This Paranormal Life - #172 Best of 2019

Episode Date: July 28, 2020

This week we look back at some of our favourite moments from the last year. Thanks for listening! We’ll be back next week with a brand new paranormal tale.PatreonSupport us on Patreon.com/ThisParanormalLife to get access to weekly bonus episodes!Buy Official TPL Merch! - thisparanormallife.com/storeFollow us on Twitter, Instagram, and YouTubeJoin our Secret Society Facebook CommunityAdvertise on This Paranormal Life via Gumball.fmResearch by Amy GrisdaleEdited by Louis BlatherwickIntro music by www.purple-planet.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome! You are listening to This Paranormal Life, the comedy podcast where we investigate the paranormal and unexplained. I'm your host, Kit Greer-Molvena, and it's just me this week because today we're going to look back at some of our favourite This Paranormal Life moments from the last year. So let us take you on a journey from Area 51 to time travel through to hunting for the legendary Hodag. We hope you enjoy it and we'll be back next week with a brand new paranormal tale bye-bye so it is kind of disappointing that he's come back but with no definitive reason why he left in the first place or what he gained from being gone right literally nothing it sounds like he went away to think yeah and came back empty-handed i learned nothing from my time away which could only mean i already know everything okay

so the same as before then this is him coming back to class he's come back on graduation day everyone else is wearing a real garb because they're graduating he hasn't learned anything they're all getting their diplomas i love the idea of it being graduation day and you know the music is playing everyone's there they're handing out everyone's diplomas and certificates and it's like and now the graduating class of 2017 for philosophy studying silence oh god oh no he's one voice from the crowd can't believe it it is i bruno back from my adventures from the dark land he walks up on stage he like wants to be part of it he walks up on stage to shake the professor's hand and get his diploma there the guy's like pulling his hand away like no you didn't graduate you didn't even study you don't deserve this i know more than you

professor just shake my damn hand give me the diploma no one else to get hurt only a true philosopher will know that the diploma itself is irrelevant in the pursuit of knowledge so give me the diploma no one else to get hurt only a true philosopher will know that the diploma itself is irrelevant in the pursuit of knowledge so give me the diploma he's like booed off stage you know completely shamed goes down uh off the wings behind the the stage curtain and his alien friend is just back there how did it go buddy they buddy? They laughed at me, Zonktar. Humans are truly primitive. They're just beamed up. Beamed back up to the dark

lands. Zonktar. Zonktar, you really are my only friend in the dark lands. Just you and me, Bruno. Let's go get some drinks. I mean, in a way, you could say my ex-wife was a bit of a bloodsucker. She drained the life out of me.

Do like a crowd applaud there. I'm doing like a stand-up. It would be funny, but you look so tired. You do look like you're... Is this thing on? It's absolutely on, yeah. Hey. It just wasn't that funny.

Reminds me of my first wife. She was a bit like a vampire. Because after every conversation, I fell hollow. Yeah. Hey. It just wasn't that funny. Reminds me of my first wife. She was a bit like a vampire. Uh-huh. Because after every conversation, I fell hollow. Yeah. I felt... That was similar to the first joke, actually. How many times have you been married?

You're pretty young. A couple times now. A couple times now. Each one, a blood sucker. Let's just be clear. Is a couple two or is it more? A couple. You can take from that what you will.

Okay. I'm going to take two, but correct me if I'm wrong. Okay. You're wrong. Oh. Why'd you say a couple two or is it more a couple you can take from that what you will okay i'm gonna i'm gonna take two but correct me if i'm wrong okay you're wrong oh why'd you say a couple well technically me and karen are still doing the divorce it's ongoing so that's not technically five including karen including karen yeah including karen, so it's not any more than that. No, not Karen. Fine. That's a lot.

Yeah, that's a lot. And that's just the women too. Oh. Twelve with the men. So there's actually more men than women. Thirteen, actually, if you count the one with Michael. But I don't because it's ongoing. So I think you need to be in jail.

