This Past Weekend - #685 - Joey Diaz

Episode Date: September 25, 2026

Joey Diaz is a stand-comedian and podcaster. Check out his show “The Church of What’s Happening Now”. Joey returns to talk about raising his daughter to be street-smart, how wounds from the past affected his return to New Jersey, and new endeavors he has planned for Austin.  Joey Diaz: https://www.instagram.com/madflavors_world ------------------------------------------------- Tour Dates! https://theovon.com/tour New Merch: https://www.theovonstore.com ------------------------------------------------- Sponsored By: Celsius: Go to the Celsius Amazon store to check out all of their flavors. #CELSIUSBrandPartner @CelsiusOfficial https://amzn.to/3HbAtPJ  Moonpay: https://moonpay.onelink.me/O2ia/t34p5kxg  Armra: Go to http://tryarmra.com/THEO or enter THEO to get 30% off your first order. Shopify: Take control of your income. Start your free trial at http://shopify.com/theo  Ladder: Head to http://ladder.fit/TPW to find the right plan for you, and get a free 7-day trial and $10 off your first month when you use my link! Better Help: This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Sign up and get 10% off BetterHelp at http://BetterHelp.com/Theo Perplexity AI: Ask anything at https://pplx.ai/theo  ------------------------------------------------- Music: “Shine” by Bishop Gunn Bishop Gunn - Shine ------------------------------------------------ Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to: [e-mail] Hit the Hotline: [phone] Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: https://www.theovon.com/fan-upload Mail stuff to:  ATTN: TPW PO BOX 40137 Nashville TN 37204 ------------------------------------------------ Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend X: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheoVonClips Shorts Channel: https://bit.ly/3ClUj8z ------------------------------------------------ Producer: Zach https://www.instagram.com/zachdpowers Producer: Trevyn https://www.instagram.com/trevyn.s/  Producer: Nick https://www.instagram.com/realnickdavis/ Producer: Andrew https://www.instagram.com/bleachmediaofficial/  Producer: Halston https://www.instagram.com/halstonrays/  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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You know him from the church of what's happening now. He's going to be popping up in Austin Moore, too, it looks like. I had a great time catching up with the great Joey Cocoa Diaz. Good to see you. What'd you end up doing last night? Did you go to Black's Burr? No, I didn't they get. Some guy freaking had a stroke over there in the audience or whatever.

some guy who fucking couldn't hold it or whatever had a heart attack and then and they had to start the show an hour late so I was going to stop over there because I'm staying right over by Gotham Comedy Club on 23rd, 22nd, 20th, 23rd. I won't you in town.

Until Monday, I'm going to go to the U.S. Open. Okay. I've never been before. It's a blast. You've been? No, because I don't want to sit there going like this. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

But if the cops come, that's my answer. But it's a great time. It's good to go up there. A lot of bitches. Really? A lot of bitches looking for fucking husbands because one of my friends said me up I was going to U.S.

Open. Wish me luck to find the husband. So, yeah, so I'm excited about that. But, dude, I was walking on here. Dude,

somebody drew us Tony Hinchcliff on a building here. Do you see that? No. Here in Asbury. Asbury's is what this called? Yeah, Asbury Park. Asbury Park.

Is that it? Look at that shit. Is that Tony Hinchler? For sure. I don't think so. Oh, that's him for sure. That's got to be him.

Dude, do you know, you know Bam Bam Bigelow's from here? Bam Bam, bam, the wrestler. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Somebody's from, did you ever meet him? No. Oh, no. Yeah, that's him right there.

That guy's from here. I had no idea. Wow, and he's older than I am. That guy. He dead? Oh, he could have fucking faked it. Oh, shit. And then was Scott.

That's a tough career being a wrestler, guys. Yeah. Because imagine, it's basically like being a comedian, but when you get there, you got to fight something like imagine you get on stage you got to fight somebody for a half hour I'm not worried about I'm worried about getting there and I'm like oh tonight you're bombing yeah yeah yeah yeah I don't know if you're bombing and somebody's gonna throw a chair on your head okay I feel better about myself yeah that's true dude fuck bro yeah a lot of my friends are at burning

man actually this week man did you ever go are you fucking crazy you don't go to that deal don't get involved in that. That's uply people and all that pussy skanking. You think? Four or five days without washing it, putting in a hole, not eating right, no vitamins out of the desert with sand crawling in your uterus. That ain't no good for your snatch dog. Dirty, filthy white chicks. Those are filthy white chicks, bro. 20 years ago, I'd be over there eating ass and get my dick suck, but now I'm too old. One of those diseases catches you're running, you end up with Lyme disease or something going to fucking bitches up there. Oh, dude, bro, I'll get Lyme disease in my lungs, dude, some of the shit I'm into, you know.

Those people crazy. They're six in the morning. They're out there. Damn, what are we? There's a war going on there. You want to dance in the desert? Yeah, yeah. Come on, bro.

Fucking, how lost to you? Somebody will have an ant-hill in their ass out there, dude. It's a lot, bro. You get the dust on it. And you'll see, like, one of those, like a woman who has an IUD in, but it's like a dream catcher version or whatever. It's like they got some wild shit out there. Yeah, they got shit to catch a boar.

Yeah. And they're snatching. But boy wants to go. It fucking stops it. Oh, you don't ever want to go to that. Oh, bro. You're trying to maintain a... They'll have a Falcon doing tarot cars and shit.

They got people on all kinds of shit out there. And they're all rich. Yeah. They're all rich. They're all trust funders. Don't believe that. Yeah, it's like going to a fancy club, but they move it out to the desert.

That's what it is. For the regular junkie that's out there, who took his bike out there, who drove freaking rode 200 miles from Laughlin to get over there or something. That motherfucker is going to have a tough time, I think. You know, they'll have a caterpillar out there, like, you know, like doing a Ouija board and shit. They got all kind of like- Are we taping? Huh? Are we taping? Yeah. Can we? I didn't know. I didn't know. For sure. No, I'll bring it in. No, I'll bring it.

But yeah, dude, it's fucking, it's a lot out there, man. It's a lot. Yeah, dude, I had one chance to go, but it was like my, my neighbor went and he was like, they had, uh, Diddy was out there. And I think, um, who else was out there? Like, it was like, fat Joe. maybe, I think, they said just people out there in the desert, Michael Strayhan. Yeah, but they're in the desert. They got fucking a van that picks them up and they get cooled off and shit. That's a big difference. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, they got an Inuit out there blowing cool, cool air on their back and shit.

Yeah. They're hooked up. Hooked up like a motherfucker. It's different, man. It's not for me. I don't want to be out there with sand and no showers. Yeah. I'm anti-anything where I can't wash my ass.

Yeah. You understand me? Like, for years, I wouldn't go camping. because listen, when I wake up in the morning, I got odors. You know, and I don't want them lasting all day. Yeah. You wake up with a stinky ass when you put shorts on and go back out, it just compounds. Yeah.

It just compounds. So I've never been into places without showers. Yeah. I got to take it. And then I met a girl and we used to go camping, but she would take me to those, you know, little places with it. It's a cheat camp. If you don't want to take a shower, you can bathe in the lake, but they got two showers over there. Oh, right there.

I'm in. Yeah. I don't mind cooking outside. I don't mind. fucking her outside. I didn't mind any of that. I just need a shower. Yeah.

Brush my teeth, you know. I don't like it if somebody sneaks off. They're like, I'm going for a little walk or something, but you know that they're going to shit somewhere or something. Like, you can't really hide like, you know, somebody's like, I'm going to go over here and look at something,

but you know that there's shit and or whatever. Listen, I know once a year, I'm going to shit somewhere. Yeah. Once a year, I'm, every year I have to shit once outside. Yeah. You're not going to make it as a human being. Maybe you do, but there's nights where, you know, I want to shit on the toilet.

Yeah. You know what I'm saying? I don't mind pulling it off one night. We got a shit in a hurry. Yeah. But again, I'm a toilet type of dude. You know what I'm saying?

I'm a little spoiled. Yeah, I'm a little spoiled. I grew up poor, but I'm a little spoiled. Yeah, I'm a little spoiled, bro. That's where I am. Dude, we're in your home area, bro, Asbury Park.

Yes, we are, brother. Well, it's awesome. Yeah, I grew up two hours from here. Oh, you did? Yeah, but I would come down at a concerts. They have a great, they used to have, or maybe they still do the Asbury Park Convention. convention center. And we were kids, the same people who played the garden, played that,

Leonard Skinner. It's on YouTube. Lenitz-Skinner tore up this motherfucker in 77. You know, I came down here to see in 1981, I came down here to see Iron Maiden opening up for Judas Priest. Wow. I came to another concert down here. I think I came down into a basketball camp. So I didn't really, I wasn't in this area growing up. I'm more in North Jersey and shit. Yeah, look at them. They fucking ripped it apart. this bitch. Wow. That's amazing. Was that the first concert you ever went to? No. No, I had gotten a concert just for like four years prior to that. I was maybe 17 when they threw the bottle out of us and I was like, all right. Yeah. I'm good. When they threw the bottle at you? Oh. Yeah, we got out of the car. We weren't even out of the car. I'm telling you. We fucking got hit with a

bottle. Some guy just threw a fucking beer bottle at us. We got out. We turned around. It was 10 brothers with no shirts on. I told you earlier. And I'm like, fuck you, this priest. We'll park on the other side. You know what I'm saying? Guess who else was at that concert? Jimmy Farrington, not knowing. I heard him on his radio show when you're talking about that show.

Because those motherfuckers used to throw smoke bombs at concerts. And I heard him talking about it. I'm like, I still remember that being a kid and having to cover your eyes because of the smoke bombs. He was the motherfucker doing the smoke bombs. And they threw him up. And his mother had to pick him up. He tells the whole fuck.

fucking story. He's a legend, dude. Oh, that's great, bro. I used to have such a good time with him on, um, on opium gym back in the day, man. Jim Florentine's a, he's a bastard. He's a good guy. He's my neighbor.

Is he? Two doors down. How do you think I ended up here? I called him and his sister-in-law sold me out. Oh, nice. He's got a great family. Does he? I call him the Florentine crime family.

Yeah. They don't stop. They don't, they do a party every 10 days, something. The family's so big. They got, they take concert. They go to like Miami Dolphin Games. They'll take 40 people with family. Wow.

They'll spend the whole weekend down there. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? It's not bad. It ain't for me because I work weekends. I got my daughter, but that's a great. My daughter plays softball on the weekend. Yeah, that's a great.

Yeah, that's a great life over there. Yeah, dude, I love Jersey, man. Jersey has some of the most entertaining women I've ever been around in my life, man. Yeah, they'll fucking talk a hero. Oh, yeah. They get, dude, yeah. And you got to put them on a, And they're interesting.

They're interesting to an extent. But I like, I was always, I always wanted to raise my daughter here. There was something about North Jersey that I learned a lot of lessons up there. Yeah. And I wanted her to at least, those lessons are all done today.

But I wanted her at least to feel what I felt. In a way, to a degree. She'll never, you know, feel the shittiness I felt. But that was part of when I left L.A. It was, I knew I was leaving in the life. That's what people never understood.

I was planning it. Before the pandemic, we were coming down here, April 4th to buy a house. I was coming in March, and then we were coming back together as a family in April. We're going to buy the house,

finish up the school year, and then move here that August. The pandemic just rushed it up and lit a fire under my, you know, it broke my heart to fucking leave, but it was time I had already, you know,

I felt that I had gotten the most I did out of L.A. Yeah. I'm 57. What else could possibly happen? You know, more happened than I anticipated. So I'm just going to take my winnings and leave. Yeah.

Why back it and start getting cocky? Let's shoot a pilot and let's drop 400. Get the fuck out of here. So that was my decision in moving here. Yeah. I think it's a beautiful place out here, man. I love even just driving over to here, bro. It's nice.

Like, we went through like countryside and stuff. Oh, yeah. Like there's a river right out of here. Yeah. Oh, there's rivers everywhere. Listen, I live in Central Jersey, which this is considered that on the borderline. So I got foxes in my backyard. I got raccoons.

I got fucking deer. I got, you know, and it's, this is why I like it. At this age for me, no. But if I would have came here when I was 42, for example, you buy a house in Central Jersey. And you just go, you know what? I'm going into the city on Tuesday. I'm going to do four spots. Because anything after four spots, it's a law diminishing returns.

I agree. two, three, four spots, and get out of here early. And I'll tell you what, how I got introduced to this area down here was one of my brothers lives in Morganville, which is 10 minutes from where I live now. Really? One of the gangsters I grew up with, like his family took me in and shit. He lived here, and I would come and stay with him. So part of the deal was I helped him with his fish company, and he paid me.

I would help him. And it was unreal how we would get in the car at four in the morning, shooting to Manhattan. Now, I'm a comic. I'm a feature slash headline. But when I come to Jersey, I would stay with him. I would do like three or four weeks. Instead of having to go back and forth, I would do like three or four weeks, rascals in those days,

bananas, maybe something else. And I would deliver fish with him. In the mornings, help him pick up the fish at the Fulton Fish Market. That was a fucking adventure. Really? Yeah, because I would go to get fish. I'd come back home with an eight ball. It was great.

Four in the morning, I'm walking around with an eight ball. I got a discount price for $180 at the Fulton Fish Market. You got everything there. You got a long trout in your nose. You know many times I pulled out of fish and foot and fish market and there were hookers there? Wow. It's four in the morning. You're going to get fish.

