This Past Weekend - 8-28-17 | This Past Weekend #39

Episode Date: August 28, 2017

Waterworks, Fight Night, Vancouver. Takes calls on male and female issues. Onward.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This past weekend. Let's connect that boom boom. Alright. Aww yeah. Thank you guys. Happy Monday. Happy Monday, August 28th. The year 2017.

A lot of years, huh? A lot of years in the books. This one's coming in hot. It's coming in hot, boy. And it's coming in wet. It's coming in wet. We're celebrating dark days right now. It's what we're trying to do.

I just want to send some love and some light and some thoughts and prayers out to everybody that's affected by Hurricane Harvey. You know, and they make it sound so nice, Harvey. You know, what's Harvey going to do? You know, Harvey don you know, what's Harvey going to do, you know, oh, Harvey don't ever do nothing, you know, they make it sound like a, like a, you know, a fella in the neighborhood that, you know, still lives with his parents, oh, Harvey, you know, collecting bottle caps and doing that, you know, Harvey opened up his own window washing business and they went out of business, you know. Friggin' Harvey.

Stealing all the Christmas candies. But then that's not what it is. You know, and it shows up and it's more violent a lot of times than its name. And my thoughts and feelings and everything go out to those people in Texas that are struggling. Or if you have family members down there in Houston, you can make a donation. You can text Harvey, H-A-R-V-E-Y to 9099 and that'll make a $10 donation. You can also, I believe to the Red Cross, you can also look online. J.J. Watt, who is a, I mean, just a volatile, beautiful,

you know, capable caveman from the NFL, from the National Football League, has started a fundraising program. You can look it up online and you can donate there as well. But I'm happy to be here with you guys today. You know, that rain, that rain comes in and it's heavy. That rain comes in and it's heavy. And if you're dry today and you're able to drive down your street or get out of your home, you know, for you, that's probably, you know, you're probably doing better than a lot of people.

You know, a lot of people down there struggling and I'm going to find some other ways that I can donate. But thank you guys for being here with me today. I remember when I was young, I was a heavy sleeper. I was a heavy sleeper, man. I mean, I would dream that I was sleeping. I mean, I would dream that I was sleeping. And that's when you're dreaming that you are asleep.

You know, that's that's heavy. That's double sleep. You know, you're you know, you're under two realms of of of brain peace. And so that's where I was at. And I remember one time I fell asleep and a lot of rains came because I grew up in Louisiana and a lot of rains would come. And one time the baseboards or whatever, the thing was rotten at our place and the water came in my mother's room. And she had a package of, I guess, you know, I don't know how to say this appropriately, but feminine care sticks. You know, those feminine care sticks that women use. And that some men might even use. I don't even know what's going on these days.

But, you know, these feminine care sticks. And they were still in the packages. And they had gotten, you know, a box of them had gotten caught in the water or whatever. And they were floating all around the room and they had a bunch of, uh, a sack of marshmallows. Cause I'd, sometimes I'd have me a little bit of marshmallows, you know, before I go to bed or, or just, I'd keep a sack by my, by my bed sometimes. And they had a sack of marshmallows that had, you know, the water had opened up. And there was just all these feminine care sticks and marshmallows kind of floating around the room. And they had, they had, the neighbor's cat was over and was kind of kicking these feminine care sticks around the water.

And it was, it was wild because I was so scared. But here this cat was finding so much joy. You know, snacking on these marshmallows and kicking around these feminine care products around this little lake that had formed in our home. So, you know, what I'm just saying is sometimes you just, even though it's tough, you know, find those bright moments, you know, even when the rains, when the water gets deep. I had a friend, I texted a friend in Houston to check on him, see how he was doing. And he sent me back a picture of this Cajun Navy. And that's people that have these airboats that are able to get out in the neighborhoods and help people out.

And you see a lot of it. I mean, it's just, I mean, it's, that's a neighborhood Dunkirk right there. That's neighborhood Dunkirk flaring up. You know, when you got a fellow just showing up at your doorstep, bringing you pizza or cold water or phone charging, whatever. It's beautiful to see people helping each other out, but he sent me a video of in his own neighborhood of a boat going by. It's pretty interesting to see something you normally wouldn't see in a neighborhood. You don't see a lot of boats on streets. That was interesting, man.

And I appreciate him sending that in. But my thoughts and prayers and well wishes go out to all those people struggling down there in Texas. And I'm looking forward to making more donations as those opportunities arise. But Harvey, you know, they name it Harvey. And that's what I don't like about some of these storms. You know, because if you're a senior citizen,

you're sitting there and you hear, oh, Harvey's coming. You know, what's Harvey? He's harmless. You know, Harvey sounds like that boy in the neighborhood that never really got it together. You know, maybe that boy that had a, you know, he had a flick of the tism in his brain or something light. You know, he still lived with his parents, and he was always, you know, doing small businesses, pressure washing, or, you know, painting. People in the neighborhood would hire him to paint stuff

that didn't need to be painted, just so Harvey could get him a little bit of pocket money. You know, or Harvey would always be, you know, that, you know, Harvey never got it together. You know, he's still living in his parents' basement in his 30s. You know, and you don't invite him to the Christmas party because he steals all the Christmas candy. And they give it a name like that Harvey that sounds like it could be a miscreant or a door-to-door salesman. But then it shows up and it's violent.

And sometimes I wish they would start giving these storms names that showed who they were. You know? You know, here comes Manson. You know, here comes Ray Lewis. You know, here comes Ray Lewis. You know, what about that? Here comes Ron Artest is coming out. You know, see who we got. You know, this Timothy McVeigh, this storm.

You know, give him something that at least he's going to put. If you're a senior and you hear Harvey's coming, you might not be as aware. You might not hide the cat on top of the cupboard. But if you hear that Lee Harvey Oswald is showing up, you might make some different adjustments in your home. So it's just alarming. And it's sad.

And I'm not trying to make light of the scenario that people are dealing with. But I've been through some water times. And they're really tough. But it's amazing to see if you can find them and you can find the joy to see, you know, what people are doing to help each other out. And when we're far away, instead of pointing fingers and thinking about this or that, what we can do is to donate, you know, because money helps. Money helps it all. Thank you guys for joining me on this Monday, August 28th, 2017. You know, it's crazy to see winter is coming.

You know, winter is coming. And Mother Nature, you know, she's lifting her dress up. And she got a cold crotch. And we're about to see some of that wrath show up. You know, and people talk about these, you know, the climate change and the warming and this and that. And who knows, you know, how much that's affecting us at this point exactly in certain areas. You know, I was in Canada in Vancouver this weekend. And there were some drunk girls who were all fired up about global warming.

