This Paranormal Life - The Merman Imprisoned in an English Castle

Episode Date: September 15, 2026

Thank you to our sponsor, Shopify! There’s nothing spooky about starting a business, grab a free trial at SHOPIFY.CO.UK In the 12th century, a gang of local fishermen off the coast of Suffolk caught something strange in their nets… a humanoid creature that looked like it had been living in the ocean for years. The fishermen had no idea what they had captured, but they knew there was only one way to find out - they had to take it to the dungeons and torture it. Get your tickets to our London Live Show! Become a commune member to get access to bonus episodes: ⁠https://thisparanormallife.com⁠ Follow us on ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Twitter⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠, ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠, and ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠YouTube⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Join our Secret Society Facebook Community⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Buy Official TPL Merch!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Edited by Philip Shacklady Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

In the 12th century, a gang of local fishermen off the coast of Suffolk made a strange discovery that would change our understanding of the ocean forever. During a fishing expedition, they caught something in their nets, something that shouldn't exist. Was it a creature lost at sea, or a demon sent as a warning? There was only one way to find out, to take it inland and torture it. But would the fishermen get any answers? Was this creature alone in the ocean? Or were there more out there? Are shrimp the bugs of the sea? Or are bugs the shrimp of the land?

All of these questions you can find the answer to on This Paranormal Life! Hello everybody and welcome back to This Paranormal Life, the comedy paranormal podcast for every week. We investigate a brand new paranormal tale and decide once and for all whether or not it is paranormal. My name is Rory. The man across from me is Kit Greer Mulvena,

and today we've got a mystery on our hands. Jesus, this sounds like a potentially dark one. It's going to be intense, but it's an interesting story that really did happen, potentially, in 12th century right here in England. Well, I can't say that it definitely did happen, otherwise there'd be nothing to debate. Would there, buddy? Can you imagine England in the 12th century? No Greggs. Oh my God.

No crisps. What is there to live? I would fall on my own sword immediately. not as a metaphor. I would lift Excalibur the legendary blade out of King Arthur's

stone and kill myself with it. My wife would come home from the harvest and I would have a crossbow in my mouth. There's nothing for me on these planes.

Let's for dinner. Wheat! Again! Can I even trigger the crossbow? It's so long. Right, you had to go Kirk Cobain mode trigger with your toe.

Sorry, it's dark. Don't worry, guys. We're going to get a full understanding of life in England in the 12th century. As we investigate today's case, we just got to dive right in. But before we do, a reminder, I won't ask again. Head on over to this paranormal life.com to support this podcast. Do you want? How many times do we have to say to support this podcast? We were just talking about imagined life in 12th century Britain. I'm going to invite you to imagine a world where you don't support us at this paranormal life.com.

Are you ready? Watch this. Watch this. Oh, oh, the lights go. Yeah, for the audio listeners, I understand you're actually not noticing a difference at all. Very little is changing. But the lights went out in this studio. Need I go on? I could turn off more lights. I could unplug the cameras and the microphones. I'll shoot Phil in the head right now. Because he would be executed for some reason. Gone.

Why? Wouldn't we just go on with our lives? Anyway, yes. This paranormal life.com. Supporters over there have been keeping this show going for over nine years. That's insane. Thank you. Sorry. Yeah, we've got to turn the lights back on. Okay, hold on. Because it just looks sad now. The link's in the description. Yes. For as little as five bucks a month, you can get access to hundreds and hundreds of bonus episodes and extra pieces of content exclusive for our commune members over at this paranormal life.com. Wink. And if you don't want to support us on the internet, that's fine. It's okay. The least you can do is come see us live at the clap of grand. What's the date, Kit? Sunday 11th of October, I haven't. Why don't I know it by now, Kit? What if I've been saying the wrong date?

I'm pretty sure that's right. Sunday 11th of October, the Clapham Grand in London. It's our only live show this year. Yes. And it's a brand new show as well. And there's an official after party. I don't know how it could get better than that. I know.

I think the venue sells popcorn. Hello. So, let's do it. It's going to be a great time. Get some tickets to the show. Head on over to check us out on Patreon on our website and all that stuff. But first, let's dive into a paranormal case. Our story today kicks off sometime in the late 12th century, off the coast of Suffolk.

A small group of medieval fishermen were out on the gray waters near Oxford, casting their nets into the water in the hope of snagging something worth their while. Steady the boat, Arthur! We're going to pull in the nets! The gang of buffed seamen pulled their ropes. But the net didn't move. Well, either the net is snagged or we've hit the mother load. Come on men, pull! The crew pulled as hard as they could.

