This Past Weekend - #609 - Chris Distefano

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Starting point is 00:00:30 Today's guest is a stand-up comedian out of New York City. He's performing this Thursday at the Madison Square Garden Theater on 9-11. I'm thankful to have him back in studio, the recently engaged, Mr. Chris DeStefano. You go pretty good. Yeah, dude, I guess racism is still alive, do you think? What do you think is really going on at racism? With racism, what I really think is going on is I think that it's turning around now and now it's pretty much just whites and blacks coming together to be racist against the Chinese.

Starting point is 00:01:26 You do? Yeah, so that's what I think is the nice thing about racism. is we're kind of, everybody's teaming up now, you know? And so it's about a common enemy, because it used to be white versus black, but that's not at all what it is anymore. And Latinos have been absorbed up into white, and it's everything is just, not Chinese Americans, just people from China. Okay.

Starting point is 00:01:47 That's where it seems to be going now. Well, some black folks were beating up the Chinese during the COVID stuff. Remember that? That was the big thing. That was, you know, I have a lot of friends, obviously by my haircut, you know, and you know me for a long time, but I have a lot of friends who are in the end. NYPD, and I have an honorary police badge just because of the way I look. I was just given one.

Starting point is 00:02:06 You know, like some people get like an honorary doctorate, like Bill Cosby, the G-O-G. I got an honorary NYPD just because of my look. Oh, I could see you breaking that out, like in a men's bathhouse or something. Like, everybody down! Yeah, yeah. And mouths open, you know? I'm on a big group chat with like 30 cops, and anytime there's like a protest, they'll just be. They'll just start writing CS, and I'm like, what the hell is that?

Starting point is 00:02:33 And they're like, cracking skulls. Yeah. Just start coming out. Coffin time. That's what it is. But I think that. Do you really think that? Because racism, like, you know, it's just, it's gotten into, like, when I was young,

Starting point is 00:02:48 it was like, I don't want to say it was nice, whatever, but it was just, it was easy. It was like, okay, everybody was a certain thing, and you kind of got to pick them out, and you knew who was going to pick on you type of thing. Yeah. But then people started getting so. it's like you almost need like a calculate you almost you're like what is I you know

Starting point is 00:03:07 what I'm only going to be races against half of this person or a quarter of them it's like it's just too confusing now right well it's too confusing it's like when you started doing fractions when you were like in fourth grade and it's also like everybody is every race and everybody's every gender and everyone

Starting point is 00:03:19 like I haven't even in my own family because you know I got my kids are half white half Latino and you know I have a 10 year old daughter and a four year old daughter and there's even division there like my My 10-year-old has chosen to be more Latina, and my 4-year-old's chosen to be more white. That's what so.

Starting point is 00:03:35 And so I'll have my 4-year-old multiple times. Multiple times my 4-year-old has, you know, because these kids are so damn good on the iPad now. Multiple times my 4-year-old has been fully on FaceTime with ICE agents trying to get my 10-year-old locked up. And then it's like, you know, do you put them, and I put them in time out, but you're like, is that enough? And time out is what the government is trying to put it in?

Starting point is 00:03:57 Exactly. Exactly. Is it just like a practice like, you know, I think these days for, I think for Latino kids, you got to make timeout intense. Right. You know, to at least get them ready in case they get picked up. That's what actually, it's funny you say that. That's what I've been implementing in my house. I have a little room in my basement. There's alligator, Alcatraz. Well, we actually call it Guantanamo Bay. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:04:18 And so we have it set up. We have like a little video camera there. We put them all, you know, masks when they go down there. And it's a whole thing to get them set up because the truth is, man. is if one one of my children has chosen to be white and one of my children has chosen to be Latino. That's on them. That's on them. And it caused division with, you know, my wife and I, like I have to now choose, you know,

Starting point is 00:04:41 and obviously I choose white. Yeah. You know, as you have. I mean, I think these days I am on the fence, you know, or like, how do you say the fence in Spanish? Bring that up. L'Alfense. You think?

Starting point is 00:04:55 That's French. No, you used to. La Valle. La Valle. Yeah. Now, do you... How old is she? For real, right? But no, we're in Tennessee, so I don't know what, what's the age?

Starting point is 00:05:05 I mean, I'll say it skews a little, but nothing to drive down here for. I just want to say I love Celsius. It's not like the old days. I'm going to need some today. Really? Oh, you're not feeling? I'm sorry, man. No, I'm okay. Let's go through some of the stuff you've said already, because, yeah, I do think, you know, these days they're picking up so many people for so many things that at home, time out should be more extensor for these kids. It's got to be more intense. You've got to put them under a bright lamp or something like that.

Starting point is 00:05:34 You've got to, you know, tape their feet to the floor and tickle them. Like, you've got to do things that are going to prep them. Well, yeah. And also, too, I prepare my children, you know, for, because, you know, for like kidnappings and things like that. Because with all the Netflix content and just content in general needs to come out, you have to think that networks and streamers are going to start to just do things for the content. So they will just let a serial thing. killer loose or just pay a dude to just kind of get out there and kidnap kids so they have the

Starting point is 00:06:02 story so you have to you know my kids want to get into acting so maybe that's the way well you know they just started a lot of those uh pedophiles at their busting over there at target you've seen these tic-toks no that's what the beautiful thing have you seen them i haven't because i've been off social media okay i've i've went away i just let my kids go on it that's fine i just let them i just let them kind of get all the energy out on social media, let them make profiles, talk to whomever they want, and I'm not on it. Oh, you got to keep the breadwinner safe.

Starting point is 00:06:34 Yeah, dude, I got to, you know, my brain got to be here. Yeah. You know, dude, I was thinking that there, a lot of the pedophiles that are now, I guess, they always, now it's not even cops busting them. It's just like dudes busting them. It's like regular dude, they'll just wander up on a guy

Starting point is 00:06:49 and they're like, so who you're here to see, you know? Right. And it's just some guy. and but you know the guy has been flirting with a child online a hypothetical child the other guy who's busting him has been sitting around pretending to be a child right making sexual advances or i don't want to say that entirely but communicating sexually with a hypothetical adult because at that point they don't know they're online which both sides of it like definitely the predator is that's it that's a crime the other side also has to be a little bit weird at a certain times like the psyche that

Starting point is 00:07:23 happens if all day or six hours a day for four days a week you're sitting there pretending to be a child and like responding to like sexual advances of adults has to be kind of weird it's yes but then they get them to these places and instead of busting them now they're doing things where there's physical challenges and they let them go if they can complete the physical challenge yeah i mean it's kind of a genius move because it's like it's kind of like you know um uh american ninja warrior meets Chris Hanson. Yeah. Which is kind of dope.

Starting point is 00:07:54 You know what I mean? It's kind of interesting because we have to get to that level. But I think, yeah, unfortunately now everything, you got to know what's content, everything in some ways is content. So what I like to do is I don't film it.

Starting point is 00:08:06 I just do it for the great or good is I, there was a dude in the local Buffalo Wild Wings in the mall near my house. And what he was doing is he was sitting in the stall and he had little cameras coming out of his pants. up onto his shoe, shooting up, filming up, and he would look for little kids. Oh, when he'd slide the camera under this thing?

Starting point is 00:08:26 He would slide his shoe under, and it would be just taking snapshots and videos of little kids on the toilet. So what I would do is I would go in there and I had the, you know, I call it a fake baby penis, but it was just my actual penis that looks relatively, you know, like a baby penis not circumcised, kind of just there. I actually still have the umbilical cord. It kind of looks like an outy belly butt. Yeah, you've seen it before.

Starting point is 00:08:47 Yeah, exactly. So, and I still got the umbilical cord. So I just had them, I would just have them take pictures of my, you know, baby dick and balls. And then we'd bust them like that. And I wouldn't even call the police. It would just be my friends from the group chat. I would just say it's C.S. And then we'd just start cracking the skulls.

Starting point is 00:09:03 And then that's how we'd get them off the streets because you do got to think, I agree with you. You know, these people that expose the pedophiles, it's like you're not a pedophile, but you're also not doing it for the greater good. I think there has to be some weird psychological thing that has to mess with you after a while. Um, bring up some of the, uh, those pedophiles that were completing the challenges and stuff. Can you do, can you see that? You look at kind of beefy, dude, up in the shoulders. Like, you're stronger now.

Starting point is 00:09:30 I have been in, I've been in the gym. Yeah. I'm feeling tired, though. Now, do you think you have early stage COVID? What do you, what are you tired from? Do you think? Well, I don't. You have to, first of all, fully believe in COVID to even get it, I believe.

Starting point is 00:09:44 100%. But they're just getting stronger. That's great. And then they let them back in a lot. It's like they're just getting stronger. Yeah, well, that's. They're getting, some were doing hurdles. One guy had to eat like 40 eggs, and it's like, okay, now he's...

Starting point is 00:09:55 Now you got mad protein, and you can grab any kid you want. Well, it's just, they're getting stronger. So do you think then the solution is, obviously, to give the kids guns? Oh, dude. Would that be the solution? I don't know. I know that's going to happen. Because that's what's going to happen is the first active shooter is going to go in with a

Starting point is 00:10:10 plan and get shot by the students right away and just feel like an idiot. What if they had a dude named Guantanamo Bay, right? B-A-E, and he was just like this gay dude in the, like, in Guantanamo that was just like slurping everybody. Oh, yeah. Be like, everything's fine. Dude, I would want to get arrested. You would be that.

Starting point is 00:10:29 You'd be a great guy to be Guantanamo Bay. And I know how to play both sides. I know to play Latino and gay. Easily. You could do it. I have both dudes living inside me right now. Yeah. Well, I think, I mean, yeah, I think, look, if that's how you feel, I'm not, you know.

Starting point is 00:10:44 I'm a... I don't know. I'll tell you how I feel about that. My pronouns are he nosotros. Wait, nosotros, what's this between Nosotros and Vosotros? Vosotros means us. What does nosotros mean?

Starting point is 00:11:00 We. Got it. I think that's it. Oh, Vosotros means you. Sorry, I think it's formal. Can you hit that accent? Vosotros. God.

Starting point is 00:11:12 Damn, dude. I'll have two kids right now. Do you want kids, man? Yeah, I want some. I want to get into that, dude. but I do want to also ask you, though, yeah, what did you think about, oh, they just had that Drusky clip that came up.

Starting point is 00:11:25 I want to talk about that about, do you see that? No, but I'd love to see it. It's cool to not know what's going on in the world at all, and it's also cool to catch up with you and I don't even know what's going on in your life. Well, this is the kind of thing that's happening, and we will get into that, because I knew last time you were here,

Starting point is 00:11:39 we had a huge conversation for two hours. It was Valentine's Day, we talked about love, we talked about where we were at. It must have been years ago, dude. It was a couple years ago. you've had some um you've had some big things happen in your in your life yeah where you uh have been forced into marriage by a semi illegal alien and we're going to talk about that yes we're going to talk about that but first i want to talk a little bit more about race and race baiting okay um cross racial

Starting point is 00:12:02 behaviors right here uh this is a clip that of a white male let's see um that druski put together okay okay love, here's the honor. If you can't come in her, come over. I think this is a Jason Kelsey impersonation also. Look at this. Born in the U.S.

