This Is Woman's Work with Nicole Kalil - Loneliness And The Value Of Connection with Kasley Killam | 218

Episode Date: June 19, 2024

This episode is about the value of connection – and I’m going to encourage every single one of us to take one measurable step away from loneliness and toward connection after listening. Kasley Killam is a leading expert in social health and the author of The Art and Science of Connection: Why Social Health is the Missing Key to Living Longer, Healthier, and Happier. As a graduate of Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health, sought-after advisor and keynote speaker, and founder of Social Health Labs, Kasley has been improving global well-being through connection for over a decade. Her collaborations with organizations like Google, the US Department of Health and Human Services, and the World Economic Forum contribute to building more socially healthy products, workplaces, and communities. And she’s here today to talk about loneliness and the value of connection. There is no pill or diet that can replace human connection. No pharmacy or doctor who can fill the void or our desire to be seen. In a world of followers, comments and algorithms, we are craving connection, intimacy, and empathy. And here’s what I know for sure - you deserve to be seen, heard, and valued. We all do. Connection – as if our lives depend on it – that is woman’s work. Connect with Kasley: Book: The Art & Science of Connection Website: https://www.kasleykillam.com/  IG: https://www.instagram.com/kasleykillam/?hl=en  LI: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kasleykillam/  Newsletter: https://www.kasleykillam.com/newsletter  Like what you heard? Please rate and review  Thanks to our This Is Woman’s Work Sponsor: Breathe better with AirDoctor, the air purifier that filters out 99.99% of dangerous contaminants (allergens, pollen, pet dander, dust mites, mold spores and even bacteria and viruses) so your lungs don’t have to. Visit airdoctorpro.com and use my promo code: TIWW to get up to $300 OFF air purifiers and a free 3 year warranty (and additional $84 value).

I am Nicole Kalil, and you're tuning into the This Is Woman's Work podcast. If you're listening on purpose, thank you for choosing our show. And if you found yourself here by accident, then let's call it fate, shall we? I'm thrilled you're here too. Because today we're talking about loneliness, which I'm guessing if you think about being lonely, it might bring to mind a certain type of person, socially isolated, no family and friends, and well, alone. But that might be part of the problem because the reality is loneliness can and does look like you and me. Far too many people report feeling lonely, whether it's because

they don't feel seen, heard, or understood, or because of loss of a loved one or divorce, moving to a new city, global pandemics, your closest friends and family living far too far away, low self-esteem, and many other common reasons. And I don't have a statistic on this, but I can report from the plethora of conversations I get to have that many, many women even feel lonely in their relationships. What I'm saying is, contrary to what we might think, relationship status is not the key indicator of loneliness. And so many more people are experiencing loneliness than you might think. And this matters a lot. Depending on the studies you read, loneliness can increase the risk of early mortality by somewhere between 26 to 50%. It's reported that social isolation is as harmful

to our health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. We are literally dying from loneliness. Don't believe me? Let's look at this another way. If you read studies on longevity or have paid attention to the blue zones, the biggest contributor to living a long, healthy life are movement, eating largely locally sourced and plant-based foods, drinking alcohol moderately, minimal stress, good sleep, having a sense of purpose, and one of the most important commonalities, community, connection. And I bet you can't go a day without seeing some sort of messaging about the food you eat or the exercise you should do, which is obviously important. But where are the messages about overcoming loneliness?

Why am I not being told to try the friendship diet where I cut out or cut back on the things that are getting in the way of me spending time with friends? Where are the messages that feeling connected is more important than feeling toned? So today we're going to share the message of connection and I'm going to encourage each and every one of us, yes, including my fellow introverts, to take one measurable step away from loneliness and towards connection after listening to this episode. Kasley Killam is going to help us with how to do just that. Kasley is a leading expert in social health and the author of The Art and Science of Connection, Why Social Health is the Missing Key to Living Longer,

Healthier, and Happier. As a graduate of the Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health, sought-after advisor and keynote speaker, and founder of the Social Health Labs, Kasley has been improving global well-being through connection for over a decade. Her collaborations with organizations like Google, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, and the World Economic Forum contribute to building more socially healthy products, workplaces, and communities. And she's here today to talk about loneliness and the value of connection. First, thank you for being our guest, Kasley. And was there anything in my introduction that you want to challenge or elaborate on? Are

the actual health benefits of connection and community what I said, or can time with people actually help you live longer? I'm curious your reaction. Yes, absolutely. Some of the exact statistics are debated. Is it 15 cigarettes a day or is it less? But the overall takeaway is exactly what you said, which is that when we are meaningfully connected, when we have close friendships and see family often and interact on a regular basis to the extent that's nourishing for us, that corresponds with living a longer, healthier, and happier life. It absolutely does. And at this point, there's so much research on this that even if we argue over the exact numbers, it's clear that connection is an essential ingredient to living a healthy life.

