This Paranormal Life - We Bought a Spell from a Real Witch - Investigating Etsy Witches

Episode Date: January 27, 2026

This week Kit and Rory investigate the huge and hidden world of online witches selling spells on platforms such as Etsy, Craigslist, and eBay. We discover why the law has been trying to ban them, whether the spells really work, and some huge high profile cases! Not only that we answer the question - why DID baby witches hex the moon in 2020? Follow us on ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Twitter⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠, ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠, and ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠YouTube⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Join our Secret Society Facebook Community⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Support us on ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Patreon.com/ThisParanormalLife⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ to get access to weekly bonus episodes! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Buy Official TPL Merch!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ - ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠thisparanormallife.com/store⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Edited by Philip Shacklady Research by Ewen Friers Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

The year 2020 was memorable for a lot of really bad reasons. McDonald's removed several key menu items globally, including the chicken legend sandwich, chicken tenders and yogurt parfait because of supply chain issues caused by something called COVID-19. And maybe worst of all, Prince Harry left the royal family. But while total disaster struck the Normie world, something maybe even crazier than COVID-19 was going down in the paranormal world, something incredibly few people even know about.

As all our lives moved online because of the Pando, so too did supernatural and paranormal communities, and because the internet leaves a record of posts and comments, we can trace exactly what happened and what drama unfolded. July 2020, one TikTok comment reads, If you had nothing to do with this, you have nothing to worry about. But if you did, you're f***. The legions are restless and they want to do something about it.

What were they talking about? Who was this online community? Does hell as depicted in the Bible have seasons? Answers to these questions and more on this episode of This Paranormal Life! Welcome back to This Paranormal Life, Rory. Woo! Let's not f*** about.

What do you know about witch talk? Witch talk Or Etsy witches Okay, that's very different Which talk I assume was just kind of When witches get together and chit chat Hang out, share stories Which?

All right, unc obviously talk Spell T-O-K Right, yeah, well I don't know that it's not written down That's what is for me Very little Very little about this side of the world Despite I assume being the victim of many Etsy witches

Based on how my life has turned out I feel like you were so toxic, you probably turned a lot of your exes into Etsy witches. Like, after the fact, they were like, I need something. I need a safety net of a community. I need to learn magic to curse this bastard. I feel like a lot of people probably went on Etsy, tried to hire a witch. And they were like, all right, just show me a picture of the guy that you want to curse. And they were like, here he is.

And they were like, we've done him. I've done him three times this week. You've got to pick someone else. I can see him now in the crystal ball. He's having a bad time. If anything, I actually think we should cut him a break. Can I do one of the good spells on him for once? He's already dead.

He's a dead man walking. Yeah, it's almost the three stooges syndrome from the Simpsons. You have so many curses. They kind of can't get through the door to your soul. And it's just a ticking time bomb. They're like, I want you to place a curse on him that halves his penis length. She's like, at this point, we're going from two to one. Do you really want to spend your money on that?

He's been hit so many times. There's nothing left. It's a damn candle, basically. So, yeah, you have probably some, I guess what you're saying is some kind of inadvertent experience. An experience you might not even know about, but you don't kind of consciously know a lot about the community itself. Does a deer in the woods have experience with a Ford truck? Kind of, because they get hit by them all the time. Yeah, it's like, it's like not a lot until.

it's too much. Yeah. And that's my experience with Etsy Witches. I've never hired one, but I've been hit by one many times. Yeah. It does. I mean, we're going to get into all of it. We're going to start deconstructing this whole world,

explaining it to the good people at home. We probably know as little as we do at the time of recording. Yeah. But it does seem remarkable that we've got this far into doing this paranormal life without kind of employing their services. Yeah, we should say for anyone who's a little more offline, an Etsy witch is a practitioner of witchcraft that you can hire on the internet to do a job for you.

Yeah, referencing the popular online marketplace, Etsy. They don't have to be on Etsy, but that is just a good shorthand for it. Yeah, look, let's get into it. Today's episode concerns witchcraft, something we've talked a lot about in the past, but today we're covering specifically how it manifests online. So the author of these threatening comments went by the username at that one blunt witch. I assume she's talking about backwards. This self-described elder witch who claimed to, quote, work with demons.

Shit, dude. A.K. Rory. Form part of the witch-talk subculture. Again, talk, if that wasn't obvious, referring to TikTok. This is the Gen Z, Gen Alpha parlance, right? If you talk about books on TikTok, it's book talk. If you talk about witchcraft, it's witch talk on TikTok. Witch talk, book talk, sea monkey talk.

It's all the same. Roy's an elder in the sea monkey talk world as it happens. He's their Neo. The great leader, I hope we'll once return. And this person's threats we mentioned earlier related to a major schism that had formed in this community. Because shortly before these comments were made, there's no easy way to say this. Four baby witches had allegedly gone rogue and created. a disturbing curse.

Don't laugh. None of this is funny. And they decided to put a hex on the moon. I repeat, baby witches hexed the moon. Right, got to elaborate here, some of this terminology.

A baby witch is... Brother, it's plain and simple English. This is, all these words are in the Bible. All right, because we have an elder witch is a baby witch new to the game? Goo Gaga, I'm on the f***. Okay, right. Yeah.

No, you are right. Baby Witch, yeah, it's not Googu Gaga. It's not a newborn. It is a, I suppose, just a newcomer to the witch community, someone who is early in their training, a Padawan. Okay. To put it in Jedi terms, basically. Nice. That's kind of a cruel word to use for someone who's beginning. You know, when you start karate lessons, you're not baby belt. Yeah, that's true. You at least get a white belt. An early witch should be like, what do you call it? a paddy one or something cool like that a paddawan did you it's a good idea so good I just thought of it yeah

a padda one I've got it wrong that's an Irish Jedi is what you came up with a paddy one a paddy one a party one an Irish Jedi damn that is obscure

Rocking the green lightsaber I love it yes there are it is funny isn't it the karate I think you did a lot more martial arts than me

but the karate system is funny that they like color quote code it. And it's like, it's almost like a really like polite idea. But it's like the cat's out of the bag pretty soon. They're like, here's your, here's your first belt. Well done, champ. You passed your first grades. And it's like, oh shit.