Starting point is 00:12:36 Hey, Sueanna. She's going to listen. You come up, you need to listen to your nana. point. Hey, you lost more? No, I'm going to race. What race?

Starting point is 00:12:54 NASCAR racing. You're going to NASCAR? What is this? What is this shit, dude? Do you think that kind of racism happens that much, really? Or this is more like in movies type shit, dude? I mean, look, dude, I live in New York,

Starting point is 00:13:13 so I don't know what it's like in the South, but I know racism exists. I also know that it's kept alive by the media and the internet and all that stuff because there's so many people that make so much profit off it that you're like but I mean I think that's fine I mean Drusky doing that is just like a good bit but I should be able to then fully dress black well that's where I'm going right because at this point it's like yeah this is hilarious right like I thought the part what the black dude was great yeah it's so it's tough to watch because you're like

Starting point is 00:13:42 is he now perpetuating this thing that I don't think that shit happens dude like you know what I'm saying I grew up in areas with a lot of racism you know I've dabbled in it sure but I don't see that kind I mean I think you see that shit like in a time to kill

Starting point is 00:13:56 an old movie or like you know like in the heat of the night you know and that's just my perception but I don't even know if a lot of my black friends would say that they see that kind of shit maybe they do though maybe I'm completely blind maybe but I think at this point

Starting point is 00:14:11 it's like you could do that somebody could do a black face if they wanted to right to create humor in it do you think so i mean i guess you can you can try i think you could try whatever you want you could try i think you do it up you try whatever you want i don't have me personally i wouldn't do it not because of just because i don't have the comedy behind you wouldn't look good as a as a african-american exactly dude and i oh because i got a lot of skin tags so even if i went like black face or black full body because i would most likely just go black chest oh i go black arms

Starting point is 00:14:44 and legs and i get out on the court and i ball right and i would keep the face right, but I got a lot of skin tags and moles and stuff, so it wouldn't look right. But I think, in the name of comedy, I say, give it a try. That's why with Druski, I mean, that was funny to me. Give it a try. Any white person that's offended by that is just, you know, they're kind of Guantanamo Bay in a way.

Starting point is 00:15:02 Yeah. You know? Yeah. In a way, dude. Everybody's kind of just a little bit sensitive, and you really start to feel better about your life, I think, ultimately when you come, well, again, I don't want to, I don't generalize anything anymore. Me specifically, I started to feel so much better and happier when I just

Starting point is 00:15:20 got off social media because I was like, oh, the regular, all the racism and drama, it's all happening in the comments of people that you don't know. Anybody, I've made a decision in my life. If I don't know you personally, you don't affect me at all, positive or negative. You can tell me how great I am. Doesn't matter. You could tell me how much I suck. Doesn't matter. You could call me any name in the book, don't care unless I personally knew you. If you, Theo Vaughn was like, Hey, Chris, this. You're a f*** or whatever. Exactly.

Starting point is 00:15:47 Well, dude, I mean, that's how we talk, man. I would just look at my last text from you. Yeah, facts, facts. But no, I just think, like, I love this in the name of comedy. I think it's the kind of comedy that's fun and that you need. Yeah. And I think, like, if somebody were doing something messed up and that is racist, I think you can feel that undeniably. To me, you can't be racist and funny.

Starting point is 00:16:13 It's one of the other. Like, you can't be hateful. You can't be racist and hateful. Like, you know, like Hitler, Hitler wasn't funny. You know what I mean? He was racist, but he wasn't funny. Well, he might have been a little funny, but, you know, the racist stuff he was doing wasn't funny. But he could have been funny outside his racism.

Starting point is 00:16:30 That I don't know. Did he have a sense of humor? Will you bring that up if Hitler had a sense of humor? Yeah. I think he did. Nature of Hitler's humor. Hitler's humor was often sarcastic or offensive, sometimes involved pranks directed at his associates. Examples include telling politically charged or racially derogatory jokes at public events and meetings

Starting point is 00:16:48 and making light of aggressive or threatening situations. His jokes tended to reinforce Nazi ideology, okay? Or humiliate perceived enemies. Well, there's memes online of him and Goring, who was the head of the Luftwaffe or the Air Force, them just laughing. A lot of times in the group chat, that Giffel gets sent around with Hitler and Gouf and Goring, just laughing. Well, they're probably off work for a little while. Yeah, I mean, you can't, you're not on all the time.

Starting point is 00:17:15 A specific example of Hitler's humor is the elaborate prank he played on his foreign press chief. Ernest Hengstengel. Homsdangle. Hutzel. Hitz or convinced Homsdangle that he would have to parachute behind enemy lines during the Spanish Civil War as part of a dangerous mission. Hompstangle terrified and confused spent hours circling the German countryside by plane before the pilot revealed the truth and landed safely. Another account concerns Hitler's cold willingness to use jokes to humiliate or intimidate others. For example, Hitler reportedly joked with Ermin Goring.

Starting point is 00:17:51 Goring, that's the head guy. That to make the people of Berlin happy, he should jump off the radio tower. A joke that became wildly told and led to harsh punishment for those who repeated it publicly. That's the thing. I don't know if you ever done comedy in Germany, but they tell you, you go to do comedy in Germany. You cannot make fun of Nazis. You can't do any of that. Really?

Starting point is 00:18:11 Like you can't make any jokes about it at all. They just don't want to hear about it. They said you could get deported for that. I was like, do you mean make fun of it like, like, you mean like don't condone it or like don't make fun of the Nazis? Because that's what you guys like, fuck what, like you guys are proud of that. And he was like, it's up to you. Yeah. It does have to you.

Starting point is 00:18:33 It's, yeah, which sounds a little bit risque right there. Right, yeah. Nazi humor is heavily restricted and can be considered illegal for comedians in German. especially if it involves Nazi propaganda, symbols, or Holocaust denial due to strict laws prohibiting such content. Huh. Yeah. Yeah, dude. Oh, you know who was about to go to Germany?

Starting point is 00:18:51 Who was, Jim Jeffries is about to go there. Yeah? Yeah. And why did he go? I think he said that he has issues with audiences there. Like he's selling everywhere in Europe except for some reason, not in Germany. Well, it seems like they don't have the best sense of humor, right? It seems like because they went through a lot.

Starting point is 00:19:08 And I feel like, but I, when I did my shows. there, I did a show in Munich, and they were having fun, man. Yeah? They were having fun. You just, you know, like, you know, you stay away from the Nazi stuff. You don't make fun of them. And if anything all fails, Juden, Juden, which is Jew, do a bit about that. Really?

Starting point is 00:19:30 It's all good. You know what's interesting. What do you say, Juden? Judean. Yeah, I was calling myself Juden Foster. Like Judy Foster, but I was at Juden Foster, and they were laughing at that. They're like, God, she's not aged well. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:19:42 She's on hormones. I do kind of look like a lesbian a little bit, right? Oh, dude, you look like the lambs have been screaming right in your face. Yeah, bro, I know. Some people will tell me that. Oh, I'm thinking Jody Foster. Jodd, that's what I said, Judin Foster. Oh, Judy.

Starting point is 00:19:55 But, yeah, Nell, from Nell. Remember Nell when she was just like, Uh, he's going to burn on the green? Her? Born in the wolf. No, Carter? Well, no, Nell, there was a movie Nell where she's raised by wolves. And she just has a full bush.

Starting point is 00:20:08 Oh, I don't like that kind of shit. You don't like that. pubic hair? Huh? When you had to manipulate all those vaginas before you had this comedy career, though, you had to run into some Bush. We used to talk about that a lot. I'm not against it.

Starting point is 00:20:19 I believe in, like, if I were a time traveler or something, yeah. Right. I'd get used to it, you know? Because it's only recently, how long did women have bushes for it? It's hundreds of thousands of years. The whole thing about women not having Bushes just started recently. That's the thing. And who knows what the effect of that is on children?

Starting point is 00:20:38 Yeah. also circumcisions too like you can cut the four skins straight off your son's piece and that's kind of a new thing you don't know what that's going to do to him oh they're mailing some of those over to those tech lords in israel i think they're chomping those those are fucking gummy bears for those guys because they can be pedophile there and they don't they can't yeah sweet i think you can go there i was supposed to go to chicago tonight maybe i'll go to tel aviv baby don't go you're two kids dude you don't want anybody getting the wrong idea oh shit and you're jacked you're like oh this guy's beating three challenges yeah you think so i had a blueberry

Starting point is 00:21:08 muffin today too. I put protein and everything. Let me see what this says. Women do not stop having pubic hair. Trends in grooming and styling of pubic hair have changed throughout history with the 1980s and 1990s bringing a boom and grooming that included styles for being bare. But 2010s

Starting point is 00:21:25 and 2020 saw resurgence of the natural Bush style. Yeah, it's definitely interesting that that that kind of took on. Who was the first woman to have bare pubic hair? Like who fully shaved it? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:21:41 I mean, that's like the first person that had a convertible open. You're like, whoa. Yeah, the first person to think to shave that. It is impossible to definitively name the first woman to have fully shaven pubic hair publicly as it was historical practice long before the advent of modern media and documentation. Okay, so it's been around for a long time.

Starting point is 00:22:00 Right. In ancient Egypt, Roman Greece, for hygiene, status, and beauty. Upper class Roman and Egyptian women, for instance, Use tools like pumice stones, razors, tweezers, and sugaring to achieve hairlessness. Wow. So if you had like a bunch of hair, or you had like a 50-pound test rope coming out of there.

Starting point is 00:22:21 Dude, would you ever shave your head with a pumice stone? That would look. Dude, do you think he'll shave your head? One day when I have children and once my wife leaves me. Yeah, that's when you'll do it? Yeah, because then I'll go to court for alimony. I'm like, oh, he's not doing good. We've got to let him keep a little bit of money.

Starting point is 00:22:35 Now, is that full? Is that all your real hair? Oh, yeah. Dude, that's, it's crazy, dude. You got great hair. I've been shedding recently this past, like, month, dude. Really? Yeah, a lot of times people will shed in, like, August and September.

Starting point is 00:22:47 So you didn't get that in Turkey? That's your natural hair. Now, I've had hair taken out of the back and put it into the front once. Oh, good. How did that feel? Faced in. I don't think I needed it. I think I actually was going through a ton of stress and I lost hair, and then a, like, a lot of it grew back.

Starting point is 00:23:01 Yeah, and I liked it. The way it looks with a hat is pretty good, too. You look good. There's somebody out there right now, a woman right there out. has bush, has grown out her bush and cut it like that. 100%. I guarantee there's a lady out there with pin straight pubic hair. She's probably most likely Asian.

