This Past Weekend - #580 - David Spade

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Starting point is 00:01:35 Thank you so much for the support. Today's guest is a legendary comedian and actor. He's a friend of mine, probably my closest friend in Hollywood. I'll say that, out of that area, you know. I just feel blessed to know him. He's got a new special, Dan the Lion, streaming now on Prime Video. You know his classic movies, Tommy Boy, Black Sheep, Joe Dirt. This guy's got a big heart. I'll tell you that.

Starting point is 00:02:12 And one of the biggest senses of humor that exists. I'm gonna stop. All right, we ready? We ready? Waiting, waiting. This is a fucking waiting game. Waiting for Gal Gadot. Have you seen that movie, that play? Waiting for Gal Gadot. Yeah, waiting. Waiting for Gal Gadot. Have you seen that movie, that play?

Starting point is 00:02:45 Waiting for Gal Gadot. Yeah, Waiting for, I like Gal Gadot. Waiting for Gal Gadot. It's like a new, it's a female take on. No, it's not. You haven't seen that? Waiting on Gal Gadot. Oh, I would wait on her.

Starting point is 00:02:59 No, it's a- It's a- Waiting on Gadot, that one? It's a book that her assistant wrote. There's one called waiting on. Is that true? That's a good one. I have, if it is, you know, it's a good one.

Starting point is 00:03:11 Waiting on, sorry, waiting on who? Rachel Zeigler. Oh, that's what the head of Disney wrote. Well, what happened? They didn't well what happened? They didn't put, what happened with that whole thing? They didn't put little people in it, right? First? Is that what happened?

Starting point is 00:03:32 Oh, in Snow White? Yeah. Snow White, I think the problem was, there was a, I don't think there's any problem with casting her. Gal Gadot is gorgeous. She's a good wicked queen. I think they started with the dwarfs and, uh, they, uh, and they made them. I don't know what happened.

Starting point is 00:03:50 Dwarfs should, I think the idea was they should work. Like if. Right. Little people should have the ability. There's, there's seven jobs out of the 10 a year. So let's give them these 10, these seven. And then, uh, I don't, I would leave it up to them. Do you guys want to work? You know, I sound like it's so horrible. You guys, I mean, listen,

Starting point is 00:04:10 there's a lot that work. People say Peter Dinklage, but they can't name 10 more that are, that work a lot. So hell, leave it up to them. Well, yeah, well, I think they also, I think it got pretty DEI here too, which is fine, but it's like, if they were white, like. Is the first one, is that, that's not, um, these are the original. Dave Grohl. Yeah. Is it his first guy?

Starting point is 00:04:35 Yeah. I mean, I think his wife left him. He hasn't been doing well. He's standing all, yeah. Wife kicked him out. It's rude. And first of all, that's Friar Tuck, who they obviously just repurposed from Robinhood. So that's not cool.

Starting point is 00:04:48 Oh, right. And so they just, this is their new version. It's the exact... And who is that? That's like 49ers quarterback that throws a par. Is that guy, what's his name? That, JJ Walker is close to the back. Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 00:05:00 Yeah. David, can you pull your mic up closer? Closer than this? Yes, please. Jesus Christ. That's what guys say when they put their wiener in my face. Can pull your mic up closer? Closer than this? Yes, please. Yes, please. Jesus Christ. That's what guys say when they put their wiener in my face. Yeah, I know.

Starting point is 00:05:09 Can it go a little closer? I go, why? What are we doing? This isn't a blowjob. They go, no, no, no, no. Just try to touch the back of your throat with it. I go, but that sounds like it's heading towards a beach. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:05:18 Oh, is he talking about Kaepernick? Yeah, there's your boy right there. And who's the last guy at the end of the line? That is... That guy? No. That's Grohl. Yeah, that's your boy right there. And who's the last guy at the end of the line? That is, um... That guy? No. That's Grohl. Yeah, that's Grohl.

Starting point is 00:05:28 There's a guy in the back. Yeah, the guy in the back. That's a woman. No, that isn't. It could be. That guy's just a homeless dude that walked on his set. Yeah, they were just like, temporary lady.

Starting point is 00:05:39 They really got effed on Snow White, though. That is, it did not work in any way, shape or form. It's like, well, I guess people didn't like it. Then Minecraft came along and beat the fucking shit out of it. Also, Snow White, it should be about the fentanyl problem, huh? I think China White was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what it should be. I was around for China White when I was a kid.

Starting point is 00:06:01 Like, that was the, I was so lucky because you used to do a little sniffy-jiffy I heard and it is fun. There are negatives, but we always start with the positives, especially about that. If I could afford more when I was parking cars and being a busboy, I would have definitely gone crazy. I could not, thank God. I could do a quarter gram in a weekend and then I just, I could only afford 25 bucks. That was it. And yeah, even that wasn't money well spent, but don't get all excited. You're getting a boner.

Starting point is 00:06:31 It is exciting. I mean, talking about it, doing it, it was fun. It was hard to just quit it, but it's just, I just watch and you go no way to have a career. There's no way to have anything good with all this pressure and shit you got to do. And people like to rat you out and people like to say, this guy, you know, he's a little, he's a little power flower now and then.

Starting point is 00:06:52 So if they start getting that word out there, I luckily never got that word. I didn't do any of the whole SNL. And that's the funniest part is that I did dabble a little bit before that, just cause I was in showbiz. And you're from Arizona, you're from Scottsdale. Yeah. Snottsdale, yeah. Well, it doesn't mean, it wasn't really

Starting point is 00:07:10 the cocaine capital of the world, but, you know, I was in the comedy biz and a couple guys had it and I was like, if I can, I would partake, just for fun. Yeah. Obviously. And then. Oh yeah, brother.

Starting point is 00:07:22 But one time I did a lot and I was like, I feel like I should go to the hospital. You know? I'm saying. And you'll walk over there, that's the craziest is. No, I fucking sprinted. No, because the funny thing is you just turn into JonBenet, one bump and I'm like, I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy

Starting point is 00:07:39 and I'm feeling great. And then I made my friend drive me and I got there and he's like, and it was freezing and I was shaking and tight. And then he goes, you got to go in there. And he goes, but they're going to ask. Because I didn't stand up for about a year. Right. And they go, they're going to ask and they're going to have to call the police. I go, no, no, no. Extra scared. And he cranks the heater on in the car and I'm starting to fucking sweat.

Starting point is 00:08:04 But this is a good friend, cause he was there with me for three hours. He goes, I'll let you, you should go in there in a second, but just tell me more. And I was like, I was calming down. This was the trick. I didn't know this. And my heart was going from like 3000 over 2000

Starting point is 00:08:16 until I started to get back to normal and then it got light out. And then I go, let's go home. Oh, so gross. And then I go, let's go home. So gross. And then I go, I'll never do it again. Four days later, Hey dude, I'm fucking jinkin. What a great guy.

Starting point is 00:08:38 I'm, there's me and they make me Javanay. Javanay, brother. Dude, it's funny. Beautiful. In those days, first of all, cause it reminded me of my old car because this place is out in the middle of nowhere next to some junkyard where we're shooting.

Starting point is 00:08:56 This is a nice area. I mean, it's a nice area if you have no money. So I used to go to this junkyard and go to pick a part, you know what that is? Where you have, they have all the cars out there. You can go looking for what you need. And you get a part for your own car. No one thinks this ultra pussy did that.

Starting point is 00:09:09 I'd go out there when they got him a socket wrench looking for a Subaru brat handle and... You know, they go, go out there. And that's how all that Joe Dirt stuff started. Because I'm like, I did that, get an alternator, put it in my Volvo, put it in wrong, uh, and just live that gross and it's 110 degrees out there and you're burning your hands.

Starting point is 00:09:31 I remember my old Volvo was a 62 and I, I, um, it looked like a planter. I should have shaved the top off, filled it with dirt and I would take, if I ever had a date, which was rare, it was leaking a quart of oil a day. So for those of you at home that don't know, that's a lot, and I had to buy a quart,

Starting point is 00:09:51 I mean like a box of Pennzoil, and then every day at some point I had to put a quart in. And if you ever had a date, it was so embarrassing because at some point I had to have them put a quart in. And I had to explain how to do it and I had to sit in the front seat and go, no, you got to poke the hole and then you got to poke one of the other side. Well, that was like the original Viagra, I think, was like, you'd have to pull your carver and put a quart of oil in it, you know? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:10:18 But the rev of the engine would keep everybody possible. I'm sorry, yeah, maybe. It would keep you sexually possible, you know? But then now it's like, dude, just you have people literally drinking oil and blue chews or whatever. It's like, it's all on the responsibility. I think there's a, there's a new problem where it's like, I don't want this guy screaming at me and the microphone's too far away from my mug. So there's a new

Starting point is 00:10:42 problem with, with a lot of people on medication. And when I grew up, I don't think anyone was. Now, did we have autism? Did we have ADD? But it just, people thought you're weird. That's all, you know. So, or just different. And then now people are on up-burst down or so. There's that, and some boners go away. That's what I'm hearing.

