This Is Woman's Work with Nicole Kalil - VI4P - Know Who You Are (Chapter 4)

Episode Date: January 1, 2024

To get your FREE Confidence Building workbook, click here. In this episode, we’re covering topics related to pages 6 - 8 for those of you doing the work to build YOUR confidence!  Every Monday for the next several weeks (as long as it takes to get through Validation Is For Parking: How Women Can Beat The Confidence Con), I’m going to bring a chapter of the book to life!  This week we work our way through Chapter 4 (and pages 6 - 8 of the workbook) where we explore the opportunity to Know Yourself on a deep and intimate level. Here’s what you can expect: You get re-introduced to YOUR inner knowing We explore ways to reconnect with yourself because most of us have spent so much time being others-focused that we’ve forgotten who we are! I walk you through one of my favorite exercises to build both self-awareness and self-appreciation.  Click here to download the “Things I Know To Be True About Me” template. If you’re looking for a step-by-step guide for building your list, you can listen to this episode of This Is Woman’s Work (Episode 40) where I create my list with you. If you’re interested in taking the Body Confidence quiz, you can use this link: https://rebrand.ly/nicolekalil  Like what you heard? Please rate and review

I am Nicole Kalil, and on these special weekly episodes, I'm reading a chapter from my book, Validation is for Parking, or VI4P for short, which you'll see in the title so that they're a lot easier for you to find. It's kind of like an audio book, but leveraging the podcasting platform to get the message of confidence out into the world so that you know what confidence is, what it isn't, and how you actually build it. Big hint, it's probably not what you think it is, and you've likely received much more advice about how to look confident than you have about how to become it. Today, we dive into part two of the book, which focuses on reawakening confidence,

because I believe confidence lies within you. So if you're not feeling particularly confident, or it's been a long time since you've connected to your confidence, your opportunity is not to find it or fake it, but to reawaken it. And the best way to do that is to be deeply and intimately connected with your purpose, your strength, superpowers, unique abilities, and gifts, inner knowing, and so much more, which we will cover in chapter four. Know who you are. For those of you digging deep and using the workbook companion, this chapter coincides with pages six through eight of that workbook, which you can download for free using the link in show notes. This, by the way, is my personal favorite chapter of the book, and I wrote it in one sitting with very little editing.

It seems like it would be the easy part of confidence building, right? Knowing who you are. But I've worked with enough women to know that we've become so others-focused, so distracted by our never-ending to-do list, so caught up in people-pleasing and being everything for everyone that we've become utterly disconnected from ourselves. Add in the confusion about confidence being somehow connected to how we look, and we have a pretty big problem. And while confidence has nothing to do with our physical appearance, did you know that only 20% of women are satisfied with their bodies? Not happy with, not grateful for, not proud of, just satisfied.

And 80% of women aren't even that. If you're interested in digging into body confidence a little bit more, there's a quiz link in show notes. Okay, we kick off chapter four with a quote from Lao Tzu that says, at the center of your being, you have the answer. You know who you are and you know what you want. If you've read this far, you know that the reasons women struggle with confidence are legitimate. Women weren't born with less of it than men. Women are not the weaker sex. How anyone can understand childbirth and still believe that is so beyond me. And don't even get me started on when men are

sick. I'm inserting my eye roll here. We aren't hindered by some universal feminine flaw. Most of us were raised to be nice, to be polite, to take care of others, which in many cases actually separated us from our true, real feelings, possibly even our purpose and probably our authenticity. How could we not arrive at adulthood and feel confused by the throngs of experts telling us confidence is the key to our success? How are we suddenly supposed to attain that when we've been conditioned to respond and behave differently pretty much our whole lives. When I was at my lowest points and lacking any real confidence, I felt completely disconnected from my true self. Trying to derive my confidence from external validation had me so confused about my values and who I was in my soul that even I didn't know anymore. I've noticed in

coaching other women on confidence building that a lot of us share in this struggle, even though most of us believe we're the only ones who feel this way. I look back on that now and it's clear to me how skewed my perception was and how messed up the cultures we live in are. This is especially obvious when I think about the hatred I used to have for my own body. When I close my eyes now and tune into myself and ask, what purpose does my body serve? The voice that answers has a completely different take than what I'd always been told. My body is my vessel, a home, a temple in this life. And the way it looks is completely separate from its purpose. My priorities for my body are health, longevity, and strength.