Starting point is 00:23:18 They have the straightest hair. And she's made it into that because she's a fan. You know? That would be nice. Sometimes people come to shows me and they'll have like fun wigs on and stuff. Yeah. Yeah, but if you had a woman that had that just solid hair, I mean, that thing braided into just like it looked like a damn,

Starting point is 00:23:31 the chin of a professional wrestler, you know, in the 80s or 90s. And looking at you, I don't know if anyone's, and stop me if anyone's ever said this before, but you have the kind of look, you have a very unique look where you look like you're from the past but also from the future at the same time. Has anyone ever said that to you

Starting point is 00:23:46 or have you ever thought about that? You look, think about it, think about it, people watch and take a look at Theo. He looks like, you know, obviously like could be in the Civil War, like a Civil War painting from the past, but then he also looks like a woman from the future.

Starting point is 00:23:58 Hey girl. Right? I like a black woman from the future, dude. You do. Yo, it looks great. And I'm happy that I'm seeing it now, dude. sister? Yeah, bro.

Starting point is 00:24:09 This bus is late. Hell yeah, dude. Where's my chick? I can't wait. It's crazy, man. I'm happy we're doing this. Oh, dude, we used to have, I remember there would be like this drunk black woman when our school bus would go by.

Starting point is 00:24:23 She would come up and bang on the driver's side, which is not even a door. It's just a window, right, for the driver of the bus. And she'd be like, where's my chick? Like, that lady was like the bus driver was supposed to bring, like, her government money or whatever. I was like, what the fuck is? Yeah, well, I don't have your check, lady. She yelled at us, kids.

Starting point is 00:24:41 We'd be out looking at the winter because you'd be curious. You're like, tell them motherfuckers, I need that money. Right. And what are you supposed to have money in your pencil case? We don't have any money. Yeah, dude, we're kids, man. Yeah. You want a baloney sandwich with no crust?

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Starting point is 00:27:32 Offer ends 928. Oh, damn, dude. What's going on, dude? You have a show coming up at Madison Square Garden? Yeah, well, the theater at Madison Square Garden was supposed to be the arena, but then the ticket sales dictated to go to the basement, baby. That's all right, baby.

Starting point is 00:27:46 No, you know what happened? I bid off more than I could chew. About six months ago, I said, they came to me, they're like, oh, show on September 11th. Ooh. Yeah. That's lit. That's lit.

Starting point is 00:27:57 So they said, you know, want to make it a day? So I said, I had done, In 2023, I did Radio City and theater at MSG back to back night. So they were like, let's try the arena. You know, because I'm from New York. Yeah. And then the ticket sales, they were just not moving. And like everybody, like, I had an opportunity, I had a decision.

Starting point is 00:28:16 They were like, look, you could either wait. We see a huge increase in ticket sales a week before-ish. That's the way the trends are now for certain people. Or they were like, you could just pull the plug right now and we can move it downstairs to the theater. And I just said, you know what, man? I'm going to, I know me. I know my brain, I know my heart.

Starting point is 00:28:33 I'm going to carry a lot of stress for six, seven months. And I said, me doing the arena is definitely a goal and a dream. And we'll try again. But a lot of it was just ego. So I was like, move it to the theater. And now the theater is all but sold out. And I haven't stressed about it in six months. And it's going to be amazing.

Starting point is 00:28:48 Family's going to come. And then, you know, I'm going to detonate a suicide vest at the end of it. Just take everybody down. You needed some sort of fireworks at the end. Yeah. Also, inviting people into the city on 9-11 is a wild move. It was a wild move. Yeah, I made a ton of mistakes, but I had a manager back then who had a ponytail.

Starting point is 00:29:06 So we were making wild moves back then. So we're not together anymore. He's still my boy. But I was like, yo, dude, because he told me, he booked me for this, the arena on 9-11. And then he told me to hold 5 p.m. the same day open because he thought I could do 15,000 seats at a stadium in Forest Hills, Queens. So he thought I could sell 30,000 tickets. And I sold like 2,000. But he said it.

Starting point is 00:29:27 But when he was saying it to me, he was crazy because he's like, you know, obviously on Coke. and he had the ponytail and the glasses on, and he was wearing bathing suit shorts and like a button up top, and it was December. And he was eating a fruit cup. Yeah, and he was eating a fruit cup, and he was like, you could do it, baby. He was like, I know you could do it.

Starting point is 00:29:42 I know you could do it. So you get pumped up. And then he put me on this arena tour, and then we have to cancel them all. Yeah, yeah. So I like him. I respect him for really, you know, swinging. But, you know, we have the same agent.

Starting point is 00:29:52 But my agent was like telling me from the beginning. It was like, this is a dumb idea. And I said, dude, look at him. He knows what he's talking about. Look at his ponytail's sleek. He uses herbalessence. And then our agent was like, all right. Dude, the guy has two barrettes in.

Starting point is 00:30:05 Yeah, come on, dude. I was like, look at him. He wears a child's headband. Yeah, dude, this guy is legit. I said, I might fire you and hire him. And then after we could take a tail's bird. You know, agent was like, pull it. Pull it, dude.

Starting point is 00:30:18 And then he was like, fire the master. Yeah, so we're still cool. That guy and I hope he's still alive. But I'm at the theater there. And then, but you know what, man? It's one of those things. and my little daughter taught my, well, my older daughter, my 10 year old, because I was a little bummed about this because I was a big moment in time for me. It was like, oh, daddy's going to get

Starting point is 00:30:39 to the arena at MSG because it would almost set me free because that was my only real goal I've ever had to do comedy. A lot of guys, you know, girls, babies, they do comedy for all their different reasons. My only reasons I ever left my physical therapy job was to do the arena at MSG and to have a sitcom about my father. Those are the only things I've ever cared about. So I almost felt like if I could get that one, it would almost set me free because the everyday stress of this career, sometimes, you know, it plays with you. Because you had the sitcom, right? Well, I had a sitcom pilot. So, but I'm hoping, I still, I've won in development now. So I'm hoping that I could get that one and just fulfill at least one of the two and then

Starting point is 00:31:19 set the sights on the arena because I don't, I don't know that I'm a guy that does stand up forever. I'm not, I'm already mentally being like, it's, it's very difficult for me to go on the road and be away from the family. When I started this, I didn't have a family. But now that I do, I'm like, man, this way, so I'm looking for real opportunities to just stay in New York. You know, that's where I live. So my kids are and my wife and kids. So, but my daughter, what she told me was, I guess she had just learned it in school. I was like upset when we had to pull the arena because it was like this whole big exciting thing for me. Your daughter was upset? Well, my daughter was, well, yeah, because I mean, you know, she's got upset because she has to tell her friends in school,

Starting point is 00:31:55 like my dad's a loser, right? So she had to say that. So she had to say that. So she had to say that. So She told him that, but then she was like, but she said to me, when I was upset about it, she was like, oh, it's all right, daddy. She was like, remember, in this life, there's no losses, just learning. And I was like, nice, that's it. Wow, she said that? Well, I say my daughter, but it was actually Janice Pappas, who I do the history behind his podcast with, but he looks like my daughter.

Starting point is 00:32:20 Oh, yeah, that's what I'm like. Yeah, because my daughter looks like Marisa. Oh, it's a beautiful. That's it. That was our first word. She went, da Cé. Yeah. So me and Yonis, we got the history hyenas pod. And so it's back. It's back, bro. We came back about a year ago. I see. Him and I, you know, we kissed and made up. Well, we 69ed each other. And then, and then, and dude, this has been some of the most fun I've had doing comedy again because it's, you know, you're talking with your friend about history, what I love.

Starting point is 00:32:51 Oh, yeah. In New York City, which I love. And it's a place for me to stay in New York. And we really just have a lot of fun doing the history. Oh, and he's so smart. that well that I learned that's the thing I like sitting next to someone where I'm actually learning and laughing so that's it that's it I mean really the premise of the show is you know we talk about a history topic but he typically knows much more than I do and I'm kind of learning through him and peppering jokes and all that stuff but it's it's great and uh yeah just getting to see you guys back together is great also just being like I mean I think you definitely realize as you get older it's like you know having some connectivity being around your friend is like one of the best things

Starting point is 00:33:25 and this is out every week every single week we We come out every Thursday. Awesome. And my message is, if me and Yannis could patch it up, Israel, Palestine, so can y'all. I saw the tagline, actually, for History Hyenas now. It says two chat GPT sluts. Yeah. Because it used to be two Wikipedia sluts.

Starting point is 00:33:43 That come see history in a different way. Yeah, that come see history in a different way. Two chat GPT sluts that come see history in a different way. Yeah, dude. And on our Patreon, I don't know if you guys do Patreon here, but on our Patreon, dude, Like, we've just been, him and I have been going crazy because basically, you know, when we first did this show, the rules on YouTube were different, right? Like in 2017, 18, 19, YouTube wasn't as strict as it is now. So we almost are kind of feeling like the show that we used to do for free on YouTube can only exist on the Patreon.

Starting point is 00:34:19 And the show we do on YouTube is definitely dope. But we are like, man, dude, we came out and we put out these episodes that we thought were good and YouTube just kept dingin us. So we're like, yo, now we can only have fun on the Patreon. But, you know, for me, man, it's, it's, it's, it's, I'm solely focused. Like, I have, I never had goals in this and I never, I was always flying by the seat of my pants, really for my whole life. But now I'm like so laser focused on anything I can do to stay in New York City and make as many of pickup and drop off my kids as possible. That's what I'm looking for. So like the idea, even if you, you know, somebody came to me and said, I'll give you X amount that'll change your life financially, but it's a world tour.

Starting point is 00:34:56 I would say no. Yeah. I would say I can't do it. Time has literally become more valuable than money to me right now because of my, because I think my kids reach that age where I'm like, oh, when they're little, it's one thing. But when they're older and you're missing everything, you're like, oh, okay, hold on, hold on. What's the priorities here? And you like the kids.

Starting point is 00:35:14 Like I think if the kids hit four, six years old and you're like, uh-uh. Yeah, I got a buddy, his son, right? And bless him. Bless him, Benjamin. That's my buddy's name. And his son, he named his son, fucking Benjamin. And I'm like, you fucking loser. He didn't even think about it.

Starting point is 00:35:28 What a dick. He didn't even think about it. The wife was unconscious or whatever because the birth was, it's a black guy. And he's like, yeah, it was a hot birth. And he's like, just give him Benjamin, you know? And he goes, and I'll change my name. And the nurse is like, no, you don't know, that's not how you do. Like, he thought you could do it.

