This Is Woman's Work with Nicole Kalil - Stop Saying That! (Like Right Fucking Now) | 216

Episode Date: June 7, 2024

On this episode of TIWW I share (ok rant) some of the things we still find ourselves saying in the year 2024. These are things we’re all hearing and probably saying – mostly out of habit or because we can’t think of what else to say – but regardless of the reason we should absolutely stop saying. Immediately. Like right fucking now. We make an agreement with each other that these phrases and questions will no longer fly out of our mouths, and maybe that we’ll even encourage others to stop when they fly out of theirs. In preparation, I polled a bunch of women, and here are the things that make it into the top of our “Stop Saying That” list. Feel free to forward this episode to your moms, aunts, cousins, coworkers, friends – all the people who are still saying these things.  You don’t owe anyone explanations about your life and choices. And we can’t prevent people from saying stupid shit, as much as I wish we could. So make kindness your go-to and fuck off your sidekick. Like what you heard? Please rate and review  Thanks to our This Is Woman’s Work Sponsor: Email [e-mail] to learn more advertising on the This Is Woman’s Work podcast and to schedule your spot today. Want hundreds of thousands of people to learn about your offering? Let us help you take it to the next level!

I'm Nicole Kalil, and you may have noticed that I've been a little more, I don't know, heated in our most recent This Is Woman's Work episodes. Maybe you see it as a little more aggressive, feisty, or in your face. Or maybe it's direct, honest, real. There are lots of ways to see it, I'm sure, but the way I see it is I've been more me. Because this podcast is the most me thing that I get to do, and I feel like I'm finally fully leaning into that. Authenticity is a core value of mine, and I show up as me in everything that I do. And I also often feel like there's a holding back that happens. Like I'm turning the dial down to a seven instead of

bringing my full 10. Mostly I think I do this because the 10 version of me isn't appropriate in most places. Or maybe it's because I worry that the 10 version of me will be way too much for most people and I'll end up alone. But that seems more like a conversation for therapy, yes? Anyway, I'm very mindful when I'm in situations with the potential to influence and when I'm in situations where what I say really doesn't matter at all. As an example, when we cover important, difficult, or even polarizing topics on this show, it's extremely important to me that I be respectful of different viewpoints and that I acknowledge

that the way I see it is just that. It's my opinion based on my beliefs, based on my experiences. So I focus on and I do my best to communicate responsibly, to be curious, and to be inclusive. Do I always succeed? No, but it is in the forefront of my mind, and I do the best I can with the information that I have at the time. And I'm also willing to acknowledge and then do the work whenever it is that I do mess up. And I do that because it's important, because I believe that far too many leaders and influencers are being far too lazy in their communication, and they're going for shock value or distraction

or even division, because that's what sells. It almost seems like they feel like they can say whatever shit flies out of their mouth with no consequences. And unfortunately for many, they do get away with it. So maybe in those cases, it's not so much of a dialing down of me, but a dialing up of who it is that I aspire to be. But whenever I'm in places or with people where what I say doesn't matter so much, like on the couch with Jay or hanging out with my best friends, or when I'm spending time with family, my dial stops working altogether. It's like the filter between my brain and my mouth gets a much needed rest and I relax

fully into me. I'm not different. I'm just unfiltered. So I've started doing a few more of these unfiltered episodes because I am both and. I am conscious and I'm also unfiltered. So please note that I'm also fully aware that saying I'm just being me is not an excuse for bad behavior or for being an asshole. So if ever I do cross over into that territory, I'll have to own it and deal with the consequences as I should.

So when I say I'm being unfiltered, I just mean that I'm not thinking about whatever when I say I'm being unfiltered, I just mean that I'm not thinking about whatever it is that I'm about to say from multiple angles. I'm just thinking out loud. And now I noticed that I'm starting to filter. So let me stop doing that and let's dive right in. On this episode of This Is Woman's Work, I wanna talk or rant about some of the things

that I still find ourselves saying in the year 2024. These are things we are all hearing and probably saying mostly out of habit or because we can't think of what else to say. But regardless of the reason, we should absolutely stop saying immediately, like right fucking now. We need to make an agreement with each other that these phrases and questions will no longer fly out of our mouths. And maybe that will even encourage others to stop saying it when it flies out of theirs. So in preparation, I polled a bunch of women and here are the things that make it into the top of our stop saying that shit list. Feel free to forward this episode to your moms,

aunts, cousins, coworkers, friends, or all the people who are still saying any of these things. Think of this as a public service announcement. Like, please listen carefully because you'll be doing them a huge service on behalf of all women and frankly, all people. And I tell you what, if anyone says these things to or around me, you have officially been warned. I will call you out politely at first because I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt that you just don't know. But after that, the gloves come off and I give you permission to do the same with me because friend, I have asked a couple of these questions within the last five years because I found myself in situations where I didn't know what to say and it sort of just flew out of my mouth.

