This Paranormal Life - #294 The DARK SIDE of Christmas

Episode Date: December 20, 2022

Ho-ho-ho! Welcome one and all to the This Paranormal Life Christmas Special! This week we're diving back in time to tackle the bizare origins of the holiday we've come to know as Christmas. How did we get from from vengeful Gods and week-long sex parties to Christmas carollers and candy canes? It's time for Rory and Kit to investigate.Support us on Patreon.com/ThisParanormalLife to get access to weekly bonus episodes!Buy Official TPL Merch! - thisparanormallife.com/storeFollow us on Twitter, Instagram, and YouTubeJoin our Secret Society Facebook CommunityIntro music by www.purple-planet.comResearch by Amy GrisdaleEdited by Louis Blatherwick Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What planet does eggnog come from? Why was mommy kissing Santa Claus? All of these questions you can find the answer to on This Paranormal Life! Ho, ho, ho! Welcome everyone to the This Paranormal Life Christmas Special! This is our Christmas special. This is our last podcast of the year.

And this is Rory and Kit coming at you hungover as hell. What's more festive than that? We are recovering because last night we had the This Paranormal Life Christmas party. Things got out of hand. The night escalated to the point where, in one moment, it was just a picture of me on a monitor, and everyone was circling around it, chanting, kill him, kill him. After enough old-fashioned cocktails, true colors

start coming out in all their forums, and everyone turned on Rory pretty quickly. Real quick! A little too quick! I don't know if I was even leading the charge on that, which is what you might be assuming. I think it kind of bubbled up, actually, from the others. But that's not going to deter us from what our goal is today, Kit. We are here today to celebrate, to talk about Christmas, the season, and the history behind it.

This is a time of the year where all of the other podcasts in the world are relaxing with their families, taking a week or two off, enjoying the festivities, but not this paranormal life. We know that Christmas is a time for paranormal investigators to be vigilant. So while everyone else is sound asleep in their bed with the little plate with the mince pie on the mantelpiece, we're sat in a rocking chair with a loaded shotgun just waiting for that son of a bitch to come down the chimney yeah if you're telling me that one night a year some fat dude's gonna break into my house and leave suspicious packages i'm not leaving him milk and cookies i'm leaving him a goddamn double barrel surprise

as soon as he comes down the size nine up his ass that's what he's getting i never really looked at it that way but it is true in a post 9-11 world you can't just be leaving suspicious packages in people's homes you can't i don't care if it's shaped like a bike yeah if it's if it's i don't care if it's barking and wagging his tail it's suspicious it has to be detonated unless someone claims that package uh i mean we also grew up in northern ireland which has a complicated history of suspicious packages so it doesn't i don't know if there's any nation on earth that just warmly embraces suspicious packages well one of the reasons that i guess we don't celebrate christmas as much as

these other podcasts is because unlike all those other suckers out there, we know that the true story of the season is born out of darkness, evil, and possibly the paranormal. Hopefully the paranormal if we're going to get a double yes today. So sure, yeah. I hope you guys are listening at home, drinking your eggnog, wrapping presents by a warm cozy fire seeing your loved ones yeah nice for some hugging and kissing your loved ones but also

honestly i hope you're looking forward to having your day ruined oh well come on now let's not be grinches about the whole thing because on this week's episode we are diving into the dark history of christmas oh so this is maybe the kind of knowledge that our listeners could be they could be hearing on christmas eve or even christmas day and they can kind of sit around the dinner table later that day and ruin their family's christmas by telling the rest of their family about all the dark stuff. They can, yes! I don't know how to turn off the vocal effect!

Just calm down. I think that Christmas is getting to you. Without further ado, let's dive into today's episodes. But first, a few words from our sponsors. Now, we've talked a little bit about the history of Christmas before on this podcast. But how about a little reminder for those listening for the first time? It may come as no surprise that Christmas wasn't always gumdrops and sugar canes. In fact, it's the final product in a battle between pagan festivals, Norse mythology, and Christian conquests.

Elements from all of those early celebrations were mashed together, tweaked over time, and left us with the shiny Christmas we have today. Okay, all right, you're dropping a lot of bombshells here because you kind of teed that up as if we're all supposed to know that. I just need to get things back to basics for our listeners. Christmas is Jesus's birthday. so i believe that's actually how it started was it's actually a pretty cool story there was like these three long one though isn't it right three kings long one though for this podcast were they kings or were they shepherds i don't really remember there were shepherds and kings i shouldn't be the one telling you this and there was a planet or something was it a f***ing star yada yada yada three wise donkeys though the king was born in

surprisingly humble circumstances i will say on account of there being no room at the inn and are you bitter about that honestly customer service was bad customer service was bad um i don't know maybe make room for the king of men i'm getting off track but the whole point is the king was born on that day in bethlehem and we just celebrate it to this day I think it's as simple as that truly well we'll uh you know we can go into the the details of kind of that part of the Christmas tradition and how it kind of incorporated itself into the season a little later on like let's say the thing the gifts that he got for example no again that's more the it's

more that's more details about just the actual gold thing, I think. That was one of them, yeah. Do you know the others? Frankincense and myrrh. Gold, frankincense, and myrrh was given to them by the three kings, the three wise men who followed... Wait, hold on a minute. How many goddamn people were there here? Three kings, three wise men, three shepherds?

Is that right? Nine of them? It's a party. Wait, hold on. And then there was animals too, donkeys and shit the inn was closed i don't know how many ways to tell you there was nowhere to go everyone was in this goddamn barn the inn was full that's i don't think that's why they all gathered in the barn i don't think it's because none of them could get a room i think it was the birth of our Lord and Savior. Twelve people. Oh my God.

