This Paranormal Life - #050 50th Episode Celebration!

Episode Date: February 27, 2018

Can you believe it? 50 episodes of This Paranormal Life! On this weeks episode we look back at some of our favourite moments from the show so far. Thank you so much for joining us in the side car of this paranormal motorbike! Enjoy the episode!Support us on Patreon.com/ThisParanormalLife to get access to weekly bonus episodes!Buy Official TPL Merch! - thisparanormallife.com/storeFollow us on Twitter, Instagram, and YouTubeJoin our Secret Society Facebook CommunityIntro music by www.purple-planet.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to This Paranormal Life, episode 50! Woo! Woo! Welcome everyone to a very special episode of This Paranormal Life, celebrating 50 episodes. This is the 50th episode that we've done. Can you believe it? 50 episodes of investigating the paranormal. I mean, whenever we started Case 1, we were but 12 years old right uh many moons ago

weirdly our most successful one as well it's it's been a slippery slope since then it's true we actually at uh age 12 shot bigfoot and almost killed him next we wanted to uh shoot the jersey devil um we've been searching actually the next 49 cases we're trying to get the Jersey Devil we lucked out with one, suffered through 49 yeah we just wanted to make this a very special episode to thank you guys for joining us on the journey that we've

been on so far, 50 episodes and what a journey it's been we've travelled all around the world from the Pacific Northwest with Bigfoot to the pacific southwest with the jersey devil and everywhere in between to the top of the ocean where the ninjan roam free to the bottom of the ocean where the weird dark fish have creepy sex parties we've been everywhere we've seen it all um so we wanted to take this opportunity for episode 50

to kind of look back at uh some of our our highlights our favorite moments from the show that's right and we've been listening to what you guys uh loved and and what you guys like about the show and we thought it would be cool to throw it all together into one party episode exactly so get your beers ready. All right? Because things are going to get pretty paranormal. Cut to next time Ken sees Peter and he's freaked out, man. He says,

this stuff is period correct. If someone's playing a prank on you, they're a scholarly prankster. What do you mean periodly correct? I mean, how much does Old English really vary? I'm glad you asked that question, Rory, because it varies a shitload. Oh, ye of little faith.

Is that Old English? You understand that? Uneducated twerp. Oh, ye little bitch. That was in Old English. You can't just say, oh, ye. You can't just put ye in front of it. F*** ye off.

Ye bitch. It turns out it varies a lot. I mean I'm sure you've had that experience I know I have um you know

I'm just an ordinary fella ordinary drinking beer education I like a cold beer at the weekends I like my woman

uh in the back of a pickup truck I guess fried jeans not in a bad way not in a weird abductee way

but uh tinted window shirt not in a weird way I have but uh in the window shirt on the weird way i have sensitive eyes candy sometimes i'm diabetic assault weapons in the back of the truck not in a bad way and protect me from the weirdos but god forbid i will kill a man if he so much as cross me not a weird way several passports in the on the dash not in a weird way. Several passports on the dash. Not in a weird way. Just in a tax evasion way. I mean, you know, I'm just a down-to-earth guy.

What can I say? Mattress in the back. Not in a weird way. I can sleep anywhere, you know. I slept for days. Not in a weird way. Swastika tattoo on my chest. Not in a bad way, though.

Just in a kind of, you know, yearning for the days of old kind of way. Whitehood, not in a weird way. I just hate a lot of people. Anyway, God bless. Police Chief Ellison meets the crew that night at a nearby shopping center. As we said, to hear what happened, they tell him the whole story. Now, as we discussed, ellison was obviously skeptical but he said later on quote unquote if they were acting they were awfully good at it now ellison really doesn't know what to do about

this i mean what would you do what can you do either he's been abducted and he's gone or they've murdered him and you now need to by yourself yourself, place all of these men under arrest. Yep. He eventually notifies his superior, passing the blame. Like the hack that he is. I'm telling you, he's trying to get off. Go surfing. Hit some of those sweet, sweet snowflake waves.

