This Past Weekend - 1 - 16 - 17 | This Past Weekend #5

Episode Date: January 16, 2017

Theo talks if he could murder. Stranded Dallas fans. Little House on the Prairie. And trying to be decent.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You know what that is, don't you? You know what that is? It's you? You know what that is? It's a Little House on the Prairie theme song, baby. The Daniel Cain Orchestra. Remember that? Let's hear that intro again, dude. Ah. That dirty, what is that?

Trumpet? A horn? That's it that is it the little house on the prairie theme song god that was a good one one of my favorite shows of all time some people know that some people don't now you know it michael landon bruh i bring this to you. It is January 16th. It's 1240 a.m. I had a show tonight at the Hollywood Improv. And afterwards, I had a fan of mine, friend, I say a friend, a lady that I've met through comedy,ought me two shirts as a gift. One of them had you know who your boy, Michael Landon, on the front. Oh, beautiful shirt, dude. Some type of cotton, black cotton or something. And another shirt, it said, All Day I Dream About Michael Landon.

Now that one might be a little bit of a reach, but still. You gotta love Michael Landon. I grew up watching The Little House on the Prairie. It was like the only time my brothers and sisters and I would sit together in sheer joy. It was in the morning. It came on every morning on TBS. And it still does, actually. It might come on every morning on TBS. And it still does actually. It might come on

the afternoons now, but it came on every morning in Little House on the Prairie. If you don't know the show, it's about a man and his children. And they just doing their best, bro. They're doing their best. And I loved it, dude. We would sit there and watch it. We would fight to be

in front of the TV. We had like this 12 inch color TV. I think it was dude. We would sit there and watch it. We would fight to be in front of the TV. We had like this 12-inch color TV. I think it was color. I don't remember. I was a kid. So even if it's black and white when you're a kid, you can imagine there's color there. But man, we would sit and watch the episodes. I found an episode here

online. The first season, first episode, Little House on the Prairie. The episode called A Harvest of Friends, bruh. I'm going to read to you the synopsis of it. The original air date, September 11th, 1974. In the first episode of season one, the Ingalls, that's the family, settle on the banks of Plum Creek. Charles asks the Olsens for credit to buy a plow and seed, but they explain they can only offer credit to farmers they've known for a long time.

Charles ends up making a deal with Mr. O'Neill. In exchange for a plow and seed, Charles agrees to repair O'Neill's roof and stack his grain within three weeks. After completing the roof, Charles decides to take the family on an all-day picnic to make up for the time he's spent working. Unfortunately, he falls out of a tree while trying to retrieve a kite. Oh, that kite hustle. And breaks his ribs. O'Neal assumes Charles won't be able to stack the grain and takes the oxen a day early. Losing the oxen, bruh. Charles can't afford to lose the oxen and tries to stack the grain with broken ribs.

He collapses. And then Laura and Mary start stacking the grain. Dr. Baker, Mr. Hanson, and Mr. Olsen and other townspeople see the girls struggling and team up to stack all the grain, allowing Charles to keep his oxen. That's teamwork, bro. That's family, man. You can't stack the grain. You can't get the job done. Your neighbors come to help you bro

that's what i loved i think that's what i loved about it man just seeing like camaraderie and teamwork because it wasn't like that in my neighborhood dude bro i remember man i remember first time i ever pulled up into my neighborhood, bro, growing up. Because my parents got divorced. I ended up in this shitty neighborhood. And the first day we got there, this man, these two grown men, this man, this older man, he was a senior citizen. He was fighting a bus driver. They were fighting in the street a school bus driver school bus driver he didn't wear a shirt you know he chose not to wear shirts or just didn't do shirts

but they were fighting and they had a ditch fire going and a ditch fire instead of you know waiting for somebody to come and get your trash people would just burn all their trash in the ditch you know it's i mean i guess it could have created some carbon monoxide issues or you know um it could have affected the environment i don't know we didn't have an environment so anyway the bus driver threw this old dude into the ditch fire bro the old dude everybody's like you know going over to try to help but then this old dude bro gets wiry because you know old dudes got old dude strength this dude just got up out of the fire his arm was still burning he had flames coming off his back and he went and attacked the dude again bro attacked the bused the bus driver. And that was the first day I ever spent in my neighborhood.

