This Past Weekend - Bert Kreischer 2 | This Past Weekend #268

Episode Date: March 19, 2020

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Today's guest is the host of The Burt Cast and has a new comedy special on Netflix, which you should check out right now called Hey, Big Boy. It's the big boy himself, Mr. Burt Kreischer. Burt. How about like Ron or Tess got it? Did he really? I've seen him swimming before.

I've seen the way he swims on my surprise. He stroked his way into something he doesn't. He swims well, but not like I would swim. You'd think those basketball players would be Olympic swimmers. Yeah, well, you could really, first of all, getting in the pool, you're a third of the way there. Dude, I had a joke.

Tell me when you're rolling. Okay, perfect. I had a joke in my last special secret time, not this special, Hey, Big Boy, which is streaming right now. Which is streaming right now. Right now. In my last special, this is a true story, Ralph Sampson.

Do you remember Ralph Sampson? Ralph Sampson's a basketball player. Did I cocaine? No, that's, it's Len Bias. Len Bias. Oh, close. RIP, man. He died, bro.

Yep, Ralph Sampson. This is a true story. It was by the end of my Netflix specials and no one watched it, but he gave a speech to us when we were at Villanova for like basketball camp. And the two takeaways was number one, he works hard, number two, he can't swim. That was enough.

Like he never learned how to swim. Work hard, can't swim, it's his new special. Yeah, work hard, can't swim. He said the whole time his sisters learned how to swim, he just practiced dribbling the basketball. Never learned how to swim. And my whole thing, I'm sitting and listening to this speech and I go, who the fuck needs to learn how to swim

when you're seven feet tall? And he went in the pool, you're still halfway out of water. But by the way, they would make, these basketball players would make such great swimmers. Manuak bowl, that fucking stroke. He'd be scraping his knuckles on the bottom of the pool, he could grab onto the pool and just drag himself across. Oh, he's built like Slender Man, dude.

You ever seen Slender? I have seen Slender Man. Manuak bowl is very much built like Slender. Let me turn my fucking phone off. I love turning my phone off these days. Oh, it's so nice. I was just saying Maui, man, my phone was off a lot. You were Maui?

Yeah. I love Maui. Dude, how nice is it? By the way, all this happening is Searing is going, you love Maui? Yeah. Dude, the phones won't even go off. If you set your phone and say,

hey, Seary, turn my phone off, you can't do it. I don't know how to turn an iPhone off. Yeah. I've never turned it off. You just hold this button, right? You have to hold both buttons, other top button. Oh, for real? It's that screen grab button too, the whole time.

You have to hold it for like three seconds. Oh, there you go. I've never turned my phone off. Says a lot about my personality. Yeah. Yeah, all this coronavirus going on and my phone was like, you've actually spent 60% less time on your phone. Oh, really?

Yeah. That's pretty cool. It's because of the special and all press was taken away. Oh, yeah. Zero press, dude. But now, were you excited because people are at home. They need something to watch. I wouldn't say excited because it's true,

but like my parents and all my parents' friends are at home, but they're not at home like in a fun way. Like they're in a home like in a scared way. And so for me, I would much rather have done the, done the press I had set up, done the promotion I had set up, all the marketing I had set up. Dude, I had such a fucking great plan.

I was going to do the Cosic to Work Show. I texted you about that, right? Cosic to Work Show yesterday, St. Patty's Day. Doors open at 10, show starts at 11, me, Bill Burr, Jim, Jeffrey, Sebastian, Manus, Calco, you, Delia, Tom, Segura, the list goes on. Joe Coy, everyone, right? Didn't release the names on the tickets.

Just send it out to my fans on my phone number, 323-208-0844. Send it out to them, said, get tickets. Sold out immediately. Do a live podcast in the OR. Tiger Belly, oh my God, who wouldn't see that live. Me and Bill Burr, live in the OR. We had all this shit planned and then they called it.

They called it. And by the way, now this is the inside baseball part, this is where my brain works. David Spade, Norm MacDonald, coming by. Stop by for the Cosic to Work Show. Oh, David was touching go. But my plan was, this is where my brain works. You throw in this Cosic to Work Show.

You split all the money with the comics. You don't need the money, right? Tip all the money out to all the comics. And then all you ask for all your friends is, yo, give me a shout out on your social media. And then you get in front of like 70 million people on Instagram, fucking 20 million people, 100 million people on Twitter that'll go,

hey, check out my boy Burr Chrysler. He's got a special streaming. That's my marketing. Coronavirus, I did not fucking. It took you, whatever. Do you feel like slighted? Do you feel taken advantage of? No, I'm cool.

Do you feel like Coronavirus is, are you really 100% sold on it? Yeah, here's what they just came out today. And they said like blood type O doesn't get it. Like you just, you don't, you may get it. You may be a carrier, but you don't feel it. That's some, by the way, news is always changing. I'm not a fucking doctor.

Right. But, but yeah, I mean. Who said it, Dr. Gupta? That guy always trips me out, bro. I can't, I wanna see the horse side of Sanjay Gupta. Cause you know he was one of the five doctors going, hey man, can you get me on your TV show? Can you get me on your TV show?

But he always seems cool and collected, like, you know. He's such a thought, bro. He's such a fucking, I know he's such a thought. He was hip Indian way before hip Indians. Yeah. A dude Sanjay Gupta was probably the first famous Indian guy. Bro, how easy is it to be a hip Indian though? It's like the, it feels like the easiest thing to do.

No, it's gotta be hard. Cause your parents don't want you to be hip Indians. Oh no, there you go. Okay. So like Russell Peters, hip Indian. Yeah. MIA, hip Indian. This guy named Shonk that I know.

This guy that used to go to UCLA, dude is hip, bro. He wears like four pairs of sunglasses, man. He's fucking hip. Pulls out his wiener sunglasses on it. Yeah. So the thing about Indians, you don't know, stereotype that they don't get out there, big dicks. No.

Really big dicks. Russell Peters told me. Well, I guess that's probably like a, I guess I'm taking it from the guy. Yeah, dude. You gotta learn. He's like, I don't know if you know this about Indians. They got big dicks.

And you're like, shut up. Are you serious? Bro, everybody's starting to get on this big dick train. I feel like. You know big dicks used to be, that was a way to oppress minorities. Is to say, they did it with the Jews first. The, I don't know if this is a hundred percent true.

Yeah, don't worry dude. This whole podcast has gone that direction already. So I think we're safe too. The Egyptians said it about the Jews. They have big dicks. I don't know if you've seen the Artie Shafir's dick. It's fucking massive. Uh-uh.

He's got a big fucking. Really? A really big dick. But also he looks like he would have a dick that doesn't look right. It doesn't. Yeah. It doesn't and his balls look weird.

Yeah, like sometimes. Yeah, dude. Oh, so yeah. If I'm in. Imagine fucking Artie Shafir. You think his dick's long or it looks like it's trying to get off of his body. Cause that's two totally different things.

He's got dick that goes right off the body. Like his dick is right off the body. My dick's got body around it, like pushing it back. Yeah. So like. Okay. Wow. That's interesting.

Yeah. Like your dick's almost being held back by the sides of it. It's got it's got pubis going like crowding it. Like, like it's his boys going like, oh yeah. Come on man. Get him.

Get him. And hair and everything. Like, come on man. Get back in here. No, no, no, no. My, my body looks like it's stopping my dick from a fuck. Oh, man, dude.

No, no, no. Hold him back, man. Hold him back, bro. Oh, why the fuck? Where was that fucking joke? God damn it. Here I did something. That's good, man.

You could use it next time, man. I'm using it. Dude, my dick definitely has a little. Oh, you have a big dick. I've already heard. Really? Yeah. Who told you that?

I don't know. You know. Not a man. I know. Or mutual friends. Who, dude? Tom and Bill? No, no.

Oh my God. Look at all his dick right there. That is. And by the way, that's not fluffing. Like that's unprepared. That's just straight street dick. He has such a holocaust body, doesn't he? Kind of like.

But Jack holocaust. His dad was in the holocaust. Was he really? Oh man, I'm sorry then. Just for vacation though. Oh, I can see that, dude. Ari's when Ari, after Ari drugged me, I just said, I don't blame Ari, I blame Hitler.

For the drugging? Yeah, because Hitler did that shit to his dad. And you know his dad probably won the greatest dad. And then he turned into Ari. So ultimately it all falls on Hitler's shoulders. It all goes back, man. That's the thing, you have to stop the cycle. Yeah.

You gotta stop the cycle of hate. You gotta stop the cycle of trouble. It's always a cycle, you know? Someone always learned it from somebody else. Oh. Learned the dirty behaviors, you know? The M word, first time I ever heard the M word, I was at, I was in first grade

and these black kids came into our neighborhood. We live in like a poor white neighborhood and there was a poor black neighborhood like across Nebraska, or not Nebraska, I forget. Well dude, that's pretty far then. If you're thinking. No, no, no, no, that was the street name. Oh, right on, bro.

Yeah. So. Like, damn, this dude did not live by black people. If you said they fucking lived a state away. So they were like, wow. They were in Nebraska and we were in Florida and it was scary, man. I gotta be honest with you.

It was touching going times. Yeah, dude, definitely. I mean, we heard stories. Oh yeah, the rumor mill. I saw a note in a bottle one time in the river. It was crazy. Watch out for the blacks. They're coming and then you look over your shoulder real quick.

Yeah. That's crazy, man. Oh, the N word? Somebody said it? So these black kids lived across this main street from us and then they came into our neighborhood, I guess, and stole my football. My football, I had a Duke Jr.

with a shoelace, a tan shoelace as the strings we used to play in the street. So the string for the shoelace ripped. My dad replaced it with a tan shoelace. It was very distinguishable and a little part, we couldn't tie it, so there was a little part of the shoelace sticking out. So they came into our neighborhood

and they asked if they wanted to play us a football and they had my football. And these two brothers, Darryl and Darren, like, yo, they must, I mean, when I remember this story, I feel like they were 18, 17. They were probably just like 10 and 11. And I was six and they were like, yo, that's his football.

And they're like, no, this is his football. This little, other little black kid. And they're like, fight him for it. And I was like, I had first grade, I was not fighting anyone. I was wearing a loincloth and knee-high moccasins. Oh, yeah. And so.

Darryl's fighting his sexuality, bro, at that time. My dad's like, get him some knee pads. He's gonna be sucking dick. So, so, so. And he's gonna need knee pads to do it with a pussy. That's the crazy part, man. What about the good old days, man? When you was sucking with no-

Skin your knees and you suck a dick. Be a man of outing. Yeah, bro, support the union. You freak. What kind of gay guy puts on knee pads? Suck a dick like a man, man. A backup gay, dude. You mind if I pull my socks up?

Dude, that's hilarious, you mind if I pull my pants down for some cushioning on my knees? Oh, fuck. Mind if I take my shirt off and just tie it around both of my knees? Hey, is it cool if I take my shoes off and put my knees in my insoles? Like, damn, dude. I don't even think you shouldn't even be gay, little guy. By the way, anyone who does that, you're like, this is your first time sucking dick. You can do this a lot.

Just sitting on your fit and kneeling on your fingers. Bro, actually, if you had to blow some, dude, that's not a bad... Like, I would go through all of those things before... You got to have some ways to get out of it. I've gotten down on my wife on the side of the bed with my knees on the wood floors. Grab a pillow, put them under your knees. But anyway, so these black kids come in the neighborhood and they fight this kid. I was like, I've never been in a fist fight.

I want to be in a fist fight. And then Daryl and Darren looked at me like, are we going to have to do this for you? In my head, I was like, give them the fucking ball. I don't care. My dad already bought me a new one. And then they got in a fight. They get into a fight. Daryl fights one of the dudes with Darren.

