This Is Woman's Work with Nicole Kalil - How To Listen When Your Parts Speak (IFS Therapy + Ancestral Wisdom) with Tamala Floyd | 376

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Starting point is 00:00:27 Visit medcan.com slash moments to get started. I am Nicole Khalil and you're listening to the This Is Woman's Work podcast. We're together. We're redefining what it means, what it looks and feels like to be doing woman's work in the world today with you as the decider. Whatever feels true and real and right for you, that's how you do woman's work, which I'll acknowledge sounds easier than it is. is because let's face it, it's really hard to be yourself if you can't hear yourself. And I don't mean listening to the voice that narrates your never-ending to-do list, questions your worth, or over-analyzes every single conversation. I mean the deeper, quieter voice underneath all the noise, the one that

Starting point is 00:01:18 knows what you need and knows who you are before you can even articulate it. But most of us have been socialized to stop listening to that voice, to second guess it, mute it, or drown it out, with productivity and approval. We've been conditioned to trust external experts over our own intuition. Hell, we've been taught to trust the idiot with the loudest voice in the room over our own inner knowing. We adopt other people's definitions of success, perform versions of ourselves that get the most applause, and then confuse compliance for belonging and opinions for facts.

Starting point is 00:01:53 And we wonder why we feel disconnected and discontent, why we are burnt out and angry lonely and sad. It begs the question, what happens to all the parts of us that we silence along the way? The ambitious part, the scared part, the part that wants to be loved exactly as we are. They don't just disappear. They just start talking in other ways, maybe through exhaustion, through resentment, through a sense that something is missing, even when everything looks fine. But what if the parts of us aren't the problems to fix? What if they're messengers? What if healing isn't about silencing all of our parts, but listening to them? That's the work we're talking about today, because real healing comes from listening to the parts within us that have been

Starting point is 00:02:40 waiting to be heard, even when they whisper and even when it's uncomfortable. Our guest, Tamila Floyd, has spent over 25 years helping people do exactly that. She's a psychotherapist, IFS, lead trainer, consultant, author, and speaker whose work integrates internal family systems with ancestral wisdom to help people reconnect with their truest selves. Her book, Listening When Parts Speak, guides readers to heal emotional wounds, release inherited burdens, and connect with the generations of wisdom that live within. So, Tamla, I'm going to kick us off by acknowledging that I'm super excited to have this conversation and also that I'm not totally sure that I understand the conversation we're about to have. So can you lay the groundwork by sharing a bit about what

Starting point is 00:03:32 IFS is and what you mean when you say that we should listen when our parts speak? Absolutely. Thank you so much for having me today, Nicole. What I want to say first about listening when parts speak and IFS is the way that you just introduced the show. speaks a lot to what IFS is. It is looking at the parts of ourselves and getting to know those parts. At one time, psychologists believed that the mind was made up of just one hole and that any time there was any type of fragmentation that was problematic and we wanted to bring those fragments back into the hole. What we understand now is the mind is actually made of parts. It's multidimensional. And that is not dysfunctional or broken in any way. So what we actually want to do

Starting point is 00:04:27 is get to know those parts and understand why parts of ourselves behave in ways that may not be healthy or very useful for us as a whole. So that's what I'm helping people do. Makes perfect sense when you say it. And I think it can be a little overwhelming because conceptually feels a little new. I've heard a lot about wholeness and oneness and you said this, but sometimes fragmented implies bad. So can you give us some examples of the different multidimensional parts of our brain that you might be talking about here? Yes, definitely. So we might have some of the, I'm going to talk about some of the common parts. Why don't we start with those? So I think probably all of us and everyone in your audience has a critic.

Starting point is 00:05:18 So a critic is a part that somehow beats us up for what we did, what we didn't do, what we said, what we didn't say. It's a judge, right? It stands and judge of us. So a critic is a common part. Another common part is the people pleaser. Like many of us have learned that in order to be loved or get attention or be light that we need to make other people happy, do what they want us to do. Also, the caretaker, a part that feels that it's responsible for taking care of others. That's another very common part.

Starting point is 00:05:54 Other parts that we may have are those parts of us that got wounded. Those parts of us that for whatever reason we tuck away for safety so that they don't get wounded again. Parts that believe they're not good enough, that they're unlovable, they're not likable, they're worthless. these are parts of ourselves that we hide away. But sometimes the energy of those parts get activated by things that happen in life. And so then those feelings of unworthiness will then come to the surface. Okay. So when you say listening when parts speak, that feels a little contrary to a lot of the advice that we get.

