This Is Woman's Work with Nicole Kalil - VI4P - Seeking Confidence Externally and Building It Internally (Chapter 10)

Episode Date: February 12, 2024

Click here to get your FREE Confidence Building Workbook or visit nicolekalil.com  Every Monday I’m bringing a chapter of Validation Is For Parking: How Women Can Beat The Confidence Con) to life!�� This week we cover the final chapter, Chapter 10, which is all about the confidence con of Seeking Confidence Externally (pages 26 & 27 in the workbook), and all the ways we can begin to Build it Internally (page 36 in the workbook). Here’s what you can expect: The confidence con gets exposed for the bullshit that it is I share the “false equation” many of us are using to build confidence, and the equation that actually works We go thru 10 tips for building internal confidence that work and are sustainable  Congratulations!! If you’ve been listening to all our VI4P episodes you just finished a book! I’d greatly appreciate if you’d write a book review (or just click the 5 stars if you’re short on time): To leave a review on Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/62689458-validation-is-for-parking To leave a review on Amazon: https://geni.us/ValidationIsForParking  Like what you heard? Please rate and review

I am Nicole Kalil, and we've reached the final chapter of Validation is for Parking. example of what a recovery plan might look like, I have mine included within my guide to designing your recovery plan, which you can find at NicoleKhalil.com. And it's also included in our free workbook on pages 37 through 40. And for those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, I've been releasing a chapter of my book, Validation is for Parking, How Women Can Beat the Confidence Con, each week in hopes that it supports you connect with and grow your confidence. Each of the chapters serves as a standalone topic that you can listen to whenever you'd like or depending on what feels most relevant to you. And of course, you're always welcome to go back and start from the beginning. Each of these episodes start with VI4P in the title so you can easily find and listen

to them. So we've reached the final chapter, which covers what I call the confidence con and is the subtitle for my book. Yes, it's a play on words, but it's also meant to highlight most of what we hear about confidence isn't talking about confidence at all. Because confidence is when you trust yourself firmly and boldly. It's built internally and nobody can give it to you and nobody can take it away. It's when you know who you are, you own who you're not, and you choose to embrace all of it. So anything that tells you that you need to buy something, prove something, achieve something,

fix something, be better than everyone else at something, get approval by someone, look a certain way or be perfect at anything is a lie. That's the con because confidence isn't built externally. Maybe you always knew that confidence was about trusting yourself, but I didn't. I didn't know that at all until I started researching the etymology of the word, how it's evolved, how it translates

into different languages, and how it's used in different ways. Yes, I totally geeked out on this. For example, words like confide, which is when you tell someone something and you trust them not to repeat it. Or confidant, which is someone you put trust in, usually a woman. Or con artist, which is a person who tricks or scams someone by first gaining their trust. It always comes back to trust. And chapter 10 is all about this confidence con,

which is all those messages that we've received and all the wasted energy we've spent seeking confidence externally. And the antidote or the truth about how we actually gain confidence is when we focus on building it internally. For more information, digging deeper, questions, prompts, and ideas of how you can test this out in your life, you can find and download the free 40-plus page confidence-building workbook by using the link in show notes.

Today's topic relates to pages 26 and 27 and page 36 in that workbook. All right, we kick off the chapter with a quote that says, if outside validation is your only source of nourishment, you will hunger for the rest of your life. Imagine that someone out in the world is walking around with your confidence, but you don't know who it is.

