This Past Weekend - 7-17-17: Disneyworld, Nationalism, Infidelity, & Cat recipes | This Past Weekend #33

Episode Date: July 17, 2017

Theo visits the most happiest place on Earth. Callers on Nationalism and infidelity. Cat recipes.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This Past Weekend Alright, alright, check, check. Are we cruising? Okay, we're cruising right there. Let's get going right here. It is Monday, July 17th, and welcome to This Past Weekend. I'm Theo Vaughn. I appreciate you guys joining me. I'm in Orlando. I'm in Vaughn appreciate you guys joining me I'm in Orlando I'm in Orlando Florida

I know the audio is kind of bad in here I had to set up shop next to this sink and one of those loud refrigerators you know I think a lot of a lot of these like mid-level hotels they put in the refrigerator in the room it's not it never keeps anything cold.

It basically is just something loud in the corner. It's almost like a pet. It's like having a grandparent that has dementia, but that has adult asthma, or that kind of snores a little while they sleep and that it's always, you know, those, they're always just, it's just too much, man. It's always just, it's like a rattle. Like the thing always just sort of rattles a little bit, like it'll just kind of click

on, even though it's on all the time every now and then the the refrigerator just sounds like it just cuts like ha ha like somebody startled it or something you know like somebody just tried to shove something up its freezer section i don't know i'm in orlando man it's late i had a long day i'm about to get into it uh but I want to thank you guys for joining me. I hope you had a good weekend. I think a lot of people are still enjoying some of that 4th of July-ness and a little bit of that aftermath of Labor Day and vacation time. I went to Disney World, man. I went to Disney World this weekend. That's probably the biggest thing that I did. I was down here at the Orlando Improv and I went to Disney World. And I don't know if you've been down to Disney, but I have before. I went twice. I went once as a child. My mother saved up some money,

I'm sure, and took my brother and I to Disney World. My father didn't go. He was probably 75 at the time and he stayed at home. And our mom took us. And I only have a few maybe vague recollections from that, just still images in my head. But I went to Disney World when I was in high school. And we took acid. We took some LSDd now this was a time when people were experimenting with drugs which is all the time in america you know if you've ever been around or opened your eyes in america you'll see people on drugs and we went there we took a bus from louisiana over to orlando florida here where i am right. And we stayed in some shit motel

and it was a school organized trip. And they brought us down. And I remember on the bus, I'd been seeing a gal at the time in high school. And I remember we're making love on the bus. I remember that, you know, getting in the middle of the night. I remember, you know, her, you know, just escalating her body on top of me and making love and really making that joy, adding more joy to that bus ride than usual bus rides because I've been on some other bus rides and I'm happy to talk about those.

And I would like to just, while I'm thinking about it, let's make that the topic for next week. If you have been on a wild bus ride, I'm talking Greyhound or a bus adventure of some sort, Peter Pan, you know, one of those troubled bus lines, and if you've had a wild experience, you can hit the hotline and let me know about that, and we'll try to drop some of those in for next week. That number is 985-664-9503. Now back to your regularly scheduled programming. So we got down to Orlando and somebody had some acid.

And so we took some acid, you know, a little bit of LSD. And I remember if something was in this LSD, it made everybody look Asian. You know, if I don't know if we, you know, if the guy who'd gotten it had copped it off of a, you know, an Asian guy or a Viet or, you know, a Cambo, a Cambodian. They call them Cambos, a lot of people. But we had that Vietnamese acid or whatever it was, a Cambo acid. And I remember everybody I looked at looked Asian, you know, and I got thin eyes, so game recognized game. But when I'm on that acid and everybody's, it just made everybody look Asian. So we're, we came there and it was like graduation night and all of my high school

buddies, probably about eight or nine people on acid and didn't tell the rest of the class. And we're just running around um it's a small world we probably went on that about nine times some kid kept drinking the water out of pirates of the caribbean and he got sick he drank probably about two gallons of it and he got pretty sick but uh we just spent the whole night on acid uh running around and doing the different rides and being scared of each other and being scared of ourselves and hiding in the bathroom. And like six of us tried to split a hamburger. That's how geeked out we were and couldn't even do it. Couldn't even eat it. But that was a good time. And that was part of high school, you know, but that was the last time

I'd been to Disney World. And that was only one of two senior trips now we'd taken another senior trip to Mexico Mexico you know one of the larger countries south of America and we got down there and everybody I remember bought a bunch of prescription pills and was doing was stealing each other's stuff I mean it wasn't but a couple of probably nine hours we were down there in Cancun and half the class, and this was a senior trip in high school, half the class was, you know, hopped up on prescription pills

and stealing each other's luggage and selling each other's shit on the streets and, you know, stealing each other's, whatever it was at the time. We didn't have cell phones. We had those calculators, TI-85s, those fancy U-laters. And we were those number crunchers that do algebra. And we were stealing those and selling them and buying more pills.

And, I mean, for a group of 17 or 18, 19-year-olds, it only took us about 12 hours to go completely AWOL and half of us be addicted to painkillers and out there selling each other's goods and different type of textiles and wares. So that got bad, and then everybody's fighting. And half of us were sharing a room, and I remember we were stealing stuff from each other and hiding it in the same room we were in. So that right there will tell you what some prescription pills will do to you. So that's one thing you need to stay off of.