And to their surprise, the net began to move, dragging something to the surface. When the net was dropped onto the deck of the ship, the crew gathered round to see what they had caught. It was alive, but it wasn't a fish. Tangled in a ball of hair was a man. according to Ralph of Coggshall. We're going to be hearing a lot from Ralph today.

Ralph is the chronicler who later wrote this story down. He said the creature was naked and shaped like a man in all of its parts. That means they definitely saw his dick. He was covered in hair with a long shaggy beard and he seemed completely disorientated. After the initial shock had died down, the fisherman tried to talk to the strange fish. My name is Captain Arthur. What is yours, stranger? The figure didn't respond. I say, where did you come from, water man? Still no response. Now, at this point in time, you couldn't really call the cops or check for a missing persons report. There's no amber

alert telling you that an old man is lost at sea. So, they did the only thing they could think of. The men docked and took the stranger to a nearby settlement called Oriard. Werford Castle. Makes sense, I guess. Back then, there's not really... I guess maybe like the police station, the town hall, the local village, is all in one area. You know, you go to the mega complex, which is the castle. Yeah, I guess so.

One thing I always blows my mind about this period of time is I don't know how many people were in Britain, but it was about 33. I think it's a bit more than that. Maybe slightly, but there was... I think the puddle of semen was a little larger. It was, yeah. I was really trying to keep it on the rails when you wouldn't stop talking about all these seamen pulling the ropes harder on the boat. It's weird.

All right. But yeah, there wasn't very many people. I don't like what you're insinuating today because this is a serious paranormal story. Yeah. And just because there's a couple guys yanking it on a ship together, that doesn't mean what's happening isn't important. This is a family show. Always has. has been always will be.

So I just need you to keep it on the rails. That's why we beep the f***. And I have so much faith in the f*** being beeped that I'm just openly swearing. Knowing that it'll never reach the ears of a child. It'll never reach the air. I could say, Titty-fiddle, Jizz-Gobbler,

knowing full well that that entire sentence will never make it to the general public. Phil, for the love of God. Those words. Yes. Because I don't want that on a plaque somewhere with my photo doing a thumbs up. So as I said, after fishing this

humanoid creature out of the ocean, they brought him to Orford Castle. Now, Orford Castle was built by Henry II, and at the time, it was probably the closest that you could get to the heart of nearby civilization. It has a pretty huge keep, and the place still exists to this day, which is really cool. You can go and visit it. Big keep energy. The wild man was brought in from the the castles. And as the fishermen walked him through the grounds, a crowd began together, following them inside the castle walls where the men met with the Castilian, which from what I understand is a fancy name for man in charge of the big castle. My lord, we captured this strange man off the shore while fishing. He seems unusual. Does he speak? He does not.

Tell me, Waterman, what are you? Once again, the figure stood blankly. The men couldn't tell if he was refusing to answer, or if he genuinely didn't understand what was going on. The Castilian didn't really know what to do with the strange man. Theories began to swirl around the castle. Maybe this figure was an angel. Maybe it was a demon.

Was he a spy? Or was it a message from God? Whatever the answer was, it was? The answer was, it seemed that the man who documented this story had a theory. That man, Ralph of Cogshall, wrote, In the time of King Henry II, it happened that some fishermen, fishing in the sea there, caught in their nets a merman.

So everyone in the castle decided it was best to keep the merman inside until they understood more about him. Now, that little sentence keeping him inside is a nicer way of saying that they absolutely threw him in the dungeon. Which at the time was probably the solution to any problem that the Castilian didn't want to have to deal with. Yeah. Well, you know, if you've got a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

If you've got massive dungeons, everything looks like a prisoner. Yeah. Everything looks dungeon worthy. Yeah. It's probably one of those things that during home renovation, people warned him. They were like, dude, you do not need a dungeon this big. Yeah.

Like, you could have a tiny one, like one cell, it would be fine. And he insisted on the jumbo dungeon. Right. And now he's just having to, like, hit quotas every month. Yeah, every, back then, having a dungeon was like having a swimming pool in America today. You know, it's just like, look, buddy, I know, you see your neighbor's got the big dungeon, you know, and you feel like you need it to. But honestly, you know, and then suddenly, you know, you know, what's a better idea is using, you know, trying to use it. your friends and families at dungeon, you know, and you don't have to pay for the upkeep then.

That's what they say. What you really want is a friend with a dungeon. Exactly. And then you can just bring all your perverts to him and be like, do you mind? You've got tons of space in your dungeon. I don't want these guys run around my castle. Yeah, don't put the perverts together in the dungeon, though. Yeah, don't do that. Because that's the problem they make at Arkham Asylum every time they bring one of the Batman villains there. It's like, you'll never heard anyone again, Joker. you're done with your scheming days. Let's put you in this cell here between the riddler and Two-Face.