What I should be thinking about is whether it's nourished and honored, not starved and hated. We're exposed to so much commentary, so many opinions and so many voices throughout the course of our lives that it becomes challenging to hear and listen to our internal voice above all the others. Making a habit of listening to that voice inside of me, which I call my inner knowing, was one of the most important changes I made on the road to building true confidence. This is, I believe, key if we're going to accomplish the first part of what it means

to be confident, knowing who you are. In this chapter, we're going to talk about that inner knowing and how to hear it and use a specific exercise I've developed that you can use to reconnect with who you truly are. In the final part of this book, we'll get into the how of confidence building, but this part is more about the where. Where does confidence come from? The answer is easy, inside of you. We've already discussed that the messages we all receive lead to false ideas and overall misconceptions about confidence because your confidence is unique to you. It will look and feel differently than my confidence or anyone else's.

When you begin to listen to and connect with yourself again, you begin the process of rebuilding trust, which leads to real and lasting confidence. Again, it all starts with and inside of you. What is inner knowing? Your inner knowing is what you hear when you get quiet and eliminate all the other noise. It's an instinct you have that you can hear and feel in your body. You notice it when something becomes super clear or obvious to you. It speaks from the core of your authentic self and it will never lie to you about who you are.

Some people might call it your gut instinct or insight or possibly even a hunch. Others refer to this internal voice as the higher self or the universal consciousness or interpret it as God speaking to them from within. I do not care what you call it. I only care that you listen to it. Have you ever just deeply known what's right for you? However you want to conceptualize it, your inner knowing is the essence of your ingrained human wisdom. You'll never be able to connect to your confidence if you're constantly questioning that voice and trying to shut it down or overwrite it. Why? Because if you don't listen to and trust yourself, you've put your confidence in the hands of someone or something else. Reconnecting with

that source of knowing and building a relationship with it will serve as an unshakable guide for all that you do. You'll know you're hearing it if what it says feels right and makes sense, not necessarily in a logical way, but deep in your gut. Now, it may have been a while since you've heard or listened to your inner knowing. You might, in fact, be filled with and surrounded by voices that are saying things that are diametrically opposed to it. If that's the case for you, don't panic. Your inner knowing hasn't gone anywhere, even if you feel like you can't currently hear or feel it. Whether it's buried deep inside you or simmering just below the surface, it still lives as you live and you'll always have access to it. Sometimes it just takes a bit of focus and a little faith to reconnect.

It's important to note that your inner knowing isn't every voice you hear in your mind. If you're anything like me, most of your mind's ongoing conversation consists of either A, utter nonsense, things like, are gorgonzola and blue cheese even the same thing? Or B, a running task list, things like, I got to swing by the bank, drop off the dry cleaning, pick up dinner, and don't forget the gorgonzola. Or C, limiting self-destructive beliefs that I call head trash. This might sound like if I keep eating so much cheese, I'm going to gain 20 pounds and nobody will ever love me. And we're going to talk a lot more about head trash in detail in chapter seven. So for now, you've got to be able to distinguish one voice from the

other if you're going to create the opportunity to hear your inner knowing clearly. Our inner knowing speaks from a quiet, calm, connected space rooted in love, compassion, and knowledge. Head trash, on the other hand, is mean and frenetic. It tells us we can't accomplish our goals and that we are not enough just as we are. It tears us down with lies rather than builds us up with truths. A good test for when you're unsure of which voice it is that's speaking head trash or your inner knowing is to ask yourself, would I talk this way to someone I love like my spouse, best friend, or child? If the answer is no, it's not your inner knowing and you should stop saying it to yourself. Reconnecting with yourself. In coaching as well as in therapy, the best of the

best will not tell you what to do. They ask questions to help you uncover and reveal your answers because they operate under the assumption that what you need already exists inside of you. The problem isn't that your inner knowing isn't there. It's that you, like most people, have become disconnected from it. Many of us find ourselves defining who we are based on the opinions, feedback, and beliefs of others because we've forgotten, or we're never told in the first place, that we are the only deciders of who we are and the purpose we serve. Now, you might be thinking, hold on, God has a plan for me, so he is the decider. If you're religious, I can see where you're coming from, but let's agree that God lives within you, within all of us.

