This Past Weekend - 8-21-17 | This Past Weekend #38

Episode Date: August 21, 2017

Eclipse urine-ers, Purposefulness, Children, End of The World Party Hosts.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This past weekend. Okay, we got the audio going. Cutting this on. Just took my Afrin, so... Hopefully that's gonna help me breathe. Happy to be here. Little frustrating. Happy to be here. A little frustrated. And trying to quit smoking.

Thank you for joining me, man. And I haven't been a smoker, but I just kind of started, you know, really just kind of farting around with the habit. And cigarettes are crazy. I don't know what they put in cigarettes, cocaine maybe. But they are an enticing little treat, you know. And you start thinking, they become the first thing you think of sometimes, cigarettes. You know, they become the first thing that you think of if you're having a moment of difficulty or a moment of triumph. Instead of thinking, oh man, how do I solve this?

How do I feel about this? How do I do anything? Instead, you have a cigarette. You know, you just smoke that feeling out of your brain and out of your bloodstream with that cigarette smoke, you know. And this is an age-old tradition, and I don't think it's bad long-term if you can use it in severe moderation. The problem is doing that.

That's the hard thing. So I've done great with it over the years. Flared up probably in the past year. The past few months I've been great. And then now it's really I've fallen just in the past three or four days. Just fell back down that stairs. You know, that carcinogen staircase. You know, when you just just banging your head in on each stairs, you bounce down you know emphysema asthma the black lung pop you know getting your toes cut off and the next thing

you know you're lying at the bottom of the staircase you know you breathing through one of those you know those gangster ass throat holes you know i mean some of those throat holes get big you know i've seen somebody had i mean mean, I'm surprised a couple of Ninja Turtles didn't pop out of it. You know, this fella had a real, he had a real, he had a real, you know, a real little, almost like a big third nostril. You know, he could take a hit off the whole world through his neck. But it's not healthy, you know, when you have that, that kind of stuff isn't healthy. But, but, so today I've gone all day. I've had some cravings. You know, I mean, if you'd have told me there was a hit of nicotine in my bloodstream, I would have dressed up like a vampire and damn bit myself. Okay, that's where I was at. But welcome, guys. I appreciate you being here with me this morning. I really do appreciate your time.

This is Monday, August 21st, 2017. And as far as we know, and for most of us, this will be the only Monday, August 21st, 2017 that we ever have. You know, unless there are some time travelers out there. You know, I like to start thinking about time travel, and I'm going to look into it. I'm going to do some Google research and then some real research. You know, and just talk to friends and see maybe what they think about time travel. Are there time travelers here? How does that work? What's going on? You know, what do they eat? What do they do? What do they do in their spare time? You know, a lot of times you see these time traveling shows and people travel to time. They travel through time with a poignant purpose. You

know, they got something on their mind. You know, they got a little bit of beef, they got a, you know, that they got a, that they have to, you know, grill, but in a different time period, so you got them straight up people traveling, just trying to, you know, cure, cure meats, you know, and by meats, I mean, different issues that are going on, you know, maybe they got to travel back 100 years because they're helping with prohibition or they got to travel back 70 years because they're helping, you know, somebody took a gunshot wound and they got to step in the way of it or something.

You know, there's always a specific meat that they're heading back to grill, if you will. That's all metaphorical. That's hypothetical. There's a specific reason that they're traveling back in time, right? Well, I wonder what do time travelers do when they're not being specific? What do they do when they're just kind of milling around?

Is it hard if you travel back in time because you don't have the customs and probably the dope future shit, the DFS that they have down the road. I don't know. But anyhow, you might be able to time travel today because it's Eclipse Day. People have been talking about it. It is a solar eclipse. And one of the things that's apparently amazing about this one is that it's the – this one is the best one since 1918 that you can see here in the United States. It's basically diagonal across the United States from Portland down – I want to say to Florida, but that's just me taking the easiest way out of this question or out of this thought.

But it's diagonal across the U.S. There's a lot of people apparently have descended upon Portland to see stuff go dark, you know. And it's interesting, man, since 1918, you know, and my father actually, so some of you guys know my father was born in 1910. So my father was eight years old. I don't know if he saw the eclipse or not, if it was as big of a thing to them. But it's just interesting to think sometimes like what your parents were doing when they were children. You know, I always put my parents or I always put adults, especially as you grow up on this odd pedestal, on this special place.

I mean, surely they have more knowledge, so most of the time you'll accept that. But then you also put them in this other sort of realm of humanity and of experience. But then as you get older, it's interesting to try and think back what they were like as children. I mean, I think about my father in 1918, maybe standing out there looking at the eclipse down in Nicaragua.

I don't know if they got it. I don't think he came to America actually until he was 12 years old. I do remember my dad telling me one time that two of his buddies or two children in his neighborhood got into a gunfight. Children, okay? Children got into a gunfight and they went and it wasn't like gangbangers type of stuff. This was some kids said, I'm going to get my gun. Some kids said, I'm going to get my daddy's gun. And they both went and got guns, six shooters. Then they came outside and they both shot at each other six times each, 12 times, and didn't hit each other, dude. I mean, when you think about it, that is remarkable. That two kids, somewhere around the age of 10 or 11 years old or 12 years old, went and got six shooters, shot them off at each other and didn't hit each other, man. I mean,

that's truly beautiful when you think about it, you know, I mean, but those were different times, man. That's maybe when you settled things like that, you know, but it's the longest visible eclipse in America since 1918. Uh, you know, I wonder if animals and plants, are they concerned? Like when the sun goes out, you know, are dogs going to, will cats give a fuck? You know, will ferns kind of start creeping on people or, you know, get niry? You know, I'm just kind of wondering what else the rest of nature is doing. You know, because we have 50,000 people flying to Oregon to go witness this. You know?

