This Paranormal Life - #160 Possessed Devil Statue Comes to Life at Night

Episode Date: April 14, 2020

This week we investigate the Malabon Cemetery DEMON, a statue of the Devil that allegedly comes to life at night and roams the surrounding graveyard. How has the statue grown in size over the years? Why was it sealed inside an iron cage? Time for Rory and Kit to #INVESTIGATESupport us on Patreon.com/ThisParanormalLife to get access to weekly bonus episodes!Buy Official TPL Merch! - thisparanormallife.com/storeFollow us on Twitter, Instagram, and YouTubeJoin our Secret Society Facebook CommunityResearch by Amy GrisdaleEdited by Louis BlatherwickIntro music by www.purple-planet.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Do animals know they're gonna die? If so, what's on a rat's bucket list? All these questions you can find the answer to on This Paranormal Life! Hello everyone and welcome to This Paranormal Life, the comedy paranormal podcast where every week myself and this guy Kit Greer investigate a brand new paranormal case and come to the conclusion at the end as to whether or not it is truly paranormal. Kit, how are you doing today? I'm doing fantastic, Roy. I'm a little thrown by the intro question. I mean, I know we like to ask the big questions on this show, but that little question is too big for my liking. Sometimes they're a little too big, the big questions.

Do animals know they're going to die? Or do they just think I'm a little under the weather today? What's on a rat's bucket list? I should have had more cheese. I had too much cheese. I'm feeling a little under the weather. That's what an antelope thinks as it's getting mauled by 16 lions. As I said on this podcast,

what we do is investigate a brand new paranormal case every week. Sometimes we seek out these cases ourselves. And sometimes, like today, they are an email submission from the people who listen to our show. This week's submission comes from Ace Banday. They emailed in to say, from ace banday they emailed in to say hey kit and rory i think the malabon cemetery demon is a pretty neat case for you guys to check out whatever the verdict is i only hope to represent the philippines and show that we can be pretty damn paranormal too i don't doubt that is it's a long time listener thank you for sending that one in. Yeah. I appreciate his name because he sounds like he lives in the Wild West.

Oh, yeah. And somehow also flies a fighter jet. Oh, yeah. He's probably been married like six times. So, of course, you're going to take a case from a guy called Ace. So, Ace, shout out to you and your brother who listen to the podcast. I hope you enjoyed this week's episode. So I looked into the graveyard that Ace was talking about

to figure out what exactly about it is so paranormal. And well, it's less about the graveyard as a whole and more about a particular grave. I lowered my chair and I lowered it too low. So now I'm going to have to scoot up a bit. Okay. Wow. Really high.

Whoa. I'm getting vertigo. All right. I'm going to go. I'm going to go down. Where the f*** did you get that chair? It's like seven feet high. Oh my God.

Jesus. It's like there's a false floor in this room. This is f***ed. The graveyard is about more of a particular grave. The grave of a man named Bernardo, whose resting place is marked with an enormous statue of the devil himself standing on top of St. Michael, jamming a pitchfork in his face. No, don't believe it.

Don't believe it. If you're in a graveyard, mostly those are owned. Well, I don't know if it's believe it if you're in a graveyard yeah they're mostly those are owned well i don't know if it's owned but they've in churches church you know grinds and stuff yeah surely the church gets a veto on what you put in your headstone i don't know i guess if you've already kicked the bucket who are they gonna complain to also i appreciate this called bernardo i like to imagine that like graveyards are like it's like twitter.com it's called Bernardo. I like to imagine that graveyards are like Twitter.com. It's like you're fighting for that app, that username. Oh, yeah, of course.

You want to be the only guy in the graveyard. They're like, sorry, Bernardo's taken. You got to have Bernardo12345. Bernardo69. Bernardo420. 69? Do you think I want 69? I want a statue of the devil token weed on the top of my grave

bernardo 420 they're like okay you can have bernardo anything but satan so who was bernardo and why would he want such a statue built over his grave was he a satanist was he crazy kit it's time for us to grab our grave-robbing tools and investigate. I don't need to grab them. I'm already holding them. Don Simeon Bernardo was a modestly wealthy, devout Catholic landowner who lived in Malabon in the Philippines. But in 1896, there was an uprising where revolutionaries staged attacks, resulting in a pretty ruthless attempt by the government to destroy any rebels. Oh no. Bernardo, who was just this pretty relaxed rich dude who claimed to have nothing to do with the revolution, accidentally got swept up and arrested along with 300 other accused rebels. That's unlucky. That's really unlucky.