Five in the morning. That's the party starts. They're over there. They're looking for guys that had a lot of protein in them. So they like those fucking fish dudes. There were hookers there. We deliver five, six deliveries. We'd be done by 10, 30, 11, and by 12 o'clock after a 44, 45 minute drive.

I just went from people cutting each other off, bike guys flying through the air, double parking. Hey, fuck you. To this serene lifestyle. Yeah. Let me tell you how cool it was to the setup he had. You walk through his backyard with your fish clothes on and you just rip yourself naked and you jump in the shower and washed the fish off and we go right in the pool.

So I go talk to his mother while he was doing his ritual and then I'd do the same ritual, jump in the pool. Then his father would clean off the fish and start grilling fish in the afternoon. By three o'clock, I'd be in fucking heaven, getting vitamin D, fish. I got an A ball. I picked up at four in the morning.

So I enjoyed that. I liked that one minute I was in the city. And the next minute I was in. That's like if you live in L.A. in Hollywood, but you live in colabosses. It's a hike of a ride. You're not going to do it every day. But when you do it, you strike.

But that's when you see the beauty. Yeah. You go from being at the store chaos. Who stole a joke? Who did this? Yeah, who's a f*** or whatever. Yeah. And all that.

And all of a sudden, you're at the fucking, you're in your home. And, you know, there's no red light. Right. People ain't cutting you off. There's no homeless people. So really, and that's what I saw in my life when I moved to Jersey. But I could still do the city, but an hour later, all that shit's out of my system. Amen.

I'm home with my family. My daughter, I'm a different person. Yeah, you can kick your feet up on the ottoman and it feels like you're actually at peace. Oh, I got my chair. As soon as I moved there, I got one of those Archie bunker chairs. Did you lay back? Fuck yeah. Oh, aren't you? And I put my little blankie on it. My legs get cold at night. I got my little remote control. I got a little refrigerator right here in the family room.

I put my little blooms in there and a couple snapples and some water. I got my peptides in there in case I just want to get up and shoot one while I'm sitting there. Yeah, dude, I watch John Wick and fucking blast myself right in the neck with one. Oh, yeah. They even have a John Wick peptide. They do? You just start shooting people. You just get a gun and stop. What's going on your world these days? brother. What's going on? Yeah,

for one, I mean, I just, I do want to say this. I love, one thing I love about Jersey and Philadelphia, some of the funniest women,

best senses of humor, bro. I mean, and I mean, Jersey, some of these little broads, I agree, they definitely,

you got some violent little princesses around here, you know, you got a fucking. There's a couple of women that are that hot that they're dangerous. Yeah.

Those Italian chicks. Oh, they got sharp hot. They got sharp tits, too, a lot of, some of the little, And just sit there and watch and giggle.

Like, look at how these motherfuckers are just racking up victims. People buying them cocktails. And these bitches are going home so low. Yeah. Yeah, dude. A lot of bitches just collecting miadas at their house. I love Philadelphia. And I'm going to tell you why, because they didn't get the memo yet.

And even if you said it to Philadelphia, they're not going to honor it. Yeah. To really want some people like comedy, stand-up comedy. They think that's great to laugh. And it is. I love watching Stan. end up comedy. But then again, I like comedy that just happens. And if the only place in the world where I could count on that happening is Philadelphia, 10 for 10, they just don't get the memo.

Yeah. And you're like, Joey, well, give me an example. When we moved here, I looked at tickets for the Yankees, the Mets, but I want to see somebody was playing, San Francisco was playing in Philadelphia. So I asked my wife, take a look at the tickets. She goes, they're okay, let's go. So a bunch of us went, Florentine, his kid, the neighbor, me. my wife, my daughter, my wife had, my daughter was eight. And in LA, we hung around people, I didn't really curse. You know, once I moved to Jersey, I was like, we might as well start cursing because even the moms are fucking saying, fuck you and all this shit.

And my daughter would just sit there lost. I'm like, you can't curse though. She's not allowed to curse till she goes to college. So fucking, that's my rule, because if not they won't take her into college, if you're curse. Yeah, and then it gives her a reason to want to go to college too. Yeah, no, I, because a lot of kids, you let them curse her. they're not even to go to school.

No, no, this one has to go to school. A mother or killer. A lot of kids, I'd apply to college just to say, motherfucker when I got over there. You know what I'm saying? It's like, it's kind of like, that's sort of the best way to do it, dude. But yeah, they got some short ladies around.

They got some, well, what's the tallest woman in New Jersey? Bring that up, dude, if you can. They got some violent little princesses, dude. I mean some. You go to my boxing gym. There's a couple of chicks in that I'll knock you to fuck out. Oh, yeah. I know for a fact.

Oh, there you go. Tallest one in Jersey, 5-8. So damn. And that's not even, Paul, you know. But it is for here. Bro, because the guy don't want to, they're so, they so potent, they can't make more of it, you know? It's like, it's like, if you get like a, you know what I'm saying? It's like, they're a high milligram edible.

Then blow bitches, boy, that's for sure, dude. But some of the most entertaining women ever, bro, they'll fucking, some of me. I wanted you to, I really hope you would have came down last night. I would have canceled my gig and thank you to dinner at a fucking really great place, man. Like central Jersey, listen, New York City is New York City. Northern New Jersey's Northern New Jersey. But I got some spots in Central Jersey that'll take your fucking lights out. Like you're eating fucking, this is good shit.

I understand everything to the last detail. So I'm taking my daughter to Philly and she's eight. To the ball game? Yeah, to this. Philly's game, the baseball. I pull her aside and I go, mercy, listen. When you get to Philadelphia, you're going to see things and hear things you've never heard before. Yeah.

I'm just preparing you. Okay, and she's hip. She's been listening to me talk for you. So we pull up at the game, we park. We're walking through the front door. And I'm not even at the front door. My daughter hits my leg and she got to go, what? She goes, look, right on the wall, there was a picture of a big dick.

I mean, it had to be 15 feet long, you know, walking to the six, whatever. But there's a dick, somebody spray painting. Right. Now you know what I'm saying. Yeah. And once you walk in there, it's a complete different place, too. They say shit. They just say shit.

Yeah, they're the most next level. They say, I went to a sixth game with her, and there was two guys making out. Mm-hmm. And I'm like, that's not going to last one. Yeah. Not in Philadelphia. Yeah.

And sure enough, they were gone. Somebody came and tapped them in the shoulder and were like, too many kids around. Yeah. Hang on, but I have my rights. Listen, we have our rights, too. We'll fucking put you in a dungeon. We'll put you in the fucking dungeon.

How's that? And a lot of gay dudes, they dress like they want to be in a dungeon sometimes. too. So that's kind of the trick. But no, I don't against the gay dudes. There's just some places that fucking don't fuck around still.

They didn't get the memo. Yeah, some places they make their own rules. They didn't get the memo. And you show up and you got to kind of rock with them. Dude, we would go, trying to think of where we went. That was very, yeah, Philly's one of a kind, though. Do you see a fucking bird out there selling dope up near Temple or something? You see a black dude, like dress up like an Uber and give another black dude to a piggyback ride.

It's crazy. It's crazy. It's crazy. It's crazy. It's crazy. You know, we would see all. I mean, yeah, some of the shit we would see, bro. And audiences are very real in Philly.

Like, I've never, I'm gonna do in a casino one night. And I had such a good time. I just jumped. Chubby Joey just jumped into the audience and they caught me. You know what I'm saying? I was like, this is spectacular. How are the people that caught you? I wonder how they do when you checked on it?

I think I fucked up one guy's shoulder. You know what I'm saying? He just didn't have it no more. Yeah, dude. But it's just, it's a fun place to do comedy. I think it's a fun city because when I go down there, I like watch him like, you know, or the chick sold the first flag.

Betsy Klein, what's the name? Yeah. Betty Wilson or whatever. You go to Betty Ross's house. Betsy Ross's. You go there, they have a lot of neat stuff that'll bring you back. Yeah.

Like, holy fuck. Oh, the museum's there. Bro. Yeah, bro. Bro. It's next level. Stop it. Stop it there.

That's where it all went down. Yeah. People forget about that. People think that's what's interesting to me. Like when I go to a town, I don't want to go to a club. I don't want to do nothing. I want to see this shit,

especially these East Coast, North Carolina, all those places to have some great stuff at those states, man, when you travel. It's not even about the restaurants to me anymore. Yeah. But a fucking good museum. Look at this shit. Yeah.

And look at that lady dressed up like Betsy Ross, probably. Yeah, you could dress up like Betsy Ross, and they do that every day. You go there and they school you. But it's nonstop. Yeah. The history of fucking Philadelphia alone, you know, where you went and got off the car that night

and took the picture with the boxer from North Bergen. Oh, yeah, dude. You get on that road. James J. Braddock. James J. Braddock. I'll take you to a place where George Washington's fucking whatever is there, not the bowling ball or cannonball. That's what George, it's a little ledge in Fort Lee.

You walk down, you have to walk in the park under the George Washington Bridge. If you ever get a chance to do that, you know, I used to walk that bridge to cop. I could walk to George Washington. I would walk it twice a day sometime. Wow. You could just zip in because if you take a car, they watch to see what cars go in and out. Oh, yeah, but walking.

So they'll pull you over and they'll fucking take your car. Your car gets confiscated. So at those days, they say, why are we going through all this shit? It's a mile walk. Yeah. To a mile walk. And I mean, you would loop out, get off the plane,

get off the fucking bridge, cop, and get right on the, I'm going. And nobody would fuck. And meanwhile, when you land in Jersey, you see a line of cars with their hoods open getting fucked and searched and shit. So I would just walk over. But the things I would just see in there,

It wasn't about, I mean, it was about the addiction, but it wasn't about like, I would get surprised. Even when you land on the other side of New York, if you go underneath. Yeah. Like that area there, when I was growing up, that's where you dropped your car off if you didn't want to pay for it no more.

Really? Just left it there. Just leave it there for a $20 bill in the front seat and put the keys in ignition. Yeah. You'll never see that car again. Oh. Okay, that's one area in New York.

Right under the George Washington Bridge on the New York side. Just drop your car off down there. Come back the next day. It's gone. Oh, you see a family of brothers driving. it a month later, probably. They probably take it, burn it, get money for the parts, whatever. But it was well known.

Just drop your car. Oh, yeah, dude. I love, like, just places from growing up, places from the past. There definitely was a lot of stuff about Jersey. Like, did y'all ever go on any, like, family trips and stuff around here? Yeah, yeah. This is where my mom liked this shit, too. She did?

Oh, like history and stuff? Yeah, she loved American history. She loved the American culture. Yeah. When we came here, that's what really, like, blew my mind. My mom wouldn't go to a baseball game, but she couldn't stand for the national anthem.

And don't they get me started on my uncle. He has to watch the game from beginning to win. Seventh inning, he gets up and does. They love all that shit. The tradition of it. Because they were anti-revolutionaries. Castro took all their shit. So when the United States took them in,

they always felt like they were endeared to the United States. And that was a good way. You know, I learned a lot from that. I didn't think they were into that shit. but my mom was pro-America, pro-everything A to fucking Z. And it was, you know, like I said it, I didn't know my mom had it in her, but she wanted to be to be a Marine. She did?

She wanted to walk me in there. The plan was a Marine for four years, get out, law school, and then go back as an officer or something. Wow. An officer and a gentleman she wanted. I don't know about no fucking gentleman, but the officer would have been there. But look, you met a lot of officers, bro? Yeah.

And I'd say you're a gentleman, bro. Fuck yeah. Yeah. I'm always been a fucking gentleman. You know what the fuck they think they're dealing with? Joy bananas. Was, uh, what, what, what ended that kind of like, what ended the Marine thing, you think?

Her dying. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Once she died, I was like, ooh, there goes hurrah. You like, you took it. And I still considered it. And when I got in trouble. Like in honor of her, did you consider her?

Oh, yeah. I considered it considered an honor or her. And I even went up there and talked to the recruiter, but I got coked up the next night and I missed the blood test. Oh. So I was always embarrassed. And I thought I'd, faint at the blood test.

When he said blood test, I threw a fucking wrenching in those days. Yeah. If I knew now, what I knew then, I would have signed up in the service. Yeah? And I still believe it.

Yeah. I think so, too, when I look back, because I wasted some years. Wasted some years. Listen, I've been in Jersey, officially six years. That's a law degree.

Yeah. That's how you have to look at things sometimes. That's why when you're in high school when I come to you and go, all right, Theo, you want to join the Marines? I'm going to sign you up for 20 years. You're like 20 years. But guess what?

You get out when you're 38. now and you have a second life with a pension, somebody financing that. Yeah. And medical benefits and all this shit that comes with it. And you give you a badass too. And now you're a badass. Yeah. You're 38 years old.

You just lived a complete different life and you didn't even have to pull a trigger. Yeah. There was no war for you to get deployed to. Maybe they sent you for operations to Chicago like my nephew to learn about operations and fucking, you know, intelligence and shit like that. But think about it. How much time we blow is American? And then you're like, bro, that really happened eight years ago, Theo?

And you're like, yeah, that happened eight years. And you're like, I could have done so much with my life in eight years. But that's the path we chose. And I'm happy I chose it now. Yeah, I think about that too, man. It's hard. Sometimes I chose, I think, like, just be a social kind of screwing around. I love to be around people.