I think I'm fine witnessing it from here. It'll hit us at 10 28 a.m. Pacific Standard Time. So that's, you know, noon 28 a.m., noon 28 p.m. Central Standard Time. So if you want to get out there and check it out, man. But yeah, I think about that sometimes, what our parents were like, what they did when they were young, because they just did regular dumb kid shit like we did, you know? Like they weren't our parents back then, they were just children when they were young, so they were just doing dumb shit, you know? And my father probably lived in a time, I'm thinking, you know, when over the summer or whatever, your buddies just died, you know? and even a lot of times like the thirties and stuff, the dust bowl, 20, I mean, people just died. You're like, I mean,

people only live to maybe what, 40 years old, 41. People died all the time. You know, you'd be walking to church or something. Somebody gets bit by a snake, dies dude before brunch. I mean, that's crazy. You know, it's crazy to think that how people just died all the time. Fever, snakes, you know, spiders, attack animals, you know, strangling, strangling. Dude, come on. Can you even imagine the amount of strangling that that was going on back then? You know, I mean, you could leave for a school year, come back, half your class is missing. You know, two people died of tetanus, one kid bitten by a wolf. You know, where's Lawrence? I don't know.

You know, he went to get some water, nobody ever saw him again. You know, do you want some of his old pants? I don't know. Let's play marbles before we probably die. You know, let's get a game of marbles in before the Lord comes and gets us. That's what I'm thinking. It probably should have been a wild universe back then. But the eclipse is here, man. It's a great time probably to steal some shit, if you're thinking about stealing some shit. Great time to show somebody your dick or something, if you're into that kind of stuff, if you're into the dark arts. But it's a great time to kind of act out, I think.

And I think it's nice also because we've been needing something in America that, especially in America, maybe in the world, that just shows us that Mother Nature is the boss. We're kind of hooked on us being the boss. We control it all. We're one fancy tidal wave from everybody being out on the street, try and get a pair of new shorts. That's where we're at. People don't realize that.

I think we've gotten so caught up in ourselves, we're almost bored in America. In the way that we're starting to forget that we're humans in a way. I don't know if that makes sense to anybody. We're starting to forget that we're humans. You know, like being human doesn't seem as important as like being right or being wrong or being selfish. Those things seem to have taken up most importance. But I don't know, man. It's just wild, dude.

So I'm glad that Mother Nature's coming just to do a little bit of aerial work, you know? A little bit of Cirque du Solar, you know? Get out there and show her nuts off. Because you know Mother Nature's transgender, don't you know? Don't you know that? You know Mother Nature's transgender, dude.

I mean, you know she's getting out there with them solar balls, you know?'s getting out there with them solar balls. I'm going to make them work. Make them do a little bit of sky work. So I'm excited to see that. Because we need something. We need something just to show us that we as people are more important. We need to have some empathy.

There's not a lot of empathy these days. Everybody wants to be right. Why do we have to be right? That's so crazy. I days. Everybody wants to be right. Why do we have to be right? That's so crazy. I can understand us wanting to be right, but having to be right is just kind of a reach. But anyhow, what else is going on, man? Yeah, I was just thinking about that.

What it was like when my father was young. He told me kids were real starving out in Nicaragua, and they would eat dirt. He said they had children that would eat dirt in this village where his family was doing some missionary work over there, or where they were doing some church work. And he'd see children eating dirt, you know, making, but they would mold the dirt into food and then eat it.

And that's pretty, that's interesting. You know, it's kind of ball, that's pretty gangster, you know? It's like, yeah, anybody could just eat dirt, dude. But what about this dirt brulee I'm about to have? I respect people like that, people that have an imagination even in the toughest of times. Yeah, I hate to say that, but I mean, maybe that's wild, but I feel like we need something in mother nature or in the world. And I don't want to, you know, I've to say that, but I mean, maybe that's wild, but I feel like we need something in Mother Nature or in the world. And I don't want to, you know, I've thought about a war even, to be honest, you know. I mean, I don't want to see loss of life and that sort of thing, but we need something that helps us all realize that we are on the same page, you know, that we are humans here together.

You know, that we are humans here together. I mean, it's crazy to think that we are this speck in the middle of nowhere and we're fighting. I mean, are we, you know, what's wrong with us? You know, that we're a speck in the middle of nowhere. We could be doing anything and we're fighting, man. And we're not all fighting, but these days in America, there's a lot of boiling. A lot of boiling going on. A lot of people boiling. A lot of people, you know, thinking, feeling.

And I'll say one thing that's interesting, man. It's great almost. You know, I like the fact that even though it's frustrating when I wake up or when I hear, I feel. I have a, I care. I have a point of view. Because for a long time, my generation, I'm 37 years, I'm an adult male. And for my generation, there was a 20 year span. There was no, you got up, you didn't really care.

Everybody just kind of went on with everything. There was no sides. There was no purpose. There was no vigor. You almost didn't even need your nutsack. I remember at the time, I always remember thinking, do I even, you know, I wish my nuts were detachable. I'd leave them here at the house. I'd hang them by that one winter hat that I wear once a year. You know, or that whistle. Everybody has a fricking whistle on their dang coat rack. What are you doing with a stupid whistle? That creeps me out.

When I go to your place and you got us, if you got a hat rack, I'll look at it. I'll love, I've always been kind of an aficionado of hat racks and C-racks, coat racks. And I will, if you got a whistle hanging there, dude, but you're not really, you're not a referee or something, shut it down. Shut it down, baby bear. You know? But I'm excited, you know, I am hopeful because now people are feeling. There's purpose. People are going to, people want to say something.

People want to feel something. People want to feel something. You know, I get up out of bed and I feel. It might be anger, but at least I'm feeling. At least I'm being reminded that I'm alive, you know, because we're quickly, in other ways, turning into zombies. And I feel like maybe that, you know, I don't want it to be, well, I'd love a natural disaster or some crazy story. It might sound, you know, it sounds a little crazy saying it. But if not, do we just taper off into oblivion with losing our feelings and becoming, you know, just we're going to be the worst robots. We'll be eliminated and real robots will take over. You know, I remember talking to my niece the other day i'm talking about imagination i said use your imagination and

she goes i don't think i have that on my phone like what i said your imagination it's it's an app that's in your head you know know, but it's like, man, so I just would love to be, because if you're in the trenches, if there's something on the line, if there's a war, there's a natural disaster, if the alien's coming,

you know, then you're going to have to team up with some, it's not going to matter. You know, because then we're all going to be on the same side. We're going to realize that we're all humans. We're not just weirdos hiding behind Twitter, threatening each other and fighting. And I use Twitter, but GD, man, let's shut it down.

