This Paranormal Life - #397 Is This the Strangest Cryptid We've Ever Seen? - The Whintosser

Episode Date: December 17, 2024

Did you know that there's an entire book written about the strange and terrifying creatures seen by the early lumberjacks of North America? There are dozens of 'fearsome critters' that have terrorized locals over the years... but few are more bizarre than the Central American WHINTOSSER.Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and YouTubeJoin our Secret Society Facebook CommunitySupport us on Patreon.com/ThisParanormalLife to get access to weekly bonus episodes!Buy Official TPL Merch! - thisparanormallife.com/storeIntro music by www.purple-planet.comEdited by Philip Shacklady Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

If you die wearing sunglasses, does your ghost need glasses? Why do Santa's reindeer not appear on military radar? Are they extraterrestrial? All of these questions you can find the answer to on This Paranormal Life! Hello everyone and welcome back to This Paranormal Life, the comedy paranormal podcast where every week we investigate a new paranormal tale and come to a conclusion as to whether or not it truly is paranormal. Woooooo! Wow, it is a strange time to be investigating such spooky parts of the world because we are quickly descending into a holiday known as Christmas time.

Wow. Kit, are you feeling the Christmas spirit? It's the what? The 17th? descending into a holiday known as Christmas time. Wow. Kit, are you feeling the Christmas spirit? It's the, what, the 17th? I don't know what day it is today. It is, I think it is the 17th. We are knee deep in December, knee deep in the Christmas run-up.

I just want to quickly address one of the questions you added at the top. I know we're not supposed to, but you said, why do they not go on military radars? Why does Rudolph not show up? You moron, you absolute idiot. You think that if Santa has elves and they have a factory.

Don't be so mean to me at the start of the podcast. This is Christmas time. They can make anything. I don't think that's true. They can make any toy on earth. You think they can't make a cloaking device? Not a toy. You think for some reason that the kind of technology

that stealth jets have had for since the 80s, you think the elves haven't reverse engineered that? I don't think. They probably engineered it in the first place. I don't think any good little boy is asking for stealth tech that can ensure that he flies under the radar of military. I was asking for stealth tech as a little boy. I just wasn't getting it.

You think I wasn't asking for stealth tech after playing Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell on Xbox original? It is interesting to think about how far you can push a Christmas wish. Right. Right. Like, does it have to be a physical thing? Could it be the death of an enemy? No, it couldn't. That's really what I want this Christmas. Right. So you're saying if Santa is, hear me out here,

he's actually like a genie, a djinn or something. Yeah, yeah. And he's like, oh, you figured it out that the list is actually covering up for the fact that I'm just a genie. If you just ask me for things, I have to do it for you. He has to do it. You know, because I guess the problem is

you have to be a good little boy or girl to get a gift in the first place. So here's my plan. I'm gonna be a good boy all year, and then I'm gonna ask for a gun for Christmas. And when Santa comes down the chimney and gives it to me, guess what? I'll take all the toys.

Empty the sack, mother-f**ker. I want everything. Can you trick Santa too? Can you? You're a bad boy. You don't get a gift. If you ask that question, you're put on the bad list for life.

Can you trick Santa? Right, you're like, I'm just straight up, I'm just asking for the gun. Honest and straight. What I'm saying is, could you, cause he's not going to give you the gun, obviously. He might. So could you ask for... I'll ask for a piece every year.

That's what I'm saying. Could you ask for like the 3D printed individual pieces? You're like, I need Santa, my list is just this schematic of plastic materials. And then the last item is just the trigger to the gun. Right. And then over the years, by the time you reach like 50 years old, you've assembled a working rifle that you can use to get all the toys. And then ironically, the only wish you have at that point is to get your childhood back. Damn. Isn't that crazy? Isn't that poetic? You had the gift the whole time. It was the gift of the wonders of youth.

That's beautiful. It really is. Quick sidebar. What if we make children secret agents for the government and we get like little Timmy to ask for Russia's nuclear codes? Oh, I see. That's smart. And Santa's so busy, he's in a tizzy. He's like, oh, f***, it's Christmas Eve.

Oh, shit, we're behind on production. Elves, we're going to have to pull an all-nighter. All right. All right. What's next on the list? All right. Okay. We got a little Tommy PP doll, fine approved stamp.

We got one of the new creepy Furbies, check approved. I don't know why they're so popular. And then we've got nuclear codes for Russian military. It seems weird, but fine check. Like he's so in the flow, he just approves it all. I mean, we're quickly gonna descend to a point where the government has an underground lab where they raise the goodest little boys and girls

who never do a single thing wrong in their lives because they know their wishes are guaranteed. They're floating. It's like Eleven from Stranger Things, but it's a child that's only ever gone to bed on time and eaten their vegetables. And it's like anything they wish for comes true at Christmas because they're f***ing crazy good.

If you couldn't tell, Kit and I are on the naughty list. For sure. And I'm pretty sure if you're listening to this paranormal life in any capacity, you're on that list too. Or as the government like to call it, the no fly list. We're on a lot of lists, let me tell you. But hey, happy holidays.

We're so glad to have you with us here as we quickly approach the Christmas season. I believe we have one more episode of the podcast left being released on Christmas Eve. Yes. We don't stop. The time of the year where most podcasts would just say Christmas Eve,

arguably no one's gonna listen to it because it's Christmas. We should spend some time with our families. Right. We should just put that energy into releasing more podcasts next year when people are actually listening. No, no. No, you're gonna wake up on Tuesday on Christmas Eve and you're gonna have a fresh episode of this podcast in your inbox because hey yes Christmas is the time for love and sharing and family. Some people they either don't celebrate Christmas or they don't necessarily have a family to spend it with but that isn't the case because you always have the commune you always have your paranormal family we're not going to abandon you and go out for a pack of eggnog on Christmas day and don't come back for 25 years