A white belt is that good? No. No. We call that the bitch belt actually within the community. Right. Yeah. All right. Just call it what it is.

Yeah, yeah. Let me just give me the belt and figure out. Let me figure out how long it is until I get to black. Look, as I said, to repeat four. For the third time, baby witches hex the moon. If you have to ask, is that bad? I don't know. Is shooting grandma in the back of the head with a shotgun bad?

It's a choice for sure. It's an interesting use of free will. Depends on her beliefs, I guess. And if it's not illegal, it really should be. Because in a culture known for its respect for nature and celestial objects, that it's more likely to worship the moon than curse it, these baby witches sent shockwaves through the community. Our elder witch, that one blunt witch, had more to say. The audacity, quote, of these idiots that would want to hex the moon or anything related to nature,

it's a sacred thing in witchcraft. But before we find out more about the moon hex specifically and the fallout that ensued, spoiler alert, if you look up in the night sky, the moon is still there. The moon, I shouldn't have used the word fallout. The moon is still in the sky. Yeah. Let's take a look at the online witching world more generally. Who are the Etsy witches?

Where has this culture come from? And what exactly do they do? From the earliest iterations of the internet, witchcraft groups had popped up, like many subcultures and businesses. Witches knew that the internet was a powerful tool and here to stay. And just as witches had offered services in the real world, so too did they begin to offer metaphysical products,

healings, readings, blessings, romance spells, hexes, curses, and merchandise. And as earlier domains and blogs gradually died away, the online witch community utilized newer platforms like eBay, Craigslist, and increasingly Etsy. Yeah, I think as soon as we stopped building taverns, it became kind of harder to hire your local witch. Yeah. You know, without those third spaces existing anymore, you're not going to meet the witch in the Starbucks. Yeah.

Or down to the Burger King. You've got to find creepy corners of the world, and there is no creepier corner these days than the internet. it's true and like it is mad isn't it that like like up behind you roy we have like the if you're watching the video of this there is like an evidence wall behind rory but it's crazy like anytime i'm in tesco's it's like mad to me that there is still like community boards i guess as they would call it yeah or someone just puts up a piece of paper being like i don't want to be friends yeah guitar lessons looking for a friend if you want yeah it's it's always a little sad there's always a tinge of sadness with all the ads.

Yeah. You know, anyone need guitar lessons? Guitar spelled wrong. It's like, I'm not going to trust him with my child to learn guitar. But like, yeah, I mean, that might be a place for witches. But yeah, it makes sense that they went online because, as we'll get into as well, witches have always been persecuted too. So they couldn't, even if there is the Starbucks community board, you know,

they maybe don't want to advertise and play in sight. Right. Which I assume is why no one took up any of the slips to be my Paddywan. It's again spelt wrong. Paddywan, because I'm an Irish Jedi Master, but no one wanted to be my Paddywan, which is fine. One guy showed up and I said, I'll teach you how to use a force now, I will. You've heard of Luke Skywalker's. I'm Luke Sky Tato.

That's me. Luke, I'm your da. What? I'm your dad, Luke. Have you met your daughter yet? He's a good fella. He's never been the same though since he got kicked in the head by a donkey. He speaks all back to front, you know,

even more so than I do. Started on the Pines Young, that's why he's a little one. Oh, where does he live now? I think he's out at Degoba. Degoba system. It's sort of West Meath direction, I would say. County Degaba. County Degobah, the 33rd county. Oh shit.

Some people call it London Degaba. Eo! Damn, we got there. Digabah, London, dig about shit! Yes! Digabar London, shit. Shit.

F***. Ah! Well, as I said, just like witches were persecuted in the 16th century, the witches of Etsy face trials of their own. At one stage, Etsy tried to stop the movement altogether. Implementing a bad... It makes Etsy sound like the Illuminati. They were trying to stamp out witchcraft.

I think they were just like, it's not a great look. So they tried to implement a... ban on supernatural sales, and reinforcing terms and conditions around the sale of intangible items. I guess, I guess, you know, fair play. That's just a lot like the Protestant Reformation all over again. It's like, look, you can't sell access to heaven on Etsy. Yeah, can't sell magic, which is, hey, listen, I get it.

I like to support the supernatural arts as much as the next guy, but they just got to be careful that people aren't getting scammed out of their money. Well, it happened recently where, I don't know if you saw that, but there was, what's it called when Jesus is going to come and grab us all by the ankles and take us to hell or heaven? Rapture. Rapture. Rapture. This was another subsect of TikTok. Did you see this recently?

No. It was like this, it was in the last couple of months. Like a preacher or someone was like, I had a dream. And Jesus told me we will get raptured on like the 19th of December or whatever. Right. And a lot of people sold their houses and all their worldly possessions and gave all the money away to charity and all this crazy stuff. And spoiler alert, we're recording this in January. The rapture did not happen unless it was like located just in like Salt Lake City or something.

Right. Yeah. Yeah. London really doesn't feel very busy right now, to be fair. Are we sure it didn't happen? And we're left on earth? Right. Yeah. Yeah. The righteous have gone. So it does happen. Yeah. Yeah. You don't want people to get scammed. But by 2010, the Etsy Witches had established a getaround. They started selling their services and wares under the entertainment category, and the subculture was able to thrive once again. And as well as being a dynamic cottage industry,

Etsy witches, they represent a community that's deeply rooted in kind of spiritualism, neo-pagan religion, alternative discourse, and straight-up feminism. Then, with the arrival of TikTok, a network of witch influencers and vloggers, enriched the movement further, sharing tips, tastes, lifestyle advice, and opinions under the tag, hashtag witch talk. I just think the best way for us to get a true sense of what's going on over there, Rory, is to simply just tap in and see some hidden gems of witch talk. Let's do it. Let's check out a couple. I'm ready to be influenced. Money comes to me in increasing quantities through multiple revenue sources every single day. Every dollar you spend comes back to you, multiply, deadfold,

every single time. Wow. This is burning beautifully. That means you got money coming. Me? I helped you. You're welcome. Seems like she's talking to us, yeah.

