This Is Woman's Work with Nicole Kalil - How To Build Girls’ Confidence with Cyndi Roy Gonzalez | 308

Episode Date: May 12, 2025

We talk a lot about confidence on this show—what it is, how to build it, and how to hold onto it in a world that’s constantly trying to tear it down. And when it comes to raising confident girls? The most powerful thing we can do isn’t lecture or list strategies—it’s model it. Because confidence is contagious. Especially when it’s real. In this episode, I’m joined by Cyndi Roy Gonzalez, Executive Director of Girls on the Run Greater Boston, an organization that’s helping thousands of girls build confidence, community, and the kind of inner strength that lasts well beyond the finish line. Since 2010, they’ve served over 18,000 girls in Eastern Massachusetts—and they’re just getting started. Together, we talk about what it actually takes to help young girls grow into confident women, why we need to challenge the limitations society places on them, and how adults can model the kind of authenticity and courage we hope to see in the next generation. Because confidence isn’t just something we teach. It’s something we live. In This Episode, We Cover: ✅ Why modeling confidence is the most impactful thing adults can do ✅ How Girls on the Run helps girls tap into their strengths and voice ✅ The role of joy, movement, and connection in developing self-trust ✅ Why confidence is more than achievement—it’s about authenticity ✅ How to challenge societal messages that limit girls (and us) The world doesn’t need more pretty wallflowers or shrinking violets—it needs authentic, confident humans who speak their truth, live with purpose, and run toward the life they want and the things that matter most—to THEM. Connect with Cyndi & Girls On The Run:  GOTR Boston Website: www.girlsontherunboston.org GOTR National Website: https://www.girlsontherun.org/  - from the national website you can find your local council or start one if it doesn’t exist in your area FB: facebook.com/girlsontherungreaterboston   Related Podcast Episodes: VI4P - Know Who You Are (Chapter 4) How To Cultivate Audacity with Anne Marie Anderson | 276 The Good Mother Myth with Nancy Reddy | 274 Share the Love: If you found this episode insightful, please share it with a friend, tag us on social media, and leave a review on your favorite podcast platform! 🔗 Subscribe & Review: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Amazon Music

I am Nicole Kalil, your host of This Is Woman's Work podcast, where together we're redefining what it means, what it looks and what it feels like to be doing woman's work in the world today. And if you've been around me for more than five minutes, you know that I believe confidence is one of the most essential skills we need to develop in order to do that. One of the most common, no scratch that, the most common question I get whenever I speak about confidence is some version of, how do I help my kids to become more confident? Seriously, I could bet my life savings

on someone asking me this at every single event and I'd walk away rich. And I get it. We all want to raise kids who stand tall, speak up, and who trust themselves firmly and boldly. And while there are many things we can do to influence confidence in our kids, my answer is always the same.

The most impactful thing any one of us can do is model it, because kids, just like the rest of us, learn best by observing and experiencing. But let's be real. Knowing that is one thing and figuring out how to do that is another. Plus, there are specific skills we can teach and intentional actions we can take, which is why we are finally doing an episode about how to develop confidence in young girls. Because the data is clear. Confidence in girls takes a hit in elementary school.

And if we don't do something about it, that gap only gets wider. So today, I've got Cindy Roy Gonzalez, executive director of Girls on the Run Greater Boston, here to talk about exactly that. Girls on the Run, if you don't know about it, is an afterschool program that helps girls build confidence, joy, and healthy habits. Things that, let's be honest,

most adults are still working on. And since 2010, they've served more than 18,000 girls in Eastern Massachusetts, and they're on track to reach 5,000 girls annually by 2026. And Girls on the Run isn't just a Boston thing. It's a national organization making an impact across the country. Cindy started as a volunteer coach, moved to board of directors, and eventually took on the role of executive director. Oh, and fun fact, she used to hate running. Now she literally runs for fun, proving that running,

like confidence, isn't something you're born with, it's something you build. So Cindy, thanks for being here. And before we dive in, I want to share with everybody that JJ participated in Girls on the Run, Greater Boston last year, and Will again this year. And not only am I thrilled that she's learning the skill of running, because she can use participated in Girls on the Run Greater Boston last year and will again this year. Not only am I thrilled that she's learning the skill of running because she can use that for life, but every single time she came home talking about what she learned or when I got the parent emails explaining the concepts they were covering, they aligned almost perfectly with everything I know about building confidence.