That thing is ruining humanity. It's ruining it. It's just fury. I open Instagram. I'm kind of okay on Instagram. I feel, you know know it's fun you can see things funny stuff twitter ruins it ruins doesn't it it's pretty interesting how different apps have almost become where we go to express certain feelings you know but yeah my niece

thought imagination was an app i don't have i don't think I have that on this phone. You know, using her mother's phone, my sister. Oh, what else? Jerry Lewis died. Rest in peace, Mr. Lewis. If you're not familiar with Jerry Lewis, which a lot of people aren't. A lot of younger people are not familiar with Jerry Lewis. You know, and that's okay. You know, he was older. I mean, the guy was in his 90s. I think he's,

I want to say 91 years old, and that's old, man. When you're 91, I mean, you, you know, you probably have a lot of, you'll take your shirt off, and I bet there's kind of a dust or something in it, you know. That's part of you, but visible always on you. You know, whatever, like you have no, you see old people with their ears a lot of times, just overgrown ears, you know, like a family used to live in their ears and then their ears became haunted. And now they're not taking care of the yard anymore because the family moved out, you know? I mean, sometimes you see old people have hair. I remember this one dude had a hair coming right off his nose, man, and it was probably four inches long.

I mean, it was almost like a fish in like a cane pole, like it just was trying to catch fish out of his mouth. And this man had the longest nose hair I'd ever seen, you know? And part of me often wonders if at night, you know, after he brushed his teeth, he might pull that fine sucker down and floss his little beautiful, his beautiful little chest pieces in his mouth, you know. Floss those beautiful enamel pawns he's got. But, yeah, when you get older sometimes, you don't know what's going on. You know, they had a man in our neighborhood.

He had a big hump on his back, you know. This man named Big Dan, but they called him Moby Dan because of the hump. You know, he was real pale. They kept him out of the sun, and then his cousin would walk around usually. And his cousin was probably maybe 20 years younger, but his cousin would kind of put, they didn't have an umbrella, but he'd put like a tarp over him if he had to be outside, you know. And Moby Dan, that's just what the kids kind of joked and called him, but he had this big old hump and it just kept growing.

And it got almost higher than his head, dude. I mean, if a bunch of pirates would have seen him, they probably would have damn thrown harpoons in him. You know, he's big, too. Fat, blubbery. Rubenesque, they called it at the time, you know? Pretty happy man, though, overall. I remember that. But I know that if it was real bright out and he had to be outdoors, or if he was at a picnic, whatever, his cousin would kind of throw a tarp over him to keep the sun off of him. And I always thought that that was pretty sentimental, you know,

when somebody in your family cared enough to cover you up with a tarp or to, you know, hold something over your head so that the sun or the elements didn't get you. You know, I wish people in our neighborhood would have done that with their cars and stuff, a lot of rust. And I grew up really not in the rust belt, in the tetanus belt, where you needed a shot if you were planning on grew up really not in the rust belt, in the tetanus belt where you needed a shot. If you were planning on getting out and about into the world, you know that. But Jerry Lewis died, man. If you want to go back and watch some of his, some of his work, I'll watch the

original Nutty Professor. And you can see at the time, I mean, Jerry Lewis was, they don't have artists like him anymore. They don't really allow you to function at that level of confidence very rarely like you'll see like a neil patrick harris can do that when he's hosting like the tony awards or something where he's he's singing he's dancing he's telling jokes it's one to the next but jerry lewis was like that constantly and i think directors and programming on television used to allow the actors to move and breathe. Every shot wasn't just such a close-up. Okay, this line, and now this line, and this line, and this line.

The actors had chances to be more whimsical. Even on late-night shows, the talent had chances, I feel like, to be more whimsical. And he was as whimsical as they came, Jerry Lewis. I mean, you can watch him almost at any age. And it was extremely impressive. You know, and I just wish that talent these days had that freedom. You know, these days it's almost like the art caters. We got to get the episode moving so that it can get to the commercial break

so that, you know, we'll keep the commercials happy. Whereas if you look at older stuff and older pictures, it looked like it was more, just like the whole, whatever the production was, the show, the film, it could breathe a little bit. And maybe that was just Jerry Lee Lewis. Sorry, not Jerry Lee Lewis, Jerry Lewis. Maybe it was just Jerry Lewis. They let him breathe because he had that. They could rely on him that much. He had that much talent. But a very special man. Go check him out.

What else happened this weekend, man? I went to the beach. Went to the beach out here in Santa Monica. Took a nap in the sunshine. Have you ever done that? Feels great when you start. Feels insane when you wake up. When you get home, part of your face, part of your body,

one, you know, half of your neck, half of your cheek. And I was out there at Santa Monica where I was at the beach by the pier. And I'll tell you this, man, you get out in the water out there. I went out for a swim. Not the best idea. Swimming by the pier. I didn't know that a lot of sewage runoff goes out there, right? First of all. So I kept thinking this water's sandy, right? There was sand in it for sure. Who knows what else was in it, man. And you're out there and that's a violent ocean. They call it the Pacific, but I'll tell you this, that's a bait and switch

on you. Because you get out there in that Pacific and that thing is doing anything but acting pacified. Alright, I'll say that. I was right by the pier and I remember I got pushed out a little. I'm out there kind of surviving. Because I don't swim as much as I kind of survive