Saying, we want beaches, you know. We sick of the winters. We want beaches out here. And it's like, look, you can't have beaches just so everybody else can suffer in the world. But outside of that, I was in Canada this weekend. I had a good time. I went up to Vancouver. We had a fantasy football draft, a destination draft.

So every year, my fantasy football league, one of them, we do a destination draft. We pick a city, and we all fly in, and we meet up, and we do our draft. We've done some, you our draft we've done some you know we've done austin we've done uh chicago uh new york where else um uh new orleans uh los angeles san diego some other places miami and we hit up uh vancouver and vancouver is the kind of city it's it's a small city I mean you can almost walk everywhere and you kind of feel like you're just waiting for the city to get going that's what I kind of felt like you know it's a small city very friendly as people I mean friendly men and women if he's talking to men or women it just there's a nice in there. You don't feel like anybody's putting on airs

or trying to be too cool for school. You don't feel as much pomp and circumstance as you do here, specifically in Los Angeles, where you go to a bar, to a night event, and everybody's trying to be that fancy cat. Everybody's trying to get you to smell their breath to let you know that they had the best tuna that night.

They're trying to get you to take a hit off that albacore off their tongue. But you don't feel that up in Vancouver. It just felt like a good vibe, friendly people, kindness. Everywhere. You know, you stop and ask somebody for directions, they take you there. I mean, you know, we asked for directions to this beach and somebody just took us there. I mean, it was a couple of miles. It was 15 minutes. You know, but it was captivating little city. You're just kind of waiting for the city to get going. You keep feeling like, oh, there should be more of an energy or a bustle,

but people there are just more at peace. You know, and I've always thought Canada was a very peaceful place, but I was, you know, like, and New York's kind of gotten that way. New York, it's gotten so, I don't want to say gentrified because I don't know if gentrified just means white, but whatever the financial version of gentrified would be. It's

gotten so greenified, moneyfied that in New York, you don't even get mugged anymore. You know, you got to go up to, you know, North of Harlem to even get mugged. You know, in New York, it's like you walk around these days and it's just everybody's, it's just a bunch of business people, people with money. You know, you almost want some, you almost have to ask it's just everybody's, it's just a bunch of business people, people with money. You know, you almost want some, you almost have to ask somebody to, you know, fuck you up a little. You know, stab me a little or something or just, you know, call me a pervert and, you know, hit me in the back of the knees with a broomstick. Because just if you want to get that vibe that, you know, that New York-y, you know, mug me. You know, I want to feel something.

I want to feel like I'm in the city. And you can't get that in New York proper anymore. In Vancouver, you're just kind of waiting for it to pick up, but it's just a peaceful city. There's just peace going on. We had a nice time, though. We had a great fantasy draft there. We went out to this place called Kitts Beach. They have a beach. And it's like right on the edge of the city. And there's people out there just enjoying themselves.

It almost looks like you're in heaven. I mean, it's extremely multicultural and you're out there and everybody's just enjoying themselves. Everybody seems to be having a good time. It definitely seems like they, like kind of the heaven you would picture in your brain. You know, there's like, there's mountains in the background and there's city, there's skyscrapers. And, you know, even the homeless people seem to be on the uptick. You know, like they were, like they can still at least remember the homes they had. You know, they can at least still remember maybe a two bedroom, two bath that they used to spend time in. You see the homeless people in America, they're, you know, it's just like, they just been, you know, boiling soup in their own

eye sockets. You know, half of them don't, you know, like they've been gargling their own bile. You know, the homeless people here, there's tattered. They've been through the ringer. They've been through the, you know, they've been caught up in the dark arts for too long. They don't even remember how to use a faucet. A lot of them, you take them by a sink, and they'll urinate or just jerk off into it. But you don't see that up in Canada. You see people, even the homeless people, they're ready for homes again. They know they're not going to be homeless forever.

Hell, half of them are probably just camping. I mean, these people love the outdoors, and it's summertime. But if you get a chance to go to Vancouver, we want a nice getaway for you and your lady. The nightlife was pretty chill. It was chill nightlife, which for me these days is good, you know. I'm not out there trying to find erroneous, you know, female tits and doing cocaine out of people's buttocks and all that. You know, I'm trying to be more relaxed. And so we had a nice time.

But a good fantasy draft. I got a good team. One of my buddies lost his mind and i hadn't seen this in a while one of my buddies the uh the three guys went and they got themselves a chocolate bar from one of these marijuana outlets you know in the marijuana these days when i was young that marijuana it was just that brown that dirt you know i mean hell this shit half of it had was pine you, that dirt. You know? I mean, hell, this shit, half of it was pine. You know, that was one of the flavors. It was pine. You know, I mean, this shit,

somebody could have just cut it in their front yard earlier that day, the stuff you were buying when I was a kid. And you'd smoke it in the dark. You had no clue what it was. Half the time, you didn't even get fucked up. You just acted fucked up. And that was that marijuana back then.

But now these kids, you know, these young buckaroos they're hitting on this this stuff it's like lying the witch in the wardrobe this stuff will take you to Narnia this stuff will have you fall out of the back

of your own brain closet into the next realm and they had a guy in our league who said he had smoked weed a long time ago i think he was still trying to live a little and catch that vibe and he ate a little bit of chocolate dude he started geeking he started getting lifted you know you could you could almost hear his brain stem just detaching from his spine this dude was just a human balloon just floating around the room he had to start marching he

started marching took his shirt off dude fucked up people like to take their shirts off huh because they got to get out that cage boy let me out this cotton cage i'm fucked up this polyester this polyester can't hold me this dude was lifted and gifted you know he was feeling that vibe dude he could feel the vultures just start to play and tug a war with his um with his cerebellum and he was getting lifted dude and he's not like that kind of guy you know he even texted even sent the group text we're all sitting there in the room he sends the group text a text saying i'm having severe adverse reactions from marijuana at this moment and he said he did that just so he would have documentation of it like this dude's like a

research kind of guy you know he likes that documentation but man he had his shirt off he had us call him the the place where he bought the chocolate bar he only had one square and he got bent he got bent out boy he got bent out he got bent out, boy. He got bent out. He was catching levels. He was on that third or fourth level, dude. He was hitting warp zones. He was fighting Bowser in his brain. He started marching around the room in a circle.