One of the younger one fights a black dude. And it's like five black kids and then seven white kids or eight white kids. More white kids because they're in a neighborhood. And the dad comes out and the dad starts chanting, fight, fight. And we're in a fight. White don't win. We all jump in. And I am...

And then he's hitting me. It's your ball, motherfucker. Chan it! Chan it! And here I am, just some first grader in a loincloth and knee-high moccasins, just fight, fight. And then I said the word in front of my dad and it was fucking over. Really? Oh, it was during a box.

Your dad fought him? No, no, no. My dad took me down to their fucking house, walked me down, stood in the fucking thing. I said, don't ever talk to my son. Don't ever. I told my dad everything that happened. They stole my ball. That's what he asked me to say.

Don't ever talk to my son. And we moved out of that neighborhood month later. Month later, we were out of that fucking neighborhood. Because people were using the N word? Oh, that was the least of it. That was the least of it. We let the kid on fire. I mean, it was, we let this kid on fire, John.

And he had to hit a thing, a tub, like a margarine bowl of gasoline. And there's this abandoned house that these people left in. They're always just, why do people leave it in an abandoned house by children? Dude, they were the funnest. Especially, do you ever break into an abandoned house when you're a kid? Oh, yeah. Dude, there was an Asian couple that my friend's parents were watching their house. They had like a dog or a cat or whatever.

He was like, you want to go in and see their house? And this is like 19, this has got to be 1970, 79, 78. Like no one knew, no one, I mean, not no one, but I'm saying like no one in Florida knew Asians then. Yeah. And we went in. Oh, yeah. Things were like, things were like turquoise, walls were like turquoise blue with big Buddha statues. And like everything was just different.

It smelled different. Swords. Like a, I remember like a samurai in the corner and he was like, oh, big feathers coming out of vases. Yeah. And you were like, whoa. People were talking to you from behind fans. They had a dog. They had a dog.

Right. So then, so then this kid one day goes same house. He goes, yo, I want to go swim. I say the pool. And I was like, yeah, we're in first grade. My mom had a station wagon. She drops him off first, comes out, drops me off and he goes, meet me back in my house with, with your swimsuit suit.

I'll go back. I'll get us in our backyard. They had a Doberman pincher. Oh, yeah. They don't have that many of those anymore. No one's got a Doberman pincher. You know what it is? I talked about my special, but it's pure breads.

Pure breads are, they're all fucking dying out. Oh, yeah. They got like a dober doodle or something like that. They had to, they had to mix them because the pure breads were getting all these fucking problems in their body because they were breeding, but like overbreeding. It's, you know, same thing as Hitler. Hitler won the war. Blanchik's been walking around with hip dysplasia.

Really? Yeah. Yeah. I have dysplasia. And it's in a special. You like that joke. Nice. I have dysplasia.

In your hips. Yep. Brodie Stevens. Like an Australian shepherd. Brodie Stevens had dysplasia. Really? I walked for a couple of miles. It gets bad.

Really? Yeah. Just like I kind of get that shake, you know? I think it's cute, but it hurts a little bit. Yeah. But yeah. But anyway, enough about me, man. But yeah, the N word, man, it'll fly out of you.

That's why I, I, a long time ago, I used to have a joke where I said, I don't say the N word because I care about people. I don't say it because if you get, if your tongue gets used to it, if you say it a bunch behind doors or whatever, and they feel, you feel comfortable saying it. One night you'll get drunk and your tongue, it'll slip out of your mouth and you'll be in the wrong fucking place. My dog. I don't say it first.

That's my rule, dude. You don't say it first? No, I never say it first. You gotta, somebody else has to say it, bro. If someone says it, you go, if someone says it, you go, all right, we're good. We're good. I'm just saying, you can't ever be the first to say it first, bro. That's crazy.

That's crazy, man. I think a lot of stuff where you can't use, like, yeah, you can't use the word, right? Like I get it, but I think also, like, I think some, oh, I can't remember what I was going to say, man. Yeah, you just don't use the word anymore. I think the only place that still really uses it is mostly music these days. I don't hear people say it anymore. I don't hear anyone say it.

I mean, I heard white people say it growing up in the South. I mean, all of us that grew up in the South heard it. And heard white people use it out of McDonald's or some shit, and there was no cameras around, so no one got outraged. But yeah, the only place you really hear is music. I mean, my bus driver's black, so I hear it all the fucking time. Oh, yeah. Yeah, but it's like, I told the girls one time, the girls were in the car and they were, they

go, dad, you want to hear a joke? And I was like, yeah. So they tell me the joke and they're like, duh, duh, duh, duh. And then the punchline, they're like, he's a midget. And I was like, hey, guys, you can't say that word. And they're like, why? I go, because it's like a bad word, and they're like, no, it's not. And I go, no, it is.

And they're like, no, we're just describing a person. I go, I understand that. But you can't say it, because if you say that word and someone's, you know, a little person, they hear it, it might hurt their feelings. And my daughters look to me and they're like, they're not in the car, dad, it's just us. And I was like, yeah, you'd think it would work that way. It doesn't. And then Brad Williams came to my house and I was like, I'd go bring the girls in the

man cave. I go, hey, why don't you tell Brad that joke? And they lit up like, what the fuck are you doing? Wow, calling you, yeah, like putting them on the spot. Yeah, dude, I remember, they had, I remember fishing with a black buddy of mine named Devin, and he went to jail actually for murder or alleged murder. But we were fishing and some kids were up on the, like on this railroad track, like up up this, up this embankment from this river.

And they started throwing rocks and calling us the N word, right? And I'm like, not me. You kind of back to the back of the boat. I think they're talking to you, Desmond. Yeah, I do. Yeah, like, bro, you're aiming horrible, you're hitting both of us, but I remember that was scary, man. I mean, yeah, you definitely had some people that like, I mean, I think racism is just

kind of like, I mean, it's just definitely like, how crazy it would be if coronavirus if black people couldn't get coronavirus. Someone said that they can't, but then Idris Elba got it. I know. Somebody said gay man can't get it. There's a lot of information going around. Gay man can't get it. That's what I heard.

But then I think Siegfried Arroy got it. Can you see that magician gets Corona or a ledge magician? Why wouldn't they just go, ta-da, I don't have it anymore. Siegfried Arroy got Corona. They're dead, man. If they get Corona, they're dead. Yeah. Magician gets Corona.

See any guy who was aging magician. Yeah. Is that his thing? He's the aging magician. He's like, oh, my leg hurts so bad, oh, shit, a dove came out of it. He just stands there on stage and he's like, I'm aging. We can all do that. Look at this, look at this, I just got older, ta-da.

When I was growing up, you knew not to say the N word, if somebody beat your ass, that's how you knew. You know what I'm saying? Like that was the litmus. It was like, that's how you learned about it. It was like, oh, somebody said it, somebody got their ass beat and then that was it. It's so funny, man. I never heard it.

Like, I mean, I heard it when we lived in that neighborhood and then I never heard it in our new neighborhood. I never heard it. And then I never, I never heard it. I heard it a little bit in high school, but it was, we had a black friend, Kari Brown, and all the kids that grew up with him would drop the word, but as a, like, not derogatory just as like a joke. If it was the, like in a Louis CK way, if it was the punchline of a joke, meaning towards

Kari or, but very lighthearted and they were like guys that he grew up with his whole life. And then I heard a lot in college. I heard it fucking. Well, I went to Florida State and we were segregated. It was like FAMU in Florida State. So I heard it a lot in college. FAMU was more black college? A hundred percent.

Yeah. And I used to drive the black chicks. They'd call. They always lived in one dorm. It's so funny. I ran into this woman the other day who went, a black chick my age, went to Florida State and I said, Hey, did you ever take safe escort? That's what I was.

I was. I drive them around campus and like a K car. Do you remember a K car? Pull up a K car. Can you? It was like the fucking biggest beater you could ever have. Yeah. I think it's called a K car or a Q car.

It's like a old. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That was it.

Oh, yeah. Renalt. That's a, that's a Renault, isn't it? Yeah. That was a, that was a, but it was white. And so, and then they would, what would happen is you knew if the black chicks called on a Saturday night, cause you, it was just taking people to the libraries where you're supposed to go.

Okay. But if the black chicks called on a Saturday night, you knew they wanted to go to FAMU from Florida State. Okay. And we weren't allowed to drive to FAMU, but once they got in the car, you had to take them wherever they went. So what would happen is they go, they go, we have a pickup at Devaney Hall, based on one of them and I have a pickup at Devaney Hall.

Her name's Laquisha and you go, okay, you'd be like, is it, how many passengers are like just one? That's what they say. And so you'd pull up and then she'd like wave to you and you go, Hey, and as she wave, they'd pile in the other side of the car and they go, we're going to FAMU, bitch. I loved it though, because I, because I love hip hop. So I would just talk hip hop with them the entire time. I learned about Wu-Tang Clan that way.

I bought the Method Man album through them. I learned about a Swabhouse, MJG and eight ball. It was like, it was like the funnest for me because I loved hip hop. Oh yeah. And so we would just, I'd be like, what are you guys listening to? And I was driving them for like fucking 20 minutes. So we, Now we're listening to what?

There was no player. And there was no player in there. Sometimes they'd have, And we all wearing seatbelts and everything. No, there'd be so many people. I was back with, you know, seatbelts were like, People don't even die back then, dude. Who wore seatbelts?

I see my kids putting on seatbelts. I'm like, what are you guys, need knee pads for blow jobs? What do you got to put your shoes in your knees and your A six for you blow a guy? Get out your inserts. Yeah. That's crazy, man. Yeah. Time we're just, I don't know if, yeah, I don't know, man.

I guess they had like, I didn't, I don't know if I felt like I saw a lot of racism. I never hung out in like a redneck type of area. Like I felt like there was more, there was also a lot of racism, but from black to white too. Like black kids weren't like, Hey, like us, you know, there was a lot of like anger. It's funny. You always have anger from like previous generations. Like always, it's always like the shit's always so misdirected.

You know, I feel like it's like. I told a story in one of my specials about my first throw and comfortably dumb about the, one of the first fight, like full blown, not fight, I say fights. Like in high school, there were fights where it was a big fight and you stood on the outside and waited to sucker punch someone. And then there were fights where you got sucker punched or hit with something. I got punched one time. Yep.

Dude, I got hit with a fucking, some dude hit me with a bunch of encyclopedias, literally one, A, B, C dude. And by the time you got to Ibra fucking gave up, you're like, I got, I get it, man. Yeah. Elephants come from human. I know how this ends, man. I know this is. I know anything about ant eaters, R barks, bees, caterpillars.

I'm done, man. The first fight I was in where it was like squared up one on one, bro, that is a. Who was the guy? His name is Donovan. Donovan. White guy, black dude, straight state wrestling champ. You know, you know, you know, my couch, right? My couch, I found him.

He still lives in Tampa. Wow. I found him on the, on my spaces, how long ago that was found him and found his daughter and said, we'd love to have you come in studio and corroborate this story. And he was like, how much and cowards like nothing, I'd rather just hear the good story. So I haven't, I haven't heard from this guy. He had an I rock, right? With the string shirts, he would shake his fucking I rock, like to warm up for a fight.

Just shake it back. Got a sexy. Big wheels on the back. So he gets in a fight with this guy, these guys names Mario, I think I'm not sure I can't remember. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

He gets in a fight with this guy Mario and there's a bunch of black dudes around and I run in to see that. I want to watch the fight. Right. And I peeked my head in and the second I peeked my head in, Mario is unconscious. He knocked him out clean and he's holding his hair and as soon as I put my head in, they go, here's another one. Get him.

Donovan. And they pushed me in and now it looks like I'm on his team. It's the X. We're wearing the way. That's the worst about people outside of a fight. All they want is more fighting. More fighting. Get him.

