This Past Weekend - Chris Distefano 2 | This Past Weekend #265

Episode Date: March 5, 2020

Subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts http://bit.ly/ThisPastWeekend_    Chris Distefano https://instagram.com/chrisdcomedy    Donate to Qaden Bales https://www.gofundme.com/f/lets-send-a-wonderful-kid-to-disneyland  ----------------------------------------------------------- This episode brought to you by…   Bespoke Visit https://BoxofAwesome.com and use code THEO at checkout for 20% off your first monthly box ----------------------------------------------------------- Find Theo   Website: https://theovon.com  Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend  Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCiEKV_MOhwZ7OEcgFyLKilw   -----------------------------------------------------------   Producer Nick https://instagram.com/realnickdavis -----------------------------------------------------------   Music   “Shine” - Bishop Gunn  http://bit.ly/Shine_BishopGunn    -----------------------------------------------------------   Gunt Squad www.patreon.com/theovon  Name Aaron Rasche Alex Bmayer Alex Hitchins Alex Person Alex Petralia Amy Love Andrew Valish Anthony Holcombe April Schultze Ashley Konicki Audrey Hodge Ayako Akiyama Ben Deignan Ben in thar.. Benjamin Streit Brandon Woolsey Brian meek Chad Kleier Christopher Becking Christopher Burton Cody Anderson Cody Kenyon Crystal David Christopher Dentist the menace Dionne Enoch Dusty Baker Eric Tobey Gillian Neale Ginger Levesque Greg Salazar Gunt Squad Gary J Garcia Jamaica Taylor James Briscoe James Hunter James Schneider Jameson Flood Jayme Sta Jeremy Weiner Joaquin Rodriguez Joe Dunn Joey Piemonte Jon Blowers Jon Ross Jordan Josh Nemeyer Joy Hammonds Julie Ogden Justin Doerr Kevtron Kyle Baker Kyle McGreevy Lacey Ann Lawrence Abinosa Lea Rashka Leighton Fields LJ Logan Yakemchuk Madeline Matthews Matt Nichols Mike Mikocic Mike Nucci Miles Sadler Mona McCune myinitialsareOKbutimnot Nicholas Leach Nick Roma Noah Bissell Passenger Shaming Qie Jenkins Raye Vella Roxy Deputy Ruben Prado Ryan Hawkins Sagar Jha Scott Turnbull Shane Pacheco Shona MacArthur Stephen Trottier Suzanne O'Reilly Tanner Marvel Taryn Feingold Theo Wren Tim Greener Timothy Eyerman Tito Liebowitz Tom Cook Tom Kostya Tugzy Mills Vanessa Amaya Vince Gonsalves William Reid Peters Yvonne Zeke HarrisSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Today's guest is a friend of mine from our time on the Opie and Anthony show and Opie and Jim Norton as well. Sorry He is a comedian. He's one of the hosts of the history hyenas podcast. It's my friend and What is not an ally called oh and nemesis mr. Chris de Stefano Yeah, and then no that guy died and then I call yeah, that's just sad, huh? Yeah Beautiful guy. What's great guy? Is it drugs you think I think Drugs didn't help him sure. I but I think it was just eating, you know, I personally think that Just my opinion mm-hmm that that he was really fucking sad and devastated when his wife

Divorced him. Oh, his wife left him that blonde wife left me as she cheated on him with a busboy Yeah, and he found out and then he moved to a cabin in the woods. I was like, hey, I cut her a check for whatever 200k She's out of my life. Fuck it. I'm the happiest I've ever been I live in the woods now every day was like shot a whiskey and You know firewood. Yeah, no, no not even that like you'd be like, yo, I eat McDonald's all day every day What oh, yeah, he was just and he would always post Ruiz in RU IZ ING Ruiz ing and so But the food was great like the worst shit you you know Big Mac with a devil dog would sear up on it and would eat it and it was like Ruiz ing and people start tweeting out of Ruiz ing Ruiz ing and then he just didn't wake up one day

But I think you know when you're in your mid 40s you start doing stuff like that Anybody is is apt to have a heart attack. Yeah, it's dangerous because it's like, you know, that's the he's a chef too We're talking about Carl Ruiz. Yeah, Carl Ruiz or Ruiz. Yeah, and there's shit. Yeah, are you Iz? Everybody's seen that type of name But and also, yeah, you never kind of know how it is Ruiz Ruiz I'm from I say Ruiz Ruiz the mad Cuban. Yeah, the mad Cuban and he you that's got to be Your worst nightmare. You are a chef, right and your wife leaves you with a bus boy That's that's the rumor. I don't know if that is actually how it happened. That's what we were told That's what he said on you know when we used to do opium all that

But it's a story of the it's just it's such a Greek tragedy almost you're in the back of the kitchen, right? You're doing it. You're doing a lamb chop. You're doing a scallion, right? You know, right? You're doing the work, right? Then you got this little milly frickin vanilla guy out here right feeling waters and frickin offering extra butter And he might have been another Ruiz to most chances are a bus boy working at a restaurant in New Jersey's last name It's also Ruiz So it's all in the family. It's kind of wack because he raised her kids Like they were his own wow because they those weren't his biological children

But they called him dad and everything that and he just left man And then he had just opened up this beautiful brand spanking ass new restaurant I believe in Midtown and then he fucking died like a month into it and was the restaurant still going hell Yeah, I think the restaurant is closed now because he's gone or maybe it or maybe a change something changed about the restaurant now but yeah, he was um It was such a shocking thing when he died Carl Ruiz his breath always stunk though So I always wondered if there was something rotting in Inside him a rotting always had stinky breath and that's no disrespect. I'm not disrespecting the dead

