This Paranormal Life - #339 HALLOWEEN SPECIAL - LIVE From London

Episode Date: October 31, 2023

HAPPY HALLOWEEN! We've spent the last 4 weeks touring across the flat-earth, finally ending up back in London to perform our BIGGEST live show ever at the Hackney Empire. It was such an incredible way to celebrate Halloween and the amazing community that supports us, so we wanted to share that moment with everyone! We'll be back next week with our regular scheduling (I think Rory's been asleep for 3 days). Until then, have a fantastic and spooky Halloween! Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and YouTubeJoin our Secret Society Facebook CommunitySupport us on Patreon.com/ThisParanormalLife to get access to weekly bonus episodes!Buy Official TPL Merch! - thisparanormallife.com/storeIntro music by www.purple-planet.comEdited by Philip Shacklady Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Are we alone in the universe? Do ghosts and spirits walk among us? Why in the hell did you pay money to see a live podcast? It's time to find out at This Paranormal Life Live! Screaming gangster 20 years later. Of course he does what consciousness fated. New generation believing in fables. Next up, we'll two tag teamers.

Let's go! Let's go! How are we doing tonight? How is everybody doing tonight? Wow, thank you so much, everyone, for coming here to see this paranormal life live at the Hackney Empire. Oh yeah, make some noise.

I really do love London, you know, you got everything here. You've got the pubs. Okay, yes. You've got the museums. Slightly quieter chant for that one, okay. Where were you? I see what kind of crowd we're dealing with tonight. But of course, last but not least, you've got the football. Oi, oi.

Oi. Wait, hold on, you like football? Can't stand it, I really can't. Can't stand it? I don't think I've ever seen a full football game in my life. I don't even know if I know all the rules. But my friends do say, you know,

football is a lot like strip clubs. You only really have to remember one rule, you're not allowed to use your hands. Jesus Christ. You better watch this, son, that's the beautiful game you're talking about. Strip clubs or football? Football! Football, of course. Obviously. For God's sake, yeah, we're stunned. We're so thankful to be back. As Rory says, we were in America. We've been away for about the last month. We were in America for about two weeks.

I'll be quite honest, I think we overstayed our welcome. Specifically in LA. I think we spent too long there. It started like rubbing off on us in weird ways. Like by the time we left LA, I'd got my teeth whitened. I started to hit the beach. I was developing a bit of a tan. I found a therapist, started talking about my emotions.

Thank God I snapped out of that. Oh, yeah. Jesus. Welcome home. How embarrassing. I had gone completely soft. Bro, you're not going to believe this. I actually...

I actually smiled at a stranger in the street one day. What was I thinking? Why? Did he have a dog? Not even. He probably thought I was into him. But that's just the vibe I give off anyway. But no, it is good to be back, I would say.

No, I mean, I think Americans always say about this part of the world, they say, we're not as friendly as they are. It's just the UK people,

we're just maybe not friendly people. I think it's just not right, is it? Like, I had the loveliest conversation on the way over here tonight with the guy who mugged me.

Like, just the loveliest guy, you way over here tonight with the guy who mugged me. Like, just the loveliest guy. You know what I mean? That's sweet. Let me keep my own shoes. And it was, they just don't make them like that anymore. I mean, the therapy thing, we just don't do it in the UK like they do it in America. I don't know, Rory, you're American,

but you've been living here. Ever do therapy? I've never done it before in my life. We couldn't tell. How could you tell? And that's how we know he's f***ing British, innit? Oh, f*** what? Talking about your feelings.

But I just think, it's not because we're bad people, is it? We just don't need it. Because we've got queuing. Yeah. You know, like, that's all therapy is is just remaining stationary for long enough to think about how shit your life is like whenever I go to the post office by the time I get to the front desk I'm a new man I've been thinking for 25 minutes I've been standing there thinking about murdering violently everyone I

don't like. Right, and by the time you get to the front desk and they're like, you know, hi, why are you here today? Your response is usually, I don't know, I think it's something with my father. And the woman at the desk is not getting paid enough for that conversation. No. Yeah, you're just like, oh, right, right, right, the packages. Yeah, I'll be sending a bomb to my dad. We're not here to talk about any of that.

We're here for this Paranormal Life Live. Yes, a show that the New York Times has described as unsuitable for children, the elderly, or anyone with an IQ in double digits. Let's get a little cheer. Who's heard the podcast before? Okay. Okay. Arguably a useless metric in retrospect.

Sure. Let's do it again, but it's for people who've never heard the podcast before. This guy! This guy! I don't believe it. There's got to be one more. No, it's not one guy

okay we got another we got a few we got a few you're in for an interesting night brother well hey we'll make it easy for you sir and those of you who haven't heard the podcast before or haven't heard it many times why don't I just introduce the team

to kick things off let's go of course standing right here in front of you is the one and only Rory Magic Powers. Thank you. The big guy himself. Standing just to my right, all the way from Port Rush, Northern Ireland, Kit Greer-Malveta. Woo!

Was that booing? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. All right, we're going to need security on standby. Back in the foyer, selling merch like it's nobody's business, we have manager Charlie. Shout out, Charlie. And of course, in the booth at the back,

making sure we sound so good every week, is the one and only editor Phil. Shout out, Philip. so good every week is the one and only editor phil shout out philip we actually also have another special guest in the audience tonight oh and that is the one and only researcher amy oh shit oh yeah so if you've ever listened to an episode of the podcast and realized that a lot of the podcast and realize that a lot of the truths we're saying are completely made up talk to amy right amy as we like to call her the complaints department thanks for that amy now you know the nice thing about uh being a team like this is we've been on the road so long i've been working together for so long we're so in sync with each, I guess you could say that we don't miss a beat.

Oh, we're sharp as a whip. All right. We've been doing this... All right. So late, Phil. Don't play it if it's that late, Phil. We've been doing this show for about six years, as you guys well know. And in that time, we have proved without shadow of a doubt, indubitably, that we are the greatest paranormal investigators ever. Who laughed? Right, thin ice.

Thin ice. The problem is, we've proven we are the best, collectively. Sure. The problem with that is, only one can wear the crown. Wow. Thank you. Fun fact, that music plays every time we say the crown. Don't. Oh.

Yeah, okay. You got it. They really hold that last note, don't they? They do. They really do. Why don't I tell you guys a little bit about what we're going to get into tonight? Let's do it. Tonight, you are going to hear two stories, one by myself, one by Kit.

I have no idea what his story is he has no idea what my story is but they're both set right here in this very city before the night is out it will be up to you the voting public who've never f***ed it up before to to decide who is the victor and who will take home the C word. Don't. Don't call it that. We gotta call it something. Now, if you have listened to the show before, you know

that every week we bring our stories to life using music and sound effects, and I'm happy to say that today is no exception because I have my little magic box. That's right. Using this box, I can take you to unimaginable worlds.