I think. Who's present? There's f***ing angels getting involved? Do angels count as people? They're not men, I don't think. I don't know. Maybe it's still up for debate how many people were there. It was a big party, and yes,

some people, Christians specifically, to this day, use Christmas to celebrate the birth of Jesus. But the real history of it, kid, is a lot darker than that. So let's talk about that history. During the midwinter holiday in Germany, people would honor the pagan god Odin, who some people believe was actually the first santa claus much like santa they believed that odin would fly through the sky at night however instead of having a list of who was naughty and who was nice odin would decide who would prosper or perish oh my lord so you're saying this was the original christmas gift your life getting away with your life intact

here's a little christmas gift for you your kneecaps i didn't bash him in with a two by four odin really said this morning you opened the two greatest gifts of all your eyes not you terry you've been a little piece of shit this year i'm gonna need your eyes and we know that in the modern tradition of christmas you know sometimes it's said that if you are naughty that you will be given coal you're saying that back in the day you would actually in fact perish that was what would happen if you were naughty also i'm not sure this was limited exclusively to children like santa claus so this is a list that includes both men, women, children, everyone.

Oh my God. So you always have to be on your best behavior lest Odin appear around Christmas and drag you possibly to hell. Can we get a quick refresher on who Odin is? Odin is the god of gods. He is one of the most powerful Norse gods. I'm going to look it up. Wasn't he the dad of a couple of them?

I can't be the only one who mentally rolls Odin in with Zeus and Thor. Odin is a type of Nabemono, Japanese pot dish containing of several boiled eggs. That can't be the right Wikipedia entry. I think I've got it wrong. Odin. Odin? There he is. He is a Norse god. I can't be the right Wikipedia entry. I think I've got it wrong. Odin. Odin? There he is. He is a Norse god. I don't know, man. There's a lot of shit here.

He's one of the big ones. That's so unhelpful. We've talked about it before, but in Rome, where the winters were a lot milder than up north, people celebrated Saturnalia, a holiday in honor of Saturn, the god of agriculture. If you want to

talk about the dirty side of Christmas, this is where it's at, brother. Now, I'm not a historian, obviously, so some of the language I use to describe this festive season may be inaccurate, but Saturnalia was basically a jumbo f*** fest. There's no way. There's no way. Again, I'm not a historian. I don't know if that accurately describes the festivities. But honestly, jumbo f*** fest. If I had to pick some words, that's what it would be.

I was hoping that this episode was going to be a family-friendly affair. Something that all the family could listen to, perhaps even on Christmas Day. Grandmother, grandfather. It is by definition the opposite of that it is the dark side of christmas the dirty side of christmas well saturnalia is as dirty as it gets too i was also hoping that the dark side of christmas would be sure maybe some kind of little demon roams around on Christmas day and steals your socks or something. Not quote unquote, a jumbo fest. Santa has a gun.

It's not talked about much in the rhymes, but he has one. You should know. You don't think that if he's circling the globe nine times in a night that someone's not going to try and jump him. He needs protection. We know from the stories he has bags of toys an infinite bag of toys that will be the heist of a lifetime look you'll

understand why i describe it in this way because during saturnalia slaves were freed people gorged on wine and food gambling was legalized although apparently you were only supposed to gamble nuts, not coins. That seems like a loophole law for sure. But this was essentially a week-long party that people had around the Christmas season where society in itself just turned upside down. It was basically purge night. Yeah, but I think a little less violent. There was still a sense of goodwill and friendship and sharing um even among slaves

and masters i'm definitely done with uh freeing slaves that's always a good thing for society to do yeah uh i feel like there's room for this in today's society i don't know if we have a modern equivalent to this i think for rich white people this is burning man yeah that is our saturnalia coachella coachella uh bit weird to have an event where you free the slaves for seven days and then the slaves are going back to the fucking cages because i don't know how free that ever made them i don't know if they were truly right yeah is that freedom or is that being given some time some free time but i guess maybe their situation was dire enough they were like honestly we'll just take the seven days we'll take the

seven days i think i have heard of this before now that you're jogging my memory like i thought i had heard of this like ancient roman like upside down day where you know the masters cook for their servants and things like that like i think they did have some kind of built-in weird holidays like this yeah which again as i said i think was was done in a very fun and joyous way right i don't think the slaves were necessarily like we're the masters now start just whipping their owners because in six days and 23 hours uh the tables are going to be turned again and the the masters do not forget sure hey i will say i'm all for santa and elves and the traditional christmas but honestly a week-long jumbo fest i'm up for it is it and i don't want to keep using the words

but you're making me is it even one i thought you just said that they just like let people roam free or something uh brother they gorge on wine and food the slaves are freed you know people were getting down but it feels like you're embellishing that bit it feels like you're you're reading between the lines in in and just projecting what you want to happen i'm not a historian so i don't know exactly what happened but I think you and I can read between the lines if you catch me. You're just a really horny historian. You're like, and 2,000 years ago, there was no room at the inn. I can imagine what was going on inside the inn, though, between you and me.