Yeah. With just enough of a gap in the walls that you can fully communicate future plans. That'll teach you little f***es. It's like, okay, and it's like, oh, and don't even think of, turns around, every door's open. Ah, shit.

Shit! Now, unfortunately, keeping the Murman in the dungeon only added to the mystery. Because the merman, yes, that's what we are going to be calling him now, moving forward. Oh, good. The merman's diet consisted of raw fish. When they gave it to him, he would squeeze it tightly between his hands until the moisture ran out

and then ripped into it with his teeth like a shark. Can we just pump the brakes just for a split second that I just want to, I'm not even trying to cause issues right now, I'm not trying to hold up the story for too long. I just want it to be clear that I have said that we're calling this thing a merman. I remember that this thing was described as a guy covered in lots and lots of hair that they found just in the ocean. Yeah. With a long beard. Kit, we're going to get on to this later, but you're thinking of your little pop culture,

21st century depiction of a merman with a little fishy tail and a little man's body. And rock hard abs, yeah. Sure, yeah. When I think you'll find, early depictions of a creature like this are very different. A lot hairier for a start. Okay. Does he have a tail or gills or anything? Human legs.

Okay. Human legs, human body, human face. He's wearing Levi's. He's wearing Levi's red tab jeans. His body was engraved with a strange message, rip curl. Whatever that meant. His driver's license was in a specific. In the pocket, Aaron Johnston, Aaron Johnson, from Suffolk. He's literally from up the roof.

So apparently that was his diet consisted essentially of just raw fish that he would squeeze the moisture out of and then eat like jerky. And was that because they thought he was a Murroman? I do have questions because why was he being given raw fish to eat? I did see one version of the story where apparently if he was given regular food, he would hide it in. his beard and then eat it later when no one was looking. So he eats everything. He eats absolutely anything giving to him. So he would like momentarily pretend not to eat it.

And they would definitely eat it. And then when everyone's gone to sleep, he eats the muffin. He does, yeah. His diet consisted of whatever the fuck we gave him. Well, at a certain point, yeah. He's probably like, listen, I'm a merman. I eat raw fish. That's what I do.

But I'm not going to be getting raw fish. fish for every meal. Sometimes they're serving me quarter pounders. Yeah. Do I want to eat it? No. So I'm going to put it in my beard for now. And then if I get really hungry, yeah, maybe I'll be forced to eat some of this human food.

Yeah, look, you know. You ever heard of a cheap meal? You know, I could eat Lyndon McCartney vegetarian sausages all day long. Eat until blue in the face, you know, delicious, filled with protein. Was I put on God's earth to eat, though? No. We can eat stuff that's not good for us.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. If you see all those videos of people giving Gatorade to monkeys? No. Oh. What happens? They go bananas. Nice, dude. The monkey died. The monkey is hard exploded. RIP, Coco. No, just like, you know, or like videos of like monkeys on on all the days smoking cigarettes and shit. Yeah. Great example. You know? It's just like, look. Listen, that doesn't mean that he's human just because that monkey was smoking a cigarette. Sometimes animals and other creatures ingest things that is not their preference in the natural world. Don't give monkeys cigarettes.

I know it's cute. I know it's funny. It's hilarious. But don't do it. It's not good for them. Give them a lost merry vape instead. They need to get on to the less addictive stuff. Because some of that shit can be banana flavored too.

So they're probably going to love it. After a long period of trying to get the merman to say anything, the castle basically, basically gave up trying to talk to him altogether and realized there was only one other way they knew how to get people to talk. Please don't say torture. Please don't say torture. Some good old-fashioned medieval torture. According to Ralph of Cogs Hall, the castle soldiers hung the merman upside down by his feet while they interrogated him. After days of this, the strange man still did not speak. I will say, not that I want to pick any of them, but if I had to choose hanging from the feet, that's probably my first choice. Right.

If I could choose from all the old-timey medieval torture devices, or maybe that one that stretches you, see if I could hit six foot four, you know? Yeah. As they say, it must feel really good for a split second before it feels really bad. Before it feels really, really bad. Yeah. Yeah, I love how anytime you do research on the medieval torture devices, you can tell when they started getting just really bored and having to come up with insane new ideas

I remember there was one that was just I think it was it's just called rat helmet yeah well come on there and they would just put essentially somebody's head in a barrel and then just dump in like 20 rats and the rats would eat your head

this episode is brought to you by Squarespace you know you could start a business resell rat helmets maybe like vintage ones or something good band name rat helmet After some unsuccessful torture, they realized the Murman wasn't going to speak. So they thought, okay, what else can we do to try and figure out who or what this dude is? Well, there was one easy way to tell if he was a demon or an evil spirit.

