This Is Woman's Work with Nicole Kalil - How To Rewire Patterns That No Longer Serve You with Judy Wilkins-Smith | 323

Episode Date: July 2, 2025

Some patterns are inherited. Some are learned. And some are just plain outdated. So how do you figure out which is which—and what the hell to do about it? In this episode, we’re diving deep into how to identify and rewire the invisible patterns that are no longer serving you with the help of Judy Wilkins-Smith. Judy is a world-renowned expert in systemic work and constellations, the author of Decoding Your Emotional Blueprint, and a coach to high-performers and legacy leaders alike. She uses tools like epigenetics and genealogy to help people understand what they’ve inherited—emotionally, behaviorally, and even spiritually—and how to transform it into something that actually works for them. Because newsflash: just because it runs in the family doesn’t mean it gets to run your life. Whether you’re feeling stuck in self-doubt, repeating relationship drama, or carrying old money stories like hand-me-down jeans from the 90s, this episode will help you ask the right questions, uncover the real source, and start rewriting the script. Connect with Judi:  Website: https://judywilkins-smith.com/  IG: https://www.instagram.com/judywilkinssmith/ FB: https://www.facebook.com/judywilkinssmith  LI: https://www.linkedin.com/in/judywilkinssmith/ YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC2deofVCmw7Fxdq866SpJbQ  Related Podcast Episodes: Grown-Up Goals: The 5 Pillars Of Being A Healthy Adult with Michelle Chalfant | 317 Unlocking Your Hidden Genius: How to Harness Your Innate Talents with Betsy Wills & Alex Ellison | Ep. 289 How To Defy Expectations with Dr. Sunita Sah | 271 Share the Love: If you found this episode insightful, please share it with a friend, tag us on social media, and leave a review on your favorite podcast platform! 🔗 Subscribe & Review:Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Amazon Music Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

No frills delivers. Get groceries delivered to your door from No Frills with PC Express. Shop online and get $15 in PC Optimum Points on your first five orders. Shop now at nofrills.ca. When planning for life's most important moments, sometimes the hardest part is simply knowing where to start. That's why we're here to help. When you pre-plan and prepay a celebration of life with us, every detail will be handled with simplicity and

professionalism, giving you the peace of mind that you've done all you can today to remove any burden from your loved ones tomorrow. We are your local Dignity Memorial provider. Find us at DignityMemorial.ca. The Dignity Memorial branding is used to identify a network of licensed funeral cremation and cemetery providers owned and operated by affiliates of Service Corporation International. I am Nicole Kalil and you're listening to the This Is Woman's Work podcast where together we're redefining what it means, what it looks and feels like to be doing woman's work in the world today,

with you as the decider. Because deciding, choosing what's true and real and right for you is the whole damn point. But friend, it ain't easy, because we're being influenced by a million things, some that we're conscious of and a whole lot that we're not. Like your DNA. Sure, we all know our genes determine things like eye color and blood type,

but what if I told you your DNA is influencing way more than just your physical traits? That it's shaping your thoughts, emotions, behaviors, your success? This concept fascinates me, and judging by the fact that ancestry.com has over 100 million family trees, I know I'm not the only one. Because we love uncovering where we came from. Who were our great, great, great grandparents? Were they royalty, rebels, criminal masterminds? Did they pass down something cool like artistic genius

or super fast metabolism? Or did they leave us with some less desirable hand-me-downs Did they pass down something cool like artistic genius or super fast metabolism? Or did they leave us with some less desirable hand-me-downs like generational trauma, limiting beliefs and the tendency to self-sabotage? It turns out we inherit more than just our height and hair color. Science is now proving that emotional DNA gets passed down too. Our patterns of thought, fear, judgments, action, capacity for success, and struggle, that gets passed down just like our physical traits and influences

everything, like our relationships, money, leadership, career, even where and how we live. Welcome to Genealogy 3.0, where we don't just trace our ancestors, we decode the subconscious blueprints they left behind. Because if you keep hitting the same roadblocks in life, it might not just be you. It might be your great-great-grandmother's unresolved baggage that's running the show. Mind-blasting, right? So how do we figure out which patterns serve us and which need to be rewritten? That's where today's guest comes in. Judy Wilcom Smith is a world-renowned expert in

organizational individual and family patterns. An executive coach, trainer, and sought after leadership speaker, she spent 18 years working with high-performance individuals, Fortune 500 executives, and legacy families to break generational cycles and unlock lasting success. As the founder of Systems Dynamics for individuals and organizations, she specializes in helping people reframe challenges into opportunities using science-backed methods like epigenetics and systemic constellations. Judy is also the author of The Hidden Power in Your DNA,

