This Is Woman's Work with Nicole Kalil - VI4P - How The Confidence Con Plays Out In Our Lives (Chapter 2)

Episode Date: December 18, 2023

To get your FREE Confidence Building workbook, click here. You will be added to our weekly communication for even more confidence building tips! You can unsubscribe at any time… but we hope you’ll stay with us for the confidence building journey. Every Monday for the next several weeks (as long as it takes to get through Validation Is For Parking: How Women Can Beat The Confidence Con), I’m going to bring a chapter of the book to life!  This week we work our way through Chapter 2 and talk about How The Confidence Con Plays Out In Our Lives. Here’s what you can expect: Well, I start with what can only be considered a rant. It was super fun to write (and lots got edited out), and even more fun to read because you KNOW I love a good rant. It’s like a weight off my shoulders.  We explore the confidence gap between the sexes Impostor Syndrome and the difference between confidence and competence gets explored I lay the groundwork for anger and other “hard” emotions for the next chapter Like what you heard? Please rate and review

I am Nicole Kalil, and we're kicking off our Mondays and the rest of our week with confidence. In today's episode, we're going to be covering Chapter 2 of Validation is for Parking, which is all about how the confidence con plays out in our lives. Since we're laying the foundation for you to build your confidence, I want you to be thinking about and getting connected to what you would do with more confidence. What decisions would you make? What risks would you take? What dreams would you take? What dreams would you chase? Maybe you're thinking of a career step you'd take or a conversation you'd have or something or someone you'd walk toward or something or someone

you'd walk away from. Make sure you're writing down these very important goals in your confidence building workbook, which you can download for free by clicking the link in show notes. There is space for you to write what you would do with big confidence on page four. And it's important because like most things, knowing why you want to do something is way more impactful than knowing how to do it. Okay, we start chapter two, how the Confidence Con plays out in our lives with a quote. And it goes like this.

It's hard to be a woman. You must think like a man, act like a lady, look like a young girl, and work like a horse. In 2018, leadership development consultants Jack Zanger and Joseph Folkman published data that showed around 50% of men 25 years or younger said they felt confident, while only 30% of women said the same. By their mid-40s, women and men rated themselves as equally confident. And at age 60, most women ended up surpassing men in confidence. After learning about this data, it's pretty natural to ask why so many women lack confidence early in their lives. I get asked that question a lot. And while I have a more polished answer at the ready,

the real answer that always pops into my mind is how the fuck could we not? Think about how a girl grows up in our society. From the moment she's born, she's surrounded by the message that her value is in her ability to be cute, clean, quiet, respectful, helpful, and pleasing to others. The boys will be boys mantra allows little boys to get away with shit she never could, like roughhousing or rolling around in the mud. That's not nice, careful, or cute, she's told. And don't even get me started on how early sexy gets introduced. Don't believe me? Check out all the sexy Halloween costumes available for eight-year-old girls. The media that surrounds her says pretty and sexy are of vital importance if you're a girl, which basically confirms and reinforces that she exists for the

pleasure of others. She notices certain trends in the shows and the movies she watches, and once she's old enough to get online, on social media too. Her appearance can't possibly measure up to the airbrushed and filtered photos of the quote-unquote ideal woman she is exposed to on a daily basis. So she begins to dislike her body and by extension herself as a whole. From an illegally young age, grown men might leer, catcall, comment, and touch her without permission. She might be called an underage woman, which is confusing because she's a child. Getting married and having kids is considered by others to be a foregone conclusion in her life, so she's introduced to caretaking chores early on. Many boys grow into adulthood without basic life skills

like how to cook a chicken breast, wash the clothes they got dirty, or properly load a dishwasher. If you have a son and are teaching him these skills, by the way, give yourself a high five. Tasks like these are upheld as priorities for her because of the assumption that she'll need to do them not only for herself, but for her family too. She's told if she's attractive and pleasing enough, because no other qualities matter as it relates to finding her man, that someone great will choose her and then she'll finally be complete. Don't even get me started, by the way, on the my other half term, as if any of us are half humans. And once married, she may continue to pursue her career, but has to work extra hard to prove herself professionally while managing the