They've got it in their pocket or hidden in their bag, and life's not-so-fun game is that you need to find them and get them to give it to you. Maybe it's the person you've got a crush on or one of your best friends. Maybe it's the bully who made fun of you or a complete stranger you meet in a bar after work. Maybe it's your boss who has it hidden in their desk drawer

and is waiting to present it to you alongside your promotion. Could it be someone at the gym? Maybe it's your parents and they've been secretly withholding it from you this whole time. Shout out to parents playing the long game, by the way. Maybe your confidence is hiding in a wedding ring box, the glove compartment of a luxury car, or your child's dirty little palm. All you have to do to win the confidence con is figure out who or what has it, like some incessant game of where's Waldo. But once you find it,

you still have to prove yourself worthy. The right clothes, the right car, the right job, the right house, the right marriage, or the right number on the scale. And then they'll hand it over to you so you can finally feel good about yourself. Does that sound like a game you'd want to play? Of course not. It's ridiculous, but so many of us are playing this game and operating as if it's how confidence works. Remember the false equation that I introduced at the beginning of the book? If X happens, then I'll feel confident. We think someone or something else will give it to us, but it has never worked this way and it never will. Trusting yourself is not a, if you go first, I'll do it too proposition.

There isn't anyone or anything to prove yourself to, wait for, or find. True confidence is built internally and involves one person. We've been conned into seeking it from all the wrong sources, especially as women. In this chapter, we're going to cover this topic in a bit more depth and talk about the specific strategies for building real confidence from the inside. The empowering kind that's based on trust isn't conditional and can't be taken away. The kind that's solely in our hands and it's not hiding from us. We've been fed a lot of bullshit. Advertising, television, movies, and the media, especially social media today, play a huge

part in the spread of this false information about confidence. But they only shoulder some of the blame. The patriarchy, religion, gender expectations, cultures, work environments, well-intentioned family and friends, and not so well-intentioned family and friends. Lovers, strangers, influencers, authors, and so on have misrepresented confidence so frequently that one can't help but be confused. In a lot of cases, they lied to you about confidence because they were lied to as well. But at the end of the day, your confidence is yours and you get to decide what's true for you.

One of the many reasons I hate social media is because I can't scroll without coming across an ad, an influencer, or a friend conveying the idea that something will bring women confidence that won't. Another reason I can't stand it is Instagram reels. I'm sorry if you do them and love them, but mostly I just want to cover my eyes before they start to bleed. Anyway, that's a me thing. I've seen confidence building tips that go like this. Work out, lose weight, take this course and make millions, smile more, go get your hair done, achieve this goal, find the person of your dreams,

get engaged and show pictures of your ring, boost your image, dress for success. What most of these things have in common is a particular focus on the need for external validation. This isn't just a social media thing, by the way, but an advertising thing as well. Whole teams tirelessly work behind the scenes at companies to study the psychology of consumers and figure out how to lure us in. If you buy this car, use this product, drink this drink, carry this phone, shop at this store, wear this label, have this body type, it will bring you confidence. It's in the clothes you wear, the makeup you buy, like maybe she's born with it. Well, if it's confidence you're talking about, she's born with it. Well, if it's confidence

you're talking about, then yes. If it's long eyelashes, it's probably indeed Maybelline. So whether it's the makeup you buy or the gym you join, if you do or get those things, you'll get the validation you seek. And then somehow you'll be able to trust yourself more. But they get us with this crap, don't they? Because on the other side of this confidence, and I put confidence in air quotes, that they're asking us to buy is the life of our dreams, right? The person of our dreams, the perfectly behaved kids, our perfect body, the promotion, the higher income, the compliments, the adoration, the feeling that we matter.

92% of people who get cosmetic surgery are female, but is that about trust or is that about societal expectations of how women should look and age? I ask that without judgment as somebody who dyes my hair and spends a crap ton of money on face products. I'm not saying you shouldn't get Botox or buy the mascara or get the cosmetic surgery. By all means, do as you wish. Do what feels right for you. But if you're doing it because you think it will make you feel confident, it won't. A lot of the time, we also absorb the message that if we feel good, attractive, or validated, we're going to feel confident. And let me say again, there's nothing wrong with wanting to feel good or attractive. Validation does feel good. All of

those things are icing on the confidence cake, not the cake itself. For example, if I got dressed up for dinner and my husband said I looked smoking hot, would that make me feel good? Sure it would. Would it make me feel confident though? Absolutely not. I love my husband, but Jay is not walking around with my confidence in his pocket and I'm not waiting for him to give it to me. Feeling attractive is great, but it does nothing to help me trust myself more.