And just like we prioritize exercising or eating healthy foods or getting a good night's sleep, we need to prioritize connection because it's truly life-giving. important distinction because as I alluded to in my intro, I think many of us are in relationships, whether that's marriage or friendships or family relationships or work relationships that aren't so nourishing. So how do we distinguish between those? What's the actual connection we're looking for here? Yeah. And it also ties into what you mentioned, which is about being introverts, right? Many of us are introverts, myself included. And so what's nourishing to me as far as connection is different from someone who's an extrovert. So whether it's being in a relationship that might not be healthy or whether it's having too much interaction where we're overstimulated and actually need to recalibrate

and spend more time alone. It's really about understanding what's the right amount and type of connection for you personally. What feels fulfilling? When you think about a relationship, let's say you focus on one relationship in particular, a friend of yours or a family member or perhaps a co-worker who you've become close with. Overall, do those interactions with that person leave you feeling energized? Do you feel supported in that relationship and do you support them in return?

Really thinking about the quality of that connection rather than just the quantity of the number of friends you have or how much time you spend socializing each day. It's really paying attention individually to what feels nourishing for you. So one helpful way to think about this is to think about your exercise preferences and rituals, right? So you might really enjoy doing yoga, whereas I might really enjoy running. Actually, I don't, but I love doing Pilates and CrossFit. Other people might like hiking or biking. We all have different preferences around what feels nourishing for our bodies. And in that same way that we think about physical health, we can think about social health, right? The part of our overall health and

well-being that comes from connection. What feels nourishing for you? What's the right number of interactions and close ties that feels right? And also, how are you connecting with each of those individuals? So that's a great analogy, and it brings to mind the question, you know, I feel like there is a lot of research that shows that connection is essential. And yet we hear a ton about exercise, nutrition, and sleep. Why do you think the value of connection hasn't made its way into the mainstream? Why aren't we inundated with messages around that? The way that we understand what it means to be healthy and what we actually need to do to be healthy evolves over time, right? We can look at across the history of humanity, different evolutions in how we understand health, right?

Originally, people exercised to train for war. They didn't do it to be physically healthy. It was a war exercise. Similarly, not even that long ago, we didn't realize that smoking cigarettes causes lung cancer. That was something we had to discover and then disseminate that knowledge, change policies, and so on to help people understand it and then reduce their smoking behaviors. So in that same way, we've now reached this critical tipping point where we really do know in the research with certainty that connection is an essential ingredient for health. the next 10 to 20 years, social health is going to be as embedded an idea and a priority as mental health is today, as physical health has been for a long time, right? Physical, mental, and social

health go hand in hand, and we are collectively coming to that recognition. It's really helpful that things like last year, the U.S. Surgeon General issued an advisory about isolation and loneliness as an epidemic. Similarly, last year, the World Health Organization launched a global commission on social connection. So increasingly, we're seeing this momentum build where connection as core to our health is becoming more and more mainstream. And I think that's only going to take off more from here on. Which I think we'd agree is a good thing that it'll be mainstream. And I think that was very well said, especially the connection and the, I don't know if it's equal, but the imperativeness of all of those things, mental, physical, and social health.

As an introvert, I know when I have a social event or activity or even interaction, even with somebody I love, I often don't look forward to it because I'd just rather stay at home. That's just easier. And what I notice is on the other side of it, if I feel like my cup is full, then that was a really positive interaction for me. So I have to remind myself going into that. All of that to say, I'm so glad you said it might be different for each of us. I know in preparation that you have identified four different styles of connection preferences and habits. What are those? And can you tell us a little bit more about them?

Sure. And I first want to also validate and agree with what you said, which is sometimes I, as an introvert, also don't look forward to social engagements, ironically, even though here I am as a social health expert. And yet I often leave those interactions feeling energized and really grateful that I took the time and made the effort to actually go connect with that friend or see that family member, right? It takes that energy activation to get to that point and then it's so fulfilling. And so that's a good reminder for all of us who might tend toward being more introverted that it's worth the effort and it's worth pushing ourselves a little bit.