in the water. That's more how I operate in the ocean. Not in pools. In pools I can kind of survive in the water. That's more how I, you know, operate in the, in the, in the ocean, not in pools and pools. I can kind of handle myself shallow in I'm a master of the shallow and I'm damn, I'm Daniel Day Lewis in the shallow end. You know, my left foot, my right foot, I will drink your milkshake. You know what I'm saying? I'll do it all in the shallow end. You know what I'm saying? I'll do it all in the shallow end. I'm a fucking, you know, I'm damn, you know, Tanya Harding, you know, damn, Giera Baldy or whoever, somebody that can dance, you know, Jillian Hough. But I'll, you know, I'll handle the shallow end, but when I get in the deep end, that's when things get squirrely for me and in the ocean. So I'm out there, I'm kind of starting to drift a little bit, it's getting violent, the water's getting violent, you know, and there's a lot of alcoholics out there, and

there's two fellows pissing off the dock, because that Santa Monica Pier is right there, the one you see in all the movies with the Ferris wheel, and kids are all geeked up and fired up. So I start drifting off into this area where you're not even allowed to swim in, for some reason, I don't know why. I mean, I'm guessing because the ocean can push you up against the wooden parts of the pier, you know, the things that are holding you up. They're just like big brown chopsticks. I don't know what they are. They're pieces of wood. You know what they are. You know, quit making me describe them. But yeah, I got pushed in. These two dudes are pissing right off of it. Alcoholics, you know, I'm guessing alcoholics because everybody else is hanging out with their children and tending,

you know, to their kids and keeping sun out of each other's eyes. And these men are out there urinating, you know, firing off things that they drink and previously the day before today and dripping that out of their wieners out into the water. And I'm getting spooked because I'm like getting pushed in that general direction right and then it gets closer and closer and it's like you know sometimes the ocean you don't realize how powerful it is so I literally have to like go underwater and swim under this you know this urine that these boys are doing and that uh that's one of those moments too, where you just realize that, you know, that mother nature's in control, that life isn't always going to go how you want it,

you know? So that was kind of like, if I don't see the solar eclipse tomorrow, having to hold my breath and swim under water that had other men's urine in it coming straight down, Under water that had other men's urine in it coming straight down. Just, I mean, just straight down, you know. I mean, it was probably, the water I was hitting was probably at that point 4, 4% urine. But when you know it's coming in hot like that, it's alarming. But anyway, swam under that. That was my eclipse.

You know, swimming from regular water and then having to swim past in front of two adult men doing urine. So, but yeah, the beach was fun, man. You know, I realized I don't mind the beach. Once I get there, I'm good. You know, half my face is really red today. Part of my back's a little squirreled up. But what I don't like is getting to the beach, parking. I don't like, you know, some guy comes by my window some frenchman he tells me i can have

his parking spot then he goes and gets in his car for i'm not joking 12 minutes dude sits there i'm waiting right other cars are passing me getting other spots it's an extremely small lot right there on santa monica finally man i look over there, I go get a peep at the dude, right, dude's resting, bro, eyes closed, resting in his car, the fucking French, man, the fucking French, you know, French me once, shame on me, you won't French me again, I'm not falling for this French shit, so, yeah, so that, you know, Jerry Lee lewis we got the eclipse dealt with the french yeah i don't like just you know i don't like i don't think that i really so much like dealing with the french and then it got us put a french taste in my mouth man and i don't like it

but what else occurred man this weekend not much, trying not to, trying to stuff them cigarettes, you know, and I probably only had yesterday, I think I had three or four cigarettes, probably four, because, you know, a lot of times we'll say something, and it's usually the, the, that's usually the amount that we don't want to admit to, so we'll try and cheat it, but I probably had four cigarettes yesterday, but man, they just make me feel squirreled up, But I probably had four cigarettes yesterday. But man, they just make me feel squirreled up. You know, they make me feel like, I don't know. They make me feel like there's just little mites in my body that aren't happy.

That's what they make me feel. They make me feel like something's in me that's unhappy. And that's the drugs that's in them. They put drugs in cigarettes. Ah, what else? That's the drugs it's in them they put drugs and cigarettes ah what else that's kind of it man you know i'm going to vancouver next weekend but not for comedy i got my fantasy football league coming up i can't i'm so happy for fantasy football man i remember last year when feminism was at a crazy height you know when there were you know where men were disappearing across off the streets and showing back up months later in wigs and, you know, no, uh, and that, you know, just a dead look in their eyes, you know, women were ripping men off the streets and probably castrating them in

basements or doing whatever they were doing, you know, um, and football season showed up and it was like the greatest thing that ever happened. Just to have a little bit of manhood loose in the world. It was something that was okay to talk about when you were a man. And I understand, you've got to have some waves where you have to have ebbs and flows of things. But I remember it got so insane that you felt like you couldn't even admit you were a man in the morning. You almost had to be like, hey, you know, happy to be here. I might be a woman. I don't know.

We'll see. You know, it's almost like you had to like, you know, pledge like that. You don't know. I might be a woman in a few years considering it just to even walk around. And that's here in Los Angeles I'm talking about. But let's get to some dates, man. I got to some calls. But yeah, I'm going to Vancouver this weekend.

I'm excited about getting into Canada. You know, I was just there in Montreal, but I'm excited about getting back. I will be at the Cap City Comedy Club in Austin. And that's September 7th, 8th, and 9th. I will be at Hilarities in that's September 7th, 8th, and 9th. I'll be at Hilarities in Cleveland September 14th through 17th.

And then October I'll be out here in Los Angeles. November I'll be in Huntsville. And that is November 16th through the 19th. That's Huntsville, Alabama. So I'm stoked about that. You can check out tickets, everything, at theovon.com slash tour. I have a bunch of new stand-up comedy bits that I'm going about that. You can check out tickets, everything, at theovon.com slash tour.

I have a bunch of new stand-up comedy bits that I'm going to be putting up. And enjoy the eclipse. You know, I will say enjoy it. Even if you go outside to peek on what it is, I think this is one thing that's going to bring people together, even if it's just for a minute. I mean, I think here in L.A. we can only see it for a minute and a half. And we only get about 63% of the sun will be eclipsed.