You know, I wouldn't I wouldn't do that But I'm saying I used to say like his breath always smelled like hot ass And I'm just wondering if that if there was something always going on like a hole or something It seemed like he kind of took a like did one of those some Zen dip packs. Yeah, and never took it out. It never took it out Yeah, like he got a what is that thing that women get if they leave a tampon in for too long? Like a toxic toxic shock syndrome It seemed like a toxic socks syndrome from a Zen dip

It smelled like one of his tonsils was dead and the other one was alive Yeah, like just it wasn't all the way horrid But with something there was some part of him if his of his mouth like a dead tooth or a dead tonsil something or food stuck But something was always stank and the living one had hid the dead one and was telling the cops He didn't know what happened to it exactly the living one killed the dead one. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, it's true But you know RIP to Carl because I love him and I always will yeah RIP Carl Ruiz Yeah, or Ruiz Ruiz. Yeah, call. I just call we call him the mad Cuban. Yeah. Yeah the mad Cuban and and that's and that's when you and I Met I'm gonna say he's connected. He's connected to us. RIP Carl, man

RIP Carl, man And he had such a big heart man. He has such a well. Yeah, I guess yeah, or he didn't I don't know what happened to him They said well because if you died that early probably a little heart. Yeah, but he had a big soul small hearted small hearted, yeah Small hearted and we got a we got Nick Davis and Dom De Pettis here, too Yeah, Don De Pett everybody they didn't we never enough time to get them on camera. Yeah, fine as fuck, too He's on camera. We can see him go go pro not hide for anything Nick. You're cute, too Thanks, buddy. You really are you're one of those rare guys that can pull off bangs

Dang he is kind of got nice bangs man, dude You guys were just uh you and I were just in um Cleveland, right? Right Cleveland at Hilarity's comedy club Thank you. The last time I went through there I sold like 500 seats which for me that was good But this time the whole weekend 1500 out of 1600 so for me That's like a new ball field and I was telling them telling you before the show It all started when I came on your podcast last January Got the ball rolling but you and Burt when I did you guys back-to-back in the same week

I will never forget. I had I was just telling Don this I had 99,000 followers on Monday like when I came back, you know as it came through the weekend then you and Burt released in the same week by Friday of that week I had a hundred and thirty nine thousand Wow, so now followers who cares about the followers It's not about the vanity of it's about that gate you guys gave me a real opportunity to gain your fans and Give me the opportunity for me to perform for them And then they stuck around and they're still buying and now they're fans of my podcast the history hyenas and because we get it All the time because like where'd we find you we will send out little service It's always like this past weekend or Burt show or there's a big pockets in New York girls

Gotta eat Andrew Schultz and then recently the fighter and the kid that I did a couple of months ago all that stuff It's all the podcast like it's got nothing to do with television at all anymore It's just a podcast and what you can how you can maximize that on the internet, so appreciate it. Yeah, no man Look, I'm glad you came and I'm glad you came back man. You got nice fingers, too I know I know if that's one of those things I've never said to you, but I've been I've been watching your IG for a long time And I've been friends with you. I think since 2013 14 and you got some of the nicest fingers in the game and toes I didn't realize that you're cuz you're wearing thong-toed sandals right now, so you got toes Yeah, I like to put mustard on your toes and catch up on your fingers and take a bite out of your hot dog

It's thong-toed sandals is that too much for is that like a woman kind of wearing a thong or what is that like? If you came out if you I'll be honest with you if you came to my part of Brooklyn, right with the thong-toed sandals like that There's a chance not when you're with me, but there's a chance like you know one of my boys names Pat Finnegan Patty fly balls He would hit you would have taped up with a ball bat Yeah, just because he would think like why is this dude coming out with his no socks on yeah So you got a guy an adult doing freakin the word lamest crime ever, bro You're gonna rob a bank with a slingshot He was to tape quarters and nickels to the end of a tape a whiff ball bat and then put tape around and just hit people

In the back of the head with it. You just get lit up by batting five balls Do when I was young people used if people if if somebody was really upset, huh? You would go up to him and you'd be like you're mad Yeah, you would hit your throat and say you're mad and it would make them so much matter, bro Of course, there's something about that when people you mad Yeah, and then you get hit or what about this if you go like that and then they'd look see have caught you you get Punching the stomach for that. Yeah, if you had that's like an embarrassing thing, but they don't do that stuff anymore It's dangerous youth. Why it's like white crime. It's like white childhood, right? Homo erotic crime. I gotta be honest with you though, man

The neighborhood I grew up in that we did that white homo erotic shit But if you fucked with the Albanians the Albanians in my name and Christians, they call them sand Christians In Ridgewood Queens Ridgewood Bushwick area Queens Brooklyn area bro one time we're playing ball, right somebody elbowed One of the Albanians by accident kid got pissed off came back 20 minutes later 10 deep Okay, two of the Albanians had chainsaws active chainsaws Running on the court with the chainsaws trying to take off fucking limbs. Yeah So nobody ever messed with the Albanians in my neighborhood and they had a gang out there

But magic coming at somebody coming at you with a chainsaw for realsies. Oh, yeah. Yeah, dude. I used to work I used to do I'm not logging but I did yard work for a man and Yeah, you guys obviously never done any actual work But and I had to work with this mentally challenged dude. They called him. What was that guy's name? Hold on they called him tiger cat, but I don't remember what his name was, right? Ronnie Yeah, his name was Ronnie and they also called him go ahead Ronnie go ahead Ronnie. Yeah, and he was mentally disabled

Right, or yeah, he was mentally disabled and so one so they we get one chainsaw between the two of us, right? Okay, he took it You know and so I'm supposed to be kind of the foreman and he's literally Lining up the thing and about to start it and instead of having her on a branch has it lined up on my leg, bro What not even like not like just zoned out like or this is where we start You got thick fucking tree trunk legs to the top not the bottom now I know because your leg I've always noticed I mean you I was always like really thick legs, dude Absolutely, man. What you never really looking at me. You got a thick ass. Yeah, yeah, you do