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And you found her, right? 15. 15, yeah? I found her. Holy shit. You bad motherfucker. Wow, look at you, bro. I even got medals there.

Hell yeah, dude. That's beautiful. Yeah, look at you. There you go, dude. Wow. What was something else that she liked to do? Gamble?

She did? What kind of gambling, though? Heavy. Like you talking dominoes and stuff or no? Baseball. Really? A lot of baseball. She'd bet on games?

Fuck, yeah. And go to them. Wow. And then it got, once she sold her business, it got worse. Because now she was bored, so now she started picking horses. And that's not a good thing to do on this side of the country because you have a noon race and about, you know, like somewhere in my myth or you have, like, so there's all these tracks that one end. and one picks up.

So you might come here in the daytime down the shore to see afternoon, which is great. Going to the track in the afternoon, you put like 50 bucks in your pocket, you get a clam chowd in you're out in the sun watching degenerates laughing your ass as well. But my mom would go from that, and then she'd go home, cook dinner,

and then go to the Meadowlands at 8. And cats and out the Meadowlands. If the Meadowlands wasn't good for her, she'd get into another car and go to fucking Yonkers now. We were talking about addictions and what addictions make you do. Yeah. what would possess you to get in a fucking cab at 11 o'clock at night

to make it to the yonkers for the night racing until 2 in the morning? You don't get out of that for like 2 in the fucking morning. Was it dogs or horses or horses, dogs, pigeons, whatever the fuck they did. So here she is, bought the debt, going to games, gambling. At that point, she invested in a jewelry company, but she was buying the jewelry herself for her.

She going there every day. Oh, I think I need this ring. So what did we accomplish here? Yeah. It was what she was going through. with the divorce, you know, separating from my stepdad and all that. And then health wasn't good. She kept drinking.

And she came home one night and punched the ticket. Damn. And everything changes, you know, at one point, you're like, fuck, everything changed in my life to you. And then I didn't want to live for a long time, but I wasn't going to kill myself. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, I wasn't going to, I didn't want to live.

But I'm not going to cop out and jump off a bridge. I'll just do something fucked up. And hopefully it'll shoot me. Yeah. And thank God that. happen. What do you think that is that part of us it's like, because I have, I have had that, man, where it's like, I don't want to live, but I'm not going to kill myself. No. You know, I don't want to live by ain't going to kill myself. I can't do that. There must be something inside of me that does

want to live, then. Yeah. No, that's it. It's just maybe it's an excuse, but I know that there's tons of people that walk around and be like, I don't want to live, but I don't want to jump off a bridge and embarrass my family or this or that or, you know. One foot in front of the other. Yeah. That's what you got to just got to keep proving yourself, even when your brain is like, like saying whatever, I think that's what, if you just can keep moving your feet, you know, just keep trying, you know, and a step is the easiest thing. Sometimes it's the smallest thing you can do, you know? Did you feel like your mom like deserted you kind of or no? Did you ever think, like was that feelings or she just had had enough? No, she had just, she died of a broken heart.

It's what the Chinese call a broken heart disguised as a, uh, disguised as a heart attack. And it was sad because sometimes I think that what her last feelings were as she was getting the heart attack and she was yelling for me. But because she had a fucked up habit of waking me up at 3 in the morning, cooking on that particular. I'm like, I don't want to go downstairs and eat. I don't want to go downstairs and hear this shit. And then like 40 minutes later I woke up and I saw that she hadn't come up.

And I go, let me go downstairs and see. And she was on the floor dead as disco, you know. And it's a fucking realization. You know, I was just talking a friend of mine, and I kind of got upset. And I told him, I go, my mother's been gone for 47 years, and there's not a day that I don't, at one point, you're like, fuck. And he's got something going on with his mom.

And I said, so if I was you, I'd go take care of that. Because she's at an age where she could tip tomorrow, and now you have to live with that pain. And I go, let me just give an example. I died on good terms of my mom. And I still have, like, this pain that just, you know. And then I learned things about myself. I learned that when I was,

and I remember, I'm not going to lie to anybody into part of the healing process for me beside the acid and the fucking, you know, I was a sophomore in high school, so I couldn't stop living my life. Right. And at that time, and you're also really coming into your own life

and you're kind of obsessed with your own world at that age as a teenager. That's what my dad does. I had an option to move to California with my uncle, I had an option to move with my godmother in Harlem, but I was already set. in North Bergen, I had already put this work in a North Bergen just to be somebody.

Yeah. Just to try to be cool at parties and, you know, be funny or whatever the fuck I was thinking. But this is something I realized when I moved back here, part of my healing process from my mother at that time, because I'd be out with you till four in the morning, like a year after she died. Yeah. I'd be out with you, whatever, and also on the way home, I'd go drop me off over here. And you said to me, like, don't you said to me like, don't you. She lived around the corner.

Yeah, but I'm going to walk a little bit. You go, all right, man, you're good? Yeah. What I was doing is sneaking to my mother's house. I would just go to where we grew up and sit in the steps. Nobody was in the house yet. Wow. Just to see if maybe they made a mistake.

Just, just maybe. Maybe she took the wrong bus home that night. Maybe she went to the wrong house. You lie to yourself. I was a 17-year-old kid. Yeah. So it was whatever was maintaining me. But I remember thinking to myself one day,

you know what man she went to Cuba and she's gonna come back yeah and this is all gonna get straightened out I'm gonna live my life until I get the call that's the biggest lie I ever told myself wow and do you know when I moved back here six years ago the first year I was struggling and it was because of that

because she lied to me I thought she was gonna make a comeback like John Lennon but she never fucking did yeah so it fucked to me I'm I'm a man enough to say because she had said that she had said she was gonna move to didn't come back? No, she was dead. Oh. In my mind, I made up this lie. Oh, that you kind of... That's a coping mechanism.

That part of you still believe. Yeah. You know what, bro? She went to Cuba for the weekend. And I'll get a message from her eventually. Maybe the arrest her in Cuba. So now when you came back, that thing never came to fruition. Like when I came back after two or three months, I'm sitting on my balcony one day. And I'm like, she never fucking came back. And honestly, as grown of a man as I am and has settled, it bothered me. Like, she didn't come back. But then at the meantime, it's like, Joey, nobody dies and comes back. Yeah. They might leave your note, you know, like a little flower, might fly out of the sky one day

or something. But I had to deal with that, but it was from the lesson that I learned when she died that I used that as a coping mechanism telling myself that maybe she just, right? I remember one night, I got so fucked up. I went to the grave and started digging it up in my hands, bro. Wow. Like two months after she died, I went to the grave one night and the fucking and coked upstate and God knows what I was on. And I just found sticks and shit. And I, you know, after an hour and a half, I only dug an inch.

Yeah. I just wanted to make sure she was dead. Maybe I was seeing things right. Maybe the acid lasted a little too long. It was just, it was that unbelievable to me that she had died. Mm-hmm. But here we are, 47 years later, slinging dick.

And at the end, I became what she wanted the most. she wanted to be a man. And in her world, a man wasn't a guy who slings dick and a man is somebody who provides who is responsible. Because one of the last fights we got over, like 10 days before she died,

I had a curfew. I never had a curfew growing up. My curfew was, if you're not home by 11, call me and let me know what time you're going to come home. That's fair. And if you don't get to that point, if you told me 1140,

at 1139, I better hear from you again, telling me again what time you're going to come in. Right. I don't want to know what you're doing. That was the deal we had at home. I never could figure that out. I thought it was a control mechanism. Right.

And the last time I did that, I came home and then she smacked me. I was 15 years old. She just took up fucking and smacked me in the face. And then I just walked in my room. And then the next morning when I woke up, she was there. She goes, I smacked you in the face

because someday you're going to have a wife. And you have to be responsible to your wife. She has to know where you're at all the time. And I thought, I'm not going to get married. You know, you're 15. I'm going to be a playboy. Yeah. But now I understand.

I understand those things. So that's what I, you know, it's like me moving from L.A. to Jersey was to really see if I was a man. All right. I'm out there with my friends, giggling. And, you know, now let's see moving back into a neighborhood and a community and being part of that community and having a, having a child in that community.

And that's how I judge that stuff. You know, no drama, no arrest, no DUIs, no nothing. Just living my life and trying to be a little better every day. Just a little bit, just a little bit. Not much. Is there ever, like, moments where dude where you, like, where you have like a moment with your daughter and it almost feels like you're giving that moment to your mother? Does that make any sense in a weird way?

You know what I'm saying? Like, is there... I'm just a fucking lulie. And I'll tell you, you can throw up, brother. Thank you very much for being a gentleman and scholar. You know what I'm talking about like you kissed her on the head. And it's almost like you kissing your mother. on the head? Like, is there ever? No, no, no. I'm, I took that question the wrong way. I'm sorry.

It's like, well, there's more. When I was born, I also had a sister. When we came from Cuba, my sister wanted to stay to finish out the school year. She never got here. So part of my mother's pain and the sadness, that underlying what's deep in your veins, and she wouldn't realize it till what time, two in the morning. Once you get home and the party's over and the cocktail or son those old feelings come back and she would get sad at it she missed her daughter she missed her daughter she raised a child without a daughter without her family and we she did everything she fucking congressman she fucking donated bribed and then i come anyway not to even go there right now confused the audience so that was always her underlying whatever so she always wanted a child

and here i pop up with a daughter now my my daughter has the same same kind of body as her sassy Cuban attitude. Yeah. So I see a lot of that in my daughter. When I kiss her, I'm kissing my daughter. Got it. My mother. She's dead.

You know what I'm saying? I'm kissing my mother. I just meant like, is there some psychology there, you know? Absolutely. I think somewhere along that when I hug it, it's from my mother. Listen, I'm responsible to this little kid. Like, you know, I go to Austin and I just come back. Not because I want to come back, but because she has football games.

I won't be a part of her life. Yeah. So I try to be involved with her as much as I can. I drive her to practices. I take her the kind of stand-up shows with me. Because I want her to hear what men talk about in the green room. When I go in there, I sit it down. I go deal with it.

Right. And they're talking about eating ass and shooting heroin or whatever the fuck. They're not. But I always wanted her to feel comfortable around men. So I've been dragging her to green room since she's 12, maybe 11. Just I took her down to Rogan, popped her in the fucking green room. Wow. Let her smell.

that marijuana smoke, you know, see what really goes on in life. So when she does get 18 and gets let out into the world, she's not in shock. Yeah. I wanted to see what men think about, what men talk about, what it's important to men when you're sitting there. What's going on? What's going on? Yeah.

Because I always wanted to feel comfortable around fucking men. And I wanted to feel like she's got the situation under control. So every move I make is around that psychology. I'm raising it on a different tip, Jack. Yeah. Everybody wants a smart kid. I want a smart kid, but I want that kid to be street smart.

And that's what these children are missing today. There's adults walking around that they wouldn't know what to do unless somebody told them their wives or whatever. Yeah, this motherfucker is running around. They couldn't buy an eight ball if you gave him fucking four days. Yeah. And gave him the money and a straw. Yeah.

Yeah, dude. Losing a parent man, like I remember my dad, like my dad was older, so I was embarrassed of him. And that's the thing. Like if I have like a regret when it comes to it, it. It was like I was embarrassed to how old he was. But it's like, so it kind of kept me away from him. But also I was at that age where like, you're just kind of coming into your own and your parents. You're not even really super connected to your parents at like 14, 15, 16. You're doing your own

shit. You think, you know, you're just kind of like, you know, your nuts are just starting to fucking look around, you know, peek over your dick and look around. You know, it's like things are, you know, things are starting to get different, you know. Maybe somebody's flirting with you. Maybe You sneak in some chick in your room at night or whatever. It's little things. You're growing up. But yeah, dude, I was embarrassed of him. And sometimes, but that, dude, my fucking dad, bro, he, like, I think I told you,

he had bought, like, a Delta 88, an old Cutlass kind of car off of some brothers, right? And he couldn't hear. And so he had speakers in the trunk. So he had fucking 22s in a trunk, right? He's driving this car. And it would play like Paul Harvey, Rush Limbaugh, you know, just. with bass, dude. He'd be like, Paul Harvey, good day, you know.

And this motherfucking thing was just just fucking rattling. And he bought this car off like 800 bucks off a couple brothers around the corner. So he would drive us around in that thing. And the fucking doors wouldn't open, dude. Two of the passenger side doors, we'd always have to jump in the window.

Everything in there was just a bunch of shit. He like, he like, he delivered candies for a little while and was putting candies in vending machines and shit. So we'd always have fucking like, like, like, nine. nine boxes of fucking melted chocolate in the back of his car, bro. So we'd have to sit in there, do you fucking get out? Do you a half black?

You were mulatto by the time you got out of that motherfucker. And they'd have like dogs come licking your arms and shit because she's cuffing and fucking chocolate. And you'd have to go to school, dude. So I was already embarrassed because we're poor. And then I had to fucking walk out of here with fucking half a Kit Kat hanging off my neck, you know? And the fucking teachers looking at me like, she doesn't even know where to start.

And then sometimes he would come to pick us up from school and he would fall asleep in the fucking carpool line. So now it was embarrassing because the teacher's like blowing the whistle and he's fucking, you know, when there's fucking Reesey cups fucking falling out of the mother. It's just like, like, dear God, I just felt everything about it gave me like so much shame. Because I think there wasn't a conversation like, hey, we're going to have some pride in this shit. This is who we are, you know. But anyway, I don't know why I told that story. Pro, that.