Also, I don't know what these rebels are doing. They could be awful people, but I'm picturing the rebels from Star Wars. Sure. The most badass, coolest, most good-hearted people in the galaxy. Yeah, you know, you got the Sith trying to shut them all down, but they're all like a ragtag team of ruffians that their star fleet is like a freaking cargo ship yeah it's they're not meant for war you know you think bernardo's ready for war he's just a devout little catholic modestly rich farmer yeah but regardless he got swept up

with the rest of them and this is 1896 don't forget all right there's no trial there's no judge your lawyer was arrested earlier for being a revolutionary you're not you're not gonna get a defense your only defense is shielding your face as they beat you i would like to defend myself in court like overruled to get him to confess to his crimes they did some pretty grisly torture stuff i don't want to be too specific uh on the podcast because it's not the kind of podcast that we are uh but we're talking about boiling oil dunked on him that's enough well you got pretty specific actually yeah which and that was only the start they probably could have stopped there what the boiling dunking in the boiling oil if i

have any secrets inside of me they're coming out on the first oil dunk i'm it's not like i'm waiting till dunk three or dunk four to be like all right you got me you don't even have to you just show me the oil you don't you don't even have to tell me about the oil if you take away my wi-fi i'm gonna start admitting shit i didn't even do you take away my morning coffee i'm done i'm gonna start handing in all my friends and family you know as as an informant ratting them all out yeah you take away brunch from me it's over so they tortured him and forced him into what he claimed was a false confession And he was locked away behind bars with the rest of the rebels Now at this time Bernardo started questioning his Catholic beliefs if there was a God How come he's not looking out for me now?

Where was he when they gave me the oil swirly? By the time he was released from prison with the other rebels. He was a full-blown Atheist Wow teaching his own children to reject Christianity and never get married Why do atheists have to be against marriage? It seems like he's going from one extreme to the other here I assume because this is like early 1900s marriage is still a super religious thing. Super religious, probably linked with being part of a church service. Actually, I'm being a dumbass. Yeah, there's no way you could have got married back then without being in the church.

That makes sense. Probably pretty integral to the process. When Bernardo finally passed away, he demanded that a statue be made to place over his grave. Oh, here we go. A statue of the devil standing triumphant. He's a Satanist now. Standing triumphant over St. Michael to remind society that even after his death,

evil has taken over the world, that the devil rules over all, and that there is no God. They really did dunk him in the oil didn't they oh yeah they changed him yeah that's what they being dunked in the oil is kind of like those processes you hear about in health retreats it's like trust me bro you're gonna come out the other side at a different man they don't say what type of different man they don't

say it's very much for the worst you before the treatment before the spa treatment sure never that interested in the guy downstairs afterwards you're listening to death metal yeah you're dressing in black of course you you're pretty changed why would why would a kind and forgiving god allow oil to get this hot it serves no purpose i'm i'm starting to think bernardo's religion was entirely based on how the world treated him which for some people it is for sure i would argue a lot of religion is probably based on that so he was during the moderately rich years, he was happy to be a Catholic. God's looking out for me. That makes sense.

But as soon as things went bad for him, it was over. Yeah. As soon as he got a little bit of hot boiling oil on his legs, he was like, I don't think there's a God anymore. It's like if you, I don't know, Bernardo, if you read the Bible, I don't know if there's hot oil, but there's equally bad shit. Yeah, there's some pretty bad stuff. Imagine if when it started getting pretty heavy in the rain category, Noah was like, what the f***, man? You want me to build a boat big enough to fit one of every animal? No, one of two of every animal on it so they can bang.

Why wouldn't you just, why can't I be one of the easy guys? But Noah, he had a little more perseverance. I'm pretty sure God asked a guy to kill his children. Uh, yeah. That was, uh, who was that? That's going to bug me. Abraham? No, it wasn't Abraham.

Isaac? What's the, hold on. Oh, Abraham and Isaac. Okay. It was Abraham and Isaac, yeah. What do you mean it is both of them abraham was told to kill his son isaac in the bible gotcha and then i'm pretty sure right when he was about to do it god was like no no no i was just kidding i was just kidding oh jesus christ you were

actually gonna do it five seconds too late i said psych what can i do for you now my dark lord no i know you got it all wrong i'm not the dark lord it's like was this a test to see if i would follow your command no it was a test to see if you were crazy you're going straight to hell you almost killed your own son but lord didn't you do that don't bring that up don't bring that up that was a whole different thing i was proving a point i did it to stop sin all right on the side of the statue there's a plaque that was a whole different thing i was proving a point i did it to stop sin all right on the side of the statue there's a plaque that depicts a conversation between lucifer and saint michael it was a little old-fashioned so i jazzed up the lingo to help uh help it fit in the 21st century

this happened i don't remember religion class but are you saying this conversation happened and now you're jazzing it up well weirdly when this plaque was first made a lot of people assumed this was a passage from the bible okay uh but the direct passage that is written on the plaque they couldn't find okay anywhere this is bernardo's original shit yeah this is a bernardo original okay so i will be reading the part of lucifer and kit will be reading the part of St. Michael. What are you angels doing here on earth? Didn't you know that I am the king here, ever since I tricked Adam and Eve? Earth and heaven are created by God. That is why our powers extends to here. You fool. People want what I give them. War, famine, online gambling, buffalo wings, all the good rock and roll music, Doritos chili heat wave. Nobody wants your cool original Doritos.