The room made a full circle. We could go into the bedroom and then come out through the bathroom back into the living room, in this hotel room, and he hit that circle. I mean, he was out there like usain bolton on them vote on that voltage boy on that plantography you know in that garden that was just growing up through his soul that weed and that shit was powerful to watch dude we had to pray with him

we had to do a prayer circle this dude we bought him a bunch of orange juice. We had him in the shower. He was marching in the shower. So anyway, we got to dinner late. We got to dinner late that night. We did our fantasy draft. We had a good time in Vancouver. I would recommend Vancouver.

It's not as crazy nightlife as you would think, but some great hiking, extremely wonderful people. I met a lot of fans just being out and about. But some great hiking, extremely wonderful people. I met a lot of fans just being out and about. Had some great seafood. And just a fun, safe place. If you want to get out to a vibe, I mean, I felt like

I could have slept on the concrete out front and I would have woke up and somebody would have probably put a couple of blankets over me and maybe even put eardrums in my ears

to make sure that something didn't wake me up. It was that kind of environment where people just seemed like they were helping each other out. But we watched the fight. Man, I don't know if you watched the fight or not. Man, it was good, huh? It was interesting. I mean, right out of the gate, I was

thinking, did you see the referee? The referee looked like, first of all, it looked like he was just talking to Conor. But I guess maybe the rules need to be readdressed to him because it's, you know, boxing, straight boxing is in his deal. But the referee looked like every Greyhound bus driver I've ever had. I don't know if you saw that gentleman or not, that beautiful. And he had that booty, like that DS booty. You know, he had that Down syndrome booty.

And he had that booty, like that DS booty. You know, he had that Down syndrome booty. And a lot of, you know, some of you guys know one of my better friends growing up, Derry, had DS. And Down syndrome, popular disease. And he had it and he was, you know, we used to eat sandwiches and stuff and do a little bit of, you know, light ghost hunting and stuff like that by the Ramada when I was growing up. But, man, this referee looked like every Greyhound bus driver. So out of the gate, I was like, I'm into this thing. You know, this fight feels already familiar.

It was exciting, man. It was exciting. The ring girl's looking lovely. And at first, I felt so nervous. I don't know if anybody else felt that. But for the first, like, I mean, the first two rounds, I felt so nervous. I don't know if anybody else felt that, but for the first two rounds, I was so nervous. I can't even feel why. When I think back, why do I feel this way? I think I was just nervous because McGregor seemed so out of his element.

Even his stance and everything, he looked so vulnerable to me. You know, and I don't know a ton about boxing. I don't know a ton about fighting. I know that both these guys are masters in their universes. But it made me nervous, man. I was nervous for him, you know, the first two rounds.

And then after a while, I just felt like you could see the flaws were just, they were natural flaws in Conorors. He didn't have any finishing moves. You know, he didn't have that, that how you can, he didn't have that power. He didn't have that power play. He did, you know, he had just a lot of these straight punches and you know, I was just like, where's that finishing move? At one point, I'm just like, just, you know, throw a kick, daddy, you know, throw a knee knee burst but he didn't have a finishing move and that kind of i feel like made it a little bit tough um and i wish that i know he at the end of the fight

he said you know i wish they would have let us go to the mat where one of us fell one of us hit the dirt and i think at the time he probably thought that but this morning i bet that he was probably glad that it didn't happen that way you know that it't go down like that, that it ended how it did. It was really interesting to see. I want him to fight somebody else next. Andy Dick. Who else could he fight? A-Rod.

I'd love to see him take on A-Rod. I'd love to see him honestly beat Chris Paul's ass. If he'd go in against Chris Paul, I'd love to see. Or Martino Navratilova. Some of these people that want to be young gunners and get in there. But we'll see, man. It was exciting. I wonder if maybe in the original agreement, if he would have asked for an MMA referee.

That was something I was thinking. referee who maybe might have at least been able to judge and referee the fight a little bit more not to his liking but in a comfortable manner. I think it would have made it a little bit more fair. It was heavily favored to Floyd whenever you were looking at it. Even when I

first came on I was like wow okay this is boxing. This isn't MMA at all. This is boxing and you really saw somebody step outside of their comfort zone. I mean, it's really inspiring. Uh, you know, you saw, they had a lot of videos and stuff with these guys doing the after party and really having a good time, man. Um, but yeah, I mean, I was, look, I was, I was nervous. It was exciting to watch, you know, but it was inspiring. I was like, man, I want to work out hard. You know, I want to do something. I want to step outside of my comfort zone. You know, I want to be a baker.

You know what I'm saying? I want to challenge, you know, I want to challenge a motherfucker on some donut level. You know what I mean? I want to step outside of my comfort zone. You know, I want to wake up and, you know, in four months, I want to go, you know, toe to toe with the archaeologists. You know, bitch, where are these bones? I'm out here. Are you digging? I'm digging. You could shovel, I could shovel. It made me want to kind of change up and feel inspired. And then this morning, I just, you know, pretty much a little bit of that left me. Because, you know, inspiration, man that's stuff you have to be reminded. Man, I wish you could have inspiration like an IV,

a drip bag of inspiration. That's what I need a lot of times. Because I will feel inspired, and then it will go away. It will go away. But good to be here with you guys. Hope you guys had a happy weekend. I was in Vancouver. I flew back this morning.

Had a couple of sets tonight at the Comedy Store and at the Hollywood Improv. And I'm so happy to be here on this past weekend. I have an announcement to make, too. A couple of them. One, we got a new set. We got a new set. It's coming along. You can go to YouTube whenever the podcast comes out on YouTube,

which is Monday evening or Tuesday morning. And you can check it out. You can let me know what you think. Also, this week, we're going to launch our Patreon account. That's P-A-T-R-E-O-N slash TheoVon, T-H-E-O-V-O-N, and it's just to support the podcast directly. You know, we've had some advertisers come on, and people have reached out and said, look, man, I just would love to support the podcast directly, and personally, I want to continue improving the show. I love doing this show.

I'm so grateful for this experience. I want you guys to know that. I was nervous when I started out, and I'm still nervous. I'm nervous a little bit every time I get on here and start sharing. I don't know what I'm doing sometimes, if I'm sharing too much or not sharing enough. But I do feel like together that we're doing something good. We're on to something good and I want to take it to the top, you know, and I want to include some options online where people can, you know, become more involved and

that where we can work more together. And so that's what the Patreon will be. And we hope to have that launched on Wednesday. So you guys can check that out if you so choose. No pressure. No matter what, you will always have this past weekend on your Monday mornings. All right. And I want to let you guys know some dates. We have September 6th through 9th. That's next weekend. I'll be at Cap City in Austin. If you have friends or family in Austin, tell them to come on out. September 14th through 17th, I'll be at Hilarities in Cleveland. And then November 17th through 19th, I'll be at Stand Up Live in Huntsville, Alabama. I'm excited about all those things.