Comments and like the video to claim that energy. That's crazy how effortlessly that burned and quickly. That means spirit... You said her on fire, Hecate. Of course, always guides me to do these things for everybody. That means the money is coming. Wow.

I wrote $1,000 for manifesting $1,000 before the week is over. $1,000 for the week is over. Let's do one more for good luck. Money comes to you in increasing quantities through multiple revenue sources. She's reciting this kind of mantra as she burns something into kind of like a pot in front of her. Yeah, I thought if it's like sage leaves. There's some kind of leaf with obviously. Yeah.

You are a money magnet. I am a woman like to claim. Okay. the energy that I've sent to you. I don't know how many like kind of old-timey alchemy spells require likes and comments to claim the energy. That feels like a very 21st century thing. I don't think Merlin was asking people to throw a tip in the jar

or else the spell isn't going to work. This video has 27.1,000 comments. Okay. I think you can see here, Rory, top comment. $1,000 before the week is over. Next comment. I claim with pure intentions. Thank you, Hekate. Cool name.

Just comment after comment. I'm claiming this energy. Thank you. I'm claiming this energy. I claim. And just hundreds and hundreds of upvotes and all of it. I don't think an upvote works. I don't think you can upvote someone else saying they claim the energy. Yeah.

You know, I'm pretty down bad financially. I see you commented there. It's one of the top ones. I said, please upvote. Please help. I mentioned on a recent podcast that I crashed my wife's car. So I need the $1,000. So I might have to bookmark this one to be quite honest with you.

Let's just check out. Again, that's not the full story. Your car was already broken. And you crashed your wife's car into your neighbor's car. I already needed a new, I need a new gearbox for my car. Three cars total. And the new gearbox was like thousands. And then the mechanic said, actually, we don't think it's the gearbox.

And they were like, so we just think there's this other really expensive part you probably need to. And then I crash my wife's car. Yeah. And if you could make the bill for this out to Hecatar, please? Hecate. Hecate. Do you get to pick a new name if you decide to become a rich? Sorry.

And then I borrowed my dad's car and it broke down on me on the motorway. My life's a recatee. I eat all the magic I get. Do you get to pick Hekate is the god, not her. Oh! Her name is... I'm being fully clear now.

I know very little about this world. Her name is Anastasia Artimao. Oh, equally cool. Brother, you don't even have to change your name if you start like that. I don't think that's a government name. I'm going to keep it 100% with you right now. Let's watch another TikTok.

I think I'll see what else is going on. I can't remember what these are, to be honest. A simple ritual for the winter solstice from a Celtic witch. Nice. From the day of about. system. Great accent. Light a candle and whisper one thing you're ready to release with the dying light.

Say a thank you and then blow out the candle. Saying goodbye to all that you're ready to let go of. Then just like the sun is reborn, re-light your candle and set a new intention. Invite back in the light, a celebration of both light and dark. Okay. Hey, very nice.

I actually liked that one. It was a very nice sentiment. Light a candle. Yeah. Think of the thing that you want to release and blow the candle out. Yeah, this is like where witchcraft meets like eat prey love. Yeah. Where it's very like it's almost like goop candle type shit.

You know, oh, your boyfriend dumped you. Like let's get some gal pals around. Get a bottle of rose and burn a couple photos of them as like a fun little ritual. Yeah, exactly. It's more of like the sentiment that can help you with it. Yeah. Like you could you could conceivably do this kind of thing in like an episode of friends. and it would be cute and fun.

Yeah. So slightly different vibe, less commercially minded this video. She seems nice. I think let's just keep it pushing. What would you release? Oh, what would I release? If you had to light the candle and...

The cars, the kind of... All three cars that are destroyed, actually. I would release them to We Buy Anycar.com. I would release them to their full potential of being crushed into a cube. That's when I would do. I'd been writing. a bike for weeks, guy.

And it's been really icy. I fell off the bike and destroyed my ass on the ice. I was cycling to meet you at the pub as well. Like a true paddy one. He crashed his bike on the way to the pub. God damn it. And then, you know what's f***ed up? Doing all these spells to make money.

You know what I, the only thing I broke, falling off the bike, wasn't my wrist, wasn't my bike. it was my wallet. My wallet got dented into I couldn't, I tried to pay for a round at the bar and my card wouldn't come out of the wallet. I was like, oh shit, it was all mangled. What a metaphor.

Someone's cursed me, bro. This is crazy. To come for the cars and then come from my wallet like that. You're so broke, you're broke. Your wallet's so broke. It itself is broken. The gods were like, should we break his legs?

Like that worse. Actually, this break his credit card in half. He won't be able to move. Oh, let's keep it moving. Okay, let's check out on. These are great. So let's check out another one. Yeah, I don't hate this.

I don't do love spells. I do obsession spells because they're way stronger. And I'm going to share one with you today. Shit. We don't do this unless you absolutely want this person obsessed with you. Is that a bullet hole in our hugs? A cleansed jar and our petition. Our petition is a torn piece of paper with their name and their date of birth on it.

You're going to take the petition and you're going to fold it towards you three times because you want this person to come to you. You want them to be obsessed with you. Okay, we're going to throw that in the dark. The first thing you're going to add is sugar. Speaking so fast. This person cast the Adderall spell before recording this video. Okay, then you're going to add in rosemary. Rosemary, so they dream about you. Rosemary will get in all I can think about is you. Okay. Then we're going to add in red pepper flakes, red pepper flakes for fiery passion. Makes sense. Can't argue that. magnet, so they are only attracted to you.