Gnarly snowflake waves that Snowflake is known for. I love the irony of Snowflake being known for its golden sandy beaches and roasting hot summers. Probably gets pretty cold around here. Not really. Nope. Isn't it weird that Iceland's green and Greenland's ice? Wow, we've never seen a drop of snow in 200 years. It's actually named for its lack of snow.

It's a more ironic its lack of snow. Yeah, it's a more ironic thing. Anyway, don't go down to town no stab because it gets pretty violent. Safest city in the Midwest. Do you mean that? Nope. Literally? No.

Metaphorically? Also no. I'm sorry to inform you. You've been missold this travel package. Now give me your keys. This is the first guy you meet when you go to Snowflake. We use opposites to keep our spirits up. Because it is so

a blistering hot here in Snowflake. We've gone mad. Blisteringly hot. Do you ever have unexplainable dreams slash absolutely dude i had a a couple of them but still another cat story i completely forgot about this i've got a nightmare to tell you about i had a nightmare last night dude

okay so a cat story this is unbelievably i can't believe i totally you know whenever you blank on a dream until someone brings it up yeah this is my and and my girlfriend could verify this if needs be because i told her she is a cat though felicity for sure um yeah i dreamt last night okay that i'd got a new job and and i was i i headed up across town i got the bus across town to my new job and i went to the building for the first time very large grand kind of uh chandeliers and everything haunted ass building very spooky and um and the whenever i got there whoever i was seeing they were like oh just take a seat um in the waiting room or whatever and this little cat was walking about jesus christ this cat like you know the cats just kind of like walk over you or whatever

yeah this thing was walking on my shoulders with his little freaking paws around my neck wait for it dude what this cat you know whatever cats like bring out their little claws so like kind of like you know settled on you whatever and they were kind of like pincing me just like pricking me and i was like ow and then it started doing it to my face and kind of like sticking his claws into my face a little bit and then over my eyes i was like i was like kind of laughing it off and like i little shit i can't i can't see if you do that i can't see if you you're pricking my eyes with your paws. And the cat whispered in my ear, I'll be your eyes.

How did I run that time? There's no way this is real. That's what I dreamt last night. This is real. I dreamt that last night, dude. I'll open your eyes oh my god so I guess apart from that nothing too spooky in my nightmares

that's the most f***ed up thing I've ever heard it's going like high like you know like a siren goes from like a low pitch to to a high one like low frequency to high one This is like getting higher and higher as it goes. Yeah, like steam blowing out the sides. You've got that one scientist who's going, shut it down, shut it down. She can't take any more cotton. And then that one army general is like,

get your hand off the lever. We need to shut, get your hand off the lever. It's going to kill us all. It's going to kill you if you don't shut up. The colonel's invisible. It's just a floating gun. What do you want it for?

For the war? It's like, no, so we can peep on people in changing rooms. This is so much bigger than the war. We can snoop on people in changing rooms. This is so much bigger than the war. We can snoop on people.

We can sneak into Sainsbury's and take their meal deals. Think of it. Endless meal deals. All the good sandwiches are always gone by the time I get there. Walkers, knick-knacks, the choices are ours.

I'm left with the ploughman sandwich, day after day, but no longer. So I'm thinking, this guy was an easy target. Yeah, just pick him off. Oh, they probably didn't have snipers. It was probably more like, blood splattered on the walls all horrible and i mean they could just utilize some of this new technology given that it went so backwards this guy's just sitting in his home like i was about to say typing up his laptop we didn't have laptops back then typewriter he was typing on in his little stone age typewriter his like thoughts on ufos and he just hears outside like he's like where have i read about that noise before and then colonel floating gun comes in

hovering walking towards him i love the idea that he's been relinquished of his mortal body, mortal realm, but he still works for the US Navy. He's still got a Glock. He's still a puppet of the Navy. Amazing. Yeah. Goddamn. It's a mysterious one, all right.

