This Paranormal Life - #133 The Flatwoods Monster

Episode Date: October 8, 2019

This week we investigate the much requested Flatwoods monster. This creature inspired the aliens from Majora's Mask and is known as one of the most convincing paranormal encounters to ever happen.Support us on Patreon.com/ThisParanormalLife to get access to weekly bonus episodes!Buy Official TPL Merch! - thisparanormallife.com/storeFollow us on Twitter, Instagram, and YouTubeJoin our Secret Society Facebook CommunityResearch by Amy GrisdaleEdited by Louis BlatherwickIntro music by www.purple-planet.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

If you're buried alive, do you die alive? What makes sweet potatoes sweeter than regular potatoes? Is it something paranormal? All these questions you can find the answer to on This Paranormal Life! Hello everyone and welcome to This Paranormal Life. Yo! The comedy paranormal podcast where every week we investigate a brand new tale, claim, case, beast, and come to a conclusion within the around about an hour

as to whether or not it is in fact paranormal or garbage. Except for last time when it was actually across two full weeks. Yeah, and the paranormal beast was the garbage man of Athelhampton. He was both paranormal and garbage. Of course. That was a confusing case from start to finish. This week, we got something a little bit more simple. Oh.

It's such a big case, and we got a lot to get through, that I think we should just get straight into it. Fine. Let's dive right in. One cold September night, a small town in West Virginia was rocked by an event that would not only change the history of the world but would require the attention of the police the government and project blue book christ man this is zero to a hundred the triple threat

you just said this affected the world oh yeah No one was the same after this incident. Even us? Not even us. Wow. The date is September 12th, 1952. The sleepy town of Flatwoods, West Virginia was winding down its day, stores closing, people heading home from work, and 11-year-old Freddie May, his brother Edward, and their friend Tommy Heyer were playing in the yard of their local school.

It was 7.15. The streetlights weren't on yet, so the kids were salvaging what little playtime they had left. When all of a sudden, Freddy hears his friend cry out, Look! In the sky! The gang turn around to catch a glimpse of what looked like a large red glowing object tearing through the night sky down towards a nearby mountaintop, leaving a trail of fire behind it. One of the boys cried out, It's... it's a flying saucer! They said it was Virginia. Yeah, and that's why I nailed the Virginian accent.

I don't know about that. Nothing unusual so far. We got a bunch of kids yeah witnessing an object flying through the sky towards the earth okay there's nothing too strange about that you know kids we've already talked about it before they're in tune with the world of the paranormal some people say that kids can see ghosts yeah well they're not goddamn working like their parents so i guess they have a lot of time to look around exactly michael the salary man nine to five he's he doesn't have time to look out for ghosts even

if one slapped him across the face he's probably head down on his iphone checking his work email he's too busy running from his demons to even catch a glimpse so busy running from my demons i don't see my ghosts whereas you know little billy and timmy playing with their play-doh and blocks yeah they're playing hopscotch with ghosts they're doing skip rope with demons yeah these kids that we're talking about today are young but they're not stupid they run home to freddie and edward's mother's house to tell her exactly what they saw kathleen may was reluctant to believe the boy's mother's house to tell her exactly what they saw. Kathleen May was reluctant to believe the boys' story, but decided to go with them, if even to simply shut

them up. However, it was getting late now, so Kathleen requested the help of their neighbor, Eugene Lemon, who was a National Guardsman. So now you got, you actually got a little gang here. It's pretty cool, it's a little unit it's pretty good eugene also brings his dog wow okay i mean if the kids aren't getting some of the paranormal spectrum the dogs tuned into that sixth sense oh yeah because when the kids are too busy playing with their blocks and their play-doh the dog's got nothing going on he has at most a bone he probably got a bone six months ago that he stashed in a bush that's all that's his life's purpose yeah at 6 45 he has to lick his own ass but until then he's he's open to the world of the paranormal guys i like to think

that uh in the case of a UFO, that they can use that sixth sense to speak directly to the dog. And UFOs are like, Rufus, we know you can hear us. Kill the humans. Kill all of them. But they called during 645 where he's licking his own butt. He didn't hear a word. Rufus, we know you can hear us. Why are you doing that?