Starting point is 00:11:02 So that's why Bluedch chew and boner pills are everywhere and they're for younger people, not just people. Oh, you'll see you can't even get a kid's diaper off because he's all winged up. He's rotted up? Yeah. Rock hard. Winged up, is that one?

Starting point is 00:11:20 I mean, I don't know what these. Fucking sundial in there. I like, no picture't know what these... Fucking sundial in there. Brrrrr. I like... No picture. No picture for that. Yeah, sometimes like, you'll go to the dad, you'll be like that. Yeah, good job, dude.

Starting point is 00:11:32 But nothing crazy. And they're not big. It's nothing you can keep a spare key on or anything. You know? You can hang your coat. No, no, I know. Baby boners are really... I feel like when I go to the gas station

Starting point is 00:11:45 and they always have like those sort of fake ones right there. Oh yeah, like rhinoceros. Yeah. Two billion, huh? Impulse by and I go, I don't know. I'm getting my stuff. Here's my pretzels. And they're like, hey, a rod for the road.

Starting point is 00:12:00 I'm like, why not? I mean, I'm going to Irvine. It's a long drive. Who wants a boner to drive around? Anyway, I don't know if that's what they're for. Yeah, I don't get them. I don't get a lot of like manmade boners or whatever they're called anymore. I get mine. Yeah, there's some powers in vicious pussy serpent. Extreme rod. Yeah. Actually, this is kind of merged with like, um, the fireworks circuit.

Starting point is 00:12:25 I think these things and fireworks are so close to being just compatible. Yeah. Dude, I heard a story that you, that we had, we just had a bus driver when we were doing touring for standup and he, either he or his brother had driven you and one time you stopped at a fireworks stand and went in and did your Joe Dirt bit. Is that true? Well, I think we had the same driver, cause I think he texted me and said,

Starting point is 00:12:53 I got Theo now. Um, but I was, I don't do a lot of bus tours and we were, I think in Kentucky, it was perfecto for Joe Dirt. And so, so many people were saying, were knowing me from Joe Dirt that I said, uh, fuck, there are fireworks stands here. Like there were in Arizona when I grew up. And so I said, let's, let's find one and pull over. I just want to go in and see what they have, you know, see the new stuff.

Starting point is 00:13:19 You got the good stuff? I did ask them if they got the good stuff. And then, uh, so the funny part was we went in and it was sort of an older woman and two young guys and they knew me right away, but I did ask them if they got the good stuff. And then, so the funny part was we went in and it was sort of an older woman and two young guys. And they knew me right away. But I did have a hat on in shades, but they knew it right away. And then they took me around and showed me all their ones. The godfather. This one, you know, it's basically just, basically you get to a point where what North Korea has. It's really, it gets very extreme. We, when I grew up, black cats, the basics, M eighties, uh, Roman candles were a hit, um, and then whistling, uh, pussy chasers.

Starting point is 00:13:56 That's what we called them in the movie. Then we had to switch it to kitty chase. Oh, really? Is that true? Oh yeah. Whistle and bungle. Yeah. And now, uh, spleens flitters.

Starting point is 00:14:04 Yeah. Well, me and Fred Wolf just made these up. Some, some sound real. And whisker biscuits, those honky lighters are for sure. Yeah. Cherry bombs was real. Uh, kicking wing, whistling bungles is fake. But we had quarter sticks, M80s. We'd go to Mexico and get a quarter sticks and half sticks of dynamite.

Starting point is 00:14:24 Really? No supervision at all. Yeah. Yeah. That's when they have real dynamite, that's not fireworks anymore. No, it gets in a different area. Yeah. Like you should join a labor union.

Starting point is 00:14:34 I feel like. They're like, oh, they open your trunk. They go, I go, I've got fireworks. They're like, this isn't AR-15. And I go, I know, fire comes out the front. It's, it's, it's very murky. What you can describe as fireworks these days. Yeah, we had, I'm trying to think the craziest were fire don't works.

Starting point is 00:14:50 Like the ones where you'd light them and it would just come out the other side or you would light them and then your stepdad would call your mom a whore and just drive off. You're like, how is this even connected? Oh, yeah. Yeah. It was like, like, oh, is this a... Fireworks at Coachella misfires and hits area area near crowd of people and sets tree on fire Oh, I think this was part of MG K's outfit Dude how bad did you fucking miss you're just aiming for the air oh They should make the fireworks you when you light them and then they only hit a pedophile when they take off

Starting point is 00:15:25 Yeah, no Pedophile chasers. Yeah, and it's light them up in DC This looks like the inside of the Minecraft movie when they bring the chicken jockey out Have you seen that people light fireworks in there now? There's a part of the movie That something happens and when you used to throw popcorn at the screen and now they've gone now they get in fights and they light Off firecrackers and it goes bananas So they have to stop the movie now. Is it like, kind of like Rocky Horror Pictures?

Starting point is 00:15:49 A little bit, worse because they were contained and they, okay, something's gonna wrong, go wrong. Is this Terry? This is like a- Is this back it up, Terry? Let's see it. Are we allowed to show this? Yeah, hold on.

Starting point is 00:16:01 It's the darker side of fireworks here. Yeah, yeah. Hey, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. I don't know if this is the guy that should be lighting him and running. He should sort of be kicking back about 100 feet away. Yeah, yeah, this is crazy, dude. These guys do not look like professionals for sure. They don't even know where to light it.

Starting point is 00:16:22 This is guys, Make-A-W wish foundation want to light fireworks No one helps him What are you doing Terry help fucking Terry he's blind blinded. He can't see the guy control panel It's so funny I cannot Santa watch people on that just film things and never get involved they laugh their fucking ass off No matter what you see the guy who fell in the water the other day. No Bring up that guy who they paid they they owed him like three or four hundred dollars to get into the water of like a flash flood basically. No, I'm sure he's dead. It was a beautiful young man. I don't know how he's doing.

Starting point is 00:17:15 See if you can find that. Yeah, while we're doing that. The craziest was like, the saddest was we had a guy by us, a dad, and he was like just like barely a dad. He was like kind of like a whimsical kind of dad. Like wished he'd never probably been married to a, and I'm gonna say this fast so I don't sound like sexist or anything, woman, you know?

Starting point is 00:17:37 And he would only get his kids smoke bombs. So they would light like a million smoke bombs. I like smoke bombs. But they're cool, but they would have nothing, and they would do so many, it would look like that Indian holiday or whatever. You know the one where like, suddenly you see this bunch of Indian people

Starting point is 00:17:50 crossing the street who look like they got attacked by like an Easter, like a Easter chalkboard or something, you know? Like you don't talk about them. Like they clap the, Yeah, like somebody just emptied. Or LeBron at the Laker game, he goes like that, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:18:04 Yeah, like it was Easter Sunday and LeBron was just firing off right in front of him. See, smoke bombs aren't as fun as they sound. You need more shit going on. Is this it? Oh yeah, there's firecrafts in the Minecraft, see? In the movie theater? Look at my fucking story checks out. Wow. Oh my God. And who did this Israel yeah this is a this is Gaza

Starting point is 00:18:27 crazy like we say guys we laugh so fucking uncool it's so it's a comedy show sometimes you got a you know what a police officer told me one time he said that they'll have those show up in a place with a bunch of murders and you'll see police officer stand outside laughing because it's a thing that happens to people when stuff's painful. Yeah, it's so serious. He says they do it. Well, that's what comedians do.

Starting point is 00:18:51 It's too heavy duty. Dude, well the reason we brought you here is because you have a comedy special coming out, man. Oh yeah, that's right. First of all, thank you for coming, dude. No, of course. You look great, dude. I love seeing you.

Starting point is 00:19:02 Thank you, dude. You've been drinking tomato juice or something? Mm-hmm. Remember when V8 was the only healthy thing? I don't think there's one tomato in V8. I don't know what's in it. They were like, this is a fucking shit when you were growing up. Oh dude, yeah.

Starting point is 00:19:15 And rich guys would pour it in their engine or whatever as well. And some people would pour it in their butt. Yeah, yes. I'm like, really rich guys would pour it in their butt. I had V8. It was never, I never liked it. It was tomato juice and I think vegetable juice. But it was, like who drank it?

Starting point is 00:19:32 I think like a mom would drink it if they were healthy or they were trying to make a baby or whatever. It didn't get around my squad, but I knew that I heard about it and I was grossed out by it. You know what's funny is I was just in Las Vegas. Oh, you know, we went to a fight. I was goinged out by it. Uh, you know, what's funny is I was just in Las Vegas. Oh, you know, we went to a fight. I was going to tell you this. We went to a UFC fight, right?

Starting point is 00:19:50 Theo and I went to a fight, you know, about a year or so ago. And you know what I called you to go to this fight? I thought it was in Vegas and it was in Florida. Oh, and I, and then you had a gig that night anyway, but I was. Great card. You, me, and also your... Jodie. Jodie.

Starting point is 00:20:07 And also... the comedian. Famous comedian. Oh, Dennis. And Dennis Miller, we all know him. So, do you remember this story? Did I already tell you this? You know it obviously.