But anyhow, that was, and a lot more happened on that trip. But that was some of those high school trips. And one of those was to Disney Town, Florida. And I'm here this weekend in Orlando, Florida. And some lovely ladies, Miss Suzanne and Megan, they just hit me up actually on the hotline. And they said, Theo, we would love to take you to Disney World. And I said, I would love to go.

And Jiggy, he's a comedian as well. His name is Jiggy, and he's a white guy. Because you think Jiggy, you know, you think it's more of an urban hip-hop name, you know, Jiggy! But it's not. It's a white Jiggy. And he's a very funny comedian. He tours with the Impractical Jokers, and he's a great guy. No ego on this young man, really great guy.

But he came along with us as well, and he met some little bird the night before she came. So we got a motley crew out there at the—and his friend Giovanna came as well. So we had a great little crew out there at Disney World. We got there early, out of the gate. I was up at 8 a.m., Did not want to be awake. Did not want to go see the mouse. But we got there and it was a great time, man. We got a little bit of sun. You get there and you park and then you get on the tram. And it seemed a lot more like a theme park than it did like a magical kingdom. That's where we went. We went to Magic Kingdom.

But when I was young, I remember even in high school, it seemed like, wow, Disney World, you know. But as an adult now, it seemed a little bit more just like a theme park, you know, like, okay, it's, you know, you get, you go on the rides, you wait in the lines. It's not as, more of the magic was for the youth, I found. But it was very picturesque. You know, they had the lines. It's not as, more of the magic was for the youth, I found. But it was very picturesque. You know, they had the castle. I mean, it was 100 degrees. You got the little gerbils out there,

chipmunks, you know, Alvin and Simon, or whoever they are, and they're out there, you know, just sweating. I mean, you could just see their fur just drenching up at the paws and at the elbows from the sweat. And they didn't even have a lot of, you know in Wonderland was out there but she looked man she looked like she'd

been through some things you know like she'd been living in Reno for a little bit but we got there and you get on the tram and they take you first of all they take you right past where the little baby got eaten by the alligator. We fought the alligator. And I used to have dreams a lot of times when I was younger where babies would be fighting animals. And so it's hard for me to not say, it's hard for me to say I haven't seen animals and babies fight each other because I have, you know, I haven't seen it live. You know, I don't even think, I don't't know if you can see that even in Mexico or in maybe Russia I bet you could probably still see some of that that type of you know gambling activity and such but but um but in my dreams I've seen it often I remember they had a tournament one time over about a week and a half when I was sleeping not consecutive

sleeping but in the evenings you know resting rest. And I would have these different dreams of different babies and animals in this big tournament and fighting each other and fighting each other off. And, and, and then, you know, it kept narrowing down and narrowing down until you had one animal that won. And that animal was a, I want to say it was a lynx, I believe. Large cat, dark kind of looking black cat. But not a black cat like you see just on your street or on a side street. A black cat you have to really get into the woods to see. Kind of like the evil black cat in jungle book, something like that. But it, uh, it beat a pretty strong baby in the last, um, kind of dream that I'd had, but anyhow, I'm getting tangential here, but let me tell you this.

So you drive right past the place where that baby fought that alligator and lost. And so that's a little crazy out of the gate because you haven't even gotten to the magic. And then they got this, I mean, you literally go right over the beach. We've all seen the pictures of the beach and the, you know, the roped off area where, you know, the alligator just snatched up that baby. And so that's wild because you've just seen that and you get there and uh and then you get to to the park and you go in and you see the magic castle and uh a friend of mine one of the friends that went with us this young lady geo she was telling us that they there's a whole underground city there at disney and i'm like, wow, you know, this is very much like Vietnam. You know, when you think about it.

Because, you know, the Vietnamese, they would really, they had these, the Cu Chi tunnels. And if you're not familiar, you can look that up. And that's spelled C-U-C-H-I. I think separate words. But the Cu Chi tunnels,

where the Vietnamese would hide in the ground. And then, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck. Just poke you out with, you know, bamboo spikes up through the ground and surprise you and kill you. But Disney's not like that. You know, they're trying to show you joy. But they have a whole underground city, apparently. Where the, you know, the Disney-et- Disney Vietnamese, if you will, are down there just subbing out chipmunks and subbing out dancing raccoons and wild animals or Winnie the Pooh,

whoever their characters are that are on the lot that day that are up there rocking regular ground. They got it where they're subbing each other out and kind of piping each other in and out so it's pretty it's just crazy to just even hear that and then you'd see some of the activity you'd see like somebody you know you'd see like oh oh this crazy walrus from you know from the walrus movie he'll disappear around a building and then you'd see another walrus come out and he'd be like maybe just a two inches taller you know he'd be like oh look at that walrus you know i know he didn't just grow behind that building so you know it's just interesting to start to

see some of the inner workings of it you know if you really as an adult you're able to take a you know you're not as mesmerized by the childhood enamorations of it all and you were able to take a, you know, you're not as mesmerized by the childhood enamorations of it all. And you were able to, you're able to actually see some other stuff that's going on. So I thought that was really, really captivating to me, just to be able to have that experience of seeing Disney from a more adult standpoint. What else do we do there? Saw a lot of male ponytails. And I know that's a Florida thing.

And I don't like it. They have the man bun. And honestly, I think the man bun looks kind of handsome. You see some fellas with it. But the male ponytail, it's just, it's just gutter, you know, it is gutter. And it really, a lot of men, if they have that, they got issues, you know. This is actually Jiggy calling on my puck. He's calling right now.

