This Past Weekend - BEST OF: This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von 2025

Episode Date: December 31, 2025

Some of our favorite moments from 2025. Thank you all for the support. Onward…  ------------------------------------------------ Tour Dates! https://theovon.com/tour New Merch: https://www.theovonstore.com ------------------------------------------------- Sponsored By: Celsius: Go to the Celsius Amazon store to check out all of their flavors. #CELSIUSBrandPartner #CELSIUSLiveFit https://amzn.to/3HbAtPJ  Good Rancher: Head to https://go.goodranchers.com/theo and use my code THEO - all new subscribers get $100 off your first 3 orders with my code + free meat for LIFE when you subscribe. Moonpay: Head over to https://www.moonpay.com/theo to sign up  Perplexity AI: Ask anything at https://pplx.ai/theo and download their new web browser Comet at https://comet.perplexity.ai/ ------------------------------------------------- Music: “Shine” by Bishop Gunn Bishop Gunn - Shine ------------------------------------------------ Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to: [e-mail] Hit the Hotline: [phone] Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: https://www.theovon.com/fan-upload Send mail to: This Past Weekend 1906 Glen Echo Rd PO Box #159359 Nashville, TN 37215 ------------------------------------------------ Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheoVonClips Shorts Channel: https://bit.ly/3ClUj8z ------------------------------------------------ Producer: Zach https://www.instagram.com/zachdpowers Producer: Trevyn https://www.instagram.com/trevyn.s/  Producer: Nick https://www.instagram.com/realnickdavis/ Producer: Andrew https://www.instagram.com/bleachmediaofficial/  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

uh that's what this is called this past weekend yeah how did you come up with that because i just started on a monday to be honest i didn't really that's good what about bill cosby you ever get to meet him or not before he had all the problems is being a rapist one of the You said it like, before he got scurvy. Hey, Theo. My name is actually Theo as well. Oh, hello, Theo. Good to meet the others.

Onward. I got a situation here. I've been talking to this girl for like two years, and it turns out I got a pregnant. After that all happened, the word got around, and somehow it turns out that she, She's my first cousin. Any advice would help, and thank you so much.

Wow, dang, brother. That's, uh, ooh. That's, you're going to be raising a dang lizard, homie. Um, wow, brother, good golly. That's like shooting fish in a family or whatever. I don't know, I mean, I haven't looked at a chart recently. I don't know the, uh, um the genetic legalities of that but it do yeah i mean they say you know don't pee where

or don't eat where you or don't piss where your family is or whatever whatever that old saying is dude you i feel like you've gone past that at this point and um god that thing's gonna have you're gonna need um yeah you're gonna need a uh fairy to come and put shoes on that thing. I'm just chirping you. I'm just chirping you, dude. Look, I feel you. Look, it's having a child with a cousin, I think.

At the very least, it's going to need glasses. They still have prostitutes that work the streets. Do they? Yeah. They don't have to anymore, right? Where's just some good, where are streetwalkers still in America? Can you pull that up, please? Because I've been looking.

I've told my friends before. I don't get laid much. That's just a fact about me But I told my friends Just surprise me with a hooker one day And don't tell me it's a hooker A male hooker? A male hooker They exist? I'm not sure

I think that they Yeah, definitely I mean there's like Italian guys If that's what you're talking about Gross But You know some women They say

Oh it's so easy for a woman to get laid They can have whoever they want Not's not true There are some of us That are really hard time Really? I know a lot I feel like I could name it's at least five or six guys that would definitely make love to you that I know firsthand.

Oh, wow. And I've seen in the past two weeks, you know? Wow, and you've got some cool pals. I mean, or just, you know, like, I mean, because, yeah, I don't even, yeah, but it's like, what am I even talking about? Is that a crazy thing to say to someone? No, no, no, it's great to hear. Actually, that just gave me a little bit of a boost.

Dude, yeah, are you kidding me, man? I know some people that would definitely probably knock you up even. Hell yeah. You have a lot of, you have a decent amount of children. Yeah, a lot, 85. You have 85? Is that your goal? Yeah.

Boy, you got to get. That was my goal. But then also the people I've had kids with, we were all on one accord. What is that mean? I only dated women that were athletic. I'm not having kids just to have kids. Oh, so did you have some strategy? Yeah, there was strategy behind mine.

I don't care about you being a bad bitch. I don't care about you being on IG with your ass out. And no BBLs, all that. I mean, that's fine. Whatever you need to do to feel better about yourself, I'm fine with that. But I needed and only dated women that were athletic. Wow.

So my kids had a head start on that foundation of athletic ability. And I only date women that already have kids. Hmm. You can take that kid off to the sides, hey, man. Because, I mean, for me, dating a woman with no kids, they never have fucking food at home. Yeah. They always want to go out to eat. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. You know what it's like? No, Theo, I don't know if you experienced this. Like, you know what it's like? to have sex with someone that has kids and wake up at 3.3.30 in the morning, get a fucking caprisone. That's good. Oh, oh, bro. That's fucking amazing. Bro, I'm made, with half a mouth full of lunchable, I'll make love all night. See, that's what I'm talking about. That's who I am, boy. I mean, it's like losing your virginity

to Pamela Anderson. Well, that's a dated. Who's the new hot lady? Who is it now? Oprah. No, it's, Rihanna. Who do the kids like? Oh, oh. Sidney Sweeney. That's a good one. Look at the tits on Dickless. God. Oh, wow.

Holy Hachimachi. She seems like a beautiful young lady, huh? Very attractive. She just got to separate it from her husband. Oh, hey, you're in. That's slurplored. I thought about sending her a message, but I don't know what I would say. Say nice yams, bitch.

Oh, yeah, that's true, dude. I think she wants that. No one talks to her like that anymore, so it'd probably turn her on. You think, oh, I'll definitely say something. about that vegetation. Yeah. She's got some crop circles. You want to hear some wild data

on homosexuality and hormones? Okay, so years ago when I was a graduate student at Berkeley, I was part of a study. I wasn't the main author that looked at finger length ratios and homosexuality in men and women and how much testosterone was in utero. Now, I don't want anyone to freak out

and just start staring at their fingers but because it has to be measured correctly. All right. All right. So if you hold up your right, hand, like I'm holding up my right hand. My ring finger here is a little bit longer than my pointer finger.

Okay, which one's ring finger? Yeah, so, but turn it the other way around for me. Yeah, okay, so your ring finger's a little bit longer than your pointer finger. Yeah. Okay, that is the typical heterosexual male pattern. Okay, now people are gonna be like, this is bullshit, listen, this has been replicated

more than five times in humans, okay, if you look at gay men, men that identify as gay, there, they're very few men that identifies bisexual actually, but if you look gay men, that difference is much more pronounced, much bigger. They have a hyper male pattern. Now, it can't be due to behavior, right? You can say, well, they're having sex with a lot more people. Sexing increases testosterone. No, it's directly related to how much testosterone you were exposed to in utero when you were in your mommy's belly. Now, can you get exposed to testosterone in your mom's belly if someone ejaculates into the mom?

that hasn't been looked at but I don't think so there's a lot to talk about here but so yeah you can put that hand down so ever since like how people call me a lesbian or whatever like because your looks or whatever yes because of my looks sometimes too some lady the other day said is that a wig

on your head but the doctor made an assumption at birth because I had one kidney in the way my face looked and assumed and told my parents that I would like there was a high percentage chance that I was down syndrome Um, yeah.

What do you mean? Yeah. Dude, I'll tell you this. I heard that Frederick Douglas, um, I heard Frederick Douglass was gay. And I'll tell you, I swear. Who told you that? I've heard it from probably almost 15. Not 15 people.

I've heard it from four people. Where do you go to find, uh, the people who tell you that Frederick Douglass is gay? Look, I'll tell you this. You must hang out more interesting places than I do. It wasn't white people that told me. Really? So out of the gate, I have given a little bit more credibility. And that's why he wanted to free all those men because he was, you know,

was having trouble meeting anybody. Is that right? Because everybody was at work. You know, I'm going to talk. I'm going to talk. J.D. Vance, congratulations, dude. You stand there like this, but you still flex. You keep the stomach in, and you keep the abs flex,

the calves flex, the bison, the trice of flex. So that was the idea, and I was always having great joy with that. But then you wait for the individual posing. So then you come at one after the next, you do your three minutes posing routine. And what's the tricks there? Is there any trick of the trade A last minute thing you used

You would like pinch your Pinch your tits Or just rub some just like molasses Into your land Like was there what was like a last minute thing People would do Put ice under your arms or something No I think the key thing is just

That you when you go there That you're so ready That you don't shake You get how many body builders I'm sure you've seen it They hit a shot And then they They were after after a few

seconds, is that shaking. Oh, so that's bad. Well, for that level. I mean, it's natural when you have a Mr. Venice Beach competition. Yeah. Mr. Muscle Beach. Mr. Montgomery, Alabama, yeah. You know, so that's what it is. So it's all about the seven piece.

You know, the seven piece. Proper prior planning prevents pissed poor performance. Mm-hmm. Right? And the Marines, they have that. Proper prior planning prevents piss poor performance. Exactly. So that's what it is about.

It's the same there. You come prepared. You know, that's always a war of temptation in your mind. There's always going to be that there. There's always going to be smelling zones. Oh, I'll hear it. Oh, my God. This is so strong.

I can already feel a little of that. God. Let me ride. You know what the difference is, Jamie? Let me ride that little bit. You know what the difference is? This one, I kept this on it. I didn't even realize I was doing it.

But I kept that on it and then it was sealed. I'll lay on my back and 69 this thing, brother. It's already going to be strong, Joe. Quiet. Don't look at me when I do it. Hit it. Hit it. I didn't get enough.

You didn't get enough. No. You didn't inhale. You got scared. You missed. You're right. Oh my God. Oh, my God.

No. No, you don't do that. You don't do that. What, you just did scared everywhere. Take a break. I'm sweating. I'm sweating too. Sorry.

How are you? Are you okay? Bro. You just changed timelines. Because of you, Justin Trudeau resigned. First, I want to talk a little bit more about race and race baiting. Okay. Cross racial behaviors right here. This is a clip of a white male, let's see, that Druski put together.

Okay. Here's the love. Here's the honor. If you can't come in her, come over. Yeah. I think this is a Jason Kelsey impersonation also. Yes. Look at this.

