This Paranormal Life - #243 The Best of 2021

Episode Date: December 21, 2021

This week we take a look back at some our favourite moments from the last year. From eating evidence live on the podcast to firing an ancient flintlock pistol in the studio, when you hit PLAY on This Paranormal Life you never know what is going it happen... and we wouldn't have it any other way  Buy Official TPL Merch! -  thisparanormallife.com/storeSupport us on Patreon.com/ThisParanormalLife to get access to bonus episodes!Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and YouTubeJoin our Secret Society Facebook CommunityAdvertise on This Paranormal Life via Gumball.fmResearch by Amy GrisdaleIntro music by www.purple-planet.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho! Merry Christmas from the boys here at This Paranormal Life! Have you been a good little boy or girl? I'm sorry, Bane from Batman? You adopted Christmas! I was born in it! I didn't see Easter till I was a man! Wow. Welcome to the very special Christmas slash New Year's episode of This Paranormal Life. Guys, what a year. What a goddamn year.

Holy smokes. Not a yes in 12 months. It's not a great result, but we had fun along the way and that's what matters. It's true. It's been a year of highs and no's. No's what matters. It's true. It's been a year of highs and no's. No's aplenty. We had an amazing year, jam-packed with incredible investigations into all things paranormal.

Oh, yeah. We covered an incredibly wide range of stuff. We did live tarot readings here in studio, investigated Ouija boards. What we're saying is we had a great time and investigated some of the biggest cases in this paranormal life history what we wanted to do before the year is out is have a look back a retrospective a little kind of scrooge looking at his past mistakes of this paranormal life's 2021 but instead of three spirits visiting him in the night and encouraging him to change

we're looking back smiling it's like scrorooge watching himself be cruel and mean and an awful person and going, yeah, I am pretty great. I can't wait to do it all over again next year. Bring on 2022. So that's what we're doing, folks. We are going to look back right now at some of the highlights and some of our personal favorite moments from this paranormal life 2021. Now, as it is the Christmas break and Kit and I are home celebrating in the warmth of our respective families,

we will not be doing a new episode next Tuesday. We're taking one week off and then we will be back the following Tuesday in the new year to kick off another 12 months of paranormal investigation. Now, if you're going, hey, that sucks. I want some paranormal stories. I'm trying to get away from my family. My family are crazy. My family hate me. We are releasing at the end of this month, our huge Q&A bonus episode on Patreon.com. We recorded it it recently i think it was over two hours long the recording where we answered a ton of community questions talked about the origins of the show the backstory of the show our favorite paranormal creatures and some of the plans for the future and plans for the future and which cryptids we would have sex with that was a big question that came up a little too

often you know we had to paywall that one uh But it's great. It's a really funny episode and it'll be available at the end of this month on Patreon.com for as little as five bucks. You can just drop those five bucks, listen to the episode, and bounce.

That's the trick that they don't want you to know about. You actually don't have to stay around for very long at all. It's kind of besides the point. You could probably pay five bucks and before you're even charged binge all of the content before a single cent i think we should wrap is taken well from your

account that would be i think almost breaking the terms and conditions of the patreon user agreement let's wrap up this isn't a festive discussion is it uh so let's look back now on some of our favorite moments from the last year from us here in the paranormal commune to you at home merry christmas and i hope you have a very happy new year do you know the origin story of the jack-o'-lantern no i don't actually i think it was like a ufo it wasn't that they saw one night and then they were like hey that doesn't even make sense because the man said the ufo looks like a jack-o'-lantern yeah so it's completely backwards the irish legend at least

tells the tale of a ne'er-do-well named drunk jack who when the devil came to collect his soul drunk jack tricked him into turning into a coin so that he could pay for his last drink on Earth. Wow, that's really cool. When the devil obliged, Jack placed him in his pocket next to a crucifix, preventing him from returning to his original form. The f***ing pocket dimension! That is cool. In exchange for his freedom, the devil grants Jack 10 more years of life. When the term expires, the devil comes to collect his Jew. But Jack tricks him again by making him climb a tree and then he carved a cross underneath it, preventing the devil from

climbing back down. In exchange for removing the cross, the devil forgives Jack's debt. However, no one as bad as jack would ever be allowed into heaven so jack is forced upon his death to travel to hell and ask for a place there the devil denies him entrance in revenge but grants him an ember from the fires of hell to light his way through the twilight world to which lost souls are forever condemned wow jack places the ember in a carved turnip to serve as a lantern oh oh that's really cool i didn't know the devil was that easy to trick sounds like a bit of an idiot i don't know if it's good or bad publicity for the irish that an irishman managed to put the devil in a pocket dimension and was too evil to go to hell