People of the world, help me defeat evil. Let justice and love rule over us. God, oh my God of the heavens, where is your power? Hey, he didn't have all the cool rock and roll bands. There's like Creed. No, they were terrible. Jesus, I can't think of one. Are you talking to him now? Jesus, I can't think of one are you talking to him now jesus i can't think of one help jesus is calling out whack christian rock bands i'm like no those don't count they weren't good

oh dude there are some absolutely absolute banger christian rock songs they hit pretty damn hard so now that we know a little bit about the origin of the statue what about it is so paranormal well kit the story has it that late at night local residents have seen the figure of satan moving and we're not talking about shifting eyes side to side this son of a bitch gets up and roams the graveyard what yeah in fact some of the more religious locals who either i guess hated this thing or were terrified of it would often throw rocks at the devil trying to break the statue and defeat the evil whoa they have enough time to go and grab rocks and try and take this bitch down yeah now i i believe that the rocking of the

statue okay uh takes place when it's very much in statue form gotcha so it's like maybe they've heard stories of it roaming about at night and they go there in the day okay and they're like we'll not let you rule over this land and they're all throwing rocks smashing up this this grave is it a big statue no i think uh i saw a lot of different pictures of it online that definitely uh implied it was larger than it actually is in real life okay it is probably uh up to your waist okay a little taller so a few feet a few feet high yeah for sure well one day when locals were walking through the graveyard probably about to give this statue a good rocking they noticed something different wait a, was the devil statue always that big?

I could have sworn the figure was a lot smaller. And his eyes, now they're a bright yellow, like they're glowing. The rock attacks and stories about the statue got so bad that eventually it had to be encased in a steel cage. But was this really to protect the devil from the public, or was it to protect the public from the devil? That's a great question. I mean, first off, if you really believe it is the devil taking form in a statue, i don't think rocks are gonna cut it no guys no no no no you need holy water you need bibles garlic is that no that's vampires vampires you know stuff like that it's a great question i think either way it doesn't work either way the devil's too powerful yeah you're trying to keep him in or out it doesn't make a difference sticks and

stones won't break his bones no only words will hurt him the words of god yes all right you can't throw stones at a stone rocks don't hurt rocks paper hurts rocks and scissors hurts paper this is just paranormal facts science yeah they've taken the wrong approach to this. I guess maybe they think if they can smash the statue, then he won't be able to. If you break the statue's legs, when he becomes a demon, he still has broken legs. Yeah, no, I could definitely, I have a lot of sympathy for that. I mean, my first instinct would be behead the statue. It's like a zombie.

Take out the head. The body isn't doing nothing. We actually tried a lot of this with the street performers in Piccadilly Circus here in London. When they are in statue form, we realized if you do indeed break their legs when they return to human form, they still have broken legs. That was a lawsuit I didn't mind losing. You know, if it's for the right cause. Sometimes for a good investigation, you got to get your hands dirty.

Yeah. And boy, we did. Yeah, covered in bronze spray paint, actually, from the statues. Kid, I think it's about time I show you a picture of this statue. Oh. I just wanted to,

because I don't have any pictures of it, not quite giant and not in a steel cage. Figured I'd get that info out of the way before I show you a picture. Here you go. Take a look at this. Okay. So Roy has handed me an image here of the grave in question. This is truly horrible. Everyone involved should feel bad. Why Bernardo? I mean, he went off the deep end on this one. I'm going to come out and say, you were never a Catholic. If you get Satan, if your grave is a statue of Satan, anyway, whatever. Look, that's easy for you to say as a man who's never been oiled before.

All right? That stuff will change you. Yeah, he went off the deep end into a vat of oil. It's an incredibly detailed statue of Satan himself. It's a horrible statue. It's pretty grim. It's pretty big. It is pretty big, judging by the surroundings here.

And there is a very, very large, very industrial-sized cage. This is keeping everything out. This is keeping... I was kind of kind of imagining like one of the shitty cages they might put around like a cctv camera or something right just like a you know just something simple but this is like there's a couple layers to this cage there's padlocks all over it it's huge look all i'm saying is bernardo listened to the rock music before he turned into a satanist that's all i'm saying it is kind of funny you know usually if you have a grandfather grandmother you know towards the end they

might show some uncharacteristic traits maybe they're a little more racist than they were maybe they swear a little bit more you see their true colors of course but rarely is your grandfather like when i die i want a statue of hitler with jesus in a headlock he doesn't know what he's saying he doesn't know what he's saying i know exactly what i'm saying we're gonna have a statue of jesus we're gonna have in the headlock no no no no from no headlock no don't listen granddad shut the f**k up for a second they're gonna be riding a horse no there's gonna be no horse if you just have jesus just being peaceful and just maybe blessing like a purpose there is no peace after one has been oiled you were you were

never oiled granddad are you talking about when we spilt that cup of coffee on you this morning i'm a changed man there is no god here we went to church this morning we went to church you had a great time it's like you knocked a cup of chamomile tea on your own lap and screamed, there is no God, granddad. You were, if that was what pushed you over the edge, you were, you were already there. You wanted to go. So, Kit, I researched a little bit further into the phenomenon of statues coming to life. And as you might expect, this is a common paranormal case

especially in graveyards okay i guess graveyards you know already have pretty strong links to the world of the paranormal it's where the deceased are placed you probably do have a lot of statues surrounding people's graves there's already a creepy atmosphere i can see why that would be the main place where these types of experiences would take place because by comparison if you go to like an art museum a lot of statues not a lot of ghouls not a lot of ghouls and uh unresting souls yeah floating around well in fact in huntsville tex, the graveyard statue commonly referred to as Black Jesus is rumored to change positions and even cry. Some of these people here may know a bit about it.