This is a crazy cocktail. This is not how I think this works. A blue lotus for a deep connection. A little bit more in there. A fucking magnet. God time. And then bend over oil. So they bend to our will.

And you can make this. She said bend over oil? What the fuck is this? Bend over oil. Diddy party? It's just a bottle of lube. Shit. That's what bent over oil is.

Oh, mercy. God damn. Somebody's arrest this woman. All they want is us. You only desire me. You only have feelings for me. You are obsessed with me. All you can think about and dream about is me.

And then you seal it with a pink or a red candle to lock in your intentions. And then you just leave this sit on your altar and watch them become obsessed with you. I've got to say, very relieved. She isn't like, now you spike their. drink with this concoction. No, you put it on your altar and that's enough. Yeah. And you know, I'd like to be skeptical of whether or not this spell works, but I could see myself and Kit are both rock hard right now. The camera only goes to just to the waist. Yeah, it's worked. But yeah, I don't know how she micro-targeted us like that. The sheer mention of bendover oil did it for me,

frankly. I, can you Google bend over oil? No, bro. You look at that show at your device. I know, You're not going to get me like that. I might have to disconnect from the work Wi-Fi before I Google. Jump on a VPN before you look on that one. Hold on. Don't f*** is bend over oil. I guarantee nothing will come up. Nothing will come up.

I guarantee it. Oh, no, this is a real thing. Bend over oil is a metaphysical spiritual or conjure oil used in magic and rituals to influence or bend someone's will. Making them more compliant, agreeable or submissive to you. commands. Wow. There you have it. Bendover Oil. I'm going to buy a bottle of bend over today after this podcast is over and that's going to be the This Paranormal Life monthly raffle giveaway. Hell yeah. For this month. That's a fire idea. You can get a signed

bottle of bent over oil from me and Kit. You know, there's some products are way easier to order online than in person. This is on Amazon. But I mean like back in the day, you would have to walk into a shop and be like, hey, yeah, I just can't find the bend over oil. I'll be like, get the fuck out of here. You freak. It was embarrassing enough buying condoms as a kid. Do you remember the first time you had to do that?

Well, I wasn't a kid. Let's put that out there right now. Oh, you were like 26, 27, I think, the first time. Yeah. Let's split the difference, let's say, between being a child and 26. Sure, also me. But back then as well, this was before the time of even self-checkouts. You would to go up to often an elder in the community in our small town in Ireland

and hand them a box of condoms, usually making eye contact. So talk me through that strategy because I always felt you got to throw them off the scent. Yep, you add some fluffers. That's what you do. Well, fluffers, again, interesting word to use. but so I'd be like because fluffer normally means someone on a porn set who would

get your cock ready by kind of fluffing it so it's ready for the scenes so don't say fluffer sure well you mean a filler you mean filler you're always again another little Freudian slip if you had a fluffer with you the gig would have it up yeah

who's this oh it's my fluffer sorry you've been too late to have the condoms yeah you got to throw like throw a pack of gum in there throw a magazine Make it super casual, yeah Some head and shoulders Some links deodorants

And then you go Yeah, let me get it And uh And you know what Yeah, just get some condoms as well No what is that? No, I don't want to come a condoms Yeah

Yeah Yeah Well, they're on sale So I'll get a copy of The Guardian Sunday paper And yeah Some Trojan magnum condoms

Yeah, yeah Yeah, that sounds good Yeah You gotta be worried though in case you accidentally, you try to make it really casual, like family guy, normal, dude. Yeah. Shopping basket buying condoms. But it ends up being weirdly more kinky.

It's like... That's why you've got to be careful with the fillers. It's like, a single carrot, a packet of a gorgonzola and some condoms is like, all right. It's worse. Dude. It got way worse. You know, it's yours. We're not, I don't even want to scan it through.

Yeah. Yeah. One more TikTok for the road? Yep. Okay. Just so we fully understand what's going on in this community. Somebody said, how do you keep Jehovah's witnesses from coming up and knocking on your door? And I said, that's easy.

Just paint rocks like this. So she's holding a rock, quite a large rock that I think she's placing outside of her front door. And they have pentagrams on them. Knock on my door. They have walked up and I've seen them turn around. I was peeping through the window. and they threw salt over their shoulders onto my porch and walked away.

Wow. And I was like, the protection worked. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I don't doubt her. I don't doubt her. I don't know if that one's magic, but it is funny.

Yeah, I think if anyone is trying to promote their own very hyper-specific religious beliefs and they approach a house where there is pentagrams carved under rocks outside the front door, they probably are going to turn around. So in a way it works I'll be honest I think if the Jehovah's Witnesses

looked through the window and saw her dreadlocks they're going to turn around that white lady with dreadlocks like no we're not changing her no she's whatever rabbit hole

she's down she is too far down the rabbit hole Jehovah doesn't want to witness this hit Jehovah cover your eyes Yehovah Yehovah

Yehovah yeah over please I don't know a lot about how that religion works shit it is funny seeing you do start to spot a pattern

with witches that they are almost always women. It seems like online. There are male practitioners of this kind of stuff. There's a lot of women. And it does, you know, it is easy to make fun of these people. I know a lot of men that would fold within one conversation to this woman. Yep. Every single one of these ladies in this video has at one point ruined my life. Over the last 10 years. These are tatted up young women with lots of necklaces. And sure, her hair is matted like that of a wild horse. But, you know, she seems pleasant. Listen, buddy, with enough bend over oil.

Whoa, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill. You could comb her hair out. Listen, baby, I got some oil. Let's get these, let's get these knots out. At Medcan, we know that life's greatest moments are built on a foundation of good health. From the big milestones to the quiet winds. That's why our annual health assessment offers a physician-led, full-body checkup

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Hey, look, it's not just TikTok. These communities also thrive on Reddit and YouTube and places like that. So what can we find on these platforms also? Well, it's been pretty fascinating to hear directly from the people who buy these services to. For example, check this account on Reddit from user True Off My Chest entitled, In Desperation, I hired an Etsy witch. Quote, my mother has been going through the ringer with her husband.