He wants. Get him. And bro, squaring up to a dude and I'd never squared up. I had never, like I was just trying to apologize and then I realized, oh, he was just going to beat me up. He's squaring up to worst. Especially if you've never done it. Which foot do you put first?

Left. Left. Left. Left. Left. Left. Left. Left.

Left. Left. Left. Left. Left. Left. Left. Left.

Left. Left. Left. Left. Left. Left. Right. Left.

I drove us all down there and the practice day the practice day that we had And for those who don't know it was a show in Comedy Central that was It was a great great show to be on it was a lot of fun. It's a big payday It was cool not big wasn't big payday with big payday for back payday for you though Yeah, big payday for they fucked up. It was it was I'm gonna say this number is the wrong number But it was in my memory. It was like $8,000 an episode. Yeah, and but and so all of us looked at it more like It's a ten at order episode officer like we're getting 80 fucking grand and the winner gets like quarter of a million dollars

Whatever or a hundred thousand dollars. Yeah, and then we got there the first day and realized Oh, if you get kicked off, you don't get a grand. Yeah, and it came cut through it became cut there So only episodes you were on you got eight grand for each episode you were on I remember so somebody got kicked off me You read I tell this story every time I saw red gran a week ago really in Baltimore. Yeah, he I think I saw the picture He came up to my show. Yeah, it's really cool. It's great to see him. Oh, I just hung up with him in Donnell I did an episode of something's burning with them and we ended up smoking weed just bullshit Oh, that's awesome. Um the first day the very first day we're sitting at that mansion outside and then see no It's me you read Grant Donnell Rollins on the step

If I'm not mistaken and Kyle Cease came up and he had the hat that said Week one he had a hat made out for every week week one week two week three week four and he's with Chris Fairbanks Yeah, and he goes and Donnell goes. Yes, son. That's right. You are the week one and we all start laughing and Kyle goes I I think I think it's spelled different. He goes. No, no son. You should have a hat that just says weak And then Kyle goes Donnell. I think it's I think it's spelled differently And he goes not my neighborhood and then Kyle walks away. I go Chris and he just goes he goes I think I'm next and just walked away Dude Donnell was so funny

You me you read Grant got naked in the bathtub with Lunel. Oh, yeah, you remember that? Yeah, yeah, like I got full-blown naked Yeah, you always did I got full-blown naked I got full-blown naked dick against the glass and the president Lauren Correa was in at that shooting president comedy central And it's what happened is me you and me you and reg get a passage to the next round and they go your reward as you get to shower and bathe with Lunel and so we're like Oh, fuck it. We don't care. Yeah, and so we go in and she's small. I think they gave a small body I think they gave us cocktails. We were drinking before that. Yeah. Yeah, and she got us in there Yeah, pull picture Lunel. I ran in her by the way. I thought she hated me

I ran into her Montreal. Mm-hmm. She's got fucking wasted with her and had a blast. Oh, yeah She's fun. Everybody loves her and we got in the bathtub and Lunel goes I'm taking off my drawers or whatever. Oh, yeah pulls her bathing suit bottoms off Oh, yeah, I'm out and I was like fuck it. I'm in so I take mine off red takes his off You take yours off and then she stands up and she's still got them on she had two pairs Praise God, man. Those are the good old days. That was a fuck think about how long ago that was It sure was fun. When year was that go back to that information if you don't mind it Uh, 1994

Derived from 1994 2008 Wow, I got a special right after that 2008 2008 Wow Someone wait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa. Keep up who got voted off when Someone sent me a zip drive that has all the episodes to I haven't done a drive someplace if either of you want that I would love to see that. That was when like look people I think a lot of people in this business take ownership But when they find when they feel like they discover someone they know like like there's a lot of agents to do that I will say without a doubt without a doubt me and Amy Schumer became the biggest Theo Vaughn fans in the fucking world Like I remember me and Amy looking at each other and being like you were

So funny and it was effortless. You weren't even trying to be funny. You were just so Fucking funny. I swear to God. I pay a hundred thousand dollars to have all the footage raw footage Oh, yeah, my own show of the outtakes because there were times where you leave Michael Ian Black just like Huh, and we were not crying laughing. He was like a white supremacist. I felt like his way dressed I remember we go this is that we were all talking and we go So what do you hope this show gets you what do you hope this show gets you hope you love to get a special Love you get 30 minutes. I love to get on premium plan and we like what about you Michael and he goes a new basement And we're like what he goes. That's the only reason I'm doing this show. I need a new basement. We're like cool

Yeah, he always had this white supremacist about he just looked too white like bro white down a little you know Really bring up a picture of him He does look he does have a vibe of like like like the bad guy in a Harry Potter movie Michael Ian Black That's not him Yeah, he has last night. Did he yeah, he texted me last night. He was so funny. Yeah, definitely I'll see if I can see the text. He literally just texted me last always turn my fucking phone off There he is right there. He definitely looks like he would be given a speech about hey You know

Here's white women vote. He looks like he doesn't blink his eyes at night Look at him in the CK. What's that one? Michael Ian Black defends Louis CK. Oh, that's kind of cool MIB is a cool dude, man. I love I love him dude. He's one of a kind for sure. He really is man By the way, he's always been sweet like ever since we met him He's a ball buster kind of like that's his angle of comedy, but he's always been very sweet guy I remember we connected because both our wives are older than us and I really yeah Yeah, and his wife's older than him and my wife's I think me at MIB or the same age

And uh And did you ever see his tv show the state? Yeah? Oh, bro. Oh, I want to dip my balls in it. That was the best dude. How great was that? It was the greatest fucking show. I feel like I feel like what I'm hearing is you don't like the tacos No, I love the tacos. In fact, they're the best tacos I've ever had Dude that that show was so fucking great. Did you ever see a thousand pounds of pudding? Uh Oh, yeah

Oh, dude, I could watch that show. That was one of my favorite shows. I was the first time I really got comedy Wow Put type in no type in putting the state Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, there you go. That was I think it was $240 worth. I'm sorry. That's what a thousand every time I tell stories to look bigger Oh, yeah, oh, yeah It's that time, you know, it's that time. I'm the bomb and I'm very Sagittarius and it's time It's time for 200 and 40 dollars worth of pudding worth of pudding. Oh, yeah, mr. Busce. Come on in here

Let's get a shot of this. But wait, they were like We had the 240 we had to have to put it There were kids that we could have bought a hundred dollars with a pudding and that would have been A lot of pudding. Oh, yeah, that's Thomas Levin. We had to go all the way baby all the way home With 200 and 40 dollars with the food for worth of pudding Oh, yeah, no, I know what you're thinking. Mary in the bone. Where did you get 200 and 40 dollars? Don't worry you're for a little hit about a baby and you're concerned Now if you excuse me, I got to whisper some sweet nonsense. It's putting I'll just be over here minding my own

They were chill This is like the silliest shit. Yes, we were in college. We were college Spoken weed watching this We used to go to parties and go Yeah, we did like here's I want to dip my balls in it. No, I don't want it. I can't I can't does anyone have some orange juice I've got some orange juice. I want to dip my balls in it That guy kemerino. Yeah, you ever run into you ever run into people like you are fans of as a kid that are fans of yours Oh, uh, I run into this lady from in the heat of the night. Can you bring up a picture of that show actually?

Um, she played out thea tibs. You ever see in the heat of the night? Is that with the guy from uh, archie bunker? Yep, carol o'connor. Yeah, very right near my apartment out thea tibs right there. Oh, I know out thea tibs Wait out thea tibs been in a lot of shit. Yeah Wait, what did you mean out thea tibs? Uh, can we get to her wiki? Maybe? Um Yeah, that's her amory johnson She's living in los angeles. Yeah, I met her. She's seeing a man

She's seeing a man But when I saw I saw her a couple times at different restaurants I accosted her mildly outside of the uh credit union out the side of the sag after credit union Just a huge fan. You look at all the stuff. She's been in million things. Oh my god, dude. She's still working She's worked forever, but yeah, she looked great and I just told her I say hey I'm just such the biggest fan. She started working before I was born. That's crazy Wow matlock Matlock was so good

Man, you talk about like the me too and all the fucking racism and fucking sexism in hollywood imagine the shit She had to deal with start and I bet she'd appreciate the fact that we at least knowledge it she started in 1971 1972 to 76 she was on matlock police Mm-hmm. I was I was I was when I was born and then go different strokes She was on different. I guarantee you she dated willis. Oh, yeah, I guarantee it. I met I met arnold one time You did from hey arnold. No. No arnold. No from arnold who palm not on arnold palmer No arnold from different strokes arnold wasn't that name willis. No the little one. Oh, um Gary gulman

No, gary gulman gary gulman gary gulman gary gulman. Yeah, he died Gary gulman died gary gulman. Oh Yeah, no gary gulman is teaching people how to fucking Be comedians over a daily tweet That's right. That was 2019 Sometimes I see his advice and I'm like, I don't think I'm doing comedy rights. I'm not writing at all Tag it nine different ways. I tag it once and it's good to go Oh, I don't know what that. Yeah, that's I met I met gary gulman gary gulman. I met gary gulman

Gary gulman died. Will you look that up, please? Nick? Yeah, he did. It was a kidney failure Oh, he really did because he had the Little little guys get kidney problems. So I think that's how many me died. I think that's how tattoo tattoo died He's a beautiful young man too from uh, he died in utah at 42 Oh my god You know, they gave him a lot of grief towards the end of his life. Remember all that they put him in a show called Midgets versus mascots at one point. Remember that? Can you imagine the michigan state trojan fighting a couple of midgets off outside of a bakery or whatever?

Wherever they shot it. Look at this Midgets, I love how hollywood acts like like regular people are the problem when they're doing shows called midgets Midgets versus mascots. Here's my question. Who at the university of michigan was like, yeah, yeah, I think that's a good look for our school. Let's have a meet and shoot. But what are you gonna do if a bunch of little people show up and say, hey, this is the show we want You the only you have to be supportive What do you do? No, you think the midgets Why would they pick someone they definitely can't beat? How do I get midgets versus mascots? I gotta see this. Oh, man

Wait, it's got any pippins in it. Ron Jeremy. Jason muse. Yeah, I think they put spet. They put regular uh Hided people into the um Mascottery and in the uniforms. Oh my god. I will definitely watch midgets versus mascots. Um, yeah, that's wild man Can you believe that that they have that kind of stuff, dude? Do you think uh? Do you think that there's gonna be that we'll be able to get back to regular humor after this coronavirus thing? I think I think it's going harder. I think we're gonna go harder in the paint Yeah, because yeah, because right like I'll tell you right now when this special when we were editing this special I have uh

Who is she she got a question for us actually when we'll get right into that about your statement Let's get this question real quick right here from ali semi related what you guys talking about. Okay Do you feel hey britt? This is ali from megafoss canada calling turn it up man question for britt When are you there's any topic that is off limits or off the table regarding your daughters or your wife? um In your company, uh, keep doing what you're doing guys. Thank you for everything Gang mom she's beautiful beautiful lady right there Um, I'm always shocked when you see a pretty person that has seen your stand up and you're like you saw me

Yeah, like I get it if you're like 280 pounds. You got a beard. You're troubled. Yeah. Yeah, and you're like, dude You've got some hard times. I go. I got you man. We all go through those hard times. Yeah, but man when you see her you're like, huh Uh, what happened? Um, there's nothing off them. There's only been one subject that Ila asked me not to talk about But like I talked about her period. I like getting her period in the special Um, they're pretty cool with it. Although I gotta be honest with you. I don't know You don't know the long-term effects of it. I don't I wish I did You know, I mean not in a bad way, but you don't it's like I don't and it's it's dad's gone. He's a comedian

You know saying he's dry. He's fine around the country telling people about my period. I don't I don't I I don't I can't imagine it's gonna be awesome Like I you know, you don't put any thought into it. Here's how it works. Is that like right? So I'm on the road with at the time. It's me So girl and Ian bag are doing Irvine and Brea every Tuesday every Tuesday Wednesday, right? We're just banging out Tuesday Wednesday Tuesday Wednesday Not on Terry just Irvine and Brea Me and skirt driving out and then one day you tell a joke the first joke I wrote about the girls was um,

Ila was a baby and she had uh, she they woke up early in the morning I go downstairs. I hear my baby mother go downstairs. I'm like, what's going on? No, why are you laughing? George is in a rocket chair. Ila's naked and George is like dad You gotta see baby Ila's new trick the dogs in between them like I don't fucking know And I go, what is it? She goes, I don't want to spoil it for you. Ila show dad and Ila Takes her finger shoves it up her ass and puts it in the dog's mouth. Oh, that's the first joke I wrote about my daughter's and it and it the jolly rock sir We call the happy nazi

And so I go and so I tell that story on stage and both the in and tom are like bro. That's like that's That's legit funny. It's not a kid joke. That's just a funny fucking joke Like we don't have kids and we still like it and that was where I felt the switch And so then no then Ila's maybe two or three George's four or five You start writing jokes about your kids and they're definitely not seeing it. They're not seeing it at all and then I do The machine and I put all those stories I have in about the girls and it starts to work like people start to relate to it I do secret time and that's when they were like

they were like hey Like uh, like kind of curious like what do you say about us? And I was like, uh, it's not a big deal This one they were like, you know run everything past us first And so I had to run the period joke past Ila and she was wow Did you sit down and talk to her about it? I told her what I put it Here's what you know me man. I put her on fucking instagram stories the day it happened So the day it happened she gets her period. She wants to throw a period party. Do they do that now? Oh Yeah, it's big time. What?