They decided to take the Murman to church. Oh, nice idea. Put him in some Sunday best. Yeah, I would have maybe taken him to church before the rat helmet. Before hanging him up in the dungeon. And, like, start with the nice stuff. Because now if he turns out to be an angel, he's not going to be happy. For sure.

Side note, take the merman to church. Sounds like a cool saying. Yeah. You know, like, I got to go visit the local watering hole if you're going to go out to the pub. It's like, oh, I'm just taking the merman to church, you know, going out with the boys. Yeah, I see what you're saying. My mind was stuck with like, hosier, you know. Merman to church.

So they dragged the merman up from the dungeons and over to Orpher Church, a church that still exists to this day. The service began, the priest read from the Bible, hymns were sung, and the merman stood blankly, absolutely unmoved. Unsurprised at this. Wow, he wasn't so moved by Paul's letter to the Corinthians. He's not a Corinthian. He doesn't care what they think. He's sitting in the pews eating pieces of waffle from his beard.

All right. He's not moved by relation. He's taking that opportunity to carb load. He went up to receive communion and just squished the priest's head and then ate it like jerky. It was as if the scripture meant nothing to him.

Yeah. Which we laugh about Kit. But remember, the 12th century was an incredibly religious time. The scripture meant sultan to everyone. Am I supposed to be like, yeah, this is crazy. Yeah, you're right. It's crazy that the merman didn't get in his hands and knees and start saying the Lord's prayer. Why? Why would he do that?

Well, you know, because he didn't do it, I think we're... Like, what are we expecting to happen? video game cut scene. It's like, oh, yeah, you unlocked it. We hear the little legend of Zelda like, do-da-da-da-da-d-d-d-d-d- like you did it. You figured it out. He's not a f***. All right.

Hey, we're on the same page here, man. We're agreeing with each other. He was unmoved by the scripture, which could mean only one thing. He's not human at all. He's from the sea. He's just going kicked in the head by a donkey. And his brain don't work so good no more. One of the boat ores just conked him over the head on the way to the ship.

Now he's done. So what did the locals learn from this little experiment? Well, kind of nothing. I guess they learned from it that he wasn't some kind of profit. And... That's cool. Are you quite... You know what?

I'm starting to think you're not taking the Murmans seriously. Oh, yeah. I really am. I'm still here, aren't done? We also learned the Murmere. learned the Murnman was not some kind of demon. Otherwise, he would not have been capable of stepping foot in the church. Yes.

But the residents were still confused, and they did not get any answers. Eventually, they realized the only thing they knew about this strange wild man was that he came from the sea. So, in an attempt to find answers, they brought him back to the water. Now, I want to be clear, this isn't them being nice, because I think all in all, he spent several months being held captive in the castle. It wasn't just a long weekend. And the entire time, months and months, he never said a single word. So they brought him down to the water, and they let him swim once again in the sea. But to ensure he did not escape, they built huge nets around the bay. I'm just imagining them plopping him in the water and he just sinks like a stone.

He is as agile as he is quiet. He just flops. They think it's going to be like free willy. They're like, get out of here! They throw him into the water and he drowns like a stone. They're like, oh God, maybe he wasn't a merman after all. On the contrary, Kit, according to some versions of the story, this is where they discovered that the strange man could breathe underwater.

Oh. Yeah. That version of the story is slightly less. documented, I would say, but it does exist and it is out there. So you're saying not even everyone who was there on the day of Greece, really, because some people wrote down a different version of what happened. All I'm saying is if you ask Ralph, who's our main source today. Ralph's got a lot to say, yeah.

He did not include the underwater breathing as part of his story. So the one person who we've relied on in its entirety up to this point. Yes. Now we're saying, well, we don't quite like what he has to say. You didn't like him from the start, so don't pretend like you did. They let the Murman out in improvised sea world to swim around and but still remain under the control of the castle. However, the guards underestimated the Murman. One day, while swimming in the bay, he hit the nets with such force that even the fishermen couldn't hold him back.

He burst through the ropes and disappeared into the ocean, never to be seen again. Good. Good. Finally. So he almost like pool sharked them. He hustled them. He was like, I'm so weak. I'm so, oh, I'm basically about to die. Maybe let me gaze upon the sea one more time.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. He's like, oh, he's doing the breaststroke and the shallow part. He's like, I don't know if I can still. And he becomes almost like a motorboat. Watch this, pussies. Yeah. That's the first words he says.