I got to take it because I got to see if he's going to bring me some food. Hey, bud. Hey, are you back at the hotel? Yeah, I'm back at the hotel, man. I was doing my podcast right now. Oh, my bad. I was just doing my podcast right now. I'll take a sandwich. Just anything you run across over there will be good.

My room number is 523. Where are you at? Okay, cool, man. I'll see you in a little bit. Bye. All right, sorry about that, man. Got me a little sandwich coming. It's midnight here, and we're catching a 5 a.m. No, 7 a.m. flight, but we're going to leave at 5.15,

so it's going to be that kind of night. What else? So yeah, Disney was wild, man. We had a great time. Went on a few of the rides and it's, you know, the rides aren't to scare you. The rides are to make you feel joy.

And it did take me back some of it to being a kid. The Haunted Mansion and just seeing like, I wasn't really looking at the rides as thinking, well, what does this look like to me, this experience?

I was more as an adult. I was trying to think back. I was, I found myself trying to feel like a child. I found myself trying to like, look out at the rides and be like, wow, I wonder what this was like when I was a kid. Or I wonder what a kid would be thinking right now if they saw this. So it's interesting. It's a great place to be a kid, man. It's a great place to kind of reconnect with some of that or to connect with some of that at all. Because it's just built so much, I believe, around the mindset of wowing children. So anyway, that was fascinating, man.

We really had a great time, and I just want to thank the young ladies that took us. One of them's husband is a fireman, and he got us some passes. So thank you, Ryan. I know that's the man's name. He didn't even come, so he actually lent us his wife for the afternoon,

and that was kind of him. So thank you very much. We had a good time. Uh, we had a really good time. It was just a, it was a blast, man. And they had some fast passes. So some of the rides we could, you know, get in the quicker line and, uh, we had a blast. So thank you very much. Outside of that, I went and saw an old friend. I had a friend that I hadn't seen in 20 years that lived here in Orlando. And I went and saw him. And it's interesting to see an old friend because they have pieces of your life that you forgot. You know, they have different pieces of the story.

They have different elements. And we really shared some stories. And I'm going to get into some of those. I'll get into some of those next week, just some more stories from home and stuff. But that was interesting, just to rekindle just kind of that vibe and that environment. And he had a buddy over there. They were making a brisket, right? He had a buddy from, I think his friend was from Israel or England.

So he had a buddy over making a brisket. And so I get over there. I'm thinking, you know, we'll eat in a little while. You know, I got over there at probably 1. I'm thinking we'll eat probably 2.30. About 3.45, I'm like, damn, dude, I'm hungry, you know. Like if you invite somebody over for some brisket, you probably need to have some brisket at some point.

I don't mean to get angry, but you need to do what you say you're going to do when it comes to feeding people because people are hungry. If they don't eat, they'll die. It's different if I say, come over, I'll lend you a pair of shoes and I don't. That's fine. You got other shoes. You've got skin on your feet. You know? Your body's not going to just fall out of the bottom of your legs.

You have skin on your feet that is going to hold your body together. But if you tell somebody to eat, they're going to eat, and they're not. And this guy, nicest guy, but he kept trying to be a fancy chef. You know? He's like, oh, well, I a fancy chef, you know, he's like, oh, well, I'm gonna, you know, I got the meat, and I'm gonna sweat it, I'm gonna sweat the meat, you know, I'm gonna take it off the grill, and put it into an ice thing, and then I'm gonna, uh, I'm just gonna stare at it, you know, I'm gonna get in a staring contest with this meat, and see who, you know, show it who's boss, and I'm like, dude, I don't give a fuck who's boss. You know, I don't care about this meat's work history. You know, I don't need to see

a resume. I want to eat bro. And finally, after all this shit of just flipping it in the air and fucking, you know, dusting it with, you know, cumin and damn dust powder and smoke. And this guy's like, you know, he kept pulling the fat off of it and injecting it back into it. And like recycled and reused and refurbished. And Jesus Christ, reborn, born again, brisket. I'm like, what the fuck is going on, dude? The only place you need to baptize this fucking piece of meat is in my mouth, brother bear.

And so, man, some of this chefing, though, is just going too far. You know, and you got these friends. It's like, dude, we're here to eat. Like, we've been swimming in a pool, you know, hanging out with the children. Everybody's having a nice time. We got sunburn.

Just fucking eat. You know, we're not saving the world out here. You know, so finally I had to get a little fiery, you know, not with the guy really, but just with the overall idea of what was going on because you invited me here to eat. Guess what, buddy bear? I'm hungry. So let's do it. But nonetheless, we had a good time.

My friend came out to the show with his wife last night. And it was good to catch up with an old friend, man. Pretty good anyway. Sometimes you invite friends and they end up being the loudest one at the show. And I actually had a girl that came out this weekend. And she brought some friend or something. And this is a gal I know from years ago she brought her best friend and and her that lady's husband and they

sat and talked in the audience the whole time and I'm like are you kidding me like and it always happens every time you bring your friends there's this thing that friends just feel like they're part of the show you know and it's not's not bad sometimes, but sometimes it's bad. But we made the most of it. We made it through. Thank you, Orlando. I had a great weekend, man. I really did.