We're gonna be there a thousand percent. We are gonna be with you all Christmas whether you like it or not And I will be looking at the analytics of that episode because if someone doesn't tune into that episode I am going to ban their IP address from downloading future episode That is that that is you have to show your commitment to the paranormal cause by listening to our Christmas Eve episode. That's right. So hey, I hope that you are excited for that Christmas Eve episode, but I also hope you're excited for today's episode because while not Christmas themed, we are going to the

snowy wintery forests of North America. So I hope you're ready to hear a chilling tale right after a quick word from today's sponsors and a reminder that you can get every episode of this podcast ad free over on patreon.com forward slash this paranormal life. Today's story takes us all the way back to 1906. It was a cold winter's night in the coastal forests of California, and a seasoned lumberjack

was out in the woods, marking trees for clearing. At the end of the day, he sat by a cozy fire, attempting to warm himself against the biting cold. Now, typically being this far into the woods by yourself would be a rookie mistake, especially at this time of year. But we're talking about a lumberjack in 1906. This motherf***er probably looked like Henry Cavill had sex with a chainsaw. Pure man. All man, rugged, tough, sharp, loud. You're like, this guy is so American. He looks like Henry Cavill, a British man. Sure. The most the most British man looks even more American somehow

than than an American. The lumberjack had spent a lot of time out in these woods. But today, something felt different. That's when he heard the sound of a branch snapping in the darkness. He spun around. Hello? Who's out there? There was no response.

He tried to let his eyes adjust to the darkness as the strange sounds continued from the nearby bushes. The lumberjack grabbed his ax, ready to defend himself. And that's when he heard it. A cry that he would remember for the rest of his life. Ugh! Ugh! Alright, stop. Stop.

Ugh! Whoa, calling time real quick. What was that? What was that? That is a very accurate representation of the cry he heard. Ugh! It's... I've worked really hard to nail it, so... Yeah, I think Henry Cavill had a bit too much eggnog in the cabin.

I think that's all eyes. The scream sounded like it was coming from every direction at once. The lumberjack leapt to his feet as this creature emerged from the woods. In the glow of the fire, he could now see it clearly, the most horrifying beast he'd ever laid eyes on. Get ready for this description, you are not prepared. Okay. It had a large triangular body shaped like a giant Toblerone, but covered in sharp, bristly hairs and protruding from the hair all over its body were extra legs.

Whoa, ah, hairy Toblerone with extra legs? It's a caterpillar made of chocolate. This creature had legs on its back and side poking out from all directions. Wow. Its head was attached with a swivel neck so it could rotate 360 degrees No

pretty horrifying description of Literally anything this sounds like a biblically accurate angel How's after all that just making the sound of just a Tottenham supporter getting kicked in the nuts It does sound like the cries of a guy who's had too much Guinness down at the local weather spoons. This is kind of terrifying, Kit, to come across a beast that looks like this for a lot of reasons.

Yeah, this guy stepped into a Junji Itto novel. Yeah, I mean, the most worrying thing is, usually a cryptid or a monster has a weak spot. I wouldn't know where to hit this thing. Usually if I come across a cryptid, the first thing I do is run up to it and kick it in the nuts. I don't know where the nuts are. You said there were legs, which may lead to nuts, but not always.

As I think we know from humans. Right. Is it kind of a lucky dip? You just got to kick them between every pair of legs till you hit the jackpot? Or does this creature possess several pairs of nuts? Um... Merry Christmas, by the way. We, uh...

Look, we've got for once in this part of our life history, normally we've got slack-jawed yokels who have absolutely no gumption, kind of having this first-time experience. We've got... you said it was like the rock crossed with a boulder. Yeah. With an axe, holding an axe. The rock the actor crossed with a boulder, not a rock crossed with a boulder. No, the rock crossed with a boulder. Yeah.

And he's got an axe. So this guy has the tools to take this thing down a couple pegs. He immediately took off running. Back to civilization. Fair enough. Did you not hear how many legs this thing has? I get it. And its head can swivel 360 degrees? Run. Run home. It is either a beast of legendary proportions or you ate some Tainted berries and you need to get back to civilization anyway, because you were about to die. And you need to get back to civilization anyway, because you were about to die. This lumberjack didn't know it at the time, but what he saw would soon be known by the locals as... The Wind Tosser!

The what? The Wind Tosser! Alright, does tosser mean the same thing in America that it means here? Uh, what does it mean in the UK? Wanker? Wanker. Okay. Well, I'm gonna say no then. A tosser. It's such a good British slag. British slag. Then you slag someone off you call them a f***ing tosser. It's pretty good. This is the wind tosser. Yes, the wind tosser. Okay. W-H-I-N tosser.

Yes, the Hwin Tosser. Okay, W-H-I-N Tosser. An ancient North American beast. Kit, what the f*** is going on here today? Have we ever heard of a creature in our paranormal history that's looked anything like this? Obviously not, no. I mean, the only thing that kind of comes to mind for me is possibly the Hodag. Mm-hmm. I believe a very similar North American cryptid, a spiky little ball that is equally intimidating,

but doesn't match the description of this thing. The legs, the swivel head. Very strange. I will say this thing sounds like it stepped right out of the video game Silent Hill, big triangle head on it. And I wonder, is it a cryptid we're dealing with or is it some kind of... Because cryptids tend to be like creatures forgotten by science and God or evolutionary spin-offs that have died, supposed to have died many millions of years ago but haven't. Is it

possible that this is actually some kind of mutated creature? It sounds kind of grotesque and ridiculous. Is it possible this is more like the X monkey, which I believe is kind of like a lab experiment gone wrong. Right, I think that would be a good hypothesis if we weren't in 1906, which I don't know how many experimental laboratories were set up in the North American wilderness. And we're slightly too early for the kind of American Manhattan project in nuclear age.

When did nuclear power start? I don't know. It was a little later than that, I think. Yeah, so I think today what we're looking with should be organic. Hmm. But hey, let's learn a little bit more about this creature. Well, it wasn't long before the Wind Tosser became common knowledge to the Lumberjacks of California.

In fact, in the 1910 edition of Fearsome Creatures of the Lumberwoods, the Wind Tosser is mentioned by name. I guess they thought that this was a real enough threat that Lumberjacks should be warned about the creature if they're going out into the woods. Is there that many dangerous creatures? I guess there is in California. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Mountain lions.