When I saw that shit, I was like, damn, man. We're fucked. My family is fucked. So yeah, that was my old neighborhood. So I think when I saw things like Little House on the Prairie with camaraderie. They had a doctor if you got hurt. they had a dude in my neighborhood they got hurt he broke his clavicle right and uh or his collarbone or wish collarbone and he just his shirt never fit the same it just he didn't nobody took him to a doctor he just his shirt

never fit right again you know one of his he had kind of that slope coming in a little bit on the left i mean he couldn't you couldn't he couldn't keep a raindrop on his shoulder that's for damn sure so anyway man i guess i loved little house on the prairie and tonight somebody bought me this michael landon t-shirt i put it up on my instagrams um it was cool man it was just nice it was like a nice thing i didn't expect you know that's nice when something happens it's unexpected that's a beautiful thing i gotta remember to try to do that more often for other people i'll just do something nice you know dude i always wanted to break into

somebody's house and install an alarm. That used to be like kind of this idea of mine. Like I'm going to break in and install an alarm. But then I thought, what if you break in, somebody's there, you get shot up. Then you can't be like, you know, don't shoot me. I'm here to put in an alarm. I just don't know if they would buy it so maybe i'm i'm just gonna sit on that idea bro i'm gonna sit on that i'm gonna sit on

that idea but but ring the good idea bell because that is a good idea that is a good idea um good to chat with you or be here it is monday jan January 16th. It's actually Sunday night. I haven't gone to bed yet. It is 1248 a.m. Pacific Standard Time. And I had a pretty good weekend, man. What'd you do? What'd you do? I know you watched some football probably, huh?

Did you watch some football? There's a lot of good games on, man. I threw a little wager down. I bet on today's games. I bet Pittsburgh. I took Pittsburgh and a point, and I bet Green Bay would win. That was a game, huh? What about that footwork by Aaron Rodgers?

He barely even separates his legs. He's just like a little dancer out there. He's just like a little. He's just like a little dancer out there. He's just like a little, he's just like a little, he just kind of like, just, he's like a little like Billy Elliot. You know, he's like Billy Elliot from that British movie, you know. I'm not a poof dog. It's about a young, young gentleman. His father thinks that he's homosexual because he wants to dance. But he's not because he wants to dance um but he's not you know or he

may be who knows that he doesn't really go all into that but he just wants to be a dancer man and i'll be honest with you i think i could have been a dancer bro i mean there are days dude when i get when my feet just feel light you know and i really feel like i could have made a name for myself in some of those you know some, some of those circles, some of those dancing circles. But I just didn't have the I didn't have the support when I was younger emotionally to tell me it's OK to get out there and dance. You know, I just didn't have it, man. I didn't have it. So if you got a kid that wants to dance, get him some dancing shoes, man.

You know, I could still tap dance. I actually I met a guy yesterday who was an adult tap dancer. He was dressed like he was from Boardwalk Empire, kind of. So that was a little bit squirrely, but he's an adult tap dancer. And and I talked to him about it a little bit i will say it did seem a little strange when he just started just dropping feet everywhere like he would just break into some you know just fancy footwork so maybe it's not for me i don't know i thought it felt like jesus christ somebody fucking you know get this dude a Game Boy or something. You know, somebody get this guy a PlayStation 6 or something. I don't know.

I don't know. But, yeah, Green Bay won that game, huh? What a game. Both games. Dude, and then the Dallas fans, I don't know if you heard this, Dallas fans, they had a bunch of severe storms in the area and tornadoes. Some of them had to stay. They weren't allowed to leave the stadium.

And that's obviously the last ones, the most inebriated ones. They're stuck in there. Media, all the media was stuck in there. Some of the players were stuck there. So apparently they were all just hanging out in the middle of the field. I bet that was pretty interesting, you know. I'd be pissed, though, you know. You're starving.