No, no. That's enough. No one said that. You're just making that up. You don't know that. Between you and me, I'm sure there was a lot going on in the old in the old inn crazy to think a million years ago when that asteroid hit the earth all those dinosaurs were were wiped out they must have been shagging their brains out watching that thing come

down no they weren't they weren't they didn't they were just eating food and each other you had a paleontology conference all these dinosaur experts like shut up shut up they weren't the season eventually shifted into what we know as christmas when christianity became more of the dominant religion pope julius chose to celebrate the birth of jesus on december 25th conveniently timed to overshadow the celebrations of Yule and Saturnalia. Classic Christianity. Which... I mean, this is just, this is the history

of Christianity, and lots of religions, to be fair. Yeah, it's the one of the earliest versions of the concept of throwing your own bigger and better party so that all of your friends come to your house and don't go to that all of your friends come to your house and don't go to the house

of your rival. Yes. Basically said, hey, I know you guys do like a winter thing. We actually do a winter thing now and it's the birth of the Lord who died for your sins.

So I don't know. Maybe you want to respect him and actually come to Christmas. So as we said, Pope Julius chose to celebrate the birth of Jesus on December 25th. And even though a lot of people began to adopt Christmas and Christianity,

even then things weren't peachy perfect. In the 19th century, everyone still had a very complicated relationship with the holiday. Writer and historian Thomas Christensen claimed that 17th century carolers would show up unannounced at homes and demand the finest food and drink, threatening violence if they didn't get it. Oh my god, that is the dark side of Christmas. Lyrics to their songs included, We've come here to claim our right, and if you don't open up your door,

we'll lay it flat upon the floor. Oh my god. i didn't know where that rhyme scheme was going i thought right and maybe fight was coming yeah it was there was a little fun twist at the end they almost didn't rhyme they almost didn't even try and make it a song they're just like give us your shit merry christmas it's kind of interesting that this is, you know, stories from the earliest form of Christmas carol singers. You know, something that now has become quite a joyous thing, going house to house, singing for people. Crazy to think that it could have had a bit of a darker origin story. Because this is the thing about Christmas is, you know, one of the main messages is you know all man being equaled the rich giving to

the poor uh if the rich don't give to the poor the poor take it the poor take it by force and they'll sing you a little song sure to make you feel better about the whole thing but uh the poor are coming for you if scrooge hadn't been visited by three ghosts i think christmas day it would have stormed his house like the beast in beauty and the beast and just ripped him to pieces that young lad that scrooge at the end of the movie is like are you there boy what day is it that boy had a molotov cocktail in his back pocket he was about to burn scrooge's house down with him in it imagine the first ghost showed up and Scrooge is like, are you here to show me the Christmases of long, long ago? And the ghost is like, they're gonna fucking kill you

out there. I can hear through the walls. I'm just giving you a heads up. I'm the ghost of your doorman. They're in the hallway. I'm not the ghost of Christmas. It's me, Eric. They're coming, sir. They do not like you, Scrooge.

This is fascinating, though. This is exactly what we're talking about. Something as seemingly pure and innocent as carolers singing on Christmas Day door to door. You're saying these were ancient thieves and bandits roaming the streets assaulting people and carolers aren't the only part of traditional christmas that have weird histories in fact the nutcracker ballet is actually based on a story where a seven-year-old girl is kidnapped

by toy soldiers and taken to a doll kingdom where she's married to a nutcracker at age eight she is a child bride to a toy imagine f***ing woody from toy story having a shotgun wedding to a child that's what we're talking about i mean i do agree that in retrospect the themes of that tale are perhaps darker than taken at face value yeah but i do feel like you could do this with kind of any story i don't know what you're talking about no it's this one particular like rory watches mickey mouse and he's like it's some kind of genetically mutated rat that has learned to talk and he has a vicious rivalry with a dog sure maybe the tone in which i described the narrative of this was a little bit loaded

but a eight-year-old girl marrying a toy that doesn't sit right with me i don't know about you brother that doesn't fly in my Saturnalia also the popular Christmas carol about good king Wenceslas which you think is about a kind man helping a woman in a snowstorm he's a toy he's trying to bring her back to his toy kingdom he was married to a 12 year old it was really dark

what the carol doesn't tell you is that king wenceslas was murdered by his brother stabbed multiple times and then dismembered holy shit they left that out of the carol but isn't this just all tales like is there a single tale that is older than the year 1900 which isn't about someone getting torn limb from limb i mean even the fairy tales of uh the brothers grim and and so on you know all of those hansel and gretel are you kidding me two little fat german children get murdered by a witch or something like all tales were just grim i don't think they got murdered i think they were rescued i don't think she ate the kids do you want me to check i guess because i can't be the end of the

story she just eats the kids what did i learn from that okay you are right the children do survive i knew it but not until the witch has fattened them up and tried to cook them. And then at the last possible second, Gretel puts the witch in her own oven and locks the door and they run away. Yeah, so they actually end up cooking her. Point being, it's a disturbing and god-awful tale. Right, so you're saying a lot of these old-timey legends and folklore stories have pretty dark themes behind them i'm saying all children's stories are based on shit like that this is where we actually read the story of jesus's birth and it's like yeah it turned out 30 minutes later they all ate the donkey they dismembered the donkey and ate him but of course it's not just the history of the season

that's creepy it's also the creatures. Now, we've obviously covered a few Christmas cryptids in past episodes. We've even tackled the big questions like, is Santa Claus actually a goblin? But there are so many paranormal Christmas monsters, I thought it was about time that we go through the full list to warn our listeners of the dangers that could face them this Christmas. Ooh, a fantastic idea. Roy, you know we love to do a PSA here in This Paranormal Life, so if we can keep our listeners safe by warning them, I think that's a great idea.