Starting point is 00:35:42 Like, if he names a kid Benjamin, then he's not Benjamin anymore. I'm like, this fucking guy should not have a kid, right? Right. But yeah, he's at the point now. He's like, dude, me and my kid have nothing in common. I'm like, dude, it's not how it was. It's not like you got put with a roommate, like, your first year at, like, Nichols State or something. I mean, you're just doing your, you know, you have to be the leader in the relationship. But, yeah, I think if you get to a certain point, your kid is just like, you know, he's not doing, at least pulling a little bit of weight.

Starting point is 00:36:11 It's got to be kind of tough. Well, that's the thing. Well, like I said, my daughters are, you know, they're motivated. As I said in the beginning of the show me, my four-year-old has got, you know, a point of view. She calls legitimate, says, I'm raised. against Latinos, and I call ICE on my own family. For me, it's country first. And I trust, I love, I mean, every password on my phone, on my key lock, any, you want

Starting point is 00:36:32 to break it to my house or break it to anything I own? You want my bank pin password? You know what the only four digits that it would ever be. You know what they are? Zero, zero, zero. 176, baby, the year of this country. And my daughter, my little one takes that. And then my older one, you know, like I said, she's more Latina.

Starting point is 00:36:49 Extortion. Extortion, gang violence, things like that. And they are. and they've picked lanes, which I really respect and love. I like that. And then, but there is a little division because obviously the older one is pro-Palestine and the little one's pro-Israel. I like that shit.

Starting point is 00:37:04 Yeah. Well, I think here's one thing, dude, is a lot of like Latinos, too. I saw, actually, actually one of your daughter sent me a pitcher and the pro-ice one. Yeah. She's had a tattoo on her back and said, this ice, don't melt on them. Yes. Yo, for real. It's crazy, right?

Starting point is 00:37:20 I know. Dude, she literally, all she wants for. Christmas is she asked me when I told I was doing your pod she was like oh she went bet bet bet that's what she mostly says bet bet bet she said bet bet bet and then I said and then and then she gave me like a little piece of paper and she was only so that she can only communicate really with her mom for some reason like I don't understand her words and she said that when my wife translated she said oh she wants a Charlie Kirk signed CD oh okay so I guess because she's they're American you know I don't know how you know Charlie Kirk or whatever

Starting point is 00:37:53 Never met him. I've certainly seen videos of him. I think he's a, I am impressed with anybody who can think and speak at the same time. Yeah. And that's one thing. To me, has become one of the most impressive things. Guys like Kim, Ben Shapiro, Jordan Peterson. Yeah. Joe Rogan, who can confidently speak at a valid speed. Yes. And communicate effectively, dude. That's what it is. I am like a, the second I open my mouth, I am just somebody who's drunk driving my throat. Yeah, but you know. It's very risk. But you know what, dude, but you, that, bro, you know what's crazy? We've been doing. this for like roughly now and you've said risk kay three times and three different contexts which

Starting point is 00:38:27 i respect and like about you and i've always liked that about you well first of all riskay also was a urban girl that i went to high school with and i hope she's doing well risque wilson there was two kids that i went to high school with their names they were brothers the names were majestic and scientific map n uh yeah i well i didn't go to school with them but they play basketball in a school around the time i was playing basketball and those are two interesting brothers names i love that you like that Yeah, I just love that, I think in black culture, anything could be your name. That's true. Like, we get, like, one out of about 110 names.

Starting point is 00:38:59 Yeah. But in black culture, it could be, it's fucking... Dude, the guy in the Jets was named DeBrickshaw. Yeah. De Brickshaw Ferguson. His first name was De Brickshaw. I met a girl, her son was named No Dante, right? She's like, I was going to name him Dante, but I knew he was going to be misbehaving, so I wanted to put no in front of it.

Starting point is 00:39:18 Yo, like, that's freaking amazing. genius man um let's talk a little bit about what's going on in new york i know right now you guys have mom donnie do you think he'll be able to he's running for mayor right he's probably going to win too for mayor he is but that's why i've packed up and left new york city really yeah well i live in the suburbs okay so you've already left yeah what's that heat up there like what's like what's going on do you notice any of it in the air or not um i think um mom dani you notice that people are starting the new york post which is the only one i mess with The New York Post really goes after him hard.

Starting point is 00:39:53 Oh, they do. So there's a little bit of fearmongering, I think, amongst the media. I do think that he probably has good intentions, but I think, like most of us think, is that New York City is a city that you need millionaires and billionaires. And if you drive them all out with the tax, with the tax hikes, then you're just going to lose the city. So I think that's the fear. I think I understand what he wants with, you know, people should pay their,

Starting point is 00:40:22 everybody should pay more fair taxes. I'm all with that. But, you know, he has an idea of, like, raising the millionaires tax, millionaires, billionaires, like, to, like, a level that they're just, because I know people, it's easy for people to say, oh, but they have so much money. It's like, yeah, but that's their mindset, how they got so much money. They never thought like that. So you're not going to change some, like, 55-year-old white dude's mindset.

Starting point is 00:40:43 Like, he's about that money. So if you want him to stay and keep contributing to the tax burden, you got to, make it appetizing for him. He's just going to go to Florida or Tennessee or somewhere else. Or she or they. Well, let me establish him a little bit. So Zoran, he is, what ethnicity is he? Pakistani, I think, is he or Indian?

Starting point is 00:41:02 Zoran. You don't want to mess that up because Pakistan and India are... We don't want to mess with the Zoron. You don't know. No way. Oh, yeah, there's Mom Donnie. He was born in Kampala, Uganda. Yeah, to an Indian family.

Starting point is 00:41:16 Yeah. Okay, Zoran Mamdani, the Democratic nominee for New York City mayor and current assembly member centers his politics on affordability, social security nets, freeze rents on rent-stabilized units, and triple affordable housing construction aiming for 200,000 new units in 10 years, increased enforcement against exploitive landlords and established an office of deed theft prevention for homeowners, especially in black and Latin X neighborhoods, Alphabet City, double funding for public housing preservation. Yep. Distribute baby baskets. with essential goods and resources to all New York City parents. Increased New York City minimum wage to, increase New York City minimum wage

Starting point is 00:41:55 at $30 an hour, about 2030. So he definitely kind of has this like, for the little man. Yeah, that's what he's thinking about for the little man, which I respect, but I just don't know if New York City's the city for it. I just, I don't know. I honestly don't.

Starting point is 00:42:11 The thing is, I really don't know all this stuff is above my head. I've just left the city. All right, so you're out. My, well, because... Do you think the city changed over time? My girl wanted to leave and she's Latina. You know, that's the thing.

Starting point is 00:42:23 It's like, people think, I think people think like, oh, you know, the media has made everyone think, like, that white people are just the worst and we're the only ones who, you know, don't want this or that. But it's like, yo, the Latinas, bro, if you've ever put, like, a Google translator at a Puerto Rican barbecue, woo! You know. They're unhappy? I mean, bro, you'd think, you'd be like, okay, Senor Hitler.

Starting point is 00:42:44 Oh. Like, you know what I mean? Like, they go in. Against Israel? Everybody. Oh, they, so everybody catches it from the Latinos. Oh, the Latinos have a lot of, they have some racism a little bit. Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 00:42:58 Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That's good to know, because you kind of don't know if they do sometimes. They do. Like, you know those like black and Latino gang violence. Yeah. But you don't hear much about it otherwise, you know. Dude, yeah, black guy, old school black guys, very racist.

Starting point is 00:43:10 Yeah, everybody's kind of racist, man. Yeah. You could, you know. Well, people are tribal, too. That's what it is. Tribalism. Everybody wants to make it all racist. It's like, you know, there's like, there's like a lot of black crime in places.

Starting point is 00:43:22 It's like I'm not racist because I don't want to be in some of those places. I got a friend one time who was trying to get me to come to like this clothing shop that they had. And there's a lot of crime there. And it's young black kids attacking people stealing car jack and shit. I'm not going. It's like, I'm not risk. It's like that doesn't make me racist. I just want to preserve my own life.

Starting point is 00:43:44 I'm just trying to live, baby. But I think more and more now. from, again, the little sense, just talking to people, not on the internet, just like in real life of every race. More people getting sick of it. More people like, yo, let's move past it now. Not everything's got to be racist, sexist. I think the, me too, not the pandemic, I think it, like, kind of hit its fever pitch, and now it kind of like broke. And it's just like, people like, I'm exhausted by that. Don't talk to me about that. Yeah, I agree. I think people see that it's also like this thing that they try to get, like, different political groups to fight over. It's all a

Starting point is 00:44:17 smeark. It's all like, hey, fight over this shit while everything else disappears. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? So people are getting starting to get to know about it now. Yeah. But I think it's interesting to have guys that are different, like, get it. I'm always the underdog fan, right? I'm always the underdog fan. Yeah, well, he's not the underdog, though.

Starting point is 00:44:33 I think it's pretty clear he's going to win. I mean, you got Governor Cuomo who was running against him, right? He was running against him. It's a runoff, right? He killed all this people in the nursing home. So he keeps trying to get Mom Doni into a nursing home. So he can murk him. Got Curtis Sliwa. who's got the beret, which I would vote for him, I understand, but I can't, he won't take his hat off.

Starting point is 00:44:52 Let me see, bring up Silwa on that. Yeah, Silwa, so that's the problem, and Silwa won't take the hat off. So I can't have you as my mayor with that hat on. You know what I mean? Like, I just, if he took the hat off, I think he'd get more votes, but he refused, he wears the full suit with that hat on. Oh, yeah. And he's kind of like the muffin, man. Let's get a look, let's get a little bit more of them.

Starting point is 00:45:11 Can we get some audio on him? Yeah. A lift and Uber, and they are constantly being threatened with perverts who come up to them, sexually harassing. Men, for the most part, don't have that issue. Pat, I'm in all 350 neighborhoods, all 472 of the platforms in the vast city subway system. I'm the only candidate in this subway every day. What are you talking about? He acts like, what is he the fucking, is he the lord of door-dash drivers?

Starting point is 00:45:39 There's no way he's in all those places. Could you imagine? He looks like fucking, he looks like Isidore Dash, dude. He looks like the great chancellor of Doordashian. Dude, he, and he's just yelling about perverts and hoobers. Dude, they should have a show called Keeping Up with the DoorDashians. You don't know that be crazy, dude. Should we pitch that?

Starting point is 00:46:06 Yeah, well, I think we're, you know, we just do it. Let's just do it. Keep it up with the DoorDashians. And it's just a family that DoorDash is. they're just pissed about it. They're like, oh, I'm taking these rich motherfuckers on the Upper East Side. It's fucking, like, oh, I just delivered Ben Stiller some tater tots, you know? They're just fucking pissed everybody.

Starting point is 00:46:23 They're like, oh, Dershowitz, once his waffle fries shaped into a kid's pelvis, you know? You're like, that seems a little risque. Yo, there's the fourth time. Risque. Oh, it does. Dude, I love it, man. Keep it going. Thank you.