Your team lost. $14 hot dogs, that's all they got for sale. You know, the cheerleaders are all fully dressed now. I'm out. Jerry Jones probably just offered them like some cups of water or something, you know. Nothing fancy. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I watched

that game. It was good, man. That Pittsburgh game looked cold, didn't it? Those guys look freezing cold. I don't know if I could do it. I'm at the age now where I think I've given up. There were years where I would watch football and be like,

ah, I could be out there. Even though I never played football. I never played it. I could be out there. Even though I never played football. I never played it. I played it at home. You know, we played, we played three times a week in our neighborhood. I never played organized football. We didn't have health insurance. So I was always afraid, you know, getting jacked up. I'd just be that dude, you know, I'd be like freaking the dude with the bad, with the bad clav clavicle you know the dude that can't hold a raindrop on his shoulder bro i didn't want to be like that you know they had another man in our town elvis impersonator i think i told this story actually but he broke his leg and uh and they set it in cement to save money.

And it healed up fine. But then when they broke the cast, when they rebroke the cast, they broke it with a sledgehammer and rebroke his leg and hip in about seven places, this dude. He was Elvis impersonator. I think I mentioned that. Anyway, man, what else is going on? Jimmy Snuka died. Jimmy Superfly Snuka. If you knew this guy or not, uh, he was a wrestler. He was, he was a wrassler. He was a wrassler, professional wrassler. dude before i forget this i was in the airport one time i saw evander holyfield the boxer right famous boxer got his ear bit off by mike tyson i saw him in the airport in the airport

in chicago a few years ago and he was sitting at a mcdonald's and the mcdonald's had a front porch it had like a little outlet that you could sit there and it kind of jutted out into the terminal walkway. So I'm walking along and I see Evander Holyfields. He's just sitting there and he's got a bunch of fries, man. Fries only. Nothing else. Just fries. And he was taking these fries.

He was taking these fries and just shoving them into his mouth and he couldn't even he couldn't even open his mouth i don't know if he'd just been punched so many times or maybe he could open his mouth he was just tired you know i never been so tired that i didn't open my mouth when i was putting food in it. I guess you could just shove food through your freaking, you know, through your freaking flap curtain lips. But he was just shoving fries through his lips. Like it was like, kind of like at the, um, whenever you get your luggage at an airport, if you miss the luggage and it just goes back through those black curtains, you know, through the black plastic flaps. It was like that with him.

He was just shoving these fries just through his flaps, through his face flaps. And I was baffling to me. I'm like, maybe he'd been beaten so bad he just can't open his mouth anymore. Well, anyway, they had this little lady, this young girl, actually kind of a middle-aged child, basically, maybe 17 or 20, who worked down at the Cinnabon. You know, the Cinnabon, that's just a little fat center in the airport where they got them good smells. So you go over there, and they got 19 different sizes of a cinnamon roll, bro. Just, I mean, two bites, and you feel like you got to take a nap because your sugar's all up. But this girl runs up.

Evander is sitting there just shoving fries through his face flaps. And this girl runs up and she's just standing there right in front of him. And she goes, ooh. And he looks over and she goes i used to watch you wrassle and dude i about lost my mind i used to watch you wrassle wrassle to a professional boxer. Ooh. Ooh, I used to watch you wrestle. Anyway, that's my, uh, that's my wrestler story. I was a big wrestling fan.

Jimmy Superfly Snooker, he died. Um, I think he was in his 70s. What does it say here? Let me find it here. Jimmy Snooker. Um, yeah, he died man he died uh 73 years old he died he had stomach cancer um kind of broke my heart when i heard about it you know uh he was supposed to go on trial i think recently uh or was soon to go on trial for he allegedly murdered his girlfriend

not a cool move you know not a cool move dude uh he allegedly killed his girlfriend in 1983 but they dropped the they dropped the charges because he was gonna die um i guess he had terminal cancer and and that was gonna be that. And so they dropped those charges. But they found his girlfriend in a hotel room, I guess, a long time ago in Pennsylvania. And she wasn't living anymore. He said she fell down. Yeah, right, dude. You're a wrassler, bro. You know there was a body slam or a freaking leg gypsy hold or something a freaking chop

something you did but yeah man jimmy superfly snooker dead he was the one man he was the one growing up that just electrified me i loved wrestling you know i grew up poor white those were our heroes those seemed for some reason poor white people we just we love wrestling bro i don't know what it is i don't know if it's the abuse it's the steroids it's the just how easy it is to to take in you just believe it the you know for some reason everybody in my neighborhood love wrestling we just believe it, the, you know, for some reason, everybody in my neighborhood love wrestling, we just believe in those heroes, man, they could be, those were our heroes, yeah, the guy allegedly killed his girlfriend, now that I couldn't do, man, I couldn't kill, I couldn't kill my girlfriend, you know, I've had, let me see, three girlfriends, which isn't really a lot.