But that makes your life. But it's so crazy how as kids, we don't see that. Yeah. Listen, my mom would go to MET games and she'd act like a complaint. In fact, my mom spent so much money at the MEC games, they wouldn't throw her out. But something happened with Rusty Stobb. So she was sitting left field and throw chicken wings when he came back

because he didn't make a catch one year and she lost $800. Yeah. So she had it out for Rusty Stobb and she would throw chicken bones at him. They had a mover to the other side of the stadium. didn't throw her out. Yeah. Because she'd go that bribe. You know,

we go to games. We go to games. She had a guy that she'd give like 20 bucks to, and the guy would bring you to like the first row. And he'd look at the people's tickets. And they'd go, you're sitting in the wrong place. People with real tickets.

He would throw them out and put him somewhere else and give my mom the tickets. This was insane. You know, this was fucking insane. And I would be so fucking embarrassed. And then she stole a church from the bell. My third year, my fourth.

He stole a bell from church? Yeah, stole a church. She'd take it to the MEC games and ring them for good luck. And then when the Mets lost the fucking playoffs to Cincinnati Reds in 73, she actually gave me the bell. And she goes, get that fucking boo-doo shit out of my house. It made me lose. Like, oh, they've been winning all season.

You were having a good time with the bell. Now I got caught bringing the bell back to my own. She stole the bell from my school. Not from some store. She went to a church on a Sunday to meet for me to do whatever the fuck singing the school band. And she saw a little bell. took it in her purse, and now a year later,

she's giving it back to me to bring it back because it's voodoo. I'm like, you're fucking, and this is the house I lived in. So we're embarrassed about these things, but once like that sounds intense, where you go out to the car and your dad's asleep, that's fucking, and that's when you just turn around and make believe he's not your dad. Son, get in here, son.

You know, I remember one time, I was swimming at a pool. My mom told me, when you leave today, make sure you make your bed, people are coming on. I'm like, mom, I'm not. making my bet. And I'll never forget to conversation. I said, listen, why am I going to make my bed? I'm going to go back to sleep. And she looked me right in the face. He goes, why do you wipe your ass? You're going to shit two hours later, right? So I left and went to this pool party with some

girls. I'm playing like a pip. I got my gold chain on and shit. And also I hear, Oslo Antonio. And that's my real name, Jose Antonio. Oh, Osse Antonio. She actually came to the fence and was yelling. And people like, who is that lady? I don't know. I don't fucking know. Down 9-1-1. Get her out of here. My mom heard that shot. 9-1 here, pootap I'll fucking kill you. Then I saw her trying to climb the fence. She threw the stick over and was trying to climb the fence and shit.

And I just took off. And she chased me for like fucking 20 minutes, hit me with the fucking stick. And then when I put my hands up the block, she lost her mind. And she went and got a bounty roll and lit it on fire to burn my hands because you're not supposed to lift your hands to your moms. That's the world I came from. Wow. I came from a heavy-duty fucking world.

else. I had something on Sunday. People came over. And all these people are talking about shit. And I looked at them. I don't know what the fuck. Who raised you?

Yeah. But in a fucking my house, you couldn't. A kid couldn't talk at the fucking dinner table. Yeah. They look at you like you were Val Kilmer and he.

Remember when Val Kilmer didn't say nothing? Yeah. That's how they looked at you. Like, why are you speaking? Yeah. And in my house, I got these people talking about shit. I still remember going to a friend of mine's house

and I couldn't believe how loose white people were at the table. When he was Irish. But at one of those kind conversations or not. He told his dad, he's like, you know what, Dad, I don't even believe in fucking God. I think you're all fucked. That motherfucker got up and started punching him so many times in the face in front of me. I almost fucking died. Good. Just bouncing his own kid. Teeth were missing and shit. People talk too much shit at the dinner table. Shut the fuck up.

Especially kids. What the fuck? Yeah. What the fuck are you talking about? I don't know shit. Dude, my mom always had like this air of like this odd superior of like we would like she would like we would go to the McDonald's you know once we get the chores done on Saturday the big thing was we would get to go to McDonald's right so she would make us listen to Brian Adams and Leonard

Cohen and shit and like we fucking didn't even know what this shit was and we're sitting there like have I told you lately that I love you I'm out there that's fucking nose deep in a toilet bowl fucking cleaning this bitch cleaning whites bro I was four years old doing fucking whites and colors

br and you know because those are the two that I knew just from that neighbor we lived in, but those are, you know, those are the loads I was responsible for, dude. Then she would take us to McDonald's, bro, but we kind of had this, like, pattern where we got to order. And then she would, like, kind of shush us a little bit, and she would order a McFish, but like it was like a, like it was on like a special menu, like it was like an entree or something that they had there, you know? She kind of like, she always had this weird superiority. She's like, all right, now quiet down. And she's like, And I'll have a McFish, you know?

Like it was a fucking like, like these motherfuckers don't care. It's the same shit. It's just chicken that they fucking squirted some fish flavor on. It's fucking. But she always had like, I don't know, my mother always had this weird. You're still tight with mom, right? Yeah, it's gotten better over the years, you know? And like you're saying, it's like these days, I'm just, I pray.

My gratitude is I'm just grateful my mother made me, right? It's like, I don't know what was going on in her life. But somehow, whatever it was, she found. enough energy or love or whatever happened to at least make me, you know, like, and I got here. And the rest of it, it's like, yeah, it wasn't up to me early, but it's up to me now, you know, and so I can try my best. It's not always great. But, yeah, I got over something like the old, like, I'm going to, like, hold stuff against you. Life was fucking tough. My mother, when she was growing up, like, her dad was kind of crazy. Her father was crazy. He would, months at a time, he would,

he wouldn't even use the front door. It was her and my grandmother, they would do, they were cleaning. My grandmother was a cleaning lady, so they would go clean houses. My mom would go with her sometimes. But my grandfather would stay in his own room and then he would go in and out through the window. He wouldn't use the front door. He made him slide his food under the door over there. So something was obviously wrong with them.

So I imagine like a little girl thinking like, man, my dad doesn't even want to see me or something. You know, who knows. Who knows what happened. But yeah, when you hear about people's lives and shit, it's like, fuck. People are trying their best, you know. And we had some good times. My mom would date some strange guys sometimes or people were trying to come over and smash or whatever.

I'm sorry to interrupt. How were you when your dad passed? 16. It's one in the same boat. We're nothing special. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? We ain't something special.

And how long did they take your mom to date again? Oh, she fucking was probably dating about four years before he died. Oh, my God. So it didn't take her that long, you know? But it was like, yeah, they just, you know, like, but dude, my dad was just fucking. dude, when I think back on it, bro, it was kind of, bro, he'd pull up at the post office. There'd be no parking spots or whatever.

And he couldn't see that good. So we'd ask us, is there any parking spots? I don't fucking know. You know, I'm a kid. I don't know what parker spot is. You know? So he'd be like, all right, you're getting pretty tall, you know? And he'd be like, I'm going to run in here, drive around the block.

Dude, this thing had no power steering. I would fucking take this fucking thing. I would have to extend my foot to get the gas through it down. Like, remember, extend my foot. Like, push it long. Dude, I'd take this bitch around the block. hit four or five cars, dude. Fucking boom, boom.

And his car was so banged up you couldn't. It had hit, it had hit two thousand cars. Every car in town had been hit, had been hit by his fucking car, dude. This motherfucker, bro. And I just keep going in a circle out there until he came out. How old were you?

I was probably, I don't know, 12 probably. Now, weren't you the guy who told me that you used to sit on yellow pages? Was that you? When I was a kid, dude, we would... When you drive, I'm sorry. When you drove, you sat on yellow pages. I can't remember.

Somebody told me a story that they used to, the dad used to make them drive and sit on yellow. But now the stories are, you know, it's like, yeah, but that's some of this stuff as hero, as tough as it is or whatever.

And people have tougher stuff, man. I mean, your life, I can't even imagine that. No. But it's like, you know,

you find these little things that make you a storyteller, they make you curious, they make you pay attention, I think. I was always paying attention, you know, like somebody,

there was a lady who would fucking come out in the evening at the other apartment and she would come out I'm fucking like, she'd have like a Dachry and she would be like, she, you know, just lay on her fucking car and ask me how her body looked and shit. And I'm out there. I'm fucking, I'm six years old, you know. Dude, we would put light shit in the ditch.

Like, you know, she fucking just be out there as my body look, you know. And I don't fucking know. And I would get up real close to her leg and like look at it real close like that, you know. Like, I didn't know what the fuck I was looking for. I didn't know. I would get right up by her neck and shit and look at it. And I'm like, yeah, it looks fine. Visit BetMGM Casino and check out the newest exclusive.

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BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with Eye Gaming, Ontario. Look, I work out, okay? I'm in there. I'll be honest, which I know my way around a barbell, okay? I know how to get to the second story of a stair master. But I'll be honest that sometimes it's easy to fall into a routine. The same four lifts every week, you just kind of get plateaued. And I'm on the road a lot, too. And sometimes it's hard to find a good gym nearby. And sometimes even any gym at all. So I want to recommend this app called Ladder. set me up with a real coach. His name's Brian, and he's on Team Vitality. And his whole approach is built for exactly my situation when I'm on the go. You got dumbbells, body weight stuff, mobility, conditioning, nothing that needs a gym. I've done his workouts before in green rooms,

in the back of the bus anywhere. Think if I'd like having a personal trainer in your headphones, and it's less than a dollar a day. So if you're a guy who keeps telling yourself, you'll get back into it once your schedule calms down. Look, I've been right there with you, and it doesn't calm down. Go to ladder.fit slash TPW and take the quiz. They'll match you with your own coach. You get a free seven-day trial, no credit card, and ten bucks off your first month if you join. That's ladder. Dot fit slash TPW. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. If you could wake up tomorrow and do one thing better, what would that be? What would that be? Well, for me, it would be listening. I just sometimes I want to listen in a way that's, I don't know, I feel like you could master the art of it.

I feel like because it's a skill like anything else, maybe. Just, you know, just, I want to be able to absorb things in a way where I'm not trying to do anything. I'm just trying to listen. And then maybe like the right question would just kind of light up inside of me, you know, know, like in my brain or even in my heart first, it would just kind of spark up like a little pilot light, you know. Or sometimes it wouldn't be a question. Sometimes it wouldn't be a question at all. It would just be, hey, just stay listening, you know. So I think for me, that would be it. How could I listen better? And better is a feeling, you know, defined by you. And for better help, it's a better help therapist who really gets you. It's a focus on global emotional well-being with thousands

of therapists and millions of members in over a hundred countries. It's progress. Sign up and get 10% off at betterhelp.com slash theo. That's betterh-e-l-p.com slash t-H-E-O. It's so funny when we look at our lives and we think that we grew up, fucked up, and in a way, we grew up with action in our lives.

True. We shut it at that age. Like, there was a lot of action in my house. Yeah. We could go here for, we could sit here right now and go hours about what was going out of my house. Yeah. At that age. And I dealt with it.

It was something that was there. And I stayed away from some of it. I participated in some of it, but not in the bad way. Like my mom and stepdad were part of two different fucking bookmaking operations. So that added, you know, pressure to the house. After she trained him all those years, he decides to partner up with somebody else. So there were just so many things towards the end. And I just lived my life around them.

You know, I moved out of my house and I was in the sixth grade, right? Did you? When I left Catholic school, when I got thrown out of Catholic school, I went home and there was just too much shit going out of my house. Dude.

I couldn't sleep at night, and I moved in with my friends in Union City and lived with them for the whole sixth grade year. Wow. I didn't like sleeping in my house. And you just made that choice yourself? Made it myself.

My mom lived there because my mom's bar was three blocks from where I stopped staying. So I would leave school at three, go up north, go to karate or basketball practice, eat dinner at my mother's bar. On the way home, I'd get a bag of clothes. And I'd just fucking go there that night. I had some clothes there.

Take a shower and walk to school from Union City instead of sleeping in North Bergen because I didn't like what was going on in my house. Yeah. And there was nothing bad going on. But first off, they both came in at three in the morning, talking shit. Yeah.

And then she'd cook an eight-course meal at four in the morning and wake you up. I got to get up. at 7.30 the fucking morning. Yeah, but I made steak, eggs, black beans, a lobster tail. It's fucking 3.30 to fucking morning. So it was just so many of those things I couldn't fucking handle in my house.

And again, now you're looking and go, Joey. That's exciting. It's exciting for a few nights. Right. Because you come downstairs. My uncles would be there half-coked up. They each give me 20 bucks for school the next day. That was great.

Yeah. But everything else, now I got to sit there and listen to these fucking YUs at four in the morning, like it's two in the afternoon. Yeah. And they would cook while they were coked up. Why are you cooking?

That's just... The food would land and everybody would be looking at themselves at the 6th of the morning. I'm like, the fuck is wrong with you retard. But that's the house I grew up in. Yeah. That was the shit that was going on. And this is why I always...

I'm very strong in my homes. Yeah. Me and my wife's got that southern, you know, Tennessee shit. And both of them, there's no alcohol in my house. I mean, listen, if you come over, you want to drink. I got beers downstairs. Right. But there's no real alcoholic parties at my house.

I don't want her to see alcohol on the fucking tables. That's just me. Yeah. Because that gives them the green light now to live like I did. Next thing you know, your daughter's 18 and she's drinking like Bert. No, I'm going to fucking, you know, I don't want none in my house. I smoke pot outside the house. I do everything I do inside the house.