How Using Genealogy to Explore Ancestral Patterns and Transform Your Life, and the international bestseller of Decoding Your Emotional Blueprint. And today, she's here to help us understand how to use our family history to work for us instead of feeling trapped by it. Judy, thank you for being here.

And I want to start by asking you to explain a bit more about the philosophy and the practical application of what it is that you do, because it really is kind of mind-blasting. Hi, Nicole. Thanks for having me. Yeah, so genealogy 3.0. Let's just look at genealogy 1.0, which is where you belong, right? That's it. Genealogy 2.0 is go spit in a bottle and see

where your ancestors came from, and then have a look at the big events that may have happened when they moved, when they stayed, when that whatever. There are big events that may have happened when they moved, when they stayed, whatever. There are big events that will have affected them. And then you look at how those events, big or small, cycle down to you. Now, as you beautifully said, that can influence everything and anything. So it could be money, it could be relationships, it could be leadership, it could be you name it, it influences it could be relationships, it could be leadership, it could be you name it, it influences that. And it's called emotional DNA, your patterns of thoughts, feelings and actions. And yes, those cycle down two ways. You get them from epigenetic imprints, which is number one, that's your scientifically studied one. And then you also get them from by word of mouth,

by word of watch. You watch your parents struggle, you struggle. You watch your grandmother struggle, you struggle. You watch your great grandfather do really well, you have that DNA. You watch your great great great grandfather who's this fabulous artist and suddenly you're artistic. Those are thoughts, feelings, actions that cycle down to you and the two come together and they're pretty powerful. Because, and this is well studied, if you look at the Great Dutch Hunger Winter, the study there determined that PTSD markers are passed down. And they can be passed down in very specific physical ways too.

You can have eating disorders, you can, like malnutrition, or elevated cortisol as a result of anxiety that results in obesity. So these two are very, very tightly wired together. But the most important part of all of this is you can change that DNA, the emotional DNA, and that is part of what you were born for. Okay. Again, incredibly fascinating and a little scary.

I think as a parent, you know, I start thinking about what am I passing down to my child and their grandchildren? Exactly. Like, so again, it can be, my head can, it's just spinning. I can't imagine I'm the only one. So in my introduction, I said systemic work and constellations. And in full transparency, I have no idea what that means. Cool.

OK. So the three things, of course, that influence or affect emotional DNA or interact with each other are epigenetics, neuroscience, and then systemic work and constellations. Systemic work is the study of you within a system. So you Nicole didn't just become you Nicole, you're a result of many, many, many, many, many, many generations all the way down to you. And like I said earlier, you're the one who gets to write

the next chapter. So it's not about you. It's all about you. It's not about you. So it's not about you because it's all in the system, the study of you in the system. It's all about you. It's all about you. It's not about you. So it's not about you because it's all in the system, the study of you in the system. It's all about you because you're the potential change agent. You're the one who can look and say, you know what? I don't like that everybody's angry. I'm going to be the peacemaker. I don't like that everybody struggles with money. I'm going to be really good with money.

So you get to change that you get to define a purpose and go for that, which then has a double effect. It affects what you pass on to your children and communities, but it also affects the context as you cycle back. So it looks like you're villain the grandfather when you really have a look at him and see how he was abandoned as a kid or see what whatever it is and you understand why he is the way he is, suddenly he becomes a hero instead of a villain because he managed to survive all of that and have family. So there are so many ways that this works. So that's systemic work. Constellations are a fascinating, fascinating subject within systemic work, but also as a standalone. So what we do with a constellation is we 3D what's going on in your

brain. So you may say, I really struggle with money. I feel terrible about money. I'm useless with money. And I say to you, okay, Nicole, talk to me. When did those thoughts and feelings start? What was happening in your life at the time? What did you make them mean about you? What did you make And I said, okay, Nicole, talk to me. When did those thoughts and feelings stop? What was happening in your life at the time? What did you make them mean about you? What did you make it mean about those around you? And then I may say to you, so is there anyone else in the family with a similar pattern?