You know, because I'm emotionally damaged. Hard to connect sometimes. But I've had three girlfriends. Could I have killed any of them? Yeah, I could have killed. Some of them wasn't very bright. So I could have maybe, not killed them. I couldn't have killed them, no. So I'm going to say that. So I could have maybe... Not killed them.

I couldn't have killed them, no. So I'm going to say that. I couldn't have killed them. I could have gotten so angry at both of us that I could have driven us off of a cliff or something like Thelma and Louise. I could have seen something like that, possibly. If it was, know say we're

moving across country together and you know uh and you know some ignorance hits an all-time high I could have just seen me just veering us off a cliff maybe I don't know New Mexico maybe in New Mexico um but yeah I know but I couldn't I mean i don't know if i could kill anybody i love murder shows dude i mean i love murder shows buried treasure um that show disappeared where people are dismissing jesus i used to go look in the woods when i was growing up for missing people for missing bodies and stuff i guess i thought when I was young that like the woods behind your house or near your house were like the same woods everywhere, you know, that the woods were the woods.

So whenever I would watch those shows, those Unsolved Mysteries or America's Most Wanted, and like a body was missing, I would be like, oh, it might be in the woods. So I'd go look. And knowing my neighborhood, it could have been, man. You know? Anything was possible. They had the first funeral I went to.

The dude that got thrown in the ditch fire, years later, he died, right? So I'm walking down the street with my buddy Danny. And he was born with some deficiencies. He had extra salivary glands in his face so he was always kind of spraying out of his face when he would smile or feel real joyous he would you know kind of spout out at the corners of his mouth and uh and then he also had like a was born with like a wrist in his neck like his neck His neck had just an involuntary spin to it about every maybe five seconds. His neck would just flare around in a circle like that.

Just like he would look to the left and look straight up and then to the right and then back to center. Just involuntarily. Anyway, he and I were walking down the street. And the man who got thrown in the ditch fire, his son was there. And he said, you guys want to come to a service? I didn't know what a service was, man. I thought it was, you know, I don't know what I thought it was. I probably thought it was something religious. And I guess i was right in that sense because we walk into the backyard

and they had buried the man they had put him in a in a uh in a coffin in a pine or something coffin maybe it could have been teak it looked pretty something malleable malleable wood and they put him in a ground and there was some chairs set up some folding chairs some of those kind of brown folding chairs and we all sat there and they had they read some scripture and then they buried this man in the backyard and they're like does anybody want to say uh some words you know um does anybody want to say some words and i didn't know what to say you know so i just you know try to do the sign of the cross even though i didn't know it um and then danny this dude he said he stood up and said the grace that you say before dinner, you know, whatever,

bless us, oh Lord, and these, I guess, we are about to receive that bounty, through Christ our Lord, amen, and then, like, God, we thank you for this food, I'm like, I'm thinking to myself, that's definitely not the fucking prayer you say when somebody's dying, but he didn't know any better. Anyway, fucking that was it, dude. What? What the hell, man? Thinking back, that's just,

that's baffling, dude, that we're standing next to a funeral and he says grace. He said dinner grace. Whatever. That's life, dude. Or that's death. But I loved wrestling, bro.