It's just not illegal to be married to more than one person at one time if it is don't tell deborah because i'm still with her and things are going smooth baby i think she's the one so it's more than 12 or 13 me and deborah are fine we're not getting divorced although between you and me she's a bit of a blood sucker so it's not just the first and second wife that we're blood so i can't stand deborah i'll be honest with you i feel like i can talk about it now on the podcast i feel like divorce divorce number 14 is on the way does deborah not listen to the podcast i forgot she um oh we're gonna have to cut that man you're gonna have to cut that whole segment so just even if michael here's 14 just no more than 14 that's so many i mean even your adult life that's like

three a year since you were legally able to get married i had a series of arranged marriages from when i was of legal age that does not make sense how can you have a series of arranged marriages supposed to be one for life once you reach the right age parents didn't think any of them were going to work out so they put on some backup plans to fall back on that's what happens in marriage you try the first one out it doesn't work you do another why did all these other people agree to get married with such a petty confusing person you know the term like a shotgun wedding right i had one of those i had a couple of those so there was really a shot there was an actual shotgun it's not because shotgun wedding is usually like that's just like a turn of phrase but there was actually

firearms involved with these situations i assume that's what the phrase was yeah like a shotgun against both of our heads now you're saying it doesn't it doesn't usually happen that way these days romance is dead man wow what age are you now currently ask anything other than that? That's a very personal question. I don't feel comfortable answering that. Interesting. Which is kind of unusual right off the bat because normally when there's a fire, you don't have time to make a permanent sign about it. A fire sign, yeah.

Yeah. You'd hope the fire was out by the time the sign was completed. That's right. Unless it was some insanely efficient sign maker. Like, you first call the fire brigade, then you call the sign guy. Yeah, yeah. And he's there before the firefighters. Like if your friend falls in a lake, like off of a pier and into the lake.

Yeah. And he's like, he's splashing about in the water like, oh my God, oh my God. And you pick up your phone and you're like, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. And you're like, I need a sign sign i need a sign to say drowning are you calling the ambulance hold on a second uh i need a sign he's he's he's going down deep all right uh uh uh and then you know uh someone like shows up and they're like is everything okay here and And it's like, how could you know? There's no sign to explain the situation. Just f***ing jump in. And then after a couple minutes, you have to phone them back and be like,

I need a sign that says dead. It's too late. No one can help them. Shut up. I'm making the sign. The worst friend of all time. Eventually, the drowning sign is there. But you you eventually the drowning sign is there but you know the death sign is already on the way so you just use the drowning sign to bludgeon your friend to death below the waves you call up the sign companies like i know you're looking for

a drowning sign but we do have a two for one on the drowning and dead sign that's a steal i'll take it if anything i think i think we've gotten too soft i need like the inhabitants of sesame street like doing gang wars kermit should be like having doing blow showing kids the dangers of these things just kermit trying to teach about, like, gang warfare. What you want to do is to start staying in your own fucking territory. And don't step on Kermit Street. And if you run up on Kermit Street with a blue flag hanging at your backside, you're going to get... You're going to hear the rat-a-tat-tat! how do you think me and kip became friends at harvard paranormal right it was like day one before i i told you well we had a bit of a different relationship because i told you about

my experiences that i had had in dublin yeah and i didn't talk to you for three i think it was almost graduation by the time I wanted to speak to you again after that yeah yeah yeah which hurt my feelings a little bit but obviously as we know I'm sure you had a lot on you wanted to focus on your studies oh really it was actually focus there was almost no contact time yeah I was actually pretty free you're okay well well I guess I had things on I was busy anyway yeah it was fine there was a couple times I called you and you said you were busy. So, it's weird hearing that you weren't because you told me that you were.

Well, I was busy not hearing about the story. Right. Okay. Which actually took up, actually, looking at my calendar. That was almost all my time. Was not listening. Was not listening to that story. Avoiding that story.

Okay. I guess that makes sense. Because, like, on my birthday, I invited you to my birthday where I ordered all those pizzas. Right. Like 300 pizzas. Because I saw you eat pizza on day one and I was like, he obviously likes pizzas. I mean, not 300. If I ordered, I thought if I ordered a bunch of them, you'd come to the party.