Feeling pretty excited, man. You know, I felt a little bit nervous tonight before I started. Sometimes I guess I get a little nervous. You know, I get a little bit nervous of what the vibe is and what you guys want to hear, what I want to talk about. And I just appreciate you guys being supportive and sticking with me. We got a lot of great calls that came in. And I want to just get right into them, man. Some of them are really, really interesting.

So let's crack in to the hotline calls right now. The number is 985-664-9503. If you're down in Texas and you had an experience from the rain, you know, where you saw something go on that you thought was pretty remarkable, I'd love to hear a little bit about that. You know, that's one of the things you can hit the hotline with. As well, if you're just going through something and you want to share it, you can hit the hotline with that. Anything that if I've been through it as well, I you're just going through something and you want to share it, you can hit the hotline with that. Anything that if I've been through it as well, I'm happy to share. I don't have advice, but I do have suggestions and I do have my own experiences so that we don't have to feel alone.

All right, let's check in with this first call right here. Hey, what's up, Theo? This is Tim from Tennessee. All right, Tim from Tennessee. All right, Tim from Tennessee. I can hear that. I can hear that jingle in your jungle, man, in your neck instrument, you know, that V-Box, baby. I can hear you spouting off that Sweet Southern, you know. You got that molasses in your sound canal. Let's hear more. I'm calling about a an issue i have so uh i have this cousin who's trying to be a rapper um a christian rapper actually he's got a cousin trying to be a christian rapper man that's that's

wild baby you know you know it's whatever i don't really like christian rap it's all pretty much terrible but if that's what you know people get a hold of that and it helps them, you know, go for it. But the problem is that he's terrible, you know. Wow. The problem is, is that he's terrible, man. He dropping hymns and spinning rims, baby. You know what I'm saying? He's caught up in that CR, son, that Christian rap.

Having babies with virgin ladies. Parting C's and Negro, please. Y'all turning up out there in that Bible belt. He's dropping it off, huh? And you think he's terrible. Well, look, I feel you, man. I have friends that have thought that I think are terrible at stuff that do things. you, man, I have friends that have thought that I think are terrible at stuff that do things, you know, and I'm going to stop you right there, but I'm guessing that you're just wondering how to handle it. And here's what I say. What do you lose by him giving it a shot? You know, he's going

to go as far as he's going to go with it. You know, he could be great. There were times for years when I was not good at comedy. And if somebody would have really said that to me, I may not have kept going. And I'm not saying that I'm great today, but I'm saying today that I can do my job. And I can say that I do my job well. But, you know, you just can't take away his hope. So I think if you can offer, you know,

if you have constructive suggestions, fire him at him. Because, dude, I mean, this guy is getting into a crazy game. I mean, I know there are some Christian rappers that are popular. I think most of them are black. So it would probably be good to see some, you know, some diversity in the market could be good. I'd love it if actually you could hit the hotline and drop one of his tracks in. Maybe we could even start one of the podcasts off with it next week. So if you have the ability to do that,

or you can email it to me at theovon, T-H-E-O-V-O-N, at mac, M-A-C.com. But I appreciate you calling and saying this, you know. And you got to think that Jesus balled out, you know. I mean, he was a rapper in a way. If you want to think, whether you think about him as the Savior, you think about him just as a human being. I mean, that dude was, you know, spitting in a way. Whether you think about him as the savior, you think about him just as a human being. I mean, that dude was spitting in the desert. Jesus was dropping lyrics in the desert.

It's hard to even keep moisture in your mouth in the desert. So at the very least, boy, he was a him and him, if you feel me. It's hard to even keep your tongue wet in the desert. And he was roaming around, dropping tracks, dude. You know, so, I mean, there's some respect there, you know. I mean, that's real stuff. So I just support his ability to try something different, try not to be too hard on him.

Buy him some gold teeth, you know, maybe make it something that you enjoy. You know, buy him some gold teeth like you know, five gold teeth and spell out H-Y-M-N-S and put that hymns in his grin. Or get him a gold necklace with three nails on it. You know, it's hard

sometimes with family to support them. Because for some reason, family when they do some shit, it will drive you way more crazy than friends do. My sister, she did one of those things on Facebook one time where it's like, I'm going to say something I'm thankful for for the next 700 days. And man, I wanted to speak up. I wanted to say I feel like that's crazy, but it doesn't matter what I feel. So I'd find a way to embrace it you know maybe

get a tattoo on your back of him fucking dropping mad tracks you know the lamb boy the lamb of jeezy boy you know he's spitting straight fire wool you know so see what you can do there man to support him just don't take away his hope i think you can offer him some suggestions if you feel like it or ask him if you want suggestions but don't fire him off and take away his hope maybe see if you could be a background singer that shit would be hilarious because then you're embracing it you're part of it so i'd find a way to embrace it if my brother came to me and said he wanted to be a Christian rapper, dude, I would gain about 150 pounds and put on a dress that them thick girls, them girls that got them, you know, them, you know, they got them bassists. You know, they got that deep throat, You know, where they can gargle them.

They can gargle different sounds down there. You know, and I would put on a big robe and I would support my brother. I'd be hitting him back. Round. G-G-G-Jesus. We out in this motherfucking desert. Dang, dang, dang, dang, dang. Three days, three days later,

I'm back, back, back, back. Easter, Easter. Play that backup, baby. You can help him out. Good luck with it. Thanks for calling. Onward, next caller. Hey, what's up, Theo?

This is Josh. I'm out here in Charlotte, North Cackalack. Josh in Charlotte, North Cackalacka. That's North Carolina for those of you guys who don't know. Josh, thank you for calling. I'd like to see you come down to the Comedy Zone here in Charlotte. That'd be cool to see you, man. I've been there before to Charlotte, and the only time I was there,

I was there at the Comedy Zone. I had a good time. I'll be back next year. I don't know the dates, but I saw Cam Newton. I was there for 40 minutes. I'd been in town. I'm sitting on the on the out door patio of a mccormick and schmicks having me a little salad

and cam newton went by with a baby carriage pushing his son he had a newborn um or it had been you know a few months old and he's pushing the son in a baby carriage and at first i thought it was a homeless guy because he was you know you don't see a lot of adult men at all just pushing a baby carriage by themselves down the street. And you also don't see a lot of adult black men, at least I'm not used to seeing that, pushing a baby carriage down the street. And he had on this, you know, kind of a Gucci hat and a scarf. And I'm like, dang, this dude might be homeless. But then he got close and I was like, holy shit, this dude is Cam Newton. So you never know, man.