i mean even 10 years after the initial trapping of the devil when the devil comes back to claim his soul i don't know why the devil's like all right let's no more shit like let's do this you're a bad man you should have died 10 years ago let's go and jack's just like all right all right i'm going just would you go climb that wee tree there for a minute why why would you go climb that wee tree there for a minute? Why? Why would I possibly climb that wee tree there? I've got places to be. Souls to gather, friend.

Oh, Satan, though. Would you give me a minute, though? I've got a bit of my point left. Did you call me Satan? Satan. Satan. I've got a bit of me point left. Let's just polish it off.

In the meantime, why don't you climb that wee tree there? You've drank 53,000 pints in your life. You don't need the end of that pint. Why don't you hop in me pocket? Why don't you hop in me pocket? Why don't you hop in me pocket? No, that's what I did the first time. I'm not doing that again. Obviously.

Obviously climbing the tree is a trick. Jack is blackout drunk. He's forgotten he already did that one. Get in me pocket. Get in me pocket. Get in me pocket,

you wee horny bastard. You're not the only little horny bastard in the tavern tonight satan all right come to hell i think i hate drunk jack i think i want him to go to hell get me packet he was saying that the bartender's like he's been saying that to people all day you're not the first one when i asked him to pay when i asked him to pay his pint, he told me to get in his pocket. We've talked about this before, that a kind of weird thing would happen if you did discover the Fountain of Youth. Because currently, as mortals, we kind of live life pretty freely and take some risks knowing that someday we will die and you might as well enjoy your life along the way.

Yeah. But if you become immortal to old age suddenly you've got a lot to lose every single day do you or do you have less to lose because if you f**k up and fall off a cliff and die right you could have lived for 2 000 years oh i suppose so yet you got a high score going yeah so you're, I didn't live 800 years to die from a bowl of wine. Exactly. You know, that kind of sucks. I was thinking of the other way. You know, if you can live forever, then it takes the risk out of living.

You're not appreciating every day to the fullest, knowing that there are more days to come. There's a tough philosophical quandary, as they'll say, the fountain of youth. You know, on one hand hand you have these great questions like without the threat of death is life truly life and then you also have other questions like if i only dunked my balls into the water would i have baby nuts and that yes that would be two great really important questions that is regular-sized hog and then little f***ing pee balls? That's a really good point. If this thing turns everything into perfection, would dunking your penis in it turn it young, like a baby penis?

Or would it make it massive, like a good... Imagine you only... Why would you only... I'm just imagining one of these soldiers wandering off in the middle of the night and for some reason deciding to wash only his balls. Being like a six foot four stud soldier with a baby penis. If you were on the hunt for the fountain of youth and then one day, you know, you're just getting ready for bed. You leave the campsite and just, you know, go off, find some water, dunk your hands in and wash your face. And the next day you wake up with a baby head on a man's body with tiny little hands. Everyone's asking you, what happened? Where's the fountain?

And you're like, cuck ga ga, ga ga goo goo. Rippling abs, massive broadsword on your waist. You've got to be really careful. You've got to be really careful. Believe it or not, they aren't the only cryptids that are said to exist on the Hawaiian islands. I don't doubt it. Now, I wanted a fun way to rattle through some of these monsters. Now, I wanted a fun way to rattle through some of these monsters.

So, I'd like to welcome you all to the introduction and creation of the WWP. The World Wrestling Paranormal. Whoa! Doesn't really make sense as an abbreviation, but it needs to be that. I'm in, brother. To be a pun on the E. Tonight, our very own Kit greer is entering the ring to take you are brother don't interrupt because i'm kind of in the middle of something here to enter the ring to take on an opponent of his choice but who will he choose let's introduce

our fighters oh i would have got better sleep if I knew I was going in the ring. You know I haven't been training. First off, actually, do you want to give yourself like a wrestling persona? I didn't really think about that. I was more focused on the other guys. Okay. I mean, that should be easy enough seeing as I'm such a badass. It should be second nature to step into the ring as one.