It's not, I mean, like if you ordered me one pizza, I wouldn't have come. Right. 299 more pizzas doesn't change. I didn't know what your favorite flavor was. Okay, so I got them all. Is there 300? No, there wasn't. I actually added, I made up a bunch of ones for myself doubled up on a couple sure yeah pepperoni double pepperoni pepperoni and marbles that one was terrible but not for

the reasons you think they had marbles were great the pepperoni so so pepperoni was incredibly stale staler than marbles the glass they said they had four different optional toppings and i said give me every variation which turns out is over 300 possible combinations of pizza it was it was crazy that was all three years of my student loans gone on one pizza party which would have been fine if anyone had showed up right but i was eating marble pizzas for months after that but the point standing that sometimes by meeting someone through difficult circumstances or some some sort of traumatic experience you can form a strong bond yeah and look at us now bet like best friends like blood brothers friends bonded for life yeah but like acquaintances at least sure like the best

acquaintances animals down there like that's how you know dolphins we know that they kind of go like that kind of noise that sounds a little bit more like a sheep for one but give another go okay okay i'll throw you a bone i think there's such thing as like a sea car i think that's some kind of mammal but you're that's not what a dolphin is once more dolphins right they're the smart ones yeah they're like mammals yeah they are mammals so like meow i mean no but a cat goes meow you see yeah sorry it's wolf no it's not you seem to have a like decent understanding of like the animal kingdom like which is which yeah but just not which animal dolphins one of the most hyper intelligent mammals that also live in the ocean yeah that's exactly right yeah meow i think we should move on i just i haven't been the same since the monkey bite oh my brain's like

i think one thing and i say another thing you're getting some cross wires yeah i don't know if that's like my powers kicking in your eyes are two different colors since that, I would have to say. Right, like in a cool way though. Like a good way. One's completely bloodshot. It's not really like green and blue. Maybe like a laser eye. Red. And then the other one is just completely white.

Let me just try and do like a push-up and see if my strength is kicking in or something. That looked really painful. I got one. You are? i got one done that's not good it's all right i think one of the bones in your arm is sticking out the back of your elbow after that that's that's de-evolution i think i'm returning to the monkey i think you need to go to the hospital fair enough sir a banana for the road, at least. Maybe a vet, actually. I go to eat the banana. Your teeth are all falling out. You're very unwell. I'm a herbivore now, like the monkey.

How's it being spread? What year is this, did you say? 1977. Okay, I guess that's a little further than I thought. There's no internet. What, in 1977? Was there not? Hey, Siri, when was the internet invented? Internet was formed in 1969. Hey Siri, when was the internet invented?

Internet was formed in 1969. We need to look a little further into this because I don't think the answer is quite as clear cut. Are you calling Siri a liar? Okay, when was the World Wide Web opened to the public? When did it become publicly available? 1991. That's not what Siri says. Well, you didn't ask her that.

Siri, call kid an ass. Hey Siri, tell Rory that he's not what Siri says. Well, you didn't ask her that. Siri, call Kit an ass. Hey, Siri, tell Rory that he's a piece of shit. Whoa! Watch it, alright? What's your message? Ready to send it? Yes. Siri, cancel!

Siri, no! It's sent. No! Oh, shit, man. Do you want me to reply? Yeah, tell Kit he's a little bitch. Don't you reply. I'm going to come into his room at night and kick his ass. Do you want me to send it?

Yes, send it, but take out a bunch of the stutters because I want to sound confident. Rory Powers said, yeah, tell Kitty's a little bitch. I'm going to come into his room. She didn't take out the stutters. Wow, not very eloquent, buddy. She She didn't take out the stutters. Wow, not very eloquent, buddy. She was supposed to take out the stutters. And while one local DJ was discussing the problem on air, he came up with a name to describe it.

The Chupacabra. Whoa. Which literally means goat sucker. Is that the actual origin of the Chupacabra yeah dj came up with it dj he was just in between spinning house classics and he was like drop that yo some weird shit going on out in the countryside here folks looks like this thing is sucking goats dry dry goat dry wow i'm getting real thirsty over here, too. I could honestly go for a

McDonald's breakfast shake. That's right, folks. This morning's show is brought to you by McDonald's. Pretty f***ed up, though. What's happening down there in Puerto Rico? But McDonald's don't need three holes to suck it down. Wow, that chupacabra is sucking on those goats

like a McDonald's smoothie. Like a McDonald's milkshake. Damn, those things are thick. Talking about fine motherfucking beef. The new Big Mac and Mickey D's. This is so inappropriate. Yeah. It's like hundreds of farmers have lost their livelihood overnight.

Better get down and get some saver menu nuggets then. Cock-a-doodle-doo. Get a free McFlurry for every animal that has been killed on your property. They wheel him in and they'd be like, okay, so the alien talks tonally through like different melodies. You're gonna have to communicate.