Starting point is 00:06:35 Like when our critic is speaking, I think the implication for a lot of people is ignore it. It's wrong. listen to it or like the people pleaser. A lot of the advice is basically shut that voice up. It's wrong and ignore it type thing. And you're saying we should listen to these parts. Why is that? And how does that even work? So the one reason that we want to listen to the parts is they only get louder and they start to behave in ways that can be more upsetting in our lives when we don't listen to them, right? they end up taking over, and then the parts are in the lead of our system.

Starting point is 00:07:18 So the critic, if we don't listen to the critic, the critic then is leading our system, and we may have the critic not only criticizing us, but criticizing people outside of us. You also said that we often don't want to listen to the critic or we want to shut the critic down. That actually is another part, a part that is in opposition to the critic. So that may be a part we need to ask to give us some space so that we can engage the critic. The reason that we want to do this is coming into relationship with the parts, we get to understand why they're acting and behaving and hold the beliefs that they do. By learning why they're doing what they're doing, and believe me, it makes sense once we know how they came into these roles.

Starting point is 00:08:09 we can help them to trust us. Ultimately, we want our parts to trust us and allow us to lead instead of the parts leading our lives. Interesting. So I define confidence as firm and bold trust and self. And so it is fascinating to me the idea that what we're trying to do

Starting point is 00:08:32 or the most beneficial thing to do is to get these parts to trust us again. Is there then an element of part of the reason these parts are created is because of a separation or a fragmenting of trust or a protection or trauma? How do these parts get created? We're born with the parts, but I was interpreting that creation. So one, I do want to say, we are born with the parts. What gets created is the burden that the parts hold. A critic is burdened by being critical.

Starting point is 00:09:06 The people pleaser is burdened. by the responsibility to please other people. The caretaker is burdened by making sure everyone is okay. So how did they come into those roles? They typically came into those roles at very young ages, typically before they were double, we were double digits because of what was going on in our families, because of trauma, because of neglect, that these parts end up wanting to protect us. So somehow they learn that maybe the way that they got taken care of or the way that they could get love was to be critical or be the people pleaser. They also come into these roles in order to protect those vulnerable parts of ourselves that I talked about that got wounded. So when we experience trauma, that vulnerable part gets hurt and then these parts that become the critic or the people pleaser, they then take on those roles.

Starting point is 00:10:06 to protect the one that was hurt. By me, people pleasing, what I'm saying is that part that got rejected, that feels not good enough, that hurts. I don't want that part to feel that. So if I please everybody and do what people want me to do, then that one that doesn't feel good enough won't get hurt again. Okay. I know my brain went here, and I just have to imagine we have a lot of moms listening

Starting point is 00:10:32 in that their brains went here too, which is high. How do I make sure that none of my children's parts ever get wounded or ever feel burdened? Is that even a possibility? There are, I think, children who grow up without extreme trauma. And so we do sometimes, I think, try to shelter. But my experience is that we still all have wounded parts and we all feel burdened in some way. And sometimes we interpret something as trauma or as a hurt, even we. when it might not actually be.

Starting point is 00:11:09 Basically, is there any way to grow into adulthood without having any of these parts feel burdened or wounded or any of those things? Absolutely not. None of us escape life unscathed. So, however, there are some things that obviously as parents that we can do and avoid doing in order to decrease the number of difficult experiences. that our children have. But here's the thing.

Starting point is 00:11:38 Our children interact with folks outside of the home. Some of these parts get burdened from child to child relationships, teacher to child relationship. You know, your kid goes away to camp and something happens there. So we can't wrap them in cotton balls and keep them safe all the time. Things are going to happen. However, when they do, what we know about trauma is, or even, And we don't even have to say that it has to be traumatic, but some difficult experience also that the sooner we interact with that experience and help normalize it and talk to the person about what happened to them and tell them what options they have. Let them express their feelings around the person who bullied them at school instead of saying suck it up, just go to school, it'll be better, you'll be okay, right?

Starting point is 00:12:33 allowing the children to express what's going on within them. That's going to reduce the likelihood of the impact of these parts becoming exile, alienated, or taking on these serious protector roles. Okay, so one, I mean, you gave us a few examples already, but in your work, you're working on helping us to heal these parts. And just in preparation, it says, accessing the internal healing resource that resides in every one of us known as the self. Tell us about that and how do we begin to heal?