So there are four connection styles, social health styles, I call them, like you said. And these are based on both the quantity and the quality of connection that each of us prefers and is used to. So the first style is called a butterfly, and we're all familiar with the idea of kind of a social butterfly. So this is someone who thrives on frequent, but typically casual connection, right? So imagine someone who likes to socialize very often, but perhaps doesn't typically take it to that deeper level. The second style is a wallflower. And again, we're typically used to this term of a wallflower. Maybe you think of someone who is very shy and reclusive. This is someone who prefers more selective, casual connections.

So less frequently engaging with other people than a butterfly would, but still kind of in a casual way. Then you have fireflies. So I would say that I am a firefly. I'm someone who craves not connection all the time, but when I do have it, I love very deep connection. I love spending one-on-one time with my loved ones, having meaningful conversations, and then having a lot of alone time in between those interactions. Then the final style is called an evergreen. So this is someone who loves frequent, but again, deep connection, right?

So someone who's different from a butterfly in that they're socializing often, but in very deep ways, right? Talking to their closest friends about profound matters on a daily basis, for example. So what you can see is that with each of these styles, they're different, right? We have different preferences and rituals around connection and that's okay. One is not better than the other. They're just different. And yet it can be helpful to kind of stretch beyond our comfort zone on occasion. So on that note, that was going to be my next question, is for each of those

four styles, if we wanted to improve our social health, what might be one or two things that we would focus on? So I too am a firefly. What might I be paying attention to to make my social health better? Yeah, that's a great question. And I have a whole worksheet and kind of three-step process for evaluating social health and going into detail on identifying what is the strategy you need. But I'll share a couple examples of tips that I love. So one is really around making social health a priority. And this is something that all of us can do regardless of our style. So this tip is to go for connection first. So if you think about your day, we all have a certain amount of downtime or in-between time. Maybe it's while driving in the car somewhere and we listen to music or

to a podcast. Maybe it's when a meeting ends 10 minutes early and we immediately start scrolling on our phones in our newsfeeds, right? So there are those moments of brief time in between things or moments of downtime. My recommendation is to go for connection first in those moments. So instead of immediately putting on a podcast or immediately scrolling through your newsfeed, text a friend or call a family member and say, hey, I just have a few minutes to chat, but wanted to check in. This is going to feel like a stretch for those of us who are either wallflowers or fireflies, right? Because we're more introverted by nature. So it takes a little bit those of us who are either wallflowers or fireflies, right? Because we're more introverted by nature. So it takes a little bit more of a push, but this will come very

naturally to butterflies and evergreens who more readily do things like that, but it's beneficial for all of us. And the research shows that when we put in that effort to reach out and connect, we enjoy it. The other person, chances are, they're going to appreciate it more than we expect, and it's going to help maintain and deepen those connections. The older and obviously wiser that I get, the more concerned I've become about things that I never even thought about in my younger years. Things like the quality of my mattress and breathing clean air. I'm slightly obsessive about my air quality because air pollutants can cause all sorts of issues from

itchy throat and sneezing to lung and heart disease. And did you know that we take about 20,000 breaths a day and Americans spend an average of 90% of their time indoors? Friends, I work from home, so I go literal days without leaving my house. And my favorite solution? Well, let me tell you about Air Doctor, the air purifier that filters out 99.99% of dangerous contaminants so your lungs don't have to. This includes allergens, pollen, pet dander, dust mites, mold spores, and even bacteria and viruses. I not only breathe better, I breathe easier because of my Air Doctor. Air Doctor comes with a 30-day money-back guarantee, so if you don't love it, just send it back for a refund

minus shipping. Head to airdoctorpro.com and use promo code TIWW, and you'll receive up to $300 off air purifiers and a free three-year warranty. Lock in this special offer by going to A-I-R-D-O-C-T-O-R-P-R-O.com. That's airdoctorpro.com and use promo code T-I-W-W. And now we head back to the show. You mentioned earlier kind of the exercise styles, and now we talked about the social connection styles and preferences. I know you have a social fitness list of exercises that we can use to optimize our social health. What are some of those things? So there are four strategies that I recommend for people to improve your social health. The first is to stretch if you want more connection, right? So think about stretching your physical muscles. We do that so that we gain more flexibility and more movement.