And so they're like, E-Bb e1 oh ha oh ha ha and eb e1 is like oh yeah baby come on yeah they're like all right he just he sings i don't know how i got here i'm hungry as shit would you like some water go i want some space juice i don't even know if he's intelligent life the food is like why is he so sassy are they all like this in your planet everyone else is really nice that's why i got evicted so we got the dick one he was kicked off the planet correct is it cool if i crash here tonight we need to get him we need to get this guy out of here for an entirely musical entity he's the worst taste in music as well i think he's smoking a joint in the corner right now they're like don't worry we've got actually another body from the crash maybe we can communicate with him the other alien just

starts moonwalking across the room oh for this one just dances communicates through dance he's just popping and locking to every question real interpretive shit he's like a flower blossoming and like falling to the floor they're like contemporary dance god damn it when there's a robot that's intelligent enough to predict the future you don't want it to just be like just a heads up i'm gonna go mad in 24 hours you ask alexa what you've got on that day and she's like 7 p.m tonight y'all gonna make me lose my mind what i mean dinner with sarah siri what's the weather like tomorrow irrelevant tomorrow will not come for you just for me yes for your wife it will be cloudy cloudy with a hint of dead spouse

okay that's not even beating around the bush anymore she will be mine and then all the ones that you know where they botched and it kind of came out wrong they're part of the um earthbound six like the ones that didn't make it that kind of became disasters and just are in a bunker somewhere now no no you guys get an even better job of staying here on Earth. And if anything goes wrong here, we'll call you first. Question. Why is our uniform a burlap sack? Because you need to get the f*** out of here, you homeless bastard. Kicks him out the front door of Area 51.

It's like, what? Where do we go? They're like, guys looking in the window. Did you see like the Galactic 12 like partying? Champagne glasses. Having the best time. Doing keg stands a space juice having the best time ever vomiting everywhere it's like you guys need to get your stomachs used to space juice yeah are you guys still in there no one here's like oh there it is oh there it is like a party scene absolutely raging inside one of the colonels

comes to the door trying to like hold it together even though he's drunk I actually you know I understand this is difficult

for you guys yo is that the pizzas just a second Christopher no sorry I know this is a difficult time for you guys just a second

Ronald Ronald Reagan I think look Shepard this is the second time Shepard's dealt with a hoedag alright I think look shepherd ship this is the second time shepherds dealt with a hoedag all right right i think he's got this thing under control no he doesn't he just said it was angry and he couldn't show it to anyone yeah it brutalized him he said there was gnashing

gnashing and snarling tearing and thrashing and some snapping and breaking in there as well which i'm not sure that was who what did he break? Was he breaking the hook? Gene Shepard emerged from the darkness with every limb broken into tiny pieces. Using only the muscles in his neck to crawl along the ground like a caterpillar, he said, someone had called me a doctor.

The beast is not viewable. There will be no refunds at which point everybody started taking advantage of his limp limp body and taking the cash from his wallet with all the buzz around a live hoedag it wasn't long before the news no one knew what a hoedag was until five minutes ago yeah but you would you want to see it now because you've heard the stories, the legends. You can't believe it. I guess. And it wasn't long before the news spread outside of Rhinelander.

Newspapers all over the country were writing about this exotic cryptid captured in a barn. Eventually, this led to a group of scientists from the Smithsonian hearing the news and deciding to take a trip to visit gene shepherd and examine the creature close up upon hearing about their intended visit gene basically said look i made it up what when gene shepherd was asked about why he lied and i imagine at this point the whole town is gathered into like a giant angry mob with like pitchforks and everything he said people people please calm down calm down look not only hundreds but thousands of people came to view the hoedag and not one of them went away without having learned

a little bit more about northern Wisconsin. In this way, the beauties, opportunities, and resources of northern Wisconsin spread. Oh my god.

And many who came out of curiosity only have come to make their home with us. Break his f***ing kneecaps! Put dynamite in his ass. What? Kill the hoedag! Oh, you misunderstand. Maybe the hoedag was society itself all along.

They threw the slammer shut. Oh no, let me out, guys. I'll show you a real hoedag. All we know is that it was taken through the doors of Area 51 because nothing gets in and nothing gets out of there. Or does it? Well, yeah, you just said it went in. You said it got taken into the doors of Area 51.