So if anyone listening was on the receiving end of me doing that, my sincere apologies. I have learned and I'm equipped with much better questions now. So going forward, if we feel the urge to say any of the following, we must resist. We must cover our mouths, bite our tongue, whatever it is that we need to do. Because if anyone that we're close to wants to talk about any of this stuff, they will bring it up. And most of us would agree that these things are either generally inappropriate or simply not conversations to be had with strangers, acquaintances, or friends and

family that you don't generally have deep, meaningful conversations with on the regular. Okay, enough with the setup. Here's the first thing on my stop saying that list, and it is any version of why are you single. The other versions might sound like, how is it possible that somebody hasn't scooped you up yet? Or, oh, you're too pretty to be single. Or any version of the unsolicited, hey, I have a cousin that I want to set you up with. Basically anything that even hints that there is something wrong with being single or that anyone should feel bad about being single or that implies that romantic relationships or marriage is everyone's current and future desire. There are so many reasons we should stop asking this, but first, can we please acknowledge that

dating is hard and that people suck and finding somebody you actually want to share your life with romantically is a personal choice. And even for those who desire it, a difficult choice, especially for ambitious, confident, capable women, because they can stand on their own two feet. And if they want a romantic relationship, they often want to be with somebody who adds value, who makes life better. And regardless of gender, finding somebody who does that, who you also want to get naked with, is pretty fucking hard. I'm also going

to say this, and man, it's going to piss a few people off, but here's the deal. From the outside looking in, we need to accept that marriage does not look all that great. Seriously, if we look around or if you talk to women as much as I do, it seems like most marriages fall in these few categories. Category one, they're miserable. Category two, let's call it a, if it works for you, great, but it wouldn't work for me, so no thanks, I'm not interested in that type of marriage. Or category three, I'm gonna take a wait and see approach. It's early, but I have interested in that type of marriage. Or category three, I'm going to take a wait and see approach.

It's early, but I have hope for you in your marriage. Or category four, and this is a very small segment, we'll call sign me up for that. I would love to be in a relationship like yours. But for the most part, marriage doesn't look so aspirational. The average marriage lasts eight years, and you don't spend eight years together feeling mostly happy and then all of a sudden end it. And to be clear, I don't believe that you're meant to be happy at all times in any relationship. But more happy than not should be a general baseline for marriage. And there's an actual study out there that reports that unmarried women without

children are happier than everyone else. And friend, that is not that big of a surprise for me. So here's the bottom line with the why are you single questions. Someone's relationship status is none of your business and definitely not your problem to solve. So unless somebody brings it up with you, let's stop saying anything like, why are you single, shall we? Also, no more saying you'll find them when you least expect it. On behalf of myself, when I was single

and wanted to be in a relationship, I call bullshit. It may work like that for some people, but certainly not all, and trust me when I say that that statement doesn't make anyone feel better. Okay. The next thing we should absolutely stop saying is a follow-up to the last one about being single. And it typically starts like, when are you going to fill in the blank with any of the following? When are you going to get married? When are you going to have kids? When are you going to have another kid? Really any version of the assumption that the next logical step after not single status

is for someone to get married and have children or multiple children. With the when are you getting married question, I refer you back to the same reasons I said already. And also, a reminder, it's none of your fucking business. If the person is planning to get married or do any of those things and wants you to know about it, guess what? They'll tell you. As it relates to asking about having children, there are many people, single, married, or otherwise that are child free by choice. And that is a very valid decision that absolutely