I really, really did. We got some cool calls that hit the hotline. I'm trying to think if there's anything else I wanted to go over with you guys. I'm going to drop some quick dates on you right now. And those dates are, I will be in San Diego this Thursday, July 20th. And that is with Sal from Impractical Jokers and Roy Wood Jr. from The Daily Show. And that is at the House of Blues. Then I'll be in Montreal, Canada.

Montreal. And that is July 27th through the 30th. I'll be in Texas. Dallas, Texas at the Addison Improv. August 10th through the 13th. Let's get out to that one. Let's show some love. That's my favorite club.

Very excited about that. And then September 6th through the 9thth I will be in Addison, Texas. That's where we are right now. I might add a date in Vancouver. I'm just not sure if people would come out to it. If so, I'll do that next week. We'll see. I'm looking into that right now. But thank you guys for your

love and support. You can get the albums right now. 30 Pound Bag of Hamster Bones and Musket Fire. Those are both available on iTunes. Um, and please subscribe to the podcast. Uh, we got some new shirts that'll be going up at the end of the week on Theo Vaughn.com slash store. Uh, and that's it, man. I love you guys. We got some, we had some calls that came in, man. Some neat stuff I wanted to get to. Um, so let's get into it, man. And this is a follow-up. This guy called in,

it was a couple weeks late, but I'm guessing he just heard the episode and he called in talking about America and then we'll move on to some different stuff. Here we go. All right, hold on. Hey Theo, it's Trevor from California. Just heard of your last dispatch weekend and wanted to give you a quick call. Thank you for calling, Trevor. Happy to have you calling in from California. Let's hear it. You were talking about what it means to be an American, and I thought all the callers had great points,

and as always, you provided some good feedback too. But on kind of a, I guess more of like a philosophical side. And Trevor's talking about, you know, we talked about what it meant to be an American. If it's the first time you've heard this podcast, we talked about it. We had some callers call in just what it meant after 4th of July, what they felt like it meant onward. I wonder, what do you think about the point, the counterpoint, I should say, that really nationalism and any sense of I'm an American or I'm a Canadian are names for our separation as humans. It's a different way to label ourselves as something separate from

one another. And I can kind of tell, you know, from listening to you all this time that you're more kind of a, and maybe I'm wrong, but you seem to be more of like a brother, universal brotherhood, you know, all one type of thinking. So how do you square the fact that, yes, it's good to be proud to be an American, but at the same time, the more you believe, and especially psychologically and philosophically, if you really believe you are an American, that creates a them and us, or us and them sort of dynamic, which then really is the root cause of all war and conflict.

Yeah, and I'll just pause you right there, Trevor. I appreciate the comment. And you know what's funny? I've been thinking about this. I've been thinking about this since some of the calls and since we went over that topic some. And this is kind of the other side of that coin. You know, some of our calls and stuff were a little bit, not one-sided, but those were the people that called. So those are the things that we talked about.

But this is another view, and it's a great point that Trevor makes that if we say that, okay, I'm an American and you're a Canadian and you're an Ethiopian and you're from Siam and you're from Mexico, then by having pride in our country, are we separating ourselves? separating ourself? You know? Are we not looking at the fact to just say, hey, we're all people and we're all here in this world. But instead,

we're saying, I'm this and you're that. So is having, and I'm not trying to juxtapose your point, Trevor, and I appreciate it and you said it real clearly,

but it's like, is that bad? And it's interesting, man. It's a great point. You know, it's like, I mean, right when I heard your call, Trevor, it really made me think. Because I'm like, wow, yeah, like if I'm thinking just, you know, America, America, then am I like, immediately I'm separating myself from other places.

You know, is it all about people? One love, you know, one everyone, and I do, I believe in the idea of brotherhood, I believe that it would be great if we could all live in conjunction that way, I worry though that we, I first of all, I think that if we're going to be able to do that in the world, that America is going to have to probably lead the way, I don't know if that's true, maybe everyone just has to lead the way. But I think that we seem to be looked at as a leader a lot of times. And if we don't take care...

All right, hold on one second, guys. I got Jiggy coming over to snack. What's up, man? Yeah. You good? What's up, Sarah? I got a little grilled fajita flatbread for you. Oh, really? It. You good? What's up, Sarah? A little bro, I need a flatbread for you.

Oh, really? Yeah. Woo! Beautiful. In a few hours, brother. All right, brother. Be good. Y'all be good.

Man, beautiful there. Sorry. My boy, Jiggy, his lady is still with him. His lady. This little, some little Betty Ruxpin that he met. Yesterday.

And a sweet girl too. Really cute. Named Sarah. Really nice. And they met. And they started holding hands. Right at the theme park. At Disney World today.

Right out of the gate. And they met yesterday. I don't know when they met. I'm not assuming they slept together. Anything like that. But you know. They probably slept close to each other maybe in the same room. I don't know.

I guess I'm putting them on blast now, but anyhow, they're still together and they were holding hands at the theme park. That's a wild move. Early, like at 9 a.m. We got there at 8.30. So if you start holding hands early in the day, dude, what? Then it's like every time your hands get near each other,

you have to hold again because you started that train already. So he's really been caught up. But she's a sweet girl, and he's a great dude. Anyhow, but yeah, that's wild. Trevor, it's wild to think about. Like by having American pride, are we separating ourselves? And I think that a business that doesn't take inventory usually doesn't last long. And that's kind of where I think we are in America. I think we have the ability to set that example

and to be that example and even to lead the world, hopefully, into that one love, universal, everyone environment. But I think it's got to be done steps at a time. Like, I think we need a serious roll call in America of who's here. Because you don't take inventory, you're not going to be in business long. And then what?