All we call him around here is Black Jesus. I know that there are spirits. Step into Oakwood Cemetery. Walk to the back. The comforting Christ. And you will see him. The Black Jesus. I get a little nervous, I guess. He is shrouded in local lore. They say sometimes his eyes are closed,

sometimes they are open. This statue was commissioned by a grieving judge and his wife. The young boy who was five years old had his tonsils out in Austin, Texas, and he died on the operating table in 1923. They say that sometimes that the statue actually cries. And they say the palms that normally face downward sometimes turn up. Ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. As for the color.

It's not black, it's bronze. And bronze turns dark. And the acid from the different trees turn it darker. It's a 0% bronze. The burial ground includes the remains of men who lent their names to Texas cities, Houston, and Tomball. Paranormal investigators agree to come out. Meters go off. It's unexplained that we're getting any milligouses here at all.

He says he has made contact with a child okay back off raleigh is jesus real step forward raleigh is jesus real strong okay how do we know who is he talking to that's why i wanted you to do it i think he's talking to the boy whose grave it is possibly is willing raleigh powell are you here can you feel yeah i can feel it hey raleigh the rods are definitely spinning on their own. We ask about the statue. Will we see the palms turned up? Right now.

Okay. Will we see the palms up right now if we walk back there? Yes. We will see the palms up if we walk back there? Yes. Okay. The milligauss has jumped 35, so there was real high energy. What the fuck is he saying?

Walk down the path. What's high energy? he saying? Walk down the path to the statue. What's high energy? The palms are in the same position, downward. Were you mistaken? Can you get Jesus to move his palms up? Nothing happens with the statue, and then these instructions to Raleigh. Go get a stick and break it for us somewhere. Step on it.

Jump on it. Make a noise. Seven seconds later. i heard something over there a photograph showed what could be orbs of energy as for the statue it remained an image of peace we left with no further incident let not your heart be troubled neither let it be afraid this historian says but i don't believe this statue moves. And he is skeptical about ghosts, even little ones. That was the fastest paced video I've ever seen. The editing on that is crazy.

That's a CBS News segment. That camera guy is a meth. It's cut, yeah, it's cut so wildly. It's just like a crash zoom into a guy on the floor just going, the midi gases are off the chain. Is Jesus real? Let their souls not be at rest it is wild yeah we shouldn't say that we didn't chop that up it was incredibly difficult to follow i feel like they were trying to bamboozle me into a sense of the paranormal yeah it was just overwhelming jump shots so we've been paranormal investigators for

a number of years i don't know what the f*** a milligas is yeah i've never heard of that before in terms of any form of measurement that didn't even look like an emf reader he was using no they had rods i thought rods were for like finding water or some shit those are what dowsing rods yeah whereas i guess these are sort of for finding spirits okay paranormal spirits i think like water i think they're used like a lot of these ones like uh flashlights or candles is asking kind of like a yes or no question and the way that the rods move would indicate an answer okay so i mean it's kind of like a like a portable ouija board type setup yeah you know it just can you move this yes or no yes you can ask questions

like if we go back to the statue will jesus's hands be up or down is jesus real that's really starting off high i mean i guess that's the kind of question you do want to ask someone who's in the afterlife ultimately yeah but like start off with something attainable you don't you don't go in with like no evidence of any ghosts and go, what's the meaning of life? Yeah. A good paranormal seance is like a date, guys. All right. You got to sit down at the table.

You got to talk a little about what you do, what your interests are. You got to do the boring questions first. How your week was. Yeah. I don't just go to a bar, sit down with a random girl, presumably if we're getting as weird as these people are, a pint of milk and asking them if Jesus was a cat while I'm jamming two rods in their face. Was he a cat? Was he a cat? Oh God, the milligas is going wild. That's a calculator. You said we would do one question each. No, you haven't answered yet. Is he a cat? Yeah, I don't know whether I necessarily trust the investigation of the paranormal researchers included in this segment.