Well, my mom's like that too. Okay, so at a live event, I'll say to you, pick someone to represent your mom, someone to represent your dad, someone to represent you, and someone to represent money. Now here's where the Spidey magic comes in, but it's actually scientific Spidey magic. So I will then say to you, place those those representatives in spatial relationship to one another. So maybe mom's and what you and mom is standing close together, dad's standing at the other end of the room and money's wandering around like I know where

I belong here. This happens. What people don't understand and what we're not taught is that we key into each other's systems keenly every single day. You look at someone and go, oh, she looks terribly upset. I'm not going near her, or you look at someone else and you go, they look so kind, I'm going to go stand by them. You're keying into their system and people say to me, how's that possible, that's ridiculous. Well think about American Idol, The Voice, any of those where you watch somebody suddenly hit their stride and you've got goosebumps and they're belting it up and the judges are crying, you've all just sensed into that person's system. So what happens when we then take your representatives and put them out in front of you is they may start to move. I will ask

questions about why they're in different places. And eventually we get to the root cause of why you struggle with money. And we see what the systemic sentence is. In other words, what is the sentence that runs the show? And then we begin to reframe that. Now the minute we reframe that, we change the epigenetic imprint because if you have a head, heart, gut alignment, so your head says yes, your heart says yes,

and your gut says yes, that becomes your new truth. So you start to rewire. Your brain is starting to rewire the thoughts, feelings, and actions, which means you're starting to rewire that emotional DNA. And you see this in places like kids who come from the projects, or kids who come from Camden, they look at the pattern of failure and they go, no, not for me, I'm doing it differently. And the minute that message comes from the brain and says yes to the body, when the brain tells the body a story that the body can believe, now you have a whole new coding that's starting to happen. And so what happens there is you've now done a constellation, we then begin to give you different words to use. But because you're seeing it and you're hearing the conversation

and you're speaking at yourself and you're touching it, you're having a complete embodied experience, which means that you're going to rewire very much faster. And that results in what you know as the aha moment. Okay, that triggers lots of questions. The first one is this seems similar, but very different to an affirmation, right? So there is a process that, as you mentioned,

that involves a physical experience of going back into your history. Yeah, it's a 3D process. Right. As opposed to just picking a new affirmation or a new word. It's not as simple as just reframing a sentence. There is an experience that goes along with it. All right. And here's the deal.

If you don't have people around you that you could do that with, you have pieces of paper. If you write down the mom, dad, money, me and you put it down on the floor and you then start to walk around that as you're saying those new sentences for yourself, you can get to the same place because we're very good at transferring emotions onto inanimate objects too. So you could do that. But the reason why affirmations don't work is that we keep saying, I'm rich, I'm rich, I'm rich, I'm rich, I'm rich, and it stays in the brain. I'm rich, I'm rich, I'm rich, I'm rich, yay. Hasn't hit the heart,

hasn't hit the gut. It's when it hits the heart and the gut and the head, heart and gut all agree. And you combine that very importantly with an elevated emotion which may be happiness, excitement, enthusiasm, permission, joy or any of those and you feel it and you can feel that energy. That's when your affirmation is going to be a yes and you'll move in that direction. The other very important part of that is whatever it is that you choose has to be bigger than your current circumstances or you're not going to move at all. So you've got to choose a stretch and if you look at life, life grows. Life is in growth is in service of life so it's it's really important that you have wants,

you have wishes, you have wishes, you have dreams, but most important that you solidify that in your entire body and spirit and then go for it. Sitting on a lotus bloom, meditating on the sunlight is not going to do it if you don't couple that to elevated emotions and movement. And that then creates that emotional DNA that you're doing. Okay, this is really speaking to both my brain and my heart and my gut because we all have experienced or witnessed people who want to do better or who want to change something but don't. And I think there is that element of, it has to be bigger or better than your current situation.