Hey, Sueanna. She went to. You need to listen to your nana. Cedar Point. Hey, you lost, boy? No, I'm going to race. What race is? NASCAR racing.

You're going to NASCAR? What is this shit, dude? Do you think that kind of racism happens that much, really? Or this is more like in movies type shit, dude? I mean, look, dude, I live in New York, so I don't know what it's like in the South. But I know racism. exists, I also know that it's kept alive by the media and the internet and all that stuff because there's so many people that make so much profit off it that you're like, but I mean,

I think that's fine. I mean, Drusky doing that is just like a good bit, but I should be able to then fully dress black. Now, my question is, there was said that there was a prize where whoever won it got to say the N-word one time. Is that true or not? I heard that. Yes. Yes. Okay. I feel like everybody in their life has said the nigger the word. You said it rapping the song. part of bro. Everyone said it. And kids, even Tom Brady one time told me, man, my son was asking me about it. Because it's the curious thing. It's like, you put power on the word. Like, don't say that because, but words can mean whatever you want them to mean. It's all about how you take it interpreting within yourself. Oh, yeah. You say I'm your favorite nigger. It's like, yeah,

I'm your favorite black guy. You know what I'm saying? If I say you my nigga, that means like, you're my God. Like, you my brother. If somebody says it to, if a black fellow says that to me, I feel pretty good for that. You're like, you're my nigger. Like I fuck with you Like we genuine We have a bond That I care about you I feel like okay

You know what I'm saying Let's do it I'm gonna buy some fucking J's You know I mean Ready to do this But now Is there

Why don't black people Lease the N word Out to be said Like at a certain event Or something I think there could be a lot of money In that Is that crazy to say that

I feel like Just how you use it You know sometimes Oh I agree I don't mean using In a derogatory way But say like Tonight they had

Like Angelina Jolie Was paying 50 bands to say it right on you on a live stream that'd be cool and you sold tickets you would want to see how she said it so that's the thing and you sold tickets to it like she had slaves like she said right right because i might be fucking a white girl but like yo call me a nigger oh damn who are these people you don't like that huh i have no idea if i like it or not but i just think like it's like it's prerogative okay you know what i mean it's like it's exciting it's just like i'll it's fucking and will they do it sometimes yeah no way why wouldn't it i'll smack

I don't know. I don't know. Oh, I didn't know they're doing all that. So I guess if somebody's fucking you can say it, that's crazy. You drink coffee man or no? No. Really? Yeah. I mean, you've had it. I have. Sometimes on vacation, I'll drink it recreationally. It's like every once in a while. Just like a, yeah, it's like a, like a celebration. Yeah, yeah. It's like a I just, like, hate anything that messes. Like, I don't, I don't like any kind of chemicals or anything like that. People, a lot of times, like, there's guys who are, like, kind of, you know, Elon Musk is probably like a socially awkward guy. And I would say that.

I mean, I think it's... Yeah, yeah. We all are. Right. We all are, right? I think we all are. Yeah. And it's interesting that there's, like, probably people have, I mean, have you ever felt socially awkward over your years?

No, I'm really smooth. Okay. No, no, no, obviously. Yes. Yeah, I'm like the most awkward person. People have been calling me a robot online for 20 years. It does wonders for my confidence. No, your confidence cannot be impaled, I don't think.

That's one thing you have. That's probably a sheer North Star inside of you. It's got to be... You might have become bulletproof. I think there's times where, yeah, you seem like a guy who probably like watched a video of how to be a guy on YouTube or something, you know. But I think we all go through, like, we're all, like, awkward in different ways. You know, you put you in certain environments, and you're not at all.

But I think it's interesting that there's... I haven't found those environments yet, but maybe, you know, it's a... Dude, even being here today, bro, is nice of you. What's, like, one of your fears? Like, what's a fear you have of AI? Like, if you have, like, a fearful space that it could go. Like, I know you mentioned it a little bit. This morning, I was testing our new model, and I got a question.

I got emailed a question that I didn't quite understand. And I put it in the model. this GPT 5 and it answered it perfectly. And I really kind of sat back in my chair. And I was just like, oh man, here it is moment. There's a lot of people that talk to chat GBT all day long.

There are these sort of new AI companions that people talk to like they would, a girlfriend or a boyfriend. And we were talking earlier about how it's probably not been good for kids to like grow up like on the dopamine hit of scrolling. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, do you think that that how do you keep like AI from having that same effect, like that negative effect that social media really has had.

I'm scared of that. I don't have an answer yet. I don't think we know quite the ways in which it's going to have those negative impacts. But I feel for sure it's going to have some and we'll have to, I hope we can learn to mitigate it quickly. Can AIs, can they pull up pornography and stuff like that too or now? Sure. Oh my God. God, I didn't know that. You know, I brought you a present today. Did you really? Yeah. I always like to share new products that I find useful in my life.

And this is a dick laser. Oh, damn. What it is is it's like a laser pointer that is a dick that projects dicks. Oh, really? Yeah. So if anyone's running their mouth too much in here, look at your shoe. Look what I put on your shoe right there. Whoa, that's cool.

That's pure cock, huh? It's pure cock. There's some variable settings on there, too, I think, where you can kind of change what nasty stuff you put. That's the PG end right there. That's just your light. The other end is where you get the dick right there. Oh. So this is where you find a suspect like that.

Yeah. And then the other one's where you embarrass them. Wow. Dude, thank you, bro. Yeah, you're welcome. I think you could use that. Anytime anyone's talking too much in here, you just throw one of those across their forehead and it will shut them up fast. Oh, you know who I saw yesterday speaking on social media?

The Rizzler. You ever seen this kid? Oh, I've seen the Rizzler, yeah. Dude, I met him in person. Yes. I'm having dinner, right? I was having dinner. I look over and it's a kid.

And you don't want to look for too long because it's like, it's just not something you do. And look at him. Look at him, dude. Oh, and you got a pick with him, too. I love it, man. I was so excited. But it's kind of weird because you don't want to be like, I'm talking to a kid or whatever. And then, but definitely, dude, I'll say this.

Wait, where were you guys out? Is that Craig's? I went to Craig's dinner. The Ristler's just hanging. it out of Craig. It blew my mind. There was like some guy in there who had like overdosed on age or something, like some super old guy.

He was like, I'm a producer, you know? He was like, I produced the Mayflower or whatever. I was like, that was a fucking boat. That was a boat in 1800s. But yeah, anyway, this was like, this is the coolest thing that ever happened. So I was so excited. And not to snitch on him, whatever. First of all, he had two Pepsi's or whatever past 8 p.m., which I think he's.

Yeah, that's late. He's going to, the bedtime stories won't work anymore. They'll be up all night. Yep. Yeah, that's a little late. And some people say his grades have been suffering. And I'm like, well, I think he's evolved past grades, right? He's never going to have to learn anything.

He's just going to be able to do whatever he wants in this world, I think. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. It's a lot. You got the fourth grade coming up, huh? Mm-hmm. Is that true? Yeah.

Okay. How were you feeling about it? Good. I want to blow that campbell so bad. You do? All right. How about this? You answer this next question.

I'll let you blow it out. Okay. What's one of your biggest fears about the fourth grade coming up? Something that you might, that's, you know, got you maybe a little bit nervous. I don't know. I'm not very nervous. Really? Yeah.

All right. Deal. Yes. Yeah. You got to get on top of that bad boy. Yeah. There we go Look at that smoke

Oh yeah Tell me about it, brother Hit some over here I'm gonna call my sponsor brother Good, yeah That's what I'm talking about, brother God, I'll forget light up a whole A couple pounds of that

Now it smells even better in here It does, I love that It's like a birthday It's like when you get a birthday cake And get to blow it out Yeah That's the best man What is your mom about

There's gloves in my pocket. Are there really? Let me see him. Are you a criminal? What is these for crime or whatever? You guess so. You guess so? I don't know.

Oh, yeah. I guess I'm a detective. Ew, oh yeah, I'm a detective now, huh? Check this for fingerprints, eh? Yeah, I like that, huh? BLM, mommy, this is dope. I like that. Yeah.

Dude, what if you do the dark wrist? Finger print. No, uh. Who's is that? An elf? I don't know. Probably an elf. Yeah, probably just some local scoundrel.

Dude, you ever do this in the glove? What's that like? Ooh. That's really... It's a black tie affair, huh? Mm-hmm. They smell pretty good. Yeah.

What's one of your favorite smells you think? Sharpies. Brother. Let's like that candle again, huh? Do you think the Bill Belichick thing has adjusted the dating, the way that dating is looked? Because it's kind of a big,

like he kind of opened the portal. Like the portal's open for older men. Yeah, my parents have a big difference too. Yeah, totally. I mean, this is a huge difference. I don't know how many years is it? I also changed my probably 50 years, bro. No, Riley Mao.

How many years difference? Or in 74, I believe. That's 50. No. Bro, that is 50, man. I just crunch the numbers. I don't know if those are the actual ages, but that is 50. What do you say to people who say that's 50, dude?

But the only thing is I change my opinions a lot. So if this could be outdated, like, I'll change my opinion on this tomorrow. Dude, all I'm saying is the portal is open for old man and young women. This is the, I mean, the portal's open now. And it's probably easier than ever to meet them. There's probably, there's so many apps and stuff. where you can, and I don't, and girls seem to be really attracted to guys who have money and guys who are successful and they don't seem to care about looks and it doesn't seem like they care

about age as much. Is that true? Is that crazy to say? People look younger than ever kind of, how, what age difference are they? Can you just fucking tell me a number? Sorry, Riley, but damn. You fucking have a computer you're working with. Never mind. No, Jesus Christ. Just stick to, My on and off again, girlfriend, she's only 25. She's in Columbia, January 7th of this year, how she hit me with a pot of fettuccini noodles that I was boiling. I'm frying some chicken parmesan making the fettuccini noodles and making the vegetables.

And then when I was moving out of the kitchen, she began looking at the stuff on the stove, and I was hoping that she did not grab the chicken parmesan with the vegetable oil in it. And instead, she grabbed the pot with my fettuccini, and I said to her, don't do it. If you do it, you're going to go to jail. And then she picked it up, and as I turned to run, I felt it hit me. And when it hit me, I ran out of my door, and I was screaming, ah, you really burnt me.