Yeah, we're going to get on to some of the other fearsome creatures mentioned in these books. But had Toblerone even been invented yet? I don't think so. He was like, imagine if you will, and I know this is f***ed up, a triangular chocolate. That's the starting point of my description. Let's start there and then I'll add limbs. If you pitched that idea in 1910, you would have been burnt at the stake for being a witch.

A triangle bar of chocolate? You're the devil. Absolutely. So yeah, that does seem quite a revolutionary idea. Well, back in 1910, this is what the book said about the wind tosser. They said, Understatement of the century understatement none of the lumberjacks who have met a wind tosser care to have the experience repeated the Central American wind tosser is always looking for trouble or making it which I kind of like that makes it sound like he's got a bit of an attitude. Yeah, he's the bad boy of the pack. Yeah

we obviously focused on the creature's body and Shape but there's so much more to its anatomy than just what it looks like for example Its head is fastened to its body by a swivel neck and so is its short tail Both gotta stop saying swivel neck. What does that mean a swivel? Well so is its short tail both got to stop saying swivel neck what does that mean a Swivel well here you go this explains it that means that both its head and its tail can be spun around at the rate of a hundred Rotations a minute he didn't get that good a look he didn't get that good a look Unless you shot this thing and studied it in the lab. We don't know

100 rotations a minute It's like a helicopter. On both sides. It means so like if I'm looking at you I could turn my head upside down. It's on a swivel. Don't say swivel neck. I can't. Cause that's not a thing. I get it. I get it.

So like in The Exorcist her head turns around except it's going... It's going like a Whirlitzer. It's a hairy Beyblade. This thing can spin around so quickly that it becomes a drill. Arguably so fast you're not even getting a good look at it. Yeah, which just seems unnecessary because you're already terrifying enough. You don't need to show up and also make your head spin

at a hundred miles an hour. Let's come back to the berries. You mentioned earlier he might've eaten some berries. I don't want to bury that lead. I don't want to move past that one because Occam's razor, and you know I don't like to bust out the O word, but Occam's razor says we always have to entertain the most likely or least complicated solution.

You think it's the berries? You're the one who brought them up. Just a chance. But I think we're going to find out, Kit, that so many people have seen this thing over the years and it's so well documented. It can't just be trippy berries. Right. The wind tosser showed up in force at Berryfest 1906. All right. Well, this description in the book might help explain why the monster has a swivel head, okay? It says, country since the animal is not disturbed by any convulsions of the earth if the floor becomes the ceiling it does not matter for the wind tosser

is always there with legs not how an earthquake works the floor doesn't become the ceiling absolutely never been in an earthquake nor have I but I've seen the videos and the ground goes wobbly I once left a pub at midnight and the floor became the ceiling. You fell over. You fell over is what happened. Yes, I believe what they're implying here is if the creature loses its balance and falls over it has another set of legs ready to go and the head swivels to reposition itself.

Yes. Yes. Which makes fine, makes sense. I remember when I was growing up, all right? And all I wanted for Christmas, here we go, so this is a relative story, all I wanted for Christmas was a remote control car that when you drove it into a wall at full speed. Which is what young boys do.

Which is what we all did, because we wanted to try and make our cars explode, it would hit the wall, flip the car and on the other side of the car was another car. Yeah, it was a purely, it was a completely symmetrical design. It could never flip. It would always be the right side up. That's the wind tosser. You could smash this thing into a wall at 90 miles per hour and it would just start walking the other way because you can't you can't flip it to a side it is unable to walk with. Do you know what was another great one? I don't know if the wind tosser has this, but just in terms of early 2000s remote controlled cars. Oh yeah. There was

one that had, does anyone remember robot wars. This is pure robot wars. Hell. Yeah it had a lever which was the jump button and it would cause a Lever to come down smash into the ground and your remote controlled car into the air really high Yeah, did you ever get one of those? I don't think so. No. No, I had a friend who had one I also wanted the remote control things We never got as kids. You could tell we were naughty boys because I didn't get a single toy I wanted for Christmas.

There was also a remote control car that was a hover car. Do you remember that one? No. And it was like, you could drive it on a lake. It was so cool. But then you could also just drive it onto the paths and it would still work. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's cool. And then the trailer, the trailer was like,

you know, get this cool remote control hover car on road, off road, no road. And they drive it onto the lake. It was, it was awesome. Why does it feel like we've gone backwards in toy technology? What do you mean? Toys are boring now? Like, I guess my toddler watches enough, like, CBBs and stuff to see ads for toys in the run up to Christmas time now. I don't see any off-road, on-road, no-road type ads. I think kids just have a drone now. Probably toys have gotten way cooler and more advanced. I did see recently one of the most depressing economic graphs I've ever seen was, it was showing how like, you know, with inflation and da da da da da,

the cost of so many things has gone up like exorbitantly over the years. Yes. Whether that's rent, energy, et cetera. Which begs the question, has anything gone down in price? And the one thing that has is toys. Toys today cost like a fraction of what they used to cost when we were kids. I guess that's a good thing. Not really. No one's buying toys. If anything, we should

be making plastic more. The planet is drowning in plastic. We have micro plastic in our blood. We should be making more plastic, making it cheaper. So there you go. So next time you can't afford your home heating bill, just remember that you might be able to afford that little hovercraft. There you go. And that'll make you happy. Look, I think at this point, Kit,

I'm just going to have to show you a picture of a wind tosser because this thing is very difficult to describe. You just need to see it. All right? Yes, finally. Let's go. So here is an artist's depiction of what a wind tosser looks like

This is the most mad thing This might be the maddest thing I've ever seen it might be in terms of cryptids. Yeah, it might be yeah Yeah, I genuinely think so. I mean it is what I said it is. Yeah kind of yeah I genuinely think so. I mean it is what I said it is. Yeah kind of yeah So I don't know what's going on that these guys are lumberjacks. This thing is a log of wood Yeah, like Toblerone is one way of putting it. It's like it is vaguely triangle triangle shaped, but it's essentially a big hairy log of wood there are some Illustrations of the creature where it's made of wood. Yeah, okay.

