This Is Woman's Work with Nicole Kalil - VI4P - Comparison, Judgement, and Choosing Confidence (Chapter 9)

Episode Date: February 5, 2024

Click here to get your FREE Confidence Building Workbook or visit http://eepurl.com/h_moXr  Every Monday I’m bringing a chapter of Validation Is For Parking: How Women Can Beat The Confidence Con) to life!  This week we go through Chapter 9 on Comparison & Judgment (pages 21-23 in the workbook) and Choosing Confidence (pages 33-34 in the workbook).  Here’s what you can expect: I acknowledge how easy it is to fall into the comparison trap and how judgment is its trusty sidekick Using social media as an example, I talk about how it’s the equivalent of mental junk food, and how it’s hurting our confidence The antidote to comparison and judgment gets revealed - it’s simple, but will require practice! I share 4 tips for choosing confidence that works for me and many, many others, including creating your own Recovery Plan (pages 37 - 40 in the workbook). For a FREE guide to design your own Recovery Plan, visit https://nicolekalil.com/designing-your-recovery-plan Like what you heard? Please rate and review

I am Nicole Kalil, and if you're a regular listener of our show, you know that Mondays are all about confidence, your confidence, so you can head into your week with trust and pride in yourself, so you can lead people, raise humans, build businesses, create culture, slay dragons, whatever it is that you do. Each Monday, I've been reading a chapter of my book, Validation is for Parking, where we cover what confidence is, what it isn't, and how you actually build it.

And friend, confidence is probably not what you've been told it is. There are so many things that are chipping away at our confidence each and every day. So if we're not aware of those things, if we're not protecting ourselves from them, they can do some real damage. And the one that we're covering today is a doozy. The confidence derailer that seems to be everywhere we look and everywhere we go is comparison. If perfectionism is the enemy of confidence, head trash is the bully, overthinking is the manipulator, well then

comparison is the thief of confidence. It's literally sitting there waiting for you to stop paying attention so that it can steal confidence from right out under your nose. And comparison rarely operates on its own. It has a trusty sidekick that comes along for the heist called judgment. Because once comparison starts to do its thing, judgment is almost always right behind it. Judgment of other people and other things for sure, but also judgment of yourself. Even though I know this is a confidence derailer, I still fall into this trap. The number of times I see someone on social media and feel less than would make your head spin, which is one of the many reasons I'm not using social media as a business strategy. So I can limit the amount of time I need

to be on it. And so I can be particular about who I follow and what content I consume. And still, it happens more often than I would like. I bet it happens to you too. So chapter nine is all about comparison and judgment, as well as the confidence builder, the antidote that works best in the face of it, and that's choosing confidence. I know, I know, that sounds like a ridiculous oversimplification, right? I mean, it can't possibly be that simple, except it can be. And just because it's simple doesn't mean it's easy, and it will require practice to get good at

it. So we're about to dive in, but if you want to dig deeper and apply the learnings in your life, make sure you download the free Confidence Building Workbook. We have the link in show notes. And go to pages 21 to 23 for comparison and judgment, which I have to say helps me every single time I find myself stuck in that comparison trap, and pages 33 to 34 on choosing confidence. We open up chapter nine with a favorite quote from Stephen Furtick that says, don't compare your behind the scenes to someone else's highlight reel.

I'd like you to take a moment to picture a woman who's just waking up in the morning. We'll call her Jane, but Jane is you. Jane is any of us because we've all been in her shoes, or PJs in this case. She grabs her phone to turn off her alarm, stretches and yawns, but doesn't get up. Instead, she checks her email and starts scrolling through social media. She's curious about what's happening out in the world today, what may have come up at work in the last eight hours, how her friends and family are doing, or what drama has occurred. Within seconds of scanning the posts in her feed, she feels simultaneously better and worse about herself. Better because at least she's not a