Starting point is 00:20:19 So, this time I just did a corporate yesterday at Vegas. So, I'm staying at the area. Aria short for named after Ariana Grande. I don't know. And, um, so I'm over there and it's connected to the hotel we were at. And the day we went to the show, the, uh, you

Starting point is 00:20:35 like to go early to the fights as you know, because you go help set up the chairs and armor all the ropes and, uh, you go in cause the fights started like fucking one. I'm like, we just landed and you're like, you want to go there? You want to go to the hotel first? I'm like, well, I think it's at seven.

Starting point is 00:20:51 And you're like, and you were being so nice going, oh, you want to go, you want to wait till seven? And I'm like, yeah, because that's the good ones start, they're on TV and it's still three hours. And for Spade to sit for three hours is fucking rough with these brittle fucking bones.

Starting point is 00:21:06 So you're like, cool, cool. We'll go at seven. And I didn't know that you wanted to go really bad earlier. So we're eating and I'm like, this spaghetti is good. You're like, let's fucking go. So I have a car taking us. It's a, it's like a black suburban, right? Yeah. So.

Starting point is 00:21:18 AC in it. We go out front. He's not there. And it's so weird because they always get there early. And you're like, well, we got to go. It's quarter to seven and we got to be there at seven. And we're next to the arena and I'm like, fuck, where's this guy? And then he hits me up and goes, hey, dude, you go, let's get an Uber.

Starting point is 00:21:33 And I go, well, give him a second. And then I go, he goes, oh, I spaced. I'm sending another car. It'll be there in a second. I go, we're in a hurry. He goes, it's very close. So this is not good. And I see you're janking. First I've seen you kind of get mad. Yeah. Because I was getting mad too, because I'm like, fuck, what is, where's this guy? And plus we're stressed. So the suburban pulls up, we jump in and the guy goes, okay, what are we going to? And he goes, you deal?

Starting point is 00:21:55 And you're like, yeah. And I'm like, hmm. And then I go, this is my driver. And then I looked down and we start. It was international fight week. Yeah, it was. This is good. This is how he sounds.

Starting point is 00:22:03 This actually sounds like him. It's not nothing then I looked down and we start international fight week. Yeah, it was. This is good. This is how we sound. This is actually sounds like him. It's not nothing bad. So then the driver texts me and goes, Hey, did you just pull out? I just saw you.

Starting point is 00:22:14 And I go, wait, is this not the car? And I go, Theo, what is this? And you go, I called an Uber dude, it's taking too long. I go, okay. So we go and now I go. And the funny part was I go, hey dude, alright, if you're going to this T-Mobile, we gotta go in the loading dock. That's where we have to get our tickets and enter.

Starting point is 00:22:31 And he goes, oh no, that's only for VIP special. And I go, right, just go there. You want VIP special? Yeah, and we go no. And he goes, oh, you have to be special. And I go, oh, we're special. And he goes, no, no, that's for special people. And I'm like, I get it.

Starting point is 00:22:47 And then Theo goes, no, he's special. He does movies and stuff. And he looks back and he goes, no, he no special. Why do you know I'm no special, you fuck? So he wouldn't take us. So then you just go, let's just get out. So we just got out in the street and we saw a door and then they go, oh, you. Wrong door.

Starting point is 00:23:11 Yeah. You got to go to the loading. This is for animals and like lighting. For all of Noah's Ark's animals. And so they go, so we're trying to get ahold of everyone. And they go, you're not at the special door. I know this fucking guy wouldn't believe it. So we had to find a way to get either all the way to the other side or cut through

Starting point is 00:23:28 They finally sent someone to get us. Yeah, but it was quite humiliating the guy didn't believe for a second We were special not at all. I even showed him a video of yours from one of your movies Laughed that's funny and he's like, oh kind of look like him, but not him UFC 315 will be on the TV. The snacks and the beverages will be ready to go. The best way to make that one-two combo even better is by trying to win some real cash with Pick Six from DraftKings,

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Starting point is 00:28:24 You know what's funny is I I Wish we could show that little clip that you have of the movie. We could if we want I don't think we can because Can we air it because of the other music or not? I don't know. Oh, it's a good point Oh, you know, I don't know ask those fucking clowns in there Did they take off we could show it on silent if we want. It's good with the song. Anyway, that's all. Because you show that clip in your show. Yeah, we showed it during the half time or like towards the like end of the show. Yeah, my friend was in Tallahassee. They hit me up. They go, Oh my God, this fucking clip just played. It's great. Yeah. Did they really? They're

Starting point is 00:28:57 excited. That's awesome. They're at your show. Oh, that's cool. It's been well received by people, you know, just people getting to see the, getting to... It's a good little window into it. See the trailer for Busboys. Yeah, I'm trying to think, what do you think is the toughest part now having like kind of put a movie together from the beginning? What do you think is kind of one of the toughest parts? Fuck, I mean, it's all... It's tough all the way along the way because we're just doing it alone.

Starting point is 00:29:23 Usually we work for Boss, Paramount, Sony, Netflix, you know, they tell us what to do and we kind of just, we're on our own, but we also know there's someone else calling some shots, the bigger shots, budgetary things, this and that, casting, we have to agree on. So I rarely, I've never gone into it like this where it's just me and you. And that's good. There's some tough part about it, but it's overall the best because we put it up we're going in it's such a complicated process so it's almost too much because usually there's someone that cover this and you can kind of oversee it but to get into everything

Starting point is 00:29:57 about pre-production and budget and casting and locations and all the union stuff we got to know that That's where it gets hard. And now we've gotten to the hard part. We got it. We shot it through the fires, through all the stuff. Very tough. Very tough to get through a movie. And then...

Starting point is 00:30:15 There were so many things that were tough. I always say after a movie, I'm not doing this again. It's too hard and everyone thinks I'm, you know, huge pussy. But it's more, it's mentally tough. It's hard. You got to memorize stuff. You're driving all day. you're getting out there dark, and it's such a luxury to do a movie that you can't complain to anyone,

Starting point is 00:30:32 I can complain to you, but we're in it together, so we get it, but, and you can tell other people in movies, but regular people go, eh, you know, they actually bust their ass. Right. So we're like pretending to be people that work hard. That's us in a movie. So we're bus boys. So anyway.

Starting point is 00:30:52 Yeah, they give you just long enough to polish the gun that you have in your trailer. And then before you can use it on yourself. Yeah. Like, hey, we need you back on set. Yeah, it's always like, where are they? I'm walking with number two, or here's number one. I'd go for a walk. They just follow me. Yeah. They walk out of your set. You know, you walk around the trailer and you always like, where are they? I'm walking with number two, or here's number one. I'd go for a walk, they'd just follow me.

Starting point is 00:31:06 They walk out of your set, you walk around the trailer and you're like, and you're always mic'd, and you're always, it's all, you know, and it's fucking freezing. I thought it'd be too hot, it's freezing. So anyway, we finish it and now it's rough-cutted, and now the hard part is just getting it to a point where we think it's good and you're not wasting jokes.

Starting point is 00:31:27 Like a lot of things we did had like, Theo is very good on the set of, we're actually good together because I think you're great and if we have a scene and we do it, then we just start goofing around a couple before we leave, get a few extra jokes. So which one of those do we use? It's very hard to do.

Starting point is 00:31:43 This is funny for one reason, this is funny for another. And the rest of your life, people will remember one joke and they'll never see the other three. And you go, fuck, did we pick the right one for that? That for someone who's indecisive like me, and you are kind of too, that it's hard to do. And then you just gotta pick one, lock it down, and then we'll probably, I think our next step will show it to like 20, 30 people.

Starting point is 00:32:04 Because you really get a feel for where there's a dead spot, where there's something that works. Yeah, you gotta have honest friends look at it. Yeah, and I have friends, and friends are always gonna start by saying they like it, but I haven't had fucking one person look at it yet. Same. I'm too scared.

Starting point is 00:32:21 The director of all these movies, Pete Segal, who's a great guy, he came by the set one day and he did anger management and The Longest Yard and 50 First Dates and Tommy Boy and all these movies. So he, I said, I might have you take a look at it because I just want you as an observer, objectively, where are we with this? And that's the only guy, but I do want at some point

Starting point is 00:32:44 when you get your fixes in and we get, we get something we kind of like, and then we show it. Yeah. And then that'll tell us a lot. We'll be like, oh my God, this is way funnier than we thought. They're laughing at this stuff instead of that

Starting point is 00:32:56 laugh. Well, I didn't see that coming, like a cutaway. And then they go, oh, this feels flat. And some people might be confused. At the end we go, what,, where did you understand what this is? People are like, were you guys playing fucking Busboys? We're like, oh boy, we're way off, okay. And he didn't get that part.

Starting point is 00:33:13 Because you know, people don't know, they just watch it. Oh yeah, I mean that's the scariest part, I feel like it's trying to just like, see before you show it somebody is like, is what I think makes sense here, makes sense to other people. Right, because we know it, we're too close is what I think makes sense here, makes sense to other people. Right, because we know it, we're too close to it. Yeah, I think it gets weird.