It's not even furry. I'm glad I said that, man. Because yeah, neither were talking about it. I don't know that that is fur. I think the legs are furry. The spine. It's got rings. It's got rings like a log.

It's just a wooden creature. That's how you know how old it is. Yeah, clearly. So big log of wood. That's just... No, no, no. That's just beat wooden creature. That's how you know how old it is. Yeah, clearly. So big log of wood. That's just... No, no, no. This is Beats of the Punch here. It's a furry beast. With legs.

Not branches. Covered in legs. What the f***? This looks like Sid from Toy Story would have made this. Yeah. But yeah. So it can't be real. No, we don't know.

It can't be. Definitely don't say that before the ad break, because we need to bring everyone back here. Right, but I'm just saying, I just want to bring it up because you've shown me an image in which the head is like bolted on. The head is bolted on like Lego. No, that's a neck fold. That's not bolted on. It's a swivel neck as you love to call it.

Well, it is a swivel neck. Which is not a thing. And it's in 1906. So it's kind of like a robot. Give me that back. That is the last sentence you want to hear in any cryptid cases, this can't be real. I'm just saying.

It's, at a certain point, you show me something so mad. It can't be real. You didn't talk about the face at all. It's actual head. I mean, it's kind of the most normal thing about it. It kind of just looks like a beast. Like a... I mean, horrifying. Yeah.

But yeah, like a kind of... I don't know, a big scary wolf head or something. Yeah, like a creature that has rabies or something. I would agree that anatomically, this isn't even a creature that should be able to survive, even if it was real. Yeah. This would have died out a million years ago. This is not a product of evolution. No, it's maybe a product of de-evolution.

Ha ha ha ha. I love this description of the creature, which says... It has been said that a cat's nine lives are nothing compared to the one possessed by the wind tosser. That means nothing. What does that mean? This animal may be shot, clubbed, or strung up on a pike pole without stopping its screams of rage.

Yeah, because it's a robot. Basically, this guy is a Furby in the wild. You can take his batteries out and it's still gonna keep screaming Yeah, as much as I hated it just for the sake of completion of the picture. Can you do this scream one more time? Yeah That's not what that thing sounds like there's no you don't know I don't know that You know that you know I might know and I might have it on good authority and you might find out 1906 wasn't exactly

iPhone voice memo was it in some stories the creature just hates humans Which does make sense because if you live in the forest you're probably not going to love the people that come in and start cutting Down the forest yeah, if you are a tree you're not gonna, you're not gonna like lumberjacks, that's for sure. If you're a f***ing log. Yes, is this a creature that's only appeared to the people who cut down trees? It's their subconscious, it's their guilty conscience. They're seeing the ghosts of the red California redwoods they cut down. According to other encounters though,

it doesn't just hate humans, it eats humans. That's its primary source of food. As I said, people at the time took these reported encounters very seriously and as they should, because the wind tosser isn't just a single beast, it's a species. It's a way of life. In fact, John Gray of Trinity County, California claimed to know where a pair of wind tossers

lived down by some place called Mad River. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Checking out so far. Does check out. We know the wind tosser is an angry guy, so he's going to hang out at Mad River. But tall tales from old lumberjacks aren't going to be enough today to convince us that this thing is real.

We need more concrete evidence of first-hand encounters. How big is it? The wind tosser? Because you didn't tell me, but then in the written description, they said, it's not big. And now I wanna know how not big it is. Well, you know, it varies.

As I said, this is- Stop being around the bush, tell me. This is a species of creature, so we don't know, it varies in As I said, this is- Stop being around the bush, tell me. This is a species of creature. So we don't know, it varies in size, I'm sure. No, that's not what a species even means. Species, fair enough, dogs do very massively. But most animals, the species means that there's one of them. How big is a log, brother? Some logs are huge, some logs are small.

So it is a log. I didn't say it was a log, I'm just using that as a reference point. Hey, how big is a Toblerone? Yeah, but one log... Some Toblerones are tiny, some of the novelty ones are f***ing huge. Let's go back to the logs actually, the logs suited me because one log could be big, one log could be small. And they're different species.

Not always. Yes, always. Sometimes you cut down a tree. Well one's a baby and one's a big one, that's the only difference. Look, it doesn't matter what size it is, alright? What matters is it's real and it's on a swivel neck. Stop saying that. Kit, back in 1920, an article appeared

in the Jersey Journal that claimed an individual named Sally Forth and her friends referred to only as the Kitchen Gang had an encounter with a wind tosser. Don't laugh, this is serious. This is the first time I had an encounter with a wind tosser. Why does this sound like an episode of Scooby-Doo? You're telling me the Jersey Journal said that

Sally Forth and the Kitchen Gang are done by Mad River? We gotta get down there. I don't know why they're referred to as the Kitchen Gang. Were they trying to eat this thing? I don't know. I don't know why they're referred to as the Kitchen Gang. Were they trying to eat this thing? I don't know. I don't know. Sally Forth? Sally Forth sounds like what an old British general

would say as they're going into battle. Sally Forth! Good man. Sally Forth, kitchen boys! Kitchen Gang? Sally and the group spotted the creature roaming about in the Moonachie Swamp, Hudson County, and immediately knew they had to do something.

But knowing just how indestructible this creature is, they knew any attack would be futile against its hard exterior and many, many feet. So instead, the gang tried to kill the beast by using a sponge soaked with moonshine. What? They were trying to knock it out like with chloroform? Yeah, I think they just, I don't know. You don't want to get that close. Shoved a moonshine soaked sponge in its face. Just kick it in the head at that point.

Kick it, it's swiveling around at 100 miles an hour. Oh yeah, you're going to do much better by Steve Irwin style mounting it from the back and putting the sponge in his mouth. As I said, this claim appeared in a newspaper. OK, I have the newspaper right here. The Jersey Journal. Yeah, I have the Jersey Journal.