complete moron like that person who commented on that post or living back at home like her friend from high school. Worse because she feels she's not rich enough to be traveling to Bali like someone else on her feed, fit enough to post a picture of her perfectly toned yet not at all sweaty post-workout body like the influencer she follows or as put together as the co-work she'll be having lunch with later. Jane was well-rested and ready to start her day five minutes ago, but now has a thousand thoughts swirling through her head about herself and all these different people, some of whom she hasn't actually ever even met or spoken with in decades. And just like that, she starts the day with her confidence derailed. These days, we're inundated with information about other people's lives, what they're doing,

what they're accomplishing, and how they look. Or at least, what versions of those things they want us to see. I know that judging other people and comparing ourselves to them existed 20 plus years ago, but I doubt there's ever been a time in history when it's been as accessible and easy of a trap to fall into. It's now a regular part of our day-to-day lives, just a finger swipe away to waste our time and energy competing in our own minds with everyone else. Our mental junk food is hurting us. I know I can't keep JJ off of social media forever, but by God, I'm going to try for as long as I possibly can. Without exception, every successful person, professional influencer,

or business owner I've asked has said they don't want their kid on social media. We feel this way because we know it's ultimately not good for us. We're addicted and generally speaking, addictions aren't healthy. One of the many reasons we crave social media is because of those fleeting temporary moments of validation that cause us to feel good about ourselves. Look at how many people liked my post. I must have said or done something important. Look at how many views and comments I got. People really like me. God, what is she wearing? So glad I have the sense not to go out in public looking like that. Man, that guy's an idiot. So glad I'm not that stupid. Those are some examples of the way we validate ourselves through likes, comments, and followers

and make ourselves feel better by looking down on others. But none of that is confidence. It's insecurity, ego, and arrogance. We have moments of feeling terrible as we scroll. We don't feel as beautiful as other people or accomplished or intelligent or popular or cool. Kind of a weird version of high school, right? All the issues we're internally struggling with bubble up to the surface and get right in our head as we absorb how other people are living, or at least how it looks like they're living.

We think there's something wrong with us that we could and should be doing better in a million different ways, and our insecurity grows louder and more aggressive. The head trash heaps upon itself, polluting our mind with just filth. We feel like shit, and we're not really sure why because most of this is unraveling subconsciously. It's almost impossible to log on and stay neutral. We all know this is happening and can feel it chipping away at our confidence daily. What we're comparing ourselves to doesn't exist. What happens on social media is not real. It's make-believe, a version of a story, a piece of a bigger picture. It's pretend, like the movies I watch with JJ on the couch.

But that's not how we relate to it, is it? When we get on our platform of choice, we begin to compare our everyday lives, our behind the scenes, with someone else's best moments, their highlight reel. I often say it's like comparing apples to airplanes because we're not even comparing similar things. We only see the things people are proudest of or most excited about. Even when we're privy to the bad parts, we hear about them from the benefit of hindsight. Something like, this is what happened to me a month ago, and here's how I recovered from the experience

and what I learned from it. And then somehow we have the audacity to feel bad about ourselves and make ourselves out to be bad, wrong, too much or too little, knowing damn well we're comparing our full story with their incomplete information. We will never get the full picture of someone else's story,

yet we still compare and follow up with all sorts of judgment. We do this offline too. I remember a woman I met many years ago who was older, more established, and further along in her career. In my mind, she had so much capacity and I couldn't even begin to understand how she was accomplishing everything that she was. I couldn't wrap my brain around

her energy and all the things that she had on her plate. How does she do that? Why can't I do that too? I started feeling bad about myself and wondering what was wrong with me. I started taking on more tasks, thinking, if she can do it, so can I. It wasn't until a couple years later, as our friendship deepened, that I realized certain aspects of her life were amazing, but others weren't going well at all. She also dealt with massive insecurities of her own that I could have never imagined from the outside looking in. She was dealing with heavy personal challenges that I'd known nothing about. Our brains are always trying to fill in the blanks of situations that we don't understand. But when we get to know people, it's always the same eventually.

Ah, they're human. Of course they are, just like you and me. I've wasted a lot of time and energy playing the comparison and judgment game, feeling unworthy, when in fact, I wasn't making a fair comparison in the first place. Instinctually, we know on some level that everyone suffers and has moments of doubt, fear, and failure. But our minds don't focus on that when we're measuring ourselves against them. We think that if something is going well for someone, their life must be all good. If they're making a ton of money, that person must be happy.