lion's share of the household and caretaking responsibility, which is another full-time job in itself. Just ask the work in the home parents. I refuse to call them stay-at-home moms because it implies they're hanging around the house all day, which is utter crap. That job would be harder for me than growing a business, speaking around the world, writing a book, and coaching hundreds of other people. I know this from experience. At work, she questions herself constantly, worried that if she makes one mistake, it'll be her professional demise. She feels pressure to hustle and grind, but is seen

as difficult to work with if she speaks up too boldly in meetings or expresses disagreement with others. Self-doubt plagues her because the messages she receives doesn't resonate with how she feels. And she doesn't feel comfortable taking risks or using her voice. She's often asked to take notes, so it's hard to speak up anyway. She's told successful people are assertive and confident, like some of the men she works with, but she just sees them as condescending assholes, so it's hard to want to be like them. Her male counterparts speak up without hesitation more often, even when they're less qualified, interrupting her when she does gather the courage to speak. She's interested in leadership positions, but she's apprehensive about whether she'd be able to pull it off.

She doesn't feel confident in her abilities, despite the fact she's well-educated and experienced. On top of all of this, she's still single and childless, and people wonder why. Is she dating anyone? When is she going to get married and have kids? Where are those grandchildren she's supposed to have in order kids? Where are those grandchildren she's supposed to have in order to please her parents? But she hasn't found the right person for her yet. She doesn't even know if she wants marriage or kids, doesn't know whether she'd even be able to juggle it all without failing spectacularly or having to give up the career she worked so hard for. While observing her male peers, she recognizes she contributes at least as much, but she's getting paid less and knows it. And if she at some point decides to create human life, she vomits between meetings and falls into bed

at 6.30 p.m., more exhausted than she has ever been, only to be woken up by sore hips, heartburn, and an alien in her stomach who's convinced that 3 a.m. is an ideal time to throw a dance party. When said alien makes its debut, it comes with stitches, hemorrhoids, rock-hard breasts, and sleep deprivation that makes her feel constantly drunk, minus the fun parts. If her child refuses to latch, loses weight, or if her breasts under or overproduce milk, the most natural thing in the world may create tears of utter despair as she questions whether or not she was even meant to be a mother in the first place. She feels judgment from all directions, and that doesn't even remotely compare to the internal

guilt she places on herself. Should she even consider keeping her tiny human alive in another way that's quote unquote not natural? God forbid using a bottle. And of course, she needs more than three months of maternity leave to feel like she has any fucking idea what she's doing. But she worries she'll be judged no matter what she chooses. Going back to work too early means she must not be maternal, but going back too late means she's not committed to her career. If she goes back and doesn't sob when she leaves her child, she's heartless. If she goes back and sobs her eyes out, she's emotional. Seriously, get your shit together, lady. It's not like you performed a goddamn

miracle or anything, except she did. And when she does go back to work, Dick, short for Richard, asked if she enjoyed her time off. No, Dick, I wasn't on fucking vacation. I just got back from the hardest and most important time of my life. And trust me, there was no pool service. Don't think it's a big deal. You fucking do it, Dick. Because I seem to remember you being out of the office for three days with a tummy ache. I'd love to see you push a bowling ball out of your vagina and have major

surgery and then quote, unquote, recover by keeping a goddamn tiny human alive. The moral of this story, don't be a Richard. And then maybe she decides to create life again. One, two, three more times, maybe even more if she's ridiculously brave. She may decide to work inside the home. She may have that choice. She might feel forced into it because the cost of daycare is about the same as what her or her partner makes, but everyone assumes she'd be the one to stay home regardless. She may instead go back to work because she feels like it's part of her purpose. Either way, she'll start saying things like, I couldn't imagine being away from my kids all day, or working makes me a better mom, because

she feels compelled to explain her choice as if it's anyone else's business. Mind you, the pressure to be pretty and sexy hasn't gone anywhere. Only a few short weeks after pushing out something that took nine months to grow, she's trying to get her body to bounce back to its former glory, which is ridiculous because it's the only instance I've ever heard of where somebody tries to get back to pre-miracle status after performing one. I've never read anything about Mary wanting to get her pre-virgin birth body back. But she can't let herself go, lest her husband's eyes start to wander. Should he cheat or leave her, she'll question if it's because she wasn't sexy enough or was too tired to meet his needs or failed in some other way, like not being able to do it all. Nobody would