Starting point is 00:33:28 Even jokes where people go, I see one clip, and they go, oh, that's great, I go, oh, it is? Because I've seen it 10 times, I don't know what's funny anymore. Yeah. You know, so it does take objectively, but it's so fucking stressful. What do you feel like was one of the

Starting point is 00:33:44 funnest days that we had? That's so fucking stressful. Um, what do you feel like was one of the funnest days that we had? Uh, that's a good question. It's funny cause every day has an underlying stress level of knowing your lines, getting things done, losing the light. We got to get this. Is it right? Uh, do we know what we're doing?

Starting point is 00:33:59 Is it set up blocking all that shit? But I'm good at giving long answers that are boring. I thought it was fun when we were in the lair with the drugs. That was kind of fun because there's a lot of people. When there's a lot of people, it's fun. Yeah, when there's a lot of people, it's fun. We kept having to go up and down that ladder, like Ninja Turtle, remember that?

Starting point is 00:34:20 That was in like a condemned building that... I go, I guarantee you they should shut this down. Yeah, they had asbestos, there was like asbestos like art on the walls and everything. We had to write asbestos into the script because there was so much, it was like co-starring. And yeah, there was, we were underneath like a Sears building in downtown and-

Starting point is 00:34:40 Remember the alarm went off or the- Oh yeah. The old heater went off in there and it just like's I think it was an old nuclear reactor or something or or it was a amber alert. It made McMuffins. I know Yeah, we would go I go it's lunch They cleared us all out from the set. We should even tell them this but anyway, I like that We were on the desert a lot. It was kind of fun being out And then we were in there doing busboy shit with Tim Dillon I thought was funny. Oh yeah, he's fun. Yeah, that was

Starting point is 00:35:08 great. Just getting to see him. He has a new special that just came out too. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. No, he's great. You just have a comedy special. Oh yeah, my, I'm sorry. Coming up. Can you guys hear him okay? Sorry. Yeah, it's great. Okay. David, can you put the mic behind you now? What? Would that help? You have a comedy special coming out. I do. I did a comedy special for Amazon, and we did it in Denver, and it's interesting, you know, putting together a comedy special.

Starting point is 00:35:36 You're on the road, and sometimes you want new stuff in there that's a little undercooked because it's new and different, and you just started doing it, and then sometimes you want to uh and then you want them and then most of stuff is polished and buffed so you gotta i i did it probably an hour 20 and cut it down to just under an hour dang big gun is this a clip or is that a photo a little overshot play that clip a little is there a clip let's see if there's anything clippable here. Oh, this is fucking funny, I feel it already. I was eight years old. I almost got kidnapped.

Starting point is 00:36:12 I'll make it funny, I came out weird. Blonde hair looked like exactly McAuley Culkin. And I was kinda tan, I was like shorts. I mean, it was almost entrapment. I'm a bit of a dandelion. I don't know if you can tell I look tough on TV, but these quads are deceiving Yeah, you some guy you Yeah, look at that and a lion dandelion is cuz I'm such a fucking puss and I couldn't think of a good name That's oh no, you're great, dude

Starting point is 00:36:43 It looks great. You look very healthy in that. It reminds me of David Duchovny a little bit. And the guy from, who? The guy from, that guy, his partner on the TV show. Who? What you talking about? Shrek? No. Go ahead. Who am I talking to? It's like, the guy's got all the kids.

Starting point is 00:37:07 Tim, Tim the tool man, Taylor. That's him. You were looking for Al Borland? Al Borland. That's who I look like in that, with that fucking shirt on. You look like Gal Borland, the dude that gets the gals, huh?

Starting point is 00:37:19 Shit, that's hysterical. That was not exactly what I was going for, and thank you for that insulting insult. Yeah. But no, he seems like a good dude. I, that's hysterical. I, that was not exactly what I was going for. And thank you for that insulting insult. But no, he seems like a good dude. I just don't, actually looks better than me. Fuck. What am I saying? What the fuck, dude?

Starting point is 00:37:33 Yeah, screw him. Showing up. What was that, Playgirl magazine? Look at him. He's naked from the waist down, his dong out. Yeah. Huh? You don't get to see that anymore.

Starting point is 00:37:42 You know, like, would they tell you what to wear? I mean, they don't tell you, but they go, what are you going to wear? And of course I'm not like a full girl going to the Oscars. So I go, I don't know. So it gets closer and they're like, show it so we can hold it up with the back. I go, I don't give a shit, dude. So I get there and I'm, I have two outfits. I have this outfits is already bad enough.

Starting point is 00:38:00 I just said outfits. So I walk into the rack like Elton John, like, hey. A Northam rack? No, just a rack of clothes. Oh yeah. From Northam, yeah. So I go in there and I go, what about this? And then I go out there that day and they're like, do you still not know?

Starting point is 00:38:14 And I go, I don't know. And then I wear the shirt and then I go, I'm going to put, so I just wore a shirt and a coat that I wasn't supposed to wear. Because you know, and they go, you need a copy of that in case. I go, you think I'm going to ruin this between shows? And they're like, yeah. So I fell for that last time. And then Nikki Glaser goes, oh, I have some dress from like 1930.

Starting point is 00:38:37 And I go, well, don't you have to have a double? She goes, fuck that. I'm not going to. And I go, yeah, what am I doing? Why am I taking fucking orders? Wasting money on extra clothes too. And all of mine are like one of a kind. Oh, you can tell that's all.

Starting point is 00:38:50 One of a kind flannel shirt that you can have in any Google search in two seconds. Uh, but it was fun to do. I'm glad it's out. Uh, it's fun. You know, some of the jokes I still do because they're longer now. That's the funny thing is you do a joke and then it's, it's a minute of your act and then now it's a five minute chunk.

Starting point is 00:39:09 I'm like, oh, but I did the beginning, but now it's so much longer. But I don't really care. I like a couple of things I've done before because they really work. And then I put in new stuff and then it's just always in rotation of I'll pull something from the old bag and then I'll have all this new shit.

Starting point is 00:39:25 So whatever. Yeah, that's kind of how I feel about it too. Is that what you do? What do you do? Yeah, it's like there's some bits I do because I know people want to hear them and there's some people's favorites and it's like, well, I want to make sure I get that in for a couple minutes, you know?

Starting point is 00:39:36 100%. If it's a big show. Cause you know, it's never like you do some bit that works and it doesn't work. Like if it bombed and people were like, boo, like you did that before. It's not like that. They still work.

Starting point is 00:39:50 Yeah, they wanna see the new stuff too. And sometimes when I go to people, if I saw you, I'd be like, I remember the first time I saw you and stuff you were doing, I'd be like, oh, I hope he does this and this and this. Because those are like my fun ones. I wanna tell someone and have them watch them.

Starting point is 00:40:05 And then sometimes I do that with comics and they don't do it and I go, oh. I go, because sometimes, you know, by the fifth special these people do, it's just too watered down. It's too hard to be that good in one year. It's too hard, you don't buff them out. You need a really hard time.

Starting point is 00:40:21 Dude, I don't think you have to, I mean, it's like, I've never done a special, I'm thinking four years now. Yeah, you don't need it if we do it this year to be four years But also been on the same tour for years, but it's like there's so many places you can go It's like I don't mind going to a town that has 30,000 people in it You know, it's like you cannot do it and probably have a family and stuff like that and a pet you own Yeah, or semi own God owns them long as they have a 30,000 seat theater then you can but it's all yeah But it's like but if we can go over there, I think I'd rather do it. Yeah, you're printing money Oh, David, that is not fighting your money and throw mine away. Oh, yeah, get out of here

Starting point is 00:40:55 You just bought a new car didn't you? You bought a car lot Yeah, dude, I got a car. Fuck yeah. You see me buzzing around. Did you just buy the original Jodharic car now? I did not. It was 330 grand. I didn't know it would be that much.

Starting point is 00:41:12 Really? Yeah. I went in an auction. Did you even look at, were you there on the, did you consider it? No, but the guy DM me and he said, Hey, do you want to buy the old Jodharic? I go, is it the fucking real one? Cause I do like cars and I don't have enough room for them, but I'm into it.

Starting point is 00:41:28 I'm like, I'm not going to drive the thing around. I'd like to have it just to have it. The director of Tommy Boy has a Tommy Boy car. And I'm like, those are fun to have. So I said, how much? And he goes, I'm deciding between three and 500 grand. I go, I'm sorry, what? The fucking shitty one at the beginning of Jodra? It didn't even have a Hemi in it. It was a fake. Pretend it was like an

Starting point is 00:41:47 old, you know, Vega. And we just put like, yeah, this thing. Joe Dirt, 69, Charger Daytona. It's fucking cool though. Is he selling it for $450? The 1969 Daytona presented here, starred in the $60 million grossing hit comedy the adventures of Joe dirt Okay. What does that say up there 450? Yeah, one of the funniest scenes depicts the other the impound live financially unstable to retrieve his mint 67 Plymouth He means he's convertible. He's buying the charger Daytona instead you bought for 450 dollars in the movie Apparently Oh 450 dollars in the movie. Oh, I didn't see the movie. Do we know the closing price on that?

Starting point is 00:42:26 Yeah, he hit me up for three to 500 grand, I go. Can you live in it? I was like, yeah. Is this an RV? How many square feet is it? Is it in a good neighborhood? No, I just said, I think I said something to the effect of get fucked.