And then my dog, Snowy, Snowy started trying to attack her then. How did that feel when that first hit you, man? When that Cheney hit you, bro, what it is? It stung. It stung something fierce. I screamed, ah, the shit stings. And I ran out my door and I said to her, you burnt me. There you are right now.

And that's it. Damn, look at this shit here. You look like a model in one of those, like, fashion shows or something. And what my friend said to me was, This is like some BCBR GMAX's area, bro. You look like a damn blackstronaut, bro. You got you fucking look like you're going to space right there. I'll show my wife's penis if you want to me.

She wouldn't care. You're right. Yeah, she wouldn't care. Oh, dude. Maybe just do a drawing of it for me. Okay, all right. You think? Just show it.

I'll kind of go like this a little. All right. I won't show it on camera just because... No, no, just show it to me. I don't want to see all of it at once. Oh, yeah, yeah. I can't show it all on camera because she's a lady. She wouldn't care for that.

No lady wants their penis shown completely on camera. for sure. Dude, I don't even want to fucking look at it. Oh, I won't show it if you don't want to look at it. No, I'm, I'm okay. I like, um, let me see here. Hold on, you, you, you can, I won't just, I won't just hit you with it. Yeah, it's no surprise. You don't be like, let me find an acceptable photo that she would be, uh, that she would be proud of. Okay. Uh, no, that she wouldn't like that. That's a video. Um, I'll find one for you. Yeah, take your time. I'm going to think about something else for a minute.

All right. You want to see? Yeah, hold on. Okay. Yeah. Whoa, brother. What the heck? Oh, my God, Jim. Your wife has that? That's my lady.

That's my best gal. Wow. That is a tall pussy. She's a tall lady. She's a tall lady. Oh, that thing's in 4-H, huh? Yeah. Oh, you got to spray some round-up on that.

Because back then, in this. the UK, nobody was doing YouTube, you know. It was, it was just a weird thing for someone to do, for a stand-up to do. People, other stand-ups would be like, oh, yeah, he's just a YouTuber, you know, that kind of, I remember that? Slur, right? Yeah, YouTube-ah. Yeah, YouTuber, ugh. But, no hard R on it. YouTube-a. Yeah, that's crazy, dude. YouTuber, please. Yeah, dude. Oh, have you heard that song, YouTubers can be gay, too? Yeah. Have you heard it?

I watch it right. You got to hear this song. It's great. It's just like a, it's a summer bop that's really taken over. And then we'll get back to this. This isolation is. Let me explain this to you. Niggas can be gay too.

Hell yeah. That's in your car. He can say this in your car. Yeah. Yeah, you just say this to your friend. He's not wrong, though. They can't be gay. Oh, he's definitely, I support this guy.

Yeah. Hey, this guy has a vote for me, bro. It needs to be said. Yeah. There's too much toxic masculinity in that N-word community sometimes. Yeah. You've got to let the air out the tire a little. That's what I'm saying, boy.

Sometimes the best seasoning is a little bit of zest. Yeah. Yeah, ginger's traveling in packs is a dangerous, dangerous thing. You know, we don't really see each other like that. You know, like, we don't, when I see another red, there was a red-headed girl yesterday working this event that we were at, and she was like, my brother, and I said, let's take it easy, because I don't know if you're an enemy or a friend yet.

You know, a regular person I meet on the street, hey, how you doing? Another redhead, I go, I like to see the resume first before I let you into my space. Because I don't know what kind of ginger they are. There's different levels. Really? Is there really? Oh, big time. It's almost like black people in that albino guy or whatever.

You know that guy I'm talking about? That undercover black guy. Bring that guy up. Yeah. That's got to be, there's got to be a vetting process, you know? Like can the albino black guy, does he say the N word? Bring up a couple albigas.

Is that a term or not? It is now, dude. Can we say that or not? Look at that. Black albino guy with red hair. Oh, that's what the fuck is all. Bro, that is the future, dude. Bro, take my money, bro.

Whatever he's selling And I don't know if that's more me or more If he's more red or more black I don't know what group he'd go with I mean he's invited to the cookout And he has to have ring sunscreen Which is wild That's fucking

Sunlight Jackson homie Are you kidding me Dude are we gonna get trouble For saying how bigas I feel like I don't know I'm gonna have a little sip of Celsius Because I need to pick me up Have you ever had this before?

No not this no Is it good? Yeah Yeah It's great I saw it's grape, so it's, like, really good. I'm going to have to try this stuff. Can you have a little bit?

Yeah. No alcohol. No alcohol. Okay. So what does they have? It's like water? Ooh, mine's cherry cola flavored. It's like spicy stuff.

It's like a little bit of ADD kind of. Oh, dude. This stuff actually tastes like, like the grapes that you squeeze out of the, like, not the grapes that you eat from the store, but like the Amish grapes that you can buy. Like the ones that you squeeze out of the. what do you call that? The skin? Have you ever had those grapes where you just squeeze them out

and you swallow them? Uh-uh. Yeah, it tastes just like this. Really? Yeah. Let's get a look at those Amish purple grapes. Yeah, that's how they look. And those, you know how the stores?

Like, they have no seats in them. Like, these have, like, a seed in them. You just squeeze them out, and then you swallow them because if you try to eat them, like, chew on them, like you just bite into the seat and stuff. Oh, you just squeeze them out? This actually tastes exactly like that, so it must be very natural. Yes, sir.

It's the best, man. It's very good. That'll get you home, brother. That'll get you home. Yeah. So I saw that does have caffeine in it? Yeah, it has a little bit of caffeine. So I'll be, like, moving around.

Yeah, you'll be feeling something. Yeah. Dude, that was the best. I don't know if you were recording, but I mentioned before that, that dude was awesome. And you said you were in contact with him. Yeah. And my question was, how? Dude, we got to send you over there to see that guy.

I would love to hang with that, dude. Some things I take for granted. Oh, yeah. When he was just, like, stoked to, like, get in a corvette with, like, two chicks. And he's like, that was, like, my whole life. And I'm like, aw. It was pretty fast, too. Yeah, he goes.

Press the pedal. Yeah. So it made me super reflective, like, and, like, one, I thought he was adorable. Yeah, he's a nice kid. Yeah, nice and, like, very honest and earnest. But I also was just like, man, I got to stop, like, take a shit like that for granted. I mean, I filmed episodes we did an episode about assassins that was just a couple of miles from my home in L.A. And I interviewed an assassin, a guy who's paid to kill.

Just a couple of miles in L.A. And undisclosed location, but in L.A., not far from my house. It's insane. And so we met. And so we get there. He's on, he's at night undisclosed. place, but very close to my home. And he's waiting outside the car. And the moment I get there, you could see he's like jittery and nervous and not happy. And he was there because his friend asked

for this favor. And in his case, sometimes it's easier for me to sort of have that human connection and try to talk about how I want to understand what they do. His case, he was just not. He was like, okay, here are the ground rules. And he said it immediately. See this? First thing, he pulled out his gun. He said, showed me his gun. He's like, if this is a fucking setup, if the police shows up, I'm going to point this, I'm going to shoot you all of you. You and your team are all dead. It's like, okay. And so the rest of the interview was me being super afraid that what if police shows up? Not because I'm there, but what if they just, what if a car just drives by? And he's going to think it's speaker's right. What if some chubby cops hiding from his shift over here right off the

edge of this DSW shoes or something? Exactly. So I was so scared. I was so scared. And I think it was the shortest interview we've ever done. I think it lasts like 15, 20 minutes. but also because, you know, there's the initial questions is what do you do, how often have you done it, why do you do it, how do you live with yourself doing this kind of thing? I always, the accountability questions, I always ask them. But the part that he didn't like, it wasn't actually like, do you know that you're doing harm to people, this is what you're doing is horrible. Like, do you feel guilty about this? The questions he didn't actually like was when I started asking him, he says, I only kill men, no women and children. And I asked him, but do you have children?

And basically, obviously, I was trying to get to the point that even if the child isn't killed, their parent, the dad is killed. That's horrible and traumatic. But he's already better than Netanyahu, no. He was like, don't ask me questions about my children. Don't, you're trying to get all soft on me. He got, he was like his macho persona was getting, you know, he didn't like that. He didn't like talking about his children. No.

Because it probably made things very personal for him. Yeah. Yeah, I think part of his persona being a hipman. is that he, you know, you can't show emotion. Right. And so I was threatening to him in the sense that I was trying to get emotion out of him and he was not okay with it.

And he said, is this over? And yeah, and then we left. Theo, you're going to be the primary in this one, okay? You got it. The subject's name is Michael Brady. He goes by Mike. Okay, sir. Hello?

Hey, Mike. Yeah, who is this? This is Theo, actually. I'm the, I'm working. I'm here today, man. just um i really screwed up didn't i man i think it seems like you've had a tough day i have had a tough day but i mean i i screwed up this time didn't i i think you're probably enough to answer some questions you know but i think everything's going to be okay man how's it going to be okay

this girl this girl's pregnant man i mean how am i going to face anyone after this well i think you're going to have to her dad's going to be pissed Yeah, I mean, yeah, people are going to be upset. I'm not thinking about her dad. I'm thinking about my family. Okay, people are getting, yeah, it's going to be, yeah, man, it sucks. It does suck. It sucks.

But here we are. Yeah. I mean, how am I going to face my son? Your son's pretty upset right now. Yeah, he is. Of course he is. I knocked up a 14-year-old girl. I'm a youth pastor in a church.

I teach you to school. My life is over. Give me a good reason why I shouldn't just put this thing to my head and blot my brains out. Because your son's life is still around. And that's not what he needs right now. Probably right about that. But you know, how can I face him, man?

I think you call him first. Call him and say what? What would you say in that situation? I don't know. I don't know. I would say, I would tell him. Tell him the truth, I would say I messed up. And you think that's the answer?

Tell him I messed up. I know I messed up. I think it's part of it. I know you know you did, but he probably doesn't know what's going on. He doesn't. Is he out there right now? Yeah. You want me to put him on?

Would you? Yeah. Okay. How do you feel? How do you think you did? Was that intense? It is intense. It is intense.

