This Is Woman's Work with Nicole Kalil - VI4P - What Confidence Is, What It Isn’t, and Why It Matters (Chapter 1)

Episode Date: December 11, 2023

To get your FREE Confidence Building workbook, click here. You will be added to our weekly communication for even more confidence building tips! You can unsubscribe at any time… but we hope you’ll stay with us for the confidence building journey. Every Monday for the next several weeks (as long as it takes to get through Validation Is For Parking: How Women Can Beat The Confidence Con), I’m going to bring a chapter of the book to life!  This week we work our way through Chapter 1 and talk about what confidence is, what it isn’t, and why it matters. Here’s what you can expect: Confidence gets DEFINED (and it’s probably not what you think it is) We debunk the myths and misconceptions about confidence I share some example of where and why YOU being confident will matter - to your life, your work, your relationships, and so much more! Like what you heard? Please rate and review

Welcome to this special episode of This is Woman's Work, where we are doing Validation is for Parking, my book, the audio version. And today we are going into part one, confidence and the female experience, and starting with chapter one, what confidence is, what it isn't, and why it matters. I start with one of my favorite quotes on the topic, and it says, to be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment by Ralph Waldo Emerson. Okay, as you can imagine, I spend a lot of time talking with people, especially women, about confidence. One thing that's become obvious is the word confidence is constantly being used when we

mean something else. It has become a catch-all word we throw around without even realizing we're doing it. I used to confuse confidence with perfection, as I explained earlier. Recently, a woman I was coaching used it as a precursor to motivation. It sort of went like this. If I was more confident, I'd feel more like doing what I'm supposed to be doing. And that doesn't quite fit either. You can be motivated and not confident, motivated and confident, or even unmotivated and confident. There are separate things that can intersect and work alongside each other, but they're not identical. Courage, as another example, is often equated with confidence.

And while one might lead to the other, they work in different ways. Even in the context of all the work I do about what derails confidence and how you build it, I still catch myself using the word incorrectly. And the language we use matters. It informs how we think about our reality and our place within it. So having an ask backwards definition of something as important as confidence is not only confusing, but also massively problematic. We as a global society don't understand what confidence is. Our lack of understanding isn't because we're dumb. It's just because we've been lied to and grown accustomed to the word being misused.

When it comes to the female experience, this misuse is particularly debilitating because we're often expected to show up confidently in so many aspects of our lives, but we're getting mixed messages about how to do so. We're surrounded by examples of confidence that are anything but, and we're often being told that being confident requires us to show up as someone we're not. Good, bad, or indifferent, men have been the deciders of so many of the environments we live and work in. When we, as women, try to fit ourselves into boxes built by systems and structures, patriarchy, I'm looking at you, that were created without our input and weren't designed with us in mind, we become confused about what confidence is and feel separated from our authentic

selves. The same is also true for men who feel they need to act a certain way to be perceived as confident. The bottom line is that our collective confusion about confidence hurts us all, though probably not equally. We need a new definition of confidence that serves every one of us and remains accurate across the board, one that doesn't fall to tatters under scrutiny. In this chapter, I'm going to provide that definition so you can get clear on what true confidence is, what it isn't, and why the distinction matters. Defining confidence. At its core, confidence is about trust. The word itself evolved from the Latin noun confidentia, which means full trust, when it was borrowed by Middle English in the late

16th century. Actually, even break it down here. Con is equated with the word with, and feto is equated with the word trust. So so literally with trust. The definition was expanded in our language to include the feeling or belief that one can rely on someone or something, or a feeling of self-assurance arising from one's appreciation of one's own abilities or qualities. In most other languages, the word confidence translates to or is defined by the word trust, although faith and belief come up a lot too. I won't bore you to tears with a slew of dictionary info, but the etymology of the word is important. We have to frame confidence in a way that's true to the word's origin and provides clarity in terms of how we see ourselves and others. So what's a functional definition that

gives us more insight into how we can build self-trust? Here's the definition of confidence I operate from and will be using for the purposes of this book. Confidence is knowing who you are, owning who you're not, and choosing to embrace all of it. If that still feels too complicated, you can think of it in even simpler terms. Confidence is trusting yourself firmly and boldly. We'll use this as our working definition of confidence, but also as a litmus test for the misinterpreted and misused examples of confidence we've been given by society. Let's start by taking our physical appearance as an example. You can hardly go on any social media platform, see any advertisement, or follow just about any influencer without running into some version of, if you buy this product, fit into