Starting point is 00:42:42 No, I was like, hey man, I didn't know it would be like that. I don't know why. Because, you know, in the real world, you got to make a million to clear 350. So I'm like, I don't know if I'm making a million this week. So I just said no, even though I said I'd really like it, I just, a little too rich for my blood right now. Because I thought, what am I doing? I just got to park it. I can't wait to drive. It's fun to have.

Starting point is 00:43:04 I'd really honestly have it in my fucking living room. What a cool thing to have just walk in Hey, this is the car from the movie. And so I didn't think he'd get close to that. It's all for 330. God Yeah, to who probably an Asian guy. No, the guy had a jodder tattoo on his chest Oh, and he was a full fucking fan So he hit me up the guy that bought. And so now I've talked to him. And what do you guys talk about? I like these guys. We just talk about pop music. You're like, hey, go sit in and just turn it on for me.

Starting point is 00:43:30 I want to hear it. No, I just go, I miss her, man. I miss her. Just put it on the phone. He's like, mail me some semen. And you're like, oh, I don't miss her that much. No, I do that. I'll do that. I'll do that once. Do you think, would you guys ever have done a Tommy Boy 2? Do you think you and Farley ever would have done it?

Starting point is 00:43:47 I mean, Black Sheep was sort of the next summer, and it was sort of the same type of movie. We should have just kept it Pete Siegel and just done it again. He couldn't. He wasn't available. It just would have kept track of kind of how it was. But I did like Black Sheep. We had another movie that we were talking about

Starting point is 00:44:09 at the very end and would have been great. Yeah, I mean, would I have liked to have like a run and gun buddy to goof around? He would have been all over the place. He would have been working with everybody. I mean, even at that point toward the end, because you know, he's almost more famous now because everyone looks back. But when you're in, because he's almost more famous now because everyone looks back.

Starting point is 00:44:25 But when you're in it and he's just getting famous, but still all the big hosts that would come in would go right to him. So he could have worked with anybody, big directors, he could have done more drama. He would have done a lot of stuff with Adam. I mean, he loved Adam and always thought he was great. Sandler, you mean? Yeah, yeah, he was very tight with Adam. I mean, he loved Adam and always thought he was great. So, uh, Sandler, you mean?

Starting point is 00:44:45 Yeah, yeah. He was very tight with Adam and I was just lucky to be in a couple with him, but he would have been out there doing everything. I remember when he was in Coneheads, we all were in Coneheads, even Adam was in Coneheads and Lauren, it was sort of a, an assignment. You know, we all, he was just like, you're going to play this. And then, and he just had plucked everyone. There's probably 15 people messing around on it. And somehow still didn't work that well, but I loved being in it. And he was in it and he had a pretty big part and he was funny. Look at him. There he is.

Starting point is 00:45:14 Oh, he looks so handsome. Did you get to keep the cone from that? Uh, no, but you know what? It's it, that will barely fit up your butt. If you, she's really pretty by the way, that was Michelle Burke. This is after they took a photo of Farley and they take it so strong that he,

Starting point is 00:45:33 it blows his hair back or something. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, it's funny as shit. But accurate, yeah, so that was a blast. So I would say the answer is, would have loved to keep doing stuff and just have him around to hang out with. Yeah, yeah, obviously to have him be alive. But do you think that you would have been able to do a Tommy Boy 2?

Starting point is 00:45:49 Yes, in all these scenarios, he's alive. You're like, it'd be great. No, if he's alive, you have to add that caveat. If you had to do Tommy Boy 2, what would the plot even have gone into, you think? Tommy Boy 2, Electric Boogaloo. You know, I was pitched a Tommy Boy 2, which was, our kids are together and our kids are, but this is, I was pitched it two years ago and I'm like, I just can't find a scenario with no Farley.

Starting point is 00:46:18 It's not, they used the whole movie. Even if it has a good title, Tommy Boy is in the title, but it would be too much of a sellout. I can't imagine. I mean, no one could do that. Were they going to do it with C.J.R.U.s, one of his brothers to do it, you think? No, it was just like, it was our kids, and it was about them, and then I was going to come help them

Starting point is 00:46:37 on the road or something, but I go, if, listen, there's the magic in the bottle was Chris. And so, I had a good part. I had a lot of fun in it, but it was about Christopher. And so, uh, you know, yeah, if we did another one back then, it would have been a blast. Yeah. Yeah. What would it could have been about too?

Starting point is 00:46:57 Wow. It's interesting. I don't know. I don't, I never even thought that far. Break pads are so funny. There's endless jokes. I mean, that movie, that's what I always say is that if we pitched the Tommy Boy movie, just like two guys selling break pads, it's just not enough to sell a movie.

Starting point is 00:47:15 People wouldn't listen now. No, it's just not funny. Maybe menstrual pads you could have gone to. That's not a bad idea. Yeah. That we go sell them. Stop the flow. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:47:24 That's like things are getting out of hand. Maybe women's lib was getting crazy. Yeah, and then he dresses like one in a parking lot. He's like, okay, my mom is crazy. And some big woman comes and he goes, let me try it out. And then he's like, I've been having my period for 11 months straight. These are trailer moments. That actually would have been hilarious, dude. We're like, these are cut scenes from our possible movie.

Starting point is 00:47:48 Did you ever do a Farley impersonation or no? Who are you? He did this a lot, you know, just funny, get nervous, David. Then he goes like this, pulls on his hair when he's nervous. Like in the meeting with the host, he'd pull on the carpet. Grrr. And everyone's just like, even like the host is like some Michael Keaton going, is this fucking dude okay? Because they didn't really know him yet.

Starting point is 00:48:12 Yeah. And he was so nervous about shit and always funny, but he would always try to make you laugh, always try to do anything, fall down at work, do anything, oh, fall on the piano, just anything to get everyone to laugh. Cause also he was taking care of, he wasn't writing sketches. So he just was tra la la on the office. There's no stress cause he's going to be in 18 things. They're just, everyone's going to write them in.

Starting point is 00:48:36 Oh, that's a good point. And if you write them in, like that's the big trick at SNL is you got to get someone to write for you. And I would get mad, I go, you don't write for me enough. They're like, what do you do? I'm like, you're right, you just think I'm great. And then they go, wow, there's no proof. And I'm like, yeah.

Starting point is 00:48:52 So you have to kind of do a joke on the office or sort of thirsty, but do an impression or something. And someone goes, you should do something with that. And then where they go, oh, you can do that? Oh, we might put you in this because we need someone like that. But mostly I was like smart alecky, stupid shit, because that's the only thing they saw.

Starting point is 00:49:10 And I wrote that Hollywood Minute where I was making fun of everybody. And that kind of was a good hook for me. But it wasn't enough to be like super characters. That really wasn't my thing. I went with his brother to SNL, remember that? Oh, that's right, you hit me up. I think you connected us maybe. I was like, John. YeahL. Remember that? Oh, that's right. You hit me

Starting point is 00:49:25 I think you connected us. I was like, um, John. Yeah, John. Yeah, Johnny Farley and I was like- and he hadn't been back, dude, since He hadn't been back since Chris was there. Did he get you up to go there? Did I tell you guys to go or were you just in New York? He took advantage of us I think but whatever. Oh, no, I think you said to me, hey, he's gonna be there. Oh yeah, I did. So tell him hello. But he hit you up to get him in there. Can you make a call, Davey?

Starting point is 00:49:52 Yeah! Don't tell Jen. Yeah, he was in the wrong missy, we put him in that. He was in Bench warmers, he's funny and that. Was it fun there for you? You'd never been there, right? I'd never been. Yeah, what was it like?

Starting point is 00:50:07 It was interesting to just see what you, what the place you guys had all been at and what kind of like- There's photos everywhere. Yeah, just what it was like. I think I pictured it more of like an old school type of dormitory vibe, but- But our offices were up higher than before.

Starting point is 00:50:21 Maybe it was up there. We'd be there all week and then we'd just come down to the show, but you might have to host it one day. It was pretty interesting there. Would you be able to handle it? I don't know. It depends on who the musical guest is, I guess.

Starting point is 00:50:34 Is that the whole thing? Yeah. What if it's fucking Jelly Pop, your buddy or whatever. Remember he- Oh yeah, Jelly Roll? Yeah, he came over to us at Koi one time and said hi. Oh yeah. Do you remember that? Yeah, he came over to us at Koi one time and said hi. Oh yeah. Do you remember that? Yeah, I'm trying to think of it.

Starting point is 00:50:47 I said, hey, the bouncer's coming over, he wants to talk to you. He walks over and goes, oh yeah. Oh yeah, I was like, what motorcycle did this guy, Oh, did we park in front of you? He was nice, dude, he knew you from. Yeah, him and Bunny came over, I remember that. That was cool. Dude, that was awesome. That was like, I think he'd come out here Yeah, him and Bunny came over, I remember that. That was cool.

Starting point is 00:51:05 Dude, that was awesome. That was like, I think he'd come out here to do Jimmy Kimmel or something, it was like one of his first times being out here. Right, right, right. And then we saw Luke Bryan at dinner. We see all your little goat roper buddies, yeah. Dude, that was fun.