Starting point is 00:46:36 Let's get a counter up there. Keeping up with the Dardashians is a hit show, bro. Wow. See, that's what I'm saying, dude. You think your mind is not there. You keep saying your mind need these little mental resets. And that's how you're able to get such good bits. And you're taking little breaks, which is what more people should do.

Starting point is 00:46:53 You take little breaks. That's what I was saying, this old, that old dude that I was telling you about the muffin, who told me he doesn't stress about the muffin. He told me he's 98 years old because he takes little breaks. He was like, oh, when you put your kid in the car seat, put in the car seat, instead of just going right back to the driver's seat. Close the door, yell some slurs, breathe deep. to drive the car into a garage, shut the door,

Starting point is 00:47:15 keep the engine running, and then you leave. No, he said, take a long walk around the car. Take five seconds to breathe and reset. You got your baby safe in the car seat, and then don't just jump right in the driver's seat and start driving. Take five seconds the long way. Find little breaks throughout the day.

Starting point is 00:47:31 And that's what you do. You take little breaks. I like it. Like reset-sism instead of racism, resetcism. Resetism. Or like recidivism, but it's resetticism. I like it. You know what I'm saying, dude?

Starting point is 00:47:41 Thanks, dude. Get a little reset. Reset. I haven't seen you in like two years. I know, man. It's crazy, dude. I can't believe that it's been that long, you know? I think time just gets, like, kind of going, and then things get kind of hectic.

Starting point is 00:47:54 I know. Are you home or you're on the road? Are you staying, is your goal to stay home? Like, my goal is to stay home? It is now, you know? I've been on the same tour for almost four years. So you're off it now? I have, we're doing a, uh, taping a special in, um, to New York.

Starting point is 00:48:09 At the Beacon. Beacon. Best theater. You're doing it for Netflix, Al Jazeera, Hulu? Netflix. Nice. I would do for Al Jazeera. They didn't make an offer, but...

Starting point is 00:48:17 Yeah, I'm going to Saudi Arabia. I could hit them up. You're going to that comedy festival? Yeah, should I have not... Oh, hold on. No, no, no, that's great. Let's get into that in a second. But no, yeah, so we got that coming up.

Starting point is 00:48:26 And then, I don't know. Part of me wants to maybe do a show, like, in Hawaii just so I can also go on vacation. Right. But then part of me is like, I just don't know. Like, I started, like, yeah, like, lose... I just, like, recently, like, I just, like, I think my nervous system's just shot, you know? But do you like being home, like here? Like, do you like being in, or do you like to travel still?

Starting point is 00:48:47 No, I do like it. I like being home. And I want to be able to do more creative stuff. Like, you know, I'm trying to see if Drusky wants to do a, do try to do something together. Right. Me and Spade made a movie that we're going to put out. We're editing right now. So there's a bunch of little things that I'm trying to do, you know?

Starting point is 00:49:01 Yeah. Dude, you and Drusky would just do it like Drewski would just be that character. You guys could just be brothers. You could do keeping up with the Doordashians as a movie. Yeah. And you two are the Doordashians. I think you want to find a family that likes the DoorDash. And it's a family affair.

Starting point is 00:49:18 Right. And it's keeping up with the Doordashians. Or it's just like these funny, like, you know, in the babies in the backseat and he's eating a couple of the tauts or something. Tots, yeah. Dude, one of the guys who works with me is actually, I'm doing Chicago tomorrow and he's going to work with me on the show. He does DoorDash in his spare time. And there's been multiple times where he's done DoorDash orders. I'm on stage.

Starting point is 00:49:38 He does his time, and then he knows he's got about an hour while I'm up there, and he does some DoorDash. The kid's hustling. He's told me, too, what the trick is, too, like they all eat for free, the DoorDash drivers, because, like, you know, when they get hungry, they'll just eat somebody's McDonald's or KFC order, and then just kind of never deliver it, and then let them take it up with DoorDash, and DoorDash will usually just refund their money and then reorder it, but they got they ate the food.

Starting point is 00:50:01 I love that. Like, he said there's no system. It's not like they know, oh, this guy, this driver. driver took, they just line up the DoorDash deliveries and you just take it and you take the receipt. No one's checking. No one's like scanning US the driver in so you could do whatever you want to. I love that shit. That's how you show the man right there, dude. Now somebody doesn't get fed. Somebody and their kids do not get fed. Right. They're splitting up a yogurt or something at home, which is tough to do, dude. But my boy's point was the drivers don't make any money either.

Starting point is 00:50:30 He's making like $8 an hour. So he's like, what about him? Now I got to eat your food. Some people, they love doing DoorDash. It's fun. Oh, here's some stats right here. Let me see. As a U.S. food survey found that nearly 30% of food delivery drivers, including those on DoorDash, admit to taking a bite of food from customers orders at least once. Dude, Mark Norman, they'll take a bite out of your food.

Starting point is 00:50:51 I've seen him do that multiple times at the comedy seller. Oh, potato skin. Jews. He's the best, dude. He's the fucking best. Is he number one or what? You guys, I think, y'all's personalities in New York are so fun. dude louie was just in town jim norton was here yeah did you have louis and jim come on in the show

Starting point is 00:51:08 yeah yeah and it was just like oh dude jim norton jim norton i've been you know you and i met each other by jim norton opie and anthony dude you would go way back and it and then and then half the people used to do the show with are dead for all fucking everybody just dropping dead vick henley yep chef carl ruys damn sucks but you know rest in peace but they um but jim dude he's this bit, him and Anthony Coomia did this bit the other day that, oh my, I mean, they like reposted. I had to text Jim, like I almost crashed my car from laughing because by the way, like, you know, love this pod, but you know how like we do this, like this is our profession and even sometimes comedy can't be as cathartic for us as it is for the audience because like we get stuck in,

Starting point is 00:51:59 in, you know, if you listen to some dope comedian or like you laugh. but you're like, man, you kind of have this self-reflection, like, I should be better, blah, blah, blah. Jim Norton's got a new pod called Jim Norton's pod Can't Save You. And it's, I listen to it like I'm an audience member. Like, it's my cathartic, like I wait each week. I listen to the episodes when they have the episodes on that, an episode old school one with Colin Quinn and Rich Voss, where it's like that old Opie and Anthony energy, like from the early 2000s, it just hits me in a way where I'm like, oh, this is,

Starting point is 00:52:33 the gift of comedy like i was going you know if you're going through stuff in your life you're depressed you're sad you need to laugh that's the pot i go to i'm gonna start let's jim norton can't save you it's one it to me it's it's like jim and all his glory but this bit i came across it and i was dying i kissed my friend's grandmother which i know is trying to all right and it was like it was like it was like a little peck in our lips touched and uh i'd be lying whose lips were thinner and dryer you have a little contest I would be lying if I said I wasn't turned on I was a little turned on

Starting point is 00:53:07 I like to taste of geratol I couldn't do anything about it because I'm like you know then they close the list that's awesome that's my you know I don't know when I had closed the lid, it just hit me because I thought the bit was just about kissing his cramble.

Starting point is 00:53:33 But that's the kind of humor that I like. And I used to, it used to be one of those things where, you know, I understand this subjectivity of comedy now and how if I think it's really funny and you don't or vice versa, like that's just okay. Like I used to get upset

Starting point is 00:53:49 if I saw not the whole audience laughing where now I'm just like, oh, okay, that's, comedy can't be for everybody. Everybody's comedy He can't be for everybody all the time. So I'm accepting of that now. Yeah, just like this is where I'm, yeah, if I'm still trying to make something for everybody,

Starting point is 00:54:04 then that's not going to be great, trying to just be true to myself the best I can. Yeah, but those guys are, I mean, those guys are funny at a level that's way funnier than I feel like, I mean, way funnier than I'll ever be and way funnier than I think we are now. I think you always feel like the generation before you is funnier. Well, like if you sit at the comedy cell

Starting point is 00:54:23 and you ever get stuck at the back table with Jim Norton, Colin, Colin, and Rich Voss, those guys, and they start hammering jokes, and then it comes to you, and nine times out of ten, I don't have anything to say. And then you just get abused. And you realize, hey, with this game, it's ticket sales, money, fame, fortune, all those things are whatever. There's a part of it. That's great.

Starting point is 00:54:43 But it's like, just pound for pound. I've never seen a group that can hit it like those guys hit it. I've never seen a group that that 90s, 2000s, tough crowd, New York. Keith Robinson. Yep, Keith Robinson, all those guys, old school. Nick DePaulo. Patrice O'Neill passed away. You know, I never met Patrice, but he was, you know, obviously amazing. Geraldo, those old school New York guys. Can't even imagine. Yeah, because it was a time where I was like, you know, people, you know, you. And Schumer was in there. She was so

Starting point is 00:55:13 funny. She was with that crew, yeah. I mean, she was so good. You know, and now I feel like with comedy, I feel like, you know, it's just, things are different now. And I just kind of just do But, you know, we have like these niche little audiences. I've convinced myself at times to try to be happier with less. You know, I'm trying. Dude, I was getting a massage the other day and it was by a man. I prefer a man a lot of time. 100%.

Starting point is 00:55:43 I don't, like. But he doesn't do the happy ending, though. You don't go that far with the guy. I don't let anybody have any. I'm not driving across town to some loser can jerk me off and I can do it myself at home. I'm not going to do it. And no offense, if you're a masseuse, you're not a loser or whatever. I don't mean that

Starting point is 00:55:57 I just mean like The places I go It's not like Nobody's been to a school Or like in a beauty school You know there's not a hot rock In the room unless it's fucking Unless it's in an eight ball

Starting point is 00:56:07 In somebody's pocket You know there's no It's not that kind of shit It's just like The light bulbs kind of work And somebody will fucking run up your back You don't know if it's a bug Or a little Vietnamese woman

Starting point is 00:56:17 But it helps you relax Same thing Yeah No I'm kidding And then I don't help you relax No dude I had an uncle who fought in the war Oh, dude, I don't give a shit.

Starting point is 00:56:28 I haven't decided what side I'm on. Right. But here's the thing. It's like, I went in there and the guy, I paid him up front. This guy's such a great guy. And I go to two massage places. There's one in Westwood that I go to in Los Angeles. It's called Siri Foot Spa.

Starting point is 00:56:44 And it's amazing. And then there's one in Nashville that I go to called Crest Foot Spa. Nice. Why did it have to be a foot spa? Like, what is that about a foot spa? Because you just get the feet done? No, but I'm just saying if they'll get any of your feet. feet, they'll get into the rest of you. That's true, dude. You know what I'm saying? If you start

Starting point is 00:56:59 with how, you know, they say you don't know a man until you walk a mile in his shoes, but if you're able to knuckle the history out of a man's feet, 100%, then you know a man. Yes, sir, my toes, I got my toe next to my big toe just crosses over like that. They're called hammer toes. And I was telling my wife, I was like, I need a paternity test on that baby. And I was saying it like that. While she was giving birth, I was like, I need, I need to know that mine. Oh, for sure. Yeah. And she, and I kept saying that, and And then they slapped me, she slapped me, my girl, in the middle of the childbirth. And she was like, look at that baby's feet. Right.