He's been on a downward spiral and has been emotionally and mentally abusive. He lost his job and has left the burden of every. thing on her. She's begged him to leave, but he won't. I couldn't take it anymore, and I hired an Etsy witch to get rid of him. Twelve hours later, he crashed his car and it's totaled. Jesus Christ, I couldn't believe it when it happened. I kind of feel bad, but I'm too busy being freaked out. I can't decide if it's a coincidence or not. I never believed in buying a witch from Etsy, but it was $12 and I couldn't take my mom crying anymore. The guy got hit with the kit spell. Yeah, yeah, down. Crashed his car immediately.

It's going to cost me a lot more than $12 to tell you that. But yeah, worrying, worrying developments here, how much my life is, although I don't want to get it twisted. I'm not an emotionally, mentally abusive. The worst crime I commit against my lovely wife is like talking about too many podcasts I listen to or something, talking about ancient Rome or something when she doesn't give a shit. Right. That's the most abusive I am. Yeah, verbally abusive. I think they call that.

Well, don't take that out of context. Yeah, but that's not traditionally what is meant by yapping too much. Verbally abusive. Thank you very much. And look, the Etsy witch topic, it continues to spark just as much discussion today as ever. Entertainingly, most Etsy witch-themed chat on Reddit seems to concern sports with various threads reading, anyone want to go in on an Etsy witch for that extra push to the world series? Or the Mariners are 8 and 0 since the Etsy witch was hired?

They were. They had a crazy season. Another one. I paid an Etsy witch so the Raiders can out-tank the giants in the 2025 tank bowl. These words are not in the Bible. I don't know what these mean. But I guess desperate times call for desperate measures. Rory, giving you any ideas of what I would hire a witch for? I don't know. I mean, how your team's doing? I don't even know. I think it's kind of, it's funny, obviously, that this profession has kind of had to just adapt with the times. you know, 100, 200, 300 years ago,

maybe these types of practitioners in witchcraft would have been hired to do such tasks as overthrow a king, kill a monarch, curse a village. Some hamlet shit, yeah. Things have changed a bit. The world is moving forward at an increasingly rapid rate, and I assume most of the time

he's at sea witches are just blessing sports teams. That's got to me what it is, you know? I don't know what their day-to-day is. probably some love potion ones as well, maybe some enemy potions, but I think things have changed probably a lot since the olden days. Hey, every industry has like a breadwinner. You know, if you talk to someone who owns like a fashion company, a clothing company, they'll be like, hey, I got into this business to make cool shit like coats and jumpers and stuff like that, but it's a t-shirt game. The t-shirts pay the bills and then we get to do the fun stuff. Maybe if you're a

Which, you're like, yeah, sure. Blessing the Raiders this season, pay. It bought my new kitchen. Yeah. But I'm really in it for the kind of more interesting spells. Yeah, it's like when actors and celebrities sign up to do cameo, they're like, I want to act, but I can like pay for my house and my rent by doing little cameo bits. For sure.

I like it. I get it. It makes sense to me. We can get a little bit more insight to the type of spells being offered, actually, Rory, because just last year, Forbes magazine created a short, Xbox, Jose on the Etsy witch phenomena and its market value and some of its dubious practices. So Forbes listed a whole host of offerings they had on earth from the internet. These included Extreme Millionaire Lottery Spell.

We'll set you back only $13.13. Wow. That sounds like a no-brainer. Something called best death spell. If you're run-of-the-mill death spell wasn't quite cutting it. They just lost their foot or something when you tried the previous one. Does that, I need to read the T's and C's for the best death spell. Does that mean I, when it is my time, will befall the best death? Or does that mean, listen, I want to straight up kill myself, but I don't want it to be a bad death.

I want it to be a good one now. Can I do this? Or do I pay for someone to have my enemy to have the best death? In my eyes, that's them falling into like a meat grinder or something, you know? I read it as in a world of death spells where I'd be that guy, I want him dead. And then it's just like, hey, this is the top tier shit. This is the, like, the best death spell. Got it.

Right. Yeah, that's an important one. But you might be right. That's a better way to think about it. It's like, imagine the confusion. It's like, sorry, you want them to go peacefully in their sleep? Yeah, yeah. No, me.

I want to go peacefully in my sleep. Not my enemy. I want him to get crushed by a piano. Another one, oh, that was $60.87 cents, if anyone's counting. Next one. A 14th dimensional master energy. Again, T's and Cs. Don't know what this is.

We'll set you back a pretty handsome $365. What am I getting for that? Presumably it's kind of $1 a day for the entire year. Oh, that's pretty smart. You get it January 1st. And every day of the year, you have 14th dimensional master energy. Fair play. Can I just do it like first two months?

see if I like it. A trial period. No, this is some Nord VPN. Like, by the annual past, now you'll save 30%. Because if I feel like if I have control over the fourth dimension and can bend the universe to my will, I need that for like a weekend. Stop talking about bend and shit. Bend over oil bending the universe and the oil.

Pause, pause, pause. If I could do that for a weekend, I feel like I'd be set. I don't need it from the rest of the year. I know what you mean. I know what you mean because it's like, you're saying Bolt didn't need 14th dimensional master energy. every day of his life. No, he needed it for like one time in the Olympics. Yeah, he got a wish and said, robot legs and then he was done, he was sorted. He beat every world record and now that's him.

Exactly. Just two more, but these are maybe saving best to last year. Okay. Well, I assume this is a selection of options we're going to pick from and do at the end of the podcast. We can if you want. We can if you want. We're doing it. Next up we have Wonderful Holiday with Family Spell. Oh, that's cute. For a mere $19.1. And so, So let me say this, because whenever you go on a budget airline now, you go to EasyJet, you book a holiday. Yeah. Right at the checkout, they're like, you know that price we mentioned? You're going to want insurance.