Starting point is 00:51:16 Yeah, he came over. That's when we used to have a good time, man. Yeah, what happened? Now we're just grinding on the movie, every day going, ugh. I know, now we're just like, how do we fuck you? Tra la la. Yeah, dude, that was fun, huh?

Starting point is 00:51:28 I remember that. I was excited. Luke frickin' Brian. We took a picture with him. He sat down with us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, dude, what's supposed to come up with you? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:51:37 He had two bites of somebody's potatoes on him. No, we have fun. We go to UFC and everyone knows. I remember before you even blew up, so many people knew you at UFC. I was like, holy shit, man, these people know this clown. I don't know about that. There we are right there. Look, my hair is quite puffy that day.

Starting point is 00:51:52 Look at how good. You look definitely like one of those rich people's dogs. I do. For sure. Now I see why your mom has you come home a lot. She's like, I need this little cute puff right here in my lap. Dude. Look at that. My fucking sweater pops. Don't even try to argue that.

Starting point is 00:52:13 That was a solid choice. And there's Luke. Looks like he just... Fucking Luke. He's like, ah, that does look like me. I'm a bit of a lap dog. Yeah, you look like you spent time at NYU a little bit. I'll fucking gnaw on a snossage. Grr, grr, grr. Shit, look at you, durr. Oh, you're dumb.

Starting point is 00:52:33 Just like how did I even get here? What are we eating, fucking oysters or something? Oh my God. Jeez, what a bunch of idiots. Somebody ordered that little, when they put those little, when the shrimp, they put them upstairs like they're about to commit suicide or whatever. That little, it's like a little shrimp rack or whatever.

Starting point is 00:52:49 Like the second story shrimp, they hide them all on the edge of, like you're trying to hide from them. It's like, bitch, we see you. They're all naked though. Look at those fucking shrimps. They charge you by the shrimps, you know. It gets unreal in some places. It's six bucks. That is the most expensive place because I won't say the name, but the steak sauce was seven bucks each. You get a little thing like this of A1, and it's like, deesh, deesh, deesh, 777.

Starting point is 00:53:10 And then the bread was 15. I had filet, I had filet of soul, right? I go, oh, I don't know. You had filet of what? And... Dude, don't you watch fishing shows? You had filet of... Soul.

Starting point is 00:53:23 Soul? Oh, how rich. Can we pull it up, see if it's real? You get filet of. Sole. Sole? Oh, how rich. Can we pull it up, see if it's real? You're eating human spirit in there. No, filet of. Yeah. That's rich people like. Oh, shocking.

Starting point is 00:53:33 It checks out as a fish. Yeah, that's what it looks like. Anyway, it's kind of like carp. No, I don't know what it's like. So I get this and they go, do you want the catch of the day? And I know it's a rich place. I go, don't try to rap, fuck me dudes. I'm going to take this dog shit off the menu.

Starting point is 00:53:49 It says market price, but I go, fine. I get it. It's like leather. It's kind of gross, you know, but fine. 150 bucks. I go, I have never heard about fish being 150. $150? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:54:02 And you get the head on the tail or they just give you the middle part? No, you should. That's crazy. You should come to my house and fucking clean my car. $150? Yeah. And you get the head and the tail or they just give you the middle part? No, you should. That's crazy. You should come to my house and fucking clean my car. Yeah. Dude, that's crazy.

Starting point is 00:54:11 $150? For one piece of fish? Unreal. Yeah. That would never fly in the Bible, dude. No. No. What you do is they have the fish with their mouth, I guess.

Starting point is 00:54:21 Yeah. And something like this. Oh, you're going to go to work for that $150. And the fish is like, uh. The fish is like, I got teeth Yeah. And something like this. Oh, you're gonna go to work for that 150. And the fish is like, uh. Yeah. The fish is like, I got teeth. No, you do not.

Starting point is 00:54:28 Nice try. Yeah. Somebody's getting a little bit of totus on the inside. Yeah, gobble that goo. Yeah. It's not in the Bible either. God. One of the easiest and most important decisions

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Starting point is 00:57:11 We're locked in. We're in a unique time where we're, I don't know if we're transitioning from humans to computers. I don't know what's going on. But you gotta take care of the main frame that God gave you, your brain. 26% of Americans who participated in a recent study

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Starting point is 00:57:57 We are all better with help. Visit betterhelp.com slash T-H-E-O to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Theo. When you um. Yes. Whenever you pass away. How do you remember to ask questions?

Starting point is 00:58:16 I always watch this thing and I'm like, I can't remember shit to talk to people about. Dude, first of all I'm a BLM advocate. So I get a lot of my stuff. Oh there's you on us now. Who is that? They're like, ladies and all, I'm a BLM advocate. So, I get a lot of my stuff. Oh, there's you on us now. Who is that? They're like, ladies and gentlemen, BLM! And they're like, oh, is that the musical group?

Starting point is 00:58:31 Is that you all happy? When were you that happy? Never. Fucking shit. Is that AI? Is that Tom Brady's teeth? Oh my god. How did I get that? I'll run out advertising space on those fucking chompers.

Starting point is 00:58:44 Are those your teeth? Hell no. No, AI. Ahaha! That's G-A-I, dude. That's horrible, bro. That's G-A-Y, yeah. The forearms are nice, though. I was about to say, your forearms look good and they shaved you a little bit. God. Your whole body's shaved.

Starting point is 00:58:59 Well, it's going to be as soon as I get in shape. No, you look good there. Well, thanks. Why can't soon as I get in shape. No, you look good there. Well, thanks. Why can't you look more like AI? Well. Well. Do you think, whenever you die, where do you want your body, where do you want your ashes spread, do you think?

Starting point is 00:59:12 Oh, I was just talking about this. No, I wasn't. What are you gonna do with them? No, what do I do? You're kind of a trickster. No, I'm not gonna do any tricks. Really? I don't want any weird stuff, yeah.

Starting point is 00:59:23 Let me get a couple grams of it. You want a little bit? Oh, if anybody needs money, I would let them sell them, you know, for whatever. Oh, that's cool. You could sell them here, part of your merch, if you want. I could have Harper, she could take them. But I don't know, it's two more, but I can't even think about the stuff, I get scared. Um, I want my, what if they had like spades, shades,

Starting point is 00:59:45 and we put them into some beautiful, beautiful sunglasses. Okay. You know? I'm pretty agreeable to everything, yeah. Or how like spades. Spades, shades. Yeah. Okay.

Starting point is 00:59:56 Or in their interior shades too actually. Oh my God, okay. Well now we're getting somewhere, yeah. And what, was there a story about something? Ashes, dogs. I want mine shot into a fucking schoolyard full of children. No, you should put it in a t-shirt gun. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:00:10 And take it to some bayou horseshit, you know, Louisiana rodeo. Yeah. Snake rodeo. And, snake rodeo. Is that like an orgy? Is that what you call an orgy? No, wasn't there a story about some dog that ate someone's ashes or something?

Starting point is 01:00:25 Was there anything else? There was some of the news that just happened about it, some of them eating ashes, we got that. Did you hear that bullshit? Look at this. Shit. Wait, oh my God, it's a Rolex. Anyway.

Starting point is 01:00:37 Is that real? Now the joke is like, I act like it's late, I go, oh shit, it's a Rolex. Then I go like this. What time I go, oh shit, it's a Rolex. And I go like this. What time is it, oh, wealth. Yeah, no, this is a real one, but it's the only one good thing I have. I did get robbed at my house,

Starting point is 01:00:53 so you shouldn't be flashing around. Me toddler hate me ashes. You came home, walked in an unthinkable situation when she found her one-year-old consuming her father's cremated remains, and she even has video of the mortifying situation. They're aren't they? They're not good. They cannot taste good.

Starting point is 01:01:12 I don't know. I guess if you mix them with something. Vying. My God, when your son eats your dad. Of course she films it. Is that she is. My son has eaten my dad's last years. He didn't have a lot. That's the whole fucking story. Dude, he only had a little bit.

Starting point is 01:01:29 He only had like the forearm and... Yeah, dude. That's so grody. That lady's complaining. Also, the kid is a ginger too. Trouble. Yeah. So some of that you gotta see coming.

Starting point is 01:01:43 Some of that's on you. Also, the lady immediately sold it to TMZ. That's a great point, huh? Yeah. She probably served them up. Everything's for sale nowadays, it seems like. What other news stories we got, guys? Anything popping off?

Starting point is 01:01:56 Yeah, give us some shit before Spade fucking has the boogie. Spade looks pretty cool today. Spade looks healthy today. Yeah. Is there a hair? Yeah, it's okay. Here, give it to me. Save it.

Starting point is 01:02:07 No, you know what I do? Is if you weren't here, I fucking light it on fire in front of the other ones. Yeah. And I say, this is what happens when you try to fucking make a break for it. Jump ship on me, motherfucker. And then it burns and it floats down. They all go, what the fuck? And I go, yeah.

Starting point is 01:02:21 Yeah. Might want to stick around. Yeah. You might want to see the final act. Yeah, because they've... It's hard to keep hair. No, no, it's ridiculous and it's fucked up. And our bodies can only hold so much hair.