Listen to us. This is much more important. Rufus, we know you can hear us. Why are you doing that? Listen to us. This is much more important. Rufus, we will give you bones. The object that the boys had talked about had soared over towards a nearby farm. So the gang set out in the darkness, led by the boys who saw where it had landed. The group approached the area where they believed the object had landed, but didn't see any signs of a crash. Which is a little bit weird, because if you see, essentially, a fireball crash into any signs of a crash which is a little bit weird because if you see essentially

a fireball crash into the middle of a forest there's gonna be some evidence that it happened a hundred percent it's like dropping a pig into a field of sharks. There's going to be blood everywhere. I guess. If you can think of a more, a better analogy than that. I mean, well, I think we've probably talked about it before. It's like dropping a pig into a field of lions. Fine. I was going to say something a little more scientific, but if you insist. I just wanted to point out that whenever asteroid impacts have happened on Earth, something that's surprising

is that it actually takes a pretty small object to have a pretty devastating blast of course radius right so we're not talking about a full-on pig here folks the world's tiniest little piglet i mean i'm pretty sure it it killed the dinosaurs okay i was gonna say like a grain of sand or something but if you insist on the pig then that's gonna say like a grain of sand or something but sure or insist on the pig that's really small really a grain of sand you really create a piglet what is that like a hundred piglets a single rasher uh what so it with the impact of a grain of rice sorry i interrupted you apparently shooting stars are items like the size of like a grain of sand entering the atmosphere and burning up and that causes something to actually streak across the sky and burn up

whereas something probably the size of i don't know a football hitting the ground pigskin that's what they call a football all right you're not wrong so they push forward deeper into the woods kathleen is probably like all right boys you've had your fun let's let eugene enjoy the rest of his evening in peace eugene's like no we're gonna find these sons of bitches he's more into that than the kids you see the further they pushed into the woods the the hazier it became. The group started to notice a strange sulfur-like odor in the air, so bad that the kids began to feel ill. Then, without warning, Eugene's dog began barking wildly into the darkness before running forward into the mist. Eugene and the others ran after the dog, afraid it would get lost by itself while they found the dog frozen on the spot by a wooden fence refusing to go any further kathleen wanted to head back but

the kids insisted they kept going and obviously eugene did as well he's borderline obsessed at this point the kids have a lot of authority in this family it seems like kathleen has gone with everything they've they've wanted at this point yeah i think she probably brought eugene along to help explain to the kids that nothing paranormal is happening fortunately eugene appears to be far more interested in this case than the children sure he's borderline holding them all at gunpoint now marching them forward into the darkness. I won't let it get away. Not again. This is why we brought the kids, Kathleen, as bait. As they pushed through the forest, the smell became almost unbearable. It was like breathing in toxic fumes. Eugene paused and signaled for the group to stop. Up ahead in the darkness

was a faint, pulsing red light. He couldn't believe what he was seeing. Were the boys right? Had an airplane or a satellite crashed into the woods? Eugene heard a shuffling noise in the forest in front of him and slowly raised his flashlight to see what it was. But he had no idea what he was about to see. In front of them was a 10-foot creature with a blood-red face

and a green body that seemed to glow in the night. Jesus. The startled creature raised its claw-like hands and began hissing and hovering towards the group. Hovering? Hovering. Oh my Christ. This mother****er's airborne.

Jesus. Eugene screamed, hovering oh my christ this is airborne jesus eugene screamed dropping his flashlight in the commotion as the group took off running into the forest what this group had just seen kit would soon be known as the famous flatwoods monster oh jesus my god bet you didn't expect the flatwoods monster in flatwoods virginia did you a little shamalan twist for you well i hadn't heard of the flatwoods monsters i wasn't expecting much okay the name checks out makes sense thoughts i mean christ i was initially intrigued by this the smell of sulfur because i don't know a lot about sulfur i know it's present in two places to my knowledge volcanoes right and hell of course in the bible uh lots of very similar things oh and iceland i think i think iceland smell apparently iceland

smells terrible people have gone on holiday tell me that that yeah apparently it's like because it's very volcanic it smells bad in a lot of places. Oh, okay. But if this area isn't normally volcanic or something, then sulfur is definitely out of the ordinary. Yeah. Which only leaves one possibility. This is Satan himself. They saw the devil.

Of course he can hover. He's an angel. He crashed his demon sleigh straight into the mountains. With a sack full of demons in the back. Well, look, there's a bunch of people who are going to be very excited that we are finally tackling the Flatwoods monster. Because we've been emailed this very case by Danilo Enriquez, Luke Hauser, Santino Lala, Sophie V.

All of them requested that we investigate this case. Damn, it's a good thing Rory picked up on this because I hadn't read those emails. I think I had probably looked at this case and dismissed it a number of times. Sure. But I came back to it again and my God, I'm so glad that I stuck this one through this time. I'm so glad that like Eugene, I held those children at gunpoint and pushed forward into the woods to discover this beast you know that this paranormal life office is a lot like an underfunded uh rural police station it really is we've got just cabinets upon cabinets of

overflowing case files cases that people are absolutely on their hands and knees begging for us to investigate further. And we're like, sorry, ma'am, the resources aren't there. Exactly. There's only two of us. And then 20 years later, new evidence comes to light and we reopen the old cases. Yeah, it's very true. You know, there's only so much, only so many cases that two men can tackle at once. Well, this creature that we're talking about today, as you heard from the description, finally, we're talking about a cryptid, possibly an alien that doesn't fit inside our typical box of alien gray.