I mean, if we just open the borders right now, everyone would come here. We're already really destined for an overpopulation problem in America. I think a lot of people would come here and I think violence would start to happen pretty quick. You know? I mean, I like to think that yes there's all good in people and that that's the way it would end up you know that we would all share maybe that is the way it would go but are we going to do that you know I don't know if we are i don't know if we're just going to open and just let everybody

in the hole whoever wants to come in come into america and i know it's like you're saying well it's not our america we're just living here we're just passing through time and this is our land yes i agree with that we are but we have to if we want the best to continue to be possible then i think or to be possible, then I think we have to monitor the situation where we're at. And I think where we're at right now is that America needs a roll call. I wish they had a day where they made everybody go out in the street and see who your neighbor is.

See who's here. We don't even know who's in America. And I just feel like that's just kind of a scary place to be. You know, I would do some things different to start bringing people back together. You know, we could use a bit of closeness in America, getting people back together before we start inviting everybody

into this, you know, greed, money-driven society that we kind of have created. You know, I wish that on Sunday nights, I wish they shut the power out. I remember when the power was out, my family used to spend time together. It was one of the only times that we would spend time together

was when the power was out. And there was just something about it. It was just peaceful. You know, somebody had to light a candle and we had to just be around each other. And we couldn't fight or anything because we were, everybody was a little bit scared, and you get this feeling like you need each other, and I kind of, I thought that, I think that'd be interesting if we did that in America,

if on Sunday nights, you know, after 5 p.m., no more power, shut it down, so what, you can't do business, you can't do whatever, oh well, you can be with each other still, you know, you can't do business you can't do whatever oh well you can be with each other still you know you can spend time you can create some of that love because i don't know if we're really you know i think if you if you just let everybody in yeah i think in in a matter of a month you'd have severe civil unrest you'd have the rich all hiding um and be able to hide and you just have straight up anarchy in the streets game of thrones style uh maybe i'm wrong maybe i'm wrong but i mean look what happens in when there's just uh you know when there's i was gonna say like look what happens in like a a katrina type environment when people don't have what they need, you know,

things escalate pretty quick. It's not a level of let's be peaceful and figure this out. Things escalate pretty quick, you know, but who, but, but I love this thought though. It's, it's so true.

That's the other side of the coin. It's like, is this our country? Not really. You know, we were just born here. How do we manage that? And it's an,

it's an, it's an, it's a, that's an effective thought that I wish that I'd like to think about more because I feel like it's good for me to think about that. So Trevor, I appreciate you calling in and bringing that to my, just to my brain, man, bringing it to the forefront of my brain. A little bit more from Trevor. Let's hear a little more. and bring it to the forefront of my brain. A little bit more from Trevor. Let's hear a little more. So just wanted to hear what you had thought about that. To make a huge jump, too, and sorry for the long message,

but I also do have a couple of odd sauna interaction stories. You mentioned you were looking. He said sauna interaction. Now, we had people last week, I asked listeners if they wanted to call and share about if they'd ever been hit on by men or women in a sauna, if they'd had some sauna activities or even actually, well, let's just listen to Trevor. They were looking for where basically guys will kind of hit on you. I think you mentioned when they were sleeping, though, which is kind of a different thing but i could certainly uh give you yeah because some men be hitting on other men while they're sleeping you know and i remember falling asleep at this older man's house one time

and i wake up and he trying to be by me you know and i didn't really know this man that well and that was kind of wild and and sometimes if you're in a sauna you know somebody is so foggy in there next thing you know you turn your head and there is somebody else is right there or somebody's hip or thigh or you know that soft area behind their knee or the small of their back is right up under your nose you know and things can get surprising so that kind of stuff happens in saunas some of that detail if if that was useful. But I wanted to focus on the nationalism piece. And I appreciate it, Trevor. I appreciate you calling in the nationalism thought. It's great, man. It's a great thought. What if we were just able to look at the world as

this is our nation instead of like, oh, America, the world, humanity. And I think it's a beautiful idea. I don't know if we're in a place right now where we can feasibly rely. Like, how do we trust that that's going to occur if we're able to, you know, if you open up the borders, how do you assure people that everybody's just, you know, that if it's a free fall, that everybody's just going to be good to one another? You know, I don't know how that ends. I remember if you look at even the story in the Bible, and even if you don't believe in the Bible, which is fine if you don't, but if you just look at it as a fable, as an example. They had Cain and Abel.

They had Adam and Eve, Cain and Abel, four people on earth. One of the brothers killed the other one. Cain and Abel, four people on earth. And one of the brothers killed the other one. Cain killed Abel, I believe. So at one point, you had four people, and one of them killed another person. That's four people. So at one point, you only have four people. One of them's a murderer.