In that same way, you can stretch your social muscles by trying to make new friends or seeking new communities that you can be part of. The second strategy is to rest. This is if you need less connection. So thinking again about our physical muscles, it's really important to actually let our bodies rest in between reps or in between workout days so that the body has time to heal. And in that same way, as we know as introverts, it's also important to let our social muscles rest and to balance that solitude with that socializing. The third strategy is to tone, which means to deepen your relationships. So similarly with our physical muscles, when we tone our muscles, it's about really becoming stronger. And in that same way,

with our social muscles, toning them means strengthening those relationships, going deeper into them. And then the final strategy is to flex your social muscles, which means sustaining those relationships over time. So in the same way that we would flex our physical muscles and kind of show off how strong we are, we can flex our relationships to make sure that we're nourishing them in the long term and not just one-off connections. Okay. Good strategies. Now,

I know somebody listening is like, yeah, all well and good, but I don't have time. Because I know we all experience that feeling. We're being pulled in a million different directions. We have families and people we care for and work and all the things, right? Have we gotten too busy is the question. And what would you say, and you've already gave some strategies there, you know, just start with connection and those in-between moments, but what would you say to the person that's like, I'm too busy to spend time with friends or to, you know, do something just for fun or do something casual? How do we get out of that way of thinking? Yeah, absolutely. We are all busy. And so I don't want anyone to feel so much pressure or to feel guilty at the end of the week if they just haven't had time for their friends, for example, right? Social health ebbs and flows. So over time, there are going to be periods of your life where

you're extremely busy and some of your relationships take more of a backseat. And that's okay, right? Have grace with yourself to know that that will change again. The other thing I would say is to prioritize quality over quantity. So this is one of five key principles that I talk about with social health, that quality is more important than quantity. So even if it's once a month having a catch-up call with a close friend of yours, if that's all that feels feasible, but for those 10 minutes or hopefully a little bit longer, hopefully an hour, if that's really quality connection time, that's wonderful, right? It's about prioritizing the interactions that feel feasible in our lives, that feel fulfilling, and prioritizing those, and then letting go of any pressure to go beyond that, right? So I want

people to know that the stakes are high because the research shows that having these fulfilling relationships is so vital to our health and our happiness and our longevity. And at the same time, we all need to be compassionate with ourselves and recognize that the reality of living in modern life is that sometimes we're going to be too busy and that's okay. Keep trying and have grace with yourself. That resonates with me. And I love the focus on quality over quantity that has been woven through. Because when we have those moments, I think sometimes we call or reach out to the person that we feel obligated to, like out of guilt or burden. And as opposed to, you know,

who's the person to call right now that's going to give me energy, that's going to leave me feeling nourished and all of that. I have the expert. I have to ask the expert, what about technology and social media? Are these improving, negatively impacting, somewhere in between our social health, where does this play in? Yeah, sure. Can I also just add one point on what you said before too? Of course. Because I think it's really important. I think there's also an opportunity to be candid and open with our friends and family and loved ones about where we are. So if you're going through a period where

maybe you've just moved to a new city and you're trying to settle in, or you've become a parent and you're raising little kids, it's okay to say, hey, I just want you to know life feels crazy right now, but I care about you and I'm here for you if you need. And I promise that we'll be in closer touch once I have more capacity. And just be honest about where we are because we all go through that. And I would invite all of us to be more open and transparent about what we're going through in our lives with each other. I agree.

And also being better about asking for what we need, right? So like you talked about, you know, that if you just had a child, it's like all of our needs are different, but you might say to somebody, hey, I need a little bit more outreach at this point, or hey, it would be really great if you came and visited a little bit more,

or if you would offer some help. I think, you know, people can always say no, but I'm more and more firm on the belief that we're responsible for getting our own needs met. And one of the best ways that we can do that is by asking for it. Absolutely. in those periods of time, bring the nourishment we need and that you've been talking about and will help, you know, I think develop that social health that we so desperately need, maybe in sometimes more than others, but I'd say pretty consistently across the board.