I don't think it's going to be like nighttime, but if it is, dude, pull out some nighttime antics. You know what I'm saying? Touch somebody's nuts, dude. Live a little bit. Touch your own nuts. What am I saying? Somebody else's. That could be illegal if you don't know these people.

Touch your own nuts, dude. You know what I'm saying? Sneak your hand in your pants. Do something squirrely. Break a rule. You can't break a rule anymore. Break a rule. You know what I'm saying.

Scratch your ass a little. You know. Call somebody a cocksucker. You know. Walk outside with somebody from your company. That you don't know. Stare at the sun. You don't need glasses.

If your boss lets you out to watch the eclipse and they don't require you to have glasses or give you glasses, we're talking about one of the potential greatest class action lawsuits of all time. Look, we live in a lawsuit universe. I hate to say it. I don't like it, but that's what it is. All right. So get out there. If your boss says it's okay, get your eyes open, tape your eyes open. You know what I'm saying? Get that money. Get that eclipse cash stacks on stacks on stacks, solar stacks, lunar stacks, stackadacalus boy. You know, I'm a straight up stackasaurus ricks get that money all right so uh let's get into some calls i appreciate all the love and support you can

hit the hotline [phone] talk about anything something you heard today uh the the new studio is still coming along you know i got my assistant on Monday, my boy Ken. He's a producer too. We do some projects together. Comes over, starts building the studio, leaves. Leaves his tools, everything. Like, okay, did you get kidnapped? You got kidnapped?

You gone? What happened? So, couldn't even really navigate it, but going to try to this week. You know, going to try to finish it up. But we're coming along. The dining room has turned into a studio. So I'm excited. Thank you guys for your support.

Listenership's increased, and I'm excited about that. Hit the hotline. Let's talk about some things. Let me know how you feel. Do you feel like a war or a natural disaster would help humanity? I know it's extreme. I know it's an extreme thought. But let's think about it.

And also, if you hear me talk about something on this podcast and you don't like it, I got a lot of emails last week, right? A lot of emails. It's fine if you don't like it. You know? I probably wouldn't like everything that you shared. But call me and let me know why you don't like it. I probably wouldn't like everything that you shared. But call me and let me know why you don't like it. I'm okay with learning a new perspective.

I'm okay with not being right. I'm not here to be right. But I am here to be able to share how I feel. I am here. I'm here all day. I'm beating feel flakes, baby. I open up a big bag of feel flakes because you're going to know how I feel. But I don't have to be right. I'm OK with being wrong.

You know, if you want to help me be if you want to help show me that I'm wrong, I'm perfectly fine with that. Hit the hotline. Nine, eight, five, six, six, four, nine, five, zero, three. Let's get into a call or two here. One of the things we asked was how you felt about if the world were ending, what were your thoughts be? What would you do with your time? What would happen last day? Let's check in with some, some of that. What up Tio? This is JJ calling from the Northwest area.

Okay. We got JJ from the Northwest area. Okay, we got JJ from the Northwest area. All right, thank you for calling. I hope you're okay. You sound a little bit like you're hurt. I hope you're not hurt, my buddy. And I don't know, the Northwest area sounds super vague, but we're going to keep listening. God bless you.

Usain, what would you do if the world was coming to an end, as you know, and you had one day left? Honestly, bro, what I would do is I would just want to be around all my family. You know, I don't want to be going over crazy or doing anything crazy. I think, you know, maybe just have a big barbecue with all your family. You know? Ooh, a big barbecue with all your family. That'd be interesting.

I appreciate you calling, brother. Yeah, a big barbecue would be interesting. But then you're going to have to invite everybody over for this. Are they all going to, you know, I guess I should have just let, you know, we should have decided on how long in advance you knew the world was ending. But let's say, yeah, you got the end of the world barbecue. Wow, that'd be pretty cool. What kind of music would you play?

You'd probably have to drop a little bit of Tupac in there. I'd go with probably some, I want to say Kenny Chesney, probably some, I want to say Kenny Chesney, but I'd even go with some, you need some heartfelt Americana country in there too, I think. I would go with maybe some, not Travis Tritt, who am I thinking of? Maybe, shit, I might throw some Shania in there, you know, turn that thing up, get the ladies pumping a little bit. You know, I'd throw a little Cupid Shuffle in there. Turn that thing up. Get the ladies pumping a little bit. I'd throw a little Cupid Shuffle in there because it's family. You know you're going to want to have grandma out there hitting that Cupid

Shuffle, that love movement. That's beautiful, man. I love watching an old woman dance, dude. There's something beautiful about it. Watching a baby and an old woman dance. There's something beautiful about it, isn't there? I remember I used to stay up at night on the internet looking at videos of seniors dancing and people in community college.

I used to watch a lot of community college beauty contests on YouTube. And there's some really good ones on there. You'd think it's wild, but there are some good ones. But the videos that would get me the most would be senior Citizens Dancing With Children. There's something special about it. Something bringing us all together. But yeah, barbecue, but then you got like, what if the food is bad? What if you got the shitty potato salad? You sound like you're taking along a lot of responsibility. And I'm going to judge a little bit by how you sound here. I don't know if you're stoned, but you sound, you know, if you call into

the hotline stand up or sit up when you call and talk you know this is a conversation you know just respect it a little bit in that sense unless you have are on a machine or something brother and if that's the case then um you know god be good to you and I hope that if you need a lung or something, hit me up. You know, because I think, I don't know, I don't have good lungs. I got a small esophagus. You know, I got the heart of a lesbian, and I got the esophagus of a cat. That's what they told me when I was young, when I first went to the doctor. He said, you have the, you got the windpipe of one of the large, of a very large cat.