Starting point is 01:02:33 Tiffany, you have raging boners. What? I'm sorry. The guy, Brian Johnson, who's trying to live forever, he says that women also get their version of Morning Wood. Okay, let's see who's wrong. Brian Johnson. Brian Johnson. Let's take a look at him first. Is he the guy that tries to live forever?

Starting point is 01:02:47 He's trying to be really old. Is that him? I'm not sure. He also sings for ACDC. That's Brian Johnson too. Really? That's a different one. Flying in bed, just like Brian Johnson did.

Starting point is 01:02:59 There he is. Oh, there he is, huh? First of all, I thought this was Matt Reif. Is that his new special? It's his new cologne. Called fucking pig blood. What is this guy injecting in his wiener this week? I know, that's the only thing.

Starting point is 01:03:16 This guy takes a lot of pills straight up the wee-wee. Listen, I'm all for doing minimum two million worth of surgery on my face. But just to do a light dusting and clean up, this guy's like every day. I'm all for doing minimum two million worth of surgery on my face. But just to do a light dusting and clean up, this guy's like every day, it's too much. And girls find that out, they don't want a dude that's spending their whole life to look six years younger.

Starting point is 01:03:35 It's crazy. Yeah, you don't want somebody who's in there sand blasting their fucking clavicles in the morning. You can't even get any extra sleep. Fucking sanding their nuts, there's no wrinkles in them. Just fucking, mew, mew. You got your wiener out in the belt sander.

Starting point is 01:03:51 Mew, mew. Yeah, this guy's... No rinks. Yeah, see? Wrinkle free. I mean, I get it. He wants to look. We all do.

Starting point is 01:04:00 I'm falling apart. Someone put on my comments the other day. You got old fast, dude. Oh, thanks, you fuck. Oh, thanks fly to your house and beat you with a fucking rock dick I get really offended by the comments. I'm like this Just comment you speak about losers. I tell myself the guy goes no way. I'm a winner and I go fuck He's a winner. He's doing this I'm a winner and I go, fuck, he's a winner and he's doing this? Look at Spade. That's a tough part.

Starting point is 01:04:26 Whoa. That's me when I get all the surgery and you go, Spade, is that you? John Benet pico-grams-y, huh? Fucking, look at those pecs though, dude. Dude, what the fuck? You better spend that money, David. Yeah. Why does he got bandages on his finger?

Starting point is 01:04:41 What's wrong with this, dude? And why has he got a half ounce of raspberry cum on him? Splurt. How many times you got to jerk off to get that? Yeah. And can you wear the cheapest chain you know? Fucking dude. Spending your money on the wrong shit.

Starting point is 01:04:56 Wow. Is that a Neuralink necklace around his neck? Shave your chest, you fruitcake. God, that guy's been eating his own nipples off, I bet. Hey, you want some cherry fucking pie melted down? Hey, nips. Why would you push in on that? God, those bitches, cuz, dude, those bitches are hard boiled. It's fucking window cutters. Tic-tac-toe.

Starting point is 01:05:20 Dude, that's crazy. I don't know if, how long would you want to be alive, you think? I don't know how long would you want to be alive you think? I don't, um, you mean I like it now. I'm going to beat up around the edges at a rough, I had a rough upbringing. But you got it. If you get in a sauna for two days, you'll be bouncing. I think so. 100%. A sauna?

Starting point is 01:05:40 Yeah. You would not let me in your sauna. Oh, it is a good point. Huh? You didn't want to get in there. They had the ice bath too. I know. Okay, now here's this guy fighting.

Starting point is 01:05:51 That thing kept me going though. Oh yeah, on the movie? Yeah. No, honestly, whatever it takes. I was telling you beforehand, you're tougher than me, but movies are fucking tough. They're tough mentally, they're tough physically, and it's just a fucking grind.

Starting point is 01:06:04 You have no life. You get up at dark, you go in. Every day is a problem. Like, we don't have this, this car doesn't work. Remember the cars weren't starting? We're like, how? Dude, the cars, we had to push the cars into every shop. Every car we had were like, did you want it to start?

Starting point is 01:06:16 I go, yeah, you have to drive it into the scene. Okay, you gotta tell us this up front, guys. I go, I have to tell you, a car should start. Yeah. Well, it was low budget, but it's still, Okay, you gotta tell us this up front guys. I go, I have to tell you, a car should start. Well, it was low-budge, but it's still, I mean, we make everything look as good as we can. Listen, Napoleon Dynamite was low-budge, it's hilarious. So, it's just about where you use the money. It's really just about me and you,

Starting point is 01:06:37 and just about being funny, so you don't need too much in the background. But it was like, we got two brothers right here that'll push it for like 80 bucks, and we're like, what? We're like, 60, okay. Yeah, I was like, we got two brothers right here that'll push it for like 80 bucks. And we're like, have what? We're like 60. Okay. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:06:47 I was like, I don't care if they're related or not. I'm like, we have two guys that aren't related that'll do it for 120. And I'm like, no, no, bring the brothers back. Yeah. That's how it was. We're like pushing cars into scenes. And then, uh, but I thought it overall super fun. Glad, glad to do it,

Starting point is 01:07:06 and excited for the final product. Yeah, thanks for doing it, man. For sure. It was definitely really interesting to get to do. I can't even, it just, yeah, you learned so much stuff. You're like, Jesus. Well, I haven't really done a comedy team movie since I think Black Sheep and that,

Starting point is 01:07:18 because it's like growing up since Five of Us, Wrong Missy was me and Lauren and she was great. It wasn't even really a comedy, she was like all the jokes, I was just reacting, which is important, but it was sort of her thing. So it was fun to go back and forth and on the set when thinking of jokes and stuff, that's the fun part. Those are the fun parts of movies,

Starting point is 01:07:39 like once we're in it and we're doing the scenes and laughing, then it's fun, you know? The rest of it's tough. Yeah. God, could we cry? Could I cry? I'm not crying about the movie. It's fun.

Starting point is 01:07:50 No, dude, we're just talking. I cry about everything. I cry, I cried about the drive here. I'm like, yeah, we have to give a soft spot in your heart for everything. Yeah. For having to do stuff. Yeah. Like it's just definitely man.

Starting point is 01:08:03 It's life. We're being alive. No, dude, we're just talking about it. It's life. We're being alive. No, dude. We're just talking about it It's fucking life. Yeah life everything isn't like I think people don't think that everything is just complete magic or whatever You know, right? I mean the bottom line is it's funny when you watch a movie any movie So you go you don't think about how long how much shit it took you just go funny or not That's all especially you start watching me like this movie fucking sucks, and then they're like And then you don't even think you're like these fucking idiots got together every day and made it that they made it

Starting point is 01:08:32 They were card. This is some rewrite. They loved it. Yeah bomb Yeah, when I go to movies I used to sit through everything because I love comedy I love movies and then about five years ago. I started to walk out of movies. It's very hard I think attention span and everything where I'm like walk out of movies. And it's very hard. I think attention span and everything where I'm like, or I kind of know where it's going and I'm like, if there's not enough tricks here, I gotta go. Yeah, if there's not a good bit of fucking in,

Starting point is 01:08:56 I'm out. If nothing else, someone start fucking someone. Yeah. Or I'm fucking out. At the very least, yeah. Minimum. Even if it's animals, I'll watch that. Listen, how am I watching that when I know

Starting point is 01:09:07 I have Step Brother porn on my phone if I need it? Hey, yeah, dude, I don't need a DNA test to watch that. You know what I'm saying? You know in Step Brother porn, I'll say it and then I gotta get out of here. Yeah, tell me about one of your favorite things about it. I have one more, oh, is this a thing? Oh, sperm racing.

Starting point is 01:09:22 That's not, is that true? Sperm racing a new sport, that's KTLA 5, yeah. Sperm racing, a new sport is coming to Los Angeles. You read that right. A startup recently announced the launch of the world's first live sperm race. You'll be able to watch its inaugural edition. Wait, is everyone going to get a microscope? Right here in Los Angeles.

Starting point is 01:09:38 Ah, I don't know, let me see. The startup known simply as Sperm Racing raised a million dollars in support of the efforts to put on the world's first sperm raise. I like that you read it so fast. I'm not even understanding. Male fertility is declining. So what happens? Let's say I'm in fifth grade. Okay.

Starting point is 01:09:52 You get a boner. I'm trying to explain to a fifth grader. Why would I? Well, son, what would you want? Look at the chart. That really helps me. So now you're just telling your dad I'm staying competitive out here. Now you might be wondering how you're going to get a boner.

Starting point is 01:10:00 I'm trying to explain to a fifth grader. Why would I? Well, son, what would you want? Look at the chart. That really helps me. So now you're justking off. You just tell your dad I'm staying competitive out here. Now you might be wondering how exactly a sperm race works. Well, the founders laid it out. First, a microscopic racetrack for the two sperm samples to compete on will be constructed.

Starting point is 01:10:15 The course mimics reproductive system and includes chemical signals, fluid dynamics, and synchronized starts. Is this for the next Olympics? What are we doing? God, dude. I don't know, because I'm tired of just jerking off and nobody wins. How about this?