If they're achieving a certain level of success, they must have it all figured out. If they're attractive in our eyes, they must have the best relationships. None of those correlations are necessarily true. And I know from experience in this field that if someone's trying to prove or tell you how successful or confident they are, you probably shouldn't believe them. Remember, confidence is usually quiet, while arrogance is loud, and insecurity is what has people feel the need to prove themselves. So let me say a quick thing about judgments and comparisons annoying little cousins, complaining

and gossiping. They are bad news. Nothing good ever happens when you hang out with them. They make you look bad just by being with them. In all seriousness, these are absolutely confidence derailers. Complaining is talking about something you don't have the courage to do anything about. Credit to Lisa Kalman for that gem. And gossiping is saying things about someone that you don't have the confidence to say to their face. The counterintuitive discovery that's important with all of these derailers is that whether you're doing it to yourself or someone else, it chips away at your confidence. I think that's pretty easy to see when we're our own target.

When we're judging ourselves and thinking that we come up short or feeling less than or thinking we're not enough, we can literally feel it in our bodies causing us pain. But when we're looking at others and thinking about how horrible they are for whatever it is they're doing, we are still doing damage to our confidence. Crazy, right? The reason judging someone else chips away at your confidence

is because you're feeding your inner critic, your head trash, and your brain doesn't actually care which direction the judgment is going. All it cares about is that it's been fed. It's only a matter of time, a matter of moments until that judgment turns back on you. Judgments always give us more insight into the person judging than they do the person being judged. Your judgments say more about you than anyone else. Yikes, right?

It's true. Our judgment is a representation of our values, perceptions, maturity, beliefs, and interpretations. We're projecting all the time. No matter how self-righteous we feel when we're pointing fingers, we're ultimately doing damage to our confidence as a whole. The antidote to comparison and judgment is choosing confidence. What? Yes, you heard that right. You have to choose it. And you're thinking, if it was that easy, Nicole, I wouldn't be reading this book, would I? Let me explain and make this very important distinction. A lot of us think that confidence is a feeling we either have or don't

have. We feel like it comes to us or it doesn't. It somehow arrives or it fails us. Like I woke up this morning feeling confident or I didn't, or I'm going to walk into this opportunity if I feel confident. And if I don't, I'm going to wait. It's like confidence chooses us or doesn't, not the other way around. It's kind of like a bad relationship. We're waiting for confidence to decide if it wants to be with us, all the while forgetting that we get to choose whether or not we want to be with it. It's all wrong, I'm telling you. It's incredibly important to understand that confidence isn't just a feeling.

It's a choice. Most of us have it backward. We generate confidence. It's created within us. It's not just a feeling that shows up and suddenly provides the empowerment that we've been missing. We have to choose and then demonstrate it by taking action. It's really that simple.

But like so many things that are simple, that doesn't mean that it's easy. and then demonstrate it by taking action. It's really that simple. But like so many things that are simple, that doesn't mean that it's easy. It takes practice. Are you sensing a theme yet? One of my favorite experiences related to the work I do around confidence is the many, many opportunities I get to witness women choosing it,

even in those moments when they aren't feeling it. I've seen women do speaking engagements in front of hundreds of people after just coming out of a horrible week. I've watched women pull themselves together and call an A-plus prospective client they've been avoiding reaching out to for months. I've known women who've walked into sales meetings and landed their biggest clients after having just been rejected. I've witnessed and experienced women being heartbroken and then deciding to put themselves back out there again. The list is endless here. You probably have examples in your life where you've made these choices, you're probably doing it far more often than you're even giving yourself credit for.

Entrepreneurs do this on a regular basis. When starting out or launching a new product or service, the results they hope for are not happening yet. They're nervous, wrestling with doubt, and having moments where they feel like it's all going to fall apart. But somehow, they keep boldly moving forward regardless. I'm so inspired when I see it because I know they're creating pride and trust in themselves while they're doing it.