Dude, my brother and I, we used to push the beds apart in our room and that would be like two sides of the ring and we would just wrestle, bro. And we had charts of like all the different wrestlers and we each drew names and that's the wrestler we were and whoever would win,

that wrestler would be eliminated. Man, that wrestler would be eliminated man that was fun dude that was fun those were the good old days man that's what we did we got outside you know we didn't have this before they had the wrestling video game so we had to go do it you know whatever now they got the game so these kids don't have to do it you know we had to go impersonate those adventures. You know, we couldn't just sit in front of a TV and be a pilot or be a, I mean, we had Super Mario and they had some, eventually John Madden came out. But before that, we just had to go and pretend we were these things. So that's sometimes my issue with video games is that it just takes the place of an imagination. It's like, why does, why do, why do, I don't blame a kid. They don't know any better. They don't have to imagine anything anymore if it can just be presented to them in front of them. Uh, but anyway, man, that was, that was wild. But yeah, that Kansas City game looked so cold.

Couldn't do it, dude. I couldn't even go stay. I wanted to live in New York. I wanted to stay there for a little bit longer. But I got to wait until it warms up. I can't be there in the winter like that. Just chills you. Chills your bones.

Just makes you feel like a dead body that's still just walking around. What else, man? I've been watching that show the oa have you seen this it's on netflix the oa i heard the ending is horrible but everything before the ending my god it's awesome bro it's like people that had a near death experience um and then they this scientist i don't want to tell you what happens but if you like it if you like a little bit of kidnapping and some uh it's got some light science fiction it's right on um and i don't know i heard the ending is not good but i guess i'll just enjoy you know the meantime that show's good dude to watch Shameless. I haven't seen that. What else?

I don't know. Oh, could I kill my girlfriend? I couldn't, you know, I couldn't kill my girlfriend. Could I kill someone? I don't think I could do it, man. I just don't think I have it in me. You know?

And you gotta hide the body. That's the thing too. Like I could understand how people could kill someone in a fit of rage. Something crazy happens. Their psyche breaks and they just kill somebody, you know, but then you got to hide the body, bro. Nobody gets away with, I mean, so rare with DNA. You gotta make sure their phone isn't around because the phone sends a ping out apparently. The towers, it's always like the phone was bouncing off these

towers. You gotta clean up. Or you gotta kill them real carefully, I guess. Like in a, you know, you gotta invite them over and just have this queen all over your house. Maybe say some painters are coming. So that way, you know, you got to invite them over and just have this queen all over your house. Maybe say some painters are coming. So that way, you know, you're already prepared. I couldn't do it though.

You know? Yeah, I couldn't do it. Oh, I'd hate that, dude. I'd hate to get murdered. I don't want to get murdered. I don't want to get murdered, dude. Hopefully I won't. Plane crowd.

I would hate a plain crowd. Oh, that's got to be the worst. Oh, that's got to be the worst. What's the worst way to go? Anyway, I'm getting pretty dour here. I'm getting pretty damp here in my words here at night. It's late. It's late, man.

This is what you get when it's late. I had a great show this weekend. I worked with Harlan Williams, who I'm a huge fan of uh you he was in half baked uh you may know him from and other things too um but in half baked he had that scene where like he's gonna feed the horse all those groceries and he's like what can i get for you big girl and he's talking to the horse and uh and this black lady's walking by and she thinks that uh he's talking to her and she turns around and she's like fuck you nigga uh that was baffling to me man that shit was hilarious so i got to work with harlan williams dude um and that was great he came up to me afterwards and said that he really loved my set.

Which was nice. Because, you know, when these older comedians or comedians that have been around longer, they come around and say something or any job, you know. You know, it always feels good to, I think, you know, when somebody who's better than you and has more experience than you and somebody you admire drops some good knowledge on you or drops some admiration or just pats you on the back.

So I've got to remember to try to do that. Trying to be a better person. That shit's hard, isn't it? Trying to be a better person and live and just manage your regular life at the same time. It's hard, man. It it's hard man it's not easy it's not easy we're all trying hopefully we're all trying to be better people i don't fucking know

some days i just want to just get a bunch of ice cream and just you know lay in the sheets and just try not to do masturbation i gave into some masturbation this past week. So, you know, I'm back. I'm empty. You know, you could say it like that. I mean, that's just, that's nature, bro. You know, I didn't want to do it, I guess. I don't know. I had that moment where I was like, God, do I want to, you know, I know I want to.

But I know in my brain that I don't want to. What do I do? Well, masturbation won, bro. It's a powerful drug. Your own dick, that's a powerful drug. Your own crotch, that's a powerful drug. Let me listen to this. Get me back to sanity. Yeah. You got to help with those bags of grain, huh? You broke your ribs playing in a tree? You got to help with those bags of grain, huh?