say anything to her face, but behind closed doors, there would be whispers of her failing and she knows it. She'd be judged regardless of what she chose among the multitude of other available options like communication, therapy, or even divorce. Divorce would inspire all the same judgment and whispers anyway, so it's not like she can really win here. Ask me again why women lack confidence. Maybe my rant wasn't enough for you. I repeat, how the fuck could we not?

Okay, you might be reading through this and thinking, that story isn't true for everyone, or it's not like that anymore, or that wasn't my experience growing up. If none of this speaks to your experience, that's amazing. And I want to bestow a medal of honor onto your parents, family, community, bosses, and spouse, if you have one. Medals all around. Can they teach courses? Unfortunately, you would be the exception, not the norm. I promise you there are women who are experiencing some or all of this.

I talk to them. I hear their stories. I am them. On the other hand, you might be reading this and thinking, I only scratched the surface of many women's experiences, and you'd be right. I didn't mention anything about race, culture, religion, sexual orientation, gender identity, poverty, access to health care, overcoming sexual assault, domestic violence, or the many other contributors that can factor into the experience of being a woman.

I'd argue that my rant only touched on a few challenges because addressing all of them would fill multiple books. There are women who haven't experienced any of what I've talked about, but not many. For most of us, mixed messages are everywhere. Misogyny is everywhere. The reality is that while we've made great progress, we still have a long way to go. Women face particular challenges in relation to confidence due to the influence of patriarchy, socialization, gender-based expectations, and many, many other factors. We've been taught a number of self-limiting lies about ourselves, our value, and our abilities. And those lies frequently hold us back from

becoming the people we truly want to be. The system is working against us. It negatively impacts men as well. But what we're working against was not created by or for us in the first place, even if many of us collectively bought into it and continue to reinforce it. In this chapter, I'm going to focus on evidence of how the confidence con plays out in our everyday lives and how we can approach the knowledge we have about it with a fresh insight. The confidence gap between the sexes. The example given in my rant is pseudo-fictional, but echoes an all-too-common experience backed up by countless real-world statistics. A 2003 Cornell University study, which founded the renowned Dunning-Kruger effect, showed men tend to substantially

overestimate their abilities and performance, while women underestimate both, even when their actual performance at work doesn't differ in quality or quantity. In another well-known study, Hewlett-Packard found that male employees were likely to apply for promotions when they felt they met 60% of the qualifications listed, while its female employees were likely to apply only when they believed they met 100% of the job qualifications. While women's confidence increases with age, as I mentioned at the beginning of this chapter, the data begs the question, how many opportunities are women missing out on due to lack of confidence during the first three to four decades of their careers. There are people who might posit that the confidence gap is a result of women being

less educated or qualified for their careers as a whole, but further stats prove otherwise. The National Center for Education Statistics reports that women have outnumbered men on college campuses since 1988. They've earned more bachelor's, master's, and doctoral degrees than men since then. Women also have an immense influence on the economy as they direct 83% of all consumption in the U.S. through both buying power and influence and are the principal shoppers in 72% of households, according to a 2019 report by Morgan Stanley. You would think women would recognize our personal and professional power, yet we still show up as less confident than men in the professional world.

And I have no beef with masculinity. Frankly, I have a lot of masculine qualities. And because of that, I found it a little easier than most to navigate many professional environments. I recognize from personal experience the privilege my traditionally masculine qualities afford. My beef is that most work environments have over-rotated toward valuing the masculine so much that feminine qualities like empathy, listening, and collaboration are often missing from company cultures. This imbalance leads to retention, development, and leadership issues, among others. Do I believe in hard work, being decisive and ambitious, taking risks and being independent? You bet your ass I do. But I don't believe only in those things. Our obsession with