You're going to want, because, hey, you know how many people get decapitated by a swordfish in Malaga every year? Zero, actually, but they think it could happen. That means we're due one. Yeah, we're due one. It's been zero for 150 years. So you're going to want the extra, you know, 27 pound 50. insurance for the whole family. What I'm telling you is at $19,

wonderful, you're guaranteed a wonderful holiday with family. It's going to be fine. It's cheaper than insurance. You can actually do some real dangerous shit on that holiday. You know you're covered. And finally, child athlete's spell. Oh, yeah. Hell yeah. It's not too late

for your daughter, Kit. Well, I wouldn't think so. It should be four years old. Yeah, but I wonder if it's like straight out the belly, you've got to cast this. Like the baby comes out and you're in a cloak. with you mark it like the lion king on the forehead

crack a coconut open and poor shit on them I assume that's the spell it needs to be done very quickly. Yeah, heckate make this child a D1 draft pick athlete. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's do the lottery one. How much was that? $13.13.

Here's what we should do. We should do the lottery one at the end of this podcast, sign up and do it, and then we'll just buy a bunch of lottery tickets. Okay. And if it works, then we know we can fill everyone in next week on whether or not we won the lottery. Well, you'll see us in the news because I'll have a solid gold racing car.

That's pretty cool, actually. Yeah, we don't need to get my wife excited. She loves the lottery. Oh, what? Really? And then worryingly, she was like, you know, maybe it was coming to terms with kind of like, I guess I have been entering it for years and I haven't really won anything. And I guess I know it's a problem, you know, to keep doing it all the time because it's just a slow drain your finances over the course of your life.

It's pretty unlikely a win. Then she won like 400 pounds one day. What? And they've got her now. They've got her for the next like 10 years. Yeah. She's like 3K down, but that 400, that'll keep the lights on. You know what the worst bit is?

That 400 made me believe. And I've been entering that shit nonstop. Right back in the system. I'm like lightning. You know what they say? Lightning strikes twice more often than it's. strikes once. Well, Rory, we've kind of been beaten to the punch, honestly, because in fact, working on this case, researcher Ewan was so impressed by the offerings online, he already purchased

a ritual from a highly reviewed witch on Etsy to bless this paranormal life in 2026. So he opted for the psychic manifestation ritual, which offers improvements in love, luck, career, telepathic insight, and it comes with free delivery to the UK. So I guess we're just going to have to watch the kind of financial and professional success of this podcast closely this year after Ewan's big £3.49 pence supernatural investment. I love that it's like there's a lot of stuff in there that really shouldn't be involved in blessing this paranormal life. Love? Yeah. Well, hey, hey, we all, you know, even I'm married, even marriages have their ups and nouns.

You know, maybe things can always get better, right? It's like, love, Rory kissed Phil, luck, Phil didn't sue. So, it's all paid for itself. Career, yeah, we didn't go bankrupt. And telepathic insight. That's pretty nice. That's pretty cool. Actually, can we scratch that one off?

I don't want you guys to know what I'm thinking. It's the bend over oil, isn't it? Okay, look, as we can see all too well, there are some scams. Sure, some dark jokes, sure. But this is all in the day, the average day here at this paranormal life. F*** that one up. But for all intents and purposes online, witching represents a fun, wholesome community and more interested in kind of ceremony and a thoughtful state of mind than of evil deeds and infighting.

Yeah. Right. Wrong. All right. Let's return to where we started today, the baby witches and the moon hex. What a sentence. This is why I'm broke. This is why my car is totaled.

Because I'm sitting around and talking about it. Anyway, let's remind ourselves how it all kicked off. The story was broken first in tweets like this one by a Twitter user, Winged Alatus. They wrote, What's Going On with the Moon? A thread because everyone's confused. So basically, in the past few days, a great. group of fresh baby witches, brackets, inexperienced witches who should only be researching and doing protection work, decided to band together and hex the Faye.

And then the moon. And they did it. After hexing the Faye, this group of newbie witches decided to hex the moon and yeah, the planet, the moon, they hexed it. Why does this matter? Well, for witches, the moon is integral to our work. Most notably, it fuels spells and provides power. Obviously, you shouldn't disrespect the moon.

And yes, as I just mentioned, as if hexing the moon wasn't bad enough, rumor had it that these newbie witches also cursed the Faye. The Faye, of course, obviously being Celtic fairy folk. And quite frankly, they are not to be f***ed with. It's unclear as to why these witches have been playing around with such powerful forces. but some commentators believe it was just to simply make a name for themselves in the community. Wow, okay. Kind of as Roy Powers might often cite if you go to prison.

What's the first thing you do? Punch the biggest guy there. In this case, the moon. You hex the moon to make a name for yourself? Yeah, yeah. Damn. I mean, it's scary that we live in a world where a baby witch can hold that much power. Yeah.

You know? That they have got actually. access to this knowledge so early on, you'd think that they would only be capable of pulling off minor spells. Yeah, I would agree. Yeah, it's almost as if, yeah, life should have some kind of world of warcraft system where that spell would just simply be inaccessible to a level two mage. Exactly, yeah. Type thing. But clearly, the plan to get a name for themselves kind of backfired. I guess they became infamous. The witches actually had to go on to keep a low profile, go into hiding to seek protection.

The cut wrote, quote, one witch from Wichstock knows who the four amateur witches who attempted the lunar hex are, but is keeping their identity secret to protect them from harassment. Wow, that's the real protection spell. Exactly right there. But if these events proved anything, it was that the Witch Talk movement is not immune to controversy. Not at all. And in fact, because the political climate in the U.S. has really heated up during the last two Trump administrations, some quite well. Well, publicized hexes and curses have come to light. These curses have been focused on people like Trump, Elon Musk, and others.