Fuck, it's intense. Because you're like, even if you get to that part, Is he just going to tell the son goodbye? Exactly. See, you are super wise, brother. That's exactly why we wouldn't put the sun on the phone. Because that's exactly what he would likely do.

He would try, he would likely, and so this is why we train. This is why we train. We had some of the guy cut off his own d'b-and threw it on the sidewalk. Oh, for what? Because he was, he was crazy. He was mentally ill, but we don't know any of this. So the call came in in the morning. I was on the way in.

It was early in the morning. It was cold out. I remember that. Oh, yeah. I have the radio on, and I hit the dispatcher, call a car, and then start to laugh. And then she says, disregard. We don't know what's happened. So I'm driving to the station.

And then a call comes in again, sending a different car, because it was like the midnight shift ending. Sending a different car, hey, can you go to this location? Someone said this is a male end, a piece of male anatomy on the sidewalk. And we were all laughing. We thought it was a dildo. We thought it was a joke. That's why the dispatcher was laughing. He just thought it was like a WMBA game or whatever.

Exactly. It wasn't green. call comes in like 10 minutes later and my detective that I was working with the time looked it up on the computer to see the text of the call like what does this actually say and then we saw that the caller was from a nearby health center

and it's just said there's you know it appears to be a penis on the ground there's blood everywhere we're like oh shit that's that's not fake so we would do what we call John Stings and we'd put ads online back page doesn't exist anymore but we put them on that so we'd all put our ads up

and then you know you put on eight At 8.30, your phone's ringing. It's crazy. 8.30 in the morning, they're already starting to call, and we'd set up our dates for the day. Like, we'd have a hotel room. And we'd be waiting in the hotel room and we'd have dates set up every half an hour to show up.

And were you hiding under the bed? No, no, it's hiding under the bed. I would have to open the door and there'd be, like, guys in the bathroom, officers in the bathroom behind the wall. So my trick was, I was at, like, 45, 46 when I was doing it. And my ad, I'm supposed to be 34. I didn't fucking look 34, but I'd have, like, my hair.

Oh, you would be the girl? I was a prostitute, yeah. What? Yeah. So I'd have to talk to them on the phone. What were y'all understaffed or something? They just shouldn't have you also the detective. Well, no, you have to have, you're the one establishing probable cause.

So if someone else is doing it and then you have to like go testify in court, well, you're not the one that had the interaction with them. So what we do, we put our out online, you'd put your photos and some stupid saying like, you know, what you're offering and how much a cause. And of course it's acronyms for everything. That's what I didn't know anything about this before. start about GFE, which is girlfriend experience, just means he'll kiss you. Full service means like sex and a blowjob. And then there's like Russian and Greek and there's all these stupid acronyms for everything else.

And they thought they were being clever by saying, oh, I want GFE. So they're not asking for sex. Oh, I see. So by them saying, I want GFE or I want Russian or I want this, they think they're being clever, except you can say like, well, based on my training experience, I know Russian means titty job, like, or whatever. And then so you talk, they call you on the phone. The tidied job.

Yeah, that's a Russian, by the way. I didn't know that. I'll take it. I mean, whatever they're, you know, I mean, it is. I'm sorry. Yeah, that's okay. So you'd basically talk to them on the phone. They call you.

And some of them are real nervous, obviously. You could tell the long time, or say they got right to business. And some of them want to flirt with you on the phone or whatever. Can you send pictures of your eyes or your feet? The foot fetish guys are out there big time. But, and then you're like, the more you do it, I don't have time for the shit. Like, do you want to come, you were showing up or not? So you'd basically make the arrangement.

So once they showed up, you already have probable cause. They already agreed to pay you for sex before they ever showed up. So then by them showing up at the hotel, they're like basically completing the entire elements of the crime. They showed up. They already agreed to pay you for such and such. So then you can arrest them. Right when they get there, really? Yeah.

The amount of content that was being uploaded to Pornhub, if you put those videos back to back, just the amount of content they would upload in one year, it would take 169 years to watch if you put those videos back to back. That's how much content was being uploaded. Uploaded, or had been uploaded total, you mean? No, per year. Wow. Yes.

That's not even counting the images. Unbelievable. So I tested the, I found out, like I said, what millions of people already knew, and that was that all it took to upload was an email address. So in under 10 minutes, anybody with an iPhone, anywhere in the world, can upload a video, and they were not checking age, they were not checking ID. to make sure that these are not children in the videos. They're not verifying consent to make sure that these are not rape or trafficking victims.

And because of that, I quickly understood that Porn Hub was not a porn site. It was a crime scene. Like, it was infested with videos of real sexual crime. And then, of course, because there's the algorithm, right? They have set up the algorithm to make sure if you see one video like that, they're going to assume that you like that content. So then they're going to take you on a crazy rabbit hole. I call it like, you know, just hellhole of rape.

Like, that's what it was. And then you go and they'll show you more and more of the same kind of thing, you know. And so then the people would upload them and then make money what off of advertising on them somehow? Yes. Yeah. So the ones that were making money off of this content because this is free porn, right? Right. Free porn's not free, right?

It is heavily monetized with. ads. So they were selling 4.6 billion ad impressions on Pornhub every single day. But that's the whole point of America is that we have like standards of decency, fairness. I love that you use that work because that is the core of it. It's fairness. Justice is overused. Fairness is underuse. It's just a child knows what's fair. If his brother's getting three Oreos and he's getting one, that's just unfair. He doesn't have a degree in economics. He just feels it. He knows it. The sense of fairness is innate. Dogs have it because it's part. of the natural fabric. It's organic. And we are a fair country. And the rich man gets the same

treatment in the justice system as the poor man. It doesn't matter where you're from. You're both citizens and you're both equal because you're both created by God. That's our whole system in one sentence. And that is being eroded because the people who run our system agree with Smotrich and every other third world dictator. These people are damned by their birth, whatever they are. That's what affirmative action is. It's like, no. I don't like the way your parents looked. You don't get the job. What?

That's what we hated about the Nazis. What we hated about segregation, which I want to say was evil. Segregation was evil. Why? Because it punished some people and rewarded others on the basis of things

they couldn't control their skin color. Yeah, and we'd had mixed babies a lot sooner, too, which are pretty cute a lot of them. And the Epstein thing, you know, I've never understood what the justification for keeping that information secret.

Epstein was murdered in prison. Okay. I know a lot about it. I'm not just throwing that out there. Epstein was murdered in prisons. Well, they put him with a cellmate that was kind of a crazy like former police officer, right?

Yeah, a former police officer killed a number of drug dealers. I'm not saying that guy did it, but I'm saying, well, I asked Bureau of Prisons because I learned all the stuff about it because I know Epstein's brother Mark well. And I never expected to get down

this rabbit hole at all. I had the guy called me like a week after his brother was killed. Mark did? Yeah, and yeah, I was literally sitting in my backyard in Maine, and he called me, and I don't know how he got my cell. And it ended up this years-long thing. It's not interesting, and I won't bore you with it. But the bottom line

is, Jeff Epstein was murdered in federal lockup in Manhattan in the secure unit. I think there were only 16 men on the unit, and I think only 14 there that I may have that slightly wrong, but it's very small, and it's the most secure federal lockup in the United States, and he got murdered in it. So that raises all kinds of obvious questions. Like, who is the power to do that? So it's a big deal. And then, the attorney general at the time helped cover it up. And I know him. And Bill Barr. So I, and I say that. And he's like, I'm going to sue you. And I said, go ahead and sue me. I hope you will. Israel is actually the exception. They are the only country that's allowed to lobby Americans.

Like everyone else has to register as, you know, a foreign agent under FARA. Like with APAC or whatever? Yeah. So APAC, the backstory, by the way, before JF, K got shot. He was fighting A-PAC. They were previously called, I'm blanking on this. It was, you can look it up. And he was literally saying, you have to register under the Foreign Act. And then he, A-Pak got lucky because he got shot and killed. Also, you could, like... And then, of course, we're not allowed to read the files, but leading up to his death, he was having arguments with the prime minister, Ben Gereon. And so it's like, yes, is Israel doing it legally because a president got shot? Sure. But it's

wrong. A country should not be able to lobby to get what they want and control our congressmen. And you get to see them flex that muscle like TikTok and things of nature when they, when they are now interfering with our speech and they'll get laws passed really quickly. It allows literally a foreign country to make decisions in our nation. Lobbying should just not be allowed full stop. So instead they go, oh, we're focusing on it because they're Jewish. No, you're just the only country that's allowed to do it.

I would feel the same way of China. If there was a Chinese lobby. Is China allowed to do it? No, there's no other country that's allowed to do this, but Israel. Only APEC. There's no other country. There's a conflict that's been happening in the Middle East. People know about it between Israel and Palestine and some of the areas over there,

the Gaza area they talk about. And I just think it feels to me, I don't know if I, it just feels to me like it's a genocide that's happening while we're alive here in front of our, in front of our lives. and I don't sometimes I feel like I should say something I'm not a geologist or geographer or anything like that you know so I don't know a lot of the some of it I do know though like I know the basics of the issues over there but for me it's just like how I feel like you see all these photos of people just children women people body parts just people like putting their kids back together and I just can't believe

that we're watching that and that more isn't said about it and so I'm not saying anyone else needs to say anything but I think I'm just that more isn't said about it by me so I just I want to be able to speak up about that

that I think we're watching probably like you know one of the sickest things that's ever happened and I'm sorry if I've kind of haven't said about it. I've tried to talk about it and learn about it. But I don't know. Maybe I just want to, I just wanted to say something.

I don't even know what to do. You know, and it's crazy because our country is also complicit in it. You know, it's in it and has been for a long time. And it's just kind of interesting because then you just realize, oh, well, I'm just a, yeah, I'm a member of this country, but I'm just what we want sometimes doesn't matter you know

and you just have to be a member of a place and your government is making other choices so I don't know if I I don't know if I said that correctly or I don't even know exactly what I said but I just I just have it's just like been making me really sick

and I feel like I just needed to say something that I think you don't have to think that I'm not asking you to do anything but I just have to say that so I'm not sitting by you know there's that piece inside of me like why can you say something

you know there's people that can't even speak and you can say something you know and so that's how I just had to just speak up anyway I think maybe it's starting to make it about me there at the end but um yeah so just praying for those people and just the grief that that is all going to cause you notice like

what are we doing what were situations like with children there and providing care to children like what was the realities of that like was was were you able to like save any like keep them from the gore like was there you know because usually you know a lot of times with in there's like children's hospitals and those hospitals, and then there's places for kids, right? It's a little bit different and less severe. What was that like there? So there was a kid's hospital, but it wasn't the trauma hospital. So all the kids' trauma still came to Noster Hospital.