But first, a quick word from our sponsors. All right, let's dive into our list of the most famous and dangerous Christmas cryptids. First on our list is a little lady called Frau Perchta. And when I say lady, I mean Christmas witch. Oh, wow. In Bavarian and Austrian folklore, Perchta was said to roam the countryside during midwinter and to enter people's houses during the 12 days between christmas and epiphany similar to santa and the legends of odin perchta would reward the good

children and quote discipline the bad okay that seems like more coded language i don't know what that means does that mean perish does that mean perish again no no no just like hey you know if the kid's been good. Hey, you little scamp, here's a f***ing cookie. Here's a little toy. Maybe a ball and string. Oh, you bad kids. Time for some discipline.

Yes, that's that word again. I just feel like maybe, like, I don't know if it's a net positive, this witch coming around. Like, I don't know if the cookies and the balls on strings are making up for the discipline quote-unquote disciplining yeah because i'd rather just not have the chance of having a cookie and she doesn't come yeah sometimes my mom bakes cookies anyway so i'm just gonna chill with her in the kitchen and it's worth bringing up because you're right the balance was off if you were good you might find a small silver coin with you the next day. If you were bad, she would creep into your bedroom during the night, cut your stomach open with a knife, steal your organs, and replace them with rocks and straw, turning you into a scarecrow while you're alive.

Arrest her. Arrest this woman. Arrest this woman. It's not worth the cookie. I don't want to enter this weird f***ed up game where I either become a scarecrow or get a cookie or a coin. Imagine being a little Austrian child and you wake up with a little coin under your pillow and you run downstairs and you're so excited.

You're like, mama, mama mama mama look i got the coin and then they're just your father and your mother are huddled over the deceased body of your sister just torn limb from limb skinned alive you're like oh this it's actually he's doesn't the coin doesn't make up for much. Yes. The rewards and the punishments, I don't think we're even in that scenario. As you can tell, this is one of the most terrifying Christmas creatures that exist in folklore that you do not want to have mess with you.

I mean, if you're on Santa's naughty list, you just get a less shit gift. Coal, right? Yeah. You still get given something. Which I know the joke has been said many times in 2022 coal costs real money by the way yeah i'd rather these days coal's not a bad gift anymore it's actually pretty awesome it is sort of believable in all these old

stories that the balance of benefits perks and drawbacks is not exactly equal because if you think about it back then the worst thing that could happen to a person pretty bad but right right the best thing that could happen to someone was not that good like like i feel like these days people joke a lot about like i don't know winning the lottery there was no lottery back then okay i see what you mean like the best thing that could happen to a person is like you have a good harvest you survive the winter so like yeah i know what you mean so i do understand maybe their brains can't even comprehend the idea of an actual good reward right so it's a small it's a small, tiny silver coin. That to them was a lifetime supply of burritos or some 21st century reward.

Whatever a millennial fantasy would be, unlimited kombucha for life. But this festive witch is only the first creature on our list. It's time to move on to number two, the legendary monster that may be familiar to fans of the U.S. office. We are, of course, talking about Belschnickel. Oh, okay. Now, Belschnickel is described as, quote,

a crotchety, fur-clad Christmas gift-bringer whose origins come from the folklore of southwestern Germany and can be found in Pennsylvania Dutch customs. Similar to Santa, he comes to the children before Christmas, bringing gifts! Dissimilar, Belschnickel has a stick. He has a stick and he calls... Maybe it's

a walking stick. Maybe it's a walking... Maybe he needs it to get around. He doesn't. It's a whipping stick. He's actually pretty athletic. He uses it to scare the local children into being nice. Not to hit them. No one said he hits them.

He just freaks them out a little, waves the stick around, and shows them, encourages them, I should say, to be nice. To be nice, kids. Although, between you and me, brother, sometimes that stick sees a little action. Sometimes if Belshtickkel finds a pocket of time where the CCTV cameras don't cover it, you know, sometimes he'll just trip them up and give them a little clock around the shoulders. Between you and me, brother, sometimes Belschnickel has a few whiskeys.

And then some of those practice whips actually find a target. They do. and then uh some of those practice whips actually find a target they do in modern stories i will say that the stick is only used for noise to warn children that they still have time to be good before christmas but the implication is there well no one's hey he's gonna whip the kids like this is the equivalent of like belchnickle might as well have two carving knives that he sharpens against each other like i'm not gonna i'm not gonna use them on the children we're gonna use the knives but you know between you and me it just keeps the kids on their toes to hear the sound of two blades being sharpened well apparently it works if the children then i don't know and repent or pray to belchnickle uh on christmas day all the good children receive candy if they're polite about it receive check notes a single small coin

to share this is basically they're being visited by a ghost or a spirit before christmas to be good for christmas day no one was parenting their children back then i'm starting i i don't want to blow this case wide open at beast number two but i feel like we're seeing a pattern already which is that the beasts of christmas all want the same thing and that is children to be good yeah a lot of them like were the parents just so busy that they were like i don't have time to teach this kid shit i'm going away to the mines for four months right don't up anything in the house otherwise belchnicle will skin you and eat you like yeah is that the the line of logic

maybe it was it was like just an easy way to control your children i think probably now in a day's parents are more concerned about just the concept of lying to youths uh until i don't know they're grown-ups but maybe in the olden days, it was like, I don't have time to try and like form an intimate relationship with this child and get them to obey me. So do the dishes or the f***ing dingleberry comes at night and eats your eyes. Now, look, I will say that, yes,

there are a lot of bad eggs on our Christmas list, but not all of these christmas creatures are evil they simply do evil things to make children good that makes them evil that makes them evil i'm not accepting that logic that doesn't necessarily make them evil if they're doing something evil to make a child good do you understand you're the joker you're trying to justify crime i think i really need to uh be considerate of which side I'm trying to take, because next on the list is Perfutar, known as Father Whipper. How many? All right.