Okay. Usually just like a gimmick or something usually people have like a thing all right so i'm um i'm the podcaster okay i uh get in the ring and i i use my voice don't do my voice to bring people to their knees. You're just doing... Bad idea for a wrestler. There are so many things that have gone wrong. One, you're just doing the same voice that I did to introduce you. What a tough guy voice. To the podcaster.

Rory, I've always talked this way. Don't deny it. Also, if you were a podcaster, why does your singing voice bring people to their knees? I don't understand the logic of this character. Fine. Sure. I don't have time.

I don't want to do this. I've got more ideas if you didn't like the podcaster. Okay. Yeah, sure. Let's go. Yeah. One more and then we'll move on because I don't want to. Rory, if you didn't like the podcaster, get ready for something completely different.

It's the snitch. You're doing the voice. You're doing the voice. You're doing the same voice as the podcaster had. It's completely different, Rory. What is the snitch? How does that? Like a rat?

I'm a rat coward with a vengeance. Nobody's secrets are safe. I'm a rat coward with a vengeance. Nobody's secrets are safe. I will fight you by doxing you and leaking your personal information to dangerous children on 4chan. Wow. So much worse than the podcaster. I can't believe I'm going to ask this.

Do you have any more? There's no way that there could be a third that is worse than that. And please don't do the voice. Do not do the podcaster voice. Rory, say no more. I can go all day. If you didn't like that one, welcome into the ring, the diddler. Absolutely not.

What? No, absolutely not. Podcaster. We're going to go podcaster. Fine. I like podcaster too. Podcaster. Okay. I'll pitch diddler in my own time.

All right. Make some noise for the night marchers. Okay. It's more than one. These are the ghosts of ancient Hawaiian warriors. Oh boy. In some stories, just looking at them guarantees a horrific and painful death. They say that if you hear them approaching, you open your front and back doors so they can pass.

I don't know if the podcaster can really go toe-to-toe. Is there a weight class in this WWP federation? It's also recommended you put your children out of sight, along with any women. I'm not sure why, but I don't want to chance it. A lot in common with the diddler it seems like. Okay all right. Just like like just calling it what it is because we didn't get to it earlier. Oh, f***ing hell.

So after these stories, we do kind of know what these things are, but how did they get here? Well, the Navajo people believed that skinwalkers were once accomplished shaman or medicine men in their communities. These shaman would use their powers for the good of the community and were brought in to do everything from healing the sick to sometimes even raising the dead wow that is good that's a tough job to not know what you're dealing with every day yeah you know are you coming in being like all right what is it today someone got like a scratched knee or like a bum elbow or something i gotta fix and it's like no tony croaked last night so we need you to actually bring him back. Oh, f***ing hell. I haven't even had a coffee. Can someone get me a latte?

I'm going to bring Tony back. I'm going to need a latte. Going to need a latte. We're going to need some defibrillators. Like, is that even magic now? Or is this science? I'm the shaman. Shut up.

Sometimes when performing their rituals, they would wear an animal skin over their face. It could be a bear, a wolf, or something similar. Not only that, but the suit was adorned with the skins of frogs, bats, snakes. Whoa. With beaks, toes, tails of birds, hooves of deer. Holy. Tails of goats. Pretty much everything that flies, swims, or runs was attached on to these skins.

Jesus. It's kind of mystery meat. I don't know if I would want that. If someone was performing evasive surgery on me. Yeah. To have to constantly be pushing the frog skin out of their eyes. Is this hygienic? Yeah.

I think a beetle just fell in my wound sir i don't appreciate this also why am i still conscious why am i still conscious i can see my bones interestingly shamans were paid for their work resurrecting the dead whether the ritual worked or not which is a pretty good deal to have payment up front yeah that makes sense if i was i don't know a guy who deactivates bombs i would want payment up front it's pretty risky business if you're dealing with the afterlife and magic um right it's like i'm risking my neck here i don't need to like not make money on a kind of risk in my neck the chief is like you know bombs aren't magic right i need you to tell me that before you go in there with your what looks like a bag of frogs it's like so jason you've got the plan right i go in there go into

the shadow realm no no no no no here's the plan with the wires you just need to snip the red wire right right okay so so snip the red wire the red wire it's as easy as that this is perfect man i sharpened my eagle beak this morning so it's gonna be no no we've we've given you all the tools you could possibly need where's the eagle beak coming in to cut the wires no their beaks are like scissors scissors we've got regulation scissors for this all right fine so then i use the scissors to cut the beak off the bird to cut the wires should be these are words that shouldn't be in your vocabulary as a you're a bomb expert right we were listen we were worried whenever you went to peru

on holiday last couple weeks i guess for training right that was you were sent me out there to learn the ways of the... I feel like... The spells. We were hoping that you would just have a nice relaxing beach holiday. Seems like you spent a bit of time with a shaman. Well, yeah, of course I wanted to perfect my trade. Turns out to perfect the trade, you have to perfect the dark arts. Okay.