I can make you feel like you're fighting aliens on a moon base. I can make you feel like you're hunting vampires in Transylvania. like you're hunting vampires in Transylvania. I can take you to worlds beyond that, that you've never even imagined. How about a world where my father is actually proud of me?

I'm proud of you, son. What was that? That was like a little voice message my dad recorded for me. A little good luck voice message before the show. It was really sweet. Yeah, can we hear that one one more time? I'm proud of you, son. Yeah, so that's the voiceover guy from the start of the show. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, no, no. No, no, no. He recorded, well, yeah, sorry. My dad did the stuff at the start, too. He did the start of the show as well? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your dad did, yeah. No, no, no. No, no, no. He recorded... Well, yeah, sorry. My dad did the stuff at the start, too. He did the start of the show as well? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your dad did, yeah. Yeah.

All the like, yeah. All the like that shit. Like, he did that, too. It was really cool. He's actually quite good at that. Your dad's name is Seamus, and he's from County Cork. Mm-hmm. He doesn't sound like that.

He had a cold that day? Did he now? Yeah. Right, okay. It's clearly the voiceover guy that we hired on Fiverr for the start of the show. Doesn't sound like that. He had a cold that day? Did he now? Yeah. Right, okay. It's clearly the voiceover guy that we hired on Fiverr for the start of the show. So why don't you just tell me how much he charged you for the line? Joke's on you.

He felt so bad for me, he did it for free. All right, give me the soundboard. Give me the soundboard. More than fair. All right, a little bit of housekeeping before we begin tonight's performance. As I said, there are two shows. There is no interval. If you want a drink, grab a drink. If you've got to pee, just pee.

No. Do it. In the event of a fire, run. No one told me what the procedure is for this building. Right, I will. That's where I come in then, apparently. Just calmly make your way to the clearly designated, legally mandated fire exits Well technically every exit is a fire exit once the fire's going

Right, don't say once the fire's going Because it makes it sound like there is going to be a fire Well you don't know what's in my script brother But things are going to get hot hot hot Right, clearly I don't Stop talking, probably You know I will say one more thing on the whole fire safety procedure brother but things are going to get hot hot hot right clearly i don't stop talking probably you know i will say uh one more thing on the whole fire safety uh procedure yeah you know when something like that happens uh they usually say women and children first from my experience they

are the slowest so push them aside trample them it truly is every man for themselves and only the strong will survive. Everyone understand the safety briefing? All right, what do we think? Are we ready to begin tonight's show? Let's get the energy up! Let's hit it! Let's go!

This is my favorite part of the show because I get to sit down. I really am over 30. I've been sitting down for four f***ing weeks, mate. Flights, trains, planes. Oh, what a pleasure. Mamma mia. Who's been in this venue before then? A small group of theatre nerds in the front row.

Well, since you asked, I saw Sir Ian in 2013. No, it's astonishing, isn't it? This is very cool. It's an incredible venue. It's fantastic. So thank you guys for coming out tonight. You won't be disappointed. We've got at least one, I know, incredible paranormal tale tonight.

All right. I'm sure Kits is going to be adequate per usual. You know, it's been fascinating bringing this show around, well, the world, but the UK as well, because crowds are different, aren't they? And rooms are different. And I don't know. I think this one, I think this is a pretty wild story.

Okay. I did save the, I think this is a pretty wild story. Okay. I did save the horniest story for Glasgow. I don't know why. It just felt kind of appropriate that we got into like, I don't know. I feel like I can give spoilers now. We were talking about like sucking on demon ditties. Yeah.

And then we did the live show. Yeah. It was graphic did the live show. Yeah. It was graphic. It really was. And we're always a little bit surprised because we didn't know until our first show in Los Angeles that apparently a lot of these are all ages. We unfortunately realized that too late

for me to remove the Pornhub sound effect I had on the soundboard. So that was an interesting show. I'm sure for many in the audience, you know, there's kind of a petering laugh there where people are kind of to themselves thinking, what the hell is the Pornhub noise? That's what I thought until you hear it and you're like, oh, yeah. I know it. You all know it. Fair enough.

Stop derailing my f***ing case. Sorry. Christ, taking it to a dark place. All right. We ready? No interruptions. Come on, guys. Yeah, I don't come to your job, right? When you're like, I don't come I don't come to your job Right When you're like

I don't know Saving lives On the front line Of the NHS or something So just You know I understand laughter Is like a nice thing

But like You know Time and a place Do you think I would ever Interrupt Kit While he's trying to do An episode of the podcast No

So let's show some God damn respect guys Come on I don't follow the argument But I'll take it I'm just defending while he's trying to do an episode of the podcast? No. So let's show some goddamn respect, guys. Come on. I don't follow the argument, but I'll take it. I'm just defending you. Sorry, sorry. No, it's you?

I didn't know you were going to start just yet. Yeah. Because I felt like you... Sorry. You're still going? You felt like what? I felt like you weren't going to start yet, so I tried to get a little last line in there. Do you see how many pages I have to get through?

This is the next Roswell. Right, today's story begins not far from here, in one of the country's darkest, most cursed, and hellish corners. Croydon. I'm just joking. We're obviously talking about Highgate. So, Rory, you know all too well, this Paranormal Life,

we've covered every type of ghost story possible. Poltergeist, white ladies, ancient samurai, past presidents, Onibi, angry spirits, and Jeff the Mongoose. True. We've heard so many, Rory, at this point, we feel about ghosts the way a Subway sandwich artist feels about BLTs. We've seen one too many.

So while London is bursting at the seams with paranormal history, I knew for tonight I had to find something extra f***ed up to show you. Oh God. Bring out the donkey skeleton! Let's get this night kicked off. No.

Before I go any further, I just need to check on what Roy said earlier. There aren't any kids here, right? Oh, come on. Oh, man. Uh-oh. It's all right if there are. We can fix them up with like a free trial of BetterHelp after the show.

Yeah. Yeah, I think it was the Chicago show where a single dad was attending with his two children, and we didn't make it five... And his mother. And his mother, I should say. We didn't make it five minutes into the show before I loudly exclaimed into the mic that he was a dilf.

In front of his mother. A grandmother to these children. And then his way of covering up that faux pas was to children, and then he, his way of like covering up that faux pas was to say don't worry kids, it's just a type of elf. Yeah. Which was quick thinking. Yeah.

On reflection. A mythical dilf. Yeah, it sounds like something we would have investigated before. The best plot twist of all was he actually told us after the show they live in a commune. A real commune. He gave us a flyer to join their commune. Like I say, we need something special tonight.