All that to say, and let me start by asking, based on your personal experience, what do running and confidence have to do with each other? Why combine the two? Well, Nicole, thank you so much for having me. There is nothing I like more than talking about girls on the run and confidence building, so this is a joy. So as you mentioned, I absolutely did not like running as a kid.

And like most women, I first started running because I wanted to be in shape. I wanted to make sure after college I looked good and I had a desk job. So running seemed like the easiest way to try to keep my physique or not gain weight. But it became so much more over time. I learned how to set goals. I learned how to deal with disappointment when goals didn't go my way. A race didn't go my way.

I learned how to convince myself to do things that were hard. So getting out the door at 6 AM on a cold winter day, the last thing I want to do is go for a run. But I know how I'll feel when it's over. And so the benefits of running and the way in which I am a more confident human being because of it are innumerable. Every single day, finish, I've never finished a run feeling like I suck, I'm the worst.

I'm just like glad to have gotten out there and done my best. And that's what we're trying to teach girls too. Yeah, I think there's so much to that. The keeping the commitments you make to yourself, you know, keeping the promises you make to yourself, that is a huge confidence builder. It creates trust. And so, as you said, whether you feel like it or not, just getting out there and doing it

is that demonstration to yourself that you can trust yourself and that you'll keep your commitments. I have to be transparent. I still hate running, other than when I'm done doing it. Like you said, like I don't enjoy it, other than when I'm done doing it. Like you said, like I said, I don't enjoy it, other than when I've finished. But one of the things that I will say

that I found really fascinating is how much more connected to myself and my best ideas. It's almost meditative, like... I feel like clarity comes. Okay, so Girls on the run targets young girls in the third through the eighth grade. Why that specific age group? I have ideas, but why from your end?

Yeah, so it's funny because most of our girls fall into that third to fifth grade range. And then we do have that middle school program, our heart and soul program, which a lot of councils across the country offer, but not all. But we're seeing more growth in that sixth to eighth grade range. And I think the reason behind that, at least in our experience, is girls are craving something

that will allow them to be with their friends and make connections and is not competitive. By the time a girl gets to middle school, most of the options for physical activity are competitive sports. And if you haven't done a competitive sport since the time you were four years old, your odds of being able to do it or be successful at it are really low.

So that's the middle school. The reason why the elementary school level is so important is we have seen a decrease over the last decade in girls' self-confidence and an increase in girls' sadness and loneliness. And so that will only continue over the course of adolescence unless we start giving them tools that they can use now to deal with hard situations. I mean, it is not a coincidence that loneliness and sadness have increased, confidence has decreased, all during the time that social media has exploded. And so we want to get girls before their problems get really big and give them the tools

that they need to successfully navigate the challenges that they're going to face. So I love the Younger Girls program. The middle school program is great too, but it sinks in with girls, right? They're hearing the messages hopefully from us before they're hearing the messages that lots of other people in the world are going to tell them. And the messages that you're sending and the tools they get in their toolbox are very much aligned with the tools that I'm talking about with grown adults and executives and highly successful

entrepreneurs. So I want to dive into a few of those tools. Some of them really jumped out to me when JJ was going through it. And talk a little bit about the value or why you honed in on that. So the first one, I think it's week one of Girls on the Run is something that's called what makes me me. Now I have an exercise called the things I know to be true about me at this point in

my life and it's very similar. It's that foundational block of confidence is knowing who you are and not just knowing, but appreciating and valuing it. So tell us a little bit about the, what makes me me tool in their toolbox. Yeah, it's how we start each season is getting girls to sit down

and think about, what are the things that bring them joy? Do they like to read? Do they like to play soccer? What are the things that they themselves enjoy that may or may not be different from other people? So we ask them, what do you like to eat? What's your favorite food? How do you like to spend your time? What do you like to do with your friends? Who food? How do you like to spend your time?

What do you like to do with your friends? Who are the people in your life you like spending time with? Really trying to get them to both understand who they are, but also to remember the things that they can go to when they're having a hard time. We have this thing that we teach girls very early in the program. We refer to it as star power.

It's that inner essence of a girl, we all have it, male, female, whatever. We all have star power, the thing that makes us us. And sometimes that star power gets clouded by things that happen. So friends who are being mean or just a hard situation. And so if we can remind girls, hey, remember what makes you do, what makes you happy,

what can move those clouds away? They can go back to that. And so one of the things that every girl who participates in Girls on the Run gets is a journal so that they can go back and look at what have they learned, who are they, what are they reflecting on. So that's really the idea is get the girls to understand who they are and what makes them happy.