I don't trust anyone in that segment because the one guy who was, by the way, the Scooby-Doo villain and all this, the guy who's like, actually, it's not black, it's bronze. It's bronze. The trees turn to that color. He seemed way too down on the whole thing yeah it's also absolutely not bronze this thing is pure black it is obsidian coal colored i think he said the acid from the trees turns the color which if you're going to be on the science side of things uh you're going to need a bit more of an explanation better alibi yeah i thought this was interesting to include because not only is it a case of a moving statue but in the philippines they actually have their own uh statue called

black jesus or nuestro padre jesus nazarino okay their statue uh isn't necessarily believed to come to life but it is believed to have supernatural powers in terms of curing illnesses or diseases one of those ones where it's like you get your hands on this bad boy and you it like wipes it's like wiping your internet browser history that's what that thing does you are born again all the secrets and shame gone i mean you still got the terminal illness for sure but oh yeah your internet browser history finito gone cookies munched i mean listen i don't mean to get biblical on everyone's ass but i seem to remember thine is the power the love and the glory but thine was not black thine was bronze i do seem to remember the people when when moses went away

for like five minutes they started building statues the golden calf yeah and god was like yo stop it those are false idols we don't worship just like gold statues that's not our thing that's not what we do here we pray we talk to god directly we don't worship false idols sure is it crazy to suppose that he was so against these false idols because some weird shit might start happening if you start building statues of jesus statues of the devil ah you're saying it's kind of like it turns out it's actually like santa claus if you just believe in it then it becomes magic so he's like hey no everyone needs to believe in me all right don't believe in the golden ox because he's actually starting to levitate yeah he's pretty op already the ox ox has got f***ing laser eyes now. Things are starting to heat up.

The ox has got 11 commandments. I don't know where that came from. That is a bit of a piss take, isn't it? That Moses freed the slaves from Egypt. Yep. You know, brought them across the parted ocean. Goat move. And he's like, hey, God told me I got to go get the commandments from up here.

I'll be back in 10 minutes tops. Okay, Moses, we'll just chill. We'll just like tell each other stories or something sure just like hold down the fort you know yeah we'll just like eat a eat a snack or something yeah i think there's some manna around here oh yeah go go enjoy that that's cool we'll eat that i'm pretty hungry actually and moses goes up there it's probably a giant sand dune, you know, so he's sweating his ass off. Takes a while, sure. He's got sand in his eyes. And then when he gets up there, God's like, hey, here's the Ten Commandments. I rid him on a stone, a slab.

So you're going to have to either drag it or ride that bitch back down the sand dune. And you can't talk back to God. So you're like, great, I love stones. Thank you, my Lord. I love giant slabs. And then as soon as he gets back, they're building a golden house. What the hell are you? Oh, hey, Moses.

We're just putting in the finishing touches over here. That was gone for like two seconds. Yeah, it's a beauty, isn't she? I was literally talking to God. God? But I'm building God. Oh, my. No. This is so is so also where'd you get the gold where'd you get the gold don't you have i have a ton we all have a ton of gold don't you have

some gold we've been walking for 25 straight days in the desert and you've been dragging a little exercise little stretching our legs you know but oh we got tons of gold tear it down tear it down we're just gonna we're just gonna move on all right before we do are there any other gods that you've been building out of gold i just want to get this i don't want to get it out of the way you don't want to address it now no i mean no no not gods exactly no right okay but that implies you have that there is something else we built well we should we we didn't just knock it out of the park the first time with this guy. So what? There's a couple of trials and they're pretty powerful now, actually.

Are they gods? They've become gods. They are become gods. So you didn't build more gods. So you didn't build more gods. You didn't want to build more gods, but there's a lot more gods where this one came from there's like a 20 foot golden giraffe are they all animals all the gods are just like in an old-timey episode of pyre rangers they're 60 foot tall and just punching the shit out of each other giant megazords a mech army of golden gods

it's like is that godzilla he was actually here when we got here we didn't build him all right so we've investigated a couple cases today but it's time to focus back on our main investigation the story of the malabon cemetery, as we know, to be a good paranormal investigator, you also have to sometimes, just sometimes, look at the logical explanations. So what would be the logical explanations as to why this devil statue is rumored to be alive? Well, a living relative of Bernardo claimed that the original statue had been replaced sometime in the 1970s because of the amount of destruction that had been caused. As a result, the statue was replaced with a new one allegedly around five inches bigger than the first. Ooh.

This one had also had its eyes painted yellow to make it even more frightening. If- if that's a fact that they-. That the guy who made the statue. Says I painted the eyes yellow. Yeah sure. That does mess with our evidence a little bit. It does yeah. Because you could definitely see how. You know someone who possibly lives nearby.

And goes to this graveyard. For a bi-weekly walk. Yeah. If one day they show up. And the statue that they've seen. A lot of times. Is now five inches taller with different eyes, you could understand how telling that story could snowball into the statue was growing or the statue is moved positions. Something that a statue, by definition, does not do. Yeah, it's kind of their thing.