So today we're diving into a ghost story where the ghost wasn't even human. It's 1943 and World War II is raging. Junior RAF aircraftman Terence Long is on leave and visiting his friends in Highgate. This was a different time, wasn't it, Rory? Imagine me and you had to go to the front line. F*** me, Britain's lucky we're not at war. Oh, yeah. I'd be like pulling every card I've got. Like, oh, I think I've got webbed toes, bad knee. I'd be doing whatever it takes to get out of that one.

Right. They'd be like, who's to sleep in quarters? First rations are at 0500 hours before basic training. I'd be like, for sure. Quick FYI, I'm vegan. So I don't really do coffee either

because it's bad for my skin. So do you have like a chamomile tea or something? Right. In the barracks. Thankfully, we weren't there. And Terrence was at his friend's house. It's getting late. He's getting ready to walk home.

And he says he's going to take a shortcut across Pond Square. His friend's face drops in that case watch out for the ghost oh damn nice well this guy's an army dude right so he's probably got some he's probably packing heat i assume i don't know i don't know. I don't know. Okay. I don't know how much he was expecting like Nazi officers at this dinner party

for friends. But maybe. I don't know the time. Terrence turned around to ask what they meant by this statement but when he did they had already

closed the door and locked it. Good friends. He thought it must just be a local legend and didn't think anything else of it. Well, it was a bitterly cold night and as he crossed Pond Square he started to hear horses hooves and turning wheels. He couldn't tell where it was coming from but it was getting nearer and nearer. He turned around as the sound screeched to a halt, expecting to see a carriage, but there isn't one.

But there was a ghost. Standing on the grass was not the ghost of a man, but the ghost of a chicken. It flapped its wings and ran around in a circle, basically like a normal living chicken. It was white, obviously, but it looked all f***ed up with feathers missing. It was running in circles until... it vanished into the air.

Don't encourage him! Rory, what do you do in that situation? The only person who should be haunted by a ghost like this is Bernard Matthews. Maybe the colonel. Or a third person, you. That's true Because of your f***ing diet, man

Some Christmas you're going to have a Scrooge night Where you get visited by four spirits Of the six million chickens you've eaten this year alone Wow, this is a wild one for sure You weren't lying when you saved a pretty interesting case for London We've had cases where we've investigated cryptids before that are quite strange. You know,

the axe-wielding goat man, the donkey lady. Yeah. But this is, and Greg, maybe I'm wrong here, a ghost cock. It's glad to hear you, I'm glad to hear you take this story seriously for once, Troy, because that's exactly what it is. Okay, I think this is very serious. I don't actually know its gender, but we can say ghost cock, yes.

Right. Now, there was an interesting start to this where you were saying that there was wheels and carriages. That felt like we were going in the direction that I usually know, that I'm kind of on board with. The ghost carriage, the cry of the banshee, this vessel carrying someone into the afterlife. There's a chicken. Where did he come from? That kind of threw me a little bit in the mix of the banshee this uh you know vessel carrying someone into the afterlife there's a chicken where did he come from that kind of threw me a little bit in the in the mix of things

i'm actually glad you picked up on that the chicken or no because you made it pretty obvious yeah can i hear that last sound effect again one more time please please? I mean the carriage because it will become important later. Okay. There's some depth to this story. I would agree. If I was Terrence

in this case well I suppose he didn't know it was a ghost carriage but were I to hear a ghost carriage, I'm like ducking. I think I'm in Sleepy Hollow. Like someone's going to try and take off my head. Thank you, Phil. Still pretty late, I would say. But, you know, A for effort. I will say, you know, traditionally, if you're seeing a ghost chicken chickens i feel like i don't associate them with necessarily

anger and that's coming from someone who's been attacked by a swan as a child right i mean those motherf**kers are vicious birds can be vicious yeah for a creature that is incredibly easy to strangle swans are are pretty daring, I'd say. They got a big hitbox. That's all I'll say. Video game fans out there. The less we ask about that, the better. I hate swans.

I just want to clear that up. But a chicken? I got nothing against a chicken. I like your eggs. That's all I'll say. That's what I would have said. I'm a big fan of your eggs that's all i'll say that's what i would have said big fan of your work yeah uh i do agree pretty much because it begs a lot of questions ghosts normally hang out because they've got unfinished business here on earth what the is this thing's unfinished business it was halfway through laying an egg when it died right there's it only has so much business uh that would be me though if i were a chicken

even though i was just a chicken and just by all intents and purposes had a chill life i would be bitter enough to hang around in the afterlife just just to f**k with the other chickens who ate my grain also saying that a chicken would stay on earth as a ghost because it was halfway through laying an egg also implies if a human was halfway through taking a shit it would stay on Earth as a ghost because it was halfway through laying an egg also implies if a human was halfway through taking a shit, it would stay on this Earth. Isn't that Elvis's ghost? It's not the first, it won't be the last. Like I say, Rory deserves to be haunted by chickens

for the rest of your life. But arguably all of London does, right? Hot take, because London is famous for chicken shops. I looked it up. 8,000 chicken shops in London. Whoa. Oh, my God. Hell, yeah.

Starting to feel weird about it, though, right? Fun fact. You know the way all the chicken shops in London are kind of like vaguely KFC rip-offs, like the logos and stuff? Did you know that it's the one guy designed all of them? What? Let me turn the page and get his name. Morris Casanova. What a name. AKA Mr. Chicken. I believe Mr. Chicken is his father, Kit. Sorry. Chicken Jr. Designed over 90% of London chicken shop logos.

The logos, I see. Wow. Hey, that's just one of those gigs where if you get in with the right crowd or flock, then you're golden. Don't pun during my story. Silence! I'm getting off topic. The point is, plenty of chickens have died in London,

but clearly, this one is special. Otherwise there'd be ghost chickens everywhere. So to really understand why there's a ghost chicken in Highgate, we've got to go back in time. Back to 1626. Ooh. Almost

400 years. Rory, we're still in Highgate, and this time with Francis Bacon. And no, that's not a pig. Have you heard of Francis Bacon? That name sounds really familiar. Have we talked about him on the podcast before?

And no, not the famous contemporary artist, Francis Bacon. That might be who I'm thinking of then. Probably. But this is an equally famous, maybe more famous person. He was the Chancellor of England back in the day, but he's famous because he invented science.

He invented science? Yep. What? We've talked about this before on the podcast. Back then, you could invent anything and become a millionaire just because you were the first person to take a bath or something.

But he invented... So it was an open book, The World, and he invented science. Wow. It sounds mad, but up until that point, the world mostly ran on vibes. I mean...