And that's a core foundation of confidence building. 100%. And I love what JJ came up with for her star power. And it was so clear to me that she came up with it on her own. And then it felt real and true for her. And I loved that because how often throughout the course of our entire lives we get influenced or told who we are, who we should be, who we shouldn't be. And what a gift for these young girls in third, fourth, and fifth grade

to decide that for themselves, to know it at an early age. That's one of the great things about the program, I would say, overall, is that it's really girl-led, and even more so, frankly, at the middle school level. But the girls are guiding the conversations because we want them to have ownership. It's not effective if we're telling them this is who they are and how they need to be. They get enough of that. We're asking

them who do they want to be, who do they think they are, and giving them the space to explore that. Okay, one of the other tools in the toolbox is something you call Happy Pace. Talk to us about that. Oh, Happy Pace. So, Happy Pace has a couple of different meanings. When we're doing the running piece of our workouts and we're doing our celebratory 5K, it's what you might imagine. It's moving at a physical pace that feels good for you. And we really stress the non-competitive nature

of our program. And so Happy Pace is just moving away that feels good. So for some girls, that's going to look like running really fast one day. And for other girls, that's going to look like, you know, slow walking or skipping. We want girls to move in a way at a pace that feels good for them.

But there's also this idea of happy pace as just the way you approach life in general, right? You don't have to do everything everybody else is doing. You don't have to go up the speed that they're going. As young girls, your development might look different. So I love happy pace. I tell myself often in race situations that I am in that I am going at my happy pace and that is going to look different than everybody around me. It's so important. We know comparison is the thief of confidence, right? It's absolutely something that derails all of our confidence.

And again, to learn at a younger age to stop comparing yourself to everyone and everything around you and determining what your pace is, to run your own race. I'm so glad that this is part of the program. And yeah, something I think we can tell ourselves in our adult years too. It's so funny because even now, I just turned 43 years old. My running looks different than it did when I was in my early 20s. And being able to say, this is my happy pace at 43, that was my happy pace when I was 22 and had nothing else going on in life.

It's just a really good reminder of being where you are right now. Yeah. OK. Being a star sprinkler, let's talk about that, given that one of the things that I think that does do damage to young girls' confidence is what I'm just going to call mean girl syndrome. So what is being a star sprinkler and how does friendship and community play a part

in building girls' confidence and in girls on the run? So it's Star Sparkler. Oh, sorry. No, no, no. I will start using Star Sparkler. I love that too. So Star Sparkler means you're lifting other people up. You're seeing what makes other people shine,

and you're being intentional about activating that in them. And as you said, I mean, the Mean Girl thing, you asked earlier why we're starting this program at the age we're starting at. We know that bullying is happening at a much younger age than it used to. And so we're trying to give girls the tools they need to combat bullying, not just against themselves,

but against their friends and their peers. We do know one of the things we focus on at Girls on the Run is being intentional about building connection. So our team sizes are generally capped at 20 girls with three or more coaches so that girls can create relationships with adults and also have the space to create relationships with one another and then what we've seen Coming out of girls on the run is that girls the what they're learning the connections that they're building

Extend beyond the program. There are girls who didn't used to talk to each other in a classroom setting who are doing it now We've heard from teachers and principals that it's made the school environment more positive Because we're teaching girls that they have an obligation to stand up for one another. We used to call it being a stand buyer as opposed to a bystander. It's easy, it is hard to be a star sparkler, it is hard to be a stand buyer. It is easy to either go along with the mean girl stuff or to ignore it. But what we're trying to instill in girls is there is value not only to frankly,

the person you're standing up for, but to yourself, the confidence that comes from being able to stand up for another person is immense. And so yeah, we're trying to teach girls be a star, be a star sparkler, don't put out other people's lights. It's your obligation to help lift people up. We at Girls on the Run talk about caring and connection. And this is one lesson that focuses on both of those two. Yeah. And I think there could be the tendency to think about this being for the benefit

of others, as you said, but I want to reiterate that, like you said, this impacts our own confidence. When we stand up for someone or something or when we recognize that something doesn't feel right and we do something about it, it builds our own confidence. It builds our trust in ourselves. Conversely, when we don't, we lose trust. We lose confidence when we go along or stay quiet even though we feel like we should say something. So again, I think these things are so important. So another good, good, good lesson that I think many adults could absolutely benefit

from is stop and take a breather. I feel like that's fairly obvious, but let's talk about it. Yes. Stop and take a breather is one of my favorite lessons. I have been coaching, gosh, for seven or eight years now, and this continues to be a favorite. So the idea behind the lesson is that you have a choice to respond or to react. And so many of us, children and adults, are so quick to react in a given situation.