They're right next to each other. And so we were seeing all the kid trauma as well. And the kid trauma was different, man. Just so, you know, difficult to see and experience. It was difficult to process, difficult to treat, difficult to talk to the family members with these children. I mean, you're seeing kids as young as one, you know, sometimes, you know, infants. But majority of them are like, you know, young boys, young girls.

And just why? In the Conunis, there's a tent city, one-third of Gaza, all live in this place called Mawasi camp. I'll sort of you a picture of this. And it's just tents. Like, you literally just find a plot of land. You put your tent down and you have like 20 family members living in there. Yeah. So, like, each one of those is a tent, right?

Oh, that's pretty crazy looking? Yeah, it's not like just you and your wife. You and your wife and your family and kids and in-laws. So this is kind of the new Gaza here. It's one-third of Gaza's right here. What's the vibes here, man? I know that's a crazy thing to say like it's a damn nightclub or something. But I mean, shit, but it's like...

They got a bouncer up front. You know, you see kids playing on trampolines. You see kids being kids. Yeah. You see fathers kind of, you know, Salkin, trying to figure out, like, what to do. you see mothers kind of just hiding in their tents trying to take care of the little ones you see grandpa's kind of like

hanging out with other grandpas you see what you would expect a normal life to be and that's what it is these people are normal civilians just living their life I just I fear what's going to happen in the next generation like we're going to see some not only psychological diseases

psychiatric diseases but also literally physical diseases that's going to come about the more we learn about history and the more we learn about about just like the like well America did these things and some of it 9-11 could have been the result of some of that just as more as you start to learn that America hasn't always been this perfect partner and this that it just starts to test like okay well what does it mean to be an American to me but then at the same time you need to be an American because you live

in a country that's safe and you're able to operate here within the country so it's I don't know just makes it kind of interesting. Does that make sense? No, I get it. What you're exhibiting is a very normal contradiction that a lot of Americans, when faced with the reality of American foreign policy, they come to terms with this. Like, they try to resolve this contradiction, where on the one hand, you're saying, well, I'm an American. I like the security blanket that I exist under, right? But also simultaneously, but simultaneously you're like, but damn, we're doing a lot of fucked up shit around the world. I mean, look, I'm a, people always yell at me and say, oh, Hassan, you only say America bad,

but I don't just stop at that. Like, I want America to be good. I think America has an incredible potential. It's the wealthiest nation on the planet. It should be doing so much more to help its own citizens and so much more to lead the way, pave the way for a new evolution of the way that we look at international relations. on the way that we engage with conflict. But the reason why America is the way it is is because I see it as basically, you know, 50 corporations in a trance suit.

Like it's just, it's a holdover to extract tax revenue from everyday Americans and then give it directly back to corporations in the form of subsidies without ever regulating them and, you know, demanding anything in return. Lincoln, as a young lawyer, not yet 29 years old, 28 years old, addresses the young men's lyceum in Springfield, Illinois, and they're discussing foreign policy. And he says, whence shall we expect the approach of danger? Shall some transatlantic giants step the earth and crush us at a blow? And then he answers its own question. Never. All the armies of Europe, Asia, and Africa could not by force. Take a drink in the Ohio River or make a track in the Blue Ridge in a trial of a thousand

years. If destruction be our lot, we must ourselves be its author and finisher. We are a nation of free men who will live forever or die by suicide. Wow. So there's our challenge, right? You want to get self-involved. You want to make your neighbor, your enemy. You want to make lots of them. Then you are headed towards that self-destruction that Lincoln's talking about. You want to figure out what we share in common, this corny sort of civic, virtue, civic energy that comes from the Declaration of Independence, like how you can work together to do it. And a lot of people who are unbelievable citizens, it's like they go to the school board meeting. They participate in, you know, I live in New England, and we have a town meeting. And, you know, sometimes the

biggest decision is whether to buy a new pumper for the fire department. That's a big deal. That's civics. That's dealing with the stuff. And it's also saying, I've got to vote and I have a responsibility as a citizenship to do it. And then we'll save our country. Then, then, you know, if you like the abstraction of disagreement and violence and all that sort of stuff, or suddenly just because your feed tells you one thing that somebody's an enemy, then you're lost. But if you look across the room and you say, you know, I don't share in common that much with somebody who comes from Louisiana and lives in Tennessee. I was born in Brooklyn and grew up in Delaware and Michigan

and now I've lived in New England for the last, you know, 54 years. What will we have in common? We share a love of those ideas. We share a love of that process, the pursuit of happiness. God. See, the thing is, man, if Trump succeeds at the reshoring effort. With the tariffs. Yeah, that's part of it. But if in general, he gets manufacturing reinvigorated in this country,

then there's going to be a challenge that a lot of people aren't talking about, which is labor. Right. So there's, in January, there were 482,000 open positions in manufacturing in this country, right? $480,000 open positions. If he gets his way and this all gets reinvigorated, you're talking about two or three million new jobs, but there's no workforce sitting there going, this is what I want to do. Or prepare to do it? They're not prepared. So there's a skills gap for sure. Okay.

But there's also a will gap. Right. Donald Trump is going down a road. And if he succeeds, he's going to. create millions of manufacturing jobs in a country that currently has nearly 500,000 manufacturing jobs open because the people who run those factories can't find people who want to do the work. So it's not enough to create the jobs. Right. And look, a lot of your listeners are probably thinking, well, make the pay better. Make it more interesting. Make it more palatable. And we can have

that conversation for sure. But the bigger issue still is there's no enthusiasm for the work. We took shop class out of high school. We robbed kids of the opportunity, even see what that kind of work even looks like. Meanwhile, we told a whole generation of kids they were can screwed if they didn't get a four-year degree. Thomas Massey, thanks for coming in, man. Absolutely. Good to see you, dude. Good to be here. Just had to cross the state border to get here. Yeah, that's what I see from Kentucky. And you drove, like, you just took me into your home, in your camper home vehicle. It's a F-250 with a truck camper, and I lived for two solid years in it, D.C., still occasionally do.

And where would you park that thing at? Well, I don't want to disclose where I park, but I did get in trouble. I parked the truck camper. It's a super duty. It's got a, even though it fits in the back of a pickup, it's got a shower, bathroom, Oh, it felt super when I was in there. That living arrangement in there, I could have definitely cozied up. It felt very cool.

The milk felt cold in there. We had a little cup of milk, which is definitely raw milk. Yeah, I'm sure, hopefully. Don't tell anybody across state lines with that. It's holiday time, and that means sitting down and eating and watching loved ones eat. Sometimes it can get a little chaotic.

I remember my aunt, we went to her house one year, and um she'd made a cornbread dressing type of deal and had not uh cooked it hadn't cooked it forgot she hadn't cooked it and just put it out with the other stuff and everybody ate it and it was just people thought it was just like a weird soup or something and it was horrible but that's life you know holiday meals aren't about perfect food they're just about really getting together and good ranchers helps do that better than anyone good ranchers is locally sourced of meat and poultry. It's the chicken nuggets that they have,

the no seed oils, they do it, it's good for you. And it's made right here in America. A lot of these companies say we're made in America and they're living a lie, but not good ranchers. We've checked them out and they're as true as true can be. Good ranchers offers an e-gift option where you can pick the exact time and date that the email arrives.

Yep. What's that coming down the chimney? Oh, that's a dang email from Good Ranchers. And you can use our code Theo to get $25 off your first order. Plus, they have a subscription model where you can keep it coming. And when you do that, you'll get to pick out which one of their best-selling cuts you want free in every order for life. That's free chicken thighs, free Wagyu burgers, or free bacon in every order for life. You pick one, good ranchers, use code Theo to get $25 off.

I'm going to put you up on some game. When I need more Bitcoin, MoonPay, it's always the first app that I open because it doesn't force you to buy a whole coin, and it's super easy to use. Moon Pay is one of the biggest partners on the show, and I'm excited to share that I've made the decision to accept my compensation from them in Bitcoin

instead of U.S. dollars. That's facts. I'm planning to hold and save that Bitcoin in my Moon Pay account. count. The Bitcoin will sit in a digital MoonPay wallet that nobody can access except for me. The U.S. dollars continues to fluctuate in value, so by making this decision, I'm diversifying my portfolio and hopefully earning more from our partnership than I would have otherwise. Remember, while MoonPay makes buying crypto straightforward, it's essential to do your own

research and understand the risks involved. Crypto trading can be volatile, and you could lose your investment. Moon pay is a tool to facilitate transactions, not a source of financial advice. Trade responsibly. Contraception begins at erection now. So there's a law that they're pushing. Ohio Democratic lawmakers propose conception begins at erection act. Okay. Okay. Yeah. So they're trying to put it on the men a little bit more. So what exactly are they going to do about this now? Well, a new bill in Ohio would make it a crime for men who would ejaculate without intending to have a baby. Oh, wow. That is, that's definitely something that I could see a lot of people probably would be guilty of for sure. Hey, shoot a shoot, you know? Yeah, yeah, I could see that being, I mean,

I don't want to get in too much personal detail, but I think I'd probably be locked up for a long time. Hey, yeah. Oh, we're going to visit Tom this weekend again. Yeah. He's behind bars. Yeah, my gosh. I thought he's going to get paroled. Plenty of time to break the law in jail, though. Yeah, yeah. That's true. $10,000 per discharge. Ooh. That's who, but here's the thing. For discharging or whatever they call it.