The man said, they're at Oxnard Hospital in New Orleans. Mr. Bob Aaronsman told me that, that I had the windpipe of a large, large cat. But yeah, I like that idea, barbecue, but then you think, what is that, potato salad? You know, people are going to get scared then towards the end of the barbecue. I think the first two hours are going to be a hit. You know, you're probably going to want to have liquor on hand. People are definitely going to want to drink on the way out. How does it end though? When you really think about it, think about it. You're at the family barbecue, the world's ending, the sun's going down, it's your last sunset. What happens then? Do people get territorial? People get sad? Is the whole family huddled up?

get territorial? People get sad? Is the whole family huddled up? What about that pervy uncle? Is he reaching around the huddle? You know, is he trying to, you know, is he trying to touch a young ass cheek of somebody that's a distant cousin? You know, first cousin is illegal. Second cousin, not illegal. And you can look it up. You can say it's creepy or whatever. Yes, it's creepy, right? It's creepy out here when I got a million days to live. But when you're on that last day, how creepy is it if you have I'm not talking fully sexual, but I'm talking if you wanted to kiss, you know, kiss somebody and just see what the feeling was like one last time. You know, you know, around 11 o'clock people will be jumping over into the neighbor's yard

probably looking for sex. Do you think that? Or do you think you'd all just sit there and be harmonious? You know, it's really interesting if you're real and you can judge me and say, well, Theo, this is grotesque to think about. That's fine. That's fine. If it's, it is a little bit grotesque, but to think about it, isn't. You know, to think about it, you're right there. It's the end of the day. It's the party. Some things have gone okay. The potato salad was rancid. Somebody's sick. It's the end of the world. Some of the kids went to bed early. What the fuck? You know, nine-year-old Lawrence, he fell asleep early. He doesn't even care.

Maybe somebody got too fucked up, passed out. They're missing the end. But you know, you're going to have somebody that's deviant in the family. They're going to want to jump across and maybe be swingers or do something, reach out to the neighbors. I'm just saying, I appreciate your call, man. It's interesting to think about what it would really be like at the end of the world. You know, what it would really, really, really, really be like. I don't know. Let's take another call. Here we go.

Hey, Theo. It's your boy, Tom, from rural North Carolina. Just calling for basically if the world were to end today and we knew it, how would I handle that? All right. This is Tom from rural North Carolina. Tom's called before. He's a frequent caller now.

And, Tom, I like the way that you call, man, and that's one of the reasons. You know, I know I'm a little bit testy tonight, guys, but, you know, I'm trying not to have a damn cigarette, dude. You know? I mean, I, dude, I would suck a tobacco farmer's cack right now just to see, you know, just to maybe catch a drag. I'm going through that moment. I know it'll only last about 30 seconds, but that's what happens, you know. That's what happens sometimes. And I'm not even a regular.

I can't even imagine what this is like for severe smokers. I cannot even imagine. Wow. But if you also, if you smoke and like it, go enjoy a cigarette. I'm not trying to rain on anybody's parade. But thank you for calling, Tom, from rural North Carolina. That's tobacco country. I can smell it through the speakers here.

But thank you for calling about the topic. What would you do, Tom? It's the end of the world. It's your last day. Let's hear it. So what I would do is I would do what I do. I would go to work just like any other day, go home, see my girl. Wait, you'd go to work, dude?

That's a company man, bro. You would go to work. Tom, we're talking about the end of the world. You're going to go spend seven. You're going to be the only person at FedEx who's bringing their shit in. Overnight is the best service. There's no overnight. Nobody's coming in, Tom. Nobody's coming in to get the radio fixed or to, you know, or to, you know, buy some new software or something. I don't even know where you work. You know. Nobody's coming in.

Maybe if you ran a horse place, somebody would come in to get a couple of horses. Because it's the last day of their lives and they've never done horseback riding. Or if you ran a roller skating thing. People want to probably come and maybe spend a little bit of time in the rink. But, Tom, you're talking about going to work. I don't even know where you work at. It's fascinating that you're a lifeguard. You're the only fucking dude there.

But you're a company man. You're an organized man. You stick with the schedule. That's interesting, Tom. I never thought about that. I think most people would call in. One day they would be able to call their boss and be like, I quit most people would call in, they would be the one day they would be able to call their boss and be like, I'm never, I quit. Everybody would quit. That would have to be

the first thing you would do in the morning. Wake up, quit work. I think by 1 p.m., I think half of the world would be naked. By 1 p.m. I remember an experience I had. I went on this thing called Semester at Sea, and it's like a floating university. It was a gift. Somebody gifted this to me. I would not have been able to have this experience on my own regard. Just financially, it was interesting. But I remember, so you go around the world on this cruise ship, and you're at sea for 100 days. It's a floating university, right? It's a floating university. And you get to the – and the further you get along, I noticed people started losing clothes.

By about day 60, you could go to class without a shirt, and the women would wear bikini tops. And by day 90, I remember being in class in a Speedo, and it was totally okay. It wasn't just like there were a couple of kids that would do it, and the rest of the boys, if they felt just comfortable enough, they would have no shirt on. And people had wild hairdos, and you just start to develop. You start to get freer and freer. That's what I noticed over time. We got freer and freer. And I think if it's the end of the world that you're going to have that whole experience kind of, you know, just expedited in a day or in the days

leading up to it. But I think by 1 p.m. that last day that most of the world would be probably naked just to have that feeling of what does this feel like? You know, have I been caged up in my clothes? You know, what kind of existence have I been living that I was kind of forced to live into just by the bumper lanes that were put on the society around me? I don't know. Just an interesting thought. But I do remember on that cruise, by the last 10 days, we were in class, you know, just out in some ocean somewhere.

And we were in Speedos. And it was totally okay. Everybody was comfortable with it. It was really interesting just how we got almost, you know, just got back to being comfortable in our skin. All right. Onward. I'm sorry, Tom. Onward with the rest of your call.

Now that your day at work is over, what would you do? I would do what makes me happy every day. Lift and weight makes me happy. Being with her makes me happy. Just trying to be as happy as possible with the last moments we have. And I would definitely, as sappy and sentimental as it sounds, I would definitely just sit there and I'd hold her hand as we die. Wow.