I got a thick ass. I got the ass of a D I had like a kind of like a young black girl it down. Are you in shape? Are you staying in shape? You look in shape, but how do you feel? Yeah, I don't feel I feel tired, but I do I did go I did go to the gym this morning and I'm gonna go again on Thursday Yeah, I'm going to yoga today going to yoga today, dude, what's it like different now that if you when people you're selling tickets Like what's that experience like? Um, I would say that now it's It actually to be honest with you the last three shows I've done three week as I've done at least one of those four or five shows

I felt like I was gonna pass out and almost actively passed out at least one time a weekend Because it's this new thing Donnie was with me in hilarities last week and I was calling for him about 20 minutes into the set I was like you need to be near me because I may faint I may go down I don't know what it is I think it's like this pressure that they know who you are now and you better do well But the thing that saves me is because of the podcast the history. I mean a podcast I'm so honest and open about it as I was talking to the crowd being like yo I'm gonna go down because my podcast partner

Yana's pop is who call him yani nets because he did pass out on stage in Providence So he's always always got to have nets behind him. We're like, oh, yeah, that's safety So we call him yani nets or a helmet on that dude. I know man. I was like, I saw I'm gonna be Chrissy Nets I was like, I'm Chrissy Nets right now. I may go down. So they were like laughing along with it But if they didn't know who I would have fully passed out at hilarities I would have fully passed out. So there's a little bit of a anxiety inducing thing to it But then it's also like sometimes too good to be true because this that's what I'm happy that I'm nowhere near my goal yet Not even close, but I'm happy to be climbing at the pace. I'm climbing because I've you know

Started out as a of course open miker then would feature on the row emcee on the road then feature on the road and then headline You know the low D rooms or even if I got into a rooms It would be July 4th weekend or some half full weekend not really getting paid what I deserved at the time But not, you know, I wasn't making any real money and now to start climbing and sell out shows before I get there or sell a Lot of tickets, but it's a new thing like what do you mean pressure like you the pressure? Well, it's easy to perform for people. I think that don't know who you are There's no you're not letting anybody down. They're gonna be let that they feel like they're gonna be let down anywhere They're like got barked in or they got a free flyer to go to a show

Yeah, whereas opposed to somebody now paid a whatever 2030 sometimes $40 ticket price, you know Depending on whatever venue you're at, you know, you know how it is sometimes if you need new shoes or not Yeah, bro. Listen, my daughter eats a lot of fucking applesauce Yeah, yeah, so it depends on you know, whatever it is and it's like there's pressure on that There's pressure to be like I need to these people they have paid money. They got babysitters. I need to do what well for them Yeah, you know, it's funny. I was thinking recently that I felt like a more of a pressure I liked having the element of surprise a lot and it's hard It's a little tougher to have it when people are coming out. They know they coming to see you, right?

You know, there's when people don't know how you're gonna be. Yeah, there's an element of you can there's an element of surprise There's an L. There's like a there's a mystery you can kind of play with, you know, they don't know, right, you know, there's like a I don't know. It's like it's a real thing if I don't know who this guy is then I can be You know, I could be pleasantly surprised I could be Unaware of how you know, how he's entertaining me sometimes, you know, I could be you know, his humor could be very unique Right, whereas then if people know you then it's different, you know Since you've been at the success of you've been out with the theaters and all that have you taken a hot fat fucking bomb yet? Like a hot like a real fat one like just a nice

Seattle in front of you know, 1500 plus just a real stinker Cuz it happens man. You just take a full Somebody goes that's a no-no And it's just you're just eating it and you start going where you from you start going yo, you know, what's weird? There's nothing funnier There's nothing the only things that can make comedians belly belly belly laugh is watching another good comedian bomb And a fart joke or a fart or just not even a fart joke Just an actual just a wet nasty

Fucking rip your asshole third gear fart like that guy in bar stool You see that guy in bar stool with the third gear fart is something to look up. What fuck Do you think the farts are get nastier in certain countries or not? I think yeah Well, I think that's why I think we need a wall is because I think you know outside the United States Those farts man, that's the reason every time Trump's like we need a wall. I'm like, yeah, Mexicans assholes are dirty We got that there and Canadian asses too, man Don't sleep on Canadian. I don't sleep on how disgusting Canadian fart could be routine. You know what that's like That's cheese curd. Yeah, I want to wall around all that because there's a wall around us man

Well, why does it everybody should just get a little wall that they can bring with them? Yeah, put wherever they want Canada and Mexico because the truth of the situation we got a man Right here doing something there's a urban guy right here This is the ain't ain't never hear a fart hit third gear as the couch. Okay. Take a look and they're gonna blame it Somehow on white people. I'm sure That's insane Dude I was watching that thing for an hour yesterday crying my beautiful four-year-old daughter was doing ballet and doing some of the finest Mooshes ever done and get into new heights in her life

And I was head buried in the phone crying laughing because of this dude's third gear for it and her mom was like, this is why we can't be together crying She thought I was crying our first of my kids mom thought I was crying because how beautiful my daughter nailed a pirouette I was listening to that my headphones on you know, I go crying at the ballet and look at are they husband and wife? Yes, they are you just blasted his wife with that. Oh, could you imagine those undies must look like? His drawers must be wild dude. I can't even So like that would make me cry laugh it and watch it a good good good comedian or a video of myself Bombing hard. Yeah, we're like you just can't like you're just eating it like I just did the impractical Joker's cruise Um, and I was I was supposed to be on there. Yeah, it was it was fun, man

It was fun See a lot of fat-ass people, but um, it was fun. Well, whatever, you know, I'm fat I got I'm not I'm not I'm in better shape, but I still got fat puffy nipples. I'm still a size Now I used to be 38 weights now. I'm a 36. Yeah, so I've slimmed down But I'm still like I wouldn't if you were co-workers. I probably wouldn't hit on you I wouldn't right if you were female. Well, the thing is like this is I always feel like it's you know People I've said this to me and they're right. I got lead a man face best friend body. That's what it is It's a letdown. It's a letdown with women with me