After seven months You guys can s' my c' from the back. Befall that. Remember, we said that this is a family podcast. Swivel on those.

He dipped one toe in the ocean said, I eat semen like you for breakfast. And that was the end of the wild man of Orford. He disappeared that day and he was never seen again. Before we go further into today's case though, a quick break to talk about this week's sponsor, Shopify.

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It has an online storefront creator, inventory management, and so much more, all bundled into one easy-to-use platform. We're going to help you out here at TPL by giving you two ideas of businesses that you could start today. First, how about a business where you capture an alien and then sell photos of it on Shopify? Kind of like Peter Parker does with Spider-Man. Or, how about a store where you sell little jails? jackets for mice. Sort of like a Stuart Little situation. Because Shopify handles the setup and checkout, you have more time to focus on growing your business. All of these tools are located

conveniently in one easy-to-use platform. So if you're ready to hear that of your first sale, head on over to Shopify.co.uk to start your free trial today. That's right. Start your free trial at Shopify.co.uk. That's Shopify.co.uk. Thanks, Shopify. Back to the episode. So what on earth happened over these six months? Who or what was this thing? And where did he go? Where did he come from? Well, as I said, our best guesses of what the hell happened today

come from the one man who documented this whole thing are a good buddy who Kit loves. Ralph of Cogall. Yes, Cogs Hall. Cogs Hall. Now, Ralph had a few theories. And I can already tell Kit's not going to. I'm gonna like them. Let's talk about the first one, and it's the one that we have been running with this entire time, that the wild man of Orford was a Murman. If it wasn't obvious already to our listeners, a Murman is the male version of a mermaid.

Hilariously, I discovered while researching this podcast that while they're young, they're also referred to as Mur Boys or Mur Lads. That's amazing. It's pretty awesome, isn't it? Yeah. Imagine telling someone that you were out on the weekend with the Murrads. You know? Went down on how I had a couple of pines with the murlads. It's worth noting that older European and Norse legends describe mermen as sea dwellers, sometimes portraying them as wild, bearded humans who are much less attractive than their mermaid counterparts. Well, you know, the fairer sex and all that.

This is the distinction that probably would have been valuable for me to make earlier in this story, but if you couldn't tell, throughout history, mermaids haven't always been depicted as shell bra fish bottom. It's, you know, mermen and mermaids. And the mermen, they oftentimes do not even have fish tails. They have essentially human bodies, but their legends involve the sea quite heavily. In Swedish culture, there's even superstitions around the mermen

saying that merman will abduct human girls to become their sea wives. Oh-oh. Not good. Yeah. That one's kind of interesting because it almost follows in the footsteps of like the sirens, a creature and entity from the sea luring the opposite sex into the ocean, or presumably they're drowned. I don't know what becoming a sea wife entails, but I would not recommend it. Yeah.

Okay. But don't worry, Kit, if you didn't enjoy that. Luckily, our old buddy Ralph. Sorry, so you wrote, don't worry, Kit, if you didn't enjoy that. I literally wrote that in the script. So you kind of, days in advance of recording this, you were like, Kit is going to be fucking hated this. He's not going to enjoy any of this. Honestly?

True. Yeah. I wrote you were going to say that. This whole thing's scripted. Yeah. But I knew you were going to love Ralph, which is why I included so much of his work in today's episode. Ralph of Cogs Hall had some other theories. Don't worry.

Let me see if you like any of these. He theorized that this could have been some kind of fish pretending to have human form or some kind of evil spirit hiding in the body of a drowned man. Oh, well, I mean, the first one, okay, we'll get through them. But the second one, now that's quite cool. That's kind of like a horror movie vibe. Yeah. You know, classic kind of zombie archetype storyline in which, you know, someone dies.

And it's like, please, please, gods, please bring my lovely, um, partner back and then they do come back. But they're a little bit different. Little weird. A little bit different. Why are their eyes black? Something's not quite right. Were they always black?

It's kind of cool idea. Why is my wife eating fish like that? She never used to squeeze fish until they were dry and then rip their heads off with her teeth. Yeah. What was the other one again? The other idea. Oh, the other idea is fish pretending to have a human form. Yeah, less.

Hey, you know, pretty interesting. I mean, I think that's maybe roughly the human form. the vibe of Ponyo. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Studio Ghibli movie Ponyo. There's a kind of thing there. It's like, you know, Liam, the character voice by Liam Neeson, who's a kind of magician man, David Bowie-esque character.

It's like he's almost like a merman. He lives underneath the ocean. Yeah. He has kind of water powers, but he's very much a guy. Yeah. And then his daughter, who is a fish, turns into a human. Yeah. And walks a, walks, she's, it's a mermaid.