You never know when a homeless person might be Cam Newton. You never know when you might be surprised. Onward. Just wanted to get some advice from you if you could help me with something. Started dating this girl, and she's a bit of a squirter. Oh, okay, so you're hitting them waterworks, baby. You're passing, I don't know if it's Baltic Avenue or Marvin Gardens, and you're hitting them waterworks with the ladies.

Okay. You know, this is kind of an edgy topic, but we're going to try to field it here. Thank you for calling, Onward. I always thought that that was cool at first, you know, especially when I see it like it was some or something but yeah them sprayers you know them gunners you know remind you going to the fair when you play that game you're trying to shoot that thing and get that animal from that old man and that dude usually probably look like you have some kind of a skin cancer or lung cancer but onward i know what you're talking about

man after a while it's just getting i don, man. I have to change the sheets all the time. I'm going to the store to get detergent. These people are probably like, this dude's got a lot of clothes or something, you know? Yeah, with detergent and also buying detergent, a lot of people think you might be cooking it down and doing some kind of new dope. And that's one of the issues I run because I've know i've at times in the past i had me a little bit of an afrin habit you know i get that afrin and i use the suggested dose now i'm not riding outside of my suggested dose circles but man sometime coming around 11 o'clock dude you know my hands start fiending for a hit off that afrin for a hit to you know get my nasal

passages sedated but yeah i can feel you man so you're dealing with a lot of extra laundry a lot of extra laundry because you got old faithful in the bedroom onward but i don't know if you can give me some advice on that man it's just like it's just a mess, man. And I really like the girl, too. But, all right, man. Have a good one. You know, it's interesting, man, because I met a girl years ago. She'd moved to town. She dated one of the Jonas brothers. I don't know which one.

There's three of them. I think they all damn look the same. Beautiful young men. From what I remember, I never looked at them very closely. But this gal, you know she was she was really you know she had that extra plumbing and some girls they just got that wild piping where they'd be spraying out a little and yeah at first you're like oh this is a party you know daddy's here you know i'll do it i'll wash dishes down between this gal's legs you know but then after a while, it's, that ain't no joke, you know, that's a,

it's a liability, you know, unless they're, you know, putting extra use to some of that activity, like they're watering plants or, you know, refilling the fish bowl, it can be a bit overwhelming at times, you know, so I don't know what you do because you don't want to make her feel bad because this is a natural thing, and look, we all have things naturally about us that our loved one or our spouse doesn't like. You know, it could be that you clear your throat or you pick your nose while you drive or that you have a lot of body gas. And sometimes if I don't sleep well, I'll get a little extra body gas. So, you know, I know that I can be, you know, I have things about myself. But maybe find some other ways you guys can be sensual without hitting that gasm, you know.

Without, you know, Hurricane Harvey stopping by y'all's bedroom every night. Because that can be wild, you know. So maybe talk to her about it. See how she feels. Because, yeah, otherwise you got to keep a stack of towels there in the bedroom. And you've got to really sound off. Otherwise, other than that, I'd say make it fun. You know, put a couple of barrels.

They used to have this thing, little buckets. They used to have this show called the Bozo Show or something. Where if you got a thing and you threw these balls, if you got it in a bucket, you got you a Subway sandwich. And they'd have children on there. And this might have just been locally, but they had this guy, Bozo the Clown, or somebody. The grand prize game. You throw these ping pong balls at these buckets. If you got it out to the five bucket, then you got you maybe a Subway sandwich for your whole classroom of children. So maybe do that. Maybe make something fun or cute about it. You know, or just make two nights a week where y'all do six.

And that's the activity night. You know, or just make two nights a week where y'all do sex and that's the activity night. You know, show up prepared. Put floaties on. You know, be a baller. You know what I'm saying, dude? Get that Michael Phelps neck piece. Do something. You know, but I think instead of you know, if you want to keep her and you do care about her

then you're going to have to find a way to make it comfortable for you. And to not talk to her about it in a way that makes it uncomfortable for her. Man, that's a tough one. That is a tough one, man. And if somebody out there has good advice for this gentleman, you know, about his damp damsel, if we will, then hit the hotline and let them know.

And I'll try to do a follow-up episode this week where other people can give you some return advice about that damn damsel and how to handle that but yeah it's interesting because the things you see in pornography man you get those things in real life dude that's not it's not the same thing

you know if like you got a girl out there they had this one thing you know years ago some girl was eating she could eat donut holes with her hoo-ha. And yeah, that's great. You know, that's cool on a, you know, on a brunch, maybe a Sunday brunch. You know, you partying with your new girlfriend, you know, and you having you a little bit of fruit or some, you know, a yogurt. And she's doing, she's hiding donuts, you know, she's calorieing up.

But dude, come, you know, a couple months of that you having to run to the store all the time and get donuts and shit that shit's crazy and what if her hoo-ha starts to upscale and that thing wants a butterfinger or a payday you know or a hundred grand or a thousand grand that thing starts hiding whatchamacallits and almond joys in its cheeks dude then you're talking i mean then you're talking the dark arts. So the things you see in pornography, sometimes they can escalate when you get them in real life.

But I would approach it in a way, if you do talk about it with her, in a way that's comfortable for her. You know, because you just don't want to make her feel bad because once she starts feeling bad about her body, that's going to be uncomfortable for everybody, man. You know? But good luck, man.

I appreciate you calling in about it, brother. Whoo! You partying out there, dude. Wherever you are, North Cackalacka, they partying. All right, next caller. Onward. What's up, buddy? This is Nathan from Kansas City.

This is Nathan from Kansas City. I just picked your defense in my fantasy football league. I hope they do well. Onward, Nathan. I just had a quick question for you, man. I grew up with two real good friends of mine, Well, onward Nathan. I just had a quick question for you, man. I grew up with two real good friends of mine, and we're kind of slowly drifting apart. And I believe that they're actually pretty upset with me. Now, I'm not sure what it is that they're upset about, but I would like to sit down man-to-man and kind of talk it out.

to sit down man-to-man and kind of talk it out. Okay, so you grew up with two good friends, and they're really upset at you, but you're not sure what they're upset about, and you'd like to sit down man-to-man and talk it out. That's what we got so far onward. And they don't answer the phone. They don't respond to text messages.

So I'm kind of at a loss of what to do, and I'm hoping maybe you could help me out with some advice on this subject here, man. I love the show. All right. Thanks for calling, man. Love the show, man. I appreciate you enjoying it. I love you, brother.