Starting point is 00:57:34 And then my daughter has the same toes as me do. They're crossed over. With Said? I like that. But so my daughter, so I feel bad because my daughter, because my wife's feet are very flat, like a princess Fiona foot. And then my toes are crossed over. And I'm just hoping that my daughters don't have a mix of both our feet because girls should have nice feet. Guys, it doesn't matter if your feet are.

Starting point is 00:57:55 My feet look like that. My feet look like they're on the wrong leg. Like my right foot's on my left and my left foot's on my right. That's what it feels like. Yeah, you've got toes in different area. Yeah, dude, it's shit-headed. Yeah, it's bad. Yeah, somebody gives you directions.

Starting point is 00:58:09 You're still fucked. Yeah, yeah. My feet will go the wrong way. It's like you never get like wet your iPhone and it's like you're hitting a thing and it's going over there. That's what my feet are. They're like wet iPhones. Yeah, you're like soaking your feet in rice at night. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:58:23 Trying to get them calibrated. Yeah, dude. but yo speak i i need to get work start working on the massages and the care part of it man can't just go in and do push-off pull-ups and sit-ups at our age anymore it's like you need the care you need a massage a week is it is that what the numbers are for you like right now this week i'm trying to get extra one is just like um i got a couple busy weeks coming up and so i just got to like now's the time i got to tap in and just see if i can you know make sure i'm taking care of myself and i'm fortunate enough to be able to do it right like i know some guys they

Starting point is 00:58:52 have families they're working every day you know like You know, they work, like, daytime hour, so it's hard to find time to go. So, yeah, I just feel lucky that I'm able to go do it. But, yeah, I like to go into that joint where it's low-key, dude. They used to have a place in L.A., give it do $40. Two Vets would fucking beat the shit out of you with the fucking nose off. I don't know. I didn't see their cocks, but I didn't.

Starting point is 00:59:15 Like, one of them looked heavy. Yeah. Or he looked like his stomach was tight because it was moving around a big cock. You ever see somebody like that? 100%, dude. Like, not even in good shape. But you see their abs. And then you see, like, oh, he's fucking, he's carrying, you know.

Starting point is 00:59:26 Yeah. He's got a couple pallets full on him. Kobayashi, the hot dog eating champion. He was always shredded because he had that, you know? He's got that thing on him, you think? He's got that, 100%. He's got that Nathan's. Oh, that Nathan's is long and lean.

Starting point is 00:59:40 Yeah, full of nitrates. $1 plus tax for a smooth, small premium roast coffee at McDonald's? That means rich, full-bodied flavor? At a price that's just as satisfied. Must be McAfee. Enjoy a small, make-afei premium roast. coffee for just one dollar plus tax at participating macdonalds in canada prices exclude delivery there's a reason why ufc fighters always win at punch buggy on a family road trip just like there's a reason why

Starting point is 01:00:06 morgan and morgan is america's largest injury law firm because they both got that dog in them with over twenty five billion dollars recovered for over five hundred thousand clients morgan and morgan has a proven track record of fighting to get you full and fair compensation. In Pennsylvania, a client was awarded $26 million, a staggering 40 times the insurance company's original offer of $650,000. Yep, when you're hiring the wrong law firm, you may be beat before you start. All law firms are not the same. If you're ever injured, you can check out Morgan and Morgan.

Starting point is 01:00:50 Their fee is free unless they win. For more information, you can go to for the people.com slash Theo or dial pound law, pound 529 from your cell phone. That's F-O-R-the-people.com slash Theo or pound L-AW pound 529 from your cell. This is a paid advertisement. Yo, I knew you weren't going to, I knew, I knew you weren't in L.A. You were an L.A. guy, but I knew that you were going to come back home. You did? you were going to come back home. Yeah, because I feel like, I just feel like you, um, you belong here.

Starting point is 01:01:28 I'm not from here. No, no, but in the, oh, in the realm here? Yes. Oh, yeah. Yeah, man, I think you're right. You belong in like a 200 mile radius and it's here. I feel, I feel really nice here. I feel lucky to be here. I feel like we're in a, like, I do feel like Tennessee is like a place that, uh, it's caring. It feels more normal. And it's like, and it's fun. And it's like, I don't know, everything doesn't feel like it's for sale. Yeah, like it feels there's a genuineness to it all here where not everything is about entertainment here. You could, you know what I mean? Like, you're an entertainer, but your neighbor's probably not.

Starting point is 01:02:07 Yeah. We're in L.A. your neighbor probably is. Or if they weren't at some point, they wanted to be. So it's a tough thing to always be around that. Well, in Hollywood, I think, I mean, Hollywood's even losing a lot of the film ministry. Bring up what's causing production to leave Los Angeles. Tax credits, AI, earthquakes, tsunamis.

Starting point is 01:02:30 Dude, Beverly Hills looks like Saudi Arabia. Let me see. States like Georgia, New Mexico and Nevada, plus countries such as Canada and the U.K., offer healthier tax incentives. The cost of living and operating in Los Angeles has significantly increased. Hollywood endured major strikes because of, and a lot of that's because of greed, the aftermath of COVID-19, which a lot of them helped push through the fucking celebrities and bullshit.

Starting point is 01:02:55 So it's nice just to see a lot of this shit coming back in a bite people in the ass. Studios are cutting production budgets and scaling back local projects due to declining streaming numbers, reduced programming by networks, and a fallen box office revenues. Wildfires, I mean, yeah, they, dude, the fact that they didn't even have water in that reservoir, the fact that there's issues with like hundreds of millions of dollars they've raised fire aid that's not even going to people that have out it's like what is even going on that place just feels like such a scam and I think people with uh heartbeat you're starting to kind realize it and now I don't mean like that's just Hollywood I'm saying I'm not talking about the

Starting point is 01:03:31 people really that are there I mean they know what who I'm talking about but it's not like the everyday people that that's just there that's hustling that love their neighborhoods and shit I'm not talking about that right right yeah yeah oh L-A-O-Gs yeah I'm just talking about how Hollywood how they're losing that industry And yeah, and maybe some guy like Mom Donnie will come along there and they'll start to like, you know, it'd be nice to see eventually that people that don't have all the means get to have more of the things, you know? Right, right. Because it starts to get gluttonous and it starts to get kind of sick. Well, it starts and then you look back at history.

Starting point is 01:04:06 That's why I love history so much and do the history pod because you look back at like the French Revolution, right? In the 1790s, that's what happened, man, is the wage gap starting to get. get crazy. And the rich just kept getting richer. And then one, and then they just stormed the Bastille. And they cut off the king and queen's head. Marie Antoinette, let him eat cake. But she supposedly didn't say that. Well, she definitely didn't say that. But, and then they cut off the king, King Louis Dome Piece. In the beginning, if you ever seen the movie Napoleon with Joaquin Phoenix, that's the first scene that they show. And that's, that wage gap is starting to broaden just like them days now. Dude, I want to be on a horse with the revolutionaries. Yes. And I know

Starting point is 01:04:47 that I've made money in my life now and it's different but I'll never have money in my heart and yeah I want to do some things that towards the end of this year and next year that are gonna start to like create ways

Starting point is 01:04:57 to like give back help people like figure things out you know you should buy your whole neighborhood solar roofs solar panel Tesla roofs nah people in my neighborhood are fine

Starting point is 01:05:06 they'll be okay go buy for the in the hood then they don't they're gonna fucking charge their guns at night no but I think there is great ways but I don't know I thought about going back to my old neighborhood

Starting point is 01:05:17 We got a bunch of cool stuff in the coffers, and some of that's just jokes. Dude. Did you see that Roe Kana, he's a Democratic congressman from California? Okay. And Thomas Massey, who's like the, who drove here in a truck that he lives in. It's so crazy. Bro, parked it outside. I'm in that bitch drinking fucking raw milk with him that he got out of a goat by his home.

Starting point is 01:05:40 Oh, yeah. Did you get sick after? I mean, I didn't get well. You know what I'm saying? I, my eyes wouldn't open that far in the morning. They opened, but just not that far. But anyway, they come up with this petition. It's a bipartisan effort, it says right here.

Starting point is 01:05:55 In the U.S. House of Representatives launched in September to force a vote on releasing all federal files related to the Jeffrey Epstein case. The petition takes the form of a discharge petition, which allows a resolution or build a bypass regular committee procedures and be brought directly to the House floor for a vote. I mean, don't you think it's crazy that they won't release this? What do you, like, do you have a take on what do you think is going on with all this? With the Epstein stuff? Yeah, I mean, it just seems like, how could they not, like, does it feel like our government is protecting pedophiles to you?

Starting point is 01:06:26 I mean, probably, but again, I don't know because there's so much mismatch. Like, there's so many things happening here. So you look here and vice versa that I really don't know because, you know, the whole thing was about those missing second or second or one or two seconds of the Epstein tape. and then the government just released the tape unedited, and there's nothing that happens in those two seconds. So there's nobody that came in or came out of it. Now, could there be some more advanced technology? We don't even know about it.

Starting point is 01:06:55 They're just making things happen, probably, but I don't know. I really don't know. I try, there are times where I find myself going down a rabbit hole of it, and then I try to take myself out and say, how does that, even if they are protecting pedophiles, how does that help me or hurt me in any way, shape, or form? It's like, dude, just go make your kid in avocado toast. just go literally try to

Starting point is 01:07:16 Right, do the next right thing I just try to make it small I try to make my life small now man I'm like I don't know dude I don't know Epstein I don't know Trump I've never met these people so I can't have them affecting my life on a daily basis I'm like

Starting point is 01:07:30 What are my kids gonna do man I'm like you know like That's what's important Should I help yeah how can I help my kids learn You know we my stepson can't You know he's the way he throws a baseball It's like we gotta fix that Oh yeah

Starting point is 01:07:43 You know my daughter You know, she wants to do cheerleading And she keeps falling off the pyramid So I'm like, you know, man, I want to do I want to get into this But I'm also like, I don't have time Dude, like one of my kids is eight years old And still in a diaper.

Starting point is 01:07:59 So I got to fix that. You know what I mean? So that's what I do. And either none of us do it or all of us do it. That's what I say. I tell my, you know, I don't tell my kids that. I tell my kids other gems where I'm like, do the right thing, even if nobody's looking.

Starting point is 01:08:12 Do the right thing. You do the right thing. thing even when no one's looking like spikely exactly so you do the right thing even when no one's looking so you know what i mean and that's what my and that's what my daughter i think that's what my daughter does i mean you know with the whole ice stuff oh i think it's obviously at least she's involved and at least she has some political or social awareness that's what i don't right but you you have to make time so that they do exactly so i keep the space i'm going to pivot right here i want to talk about you, because last time you were on, we had an extensive conversation.