Oh Yeah, a period party. I told part of the story on Conan and it went viral I told just a part of the story on conan and it got 20 million views immediately So like she got she's like I mean I want to ruin it watch this special But she I get I get all the stuff for the period party. I dress in red like what like fucking red velvet cake Fuck yeah, dude. That's what I said. That's what I said Dude, you're gonna love dude. You'll love this bit. You'll love this bit. But my point is I put it all on instagram stories that night Because I'm laughing. I'm dying laughing

And then I get in bed that night. She comes in. She's like, hey big boy I need you to take that down and I go what I go baby. It's it's it's fine. I think it's cool She goes, yeah, I know I don't mind people knowing I threw a period party But I don't want kids in my school knowing I have my period. Yeah, and I went. Oh, okay That makes sense. So I pulled all down and then I go to Louisville that next weekend and I talk about it I've tried on stage and just that just that reaction you just had is the whole room's having it But the weird part, you know me. I'm a meathead. I'm like a fucking mouth breather Is women are connecting with it going like cheering for isla which I think

So then I work it out a little bit. I talk to isla about it And I was like, hey, I want to do a part of that story on conan and she's like She goes why I go. I think it's good. I think it's a good thing I think the thing that you're doing is going to be good for little girls and other little girls will see it And if the trauma that George when George I had her period She was a fucking nightmare and I said the trauma George went through you can help them avoid that Because isla didn't want to go through what George went through. So she just circumnavigated and went I'm going to celebrate this moment, right? And so I told her on conan. She watched it. She was cool with it

But then the next day my email gets flooded with little girls emailing me Like their parents their little parents are emailing me from their daughters Like this my daughter wants you just wants you to read this and letters coming into my manager Like hey, I was really scared about getting my period. I've been really nervous about it But I saw your dad's story. Thank you for letting him tell it And then an isla named her period and they go and by the way, we just welcome daryl to our family Wow, and so it was so like I don't I don't have any limits like I'll talk about fucking anything Whether or not it goes into a special is like another thing because I got her. I got to run it by them

Damn like and I know it's getting it's getting touchy for georgia. Yeah, because they're yeah, I could imagine but yeah I could imagine that that's a lot going on. She's 15 and when she starts fucking up and you want to talk about it You know, she's gonna be like can you imagine if you're if all your fuckups? Oh, I couldn't yeah, and so it's I don't know man I I will see who knows maybe I won't make it out of this coronavirus and that's the end of my stand up Today's episode is brought to you by my bookie I'm sure a lot of you gamblers and money snake men are out there Being wild and trying to think of something to do having to bet on things in the yard

Oh bet if little Daryl will catch that uh acorn bet on uh, you know little um Um, serve a style see if he can uh do a back flip Kenny. Who knows? And so a lot of you guys are chomping at the bit to be betting again and wagering and making wagers And that's why my bookie will be ready for all your betting needs as soon as sports get back up and running Quit betting on if your mom's perm is gonna hold and head on over to my bookie dot ag D and use our promo code Theo to get half of your initial deposit in free wagers

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teo and start winning today Yeah, it'd be interesting. Here's a white guy right here with something to say. Yep What's up, Theo? What's up bird? This is Logan from Sarasota, Florida My question for bird is how excited are you for all that new material you're going to get for being quarantined with both your daughters? It's going to be hilarious and then my question for both you guys is Do you ever go back and watch your old netflix specials and try to build off that for your upcoming shows? It's a great gang gang. That's a great question. It is a good question, man Oh, the first part he asked us for you. Yeah, I'm uh, it's only been two days. So I'm not super excited yet

I uh, yeah, I it's funny you start picking out little things that you I mean, you know that like There'll be something that happens where you go. That's not it, but this may be a part of it Right and so like right now Isla is uh obsessed with puns So anything you say to where she replies in a pun I guess there's just some guy on the internet who does puns and so she loves puns Grip lists is a guy named grip lists. That's an artist you can bring him up But yeah, there's really good ones. But uh, but yeah, I don't know. Do you when you prepare for a special?

Do you watch previous specials? I haven't honestly, I've never watched my old special. Um, You know, I saw it whenever we're editing it and putting it together. I I wasn't really I wasn't that super that That stoked about it, but I loved it. You did. I loved it. I watched it on the foot of my bed Oh, and when before we changed our house around I remember exactly where I was I put turned it on I watched it on the foot of my bed. I watched you getting ready for it too Like I remember seeing you getting ready for it the hollywood improv. Yeah. Yeah. I was excited. I think yeah I mean, I think that's just my head. You know, it's like you want everyone's head. Yeah, trust me. Sorry trust me. I did not I was

So like press has been very weird for this special And like because they just pulled all press. So there's no press. It's so crazy Yeah, and it's dude because did you have a lot of places to go this together? You were lined up to get I lined up across the board and then and then you know Everything happened and they just pull all press and I'm doing four podcasts. That's it for the whole special four fucking podcasts And so Well, thanks for coming in here. No, dude. Thank you. By the way, hold on You're one of the few people that didn't cancel on me a lot of podcasts cancelled. Really? Yeah, a lot of podcasts were like

No, we're not, you know, what can we push it like a week and just see what's happening? And I'm like, I'm like, man, unless someone's, you know, Unless you're showing any symptoms and by the way, everyone's been fucking quarantined the rules 10 or under It's 10 or under and they're being safe on that. It's three of us in a room. He's not even the same room No one's touched each other. So like me and Segura did a podcast this morning. Everyone's like look people are fucking working You can't not make a living or entertain people that are locked up in their houses. This is what we do for a living Yeah, totally. And if anything, this is a time to do it. This is a time to be like I'm doubling down on podcasts If I did have it, I'd come in and do it

I yeah, by the way, I wouldn't mind one of us just getting it and spreading it to all of us and going Hey guys, let's really bang these out. Now we're done. Let's start doing sets again. Yeah, just for the infected. Yeah. Now we're done Yeah affected only I wonder if at some point there will become a line where it's like the affected get to do stuff and the unaffected don't get to do It's like a herpes herpes website Where you're like, ah, man, if you don't herpes, don't party with us Dude, I thought if one day there was like a what if one day they come out with a drug where you can live forever, right? But only some people get it, you know, and some people don't and there's just gonna be that crazy like cutoff like

They're gonna decide like well, you're over 45. You're not even a views or you're over 60 You're not a views anymore. So you don't kind of do that already still So you don't get it but under 60 gets it and the government has it and it's like that's just gonna be this crazy Right where they draw the line and you gotta fucking pick it and there's nothing you can do and Marriage is repeat your wife would be two years three years older or whatever. She can't do it. Oh That's not a bad way to have a marriage. Hey, I mean, it's the law, you know What am I supposed to do my point is my point is To yours because I loved your special and you think in your head you didn't like it or you're afraid that people didn't like it or whatever

That's how I woke up. I woke up yesterday morning. St. Patty's day. I've got big fucking Yeah show planned and what happens when you do press for a special is it really gets your mind off of it? so these first few days when people are sending in tweets and and Instagrams and and you don't really look at it because you're busy working and promoting and texting and and You know hitting up friends. Hey, can you tweet about this? And so then you don't really realize it until I come friday and then by the way come friday Everyone's there for the weekend. It's it's your fans hitting you up. So you don't think about it. I woke up yesterday fucking panicked I mean, all you can remember are the jokes. You're not proud of

It's like it's like yes god damn it and then so true this morning was the first time I did any real legit press where I called into radio stations and they were like, oh man I love that joke you have about beating your wife with a mop and I'm like, oh That's a good joke or the I had a joke that I had a joke that uh went that they memed like it Oh, that's nice. I wrote it 18 months ago performed it filmed it november and then 50 cent put him put it on a meme and it was like And I didn't get any credit, but you know, it's a good joke when it gets memed Yeah, and so

But you don't think about those you think about the shit ones and so it's not until you get fucking text like From like sugar or cow head or like my friends that mean something. They go. Hey the secret time I thought that I I was so terrified that that special just sucked that just sucked that everyone was just being nice to me Because i'm a nice guy and people like me. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that happened to me, too You're just like, oh, everybody's just saying that because because like I watched it nine times. You're like, that's insane Nobody's ever done that. Someone's like I watched it back to back. You're like, no, you didn't but I appreciate you saying that I appreciate you making me feel better. Right. I remember I did a podcast with rogan and he goes he said

I mean you can find this clip and you can you can see the look on my face It's fucking genuine. He goes, hey man. I watched your special. It's fucking awesome. And I went really Like it's genuine like and I couldn't get past that I go. Wait, you you really watched it and he was like, yeah It was awesome. And I was like, hold on like I'm looking at like are you being serious like those compliments are like The weight like Tom Papa said man. I love your special a guy like Tom Papa says that and you're like his new special is good too Fucking awesome, man. It's awesome. It's clean. It's not like like mine. You can't watch with your family Yeah, but yeah, I have one what's one joke that you wish you could take out of a pass from that You're just like, oh, it was just it wasn't it's not me anymore or it just was too

if there is one I have um I don't like the way I named I titled my my first special Because it was back before clickbait was a thing But we knew what clickbait was but we didn't know What it was and it wasn't there was nothing really racist in it, but it was like let's talk about mexicans Let's talk about blacks like it just seems racist. Oh, yeah now see stuff some stuff does seem racist now I'll watch old clutching like oh man that seems kind of racist now But at the time it wasn't at all. It wasn't like

We've also gotten so fucking in hollywood have gotten so Sensitive on the way that things are like Sad yeah, and not the reality of them. Like I had a joke. I used to have a joke My closing joke was about uh getting blow jobs I forget how it went but I remember I remember someone explaining it to me like showing me from a woman's point of view How that's tablet aggressive and I just did not see it. I was like I was like I tried the sensitive approach No, I go I go you know what women hate when you grab them by the back of the head and strong arm them down I go you got to see the look on their face. They're like no