The economy, one big vibe. Politics, arguing about vibes. Healthcare, take two of these vibes and call me in the morning i mean the thing is once you go back this far you do kind of enter a weird period of history where things didn't exist yet because i remember we were uh when we did our i believe it was our 300th episode where we went all across London and drank in some of the most haunted pubs. Yeah. That was a Halloween special. I assure you,

it wasn't just an excuse for Kit and I to go get wasted all across London. But we actually went to a pub that was so old that one of the patrons who drank there was the guy who wrote the dictionary. He invented words. It's actually true. It is. So once you go back this far, you're meeting the guy that invented science. I mean, there's got to be

enough nerds in the audience who are going to have a problem with what I'm saying. But the point was, he sort of was one of the fathers of the scientific method he was one of the blokes who came along and said why don't we actually see if stuff is true and not just believe in it right he basically loved evidence which is why this podcast is his nightmare he sounds like a nerd he really you've turned on him already yeah i'm telling you this Because in 1626 In April It was freezing cold With snow all over London

Bacon Was riding in a horse-drawn carriage With the king's doctor Dr. Witherbone They were arguing over The best way to preserve food And just then Bacon looked out at the snow and had an idea. Again, another f***ing billion dollar idea.

What if we freeze shit? What if we freeze food? Dr. Witherbone thought this was a piss take. But Bacon wanted to test his theory. So they stopped the carriage immediately at Pond Square. Bought a live chicken slit its throat ripped out its feathers cut it open cleaned it and everything then packed it full of snow and buried it in the ground to come back later and see what happened so close to being hygienic and

doing things right right like cleaning the chicken removing the feathers preparing the meat and then they just slammed it in the ground buried it with snow that don't dig up that chicken don't eat that chicken right and that's coming from a guy who's eating a lot of bad chicken in his life you've eaten a lot of chicken nuggets off the ground which is pretty close i told you about that in confidence right so the only problem was going jeffrey dammer mode on this chicken meant he was now freezing. So he went to a friend's house nearby

to warm up and stay the night, but his bed was so damp and so cold that he got pneumonia and died. Whoa! Jesus! That escalated quickly. Shit was different back then. He's like, if only I hadn't invented science. Curse you!

My own creation! I mean, we've lived in some true shitholes, but this takes the piss. Oh, yeah yeah was it just soaking soaking wet what kind of house is this I mean we kind of joke but I literally got back from uh touring for the last four weeks just recently to my apartment and just out the front of my uh building the roof has collapsed and there's a big bucket where the water's been pooling. And I kind of just walked around it

and into my house. Right. Sometimes you're just, if you're a guy who's inventing science and burying chickens, sometimes you're just too busy to look after yourself. Right.

Sometimes you just gotta die. But something about this chicken's sad, short life meant it's been spotted repeatedly in North London for the last 400 years, including 1948, when Terence saw it at the beginning of our story. Throughout World War II, patrolling air raid wardens would see a white chicken at night that vanished if approached and if they chased it it would even vanish straight through a wall in 1969 a car broke down near pawn square and as he got out to see what the damage was

he saw a large up looking chicken watching him from across the road he walked closer to it, but it vanished before he could reach it. In 1970, a couple were making out in the doorway of a house when a ghost chicken flew down and landed beside them. It ran in a circle once, then disappeared.

However, I will admit, there have been very few sightings in recent years. A researcher for this episode actually lives down the road from Pond Square and went to take a look at the area. But alas, the only chicken he saw was being served at the brasserie around the corner. We are left with more questions than answers, Rory. What did this chicken want? Well, you know, I'm just going to stop you right here. Sorry, because I was in the middle of listing a lot of rhetorical questions.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It better be good. No, I just really want to stop you because you just rattled through, like, five different sightings of the ghost chicken throughout time, throughout history. You say there's some contemporary sightings, you know, coming all the way up to almost the current day. All I'm going to say is if we're investigating a case like that, usually this is where we need some evidence.

Well, it was 1600. There must be something else in here. Yeah, I can kind of see the end of the script. There weren't cameras, I don't think. Right, just, you know, you know what it's like on the podcast. Usually we tell the stories, and then at the end you go, oh, don't believe me?

Look at this. Look at this CCTV footage from a KFC where the chicken was seen running around the kitchen freeing his brothers and sisters. You know, there's usually some kind of evidence to support the case. That's a f***ing joke, man. Don't get, yeah.

Sorry, I just need to... I'm proud of you, son. Don't play that again. Don't play that again. It just makes such a difference. Sorry, just one more You're not a disappointment There's more?

You got more of those made? I thought there was one I didn't get anything made That would be weird if you only did one He obviously recorded a longer voice message And I cut it up into bite-sized samples Are there any more on that soundboard? No

Give me the soundboard. No, there's nothing else on there. All right. Take a look for yourself. Your mother and I don't think you've wasted your life. They never really come out and say it, so it's nice to hear, you know? You're so much smarter than Rory.

I mean, his words, not mine. Come over and give your old man a back rub. All right. All right, whoa, hey. That was something different, dude. Why would you get him to say that? I think his thing is like video games or something in it. It's like...

Sorry, that was come on over and give your old man a back rub? My back's a story. So, Rory, Rory, Rory. Silence! Okay. You guys don't remember that, right? Back to the story. I've told you a mad case.

We've gone over 400 years of sightings. Big gap in the middle, fair enough. Nothing recently, fair enough. Suspicious gap, yeah. Where is your head at about francis bacon's ghost chicken of highgate i think it's a okay thank you for that i think this is a really exciting story actually and as someone who yes has been haunted by chicken once in their life when i uh got food poisoning at the super bowl in 2001 the chicken came back with a vengeance trust me uh this is a case that's close to home you know i always enjoy

it when we do cryptids on the podcast but this is a weird situation where we've kind of i mean it's not a cryptid it's an animal but it's a ghost you know it's a weird mix right i mean you know i'm not gonna start poking holes in my own case here but if i were to i think the point is that like loads of animals die right so the big problem is why this one well i mean i guess that's a problem with human ghosts too but like why this ghost and all the others yeah i mean you know i will say uh when we're talking about cases where there's ghosts involved, the one thing that we need is an excuse for them to be haunting people.

Yeah. This one had a pretty bad life. Yeah. Buried in snow. Yeah. Head cut off, feathers removed. Yeah. So, I mean, it's got just as much of a reason

as any chicken to come back and haunt people. It is true. I mean, sometimes with cases it's like when a story is strange enough that almost pushes it into the more believable category doesn't it i don't know if i'd go that far i see what you're doing now people rise with me isn't it more believable that something mad happened surely a lack of evidence is a sign of a cover-up, is it not? It's like, no, it definitely isn't. Shit, it was worth a try.

Well, Rory, as I say, that's the story. Wow. Can we give a big round of applause for Kit? All right, thank you. Thanks, ladies and gents. All right, that's enough. That's enough. I said a little bit of applause for Kit, all right?

I think I earned it. That was way too much. As you know, there are two stories tonight, and that was only the first one. The best is yet to come. Are we ready to begin the second story of the night? Let's get the energy up for act two. Come on, let's get the energy up.