Even if you believe it's God that's speaking and deciding, the voice would be internal. I'm not particularly religious, but I have read the Bible cover to cover and that's my interpretation of it. But again, you are the decider for you. What I believe is that we didn't enter this world disconnected from ourselves. Babies aren't confused about their purpose. They aren't

constantly second guessing themselves. They communicate their needs and their desires without hesitations or apology. The question in my mind is how do we find our way back to that place? There are many ways we can reconnect with our true selves, some of which you've probably already heard of or experienced personally, like journaling, meditation, practicing gratitude, spending time in nature, creating, praying, or deep breathing. My personal favorite, however, is an activity I've developed and used in my coaching sessions called the things I know to be true about me at this point in my life. Yes, I'm aware that's an obnoxiously long title for an exercise, but each word is important here. By identifying what we know to be true about ourselves, what we believe and trust, we can

create an internal framework to live authentically. If, for example, you've grown up being told that good women are quiet and submissive, but you value direct communication and contributing your input is super important to you, how do you reconcile those two ways of being? Through this activity, you'll be able to hear the opinions, feedback, and external messages of others and begin to run it through the filter of does this ring true for me? For instance, if someone said some bullshit to me like a woman's place is in the home, I'd instantly run it through my things I know to be true about me filter and think,

well, that doesn't resonate with me at all. That isn't true for me. That is not who I am. And I'd let it go after a snarky comment perhaps and move on with confidence, trusting myself rather than spending another second entertaining the nonsense. In this way, I've saved myself hours, days, and even weeks of precious time that I used to waste on overthinking and taking everything far too personally. The second part of this activity's title that at this point in my life portion is equally important. We are growing, learning, and constantly evolving beings. How we see ourselves will progress in response to our experiences, successes, and even our failures. What you know to be true about yourself will grow

and evolve right along with you, and that's as it should be. You'll learn new things about you. Keeps it kind of interesting, right? Okay. So you're probably asking, how do I do this? There are five steps to creating your own things I know to be true about me at this point in my life list. And if you'd like a pretty template to write or type on, you can download one for free on my website at nicolekalil.com. And we've also provided it in show notes. But step one is where you start making a list of all the things you know to be true about you at this point in your life. That first step in making your list is to create some time when you can be alone, ideally with no or minimal distractions. 30 minutes will work, but an hour is even better. You could even take a full day and

make it a self-care retreat. I would give you a standing O for that. Bring a notebook or some paper and a pen, open a notes app on your phone or type your list into Word on your computer or download that free template from my website if that helps you. Whatever works for you is fine. Don't overthink it. Take five deep breaths. Do anything that grounds you. For example, you might close your eyes or plant your feet firmly on the ground. Open your arms and say a prayer or a mantra or affirmation. Ask yourself out loud if you're brave, what do I know about me? Write down anything that comes to your mind without evaluating, questioning, or judging it. Nobody needs to see this list and you'll have the opportunity to edit it later. This is not

the time to reflect on your thoughts. This is just the time to be open to what you receive. Now, your brain might go, oh no, not that. Or, eh, you're only that some of the time. Or, so-and-so is so much more that than you are. This is not the voice you want to be listening to. If that voice shows up, calmly acknowledge it and set it aside. Maybe even say, hello, head trash. I know I listen to you a lot, but not today. And then take a few more deep breaths and refocus on the amazing things you know to be true about yourself, things you can count on, things you like and appreciate about yourself, your superpowers. Write them all down. Here are a few questions to help you get the gears turning if coming up

with a good list of things you know to be true about you feels a little challenging. What do I like about myself? What can I count on about myself? What do others trust about me? What seems to come to me more naturally than others? What gives me energy? What do I feel passionate about? What do I do well or with ease? What positive feedback am I consistently given that rings true for me? If I had a superpower, what would it be? What makes me different? What draws people to me? What are my gifts and talents? I've done this exercise enough times with enough women to tell you that the average number of things people put on their

list is six. Now, there's no right or wrong number. You could end up with one powerful, amazing thing that covers you completely, and that would be great. But in my experience, women don't come up with more things for their list because they literally can't think of any more great things about themselves. This is because we're completely out of practice. We don't want to come across as arrogant, even to ourselves, and we've been conditioned to focus more on others. Don't believe me? I've asked women to create a list for the people they love most in their life, like

their partner, child, or parent. And the average number on those lists? 32. In 20 minutes. So indulge me here. You are a complex and valuable being. How do I know that? Because you're here. You are a complex and valuable being. How do I know that? Because you're here. As the Bible says, you were fearfully and wonderfully made with great reverence, heartfelt interest,

and respect. There has never been another you in history, and there will never be another you ever again. You've lived years, experienced highs and lows, victories and heartbreaks, love and pain, and you are here. So don't you dare tell me there isn't more to you than the small handful of things that you wrote down. I'm not buying it and you shouldn't either. I'm going to challenge you to keep asking yourself the questions and trying to get somewhere between 30 and 50 items on your list.

This, by the way, is much easier to do when you don't judge, overthink, or question everything that pops into your mind. Of course, there are a ton of other questions you can ask yourself, but what I listed above is hopefully a good starting point. If you're anything like me, examples help. I'm not good with blank slate creation. I'm much more of a color by numbers artist. So to give you a sense of what a things I know to be true about me list might look like, here are a handful of statements from my own list. I love my people. Full stop, no negotiations.