Starting point is 01:10:27 I'll get the fucking high jump and that's about it. Get dished. Okay. Flop it over. Yeah, no, I don't even want to go up. Mine's more like, it looks like a couple, a couple guys rolling out of a sleeping bag these days. I like the last, the last scene of some dude in the scene.

Starting point is 01:10:47 He goes, yeah. And it's like, one CC like this. The guy's like, oh yeah, he missed a good batch. Oh, I'm thinking, dude, I'm working with an eye dropper these days, that's for sure. The girl's like this, ah. And they're like, oh, there it is. Got it.

Starting point is 01:11:06 No, sperm races, yeah, let's look forward to that in 2028, Gavin Newsom, Olympics. First sperm to cross the finish line wins. That's pretty much it. One more news topic before you go, David. Yeah, the two guys that play lose. Yeah, dude, that's true, the two guys that play it. I like on the side, what do you think?

Starting point is 01:11:23 Last one, no opinion. Okay. GA Georgia? Yeah. Georgia 911 caller here is dispatcher ordering McGriddle during emergency call. Oh, I hate this kind of stuff. I just hate when the lines get crossed or whatever. You ever do that? What do you mean? Oh, like a party line?

Starting point is 01:11:40 Oh, when I was a kid. Yeah. Like when I was a kid or whatever. Party lines, yeah. You'd be talking to your friend, and then it would cross over, and you'd just have some big guy's voice, he was like, these are gonna die. You're like, who was that?

Starting point is 01:11:51 Talking, yeah, yeah, and you go. Just a line, you've never even heard the voice before, like the line would get crossed. And then it just stepped out. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. No, I wanna hear more about the McGriddle. What about on Instagram when they show cars doing donuts and they always hit somebody?

Starting point is 01:12:06 Oh yeah. They go, street takeover and everyone's like, yeah. I'm like, everyone gets hit. You guys get at this point. These aren't professionals. Get out the way. Yeah, get out the way. A 911 caller in Chatham County, Georgia had a very hard time getting through to dispatchers

Starting point is 01:12:20 when he thought someone was breaking in. Classic Chatham County problem. Just some good old breakfast. When he finally did get through, he said the dispatcher was ordering breakfast. My wife called me. Oh, we got a live report. Go ahead. Let's see it.

Starting point is 01:12:35 911 call from earlier this year after the dispatcher was ordering breakfast. Look at that statement, Nicholas. Wait. The disf- So the person getting the call. It was in February, Dylan- Here we go. Let's see. You know what? Here, we're from the-

Starting point is 01:12:53 Of course. Bas Pro Shop. Of course. He was concerned about someone snooping around his home in the Savannah area. He called the non-emergency line first and then called 911 three times. After finally getting an answer, he was shocked by what he heard during the call. If it, if it didn't happen to me, I wouldn't believe it that happened to someone else.

Starting point is 01:13:09 That's how unbelievable it is. It says the bottom Theo Von fan. On that call is complete. The findings will then be given. That lady looks like your mom a little spayed. She looks like a reptilian. Yeah. Nevermind. Your mom looks weird. No, my mom's hot.

Starting point is 01:13:23 My mom got her knee replaced. Did she? Yeah, you haven't said shit about it. She might want you to call her. Oh, definitely, dude. She's so excited. Oh, where's the movie? That's what she said?

Starting point is 01:13:34 Yeah. Oh, is it fun? It's going to be funny, I can tell. Oh, it's so funny. It just sounds fun. She's very positive. Really? Yeah, she's very positive.

Starting point is 01:13:42 She is? Busboy sounds fun, yeah. Oh, yeah. Dude, I was a busboy for a how long were you a busboy for? Probably two years. I was the worst. That's it? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:13:51 Dude, you told me you were a busboy for a long time. I was a dishwasher for a year. Then busboy, then busboy, then valet parker. No, I would be longer, except I got, I got fired over and over. Dude, she does, that does look like the lady. Your mom, dude, your mom likes jade, so does my mom. Oh, jade? Oh, that's turquoise, but she wears a lot of jade and she wears a lot of turquoise. Oh yeah, turquoise, dude, desert jade.

Starting point is 01:14:11 Yeah, no, she loves it. That sand jade, they call it, you know, in some circles. Look at me with makeup on. Oh, God. Does your mom have a good sense of humor? She's the best, yeah, she's hysterical. My mom looks like Willie Nelson, bring out a picture of her. Bring up real Willie.

Starting point is 01:14:27 But she's awesome too, absolutely. Does your mom like me? She loves you. Does she really? She would way rather have you. See if there's a- Look at cute, is that you in a bandana? There's my mom right there.

Starting point is 01:14:37 Oh, where were you guys? Maybe I would've loved you. Maybe I didn't love you. Why did it solve? What if she took off her mask and it was Bobby Lee the whole time? You were always... You were always on my mind. I love Elvis and Willie's great.

Starting point is 01:14:53 My mom's favorite person is Willie, favorite performer. You're lying. I swear to God. That's my mom's favorite, dude. Look at him. Look at him. She goes, oh, he's sexy. I don't care about the wrinkles.

Starting point is 01:15:02 He is sexy. He's so good. Yeah. Talent. Oh, my mom says I'd like to climb up those braids and about the wrinkles. He is sexy. He's so good. Yeah. Talent. Oh, my mom says I'd like to climb up those braids and get into them. Your mom's got a side pony going. Yeah. She rocks at shit.

Starting point is 01:15:11 Where are you guys? Which Waffle House is that? Uh, that's one of, actually that was ranked one of the top 600 Waffle Houses. She's like, you're so rich. Where are you taking me? You're like, oh, pull into Waffle House. Oh, you want to go somewhere else? Beep, beep.

Starting point is 01:15:24 She's like, no, we can have the Buck 99 special. You're like, mom, I just feel like you're most comfortable here. She likes, dude, she likes it. Ever since RFK Jr. cleaned up there, some of their feeding patterns over there. Do you have syrup? That was overheard.

Starting point is 01:15:40 We're going to start using owl piss. Yeah. Did you hear about the guy that tried to piss in his pool or something? No, some guy was leaving piss somewhere and they hit him with a hammer. What was that article I saw with that hammer, dude? I don't know if that's the whole story. What was that article I saw with the hammer, dude? Oh my God.

Starting point is 01:15:56 This is the last one. Ready? Lotta pee. Man has no idea who's putting gallons of urine in his recycling bin. We should have started with this one. I like this one. Or why? It's a lot of pee. A man has no idea who's putting gallons of urine in his recycling bin? We should have started with this one. I like this one. Or why? It's a lot of pee. A man has no idea who's putting gallons of urine

Starting point is 01:16:07 in his recycling bin or why? Oy, big ass big ol' big ol'ie. Dude, it's Kappa Sig. That's who's doing it. Dude, I'll tell you, this guy also is on Instagram trying to fill his pool with piss himself. And it's been a year and it's not that much. And I can tell you, it's going to take him longer.

Starting point is 01:16:25 I figured out, Dane and I, on our podcast, figured out, if you try to piss to Philip the Grand Canyon, if every person did it once a day, it would take 800 years. Ooh. Isn't that crazy? It's not that long. That sounds like a lie. But it isn't that long.

Starting point is 01:16:40 But the Grand Canyon is bigger than you think. Dude, remember when your parents left you at the Grand Canyon? Oh, no, don't even bring that up. It's such a sore sub. It isn't that long, but the Grand Canyon is bigger than you think. Dude, remember when your parents left you at the Grand Canyon? Oh, no, don't even bring that up. It's such a sore sub. Just glad to see when your mom would have been there. You don't know, maybe, Jodor's parents. They were maybe doing it as a favor for some reason. We haven't thought of that.

Starting point is 01:17:01 TBD, dude. It's a little late to be thinking about plot Dude, the best thing was that we got to sing the Beatles. Oh, that was the best thing. I think where was that? Probably on bus boys on the movie. We did. Yeah, what are we saying? Anytime we got to sing it member. Oh, we'd sing Abbey Road off-camera. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I fucking love the Beatles. Oh, I love the Beatles. McCartney, the Beatle, I love it all, man. Yeah. Yeah. All right.

Starting point is 01:17:29 Well, I gotta let you go. All right. I'm going to stick around for a bit, but I'm going to let you take off. No, but thanks for having me. Miss you. Dandelion out now or coming out in the next day or two. Check it out. Yep.

Starting point is 01:17:43 May 6th, Amazon. And check it out. Yep May 6th Amazon and check it out Smash that button whatever you're supposed to do. Hit that like and subscribe. Yeah, whatever it is. You guys One of the greats. Yeah people I've ever met man I feel lucky to be able to know you and I really feel lucky that you came over today man Just thanks for making us laugh, dude. I love it dude. You always crack me up and, alright guys, see you out there. Now I'm just floating on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves.

Starting point is 01:18:13 I must be cornerstone. Oh but when I reach that ground I'll share this piece of my life out. I can feel it in my bones But it's gonna take a little

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This Past Weekend - #580 - David Spade

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