Phil, kill the lights. Ha! Our story today begins not far from this very building. Sorry, what the is happening? Let's get those lights back on, please. What are you doing, man? What, what? I'm trying to do a thing.

Yeah, you can't kill the lights. That's like a, it's like a... Thank you. Clearly, the front of the house is on one side here. You can't do it, mate. There's like illegal shit. Fire exits, all that. We can't do it.

If it's illegal, I'm a criminal. Phil, kill the lights one more time, please. Our story today begins not far from this very building. Right, this is not on. We can't do it. Let's keep it going. Come on, lights on. Let's keep it there. Please., lights on. Let's keep it there.

Please. For the love of God. Fine. I don't need lights or production. I'll tell my story the old-fashioned way, like the cavemen did, with words. Like you do every week. I'm a little worried, I will say, that Rory wasn't holding a script until just now,

so I'm a little concerned about what he was planning on saying. Yeah, for your information, I hadn't thought that far ahead. Right, clearly. London, when I was researching paranormal stories right here in this city, I knew I wanted to find something great, so I headed to the best place on the internet to find terrifying stories. Reddit. Sure. One post said, I'm looking for the scariest paranormal stories right here in London. Reddit, show me what you got. One reply said, if you want to find some real monsters in London, try using Hinge in your 30s.

But one post in particular did take this request seriously. User Sonic the Ledgehog wrote trustworthy guy obviously wrote

if you want to investigate a real paranormal story then you need to look into one of the most cursed and evil places that's ever existed in the UK the site formerly known as Newgate Prison I hit your chicken sounds!

Brother, what are you doing to me? You're trying to steal my sauce. Many say that even poultry was arrested behind these bars. What kind of prison was this, man? I'm about to hit this one! Okay. I'll admit, my attention peaked, Kit. You know, we've investigated haunted hospitals,

asylums, restaurants, museums, but very few haunted prisons before. It's true. You know, I suppose we can get into the details of, like like what creates a ghost. Is it some sort of awful experience or unfinished business? Put it simply, when your life is shit, you become a ghost. And these guys' lives were definitely shit. Yeah. I guess I never thought prisons would be haunted because if you died in jail, the last thing you'd want to do as

a ghost is stick around. Yeah. You're not going to be noble enough to be like, well, I got 75 years, but I only served 72. I'm going to hang around here for an extra three. I'm a ghost of my word. Yeah. Right. I was arrested for a lot of things.

Not lying, though. Murdering. Sure. Pillaging. Destroying villages. Burning them down? I ate a child once, but never lying, except for the time I said I did not eat that child. Is this the not in a weird way? Is that him? Not in a weird way. He sounds a little similar. I'm scared to pass on. Not in a weird way. Pretty sure little similar I'm scared to pass on Not in a weird way Pretty sure I'm going to go to heaven Except for the child thing

Yeah Saying not in a weird way After the child thing Is the only time it is warranted That's a situation where maybe you should be specific Yeah Okay To begin our story It's a situation where maybe you should be specific. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

To begin our story, we're going to have to dive back in time to the 13th century when King Henry III was in power. That's right. We're starting off with a bit of a history lesson. Now, King Henry was a pretty ruthless ruler, and if you broke the law, there was only one place you were going to end up. Newgate Prison. A cold, stoned, windowless fort right in the center

of London. It was a brutal place, made famous by its appalling, overcrowded, cruel and unsanitary conditions. But it's also known for more than that. Because the legends say that there's a paranormal beast that stalks the grounds of this place hunting and devouring those who cross its path jesus so not not not a prison this is a beast well there's also a prison no no but not prisoners but

some kind of creature oh there's a's a creature. Don't you worry. If you thought that a prison was pretty bad, imagine a prison that also has some sort of night demon working on the rotation. You've got to keep them in their cells somehow. Yeah, this will do it. As I said, weirdly, haven't covered a lot of prisons on the podcast before.

Right? Yeah. They are very cursed. I actually recently, I think i told you recently i drove by we went on a drive in northern ireland and we drove by the one closest to us i've never seen it before but it is creepy it is creepy when you drive by one because it never really happens and you're just thinking of all the people and all the f***ed up things right yeah they did to get in there man i mean i don't think normal people have those thoughts when they look at a prison.

But then on the flip side, you think about, like, it must be cozy, right? Like, all your meals brought to you. F***ing people not doing your head in. No phone, no notifications to annoy you. I could actually get used to that kind of place. Yeah, living in a tiny room and eating three shit meals a day is my current living situation.

So you might as well put me behind bars. Now, the story really begins when a strange elderly man arrived one day in Newgate Prison. Now, this was a place that was full of killers and thieves, so it was strange to see someone this old and feeble arrive in the jail. What was his crime, you may ask? Well, it was being a wizard. F*** off.

I wish this was a joke, but the official records state that he was thrown in jail for, quote, practicing sorcery and magic in an attempt to kill the king's subjects god damn i didn't know merlin got locked up he did pour one out for the homies shit bro free free m dog bro yeah you gotta be careful if you're doing a tribute to merlin because if you pour out a potion for the homie you don't know what that's going to do when it hits the ground.

Right, the earth explodes. Oh, shit. That's why he got locked up. He was making these potions. The evil sorcerer was locked away in jail, forced into a dark stone room with the rest of his cellmates. Unfortunately, his cellmates were the one thing that's worse than being a wizard.

They were cannibals. What? Yeah. We need, sorry, pause the music. We need to have, I don't know if anyone here works in the prison system, but this can't go on, guys. We need to start separating these prisoners out

on the severity of the crime. We can't have people who stole pick-a-mix going in with murderers. Right, especially not cannibals. I mean, the worst cellmate that you can get really paired with is a cannibal because they're one of the few criminals that can still commit their crime.

Even while in prison, they got everything they need. Right, right. It's like bringing in someone who got done for embezzlement and just being like and we need you to do a very important job of looking after the prison's finances like don't give them that opportunity the thing that they are being arrested for humans their favorite thing don't show them other humans uh it's also pretty impressive they managed to catch this many cannibals. I feel

like cannibals are infamously quite hard to arrest because the very nature of their crime involves eating the evidence. Hard to pin down. That's something you have in common with cannibals, yes. Eating the evidence. Now, I did do that once actually on an episode

of the podcast. I forgot about that. It's because it was classified. Because if Kit had seen it, it would have blown his little mind. So I had to do the noble thing and eat it. Unfortunately, I also ate the rest of the script along with it, so... I didn't really have a conclusion

for the end of the podcast. Yeah, hard cut to Roy being like, anyway, oh shit. We're going to need you to do the second half in about 45 minutes. The old man's cellmates, who were starved from meager rations, bad idea to starve them,

took one look at the feeble old man and knew that he wouldn't be able to defend himself. What are you about to say, man? You know, anything could happen. Anything could happen, and we don't know what's going to happen. But they ate the wizard. All right. All right.