Things got dark when last year in 2025 Jezebel.com published an article called, quote, we paid some Etsy witches to curse Charlie Kirk. Wow. And two days later, he was shot and killed. The article allegedly contained a curse on Kirk that would, quote, afflict him with irritations and inconveniences. Needless to say, that article is gone from the internet not. Really?

It was taken on for sure. But Wikipedia sums it up by saying, Kirk was killed two days after the article was published on the 10th of September 2025. The website then removed the article, citing their condemnation of political violence and their compassion for Kirk's family. The article attracted attention in the media due to the untimely coincidence. One of the witches, they say, who cursed Kirk. made a statement

that she did not claim responsibility for his death but she described her magic as effective which can manifest in unthinkable ways later she apologized for saying that

saying she regretted any distress cause to the family so she kind of she was like look I don't claim it but it's a wild one to have

on the CV for sure I don't know if you're putting that in the Etsy listing yeah but it's like if she does lottery spells I'm paying that witch yeah it'll be interesting

interesting to, you definitely could find who that is. I think their name is pretty public. That's crazy. But put it this way. I don't want to sit around here and talk about Charlie Kirk. I don't want to talk about those events. But I think you can see it would be impossible to talk about Etsy Witches without the biggest Etsy Witch story of the last, well, forever. Yeah. Which was the death of Charlie Kirk. So it's kind of mad. I'm going to, as we reach the end of the episode, I'm going to park the shooting of of Charlie Kirk as like a... For the after party. For sure, we're going to go deep on it in the after party. But we're going to maybe park that as kind of evidence, I think, because personally, I don't want to start leaning on that as like, this is real. I think let's, I want to see if Etsy witches and Wichot can maybe stand on its own two feet

with evidence without the very recent murder of Charlie Kirk. Can I get any more information on what it meant when the moon was cursed? Because the way you worded it sounded like they pulled it off and this is the end times. But as you said, the moon is pretty much fine. I'm sure if you go on Etsy, a lot of these witches are still practicing, despite the moon now being hexed. Yeah. Is there any, I don't know, events that are taking place or any catastrophic things that are happening that people are saying, claiming is because the moon. has been hexed? Any more like evidence in the case?

Look around. Ecosystems collapsing. World governments being toppled. Gotham City crumbles around you. You what? Oh, is anything going wrong? Oh, ho. Ask yourself, is anything going right?

Yeah. I have to, when was it? It was July 2025. I think you could unfortunately make the argument that everything was going wrong. before July 2025 anyway. Sure. So you're, I like to imagine the cursing of the moon as more of like a, you know in like a movie when like a maniac is like,

I'm going to shoot him? And then someone shoves the gun out of their hand. They go, shoofs to the, shooch, shoot off at it. They're like, are you crazy? I think that's what happened here. I think they were like, we're going to say, yeah. And then someone's like, no, no, you're not. Stop it.

What are you doing? They tried to hex the moon. Maybe they didn't pull it off. Baby witches, huh? What are you going to do? Yeah. Well, I think we have a very obvious way to conclude today's episode. I think we might have to conclude in two different ways. We can come to our conclusion now at the end of the episode,

but I think we're only going to really know our answer when we buy one of these lottery spells and pick up 50 tickets. Yeah, you think? And then if we win, we'll know that it's a yes. We'll do a like a revised... I like that. Yeah. I like that a lot.

I think you can kind of tell what we're coming down. for now, though. Oh, yeah. For a no? Because, double no. Well, yeah. Well, no. I said yeah really quickly. Sorry. Of course. I mean, what? No. So, to be clear, why do I keep on to say Charlie Kirk?

Charlie Kirk, no. Ewan, researcher Ewan. He bought the spell already. Yeah. So we do have some, maybe we could say some early indications. You know, do we have any, what was that? Love luck. Just the success of this part of my life. Has anything cool happened in the,

the weeks since Ewan has bought that spell for us? For the company? For this paranormal life, yeah. I dropped my work keys down an elevator shaft. Yeah. They're gone. The elevator then broke and was shut down in the building for quite a while. Right.

There's a package downstairs in the building I think is missing or stolen. That's not good. Phil and I went setting up today. We were missing a cable. I had to go buy another one. So I've actually lost money since we started this year. So it's a double no today. I think it's a double no.

But temporarily, or like a provisional no. Yeah. Yeah, I think to be, I think you are right. We will see what happens, whether we win the lottery. Yeah. And here's what I'll say. Because you're thinking, well, you're not going to win the lottery. We might.

We might get the 400 pound prize that Danielle got. So it's very possible. This is like someone asking you, do you like McDonald's? and you've never had a Big Mac. How am I supposed to answer that question? Do I believe in Etsy Witches? I've never hired one. That's what we need to do to take this across the line.

It is a no now, for sure, though. Double, I think. Yeah, because I just think, you know, all right, let's bring the Charlie Kirk shit back. They promised him an inconvenience. And I think they clearly either, they massively overshot, pun not intended on that, or it is simply a coincidence

because the intended spell did not take place. That was like the whole leader of Bendover oil went into that one. Yeah. So, and then the cursing the moon, I mean, you said it yourself. I don't think anything happened. Yeah. So I don't think there's any actual solid evidence here to say. And I'm going to go on a limb and say that the 27,000 people in the comments of that TikTok video didn't all receive $1,000 before the end of the week.

Yeah. You know? This is what we need to think about when we're buying our lottery spell. Yeah. Do you want to pay a witch who has like 3,000 reviews? I see where you're going with us. Because that witch is getting used all the time. And obviously not all those people are winning the lottery.

Do you want like, maybe we should shotgun blast style higher like nine witches. Like the lottery tickets, to be honest. Yes, that is our lottery tickets. We might actually spend more on witches than we win from lottery tickets. There's an interesting math to that. We're going to hire every witch in the world. I buy one lottery ticket and see if we can win. That's a pretty funny TikTok video idea, isn't it?