We've all heard or been told to fake it till you make it, right? I'm not a big fan of faking anything, and I kind of hate this advice. We women have been faking far too much for far too long anyway. I'd encourage you instead to choose it until you feel it. Choose confidence over and over, minute by minute if you need to, and keep choosing it until that feeling catches up. As you do this, you'll begin to gather more evidence of your awesomeness with each instance of choosing confidence, and you'll build that pride and trust in yourself, which will make it easier to be confident. I'm not a big sports person, but I notice people choosing confidence anytime I watch any game,

whether it be team or individual. Jay's a big basketball fan, and while I don't know a ton about the sport, what I do notice is that the players are in the moment, making and missing shots. They have plays that don't go as planned all the time. They constantly have other players in their face, fiercely defending while the crowd cheers and jeers. Do they go stand in a corner and let other people's judgments consume them? Do they say, I'm not playing as good as that other person in my position, so I'm just going to sit this one out?

Do they worry that they're a failure and let fear and doubt take over? No, they can't. They choose confidence, play by by play over and over again. They take the next shot like the last one never even happened. They immediately run back to defend whether they get the points or not. I'm always in awe of how they practice choosing confidence every single time. They don't get to give up when they lose a game. They choose confidence for the next practice

and the next game after that. This is just one example from the athletic space, but people around us are choosing confidence all the time, and we can take a page from their playbook. Again, you're probably doing this in your life more than you notice or that you're giving yourself credit for. You may have chosen confidence at work without even noticing it. Most of our jobs demand that we do. Maybe you started the day off on a bad note, like running super late and missing the school bus and cursing in front of yours and your neighbor's kid. Or maybe that just happened to me. Or maybe you just had a conversation with a colleague who isn't pulling their weight on a project that didn't go the way you'd hoped it would.

You have another meeting on your calendar in 10 minutes, however, and there's no time to marinate on how bad you feel about it or them. You have to brush it off and choose confidence to keep moving forward. You have to stay rooted in your purpose and focus on what's next. Onward and upward, right? Taking your feelings, judgments, comparisons, and head trash into the next meeting will throw you off your game and that's simply not an option. This strength and ability to choose something even when we're not feeling it can be carried with us into all areas of our lives. So how do we practice this? How do we choose confidence over judgment or comparison?

How do we build on it? Friends, there are so many ways to do this. I'm going to give you a few that have worked for me and others, but please know that this is not an exhaustive list. So tip number one, create, find, or use a mantra. Whether you prefer to call it a mantra, an affirmation, a catchphrase, or a declaration, what's important is that you have one. It should be a few words or one to two sentences max.

You want to keep it short enough that you can both remember it and use it quickly when needed. Here are a few mantra building tips. Use I or my, not we. Say it in the present tense because you're calling the future into the present. Have it be meaningful to you and eliminate any wishy-washy words. Don't worry about grammar or whether or not it'll sound good to others or if it feels cheesy or too big. This is for you and only you. Here are some mantra or whatever it is that you want to call it examples. When you see someone else crushing it and start feeling bad about yourself, you can

say, I am enough just as I am. Someone gives you unsolicited business advice. My goals are mine and they matter. I confidently achieve them. If someone questions your abilities, I am an unstoppable force. When someone judges you or comments negatively about your choices, I trust myself. There are so many great mantras and affirmations out there if you find yourself struggling, honestly, just Google it. Okay, tip number two, use Mel Robbins' five-second rule.

When you catch yourself hesitating on something you want to do that requires confidence, count five, four, three, two, one, and move forward on one. This is especially helpful for interrupting the habit of overthinking and interrupting fear and doubt. Basically, it's a super quick method to change your mental habits and get out of your comfort zone. For example, if you have an idea in a meeting, but you don't normally speak up, five, four, three, two, and on one, say your idea or raise your hand if blurting out your idea would be bad timing. Tip three, practice intentional breathing.