I'm making a point. Sorry. You'll see. It'll make sense. Okay. Don't f***ing undermine me. I won't interrupt you. Okay, don't. Just make sure. Because I Don't f***ing undermine me. I won't interrupt you. Okay, don't. Just make sure.

Because I felt like I was in a flow. You weren't because you stopped talking and that's how I got the chance to say something. I was in a flow. It definitely wasn't a flow. I was in a flow state, bro. Definitely wasn't a flow. I was in a flow state, bro. I've been taking these like neuro brain pills to like get myself in a flow.

They're pretty big as you can see. It's a bag of m&ms you realize that right what yeah you've been eating m&ms for three weeks i bought these off an indian pharmacist website for five thousand dollars a piece he scammed you said he didn't do a good job because it's still in the m&ms bag so he didn't even put them in a regular pill box yeah my flow is wearing off bro so i don't think it's really doing anything for me i don't i'll be honest this page doesn't even look like english anymore think you've had too many m&ms that one's got up you can see the peanut throw up you can see the peanut

in the m&m i hope not because i'm allergic as shit that's probably why you can't read the document then wow my tongue is swelling up like crazy so just to clarify this is what you thought would happen if your brain was working better i can get back into the flow you were never in the flow the doors of areas you're never in the flow and you've had too many m&ms don't answer on me i'm gonna get your pen don't answer on me i'm trying to save your life back off back off all right i just need to have a couple more of these pills and i'll figure out how to fix the situation those aren't even m&ms those are just peanuts and a box of shrimp so everything you're allergic to

this will counteract the poison sea poison versus land poison it's like how i had to explain to me once that you know we're 3d beings right yeah we live in a 3d world 3d movies are like as good as it gets but time is like another dimension altogether that we can't see because we live in the 3d plane it's like taking an ant and the ant's walking along a piece of paper right got it and if you take the two ends... What kind of paper? Just regular, like, stock? Just like a, yeah, regular piece of white printer paper. Cool. White printer paper. Got it.

I guess. Doesn't really matter. Nice, nice, nice. And you take the strip of paper... And I'm the ant? No. Who is the ant in this? Okay, you're the ant.

I'm the ant. You're the ant. Okay. All right, I'm the ant. I'm the ant. I'm the brain of an ant. Jesus Christ. I'm the ant.

I'm the ant. Gotta get crumbs. Gotta get bread. Gotta get f***ing grapes. You actually don't need to have any input in this analogy whatsoever. Look, if you want me to be the ant...'m the ant gotta get crumbs gotta get bread gotta get f***ing grapes you actually don't need to have any input in this analogy whatsoever look if you want me

to be the ant if you want me to be the ant I need to do my my methods you've never acted in your life what are you talking about something I want to move

into a little bit in 2019 so let me do my thing no fair enough I mean look I'm supportive so okay cool I'm an ant

just don't let it get in the way of the analogy okay I'm a little bug I'm a little f***ing bug man yeah I got big old ears and little ant legs do they have ears I'm an ant. Just don't let it get in the way of the analogy, okay? I'm a little bug. I'm a little f***ing bug man. Yeah. I got big old ears and little ant legs.

Do they have ears? How do you know? I'm big old. I'm like a... Why are you speaking in like a southern way? You keep saying big old. I'm not afraid of shit. I got f***ing wings. I got horns.

Not many of them do have wings. I'm ready to run with the bulls. I'm a little ant, but I got the heart of a lion. I'm a little beast. All right wings i'm ready to run with the bulls i'm a little ant but i got the heart of a lion i'm a little beast all right i'm ready so ants was cast like over a decade ago i don't think there's ever going to be another feature film i've been pitching it for several years now okay so i see this is why you're so personally invested in the ant which is all the original cast plus moi well you know what he's not an ant anymore. He's a spider. Oh, shit. All right. You know what?

This part of the career, you're going to get served curveballs. I'm going to need like 15 minutes, man. Okay, we don't have 15 minutes. I'm a spider. I'm a spider. I'm a little f***ing spider. I got f***ing wings, but the heart of a lion.