this size, have this shape, lift this, sculpt that, eliminate those wrinkles, dress like this, but not like that, wear this designer label, you get the idea. You'll be more confident. This is one of the most pervasive examples of the word confidence being used when we mean something else entirely. Why? Well, because the people who want to sell you shit know that you want to be confident. If someone could tell me how the actual fuck buying red bottom shoes or getting Botox would help me trust myself more, I might reevaluate. I've bought the labels, dressed the part, been a size four with a C cup bra, and none of those things has built trust in myself. In fact, in some cases, those kinds of choices can actually erode your confidence if you're making them to fill a void or because you ultimately feel bad about

yourself and think that that will fix it. What fits better here is to say, if you buy this, do that, have this, and so on, you'll feel more attractive or many other possible words like desirable, happy, or successful. And there's nothing wrong with wanting to be any of those things, but let's call it what it is. If confidence is about trust, then it begs the question of how we build trust in ourselves. We'll dig into all sorts of tactics later on, but the act of trusting ourselves hinges on knowing and embracing who we are. Part of that trusting involves also knowing on a deep level who and what we're not and embracing that too. To know who we are and who we're not requires profound awareness of and connection to our authentic selves.

What resonates with you? What makes you tick? What are your values and beliefs? How do you perceive and define your identity? What's your purpose in life? What's your value? Who do you want to be in a relationship with? Who or what should you walk toward or away from? All of these kinds of questions come into play here, and the answers belong only to you. I'll refer to my definition a lot over the course of this book, but I'll also encourage you to use trust as your litmus test. Does altering or improving your physical appearance make you trust yourself more? If so, it's a confidence builder. If not, it's something else, which doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing. Do your relationships support you in trusting yourself more? No other person can give you confidence, but they can definitely support you in fostering it.

Or is there a relationship that you're in that has you trusting yourself less? If so, continuing in that relationship will erode your confidence and ultimately be unhealthy. I'm no expert on love, but too many women are in romantic relationships that do more damage to their trust in themselves than build it. Not trusting someone you love is painful and heartbreaking, but not trusting yourself is far worse. You can't break up with or separate from the person in the mirror. As you can see, how the definition of confidence plays out is very personal in nature and will be different for everyone. I don't know the details of your authentic self. I don't know who you are, what you're not, or exactly what it will take for you to embrace it. You living in your confidence may present

very differently from me living in mine. I'm not the decider of anyone else's choices about who or how they trust, but I do know that understanding the real definition of confidence changed the game for me. I had to make the conscious decision to stop defining myself on everyone else's terms and start viewing my relationship with myself as both a priority and an ongoing journey. Not showing up authentically and honoring who I was turned me into a rabid validation junkie. Imagine this being said in a zombie movie, validation. It led me to create the same problems for myself over and over until I hit rock bottom just like any addict would. Know that as you make your way through this journey of coming home to yourself,

you should not have to perform, hide, or cover up who you are. As you get further into shedding the false expectations of confidence that we were all given, you'll also shed the desire or need to fake it. You get to be who you are and you get to trust yourself. No apologies necessary. Debunking confidence. The most important thing to remember while doing this work is that confidence is not an outside-in proposition, but an inside-out one. That's why Validation Junkie is the opposite of our goal. True confidence will never hinge on what other people think of you because when that's your

focus, you're putting all your personal power into someone else's hands. That means it can be taken away from you at any time. Does that sound empowering? Of course not. Other people's opinion has changed more often than technology and chasing after them will have you running in circles rather than feeling grounded, focused, and comfortable in your own skin. Throughout the course of my life, mainstream society's definition of a confident woman has changed so often I can no longer keep track. When I was young, magazines told me confidence looked like being thin, white, and blonde. Then it was about curves and big butts. We can all thank Sir Mix-a-Lot and Jennifer Lopez for that. Then came Beyonce and her alter ego, Sasha Fierce. And I'm not cool

enough to know who the image of confidence is now, probably Taylor Swift, but that person too will be replaced eventually. Who knows what the next picture perfect version of a confident woman will be? Of course, you can look like Beyonce or Taylor Swift or any of them and be confident. Sign me up for that, right? But one does not create the other. If we're to beat the confidence con as women, we have to get past the obsessive focus on our appearance. A lot of us get confused about this and rightly so. So let me be clear. The correlation between confidence and appearance is a complete racket, no matter how much we try to make it true. Another example is we often use the word confidence as a replacement for feeling good.