That's risky, bro. That's risky. And a buddy of mine, Matt Knutson, has a them's a murderer. That's risky, bro. That's risky. A buddy of mine, Matt Knutson, has a great joke about that. That idea is his premise. You can look that up. Matt Knutson talks about how one point in time, 25% of the population were murderers, if you believe in the Bible. All right, let's keep it cruising here. What do we have? All right, here we go. Hey Theo, it's Ethan. Love the podcast. Hey Ethan. I like that name, Ethan. Onward. Thank you, Ethan. Yeah, I'm calling because I'm married for about four years to this woman who doesn't really I'm married for about four years to this woman who doesn't really

have sex with me anymore. Wow. That sounds like most marriages, probably. My thoughts, though, honestly, lucky you, dude. Sex sometimes, overrated, bro. Onward.

I recently got in really good shape, super healthy, getting a lot of attention from other girls, and my sex drive has gone up. My wife isn't really into it, super healthy, getting a lot of attention from other girls. And my sex drive has gone up. But my wife isn't really into it like me once every three months. And it's really kind of over and done with fast. Okay, so his wife only wants him, you said, about once every three months. Okay.

So I can imagine that that's probably got to not make you feel very good, you know. Or at least it's got to really diminish the returns on you guys' love there probably if she doesn't even feel attracted to you. Onward. So I kind of was lacking, so I resorted to trying to find someone outside of the relationship to fulfill that need. Anyways, I met this girl. We started talking.

And right from the get-go, it was fucking amazing. She's incredible. Every message was perfect. There was so much momentum. It was effortless. It was awesome. So that's been going on for like five weeks now. Okay, so you got your dinner at the house

and you've been looking at the candy. That's what that sounds like. Let's hear a little bit more. I met this girl twice. We never had sex, but that's kind of the whole intent behind it. But now, this girl means so much to me that I don't know what to do. Okay, so I'm just going to stop you there for just a second or pause you. So you met this girl twice

you've been texting a lot you met her twice there's the intent for sex hasn't happened yet and you're saying you care about her so much and that sounds uh confusing to me i mean i understand that it can feel real to you but it sounds from an outsider's perspective, which you're trying to get here, I assume, that it can't be that you care about her so much. Because care, I would feel like, takes more time to actually establish itself. So there's probably a strong bit of infatuation, unless you feel so uncared for by your wife that any care at all here

is really fulfilling that so much that it just feels like a ton of care, or it actually feels like care and not infatuation. Onward. And I know it's probably common that a dude just finds another girl and falls in love with her for whatever reason because of what's lacking in his life. But I actually addressed the whole sex thing with my wife recently,

and she confirmed that she was not really into it. Had a panic attack a couple nights ago thinking about it. Again, woke up in the middle of the night vomiting from anxiety. Just because I feel like I'm floating in an emptiness between two people who want me for different reasons. And no one actually wants me for who I am as a whole. Wow. I mean, we just went through like an emotional Star Wars right there. So you got anxiety from what's going on here.

You talked to your wife about it i'm assuming you talked about the sex part and not about the part that you have you know this um this little kitty on the side you're trying to pet this side kitty you know and i've been out there look man you know i have not i've had trouble in relationships in the past if i don't get in them. Commitment issues and, you know, you start getting confused in your feelings, you want to touch that side, kitty. You know, you might be even sitting in the living room with your family, but you're reaching your hand out back the window and you're petting yard animals. You feel me? You're reaching for them soft, wet animals and that can happen man and it

sounds like you're starting to look for that because if you have this in this in this woman then you're starting to feel that you've talked to your wife now you're having anxiety you're vomiting in the night i mean that could be i mean i you know what they if you eat a lot of times peanut butter and jelly having that for you go to bed can really make you vomit. But, especially if it's on raisin bread, because a lot of raisins in raisin bread can be rotten. I don't know if you guys knew that. A friend of mine just told me that recently. Anyhow, dude, it sounds like you, let's listen to the rest of this.

And this other girl kind of fell for me really hard and I did for her and I think it threatened our own situations so we're figuring that out but I'm just really afraid she's gonna ditch me

I just want to keep her in my life in some way even if we're not having sex just wondering if you have any advice on how I can handle this. I have no idea. Tried everything. Don't know what to do. Okay, man.

I appreciate you calling. I do want to say that, man. First and foremost, I appreciate you calling. You like this girl. It sounds like the side kitty. You found some love or excitement. Maybe that's missing from your relationship, and that's why it feels so grandiose. I think you got to ask you yourself, do you love your wife? And do you want to be with your wife? You know, if not, and to me from this call, I'm not trying

to give you advice, but it sounds like you're not getting what you need there. And at a certain point, there's a couple solutions or a couple of directions. You can try to get some therapy for you and her together. You can try to get some therapy for yourself, you know, because are you trying to solve the problem with your wife?

Or are you trying to, are you trying to, to cure the issue with your wife by reaching outside of your marriage? That's kind of the deal, you know. And I would think about it in the way, try and treat your wife the way that you would want to be treated. So say the roles are reversed and your wife has the same, you know, you're not sexually attracted to her and she's having these thoughts and feelings and she's talking to somebody else. How would you best like it and be understanding for her to deal with you? And then that's the way I would go at it and deal with her.

Because you're not going to be able to keep somebody around. You asked, how do I keep this woman around on the side? You're not going to be able to do that just as a friend, you know, because you'll end up banging them. You know, you will end up banging them or, you know, laying next to them and jerking off or something or doing something, you know. You know, just letting, you know, your innards start to really express themselves, you know, let your dick stand up. You just got to keep that in your head, man. You know, if you hang out with wool, you're going to lay your head on it. That's what they say.