Sure. You know, we've talked about on the podcast before about how disappointed we are when the description always comes down to big head, bug eyes, little gray body. It's true. Classic gray description. Today we're dealing with something completely different. I've never seen or heard of a creature like this before. Yeah. Let's run down that list again. I easily can. We're talking about possibly up to 10 foot tall jesus blood red face okay with a very dark green body that seems to glow in the night that immediately it's like some sort of christmas tree uh themed cryptid it does have a very christmas tree kind of shape to it also also glowing but yeah like blood red head and then green body is yeah not what you would expect covered in like little lights with an angel at the top his shoes were

shaped like presents did i say sulfur i meant they smelled cinnamon delicious delicious christmas cake uh but he's got he's got um apparently little claws okay so that's where it diverges from the typical sort of santa claus situation to help the conundrum of having to describe this beast i actually have an artist's illustration of what they saw that night based on the descriptions of the witnesses i would would love to see that. Check this out. Holy shit. So this is a lot different than I was even trying to deduce from what Rory just described.

So I'm really getting the picture of this thing being, I mean, this thing is at least 10 foot tall. Like the creature depicted in this image could be up to 15 feet tall. It's because there's a human next to him for reference. Yeah. I guess he is hovering a few feet off the ground, but it's massive, truly massive. It almost reminds me of like an ancient Egyptian statue or something.

Right. Almost, you know, like imagine like the Sphinx with its like claws and stuff. Is that like almost size? Yeah. I've never seen a cryptid like that or a paranormal creature like that. I was hoping that you might recognize it from another source because this very creature, the Flatwoods monster was actually one of the stories that inspired the aliens that invade in Majora's Mask, the Zelda game.

Whoa. If you've played The Legend of Zelda, Majora's Mask, which is a great game, I recommend it. My favorite. There is a mission where aliens come down and try and basically attack a farmhouse. And I don't have a side-by-side right now, but they look almost identical to the picture

of the Flatwoods monster. Can I try and bring it up? 100%, yeah. seconds because i'm very curious it's like it's the flatwoods monster it's hundreds of them attacking cows but it's cool i searched and was like i don't know if it was directly confirmed but when you see it it's like yeah they just put it in the game they just put it in the game yo i just googled the uh alien from majora's mask from the zelda game and my god yeah this is this is identical yeah absolutely based on the flatwoods monster it's crazy uh yeah it's a very unique character design if if they hadn't taken it from the flatwoods monster yeah one of the, one of the descriptions of the creature did say that its eyes illuminated the forest like headlights,

which, as you can see, is the same in the Aliens of Majora's Mask. I think the scariest thing about this creature, though, is the fact that, you know, if this was an alien gray, we know how to deal with those. You know, you sucker punch that bad boy in the nose. He's so top heavy. He's probably going to fall over. He'll be like a turtle.

He can't get up. Of course. We know how to deal with them. They have like spindly limbs. Of course. Yeah, they're very top heavy. They snap like twigs. And even if there's something more complicated going on,

it's like that movie where they just throw water on them or something. Yeah, that burns them. Yeah. Or oxygen killed them in the end. Yeah. Or the earth's germs. Whereas these guys, this is a half alien, half ghost. It's wearing a skirt, for Christ's sake, in the bottom half.

If you tried to punch that skirt, your fist could go straight through it. Into a different dimension. Yeah. And turn your arm into just cobwebs. We don't know what happens when you try and attack this thing. I mean, in Majora's Mask, granted, fire off a couple fire arrows, maybe a couple bombs. Yeah. But in the real world, I don't have that kind of arsenal.

And neither does Eugene. He's a chihuahua. He's looking for this thing's Achilles heel, but it doesn't have legs. It's floating for Christ's sake. It hovers. We've dealt with a lot of cryptids in the past, but I think this is our first time dealing with some sort of alien cryptid mix. Right.