grit, grind, success at all costs, the lone wolf mentality and demonstrating power over others has a cost. That cost is that we undervalue and underutilize traditionally feminine skills in everyone. I advocate for authenticity, acceptance, and celebration of all people's strengths, regardless of the package they come in. It's not just women who are feeling the pressure to perform, emphasize their masculine traits, and downplay their feminine ones. Men feel this pressure too. They limit, quote, unquote, soft emotions and lean hard into the qualities that will help them be accepted within company cultures and feel pressure to prioritize professional success over everything else. They disconnect with many of the amazing

feminine qualities in others, but also within themselves. The takeaway here is that anytime you become separated from any part of your authentic self, you lose trust. Women and imposter syndrome. While I don't consider myself an expert and imposter syndrome. While I don't consider myself an expert on imposter syndrome, it's a subject I've been asked to cover at oh so many speaking engagements. It's a real problem for a significant number of people, and chances are you felt it at some point too. In 2011, the Journal of Behavioral Science published a study that estimated 70% of the population, male and female, had wrestled with this problem before, but that it impacted women

and people of color at the highest rate because we're underrepresented in leadership positions. We're short on mentors, role models, and bosses that we'll be able to closely relate to. This shortage creates isolation and the feeling that we don't belong, which acts as a barrier that has us questioning whether or not we can trust ourselves. Through my coaching work, I've noticed that, as is the case with the word confidence, people have a tendency to both overuse and misuse imposter syndrome. We throw it out there anytime we're feeling anxious or nervous, having doubts or feeling bad at work. The reality is that those feelings are normal to experience in some contexts, especially

when we're trying something for the first time. We should expect to feel butterflies and have questions and doubts when we're learning new things. This doesn't signify imposter syndrome. Imposter syndrome, according to the experts I've spoken with on the subject, is when we regularly internalize our mistakes and externalize our successes. If something goes wrong, we say things like, I messed up. I'm a bad communicator. I suck. I'm a horrible leader. I dropped the ball. We think we are the problem. If something goes right, however, we say things like, I got lucky. It was good timing, my team are the real heroes, or I just know the right people, or even I'm blessed. In these cases, we credit outside

forces for our successes and never acknowledge our achievements as our own. If this sounds like your MO and if you consistently doubt your abilities despite all the evidence to the contrary, imposter syndrome may be at play. When it comes to defining imposter syndrome, the fear of being found out is also in the mix. We worry we'll be discovered and exposed as a fraud like I used to before I discovered the real meaning of confidence. I can't do this. I'm in over my head and somebody's going to notice. This worry usually relates to our job or a role we're working to fulfill, but it can play out at home as well. Women striving to be the perfect mother or spouse can suffer equally from worries that they don't know what they're doing and will be called

out for it someday. Make a mistake? I'm a horrible mom. Do something well? Oh, well, they got that from their dad. Our culture often puts the onus of imposter syndrome on the person suffering from the condition. While I believe we're all responsible for our own thoughts and feelings, I know that our environment does contribute to this issue. A sense of belonging fosters confidence while feeling that we don't belong can harm it. When we're stuck in a toxic situation like a boys club environment, one where new team members are shamed for their lack of experience, or one where employees' sales numbers are written out for all to see, we feel additional pressure to measure up that we might not feel otherwise. And sometimes we really are just surrounded by jerks, regardless

of gender. Think about it like this. We can approach new endeavors with confidence in ourselves, even if we don't yet have confidence in our current level of ability. If I start a new job or take on a new role, of course I'll be nervous that I don't know everything I need to to excel. And I don't know for sure that I'll be great at it. However, I can trust that I'll figure it out as I go and that

I'll be okay no matter what. It would help us all to keep in mind that even the most experienced and successful people have doubts, fears, failures, and missteps. Women across the world are experiencing imposter syndrome in their personal and professional lives, regardless of position, status, income, or success. The solution is to develop lasting confidence that comes from within so that in all experiences, good or bad, we can acknowledge our role and trust in ourselves to bring our unique strengths, abilities, and talents to the table. Competence versus confidence. Nobody questions whether my husband is a good spouse or father, and he absolutely is, despite the fact that he works full-time just like I do. People are frequently enamored by how engaged he is as a dad. It's so nice he

shares pick up and drop off at school, but no one has ever been enamored by how engaged I am as a mom. If anything, people may question whether I'm doing enough and possibly whether I'm forcing my husband to pick up the slack. She's so driven. It's so sweet how much he supports her. Because women are judged across a wider scope, we encounter more areas in our life where our ability to build confidence is hindered and impeded. Plenty of stats back this up. The University of Kent published a 2019 study that showed that men are judged at work by their leadership potential, while women are judged on their past performance. We're not given the benefit of the doubt like they are, and we feel we have to go the extra mile to prove ourselves. We also tend to feel like our mistakes carry more weight than they do.