Don't I know this is a silly case. Don't come at your boy Rory and say he's not bringing real evidence to the table. That is a copy of the newspaper that details this encounter and Sally and the Kitchen Gang. The headline reads, Sally Forth to slay deadly wind tosser. Hell yeah. Sponge soaked with quote, hooch is Kitchen Gang's method of attack. So they haven't done it yet.

They haven't done it yet. Maybe I don't know when this article was written. Why do they sound like a big band, Sally Forth and the Kitchen Gang? Why does Sally Forth get her own name? Is she in the gang? Right, yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome

Sally Forth and the Kitchen Gang! That's gonna be in Jules Holland's annual hootnanny. Right. Please welcome everyone to the stage. Absolutely brilliant, Sally Forth and the Kitchen Gang. And they all play kitchen utensils. The washboard. Like they're banging like, yeah, saucepans.

Ratatatata. The Kitchen Gang does sound like a great, like Swedish hip hop crew or something. Yeah. And they're kind of like- Kitchen Gang. They're kind of like Chappell Rhone, you know? Cause she sings like Hot to Go,

which is like a food reference. So all their songs are like, order up, order up. Okay, not the direction. From the Kinship Gang, you know? Or like, you know, dinner's served, but in like a, dinner is serving, you know? Like a cool, yeah. Dinner is serving.

It's giving lunch. That's what I say to my... that's what I say when I go to eat with my parents. That's what I say to my mom and dad. Mom and dad, dinner is honestly serving. I'm gonna eat and leave no crumbs. Dinner honestly ate. Dinner ate. Absolutely ate.

They're like what the f*** are you talking about? You ate. You ate dinner. Dinner honestly eight dinner eight You ate you ate dinner Not mother mothering Like what? Talking about oh my god not father mothering Who knows maybe by the end this will have to Write a song for this episode by Sally in the kitchen gang about the Wind Tosser. But until then we must push on. Unfortunately Sally and the Kitchen Gang were unsuccessful because according to the 1910

edition of Fearsome Creatures of the Lumberwoods, there is only one way to kill a Wind Tosser. And we're going to tell you exactly how. Right after a quick word from today's sponsors. This episode is brought to you by Google Pixel. I'm Jessi Krikchank. I host the number one comedy podcast called Phone a Friend. I also have three kids. I need help making every day easier.

So I switched to Google Pixel. It's a phone powered by Gemini, your personal AI assistant. Gemini can help you summarize your unread emails, suggest what to make with the food in your fridge, and it helped me achieve a family photo where everyone is smiling at the camera. I didn't think it was possible, but it is with Google Pixel 9. Learn more at store.google.com. It was the season of chaos and all through the house, not one person was stressing. Haul it differently this year with DoorDash. Alright welcome back everyone, if you're still listening, that means one possible thing. You are currently face to face with a wind tosser, and you need to know how to kill it.

The moonshine didn't work. Kicking it in the nuts didn't work. But you'll be happy to know there is a way to kill this cryptid, and it's a lot stranger than you think. Again, similar to the Hodag, this thing is seemingly indestructible. I think in the case of the Hodak, they had to blow it up with dynamite. Oh, that's right. Because it had such a hard shell, hard exterior. The Windtosser is similarly indestructible. There is a way to kill it. I don't know how they figured this out, but stick with me. Apparently, the only thing that can kill the Wind Tosser is itself. What you need to do is find a way to trap the creature inside of a large pipe of flue. When the beast is trapped in the pipe all of its multiple legs from every side will be

touching a surface and it won't know which way is up and it won't know which way to walk. The creature will start walking in three different directions at once and rip itself apart. Yeah, yeah. What do you think about that? I was hoping more than just one word. Keep going. It's interesting, right? The theories. It's great. Because yeah, I don't know how a creature in a pipe where there's only two directions to go can- Can we get lunch or something? I think we could.

This is important. This is important. Because as I said, a lot of people in North America, in the woods, might find themselves one day trapped with a wind tosser. I really love this cryptid kit because as we know, a lot of the cryptids and monsters that we hear about today are only around Because they've managed to survive in stories and tall tales over the years

You know kind of like Bigfoot that there was a time a hundred years ago where Bigfoot Sasquatch and the Windtosser would all have been talked about in the same stories Well, it's pretty astonishing that there is clearly a survival handbook specifically for lumberjacks in the Californian forest which would suggest that there's more than three pages. Yes! It's clearly full of details of several creatures. Yes Kit, I'm actually so glad you brought that up because you're right, the Windtosser is only one of many of these specific creatures mentioned in these old-timey lumberjack books. The exact classification of these cryptids are fearsome critters, which is a term used to describe any mythical or folkloric creature from early lumberjack tales that were said to inhabit the wilderness of North America. I love that.

Right? Great name. Way better than cryptids by the way. Fearsome critters? Fearsome critters? Uh, I went through a list. Please welcome Sally Ford to the Fearsome Critters! She fell out with the Kitchen Gang. She started a new band. I went through some of the listings of these creatures and I thought we could just rattle through a few of the other ones that you might come across. First off is...

First off is Irishmen. Look, it was a different time, they were kind of lumping just humans in there. It wasn't very politically correct. They said that Irishmen look like a big potato with legs. It's very offensive. We tried to knock them out with a moonshine soaked rag. It only made them stronger. You know what? Just because we've got this theme going,

I might as well continue the vibe of this being a late night talk show host. So, alright, yeah, play some music. Alright, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the show tonight. This Paranormal Life, it's our Christmas special. We're going to be introducing some of the Christmas critters that you might not have heard of, so please, first off, welcome to the show tonight, The Wunk! Whoa!

Da-da-da-da, some jazz, welcome in, some studio applause. You're trolling me at this point. So we've got the Wind Tosser and the Wunk. The Wunk. Straight Wunk in it. The wonk is an incredibly shy cryptid that never wants to be seen. In fact, sorry for bringing you onto the show then buddy, I do apologize. In fact, so much so that if the wonk ever comes across a human,

it quickly digs a hole, climbs in it, and then fills the hole behind itself in order to hide. Yeah, interesting. OK, yeah. Hard to get evidence on that creature then. While the wonk may seem similar, they are not to be confused with the squiddy cum squee. Yeah, I said about lunch. What do you what do you think?