Because what's more dark than making a bomb? There is 30 seconds on the clock. Oh, shit! Get in there with the eagle beak and do whatever you can immediately trips over his wolf pelt face plants knocks out bomb goes off the irony is the bomb goes off and a magic shield forms around him everyone else dies we did it officer jenkins he's like a skeleton crumbling behind him oh no you've been cursed am i correct in saying sound doesn't travel through a vacuum right so the signals that

you'd be receiving from space wouldn't be audible they come in different forms maybe we just haven't found the form that will enable us to communicate with the afterlife, you know? It's some sort of spiritual wave. We don't have the technology for yet. That's why we've got to start getting weirder with our technology. Just start combining shit together and see if it works. We've got to start putting rats in microwaves and seeing what happens. Yeah, duct tape a dildo to a skateboard. What does that have to do with science?

You don't know what will happen if you combine these things. So Rory, we'll do a quick round of Paranormal Dragon's Den. That's Paranormal Shark Tank for our American listeners. I'm going to pitch you two old-timey paranormal machines. And you have to decide which one you would pass on and which one you would invest in. I like this. I like this a lot. Are they both to do with communicating with the dead or is this? Absolutely.

Okay. Okay. I mean, if I can think of something on the fly that's not to do with that, but also paranormal. You throw it in the mix. I'll just pitch it right here and now. Dildo skateboard. I'm in. What do you need?

How much money? As an investor, I have the assets ready and waiting. What are you looking for in terms of investment honestly just the skateboard my company can provide the rest and this piece of equipment will help me communicate with the dead huh no it's just a rad time it's just a more extreme and sexy version of the sport we've all come to know and love gay sex that's quite enough that's quite enough introducing the dick flip like trick all your kids are talking about broken every rule of shark tank i've seen worse products on instagram advertised than the skateboard dildo. That's true.

Yeah. The bar is low. Might be something there. Coming to the TPL merch shop. At the very least, a vibrating skateboard. Or just a skateboard shaped like a dick. All right, I digress. Yeah, we're getting distracted here.

First up on Shark Tank. Hi, Rory. My name's Greg, and I'm coming to you today with the Vandermoolian Spirit Indicator. Strong name. What we have here is two glass prisms

that are set face-to-face on a wooden board connected by a very delicate wire triangle connected to a battery. Now, the spirits can affect this little wire triangle by moving it back and forth.

If it touches the wire, it completes the circuit and rings a bell. When the bell sounds, our paranormal investigators run to the nearest Ouija board and receive the message. Okay, okay. I am looking for 500 bucks to get the wire, and I'm offering a 20% stake in the company. All right, okay. I am looking for 500 bucks to get the wire, and I'm offering a 20% stake in the company.

All right, interesting. Of course, this is olden days, so $500 is presumably thousands. Millions and millions of dollars. Do I have to decide now, or can I hear pitch number two? That's a great point. I will also let Kyle speak. Okay.

He goes behind a sheet and comes back. You're the mustache. Hi, my name's Kyle. And I'm coming at you today, Rory, with the diamondistograph. I think I said that wrong. The dynamistograph. I had a couple of buds to take the edge off this pitch a minute ago, and now I'm coming to regret it because the words on the

page are getting squiggly. This device consists of a cylinder into which the ghost goes in. There's a table isolated by a sheet of glass and charged with an electric current and a pair of scales for some reason. And then on top there's a

bit of writing apparatus so that the spirit can write words using Morse code. The device is enclosed in a room and investigators watch the action of the device through a small glass window. You can watch the spiritual intelligences enter the device and use the letter dial at the top of the machine to spell out messages. Okay. I am looking for a ride home. All right. In exchange for 95% of the dynamistograph company. Dynamistograph is a great name. Fantastic name. It's a tough choice. It's a tough choice, but I think I'm gonna have to go with pitch number two, the dynamistograph. Well, hell yeah, brother. Now that you're on board and you can't turn back and you have to give me the ride home to Tucson, I will say the dynamistograph doesn't work when the weather is bad.