And I think a lot of times we hold onto things because it's comfortable, whereas even something bigger or better feels uncomfortable because it's unknown. So what you're talking about is, and you're exactly right, that's a beautiful description. We hold on to it. In other words, we have an unconscious loyalty to what came before us, and we find ourselves

being sucked into a systemic trance. So now you're sitting there going, I know I should do that, but it's so much easier because this is so familiar. I'm just going to sit here. This is easier. And then we sabotage ourselves, because that that systemic trance is very strong. However, the system is also begging you to go do something to expand it. And people don't realize that they go, well, I can't go do that. Because if I

do, my mom's going to be sad because she didn't get it right. And now I've got it right. No, wrong answer people. The whole point is your mom's going to be very glad because when you go and get to do that, the first thing you're going to do is turn around and say, hey mom, come look, because that's what we do. So I always say to people, don't be scared of going for that beautiful, shiny, big thing that you want. Because when you're there, you get to turn around and say, come and look. So it's really important. And I would also say, you know, some of the most important lessons I've learned in life

have not been from my parent, they've been from my daughter. We've got to be aware that you learn from your children as well. Okay, so some of these things might feel obvious to us, like our relationship with money or trauma, but any tips about how to identify what are the existing limiting systemic and epigenetic patterns that we're living from. Let me start there and then I have a follow up question.

Sure. Yes, absolutely. The minute that you find yourself stuck, the minute that you find yourself feeling limited or frustrated, stop and look at what it is that you're frustrated with and then have a look at is that a pattern for me? Am I always frustrated by not being able to go to the next position at work? Do I always find myself limited to being second best or third best or fourth best? When it comes to money, do I find myself super frustrated because I don't get beyond X because we also have money bandwidths

Thanks to our family systems and And when you have that, sit down again and write down what everything, all of your thoughts, all of your feelings, all of your actions around whatever subject it is. And when you see all of the frustrations and limitations, understand that that is a pattern that comes from somewhere else and it's asking you to stop it. It's asking to stop. And then have a look at, so what is it that I really wish? What is my deep heart's desire? That is the pattern trying to start through you.

So that's the epigenetic pattern that's calling and saying, please, I'm here. Can you do something? Come on. And then you've got your two patterns, the one trying to stop and the one trying to stop. Now the one trying to stop, the biggest mistake people make is they go, well, I'm done with you, you're out.

I'm giving you your eviction notice. No. The whole purpose of a pattern that stops is it contains wisdom. When you're moving ahead and you may hit a brick wall, go back and look at who else hit a brick wall, then you know how to move beyond it. Go back and look at who struggled

so you know how to not struggle. It's a very, very big source of wisdom. It's why you don't ever reject your parents. Doesn't matter what they did, there is source of wisdom for you. So you're the one who struggles if you do that. Okay, so then my follow-up question is for people who maybe don't know their long history.

If some of this is being passed down, many generations back, I might not know my great, great, great grandparents story or what happened. How important is it to know that or understand that and how do we move through it if we don't know? Well, here's the deal. If you don't have it, timeline your own life. If you timeline your own life, you're going to see patterns popping up. Then what you do is you say, okay, clearly these are patterns in my life

and absolutely they came from somewhere. I might not know exactly where, but I know that this pattern doesn't belong to me. I've taken it on and I've inherited it and it's time for me to set it down. And then really it's with respect and acknowledgement, set it down, tell it I will use you as wisdom when I need to to and then turn around

and face your purpose and goal. It's an interesting thing when you face your purpose and goal and you really engage with it, there are a couple of things you've got to commit to it and you've got to take action as well. It may not be obvious action but take action. A step leads to a step leads to a step. When you see somebody who may be aligned with something that you're doing, don't sit there thinking I'd love to speak to so and so because I bet they'd be the next step. Speak to them. Get four degrees out of your comfort zone and speak to them. Always be a little bit out of your comfort zone and don't give up on that thing that you want.