should be respected. And if you can't respect it, guess what? It's still none of your fucking business. And for those that are childless, not by choice, but because they can't or are struggling to have children, your question can be heartbreaking and painful. And let's not do that to the people we claim to care about. And if you don't care about them, you have no fucking reason to be asking about it in the first place. Which leads me to the, are you going to have another kid question? Again, the implication is that more is better, but I feel very confident that many parents would not agree with that. Certainly not all, but I think most. There are many, many reasons why people choose not to have more kids than what they

already have. And all of those reasons, none of your business. Unless you're their childcare provider or are paying their lifestyle expenses, I can't see any reason why you would need to know that. And for the love of God, stop asking that question to women with newborns. They are fucking exhausted. Their hormones are all over the place. They're just trying to make it through this experience. And frankly, asking them that question while they're still in it is a dick move. So just stop. And let me just say, if anyone asks you any version of these questions, please remember they're not owed an answer. You do not need to respond or provide information, reasons, or explanations. You can change the subject. You

can kindly say that's personal and you're not open to discussing it. Or if they're actually being an asshole in any way, or you have already given them the benefit of the doubt and they still keep sticking their nose into places it doesn't belong, then give them the finger. Really. I mean, do whatever feels right to you, but give them a finger as an option. And if they're offended by your finger, remember, they started it. Oh, and one more thing to consider as it relates to kids. We definitely should stop asking pregnant people if they want a boy or a girl, as if one is ideal and the other is a consolation prize. I didn't realize this until I was pregnant myself, but when people say that they don't care

and they just want a healthy baby, they really mean it. Some other versions of this is asking people who currently only have boys if they really want a girl or with all girls if they're trying for a boy. Enough with the gender shit, people. Again, if the people you're asking actually care about this, they will do a gender reveal party or they will let you know in some way. You do not need to ask. It's time we let go and stop asking questions about people's relationship or procreating status. Okay, on to my next category of shit we should no longer say because come the fuck on, we should

know better at this point, is any commentary on a person's size, weight, or the increase or decrease of either of those. Here's a laundry list of what it might look like, but I'm not even coming close to scratching the surface, so let's ban any version of any of these. It looks like you've lost weight, or it looks like you've gained weight. You look great. Have you lost weight? Oh my gosh, you've gotten so skinny. Are you pregnant? Just no, literally don't ever ask that. Are you going to eat all of that? Or you've barely touched your food or you eat like a bird. If you are, by the way, genuinely concerned with somebody's health, like you think they've gotten too skinny and you're worried about their health or they're too overweight and you're worried about their health,

you had better be in a close enough relationship with them to bring that up in a way that's caring and curious, not some bullshit comments on their eating habits. That is not caring. That is being an asshole. So hear me out on this. We're reinforcing the almost constant messaging we've already received most of our lives that our value is in our physical appearance. And the skinnier, the better.

And we need to stop. If you must compliment somebody's physical appearance, first, let's watch for the signs that they're open to it. And then let's at least attempt to compliment other things in other ways. You look radiant. You look strong. I love the color you're wearing.

It brings out your eyes. You look happy. There are so many freaking options. And let's be real. Some people do put themselves out there and are clearly fishing for compliments on how they look. And it generally hurts my heart a little because it very rarely feels rooted in confidence for me.

But if it doesn't hurt me to give them what it is that they want, sure, I'll tell them they look beautiful or compliment them on the courage, commitment, or dedication it must have taken to lose or gain weight if that's been hard for them in the past. But I don't think it should be a default, and I think that we should err on the side of just working on giving better compliments in general. A quick announcement for all the incredible women entrepreneurs and business owners who are listening in. If you are looking to expand your reach and showcase your products, your online courses, books, or services to an engaged and

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as excited as I am. And now let's head back to the show. Okay. So for the things that I've covered that we should stop saying, I think we'd agree that a lot of them are being directed at women, but that mostly these things should be off limits for everyone of any gender. Like we should just stop saying this shit altogether. I don't care who you're talking to. And I'll also point out that I think most of the people who are saying these things that I've already covered are women. So ladies, I say this with all the love in the world, but do better. Okay. On to a few more things that I think we need to stop saying. I'm going to put this next thing into the category of anything that assumes that a woman's first or only or final priority