Confidence has no correlation to our culture's obsession with happiness, feeling good all the time, how we look, what people think of us, or how we're supposed to stubbornly try to convince other people that we're awesome. What often ends up happening is we feel like we need validation. And now validation owns us and we don't know who we are without it, which of course was never confidence to begin with. You might be thinking, well, but Nicole, dressing a certain way for a professional event actually makes me feel confident. I'd argue what you really feel is ready, prepared, energized, or even superstitious. Hello, lucky shirt. I also have a routine I go through whenever I speak, and I'm

very conscious of what I wear. I want to send the right message, engage people, and walk on that stage feeling like a million bucks, but that's not the same as trusting myself. I guarantee you I could walk on a stage and deliver a phenomenal presentation in my sweats, probably an even better one than usual because I'd be super comfy. I can be confident and look like a million bucks, but one is not a requirement of the other. I also want to address one category that falls into a gray area for me. We're told consistently that if we do this, it will give us confidence. And in some cases, it's absolutely true.

And in others, it's absolutely not. This gray area is working out. So many people say that working out makes them feel confident. Every exercise guru or program tells you that it will. And every gym considers or uses confidence as a selling point. Does working out actually build confidence? Yes and no. It depends on why and how you're doing it.

If you're doing it to lose weight, to fit into a certain size, or be toned in your bikini so you attract attention and look great in the eyes of others, it's probably not going to help you trust yourself. Said another way, if your primary goal is external, for example, I'm going to post a picture of my rocking body on Instagram, it's probably not confidence that you'll get. You might feel good, you might feel attractive, and I say good for you. But you also might feel like your body is never good enough and that you always have a few more pounds or inches to lose. Or even worse, you could develop body dysmorphia or an eating disorder. But if your goal is health and well-being, if you're working out to feel good, to increase

energy and to take care of yourself, then it absolutely can build confidence. Why? Because you're developing trust in yourself. Trust that you'll take care of, prioritize and value yourself. Trust in your strength, your commitment and your growth. Trust that you can do hard and uncomfortable things and make it out alive and feel proud. Working out builds confidence when you keep your word to yourself, get into action, and show up to do the work. We've all had that experience where you feel like a goddess after one workout, right? Did that one workout actually change anything about you externally? Nope.

What it did was change something internally. It created pride, power, and strength. Those things are absolutely confidence builders. The true equation, the one that actually works is when I'm confident, when I choose confidence, I'll have a higher probability of X, whatever X is. When you're confident and when you trust yourself, you'll be more likely to go after and achieve whatever goal you desire.

When you're confident, you'll take the risks, make the decisions, have the conversations, and chase the dreams. Confidence precedes those things, not the decisions, have the conversations, and chase the dreams. Confidence precedes those things, not the other way around. This goes directly against everything we've been told, and it's important to see the lie for what it is. You're the only person who can choose confidence for yourself. You are the creator, the decider, and the giver of your own confidence. Sometimes people will ask me, is this person confident? My answer, only one person knows for sure, and it's not me. No one else can look and tell what's actually happening inside of you.

Confidence is not built by collecting external evidence of our worth or value. Validation is for parking. It is not required for confidence. It's time to stop believing in that false equation we all bought into without even knowing it. It's time to stop bending over backward in order to prove something. No one you're trying to prove your worth to is carrying your confidence around in their pocket waiting to give it to you, which if you think about it, is pretty awesome news. The antidote to seeking confidence externally is building it internally. There are lots of ways to go about building true confidence internally, but thinking about how one builds trust is most helpful.