Starting point is 00:13:11 So the self is very easy to describe. The self, Nicole, is who you are when you're unblended from these extreme parts. So when your caretaker is not blended with you, what steps forward is the self? That is the you that has not been harmed by any of the things that have happened to you. It is the you that has the intuition, the core of who you are, the seed of the soul, some would say. But that is who we are when our parts aren't in the driver's seat. And that's why we need to come into relationship with the parts so that they trust us and allow us to make the decisions in our lives instead of the parts jumping in and driving the bus for us. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:13:58 So it's funny, that visual just popped into my head as the bus. And I think at least, and correct me if I'm wrong, what I'm hearing is those parts are going to be on the bus. They're going to have their seat, but they shouldn't be in the driver's seat. The healed version of us is we're in the driver's seat, we acknowledge our parts are along for the ride, but we're not letting them decide the direction or steer the wheel or decide who else gets to get on the bus. I'm probably taking this analogy too far. So then how do we do that? How do we get to know our self? And how do we, I don't know if it's kindly, but ask those parts that have been unconsciously in the driver's seat to switch roles. Yeah. So one, it's that coming into relationship. And the only way we can come into relationship with our parts is there needs to be the part and us. So when the parts in the driver's seat, there's just one person. There's just my people pleaser, and that's how I'm seeing the world and moving through the

Starting point is 00:15:01 world. But if I can get, but asking my people pleaser to unblend, that's what we call it, and we ask our parts to come outside of us, so then in that case, there's the one who's asking the part to unbend, me, the cell, and the part. Now I can begin to understand and begin a conversation with that part about, what was it about this situation that made you get in the driver's seat, believe that you needed to make that other person happy? What were you afraid? I love this question.

Starting point is 00:15:39 What were you afraid would happen if you didn't do that? If you allowed me to talk to her instead of you coming into the situation and taking over, what do you fear? And they may tell me that I fear that people won't like you. I fear that you won't be successful. I fear that you will fall on your face, whatever it is. And then I can let the part know, if you give me the opportunity to show up, meaning you don't blend with me, then you will see that I will make good decisions. I can handle this person without feeling that I have to do whatever they say and please them and stand up for you and myself. And then the way the parts trust us is that they make the decision not to blend and then they see that we show up in the way that we told them that we would, that I really can handle this situation.

Starting point is 00:16:40 One other point I want to make is our parts take these roles on when we're really young. So a lot of times our parts don't know that we're grown 30, 40, 50 year old folks, right? They still think we're five, six, or seven, and that they have to continue to protect us in this way. Here's my hot take. What if we all gave the finger to resolutions about losing weight and focused instead on gaining pleasure? This year, instead of another resolution that quietly dies by mid-January, more women are choosing something different. They're having better sex. Beducated is an online platform with over 150 courses on sex and intimacy designed to help women,

Starting point is 00:17:21 explore pleasure in a safe, private space at their own pace from the comfort of their own bedroom. And you don't have to guess where to start. You take their quiz and get a personalized roadmap to sexual happiness. No pressure, no performance, no shame. So if you're done with resolutions that make you feel smaller, try one that actually expands your life and relationships. Click the link in show notes to kick off your journey by taking the quiz. Get your personalized roadmap to sexual happiness with Beducated. So as you were kind of going through that, what popped in my brain was the opportunity for more curiosity and less judgment, because you are asking questions and trying to understand,

Starting point is 00:18:09 and I think more often than not our default is to judge ourselves or our parts, right? Like what is wrong with you? Why can't you? Why do you always? Why do you never? Like we go down those rabbit holes. Any tips for staying in a more curious, neutral place versus or catching ourselves when we go into that more default judgmental we suck place? Yes.

Starting point is 00:18:40 Often we don't catch it in the moments. I want to say that right up front and clear. usually it's in reflection that we say oh the way that I responded when my part did this so if we have the critic part and then we have another part that's judging it or we have a behavior and we have another part that's judging it we actually want to spend time with both of those parts because what ends up happening in that case is then you have one part that is engaging in a behavior say the people pleaser and then you have the critic that comes why do you all always do that. You know that's not going to make him or her like you. You're just kissing up to

Starting point is 00:19:20 them and nothing gets any better, right? So now we have both. So now these parts are just going to kind of see-saw back and forth. We want to get to know both of them. So asking the critic to step back, asking the people-pleaser to step back, and then understanding what their roles are. So when we ask these questions, I am assuming it will lead us to a belief. or an experience that we're operating from or out of, more often than not unconsciously, once we identify those, how do we begin to replace the belief or heal the belief

Starting point is 00:20:01 or set aside a belief or experience that's no longer serving us? Maybe it served us when we're five, but it's not when we're 50. Right, right. So now you're getting to where the healing happens, right? So the parts that I was referring, well, I'm just going to work with just one part. So let's go back to just the critic. As I get to know the critic, I'm going to learn who the critic is protecting.