Yeah. But it could have been a merman. I like that you're into the idea of an evil spirit hiding in the body of a drowned man because that also takes us completely outside of the world of merman, which I think is only going to help my case today. Yeah, a very cool idea indeed. I actually ended up doing a little bit of a deep dive, if you'll pardon the pun, on this type of lore, these other options.

And you'd be surprised at how many different times something like this comes up. There's legends and folklore from all over the world. In China and Japan, there are various accounts of creatures known as fish human or human fish. And this is one of my all-time favorites. In Italian folk tales, there's the story of a young merman named Kola Pesh, which translates to Nicholas Fish. Hmm. This human boy was cursed by his mother, and as a result, he became part fish. Wow.

This is a popular thing throughout a lot of different cultures is these human fish hybrids. Nicholas Fish is just a great alias that I really enjoy. We're kind of pushed for time, but if you want, we could talk about sensible explanations. I don't know, because otherwise we could go straight to conclusions, because I think we obviously pretty much know what's going on. Merman. But if you want, we could, I could like rattle off some of these really quick. Yeah, please.

I think we have time. I think we've just not time. Did the fishermen catch a shipwrecked man who was traumatized, injured or unable to speak their language? So I'm worried that there was an obvious shipwreck nearby. There was like,

and maybe even more than one man washed up. And maybe it was like painfully obvious where it came from. And that is, you've kind of kept that from us in so many words. Dude, how does your ship get that wrecked? that you forget how to speak the Queen's English.

If you never knew the Queen's English to begin, and you're scared. Well, then you'd speak the fucking French. I don't know. You'd speak whatever you came, whatever language you came from. How do you hit a rock so hard your clothes come off you? Well. And your beard grows down to your f***ing kneecaps. Well, my dad told me the story once, that he was skiing once, years ago,

with his brother, my uncle, and that he went really, really fast and maybe didn't know quite how to stop and he skied Looney Tune style straight into a tree star pose at like 60 miles an hour and he was in hospital for like three days and he couldn't speak for a week.

So, you know, I do, there are, and he was fine, that's fine. It's funny story, kind of. And when he was, sorry, when he was skiing, how did he clip his tail into the skis? What? The merman.

How did he? Well, see, what I'm suggesting is maybe he wasn't a merman. Maybe he's just my uncle who is human. And that it's an example of how someone can be, I probably have such a bad concussion or injury that they just are rendered incapable of talking. I'm just wondering how a merman would even get up the mountain in the first place. You know, there's just so many questions to think.

think about. Any other logical explanations? That's it. That's it. That's the only logic. Well, I threw in a bunch of them there in just one big string on sentence. Was it a shipwrecked man who was traumatized, injured, or unable to speak their language? It is viable. I think, I think, look, was it just a shipwrecked man? Maybe. Maybe. I'm sorry, Phil is just pissed himself laughing off screen. I'll turn you into a fish Mother f*** I'll

Yeah I hope you like semen Because you're about to be a fish Alright Please don't ask our employee If they like semen That is absolutely not acceptable Yeah He's a bearded man in here

Yeah He looks like a motherfucker off the deadliest catch It's just I think where this becomes strange Is the fact that When they brought him down the ocean, all he wanted to do was swim back out into the sea, presumably disappearing into the horizon.

Yeah, a little bit. They also took him to church and gave him some sushi, okay? He probably, they actually treated him pretty good sometimes. They gave him sashimi, just raw British fish, raw cod. He swam away because they tortured him. They physically and psychologically abused him for months. Six months in a dungeon. And he said, I'd rather to.

take my chances in the cold Atlantic Ocean. Yeah. In the English channel. They really thought they were like, they had like rehabilitated a sea turtle and they were like finally letting him go into the ocean. It's like, fare thee well, merman. And the merman like pops his head out. And he was just like, by the way, I fucking hate you guys.

Yeah. You're treating me like, crap. They're like, you can talk. Yeah. It's like, yeah, I could talk the whole time. And you guys are so boring. All you wanted to do was go to church. it sucked in there.

Yeah, where would he have to have been from that it made sense to stay quiet? Like maybe he was like Irish or something. He's like, it's not going to end well. It's not going to end well for Al-Paddy here. If I open me mouth. They open me mouth and the coast of Suffolk. Oh, geez.

Yeah. Yeah. Or maybe like, maybe he was a Canadian fisherman and he was just too polite to correct them. Yeah. So he's like, well, it's like, why don't you say anything? It's like, well, you thought I was a Murman, and you know, I didn't want to... Maybe I am.