How do you build trust in your relationships with others? How do others build trust with you? Think about it, because here we're turning it around on ourselves. And the process of building your own confidence works in much the same way. Do you trust yourself? It may have been a long time since you thought about that, but I'd argue it's one of the most important questions you can ask. Because if you don't trust yourself, who will? There is only ever going to be one person who gets to live your life, and that's you. Given that fact, wouldn't it make sense to love and trust yourself?

And if you love and trust yourself, wouldn't you increase the probability of attracting people into your life that also love, trust, respect, and value you? While we don't need other people to validate us, as human beings, we are wired for connection. We want and need to share our lives, experiences, and gifts with others. Life becomes a lot better and a lot easier if you attract into it good people that you can trust. But the best way to do that is to model it for yourself first. We attract who we are more than we attract what we want. The good news is there are many, many ways to build internal trust. I'm going to list several of my favorites, but this list is not meant to be exhaustive. These are just a few methods I know

of that work and any of us can do them at any time we want. So as we're all looking to build internal trust and therefore unshakable confidence, here are some great places to start or to grow from. Tip number one, keep your commitments. When you ask anyone how someone could earn their trust, they'll answer with some version of they'd have to keep their commitments. They do what they say they will. Their word matters and you can count on them. So a phenomenal way to build internal trust is to keep the commitments we make to others and the ones we make to ourselves. As women, we tend to be better about honoring the commitments we make to others and we put

our internal agreements on the back burner. If it has to do with our family, kids, friends, or our work, we often do what we say we will. But if it's something that impacts only us, we can get pretty loosey-goosey with our word. When you don't follow through on the commitments you make to yourself, you're breaking trust and chipping away at your confidence. An important note here, as a society, we've become hyper obsessed with making commitments. Not everything needs to be a commitment. There are goals, habits, or things we're trying out and testing. Our commitments are the promises we make to ourselves and others, and authentic trust is built when we keep them. So be careful what you

commit to and that you don't overcommit. It's okay to say, this is a goal, or I'll do my best, or I'm going to test this out and see if it works for me. But if you choose to give your word, well then keeping it is going to mean the difference between building trust or losing it. These are the important things that deeply matter and give us the belief that we can count on ourselves. Another point here, this is not about perfection. You are human and you'll let yourself and others down on occasion. Your opportunity here is to give yourself grace, practice forgiveness, learn, grow, and be better the next time. Tip number two, create and communicate boundaries. Another way to build internal confidence is to set and communicate healthy boundaries. I've seen over and over that when people communicate their

boundaries, it actually increases both trust and respect. But I hear from so many women that they have a hard time saying no and worry that it'll negatively impact their relationships. Many of us have been socialized to be people pleasers and martyrs, so we feel like we're never supposed to say no. Every time we say yes to something, however, we are saying no to something else, and it's usually something that matters to us. As an example, you might be asked to something else. And it's usually something that matters to us. As an example, you might be asked to head the PTA or child school, but you know you'd have no time to read the books or do the workouts you've been wanting to do if you did. You might be asked yet again to take on another project at work, but you know if you do, you'll have to trade in hours

you'd spend with your family or friends. In those moments, we have a hard time saying no, often because we feel selfish or we feel like we're disappointing someone. But the reality is you'll either disappoint them or yourself. An even bigger reality is that in saying no, you may gain your own respect and theirs too. Again, your relationship with you is the most important one you'll ever take part in. When you say yes to opportunities and offers you don't actually want, your trust for yourself will crumble. If saying yes automatically is a problem for you, you might practice how to say no or maybe in ways that feel more comfortable.