It may take a little time, but don't give up on it. I always tell people the simplest example of that for me was we moved to the US and we had to leave all our money behind, you weren't allowed to bring money. So we came out with nothing. Scariest thing I've ever done in my life. So we started from scratch. I had been to Disney World before and fallen in love. It's my favorite place on earth. Anybody who sees me or meets me

will see I wear the Disney necklace. My phone is Disney. Everything is Disney. But that's because I made a promise to Disney when I was nine years old that I would keep the magic alive. And so as we're struggling here and we have nothing but ourselves and we're setting up and working, the thing that intrigued me the most was I had seen people come out of Disney timeshare resorts, and they all looked happy, and they all looked like they were having fun. And I said to myself, you know what, I want to buy timeshare at Disney. I want to be one of those people who can bring my family to Disney and have fun. And we had nothing. And if I'd have said it, that's your other piece. Don't voice your

deepest desire to people who won't appreciate it because they're going to tell you how stupid it is. So I didn't, but I started an envelope and every time I got a bit extra from somewhere, it went into the envelope. Didn't look at it, didn't touch the envelope. That's called my don't touch envelope because I'm going for my purpose. And then one day my brother said they'd like to come and visit. And I said, I'll see if I can help with the accommodation. And I went to the envelope and I opened it and it had exactly the right amount to put down as a deposit

to be able to buy time share. And so now I get to do that. I get to take my family every other year and we go for two weeks and it's amazing. And I don't ever forget how amazing it is. And when you've accomplished a dream once, I promise you it's addictive. It'll pull you out of that trance. You're going to keep wanting to do the next dream and the next dream. And when you do that, it's not selfish.

You're serving your system and you're serving society. You're daring to go bigger and you're the vessel that can be used. Thank you for sharing that story. I think all of us can relate in some way of this feeling of we know we want something and it feels impossible and the idea of sharing it publicly with somebody feels like, well, just get laughed at and yet somewhere deep down, we know that we know that we know that this is something that matters. What you've just said is super important because when you know that you know that you know

and it matters, that's part of your purpose. Don't give up on it. So powerful. Okay. I want to get into a little bit more of the how to. You've given a lot of things so far, but for someone listening in and they are thinking, in addition to getting your book, which we're going to talk about, but in addition to that, and they're thinking, I want to address this trauma or pattern or belief that's been passed down that isn't

working for me. It's not getting me closer to my purpose. It's not in alignment with what matters. What do we do? You buy yourself a book, you make it look as pretty as you want or as plain as you want because that's up to you, and you write down, what is the thing that I want the most in the world? And the first thing that's up to you and you write down what is the thing that I want the most in the world and the first thing that's going to probably happen is all of those inner voices are going to say here's why you can't have it those are not by the way your inner voices those are multi-generational voices so they're actually giving you information they're telling you all the all the obstacles that you might encounter.

Okay, write them all down, write until you're exhausted. Then write down all of your thoughts about it, all of your feelings, all of your actions. Why do I run away when there's money? Why do I refuse to look at money? Why do I spend it as fast as it comes in? What are the sentences that I tell myself about that? Easy come, easy go. Money doesn't grow on trees. I'm not worthy. All of those, I want you to look at them. And then when you've got all of that, understand, ask yourself the question, to whom does this belong? Because it may feel like it's yours, but your chances that it are are very small. There are people who will start that pattern and if you do, it's the result of an event. The event

starts creating or you start creating thoughts, feelings and actions in response to the event. That event, by the way, is often a multi-generational event. You'll find that this happened to you, but it happened to this one and that one. So what you want to do is whether it's the event that's yours or the multi-generational one is to say, thank you. I can see you. So you write down that I can see you. What is my bottom line sentence? I'm not worthy. Is that true? No. Okay. So put that down. And then turn to the purpose and start writing. Never mind all of the little voices that come in. Do the same thing. Thoughts, feelings, actions.

Write them down. Then look at the ones that belong to someone else and tell them thank you, but it's time for this to change. So I'm going to turn the page, turn the page, go to your purpose and then ask your purpose and your brain will speak to you. Ask your purpose, what emotions do you need from me? What sentences, what thoughts and feelings do we need to lock in to keep me on track? I'm worthy, of course I can do this. I can figure this out.