Usually I think it's gonna be something else. I think I'm a you know this tough guys guy Whatever that I got that look some people tell me I look like Ben Affleck some people tell me I look like Ben Stiller Yeah, big difference. You look like Ben better. I know that Yeah, yeah, yeah, dude, so I thought yeah, yeah Yeah Somebody who's fucking using performance enhancing drugs to swim Did you look like Rhea Perlman? Do I really got real Perlman hair? She's talented. She is bro. Cheers was a good show

So does I feel like CVS is my cheers because I'm always getting STDs Oh, yeah, it's always in there like yo, y'all got me Oh, real Perlman. Wow Extremely Jewish. Yeah, she's got the yeah, no, but we said you look like you have the same hair as Eileen Wernos Oh, yeah, that was an old clip we call RIP Carl We said that you look like Eileen Wernos the first female serial killer ever killed you have that kind of hair going But that's all right, but um, we're talking about oh, we were saying I was saying that like yeah Like laughing at so so you have it so since you've been things that make me laugh

We're not the thing that make me. Oh, I have not bond. No, I haven't right ahead of this. That's actually this weekend in This slot actually about two weeks ago in Maryland. I had a tough show right Maryland Yeah, it was like it was a big place man It was 2,500 so it was like one of the biggest places that I've been in to perform Maybe in the states the biggest place right you move tickets brother, but it was crazy man And it was amazing, you know everybody that came out and stuff, but oh Oh, I call it I call that a top of the cracker that came it right out of top of my ass Sometimes it's interesting sometimes

A fart is really right on deck and then sometimes very lost and it's kind of like almost like they have to call it to the Front of the line like it's mom just got there to pick it up at carpool and it's like hey Where's Ronnie? Yeah, it came out of top my ass So I didn't even mean to time it that way, but it was one of those things where I can't hold it anymore It's gonna find a way out and it leaked out at the top. Oh Then there was a man very similar that it was exactly what made the show so tough in Maryland Just a guy in the front is being just crazy. Yeah, right just too much sometimes, you know But um and that stage was really big and the acoustics were like different

And so it was like just it was it was tougher to manage it was like okay I'm having to manage something that's different here like, you know, the stage is bigger So how much do I move on the stage? So I try to move up and down the whole stage instead of just I probably should have just took the middle third and just moved up and down that how have you had some Since you know, obviously with these bigger venues had a time where you felt like you were gonna pass out Even if it's going great 20 minutes into the set 30 minutes into said overwhelming energy Has that happening or you always feel in control when you're on stage like it's like your safe zone I felt a lot. I feel in control. I just feel like um, I think I just feel tired. I think it's just like, okay

We're getting through it, you know, I want everybody to see the show I want everybody to see the tour. So it's like, you know places keep popping up that we haven't been and so Do you bring the same dudes with you? Yeah, yeah, bring the same guy most of the time. It's got Ari Manis Oh, great That's like it's so important right to have somebody on the road with you to keep your mental health Oh, he helps me so much because if you sit there alone, I don't care how successful you are you start to really think about Everything and then it starts to reel so that's why I like having Don and I got my other boy Sergio Chaconne They come out with me. Yeah, he's like an Ari Manis like a service animal, man. He's great

Like he's always level-headed. He's always the same like if I'm losing my mind or something Yeah, because you're sober too, right? He's always the same. Yeah, that's why I got Don Don's a piece of shit He's the drinks and he's But Don is good because Don's always down for a good time Sergio is 10 years sober. Wow boxing instructor So when you you know when we go on the road you come back that Monday and you're like, oh man I got to hit the gym. I I fucked up with Sergio. You come back like, you know, I could take Monday off Wow, he's got you up at 7 a.m. Doing drills working. So it's good to have him. I like having both guys

That's unfair a little bit Donnie and I do work out work out Donnie does work out. That's right Don doesn't I mean Don's a sex addict. I believe all of that. I believe that Don works out. He doesn't I don't believe that he works that he seems like a guy that works out. Right. Wow Yeah, I have I don't have you know, some men have like a V. I have an H. Yeah, just go straight. Yeah No, you look good with no shirt on. Thanks. Okay. No, I believe it man. Look a lot of men look good. I think I'm one of those guys like I just no matter what but not sexual good That's why I'm drawing that one. Here's a lady right here with a question for me. Yeah Hey, Theo and Chris. I hope you're both doing well

So my question is for both of you. I know Chris has mentioned he's played high school and college basketball So if you had a pickup game of just stand-up comedians, who would be your starting five and why? Thanks for everything. Great question. You want to go first? You want me to go first? Um Well, I lose by letting you go first. Go ahead. You go first then. Okay. I'm gonna go first So this is a great question by the way. It is a great. We gotta do like the playground Theo gets a pick then uh on the snake. Chris gets two Chris gets two and then Theo gets two. All right. We'll do it like that. Go ahead. You go first Theo Oh, shit. Um

Years ago they try to Is this uh Who's your first pick years ago? Is this live? Hold on my first pick. Uh, I need a basketball player. I need somebody You know, I'm honestly, I am thinking urban out of the gate. I'm trying to see who's out there That's a good player that maybe used to play You're already taken. I'm gonna go with um

All right, I'm gonna go with my boy I'll go with Brennan Shaw. I'll put him down in the pen. Brennan Shaw. Yeah, I was thinking too. I want to only pick black guys So I'm gonna start off with Andrew Schultz And then so I got No fashion in the paint You do more than three seconds of fashion in the paint you're out So I'm gonna take Andrew Schultz as my as my first black guy and then um second. I'm gonna take um Second I'm gonna take uh, I'll take uh