Plan out what you'll say ahead of time so the next time someone asks, you'll have a prepared response and won't automatically default to, sure, I'll do it. An example could be, I'm so honored that you thought of me. I need to take some time to see if I can commit to this fully. Follow up with me in a week. Or thank you for thinking of me. Unfortunately, I'm at capacity at the moment, or thank you for thinking of me. Unfortunately, I'm at capacity at the moment, but I'd love to introduce you to someone in my network

that would be a great fit for what you're looking for. Having those go-to responses lined up can help us trust ourselves across a spectrum of different situations. Tip number three, practice self-care. Yes, I'm jumping on the self-care bandwagon. However, how self-care is being modeled and encouraged has become a bit of a pet peeve of mine. I'm not talking about getting your hair and nails done or having frequent spa days. If that's self-care to you, great. It's not the entirety of what self-care means though.

And it has an element of privilege that makes it seem like only people with excess time and money can practice self-care. And that's not what I mean. I'm talking about the things that actually fill your cup and bring you energy. And they don't have to be expensive or complicated. Self-care for you might be deep breathing. It might be moving your body, getting outside, or reading a book. For me, it's exercising regularly, even though I hate exercising, reading, and traveling.

It's making sure Jay and I have date nights planned or that I get to meet girlfriends a few times a year. Most of my best friends live across the country, so we need to plan trips. It's making sure I have time in a week just for myself, which is necessary for me as an introvert. What is it for you? What fills your cup and gives you energy? I'd also like to point out the word practice is crucial here because self-care is ongoing

and practice is how we get better at just about anything. Prioritizing and taking care of yourself is a trust building activity. Think about it in your relationships. Don't you trust the people who prioritize and take care of you? And you build trust for yourself every time you do it too, because you're honoring a commitment you made to yourself. Hitting two confidence building tips in one. Tip number four, the three P's. I call my fourth suggestion for building confidence internally the three P's. Prepare, plan, and practice. I pass them on with a word of caution though because they will turn into derailers when taken too far. Being prepared is great, but over-preparing will chip away at your confidence.

Having a plan helps, but over-planning or being overly attached to the plan will become problematic. And for the love of all things holy, practice, but keep in mind that the point of practicing is to do the thing. So make sure you don't get stuck perpetually practicing. In all three cases, the three Ps should lead to action. practicing is to do the thing. So make sure you don't get stuck perpetually practicing.

In all three cases, the three P's should lead to action. The three P's are about education, knowledge, and personal and professional development. They create internal trust that you can then execute on. Nervous to meet with your employer to ask for that promotion or raise? Prepare your talking points, plan for possible questions or objections, and practice what you're going to say. Just remember that in order for it to be a confidence-building activity, you actually need to go and ask for that promotion or raise. Another example that many moms can relate to is having a birthing plan. Pushing a possible seven plus pound tiny human out of an even tinier hole is a scary thing for many women. So we take classes or read books to prepare. We create a plan that will help us navigate the situation the best we can. And we

even practice breathing or do trial runs to get to the hospital in 10 minutes or less. The three Ps help you feel ready, but inevitably you'll have to get into action at some point. I've heard so many stories where the labor and delivery plan didn't go at all according to plan. And it's in that moment you have to choose trust. Trust yourself, your support team, the doctors, whatever feels right to you.

I've learned that the three Ps can be incredible confidence builders, but I'd encourage flexibility and action over everything. Rigidity and wanting to be 100% ready is where the three Ps end up being counterproductive. How can you make the three Ps work for you? Tip number five, be grateful. How can you make the three Ps work for you? Tip number five, be grateful. Gratitude shifts our mindset away from fear, doubt, and worry toward positive, uplifting emotions. It's shown to improve health, help us overcome adversity, strengthen relationships, and reduce

stress. When you practice gratitude, you're choosing to focus your thoughts and build a healthy mindset. When we focus on what we're grateful for, it reinforces the good in our lives, which reminds us that we can trust ourselves and are capable of creating some pretty awesome things. For all those reasons and more, practicing gratitude will build your confidence. Tip number six, speak your truth. This one may seem obvious, but we trust people who are honest more than we trust people who lie. Duh. But honestly, how often in your life are you saying what you mean? Are you honest with the people you live and work with? Or do you tell a lot of, and I put in air quotes, harmless white

lies? This is not me giving you permission to say whatever thought flies into your head, but I am encouraging you to be honest with yourself and others. Lies erode trust, and it's pretty important that you speak your truth. Tip number seven, stand up for yourself. We covered this briefly in chapter three, but it's worth repeating. Don't let anyone make you feel less than. Either speak up for yourself or walk away. What you say is far less important than making the choice to let someone know how they've acted is not okay with you.