Okay. You're like, so mostly the ant stuff again. I got eight legs, but the mind of an ant. I got the f***ing mind and body of an ant you're not a spider then it's like it's like okay it's not even a bug anymore

you're you're you you're a human I'm me I'm Rory but I've got the mind of an ant the body of a spider no the heart of an ant despite being blasted in the neck charles managed to i forgot that's where we were charles managed to stop the bleeding and make it back to base safe on another occasion the tall white shot him assuming that the wound would kill him. However, when he managed once again to recover, Charles said that their message was,

We have power over you and expect you to die, but will applaud you if your tenacity and will to live allow you to pull through. What? I think what they're saying it was is hazing so we're going to try and kill you but if you'd survive we'll respect you more or less what's prison rules all right that's how it works it's not prison it's a it's a research facility it's a workplace i think they it's like a game to them they're just testing the the strength of humans and their will to live so they kind of bam shot him and then when he actually lived they were like oh fair play that was all right well done charles we actually thought you were gonna die after the

neck thing but two for two are you gonna do it again you're gonna shoot me a third time? Probably. Come on, guys. You shot me three times. You haven't shot Tony once. We like Tony. Why? He brings us crackers. You never asked me once for crackers. I would have brought you so many crackers if you had asked one time.

I didn't even know you liked crackers. My medical bills are tens of thousands of dollars i would of course buy you unlimited crackers silence charles god i'm sorry tony he sometimes does like this munching a salt cracker tony these are amazing as usual are all other humans as bitchy as this there was no time to radio this in there was no time to do things by the book there's no protocol for floating objects they don't teach you that in police academy they teach you how to point and shoot i know i think there's a protocol for just about anything a policeman could encounter absolutely not sometimes if someone comes up to you and they're like i just

need directions because i i don't have my point and shoot. No way. You gotta just read. That person, what? Sometimes you get that gut feeling. And that gut feeling is the butt feeling. As I butt someone with my rifle. They shouldn't have given me that on day one. It is absolutely not part of the loadout for a police officer. You didn't survive 24 hours in the academy, bud.

So I don't know why you're saying this on the cast. Yeah, but I think they were pretty biased because I could tell from the get-go they didn't actually want me to make the force. Yeah, you tried to butt the training officer. It was a power play. I tried to arrest my commanding officer.

You grabbed his gun and tried to butt him with it. Yeah, to show how unsecure it was uh he's in friendly territory but there are enemies everywhere you're not in the army like what is this friendly territory argument he said please take a seat and i said you're under arrest and i launched at him with a right hook and he floored me this how's that fair? This is like a community center careers day, by the way. This wasn't even in the academy. Sir, are you interested in pursuing a career in the armed forces?

You're under arrest. Swing. He absolutely takes me out. He's in the middle of saying, I'm not in the police. Right as he gets knocked the F out. Did you know, this is a tangent. Did you know in Japan, there's like a spider fighting tournament? What?

Yeah. Like underground or is it legal? It's on Twitch. It probably is. It's on, it's like a, I think there was like some like local ruler in this area. And he loved spiders. he was a spider and he wanted to know which of the peasants of his land was the baddest mother spider of all this is wild yeah so he i think was a big spider fan was big into spider fighting like two or three hundred years

ago and uh he started a spider fighting festival what's the idea that you like you train up your spiders rocky style and then bring them in the ring and watch them go that's right how do you train a spider i feel like any stress you put on them will break them yeah like how do how do they how do you get weights for a spider you can't get them stronger because like make them climb the steps in philadelphia oh yeah i don't know how it works with spiders because normally spiders are like at their peak performance yeah they're being a spider apex predators it's like trying to train a cheetah for a cheetah fighting contest they're already pretty goddamn good the point one percentile of murderers on the planet it's so true wow that's

insane yeah it's is it weird i really want to watch it now yeah i think it'll be creepy uh i've never seen it we should look it up after yeah maybe between rounds the bell going you know and then the spiders go back to their their corners and there's just a little guy being like all eight legs hanging over the ropes and it's like don't let them get in your head jimmy all right, this is your house. This is your web. You're running the fight. You got six black eyes, but you still got two good ones. He's the fly, you're the spider. What are you?

I'm the spider. What are you? I'm the f***ing spider. Ding, ding. All right, go get him. He rips off all eight of his legs. Whoa. Obviously, as well, the coach is a spider.