I'm loyal. I say what I mean and I mean what I say. I'm honest. I'm a logical thinker and can use that to recover quickly during tough times. I'm a good decision maker. I impact others positively and I'm willing to get uncomfortable for their benefit. I trust my gut. My instincts are worth listening to. I see things, problem solve, and find solutions quickly. I live, love, and speak authentically. Okay, so those are some examples from a much bigger list. You may have some or none in common

with me, but whatever you write down, make sure they all ring true for you. This is an opportunity to practice listening to that inner knowing instead of all the voices of everyone else. One other point to make here. If you believe something about your physical appearance is a strength of yours, feel free to add it to your list. However, I'd encourage you to consider if this is something you know to be true about yourself versus something based on other people's opinions. I'm pretty or I'm sexy can go on your list if you feel pretty or sexy and if those things are important to you regardless of what anyone else thinks.

I'd also invite you to dig a little deeper. I have powerful thighs. I take great care of my body. I'm strong, I'm healthy. I feel pride or pleasure when I look at myself. These might be more powerful ways to say what you know to be true about you. Clearly, I have a bias here, but if you include physical traits, I'd ask you to consider what you value about them.

Okay, once you've got your own list to work with, I want you to go back through it and be on the lookout for any disclaimers, justifications, or wording that got your own list to work with, I want you to go back through it and be on the lookout for any disclaimers, justifications, or wording that you may be using to soften or discount any of those things you know to be true about you. I've learned in my work that we have a hard time writing, saying, or believing exclusively good things about ourselves. Most of us have been taught it's unattractive or unladylike to boast or brag as if we're in danger of our egos taking over. So we have a tendency to minimize our awesomeness even when nobody's asking us to. For example, I told you I'm a good decision maker.

When that idea popped into my head, my brain said, I'm a good decision maker most of the time. But I went back and crossed out that most of the time at a later point. None of us are anything 100% of the time. This is not about perfectionism. You might write something down like, I love to read, but I don't do it enough. Chuck that last part into the trash. You might write, I'm pretty smart. Cross out the pretty. You're just smart, and that's okay to own it. Your brain might think, well, yeah, I'm smart, but I'm not as smart as so and so. This isn't about comparing yourself to others. You can still be smart without being the smartest person in the world. If you find yourself including qualifiers as you make your list, set them aside, and let your

statements stand on their own. Make sure it reads from a confident place. Hint, qualifiers can often be hard to see on our own list. So if you do this activity with a trusted friend or loved one, they'll probably be better able to see when it is that you're doing this. Step two, grow your list. As a next step in this exercise, you're going to grow your list. One way to do so is to ask for feedback from people who both know you and love you, or at the very least respect or appreciate you. What do they

know to be true about you? Asking them is a great way to add things to your list that you might not be able or willing to see about yourself. On top of that, the people who know and love you are unlikely to saddle you with all those disclaimers we put on ourselves. Here are some great questions to ask, but feel free to do this in whatever way works for you. If you had to choose my best three or four qualities, what would they be? What do you feel like you can always count on me for? What are my strengths or superpowers? If you could learn anything from me, what would it be?

If I were interviewing for a job, what are the things that would make me most hireable? Why do you trust me? What are your favorite things about me? What makes me different? Pro tip on this, consider emailing or texting these questions so people have some time to think and respond. That way, neither they nor you will have to feel awkward or put on the spot. Or send the questions in advance and then find a time to discuss. Also, the only thing you should be saying

in response are questions like, can you give me an example of that? Or statements like, thank you. Do not try to argue with others about your badassery. Yes, it may feel uncomfortable and there may be tears. Embrace it and let it all in. If you want to give back to your loved ones, answer some of those questions for them too so they can also feel like a rock star. Once you have their answers, you can go through and decide whether or not you want to add each one to your list. If, for example, you don't consider yourself a particularly funny person, but all of your friends are telling you that you're funny.

It probably belongs on your list with your own answers. You get to acknowledge that about yourself for the first time. On the other hand, if you get an answer that doesn't resonate with you, you can take interest in the fact that someone thinks that about you, but you do not have to internalize it. Other people's opinions are not the point here. This is about your understanding of what you know about yourself. You're the decider, no one else. Step three, review previous versions. You can skip this step if this is your first time doing anything like this. After you've built a list you feel good about, pull out any previous versions you've written in the past and compare them with what you have now.