I wish we had more credible evidence. Yeah. I mean, it's nice that we had some guys stepping forward yeah but then again to only have them step forward after all of this is made public and blown up to be a big deal i mean it seems like something so widespread that affected so many people that how how do you brush that under the rug how do you tell all these families that their husbands and brothers are all missing now even though they weren't deployed in action in the war yeah you

know little mysterious things like that i mean we do have how do you tell a wife their husband has now merged with a boat hardest part of my job it's never easy two hours in she's not even upset she's just like what explain to me again you see ma'am it's quite simple we powered up this powerful generator it's still colonel floating gun he's just at the door you see ma'am it makes a noise like this so you see how i i am invisible uh well your husband is noise like this. So you see how I am invisible. Well, your husband is much like this, but also fused with a boat. So you're saying that he's dead. Oh, God, we wish he was.

Lord knows he wishes he was. We call him HMS George. And I can assure you he will not be docking anytime around here soon. Can I visit him? Absolutely not. The ship's invisible too. It's somewhere near Andromeda 9. Still in hyperspace, we believe.

We didn't read that Einstein shit properly. I think I told you, Rory, but whenever I was in Joshua Tree, I was actually talking about it earlier today, but, you know, big, like, UFO paranormal community in joshua tree very small population uh and a gentleman called the space cowboy was telling me about the location of a time machine it was like a 15 minute drive the time machine unfortunately was closed that day oh no my girlfriend could not visit gut head oh yeah and we looked it up online it is very famous it's very beautiful from what I can see gorgeous construction

was built quite a few years ago now or in the future they mean it was in the 1920s at the time it was like unfortunately

it was 2017 so we couldn't go see it it's in an appointment yeah it'll be back any second maybe but it was very yeah

it was kind of as we're talking about it was quite convenient that the man who built it supposedly never finished it. So I don't believe it's ever traveled time. It's mostly used for like yoga retreats currently. So you can very much time travel in an emotional sense, but maybe not physical, which I thought was quite convenient. I love if you go in and it is a yoga retreat

but everyone's in like Victorian age garments that's really good or they're like oh you know if you're looking for Yelp reviews thing is it can only send people back doesn't bring them forward so they don't have a computer and if you see any bad ones

it's because it didn't work that time and people are pissed but so we only get bad reviews unfortunately yeah Yelp is f***ing us in that way

to be honest we're waiting we keep sending like things in people's pockets going when you get back to Victorian London make Yelp

make Yelp now mother f***er but they're lynched for witchcraft day one so very few returns on that unfortunately we are having a problem give us a guy a smartphone sends it back in time and it's like when you get there make yelp yeah okay got it got it goes back in time the guy takes out a history book yeah list of wizards killed all of them were screaming yelp as they died he's like shit it's a wizard killed within an hour of meeting them they're like oh shit he's like

murdered 50 wizards i was like where did i get this book lists of wizards killed yeah I was imagining the book is like so you can spot a wizard by their Nike trainers and clean clothes the tick of the wizard it's like

after they kill three Yelp wizards then they're just like if someone comes here talking about Yelp that means wizards so that means you gotta kill them

it's like he's just sending all these people back all the time one of the managed to escape is like i've got to go forward in time kill him so you can't send any more wizards back oh my god the time machine's stuck on the shittiest time period ever why can't he only send people back to the peak time of wizard murders? It's like, send him back to any other time. The most suspicious and ignorant time. Couldn't send me back to a peace-loving time of hunter-gatherer tribes, no.

All those years of searching. Here we go. He didn't want to wait any longer. Using his tools, he carefully made a hole in the door, All those years of searching. Here we go. He didn't want to wait any longer. Using his tools, he carefully made a hole in the door just big enough for him to lean into with a candle. Lord Carney asked, Can you see anything? And this is when Carter said his most famous line that he is known for.

He replied, Yes, wonderful things wow that's a pretty cool line to be known for yeah like when have you ever like said something like that like that's so so uh genuine like yeah excitable when i pass away it's going to be roy powers known for such phrases as don't mace my eyes that's not your purse which is it's her purse so the tomb was opened and inside carter and his crew discovered a huge store of over 5 000 different treasures including trumpets wine i'm sorry is there something funny about that i didn't know the music i didn't know the ancient Egyptians had jazz. Yes, they did.