I go I tried the sensitive approach, you know sliding it in their mouth while they're sleeping just You're like you're dreaming you're dreaming you're snorkeling in the keys feel the fish bouncing off your chin So like I you those I remember this girl going like it sounds like you're raping your wife I go. Oh, no. No. I'm just fucking her asleep. She's like And I was like, yeah, oh, yeah, I guess. I guess that is a little insensitive But what are you gonna fuck? Yeah, but that was a different time you could fucking to sleep back then Yeah, you know it's called the old moccasin It was actually a lot of women were like, thank you for not waking me up to fuck me

I didn't even care. I guarantee you if my wife could find a way to fuck her while she slept She would take it. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying a lot of wives a lot of wives would consent in advance It's just saying yes, please. I had a joke and one of my specials about I took it out because it just didn't sound right. I maybe I didn't take it out I don't it might be a secret time I go you ever had sex with someone who didn't want to have sex with you not rape But like like ever fuck your wife when she doesn't want to fuck you and she's just like Hmm, and you're like you're not really into this. She's like, no, I don't want to be doing this at all

And you're like, huh? That sounds like rape and you're like, no, I'm just want to go to target and I don't want to deal with an asshole Yeah, I'm probably miss wording that joke, but I think I told that secret time. I don't know Yeah, I never had a wife, but I could imagine you get married I think I would like to is it really is it pretty cool? I love it. You do. I love it Yeah, you've always been a big proponent of it. Yeah, but I'm a big I was a better I was I'm a better married dude. I am single dude. Yeah, I could see that you need that real that net around you You need that support you need that when you go home. You got that love you got something going on

There's something fun. I can't I can't imagine. I mean, I look at like you and delia I know delia's now got kid, but like I look at you delia and like that group of guys who all kind of like Untethered and I go that must be nice to like go like I'm going on the road You know, I'm gonna stay on the road and then just go snow skiing and then go into another city Or I'm gonna do a movie and disappear for a month or or like or like in times like this where you go I don't have to worry about like Financially, I'm good for a couple years, you know, but I now as a as a parent and these happen you start worrying about your kids You start worrying about finances and you're like like I know I'm good

But like for how long and how long like if and by the way if shit goes sideways I still got to take care of I feel like say the economy never recovers never for like five years And like and no one goes to stand up. I don't really have any more fucking skill sets Right, but you could disappear and go bartend be the fucking funny bartender make a hundred thousand dollars a year, you know You know, yeah, man, you'd be way funnier bartender. I think Do any you'd be great But no, I think there's definitely like, uh, yeah, there's uh, it's definitely You start to see guys like Sebastian got married and started a family, you know, you start to see yeah, right

Aren't you see guys start to have kids and stuff. You're like, oh man, I guess I guess this is something I have to do if I want to do it, you know I just have to at some point I got to start to go down that road, you know, still time. Yeah Yeah You got to find the right chick. You got to find the right chicken. Yeah, that's another thing You don't want to find something up. You know, you don't want to find some fucking dust muppet out there You know copping grams when you're not around or doing shit like that stealing shit from you Have you had those? Have you had chicks like that in your life? I've had some chicks sell some of my shit, you know

When you were partying did you date like sketchy chicks? Uh, I've always kind of dated some of the real so a couple of real sketch balls My last girlfriend wasn't sketchy though. I don't know if I've made good girlfriend choices It's just like the messing around choices. You're like, oh, wait, what's the worst? I gotta get out of this. Don't tell me your name, but just tell me like the worst Um, let me think this I'm sure. Oh, oh, I know the worst dude. So there was a girl that um I don't know. She was the worst really but there was a girl who uh There was a girl who I had taken a bunch of stuff from a holiday in right

And uh, and this is back when holiday and put wrote holiday and on there like uh on the shower curtains and stuff in their showers She took the shower curtain and the soaps and everything. No, but I'd hooked up with her at her place And then I took all that stuff and redid her bathroom in it and put all holiday and shit in there But that had nothing to do with her. I think she was okay Uh There was and then I cheated on her. I guess I had nothing to do with her. I guess that was more me. Let me do another one Yeah, she was super sketched. There's one girl where I passed out her house. I'm pissing her hamper. That wasn't her but that was more me

You know trying to think I mean, I'm sure some oh, I remember one time hooking up with this young lady And she's like, oh you can bust right inside of me. You know and I'll immediately I maybe not want to even be around her I said just revolted me to my core that she was just You know just even like I'm not gonna You know ejaculate at all. That's my new thing is I don't bust man If I'm having sex we have sex for a little while. We go our separate ways. What do you do? Huh, what do you just I'll just ejaculate later by myself or all are all ejaculate, you know at a future time You weren't jerking off for a while, right? Yeah, I've been through some good phases, man

I've struggled recently, but I'm doing my best, you know, why how come I just don't like it man. Uh, oh and the girl goes. Yeah, you can bust inside of me. She goes I was like, I don't want to do all of that, you know, and she's like, oh, don't worry. I can't get pregnant I I don't even have any ovaries. That's what she yelled out of a fucking car window behind a fucking Uh, what's the place for you by printer ink and everything kinko's? No, no, no a little bit bigger than that Out the window of an office depot, I don't even got any ovaries Yeah, dude, I was like, I lost them in a billiards batch Yeah, yeah, I lost them in a skins game

I'm out of here Long story, I'll just say me and an octopus didn't get long Oh, so that still ruminates inside of me sometimes like it makes me sad, man It makes me sad that I were hooked up with that girl I did I did sketchy chicks, but never I never fucked them. I was always weird about fucking chicks. Oh, yeah, dude Same man. I was for a while. I wasn't even good at sex at all, man. I'm still never I've never been good at it I'm not good at it. Oh, I'm not good at that's why I'm terrifying a lot of times. Oh, I just I bust so fucking quick Oh, wow

I'm like, uh, I literally I don't think I can get AIDS. It's like the five second rule when you drop something on the ground You pick it up. You're like, uh, that doesn't count Yeah, I'm fucking I'm not like even see you with AIDS, bro I couldn't imagine you with AIDS. It's so fat. Yeah, I mean I see pictures of when I was skinnier Dude, I'd be an ugly AIDS patient. Oh, dude. I had a fucking ugly head. Really? I had an ugly head I've always had an ugly head and when I gained weight my head looked normal on my body Oh, I could see that like I have a big I have a big head like a size like

Put this on your head and feel how big my head is. It's pretty big. Oh, wow That's your head. That's my head I'm a crazy. Oh my god, bro. I feel like I'm in a little apartment. I know I feel like I'm no joke. I'm in a studio apartment like hold on. I'll go over here to the kitchen Yeah, I look wow Sorry, I didn't do my hair. It normally looks a lot better, but I'm starting to get gray streaks in my hair Oh, yeah, I'm getting gray streaks in my beard. I'm getting that. We got a question right here from a guy named Jean Gu Looks like an Islamic

Hey, what's up? It's your bud. John. What's up, Johnny? Johnny Johnny Totally gay best friend. Uh, so a question for Burt Um, given that Theo is in a 12 step program and a big part of that program is acceptance and forgiveness Do you think that you would ever forgive Ari Shafir for unintentionally drugging you and giving you molly? So Hope to your back gang gang It's a good question. It's a very now. He said he said unintentional. Yeah, that's I think that's where we differ I think he was pretty direct in his intent

Do you think he wanted to do it? Like Just do you think there's something in him that's like I got to get a rise somehow out of things and it doesn't matter What it is it doesn't matter if it's like, you know, uh, just his vibe of humor with the Kobe stuff You know like or not just Kobe, but all that the going to the edge, you know, I gotta douse my friend I gotta do this fire. You know, I think I think the two are separate I think but I'll say number one. I think Ari's always succeeded on those outer Barriers of comedy meaning really pushing the edge really finding the boundary and then and then jumping over it. Yeah

Case in point the the Kobe thing the The the I'm not going to go through Ari's list of the things that but even the picture of him naked on the stage Like he's always at the you know, he's always done the prayer. He's always He's done the dark side of the moon a lot of time. Yeah a hundred percent. I think I do think there's a part. I think there's a part of Ari that thought If we do a podcast and I've slept with Molly, it's going to be the most epic podcast ever Yeah, everyone's talking about further after the lives and I think I think that was a part of his thought process But I do think that part of his intent was

This is going to be a blast burst one of my best friends I Molly's not going to kill him. I'm going to give him Molly. We're going to get high We're going to laugh. We're going to hang out all night. He didn't really calculate it Like he was like, I should have checked to see if his kids were in the other room I should have checked to see if he had to make dinner or something My wife was making dinner for both of us with to have dinner with the girls because my girls love Dari and uh And and he's like and and he didn't check that I was flying that night I was starting my tour that night. So there's a lot of things Ari didn't like check the boxes for he just kind of did it and

And it was I mean, it's super regrettable because I still love Ari and I and I'm we're still friends We text all the time we talk on the phone But like if my daughter sees me texting with Ari, she'll take my phone. She fucking Georgia hates Ari Leanne Hates Ari and that's what fucking sucks and that I'll never release the podcast because I just don't I know for a fact Ari thinks it's epic if I've talked too much about it So if you watch it, you'd know too much about my feelings about what happened And as opposed if I'd never spoken about it and I just released it It would have been I mean

It would have it would have I think it would probably gone off without a hitch But I talked about it so much That I just I feel like it's not fair to show It's not fair to show Ari being somewhat insensitive to a friend who believes he was drugged and may die Right because Ari's just he's high and he doesn't care and I'm freaked out And I'm having a panic attack and you can definitely see all that and I know Ari feels differently But will you one day put it behind a paywall? You think no, I mean, maybe maybe one day like release it as a movie May I don't may I I mean

It's got to I don't know. It's by the way, it's the night. It's so crazy like If you say you heard you were like, oh, there's outtakes on uh reservoir dogs Where they lose remember there's outtakes on Lily Tom and losing her mind on Dustin Hoffman or or someone during a movie Mm-hmm. Yeah, and they were something and they were like, oh, I want to see that and you as a fan As a fan of podcasts as a fan like a perfect example, right? When you and bill bird at a podcast, everyone was like, bro, what the fuck happened there? I went right there excited I watched it. I didn't

See what I think everyone else saw like I just saw you and bill hanging out It didn't didn't register for me the way it did for other people But I ran right to it. I ran right to it people are on twitter What what the fuck happened with bill and Theo and I was like bill is one of my best friends I've known I feel is one of my close friends like I've known bill for 20 years. I've known Theo for 15 Like I'm fucking I'm going here For me, it didn't like razzle dazzle me. I can see what people were talking about I can pick up on hints of it, but like it wasn't what I want to see

So I know as a fan the idea that you'd want to watch me and Ari me get drugged I'm just afraid protective of Ari that especially with all the Kobe shit that went down That it would just it wouldn't help anyone really wouldn't help anyone trust me man Had I released it and that Kobe shit gone viral people would have grabbed that and it would have Here he is drugging us a white guy. I mean dude I'll tell you right now when it happened. Dr. Drew said, you know, just so you know You by you telling me this I have to call the police and I went wow then I made it up Then I don't know what you're talking about. So if I put it out there, it would have been I think it would have been a bad

I already disagrees 100% but wow. So Ari says put it out. Ari wants it out so bad Maybe I'll sell it to him one day. There you go. Yeah, now we're talking if he makes it big which on the rate He's at he's big man. He's just fucking sabotaging himself left and fucking right He's the guy that killed Kobe Ryan pretty much, you know And a lot of yeah and a lot of poorly written articles, you know Here's the guy and and look at this the guy was flying the helicopters picture of Ari sometimes You know what I'm saying dude. It's bad like bro things get mixed up out there. It's a mashup Uh, yeah, you know, it's a dark arts man. He's so talented, man. And I think that when he does film this special