You know, I want you to feel good about this, dude. But it sounds like you know they're upset they're calling you. You know they're upset, but calling you you know they're upset but you don't know about what you know and i don't want to i don't want to say i don't believe you man but you got to have some inkling you know if you know they're upset you know but you're not sure about what you probably got to have some inkling you know and if they don't want to respond to you right now, then, you know, obviously if it's two of them, you know, they must be really upset about it. So, I mean, I think there's two things here.

One, I would just give them some space, you know, maybe they're moving along. Maybe you guys don't even need each other. Maybe, you know, maybe this friendship has run its course or two, it sounds like there's a little more to the story. has run its course. Or two, it sounds like there's a little more to the story. I would own up to whatever happened and go see them face to face and own up 100%. And I wouldn't own up with a but, you know, look, man, you know, this happened, but I felt this way. I'd leave the but off of it. I would show up, own up to whatever you did personally. And don't ask for like, you know, if you want continued friendship and say, look, buh, you know, I want to still be friends.

I want to still be buddies. You know, I want to still split Kit Kats together. You know, I want to still, you know, sit around and hide dip in our mouths together and do friendship. You know, I want to still sit in a room and have your body heat be in the distance. If you still want those things, then let them know that. But you're also going to have to probably, if there was something you did, you're going to have to apologize to it. I'd do it man to man. I wouldn't hit the phone lines. I would do it man to man. And I wouldn't say any buts. I would just apologize and let them know, look, I'd still like to be friends. You know, adult friendship, dude, this shit's tricky out here.

Because adults, they get busy. Sometimes their wives don't want them hanging out with other adults. You know, people start getting jealousy happens. You know, you get a new house, but your buddy don't have a house yet. And he's still out there in an apartment. Jealousy happens, you know. Your buddy loses his leg and you still got two legs. And next thing you know, he don't want to talk to you.

Because he thinks you're showing off by having two legs. That's crazy. You know? But adulthood friendship is hard. That's one thing that was fascinating about young friendship. To be friends when you were young, all it was was proximity usually. It's like your best friends, still to this day even, were just usually people that lived near you. That was it. You know, it's not like there was this big friend search where you interviewed thousands of other children when you were a child. It was just who's nearby.

Oh, they are? Boom, boom, friendship. You know, it's like a lot of It was just who's nearby. Oh, they are? Boom, boom, friendship. It's like a lot of it's just proximity based. So if you value their friendship, then I would make it a man-to-man apology. I wouldn't try it on the phone. I appreciate you calling up. Let's hit another call here.

We're cruising through some calls, man. And I appreciate you guys calling and hitting the hotline, 985-664-9503. I'm feeling good. I'm trying to get through this. It's 1245 a.m. here on the Pacific Coast time. I got a cool week coming up. We have David Allen Greer coming in on our podcast for Allegedly.

Spencer Pratt as well. That episode will be airing this week, I believe, on Allegedly. That Pratt as well. That episode will be airing this week, I believe, on Allegedly. That's my Hollywood podcast. You can check it out with my wonderful co-host, Matthew Cole Weiss. And we have...

Who else is coming in? It's rumored... It's rumored that Chris Hansen's supposed to be coming on. So that could be really, really exciting. All right, let's take another call. Here we go. All right, let's take another call.

Here we go. Hey, Theo, this is Cody calling from Boulder, Colorado again. This is Cody from Boulder, Colorado. You're up there in the country up there where everybody's eating drugs and stuff up there in the mountains. Thank you for calling. First off, I want to thank you for taking my last call

about texting and phone culture. I really enjoyed your poo in the meat Taco Bell story. Yeah, it's a true story, and everybody uses the, that there was feces in the meat in their Taco Bell in their town, but this really happened in my hometown when I was growing up. It really, really happened, and it was alarming, but we made it through it as a community. And it's amazing sometimes what community can overcome together.

Let's hear more. And when you said, I don't know if we can go back, related to texting, that really kind of made me think about some shit. The reason I'm calling this time is about love. I feel like you don't really talk about that other than guys trying to blow you. That's really the only thing we've heard. Specifically, I want to

talk about monogamy and polygamy. From where I'm at in Boulder, and I know in San Francisco, polygamy is real big. Okay. From Boulder, he's saying that he wants to talk about love. He's asking me, I don't talk about love that much except for if fellas is trying to blow me or run my pole.

You know, if they're trying to run my pole with the inside of their face. And that is probably in reference to when Andy Dick tried to blow me a few times over there in Shreveport, Louisiana. But onward, I'll hear the rest of this. From where I'm at in Boulder, I know in like San Francisco, polygamy is real big. Personally, I'm just not sure that I can marry the same person for 40 plus years or whatever. So yeah, just curious

to hear your thoughts on that. Thanks again for doing what you do, man. You're a freaking legend. Peace. I appreciate your call, man. I appreciate your previous call and I appreciate this one.

I really do. I appreciate everybody that takes time to call in and help because this show goes. It goes because you guys call. You know, my brain, I'm short. I've always had a short, you know, kind of a short brain. You know, I remember they did a CAT scan on me and the man said, you got a short brain. I was like, what the fuck does that mean? You know, and I got angry with him, even though I

was just wearing just that one piece in the hospital where the back is open, where anybody could fuck you, you know, which is really is really i think very scary to put on somebody when they're already alarmed and they're in a hospital i mean i say put them in a full damn ski outfit but you know they want to put you in that thing that's scary even more and the man said you got a short brain he goes the the the the width of your brain from the bottom to the top is not very tall. You got a short brain. But that doesn't surprise me. You know, I've always had, you know, a lot of medical deficiencies or abnormalities.

You know, my father told me when I was young that I had the heart of a lesbian. You know, and the man told me, one of the doctors told me when I was a child that I had the ribcage of a large, large cat. Probably, I'm thinking mountains, some sort of a mountain cat. Probably something you would see up in Boulder, maybe. But anyhow, we're talking monogamy and polygamy, or monogamy. And can you do it? What's it like these days? You know, I think I wouldn't be surprised if we get more towards a culture where marriage isn't as necessary. And I hate to say it because I want to see...

I love the family unit. And it's statistically proven across the board that children survive and thrive better when they have two parents in the home. And that's a statistic for every ethnicity. Go look it up. Every ethnicity. You know, and so it's, but it's like, is that what's popular right now? You know, is that what's going on? And, you know, I don't know.