You know, that's what they say. They say the man that sleeps with sheeps skeets with sheeps. So remember that, man. Keep that in your head. If you hang out with the wool, you're going to lay your head on it. Rarely do you see a man walking around with a pillow and then come nighttime, he just set the pillow in a briefcase or something. No. But it sounds like infatuation and it sounds like you should either try to work things out with your wife or just leave her, man. Maybe, you know, realistically, you probably

are not in love with your wife. It doesn't sound like you are in love with your wife. It sounds like you were at one time, but I don't know if that is that time anymore, you know? And you know, you talked for a second about taking care of your body, but are you taking care only of the outside? That's when I'm a little bit worried about, you know? So I'd look inside and really ask yourself some questions. And that anxiety, that vomit, like the only thing I can be coming from is your actions are probably stirring up inside of you. And making your body and your spirit all squirrely. Because if you're just talking to your wife about the sex part, but then you're using that conversation to go then and justify your actions. conversation to go then and justify your actions you know it's not that's probably you know it's probably not the coolest way to go about shit you know i mean you can cheat on your wife you can go

out and sleep around and see if that works see if that maybe that's the thing you need to do that's going to help you figure out what do you need to do. If you need to stay with your wife or if you need to go on. But it sounds like you need to figure out some, this doesn't have anything to do with your wife. I think it has to do with you. So I would start there, decide what you want and then take the actions to make the changes. You can do it, bro.

If you need to, you can do it. But yeah, it's hard, man. It's hard. It's hard to be in a relationship these days. And I think a lot of men, honestly, are not even looking really for lovers in relationships these days. I think a lot of men are looking for mothers. And I base that on the fact that I think we like a recent, the recent generation of men has grown up in a, in a time when they didn't have mothers, a lot of their mothers were working.

And so they didn't have the same mothership that, that our grandparents had or that our parents had. So, whereas our parents might've been looking for a sexual mate, you know, that I think the men now are looking for something a little bit more along the motherly lines. And maybe you're not one of those men. You know, maybe you're a man that's just looking for that, you know, you have to have that sex.

And you have to have the sex in your relationship. I know you have to have it. And some people, it might only be a few months, you know, because as you stay married, some people, they just become really good friends. And sex isn't that important to them. But if you're probably, you know, getting back into your body and taking care of yourself, then yeah, you might be, you know, re you know, revving up that sex dragon. You know, you might be feeding matches to that sex dragon and then he gonna spray out and he gonna start talking fire. And that's your libido is getting lit up,

and he's going to start talking fire and let's say your libido is getting lit up. You know, and you're switching from an 87 to a 91 octane. You know? So you're starting to run on diesel, boy. And that's what it is, I think, is that you're invigorated and you want that action again. And maybe your wife is just not full circle there.

So the options are you go out and cheat or you let your wife is just not full circle there so i mean the options are you go out and cheat or you you know let your wife know what's really going on and you stay out and then that way you can go out and at least be be with another woman and but have a clean heart about it you know but uh but good luck man let us know how it goes if you will once you hit the hotline back and let us know how it goes and And Trevor, too, that called in a little bit ago, I'd love you to call back and let us know about what happened in those saunas when those men was being wild. Because I've been in there, boy, and it's gorillas in the mist in there, you know? I mean, you think it's your towel and it's another man. Well, sometimes if he has long hair, he'll put his hair right by your hand. And you reach over to get it.

You think it's your towel, but it's his hair that he's laid out flat on the stone in there in the sauna. And then you grab his hair. And next thing you know, you pull him over by you. And you think you're just trying to get a towel to just wipe off. So a lot of trickery and miscreancy going on out there. The Disney-at-na-meese. I like that. All right, let's keep it moving here, man.

Let's hit another question right here. Let's hear it. Hey, Theo. This is Derek. I'm from Hilo, Hawaii. Ooh, Derek from Hilo, Hawaii. Pineapple country, huh? What's up, you little napple? They call them napples out there. People that live in Hawaii.

Onward. And I was just listening to your last podcast and you got talking about how you might just cut off your balls. You might cut off your dick and you feel like you can get nothing done because of that. And I had to stop the podcast right there and call you because that is crazy, man. You can't think. You would do nothing. Now, he's referring, you know, I thought many times that my penis and my junk, nuts, and whatever else is in your nut sack.

They say nuts, but it feels like, honestly, there's more in there. And I've thought for a long time that if I didn't have that, if I didn't have my penis and nuts, that I could function better, that I would get more work done. Because I think we're starting to become, and I believe that, Richard. I said that I would mail them or Derek, sorry, I said that I would mail them to Africa or to, you know, a different country, not Africa or, or Africa or a different country. And because that would be a meal, you know, you can easily feed a family of three or four. You can easily feed a family of three or four with the meat that is inside of your cock and your scrotum.

I'm not trying to be disgusting, but that's real. In America, we cut off body parts like it's nothing. Somebody gets a little bit of gangrene, they lop their leg off. Whereas you don't realize that in India, that'll feed a fucking farmer. That'll feed a farmer's family. That'll feed a farmer's family for filling their falafels. This is starting to sound like a tongue twister. That'll feed a farmer's family for filling their falafels. This is starting to sound like a tongue twister. That'll feed a farmer's family for filling their falafels. That'll feed a farmer's family for filling their falafels.