And when I walk in the house, I check myself. When I walked in to make sure I got no bad spirits on me. You know what I'm saying? So I walk into the house. that's normal. We live like an American family. As crazy as that is, people think I'm at home at night

fucking watching porn. I haven't watched porn since I was fucking 13. I go home and it's just a regular, normal American fucking life. Wow. There's no butlers. There's no nannies. After all you've been...

Never had a nanny, never nothing. I don't want nobody in my fucking house. Yeah. Nobody. At night, when I go home, it's to relax. So there's never any pressure on my daughter. I want it to make it, a warm home for my daughter.

I didn't grow up in a warm home. Yeah. I grew up in a home, but I get up to go to school with my mom would call him a fucking cunt in Spanish. And I don't need that in my life. My daughter doesn't need that in my life. So that's why I strive so hard to have a clean home.

I keep everything out of my own. I mean, I got weed there. I got pieces. I got shit, but it's a clean home. Yeah. You know? And I take pride in that.

Amen. Yeah. I think creating what you couldn't have to. That's what it is. Yeah. That's what it is because you knew you loved your mom and you knew they worked hard, but that was not how you chose to live anymore.

I'd rather live a different fucking way. And that's exactly. You know, I didn't want alcohol. It used to bother me to get up and there'd be beer bottles in my house. Nothing bothered me more than that. Oh, that's gross. And they put a cigarette in that beer bottle.

And by mistake, you knock one of those beer bottles over and that shit goes into your furniture. You never get to stink out of nicotine beer out of your fucking shit. So I've all, as much of a Coke had as I was and all that shit, there were nights I did Coke and wouldn't drink. I would never drink. Yeah.

Because I didn't want them to spill. I'd rather snort this bitch. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah, dude, I remember my bike seat would always get fucking stolen or whatever. Some dude was using it for something or whatever. And so a lot of times I go out in the morning, my bike seat would be gone. So I still ride my bike, but I have to ride standing up the whole way, you know,

just little shit like that that was like, but every time you just take, it in your own head and just kind of move it along, you know, but I'd do four mile ride just fucking, because I didn't want people seeing me get off of the bus with the like the real poor kids because it was like embarrassing to me. And shit was already embarrassing enough, I felt like. So it was like, but it's interesting. The way you kind of like manage stuff as a kid, once you start having to kind of manage shit, that's when life kind of gets different, I think, for some kids.

When you, they got to start kind of man, when things are some sort of way where it's uncomfortable and they got to start managing a little too early, that's when I feel like it's different. But, but, yeah, dude, we had some fucking times, man. We, uh, oh, dude, did you ever take Greyhound to go up to the shows or whatever? How was it up here? What do you mean Graham? Graham Bus? Yeah.

Or Peter Pan? You ever take one of them? No, just Graham. Graham, bro. I used to take grahams when I was a feature act. Yeah. Oh, dude, when early on, I would be taking some greyhounds sometimes, dude. Bro, we had this one stop.

It was over by like Hammond, right? And they had some duty would always, they call them the Hammond slurper, right? This dude would get out and he was just a gay dude or he'd pretend like he wasn't gay or whatever, but he was really being gay. But he would be like, you know, hey, guys, if anybody wants it here and Hamm, and he would just make an announcement. I was like, you know, like, I'm giving it out, you know, and everybody would be just sitting there like, fucking who's going to get up, you know, who's like winning the gay lottery or whatever? And every now and then, you'd see some dude like, I'm going to step out to smoke or something

and somebody go follow him over there. And he was blowing dudes over there and Hammond over there. him and Louisiana. Where the blow job is always wet, brother, because of the humidity anyway, you know? You fucking just put your wiener in the air and you feel like something's sucking on it. Just that kind of area over there. But yeah, Greyhound, I'm trying to think,

bring up anything on Greyhound. You got any crazy stuff? Some of the stuff that's happened on Greyhound, I used to get on Greyhound Twitter feed, right? This is what I used to do. I would get on there because they have a bus help. It's at Greyhound Bus Help or something. And people would be like,

look, we pulled over here off the Lollum. I eat this motherfucker's on fire right somebody's calling somebody's four year old a fash or whatever and I would be like I would just reply from my personal Twitter like don't got don't you worry guys we'll be right there right in these motherfuckers what do we have here oh here we go here's one right here the dude on the the dude on the left is doing knife hits of meth on a greyhound bus both both are arguing constantly oh yeah that's hound baby that's hound dude So that's the neighborhood where you would take the bus at? No, this is just random people talking about stuff on Greyhound.

During reloading in Tallahassee, the driver left me at the station, and most of my luggage was in the bus number 86-846, heading to Jacksonville. It passed now, then 24 hours I reported about it. No feedback still. Same shit here. My silver luggage was stolen on 822 from my way to Buffalo. I made a claim, and they didn't do shit for me to wait for what? You're done.

You lose anything on ground. There's no customer service. Bro, they motherfuckers, they won't give you a hug. They won't even give you a fucking hug. That's a cold way to travel. But when you're making $400 for fucking 18 shows and you want to snort Coke and have a good time, you got to cut back at some different divisions.

Yeah. And that's why I sure. I used to take the L.A. bus to El Paso, Texas. No-uh. As a feature act, and then they started headlining, he didn't pay much. So I would take the fucking Monday night. Express 1145 got you tell Paso

1 o'clock the next day. N'uh. You were on that bus overnight. Yeah. But the Express only made a few stops. Oh, yeah. But fucking, I was on that thing one time and the heat broke.

And there was like 20 Asians going to Texas. And after about two hours, that bus started kicking. Not that the Asians were dirty. I'm not saying that. Yeah. But it was hot. And the body sweat.

That whole bus smelled like a yin-yang fucking factory. Oh, yeah. I was not. I was on. great coke and whatever. So I'm my first time ever in a pass. I'm about to leave Saturday. And now I just got paid.

And some guy's like, hey, man, you want to do a bump? And he gave me to when I looked at him. You know, I could buy something? He goes, nah, just take the rest out of this. It was like four grams of coke he gave me. Wow. And I never forget the next day. I didn't do it all that night.

I go, I'm going to save something to take back to the ladies. How did you save some? Listen to the fucking story. Yes, sir. Something made me pass out. I woke up the next day. I woke up the next day. I got a, you know,

got the three grams, whatever it was in there, put in my pocket, got on the bus, take off. I'm happy as shit. I take going to back of my pocket. I do two bumps, and I'm ready to sit there for 11 hours, doing little bumps. And all of a sudden, the bus gets pulled over by three fucking immigration cops.

And with dogs and shit, I'm dead. So I did the best possible thing. I took the fucking grams out. And I snorted in one fucking swipe, grounded it up through in the bathroom, wash my hands. He's like, get to your seat. My hands will wash.

There was no cocahami, but now I had a deal with the fucking three-gram line I did. All so I couldn't catch my wind and shit. And then I just started sweating. Bro, by the time they got there with the dog, the dog was barking at me from a distance. You know, like, whoo, because it was coming out immediately. I'm sitting there, 390 pounds fucking sweat and cocaine juice, Malamalanca juice, and God knows what else was coming out of me. That was not a pleasant experience.

Another time I was on one going to Buffalo. and I started a conversation with the girl. I didn't even say nothing. She started telling me how she's a stripper and she got an STD in Buffalo. So it's not that girl who's poohy can hum up like a Christmas carol or whatever. Is that that that girl?

This is a chick on a greyhound. That never better. And even if she did, how do you get to humming a Christmas carol with your pussy? That's a complete different conversation. Usually that involves money and cocaine before you get to be that open. I didn't know if it was a different,

same girl. No, no. And she's telling us. me that if you go to the doctor and they prescribe something, it goes on your stripping license or whatever. So it goes on a report and they won't let you dance until you go back to the doctor. And she's like, I got three kids. I got to dance. So she was going from like Buffalo to Syracuse before the paperwork shot over just so she could get a couple wiggles and get paid before the fuck and everybody knew she had VD. This is the kind of people you meet on the bus, which makes it

entertaining. All the best. And it's part of comedy. Yeah. It's part of the fucking gig. Yeah. You know, think about it.

You might go to a gig now and take a private plane. It's great. We've earned it. But at the same time, look at how we used to take a bus and be just fine. And get there with a story

and as a comic, we base our lives on stories. Before I even go on my material, I took a bus here today. I got an hour of material of what I saw. People having sex. I saw this fat couple

fucking in the back. He got stuck. They started yelling. Shit like that. Yeah, for safety or whatever. What makes you think getting on the ground? You can fuck. And I mean, what, where's your mentality?

You want to fuck somebody. Fuck him in first class or in the bathroom on a plane. I fucked on a greyhound before, man. You did? Yeah. Oh, my God. I did. You're a hell of a Christian.

You're a better Christian than I am. Look, dude. Yeah, dude. And I don't even know if I wanted to, but I think. You just met her? Huh? No. It was a girl I knew.

Okay. We were riding. No condom. Fuck it. Yeah. She's going from point to point B. You're going on some two strangers. They didn't have any condoms on the bus.

I remember even asking a driver. And it was at night. And he's like, I told him straight up. I was like, I'm trying to make out with my lady back here. And he's like, well, I'll drive real slow if you break me off an extra $40. So I fucking hooked him up. And he drove like, he probably drove 25 on the interstate. Almost like a romantic sort of thing in a way.

because you don't get to go to that soul in the interstate. I mean, this was back when a miles per hour was probably 55. But he put the flashing lights on and shit. I felt like a fucking, like a president or something. I felt like I was traveling to heaven. But yeah, she was like sitting on my lap or whatever, making love back there. But yeah, I remember that, dude.

Graham, they'd always have something. It would be like some dude set his dick on fire or whatever. Or two dudes were looking for somebody's dick. Or it was always the stuff that happened on there was crazy. One time I'm on there, a guy's like, he said, hey, you want to see. something right and i thought it was going to be um his wiener or whatever he opens his bag up and it's just a it's just a bag of jewelry right like he just robbed a jewelry store then he picks the bag up and hands it to me

to look in it when he does that under the bag got his wiener out so i lost you know or he won or whatever i don't know what it was but um if you want to stop comedy tomorrow yeah just disappear. What would be the memories that you missed the most about doing comedy? Going up at the original room, for sure. Me too. And also bringing somebody up. There's something also special, fun about bringing somebody up.

And I think also just watching comedy in the original room. Me too. That's one of the things I miss about getting high, sitting in the back. Sitting in the back and watching comedy. But I mean like, if I was your son, And I came to you and said, Dad, I'm 21. I know you've earned money and you want me to go to Notre Dame, but dad, I want to follow in your footsteps, you know.

And at first you'd be a little upset, you know, can we do this later? I don't want your mom to hear this shit, you know? And then eventually you've got to deal with it. And in the process of dealing, you have to think of what you went through. The hotels, the buses, the people not paying you and all this shit. And I've got to be honest with you, including my jail sentence. the first 10 years of comedy and everything else that's happened

the last 40 years, I would do it all over again. I would do it all over again. It was well worth it. The ride, the education that I got as being a comic is world-renowned education. The shit we've seen on those trips and they lose your luggage

or plane rides or who's on the plane with you. And I think I missed a struggle. I miss struggle. miss struggling. That's who gets your dick card the next day. Yeah. I still don't like it easy. I got to struggle a little bit. There's something that's out there that I want a piece of and I'm like, do whatever I can to get it. I'm just making up an imaginary

scenario here. But that's what I enjoyed about living in L.A. That every day I could hit the lottery. Yeah. You know, you try to motivate people and speak to people. They understand what you're saying, but not really because they hadn't had it happen close to you. Proving myself, I think. That's one thing that I loved. You know, I think about somebody like Ralphie Mae.

I still remember me and Ralphie going to shop right and shoplifting turkeys and shoplifting co-cots and doing all these crazy shit. And all of a sudden one day later, he's living on Wilshire Boulevard in a fucking penthouse and he's got a coffee table with three pounds of weed on the coffee table of three different weeds. That's nice.

See, when you see that, you go, okay, that's what I want for myself. And if he did it, I can do it. Okay, that's what it's opening the door for somebody else. Like, I'm trying to get this guy on a podcast that I've been a fan of since I was in the eighth grade because he changed my whole life. He played for North Carolina, and he started as a freshman. Uh-uh. White dude, Irish kid, six foot seven.

And I still remember turning the TV on for the final game and them going from Jersey City, New Jersey, Michael Corrin and me going, that dude is a freshman. And he started at North Carolina. He's doing it. Wow. If he could do it, I have a chance to get the fuck out of here. Maybe not as a star like him.

But it let me know that there's more beyond Jersey City in your neighborhoods or, you know, more than some of Louisiana. I'm not putting Louisiana down. Yeah, no, but you're just saying the back of your mind, you're like there's something bigger out there. And if he went out there and got it, I'm going to go out there and get it.

Yeah. That hit home for me, and it still does. I think about Michael Corrin once a month. Wow. Because I knew the door he opened for me mentally. He opened this door mentally without ever knowing. Yeah. I want to get him on the podcast to thank him to his fucking face.

Michael Corrin? Michael Corrin. They even did a write-up about his mother in Sport Magazine because it was Rosie, her name, another Irish mom. And she was a waitress raising this single, you know, she was a single mom. Yeah. This motherfucker started as a fucking freshman. In the semifinals, he had 33 points.