And it's not the same. And the oversimplification is problematic because trusting yourself isn't contingent on feeling good. In fact, trusting yourself is far more useful when you're feeling bad. But when you equate confidence with only good feelings, you'll end up thinking confidence is missing when you're experiencing any bad feelings. Trusting yourself when everything is going well and you're winning and achieving and checking all the box and you're feeling great, well, that's easy. Trusting yourself during tough times is when the real magic happens. Confidence is also not about arrogance, competitiveness, condescension, ego, or being self-centered. That's a skewed, maybe more masculine version of faux confidence that we've all been sold,

especially in professional environments where we're surrounded by examples of that energy. All genders try to live up to it for social approval, and it's problematic for all of us. Arrogance is created when you compare yourself to others and feel superior. It requires you to feel better than someone else, thereby making them less than. Trusting yourself doesn't require you to compare yourself to others. Confidence is not needing to compare yourself to anyone at all. And yet another example, we also often think that confidence is the same as extroversion. Just because someone has charisma or is high energy or has the gift of gab, being funny or enjoying people does not mean that they're confident. And just because

someone feels uncomfortable in large groups, needs alone time or isn't the life of the party doesn't mean they're less confident. Extroversion and introversion are about where you receive your energy from, and you can be confident or insecure either way. As a side note, I've seen an uptick in instances of people saying things like, well, this is just the way I am. And while that can sound like confidence, it misses the mark when it's used as a defense or an attack on someone else. The other day, one of my connections on social

media posted a public service announcement declaring something to the effect of, I am not changing for anyone, even if my choices make things difficult for my friends and family. And if you don't like it, you can fuck off. This is not an example of confidence, but an over-rotation and a probable sign of underlying insecurities. Nobody thinks that way unless they're feeling afraid, attacked, or defensive. True confidence is often quiet. It's insecurities that are loud. Understanding confidence matters.

Confidence is crucial if we're to achieve success, however we choose to define that. In every sphere of personal development, whether it's related to our career, our love life, our family, our hobbies, our friends, we're encouraged by coaches to be more confident. Its presence or lack thereof impacts every corner of our lives and can be a key differentiator in whether or not we discover and pursue our purpose. When I began repairing my trust with myself, I started making better decisions in every area of my life. Those decisions weren't always easy to make, but they became more obvious when I was connected to my truth.

That change has impacted the dreams I've chased, the conversations I've had, the risks I've taken. It's permeated every aspect of my life. Beyond the role confidence plays in our success, building true confidence just makes life simpler. And who couldn't use a little more of that? Bad things still happen in my life. I still face challenges. People still piss me off kind of regularly. I still get rejected even more

regularly. There will always be mistakes, failures, fears, and doubt, but I'm able to move through those moments in much healthier ways than I used to. I don't internalize them and question everything about myself anymore. I'm not living in fear of being found out for being a fraud. And even more importantly, I no longer am a fraud. As far as I know, we only get one life and it belongs to us first and foremost. We may as well live it as truthfully and confidently as we can because the alternative is stressful, emotionally exhausting, and confusing. Who can be happy living a lie? How can anyone live fully until they've embraced who they really are? It didn't work for me, even though it may have

looked good from the outside. Ask anyone to list the most important aspects of any healthy relationship, and you'd be hard-pressed to find someone who didn't put trust in the top three. Fundamentally speaking, the most important relationship any of us will ever have is the one with ourselves. You can try to mentally and emotionally divorce yourself like I did in my 20s and early 30s, but you can't physically get separated. You can't throw out all your clothes on the lawn and tell yourself to get out. The only option for a fulfilling life is to love yourself unconditionally. As Oscar Wilde once wrote, be yourself. Everyone else is already taken. Seeing the lie. By now, you might be thinking

about confidence differently, realizing it's not what you've been told. The silver lining is that it might be easier to develop than you think. Not easy, but easier. There is no scientific reason I can find that would have us believe women are born with less confidence than men. In fact, it would appear girls and boys have similar levels of confidence until the early years of elementary school. But generally speaking, we go through much of our lives all the way until middle age with less confidence than men. It's a complex issue and there's plenty of blame to go

around if we're looking to point fingers. We've been lied to a lot. Many of us have bought into the lie and then held ourselves and others to its standards. In order for us to see the lie for what it is, we must take a look at how the confidence con plays out for women in everyday life. And there you have it, friends. We have gone through chapter one of Validation is for Parking. If you want to and haven't already, download the 40-plus page Confidence Building Workbook that's a companion to this book. Go in Shownitz, click the link, and you can download it for free. If you already have your workbook and have been working through it, we're still on pages one through five. So spend a little bit more time there, and we'll be going forward as we get into our next chapters. And lastly,

this is about women building, growing, and keeping their confidence together. I am so glad that you're here. So remember, confidence is firm and bold trust in self and validation. Well, that's for parking.