They did. I was going to do it in a more dramatic fashion, but they ate the wizard. All right. They did. I was going to do it in a more dramatic fashion, but they ate the wizard. That's the one kind of defense against the dark arts.

They don't teach you at Hogwarts. You can just kill and eat the other guy. The fact that he was a wizard better not be the only paranormal thing about your case because it's pretty convenient if the only paranormal thing got eaten within the first two minutes of the case i'm telling you they ate the evidence even if today's case no we're not joking about this is a serial serial case it is kind of the following night while these prisoners slept a darkness crept into the jail. One of the men awoke to the sound of footsteps echoing down the hall. He approached the bars of the cell and peered out

into the darkness. As the footsteps grew louder, he could see a shadowy figure approaching. Now, these guys were already on edge. They had just eaten a wizard yesterday. Right, if you didn't already have a guilty conscience. Something is coming for you from the shadows. Now this thing, whatever it was, it was a figure with the same height and build as the old man that they had just eaten. Right, we can just speed this along. We all know it's the ghost of the wizard. Do we, Kit? The footsteps got louder and louder

as the figure got clearer until finally it emerged from the darkness. But it wasn't a man at all. It was a dog. A large black dog with thick, wild hair, growling like a demon. The prisoner couldn't explain it, but he'd seen those eyes before,

specifically yesterday, when he ate them. Sorry, you sounded like you had a problem with the story so far. I don't. Okay. Moving swiftly on. I just... Alfred! You told me it wasn't the ghost of the...

But it's the spirit of the wizard is now in a dog. We don't know what it is! It's his patronus or whatever. It could be anything. It could be... Yes, it had the wizard's eyes. Sure. But, you know,

they say dogs sometimes come to look like their owners. Don't they? Isn't that a thing? I'm pretty sure. So this could be some sort of ghostly spirit. It could be just a regular dog.

It could be this, could be the wizard kicking in. You know? The what? I haven't done a lot of drugs in my life, but eating a wizard? You're going to see some shit. You know what they say?

Like, don't have that second wizard until the first one's kicked in. Right, right. And if you're freaking out, take a glass of orange juice. Yeah, chill out. Put on some Snow Patrol. Just relax.

The dog will go away, don't worry. He's friendly. This continued night after night. As soon as the lights went out, this demonic dog would stalk the halls of Newgate Prison, growling with an evil snare, revealing its razor-sharp teeth. It was as if this dog was waiting for the prisoners

to be set free before it would pounce. Whoa. The strangest part of all, when the men in the prison complained to the guards about the dog, they were told, there is no dog in the prison. Sure. And yet, it would appear every night waiting for them.

Which is not something we see very often. We've actually weirdly had it a couple of times recently. But a reoccurring ghost, very often it's a one and done. That's hopefully why we don't have photographs and stuff. Yeah. But a reoccurring every night ghost. Exactly. And I mean, we investigated um spirits taking on

many forms before on the podcast but can i believe this is the first time we've ever seen people being haunted doggy style before all right please never say that again that's a technical term referring to this specific type of haunting sure but you're right this is quite a unique case so far. I guess sometimes we've seen like phantom animals, like phantom kangaroos and stuff. But I'm kind of getting that the implication here is that maybe this is the spirit of the wizard or the wizards, as you said, like familiar or something like that. How strange that we both, like we're not bullshitting at the top.

We don't know what each other are going to cover when we get into the show. So strange that we both, like, we're not bullshitting at the top. We don't know what each other are going to cover when we get into the show. Strange that we both landed on animals. It's pretty much never happened before. It worked out pretty well. We got like a little thematic thing going here, you know? Chicken, dog, no evidence, evidence. Like, it's a cool back and forth, you know? Credible, kit.

It's like a nice balance. You know, it's, and it is pure chance, and also thanks to the furries who bought out the entire top balcony. Shout out. Shout out to Furry Nation. Yeah, we're being lobbied by furries

on this podcast. Did I mention this dog had a hog? Yeah. A six pack and it was greased up. Shout out to you guys. It is Comic Con this weekend and that is the place I've seen the most furries in my entire life.

Well, you were at New York Comic Con the other day. Was there any furries? The whole wolf pack was there, brother. They really were. Yeah, there's quite a few. Was anyone here at Comic-Con so far? Anyone going over the weekend? All right, hell yeah.

I'll see you guys there tomorrow, if I survive the night. I'm wearing the gray leash. That's how you'll see me. Okay, all right. Silence, mortals! Let me get back to my story. We're getting distracted.

And like a dog, he's had all his tests, so, you know. Okay. That's all I'll say. As the weeks passed, the men became terrified that the black dog was going to make its move. So they decided to plan their escape before it could get to them. The group of prisoners rioted, killing several guards and escaping the prison walls. But they didn't make it far.

One by one, the black dog hunted them down. Even those that survived for a few days claimed to see the black dog wherever they went, following behind them like a vulture. Days later, the men were found in pieces, ripped apart with chunks of their bodies missing. Pieces? Oh, yeah.

This thing got to them. Wow, he really, really like turned the tide. They went cannibal mode on him and he was like, how would you like to look like a 12 pack of McNuggets? Right, yeah. Chopped up. I mean, it's a pretty poetic way to die, isn't it?

You ate the wizard, the wizard becomes a dog and the dog eats you. It's a pretty good end to the story. It's not a poetic ending I've ever read. I think we both know I don't understand what poetry is. And yet, this isn't the ending. Because the craziest part of all, Kit, is that hundreds of years since then,

prisoners at Newgate claimed to see the black dog still stalking the halls, watching them from the shadows until they went insane. And I know this sounds pretty far-fetched, but a dark shadow looming over you 24-7 until you go insane is pretty common even these days. They're called student loans. So we're still seeing this in the current world.

By the time the 1900s rolled around, the prison's reputation was in the gutter. Not only were the daily conditions appalling, but word of the demonic black dog had made it to the public. The building was clearly no longer fit for use and was closed in 1902 to be demolished just two years later. But here's the problem. What construction company is going to want to tangle with a building this cursed? Surely bulldozing the insides is only going to make

the hauntings worse. Well, for a job like this, there's only one group of guys that you need, Kit. A bunch of dads. Oh. Oh, yeah. Audience, do we have a word for a group of guys like this? Dad squad! Let's get that one more time.