Is there anything you missed? Anything you wrote in the past that you forgot about and should be included in the current version? Also notice, has anything evolved? Are there any new things you know to be true about you now that you've experienced and learned more? This is a great time to acknowledge how you're growing. Step four, read and reflect on the awesomeness that is you. Now it's time to reread your list all the way through and reflect. How do you feel about this person you're reading about? Does your brain start

listing all the things that you're not? Does it start to cycle through the yeah buts? Do you automatically start thinking of all of your faults? If so, know that none of the things you are can be changed by the things you're not. None of your faults change anything on your list. It's who you are. What would happen if you showed up in your life as this person consistently? What would be possible in your life if you operated fully as this person? What would be different? What would be better? As you reflect, you'll be able to identify areas in your life where you may not be showing up as this person.

You can ask yourself why in that relationship or in this specific situation, you're not showing up as your true confident self. Is it time to make some changes? Beyond all of that, this list becomes something you can read every morning before you start your day. So you're walking out the door or into your home office

filled up with things you know to be true about you. Read and reflect as needed. Step five, apply, use, practice, and update. Finally, step five is to apply, use, and practice all the things on your list in your daily life. You might tape it to your mirror and read it every morning. Maybe you bring it out and read it before a big meeting or an important conversation. It can be a great resource when you have big, important decisions to make or during a big life transition. For example, if you're thinking about applying for a promotion or leaving your job, read your list.

Getting married or divorced, read your list. Getting married or divorced, read your list. Having or adopting a child or having your youngest leave for college, read your list. Trying to determine whether someone or something is healthy for you, read your list. You get the idea. Your list won't do you much good if it gets lost in a file somewhere. How can you leverage it and make the most of the information you've gathered? You might even give your list to a friend or family member when you're having a tough day or feeling disconnected from yourself. They can pull it out and read it to you. This activity is simply a tool, so use it when and how you feel it will benefit you most.

Like you, your list is a living and growing thing, so make sure it evolves as you do. I typically recreate my list once a year on my birthday. I also set aside time to do this to build my confidence at major milestones or during periods of transition where I need clarity to make a decision or courage to take a bold risk. You might recreate your list when you've landed a new job or entered into a new relationship, moved to another city, or any time you feel you're on shakier ground than usual. It's a concrete way to see your qualities listed on a page and think, yep, that's who I am. And so you know what you can count on and who you can trust. You, by the way, the answer is you. There are so many ways you might incorporate this into your life. So how

are you going to use all the things you know to be true about yourself? Bonus step. Allow me to reintroduce myself. Put those big girl pants on and tell someone who you are. Not what you do for a living, boring, or the many roles you play, exhausting, but your superpowers, your gifts, and your talents. In short, what makes you, you, which is wildly interesting and compelling. And if somebody doesn't like it, not your people. We don't know what challenges we'll encounter in the future, but our trust for ourselves and the things we can count on are within our control and can get us through the tough times with a healthy mindset. We all have

fears and doubts. That's inevitable. Having something uplifting to fall back on in those moments allows us to be resilient and rise to the next challenges that come our way. This in turn reinforces our confidence with the knowledge that we've conquered seemingly impossible obstacles in the past and we can do it again. Evolving toward an ever more confident self. Your trust, your inner knowing is there inside you, I promise. Regardless of where you are, you have the opportunity to listen and to choose. You can separate the two tracks playing inside of you, your authentic self versus everything else. This is your greatest ally and most important lifelong relationship. Although confidence is my personal obsession, I still have work to do to stay in touch with

my inner knowing. I still doubt myself and have conflicting ideas of what it means to be a successful woman in this world, but I can also look back and see how far I've come. The version of me in my 20s didn't have any kind of relationship with her authentic self. I don't know what my inner knowing was saying at that point because I wasn't listening. The ironic thing is that the period in my life where I may have looked the best in the eyes of others is when I felt the worst. Today, I'm the most confident I've ever been and couldn't give a shit about fitting into size four pants. So start listening for your inner knowing as you work your way through the chapters that follow. As we go through them, pay attention to the words that resonate

with you most and allow them to be your guiding star through your confidence building journey. Keep and use what feels right for you and feel free to set the rest aside. There you have it. That closes out chapter four of Validation is for Parking. And there are so many questions in this chapter, all included on pages six through eight of the free workbook. So I think the next best action step is for you to block out 30 minutes at a minimum or as self-care day or inner knowing retreat. I don't

care what you call it. Ideally in the next week so that you can start the process of creating your things I know to be true about me at this point in my life list. More importantly, so you can begin the practice of listening to and celebrating yourself again. I'll see you on Wednesday for another episode of This Is Woman's Work. So let me leave you with this. Confidence is when you trust yourself firmly and boldly. Confidence is when you know who you are. Validation, well, that's for parking.