From now on in, I'm going to put 10% into an envelope or a savings account that I'm not touching and it's for that. If it's something like I want to learn to be a teacher or whatever it is, start asking yourself, what are the resources I have now that I don't need to pay for? There are lots. What is online that I can go and learn? How do I manage this a bite at a time until I get there? But most importantly, what are the emotions that I need? And then there's another piece. So I want this. I know there are going to be obstacles. What do I do when there's an obstacle to keep myself on track right now in the moment? So you've got to construct for yourself a fail set. I know that I'm getting there. Hey, when I

last looked in my envelope, there was X amount. We're heading in that direction. So it's one of the most important things and I speak to very, very successful people is they've trained the toilet talk to shush. So they when when those sentences come up, when those feelings come up, they will say to them enough. You do not dominate me and you don't belong where I'm going, stop. Yeah. So train your toilet talk. It's like training your, taming your dragon. Yeah, I call it head trash

because I want it to sound as dirty and disgusting as it is, I like toilet talk. I call it toilet talking because it's really that, it's that. Yeah. There's a quote too that I love that I always think of when my head trash kicks in and it's something to the effect of you can't prevent a bird from flying over your head, but you can prevent it from building a nest in your hair.

And what I think of is like we can't prevent the negative thought from popping into our mind or the toilet talk from saying what it's going to say, but we can prevent it from taking up space in our brain, from allowing it to stay in there. And I think that that is- Super important. Super, right? I would say, when you have the little bird flying over

and it pops up that thing, I would say, what is your counter-sentence? What is the counter-intelligence for that? The counter-intelligence, I like that. So we're reframing the sentence or the belief that? The counterintelligence, I like that. So we're reframing the sentence or the belief that has been running the show and choosing something that works for us, that we have an emotional connection to.

And we've got to get determined and committed. Yeah, and get into action, right? One foot in front of the other towards what matters most. Absolutely, get into action. It really doesn't, it doesn't matter how small the action. I had something happen to me yesterday where I was talking to someone and put down the phone and then thought, this could be a really good piece

over here, picked up the phone and called them back and said, hey, and they went, oh my goodness. When you feel the action or you feel the thought that says move, listen to it. Because if you don't, it will subside. Pay attention and walk with it. Yeah, great advice. Okay, one last question.

I do think that there is the potential when we think about things being passed down from our parents and grandparents and so forth and so on, I think that there could be the tendency to shift into blame. Maybe not from multiple, like I don't blame my great, great, great, great grandparents for anything. I don't know them, right? But the closer we are in relationship, I think the higher the potential is to fall into the

blame game. Any advice for that? Absolutely. You're a grown up. It's not their fault. It's your choice. Thank you. So good.

At some point, we raise our damn selves, right? Exactly. At some point, you raise your damn self. It's exactly that. I look at people all the time who come to me and say, well, it's my mother's fault. She was a narcissist. Yeah, well, it's my mother's fault. She was a narcissist. Yeah, well, it's your fault because you didn't pick it up and run.

It may have begun with your mother. It may also end with your mother, and you're the change agent. It all begins with you. It all begins with you. So good. Okay. I know people are going to want to learn so much more.

So to remind you all, the book is called The Hidden Power in Your DNA. Judy's website is judywilkins-smith.com. And you can find and follow Judy on all the social medias and YouTube. We're going to put all of the links in show notes. Judy, thank you for a fascinating and just wildly important and impactful conversation. Thank you for having me and good luck everybody. It's an adventurous world out there. Go have an adventure.

I love it. All right. And if you're looking for more episodes on a similar topic, be sure to check them out in show notes. So if this conversation has taught us anything, it's that we're caring more than just our own stories. Our thoughts, fears, strengths, and struggles didn't all start with us.

Some of them were handed down, stitched into our DNA, passed along like family heirlooms. But just because we've inherited something doesn't mean we have to keep it. We are not bound by the patterns that no longer serve us. We can rewrite the beliefs that hold us back. We can break cycles, create new narratives, and choose a different path.

Because while we may not get to decide where we come from, we absolutely get to decide where we go from here. So if there is something in your life that feels like a roadblock, whether it's self-doubt, scarcity thinking, or some invisible force keeping you stuck, maybe it's time to ask, is this really mine? And do I want to keep carrying it? Because the truth is, some things were passed down, but choice, choice is always ours. And being the change agent, my friend,

is what it truly means to be doing woman's work.