And unfortunately, the data shows it's true more often than not. No wonder we constantly doubt ourselves and think something is wrong with us. As women, our solution to this problem has been to over-rotate on competence. We think we need to get all the degrees and designations, become experts in our fields as quickly as possible, and have all the answers in every situation. We think if we're totally competent at what we do, then we'll finally feel confident and get the recognition, compensation, and respect we deserve. I wish that worked. Unlike the chicken or the egg, there's no question which skill comes first. Competence is built over time, meaning you can't be competent at anything when

you first start. Confidence, however, you can have anytime you want, so it comes first. Competence can increase our confidence and will build over time as we hone our skills and become better at whatever it is we're trying to do. But waiting to be confident until we feel competent is creating far too many barriers for women. This over-rotation on competence is standing in our way. Of course, it's important to get educated, increase knowledge, and improve the work we do over time. But obsessively zeroing in on it limits us from seeing the bigger picture. We need to be able to take risks, try new things, and make changes without feeling scared that we won't perform perfectly. Conversely, men tend to over-rotate on confidence, applying for jobs they're not fully qualified for,

and overestimating their performance and abilities at work. They lead with confidence and therefore are more willing to take leaps of faith. Men and women have a lot to learn from each other in this area. The answer to this over-rotation on either side is not to lean all the way into confidence or all the way into competence exclusively, but to begin with confidence while on the road to competence, and to eventually balance both. This is crucial if women are ever going to see equal representation in leadership positions because research shows that when given a choice, people will follow the most confident person in the room.

This is true when their competence is equal to that of others present and when it's unequal. Said another way, if one person is more confident than the other, people will follow him even if he's the less competent one. This may seem ridiculous because it is ridiculous and it makes me crazy, but it's also our current reality. But if you had to follow someone, wouldn't you trust the person who trusts themselves? If you were lost in the woods, for example, with a friend who was positive they knew the way home and a former ranger who didn't quite know which way to head, you'd follow your friend, right? Anything to make it back to civilization. If men and women learn from each other and cut back on these over-rotations surrounding the competence divide, I believe we'd all be in much better shape. We'd have more qualified leaders, better communication skills, and greater representation

for women in various spheres. If you're reading this and suspect you currently lean into competence too hard, know that choosing confidence is the road to balance. It's okay to be angry. We've earned it. The reason you probably don't have the confidence you could as a woman is because you were never set up to win.

The limitations we were raised with combined with everything else discussed in this chapter are real and often infuriating. If you have strong emotions about the oppression women experience, you're not alone. It makes perfect sense to be upset about the system we were born into. Unfortunately, women are judged more harshly than men for expressing anger and the other, quote unquote, hard emotions in our day-to-day lives. This harsher judgment tends to fracture our confidence even further, but it doesn't have

to. In the next chapter, we're going to talk all about anger and the other tough emotions we have to navigate on a regular basis, if not daily, and how they relate to the work of building confidence. Okay, friends, that's the end of chapter two. So here are my questions. How much or how little did my ranty description of what it might look and feel like to be a girl growing into a woman resonate with you? How does race, religion, sexual orientation, socioeconomic

status, violence against women, and other contributing factors to a woman's experience impact her confidence? And make sure you're clear on at least some ideas of what you might do, who you might be with more confidence, and put them down on paper on page four of the workbook. Again, you can download that by clicking the link in show notes, or you can find it on my Instagram stories at Nicole M. Kalil. And I'll leave you with this. Confidence is when you trust yourself firmly and boldly. Validation? Well that's for parking.