Oh. Have you ever heard of Pharaoh Satchmo? No, of course not. Pharaoh Miles Davis. Known for such executive orders as Take Five. They also found wine. Wow. Problem with that?

You were fine with wine? With trumpets? No, because people have been drinking wine for like literally tens of years how long a trump how long you think trumpets been around for i don't know you ever heard of when the king comes to town isn't a trumpet made of what when the king comes oh yeah they're like trumpet there you go egyptians had metal i, I mean, they were super advanced. To craft trumpets.

One of the things they found in his tomb, which is so cool, is a dagger that people believe was actually carved from the stone of a meteorite. Oh, shit. Yeah, like they understood that. Yeah, they were insanely advanced. Wow. Also, they had very nice decorative arrows, linen underwear lots of different lots of different items i mean people may balk at linen underwear but people that would laugh at that have never

worn linen underwear yeah it is the next generation in underwear technology it is both cool in summer and warm in winter people you, you get your basic underwear, you get your cotton underwear, then you get your linen underwear designed for a pharaoh's dick. And that stuff is the softest, softest material you've ever felt in your life. Anyway, this episode brought to you by MeUndies. New pharaoh range.

New pharaoh range. Ever wanted sand in your ass crack? Get the new MeUndies pharaoh range. New Pharaoh range. Ever wanted sand in your ass crack? Get the new MeUndies Pharaoh range. Very ancient, very sandy, very premium, very MeUndies order today. Use the coupon code TRUMPETSANDWINE. 50% off. It's made of a substance three times more sandy than cotton, also known as freaking Saharan sand. It's sand.

It's basically sand. It's all sand. You put on your jeans and pour sand in them. All right. Lots of different items. Lots of beautiful treasures. There's also a rumor that Carter found a tablet with a a curse inscribed on it but he has since denied that it was kind of ruining the buzz of the whole day yeah the curse slap yeah everyone was like um do you want to take a wait there's something i think you should

he's like trying on like the pharaoh's helmet trying on his linen underwear. He's like, I think you should... Look, I'm teabagging the mummy. I really think you should read this. They find lots of amazing things, apparently not a curse slab, but along with these treasures, Carter also discovered a giant stone sarcophagus. The sarcophagus contained three... For sure not.

Three gold coffins nested within each other wow i guess like those russian dolls where it's like the case then the smaller than the smaller yeah so we opened them up and inside the third and final coffin was a milf a mummy i'd like to find the milf of boy king please don't call it that the milf of boy king pharaoh tutankhamen i like i like to think that people tuned out for where he described that acronym then tuned back in and just spat their coffee everywhere family members would bury their dead with treasures to appease any evil spirits that might enter the body in ancient greece and rome they would actually place a gold coin in the mouth of a dead person they believed that this would pay for the boat in the afterlife to take them from the land of the living to the land of the dead that's cool and if you didn't pay

you might be possessed by an evil spirit and become an undead vampire beast right so very very important the boat of the undead would take you to i guess like heaven or hell yeah i guess that's the idea yeah okay it's like quite a big like greek myth thing can you imagine if like i get worried about this stuff it's like if I die tomorrow and it's like oh like you know I was a nice person like I think I lived a good life I tried to be respectful of others

kind, loving you know did the right things made the right decisions and then I you know I die there's a nice service and then you know

I see the white light I move up and I'm like oh here we go and I'm like gold coin I'm like what it's like

the gold coin in your mouth it's like what are you talking about it's like they don't do that anymore you didn't come with the gold coin you I'm like, what? It's like, the gold coin in your mouth? It's like, what are you talking about? It's like, they don't do that anymore? You didn't come with the gold coin. You don't have the coin? PayPal. Visa.

Mastercard. They said I couldn't take it with me. What are they, idiots? Oh, you're just going to waltz into the afterlife. Yeah, you're going to go, oh, I'm just going to walk into heaven. You think everyone's free up here. You think everyone's free. Oh, I paid with my sin.