Can we just, I feel like we could just breeze through a number of creatures on this list based on do they have a stick or a whip? Is there going to be more? Can you tell me now how many more have a stick or a whip is there gonna be more can you tell me now how many more have a stick or a whip there may be a few others with cane like items but it doesn't define them as people they're individuals and they're worth talking about complex paranormal entities in their own right father whipper isn't't just some Christmas man who whips people, all right? He's actually got a lot more interesting personal characteristics that define him as a human being. He eats children.

So the name is a complete red herring. Just because his name is Father Whipper doesn't mean he's inherently evil. He does eat children, though. He's eaten children. The legends say that he was a Frenchman who originally worked as a butcher before luring children into his shop and killing them.

Hold on, I thought he was a paranormal creature. You're saying he's just a bloke? Well, he was a man at one point. Apparently, he allegedly was a man. He was a Frenchman. He used to work as a butcher. Okay. That is not the wildest part of the story.

This is where the story becomes fantastical. The legend goes that he was then visited by Santa himself, who condemned him to a life of slavery. Now, Père Foutard has to accompany Saint Nick to the houses of naughty children to punish them. There is no way. You're telling me Santa went to... Look, he makes a lot of mistakes, all right?

He got a lot of shit right. The presents, the reindeer, the Christmas, all that jazz. He got that right. But sometimes Santa makes mistakes. Santa went to a serial killer and hired him and hired him to abuse children. He didn't hire him. He condemned him to a life of slavery.

But he works for santa he works for santa santa exclusively yeah look the man knows how to scare kids he's eaten like six of them so if you need someone to make sure these kids stay in line send a cannibal down the chimney that's how you do it this yeah santa's talking to perfutar he's like i need some backup dude we need to do a good cop bad cop routine or something because these kids just see me as lovable old f***ing saint nick yeah they don't i need a guy flicking a butterfly knife in the corner just putting the fear of god into them because maybe some of these kids don't even care they're on the naughty list and santa's like you should be on the nice list next time and they're like we don't care so what are you gonna do yeah i don't care santa i'm rich

my parents just buy me whatever i want yeah all right well there's another side to this there's a there's another santa maybe that's it santa has to send pear down he's like just eat one of the kids in front of the other naughty kids as like a threat and then maybe that'll get them in line you know when you're like you fire someone uh to show that you're dominant as a boss is that a thing we cannot justify this any further all right let's get a little bit more light-hearted i feel like we've been talking a lot about eating and killing children so uh let's take a more festive spin on it and talk about a classic christmas monster that we've covered in a previous episode i am of course talking about the yule Lads. A-O, a TPL favorite. For those who don't know,

the Yule Lads are 13 different Icelandic trolls, each with their own distinct name and personality. We did do an entire episode on the Yule Lads and their history, so definitely check it out if you haven't heard it yet. And sure, yeah, the Yule Lads were known for stealing things and occasionally scaring children. But in more recent stories, they're known for giving gifts and rewarding well-behaved children. However, their mother...

No, don't. Stop. I don't know if I want to hear it. Hey, I'm just... You said we were going to do something uplifting, lighthearted, festive. It's over the 13 icelandic trolls can you imagine how cool and quirky they are and they give gifts to children their mother though their mother grilla is a little different but i'm sorry to say does she does she eat children she 100%. There's no way. I didn't remember this detail at all. She kidnaps cooks and eats children straight up. So that was the more lighthearted section. What could possibly be next?

If that was the most lighthearted, uplifting section of this podcast, what could possibly be next? I knew we were getting into the dark side of Christmas, but this is just heinous. Next on the list is the legend of Hans Trapp. He doesn't sound like a nice guy. Where is this going? Also known as the Christmas Scarecrow.

Number seven on the list, Stalin. Stalin was a dictator around Christmas. The story of Hans Trarup is so insane. I think maybe next year we should do it as a full investigation because it's crazy. So I will keep this section brief. He tried to eat a child. He did try and eat a child. He worshipped the devil.

He was exiled into the forest by the church and eventually died while trying to eat a child when he was struck by lightning. But that's not a... They're not a... You said we were covering the eight monsters of Crisp. I guess they're monsters in... Monsters? He tried to eat a boy! But I thought literal monsters.

What is paranormal about a child-eating man? A child cannibal? When Zeus has to step in and kill you, you know you're a monster. When he has to intervene and strike you with lightning so your heart stomps so you can't eat a boy, I'd say that makes you a monster, brother. I'm just conscious that I think we started off with kind of like cryptids that roam the planes between our world and the next world at Christmas. The next world and the kindergarten yes unfortunately yes uh but now we were into i i think that's now two just straight up men they're not just men just

men one of them kill one of them is santa's right hand man that makes him borderline paranormal if he's traveling the world hans trap yeah he maybe is just a dude who tried to eat a child. Jesus Christ. But here you go. If you want to get a little more paranormal, if you want to get a little more festive, our second last Christmas monster is, of course, the one and only Krampus.

Okay, thank God. We're getting into something resembling a paranormal creature. Now, again, we did in the past do an entire episode just on Krampus, so if you haven't heard it, please do go back and listen, it's a great episode. But for the few of you who don't know, Krampus is described as the demonic anti-Santa. He's often depicted as either an anthropomorphic beast man,

or sometimes just as the devil. Similar to a lot of the other monsters on this list, Krampus punishes bad kids by hitting them, or in some stories, stealing them from their homes and dragging them to hell. Well, all you can say is the man has class because he doesn't need them, allegedly. That shouldn't be the bar of class.