But even though muso said that he forgave him the old man wouldn't stop crying he said that's not why i'm ashamed it's because last night you saw me in my true form i am a cheeky ninky an eater of human flesh and i only have myself to blame well it was nice knowing you take it easy have a good one don't know why i came back all the all the signs were there all the red flags my story begins no no i already know too much i don't want to hear it i'm gonna go to a different village one that just has a kfc and a in. This is nuts. The guy's like, I'm a flesh eating demon. Like, I'm good. Would you like a bowl of soup?

Musso's like, I am pretty hungry, actually. I guess I could take a bowl of soup from a Jiki Ninki. You just know the next village he would get to is a little more modern. Maybe it has a drive-thru McDonald's. Sure. And as he walks through, he's like, yeah, can I just, I've had a rough day. Can I just get like a 20-thru mcdonald's sure and as he walks through he's like yeah can i just i've had a rough day can i just get like a uh a 20 piece mcnugget meal please

and the voice of the intercom is like of course but first you must hear my story another jikininki no no sir this is demon city this is demon after all. No! I thought I took the left away from Demon City. I'd like to recommend the Happy Meal, for I have never had a Happy Meal in my life. Okay, this is just sad. Other than human flesh? I have to ask. Is the quarter ponder? Is the quarter ponder?

Human flesh? Yes! I'm good. I'm good. I'll just get six mcnuggets and go six mcmahon nuggets no did you did you say man did you say mcmahon nuggets i don't want i want chicken nuggets mcmahon nugget the fact that mcdonald's went to the degree of branding this this human flesh nugget absolutely they bring us all together hell our entire listener base hate each other they're from all different walks of life opposite sides of the political spectrum but what we can all get on board for is uh wanting to see et's blood

run in the streets two weeks after after Christopher's original sighting, the sheriff's department headed out to some of the areas the monster was spotted and made several plaster casts of the strange footprints discovered at the sites. Ooh, great idea. The plaster casts were of three-toed footprints measuring some 14 inches in length. When brought to biologists, they were deemed unclassifiable. Wow. In fact, according to South Carolina Marine Resources Department,

the tracks neither matched nor could be mistaken for the footprints of any other recorded animal. Jesus, man. Scary stuff. 14 inches, that's pretty big. Those are big old feet. Big feet, huh huh and three toes i actually have a picture here of the plastered cast if you want to see let me see it there you

go okay i'm starting to see why these were unclassifiable uh what we have here is i just want to say you know i've handed you a decent amount of evidence in today's case and which i appreciate i do appreciate well okay well it doesn't sound like it because it's i hear some laughing i hear some chud i love it i just don't want you to lose your evidence privileges well i don't see why i would lose the evidence privileges you're on the very close to losing your evidence but you should treat this case with the respect that it deserves this is two ovals perfect ovals with three sausages on the end. You've said quite

enough, sir. Give me that back. Okay. I actually I would have, I think, helped the investigation if I didn't see those. You know what? You don't get the evidence. Nobody gets the evidence. What do you mean? It's online. This just became redacted.

You can't eat evidence. That's insane. So, I't eat ever that's insane so i don't get to see it you don't get to see it no one gets it it's online you downloaded that from google images you wanted you wanted it's a lot of paper don't try to eat it you're gonna make yourself sick you can't see it because you're clearly struggling to i mean at least finish whatever you're doing and then talk because you can't talk and eat that much paper. It's thicker than I thought it was. Yeah. Well, I noticed you got it printed on what card?

Well, because I wanted to frame it afterwards because I thought you were going to really like it. I think because the evidence is so damning, it's actually hard to swallow. Yeah. I think that's what it is. It's so convincing, I can't digest it's so convincing i can't digest it i think you can't digest it because it's an enormous amount of paper i'm just gonna give me a second i just got jesus now no one get it seems to be now there's a lump in your throat i don't think you've swallowed it at all i I think it's just stuck there. I actually have a lot more evidence coming up as well, so.

Which is a lot less believable than what we just saw. Do you have any sriracha for these next bits? I need some sriracha and some Pepto Bismol. I'd settle for some garlic mayo at the very least, just to use as a lubricant to help it down. Because some of this evidence is pretty convincing. I think it's going to be tough to swallow. What the f***?