I guess the weird one that we have to address is the cage itself now there is a logical explanation which we did discuss the fact that the statue has been destroyed it's been rocked it was also apparently a pretty popular place for druggies to shoot up under the sheltering eye of the devil i guess so they did have to close it off to the public but kit you've seen that cage that's like three cages that's the shit they use to to keep the dinosaurs in in jurassic park the reason you need a cage like that is if the critter you're dealing with is a slippery little serpent true or that that's the kind of cage you put on to stop

even the smallest pebbles from getting through and destroying the the artwork fair that's a fair counterpoint because because i was gonna say you're saying he can transform into a snake i was implying he could obviously transform into a snake he's the devil he probably breathes snakes i mean i feel like if he could just transform he could just i don't know turn into a gas and get out if he wants to at that point that's like a god tier move okay turning into gas he could turn into a pretty small snake but even not even that small like it's still a python because i think that's I think that's like a loophole. Is that like his ego is so big, he wouldn't even want to be a tiny snake. Yeah.

You know, he's like, he can't even escape because he's so big headed and obnoxious. He would never even let himself get small enough to get through. It's actually pretty, that's pretty cool. It's pretty poetic. That's pretty poetic, actually. You could probably, you could like write a poem about that. Because there's like a bit of that in all of us as well right the demons inside of us and how they'll never go away because like they they are too obnoxious and full themselves to that's

actually pretty good i don't know i don't know no that is i don't know that it is good because that is good and it would be called listening it would be called snake in a cage that would be that would probably be the name of it. What possibly is it? The song, the movie, I guess. Maybe the movie. No, no, the poem. It's not a movie.

You're right. It's not a movie. It depends how well the poem does. There's not enough substance to that idea at all. Movies normally... Well, even a song is three minutes long. I don't think there's enough substance. It's like a one-line little idea. I'm made think there's enough subs. It's like a one line little idea.

I'm made of stone. You're singing. I'm so alone. I can't. I can't. This is bad. You know this is bad. You're putting me under pressure and I can't.

I find it hard to sing. I feel like if I don't put you under pressure, it's still going to be bad. In fact, I'm going to try that. I can't submerge my rage i'm feeling like a red hot demonic burning snake in a cage yes i was right still not good okay and you can try to cage me. Ow. So loud. You can try to break me down. Can we just end the podcast? But I am not a tomb.

Are you trying to prolong the no at the end of this episode? I am not a clown. Would you stop, please? Because obviously I think we can both agree it's going to be a double no this week. And I think the poem, the song, and the movie will soften the blow. You're going gonna recite a movie act one scene one oh lucifer's in the cage that's the whole movie is this like some spoilers man this is like some modern play where the entire thing takes place inside the cage yeah it's one

actor performing every role i guess and then they'll probably eventually want to turn it into like a hamilton style you know what let's go back to the song that would be a lot better than the stage adaptation and the hamilton one will be like you know a retelling of the grave and it'll be like what do you mean the hamilton one there'll be like a musical version of the show bernardo hamilton there's a million things he hasn't done so you've so you've gone from writing one verse to a three minute song to writing a two-hour musical of like 15 numbers an idea this good can't be put in a cage actually that's a pretty good idea for an that's what you're trying to do yeah idea in a cage biography about who i guess me probably why would it be you you you have nothing to do with the story i feel like i'm in a cage i'm in a cage of emotion which actually was covered in the poem

and the song if you ever listen to it i'm trying to listen to it it doesn't exist yet and the rap is gonna be the bell of the ball how about the investigation before we spent the last oh my god a really a rap beat oh you can't rap and do the beat at the same time and i'm trying and i know you're not gonna do the beat so i'm gonna have to do all of it you're right i'm not gonna do the beat all right cage it's a snake I want you to I want you to be belted a high-level cake jerk cage here we go all day and he's leaving the way cuz you know, Renato's in the motherfucking tomb all day. And he's slaving away. Because you know he's going to stay in the ground.

Going to stay out of town in the graveyard. Yeah, he's pretty far out there. What's bad in the cage? In the motherfucking cage. It's a devil. It's a devil. It's a snake man. And he's wriggling.

But he's too big to get through the holes. And he's too sick. Yeah. He's got horns and a little pitchfork. And he's jamming in St. Michael's big goat head. Oh yeah, with the motherf***ing devils in the guelgo cage and he's gonna take you out any day. You know what? F*** it. I said no to the stage adaptation.

I said no to the movie. I said no to the book rights. I said no to everything. But the rap? Yeah. That was dope. It was awful. Oh, you like that? That was the worst one for me, personally.

I'm really invested in the stage performance. Okay, bro. Well, we can work on that, but let's just... The rap. We'll start with the rap. We'll start with the rap. And build it from there. Look, guys, it's time for conclusions.

We've dilly-dallied for far too long here. Kit, what do you think? It's a... Don't you say double no. You can't just say that. I need to say it. It's a no. Of course.

It's a double no. So it is a double no. This is a great case. Thank you to Ace for sending this in. I had a blast researching this and learning more about the philippines and its paranormal history this was really cool guys if you have your own stories that you'd like us to investigate and write dope rap songs about please get in touch and write an email to this paranormal life podcast at gmail.com thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of this paranormal life guys

if you enjoyed the show just as much as we enjoy making it we don't run ads on the podcast what we do have is our patreon patreon.com where you can support the show on a number of different tiers and another way to support the show you know if you don't want to splash the cash, is simply just going onto the iTunes store, onto the podcast store, and dropping us a review if you do enjoy it. That helps spread the word, helps get the show out there,

and we get more people for the paranormal commune and more people listening to the show. Everybody's a winner. And if you do support us on Patreon and get those juicy, juicy bonus episodes, what we like to do is give you a little shout out at the end of the episode. So, thank you to...