Take three deep breaths with purpose. Center and ground yourself. Breathe in what you need and breathe out everything else. For example, plant your feet firmly on the floor. Put your hands on your hips or in a prayer position, close your eyes, breathe in confidence and breathe out doubt. Then open your eyes and get into action. Tip four, build and leverage a recovery plan. This is something I developed as a way for me to get back into action on super tough

days, especially when I found myself stuck in comparison or judgment of myself or others. Because let's be honest, it's pretty easy to take action on the great days. But when the shit hits the fan, you've just faced rejection, fear, or doubt have taken control of your brain, or when you just don't feel like it, it's important to have a plan. Your recovery plan is a list of things that give you energy, remind you what's important, motivate you, and are action-oriented. Taking one or more actions that fuel you will get you in the right place to take action when you don't feel like it or you're afraid

to. You can find a free guide to designing your recovery plan on my website, NicoleKhalil.com. There's also the link in show notes, but here are some examples of things that you'll find there. Example number one, read your feel-good folder. This is where you keep any notes that people send you telling you about the great work you've done or how you've made a difference and so on. It will help you focus on yourself again and remind you that you do good work rather than focusing on anyone or anything else. Another example, listen to your confidence playlist. Create and name a playlist that includes songs that fire you up. It's 90s gangster rap for me, seriously. Exercise. Go for a run, get on the treadmill, do yoga,

go on a hike or take a boxing class. Do anything that releases endorphins, connects you to your strength and can help you release negative energy or frustration. And let's be real, sometimes you just need to hit something. Another example is read. This could be something faith-based like the Bible or self-development oriented. It could be quotes, blogs, or books. It doesn't matter as long as it fuels you in the best way. You can listen. Podcasts are a great option here. I know a good one,

shameless plug for my podcast, This Is Woman's Work, which you can find on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Obviously, you know that because you're listening. But okay, shameless plug over. And then another option is phone a friend. Know what you need and call the best person to give it to you. Do not call someone who's going to let you wallow in your misery or commiserate on your judgments. Call someone like a coach, a mentor, a friend who's an encourager, cheerleader, or challenger. There are so many options here, but you get the idea, right? Do as many things on your recovery plan as needed to get back into action towards what

matters most to you. Choosing confidence on purpose. Why is choosing confidence the antidote to judgment and comparison? Well, because it's a fast, simple way to shift your mindset away from everyone else and back to what matters. We need that when we find ourselves playing the comparison game and when we're judging ourselves and others. How can you practice it when you're scrolling online,

seeing pictures of your friends on vacation in Bora Bora? Well, I might argue, and I'm testing this out myself with occasional social media detoxes, that choosing confidence might involve not getting on social media in the first place. I wouldn't go as far as to claim that confident people don't use social media in the first place. I wouldn't go as far as to claim that confident people don't use social media because they certainly do. But ask yourself though, what you're looking to accomplish by getting that social media fix. What's your purpose

and are you honoring it by logging on? How will seeing what other people are up to serve you? Are you currently in the right place for even getting on social media? Only you can provide true answers to those questions, but I'd submit that it's beneficial to set an intention rather than just scarfing down that mental junk food. If you're mindful about what's entering your headspace, you'll be far less likely to be derailed and feel your confidence take that hit. But when you do jump on social media, practice choosing confidence like an athlete, moment by moment, play by play. Choose confidence.

One of the funniest and most frustrating things about social media to me is how often people spread disinformation about what confidence is. You and I know by now that it's not about comments, likes, or views. It's not about how it looks. It's about how it is. Confidence is built from the inside out. And we'll talk in the next chapter about how to keep ours on solid ground. There you have it, friends.

As I said in the beginning of this episode, choosing confidence is going to require practice, lots and lots of practice. Think for a minute how much practice you've had so far in your life with comparing and judging. We're working to counteract that, so I'm talking everyday practice. Leverage pages 21 and 23 and 33 and 34 in the free workbook. The link is in show notes. Or go to NicoleKhalil.com and download my guide to designing your own personalized recovery

plan so you can practice picking yourself up, dusting yourself off, and getting back into action, which we already know is a confidence builder, toward what matters most. Remember, confidence isn't comparing yourself to someone else and coming out ahead. Confidence is not needing to compare yourself to anyone at all. It's trusting yourself firmly and boldly. While validation, well, that's for parking.