Dave Schpell. Wow. Yeah, does he who I don't know But I just it's just nice to have two black legends on your squad respect respect. Yeah, I'm gonna go with um Uh This is so tough even though I have this wall right here to help I'm gonna go with Um Give me You get two. Hmm. You take two. Okay, then I'm gonna go with I'll go with Andrew Santino. Hmm. Nice. He's got one more, right? Yep, and I'm gonna go with um

I'll probably roll with leslie jones. Nice. That's a nice pick. That's defense. That's defense. Andrew jones So now I've picked my final two. Mm-hmm. Okay. So my final two Um, I'll say I will go with my second pick. Um, I'd like to go with eric griffin Nice. Yeah, he's tall. He can coach when he yeah. Yeah. Well, no, I gotta I gotta pick for who my coach is gonna be Okay, um, and then for the fifth my final I'd like to round it out. I'll round it out with bill burr Wow I'll round it out with bill burr just a tough boston guy that you know We'll miss one shot and start punching people in the face cause a fight. I like that. Okay. I want to like a scrappy white dude

That's bill burr. Respect man. I'm gonna roll then I need a little bit of outside. I'm gonna need a shooter from the outside So I'm gonna go with um I'm gonna go with Give me uh Give me sebastian. I'll take sebastian man. Nice. I could come he stays in shape Yep, and I could see him. It might be really hilarious to watch but I could see him as if I'm shooting a three-pointer

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and those pants and I can see him jumping when he does it. He needs to jump. Yeah You got one more pick. All right. I got one more pick then I need I'm gonna need a little bit more help down in the paint I'm gonna go with somebody long. I'm gonna go with chris porter. Nice chris porter That's a nice squad and now coach coaching my team. I like to be coached by arish of fear Okay, I think he's gone. I think he would have some words for the rest That would piss people off. Okay. There's that. Yeah. All right. Uh My team I think is gonna be coached by eric griffin actually, so he's gonna have to come out of the game sometimes

Riffin just riff and rest. Yeah. Yeah. So I would go coached by eric griffin All right, that's I think that's a nice squad. Hopefully that answers on the young lady's question You're gonna leave kirk fox on the bench. Does he yes? I am super tall and he was that he plays tennis. He's athletic Yeah, I don't know if I see him Doing basketball while he was also in the Patriots was one of my favorite movies. Interesting. Shout out Mel Gibson. Um, I could also give Yeah, bobby lee would be nice on the team Is it so oh, uh, use him as the basketball. Yeah Just use him as like this like a complaining little basketball

I love bobby lee man. Here's another guy's podcast the tiger belly podcast. I did. Oh, man. That was fantastic. So shout out bobby lee Thank you. It's so much fun. Yeah, what I mean obviously what is it about the podcast? I mean that everybody I mean it definitely allows you to know people kind of better. Mm-hmm. You know, yeah Well, I think because I think it's because like when I did also Andrew Santino whiskey ginger another one that helped me It's like you just talk for an hour or two about anything. Sometimes it's funny. Sometimes it's personal sometimes to mix of both divulge information People feel like they really know you they're investing in you. It's not like a five minute little Tonight show set which is fine or even an hour long stand-up set which is still disconnected a podcast is like, hey

I'm you know me now, right? So it's like I'm listening to you. You're in my ear for an hour It almost feels like a family member. I think to some people I know even me when I listen to podcasts sometimes to catch up with you guys I'll listen to your guys podcast because I'm like there. I'm confined out about their life this way Yeah, so and I think that easily makes an audience member buy a ticket what I need to do personally Is stop divulging so much personal information because I'm pissing members of my family and friends off Because I'm making jokes about them using their real names. Oh, yeah Because I just get so in the moment because right now we're just a little said I did that with my whole town

Yeah, because right now we're just like in a little beautiful studio But like this could be heard by a million plus and I'm just yelling pat finnegan That's his actual birth name That's his government name and he's an active duty firefighter and I just said he used to beat people with a bat Yeah, he could lose his job. Well pat or he could gain work somewhere as a bouncer Yeah, you gotta think of the other side of the coin. You could be doing something for yeah For because half this shit is like, you know, I'm having a good time I'm telling the truth, but I'm making it up

Or I'm embellishing the details for performance and people get pissed like even people in my personal I'm like, yo, why the fuck do you say that about me? I'm like, yo when the mics turn off I don't even remember what I said. Yeah, like I genuinely we're talking for an hour an hour and a half I don't know what the fuck I said. I'm just in the moment having fun. That's what I see I used to be all I'm just trying to be alive. Like I'm not trying to I'm trying to stay alive Yeah, while I'm on a microphone or not trying to I'm gonna try and hurt anybody. What do you use per plus? Uh, because it looks like because you have very very healthy healthy healthy hair. Yeah, really absolutely, man Wow, thanks. Now a lot of people could pull off a mullet and bang. So so this this podcast cruise mullet and bang

That's our new nickname dude. Whatever cops speaking of people Um, I'm not sure what you just said a second ago, but I do want to say we got I want to call Brad Williams Because he remember that you know this quaden bales thing that I do. Yeah the young gunner This Australian young buck right and uh, and people really lightening into him Yeah, but right and Brad did a fundraiser for him and it was supposed to be to raise 10 grand and I think they raised about A lot more. I'm gonna say a couple hundred thousand, but then unfortunately hold on. Okay Sorry, don't hold on you say whatever you want. Yeah, say we I was gonna say I'm sorry pictures pictures of that kid came out with him With strippers and stuff like that. Did they really so I don't think he's a year

I don't they say he's not eight or nine years old, but I don't care. He's still small enough He still can't get on all the rides. So we should still just send him out there. Well, I mean if you want I don't know what happened So what I'm wondering is do we know what happened and you guys are gonna have to put on the headphones Uh to hear brad when we call him. I mean 300 thousand dollars is a lot of fucking money. I don't have brad's number all right Because this thing really captivated the nation last week and put the phone in the middle of the table. Hey, brother. What's up, man? It's theo Hey, buddy. How are you? Doing fantastic. Hey, man. Thanks for answering the call. I'm uh, we got chris distefano here