It scares me too to think, you know. I mean, I've been talking to a gal and I was just talking to her about how that makes me feel very nervous. And I think part of the nervous thing about being with somebody forever is just the propensity for you to be able to mess up. To cheat or to lie or to not be a good husband you know and that's the scary part i think of monogamy these days you know is man built to be able to withstand all this constant barrage with the pornography and the you know the instagram and the titties wandering by you know i mean i mean you open your eye if you even open your eyes outside it's like everything has titties on it now you know when you start to see them and it's just

there's there's just a lot of breast work out there that there wasn't i think years ago our grandfather only time he saw some other breasts maybe if he went to the store you know or if he even held a soft melon back in the day you know if you probably in the 1930s if he even held a soft melon back in the day you know if you probably in the 1930s if he even held a soft melon that's the only time he really thought of any of somebody outside of his marriage when he was checking melons you know when he was considering buying fruit i mean he probably that used to be the old playboy probably pulling up to a fruit stand and feeling the different you know the plums and the and the different uh you know, the plums and the, and the different, you know, honeydews out there and just feeling their softness. I mean, God damn, you put a,

you put a C cup avocado in each one of my hands and I'll, I mean, I will, my penis will mount up on top of my nuts and it will be erect. So it's wild to think that, that back in the day, that that's all, that's the only stimulation that they had You know when I was young You had the pornography magazines But you also A lot of people I think in our neighborhood

Were drawing pictures of vaginas in the dirt And I don't know if it was just in our neighborhood Even around town There was a group Or maybe just one person An artist I guess you could even call them an artist You know or somebody

That was trying to do graffiti But didn't have any paint And they would just be drawing pictures of vaginas in the dirt and you'd be wandering around town and just see a vagina in the dirt. And that would always be a little bit crazy, you know, to see that. And that would make you feel erect and stuff. And you never knew when you were going to see that. But nowadays, yeah, it's like, you know, it's hard to just conserve your sexual energy for one person because there's so many things trying to take it from you nowadays. Polygamy, I don't know.

I mean, it sounds like it'd be great, of course, you know, to maybe have a change of pace in your life. You know, but you got to be a great multitasker. Would it be good for the kids? You know, I don't know enough about it, what the effect of polygamy has on children, you know, when you get dad two or three nights a week, you know, when you got your different types of wives. And I mean, I feel sometimes like I have enough love inside of me to, you know, to be able to maybe live in that environment. But is that practical? I don't know. You know, I don't know, man. And I

don't talk a lot about my past endeavors, man. I mean, I've had a lot of sexual, uh, sexuality over the years, you know, some good and some bad, you know, and I don't really even like sex that much. I'm not real keen on it. You know, people banging their bodies into each other. You know, it's just, sometimes it just gets old a little bit. And maybe that's a dour look at sex. And maybe I need to have my chi, you know, reconfigured. You know, I need to take my chi into the chi shop, you know, and remodel my chi. But that's just how I feel sometimes, you know, that after a certain point.

Also, it's just got to be about more than that to have that connection. But it's a great it. You know, I don't think there's a man, you know, every man thinks about it for sure about polygamy. You know, I think it's natural. They say it's natural to want to mount up and do love and do sex on others. They say it's natural. So it's your it's a fight you're in. If you're staying monogamous and you're

in a one-on-one relationship if you've been in a long-term relationship and you've stayed true in it i'd love to hear some of the what that feels like what some of those values are what do you what you know what are the prizes there that you get emotionally for yourself what does that feel like man if you're out there you know we're ladies a lot of these ladies be running around these days slanging that canal it's wild out there it's definitely wild what are we how we getting on time here man i think we're getting a little bit along um i'm actually going to let's take away let's take one more call here and see what's happening, man. I want to say this.

We got a caller right here. What's up, Theo? Hello, Louisiana boy. Calling in here from Shreveport, L.A. Shreveport, Louisiana. That's where Andy Dick tried to break me off with them tongue and jowls, you know, on my biddles. Onward.

Just calling with some problems that I'm currently having. I graduated high school two years ago. Congratulations. If you graduated high school in Louisiana, congratulations, brother. Not easy for a lot of people, and I appreciate you calling tonight, man. Thank you. Onward. Currently 20 years old.

Just been having some problems with excessive pornography use, lack of motivation to go out and get girls. I had a few girls, girlfriends in high school, and every time I get the opportunity to go hang out with a girl or whatever, I always talk myself out of it, whether it's, you know, kind of insecurity or lack of confidence. All right, I appreciate this, man. I mean, you know, this is an issue that I've struggled with over the years.

You know, you're having some issues with pornography, and you were dating in high school, but now you're not dating that much, and you're feeling like you might have, you know, a lack of motivation to do that. But it sounds like you are interested in women. So, onward. Because I have in the past, you know, I had girls. I know I can talk to girls.

I'm a complete loser. But it was because I got under some shit right now with that. I was just calling to see what's your thoughts on that and how I can kind of pull myself out of this funk. Dude, you can pull yourself right out of that funk. I'm going to tell you that, how to un-funk. Dude, how to un-gunk your funk. How to un-gunk your funk, this is how.

You got to stop the masturbation. You got to stop the pornography. If you feel like it's gotten out of control, people that are just watching it and enjoying it and not everybody's calling and saying they feel like it's gotten out of control so if you feel that way it's probably based on something real

that it's become a bad habit it can probably be a healthy habit for you again one day but for now you might want to address it and some people think I'm crazy well dude he can jerk off this fella just trying to jerk off. But now he's reaching out and he's not comfortable for him anymore. Then it's not a fun game for him.

You know, yeah, I get it, dude. It's fun. You know, I remember cruising on the interstate and, you know, blasting one out the side of an open van door. You know? And that was a blast, dude, but those days are over. And now when you're just doing it at home and you're not going out and meeting people,

so what you got to do is you got to cut it off. Not your wiener, bro. But you just have to stop it. You got to find some ways to stop it. You got to find habits. Notice what your habits are whenever you do it and shut it down at night. No electronics late at night. Shut it down. You know? And as you get away from, you get 30 days away from it,

I promise you, you'll just start to feel better in your body. You'll feel more motivated. You'll feel more confident. And I'll even tell you this, man, they got SAA meetings and that's, it's sexual addiction stuff. And that can be anything, man. It doesn't mean you're out there perverting. It doesn't mean you're out there peeping, timing, or being a weirdo. They got them. I'm looking right here online. They have them on Monday, Thursday, and Friday in Shreveport, Louisiana. So you can check them out.

Nobody's going to know that you heard it on here and went. Nobody's going to know anything like that. But go check it out, man. You can hear about it. You can hear other people share what's going on with them it's recovery bro you can get in that and get and make yourself feel better dude you know i'm saying get off that seed gun because you're just getting handy with the seed gun baby you Wyatt Earp when you come to your crotch bro you are Wyatt Earp and And that's okay, man. You just got to settle that wild west down. You got to settle that. You got to take the wild out of the west for a while.