Joseph McAllister. Joseph McAllister, the A-lister. Ooh. This guy's on every red carpet. He's at every paparazzi photo shoot. How does he get in? Because he's a f***ing A-lister. Oh, right.

They invite him. I will say, though, no one knows what he does. I don't know what he does. I think, I'm not sure he's even, I'm not sure he's actually famous. Okay. I think he might be faking it. I think he might be a scammer. It's the best kind of fame.

Joseph, I would love to know the secrets to your fame so that the people in here in the commune would respect me more. Sure. So throw a couple our way, why don't you? Thank you too, Tom O'Brien. That's right, Tom O'Krying Brian. He has... Well, you should make fun of him

because he has a unique medical condition. Right, yeah. In which... Yeah, it is boo-hoo. Because he has a unique medical condition. Right, yeah. In which... Oh, boo-hoo. Yeah, it is boo-hoo because he has to... He has to cry. He's been crying since the day he was born. I didn't know that when we... I'm sorry.

I wouldn't have made... Between you and me, though, he's a bit of a crybaby. He's a bit of a... Because he's a bit of like, Oh, everyone should feel sorry for me. Wah, wah, wah. He doesn't say that so much, but that's the vibe I get. Yeah.

Thank you to Eric B. feel sorry for me why why why he doesn't say that so much but that's the vibe i get yeah thank you to eric b eric b is actually a lot nicer than his twin brother derrick wasp all right no did you know eric b uh he loves flowers he makes honey honey yeah um derrick wasp can only stab sting you once and he dies and he's pretty keen on stinging someone so Eric you're living a good life here. Don't be like Derek. Yeah be more like Eric. Thank you also to Vincent Vincent I don't want your Vincents. I want your Vindollars That's right, buddy. We need to crank up the donations this month all right because kit and i have pretty expensive tastes we've recently got into drones all right and if there's one thing i know about drones and i haven't researched them a lot but they're pretty

expensive vincent and i don't take cheap drones that's because we're not into just your regular amazon.com drones we're into u.s military drones exactly these things are like 10 million dollars a piece i can sit on it and fly myself around like professor x all right vincent at mac 3 i blacked out at mac 2 so the joy is lost on me and who are you vincent to deprive us of that experience thank you to sean hicks sean hicks owner of lawnpix.com this was a kind of dot-com boom era website where people would it was a social network where you'd share pictures of of your garden and needless to say got bought out by zuckerberg day one of course and has been living like a Billy Yenair ever since Wow of a lawn pick on picks. That's right. That's incredible. Well done They say he's got a green thumb

Thank you also to Rory's mom Alright, let's move on Move on. All right, that's enough's enough that's enough i didn't say anything bro move past it i won't have my mother attacks like this on the podcast i'm pretty sure this is your mom though silence just why are you silencing me she would try to tell you and i both know she would never support me financially or emotionally I think she is oh shit think she's trying to get through think she's trying to like maybe make a man Oh, maybe there's no way there's no way that snake in a cage

Whatever that's a pretty awful way to be talked about you're very from what I'm seeing here very financially supportive mother Actually, well she owes me is you know? She hasn't paid she forgot to pay my rent this month for a start so she does support you enormously she was two days late she was two days late in the support of that my mobile payments that was early she does those too yeah she does a lot of things gym clothes i'm gonna cancel this this is too dare you cancel my mother's support thank Thank you to Jennifer Gold. Jennifer is a human being made entirely out of gold. Whoa.

Unfortunately, due to the acid in the surrounding trees, has turned completely black. Oh. Like the night sky, like a black hole. Right. Just no light goes in, nothing comes on. Yeah. Borderline transparent.

So the irony is so cruel. She went from so visible and eye-catching in the gold color to borderline invisible now. Yeah. It's a cruel world. Wow. Thank you to Chris Burke. More like Chris Smirk. Because Chris is always up to something.

Always got a little ace up their sleeve. Wipe that goddamn smirk off your face, Chris. Son of a bitch. Tell me what you're up to. This is the house of the Lord, alright? Which we have proven. And there's no time for smirking. There's no time for false idols or golden oxes.

But also, thank you for your... He actually donated a very large golden ox. Oh, we'll take that. We will take that. We will take that. Thank you too. Caitlin, good day. Good day, Caitlin.

How's it going, mate? Oh, I didn't say good day. I said... Huh? Good day. Good day. Yeah, good day, mate. Good day, Caitlin.

It's close, but... How do you like my flawless Australian accent? I don't think she's Australian at all, actually. Thanks for the support. Thanks for your support and listening to this podcast. Oh, Christ. Thank you to Matt Holcomb. Matt, how come you're so damn sexy?