I was thinking maybe Mexican. Kit, do you have any questions today for the wonk? We brought him into the studio, so. We must be at conclusions by now, right? Just... you know? Just checking the clock. Nope, we got more guests, actually. So, if you don't have any questions, I can make sure... Okay, well, bring in the next guest. Alright. It was a short stay, but the Wonk does not like humans, so thank you for joining us, Wonk. We do have more fearsome critters to welcome to the show.

Squidgy gon, Squidward? Squidgy come squee. And we're not welcoming them to the show today because of course, next please. Squidgy come squee. Next, welcome. Squee Davidson himself. Please welcome to the show. So you have the wok, you have the tosser,

and we have the Squidgy come squee. You're f***ing trolling me. Please welcome to the show our next guest, the duck-footed dum-dum The duck-footed dum-dum is a cryptid that comes around every spring This is one of the strangest Anatomic creatures that I have ever heard of my friend wouldn't this be a great game show if if it was like You know celebrity panels, like we've got Paul Mescal on the couch, then the wonk, the squid geek comes to the dump

for a dum dum. Yeah. Paul Mescal is like, yeah, it was, you know, it was really cool to be in a part of a gladiator too. And I got to go see all of these, these cool things. It's like, oh, it's really interesting. And Windtosser, I hear you've been mostly kind of exploring North America. Can you tell us a little bit about that? Oh! Interesting, interesting. Yeah, guys, applause from the crowd.

Truly brings a tear to your eye. The duck-footed dum-dum. It has two long tails like bass drum sticks. Okay. And it swings them forward to its back to hit the tight skin, creating a drumming sound. It's a drum? It has a drum on its back. So the wind tosser is a log and then the duck footed dum dum is a drum.

So it's not a dum dum, it's a drum drum. When fish hear the drumming, they flock to the shores to lay their eggs. The dum dum doesn't eat the eggs. Yeah. It doesn't have a mouth. Cause it's a drum. It just watches over them until the fish are born.

Thank you for joining us. On to the next creature, next guest you for joining us. On to the next creature, next guest, unless you have a question for the dum-dum. Starting to regret turning this into a game show. You don't seem interested in the concept. But we do have another guest. But I can't just now talk about the next one. I have to introduce him with all the fanfare and stuff Even though I think we can all agree this is going poorly Every guest has made this worst of an idea But we have Questlove in the band tonight

Shout out to Questlove So just alright well, we're just gonna push on this is our final guest of the fearsome critters Let's try and drum up a little energy in the room tonight. Please welcome to the stage the Snallygoster We've had this one before. No, we've done the Snallygoster. The Snallygoster is not to be confused with the Snallygaster No, it's not it's very different they even make a note of that in the book. Don't confuse them Don't confuse them. The snollygoster is not a creature that you want to meet So be careful everyone in the front row you are at risk

The snollygoster looks like an alligator with no arms I don't remember anything about the other one. I don't remember which is which. I don't remember which is which, but I don't remember that about it. Well, maybe this is what I'm saying. It's not to be confused because it's a completely different creature.

I feel like I'm having a bad trip. I feel like I took mushrooms at the start of this and the set and setting is all wrong. I'm not having a, and now I'm just a jester wearing a Santa hat Sitting in front of me just showing me just making up words and show it make saying insane things. We get security down here I'm gonna have to escort this gentleman from the front row Because he's actually distracting me from performing as the host of fearsome critters

The snobby goster looks like an alligator with no arms and a unicorn style horn on its back. It's said that the snollygoster will eat any meat, but it does prefer human flesh. When it catches an animal or a man, it will use its tail to flip the victim onto the spike on its back. Okay, how does it get off? It doesn't, I think it just kind of eats it,

rips it off like it's like a kebab on its own back at that point. Brilliant. Is that a common one in the Californian forest? Not as common as the Snallygaster for sure. Look, you brought it up. You said, oh, isn't it interesting that there's so many fearsome critters out there

that they had to write a book about it? And I was like, oh my god, he's gonna love this. I actually have a bunch of info on all those creatures and you hated every one of them. Yeah, I did. This is like me being at a dinner party and being like, can I get a glass of water? And then you waterboarding me in the kitchen

being like, you asked for it. I thought you wanted water. I thought you were thirsty! You brought it up! I thought you were thirsty! Uh, okay, um, wow. That bombed. As a concept. No, I'm sure everyone liked it.

And a podcast. I don't know. I just, I was, look, I think it's fair to say I was already having issues with the evidence portion of the, I don't even remember what we're talking about today. The wind tosser. The wind tosser, yeah. You do know. No, I didn't, I forgot. And, you know, I don't even remember what we're talking about today. The wind tosser. The wind tosser, yeah. You do know. No, I didn't.

I forgot. And I just think, it's cool. It's cool that there's many other cryptids allegedly in these woods. Didn't seem so cool when I was talking about them a couple minutes ago. I'm happy that they exist. Good for them. But maybe we should focus again on the wind tosser. Just really to focus this thing.

Right, I actually wasn't... I was going to save all that other stuff to the end, but you f***ing brought up the fearsome critters and the book, so I literally said, oh, let me reverse this, and you made a dump truck sound effect. It's all in the podcast. So that's why I had to do this shit on the fly. I'm now having to go back to the wind tosser because I tried to improvise and it all went badly I think I just said I think you just said like yeah, that's crazy. They had a little book and you were like chapter one the wonk All right, let's let's go back to the wood tosser then please because I feel like I still believe the wind tosser feels like

Reading the dictionary compared to what you just did Yeah, this could work out in my favor because now the wind tosser doesn't sound so crazy Yeah anymore pretty crazy at least he was in newspapers and there are a lot of reported sightings So yes, let's go back to the wind tosser the subject of today's investigation I believe the wind Tosser's last appearance in written form was as recently as 1984. In a book that described the Wind Tosser's abilities, it said, The Wind Tosser's head and tail are fastened to its body by almost frictionless swivels,

that when angry are whirled at unbelievable speeds and create such turbulence that nothing is safe. That's not a creature, that's a machine. Some folks caught by the whirling winds of the wind tosser say the power of the air is of extreme hurricane force taking everything not nailed or tied down before it. Like a tornado? Like a tornado.