The final four, he busted out 33 points. Then as a freshman, they ended up losing to Marquette. But that didn't matter to me. The fact that he was a kid from my fucking neighborhood. That was doing something. That was doing something. Just let me know I could fucking do this. Amen.

Not being a millionaire, not doing it, being a big time of coming. Just doing something. Just doing something, letting me know. Yeah. You know, look where you're from in Louisiana. There was a big time football player from there. That's you. Oh, yeah.

And you had them. And you had them. So let you know that you have a fucking little bit of a chance. Something's possible. Yeah, we had Anilo Silvan was this dude who, like, who lived like, he lived in the neighborhood right around from us. He lived over in the ozone. And he was like, he had like the Letterman jacket and he played football.

And I think he went to play University of Tennessee. Look at him up. if you can. Nilo Silvan, American former professional football player. Oh, he played for the Buccaneers. That's who it was. And where was he from? Can you click on his wiki? From Covington, Louisiana right there. That's who you're from? Covington.

Yeah. And so, man, it just, yeah, and he played college at University of Tennessee, do, so, yeah, there was something. When you saw him, it seemed like, oh, man, I, something, there's something possible. there's something possible out there. I could do something. I could do something. I could be a water boy. And Pistol Pete Marevich lived in our town.

So that was like a big deal. Why always got to get me start on Pistol Pee. Oh, fuck. You know, that's my idol, dog. He lived over there off a janky. Oh, dude, I got a pair of socks. I got to send you some Pistol Pete socks. I bought them years ago, never took them out the package.

They're nice. They're nice. They're just like a nice pair. Oh, he wore him? Oh, no. Because I'd sniff them if he wore them. Oh, fuck, dude. Oh, fuck it.

Bro. I let my wiener sleeve. when I'm at night. Oh, my God. So how close to Pistol P. graduate from you? Oh, I'm sorry. No, he grew, but his two sons grew up in our town.

So he, his ex-wife lived there. He had gotten a divorce or he passed away. Right, he passed. But they had a half court in a bat and at her house. So I remember we'd walk around and they had this house and we just kind of ridiculously shaped. And he just, he was a different duty. He built a half court in his attic. But it was like a real half court.

Like it was, the attic was just a, unique looking house. And so things like that were always interesting. And then Lee Harvey Oswald went to our middle school. And so it was like shit like that. It was like, I could be a, you know, I could. I could shoot the president. Yeah. Something, bro. I mean, you just, but little things, it didn't even matter. I don't care if Dracula went to our fucking kindergarten. It was like something could have happened, right? And there was like a lore in the air. That was another thing. It put lore in the air. One of my favorite stories, um, that I, tell people all the time now about you that I just even learned like two years ago was when

was that James J. Braddock that y'all used to go shovel snow in his driveway. Yeah, how crazy is that? Dude, that's like, dude, that Cinderella man is my favorite. I remember when Porriere fought over there in Jersey, I went and prayed at the statue before I went over there, dude, because I was like, this is it because he's kind of like, you know, he's my Braddock. He's a lot of people's Braddock in a way. But when you told me that story that he would break you guys off a couple bucks to shovel snow in his driveway. That's crazy. And he was just a regular guy. in their neighborhood. Just the regular guy and he had kids in the neighborhood.

And they became cops and shit like that. They just went and went and went. Yeah. I didn't know about the, how big James J. Braddock was when I was growing up. It was too late. I was 10, maybe 11, 12. And they told me that he was a famous boxer and shit.

Yeah. I told my mother, my mother said he was good, whatever the fuck. He was good. That was it. Yeah. It was good. She liked them and some shit. She saw him fight it.

some fucking thing. Because my mom would go to the garden to watch Fries. She went to mom, Ali Frazier at the garden. I still remember being fucking crying and shit. She left me with a babysitter. I was our broken, Doug.

I tried to get the babysitter to suck my dick for 20 bucks. And she took my 20 bucks in quarters and blew on my stomach. I was going to kill this bitch. I worked hard to get those $20 in quarters. Oh, at that age for sure, dude. How could you even? I was, and then the next morning my mom used to wake up,

me and make me like the pseudo oatmeal and then she'd have to give me uh yeah we grew up in a cuban house i have to drink orange juice with not uh the quartata in it or something cortata this shit what's something oil seed something like fish oil like fish oil oh i forget it's still around now they got it in different flavors so must face worse but for three years my mom would give me that or four years every morning. You puked it up. She didn't give a fuck. You're not going to school

until you drink this because I was a sickly kid. Yeah. And I still remember her pouring the thing from like, my, I got to talk to you. She had just woken up.

She was probably hung over and I'm like, my, I got to talk to you. Tita, I gave Tita 20 bucks to suck my dick last night. And she didn't suck my dick and my mom's looking at him. And I'm like,

what the fuck are you talking about? Yeah, that's unpayer. I get 20 bucks, mom. And if I don't get my money back, I'm gonna fucking kill her. I want my fucking money back, Mom. I'm gonna go in there and stab her right now. I was your kid, so $20 to me was a lot of money.

I was pissed. That's a year's salary. I still remember being fucking pissed about. She just, but I remember I got all fired up. I took a shower. Yeah. I put V-O-5 in my hair. I put a gold chain on.

Yeah. And I just sat in my little room, my little dick on. I thought she was coming in to suck it. No. So I told my mom, I go, I want my fucking money. So my mom goes, enough, enough, enough. I'll give you the $12. Just don't have the list this happen again.

And she goes, can I ask you something? She goes, let me ask you something. Yeah. I have a bar and there's always a bunch of hookers there. You think they'd suck your little dick for $20 fucking. It's usually $100. So when she told me, I'm like, what the fuck? $100 for a blow job at my mom's bar.

Oh, dude. My mom, I don't know if she was blowing people or not. I can't even remember. I'm trying to think. She dated, though, I remember, dude. And whoever she would date it, I'd always have, we'd have to be, if she dated one guy who gave us tickets to a football game, my brother and I went and a scalp or fucking the dude, some undercover cops, you know, offered a buy him from us. And then they tried to arrest

us for scalp and scalp and our tickets. And they're like, you guys are trying to scout, you know, sell to him like, but you're, we didn't know. You asked to buy, you know, just fucking we had another, my mom dated this guy, Donnie Ferrari. I used to, I worked as like a, um, they had to do this old door to door Italian food. He had a little wagon. He goes. go around and just sell it selling Italian and I worked at his apprentice my mom was kind of I think they were dating in hindsight for a bit. Now this is after your dad passed. No no no no this is before he was still a while because they'd been separated for a while. Right okay so they got separated but yeah my mom was she was uh I thought your mom said listen honey I love you but the dick don't work

no more oh I think I gotta go out and get mine I'm saying I got to go out and get mine I've been a mom I raised these motherfuckers I got to suck something. Dude my mom dated my mom dated this one dude and he would take us just to the continental breakfast at a motel and we'd go sit in there and eat dude we didn't even stay there bro you're already eating an apple for breakfast we'd get all dressed up and go eat there dude he wore like a cowboy hat we didn't fucking know he would take us in at a fucking holiday in over there and we'd sneak in off the side and just go fucking eat in there but uh what else happened yeah but she dated this guy donnie ferrari and he had like this um it was like that you know just italian i was his

apprentice when I was probably like nine or something we're selling fucking stromboli's door to door and shit we had a little waggon he had a little waggon and we'd full up and dude he was but he was trying to smash all these women and I finally caught on like this dude's supposed to be talking to my mother but he's out here and I'd be waiting there fucking they'd have a couple buntz and burners I'm fucking there warming up a little tray of fucking um you know uh man Akadis or whatever and he's in there massaging the lady's shoulders in the kitchen and shit like it was always some bullshit you know but that was pretty fun. That's back when they had like the swan's truck, the different food trucks would come through the neighborhood and you could buy the food directly off of some guy, you know? Wow.

But yeah, we sold door-to-door Italian for a while. And I wouldn't bad at it. It was just so fucking hot, dude. You're lugging 35 pounds of fucking Manacotti. I got a bike. No. Walking. We'd walk in and put it in his van and then drive it. Fuck. How were you left home? When I left almost 13, man, I went and lived with friends. Okay. And then how long till you left that area? How old were you when you left that area and said? I went and lived with my mom because then she moved out to Arizona.

I went to live with her for one semester out there. And then I moved back from my senior year of school. And that was fun, dude. That was so much fun. I was so lucky to be from Louisiana, bro. Just fun. People storytelling, but dude, there's people telling stories. And it's weird shit happening, dude.

I remember the first time I got a little bit of cocaine, you know. Cocaine. Oh, God. Oh. Down there? Yeah. And it's wet. It's always fucking wet, you know?

The top half inch is fucking, you know, it's the only, it's like comes with a head on it. You know? It's like, Mikey. It's like, I see Mike's head, dude. Yeah, it's like, yeah. Yeah, it comes with a fucking head on it, dude. But I bought some cocaine and I thought it was a performance enhancer like a creatine or something. So I'm fucking snoring this shit.

I ran eight miles out there on the railroad tracks, dude. And I didn't miss a fucking, you know, you used to go on railroad tracks. You're like, boom, those, the things going across, the wooden. I didn't miss a one boy I fucking was cruising How old were you the first time you did cocaine? Probably right then It probably was about 14 or something

Oh Jesus You beat me by a fucking year and a half Really? Fuck yeah But like one I do This one I do it he would ride a bike to work And he would And I'd give him some of my tip money

And he would do a little bit of cocaine He had two eyes when I met him And then when I remet him He only had one hour. The Coke was good. Something was good, dude. That shit was banging, Jack. It was so good.

His eye left town with some of it. You know, that shit was fucking good. But yeah, I was, I'm trying to think of something else. Oh, from growing up, dude, we had like a job that, one of my first jobs was, uh, we had this one dude named Fazi who had this fish finder service. And it was like, he had this thing like a fish. You remember there was like one, a hundred numbers. You could call to get like a tarot reading or whatever, like Miss Cleo or whatever. Well, this dude had one, and it was a fish finder.

He would call, you, you could call this service, and they would tell you where the fish in the state, where you could fish, right? So it was like, we got the bet, you know, like Lake Beauregard's got the fish, right? Or Chufoncta, you got them into chafonkta today. They got, you know, they got tarphing out there in South Lafouche or like, you know,

they got Bram off a Pecan Island or something like that. He would, so people would call this number and pay a fee to talk to him, and he would tell him where the good fishing was for that day. And so I worked over there at the little call center over there And you would just answer calls And you had to keep him on the line While he was waiting with the person he was already talking to

Because the guy lived in our area So that was pretty crazy, dude You would just bullshit with these motherfuckers Who were trying to get like a hot read on some bass Or whatever, you know? So, but even just shit like that, You get into it and then like life becomes like this sort of thing That's like, all right, you know, this is interesting.

And then I think God just blesses you With different characters that come by we had a guy at work i've heard this story before but he would deliver pizzas and um we'd make up fake he'd never watched any pop culture he never watched movies or anything he was like a born again christian or like reborn again or whatever it's called unborn or whatever fucking twice baked or whatever for christ or whatever he was just like a little potato skin for the lord this guy you know so he he but he would call he was a manager at the pizza joint so we'd make up fake pizza orders you know we'd make up a you know a pizza order for like uh you know you know a pizza order for like uh you

know it could be anybody it could be fucking Wesley Snipes right like four miles away wanted six pizzas so we'd make the pizzas he'd go take he had no idea never heard of Wesley Snipes he never owned a television anything like that he was always at church so he'd go deliver the he'd go out there we'd get drunk while he was calling this motherfucker would come back he was always wearing like a heathcliff t-shirt remember heathcliff that cartoon he was always wearing it said like heathcliff loves christ or whatever on it and he was always wearing that bitch and he'd come back and we would fucking be leaning on the brooms just bent out of our minds, bro. And but when he'd get back, it was almost like he was bringing the pizzas back for us

because we'd forgot he'd even send him out there. We'd drink so much draft beer while he was going. And the pizzas were still good enough, you know, to eat. We're like, fuck, yeah, we got pizzas. And we'd cheer him on when he got back. We're all excited. This motherfucker just whatever money the business was going to make for the day was just gone, bro.

And these pizzas was wet in the middle, bro. And I'll say that till I die, bro. The pizzas that they sold were wet in the middle. and that shit was a turnoff to me. Interesting, you fuck. That's pretty interesting shit. It was just interesting shit, you know? It was entertaining enough, you know?

I heard that you were going to be spending time down in Austin, man. So am I. I had to do it. I had to do it. Why? Just the mathematics is better for me. The stage time. The stage time.

Yeah, same. Like I said to your central Jersey, very nice. I'm out of the city an hour. But where I live, in my situation now, comedies roughs from nights, you know. And I find myself maintaining but not improving. Okay? Yeah.

I don't want to maintain. I got to, and for me, I know this from day one. For me to get anywhere, I got to do a couple spots, multiple nights. Yeah. So I started going down there. You know, when the Austin boom came, that wasn't for me.

I'm not that. I didn't need that that bad. I had already purchased that. I was here and I wanted to establish myself here. So Austin was nice. I always enjoyed myself there, but I wasn't going to just pick up a move because everybody else was doing it.