Starting point is 00:20:28 Every part that we have that is in an extreme behavior is in that behavior for protection. They're protecting one of our wounded parts. So once I find out who the wounded one is that the critic is protecting, then I'm going to do work with that part to heal it. And one of the main ways that we heal those parts is in witnessing their pain. That is like the first place we go. And so what I want to find out from that young part of me that maybe got the message, what one felt rejected and got the message that she wasn't good enough. I want to hear what were the situations, what happened to you that made you feel not good enough and to feel rejected.

Starting point is 00:21:15 And then we're going to do what in some therapies we call reparenting. Basically, we're going to be with that part in a way that was very different from what she received when she was feeling rejected. So I'm going to have compassion for her. I'm going to listen to her. I'm going to validate her experiences, that that makes sense that you felt that way. And that wasn't right. The biggest thing, though, is just listening to what the part wants to share.

Starting point is 00:21:48 And for the part to understand that we get how hurtful and harmful those situations were for them. The thought popped into my head that if I was doing this, that I might think that I know what my younger self or what that version of myself would say, I wonder how often are people surprised when they really ask the questions and sit in the curiosity and take the time and really listen. Do we tend to know or are we often surprised with what comes out of that exploration? What we know is the story. That's what we know. Like, when I was this age old, my parents got a divorce. I had to live with my mom.

Starting point is 00:22:38 I hardly saw my dad. So we have the story. But when we sit with the part, we understand the pain of that, not just the story. And I would venture to say over 90% of the time, clients are shocked, surprise with what the part is holding. And then that opens them up to more compassion for the part. When they really hear how painful some of these experiences were for our young people, parts. It's interesting. As you say that and as you were talking earlier, I'm reminded over and over again that I think so much of adulthood is reparenting yourself. And I'm going to say this and I

Starting point is 00:23:22 understand, I don't mean to be flippant about it, but as you're talking about talking to our parts, it can feel a little bit like multiple personality. You almost feel like you're in this weird land where what am I actually doing here? Any tips for moving through the initial discomfort or the feeling of like, this is weird? I have to imagine I'm not the only person who would feel that initially. Yeah. Some of what I advise, no, first of all, you're right that it can be weird and you're not the only one that holds that. But some of the ways that we can do this, if the talking feels too strange in the beginning, is that I tell people to, they can draw. their parts. What we call this is externalizing our parts so that we're not talking to them in our

Starting point is 00:24:10 head. We actually bring them outside of our body. So sometimes we can get some miniature or something to represent a part or we can draw with something to represent the part on the page and then interact with that and ask the questions to the drawing or the miniature that you have or you can use a bunch of shells or rocks. Any way to represent the parts outside of yourself. Sometimes that just feels better to people, then, and also it helps you kind of keep track of who's who, because sometimes if it's just in your head, we might lose track of who we were talking to, but having a representation of that part helps you to come into relationship with it outside of yourself. And sometimes that's a lot easier for folks. Yeah. I wonder, is there ever any value

Starting point is 00:24:57 when you are being with your part in a way that was different than what you experienced, right? You said that earlier. That's part of the opportunity here is not just the story, but the pain and to be with it differently or to parent yourself the way you wanted to, if it involved your parent, is there any value in picturing someone else that you love? Because I sometimes find that we give other people more grace and more much kinder. So I'll give the example of I'm thinking of a six-year-old version of me who felt hurt, I might struggle with what I want to say, but if I think about my daughter, it becomes much clearer what I would want to say to her if she was in that situation. Is that helpful or does that more serve to continue to create separation or to, is my

Starting point is 00:25:53 question making any sense? Your question makes a lot of sense. And I think how we could work with that is we don't want to superimpose one of our children or someone else on our own younger part. But what might be helpful in that is what would you say to a six-year-old who's experienced this? And then that's what we say. The other thing is when, again, when we're not blended with our parts and we're being what we call in this internal family system self-led, the self-is intuitive. in. So it will know what to say. When we're confused about what to say, that's another part. And so we want to ask that part that's confused and trying to figure out, what do I say to a six-year-old, we want that one to step back to so that you can be present in your self-energy with your partner. Then you'll

Starting point is 00:26:49 know what to say. So I'm going to talk a little bit more about that. When you're present with yourself, when yourself is in the driver's seat, I think for many of us, it's, not very often, or it's been a long time since we've experienced that. What does that feel like? How do we know when we're coming from that place versus the story and the experiences and the opinions and the shoulds and the expectations and the, you know, all the stuff that's gotten put on us over time? So one, none of that is present.