I've replayed so many moments saying, I wish I would have said this or done that. But what makes me feel the absolute worst is when I don't say or do anything at all. Think about if someone was talking badly about you to your best friend or to your mom and your loved ones didn't say anything at all in your defense or didn't walk away or refuse to participate, you would lose trust. The same goes for when you don't stand up for yourself or walk away when someone says or does something that's hurtful, inappropriate, or just plain mean. Tip number eight, be your own hype person. Encourage, cheer for, celebrate, and motivate yourself the way you would your best friend. Remind yourself of the things you know to be true about you at this point in your life.

When someone compliments you, say thank you. Don't explain, excuse, or minimize. Better yet, compliment your damn self. Tip number nine, sleep. Sleep is so important to our mental, physical, and emotional health. When we don't get enough sleep, we're basically operating throughout our day like a drunk person and nobody trusts a drunk person. They're not known for their effective decision-making, sound judgment, or wise action. So ladies, get your sleep. Prioritize it like it's your job because it is. And finally, tip number 10, choose your people wisely. You are the CEO, the boss of your own life. Hire, fire, and promote

accordingly because who you surround yourself with matters. Who you allow in your space will impact your trust in yourself. In business, there's a rule of thumb to hire slowly and fire quickly. Every time I've quote unquote fired someone in my life, the only regret has been wishing I would have done it sooner. Your people are a clear reflection of how you see yourself. It's not only okay to build a better circle, it's encouraged. The benefits of building true confidence are endless. When you make a serious effort to do the work of building real confidence, the benefits you'll experience will impact every area of your life, your career, your family, your relationships, and even your hobbies.

You'll enjoy more peace and freedom in your life instead of beating yourself up while seeking external validation. You'll make better decisions. You'll take risks. You'll chase bigger dreams. Building confidence internally is the key we've been searching for all along. The answer was always inside you. It's what makes you feel comfortable in your own skin.

It'll help you move forward, seek out what's good for you according to your inner knowing and walk away from anything or anyone that doesn't serve you. When your confidence is in your pocket or in your own hands, you'll know when and how to leave the things

that are chipping away at it behind. Okay, friend, that concludes our last chapter of Validation is for Parking, How Women Can Beat the Confidence Con. I gave you 10 great tips for building internal trust, but there are so many more than 10. So which one will you focus on next? One from my list or something else? I'll also make a quick note that if you've been listening to all of our VI4P episodes, you've basically read a book. So if you've been listening to all of our VI4P episodes, you've basically read a book. So if you're tracking in Goodreads or someplace like that, or if you have a goal to read a certain amount of books this year, you can check one off your list.

Congratulations. And when you check this book off, if you take the less than 30 seconds to do a book review, I would appreciate it beyond measure. Goodreads or Amazon are the best places for book reviews, but you don't even need to write words. You can just click the stars. Five stars is my favorite and move on with your life and confidence building. You can also access the free confidence building workbook by using the link in show notes anytime.

And lastly, you might be wondering what's next. Well, we're gonna continue on the confidence trend and I'm going to share next week about a few learnings I've had about confidence since I wrote the book. And we're going to do a few episodes on body confidence as well, because I'm committed to exposing the confidence con for what it is, and even more committed to you connecting to your confidence. I want nothing more than for you to trust yourself firmly and boldly. And remember, validation is icing on the confidence cake, but not the cake

itself. It feels good, but it isn't a requirement for confidence. Validation is only a requirement for parking.