Um in the podcast right now and sup brad Hey, buddy. Hey, uh, chris. I'm seeing you on thursday. Yes on thursday, man. We're gonna do kim all together Oh, y'all are a little stand-up. Yeah We'll do it. We should we could do that. I'm down to do that Yeah, we're yeah, we're gonna do a uh, jeff dunham But brad only if chris sits on your lap Yeah, we're doing a reverse jeff dunham Oh, yeah, yeah, it's gonna be great. Well, that's your hand up my ass. It's one of my favorite sex news

The reverse jeff dunham. Yeah, you can you you can get a reverse jeff dunham at the uh At the uh, cat house in vegas. Let's do it. Dude. That's why I'll stay an extra night then You don't need an extra night, bro. You just stop by during the day. I don't do that Don't be that creeper that hangs out at me and brad daylight cat house You're gonna be living in the apartments Oh god brad we had uh We talked about the quaint and bales thing on the podcast last week and um, and everybody's been talking about it

I know that you did a fundraiser for him. Can you kind of take us through a little bit of that and where you're at now with it? Yeah, no problem First of all, uh, first of all, he's nine years old everybody. Okay, so stop with your damn conspiracy theories Uh, he's nine years old. Anyway, uh, I got I got wind of the video because uh, I've got some australian fans that kept sending me the video And I don't know like why they kept sending it to me. Just like hey, you're a dwarf. He's a dwarf. You can help him Like I like I don't know I don't know what they were thinking like Yeah, like I've got some hotline or something. Yeah

Uh, but I saw but I saw the video and like anyone who saw the video who's got a pulse. I was Uh, really moved by it. Uh, of course, of course, I'm a Fellow little person. He's got the same kind of dwarfism that I do and I was bully growing up So it really it it really spoke to me. So I thought I got to do something but I can't You know, I'm uh, I'm out in Los Angeles. What can I do? He's in australia? So I thought well, I'll throw together a go fummy page and send the kid to disneyland I grew up going to disneyland kids love disneyland. So, uh, I did that set the goal at ten thousand dollars because with ten thousand dollars You can buy them flights tickets and maybe two churros. Uh, those things are expensive. Yeah

And I figured, you know, that that'd be that'd be a good time. So I said at ten thousand dollars I tweeted it out and then I went to bed and uh, the next day It was at eighteen thousand dollars Damn And then uh, Hugh Jackman talked about it. William Shatner talked about it It started getting passed around all these celebrities Uh, and then currently we're at four hundred and sixty thousand dollars. Damn Oh, that's what theo gets for a weekend

Oh boy is gonna buy disneyland and I'm thrilled about that I hope it dwarf owns disneyland because then probably no more height requirements. I'll be good. I'll be great Yes, space mountain all day And so whenever the whenever the the conspiracy theories came out, I mean just because you know people are skeptical of everything Um, what did you do then? Oh, man, I just kind of let it go like I got if if if I chase down every person that was Talking about it or saying that he's 18 years old or that he's he's not really 18. He's a 45 year old actor

Yeah, just weird stuff. Yeah people saying he's in Dunkirk. He was in Dunkirk That's what people were saying. That's hilarious. What were they dropping them out of the plane? All kind of shit. I have no idea He played one of the bombs Dropping them onto the Germans Yeah, people were there were all kinds of conspiracy theories people were saying that he worked for the city I remember somewhere outside of Acre and there was all kind of wild stuff But did you did you check with him? Did you do any other recon to make sure that you were like did you have any question?

Yeah, I mean, I just wanted to make sure that uh, he's a good kid and that you know, he's a kid but I got the FaceTime with him and uh FaceTime with both him and his mom And that's back when the fundraiser was at $20,000 and it really hadn't picked up yet And uh news organizations weren't really talking about it Uh, so I was FaceTime with him. He seems like a fun normal kid And then once it started going above like $50,000 $75,000 Uh, I started reaching out to a bunch of different people that um run charities and do these kind of things Things all things all the time

GoFundMe is an incredible website Uh, because once a fundraiser hits a certain point, they assign a team to that fundraiser So I had a team from GoFundMe and constant communication and they vetted everything They they looked into everything. They did amazing work. So and yeah, where does the money go? Well, and uh, we we posted an update on the page Uh, so Caden and his family actually released a statement that said That they are turning down the trip to disneyland and they want all the money to just go to charity. Wow So that's dope. He's ridiculous. Are you gonna pick the charities? Is he picked a charity? How does it work?

Uh, I did another FaceTime call with him and and his mom And we kind of went through all all the charities that we wanted to go through Because if you look at the original wording on my GoFundMe, I said any excess money would be donated to charity Uh, so we we picked some great charities and uh, they're actually posted right now on the GoFundMe page We picked uh six different charities Uh Some some charities right. Yeah, no stomp out bullying Born this way. Those are two charities in the united states. There's four charities in in in australia

We're giving about 66 000 dollars to each of those charities and then whatever money is left over I I decided to give it to Caden and his family and said, uh, you guys can spend that money However, you want. I know you're turning down money But many people donated to this fund with the thought of their money going directly to the family Right, so I thought and is it and is it 400 000 us or australian? What's the currency? Yeah, it's a 450 000 us, which is a little over 700 000 australian. Yo, they could buy one of those fucking they could buy the aborigine people

with that Right, not all of them. You could buy probably a couple couple of them. Yeah Oh And uh, this is a good time to add that uh, some of the charities are anti racism charities that stand up for the rights of the Aborigine people absolutely as do I? I'm a man an aborigine person. Have you? Yeah, I would love I would I would love to meet one I know because I have a I don't think I have any aborigine fans, but I'm looking for that That's one of the things I'm trying to get from my podcast There you go. You got to get some