And so we teach girls stop and take a breather. And there's a word game that we play with them. And we tell them, OK, the tools are breathe, stop, breathe, think, and respond. We instill that in them over the course of an entire practice. And we keep asking them, OK, stop, breathe, think, respond. If you can do that, if you have that skill in your toolbox, nine times out of 10, you're going

to have a better situation than if you choose the reaction method. So sometimes girls will stop, they'll breathe, they'll think, they'll respond. And then we ask them, OK, how did that response feel? And they're like, oh, that response didn't feel great. So we give them the opportunity to practice it again. So we're giving them these tools,

they're getting the opportunity to practice, to understand how it feels. And hopefully then they take that out into the real world when they've left their practice. Yeah. All right. You mentioned community and connection being integral for so many valid reasons that you've already mentioned.

One of the things that girls on the run encourages, and I'm going to touch on a couple other things in the toolbox, but one of the things it encourages is having a running buddy for their celebratory run at the end. And my understanding is that they can pick someone they know or an older, either teenage girl or adult will be provided for them. Talk about why this is important. They've been training, they've been running for the celebratory run. Why is it important that they have somebody do it with them?

Yeah. So you had mentioned earlier that as a parent of a participant, you got sort of weekly updates on what your daughter was learning in the program. And so that helped you make a connection with her and with what it was she was doing. One of the things I love most that is hard to quantify about the program is how many moms, dads, aunts, uncles, brothers, cousins join the Girls on the Run community

as a buddy. So if they know when their girl starts the program eight weeks earlier that their girl wants them to complete this event with them. They need an adult because we want to keep everyone safe. It often will get that person their first experience with running. And so they train alongside their girl,

not at the same practice, but over the course of the eight weeks, they train with their girl. And they get to complete this thing together. They get to share in the accomplishment, in the goal setting, in the joy together. I have stood at the finish line of so many celebratory Girls on the Run 5K events and seen the smiles on the girls' faces. But I'll tell you what, the smiles on mom and dad's face

completing their first 5K event, it's amazing. And so many girls and their family members have gone on to make that a thing they do together long after Girls on the run. So it's a really great way to get adults in their lives also physically active, also learning some of the same lessons that the girls are learning. Yeah, I can attest to the power of that from my one experience.

Jay was JJ's running buddy, as he should be, because I would not have been able to keep up her happy face. But I worked one of the water stations and I teared up so many times seeing not just the girls, but their running buddies. And I mean, maybe this speaks to my bias, but a lot of times people I didn't expect. You could tell it was an uncle or a teacher or a sibling. It was just the coolest experience to see all these girls being supported in that way. One of the more common misconceptions I see when it comes to confidence is I think people often think it needs to be big or bold or jump into the deep end of the pool in order for it to count. And what I often say is,

it's one foot in front of the other towards what matters. Small acts make a huge difference. And you have a section or a tool as part of Girls on the Run that small acts make a difference. So how does that relate with young girls? What are you focused on there? So every Girls on the Run team across the country, every season, they get to choose what we call a community impact project. And with the relaunch, we launched a brand new curriculum,

an updated curriculum last year. And when it came to the Community Impact Project, it really made clear that this is a project that should be completed in one standard 90 minute practice. We don't want it to be some big gesture. We want it to be a small way that a group of girls can positively impact their community. So girls might choose, I've worked with teams where they've chosen

to pick up trash in the space where they have their practice. It's a small thing, but they're leaving their neighborhood a little better off. Or they've made cards for the DPW workers, who are the ones who are day in and day out cleaning up after the kids in the schools. So again, this idea of building community, making connection, having a positive impact, working together, compromising. There have been tears, impact, working together, compromising. There have been tears, many, many tears,

over which community impact project the girls are going to do. But they learn these skills, how to negotiate, ultimately all in service of leaving a positive impact in their community just by doing one simple thing. The middle school program, rather than complete the community impact project as a group, the girls are asked to go out