Fair play. Never even had a nibble not even when it was all the rage back in the day and everyone was doing it apparently according to this list according to hans trap they taste pretty good it was worth getting hit by lightning for so they're obviously pretty delicious uh i don't know what he does to the children once they reach hell i think he is still quite a bad man. He has in many pictures just a basket on his back stuffed with children. Yeah, I definitely like on our previous episode about Krampus. I do recommend that people pull out their phones if they're in a safe location and Google Krampus and check out the Google images.

There's some fantastic kind of old postcards and christmas cards yeah that were made you know probably a couple of hundred years ago all across europe and they depicted christmas cards were built different back then i will say they're really they were a lot more disturbing and strange um but there's really amazing drawings of Krampus. Yeah, always in some various form of putting children in nets. Yeah, looking like some kind of horrible half goat, half man, devil monster thing. And I do seem to remember disturbingly,

which is extremely bad optics for Santa. Santa is in some of the postcards too, helping him put the children in nets. Yeah, they have a complicated relationship. I don't quite understand it. Another good thing to look out for if you're Googling that is of course something we talked about.

Krampusnacht celebrated on December 5th where local people dress up like Krampus and go out into the town beating members of the public with sticks. And you can watch videos of this online. Yeah, this is an actual thing. It's still going going on people come out to watch the crampi whatever the plural of krampuses is uh these men dressed up like this christmas monster and they're not even doing it in like a comical sense like a stick made of foam kind of like hitting the youngsters they are chasing

people down in the streets and beating them with sticks yeah it's a weird tradition it's definitely worth watching i know i said to pull out your phone and check it out maybe you wait till you're not in a public space for that one people will think you're insane if they see you watching that a dude dressed like a goat whipping a man with a stick and finally on our list of course we had to throw him in here, Santa Claus himself. So in what way is Saint Nicholas, God bless his soul, a monster of Christmas? Well, Kit, a cryptid is described as a living being. Don't you pull out the Oxford English Dictionary.

Webster's Dictionary defines cryptid as whatever the hell I say it is. All I'm saying is cryptids often possess superhuman powers or great physical strength. We are talking about a man who allegedly visits every child in one night carrying a bag filled with enough toys for all the children of the world. That would give him superhuman strength and superhuman abilities if he's really going to pull off this thing. all the children of the world. That would give him superhuman strength and superhuman abilities if he's really going to pull off this thing. So by definition, Santa is kind of a Christmas monster. Listen, if we're going to get super technical about it, I am being facetious. We have often claimed that Santa is absolutely paranormal, whether he exists or not uh not for us to say we we haven't done a

full paranormal investigation into santa but clearly he's getting up to something paranormal yeah i always this was like a weird thing that i didn't realize was a divide when you got presents from santa as a kid were they underneath the tree when you woke up? Or were they in your room? Bro, don't get me started on this. I didn't even know there was such a wide range of beliefs. I couldn't believe it. On the subject.

Wait, but I don't know which way you're going to go down. This could tear us apart. But this is what gets me. I didn't have a choice, by the way. I don't care which is which i'm just saying what happened to me yours were under the tree weren't they you little freak that they weren't that would be normal that is literally the most commonly depicted version of presents at christmas in all of media santa presents are in the bed in the bed family

presents are under the tree that's how you make the distinction then you wake up and you're like oh santa's been here i can see the presents so our presents were yes in our room okay and we had i think next and maybe as we got older maybe then once I started buying gifts from my parents and stuff, maybe that went onto the tree. Maybe that was the idea. Yeah. Eventually you were bedroom as well. Bedroom bottom of the bed.

Yeah. Bottom of the bed. Yeah. That's interesting. I'd love to know what the, like, what is the history or like geography of like what they do where, I mean,

it was all right. It doesn't make any sense for him to come into my bedroom and place them by my feet. It makes a lot more sense for it all to just be under the tree. Well, talking to my wife, Danielle, I also didn't realize she was shocked that growing up, I only got gifts from Santa. She was like, she was like, well, so you got gifts from Santa and your parents? Yes. I was like, all right all right richie rich like nice for some nice for some but i was like i was like the whole point of the of the whole gift giving at christmas santa gets gifts for children right that's the that's the gig why would my parents

also get me gifts so you just thought like for the longest time that your parents didn't get you anything for christmas you're like at least santa loves me you monsters but like that's not the point of christmas is getting gifts from your parents it is though because you get them a gift as well did you get your parents a gift not when i was six years old i didn't have money what are you talking about the point of christmas is santa makes the gifts and he gives it to the children no he gives them to everyone i don't think that's true i i do not think that's true and i think you're wrong on that there's no he gives him to everyone and then he eats a couple kids right isn't that what happens my parents would get presents from santa sound off in the

comments if your parents got presents from Santa. Because that's unhinged. Telling someone that your parents didn't give you Christmas presents sounds wild. It sounds absolutely wild. I don't believe that that is strange. And we're going to have to hear from the listeners. Your parents didn't get you a present. Also didn't get a present themselves.

I will say there might have been a stocking filler or something. Like there might have been something. Right, right. They got, but like not like real gifts, I don't think. That's crazy. It's really not crazy. It's crazy to you. It's crazy to you, apparently.

Please let us know your version of all this. Unless it's weird or you agree with Rory. In that case, keep it to yourself. Shut the hell up. That is it that is our list of christmas creatures i mean you know kid as a fellow paranormal investigator we've rattled through a lot of different kind of monsters in this list ranging from paranormal to child eater if there was one of these beasts that you had to go head to head with and investigate yourself, which one would you be most interested in? That's an interesting way of putting it, Rory, because I might be interested in them.