Called Jew. I think it's called because he's a Jewish supremacist. He's a Jewish Yeah, 100% when he's films this special. I think it's going to be huge and I think people I think it'll really I think people will see the the artist as opposed to like the the comic that we've all known right the sensitive Sweet fucking hilarious car. He should be here as opposed to bloody ass rag. By the way, that's still part of his personality Doug stand and hope a piss on you and he's one of the most genius comics in the world Yeah, it's like you can be both people. I can make it two things. Give me three things. Give me four things. Yeah Yeah, but um Yeah, I don't know. We didn't I like I remember asking if you wanted to talk about it one day on the podcast and uh

Just through texting and then I never heard back from him about it. But yeah, it's interesting because Here's what here's what you should do if you talk talk to him make him talk honestly, right? Because this here's what here's what is frustrating to me is that The con not it's not even frustrating It's not even frustrating at all But like the part of Ari that apologized and the part that I talked to on the phone at the end of the month when we hadn't Spoken for a month and he had texted me every single day going like I want to talk to you. I can't have this happen

I can't lose you as a friend like that guy right that guy talking about it and talking about his experience through that way Is so fucking fascinating the part of him where it's Where he shuts off and deflects and goes what is a joke? Right, you know that for me. I'm not super fascinated by but man I know the I know the man very fucking well. Yeah, and the sensitive side. I would love to hear his perspective of it From our more human space and not from a human space because it's funny still Like his like me and him talking the first time we talked I was driving to a plant of fitness in an uber and me and him talked

I can see that and we were just back and forth kind of Having our first conversation in a month But giggling and kind of like like yeah, that was a fuck to like I'd say something like and then instead of going like Deflective he was fucking But you know what that's me asking him to do comedy and that's offensive for me to go Hey, this is how you should talk about it. My point is I would love that side of already. I would love to hear on a podcast right, right

Yeah, man, uh, I mean, yeah, he's such a he's definitely a sweet nice dude. I think he just has this wild character that is Bro, he is god. There's this outlaw. He's like the jesse james kind of like thing He's like you can't you can't change that and no It's his whole thing and that's a real thing like yeah, it's real. He's shit on bobby lee's car He beat up bobby lee four times. There's a part of arie. That's a fucking legit wild card I let me tell you how do you beat up bobby lee three times and then go back and beat him up one more time though? I don't know. I mean, it seems like it was an easy fight. Yeah Shit, dude. There's a lot of uppercuts. Oh, dude or lower cuts any cuts, dude

Any cuts you could use on bobby I Have bobby fucking me bam bobby lee Bobby Lee's so cool. He really is one of he's definitely unbelievably one of a kind You and him are the two dudes in in recovery that have never ever been brow beady or like never been like Like, you know, like when I say shit like, oh, yeah, I'm not drinking right now and you're like nice And you're like ass. I'm a hard time sleeping or whatever and I don't know what I said to you last time I said something about not drinking and you're like

Yeah, you and you just got like I heard I know what you're talking about and then and then I was like, all right I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I just took off But both of you and bobby lee have always been cool about whatever fucking thoughts I have out loud Just listening and being like a friend So as you know, some dudes are a little bit like hey, man Yeah, here's the deal you got a problem and I can help I can be your savior and you're like, no you fucking can't You run an open mic at a burbank and I'm not trusting my life with you at all I'd much rather be a failed alcoholic than fucking your sidekick at a fucking a meeting. Yeah, don't make me beat up bobby lee again

One a meeting. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This is probably 18 years. No, was it mixed or men's mixed? Okay mixed as men's better Uh, men's is definitely like a little bit more it gets like a little bit more sentimental. I think the mixed ones There's always that element of like Impressing women or seeing what's going on a little bit. Oh, yeah, this was this was because I got a lot of bottle thoughts out there A lot of chicks you give up the liquor just to get a man, you know Yeah, I by the way, I would I can see myself totally getting sober because of a chicken a a oh, yeah

And then falling off with her when she wanted to follow. Yeah, I can totally see that happening But once when a meeting one time was over. Oh, yeah, I shouldn't say anything like that But it was now you can say where it was on more part. No, it's on. No, this is a long this one I live in Hollywood. It was on the corner of Franklin and uh and Highland So it's like it's Franklin. Yeah, Franklin and Highland. It's over by that Starbucks over there So everyone went to the Starbucks and then walked across the street to the to the like school or library or what it was It was in like an auditorium like library type setting

You go in they like give you the book and they're and you sit, you know, you're sitting down first And then they're going around and then the guy I was with this really cool dude Uh, he he and he the only you went to support him. No, no, no. I was Leanne had dumped me Mm-hmm And we've been dating for like four months and she dumped me because I got drunk at a party and I wouldn't let a fight go Like a what like an argument with her friends. I just thought I thought I died on the hill I was like, this is my hill to die on and I got drunk and then I couldn't

Rebound emotionally from that fight and then she broke up with me and so I just said I'm done. I'm done drinking I got drunk and I lost a chick that I loved And I don't want that and if I want to find chicks I love that I want to keep I got to be sober because that's not gonna work for me Yeah, I feel you I tried to learn friends wants to get a woman back I made a boat out of clay for a woman wants. I made a mixed tape for Leanne. You did dude. I she dumped me She dumped me I made a mixed tape and I drove

Down La Brea sobbing crying. Oh, yeah sobbing crying and put it on her car Like a mixed tape with a letter and I went back and I put I tried I cried so hard This is how bad I was hurt when Leanne dumped me I I went into my shower because I didn't want anyone to hear me. Oh, yeah But I I couldn't sit on the ground. I want to sit on the ground. So I bought one of those exercise balls in But I into the shower into the shower, but it couldn't fit through the door So I had to deflate it crying bringing in the shower crying Oh, you reinflated crying and sit on it crying. It was deep when you're crying too. Oh

And so I'm sitting on I lived up on it's a street called Glencoe Right above right above Yeah, I know exactly where that is I was sitting on there eating an Asian pear. I hadn't drank in a couple days I was not out of any other thing that I've been crying this whole time. Is this in the bible? I feel like this is in the bible, dude. Yeah, and so uh stude comes out lived up there And he goes uh He goes what's going on and I was like, uh, I'm going through some shit

And I said something about because he he was uh, how'd he get in the shower? He came in. No, no, no, no, no I was on the street. I was on the street on the I was on the street in the Asian pear Okay, okay. Sorry. I merged this up somewhere. I didn't know we left uh apartment So he used to be a sober coach so they'd hire him. Oh, yeah, that's a big job He they'd hire him to go with huge actors to their movie to keep them sober So that they could get insured get through it Denzel Washington is a man Everybody talks about a lot of times he gets real sober for films. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you'll hear that anyway. It's rumor So this guy then

That's what he did for him. He made great money And he was a nice man tall guy coolest short guy good guy. No, uh, yoked good-looking dude Harley Connie Corso dog like just the fucking he was the man right and so He just said and he's and he knew all the talk man He knew but he was like in like he had been sober for a while and he'd been doing this so long And try to get you in and he took you to a meeting. He just know you always said was he goes I saw him think about quit drinking for a while And he was like how long I said, I don't know and he was like he's like, you know, sometimes it's just it's easier to just go

Let's just take today. Yeah, like don't worry about when you're gonna start just take today I was like maybe I should and he goes and if you want if you need help today Like why don't you come to a meeting with me? And I was like I was like, man, I'm my fear was I was gonna start drinking because I was so depressed about with Leanne Dumped me and so I said I'll go I was do I was I'll try I was like I'll try anything. I was like, I'll go to a meeting Other than meeting. Yeah, we went down. We got coffee. I'd never had coffee at night. Oh, yeah I'd never done that. We got coffee. We went to the meeting and he was like just just listen, man

You don't have to do anything. Just listen so they're going around everyone's talking and Like four guys for me and he hits me and he goes he goes a listen I know your comic if you want to talk if you want to talk about what you're going through everyone's gonna listen And I was like really and he was like, yeah, just every just spill everything. You don't have to be funny Just spill everything. I was like, all right. All right. Good call. So I'm sitting and then it gets to me And I go to stand up and this guy next to me that I didn't he like kind of was like behind me He stands up. He goes actually I'm having a really rough day and I was like, okay

So I sit back down and he goes. Hi. My name is dot. I'm an alcoholic and everyone's like hi dot. He goes Oh, it's been a bad day. Oh, I woke up this morning. I suck my landlord's dick and then I lit his car on fire And I as a comic with the oh, I went. How do I follow that? Like you'll exact us. So I just like I'm fucking out. I'm like, I'm sitting down and then I fucking I was like Never went back to another meeting. I was like, I can't be Yeah, and I stayed sober for eight months and uh and lianna and I one night we're in We're venice Italy. Why is he's over eight months, dude? That's that's huge I said, well, I don't I don't have a problem staying sober right problem if there is a problem

My problem is uh turning it on and off like I don't really do it the way like regular people do it We're like like I don't drink during the day is I only drink at night But in a weird way, it's like I get the I get the itch so like eight o'clock or seven o'clock suns are setting Like who I would my glass of wine. Yeah, but once I stop drinking like we still sober october I have no problem not drinking right it's and by the way, I have a hard time starting drinking again Once I start november 1st. I'm back in I'm back in the game Like it's it's it's not every night, but it's pretty much like any night. I'm on the road Oh, the road must be tough man being sober on the road was really tough because you get done a show

And you're just sitting there like so now what yeah, what do we eat? Like yeah, what are we gonna do? You want to smoke cigars? And so now you're smoking three cigars a day and so and I was working I was being so healthy, but You I don't know when when I can drink on the road. I just do it so Yeah, I would I feel like if I'm out there especially like I'm out there on a tour bus and stuff like that I would just Yeah, I would probably just be getting hammered out there. I feel like it would be real risky What was this question we had right here from a young fella or woman and this is a man

It's kind of what you just talked about. Oh, yeah, oh this this message is for Burt Me and Theo come from the same cloth looks like I'm coming from God But how do you drink so much and stop for sober october? How do you do that? I can't even imagine just stopping drinking like that without any program or anything like that. How do you do it Burt? gang gang boy How do you yeah, how do you do that? I don't know. You just you just make a decision. You just shut it down. You mean, you know, do you know ramping up until october? Are you like, okay

September I'm gonna drink as much. I'll gotta I gotta we're gonna have this last night is gonna be a big party Do you have a party the night before? No, yeah No, actually, usually I'll quit drinking a couple days before Just kind of prep. No, just because like I go I don't want to ramp up and be hung over october 1st where I'm like, uh I'd rather have that shit day Here so that if I need a glass of wine to go to bed like if I'm like, you know, I'm gonna have a glass of wine So like I'll kind of taper it off and then and then I just stop I've done it both ways. I've did it this last year

I got fucking wasted uh September 30th or whatever and then turned it off the year before I kind of tapered off a little bit the year before that I think I I think I didn't drink Because the rule is you can't you got to stop drinking at midnight, right? So you can't you can't build up to midnight and then go i'm done. That's not gonna happen Yeah, so like I always tapered off a tad bit, but uh Yeah, I don't know man. I have a weird thing in my head. It's it's very punitive. I'm very punitive

I'm a little obsessive compulsive. So like like what I'm not drinking right now. I'm not gonna drink for the next probably I mean, I may I don't anybody drinking here. No, no, no, no, no. No, I meant I meant I meant I meant this. I'm not drinking right now this time of my life. Oh, I see what you're saying and so We got a lot of work to do too right now. Yeah, and I have plenty of fucking free time I'm like, dude last thing I'm gonna do is fuck a bunch of free time up with booze Yeah, it's like when you go on vacation My biggest mistake when I was younger is I go on vacation and get fucking wasted the whole time

Come home and be like more tired from the vacation than I was with my wife I went on vacation one time to hawaii and my wife's like no booze. I did it and I had a fucking blast Up early jogging swimming snorkeling. Oh, it's the greatest vacation. So I love snorkeling So, oh dude, lian loves it. I'm good out there. Oh when I'm out there I feel like I'm supposed to be out there me too. You know what we did in fiji We kind of floated the reef where they drop you off and you just kind of cruise with the reef. Oh Oh, it's fiji pretty cool. Fiji was fucking awesome. It was really great I'm sorry. I'm gonna say fiji bali fiji is great too. Oh, wow. I went to fiji as well