Now, there's a lot of reasons why this story has become so famous, so let's continue the story to find out why. After seeing the creature, the gang dashed back to town as fast as they could, immediately running to the sheriff to tell him what they saw, even if he didn't believe them. After a brief wait, the sheriff called him into his office. Come on in, folks. Sorry to keep you waiting out there. The deputy and I were just out following up a report. Apparently we had some

calls about a plane crash. That's right. To the group's surprise, several other Flatwoods residents described seeing a flat aircraft with glowing red colors descend over the exact same area the kids this is when kathleen's like my dumb ass kids aren't as dumb as i thought yeah i mean this is the dream because you you thought you were going in there and you were gonna have to tell him i mean for one you have to get him on board with the ufo crash yeah before you even start that there was a ghost demon in the woods but if he already knows about the plane crash you could be like thank christ that's a great segue into what we're about to tell you right now do you know what the pilot of the plane looked like

was he 10 foot with no legs there were tons of sightings in fact from pennsylvania to california witnesses reported seeing strange objects in the skies really across the goddamn country oh yeah this was a huge thing and this is all i mean this isn't hearsay or rumors or any of the other points in the golden pyramid of truth sure there was actual reports of an airplane crash that night the sheriff and deputy were out investigating those cases when the group arrived now like all cases the news of the monster spread fast with local papers trying to get interviews with the group immediately Kathleen may said that soon after the event she was heavily interviewed by two men originally claiming to work for a local paper, but who eventually disclosed

they worked for the government. Oh, shit. Exactly. It turns out the U.S. Air Force had sent two plainclothes detectives to investigate the scene. Of course. And the discoveries made in the town would launch a full investigation by Project Blue Book.

Now, Rory uh experienced paranormal investigators such as myself are all too familiar with the ins and outs of project blue book of course moving on but for no well i was just gonna say for the people listening at home that may not be so familiar uh maybe you could just give a quick spark notes and what that means oh boy oh boy i actually i just wrote this under the assumption that everyone knew about the secret government operation project blue book so and listen everyone knows the government has books many many books of different varieties everyone knows they probably have books that are blue lying around well you should know that this is i mean it's called project

blue book right but that is more it's more of. It was probably the first book that was made blue, entirely blue, not just like plain paper color. You couldn't be further away from it. I mean, one, why would that be paranormal? Right, okay. And two, why would they dispatch a blue book to the scene of the crime? Okay, we'll just cut that bit from the podcast. guess the plainclothes detectives probably went to interview kathleen yeah and wrote their notes into a blue book no god no right you're back on the book again yeah there's no there's no book involved you keep mentioning a blue well there might be a book i don't know there probably was

a book involved probably if they called but i don't know what i could have been it could have been any color right could have been any color it's probably black that's the most secret color of all time shit maybe the blue was like there was no blue there was no i don't even think there was a book that's a real conspiracy right there project blue but don't get flustered project blue you're you're getting me you're getting me hot all right look here i'll just i'll bring it up i'll bring it up on wikipedia real quick to shut your ass up all right it was a secret government operation that was based around the creation and dispatch of a large bloop oh you son of a bitch all right so there was a giant blue book it was a big giant blue book i didn't read the wikipedia page i didn't know that it was actually just a large book.

They found it on the f***ing moon. Next to the Project Red Pencil. I'm sorry, folks. Project Blue Book, if you didn't know already, was a, I believe it was a secret government project, which was basically one of the early teams assembled to investigate UFOs and alien encounters, that sort of thing, which they denied for years ever existed.

And then later admitted that it existed all the whole time and they were just lying. But yeah, the discoveries that these two detectives made on the scene brought Project Blue Book along for the ride. The Flatwoods Monster Case. This occurred on September 12 12, 1952. This whole thing happened at dusk, and there were a number of young people going off into the woods and saw some kind of fiery, glowing object that descended or came down. Two of the boys, Ed and Freddie, grabbed their mother,

whose name was Kathleen May, and she came back with the group to see this thing, what they describe as a creature. It's very tall. It's got eyes that are glowing red, and it scares them. Project Blue Book, still in the early years, and it was reported to the Air Force because there was something in the sky. Investigators who went there after the sighting

stated that there was an unusual smell or odor in that area. And it was said that the trees in the area were singed at the top. There were investigators who said that branches actually were broken. Now, that's very interesting, At the top, there were investigators who said that branches actually were broken. Now, that's very interesting, that branches were broken by something that evidently came down. This is one of the instances in which Project Blue Book was genuinely, actively doing serious investigations at that time. I do recall seeing the May family sketches.

They weren't extremely detailed, but they were similar. So that clip was from Project Blue Book Declassified from the History Channel, who did an entire episode on the Flatwoods Monster. Kit, I've been bombarding you with truth bullets for the better part of 30 minutes now. I'm filled full of holes. You're riddled. What's going on here?