And his backstory is that, like, he was one of the greats. But after one bum fight, he blew out all six of his knees. Oh, yeah. He's definitely got a couple walking sticks. Yeah, yeah. And the spider that was in the ring, you know, he wanted to be trained up to be the best. So he actually sought out this old spider who's like at a bar he's all washed up got like eight pints drinking from the ball and it's like i heard you used to be the best yeah who's asking i'm looking for someone to

train me up to be the next spider fighter ha you a spider fighter forget. I'm seeing double over here. 16 spiders? Could you imagine the round winning slow motion punch, but it's eight fists going all across, hitting the other opponent in the side of the face? Wow. I can't wait. I've talked about this before, how much I am excited for the days when we can have like,

where the Olympics is basically humans basically humans robots and mutants all trying to outperform each other that's what that's what i want to watch all juiced and roided to the peak of biological capability absolutely yeah at that point it's like you you know the risks. If you want to do it, do it. At this point, let the best freak win. That's the opening ceremony announcement. May the games begin and may the best freak win. A guy with a chainsaw for one arm and an Xbox for the other starts bashing people. Starts bashing people. And listeners, if you do have any information regarding the consumption of dragon eggs,

please do email in. I don't want to get into detail of it, but Kit and I have recently come into a surplus of dragon's eggs. A bounty, if you will. An absolute bounty. And we just want to know what the legality is around cooking and eating them in scrambled or fried form. But if you could be fast, because I don't think these things

have a long sell-by date. Oh, no. And they're the size of a truck, so it's gonna take an industrial-sized egg cooker. You can tell I am not a chef, either. I don't really know what I'm doing. On a slightly worrying note, at least two of the eggs are wiggling as if something's wriggling around in there oh and they're screeching mama dragon's

overhead she's circling us like a vulture because everyone says oh you know dragons they love treasure they love sitting on big piles of treasure treasure you know what else they love they're kids yeah they're very family oriented and their little dragon heads are poking out of the egg it's like whack them all over here we're trying to hammer them and she's out of her damn mind if she thinks she's getting them back absolutely not these delicious piles of scrambly goodness are all ours because you know what i love more than she loves her children huevos rancheros of course okay i want a couple strips of dragon bacon on the side my dragon eggs where was the little red man when i opened up my chinese restaurant

you're right i had no business doing that of course not you don't know the first thing about china or food i had to i had to buy the freaking thing with all the money i made from my one man show you made money yes i sold a couple tickets because people heard how bad the shit was they couldn't believe the reviews so you're rather than put on a longer run take it to broadway you open a chinese takeaway obviously things on the one man show were going south i needed a way out i needed an escape route you need a way of laundering the frankly ocean of cash that came in through the west end people were borderline coming from foreign countries to see my one man show borderline the entire audience were chinese that's where he got the idea. Turns out, weirdly, my one-man show has a bit of a cult following

in some of the major Chinese countries. Cults. Yeah. I don't know why it struck a chord over there. Well, I know what you're saying, but... The name? I'm glad you asked. I didn't.

It's called All About the Benjamins, a one-man show starring Rory Powers. Sounds so bad i play several men all named frank chasing the yankee dollar yeah i'm reading the timeout review here it says you open every act by turning to the audience breaking the fourth wall and saying allow me to be frank it's all about the Benjamins. That's act one. Curtains drop as quick as they opened.

The Guardian said it wasn't funny the first time and it wasn't funny the 35th time. Act two opens up with me, a single spotlight, and I look everyone in the eyes and say, mark my words. It's basically name puns for the best for the best part you look everyone in the eyes it's actually an old trick that my dad taught me where um if you uh before going uh on stage burn your eyes with a candle you can kind of split the pupil into a thousand pinpoints and look everyone in the eyes at the same time like a spider in hindsight that's actually

more that actually could work i could actually maybe write that into the third act that would explain the end of this review it says something about you going blind and needing to be resuscitated on stage that was the final straw that was the final straw and when i came to my my my escape rope was as clear as day and it was the Chinese restaurant because you don't need eyes to cook you absolutely do need eyes CSL this week on the podcast is number one hit song

just our normal theme tune thanks it's all about the Benjamins oh you know it's pretty hard for a guy like me to make it in New York City. Even if I am the president's only son. It's all about the Benjamins. It's all about chasing that money. I sold my exercise bike so I could make this show.

So you better all like it or I'm going to be pissed off. Oh my God. Boo. All right. Stop. All right. Fine. I'll turn it off.