And bring my daughter. And then over the years, I started going twice a year. And I started going three times a year. And four times a year. You miss tacos. You go back down there again. And I noticed that ever since last November,

I started going down there once a month. And it was always the same thing. Tuesday, leave Friday, get there Tuesday morning, do three spots Tuesday, three Wednesday, three Thursday, and get on a plane. But then I come back here for three weeks and I do another one a week. So I was like, this is just. It's not enough. It wasn't enough.

And I just started making friends. And then, you know, I've been friends with Carly for I don't know how long. And as a friend, she's like, have you ever considered playing GTA? And I'm like, no, but I never played a video game in my life. I was always too busy stealing. Yeah. I don't have time for fucking games. That's what the game is.

That's what the game is about. You're streaming now? Yeah, I stream twice a week. Bro, I didn't even know that. Grant Deft Auto, whenever you want to come on, it'd be fucking dog. It is a blast. It is a fucking blast. I'm an old man.

I get it. I know. Don't you have a life? I don't think so. No. Who cares? The game wouldn't exist if you hadn't lived your life. Yeah, no.

You're right. Fucking you copy right. I'm over there running over people, robbing liquor stores, shooting people. It look, yeah, this is, I'm trying. I don't think you got ammo. Oh, my God. I just started shooting motherfucklers. Bro, that's awesome.

I just blew a guy up, bro. With the fucking. Can they do blowjob? Can you get a blowjob in this? I think you get a blow job at the strip club, but then Twitch will ban you. Oh. Right? Twitch will ban you if you get a blowjob at a strip club.

Listen, I didn't know what I was doing. These guys taught me how to do it from stretch. Yeah. And I go on there like tonight I might go on there, but maybe not because Carly can't stream tonight. Maybe I'll go on there Sunday nights. The other night, I got out at one in the morning. I went out to do comedy and podcast,

and I got back. Carly was streaming. We have another friend. We have three of us, Pedro. And we fucking go off on that, man. I eat a few edibles. I smoke some dope. I put my little earphones on.

I got music. Everybody's sleeping. I got my little office in the back to play it. And if this is what I'm doing now, this is what I'm doing. Dude, it's how the times are. There's not, some people, there's not even a lot of jobs out there. You can't grow a crop. You grow a fucking, you grow a pumpkin or whatever.

It's got damn, you know, it's got metals in the middle of it and shit. Everything's got, you know, things are so messed up now. You got a cornfield, but half of the corn's got, and Velcro on it growing out of it and shit. Like everything is just merged out. It's like, yeah, if you're an adult playing video games. I didn't do it as a kid. I didn't play any fucking games.

Then you earned it, dude. Every kid should be able to play video games. That's why I tell people, I'm 63. I'll let you know what I want to do when I grew up as soon as I find out. I don't know what I want to do when I grow up. I'm having a good time doing what I'm doing. And, you know, that having, I love seeing Joe once a month. Oh, yeah.

Perfect for me. Two, three days of Joe, talking some shit, smoking some dope in the green room. It's not even that. I like going to sunset hanging out with Red Band. Yeah. You know, I'm going to start going more to Creek in the Cave. I got to start going over there and torture Rebecca. It's a nice little comedy community.

If the guys like us, we're right there. You want to do another spot, go to the Volkland. Right. And beside that, how many open mics are there there? Well, dude, you can go down there. And what would take you a year in another city? I think you can do in four months down there. Yeah, comedy-wise.

I really believe that. Even in L.A., if you're popping around, it's still extra popping around, you know. But there, you can manage it up and get it in, especially if you're really working on it. You could do three spots by nine, good spots in front of good audiences. Go to fucking Austin. The show started seven.

Some of them started six. It just mathematically, it just made sense. I kept going on there and seeing my hotel bills, seeing this. I'm like, I need a pad. Yeah. And then I went to Red Bands building. Have you got out to that building?

Uh-uh. And that's why I picked an apartment. I'm in Red Bands building. I'm on the 44th fucking floor. Is it fancy? Oh, yeah. Fucking everything. Red lights on the downstairs.

Cold plunge, poker room, fucking supermarket downstairs. If you need food, you get the supermarket. They got everything. They do it all for your Amazon returns. Mm-mm.

They don't. They'll return it for you? Oh, my God. put it in a room and they... I have a bunch of shit I'd never wanted. And I just have it, dude. We started making ornaments

out of some of it last year. We fucking hanging this shit on the tree of just Amazon return. There was so many, you know, the people who come to our shows love us and they bring us gifts. And I would just come home and put the gifts in the closet,

open what I could. Yeah. When I moved, I cleaned out that closet. It was six feet deep with shit all the way to back. I opened up like two hours with the packages.

Guess what I found? I found. $34,000 in cash that people would put money and cards to me. You just pay 30 to come see me. Why are you putting a $100 bill? You're giving me more money than you paid for the fucking ticket. But that's the people we have coming to our shows. They're very grateful.

So you've got to take the fucking extra leap. They're going to be that cool. When I opened that up, thank God. There was books. People give me books and I'd open them. And in the middle, it'd be $500 cash. I had like two books like that. Really?

A couple guys put the money at the end of the book. Damn. It was fucking. look at some of them then. I've had some books. Yeah. Would you do a monthly show down there? Yeah, I got my dates already. You do? The first third Thursday at a month, seven o'clock show in the big room. And that's October? October, 16th. Oh, man, I'll be down there. November something and December. I got booked closed. And then what I'm doing is, so I'll do that room Thursday and then hang out Friday and then Saturday. See, A is going to get me

something I go do like a casino or a theater. And then I come home on Sunday. November. December's interesting. December's interesting because I'm going to do Tulsa, Houston, and then I'm going right to Austin. I'm going to stay there to like the 18th. Finish out the year there. When I come home, I'm home for Christmas.

But my wife wants to go back down to the 26th of December. Does she like it down there? Yeah, and my daughter really fucking liked it. Really? Remember, I was going to get a one bedroom and I'm like, ooh, one bedroom. I need some more fucking room. You need some room.

That we go. Joey Diaz and friends. Look at Joe Rogan. Look at the fly. It looks like they made it. from fucking paper mache. I got to talk to Adam. Oh, yeah, that's crazy.

I'm doing that. Just one show a month covers my rent and the fucking plane thing. Yeah. And I get to see friends. I get to eat. That's the biggest thing. You get to watch and see people.

That's the thing I start to notice, man. You know, I had to take some time. Like, thankfully I've had some time off. I was having, like, I tried to get on new med. I tried to get off of my meds. And I was trying, like, different plant medicine stuff. Because I really wanted to get off meds. Right.

You know, I've always wanted to. Because I got on them. 23 years ago because I was going through a bad time in a relationship and I've still been on them bitches. I went on one six years ago and I'm trying to get off it. Yeah. I don't even see it affecting me anymore. Like I don't even see if you work out and do all the other shit and you get.

Somebody watching Jaws. Is it affecting us or no, we're good? No, no. Yeah, but it'll be so good down there, dude. And it's like, yeah, but yeah, I had to take a little bit. Listen, man, when I went down, I told you what happened last time. I was headed down there Saturday at 10 in the morning. That night, I get home from whatever I'm doing.

I open up Instagram to see what's going on. And you made a pop, and I'm like, I didn't want to call you to tell you I was coming down. I want to give you a hug and surprise you. Yeah. So when I went down, Saturday, that's all I was doing. And I went to do a show on the other side of town. And somebody goes, Theo's at the mothership right now. All right, mothership?

Yeah. And I said, all right, let me shoot over there. And when I got there, they said, you just missed the motherfucker. Oh. And I stayed there for an hour. And then they called back again. They're like, we're all at whatever. Betty.

Becky, come on down. You know, Theo's down there. That's when I got on the bicycle with the five girls. One of them was my niece. One of them was Carly, my partner. Yeah. And then there was Christina Mariani, who was... She's the best.

She's the best. And Little Orr. And I had a blast at those bitches. They took me to fucking the bed. See, we walked out of that 4.30 in the morning. I don't know. I haven't stayed out past one in 20 years. Yeah.

And here I am in Austin, Texas, 4.30 in the morning, not even sweating, not even, I had a couple cocktails in me. That was it, but I had the best time. And that's the other thing, man. I gotta do a lot to find happiness in town because at my age, the biggest thing you wanna have is communication in your day.

It's great, you wanna be alone, that's great, but you have to communicate with other people. That's why I go to gyms in the morning. Oh, isolation is bad, you. I go to boxing gyms. At this age, is the biggest thing. thing that'll get you. Yeah.

It's boredom and not having social. I'm 20 years older. The other dad's in my block. I get it. Right. I'm a fucking dinosaur compared to them in. And when they talk, I don't know what they're talking about either.

So the only people I have a couple girls that are my friends, like moms. Yeah. That I met through softball and shit. They'll call me and say, we're meeting up here if you want to come by, have a drink. Beside that,

there's no guys who call me. Wow. I got like three neighborhood girls. Dude, my friend, yeah. One of my friends ended up working with me. So now we're, coworkers, which is nice. We're still friends, but it's working also. So there's part of that always in it. One of my good friends, he was playing football there. And now he graduated over there.

He was playing at college. And then some other friends have moved out of there. So yeah, Nashville's like, it's good, but I don't have as much of that. Like, I got a good Bible study over there, though. But I don't have some of that like day-to-day contact that I want. But and the AA's gotten better over there. So that's been good for me. How are you doing with the program? Let's talk about it before. Yeah, it was getting choppy, man. I'd had some tough times this summer, you know, but it's gotten better. Sorry. No worries. It's gotten better, man. Um, yeah, I don't know. I think there was just like, I don't know what was going on. Life just fucking got kind of crazy at certain points.

Just like, sometimes there's just a lot going on. And it was just like, you know, I got away from my program, you know. I think there was a point to where I think over the years I was just touring too. It was just too much, you know? And you don't, like, I guess you do know, but I don't know. Some of you just learn them for the first time. You're like, I don't know what's going on here, you know. You make some money.

You don't know what that's like, you know, popularity. Some of the, some things get scary. But yeah, I had just gotten away from my program, you know. And so I had a lock back in. And so now it's been good. Because most of the time I've had, it's been sober time. You know, it's just when you, you know, it's just I've had, yeah, more recently, it's just it's been choppier than I would, than I would want.

This is very much, you do the same shit every day to get you to where you're going. And for me, ever since I moved you, I'm not going to lie to you, six years ago, I was struggling with mental health, signed up and spoke to a therapist, went on some type of medication. It was not good. I looked you in the face and tell you, my, I got dark when I left L.A. And then I was that shit where my mother started about she never showed up So it was like a long 18 months and therapy really helped me I figured out what the trouble fucking spots are and if I wake up at three in the morning and

Theo's on my mind there's a problem I have to talk to Theo yeah I used to ignore those things You know I would get up to piss at three in the morning go fuck I'm thinking about this date I took and I shouldn't have and all that shit right And once you start getting a lot of those in my life something something's not right. So I had to eliminate those. Like something happened last week, I woke up two nights in a row thinking about something.

I got up this week and cleaned that shit up instead of letting it ride. Right. Can't do that. Because I was so busy with comedy and being a dad and podcasting that you overlook a lot of things. And right now I'm about to do that again

at the age of 63 with podcasting and stuff like that. So I just had to learn how to take care of my mental. I started paying attention to a lot more. Anything that jolts me a little bit, I'm done with. Yeah. You know, I was doing great in L.A. I was doing theaters, two theaters every weekend, two podcasts a week, eight spots a fucking week.

I'm doing all these fucking things. And now, I wasn't happy. I just was not fucking happy. Wow. I didn't like how things were being handled in my life. I didn't like the bullshit that was going with it. So I said, you know what? I switched agents.

I stayed with CAA. Nothing with the other agent. I just didn't like how we were doing business. I didn't like, I shouldn't cringe when you call me. I shouldn't look at the phone and go, fuck, what's this motherfucker want? And that's what was happening. So I had to go back and clean all that up.

And I decided I'm going to do comedy, but it's not corporate comedy. It's 63. I don't give a fuck if I get canceled. Yeah. I don't give a fuck about anything. As a matter of fact, there's only one thing I care about

is being funny and making sure those people have a great show. I don't have Netflix on my mind. I don't want to do a special. I don't want to do much. I got an audition for a voice album to do it. It's for Ghostbusters. That I'll do.

But everything else, I'm not in the corporate mood anymore. I'm not in the mood where people are coming up to me with three people after the show. You're great. I'm not in the mood for that shit. Yeah, that's a bunch of fucking fucking regalia. That's just a bunch of shit

to take you off your game. So now this is why I incorporated Austin in my life, incorporated what I'm doing now. I'm just going to be funny at 63. And I have an 18th month window until I turn 65. And that goal is to give it all out, balls out, and try to be the best I can until I'm 65. Then I'll see where ticket sales are and everything else.

And I'll reevaluate. I'm a lucky 63-year-old because right now I'm supposed to be on a ship. Yeah. Meanwhile, I'm out here handpicking gigs that offer it at me. Casinos, they pay well, you know, little residencies. Oh, yeah. You can do something. Yeah, there's a lot of possibilities.

So why am I? stressing. I was doing the road completely different before. It was corporate and it was business. I was only there to pick up a check on Saturday. I was not happy until that check came in my hand. I don't look at it like that. No more. I don't even want to fucking check. I want to have a good time.

Yeah. If I don't have a good time, I have the check. Yeah. I'm just, so that's my outlook now. I ate with this window. Somebody asked me why five-year window. I'm like, I'm 63. I got one from the grade one, but that appeal ain't no window.