Oh, shit. There is a chance I may have eaten the second half of that page. By mistake. So this actually jumps forward a couple years. Oh, wow. Yeah. Shit. All right.

You have one piece of A4 left with three sentences on it, which I think one of them just says conclusion. And I might eat that too. All right. So be careful what you say. You're literally Jerry in the police. You ate the evidence. It's the perfect crime. No, Jerry.

You're trying to solve the perfect crime. I think that might be a new low for this podcast. I ate today's investigation so we could almost not complete it it really becomes uh uh he said she said between the nerd scientists and the salty sea dogs who've been at sea for far too long um so because you know i don't know which type of people i hate more um i don't know who I should believe. As chief investigator, what do you think? I think it's a tough story. As you said, it's a choice between the nerds of the world

and the well-traveled, jacked, salty seamen. The chads versus the virgins, if you will. Precisely. I will just let you know once again that I did bring my flintlock pistol with me to the podcast. So just be careful with how you decide to conclude this because I don't know. What does that mean? I have a personal connection.

What the f*** does that mean though? I have a personal connection with this case. How do you have a personal connection with the case? You bought a gun? That's your connection? Look, I have family in Tybee. That means nothing to me. In Georgia, pirate capital of America.

Okay. So actually maybe tread lightly. Okay. Or I will use the flintlock pistol. To be fair, as, you know, Northern Irish people, particularly it feels like any Northern Irish person with kind of fair or red hair or anything. person with kind of fair or red hair or anything we definitely come from some amount of vikings which is pretty fun because they are pretty much ancient pirates yeah that's very true so there's a lot of people out there in the uk and beyond that have uh pirate roots that's why i also brought my two-handed okay so if the flintlock doesn't do the job i'll finish off with the axe so i don't know

how i can win here to be honest uh i think with this case uh i absolutely love it all right and i do hand off the pistol yeah continue and i trust a lot of the people who have made claim to seeing the flying dutchman awesome i'll take the bullet out as well. This process takes like five minutes. So just take your time. However, I do think these people have been at sea for a long time. Put the bullet back in. The oral tradition. I don't know how to load this thing.

Oh my God. Jesus Christ. The safety's on. How do you get the safety off? My family and friends that I love them. Tell my wife I love her. Jesus. All right. I missed. How do you get the f***ing safe deal? Will you tell my family and friends that I love them? Tell my wife I love her? Jesus, alright. I missed.

That was your one bullet, I'm guessing. Give me 45 minutes, I'll have this thing be... That was a f***ing cannonball. There is an American football-sized hole in my wall. I'm too weak to lift the axe as well. The kick from the pistol almost broke your arm shattered my elbow the story goes that in the 1920s madame cherie was an eccentric glamorous costume designer who worked on big broadway productions how eccentric was she you ask well she often drove around town in her custom car

with a pet monkey perched on her shoulder. That's pretty eccentric, all right. That's pretty baller. Rappers these days have it all wrong, you know? They're all about getting jewelry, gold chains, rings. You should be perching exotic pets on your body. That's how you really show that you're a baller, you know? Right. So if you've like oh you've got a 24 carat gold chain on your neck well i have a f***ing armadillo on my back i have the literal bat that invented coronavirus as a belt buckle i want to walk into the club and be able to tell people i have a monkey on my back i don't mean it as a metaphor. There is a chimp controlling me like ratatouille.

And he's not interested in spaghetti or food. He just wants to pull lice from my hair and punch me about. It's actually a bit of a pain. Okay, the 24 karat gold chain sounds better. It does. Yeah. After her husband died, Sherry decided to build a huge castle in the woods of Chesterfield where she could throw crazy parties for all of her rich friends. Kind of Great Gatsby style. Exactly, yes. But of course, the money eventually ran out, and the castle fell to ruin. A year after Madame Sherry died, a mysterious fire burned down the castle, leaving only the stone steps that now lead to nowhere. the castle, leaving only the stone steps that now lead to nowhere.

People refer to it as the stairway to heaven. And the legend is that on some nights, you can see Madame Cherie's ghost standing at the top of the grand staircase. And if you listen closely, you can hear the faint echoes of

laughter and music coming from the ruins. Wow. Pretty cool, huh? I gotta love the construction logic of making this castle. It's like, Madame Cherie, what do you want the stairs to be made out of? Oh, f*** me. Stairs are pretty important. Better be sturdy.