That was pretty fascinating in the little clip we listened to there that whenever you have a bunch of witnesses all corroborating evidence, sometimes they try and drill down exactly what people saw by getting them to separately draw what they saw or interview them separately about it. I don't know exactly how they went through that on the Flatwoods incident, but definitely on the face of it, it seems really interesting that they all broadly describe the same thing. To try and be cynical about it and think, did these people, did these witnesses, the kids and the two adults, you know, try to bullshit these interviewers and all decide on the look of this beast? It wouldn't be an obvious description to give of any kind of ufo yeah um like we say before whenever in incidents like this people see traditional looking grace traditional looking

aliens it's always a bit of a doner because it's like you know we need something a little bit original to latch on to that makes it seem a bit more real but in this case this is something so wildly original that it definitely makes me believe it a bit more it is crazy how original the description of this creature is i mean it basically matches nothing like we've seen before for better or for worse yeah you know because it seems like his head is constantly on fire he has laser eyes a really nice skirt, claw hands. Yeah. It seems like in one universe, this is something that completely exists because why would you describe it any other way?

In another universe, this was drawn by a child and it's their imaginary friend. That's how bizarre looking this thing is. Which they mentioned in the video. They said it's not exactly very precise a description, but it is consistent. And there is something kind of cool about the design of this creature in their drawings. It does look like something you would find just, yeah, in a sci-fi movie or on a poster.

Or it's just very specifically proportioned and described. Yeah, it's almost silly looking. Yeah. Like old school star trek aliens or something which is i guess why they figured it was perfect for majora's mask which is a pretty cartoony game for sure and these things just chase your character link around with laser beam eyes yeah it looks exactly like it could do that. Despite their differences, believers and scientists both agree on one thing. There was something in the sky that night. A staff member of the Maryland Academy of Sciences confirmed that a meteor had been spotted in Baltimore before the UFO was seen in Flatwoods.

It was also reported by observers in Pennsylvania and West Virginia. Okay, so they tracked this thing's trajectory. It hit one location first, then it hit Flatwoods. Yeah. Got it. Now, again, this is just someone's statement about what it was perceived as being. Yep. I don't know if these scientists were, you know, agent smith glasses and a black suit i don't know

if they were on the side of truth and justice like us because we know that they're already lying and pretending to be uh from the press exactly so maybe they're lying their way through med school getting some biomed degrees getting some uh astrophysics degrees and then lying about this too anything is possible for all i know eugene's a narc kathleen's a narc the kids are little narcs don't get me started on the dog again little bark narc so we're left with two possible options kit option one something did crash in the woods that night and the may family and their group possibly saw an alien creature or the other explanation the bright light in the night sky was a meteor the pulsing red light was an aircraft navigation beacon and the creature described by witnesses was an owl

that's their explanation that's the that's the explanation a 10 foot float well if owls do float to be fair yeah and they have little claws they granted and you shine a light in their eyes and it kind of illuminates it but 10 foot sure that's a pretty it's hard to move past that point okay so that's where they got the aisle thing from yeah and aisles do have big round heads i guess but folks i don't need to i don't need to do a side by side to tell you this thing isn't an owl you show me an owl wearing a little skirt with its head on fire and maybe i'll believe you yeah what is i'm just gonna google this really quick what's the biggest owl it's just a picture of an owl like pyre rangers style taken down

skyscrapers oh shit okay so according to google the biggest owl is the blackistons fish owl and it fishes for humans fishes for new home planets it is this the size of a small child and has the wingspan of up to two meters not bad two meters is like six foot yeah so it's not 10 it's definitely not that would be if it was on its side with its wings open kind of walking on one wing and really stretching like on its tiptoes but for owls and i'll be honest with you folks this thing just looks like a big owl okay you know it doesn't match the description given by a big red face no it doesn't seem to glow in the night sky got it but what do the naysayers make of the sulfur, make of the broken and singed branches, make of a bunch of the different factors in this case?

When I looked at the explanation, the only things that were there on the Internet were meteorite, plain beacon, owl. Wow. That was the answer. And then in the video, they said mass delusion as well. Yeah. That was the answer. And then in the video, they said mass delusion as well. Yeah.

Again, it's such a cop out. So many of the stories we cover, the scientists very rudely go, we have interviewed everyone involved and established all the different possibilities. And we have concluded that they're lying. Everyone's lying. Which granted is probably sometimes true but i don't know damn i mean we have a lot of witnesses here i mean eugene is a what did i say and he's a national guard he guards a nation a nation jesus i don't normally armies do that and yet but it's just this one man i assume he's like a seal team six operator granted he should have possibly handled himself better in the face of an enemy i think you said he just went and dropped his uh flashlight i think he actually kids push some of the kids as he ran thinking that the beast would eat them first and give him more time.