Yeah, you guys seems really invested in me being a Murman, so I thought I didn't want to disappoint you. Yeah, it's fine. I could be a Murman. Listen, Kit, I know you're skeptical today. I can tell that I haven't won you over in today's investigation into the wild man of Orford. But... I'm just laughing because I can see this is like the final sentence of the script. There's something so funny about... He has one B...

Because Rory always throws his pieces of paper away as he reads. He has one piece of paper left, one sentence left. I'm like, what the fuck can he be about to say next? He's going to tie this whole thing together. There is one second left on the clock. I'm at our side of the court, jumping, throwing the basketball towards the enemy's shaking. The coolest part of this story is that I might not be able to be able to.

to prove to you that the guy was a merman, but I can prove to you that the wild man of Orford was more than a tall tale. He did really exist. I hope did the bare minimum he exists. In fact, well, first off, I forgot that I have a picture to show you of the Wild Man of Orford. Maybe a blessing in disguise that I left it this late. But Phil, um, Oh, man. Sorry, Phil, can you show me that first picture, please. No. There's it.

No. No. Oh. So, do anyone do just as much as much people? Which is most people. I think, I think the best thing we can do is let the audience's imagination paint a picture of what this wild. It's Dr. Seuss's Thing One or Thing Two, either or. That's not fair.

What are we looking at? Do you want to describe it? Do you want to describe it? It's the saddest man I've ever seen. It's a sad little man tortured and alone. This is a drawing of... In the corner of a dungeon. Shackle to the wall.

Yeah. It's a man squatting in the shadows of a dungeon. He is chained by his wrists to the wall. and he's eating a raw fish. Do you know what this is? This is the paranormal, like, historical evidence version of Am I the Asshole? You know when people go on Reddit? And they tell, they're like, look, I've had this argument with my girlfriend.

How am I going to convince her that, like, I'm right? And then everyone in the comments is like, you're a monster. It's like, this is where the people of this castle, they show this to a bunch of experts. And they're like, what is this guy? They're like, Jesus Christ, what's his name? How long has he been in there? He's like, what? No, he's a merman.

He's like, that's a guy. That's a guy. I can see the sadness in his eyes. Yeah, they posted a scroll that said, Am I the asshole for locking up my merman? They're like, what are you talking about? Let him go. Where's the murbitt?

It's just a man. I'm really starting to worry. Where's the murbit? I'm really starting to worry. I've just locked up a guy. I'm really starting to worry. or oh-oh, doesn't feel great.

Realizing, I might have just locked up a guy for the last six months. I'm just so angry because he won't admit he's a merman. Just really, this whole thing

would just could be blown over if he just admitted he was part fish. Yeah, listen, it cannot be stressed. Don't show him that. It cannot be, you're going to see that in a second. Sorry, you just screamed at Phil.

Phil just made an executive decision to just Phil has such little faith in his evidence. He's just breezing through the rest of the evidence too. The drawing I just showed Kit It also Don't get a plastered Okay, so flustered And silence both of you

Silence, I wish you were merman I wish you didn't say a word Throughout this whole episode I'm gonna I wish I could swim into the ocean And never come back I just showed you Maybe I walk into the ocean

With rocks in my pockets After this one All right Because I have hit rock bottom No one made you do this story, bro. I don't. Bro doesn't have one merman where he needs a dungeon like that.

The photo that I just showed, Kit, it is worth noting that the physical appearance of the creature was that also of an entire man. Yes. There were, there were, I cannot stress how few aquatic features this being possessed. Yes. We're not even talking scales, gills, fins. Very woolly and hairy like a mammal. Yeah, exactly.

Like an ape. Some fish are mammals? Keep going. That's not true, by the way. Whales? They're not fish. They're in the ocean, aren't they? And they're big.

Just keep going. There's one last photo that I do want to show you today to prove to you, whales, to prove to you that this motherfucker was real. All right? The wild man, whether a kid wants to admit it or not, ladies and gentlemen, the wild man of Orford did exist. He was a real guy. We don't know if he was a fish or not, but he did exist.

Shut out! And to prove it, Kit, if you visit Orfer Church to this day, you can see tributes to the wild man carved into the stone of the very church. I think that was one of the things Moses said, don't do. Please don't carve merman into the church. Phil? Show us the picture. Don't worship the merman.

There he is. I rest my case. Do we know that's him for sure? Yeah. I mean... That's the Merman. This is Orford Church, the church where they brought the merman. It's a weird thing to carve into a church, that's for sure.