And I don't know what they call it in different countries, but they're not going to have an extra 10K on it. You're going to have the court system would be filled with every, every kid in the world, every 14-year-old kid. Yeah, I mean, I'm assuming, yeah, does this, I don't know how much I want to talk about this in detail with you. No, look, I'm going to say, you don't get pregnant. on your own. I was so lucky because you used to do a little sniffy jiffy, I heard. And it is fun. There are negatives, but we always start with the positives, especially about that. If I could afford more when I was parking cars and being a bus boy, I would have definitely gone crazy. I could not, thank God. I could do a quarter gram in a weekend. And I just, I could only

afford 25 bucks. That was it. And even that wasn't money well spent. But don't get all excited. You're I'm getting a boner. It is exciting. I mean, talking about it, doing it, it was fun. It was hard to just quit it, but it's just, I just watch and you go, no way to have a career. There's no way to have anything good with all this pressure and shit you've got to do. And people like to rat you out. And people like to say, this guy, you know, he's a little dish-deesh.

Yeah. A little power flower now and then. So if they start getting that word out there, I luckily never got that word. I didn't do any of the whole S&L. And that's the funniest part is that I did dabbled a little bit. before that, just because I was in fucking showbiz. And you're from Arizona, you're from Scottsdale. Yeah.

Snotsdale, yeah. Well, it doesn't mean, it wasn't really the cocaine capital of the world, but, you know, I was in the comedy biz and a couple guys had it, and I was like, fucking, I would partake just for fun. Yeah. Obviously. And then. Oh, yeah, brother.

But one time I did a lot and I was like, yeah. You know, like I should go to the hospital. Yeah. You know, I keep saying. And then you'll walk over there. That's the craziest is. No, I fucking sprint it. No, because the funny thing is you just turn into John Bonnet, one bump, and I'm like,

oh, my Yankee Doodle Dandy, and I'm feeling great. And then I made my friend drive me, and I got there, and he's like, and it was freezing, and I was shaking and tight, and he goes, you got to go in there. And he goes, but they're going to ask, because I didn't stand up for about a year. Right. And they go, they're going to ask, and they're going to, yeah. They're going to have to call the police. I go, no, no, no, no.

Extra scared. and he cranks the heater on in the car and I'm starting to fucking sweat but this is a good friend because he was there with me for three hours he goes I'll let you you should go in there in a second but just tell me more

and I was calming down this was the trick I didn't know this and my heart was going from like 3,000 over 2,000 to like started to get back to normal and then it got light out

and then I go let's go oh so gross and then I go I'll never do it again four days that are hey dude Yeah.

I'm fucking jenking. Yeah. What a great guy. There's me, and they make me jamming. Oh, yeah. That's why people gravitate to you because there's nobody like you. Well, thanks, man. I feel the same about you.

I feel like everybody does. And you have a statue of me at your house. So, you know. So, yeah. Thank you, man. Yeah, thank you for letting them even do that statue. What was that whole deal like with them, with Michaels? That's where I got mine at, was that Michaels.

Right. Yeah. Did you do a, it wasn't a collab or what was it? No. No, they just robbed my image and likeness because they could. That's enough, man. Because they were doing it for religious purposes. Oh, yeah.

I allowed it to be. Well, thank you. We wish you a black Christmas. Hey, man, look, I'd be honored to have one. I'd be honored to have one. Yeah, man. Because, yeah, when I met that guy there, he said we got two left, man, you know. And there was 200.

And one of them was marked down because they had a chip in it. But it's still, man, it's an honor. I keep it up in my house year round. And people walk in and they're like, no way. That's Cat William right there. It is. And it's beautiful, man. Thank you.

Yeah. This was in Covington, Louisiana. But yeah, they had about 13 miles from Slidell. Yeah, there you go. Wow. Map Williams in the building, baby. Right. But, and that's when I realized.

Don't let me go girt. Everybody's everything. Dude, what about being the first gay dude ever? It must have been crazy because imagine everybody's straight, right? and you wake up or something happens you get hit by lightning or whatever and suddenly you're gay and you're like oh my God

like you're just talking to your buddy who you've talked to every day for years and you're just like thinking like I'm gonna stuff his fucking face with some wiener and you're like what and then you like don't imagine that because then you have to take some other guy aside or somebody aside

and be like hey this is gonna seem totally crazy to you guys but I keep thinking about coming on Jacob or whatever, you know? And people were like, yeah, that does sound crazy. Don't tell anyone that. Don't tell anyone that.

You're the only one that thinks that. I'm the guy trying to jerk me off in the back of a bus in Vietnam. You did? Yeah. And the guy was gay? I... I don't fucking know what their...

I don't know some of what their culture is. That's a big sign, usually. Dude, they're starving over there. They could have been ordering suit. Dude, any joke that ends in soup, Jewish people love it for some reason. I'm listening. It's a little cold. I'll eat half and send it back, but I like that joke.

I'll eat half that joke and send it back. Hold on almost done. There's our hair and hair. It's the biggest problem with Jews going bald. They can't send soup back. And I was just calling to ask. I, uh, well, I'm secretly gay. Oh, secretly gay, the fella said. Let's hear more.

I haven't told a lot of people. And I want to figure out how I can tell my mom. And I thought I could get some advice on here. Okay, brother. Yeah, thank you for calling, dude. And congratulations on your gay ship or whatever. It's called Gay-Dem or whatever. being gay um i mean there's different ways you could go about it you could do something you know kind of fun you could do just like a knock knock who's there i'm gay you know that old trick or whatever or or you could get a deck of cards right you could write i'm a gay son on each one put them like that have her pick one out say pick one out and read it and bam you don't even

say nothing she says it and then you could be like what the fuck do you mean you know you could uh roll switch or whatever so that's it you know that's reverse psychology dude so that's something that's crazy me and big x we almost did a song um but i don't know i didn't i actually sent him a song and he didn't finish it so i don't know that's on him um i guess i don't know what he was doing. He was jail. Did he? I think so.

For what? Not a long time. Not long enough. I went to jail too, man. Hey, he became. We're doing. Hey, if you behind bars, write a couple. Yeah.

You're on a pretty famous, like, text chain with, like, other SEC coaches. This is alleged. Yeah. Kirby Smart, uh, Sarkisian. Who, what are the vibes on the chain, I feel like? Like, what is it like on there? I feel like I keep it together. like I keep the group together

because like one will beat the other or they'll say something and they kind of like get mad at each other and then they won't like text for a week if like you beat him then he doesn't text for a week or if they're playing each other that week they certainly are going to say anything

and I'm like guys and by you beat him it means you when you guys beat Georgia last year but go on I feel it but then I just say something that night right you know like hey man like you'll probably get us next year

you know like they don't like they don't think that's funny you know like then one of side texts me like hey man you shouldn't have said that Kirby's pissed off you know And I'm like, dude, it's just a game. Relax. We're buddies.

Do you guys vote on how another coach gets into the text chain? What is the... Yeah. There's been conversations about that. Really? I just kind of... I actually have a... They may not know this.

We're giving a lot of information out today. Appreciate you coming, so, you know, kind of give you some special insight. I have multiple ones. So sometimes I'll say something. That guy's not in it. And that guy's, you know, then this guy's in it. And so, like, I kind of make sure I know who's in them,

you know, when I say certain things. And then every once in a while, I got somebody who does something. And then I love, I move them out of the chat. No. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

It's happened, you know. Jimbo Fisher removed from chat. RIP. And then, like, then I'll, like, put them back in. Yeah. But, and just put them on the bench. And they're, like, typical coaches. They don't know how to remove somebody or add somebody.

Oh, yeah. So it's, like, pretty cool that I can do it. And they're like, how do you do that? Yeah. Yeah, Lane's one of them tech wizards, yeah. Yeah, yeah, coaches are a little behind time. That's a big deal to be able to remove somebody from which head, like, whoa, he must really like have somebody teaching him this stuff.

Yeah, dude, the Scots, man, they're fascinating. They're just fascinating. You'd almost, like, I wouldn't be surprised if you was in the U.S., you know, or you're in a zoo and they had a couple in there somewhere. Like, you know, they're taking care of and everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, drinking sort of like. They're healthy in there, yelling at you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, screaming.

at the fences and stuff like yeah yeah exactly yeah yeah sounds that sounds like us we're singing like a good do they have like a lot of good like Scottish songs and stuff oh flout of Scotland when will we see your like again and fought in night for your wee bit hill and glim that stood against him Proud Edward's army and sent him homeward to think again. Come on, that's got us. That's a good one that we've got. We've also got, what's your name? Ali, Bally, Ali Bally, B, sitting on your mommy's knee.

That's a good one. I don't know when it goes after that. Well, that one ends in the courts, I think. It sounds like, you know. Exactly. It sounds like a domestic dispute. kind of, you know? As soon as I tell people I grew up in South Carolina,

they're always like, oh, must have been so racist, all the stuff. And of course, there's moments where it wasn't nice and whatever. Like people calling you almost inward or something like that? Oh, inward, not almost. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. Well, those people are nearsighted or whatever, I feel like.

I don't know. That's crazy. But there was also, I feel like, you know, there was a time I was writing something and I asked my parents to just tell me, like, I didn't want to write stuff about people being racist to people I wanted to write something positive

so I was like tell me things you remember that were positive like experiences you had you know being as someone because you know my parents are there in the 80s yeah it was different for sure they don't people there

didn't even know what Indian people were they didn't see them in the culture they didn't see nothing they didn't understand it looks like a black person that they didn't finish the job on or whatever

kind of you know no judgment that let's just make sure that quote is attributed to You have a new show that definitely, like, sparked me up. It's animals on drugs. That's right. We're texting when I was in Columbia.

That's right. Yeah. Yeah, it's on HBO Max as of, like, yesterday, I think. Oh, yeah, dude. I was just like, dude, send me a gift from Columbia so I can snort it, brother. But take me through this show, Animals on Drugs. Because, you know, they had like the cocaine bear. Uh-huh.

Cocaine bear, the movie. Cocaine bear. And then they have, I was trying to think of some, oh, cracoons would be. be good. Cracoons. How did I not think of that as a title? Come on. Cranes.

What is, bro, what's in my... That's a no-brainer. What's that in your recycling bin? Yeah. You see a little bit of smoke coming up from the recycling bin? Yeah, the bin's vibrating.

Yeah. Crancoons. He's like, smiling. Crack-coons. You went turkey hunting with Mike Waddell, I heard. Oh, yeah, I did. Yeah, I went down there.

And it was fun, but it's like, I don't know. of the tur it's like they just seem like an unwell bird what do you mean turkeys unwell in what way they just don't seem like they're like a top like i don't want to say like they on it like i don't want to say uneducated they just seem like they like they got picked last for gym kind of dude that's the dumbest thing i've ever heard really oh yeah about a turkey yeah if you look at a turkey It seemed like they, like, they can't do. They just are, yeah, they just, I don't know.