He actually grabbed the dog by the leash and hurled it backwards as a distraction tactic. He's not a brave man, but he is. He turned to the kids and said, your mom has the most flesh. Let her meet her first. We'll survive. Yeah, we have a lot of different witnesses all claiming that they saw the same thing or rory i gotta flip the script here what you're the principal investigator you've seen it from all angles what are you thinking this is a crazy story guys this is this is a weird one i mean the story in itself is pretty strange a group of such diverse people all going out seeing the same thing that in itself is a case

to investigate but the fact that when they went to the station the sheriff was already out investigating legends and rumors of a plane crash that others had seen that very night i mean yeah it could have been just a meteor. But the fact that these events took place up in the mountains alongside the sightings of the meteorite. I don't know. It's very coincidental. There's not really a good explanation for any of this. I mean, sure. Meteorite explains the disc.

Pulsating red light explains the light. Owl kind of, I guess, could be used to explain the monster. But what a mad coincidence that all of those things would have had to happen within this one night. Yeah. You know, one after another. It's so bizarre and really a stretch to kind of force all those things together sometimes it's interesting to look at the timeline of these events and we've definitely covered cases around the 50s before right when the ufo kind of frenzy was setting in and we've definitely seen cases where they really latch on to the the flying saucer and the gray on the one hand it's useful to think of this story in context and say well you know maybe people were a little more primed for those close encounters of the

third kind you're kind of expecting it a little bit i mean the kids the first thing they said when they saw this thing fly across the sky was that's a ufo yeah they were pretty ready to to call it like they saw it yeah which doesn't shine a good light on the kids granted yeah but as you say we do some adult witnesses and anytime you have a story like this where project blue book are getting involved project blue book folks they are the dirtiest mib bastards around that's like saying there's a sport being played and tom brady's around yeah it's probably a football game okay if there's if there if there's a uh a national emergency and project blue booker showing up there's aliens hopping about right hovering with

their little claw hands but look we're just going back and forward and beating around the bush here we are it's time to come down on a decision kit based on the facts that i have provided for you tonight from both sides of the argument both sides of the potato where's your head at what are you thinking yeah like you say we're going way back and forth here we're beating around the goddamn bush we've seen all the evidence we've seen all we need to see said all we need to say let's come down on our conclusions on three okay so like one two three bam fine or one two bam the first one the first one no so go like one uh so the first one one two three go so on go on go right okay not three no right okay i'm just nervous and i don't want to get it wrong because you're like one two three i don't know one no yes four okay we can do this okay are you ready ready wait and folks so we're going up

yeah sorry this is weird to go up okay go down we'll go down two and folks one jesus christ man are we going down to one we're going down to one and then saying it on go. So we're going down to one. Go or the word? This is stressing me out. We're going to go three, two, one, go. Okay. But we don't say go. We say the word.

We say whether we're a yes or a no. We're not going three, two, one, go, word. No, we're going three, two, one, word. Okay, okay. And folks at home, I want y'all to listen to this and count down with us and you say what you think.

Granted, it won't have any bearing on the result of this podcast, but you will know your own truth. We don't care where you are. We don't care if you're on the bus. We don't care if you're at work at your aunt's funeral. You need to just scream it out loud and the universe will hear you. We need to scare this son of a bitch off the earth, back up into his little red craft.

So you think he's pretty real, then? I'm going to stop talking because I feel like I gave away my answer. You need to just shout your answer out loud and frankly get it over with because these guys are real and they are on earth we don't have time to cut down folks you know what the conclusions grab a weapon and meet me in flatwoods these guys have had a 70 year head start and we're already deciding whether they're real or not so forget the conclusions it's a yes all right um all right we'll do the countdown okay three two one yes that's a double yes we want to hear this is it look i i flip-flopped on this story back and forth you know i'm a big fan of the alien stories we've had a ton of cryptid stories but

without that you know firsthand testimonies police chiefs actually being out investigating plane crashes i mean we haven't seen a case like this since freaking roswell folks plus getting the project blue book co-signed that they thought there was something fishy going on yeah the seal of approval from pb wait p probably p bb that was a lot less sexy than i thought it was going to sound um getting their approval means everything and it turns this case paranormal there you have it folks a double yes we finally delivered god how long has it been uh it hasn't been that long since i don't remember what the last one was we said some shit was paranormal a few weeks back oh god really but yeah it it comes and fits and starts for sure it does and don't say we don't give you guys any yeses all right because this was the drop before the drought