Help your friend with his grain. Be a good neighbor. We don't even know who our neighbors are anymore. I always thought that should have been a good holiday. Here's a holiday. Go next door. Find out who the fuck lives there. Dude, we would get, eliminate

so many creepers just like that. So many, so many of my friends have no idea what their neighbor does. You know? But we have no... That's another thing. I'm excited about having some borders in this country because we don't even know who the fuck is already here.

It's scary. It's scary living in a country where you don't know who's here. You know? That's crazy. It's like imagine you wake up and there's some people in your house you don't know who are you? that's America man, that's America sometimes

and I know it's like you gotta be the land of the open and the free and stuff like that but I think sometimes we gotta know who's here we need a roll call, That's what we need. We need everybody's third grade teacher to show up with a pencil in their hair and do a roll call.

Or do like a boat safety drill. You know what they do on a cruise? They get everybody out in the beginning. You got your group where you meet up. You put on your life jacket. Do that in the street. Let's find out who our neighbors are. Find out who's here. Fucking creepy MacGooverson down the street. Who is he? I don't know. Whatever, dude. It's just, it's obviously been a long weekend.

Throw some dates. I got some new dates. I'm coming to Baltimore. I'm coming to Baltimore, dude. Let me tell you the name of this club, bro. Just got it in. Here's the place, dude. It is called Magoobie's Comedy Club. That's where I'll be. It's actually in Timonium, Maryland, February 9th

through the 11th. So that's Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Magoobie's Comedy Club in Timonium. I don't know where that is. It sounds like something I should get inoculated for. Timonium, Maryland. Let's see what it is.

There's a racetrack there. There's about 9,900 people live there. They want to bring the dog in. They want to bring him in to Timonium. Yes, I'll be there. I'll be there out bring the dog in. Hurr, hurr. They want to bring him in to Timonium. Yes, I'll be there. I'll be there out in Timonium. It looks like it is near.

It's about, yeah, right outside of Baltimore. North side of Baltimore. Outside of that, I'll be at Virginia Beach, Funny Bone, coming up January 26th through 29th. And then I'll be at the Schaumburg Improv outside of Chicago, February 2nd through 4th. And the comedy works in Denver.

That's February 23rd through 26th. So I'm excited about that, man. What else happened, man, this past weekend? Just did some sets, man. Harlan Williams saying some nice things. That was cool. Just trying to be a decent man. That's what else is going on.

You know, I'm trying to stay out of the politics. It's hard not to talk politics, man. Just so many people. I just don't know how they get people to see each other's perspectives. People have different perspectives. Like, people live in different worlds. Like, out here in California, a lot of these people out here,

they live like it's just a different world. They can't even fathom the environment that I grew up in or the environment that a lot of people grew up in. You know? People that are well off, they have no idea what life is like

when they're not well-off. And there's nothing wrong with that. But the problem is that people just see the world completely differently. Like, they can't see my perspective and I can't see their perspective. So sometimes it's just baffling how people feel like we live, you know, in this same universe. You know, like people out on the West Coast are always like, you know, no more racism, no more, you know, it's like we don't need. And it's true. You don't need those types of things.

You don't need racism. It's horrible. But then you get it. But they don't understand how people who are living in environments where there is racism, they don't know what that's like. You know, it's totally different when you're living in an environment where there is a lot of racism. It's just baffling, man. And it's different. It's like we just need to swap places.

I don't know how we do it. Maybe virtual reality. You know, I heard how we do it. Maybe virtual reality. You know, I heard that there's going to be virtual reality. This is true. Let me see if I can find this article. Virtual reality where you can experience different races. Let me see. I saw this a while back.

I'm just looking it up on the Google here. Top virtual reality going by now. Race, no. The experience, it's no. Ethnicities. Ethnicities. This shit is baffling, dude. Race and virtual reality.

Virtual body swapping. Ah, shit, i don't know but yeah i heard there's a virtual reality where you're going to be able to see what it's like to be um different ethnicities you can put on like latino and walk down the street i guess in this virtual area and and you'll be you'll see what it's like and that's it i just don't know if that's going to help you. Maybe that'll help. Maybe that will help. Maybe that's what we need.