is to marry and have kids. I know we've already talked about this, but I'm talking more about the assumption that seems to pop up that women will give up on their career, their ambition, or any big goals in the blink of an eye in favor of having someone else take care of her or in favor of having someone to take care of. Some examples of this are with your expensive taste, you better marry a man with money, or you should find yourself a nice man so you can settle down. Or will you go back to work whenever a woman is pregnant? On its face, not the worst question, especially if you're their employer and really want to know. But if you ask it of women, then ask it of men too. And if it would feel weird

for you to say it to a man, then just stop saying it altogether. Next up, and I think this one is fairly obvious, but under no circumstances should anyone tell a woman to smile or to smile more. I have one of two reactions on the rare occasion that somebody says this to me. And my first choice is to smile, but like in a maniacal serial killer sort of way. I mean, truly, the more I look like a psychopath, the better. And then I say something like, there, I smiled more just for you. And maybe a better option if I actually care, I might say something like authenticity is a core value of mine. So I smile when it feels authentic to smile, not when people ask me to. But the reality is I shouldn't ever need either of those responses because we should stop telling women to smile. And on the subject of our moods,

can we agree to forever ban the question, is it that time of the month or the comments you're being hormonal. Maybe you feel differently, but I will fucking end you if you ask me that. Maybe it's because it's that time of the month, but also because if I'm feeling angry, frustrated, or generally pissed off, there are lots of reasons why that could be. And maybe one of them is because you're being an asshole. And that question implies that my feelings are invalid and that you being an asshole is really ultimately my problem. This falls under the category of never in the history of calm down. Has anybody ever calmed down by being told to calm down, right?

And if it is in fact that time of the month, hopefully we can say this all together now, it is none of your fucking business. Now, you might be thinking I'm being too sassy, feisty, angry, or emotional, which are other things that I think we should definitely limit or consider stopping altogether calling other women, because it sounds condescending and there is usually a clear bias associated with it. I can tell you with absolute certainty that I have personally seen at least as many men as I have women being emotional. And yet, I've almost never heard anyone

call a man emotional. And what about angry? Well, I'm gonna throw out a few quick statistics, but 98% of mass shootings, 90% of violent assaults, and 95% of domestic abuse are being perpetrated by not women. So I don't think women's anger is what we need to be commenting on here or ever. Which brings me to one last thing that I think we need to stop saying or stop asking. And this one is regardless of gender, but it's actually something I think we need to consider more when it comes to men. How about we stop asking all versions of what do you do for a living?

At least as a starting point for conversations or our first question on a first date. I know our work is often a very big part of our lives and we're often very excited to talk about it, but there are other things we can and should ask. The reason that I find this highly problematic, especially for men, is that it implies that their primary value is in what they do versus who they are. It reinforces the constant messaging they get from very young age that men should provide and that their financial and career success is the measure of a man. Just like how many women get the message that our value is in our looks and our ability to be nurturing. So again, let's do better. Okay, I've lost count.

I don't know how many we should stop saying that things I listed, but clearly I feel pretty strongly about them. So let me close out by saying this. I do believe that in most cases, when people ask questions like this or say these things, they have good intentions or just can't think of what else to say, which I can empathize with because I suck at small talk and it can be hard to know what to talk about when you haven't seen someone in a long time or you end up in a conversation with somebody that you don't know all that well. So to help us all out, here are just a very small

list of questions or things that we could say instead if you're looking for options to keep in your back pocket and pull out when you just don't know what else to say, like I often do. So here are some examples. What are you most excited about right now? How are you spending your time these days? What lights you up? Hey, you look strong. You look healthy. I love that color on you. I would love to hear some life updates. It's been a long time. Catch me up on what's happening in your world, or even what do you want to talk about? People often ask you back the same question, so that helps us on the receiving end too.

But bottom line, if somebody asks you something that you feel they shouldn't, or that makes you uncomfortable or feels personal. I advocate for giving people the benefit of the doubt, but that doesn't mean that you need to answer the question. Change the subject. Kindly say, I'm not open to talking about that. Or, hey, I know you're asking because you care, but that's not actually something I feel like talking about. Or whatever you need to do to move on. And if they don't take the hint or don't listen to your direct communication, well then tell them to pound sand or send them this podcast so I can tell them to stop saying that unfiltered at a 10. Because

friend, you don't owe anyone explanations about your life and your choices. And we can't prevent people from saying stupid shit as much as I wish we could. So make kindness your go-to and fuck off your sidekick. I don't know. That seems like woman's work to me.