it's gonna be hard nose till christmas till till we actually review Santa being a goblin and say yes this time. Thank you so much, everyone, for listening to this week's episode of This Paranormal Life. And I'm sorry it took us so long to get to Flatwoods Monster. Hopefully there's not a dozen other cases out there like this one that we've simply looked over and if we have email us your suggestions at this paranormal life podcast at gmail.com usually this is where we would plug the facebook group and the patreon but for a little change we're going to swap it up this month if you guys do enjoy the podcast why not leave us a review over on iTunes? I think it's been like 100 episodes since we mentioned iTunes. Yeah, we were pretty hot on it in the beginning. But yeah, we kind of dropped the ball on that one. Yeah, we did. And I mean, reviews have been fantastic so far. But

if you do enjoy the podcast, feel free to hop on over. Give us a couple of those stars because we're going to make a galaxy, baby. It it's been yeah it's been quite exciting over the last year we've kind of taken for granted that the podcast has reached a lot more people internationally and that's pretty much exclusively through the podcast being on itunes yeah and the more you guys review it the more people see it on itunes so it's incredibly beneficial for us and for the podcast to grow and new people to come to the commune and join the facebook group so um if you want a cool free way of supporting the podcast that's the way to do it couldn't have said it better myself but i will try okay get your asses out of your aggressive out of your bed and what up. That's all I'll say.

All right. That was worse, wasn't it? A little. It wasn't as clear. It was a little aggressive. It wasn't as clear. I forgot to mention iTunes and the ratings. You just called them lazy, I think.

Yeah. You know what? We'll cut that one. We'll stick with yours. I think you actually delivered it a little better. You cut mine. We cut yours and just, we don't mention iTunes. The end of the podcast is just me going

get your asses out of bed and turn up and turn up three seconds later the outro music fades in another seamless ending for the pod thank you so much for everyone that supports us on patreon and keeps the show going if you do do support us, as you know, we love to give you a shout out right here at the end of the podcast. So, special thank you to James Heath. James Heath lives off beef of all kinds. He is a beef farmer.

There's more kinds than one? What other beef kinds are there? Well, you see, he raises and eats beef somewhat as his living and to sustain his body. But at the same time, he starts beefs endlessly and trains as a mixed martial arts fighter and just whoops ass six nights a week. Oh, my God. So he's just a beef filled life, really.

He's a beefy guy. We don't really want that level of violence in the commune yeah but we do need the food and we will take your uh deadly deadly hand-to-hand combat skills so don't be confused when we say we want beef yeah don't fight us we want the beef we're weak we don't want that kind of beef thank you also to luis barquez. Luis is actually an international thief. Probably killer. What? But at the scene of every crime, he leaves a cute little note that says,

Luis didn't do this. So that kind of... What? They kind of believe him because he's got such a charming little face. How could they? He's at the scene. He has a calling card at the scene of every crime. Yeah, but he said

he didn't do it and I for one believe him. That's not how crime works surely. Well, you know it's at least, you know in a world of suspects they know Lewis didn't do it.

No, they don't. In fact, they have probable evidence that he did all of it. Look, all You said murders? All I'm saying is Killer?

All I'm saying is I didn't see a note from you at the scene of the crime. Hold on. What's happening here? all i'm saying is killer all i'm saying is i didn't see a note from you at the scene of the crime hold on what what's happening here all i'm saying is i think kit did it so you're going down buddy you handcuffed me to the same radiator you're handcuffed to what you're being arrested for spray painting lewis outside my house. Son of a bitch. Lewis, I don't know how you do it. Lewis, I don't know how you do this. But looks like I'm going to jail under your name, buddy.

So I got to clap that out. That's amazing. Thanks also to Andrew Campion. Andrew Campion is a born champion of men, of beasts, of fish. But of course, you know what happens if you're a champion in the commune? You're a peasant, buddy. Uh-oh. You're down on the floors licking boots, kissing the ground that we walk on.

Unfortunately, that's just how it is. You can be the champion of bugs for the time being. But unfortunately, bugs in the commune are our gods because they are the lowest form and everything is flipped um so if you dare even step foot on one ant andrew you will find yourself uh on trial as a god killer so good luck buddy buddy. So combative. Thanks also to Austin. Austin and me actually go way back. He gave us one of our first bank loans to start the Paranormal Commune. Wow. I said I needed half a million dollars to start A. He went, shh, say no more, brother.