Let me think about that. So Tom said he would spend, he would go to work, he would go to the gym. That's pretty dope actually. That's commitment. I like that. That part I definitely get. You know, going to the gym. I just get my, I'm going, I am taking my spirit to the end of the line and

sticking to my commitments. I like that. And then you'd sit there with your girl and you would hold her hand. Uh, I think that's sweet, man. You know, I think you would have people like outside of the deviant uncles and the swingers and the people who, you know, put more of their balls into the sexual court. I think you'd have a lot of people who are lovers. You seem like a lover, Tom, who would probably do that too, you know, who would maybe just sit there with their whole family and hold hands, you know, maybe play a game or just go around in a circle and tell stories about how you really felt about each other.

Because you'd have to get everything off your chest, you know. You'd have to get rid of all the pain and the hurt and all the love and the affection and the hope and the, you'd have to get it all out. I mean, I bet a lot of people would be calling people like around 11 a.m. that they always were in love with and afraid to tell them. You'd have a lot of crazy stuff. A lot of phone lines would be down. A lot of crazy memes. Young kids, the millennials would all just be doing memes. The youngest though, the young, young millennials, I mean, you know, like 11 years old, they would all just be sending dirt memes to each other and not knowing what to do. But that's interesting. It's interesting you'd sit there.

Because there's something very manly about that, even though you say that that's sappy. There's something manly about, you know, that you're going to be there with this lady that you love and not let her go into oblivion alone. Or at least not let her think that she is. You know, and I think there's something still. Chivalry's not dead, even though the world is, huh?

Even though the world would be. This is all hypothetical, guys. And I think we're keeping it pretty lighthearted, so this is good. I think these are neat thoughts. All right, let's move onward. We got another call. This one came in from Canada, our neighbors to the north. Hey, Theo.

Jim here. Hey, Jim. Calling from Canada. Got a more. Jim here. Hey, Jim. Calling from Canada. Got a more serious issue here. I think my dog's been sexually abused. What happened was I let someone look after him, and when I got him back, he was acting funny. He wouldn't eat his food no more.

Okay. So this is an interesting call this is Jim and he believes that his dog may have been sexually abused may have been this isn't a stunt call I just want to let you guys know that all these calls are are real onward he's not even eating his food anymore I can't tell this is a joke or not. Let's go Onward. He didn't want anyone to touch him. And the thing is, the person who's looking after him is, I've known them to be a sexual obedient in the past.

So what should I do? Should I call the police? Like, where do I go from here? Because I don't want my dog being, like, emotionally scarred from this. So what do you recommend I do? Thanks. I don't know if you call the police. I don't know.

You know, honestly, I don't know. I don't have any suggestions. I've never owned a dog. I got attacked by a bunch of dogs twice. My birthday growing up. Another time I got attacked by some cats. I got attacked by a lot of animals. So I never had a dog, you know.

I didn't even know you could pet a dog until I was probably about 11 years old. I didn't know that people had them as pets and kept them in their homes. So what do you do? I don't know if I would let someone watch my dog if I believe that they have. I mean, how deviant is this person I mean if you think they're that deviant I think you need to think before lending them anything you know I don't even think I'd lend that guy a screwdriver you know he'd probably try to hide it hide it hide it in his butt so you know letting him watch a dog that you love or whatever and that's crazy uh to me and I'm sorry that you I guess letting them watch a dog that you love or whatever, that's crazy to me.

And I'm sorry that you, I guess I'm sorry you did that. You know, but I mean, dogs are resilient animals. You know, I'd read about this or call a veteran arian. You know, I think I'm the wrong person to call for this, man. You know, but best of luck to you. Okay, let's take another call here. Thank you very much for hitting the hotline. Again, the hotline number is 985-664-9503.

Here we go. Hi, Theo. My name is Kiani Rosario. Love the podcast. Just wanted to ask, how do you deal with feeling trapped? Okay, this is Ms. Dosario, and she's asking, how do you deal with feeling trapped? Like me and anything in life, work, just been feeling trapped lately. Okay, she's been feeling trapped lately.

Okay, she's been feeling trapped lately. I know her call is kind of low. She said, Theo, how do you deal with feeling trapped by life, work? I wanted to know if you had any advice for that. I wanted to know if I had any advice for that. Thank you for calling, young lady. Our female listenership has been growing, so that's been exciting. And I appreciate the call. Well, I'll just, I'll say this, because you said, how do you deal with feeling trapped?

And I want to say that, you know, that's a, it's a feeling, you know, you're feeling trapped. And is that the actuality? You know, because I'm starting to learn in my life that my feelings aren't reality. You know, my feelings and sometimes even my feelings are, you know, they usually will tell me that I don't feel good. But the reality is that that's not the case. You know, the reality is that things are better than they feel. You know, the reality is that if I suffer from depression, that sometimes my feelings will just feel bad,

even if my life is not that way. So if you're feeling trapped, is that the reality? First, I would just look at that. And this is just a suggestion based on some of my experiences. I would just look at the reality, you know, because your actions are going to be what's real. You know, if you're going to work and you have people around you that care about you and you're taking care of yourself and, you know, all of these things, then those actions sound really good. Those actions sound promising and those

actions sound like you're doing a good job of living for you or for anyone. But if you're feeling trapped, it could just be the feeling. And sometimes what helps get rid of bad feelings is just by noticing the actions that you're taking. It sounds like you're going to work. I don't know what's going on in your life, but if it's good things, then the trappedness could just be a feeling. With that said, have I felt trapped before? Yeah. I feel trapped sometimes by... When it comes to dating and stuff like that, I feel really trapped when it comes to relationships. And I don't know why.

You know, I don't know why really. I'm actually seeing a therapist now. I'll see her today actually. Right after the eclipse, I'll walk into her office. And she is like a sex and love sort of therapist. But basically she just helps you think. She's a regular therapist, but she kind of specifies in those sorts of worlds, and she can help you think about why you behave or feel the way you do in certain relationships. So maybe if you're really feeling bad, you know,

maybe see a therapist if you think that that could help. What else? If you're feeling trapped, you know, by life, you could always try changing some things up. You could also always try just like a lot of times I remember for years I would wake up and think, man, I know what my life's going to be like today. I've got to go to work. I've got to do this.