So, stone. Great idea. Brilliant. What about the castle? F*** it. Paper. Bring in the flame? F*** it. Paper. Bring in the... Bring in the monkeys!

Bring in the flame torch juggling monkeys. Or did they just run out of budget after the stairs? Yeah, she went ham on the stairs. She was like, we actually only have about a hundred bucks left for the party mansion. A bit weird for your husband to die and you basically erect a sex palace in the forest. No one calls it a sex palace. you can read between the lines here no no someone you're just gonna get a load of monkeys in a mansion and not have sex with them right right sure sure buddy you're freaking freak i don't know what you do in your mansion. If a story describes someone as being eccentric multiple times,

and then they go ahead and build a monkey. I never said monkeys. She said she brings guests out there to the woods. Rich Broadway guests. Okay. And they all probably hook up together. And sure, if a monkey slides in there in the middle of the action, who knows? There's no way.

There's no way Broadway stars are hooking up with monkeys in a haunted castle. We've talked many times about the dad squad that have been so helpful in various investigations around the world, but never about a child squad. Yeah, a boy squad. Boy squad of young investigators. Not to be confused with Boy Scouts. No, no. Those little shits don't know anything about the paranormal. I've tried for years to lobby the Boy Scouts of America to create a tracking Bigfoot badge and they refuse.

Yeah. They were like, we want to teach him how to tie a knot. Sure. And I said, I do not give a shit if they know how to tie or not. I need them to be able to secure Bigfoot with ropes to the front of my car. That's what I need. So they do need to be able to tie a knot. Well, sure.

One or two would help. One or two just to make sure he's on there. What age are you? There's no way you were young enough to be a boy, Scott. Where did you get this uniform? I don't need them to know how to make a campfire, all right? I need them to know how to survive in the wilderness on a cold, ice cold, frosty night. The only way to survive in the wilderness on a frosty night is with a campfire.

Or a big jacket held together with knots. That's right. You can use your shoelace, actually, to tie a jacket closed if the zipper breaks. We've tried teaching you that everything you want to accomplish can be accomplished through the current Boy Scouts program. When they're alone in the wilderness, face-to-face with a grizzly bear, do you think their grizzly bear handling badge is going to come in handy? No, it's not. Because what you need is pure animal instincts. You have the least badges of any of the Boy Scouts here. You don't know anything of how the wilderness works.

Not so hard, all right? The string you gave me was too thin and I couldn't do it. You gave a bigger string to Trevor and he's got magic little fingers. It's not fair, honestly. You are the oldest Boy Scout we have ever seen. There is no way you remember. Morning of their second day, their big camp out, all the boys emerge from their tents,

rested and ready for an exciting day in their pristine uniforms. You're f***ing naked, passed out with icicles dangling from your hair and clothes. Sir, I'm proud to say that I just qualified for my shitting in a bucket badge. That's not a badge. There's a porta potty over there. That bucket was the only clean drinking water we all had. Oh, God. One of the reasons that I like this approach towards the paranormal is because, you know, even though it was intended as a bit of a joke,

after they broadcast this, the track became pretty much a number one song at the station. People were calling in to request it all the time. No! They were selling CDs and tapes of it all over America. It has no melody of any kind. No hook. People, but it doesn't need a hook. Because the truth doesn't need a hook, Kit.

The truth doesn't need to rhyme. It's five and a half minutes long. But it got me thinking, you know, do I have a case that people don't take seriously from my life? Sure. The Dublin Gorilla Man. And I've been trying to tell people about it for years, but no one will take it seriously.

So the only logical thing for me to do. God, no. Was to write. What have you done you done a song write a rap about it so uh why did you just clear your throat ladies and gentlemen um why are you addressing the audience i'm excited to happen to uh to debut my new single called the dublin gorilla man to hopefully raise some awareness about this terrifying beast. Oh, my God. Let's do this.

Let me tell you all about the time I saw a gorilla man. Oh, my God. I was only a boy. But it's pretty f***ed up what happened. What is his voice? Fifteen years I've been alive. Down to Dublin. I had to drive.

Playing baseball with my friends. I was only a boy. Just becoming a man. We were walking slow. And before our eyes. A monkey man. Caught us by surprise. It was new to me.

Did not compute to me. I had barely hit motherf***ing puberty. Dublin Gorilla Man. Are you real or am I mad? Dublin Gorilla Man. Where the f*** did you go bitch? That's enough. That's quite enough. That's quite enough.