They weren't doing a lot. Dude, it's a big ass bird. His head changes colors from red to white to blue. He tastes good. Yeah, he's basically the Toby Keith of jerkeys. They fucking walk around the woods making insane noises. Yeah. But I mean, like, it's an omnivore.

It can eat all kinds of, it can eat all kinds of stuff. Okay. Well, now you're selling me on it. Yeah. I mean, like, what, like. what else didn't tell me all that name a better name a better bird it's like you could be oh a bald eagle he eats a bunch of rotten fish from the side like like a turkey that's america's bird dude are you remember the gentleman named ben franklin yeah okay do you know that franklin didn't like the bald eagle as a national bird because it was a scavenger and he threw out some it's debated how honest you it's debated if he was trying to be a smart ass or not ben frank Franklin said America ought to go with the wild turkey because at least it's a vein bird.

What does vein bird mean? It's beautiful. He puffs his feather. The male puffs his feathers all out. Yeah. He's got a snooed. He's got like a, imagine like a packer on your laid across your face. Okay. That changes all the time. It gets erect. Wait. Turkey has that? Yeah, dude. It's like to just like come in and like start. disparage in a turkey right off the top of the bat. You don't know me. I'm just, okay, I'm just saying. It's like very, it's like, it's disrespectful.

That is a, that is a, that is the best, that's the best bird in our, in our country. It's so scary to also to think about, I always do this too many times, like, to think about truly how many animals there are, if all this food is being given to people, it's so scary to think about. Like, what are you saying? Like, how many like chickens are murder, not murdered, but killed a day. Like, so many. Like, even, I'm just trying to think about this reason.

Like, if I order. an order of wings at a bar and there's 10 wings in there, does that technically mean that I'm having five chickens? Like two wings of chicken? I think there are some chickens that have more than two.

206 million a day. Globally, probably 206 million chickens are killed for food each day. It's wilds that. What? It's a wilds that. Holy shit, dude.

It's like... Since we started talking about this, 140,000 chickens just died. Oh, that's wild. That's the original Gaza right there, dude. That's crazy. I can't believe they're doing that. What else we got? Oh, in two separate, um, recent WNBA games that have been

plagued with a new problem. Unruly spectators throwing sex toys onto the court. Hmm. Oh, God. I saw a picture. I mean, it is kind of wild, I guess, to, but first of all, I'd embrace it if I'm the WMBA, right? I would shoot those things out of a T-shirt candidate during Pride Month or whatever. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. I mean, if it, if things get wild and people start tuning in, that's great. It's good money, you know. Oh, you don't want people to get hurt. And I guess that's disrespectful, but it's like, yeah, turn the negative around. Yeah, let's put a positive spin on it.

I mean, that lady was excited. You know what I'm saying? And I don't know if that's AI. It could be AI. I just saw a woman, they have a woman that has two kudos, actually. I saw she's on TikTok the other day. There's a woman. Now are you.

Now I'm talking about the anatomy. Now I'm changing it. So. You want to hear a. Okay. No, go. Yeah, go. There is a woman.

who has two vaginas that's on TikTok. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She sent a DM the other day to me the other day. How many DMs did she send one of the one for me? Dude, dude. She sent replica DMs. That's insane. So can I tell you a story?

Yeah. So I'm at my boy's wedding and we're, he's from, he's from Ohio. We're at the, you know, reception now the after reception. We're all just hanging out in the hotel room. And the one dude's like, oh, do you remember, uh, Remember that girl went to high school with with two vaginas? And he's like, dude, you're talking about Cheryl? And then his other buddy's like, yo, double barrel Cheryl?

And I just thought that was the funniest fucking nickname I've ever heard in my life, double barrel Cheryl. I was like, that's got to go in some American pie type movie. Just double barrel Cheryl. So as soon as you started talking about that, I was like, oh, I have one. Put her in a museum, dude. Apparently she used to say like, this one's for my boyfriend. I'm saving this one for my husband. oh yeah yeah that's kind of beautiful yeah yeah yeah because i would just if i had both i

dude you'd blow them both in the first week yeah yeah exactly yeah exactly dude no i'd be like i'm saving this one for after dinner or whatever i would definitely dude bro you telling me i would love a hug from somebody's grandmother god those hugs are Just the way you land in it, it's like being at a spa. You get a young hug from one of these young bitches. Some of them are strong and shit. They got, you know, some chick hugged me that is. She had a couple damn dumbbells in her hand, two barbells, three and a half pounders.

I was like, what the fuck is this? But you get a hug from a grandmother. She got them damn catcher's mitts full of love. She got two of them bitches, baby. and their arms go right into the tits they ain't even a difference bro that's just a big bicep tit tit set bicep tit that's just a damn fucking that's a fucking love seat she got them two arms like a damn front end loader that bitch will hug you god it's hard to know if you it would seem like you seem like a who likes being in Hollywood

or doesn't like being in Hollywood, I guess. There's things I really like about it and things I really don't like, right? And I wish they didn't have to be together, but they are, right? Like, it's kind of life. You gotta take the good with the bad. Because they always get pictures of you

where you seem like you're like the dwarf that like is kind of like the backup dwarf, you know, like you're on the side, you're smoky, you're like... What is that guy? I don't know that character about it. Like, is he pissed? I think he's a little pissed.

Yeah, he's an understudy. He's the understudy. He's the understudy dwarf. Okay. And not dwarf, like, you're a regular-headed guy, but it's like, but I, and I shouldn't have said dwarf. I shouldn't say anything, but it was like, I don't know, they all, and it's like they only put this chronology out of you that makes you seem like you're kind of bummed.

Well, here's the thing. If the only time, like, when somebody's taking a picture of me, I'm bummed, because usually I'm with my kids, I'm trying to go somewhere. And then there's four guys who are like, oh, eh, hey, man, every time. Can you give me some time? I'm trying to be with my kids. I'm, do you mind? Can you, you know what I mean?

So the look on your face is kind of like, and then they go, wait, not taking the picture, you go inside and you're having a good time, but it's this selective experience of, like, take a picture of somebody every time they're feeling irritated, they're going to look irritated. Especially if you're the one irritating them. Yeah, it's like, I'll come piss you off

and then take your picture and then be like, look, I pissed off of you as well. That's exactly what, that's exactly what that whole system is really. Right, and it's like useful, because that's why, like, you know, I'm sure you've seen on all the stuff like the, you know, that's kind of the idea is like, for all somebody around and antagonize them.

And then hopefully they'll have like a nervous breakdown and go crazy on you and then your video will be worth more money, you know? Yeah, it's such a, it's, that whole thing gets really black mirrorish, man. I'm like you, I'm super critical on myself. I don't honor the commitments I made to myself, I'm a bitch. Yeah. You don't?

Yeah, definitely. And here's the crazy thing. I would do Kevin, I would go, I would go for a run one day or do something and then I'd be like, we grind in every day. I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go run a million mile, next week I'm running seven miles and then the next day I wouldn't even go for a run but I'd have built up all of this steam in my head like I was in the Olympics

and so then I'd let myself my aspirations were so diabolical and ridiculous that but when I did let myself down I would let myself fall from the heights of my aspirations not even from you just took one run yes you just took one run and you just one neighborhood over

and you got yourself at the Olympic trials in Atlanta like but the The shame I would feel would be the fall from the Olympic trials and I only fucking went, damn, probably 1,100 feet. That's why everybody that tells me they want to get into fitness, they'd be like, what you think I should do first? I say baby steps. Baby steps.

Take baby steps. If you walk in the gym and walk out, you still showed up. You did something that you wouldn't have done yesterday. Maybe this time you might get on a treadmill and walk for maybe two or three minutes. I don't know. Who knows? Start drinking more water. Baby steps.

Like everything is baby steps. Yeah. Yeah, I would never even give myself the grace of like, let me have those babies, you know. And you know something else I used to do? I used to compare myself to people that was taking steroids and all of that. And I'm like, I want my body to look like this. And I'm like, yeah.

And I used to watch them dudes say stuff like, if you ain't got no six pack, you fat, homie. And I was like, damn, I'm fat. So I had unrealistic expectations. just like you and then I started giving myself grace and I'm like yeah I didn't even come in it to look like that I just wanted my clothes to be able to fit good yeah I just I just didn't want to be titty man anymore yeah yeah he didn't want to have them nice titties on that boy breastacists I just didn't want to be titty man anymore and then you start comparing yourself to other people and you lose we lose ourselves and what we really wanted what was our goal I just wanted I wanted a bedroom body that's it that's

That's it, that's all. When you get up really, really crazy high in life. You're too high. You're Madison Square Garden and all this kind of crazy shit that I was doing. It's like the fall will kill you. Because it's not a human height. It's not human. And there's no oxygen up there.

And there's no drag on your wings. And it's lonely. It's not affected by your feelings anymore. It's just this other thing. But when I went back to work and I was like, doing clubs again how's that going to feel and i'm sitting in the funny bone in st louis and the the machine that sends coke to the bar is is next to my head and i'm sitting there and there's the smell of chicken wings and pizza and i'm doing retail comedy one you know i was happy as fuck i was

so happy to be telling the jokes to people whose faces i could see and whose admission prices is they're giving that to me as a as a gift and they're going home happy and I got back to that level of comedy and it was really beautiful that's where I live now I mean I do the theaters because I'm still a fucking pig I still want I still like it but one some of them are nice to some of them are nice with the Ryman and oh yeah Nashville beautiful I'm excited to come over there I think even this year's been tough for me it's just like um yeah I just feel like work's gotten busy and it just makes me scared kind of a little bit. And it's like, you know, and then popularity makes you scared, and that's kind of scary.