Instead of buying a thousand lottery tickets, we get a thousand spells and then buy one lottery ticket. Shit. I bought a thousand spells. I bought a thousand spells so you don't have to. Oh, damn. Great stuff. All right. It's a double-note.

No, damn. But... Well, maybe not. Maybe not. We'll see. For now, my friends. Really enjoyed investigating that. Thank you to researcher.

Ewan Friars for helping investigate that one. Really cool story. Actually, we don't even have to wait till next week's episode. We can just drop in a recording right now of what happens. Yeah. Okay. So here's what we're going to tell you right now, whether we won or didn't win the lottery. No, we didn't win.

And I crashed my car again. We're billionaires! Oh shit! We did it! You think a billion? I don't think there's any lottery that... Pack up the mics, bud. Put your shoes on.

We're going to Fiji. So we're done. We're done. There's no more... The podcast is over. There's no more podcasts. Close your laptop. Didn't you just hear what happened in the break?

Shit. Yeah. That's crazy. We do have shoutouts to do, though, for Patreon. No, we don't have to anymore. We can't, we act... But as of right now, we still owe them to people, so... Well, those people that are waiting for them,

I just bought them all... Best deaths. Best deaths. So they're gone. They went peacefully in the night, but they're all gone. We don't have to do shoutouts this week. And we're never again. Sorry, it's really hard to get used to like the logic of now that spells are real. Yeah.

It's really hard to get used to the amount of zeros in my bank account, brother. That's what I'm struggling with right now. Yeah. Yeah, I got more M's than an M&M store. Okay. That's what my bank account is looking like. If you want, I guess we could do last shoutouts as like a little fun. way to go out. Yeah. All right. Well, hey, if you want to remember us fondly, then patreon.com

forward slash this paranormal life, you can find everything we ever did past tense. Yeah. And don't bother signing up to any of those tears because we don't need the money. Yeah. We don't need the money. Didn't you hear in the break? No, but today, at the time of recording, we haven't won yet. But, and like we might really need Patreon if we don't win. If the spells don't work. What did I just tell you, three cars, three cars totaled. The spirits are out to get me. Okay. All right. Oh, yeah. Okay. Well, yeah, okay. Assuming there's a slight chance we might not win. Please don't leave. Yeah. Do go to Patreon and support the show. We really appreciate it. Special. Yeah. Patreon.com. Links in the description. I'm worried now. Links in the description on all our socials. Patreon.com

forward slash this paranormal life. Check it out. Bonus episodes. Everything. The lot. Special thank you to Fluff mellow. Flofmello does sound like an elder mage on TikTok, actually. Fluff Mello tried to bring down the damn world trade centers. I think they did something super controversial. Everyone was like, you're insane. You need to be locked up in Azkaban. A fluff mellow sounds like when I put a bag of marshmallows down with my condoms to check out at the register. They're fluff mellows.

Thanks also to Lauren Moss. Lauren Moss sounds a little bit too much like Lauren Boss. Boss sounds like King. King sounds like kitten Rory. You understand what I'm getting at here. Lauren, you got to drop the second name if you want to come into the commune. Yeah.

Simple as that. Let's give you a new one. Lauren. Fluff. And actually, Lauren, Lord, Lord. Oh, God. Oh, yeah. Nah.

We got to change the whole name, actually. Just Miss Fluff. We'll suffice. No more first name for you. Just a title and the last name. Thanks also to TJ Pastel. T.J. Pastel, you're allowed in this castle because I assume T.J stands for the jester.

And that means that you're allowed in because no kings. We have a couple nights, but we do need a jester. We need plenty more jester. Yeah, because Rory keeps shooting them. If they're not funny, you just shoot them. They're not funny enough. Yeah, of course. It's a high-risk profession, I'll tell you that much. An unfunny jester? What's the point in that?

Let's go out with this last one for today. Special thank you. Lastly, but not leastly, to Wesley Adams. Wesley Adams is actually the kind of adopted child in the Adams family. They got Wednesday and they go Wesley. They're like, oh yeah, that's Wesley. That's way too close to Wednesday. Wesley at.

They adopted the kid. They didn't get to choose the name. Yikes. And they're like, so Wednesday's crazy. It's all up to this like crazy Adams family. Higinks. Wesley works in Subway. He's just a normal guy.

He's just a normal 16-year-old, yeah. So, but shout out, you know. Hey, shout out to you. In the Adams household. I hope all of you who support us on Patreon enjoyed this, the last ever episode of this paranormal life. Well, yeah. I guess you'll know.

I guess you'll know, yeah. Yeah. What are you going to do with your fifth of the money? I feel like they're probably selling Epstein's Island pretty cheap right now. Because, for sure. So. So weird, so weird that that's the first place your mind went. You could probably buy a regular island.

Yeah, well, I want an island. But I'm just saying that's like the Tesco yellow sticker discount island right now. Like if normally it would be like $8, $12 million, well, they're probably going to be given away for four right now. Then you got $4 to, you know, $8 million to spend on like, I don't know, helicopters or something. I'm taking your fifth of the money. Really? I'm taking it back. Yeah.

That was a test to see what you would do with it. myth of the money. Hold on. There's two of us. You got only get a bit. You're going to cash on to that. All right, we got some legal disbues, contractual stuff to figure out. I'm getting my island. All right.

I'm getting an eye. Not that one. It doesn't have to be the L. Not that one. Not that one. It can be any island. Okay. There's not an Irish island.

Ireland's cold. I'm done. You know all this shit? La-di-da-di-da. I love Ireland. That's because I'm broke. If I'm rich, I'm gone. It's because I'm not rich enough to leave.

Yeah. I don't. I hate the cold. I hate the cold. I hate the cold. All right. Cheers. See you next.

No, we won't see you next week. Thanks for listening. I'm a billionaire. Bye-bye.