It's kind of the proportions of a little bubble head figurine. He's an absolutely giant head carved into stone, tiny body. And he kind of just looks like, if you didn't know what you were looking at, you'd be like, yes, like a caveman. Well, this is the weirdest part about it is if they really did think that he was a merman and part fish, it was weird to give him a wooden club. Yeah. The weapon. Yeah. Really, unless that's supposed to be an oar or something, I don't know why on earth they would give this guy a wooden club like an old time he gave man.

The church is the, was Orford? What is it? Orford. Orford. Who knows? Yeah, he's got a little Flintstone's Bam Bam Club.

Really the only indication this is anything to do with what you're talking about is that he is maybe covered in hair. Well, yeah, I mean, I'm not just making this up. People literally believe

that this depiction was done after the wild man was in the village. The legends had been told. And that is why part of it is carved into the stone in this church, which as I said is real

and you can go see it. Love it. I think it is time to conclude today's investigation into the Wild Man of Orford, also known as the time a Murman was locked in an English prison. It's a no from me this week. No explanation not needed. I don't think we need to debate this any further. I think this story is cool because I think there is a good chance some version of it did

happen. Right. Did take place. I think they did catch a man in the case. the ocean who refused to speak or was shaken up in some form. Maybe that dude had been a drift in the sea for a ridiculous amount of time. I'm not sure of the backstory. But I am relatively positive that these events did take place and it was a mystery and the people at the time tried to understand it in the only ways that they could, which was looking at it through

their view, their window frame into the known universe, which is legends like murder. MER men, mur people, sea gods, or religious deities or demons, which you can't blame them for that. They didn't really, you know, it was simpler times. So probably shouldn't have put him in the dungeon and tortured him, but they wanted answers. I get it. And in that way, it's exactly the same as the episode about the Sky People. which I think actually you were pretty against at the time but when you look at it on the face of it

it's identical really sky people swam down from the clouds to a monastery in Clon McNish in Ireland and no one knows why it's a no though it's a double no there we go I hope you enjoy this investigation into the wild man of Orford

if you are close or nearby any of these locations, go check it out. You can go visit the church and see the carving of the wild man for yourself. The little man. That's kind of cool. Like, rarely do we ever cover a creature that is famous enough that you can go to the location where it happened and see a bit of history carved in stone from the time that it took place, which is really cool. Unfortunately, it is a double no. And I would love for you guys, Kit and Phil, to tell me, because it's a small team, I don't know how this works. Where to file workplace complaints.

Because I have been trying to do my job for the last hour. I've been trying my damnedest. But I have, usually you have a shoulder devil and a shoulder angel. What if you have two devils and they're up your ass nonstop? They're not even on your shoulder, all right? And it's just non-stop. And we don't have HR. I don't have a boss to complain to.

my friends laugh at me just because I tried to say that an old hairy man was from the ocean and was actually a magical fish. You should be able to say that in today's world and not be judged by your peers. You can't say anything anymore. You can't say anything. As kids' wife would say, you can't say anything anymore. I want some love in the chat for the Murman. Drop a heart in the comments, Roy. Drop a heart. I hope you enjoyed this investigation into the Murman. I think this is my last day at TPL. I'm done. I think you just need a break. We've had a lot on recently.

We've been to do a lot of recording sessions back to back to back. Yeah, this is it. I don't want to say that that's been reflected in the cases. I wouldn't say that. No one would say that, you know. Do you think there's something wrong with the Codex Gigas? Nothing, written by one man and one night? No.

Hopefully you guys enjoyed this investigation into the Murman. I'm sure there's some people. out there that are saying yes in the comments. I want to see hashtag team fish turning up and representing. Thank you so much, everyone, for listening to this week's episode of This Paranormal Life. If you haven't already, check us out over on Patreon. Go to www.

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Let's get a clean one of that. Head on over to www. This paranormal cult. Dot. Dot. Sorry. This paranormal life. This paranormal life.com.

Yeah. Forward slash. Dot com. Dot. Dot. com. That's not even a ISP recognized format. All right.

So, wwwcult. Hold on. No, WWWCult. I'm sorry. www. Fuck me.

This paranormal life. Dot cult. This paranormal life. com. That's just the website. The link's in the description. Links in the description. And hopefully it's spelled right.

And for the low cult of $5 a month, you can get at, what? So, low cost. Yeah, cost. For the low cost of five cults. I was so sorry.

It's been a long episode It's been a long episode And the mask is slipping slightly When a man is When a man presents a story And is torn down so fantastically All right, come on He has nothing left to lose

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There's also a free tier. So feel free to try it out. Check out all the bonus episodes. You can then stick around or go to the free tier. Yeah. It's all gravy, baby. Check it out. If you like this podcast, maybe you've caught up.

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And we'll see you next week. Bye, bye, folks.