Dad squad! That's right that one more time. Dad Squad! That's right, it's a Dad Squad! Who's that coming up the hill? Yeah, don't be scared, it's a Dad Squad. You can run, but you can't hide. Breaking the law to enforce the law. Dad Squad! What the f the is happening? Just some dads with a couple of guns, keeping their communities safe and fun. Some are married, some are divorced, and some of these dads don't have kids at all because you don't need kids to be a dad. You don't have to have a penis or even be a man, you just need Levi jeans And to be a little drunk, yeah

It's the Dad Squad, it's the Dad Squad Vigilante justice in a pickup truck, yeah It's the Dad Squad, it's the Dad Squad The Dad Squad Sorry, just let me. What the hell was that? Just doing a little song, you know, upping the production value for the story, you know. Dad Squad, yeah! Yeah!

I didn't know we could do songs. It seems like you kind of purposely didn't tell me you were going to do a song because you knew that I wasn't and that my story would look like complete shit if I didn't do a song. You could have done a song. No, I would have, like, prepared something for the night had I known what was going to happen, obviously. All right, well, hold on one second.

Because I do have something on our soundboard. I've got a beat. You have a beat? Yeah. You make beats? It's 2023. Everyone makes beats. Yeah, all right.

I've got a beat on the soundboard. I'll play it. You just do a little freestyle rap about the thing. Yeah, I don't know if I could do that. You guys want Kit to do a rap? I don't we I'll play it you just do a little freestyle rap about the thing. Yeah, I don't know if I could do that I don't know if you guys want to do a rap. Oh I don't know That way it's fair. Like I did a song kit. We'll do a song. All right, play the beat Let me let me at least hear it. I'll decide. All right

No, no, no, it's a trash beat. Stop the beat. Stop the beat. What? I need a different beat. What are you talking about? That beat's fine. It's a trash beat. I can't work with that. We only have one beat. All right. All right. Just play it, and I'll try something. I can work with it. I'm a professional. I can work with it. All right. I just want to say before we get started, this is already taking way too long.

Let's just try and keep it light and let's keep it fun because I've heard you rap before and sometimes you get really dark with it really fast so let's just keep it light let's keep it fun and brief and just yeah yeah well sorry but some of the tropes of the genre

are kind of crime and misogyny so we're gonna have to take it to that place yeah I think if you want to freestyle I think we just keep it about the chicken we We'll keep it about your story, you know, so that, Oh, right. Yeah. The story. Okay. Uh, sure. All right. Fine. No, obviously I'll keep it light. Hey, I'm an entertainer. Let's go. All right. Everyone ready? Let's go. Hell yeah. Here we go. Take it away, Kit. Yeah, hell yeah.

Okay. Uh, uh, uh, uh. Uh, uh, uh, uh. Uh, uh, uh, uh. You have to say something. What? You have to say something. Bro, I was ad-libbing. It was a freestyle. I'm thinking of what to say something. You have to say something. Bro, I was ad-libbing.

It was a freestyle. I'm thinking of what to say, bro. That was 14 uninterrupted seconds. You have to... Do you know how this works? You don't have it in your head. You have to think of what to say. I don't know what to tell you.

That was half the beat. The beat's not that long. All right. It's fine. We can do it again. Let's try it again. Just as a little experiment. Right.

Let's just veto the word, uh. We're just going to take that out of here. We're just it again. Let's try it again. Just as a little experiment. Right. Let's just veto the word. Uh, we're just going to take that out of here. We're just going to find that one. Yeah, that's fine. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. We'll just try that one again. I got this. Okay. All right. Here we go. All right. Take two. Fire in the booth. Yeah. Here we go. Yeah You have to say something I'm thinking you have to say thinking of what to say it's a freestyle You don't have it in your head already. This is insane Do you think whenever Drake goes in the booth, Metro Boomin is like, stop saying 21 so much. Stop ad-libbing. No, he lets

him cook because he's a genius. He does say 21 a lot in that song. Yeah. And it works. Okay. Alright. I apologize. That's me interrupting. This is your thing. I have my song. This is your song. Let's try it again. Okay. Last time. Let's do it. Here we try it again. Okay last time. Let's do it

Let's go. Okay. Here we go. Let's go What that was me that time I apologize I Apologize this is insane. It's just it feels good. It feels of me really does. It's just an Oh, it's actually a fire beat. It really is. The beat is great Okay, I Freestyle you ad lib. The beat is great. Okay. I freestyle, you ad-lib. Okay. Let's do it.

All right, here we go. Yeah. Okay, okay, okay. Let's go. Yeah. It all happened one night. Terrence got a big, big fright. He was walking through the pond. That's when he heard the sound.

A ghost carriage. It was riding around. Going clip, clop. That's when he saw it. A ghost chicken. It was a see-through bird. Flying through the air. Terrence gets scared.

That his hair spiked up then. It was filled with ice it was looking nice I might eat it up with gravy in my cup yeah that's when Francis hit the ground he was so tired that he died this was the end this power no one life. I think it's time to shut up. Ah I don't know that it helped my case. I think the best thing to do is just pretend like that didn't happen. Okay. Sure.

We both technically had songs now, though, so it is even, I like to say. Why did you let me do that? This is besides the point We're getting very distracted And I'd like to bring ourselves back To the story that's still unraveling right here The destruction of one of the most cursed prisons in the world Okay? So if you're done rapping, Kit

For now Yeah Okay Let's get back to our story The squad of dads came in And destroyed the prison Knocking down over 700 years Of history

And while the public were hoping that destroying the building Would cease all paranormal activity This wasn't enough to erase The demonic history And sightings of the black dog In fact One sighting of the black dog. In fact, one sighting of the black dog came from only a few years ago.

One user posting anonymously on the internet said, when I was 23, I moved to London for work at a marketing company, and part of my daily commute was passing the Old Bailey, the courthouse that used to be the site of Newgate Prison. When I started work, it was towards the end of the winter break, meaning that by the time I left the office, it was already pitch black. It all started one evening when I was walking home, around 10 at night. I passed the Old Bailey, and there in the alleyway to my left was the dark silhouette of some kind of creature.

Now, if you've lived in London, you know it's not uncommon to see foxes on the street or hear them shagging nonstop at night. But this was different. This creature wasn't shagging anything. It stood there, motionless. I had this horrible feeling come over me as it watched me walk past.

Night after night, the dog would be there, watching me from the same road in the same position. It looked like every night it got one step closer. I thought, any day now, I was going to have to kick this thing. But instead I went for a more peaceful option. I prayed. I'm not even a religious guy but something about this dog freaked me out and the next day when I walked home it was gone. It was months later that I'd heard the story of the black dog of Newgate Prison.

And although I haven't seen him since, the memories of those nights still haunt me to this day. Is your story over? Shit. No, it is. It is. It is. That is really the duality. Thank you. We had a little applause No, it is. It is. It is. That is really the duality. Thank you.

We had a little applause here, actually, before you interrupt. Oh, shucks, you guys. You're so glad everyone joined in, right? Yeah. Those are the furries I brought from Comic-Con. Thank you, guys. Put your paws down, really.