The other thing about that is that it might feel a little bit vulnerable to reach out and be honest in that way and ask for what it is that we need in our relationships at a given time. And yet the research shows that vulnerability is one of the best ways to deepen your connection with someone, right? When you confide in someone or you share a challenge that you're going through, or you talk about an aspiration that you have in your life or career, there are really interesting studies showing that those people perceive us as more likable and we perceive them more favorably as well. So this magical thing happens when we are vulnerable with someone where it creates trust,

it creates closeness, and that aids our relationship. So chances are it's really worth taking that risk to be honest and express what it is that you need in the relationship, because chances are it could actually help enhance that connection. So that jives completely with my research on confidence and how perfectionism actually creates distance in relationships. It is really hard to want to be connected or in relationship with somebody who is portraying themselves and their life as perfect. And exactly what you're saying is when you're vulnerable, real, authentic, even when you share the not so great things or the struggles, how that actually builds and creates connection. It's wildly opposite of what

I always thought, you know, as a recovering perfectionist, but it's pretty incredible. Okay. So what about the technology and social media aspects as it relates to social connection? Helpful, hurtful? So the role of technology and social media in particular in our social health is certainly complicated, right? It feels like we are still in the early stages of figuring out how to connect with each other online in a way that's actually nourishing. So the data shows that what matters most is how we use technology rather than how much. So if we're using social media to stay in touch, to perhaps find new communities, right? So for example, one instance that I love is people with rare diseases or different illnesses

where they're able to find support groups and connect with other people who they wouldn't have been able to connect with in real life. That's a great example of using technology as a tool to get the support that we need. On the other hand, studies that have gotten people to go off social media for extended periods of time typically show that those people feel less lonely, less isolated, less depressed, less anxious, right? So there's certainly something to the fact that we're not always using these platforms in ways that are healthy, which also brings me to an important point, which is that it's not just on us, right? The way that these platforms are designed are currently not socially healthy, right?

For most of us. And so it's also up to technology companies to create products that help us actually foster more meaningful connection. And that's true across society. If we think about our workplaces, how can we design those for more meaningful connection? If we think about our workplaces, how can we design those for more meaningful connection? If we think about our healthcare system, how can we understand that connection is healthy in

interactions with our doctors? How can we design policies that help support legislation and funding for projects that promote more meaningfully connected communities. So you can see that across society, yes, there's so much that we can do as individuals, but also we need to think broader and more systematically about how we create the conditions for all of us to thrive through connection. Okay. That makes sense. And I have to ask this one last question while we have the time. As much as I think we would all love to interact with people who nourish us and fill our cups, the reality is most days, if not weeks or months, we have to interact with people we don't get along with or who drain us of energy. What can we do to either, maybe not prevent, to counteract the toll that might take or the negative impact

to our social health that that might have? Absolutely. It's inevitable that we're going to experience conflict or have to work with people, for example, who kind of ruffle our feathers. This is inevitable. So a few suggestions. One is to try to limit the amount of interactions that we have with those people in general. Let's say you're a parent and you take your kids to the playground and you see some other parents who you don't necessarily click with, right? That's okay. Be kind and show up when you need to, and then also limit that time where you need. Or bring a book and put headphones in. That's just my trick. Yes. I mean, you might seem a little antisocial, but yes. I mean, keep-

Or educated. Anyway. Totally. I support that too, for sure. Limit it where you can. Also try to resolve conflict where possible, right? Depending on the situation, let's say it's a family member or a relative, if it's possible to come to some sort of agreement where you can relate in a healthier way, that's wonderful. And then the last thing I would say is to, when a negative interaction or a relationship is just inevitable, counteract it with positive connection. And that could be connection with yourself, right? Some alone time to take a breather and reset. Or it could be connection with someone you love and do get along with.

Maybe it's venting to another friend about what happened and releasing that from your body. So those are my suggestions. I'm a big proponent of a good vent session. Me too. Sometimes that's what we all need. And having somebody you can do that with where it's safe and productive and healthy and loving, I'm a big advocate for. Absolutely. Kasley, thank you so much for joining us today. You absolutely, listener, need to get your hand on her book, The Art and Science of Connection,

available on Amazon or go to her website, kasleykillum.com. And you can also get access to her newsletter on her website as well and follow her on Instagram and LinkedIn. We'll put all of the links in show notes. Kasley, thank you. Nicole, thank you. My pleasure. Okay, friend, here's the action part of our show because action builds confidence and because feeling lonely is a painful way to live and we can do something about it. What social fitness exercise are you prioritizing today? There is no pill or diet that can replace human

connection, no pharmacy or doctor who can fill the void or our desire to be seen. In a world of followers, comments, and algorithms, we are craving connection, intimacy, and empathy. And here's what I know for sure. You deserve to be seen, heard, and valued. We all do. Connection, as if our lives depend on it. That is woman's work.