And then you're just like looking at yourself. You're just like, what am I even? You're like, I can't even feel like I can't even, the controls feel far from my hand sometimes. Not like I'm doing crazy stuff or anything, but just like, you know, I just, I don't know. No, it's, it is scary and it should be. That's the thing is it's like another electricity. You got to respect it. it's not a small thing being famous and it can go bad and it's it's your fault because you got

into it yeah but that's i don't know it's also a human thing to want to share your work and want to be out there you know but once when when it goes bad it you get in this predicament of like i want to go to each person's house and tell them what really happened and what you know the little things that are that aren't in the way this you know and that's just never going to happen yeah and at this point with all to me i just want to get i just i just want to live If you had to share something with somebody who had lost a sibling or who had dealt with, you know, some grief from loss, something that you've learned because, I mean, you're like almost the, the Neil Armstrong of loss. I mean, you've, you've had, you've endured a lot in your life, you know, and watched and watched other loved ones endure a lot, you know. What have you kind of learned that you feel like you could share, if anything? Well, thank you for giving that opportunity.

because that's what I want to do is to try to make it positive for somebody, buddy. But, you know, it's tough because I want to tell people, like, when somebody dies, it's going to get better, but it doesn't get better, man. You don't even get used to it. It's just keep tolerating it, and you just, somehow it gets a little better someday. But there's no good word to say to them, but when somebody's really busted up, you know, And when you overcome that and are able to maintain through that, well, then it's, it's now you, now you've achieved through a struggle. You've achieved over an obstruction.

You've gone over a hurdle, you know, and it's like now you can say you won. Now I can say you won something because without a fight, there can't be a winner. They can't be a champion. There can't be a success unless there's that adversity, you know. And so God wouldn't put you through that unless you're going to benefit. You've got a great mind. You're an intelligent guy. Oh, thanks, man.

Life is, he's knocking on your door too, my friend. You too, I feel like you and me are probably pretty similar in some ways. You feel that? Sure do. I do too. So, no, David, that leads exactly to kind of what I was thinking about. My next question is, how does our quality of life affect our beliefs about death or the afterlife? Well, you know, I think this is something where neuroscience actually has something to offer.

Okay. Right? So when I first started studying the brain, you know, 40 plus years ago, I was taught, well, the brain just kind of sits there and it waits to react. to something. Some comes in your senses. You hear something. You see something. Your brain does something. And then you move your muscles and you respond to it. And that's what is. The brain's kind of sitting there waiting for something to happen. It's a reactive organ. Like a two-stroke motor or something. Right. And well, even not like a two-struck motor that isn't even started yet. It's waiting for someone to pull the rip cord, right, for it to start up.

And what we now know, the modern conception of the brain is that when you're just sitting there spacing out, your brain is really busy. And it is a a prediction machine. Your brain is trying to figure out what's going to happen next in the near term. What does that mean? It means that our brain is wired to presume that there will always be a near term, that there will be a future, right? And so, you know, I got diagnosed with terminal cancer.

I was told four years ago that I had six to 18 months to live. And, you know, while, I mean, of course, that was really upsetting and I was freaking the fuck out about it. In addition, you know, I could do practical stuff. Oh, I better write my will. I better have this conversation with my kids. I better, you know, make sure this is done in the house and, like, these letters are written for my students, you know, so them to go on the next part of their career, like all that practical stuff. Right, exactly. And but in terms of actually deeply engaging.

with myself not being there anymore, with my own demise, I felt like, you know, I was skittering across the ice, you know, I couldn't really dig in and grab it. I couldn't really think about what it's like for me not to be there anymore. And I thought, well, is this a personal failing? Do I just suck? And I thought, well, maybe, but, I mean, I do. But we all. But, you know, what I'm thinking fundamentally is that this is not something that we, as humans, are designed to do. Our brains are hardwired to predict their near future, which presumes that there will be a near future, right? And so if you extrapolate this a little bit. And what does extrapolate mean?

I'm sorry, if you kind of move on to the next step. Okay. Right. Of what this means for faith, right? If you go around the world nearly every, not absolutely every, but nearly every religion in the world has an afterlife or reincarnation story. Very few religions. Judaism is one, you're dead, and there isn't actually a story about what happens after you're dead. But almost every other one does. Or the big invoice they call it. You go to heaven, you meld with the divine, you're reincarnation. but there's something that happens. These stories are exceedingly popular all over the world in all cultures. Well, I think that the reason they are

is because of this brain bug we have. We can't imagine ourselves dead because our brains are hardwired to predict the future. And that's why we have these afterlife and reincarnation stories in faiths all over the world. And so I have total sympathy for these, not just because I'm diagnosed with terminal cancer,

because I see them as something deep and fundamental to what it is to be human and something that binds us all. Have you ever met someone and you were like, I could play that person? Like, is that, because that would be like kind of like, I feel like if I were an actor, that would be like my power. Like you would corner somebody in a room of a fucking party.

Like, I could play you in a heartbeat. Huh. You know? Does that happen with the good actors? I don't know, you have to ask good actors. I think, I remember when I was young, I remember doing this movie and one of the other actor was talking to the director and he was like, wouldn't it be cool if, you know,

Joaquin did, you know, this kind of movie, you know, kind of like so-and-so, and he mentioned this other actor that was like my peer who was like, like, the actor, right? And the director was like, yeah, but, I mean, Markine is no so-and-so. And he was like, and, and the, the actor was like, dude, that's so fucked up to say the director was like, oh, no, no, I just, I mean that

in the best way. Like, you're a character actor. He's no Fred Armisen. Yeah. Character actors, yeah, it's like, it's like kind of code for like, you can't really, like, you're never going to really get there, but you'll work. And, um, and that fucking pissed me off. Yeah. But here's the thing, but it pissed me off

because I was like, no, I, I have more, like, That's not, there's more that will come out, that will come out of me. And I just, but I think I ultimately appreciate it because it made me go like, well, how do I find that way? Like, how do I find more? Yeah, there was just something like, there was something special about that time where it was like, I don't know, the moment meant so much more. You know, there was something, there used to be something about the past at the moment. you couldn't copy or you couldn't record it like i think that's why those times you talk about some of this in your book man and uh it's like about time and like god like the moment of when i was a kid

or sitting there laughing with my friends like the moment was so much more real because you were never going to get it again right and you didn't you couldn't necessarily record it and you sure's held it couldn't share it there's a study on this man i don't know if i'm going to say it's like 20 years ago or 25 the moment was the biggest open mean rush the jump the cresting of the mountain the pulling off whatever you tried to pull off yeah scientifically measured the biggest dopamine hit cameras and you know mobile devices and stuff come out it slowly turned to the recording of the moment the snapshot okay not the cresting of the hill but we just recorded it the ownership of the moment right and then what has happened now has been around for 20

five years, the biggest scientific dopamine hit that we get as humans is not the doing of the deed, is not the recording of the deed. It is when we press share. Really? Now that's a little bit like living in the third person, like we're all running around going, my rush is not when I run for a touchdown. My rush is when I see myself on the Jumbotron running for the touchdown. And that's a, that's a slippery slope, man. You know what I mean? Well, it's slippery, but it also seems hard to even conceptualize who I am then, you know?

Yeah. Am I myself? Am I just a viewer of myself now? Yeah, that's it. We're much more voyeurs now. Right. And our identity comes from being objective trying to look at ourself from outside. And now comes from, well, what did you think of what I did and how.

Yeah. And that's the worst. What did you think of what I did? And that will be my definition of who I am. Yeah, that we got to watch that. Riley Mal. Yes, sir. What is something that you are kind of grateful for this year,

a little thing in the world that, like, is there a moment or something in the world that makes you feel some gratitude? Yeah, yeah. I've got a little baby coming along the way. Yeah. God dang! You have a baby coming? I do.

Oh my gosh. Bro. Unreal. Dude, congratulations, man. Thank you. Oh, my gosh, bro. Dude, I remember when you hadn't even come out of your own nuts or whatever. Remember that?

Yeah. Wow. Wow. And now you're like, I'll show them. Wow, dude. I'm going to make this skeet grow up. That's crazy, dude. And is it a male or female?

Do you know? Have y'all looked at it? It's a male. Oh. Amen, brother. God. God has got you, man. We can even pray about it right now.

You care if we pray about it? out it for a second? Yeah, let's do it. Let's do it, man. God, we just want to thank you today in times where we're uncertain about things and where we, it feels like it's tough to get a foothold that sometimes our sense of purpose wanes based on our society that you can remind us that there are important things in the world. God, we want to thank you so much for giving Riley a chance to be a father. You know, when I met Riley, he was barely, he hadn't even had any,

oh, see, I'm gonna say it fast so it's not because we are in a prayer. He hadn't even had any semen come out of his body. And here he is, just serving blast sauce and just having it grow up into something beautiful. And we want to lift this child up to you, God, before it's even here. And what's the name of the child, Riley?

We haven't announced it yet. Okay. God, we want to lift up this unannounced child to you that at this point is still just a batch of semen and egg that you are helping cultivate and moisturize. And so we just want to lift that up to you, God, and say thank you for reminding us what is purposeful, and that we can find purpose and family.

Rod, amen. Ladies and gentlemen, Stephen Wilson, Jr. Thank you, sir. One, two, three, four. Gary these days been lying in his bed, man. Working on a same car going on a decade. Scribbles on drum mount don't draw attention I never really noticed but now that I mention it

Ain't a lot of boys named Gary these days Born with the cigarette glued to their face Fixing about anything a hammer can't handle Saving on the money because of Gary don't gamble Ain't a lot of girls gone by Debbie anymore If they got the same nicotine pouring out their pores Time leaves town but the minute hands stays There ain't a lot of boys named Gary these days

Gary these days been worried about the bad news There ain't a lot of teenagers filling up the church views No Burn a bush slice don't talk to his brother The people even still say grace before supper There ain't a lot of boys named Gary these days Born with a cigarette glue to their face Fixing bound anything a hammer can handle

Saving on the money cause they carried on gamble Ain't a lot of girls going by and I'd be anymore But they got the same nicotine corn out their purse Time leaves town, but the minute hands stays. There ain't a lot of boys named Gary these days. Hey, every no one gets a damn thing running, takes it out for a spin for sneaking me. making me He believes in God who believes in a little black and peace on the stone on his day

front porch A hard medication poured down Where the drain pours He holds his left arm While his parakey prays Has anybody seen much of Gary these days Has anybody seen much of Gary these days? Does anybody seen much of Gary these days?

There's an end Yeah No, there ain't a lot of boys Ain't a lot of boys, ain't a lot of boys, there ain't a lot of boys, there ain't. Gary, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Gary, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're going to be able to be. Thank you. Thank you.