Yeah, it's pretty fun. And then the easy one, I think you could, kind of a starter tongue twister. But yeah, I think you could cut it off and mail it, Derek. And I don't see a problem with that. I don't see a problem with providing

some light food or light fare to some others who are in need. And if I don't want my penis and I don't want my nuts anymore. But let's hear the rest. You would get nothing done without your balls and dick. Your motivating factor for life would be over. What would be the reason to live? What would be the reason to live? Okay.

I'll answer that for you. The reason to live then would be, I think we're starting to metastasize as humans. We're starting to morph some. Where yes, it used to be that to procreate was our main necessity. But is it still? You know, we have a lot of people in the world.

We are at a level, especially in America, of pretty high comfort. You know, we are pretty comfortable. Even if we are, I feel like, wealthy or poor, we are at least, you can be just lazy and collect money or get your money and you can still be comfortable. You can still have a bed and air conditioning and a phone and cable and you can have food and you can be comfortable. So at that point, are we really looking to procreate as much as we are just looking to enjoy our comforts? I almost feel like sadly in this country that that's one of the infestations that we have is that we're just too comfortable.

And we're starting to, as humans in America, we're starting to metastasize or we're starting to evolve into creatures that it's just like, what's the best way we can enjoy our comfort or the best way that we can work harder or the best way that we can, but not work harder like in the sense that I need to be in the wild hunting boars or hunting, you know, violent squirrels or flocks of squirrels or gangs of squirrels. But in the sense that i need to be uh doing you know computer work or podcasting or you know stuff that i don't even need my my dick and nuts for you know stuff that i need just my brain and just my ideas uh for so i feel like that's where we're at a little bit. So if I didn't have this

hindrance of meat between my legs, this meal, and I say meal because I got a decent dick. I got some swell cock for a man. And if I'm just carrying it around and somebody else in another country could, this could be a feast for them, a small feast, but a feast for maybe at least a beautiful Valentine's dinner or something if somebody wants to enjoy themselves with their friend or lover. But then that's me being greedy. And if it didn't, if my penis wasn't always taking my thoughts, because I'll start getting some good ideas and doing work, and my penis is like, hey, don't you want to, you know, go see if there's some cooter across the street?

Oh, what if there's some cooter downstairs? Huh? Have you thought about that recently? Yeah, my penis starts telling me all that. You know, it's cooter hungry. And it would be nice sometimes to stop that hunger, you know, to satisfy it and just to eliminate it so then I could just stay in my realm of work and what I feel like would be to do my best work

and to focus more on the things that help me feel good about myself like caring about others, loving my friends and family, and trying to be of service. Those things are what really make me feel good. So I don't know, man. It's interesting. It's interesting, but I feel like getting rid of it,

that's what it would do, man. It would really lift me up as a man, as a person. I really do. What else do we have here? You know what? I got a couple of other good calls, but I'm going to hit them next week, man. Just because it's getting late.

It's 1245 here. And I know some of you guys are like, dude, what? We listening? What? Well, I'm sorry, man. You know, I love you. I'm doing the best that I can.

I am actually looking forward to hopefully getting some new studio environment in Los Angeles this week week so hopefully that will come to fruition um but i'm really excited about it but i appreciate the calls man and i thank you for the calls and again i really thank you i appreciate people that are calling in and sharing what's going on in their lives and And I don't have any answers. All I have are some suggestions and what I can share with you. But that's it, man.

Coming to you from Orlando. I didn't have any intro or outro music this week. I'll get back to it, I promise. But you can hit the hotline. And if you have any other thoughts on anything that we talked about or brought up, please share them. And if you have any other thoughts on anything that we talked about or brought up, please share them.

My number is 985-664-9503. And it's up to three minutes. You can talk on there. And if you don't get it all in, then call back. But try to get it all in in three minutes. You know what I'm saying? But I did get some other great calls. I'm going to use them.

I'm just not going to be able to use them on this episode. But thank you guys so much. Have a great week. It's July, you know. It's summer. It's hot as hell, dude. It's hot as hell. So get in the pool, you know, spray some water on your friend, bring a water bottle, squirt somebody. You know what I'm saying? Brush your teeth, though. Brush your teeth, hug somebody. Won't you do that? Won't you surprise somebody today and hug them? Hug them, motherfucker.

You feel me? Hug them, motherfucker. That's what I would love to see, these gangs. I get tired of watching the news in New Orleans and I see these people showing up just beating each other. And I would love to see some, you know, two gangbangers just show up and just hug the fuck out of somebody. Like, damn, motherfucker, you just got each other. And I would love to see some, you know, two gangbangers just show up and just hug the fuck out of somebody.

Like, damn, motherfucker, you just got hugged. You know? Damn, you feel that joy? Motherfucker. But sorry about the profanity. Be good to yourselves, man.

I bet you deserve it. And if you need me, reach out. I love you. Talk and if you need me reach out I love you talk to you guys next week this has been this past weekend ladies and gentlemen I'm Jonathan Kite

and welcome to Kite Club a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events stand up stories and seven ways to pleasure your partner the answer may shock you sometimes I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner. The answer may shock you. Sometimes I'll interview my friends. Sometimes I won't.

And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head. You have three new voice messages. A lot of people are talking about Kite Club. I've been talking about Kite Club for so. Longer than anybody else. So great. Hi, sweetheart. Here's the deal. Anyone who doesn't listen to kite club is a dodgy bloody wanker. Charmaine.

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