This thing can spin so fast, it can actually generate gale force winds. We're being trolled. We're being trolled. Unfortunately, the book that said this was called Grandpa's Rib Ticklers and Knee Slappers. Why am I being tormented? Why am I being tormented this close to Christmas?

I just thought you'd want to hear a little Christmas tale about a little guy! Why is this appropriate for Christmas? Cause it's cold? He's in the woods! He's in the f***ing snow! I think he made up the fact that we- He looks like a chocolate bar! I think he made up that it was just cold at the beginning of the story and you're saying this is a Christmas tale. We're done, man. Grandpa's ripped.

You know what the worst part is? We weren't even supposed to be done at this point. I was at now supposed to go on to talk about the fearsome critters, which I already did in the form of a game show that bombed. So now I've got nothing. I've lost it. I've lost it. My brain is scrambled and cooked. Toh saltade and flambéed. Reorganizing that script was done so poorly that the last words I said were, Grandpa's rib ticklers and knee slappers. And then I said, conclusions? This sucks. This really sucks to hear and feel. This evidence was worse than no evidence.

You would have been way better off not bringing up any book, any newspaper clipping. Oh. So that last bit of information does take us to the conclusions. This is dumber than Willy Wonka's creations. This is dumber than Willy Wonka's creations. This is dumber than fiction. You couldn't if you tried to. That's always the most believable thing about this story,

if you tried to make this stuff up, you couldn't. Right. Yeah. Because I think, you know, Willy Wonka creates, like, snozberries and shit. Snozberries sounds like something that could be a fearsome critter. The scally hog. The snoodle long. the wonk. Yeah. Do you think it's real?

Irrelevant. No, not irrelevant. At the end of every episode, we go on a conclusion. And there's so many amazing creatures to think about in today's case. You can conclude on any of them if you want. I actually think the book of fearsome critters is so extensive and detailed,

that might have to be a bonus episode of the podcast where we go into, I only mentioned three of them. There's more, there's more backstage right now. You can host that one yourself I think. Um, excuse me. You're going Paul Maskell. Today we are here to decide definitively whether or not we believe the wind tosser is real.

I'm going to throw it to Kit first, because I think it's important that we discuss this. This was a real threat to lumberjacks at the time. So much so it had to be detailed in numerous books, both joke books and guides of the wilderness. We even have a copy of a newspaper report from the time where allegedly Sally and the Kitchen Gang tried to kill one of these creatures with moonshine. So we have, I'm not going to say good evidence today, but some evidence.

Actually, you know what, before I forget, before we go to conclusions, I know we're just about to decide Yeah, I almost forgot I do have One let me just stop you there can't be that important because it's not in the script Roy through his script away Because this finished because the episodes over and they pull and then right before I was about to say my conclusion He pulls out his phone. It's actually Crucial but because of the restructuring I did on the fly, it got lost in the commotion between the creation of an improv game show

and revealing grandpa's knee f*** slappers. Which, by the way, the last time we did an improvised game show on the podcast, it was for World's Shittiest Cryptids, a two-part series on the world's worst cryptids. So you know, you must subconsciously know that these are some of the worst cryptids you've ever talked about No, I just like the format of a game show I think it's fun at the start of this entire episode when we had our story of the lumberjack who first had the encounter with the wind tosser I Did an incredibly accurate?

recreation of the beast's cry. And you were saying how would you possibly know that Rory if it was so long ago and no one has a recording of this? Well YouTube account Lumber Woods actually has a YouTube video that reportedly recreates the cry of the windtosser. So if you want one more piece of evidence that could tip you over the edge, how about this. Windtosser says... So do you think Mexican or Japanese? Um, because I could call ahead. His origin is North American.

I don't know if there is a Mexican windtosser or a Japanese windtosser. Right. Sorry. I was talking about lunch. Um, I think if we, I think if we went nine, we could probably beat the rush as well. So yeah, thoughts? On the wind tosser? No, on lunch.

Lunch? Whatever the kitchen gang is cooking up, I figure. What was that? Just say what you wanna say, man. Wind tosser says, ooh! So violently disgusting. Does he say that? I don't know.

That is the only recording I could find of a replication of a wind tosser screen. Just say it and no. Just say it. Well, it's time for conclusions. Look, a very cool time in history. The type of witnesses we like to see in the wind tosser screen

are the ones that we like to see in the wind tosser screen. Just say it. I don't know. Just say it. Well, it's time for conclusions. Look, a very cool time in history. The type of witnesses we like to see on the podcast. Sure. Which is just to say men who live alone in the woods and whose minds have rotted. And, you know, multiple witnesses, allegedly, and one piece of a newspaper clipping. Sally Forth and the Kitchen Gang, not real. You know, that's not a real witness. The Kitchen Gang, we can't say, you know, in previous episodes, we'll be like, Lieutenant

Sally Forth, you know, who has 12 years in the Secret Service, 15 years of departmental research into da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da as colonels. I don't think they work in the kitchen. I respect hospitality workers too. I don't think they've seen a kitchen before in their lives. I think they might have knives. That might be why they're called the kitchen gang. They're like, we're actually banned from many kitchens because of our clothes and odor. I think for me, I'll just come out and say, I think the hardest thing for me to look past when it comes to a cryptid,

I'm open to crazy, crazy ideas of cryptids, but this is so kind of Lego like and as I say, Sid from Toy Story style of a toy mashup. Yeah. That I find it hard to believe this was created by nature. Yeah, I think that's very safe to assume. We've seen creatures that have many, many legs. Anatomically, it usually makes sense. Yeah. The way the legs are attached to the body.