I am scared of most or all of them. Yeah. A couple of them were just grown men, serial killers at large. Sure. They got hired by Santa. I would not be choosing to. No, one of them was just a murderer. You keep saying he got hired.

That was only one of them. The other one was just... What was his name? Hans Trapp. There was Hans Trapp and Father Whipper. So I think if I did have to look into one myself, it might be Belschnickel, just for a little bit more of a paranormal air.

And let's face it, a fun name that we can all get on board with. Yeah, he was definitely one of the more light-hearted creatures on the list even though he does punish people with as i said his stick that he carries around not much of a mention of either eating children or dragging them to hell so he would be a fun playful one and an interesting one actually to investigate i mean i would be all i would love to go to iceland and go you know looking for the yule lads but you did throw me off with their mother grilla of course yeah i think that's what i would pick probably the yule lads to investigate myself uh anytime i fly back to northern ireland for christmas it is basically uh me spending time with 12 lads

uh anyway so it would be very similar to the kind of Christmas environment that I'm used to. Keep an eye on the mother, though. Keep an eye on the mother because she does cook and eat children. I don't know if she'd be interested in me. I think I've maybe missed the window of child. So maybe I'm in the clear and I could just hang out with the lads. You wake up on Christmas morning with a woman hovering over your bed. You start screaming. She's like, oh like oh shit you're a grown man it was just the the race car bed and the and the jammies threw me off so much i thought you were a little boy i'm sorry sir i'm sorry to

bother you well there you have it folks that is our full list of paranormal christmas creatures and a little insight to the dark history behind christmas itself wow i hope you guys enjoyed this very special festive episode and in fact this is the last episode of this paranormal life in 2022 next week before new year's we're going to be doing our famous annual best of episode where we relive some of the highlights of the last year with some of our favorite moments from the show. It's going to be a lot of fun. Rory, that is going to be fantastic. But in between now and then, we have a lot of festive celebrations to get on with, as I'm sure our listeners do. Absolutely. So as I said,

thank you so much for joining us hope you guys are having a great christmas holiday season we want to thank you for coming on this wild journey with us through 2022 this podcast you know what this podcast is a gift it's a gift i'm grateful for every day we come down your chimney every tuesday and we get to investigate a brand new paranormal tale i've never eaten a child as well i've got that going for me which is pretty good yeah i think the metaphor might be running a little thin uh no thank you so much for listening and thank you so much for joining us for all of 2022 there are a lot of podcasts out there so it's it's a it's a joy that you've

decided to spend time with us and enjoy your festive season with us. We've been so phenomenally lucky to be doing this Paranormal Life, having you listen to us year in, year out, that we've been able to celebrate quite a few Christmases at this point. Yeah. So it's strange to be in this position again, but it's so fun to do and to look back. And as Rory says, maybe if you haven't heard those

christmas specials check them out over the holiday season and of course if you're looking for more content to be able to unwrap over the holidays we have it all over on patreon.com where you can get access to an incredible backlog of bonus episodes imagine throwing some coins in a black hole and all of a sudden you've got 50 bonus presents to open up on Christmas morning. That sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me. So check it out on patreon.com

forward slash this paranormal life. And also over on Patreon, we're going to be doing next week our end of year Q&A where Kit and I sit down and answer all of the questions the community have, have a few drinks, chill out, and celebrate the ending of the year.

So if you think that party would interest you, check it out on patreon.com. We also give shout outs to the people on the $20 and higher tier over on Patreon. We're going to do that right now. Special thank you to Caitlin Farley. Caitlin's been waitling all year for christmas because this is her favorite time wow love it she's got a stick i don't know that she's

in it for the right reasons i'll be honest thanks to andrew gentry andrew gently gentry uh oni walks around barefoot he wants to have like minimal impact on the planet and the world around him. Physically? Minimal impact physically? Like he doesn't want to wear shoes? Exactly. He wants to go gently everywhere. Right.

He still barely recycles, flies everywhere he can. All right, well, let's not character assassinate the poor man. He doesn't have shoes, damn it. Thanks to Wayne A. Smith. Wayne A. Smith, God loves the guy. His actual legal name is Lil Wayne.

Right. I mean, you can imagine, whenever Lil Wayne came along, blew up his whole shit. Because he was Lil Wayne because he's actually big. It was an ironic nickname. Sure. Lil Wayne came along, blew up that, so he had to legally get his name changed to Wayne A. Smith. You know, it sucks, but that's what happens sometimes. It so I had to legally get his name changed to Wayne A. Smith you know, it sucks but that's what happens

sometimes he actually changed his name to Nelly first he was like well no one will pick this and then of course Nelly came around that's unbelievable he went to Drake next he did and now he's like

now he's had to change it again just good luck, bud. Thanks to delusions. Rory, this guy's got delusions of grandeur. I was at the bar with him the other day. He was so drunk he said, this Santa guy thinks he's all that. I'm gonna one-up him.

I'm gonna do every child in the world faster. Ooh, that's dangerous because Santa kind of gets away with it because of his jolly demeanor and stuff but if you're just a guy trying to quote unquote get to every kid in the world yeah like he's gonna have to cut some corners like what are the gifts

gonna like even look like he said he might even give out cigarettes to some of them so like I don't stop him before he goes. Thanks to Jessica Marshall. Jesse Marsh lives in a marsh. Surprisingly nice. Surprisingly nice.