How do you think these gates are so pearly? You stupid bitch. Look at all closer. Gold coins, gold coins. How do you think Jesus pays for this shit? He's loaded. His dad's actually pretty rich. Whenever I was a kid, I read about, you know, you read those books at school,

like about ancient Egyptian mythology. And that was one of the funeral rites was that you needed to be prepared because when you were going to the afterlife, like Ra or some shit would rip out your heart and place it on a set of scales and like weigh it against this like mystic feather. And if your heart like weighs too much because you've been too much of a bad person it's like you're going to hell that's what's happening because your heart weighs too much yeah that's where the love stays don't measure your heart measure your like fists or something i don't know i know yeah i'm like i'm so scared just like do it all to me like wrap me up like a mummy put gold coins in my ass literally do all the prayers of every religion bury me in a pyramid i like the idea

prayed to anyone that i make it anywhere solicitors whenever you die and like your family are all like standing around like weeping and they're like androi pars will um he has left you know the house to the kids uh don't worry about that but actually everything else has been um turned into gold and stuffed up his ass actually in the fine print i see here too bad his heart was heavy as shit so he's not going anywhere i did some bad stuff kids rah isn't gonna be pleased your family was like you never talked about ra once once you just harbored that in your mind your entire life imagine that you don't tell anyone and then like in your will you're just like writing non-stop about ra what a weird thing to be

obsessed with ra none of the other gods just rah not even egypt i will miss you my loving wife unfortunately the wrath of rah will not be kind on your loving husband i do not i don't know enough about rah i need to research rah i really want to do a podcast on rah this is your deathbed. Like any last requests. Someone get Wikipedia. Bring up Ra. You know how it's like, you see those articles where it's like,

I used to work in an old folks home and right before they die, they would never say they wish they worked harder. They would never say they wish they achieved more with their life. They always said to me, I wish I knew more about Ra. Oh God, I see him now the dog headed gosh

can you imagine the horror if you worked in one of those whole people's homes as every single person dies they start screaming the fear though of like like living your whole life as a devout like christian or muslim or buddhist and then right when you die you see rah and you're like oh i was so wrong and then it's gonna be more wrong and there was'm going to read so much about Ra when this is over. Just hedge our bets. Classic corny. This is great, though. He says he's going to have friends around.

If anyone wants any water out of the tank, they should take it before nightfall because his friends are going to use it. That night, the Kelly family lie in bed and heard five or six voices in the house. The next morning, all of the water was gone and all their bread and butter was covered in sooty handprints. This is so ridiculous. It's the mine people. It's literally, we talked about this at the start of the episode, the babies from the mine. We were taking the piss on people, but they literally do.

They just came up. They just came from the coal mines and took all their bread and butter and water which at that point is like your lobster

and gold caviar yeah or caviar like we're eating right now yeah on this podcast because that's what people eat today

so at one point the Kelly family they decided enough is enough this is when shit gets you know this is like classic paranormal task handling.

Like they just go full Amityville and they bring in a priest to task. Should have, day one. Day one you should have done that. It really should have been. I know. That is like, isn't that funny? It's like no one. Now the priest looks and sounds a lot like corny.

No, nothing to be seen here. It'll take you 300 euros to, for me to, wait, what? 16 fish. 16 fish. I mean euro. It'll take you 300 euros for me to... And 16 fish. 16 fish. I mean, euro. You sure I'll get them for you? Don't worry, I know where you keep them. It just goes to the closet.

Also, is it cool if I have some of my priest friends around tonight? We're going to need a lot of water. We're going to need a lot of priests to get Corny out. He's an infamous ghost. My father, how sooty your fingers are No no no That's just butter and bread He just

He just crumbs All down his front I love that idea They're like We'll call the father We'll call Father Cornelius Ron tonight

They're like They call him on the telephone The ringing's coming from a box in their corner i'll be around in a second that was awfully fast father cornelius yes that's me oh my god are we ghosts before we're humans that's an interesting thought yeah because that's what people always say is people go i'm scared of dying but as Watts said, why would you be scared? Maybe life is death. That's what he's saying, right? Was it something like that?