Maybe we need to show each other what it's like to have lived each other's lives. Maybe virtual reality can actually do that. But is that going to change our minds? Or is it just going to change what we see? I don't know, man. But it's crazy sometimes out here. In California, it's just like people,

it's just like people don't see that the rest of the, that America is different or they don't care. You know? Like I'm amazed at all these celebrities that just bash, you know, that bash like i mean the poor white people are like the punching bag of america right now and that's kind of hard for me because i grew up poor and white you know and i don't think poor white people are bad people i don't think anybody are bad people it's just i don't know fuck. Fuck it. Whatever. It's tough, man. It's tough out here.

It's tough sometimes. Especially having a southern accent. People think immediately I'm just some yokel. It's just, I don't even know what I'm talking about. Anyway, I'm going off. At least I'm not a Dallas fan. Woo! God, that must have hurt, huh?

But they got young players, you know? Ezekiel Elliott, that guy. Oh, getting him on my fantasy squad. Definitely next year. What else, man? Jimmy Snuka died. We went over that. Trying to see if there's anything else really exciting I was going to tell you guys about.

The weekend was pretty chill, man. I went over to some friends. You know, I went over to some friends who watched the Atlanta game. That weekend was pretty chill man i went over to some friends um you know i went over some friends who watched the atlanta game that shit was pretty dope uh you know they had some kids that were obviously big atlanta fans uh some pictures of paris jackson i just saw michael jackson's daughter dude she looks like she's attractive young lady uh i don't know how old she is you know that's why i'm not going to say anything more but she looks 18 she's an attractive young lady that's got to be crazy michael jackson was your dad can you even imagine all the ndas you had to sign growing up can you even imagine that's got to be bizarre um but that's it man that's what's going on this past

weekend i don't really have a ton so i'm not going to take up a lot of your time but i'll check in again next weekend we're going to get some video options we're going to get uh we're going to start doing some guests i'm open to any constructive criticism i don't know if this is a good idea to just get on here and share you know i always second guess myself. I've always been that kind of person that, you know, just second guesses themselves. You know, I wish I wasn't sometimes. I wish I was more confident. And sometimes I am. It's getting better.

You know. I'm almost six months sober. Or haven't drank. You know. Haven't been drinking. So that's exciting for me, man. On the 17th. So that's pretty dope, dude. So that's one cool thing and i've been enjoying that you know i know that's a buzz kill to a lot of my

fans who wanted to buy me a beer but uh you can still buy me a beer just make it a ginger beer bro you know what i'm saying let's do that dude but anyway a breakdown from this weekend oh i was thinking about some sounds that I make, dude. I was thinking about like when I get angry, this is the sound I make. Thinking about that one. That's the one I make

a lot, dude, like when I'm really upset. Fuck! Fuck! I do that one. Trying to think of one that I do like when i'm in the car i'll do that one um i'll drop some sometimes i mostly in the morning like right when i get up if i'm in a shower i'm usually like kind of pissed off i'll just belt out a series of just every racial slur that they ever made. I'll belt it out just to get them all out of my system.

You know? I do that in the morning. I'm going to think about that. I'm going to think about some sounds that I make. I'm going to try to pay attention to some sounds that I make in the next week. And I'll bring them back for you guys next week. But that's it, man. That's what's been going on. If you have anything you want me to discuss

on here or talk about, we got Adam Carolla coming up on Allegedly on the Allegedly podcast that I do with Matthew Cole Weiss. You can check that out. That's going to be released tomorrow. That's Allegedly and it's on iTunes. We got Adam Carolla. Margaret Cho is just our guest.

That was a great episode. She talked about how when she was hanging out with John Travolta one time, and he ate an entire pie by himself. Could you even imagine sitting there watching? Beautiful old blue-eyed Travolta freaking smugging down a pie like a van to Holyfield. I used to watch you wrestle. I used to watch you wrestle. Oh, that was good, man. The old days, huh?