Has a friend who's a talking donkey. Married to royalty. You're thinking of Shrek, the movie. No, because Shrek lives in a swamp, not a marsh. Quite similar. I think they're pretty similar. I think arguably they're pretty interchangeable. Who did you say this person was? Shrek lives in a swamp, not a marsh. It's quite similar. I think they're pretty similar. I think arguably they're pretty interchangeable.

Who'd you say this person was? Shrek. No, you didn't. You did not say that the first time. Thanks to Carrie Bahannon. Carrie Bahannon is friends with a gingerbread man and a talking donkey. And they live in the marshland. Oh, see, I was going to say,

could we be talking about Fiona or Shrek, but you threw me with the marsh. Totally different place. Totally different place. That's crazy, though. They must have based that story on a real person, maybe Carrie. Thanks to Michelle Gutierrez Fernandez.

Are you missing shells? Did you used to live on the beach, but now you live in the big city and you miss shells? Come on down to Michelle's Miss Shells, where you can get the feeling of the beach in the heart of the city. That's cool. I'll take, I don't know what way you do it, but if I could just get like, I don't know,

like a bag of shells or something. Absolutely. Which shell? Thank you so much. Which kind of shell? I don't know. Can you inform me of the types? Yep. Sea shell? Yeah, so much. Which kind of shell? I don't know. Can you inform me of the types? Yep. Seashell?

Yeah, obviously sea because... Okay. Yeah, so let's start there. So a seashell. Seashell. I thought you were sorry. I just thought it was going to be like conch shell or like... Yeah, okay. We have to start somewhere. So seashell? Turtle shell? No, not a turtle shell. That's crit. Are you hunting turtles?

You said seashell. You wanted a seashell. So we have every kind of turtle shell you want. No, not a turtle. No, not a turtle shell no not a turtle that's crit are you hunting turtles you said see shit you wanted a seashell so we have we have every kind of turtle shell you know not a turtle no not a turtle shell they're endangered so you'll have to give me 15 minutes to get the shell no please don't thanks to ryan if it isn't spying ryan this son of a bitch is always wearing a wire even if you just go out for drinks you know and he's like tell me about your weekend and he leans in it's like i can see the wire poking out ryan yeah i can see the pizza van parked outside the bar with a giant satellite on top i'm not gonna say anything controversial and then he just always usually freaks out and jumps out a window but he's good for a round thanks to louise pier. Louise is good fun. We actually, I bumped into her at this marsh party.

This illegal marsh rave. Yeah. Not long ago. Was there a donkey there? The man I was so faded. It was like, I think you're right though. That's crazy. Okay.

I think you're right. There was like, there was this cat. It was like, just like Fortnite dancing. Puss in Boots, probably. Yeah. I think you're thinking about shrek again the movie shrek it definitely wasn't oh yeah you're right this was in london yeah sorry yeah sorry thanks to ben hoffman hey come on down to hoffman's coffins they sell coffins did one of your loved ones recently kick the bucket? No. Come on down to Hoffman's Coffins, where we will bury your dead in style.

We use untraditional materials to build a device to capture your loved ones and bury them in the ground. So it's a little unorthodox. They're not dead yet. The materials. Is that what you're saying? Who said that? To capture them. To capture them. A little unorthodox. They're not dead yet. The materials. Is that what you're saying? Who said that? Who said that? To capture them.

To capture them. Because I was about to say, thankfully, thank God, there's no one I need one for, but I guess if it's a decent price, I could store it and hold on to it for my own inevitable demise. You could.

It's a pretty, well, again, you know, it's a pretty, we use unconventional materials. That's all I'm going to say. So it's not that expensive. I'm not really interested in that. Can you just get a wood one? We don't have, it's not wood.

What is it? It's more of a net. Okay. That we use to capture and bury your loved ones. What's the price? For the net? How much have you got? And don't try and run, sir.

Because we can catch you. Thanks to Zachary Eckert. Zachary Eckert holds many records. Loads of world records. For what? A sport? You know, just like, you know, most amount of wasps in your mouth at one time. Most amount of wasps, like, on your body at one time.

So mostly wasp stuff, right? Yeah. And with bees easier most amount of no no no i did one this weekend most amount of wasps eaten bad idea to eat the wasps because they seem like the only thing that was getting you records so don't eat them because now they're gone thanks to kelly murr kelly murr is really poor oh Oh. She's really poor. She's down on her luck. So it's incredible that she used her last coin to flick it into the bucket of the paranormal pals. Damn, I didn't even think about that. And guess what?

That just opened up the doors to the commune to you. So come on in. Get yourself a warm meal. I won't say of what, but it is warm. You're in a safe place now with fellow peasants. Kelly, it's kind of a beautiful place because here, even the richest man who walked through these gates is now a purr. We're all equal.

All of us. Thanks, lastly, but not leastly today, to Alistair Robertson. Alistair Robertson's job is done on December 26th when he can put down his weapon stick. Oh god. Because the day is over. The night is over. He was the ninth monster. Didn't make the cut. He was. Sorry you didn't make the list this time, but

hey, there's always next year for the next Christmas list. So thank you Alistair and thank you to everyone who supports us on Patreon. This podcast couldn't exist without you. All right, Kit. We got to go open some Christmas presents. And what's that?

I hear footsteps up on the roof. Looks like we better hit the hay, bud. Okay. Oh, wait, hold on. That's not the roof above us. That's the attic. Huh? That's...

What the f***? Who the f*** is up there? All right, that's actually kind of weird that's not supposed to i can hear like men's voice i can hear like three men's voices yeah all right we're gonna we're gonna end the podcast but we hope you have an amazing holiday season and we'll see you again very soon bye-bye bye-bye folks