Starting point is 01:08:45 I think it was Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day was coming up and we talked about love. And we literally talked about it for about two hours. You got engaged finally. For the second time, is that right? Second time. First time we did it, it was like, you know, because we had a baby so quick and I wanted to do it, but it was really just Catholic guilt wanting to do it.

Starting point is 01:09:03 And then we split up for a while. And that's what happened sometimes. You split up with someone. And then, you know, you kind of realize. what you got. You know that's saying. You don't know what you got until it's gone. And then so that's what Jazz and I have been together now for Jesus, 11, 12 years. And, you know, we're getting engaged

Starting point is 01:09:23 because we got engaged because, you know, we got kids, you know, we got three kids. Yeah, and you're a family now. We're a family now. And I said what, like my... You're three kids or two kids? Well, two biological and one... And one extra kid. One extra kid, right? Do you believe... How does love... Love change over time for you guys. How is it changed? Well, I realize that it's not a feeling.

Starting point is 01:09:46 It's in action. That's how it's evolved to me. Tell me about that a little bit. You've heard that before that love is an action. Wait, like, tell me a little more. Meaning like, to me, the first sense that I felt any time I ever saw, what I felt when I first saw Jasmine. I remember you told me at a bar, you guys went at a place.

Starting point is 01:10:04 It was, yeah. It was a volleyball bar. Yeah, called Place to Beach in Brooklyn. Yeah, it was a pun. And I, yeah. And then I fell, and they got shut down because they were selling the fake vaccine card. Oh, yeah, first of all, dude, look, yeah. There's nothing like meeting an illegal alien at a fake vaccine card shop.

Starting point is 01:10:23 Yeah, it's amazing. If your marriage doesn't start out like that in America, then fuck you, I think. So she, um, so I felt this feeling like when I saw her, like she like stopped me in my tracks. Like this like feeling I can't, I still. Like indigestion or somebody, but in your legs. No, yeah, I thought I was having a heart attack. I thought maybe because me and my boy Pat we were in like so much pepperoni

Starting point is 01:10:43 and so I was like oh maybe it's that maybe it's finally catching up to me a peptobismol nothing worked and then so and so I realized like that was like I thought that was love but that was more of like an infatuation that was more of like a lust

Starting point is 01:10:56 that was more like me just taken in by her beauty like the you know that and so that's powerful that's necessary and then I went through with that feeling for years thinking like that was love and then we would have all these problems and I was always looking for something else I was always pushing her away, then I'd get closer.

Starting point is 01:11:12 She'd push me away and all these things. And I realized like, oh, these are just, that wasn't love. Love to me was in action. What I realized was all these years later that the real love was her and I coming back together after, you know, a big fight. Her showing me so much loyalty, me showing her loyalty, her being there for me when the things were not going well for me. All those things were, that's the love. the action, love is an action. And I, and I see her do that for me, because I used to think, I used to think that she, you know, I would always be searching in my, my brain being a bit

Starting point is 01:11:53 of a perfectionist, as, you know, we all are, I think, in comedy, like we always want everything to go right. I would always say, oh, you know, she's not, she's not perfect. So I got to, you're looking for something else. Your brain is always like, what's the next best thing? What's the next best thing? And then, you know, at some point to you, you say, okay, I can go get this or get that, and then looking for what's perfect, what's perfect. And then I realized at some point it hit me, I was like, oh, she actually is perfect because she's taking me in from all my imperfections. She's understanding how imperfect I am and still accepting me anyway.

Starting point is 01:12:27 So that is like someone who's perfect because a lot of people wouldn't do that. A lot of people would have just thrown me to the side by now and been like, hey, figure it out. Because she knows I love my kids. She knows I'm always going to take care of her. right you know so it wasn't about the money it wasn't about oh i need a man on my life it's about specifically me she's taking me in for my imperfection so for me that that makes her perfect to me and and after all these years i've realized that all that and the action of love and and you know what we have with our children and building a family like there's nothing that your life is

Starting point is 01:12:58 happening right now and i have like a perfect life right now and i don't live in the zero-sum game anymore. It used to be, if my career was down, I'd be unhappy. If I wasn't feeling in, if I was feeling out of shape, I'd be unhappy. One thing could make it all unhappy because I was playing zero sum. It's either all or nothing. I don't do that anymore. I'll say some things in my life are up and down, everybody's life. It's all, it's all in flux. How were you able to adjust that? Like, was there something that happened that made you sort of see that? Because that's pretty powerful to hear about, man. Because, yeah, I think I've, I've certainly had that. Like, one thing will affect kind of how I operate for the rest of the day and then, or affects how I

Starting point is 01:13:33 think about myself. Well, I think children, that's why it's important. You know, in my life, personally, people do what they want. But for me, abort or your kids, whatever you want to do. In New York City, you could kill them all up, I think till they're 18. I think you can have legal abortions. That's what AOC said. Oh, you can send a kid of Gaza and Israel kill them. Mom Donnie's going to make a 21, he said. Is he? That's what he said. That's what the platform. Some people are voting for that. You can abortions up to their kids are 21. So, but what I felt like, you know, how I learned all that is literally just by like listening to my kids and and watching what my kids kind of want for me and expect for me and I realize that you know you could spend your whole life

Starting point is 01:14:15 thinking about oh what's going to happen tomorrow always being you know always being um you know there's something's better going something's better on the horizon you can spend your whole life like and then your whole life goes by so I realized to like be in the like nothing's better to me like well, it's better than, you know, a Lamborghini or selling out a world tour or having sex with the hottest girls. Like, you know, just sitting in the grass with your kids, like that.

Starting point is 01:14:39 And it's not for everybody. And also at times, it's not even for me. At times, I'm sitting in the grass with my kids, I'm like, this sucks. I want to go driving a Lamborghini. But it's on a zero-sum game. Exactly. But those moments that I do have

Starting point is 01:14:52 when I am fully locked in, I'm always chasing that. If I'm chasing one thing, I'm always chasing that with these, I've had feeling throughout my life of being locked in, with my family. I've never had a euphoria is like that. I've never been happier than that. And it doesn't happen all the time. At times, I'm home with my family trying to say, find that feeling,

Starting point is 01:15:09 and I just can't, you know, find it. But I don't beat myself up about it anymore. I'm like, yo, just keep coming. Janice and I, Janice talks to me a lot about going back, life is coming back to the present. Always come back to the present. Always come back to the moment. That's your job. Come back to the moment. As much as you can throughout the day, come back to the moment because it's all happening. Now, I try to be where my feet are. Like there was a time when I was talking to you the last time we spoke about love and on Valentine's Day, half of my brain was with you and then half of my brain was probably back home with my kids or, you know, what I was doing after that or my show. But now I'm fully locked in just with you. I've, that's one thing I have definitely can feel I've gotten better. I just, I'm where my feet are. I'm fully with you right now. And then when I leave, I'll fully be with, you know, the driver. And then I'll, and then, you know, when I speak to my family, I'll fully be with an Asian dude. in the bathroom at BNA Airport, baby, right? Because it's got Viet Cong,

Starting point is 01:16:04 that Viet Cong's getting me, yeah, I got those camera shoes. So that's how I feel. I don't know if I've explained it correctly. Round trip to Saigon. Yeah, Guantanamo Bay. So I don't know if I explained it right. No, I think you did.

Starting point is 01:16:16 That's what it is. Well, I think it's funny when you say something that, it's like, yeah, I let my mind like, I'll have a thought, and then my mind will multiply it. Right. Kind of, I'll have a feeling or one bad thing will happen,

Starting point is 01:16:29 something that's not my favorite. Well, because the brain is going to go towards connections. That's the connective tissue. That's why they say those mushrooms or acid. One of them is good because they say it wipes away your... Opioids. I can't remember. Which one is it?

Starting point is 01:16:40 That's what they say, one of them. Something on Joe Rogan said that. Yeah. I don't know. But that feeling, it's like this thing where I thought, I was thinking about this the other day, like the, you know, like to be happy. Me and Yonis were having a conversation about this, and he had different feelings. But I was kind of saying, like, you know, faith to have.

Starting point is 01:16:59 You got to have faith. Like, you know, people talk about hope and all that, but I feel like faith is, to me, it's better. Like, faith is on a creator and, like, hope is just. Hope is just gay faith. It's just, exactly. Hope is gay faith. That's the merch.

Starting point is 01:17:12 So faith, so you got to have faith that, like, tomorrow will be better. So it kind of goes against what I just said. But on the same hand, it's like simultaneously, I think this balance of life is have faith. You know, we had to get out of the caves, basically, as, you know, Neanderthals. We were getting at it. You have to get out of the cave, like to go survive and advance and all that. So it's like you've got to have this faith that there's a better life outside the cave by also acknowledging simultaneously that what you have in the cave is enough.

Starting point is 01:17:41 So it's a delicate life is just bounce. You know what I mean? Dude, my uncle, he used to tickle us, right? And the only way he had him to stop, you had to say the N-word to get him to stop. Right, right. That's my same uncle like that. And the only way you say, it's not tickle, but you say the N-word is the only way to get him to come. so when he asked because he wants to give

Starting point is 01:17:59 you know like donate a sperm Oh so he wouldn't be able to do it The prostate wouldn't work nothing so but because he's got such potent sperm So if you yelled the N word he'd bust the nut And then that's how he was able to give back to his community By helping some of the ladies who were infertile make more babies Oh, you yell the NWords to the whites will pop out you know They're like what's going on out there

Starting point is 01:18:19 Right He's black Your uncle's black? Yeah, that's good I have one black uncle I actually have a Puerto Rican uncle for real. He passed away. He was dope, dude. He, um, true story. Somebody robbed my mom coming down the block and they were robbing women taking their purses. They took my mom's purse and multiple other

Starting point is 01:18:41 ladies' purses and then they would sell, uh, you know, like take their money and it was running out of the back of a bodega that, you know, they had like steal their money, sell their stuff, whatever, sell their license, I don't know. And my uncle would go to that bodega and drink beers and chill and he heard them talking in Spanish about oh they just took this lady's purse and he was saying like to himself he's like oh I think I think that's my sister-in-law right so he didn't like this guy already so they got drunk and then he brought him he had a whole um craft like a like a like a tool shed in my garage and he had uh he took this guy back to the garage he thought they was just going to drink beers or whatever and then he tied him up and he put on a welding mask and he welded the skin off his knees

Starting point is 01:19:23 for stealing from my mom and then he gave my mom all her money back and all that. And he had fossilized this guy's knee skin. Fuck. Dead serious. He was crazy, dude. And he would drive me to school. I don't know if I want you here anymore.

Starting point is 01:19:36 He would drive me to school. He's dead, though, that guy. Yeah. I mean, I was a little kid. They didn't tell me until I was an adult. I don't, I feel bad for everybody in that. Right. Yeah, but the guy was robbing purses.