Starting point is 00:27:26 Everything you just said banishes. So that's the first. thing. The second thing is we are not, when we are being self-led, we're not agenda-driven. Like the self is offering healing, but it's not pushing it. You know, if the little child says not right now, I don't want, self is just going to hold that. So there is no agenda for self except the offering of healing. And we're going to go with whatever the part is ready for at that time. we're going to move at the pace of the part that we're getting to know. But no agenda, and it really comes from a genuine place.

Starting point is 00:28:08 When I think about the self's curiosity versus a part's curiosity, the self's curiosity is about connecting with you. A part's curiosity is about what can I get out of this? I just need enough information so then I can decide where to go next or what to do or how to manipulate you or so that curiosity has an agenda and self's curiosity is really about connection and wanting to know you and really know your story yeah i'm curious because i do believe that there is a mind-body connection and i find when something feels true and right for myself when I experience myself in the driver's seat, I often tear up.

Starting point is 00:28:59 I often feel almost like a tingly light sensation. I don't know how to describe it physically, but there's like a knowing and I feel it in my stomach often. Are there physical hints, is I think my question, and what might be some different or other examples that might happen when you know you've experienced, accepted that offering of healing or when you are connected to self. So I think there is this resonance with the truth. I think there is for some people a tingling

Starting point is 00:29:34 in the body or like the body feeling kind of lit up, whether it's tingling or not, but it's energized in some type of way. I also hear people describe an expansiveness in the heart, an opening or softening of the heart space. So these are some of the the ways that people might experience being self-led. Tamila, this is such a big and important. And I feel like sometimes when something's big and important, I feel like I'm grasping for it. And basically what I'm trying to get to,

Starting point is 00:30:09 are there any questions that I didn't ask that I should have? Anything that the listener should know that I didn't think to ask because I'm all trying to figure this out for myself. Yeah. I think the other piece that I just want to add is about to speak a little bit more about the healing. I had said that that wounded one, we want to witness them. Ultimately, in that witnessing, we're going to learn what that young one came to believe about itself because of the trauma. And then that's what I'm going to help it to unburdened. So the true healing begins with the witness. but it's complete when that part can unburden all the beliefs and perspectives and behaviors that it took on as a result of that trauma.

Starting point is 00:31:02 And so that is what we are working toward. The beauty of the hurt one unburdening is then those that protected it, like that critic that I used the example that was protecting that wounded one. The critic no longer has to be in an extreme role once the one it protects is healed. And it will not give up its extreme role until that one is healed. This is fascinating. And I know I'm going to go get your book because I have to imagine it will help us venture through all of this. So, listener, absolutely get the book.

Starting point is 00:31:41 Listening when parts speak. You can also follow Tamla on Instagram at Tamla. Floyd underscore author. Her website is Tamela Floyd. We're going to put all those links and all the ways to find and follow Tamla in show notes. Tamila, thank you for doing this work, for bringing it to us, and for having patience as I sort of fumbled my way through this. This is so fascinating and so important. And my heart knows that I heard something that it needed to know. And I just am excited to dive a little bit more into it. So thank you. You're so welcome, Nicole. Thank you for having me. My pleasure.

Starting point is 00:32:20 Okay, friend, what if we spent less time trying to fix ourselves and more time trying to understand? Less time explaining and more time listening. Less time judging and more time listening. Because those parts of you that feel scattered conflicted too much or not enough, they're not the problem. They're the proof that you're human, that you've lived and that you've survived. and they've been trying to get your attention, not your judgment. We've been taught to drown them out with busyness, with people pleasing, with pretending we're fine, but when we start to listen, really listen to the parts that are scared,

Starting point is 00:32:58 protective, ambitious, wounded, or exhausted, we come up with something deeper. We get access to our self, the calm, clear, grounded center that's always been there waiting to lead. That's where our power lives, not in perfection or perfection. performance, but in integration and listening to the whispers before they have to start screaming. So take time to pause, to tune in, to hear what the parts of you have been trying to say, because the more you listen, the more you live from what's true and right for you. And that, of course, is woman's work.

This Is Woman's Work with Nicole Kalil - How To Listen When Your Parts Speak (IFS Therapy + Ancestral Wisdom) with Tamala Floyd | 376

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