And just passed, not even a form, he passed the money across the desk. He was fired later that evening yeah i think because he was he was giving it out money to to everyone essentially they came yeah but he was a good man and we wouldn't be here without his generosity the neurologist says something snapped in his brain that day something went very wrong unfortunately it cost him everything but the podcast is here today because of that so thank you it causes them to answer say no more brother to every question whenever you're an investment banker is a terrible thing terrible misfortune it's like if if you're a subway sandwich artist that's a fine thing to go wrong in your

brain can i have some cheese say no more brother can i have a little bit of ham say no more brother that's fine but a high-stakes investment banker should not be handing out straight up cash no no no thanks also to pinky dowacker if it isn't stinky pinky very much like the flatwoods monster it is just you know eye-watering sulfur stench really anytime you're around him dogs refuse to go near him local sheriffs will just fire in his general direction there's he's basically a paranormal cryptid at this point we don't know how he smells like sulfur i don't know how a human body can be that volcanic wherever he walks a flaming trail goes through the sky yeah people say it's a comet but we have our suspicions i guess don't

come to the commune please don't ideally please please don't thanks also to ryan bergeron well if it ain't burger and rise this dude is one happy meal yeah he's always got a toy on him sure he's always carrying a little pack of fries he the whole package. And he's always looking like a snack. Yeah. Also, he'll eventually kill us all. Oh. Yeah, he's really bad for you. Just being around.

Oh. In the same way that, like, if you ate McDonald's every day, you would slowly die. Right. If you hang around with Ryan every day, you will die. Why? The peer pressure. Oh. Of just, he wants you to do everything.

Steal. Drugs. Wingsuit. Dive. All of it. Sometimes wingsuit dive on drugs. To go through a window and steal something. The big three.

You must be very persuasive. Thanks also to Molly McEligot. Me and Molly actually go way back uh after we had built the commune we were looking for a way to defend ourself i approached the u.s military with a proposal which was essentially giving us half of their weapons right so i had a meeting with molly little did i know that molly had uh recently been exposed to the same brain virus that Austin had been exposed to. So when I asked for the weapons, I mean, I barely made it in the front door before she said, say no more, brother.

And handed over the launch codes for pretty much the entire nuclear arsenal of the US. That is so crazy. We didn't mention that it was a brain virus before, but that's what it was. And the eagle-eyed listener will notice that the only thing linking these two is Rory. So, you do say brother a lot. I do. I don't know if you have this virus. Say no more, brother.

Okay. Thanks also to Alfie Longville. Alfie and I actually go way back. Really? When I needed an ice machine for the paranormal commune, I set up a meeting with Alfie. And after sharing a milkshake in a local diner, they soon contracted the brain virus that I had buried deep inside myself. Of course. You said you had buried? Yeah.

What, deliberately? I bought it on the dark web, sure. Ah. And it's highly contagious. Why are you telling these stories as if you didn't know what was going to happen? Say no more, brother. Okay, just finish the story.

Long story short, the paranormal commune is basically like those places you see at Christmas markets. It's entirely made of ice it's the ice hotel from james bond it is of course thanks also to pj if it isn't lord pj himself inventor of the pajama wow pretty insane stuff how did that come about pj actually lived an extremely hard life he basically had the worst childhood. He was in pretty much every war within his lifetime.

And upon retirement, he just said, I want to get comfy. Right. And people were like, oh, sure. You know, maybe have a nap, take a lie down. Here's a blanket. He's like, no, come here. This is back when people used to sleep in their chain mail, folks.

Yeah, exactly. Straight in the armor, no one got changed. He dedicated the rest of his life to designing the comfiest, most sleepy and snug garments to ever exist, walk the face of the earth. Which at the time was just a burlap sack. Yeah. But goddamn was it an improvement on the chain mail thanks also to otara kiriala if it isn't otara born and raised in the sahara no from birth to adulthood sure they lived in the sahara eating sand drinking sand It's Otara by any chance?

Bathing in sand. Otara, some kind of lizard? Nope. Half human, half lizard. So I guess you... Yeah, sure, actually. Half lizard, half human. But the only problem is they've been in the Sahara for so long,

they can't leave to go to the outside world. Because water's too wet for them. Hard ground is like knives. They've lived in sand their whole lives. It's like prison. They can't make it in the outside world. Sure. They can only live in the Sahara and beaches.

And even the water scares them, so no beaches. Or maybe a play park sand pit at a stretch. In a very hot country, sure, yes. What a life. I'm so glad you managed to find our podcast out there. Thanks lastly, but not leastly, to Dusty Chaffin. Dusty Chaffin has just about,

it's similar to Otara and Azara, just about the driest name of anyone on planet Earth. Dusty Chafin? That's insane. Dusty spent his life from birth to adulthood in dust. Eating dust. Drinking

dust. Any dust related activities Dusty's there soaking it all in. The one time time we met dusty we were like hey dusty nice to meet you and he he said say no more brother we were like we don't want we don't want any dust anything you have to all how did you get the virus how many people i want to get the virus get it yeah but now the commune is full of dust as well so thank you dusty and thank you to everyone that we shouted out we hope you enjoyed this week's episode of

this paranormal life a double yes finally very happy to give it to you guys hopefully next week we'll be back with another double yes see you next week