And yeah, and and I and I Brad too because you know because I'm only I'm just a victim of the internet as well There's like all these pictures are like, oh, he's 19 years old. He's with strippers. He's got guns I mean, how do they do all that? Like what like what is it? Listen photo shop The internet is an amazing place Uh, both good and bad. I mean, there were there were people that were spreading rumors that like Oh, uh, like there was some Like I looked at a lot of this stuff because I wanted to make sure that the that the money was going to a good spot There was one person who had a facebook talk show that said like that caden was like this nine-year-old running around

Uh, the school like sexually assaulting girls and I mean there They they said that their proof was that they read one facebook comment That's and they posted the facebook comment and it said, oh a friend of mine his His kid goes to the same school and knows some girls was this happened I'm like really you're going through all this off of facebook comment. Yeah, that's ridiculous man Yeah, do you we're going nuts? Is there I mean, yeah, there's all kind of stuff somebody people said he opened up for gucci main There was all kind of I mean Well, that that is the problem is when uta signs him and he starts taking dates away from everybody. We're gonna be like fuck you brad

That's a great point, man. This is you know, they signed bagel boy bagel boss. Yeah, they had this kid named lightning rock Uh lightning rock. I don't want to say lightning rod lightning rod me maybe when I was growing up Some guy they got hit by lightning and they tried to tour him around locally. Really? Yeah, he was probably moving major tickets I wouldn't do anything maybe 40 tickets Not Caden will sell out now. What about this brad? Are there higher costs associated with being like a Little person growing up like are there costs that are there extra costs? Yeah, well like just in terms of I mean at your most basic cost

Uh most clothes that uh, I would like to buy Don't fit me. So you got to get stuff that Tailored unless you just want to be Walking around with like a shirt that has bob the builder on it, but uh, I doubt you want that So, yeah, you have extra tailoring and then plus a lot of little people have Medical problems whether whether it be neck or Uh leg surgeries. I've had one dwarf related surgery on my legs. So yeah, they they can they they can get problems that way as well So that's why I wanted to give the family a little bit of money

Just because if those kind of things are coming up with Caden I want to make sure that they're taken care of and that's what people who gave money to the campaign wanted as well So, uh, yeah, that's dope. Yeah And that's dope and and it's really great and really and and people stepped up and we ended up donating a ton of money to charity That's going to anti bullying and anti abuse uh, anti racism charities, so A lot of people are a lot of people are going to be helped in a very positive way because of this Yeah, not be more thankful. Yeah, man. And I know, you know, because you're I'm a I'm a dad

I know you're a new dad. Congrats. It's like when I see stuff like that and I'm sure it's the same with you It's like you can't help but think like what if that was my child being abused that way? Like, you know, so it's great that you can that you made an effort and did it because I there's things There's times when I see videos like that I'm like, I can't what if that was my daughter and then I have a chance to donate and I just watch pornhub or do something different But you actually went out there and made a difference Which is why you're happily married and I'm you know single living with don de pedo on his couch

There's still time I still yeah, that's why I got visitation rights But you you know, but you have a full happy family There's still time All right. Uh, thanks so much, man. And uh, yeah, at least chris will be warmed up for your podcast later this week, man Hey, sounds great. Thank you guys gang gang everybody. Uh before he hangs up. Can you hear me? Yeah What's the quickest way to uh get to your go fund me because when you just search on go fund me We can't find it. So how can we get to the actual go fund me? Oh, uh, if you guys still want to donate to the go fund me because it is still open

Uh, you can Probably quickest way is just to go to my twitter and then scroll down the tweets and you'll find you'll find links I'm on twitter at funny brad and uh, if not, I'm sure you can just google uh go fund me for uh, bullied australian boy and Something's gonna pop up. There'll be news articles. There'll be links Uh, you can definitely $460,000 in there already. So Yeah, oh man, I had so and I had so many friends that were like It really makes you realize who your friends are because I had so many friends that were like

Uh, send sending me messages like dude, imbezzle it take it go to sweden Go to sweden. Yeah, what the fuck? So what if you disguised yourself as quaden and went to disneyland? Oh, shave get shave get a tan. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, it could happen, man Uh, dude, thanks so much. It's such a it's such a cool story to hear man. And um Yeah, just thanks for jumping on the line with us and sharing that No problem. Love you guys. Love the podcast see see on thursday crecy thursday brad. Thank you man. Peace It's that time. That's right This winter you should start a new routine and upgrade your everyday life with a monthly box of awesome

Imagine a box shows up and what's in it? Oh awesome That's right a box of awesome from bespoke post Bespoke post Sins guys only the best stuff every month. What do you have guy? I got the best So whether you're looking to commemorate an occasion with a champagne saber or toast perfectly with aged winter cocktails box of awesome

Has you covered from style and grooming goods to barware cooking tools and outdoor gear Box of awesome has carefully built collections for every part of your life If you're not doing awesome, you can be to get started take the quiz at boxofawesome.com Your answers will help them pick the right box of awesome for you They release new boxes every month across a ton of different categories It's free to sign up and you can skip a month or cancel at any time Each box costs only 45 bucks, but has over 70 bucks worth of gear inside I just got my box of awesome from bespoke post. I got this beautiful, uh green

Um traveling carry bag and i'm really excited about using it when I go to Maui Sorry to brag, but i'm so excited Right now you can get 20 off your first monthly box when you sign up at boxofawesome.com And enter the code thio at checkout. That's boxofawesome.com Code teo for 20 off your first box Support this past weekend get that box of awesome and now back to chris. What a great guy. Yeah, and about last night That's their podcast, right? Yeah. Yeah. Well, actually, uh, that's just Adam right now. Brad's not on anymore