Look at a spider or an octopus. It's all functional. The wind tosser, it just has like limp legs poking out of its back and side. Um, I really do love this era of cryptids. We don't talk about it enough. This North American lumberjack catalog. I would agree.

Of strange creatures who, as I said, maybe at one time were right up there as A-list stars with Bigfoot and Sasquatch, but just over the years, they've become less and less popular while some cryptids still are very mainstream. These are like the silent movie era stars of Hollywood. They're like back in the day, would have been on all the posters and billboards, the wind tosser. But now, they didn't make the transition into the talkies or the color movies. So they just died out in these old legends and stories. You can still appreciate them and they do have a fun novelty to them. But, do we think they are real? I'll say it first. It's a no this week from me.

It is a no. Damn it. I'm going to give it a no and I'm going to not think too hard about how this era of cryptids reflects on the modern era of cryptids because I'm starting to worry that our shit today will sound as stupid to people in 50 years as this does to me now. Right. The skunk ape and some of the in 50 years as this does to me now. Right, the skunk ape and some of the cryptids we've said yes to. Yep.

Maybe in 100 years they're going to be like, there'll be someone else doing a show. And they'll be like, well, podcaster Kit Greer Mulvenna said it was real on a podcast. And they'll be like, we need, we need to hear a testimony from a Colonel. We can't trust the reports of a podcaster. Yes, 100%. You shouldn't trust what I say. We don't know. But let us know what you think. Do you believe that there is any truth to the existence of the Wind Tosser? As I said, not necessarily a Christmas story.

Ho, ho, ho! But Christmas adjacent, he looks like a giant chocolate bar. Ho ho ho dag. He lives in the snowy woods. He looks like the ho ho ho dag. I'm claiming it as a slightly Christmas themed episode. The wind tosser, the winter tosser? Winter tosser.

The winter-osser. I like this a lot. But of course, I didn't want to blow our load on the Christmas episode. Don't say that. Because, as Kit said said we are going to be back next Tuesday on Christmas Eve and I don't know if you want to tell the people what you've got planned right now Kit but I assume it's a little more jingly jangly and Christmas themed than the wind tosser. It is and I've got it

planned and it's all up here it's all up here. It's all up here. Fort Knox. I could give you a teaser if I wanted to, but I just don't. Right, so don't even think about what it's gonna be. Just make sure on Christmas Eve, you've got your hot cocoa ready, you're in a cozy jumper, fire lit,

Christmas tree behind you, you know, and you'll be able to just put those ear pods in your ear to drown out the racist rants of your uncle Mark. Yep. And then just hit play and enjoy some some Christmas festivities. They're gonna recreate that for you now. So the thing is they don't want to talk about the border, but the thing about the border Isn't that relaxing? Wasn't that relaxing to just that fade out? Yeah, that sounds really nice. So thank you for listening to this week's episode of this paranormal life Hopefully we will see many of you back next week on Christmas Eve ish and of course

We can't end the podcast without saying thank you to everyone who listens to this show Thank you to everyone who supports this show saying thank you to everyone who listens to this show, thank you to everyone who supports this show, and thank you especially to everyone who supports this show on Patreon. As you know this show is community funded meaning the audience supports us on Patreon and through that they get a bunch of extra cool rewards like bonus content, merchandise, shout outs at the end of the podcast, and one real cool thing that we should mention if you're a little strapped for time I know sometimes it gets close to Christmas and you're like, I forgot to get so-and-so a gift I need something last-minute

You don't want to rush out to the shops and deal with the craziness of all the last-minute panic buying We've got a great suggestion for you over on patreon.com panic buying, we've got a great suggestion for you. Over on patreon.com forward slash this paranormal life, you can actually gift someone a Patreon subscription. A hundred percent. So this is perfect for if you've got that person in your life, maybe your bestie also listens to this paranormal life.

They haven't taken the plunge, maybe they just don't use Patreon or haven't done it themselves. You could pick them up a membership. Give them the gift of hundreds and hundreds of hours of TPL this Christmas. Alternatively, they don't even have to listen to TPL. It could be someone who, you know that one person who you're just like, it's hard to recommend things to people, isn't it?

So we've all got that one friend who you're like, I know you're going to like this, but you just won't take me up on the suggestion. So I'm gonna force you to, I'm gonna get you the membership, here you go, whether you like it or not, it's all there. I want people to take that approach and buy a subscription for their like

hyper conservative parents. That's right. But they're like, look, I bought you it, it's a gift. You have to listen to it. And it's just listening to hours of us talking about monsters and aliens. And they're like, look, I bought you it, it's a gift. You have to listen to it. And it's just listening to hours of us talking about monsters and aliens. And they're like, yeah, thank you. Thank you for the present, I appreciate it, wow.

So check it out, head on over to patreon.com forward slash this paranormal life. I hope you enjoyed our investigation into the wind tosser. You know, did things go poorly today? Yeah, yeah, they did. Not really. Should I have changed the structure of the script and just decided impulsively to turn the second half into a game show where I introduce scripted? Absolutely I shouldn't have done that. I think it massively derailed the story and our conclusions.

But I think a year from now, we'll look back on this episode fondly and we'll be like, remember the wind tosser? Sure. He was a weird little guy the wind tosser? Sure. He was a weird little guy, wasn't he? Just a screaming ball of pine and wood. Yeah, I think it's gonna be great. Either that or whenever we look back and think of this episode,

we will just involuntarily make the sound of the wind tosser. Ugh! Thank you for listening, guys. I hope you're having a great holiday season. We will see you back here again on Christmas Eve. Bye bye. Hey, it's Mitch from Side Note Podcast and I'm here to tell you about the new Google Pixel 9 powered by Gemini.

Anyone who knows me knows the Pixel has always been my favorite out of all the phones I've ever had. Now with Gemini built in, it's basically my personal AI assistant. Since I am truly terrible at keeping up with emails, I use Gemini to give me summaries of my inbox, which is a lifesaver. And if I'm feeling stuck creatively,

I just ask Gemini for help and bam, instant inspiration. You can learn more about Google Pixel 9 at store.google.com.