Fiji is amazing, but bali is fucking legit. I don't know. I wish I could tell you I I've talked to drew about it why I I get to this place where I shut it down and then I don't and then I'll tell you right now, man If I if I don't drink for this whole time. We're off or whatever time we're off I'll have a really hard time starting again Do you feel like you have to drink because of your show and because you're act? I think I think people would be really I think people would probably Look at me different. I think people look at my show as I got a reason to tap out and have a good time

Yeah, and I think they I think let's go celebrate. I'm also the guy that like when I go to a party like with parents I'm the guy that gives everyone a license to get a little loaded. Yeah, and I don't you can never tell when I'm wasted I mean I can but you normally people can't so So it I feel like they go on your lips get wetter. I noticed that Yeah They do yeah, I it's okay though But um, but yeah, I don't know how I I don't know. I wish I knew and I've talked to dr. Drew about it I'm like my alcoholic. He goes. I don't think so

He goes up. I think you're gonna have health problems if you continue the way you do it. Yeah, so that's where I like turn it off Yeah, he's so smart too. Dr. Drew, isn't he? He's a dude. He's the bad. I'm this whole coronavirus thing I've been texting him about like mental health shit. Yeah You know, I've talked about it, but no one really knows too much about it But like I definitely have anxiety like that. I can't sometimes I can't deal with I think that probably leads to me drinking but There are times where I just Like can't deal with it. And when this coronavirus kicked off I was like

anxious, huh? I was like I wouldn't leave in the bus like we I like I was like, no, I'm safe here. Like why would I get out of the bus? It's out there and it's worth just at your place right now. Where is it? It's at my house right now. Yeah, but uh But like I wasn't like we were driving across country drew from New Orleans to LA and I just was like I just wasn't getting out of the bus Wow And they were like what I was it was like they didn't know what was going on because everyone's with me But I get my head was just chewing the same thoughts over and over again. So I called Dr. Drew and he's like, all right, let's talk I go. I'm actually good today. But so

Yeah, he's such a nice outlet. He's such a really Yeah, just his tone and everything is a good way to communicate We had a question that came up right here from a young woman. This is a man actually Young fella Bert got a question for you If there's no Tito's available, what's your what's your other go-to drink? And Theo back in your uh, your drinking days. What was your what was your go-to drink? gang gang

gang, bro Well, I like to do a miller miller high life was a beer that I really enjoyed really and it's in europe too And it's a beer that I always that I thoroughly enjoyed was a miller high life And I and I used to live with a man who would eat tostitos at night and drink miller light So sometimes I'd sit in the living room and watch him He didn't always sit there in the dark watching him And he'd be on the computer looking at pornography and shit eating fucking tostitos and drinking miller light I used to watch him, but yeah when I was drinking. What else did we have a little bit of mad dog?

2020 was kind of popular ripple a lot of the brothers would fucking let you hit that ripple jug, you know, yeah, and uh But yeah, once we got into college beer, you know, and then once I got out of there I went through a gin and tonic phase over there in charleston, south carolina Gin and tonics are beautiful. Oh my god. I can't What's in them? I can't talk too much about booze. Like I'll literally get my hopes up Like I'll go like you you can sell me on a drink where I go. I got I might need one of those I talked to someone today and he was like, I'm having a white wine. I'm on the keys I'm with coronavirus is freaking me out. I just woke up. I poured a white wine and then my it's like four in the morning to me

Yeah, I'm doing a radio tour and I was like, I want a fucking glass of white wine wine Yeah, I don't I don't have a problem getting back on look you like me walking my way into back drinking tonight Look, I don't have a problem and I might drink tonight. This doesn't be totally fine. Yeah, the man gin and tonics They were grabbing gin and tonics on Monday night football. Oh, really? My sister worked. It's got a job at fox. We just had georgia And we used to go over to her house in like oh down on pico My two sisters lived together and my sister and I would make gin and tonics And we'd make dinner we'd watch my daughter my wife would go to tennis practice

My other sister would come home and we'd all grill out have gin and tonics have gin and tonics remind me of Monday night football That's awesome, man. Yeah, there's such a we drink them out at this place I don't remember what it was called and just stand out there and look at the grass and have a couple gin and tonics, bro they had like You know like A lot of like marsh grass and palmettoes and stuff like that's this is in South Carolina And we drink nine of them 11 of them, man If I can drink those bitches to your eyes wouldn't close, you know, it's funny. I don't enjoy the

I have to lay a rag over my eyes to sleep. I couldn't get my eyes closed if I had enough too much gin I couldn't I never I know I don't really Love the taste of tea dos and sodas. I love the taste of a gin and tonic. Yeah Like I love the taste of a bloody Mary a strong bloody Mary spicy I love that taste. I love the taste of a white russian. Oh, yeah, I love the taste I just got back into IPAs. I wasn't an IPA guy Dude, I had a period where I couldn't drink IPA because I was drinking one in the morning They used to give these gravity jugs. I was taking a shower

I had to jump off the stratosphere that day that day. Oh, I was in the shower in Utah And I had a color to gravity jug and it was like a really strong IPA and I was getting ready to go on a plane I'm drinking in the shower because I don't want to fucking fly. I have so much anxiety And I'm running late for the flight and I drank too much and I threw up an IPA strong IPA in the shower It's too much, huh? I couldn't drink IPAs for a long time And then one of those tannins and stuff from that oak or whatever gets it just gets in your gills Do you know what? Do you know what I miss because I can't drink it because I'm on blood pressure medicine Is grapefruit and vodka. Oh, wow

Grapefruit and gin is fucking awesome. Geez. You can even every drink on Oh, great, dude. Jack on the rocks double jack on the rocks lots of ice. That's my takeoff drink on planes Sit down on a plane. What do you want, sir? I'll take a double jack on the rocks lots of ice lots of ice Please these are how I take my these are on my orders. This is when you know, you drink too much. These are my orders, okay? Uh, double tea does sort of big glass no lime. Can I get a double jack on the rocks lots of ice Can I get a beer but pour in the glass just pour the whole thing in the glass? Do not just give me the can Okay. No, no, actually I think give me the can give me the can don't pour in the guys Yeah, man, I'm really specific about how I take drinks

But look, I think is also I think men as they get older they get specific about how they take everything You know, it's not like yeah, don't give me this like just like I'm 19 again It was when you were a kid and you'd have to call you down and be like, how do I like my steak? Yeah, like medium rare. How do I get this tie to work? Yeah, how do I do this now? It's like, you know exactly how you want things. It's just like, okay. This is how I do it or I don't do it at all Do you remember it was like the first time you ever bought a car and you like you picked it out pay cash boy I made an 84 Ford escort dude with no passenger seat Somebody stole well somebody stole it

But it had it when I got it, but I think the guy stole it back the guy bought it from really Yeah, I never really went into it, but I do think that But like the first car you bought Like that you went into a dealership And you said like I'm looking at I'm looking at this and the guy showed you things and you were like He's like, what color would you look and you had to make all these decisions on your own? There's my first car was a uh Expedition an eddie bowler nice black on tan

And I remember looking at it and going this is the car. This is it. I want the tan interior. I can sleep in the back Yeah, oh, I slept in that back a lot I fucked fuck Leanne in the driver's seat one time. Did you really? Yeah, she slammed my dump my thumb in the car door and I didn't care I just kept banging away middle of the night that thumb started hurting more than I've ever felt anything hurt And she took a needle lit it over a match and pushed it in popped it and blood squirted out the fucking thumb That was the most pain. I've that's probably the most pain I've ever been in my life that fucking thumb. Yeah The fingers are really it's amazing kind of sometimes what's in there, you know, you wonder what's in your hands all the time

But have you seen that show my feet are killing me. I don't watch that kind of stuff. We got a question right here from somebody Oh john reep Yeah, what up Theo it's nick from Melbourne, Australia. Cheers, man my questions for Bert Did the LA marathon did the triathlon? What's next? Surely we can squeeze a big bike ride or something out of you gang gang gang brother Yeah, bird. It's crazy because for one end of the spectrum you hit you hit the other end of the spectrum too, man

Some real pinnacles athletically. Yeah, I wrote already rode a bike. I rode a bike from philadelphia, atlantic city That was not that far. Is it? Oh, it's really fun. Really? It took me five hours. Oh, wow Dude, it was I was probably the hardest thing I've ever done because I had partied the night before But I was at my biggest I'd ever been weight-wise. So I rode it and it was just I mean There's a lot of gunplay over there in Philly, too I were 25 and about how many miles is it? 68.4 68.4 it was fucking some sharp Five hours and 22 minutes. I I did it much longer by the way

I think I did it like five hours. I almost probably did in six hours. Well, congratulations, man That's amazing. We're talking about swimming the catalina channel me and my buddy. You know Dave Williamson comedian Oh, yeah, do you know Dave Williamson, man? Dave from Miami He tours with me and Dave wants to swim the catalina channel And I was like if you're gonna train for it. I might as well train for and see if I can do it I'd rather swim with a guy. So if the shark goes after him Oh, yeah, and if some people yeah, you always want to have that shark buddy like yeah, let's get in dude Yeah

Yeah, well get a couple tattoos of meat on your legs and then let's get in Get a packet of blood just squirt it on him. Hey, right there. He's right there. I know you're looking for Um, this is your third or fourth special. That's my fourth. Wow. Yeah my fourth and then uh, what gets easier about them as you go along Really? Yeah, it's actually gotten harder. I think because It's like the comfortably dumb Um, I just told all the jokes I had right that was it. I was like just told every time I got my first special Yeah, um the machine I had a good length of time between that like probably I want to say like eight years or something I don't know when I did the machine

But like maybe seven years five years by some time and I had this machine story worked out And I knew that was the end of I knew that was gonna end it and I had these great stories I had these stories that were really working like fighting a bear Jumping I have a plan with Rachel Ray the machine So all I need to do is tether them together and it was and by the way, there's no pressure with showtime Everyone was like no one's gonna watch it and no one did but that machine story went viral So then there was like a little bit of an expectation when I did my next one But not much because Netflix was like, yeah, well, well, we'll do a special with you

They didn't say like we want to do a special. They were like, we'll do a special with you So we did the secret time and the secret time was the first ever Successful thing I ever did in my life where I was like There was the actually no lie. That was the first Successful thing I ever did in my entire fucking career. And by the way, I'd been in the business 20 years And that was the first thing I did that anyone ever watched and what determined for you that it was successful I was able to sell a tour. I was able to sell I did secret time and then Like I mean when the machine went viral that sold out comedy clubs for like two years

Wow, two years straight three years. I could do sell it all comedy clubs And then when I did secret time that everyone, you know, your team says, all right, we're gonna make the leap to theaters And you're like, I don't really give a fuck. The money at comedy club is just fine And then you've got to take a hit unless you do really successful when secret time came out I just didn't have the radar to like I don't I didn't know that people watched it. I didn't know That anyone liked it. I didn't know that it was any good. I didn't I didn't have any idea what I was doing I just did it. I these were the thoughts I had I had hung out with Delia Delia said no one watched after 30 minutes is special. So for secret time

Based on that simple conversation I had with Delia I took all the best material that I had that had been spread throughout with a closer I moved the closer to 22 minutes and I took anything that popped and I moved it up front Like I just I front loaded the fuck out of that special And because I did people got to the closer and we're like, well, fuck it. I'll watch the rest of it. And so That was like probably The easiest I had because I had no shame about it. I don't promoting the fuck out of it because I didn't I was like, I've been failing my whole life. This is gonna fail, but I'm not gonna let it fail

I'm gonna just swing every attempt I get I'm gonna swing for the fences and try to get to succeed And then it did and then this one was like like when you say This one was really stressful because I I was like, I'm doing I'm trying some different stuff I'm I'm doing the stuff that I do well like talking about my daughters talking about my wife talking about my family talking about being a Bad dad about drinking we got an adventure story like I do all the things But then I was like I I would watch comics that I loved Do the exact same thing that they had done in the previous special meaning like

It was almost like keep riding the same pony same exact same horse and I never changed and never changed in it And it bummed me out because I was like In my head silently I go. I thought you were better than that Like I thought I thought you were better than me and I know I wouldn't do that and burr was like fucking And you know burr burr and rogan are two dudes that have said Throw away things to me that I've hung my fucking hat on wow and burr said one time If you it's something to the effect if if you're not challenging yourself Then you're not getting better and if you're not getting better then why would anyone want to watch you?