I miss them. I miss them. I always long for the old days, man. What else? I'll try to give you a personal update. What's going on, man? Copped a little bit of oral. Copped a little bit of oral recently,

so that was good. You know? You know, I don't know if... I got to read up on oral. Oral sex and see what the history of that is. I'll try to do that for next week. Oral sex and maybe some different sounds that I make. Not during oral sex, but just during life.

Different life sounds. I'm making a chart for next week. Oral sex. But yeah, copped a little bit of oral. It's always good to keep your vibe going you know get out there and you know um experience somebody else's face or mouth with part of your body um i think that's good for men and women a lot of these women are just you know offering oral these days too you know you know they're just like it was probably two months ago this This girl's like, you want to come around this building and just, you know, chew on my frickin' little birth wallet.

And I'm like, whoa, lady. You know, that's pretty bizarre. It's quite an offer. You know, just traipse around the corner of a building and frickin' snack on the end of somebody's birth wallet. I'm out. I'm out i'm out lady all right i think that maybe wraps it up dude um i had some fans that sent in some music some uh opening music maybe i'll try to use that next week uh some cool tune uh that they made uh but that's it man you know i'm just trying to stay positive. This week was a little tough.

I got down in the doldrums. It's kind of hard when that happens, bro. I stay on my meds. I keep my meds tight. I stay focused. I get out of myself. Spend time with friends. I call friends constantly.

See how they're doing. This week, I'm excited. This week, we've got a couple of cool guests for the podcast. We've got Aaron Carter coming in. That'll be interesting to see what his life's been like. He's like a young musician, dude. And that's it, man. I'm excited for the games next week.

Atlanta and Green Bay. I'm going to go with Green Bay. I think it's going to be a Green Bay, New England Super Bowl. And that'll be a rematch. I think they played years ago in New Orleans. I'm not sure. But at least I'm not a Dallas fan tonight. Sorry about that, Dallas fans.

KC fans, I love you guys. You're out in the cold. And Dallas fans, you're going to have a great team for a while. So everything will be okay. At least nobody's a Saints fan. We've got to get rid of Sean Payton, dude. Anybody thinks that that guy, he thinks he's Bill Belichick, but he's not.

He's not. He's had five defensive coordinators. Oh, they're all the problem? Huh, Sean? With your booty hole mouth. He's got a mouth like a booty hole, like a sphincter. Look at his mouth next time.. Like a sphincter. Look at his mouth next time. Just like a sphincter.

Imagine somebody took. I bet his booty hole looks like a regular mouth. I bet. I bet that. And on that note man. This is this past weekend. Let me know any constructive criticisms man. I really I love it.

If you love the podcast. Comment on it. On really, I love it. If you love the podcast, comment on it on iTunes, say something nice, um, and be good to yourselves, man. You know, if you're being hard on yourself, if you're trying too hard, take a break, you know, let some light into your life, you know, ask God for help, you know, ask your friends for help or help a friend. Quit thinking thinking about yourself if you can it'll make everything easier man it always does uh i'm not trying to preach at you i'm just trying to be here with you but uh love you guys i'm trying to love myself we'll see how it goes uh and this is uh monday january 16th. And this is this past weekend.

Thank you. Take us home, Charles Ingalls. Oh, Laura. Remember little Laura? God. She would have made a good sister. Mary. Mary went blind.

Twice. God, what are the odds? You go blind. She got kicked by a horse once and then another time. I think it just like severe sunlight or a flu got her. She got blind again. Jesus Christ. Oh, the kids were blind.

And the mother. She never changed clothes over nine seasons of television now that's a lady huh the dress she wore that dress and that apron and sometimes the hair bonnet but sometimes at night she would take her hair down but still have on her day clothes for night clothes

ah that was teamwork ah and the grain help your neighbor with his grains for the love of Christ. You guys be good, man. I'll see you next week. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.

The answer may shock you. Sometimes I'll interview my friends. Sometimes I won't. And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head. You have three new voice messages. A lot of people are talking about Kite Club. I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else. So great. Hi, it's me. Here's the deal. Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker. Do you know what I mean?

I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry. Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken. I think Tom Hanks just butt dialed me. Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club. Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club. Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah? And yes, don't worry, my Brad Pitt impression will get better.