Starting point is 01:19:47 He didn't kill him. He just melted the skin off his knees. I think sometimes you got to have some serious measures. Yeah, man, I, you know, I like finding that yeah finding love and committing to it and realizing that the rest of the stuff is distraction you know

Starting point is 01:20:03 yeah but also too I mean I say all that stuff but I also don't know what the fuck I'm talking about right but you know what you're talking about for you when you're trying your best I don't think you can say that you know what you know what I've been saying no but you know what I've been realizing too like just about me I mean like you know

Starting point is 01:20:16 because I'm only me like there's moments of the day almost every day where I'll have some like intuitive I'll say something like so intuitive and tight, but I'll say it, like, only once in a while does that get captured on the camera. Like, when I'm supposed to be doing my job here, I'm just babbling, I don't know what I'm talking about, but I'll, like, get on the plane tonight and have a conversation with the person next to me, and it'll be, like, next level on.

Starting point is 01:20:44 And so I wonder about that. No, I think people sometimes... You ever do that? Oh, yeah, I have conversations in my head. I'll listen back. I'll, after I get, like, I'll be listening to the edit of an episode is watching through. And, and I'm like, why didn't I ask that?

Starting point is 01:21:03 They should have asked this. That's insane not to ask that right there. But I think it's just where your brain is and what you can handle and what you, like, do and take on at the moment. Oh, did you see, there's a clip of a woman took a man into the mall and made him walk. He cheated, and she made him walk. With a sign on, do you see that?

Starting point is 01:21:23 No, but this is awesome. Feel free. He's a cheetah. Cheetah! Cheetah! And this guy's a sign on, it says, I had a two-year affair. Ask me how, it says. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:21:38 Ask me how. He had a two-year affair while I had his second baby. We intentionally had a second baby, and he was having an affair the whole time. This feels real to me, do you? Yeah, it feels real. But to me, it's like. Is this valuable, do you think? Is this the kind of stuff we need to keep marriages together?

Starting point is 01:21:55 No, I would, I would, you know, get a divorce, dude. You don't want to be with her. Well, he should have gotten a divorce than to go ahead and have a more family. The good thing about, like, you know, my lady is if that, you know, if I ever had a two-year affair, which I haven't. But if I ever had a two-year affair, she would never do this. She would punch me directly in my spleen. Yeah. She would, that's what would happen for that.

Starting point is 01:22:18 Like, she would find an organ. And she's lefty. Other fly weights are welterwees. I would hit it with the, probably with the ring on. So she'd hit me hard in the spleen, pancreas, something like that. And she would just, that's what I would do. And I have kind of shit blood or piss blood. Like an Irish Mickey Ward for a little while, yeah.

Starting point is 01:22:32 But then she would probably make me plantinose or some, you know, dish, the Maduro, the smashed plantinos. She would make it for me maybe a couple of nights later. Yeah. She'd be all right. But see, like what this is, like, this I don't like, you know. And also, I mean, there's a part of me that also doesn't believe it. I just, because of how much content is out there, I just don't believe that it. I just don't believe that it's always real.

Starting point is 01:22:52 But, you know, she... Why would he go do this? She just, if it's not real, her acting is pretty good in this video. Well, he's, you know, I mean, he, I mean, yeah, that's bitch boy behavior. I mean, I would never... Well, here's the thing. They brought the baby. Is the baby real?

Starting point is 01:23:07 Can you zoom in and see if the baby's moving at all? Is that, yeah, I don't know. It doesn't even look like there's a baby in there. Oh, there is his feet. So that's pretty real. Who's going to give somebody a fake baby? baby to go make this? Yeah, and that's kind of whack, like if you got to see your parents.

Starting point is 01:23:23 I don't think, I mean, I get what she's trying to do, but it's whack all around. I mean, he's whack, she's whacked. They both just look like they suck. And they both do look like prototypical podcast fans. These are exactly what the fans of the podcast look like. These kinds of people, you've got a fat older lady and just a skinny guy who looks kind of dirty. She's not even older.

Starting point is 01:23:41 Yes, she is. What? She's 25. Too old, baby. Wow, bro. To, oh, oh, you owe. But what did she tell him? You have to do this or what?

Starting point is 01:23:54 She probably said, you have to do this or what, or I'm going to like, well, see, that's the thing. Because normally it's like, oh, or I'll tweet out your messages, I'll contact this girl. I see. So whatever, she was going to maybe blast him. Yeah, but this is worse. I'd rather that. I'd rather, I'd rather that. Then go ahead, tell everyone you've ever met because I don't want to do this.

Starting point is 01:24:14 Yeah. I don't believe. And I bet you if you scroll through the comments, most people are saying this isn't real. Let's see. I don't think it's real. Let me see. She entirely, I'm asking that her husband. She should have just left him.

Starting point is 01:24:28 Do you believe, like, how many of these comments do you think are real people? And have you ever commented, like, on a video? You're right. It's all a mirage. Right? Like, I feel like it's getting to the point now where it might be, like, over 50% of the people that comment on your stuff or bots. Well, especially with AI, it's like they can make so many things or bots. Like, AI is so capable of, like, act more human.

Starting point is 01:24:49 And when you comment, like, you can do all that. It's like, we're watching a, like, it's kind of crazy to think that our reality has become science fiction. Right. But it's the reality on the social media platforms and on the internet. Is science fiction? No, our reality has become fiction. But then what's science fiction? Smart fiction.

Starting point is 01:25:11 Which this is, which it really is because it's definitely like tricks us a lot. Right, dude. I know, yeah. I don't, I don't know, dude. I know Jesse Smollett's probably innocent. I watch a Netflix documentary. Oh, do you think I could play Jesse Smollett in a biopic? Well, I told you, especially from the future, because as you said, in the beginning of the show, you're a black woman from the future. So I think that you could. And I think that you could play

Starting point is 01:25:35 Jesse Smolet and you could play the attackers within Nigerian dudes. I think you play any of those three. I think you're a good actor. Thanks, dude. Even though I've never seen you act, but I have a feeling that you're a good actor. Feelings mean a lot. Dude, remember when you said on Opie and Anthony or the Opie show all those years ago

Starting point is 01:25:53 that I looked like a deaf guy that goes to the gym? But we had so much fun in there. And you know it was crazy too to watch that video? If you ever like, you, more you. Like you watch that, you could watch that clip

Starting point is 01:26:06 and, you know, just think about like at that point your career, like you were kind of struggling. Oh, yeah. Well, you said you were struggling. We thought, you know, you were like,

Starting point is 01:26:15 I remember us going, and have lunch, and you were like, man, like there was, I think you had done a show the next weekend in Sacramento Punchdown, you had forgotten your pants. Yeah. And you had to take the opener's pants. Oh, yes. Don, the guy, Don, DePetta, you had to take his pants. I remember that. Yeah, because you didn't have pants, dude, and you wouldn't sell barely any tickets at the Sacramento Punchline and then blew up. That was so much fun going in there. Dude, going in there in the morning, going in that building and getting to go in there. Oh, it was great. And there was like, you were in there. Bobby Lee used to go in there and eat bull dick.

Starting point is 01:26:45 There were heroes in there Bobby ate Bulldick Yes he ate Bulldick on Opie's show I don't know if you were on the show Yeah there's video of it Him eating Bulldick And then Howard Stern was there Remember he was down the hall

Starting point is 01:26:56 That you know that New York Sirius XM building It's not like that at all anymore There's like a ghost There's nobody I mean Opie and Anthony It's not even a show anymore Jim doesn't have a show anymore

Starting point is 01:27:04 Howard Stern still has a show But he never goes in Sway in the morning All those shows nobody goes in anymore I think we gotta start going into the buildings again I don't like oh it like I don't think working from home is, I don't know that it's going to last.

Starting point is 01:27:17 But here we are doing it. Let's pull up this one clip right there. Bobby's bold testicle. Yeah, I was here for there. And the chef did put olive oil and some salt on it. Ooh. Wow, this was 10 years ago. See?

Starting point is 01:27:29 It's not gay, though, is it? Oh. Bobby. Is that real? That's real, dude. I was sitting across. Then he ran out. That's so gay.

Starting point is 01:27:41 It's not gay if you're starving, dude. You're starving. And this was before. bad friends. He was also at this time in 2016 telling me his career was, felt like dead in the water. And now look how things can change.

Starting point is 01:27:55 He's one of the best bad friends you could have right there. Oh, he just pulled the nuts off of it. Wow. Yeah, he pulled the nuts. Oh, and he bit into him. He ate into the nuts. He vomited it. Yeah, I think he runs out of the, he runs out and I went after him and he was vomiting for real. Yeah, that's a Christmas carrot right there. Yeah, see, look, he ran out. He ran out. Yeah, yeah, yep. Yeah, he's dead now, Carl, unfortunately. I know. A lot of people pass with him. So it was

Starting point is 01:28:15 Vic Henley right there. Vic Henley, yeah, unfortunately. Well, I think the one thing that we can count on, man, is just love. It's like that's what you, I think, like, that's one of the messages I feel like from our conversation today. It's like, you know, there's a lot going on in the world. You focus on the things that are in front of you and the things you can handle. And that is really what's important.

Starting point is 01:28:33 Make your life a little smaller. That's what I try to tell my kids, man. There's so many things going on in the world. Yeah, take little breaks. It's like there's travesty happening all over the world. You can't fix everything, but you know what I mean? You could sweep up in front of your crib. You could sweep up in front of the house, take the garbage out, you know, tell your neighbors try not to be Nazis if they can.

Starting point is 01:28:50 You know what I mean? Yeah. Do the right thing even when nobody's watching. All that. Comparison is the thief of joy. Hope is my hedge. Faith are my facts. I am okay.

Starting point is 01:29:01 Hope is gay faith. Hope is gay faith. Faith is also a big time name for gay women. Gay-ass faith. Next time we talk, we should talk about how certain names, to lead people down certain sexual paths. My name, well, Christopher, my dad, he purposely calls me Christopher and not Chris because he believes that if a man goes with their full first name, that means they're gay.

Starting point is 01:29:27 So he will, he basically calls me gay. I guess he's a joke, but he calls me Christopher, it's really like he's saying you're gay. Sorry, dude, I got to interrupt you, but we got to, you have to go, are you going to miss your play? I've got to go, I'm going to go to Chicago, dude. Dude, I love you History Hyenas is back People can check it out

Starting point is 01:29:45 You're on tour With some tour dates We'll make sure we put them all up And talk about them in the beginning And I love you, man Good to see you. Love you, brother, you too, man Now I'm just floating

Starting point is 01:29:54 On the breeze And I feel I'm falling Like these leaves I must be Cornerstone Oh, but when I reach that ground I'll share this piece of mind I found I can feel it

Starting point is 01:30:10 In my bones, but it's going to tell you.

This Past Weekend - #609 - Chris Distefano

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