That is the duality of man right there isn't it you know you see a thing first instinct kick it second instinct pray like i thought you were gonna say that's the duality of man first wizard then dog yeah he really had that dog in him, obviously. He really did. You know, it's not for me, the prime investigator, to judge this story, but there's a reason I picked it. I think this one is really interesting and kind of blends the world of history and folklore with contemporary sightings. It's quite unique in that sense.

It is unique in that sense. You know, having so many sightings, so much history, and yet no evidence. I knew that was coming. That's fair. It really boggles the mind that way. Sorry, let's just get one quick recap of Kit's evidence from his case.

That was about it. Pretty emotive stuff, though. No, I will give it to you. Although I kind of made fun earlier that there were parallels between our cases because they both involved animals. Really, they couldn't be more different. Granted, they both happened right here in London. But yeah, I mean, yours is arguably a lot more terrifying.

I think you said people were ripped to pieces. Ripped to pieces by a dog. I really liked that part of the story not for the grisly details but uh the concept i mean doesn't that feel straight out of a horror movie uh almost like final destination like you were part of a horrific act and now you're one by one the group being hunted down by a beast right yes because in a horror movie you know the dog would be a metaphor for like communism or something. I get it.

A hundred percent. In this case, it's a metaphor for wizard. Yeah, it's not really a metaphor at all. It's just, yeah, he just changed. He did just change. But that's why I like this story. It has a little bit of everything. Real life grisly details about an actual prison that existed for over 700 years, I think.

And then combining that with some of the kind of, I guess, English folklore legend, which involves wizards and sorcery and shapeshifters. A hundred percent. I mean, we've covered on the podcast before that England is the home of Merlin. Oh, yeah. There couldn't be a more famous wizard than that. I'm truly not even that aware of any other famous wizards it was really one and done gandalf uh who was the guy who taught people that uh the harry potter one right but dumbledore thank you but but at least merlin was semi-historical

right not like a children's book that's very true true, yeah. Although, if you went to Comic-Con today, you would have seen a couple Dumbledores, I'm sure, in the flesh. Not a lot of Merlins. But a fantastic story, I think. Let's get a little round of applause for Rory's story. All about Newgate Prison. Wow.

We knew London was fucked up, but mamma mia. Between the chicken and the prison, might as well just bulldoze this whole city. Wow. Well, I think we've reached quite an important part of the night, Kit. I think you're bloody right, Rory. I think it is part of the night where we figure out

what is happening next. We explained earlier the premise of tonight's show, that these stories were not just for fun. In fact, they weren't fun at all. They're going head to head in a war. And there could only be one Victor. I'm still freestyling. Let's get that beat back, bro.

I already got round two. All right. I played the wrong song. Bro, I can't work with that. It's been a long tour. All right. Let me explain how this bit is going to work. We've got a lot of people here with a lot

of things to say about what went on. We are going to get you guys to vote on who, which story really you thought was the best, who should win. And we're going to do that by making noise. Phil is in the back. He's got every type of fucking paranormal measuring device

known to science and God. He doesn't need any of them. He's just got a volume thingy he's waving about right now. I think it's an app. Okay, it's an app. Available on the app store. And what we're going to do is we're going to get you guys to cheer for one story, cheer for the other,

see which one's loudest. That's the victor. Does that make sense? Okay, lovely. I am worried. Sure. Because my story was first, I'm going to get the first cheer. I'm worried you're going to do that thing where you're not really warmed up

and it'll be shit. So let's do a test cheer on the count of three. One, two, three, make some noise. Agne! Agne! That is exactly what I was worried about. That was crap. Terrible.

Let's do it again. Let's make some noise for real. Three, two, one. Let's go! Oh! Oh, yeah! I think they're ready, Rory. I think they're ready, too.

Okay, members of the audience, this is the moment. Who thinks that the winner of tonight's show should be Kit? Okay. Who thinks the winner of tonight's show should be Rory? Oh! Oh! Oh! Why is this here?

I blacked out. What happened? All right, Phil, crunch those numbers. Ooh, ooh. As we stand here, as we thank you furry in the back, as we stand here, Phil is crunching the numbers,

figuring out once and for all who will be the winner of tonight's performance. There can only be one. He must be done judging by the tone of the music. Phil, let us know who the winner is. Kit. Don't mind if I do. I could get used to this. It looks frustratingly good on you. Wow. So late, Phil.

Phil's on edibles back there. Unbelievable. Wow. Hey, one more time. Congratulations to Kim. What a great story. Thanks for the votes. Appreciate it.

Absolutely appreciate it. I could get used to Kim. What a great story. Thanks for the votes. Appreciate it. I absolutely appreciate it. I could get used to this. I kind of color coordinated for the night. I thought I had a feeling, you know. Yeah, it's interesting to note, you know, as I said, we've been doing this show all across America. They weren't quite as receptive to the whole guy dressing up like a king thing.

Right. And telling them that we were better than them, really. Yeah, Boston, tough crowd. Yeah. Also Scotland. Didn't like it. And Belfast, weirdly. So this is really just for you guys.

And we're going to get beaten up at the meet and greet. Brilliant. In all honesty, you know, we want to take just a second here at the end of tonight's show to say thank you for coming here tonight. You know, Kit and I, we've been doing this show together for six years now, I believe. We've got some day ones out there.

And when we started it, you know, it was just a way for us to hang out, make each other laugh every week, and tell these funny, crazy, hilarious stories. And somehow in that journey, we stumbled into everyone here tonight. This amazing community of people who listen to the show, who come to the shows. So give yourselves a round of applause. Thank you for coming out. 1000%. shows so give yourselves a round of applause thank you for coming out a thousand percent and like we used to have like all our early it wasn't even until last year that we even

left london so so many people here have been a part of like our earliest meetups in the park you guys have been there for the earliest live shows vault festival oh my god everywhere else we've been in the past you guys have been so much a part of the journey. Stay around for the meet and greet. Come to the bar. As we said, we've got the whole team here. We've got editor Phil, managers Charlie and Tom. Our amazing researcher Amy is in the crowd.

She's going to be here tonight for any complaints, as we said. But it's truly amazing to have gone on this journey with my brother Kit. Come on over here, buddy. This is it. And we're here. We made it to the Hackney Empire! Hackney,

you have been f***ing amazing. We have been this part of our life. We are going to see you later. Remember to live fast, investigate, and die young, baby! My name's Captain John and I run a tight ship I like the ocean breeze, the taste of rum on my lips

I play the drums, Michael plays the flute They go ghost of coast just hunting for the booty Yeah, I'm searching for that booty just because they're trying to sue me Cause I'm stealing all their wrenches, got them acting like a floozy We go port to port, looking for some fun With my wooden peg leg and my flintlock gun Sailing on the seven seas will save you from a drive-by. If our cannon misses you, I'll take you in a knife fight.

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