and identify how they individually wanna make an impact. And again, the idea is small things. Like I said, you make a card for the male person or you are intentional about saying thank you to someone who you see every day, a teacher, a custodian, a cafeteria worker. So just reminding girls that there is a world outside of themselves and showing appreciation

and gratitude for that world. Yeah. Okay. And then the last one I wanted to talk about today, because it leads into that celebratory 5K, or at least it did in the program that JJ went through, The last one I wanted to talk about today, because it leads into that celebratory 5K, or at least it did in the program that JJ went through, is letting your star power shine. I think whether they've gotten the message yet at that age or they're about to, there is a pretty consistent messaging that I think a lot of young girls receive to play small and to not brag or boast or be fully authentic or bring their

full and best selves to things and this letting your star power shine sort of spoke to that at least for me so talk about what that means and what you're encouraging girls to do with that. Yeah so that it's sort of capping off all the things that they've learned starting with that first lesson about who they are and what makes them happy and what makes them them And reminding them that they have a toolbox They have built a toolbox over the course of a season Where they can learn how to do the things that make them happy how to manage

hard feelings how to manage hard feelings, how to change the narrative when they hear themselves speaking negatively. I'll tell you what, in our office, the number of times in a week, somebody in our office will say to another coworker, positive self-talk, negative self-talk, we use it ourselves. So we've built these, alongside the girls, we've built these toolboxes that as they set out for the 5K event, where they're going to have probably a challenging period during that 3.1 miles, reminding them they have the tools to get through a hard thing,

and that they should be proud of themselves when they cross that finish line. Cause they've set goals and they've worked towards their goals and sort of no matter what the outcome is, they've done the work. And so our hope is that after eight weeks, they're walking away, they feel good about who they are, and they truly believe and trust that the world needs them and wants them to show up as their true authentic selves. That's the takeaway that we hope all the girls are leaving Girls on the Run with. That is the takeaway. I mean, we could end the episode with that. That's, I mean, everything I

hope for wrapped in a beautiful couple of sentences. So thank you. For those people listening, how can they get either their girls involved or how can they get involved as parents or people involved in young girls lives or just people who care? Yeah. So Girls on the Run is a national program. There's about 165 councils across the country. So if you go to girls on the run.org, you can find your local council. Your local council will have a list of teams that are available. If one doesn't exist, you can contact Girls on the run about starting one.

So that's if you want to get your girl involved. We are desperate, not only in greater Boston, but across the country, for more adults who are willing to step up and coach. The quality of our coaching is terrific. And there's some training involved in doing it, but we want to give girls a high quality program. Anybody who is an adult can coach.

We do do background checks on everybody. I want to be really, really clear. You do not have to be a runner to coach girls on the run. We just want caring, kind adults who believe in the value of inspiring girls to be joyful, healthy, and confident. It does take a couple of hours a week over the course of an eight-week season, so I don't

want to dismiss that. It is a time commitment. But if you're interested in coaching, every Girls on the Run council will have a place on their website where you can fill out an application to coach or to learn more about coaching. And then all of the Girls on the Run councils have 5K events at the end of each season. If you want to just get a taste of what the program is like,

come volunteer. Come see it in action for yourself. It's a really great entry point into the organization. Yeah, so let me reiterate. You don't need to be a parent and you don't need to be a runner in order to be a Girls on the Run coach. You just need to care a parent and you don't need to be a runner in order to be a Girls on the Run coach. You just need to care about girls and their confidence.

And you don't have to create the curriculum and stuff on your own. That is provided by the organization. So again, girlsontherun.org is the website. Cindy, thank you for the important and incredible work that you do on behalf of all young girls and also on behalf of my young girl. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. All right. Everywhere we turn, society is telling girls what they can't do,

who they shouldn't be and where their limits are. But confidence isn't about fitting into someone else's expectations. It's about showing up as your true authentic self and owning your space in the world, which is why programs like Girls on the Run are so powerful. They don't just teach girls how to run. They teach them how to trust themselves, how to support each other,

and how to break through the limits that were never really theirs to begin with. And as the adults in their lives, the most important thing we can do is model that same confidence because they are watching and always learning. The world doesn't need more pretty wallflowers and shrinking violets. It needs authentic, confident humans who speak their truth, live with purpose, and run toward the life they want and the things that matter most to them. So let's teach them as soon as we

can that that's what it means to be doing woman's work.