Was I close? Don't cut me off. Well, just say like, was that smart though, what I said? I mean, it wasn't not. Would you think it was smart if Confucius said it? But just because I say it, it's a dumb of me. It's dumb. Socrates did once say that we it's a dumb of me. It's dumb.

Socrates did once say that we were ghosts before we were humans. Also Einstein. Also Einstein. And also Plato said it. Yeah. And also Socrates said it. So actually I think it's a pretty good point. Also Socrates. And he was the greatest philosophizer of all of them.

Sockrats. My boy Sockrats. Not to be confused with Socrates. Sockrats was a philosopher that wore rats in his socks. It was his jerk brother. Yeah. One of them turned out to be a great philosopher. The other one turned out to be a royal pain in his dad's ass.

Sockratsats the infamous and they're just like they added the e to socrates and it's like you turn out to be a genius who knew socrats is just throwing shit at animals in the strip it's like the the opposite so one distills like wisdom that will echo throughout the ages the one just lies and just makes stuff up and burns things. An agent of disinformation. Agent of disinformation. That's ironically more cool

than being a philosopher. Agent of disinformation. I'm Socrates. Socrates. You gotta take away the ass. It makes it more badass. It does, doesn't it? Hey, I'm Sockrat.

My vocal cords were injured at a very young age. My parents tried to feed me to the wolves, but no one eats Sockrat. Sockrat's invincible. You look like you're dying Socrates Everyone's in a toga And he's just like butt naked Just like

I like the idea of Socrates trying to spread Like ancient wisdom Did you know That the earth Revolves around the sun and socrates killing him for the crowd dad told me you used to piss the bed socrates no i didn't we all know you did no i did he's got a tiny pecker socrates please Socrates, please.

It's like a tiny town. Yeah. Ancient Greece is like a tiny town. Well, it had to be. That's the only reason his legacy spread so far. Tiny town. Tiny town. So if you're the smartest person in that village, you're basically the smartest person in the world.

Yeah. I mean, that's what people don't realize. People are like, people think he was this great genius, but actually he was just the smartest guy in that little village. That's like the smartest guy in your local McDonald's. Which would be Socrates. Socrates. His actual name is Socrates.

Yeah, the smartest man in a McDonald's. Probably named Socrates. I like the idea of going to McDonald's and trying to be polite. They're like, how can I help you today? And you go to read their name badge. It says Socrates. Hello, Mr. mr do i pronounce it's socrates just say socrates yeah all right thanks socrates i just wanted to bring this up okay so you know tom de long uh tom de long of course he sang such famous songs as what's my age again right uh all the small things um dump weed a famous singer

of blink 182 exactly and a huge ufo believer okay he actually has started his own academy called to the stars academy right uh where they do well then no one knows what they do yet i don't really no one knows uh-huh but i think it's to prove that aliens are real okay why how did you gather that to the stars obviously who lives on who lives on a star well i was gonna say it could just be space exploration but huh what do you think nasa do uh there i mean it stands for um national aeronautics space agency uh something like that yes i think it stands for need aliens stat asshole i think it's pretty clear what their mission is why is their company name rude why does it have to be so grumpy what shows the urgency that shows you they're not around why do they need aliens as well if they're if they're a company that has

to prove to aliens are real the best way to prove it is to find an alien asshole it's like calling a private investigator's office like where the are you incorporated or something kind of work it's really on the nose so i hope you enjoyed those clips those are some of our personal favorite clips from episodes 1 to 50 of this paranormal life uh we just wanted to say a massive thank you to everyone who has um supported the show my god whether it's on patreon whether it's just telling your friends whether it's spreading the word yeah especially our day ones i know that something that we are just so grateful for is so many people who've been listening since that very first episode and stuck with us all this time

and told their friends and we really can't thank you enough for that yeah it's amazing like when we started this show i i don't think any either of us knew how far it was gonna go there was there was even a fallout plan at one point to do like eight episodes and then if we were dying we would just go it's the end of season one. Yeah. Maybe there'll be a second season. Totally. But it's just been this kind of takeoff wildfire

that keeps spreading into the paranormal universe. And with that, I would like to announce the end of season one. It's all been great, but now you can f*** off. We got your money. Game over. Rory, the Patreon's actually, it's a reoccurring monthly.