And I promise you, you'll feel invigorated. You'll feel more confident. You got to let that chi built up. You got to let that chi build up. And I'm telling you that because I know that, you know, I'm telling you that because I know it. And you ain't alone, baby. I've been out in them skeet streets. And I know some people say that I beat this topic. And you ain't alone, baby. I've been out in them skeet streets. And I know some people say that I beat this topic to death. Play on words, of course. But look, if you're calling about it and I can share about it, man, then I'm happy to do that. And I appreciate you guys all hitting the hotline.

We got one more call right here. But good luck, man. And if you even want to just hit me on the hotline again, I won't put the call on. But just to let me know what's going on or if you want to talk about it in the future, man, I'm happy to discuss it. But yeah, it's a battle out there, dude. It's a battle out there. If you want to be a man that's not caught up in the dark arts, that's not out there hiding in the living room while your wife laying in the other room and she's wondering why your sex life is bad and you out there spraying out, laying down in the tub trying to be quiet. Jacked up on some porn hub.

You know? It's tough, guys. I'm not saying you're not wrong for doing it. But it's tough. And we're battling that shit. And we're better than that. You know, they create these things to weaken us, to beat us down. You think George Washington was jerking off at night, dude?

Hell no. That dude was sharpening his wooden teeth and being ready for the next day. And they say he just chopped down one cherry tree. I bet that motherfucker chopped down all of them. Because he showed up. You know, he battled his tough times. Imagine having termites in your teeth and you still got to wake up and smile. It's tough to be a man these days. They don't want us to be a man,

but we're not going to, we're not going to fall down, baby. We're not. We're going to, we're going to toe the line, man. Good luck to you out there, but you can check out those, where those meetings are at, at saa.recovery.org. And it doesn't mean you're a creeper or a weirdo, dude. Trust me. I'm the most amazing people you'll meet here in some of these meetings, dude. Businessmen, professionals, heroes, bruh. Heroes. All right, let's hit one more call here on this hotline.

Y'all got me feeling fired up. You know what I'm saying? Fired up. I'm about to swim down to Houston and use my body as a sandbag again you can donate you can text H-A-R-V-E-Y to 90999

if you can't find a way to help help like that take $10 out of your pocket put it into somebody else's that can help JJ Watt has a great charity that's online you can hit them up online just google JJ Watt charity and see what they're doing to help out. Let's do one more call. This call came in from a gentleman.

Hey, Theo. I just wanted to thank you for the fresh perspective that this past weekend continually reminds me to stay positive and celebrate living. And just had a little baby girl born three days ago, healthy and happy and gorgeous as ever. I appreciate you doing the Lord's work on the back of that skullet. Brendan Shaw's right. You're about to take the comedy game to a whole new level.

Love you, brother. Take care. Love you too, man. Congratulations, dude. You got that three-day-old baby girl, huh? Look at us, man. That's a supportive you want to support feminists, that's how we do it. We're bringing daughters into

the world. We're raising them to be good women. To be confident. To be able to become good mothers. We're trying to lead by example. We might fail at times, but we get back up. And're trying to lead by example. We might fail at times, but we get back up. And I appreciate that call, man.

I really appreciate that call. I appreciate the thank you. Because yeah, it's tough out here, man. It's tough out here for me. And it's nice when I get to get these calls because I wish a lot of times that I'd left out of here to Los Angeles and moved home

and had myself a family by now and had that. And I get a little bit jealous, so I appreciate you sharing that with me. It makes me feel like I'm a part of something. But yeah, man, little girls are the cutest. My family was never very close, and then my sister had a baby. When she first had it, I was like, man, I was so angry at her i'm like what are you doing you don't even know about life or you don't know i was just so judgmental and then man once i got to know this kid you know and she's just the light of my life and now she has two daughters and

you know anything they do just brings joy to me and they brought so much joy to me over the years just by being alive. You know, and little girls are so sweet, man. I appreciate you sharing that blessing with us. You know, that's what it's about. You know, that's what it's about, dude. We're out here trying to help each other out. To remind each other what we can be, boy.

We taking this thing. So thank you. I appreciate that call, man. You know, we're trying. We're in you. I appreciate that call, man. We're trying. We're in this together, dude. We're celebrating living. So hit the hotline.

Check out YouTube and check out the new set. Man, I'm so thankful to Ken Hyland, one of my producers who helped put this set together for me. Man, I am. Dude, this is cool. We're doing some cool stuff. We got the Patreon. You can check that out. That should be up by Wednesday.

And that is P-A-T-R-E-O-N dot com slash Theo Vaughn. And you can support the podcast directly. We're just going to have some small ways you can support. And hopefully some other neat ways that people can get involved and become a part of this. But by hitting the hotline, you can become involved. I had a couple more calls on the call list, but I'm not going to get to them because it's 1 a.m. here and I still got to edit this thing and put it up.

But again, my heart goes out to everybody in Texas. And if you have somebody that's down there, even if they're not in Houston, text them. Just let them know

you're thinking about them. Let them know just for a minute that we're not thinking about ourselves. That's what we're trying to do. So them know that just for a minute that we're not thinking about ourselves. That's what we're trying to do. So we're going to celebrate a living, man. Happy birthday to that three-year-old.

And thank you for the callers. And I'll talk to you guys soon, man. Finish my coffee. And this is the Spencer Jacob Grau, G-R-A-U band. And that link will be in the YouTube as well. Celebrate living. Celebrate misery. You know that soon we're gonna die.

And as well, if anybody has a topic that they'd like to have us address on the podcast, call in and say, hey, this is a topic suggestion. I'd love to know whatever. I mean, that hotline is open. If you call and mess up or whatever, call back. You know, there's no judgment on that. There's no judgment. And thank you for everybody that called and shared some of their thoughts and feelings.

I really appreciate it, man. I really, really do. I'm excited today, man. I really really do. I'm excited today man. I'm excited All of your demons exercised Close this out right here, man. You guys be good to yourselves. I bet you deserve it. I'm going to try. I'm going to try, man.

I'm going to try. No promises, but I'm going to try, man. You guys be good. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner. The answer may shock you.

Sometimes I'll interview my friends. Sometimes I won't. And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head. You have three new voice messages. A lot of people are talking about Kite Club. I've been talking about Kite Club for so long. Longer than anybody else. So great.

Hi, sweetheart. Here's the deal. Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker. Charmaine. I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry. Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken. Oh, no! I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.

Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club. Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club. Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah? And yes, don't worry,

my Brad Pitt impression will get better.