So I legit challenged myself I said I said, uh, I talked to stand up and stand hope it was it was he was like He was drinking one morning and he I was like, what are you doing? He goes, I'm writing a knock-knock jokes and I went what he's like. Yeah, I'm writing goofs man. Like just goofs You know I'm fucking around. I'm not writing material. I'm just just you know working with my brain working his brain Yeah getting the brain to really do something and he's like we're as funny as those guys, right? We got to be as funny as those guys I was like

Yeah, he's like there's no way they're funnier than we were we're funny So why can't we write knock-knock jokes? I went yeah, why not? And then I started getting obsessed with norm mcdonald. He's a guy that could write a knock-knock joke Like he's a guy. Yeah, who could take a standard structure joke and then and then make it now me I'll speak I'll speak only for me, but I think all of us me usagura Like our group of guys delia santino every all of us We do what we do in our own way But it's not traditional stand-up right and I'm not gonna get I'm not gonna go into that like go into like I'm gonna do

Traditional stand-up. I was like I got would like to challenge myself to write a guy walks into a bar joke Yeah, and so I did it and I think it's good and I think it's probably the best joke I've ever written But I don't think you'd know it's a guy walks into a bar joke until if I unless I told you and then you go Oh, shit. And so and like so I did I did that I tried to do this thing about this gun bit Which I think is one of the better bits. I've ever I've seen that I've seen I believe that I've seen you I've seen you do that bit at the comedy store man. Yeah, I thought it was so good Yeah, and so I just tried to challenge myself and if I succeeded great

But if I didn't then if I didn't you still got the stuff you love what I did And and I think these I think I look it's the exactly what you said about your special That's how I feel right now. I'm super proud of this fucking thing, but like you don't know Yeah, I don't want to be like some guy that's like and who would I be if I yeah I think there's definitely a thing of learning to be proud of things and then there's also a thing of constantly. Okay How do I? How am I gonna challenge myself again? Where am I gonna move the bar? Am I gonna stay in this safe?

Take a look at where you've challenged yourself like I heard a joke that you threw away the other day and I thought Old theo so I almost told me this joke. I go it was a throwaway. I brought it up to you and he was like Oh, yeah, whatever And I thought old theo would have hung his hat on that joke and that would have been exact and that would have been He would have said every nano stage where you are today because you've challenged yourself and taken fucking big strides Now you're fucking where you're at in stand-ups next fucking level, but you got it We always challenged ourselves when we were younger. Yeah always think about it

If you stayed where you were at an open mic or and you were like I'm getting laughs. That's what I'll do We and we know those guys. Yeah, then then they stayed here the whole time, but instead some guys You get those laughs and open mics. You're like, I'm actually better than those cheap laughs. I got this Yeah, the cheap laughs scare me now because sometimes I want to tell a joke. I don't know something new to do Yeah, and I've been on I've been on stage that much but I want to do something new and I'll be like Uh, man, there's a couple of cheap jokes that I really like that. Yeah five eight years ago I'd have been like, oh, definitely But now I'm like I just can't do that. It's not going to make me feel good

Dude when we work together in in san francisco and you sat down and you told Uh, like a solid eight minute story about that mexican man that went to school with you. Oh, yeah I'm on the floor. You would have never had the balls to do that In what was like 800 people you would never have the balls to do that when you first started But you challenge yourself and challenge yourself and I think we have to keep doing that as comics when we do specials We can't just go well the secret time worked. Let me just do a carbon copy of that Change out the punch lines, but same structure that structure works. Yeah, why wouldn't I do that again? Well, I think it's I think it's you know, and I might be thinking way too much about it

I know that there's probably guys like rogan will probably be like, dude, just be funny. Yeah Burwood Burwood Burwood And even after all birds advice, he'd vote. He'd be like bro. Just be funny. Remember that's like the rule Yeah, you don't have to be you don't have to fucking sit here like a workout class. We don't have to save the world We don't have to yeah, just make me laugh to be funny. Yeah, but also at a certain point You have to make yourself laugh too. Are you yeah, you have to are you just not going to care about it? You're just not going to be Unless you're a joke writer if you're a storyteller, then I think it's different You know, I think we're storytellers and I think we take people places

And if you want to be a good storyteller, you you got to like you got to figure out new ways I mean the way you're telling stories now, man. No one's doing it like you and and Thanks, man What's the truth and everyone talks about it fucking everyone talks about it and but but you didn't just show up with that You had to work there, right? And so why would you ignore that? Why would you go? Okay? I'm here. I'm done I'll just do this for the rest. I'll do this exact same thing for the rest of my life But do you ever think like oh, am I gonna be stuck? Do you ever think though that I'm gonna be stuck here? Like I'm just gonna be able to do this or do you think like

Okay, I will continue to evolve. Do you ever just wonder for yourself? Like will I continue to evolve? I think everybody kind of wonders that like I would is the gas tank gonna run out, you know I feel like that Yeah, because well because you know I get in my own way it's like Because I did travel channel for so long and then when I got out of travel channel. I was like I was I found success in podcasting and stand-up and that was it And I went fuck it. I'm done and I literally Turned a middle finger to everyone in Hollywood and they'd be like hey, we want you to do this

I would pass I want you to do this pass and then everyone came at me with a project and I passed on everything And then one day I went I like I like I remember someone got like a a movie. I mean Tom did a movie maybe or something I only say Tom's I talked to him so much but like Tom did a movie with marky mark And I was like, why would you do that? He was like, well, you got it. You got to try new stuff And I was like, what do you mean trying to like it's it's who what the fucks wants to be a movie with Mark Wahlberg and he was like It's a life experience. Don't you want to try this shit? And then I was like, oh, yeah

Maybe I should maybe I should also maybe I have time to also do other stuff. Hmm. And then I was like, okay Like I'll do let's do a series. And so we did it. We did a series with Netflix And then I was like, I was like, oh, maybe we can do a sitcom I wouldn't mind doing a sitcom and then I started going like hey, I'm cool with doing a movie also like I'm not I can I can be in this lane and then do other stuff around I got in this mindset where I look at you look at rogan Who's our fucking who he's our messiah, man? I don't mean that like, you know Like he's our guy like right. He's a template He's a template and he's put us all over and gave us all amazing opportunities and every single one of us acknowledge it

But an acknowledgement you also see that path that he carved through stone for himself And you realize if I stay in that path, I got a great life Like I can just do podcasts just do stand-up do spots at the store the improv the ice house And fucking there is room to grow. Yeah, but you've also got to go. Hey, man. I'm also not Joe I'm not the best listener like yeah, I'm not the best interviewer I'm I don't know what I'm my strength. They're not I have no discipline not as smart I'm not as smart like so like so like maybe I should also try the things that I'm also really good I'm saying that for myself. Yeah, I'm thinking of myself. Yeah. Oh, I'm the fucking I'm a window-lick and nitty

Like I'm definitely not saying that you're not as smart, but yeah, we're not as smart I'm not Joe Rogan. I'll tell you that man. I'm I found that out many times the hard way. Yeah, slow Rogan. I think I'm mow Rogan one of the three Rogans There's Larry something in mo slow and mo That's funny. Dude. Well, I can't wait to see it man. I haven't watched it yet, but I'm looking forward to it I appreciate it. Um, the last special I watched was Jim Gaffigan and I really really loved it the one of you did on amazon

I thought was really good. I love dude. I love kaffigan's one of the guys. He's so funny. He's one of the greats, man Yeah, but he really is you want to talk about growth? He was not who he is today when he started Some of my favorite jokes his were dirty jokes like never gonna you ever go to You ever go back to high school and all the kids want to call you the nickname they called you in high school But you grew out of it. You're like, hey guys not anymore and they're like, well, but it is an old sheep fucker He goes one of my favorite Jim Gaffigan jokes. He goes, hey, uh ladies You ever go to the park on a sunday and see that guy walking around with his shirt off with a snake around his neck and go

Man, I want to have sex with that guy and they're like no and he goes. Oh Hey fellas, anyone want to buy a snake? Jim Gaffigan Is the funniest fucking guy alive. He's so funny, man. He's so fucking funny and he's worked so he's been touring for what 15 years Oh, he's been dude He's been torn. He just quit to do movies. I watched his most recent movies. He's been doing movies No, he's been doing movies the whole time. Do you see the one where he killed the baby? Uh, no, I didn't see that one. I saw the one where he's the uber driver though and that's where he killed the baby

Oh, I didn't notice the baby part. Is that a big part of it? That's the big part of the movie. The baby dying. That's how he gets where he is Yeah, it's good, man. I've watched the whole thing. No, I gotta watch that uber baby. He put some trash away quickly and cried Oh, it was good. That's a great man. He was in super troopers. Was he? Yeah, they talk about it They said he flew in on a private jet Came in shot a scene Walked off. It was super cool walked off got in a private jet went back and they were like, thank you Yeah, damn dude. Hey, I gotta be honest with you, man and this podcast

As a fan of yours since day one, you know, I've been a day one fan. Yeah, I fucking love watching you blow up, man Oh, thanks, man. I had so fucking fun. You make me giggle so hard. I was telling you you and that taught me Lauren and fucking interview. Oh, yeah, she was DJ. I love your podcast. You're killing it, bro You're killing it. Well, thanks for just being so supportive, man And thanks for just yeah, like being supportive over the years and being like, uh, you know, just kind of a leader in this whole industry I mean, you do the same thing, you know, you work really hard And I mean, you're one of the guys too that I that I think a lot of people think about like, oh, this guy works so hard You know, and I think we're all put

This'll be the the next few weeks will be the test of like, let's see who can work the hardest because I know we got to we got to produce something we're all doubling down on podcast Maybe write a script or fucking shoot some shit. Who knows? It would be great if all of us did a project together It seems like if we wrote something and just funded something ourselves, I think people would dig it I would love Like a big like almost like dc cab. Yeah, remember dc cab I don't remember it at all

It was great. Charlie Barnett was in it. Mr. T was in it. Bill Maher was in it Oh, so fucking great. It was about a cab company. Uh, I see something that'd be great I thought of like a wrestling league like it's sputtering out and it's like the last legs of it The last few wrestlers are the last few wrestlers are us and it's just the dying last couple of fights We get a wig for Rogan and he's got long stringy balding hair. Oh, that would be great. I like that Joey Diaz is a manager It's tremendous Just some shit wrestling league world is beating Bobby Lee. Oh, that's not a bad script. Oh

He's so good. Hey, if anyone heard that let's make that movie. Yeah, somebody wants to fund Yeah, somebody want to come in with a two million dollar budget man. We can get that thing made Yeah, well, maybe not made totally because we can't be around each other in groups of 10 But what if we did a movie where people all have to be six feet away from each other during the shooting of it? We'll call it ski school and we'll all be Okay, dude, I think uh I think we're out of ideas, dude I love you. I love you too, man. Congrats on the new special

Thank you and uh, congrats on all your effort and work and thanks for being here today. Thank you. Yeah, man. Now Oh Oh