Then I'll have to come home. Then I'll have to go to the gym. Then I've got to go get groceries. Then I've got to remember to empty the DVR or whatever. And before I even walked out of the front door, I'd already lived my entire day in my head, and I'd already decided that it was mundane and that it was repetitive and that it wasn't going to be enjoyable. And so then that's how my day went.

And all day I just felt trapped in this day that I already knew how it was going to go. And things never changed for me because I didn't allow them room to change. I know that sounds bizarre, but in my mind I didn't. Whereas if I would have got up in the morning and said, hey, today I get to go to work. Today, then I get to come home and I get to go to the gym or I get to hug my, you know, kid or bird or whatever you have or, you know, you know, or I get to meet the exterminator. He's coming to get the spiders. You know, I get to do these things. I get to live. I get to eat lunch. Um, instead of man, I got to eat lunch again at the same place across the street. No, man, I get to eat lunch today. Holy shit.

Almost make yourself ignorant in a way so that everything can be a surprise in a way. It's just really about possibility. Because then if you walk out of the door and say, wow, I get to go to work. It just feels different. And then I get to go to the gym. Wow, anything could happen at the gym. Instead of thinking, man, at the gym, I'm going to have to do this weights and this weights and this weights. It's already ruined your workout. It's not exciting. But if you go to the

gym and be like, man, I could do anything I want. I get to do whatever. Even if you're just going to do the same shit you always do at the gym, the way you approach it, if you leave possibility there, you know, anything could happen at the gym. You know, I might win a new shirt if there's a raffle or somebody might buy me a milkshake or I might get a milkshake after who knows anything is possible. You know, I might fall in love. I might, somebody might jerk me off somewhere behind a machine. You know, I might jerk off behind a machine. I mean, those are crazy ideas. But if you leave possibility, then you're walking around with possibility.

The world suddenly that you've lived in a million days in a row, suddenly it's full of mystery and intrigue and possibility. But those are some thoughts that I have. But if you're really feeling trapped honey or I don't mean honey because that's sometimes belittling even though I don't think it's belittling I think it just means like sweet girl you know sweet young lady if you're really feeling trapped you know and it continues to feel it could be some psychological stuff I don't know so you might want to maybe talk to a therapist about it but if not those are just some things

that I do sometimes that help me when I'm not feeling good. You know, and just keep talking to people. You know, just don't feel trapped by yourself. You know, just don't feel trapped by yourself. And you're not now. Since you told me, now we're trapped. Whoa, we're in an avalanche. You know, what's going to happen in here? You know, who's going to be the first one to fart in the avalanche? know what's gonna happen in here you know who's gonna be the first one to fart in the avalanche you know stupid things but when you open it up to possibility even if it's ridiculous it makes it better than like fuck dang we're stuck in an avalanche is gonna suck you know we'll probably be dead in 17 days you know one of us will have to eat the other one you know boo

so i think just keep some possibility. Maybe that could help you feel better. Um, but I do hope that you feel better and I appreciate you calling. I appreciate everybody calling. I appreciate the calls. Continue to hit the hotline. [phone]. I have to leave. Actually, I got to go do a set at the comedy store, the world famous comedy Store. I'll be in Vancouver this weekend coming up. If you know anything fun there to do, let me know. I do a Destination Fantasy Football draft every year,

and this year we're going to go to Vancouver, so I'm very excited about that. You can hit the store, theovon.com slash store, to get both of my albums that are out, to grab a t-shirt. Also, we have these beautiful prints that are right behind me.

You can see them on the YouTube. They say, Keeping My Squad Hydrated. That's a line from one of the albums. I want to thank Sherb, my editor. I want to thank Ken, the videographer. That's it, man. That's it.

I want to thank you guys for listening to me this week and for joining me. And if you have ideas, things you want to talk about or discussions you want to start, hit the hotline, 985-664-9503. And let's talk about things together. I want to talk about what you want to talk about. I don't want this to be just about my ideas. want to know some of yours and uh and i'm grateful and um yeah ah you guys helped me get through that craving for a cigarette wow thank you that really helped man i don't feel it anymore so i'm gonna celebrate living man

you know that's what i'm gonna do i'm to celebrate living, man. You know, that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to celebrate living. Hope you have a good eclipse, huh? You going to see it? Will it be cool? What if it's a dud? Ah, I don't think it will be. Dude, it could be. What if it eclipses and then aliens show up?

What if aliens show up, dude? And what if, honestly, all they want to do? Suck people's kegs, bro. Wow. Imagine spending, you know, the next couple months playing hide our cocks from aliens. And women, the women will be pissed because the aliens won't be interested in them. You know?

They'll probably blame it on us, some of them. You know, some of the ones who write articles. You know? They'll be like, oh, these guys are hogging all the aliens. Oh, we're not hogging them. Okay? They're trying to suck our dicks, lady. You know, cut us some slack we didn't

tell them to come here and do it they're doing it you can't be left out because just because aliens aren't interested in you right now you know gosh can't we have anything can we have aliens can't poor white people have aliens you know that'd be the coolest if aliens only wanted to blow poor white dudes. You know? Because even though people say, oh, dang, bummer, people would feel left out if aliens weren't chasing them. They would, 100%. It's just how we're built.

Celebrate living, man. I'd be naked by 1 p.m., probably jumping over the neighbor's fence, but then I'd come back and hold hands and do the powwow, I think. That's what I would do. But be good to yourselves, man. Take care of yourselves. Be good to yourselves, you know. I bet you deserve it.

I'll see you guys next week. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner. The answer may shock you. Sometimes I'll interview my friends. Sometimes I won't. And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head. You have three new voice messages.

A lot of people are talking about Kite Club. I've been talking about Kite Club for so long. Longer than anybody else. So great. Hi, it's me. Easy deal. Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker. Charmaine.

I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry. Sorry sir, but our ice cream machine is broken. Oh, no! I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me. Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club. Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club. Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?

And yes, don't worry, my Brad Pitt impression will get better.