It's like a fucking flea window. It's like a doggy door. Yeah, it's a doggy door. So, but then I said, no, you have to live with some type of purpose and you have to have some type of purpose or you stand up. And this is what I'm doing. I'm happy to hear that, man. Yeah.

I'm glad, dude, because, yeah, and we need your energy there. And I need to hear that. Because, yeah, I'm getting back. It's like I take it some time off, you know. We got to put a special together that's going to come out at some point soon. But, yeah, I've just taken some time off. I just started getting back on stage. I got up with Janus.

Pop, it's a couple weeks ago, dude. Okay. Bro, that was one of the, he's one of the funniest. He's a funny dude, Janice Popper. He does not fuck around. Bro, his show right now is probably the fun. It's one of the funniest shows I'd ever seen. Really?

The tour he's doing now? It was so good, man. So you jumped on stage with Janus and Austin that. Yeah. Right. You went up before his set. Yeah. Okay, yeah, he's a fun guy.

He's a good guy. And I like Joe DeRosa. There's a lot of guys down there that. that I really think the world of. Like the young comics. And that young energy. If you're young and want to kill, you want to be a hustle,

you want to be in it, they're down there, man. And the energy is really good for guys my age. We both have something to give each other. I have the wisdom of 30 years that they ask me a question. I can put them at ease. Yeah. And they have the gift of making me feel young.

Amen. Give me the opportunity to go up there and rock like I was 24. Like you're saying, being around people gives you energy, bro. Energy. Yeah. it's all like I'll go hang out around like, I'll go like I'm a Vanderbill football fan.

Right. I see that. I like LSU because that's obviously where I'm from. But Vanderbilt's the city that I live in, right? They play out of Nashville. And so like last year, I went to like nine of their games last year. On the road at home. I mean, they played 11 games. I went to 9.

They played 12. I went to nine. And it just gave me so much life because you're to surround energy. It's a maximum amount of energy. And that's real college football is real energy. That's not fucking around. That's, you know, I tell people, you don't know, life is till you go to a college football.

Oh, yeah. NFL's the NFL. Yeah. College is, you feel the love in the air. Everybody's having a good time. Somebody's got their fucking tits out. Yeah, so always at those games. One girl isn't doing a somersault and she's fucking beautiful.

Oh, you could throw your dick into the crowd of the land in some girls. Yeah. You could feel the, you could feel something that's unlike pro football. Oh, yeah. It's something real. Which is real, you know. Pro football's turning to just more gambling and people just trying to like, you know, people trying to just gamble and just probably lie to their spouse or whatever.

But it's definitely a pro football's turning it into a bit more of a racket. What I wanted to talk to you about before I left was our plan for the future. I love you a lot. You're like a steps onto me. And when I bumped into you in Austin, you said something to me that night that really made me think. And then I started counting for you. I started counting the days for you to give you as much support as I can.

can give you, I'm not there all the time. Yeah. I'm not there all the time. And I really want you to do well with this now. I really want you to put your, because you have a whole world ahead of you that you don't know, and I'm going to explain it to you now. I did cocaine from 1979 to 2007. What's that? That's 21 years plus seven is...

200. 28 years. 28 years. 28 years I had that in my body. It was in my thought, and it does affect you. Yeah. You know, it's not just one pack of... once a week. Now you're doing five packages a week. And it starts becoming you. I ended up

kidnapping somebody. I ended up paying my debts of society. And what did I do when I came on? I went right back to the bag. Oh, dude, I fucking, yeah. And I started comedy during the bag. I got married. I got divorced. I was dead broke. I went through hell for a lot of years. And you were in the bag the whole time? Oh, fuck yeah. There was no stop in nothing. There was always a bag. I got divorced. I don't talk to that daughter. It's been 20-some years since I spoke to that daughter all because of that patch of life, but I want you to think of all what I'm telling you. At 44, I made a decision to stop snort and coke.

That was 19 years ago, this November will be 19 years. I want to tell you what I've accomplished in 19 years to what I accomplished in 44 years. It's not even close. Wow. Marriage, a child, a career, podcasting. I did all these things in that little fucking window. So every morning when I wake up,

up my regret is I wish I had 15 more of those years to see what the damage I could have done how high I could have worked if I would end up in arenas or whatever I'm content with what God gave me I'm grateful for what I don't have and for what I do have if you have a cocktail one time even if you decide to eat a 10 milligram edible I'm talking about the shit that gets us down the most, the drug that has driven us down the most is what you have to get out of your system. And Jesus Christ, in 19 years, I became a dad, the same. Was it stuff you never thought you could do? Never.

Wow. Never. And you get this superpower. You get to see who the real you was. Yeah. Once you uncover that thing, what's about to come out, if you stick to the program, and what's working the program, I have to go to a meeting eight times a day. that's bullshit.

Yeah. I want you to go to a meeting once a day. I want you to wake up every day with the intention that you're there to make someone's day, whether you give them $1,000 or open up a car door for them to, so that day is better. So, sobriety isn't just fighting off the devil. It's us amorphing into the new us and figuring out what the fuck the drugs have covered.

What views have been covered by the drugs, what part of our lives have been hidden. Oh, yeah. And that's when you're going to, A woman will pop into your life. She gets knocked up in too much and she's going to give you twins and they're beautiful two girls.

You know, this is the things that I'm saying to you, look, you just bring that me. Yeah. Because your options are so much when you're sober from the shit that almost killed you. I mean, how long was I going to continue to do it, bro? How long was I going to go to prison again?

Or how long put me in fucking prison. You know, and I still went out the next week, that's the moment. months that addiction is. But once you cut that motherfucker's head off, yeah. The shit that comes out of you, man, it takes a while. But you'll start thinking things. I'm going, I never thought like that before. Oh, yeah. I mean, the best times I've ever had, I think, or the best that, yeah, the time I've operated the best in my life has been times when I've been sober, you know. And most of the time, it's been that way. But it's like when it's gotten off where it hasn't been, it's definitely,

it's been tough, you know. And then you start to get isolated too. That never helped me. Sometimes it was like over touring. That didn't help me. But yeah, I've always gone to meetings. You know, I just had, there was just, there was a time where, yeah, like in the past, probably six months has been tough to keep a lot of time together, you know.

But, uh, but now it's, it's back on track. And so that's been the best feeling. But I appreciate that. And I've always. I got your back, man. I got your fuck. Even though I'm 20 miles, 2,000 miles. Without you, I think about you three, four times a week.

I don't like bothering you because I know you're on, you're in different time zones every 15 fucking minutes. You're in a different time zone. Yeah. But I want you to know I have your back. I'm cheering for you because I really want you to get the happiness that you've been looking for for years, for years. It might not be a woman.

Might not be a kid. It might not be a horse. You're going to feel. This is way better than a peptide. Yeah. No peptide, no blowjob. Nothing can make you feel. what you're about to feel once those fucking rocks start getting out of the way and the real

you comes out. What did you notice for yourself? Like was there one kind of thing or two things that really? There was something right off the bat that I had forgotten in all my addiction. The first thing I forgot was that I was a fucking man. And there's a certain way to talk to me. There's a certain way not to talk to me. Whether you're a talent agent, a producer, a director, you're going to talk to me a certain

way. And I'm going to give you the same mutual respect. And I remember one that I flipped out of the fucking direct on a commercial shoot. And everybody loved it because the guy went on. He's one of those guys that comes up with the sleeves rolled up to show the tattoo and the hat with the feather and the Chinese assistant. Some fake ass orphan or whatever. And I found myself sticking up for myself more, not giving the fuck about. Because what I really gave a fuck wasn't ruining my career.

It was ruining my little secret. But I might not be able. I'm not going to stick up for myself because I won't be able to snort Coke three nights from that. now. Once I didn't have that no more, I became a fucking animal. That's it. You're going to treat me like a man, bitch. I'm not one of these motherfuckers in Studio City. Oh, my God, I brought you a cake. Nah. Yeah. I got talent, motherfucker. All right. I have to show up with nothing. Right. It was things like that that. But I started like in L.A. I started, you know, people call you, hey, it's 340 in the afternoon. You want to go to this audition at 6 downtown? Can I ask you a question?

Were you saying your mother down there at 6? Yeah. Why are you sending me down that? Fuck you. Fuck you. Yeah. Sticking up for yourself. Not in the weird way. I'm very appreciative that you got me on audition, but just the things that Hollywood

gets you confused. Yeah. They start tripping your brain up a little bit. And when you see them, those guys are all the same. Yeah. They talk a big game until you say, how about I slap you in the mouth,

watch what happens. The police get involved. This is not right. Yeah. But when you did it, it was right. When you walk around this set and embarrass people and talk, you know, the women.

Just fucking around. I heard the director tell a woman she was too fat. Yeah. I don't want you standing over that. He didn't say nothing about the lighting. He just blatantly because he thought he could do that. Tell this girl that was like 28. You're too fat.

I can't have you stand there. When I heard that I was like, wow. Yeah. And you take that shit because you think that's part of your career. You think it's part of it. Fuck you, motherfucker. A lot of these Hollywood dudes, they get bad. They give bad, they give a bad name the real cool gay dudes

and regular fass or whatever. They ruin them. Regular f***. Because they're, you know what I'm saying? Because they ruin them because they're trying to be fucking cool. That shit. That shit was holding me back. Your original thoughts of how you feel, whatever religion you're part of.

Yeah. There's something that you paid attention to younger. Now you feel stronger about it. Yeah. There's so many things that you see that have been cut off from your life. And you're like, how did I forget that? Yeah. How did I forget this?

Yeah. Some disconnection. In a nutshell, I think it's hard. but I want to be on this planet when you start reaping the reward from that because I want you to call me every three months ago, Joey, this is getting fucking crazy. Wow.

This is getting fucking crazy. I'm not talking about you involving an orgy. Life is going to get crazy. Yeah. Numbers are going to start changing. People are going to start changing. It gets real. And this is what you were supposed to feel since day one.

When I started Coke and I do a show the next night, it would be great. I would kill, but I could feel the connection. wasn't there. I'm connected now. I've been connected for 17 years now. I know exactly what passes through my mouth and how it goes out. So if I could give anything to anybody, I want you to feel that, what I feel, because I know it's going to solve 89% of your problems. Yeah. I could promise you that. I could gamble my life on that. If you stick to this program, you're on right now. A couple weights, you're not doing like, you don't have to become Mr. N.A. and get a

tattoo. Yeah, no, I don't need all of that. You know, you don't need all of that. You don't need all that. Just where your heart is, we're going to be a fucking killer. You're a killer now. I just need to keep my, yeah, I just got to keep building more time.

And right now, I don't know, at clock you at 40, you're going to have the last 20 years of your life be how you intended to live them. And that's something I can't sell you. And that's something, N.A.

can't sell you. And I love those programs because those programs really help you. I didn't like the Hollywood N.A. I went to it a couple times when I stopped sawing Coke. it would drive me back to snort coke because they don't adhere to the program.

Well, sometimes they'd have dudes in there selling coat. Yeah, they're selling Coke. They go to a doctor that gives them replacement pills to get your high. They all come up with the day. I still remember being at that meeting, it was on, I think, a little off the... No.

It was awful. Santa Monica Boulevard? Yes. I went to a couple of them there. Too many people had their tattoos. Yeah. People have like a bag of Coke. tattooed on them and shit like that.

You know, have a fucking, they had a gay dude in there. He was always sucking on people. He had a fucking big gulp tattoo that gay dude, that big black dude. They call him the vacuum or whatever that. Mother fucker, bro. Do not even take your wiener out around that guy. It'll end up in his mouth. But yeah, it was a trying time over there.

Maybe trying. Yeah. But yeah, dude, thank you, bro. That's my gift to you. Because I love you. You're the real deal. Holy fear. I've always loved it.

It's easy. So that's what I want you to really get in your life. Well, I appreciate that, dude. Yeah, I'm, uh, I feel better than ever that I'm in. You look better than that, though. I could see it. And this time, out all the other time, I see a little bit more confident in your eyes.

I watch your podcast, talk. I watch you. You know, whenever I see a video, you jumping up and down in Vanderbilt, I look at you and I make sure you out of you. Oh, yeah, I was fucking gooning out there. You wait last night and, you know. Yeah, Lane Kiffin's got people out there.

He's, he's two losses away from probably getting busted for something. But TBD. That's his life. That's it, brother. He keeps things exciting. What else? I'm trying to think if there's anything else we want to talk about. I mean, anything else you wanted to talk about, Joey?

No, I'm pretty good. I got it out of my chest when I wanted for you and I love you and that's it. Appreciate it, bro. We could promote some dates or whatever, but I don't give a fuck. I have nothing in September. I have the 30th in Brooklyn. Can you pull his dates out? And that's all I got, brother.

Just happy to be here with you. I'm happy you came to New Jersey. Yeah, right there. We got Brooklyn, New York, September 30th. Chicago Theater, November 5th. For the comedy festival or Burt, I think I got Riverside Theater in Milwaukee on the 7th. Oh, that's going to be beautiful, dude. So that's where I'm at.

But who gives a fuck about the dates? We'll put them up. Yeah, we'll figure this out, brother. Coco Diaz, bro. Love you, bro. Love you, brother. Thanks for thinking of me. And have a great week.

And I'll see you. I'll see you in Austin. I'll see you in Austin. Next month.