Interesting. How come? I don't understand, you know? Sometimes you look at a guy, Ryan Reynolds, Ryan Gosling. Mostly Ryan's. It is. Matt's one of those guys you look at a guy ryan reynolds ryan gosling mostly ryan's it is matt's one of those guys you look at and you're like damn how how come you're so hot they won't answer because of the restraining you can't hear me because of the restraining order there's a restraining i'm like 50 feet close i'm like 50 feet away at this point thank you to joe dalton joe dalton is just your average joe you know just he's just an average

guy living an average life well he does hold a couple of world records actually but other than that there's a couple just a regular guy living well actually he does a pretty pretty secretive job actually well he's an olympic athlete and oh well that's just on the side but what he does for a day job is even more nuts but other than that just a normal guy cool i can't tell you because it's too fantastic and also he's actually had a pretty illustrious it's too fantastic you called him average joe at the start he's an average looking guy except for well he wasn't a couple like on he was an underwear model for a year or two so he's not a very long underwear modeling career sure but other than that he's fantastic he's got two kids granted the two kids are overachievers but you know other than that normal family average joe kind of stuff

okay like one is an astronaut the other is does a pretty famous actor actually but all right so he's the least average person he's not he's very average he's's extremely average. He makes a very normal amount of money. Except for that he won the lottery one week. What? Anyway, Joe, happy to have a normal guy just sitting in the bar right there in the middle for everyone here in the comments. Oh, my God. Thank you to Carly Devine. Carly, you are simply divine.

Just as we mentioned to one of our patrons earlier, you are a smoke show. You are gorgeous. Dime piece. An absolute beauty. Of course, you cannot hear this as the restraining order. It is in effect. It is in effect.

I am hundreds, nay, thousands of yards away. Court ordered. But let it be known that you are beautiful. It's pretty alarming that this is this is the first time you know whenever we shot people it's the first time i'm being introduced to their name for sure you seem to already have a long and disturbing relationship with all these people yes i am on first and last name basis with many of them as that is how you're supposed to address them in court. Legally. Full name. Thank you also to Dan.

Dan is the man with the plan. No matter what you're doing, even if it's just to go into the kitchen and make a sandwich, Dan is like, alright, here's how it's gonna go down. It rolls the map down. It's like, Jacob, you're gonna enter the kitchen from the window. I've attached lasers to your glasses which will

emit a sonar i already made the sandwich what i already did the thing that i said i was gonna do we didn't need a plan it was just it would take two seconds all right um okay i spent i spent like six grand on the late on the glasses on the laser glasses is there any okay well they're non-refundable i I left the store and said they asked me what I needed them for. I said classified and I shot the store clerk. No trails, baby.

You told me. That's a trail right there. I could go to the police right now. You're right, it is. He puts on the glasses. But you're right. Oh, my eyes. He hits the sandwich instead oh shit i didn't calibrate the bitch all right here's the plan rachel you're gonna go on the internet and learn how to calibrate laser glass rachel's gone she left as soon as you obliterated the sandwich thank you to amy harper harp the harold amy sings uh-oh glory to

the new born queen amy herself that's right she is singing about how dope she is and i'm fine with that that's like some kanye shit it's like some rapper shit i'm the greatest yeah yeah exactly and you know what amy you are the greatest. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. And you know what, Amy? You are the greatest. And you would probably hear it more often if you would just release me from the restraining order. Okay. I'm seeing a pattern here. Thank you to Randall Collier.

Randall Collier is a random caller. That's right. The buttons on his phone are broken as shit. He tries to call his mom. It calls the police. He tries to call his mom. It calls the police. He tries to call the police. It calls Jamaica. There is no rhyme nor reason

to this guy's calling pattern. Does it at least call the Jamaican police? No. There were only two options. I don't know why it took you so long to respond to that. It either did or it didn't call the Jamaican police. Well, there's like a delay.

I had to wait to see whether he connected to the police. He's doing it now? He's phoning now? We might get a... Uh-oh. Randall? No, it's my mom. Oh, okay.

No, Randall, this time. Thank you, lastly, but not leastly, to David Emery. David Emery is running out of mammary. He has to remove data from his own brain just to be able to remember new facts. So if he wants

to learn to drive, he has to forget where his house is. It's a real, as we said, monkey paw situation here. You want to learn? To speak French You've got to forget what your wife's face looks like you want to memorize some new maps and cod You got to forget your own mother and father. Yeah, which is worth it. By the way. He does a lot of that shit

He offloaded a lot of family and friends early pretty easy to do it that way and now he knows the best family and friends early pretty easy to do it that way and now he knows the best spawn points in shipment all right i've seen that guy call in an attack helicopter within 10 seconds and you would think that's a small amount of data it is not you need to forget 14 years of education yeah so thank you david and thank you to everyone that we have shouted out on the podcast so far thank you for those who tuned in i hope you had a great time this week. We had a great time investigating it. There's nothing more to say, guys. We had a blast.

Hopefully you did too. And we will see you next week for a brand new episode of This Paranormal Life. Ciao.