What? I thought they just gave us all their money. Make sure don't include this in the edit, okay? Make sure. Those little f***ers can't know. So fake, so two-faced. In the one episode where we're supposed to celebrate the show oh god yeah thank you so much everyone it means so much to us you know that we are your favorite

podcast in the world it's true more than any other podcast and that you see us as sort of not just father figures but maybe even god figures maybe maybe really this the centerpieces of your lives yeah i think so we are your raz yeah and that's i'm fine with that yeah you know whatever in whatever type of way you want to reward me no cookies fine nuggets gold or chicken i'll take them whatever you guys want to throw at me nuggets nougat nougat um so thank you so much for listening to all these 50 episodes of This Paranormal Life. And we'll see you for a thousand more. No more, no less. Spit in your hand and try to shake mine.

No. We do three more. That's the end of This Paranormal Life. Turns out it was a f***ing ton of work. We thought it would get easier after 50. We're just like, all right, hit us up on every social platform. They're all just 404 errors. Everything's gone.

So usually we would conclude by plugging the socials, plugging Patreon, all that stuff. You guys have done enough of that. You're doing an amazing job. So just thank you from the bottom of our hearts. And to go out, here is another clip montage of some of the maddest stuff we've ever said on the show thank you very much for listening i'm roy powers this guy's name is kit greer uh hashtag investigate praise rah us and we'll see you next week see you next week quick disclaimer i'm a paranormal investigator right not a chemist don't listen to

a word i say your little pieces of shit want to get laid out you want a cat fight you think you can take him i'll be hiding in a bush nearby i'm gonna drop you as soon as you drop him you drink milk from a bowl one time and you're labeled a cat you're shit in a box of sand one time you're gonna turn to him and go hey buddy can you help me out here now he's gone he's bought two dollars worth of crack and he is gone which is actually a lot of crack these days i'll tell you we've moved on to the big question here is santa himself a goblin santa's a goblin. Hell, I'm a goblin. You're safe now because you're on land. Soon as these motherf***ers grow legs, we are doomed, people.

They already have legs and they've got flippers and legs. They are both aquatic and amphibious. Once the fish get their shit together, that whole ocean army is going to rise up. Just to clarify that we do not have pictures of the reported alien alloy all spark cubes. How about you take Yuri's goddamn word for it? How about that?

Literally every Olympic athlete at one point or another had a monkey paw. Yeah. What I'm seeing from all these ones and zeros is how we could get more bullets into a gun. You literally told us you gave up researching to go buy beer. Are you sure you know what you're doing, Nobledore? Shut up! Cass' spell shuts the door on...

Why are you still selling books? You're a wizard! Aliens don't care about accuracy. They don't care about cost. Because they have space money. Yeah I have seen the long dick of God Here it may or may not be confirmed that Hitler is still alive So I'm gonna drop that bomb on you right now before we get any further. I'm gonna tell you a little story right now

It's called the three little mother f***ing piggies Whatever she's holding in the middle of the image. Give me the page. Okay. You just lost your evidence privileges. Peeping Tom. There are humans out there drinking other humans' blood, calling themselves vampires. I'll be damned if I'm not doing it right now.

Are they watching us now? Is this just a sick fucking game to these creatures? Who are they? Whoa. Tell me now. Where do you have a gun? Who's the real Laurie? Your own head.

Fun fact, did you know judges are actually normal sized humans? And the hammer is small? What? Did you know that? I thought they were really big and that was a normal hammer. Let's get out of this. I'm just going to pretend I didn't hear that.