Oh, right. Oh, he's not in the pod. Yeah, so he um, yeah, brad's gonna get rewarded in the afterlife for that You know, because I don't know like there's certain rules and regulations with little people in the afterlife They have to do certain tasks. Absolutely. They have to do certain tasks to get into no, that's that movie you're talking about I thought that was reality. Oh, that's right. That's right. Yeah, because I um Because yeah, I wasn't sure and I wanted to ask brad but I kind of chickened out is because the thing is like they all kind of Look alike to me. Well, people so I was kind of wanting to be like brad like, you know, brad looks different You know famous and doing well, but like all the other ones like all these little pictures Like I don't know it's all the same to me. Well, dude, I saw I respect them all but I just you know what I mean

I do I respect them all I keep my distance safely and I respect them all I'll tell you this. I saw two cats attack a Attack a little person in her most of each and this is about seven years ago We're probably about 11 years ago now. I saw two cats attack a little person in Hermosa, dude And it was insane, bro. It was like Rome. It was like watching ancient Rome go. Really? Yeah. I kissed a little Woman on the lips. Yeah, like a couple years ago made out after the show beautiful beautiful spirit beautiful soul And uh, was that in where baltimore? That was not in baltimore. That was actually outside banana's comedy club

Oh, over there has the heights. Yep. I made out with a little little girl not a little girl A little A little woman I made out with a little person who was a legally aged woman in her 20s Damn, what an ironic name for the city hasburg heights. There you go. Nikki bangs Bang hitting them hard. Yo, dude, brad was talking about disney world too. I just came from or disney land Which I think is a great thing that he's doing Disney world I just took my daughter to disney world in Orlando. Oh, wow me my mother and my daughter

And now has this been a lifelong dream or something? Is this been like one of those things or have you taken your kid before? I wanted to take I wanted to take my daughter for christmas time. Delilah. Delilah. She's on the wall I wanted to take my daughter Delilah to Germany for christmas this year. Yeah, I wanted to go all out as christmas as you can get. Let's go to germany I wanted to show her. I wanted to show her Um, where christmas started. Yeah, and where the white rays start. Oh, yeah I want to show her where where the humble beginnings of the like

Um, no, um, I'm kidding, but I'm just fucking around. You got to know. I'm just fucking around. I know you're fucking around, bro No, but it's dwarf jokes. I'm just kidding around But I said I want to buy aborigine people and it's like they're slaves over there fucking I'm being an idiot, but don't cut it. I said you could buy a few. I know I could buy the race Yeah, that's a discount, man. I'll go fund me and also it's like You know all those surgeries doesn't have universal health care. Yeah Yeah, what are you gonna do for where in australia? Yeah for the leg surgeries that he'll he'll need

Well, they could yeah, I just don't I don't know if they do or not. They've universal health care I'm just kidding around. They do have yeah, but I'm just kidding. I just hope people know I'm just joking around. Yeah, because I you feel like you have to be you have to say that now in these But am I not helping you with my vibes? Because sometimes I'll say something you'll just look at me and just what the bottom of your you'll just start curling The bottom of your mullet with your finger. I'll just see what I'll just see your fucking hair That's a sign for help. Yeah, you'll just be like, yo I'm like, you're just looking at me. You'll unbutton a button nicky bangs. Oh, okay. You know Don's texting women

Don's in a full sex hall So Have you ever been texting somebody like about sex and you're having like a business conversation or something? Somebody else at the same time. Yeah. Well today on the plane I fell asleep I was flying jebloida and I fell asleep on my phone was open and some girls and my snapchat was open Some girls sent her titties on snapchat while the flight attendant. I was just having my eyes closed and the flight attendant gave me my breakfast But yeah, those titties were open

On on my tray Dude, I had a woman on the plane once wake me up from being asleep and tell me my penis was erect, bro No, bothering her. Yeah, really what'd you do? Yeah, she said your body sir your body Didn't you used to go and manipulate women's vaginas though for health reasons? Wasn't that used to be an old job? We used to talk about it on opi. Yep. We used to do orgasmic meditation Right. You still fuck with that or no? I don't I've been there's some people trying to get me back into it but I think they're just kind of looking for You know, I don't know. I just it's too much time. It's just I don't have the time right now

Right, dude. I went to disney. I went to disney world, right? And they were pride in themselves because like I said, I want to take you to germany I want to take my daughter to germany and I said to my mom and she's latina. Isn't she's latina. She's puerto rican Puerto rican. She's half puerto rican half, you know, german irish, italian just white. Yeah clockmaker. She's white Yeah, she's just fucking clockmaker Just white european and then I've seen the nutcracker, dude. Yeah. Yeah. So that's just me west side story. It's just me so So I tell her I tell my mom. I'm like, hey, do you want to come with us to germany?

Um, I want to take my daughter to germany and you could come through i'll buy you a plane ticket You know, you could babysit or whatever when I go out and get these german guys, you know brothels or whatever late night and um And my mom goes no, we're not going to go to germany Let's go to disney world and if you want to go to germany We could just go to epcot and go to the german country and we can have some beers because she's four years old Why are you taking her to germany? I'm like, this is my idea. I just want to show her christmas She's like she's too young. She's not going to have a good time. So my mother convinced me to go to disney So we go to disney here's the thing

So first of all that the trip starts off disney world starts off poorly because I had I I um I just come off great runner shows at gotham comedy club beautiful new york city great my hometown christmas zillia legend of the zilly legend great shows And every time I pee it's burning. It's burning. I got a little sting. So I'm like, ah, fuck You've been having sex with random women. I've been having unprotected sex. Yep. So I'm just like for months before that You know, I probably had unprotected sex about 40 plus women. Wow. Yeah. Yeah, so that's they don't call me christie drip drop for nothing So I've since improved but you know, man, bro No, I like you out there and you ain't afraid to get you know, just to be a human christie drip drop, baby taking chances

But yeah, so so anyway, so the trip is going good. First of all, you know You're in about $10,000 to have you know, your mother and your daughter go you're in about it's about 10 g's So first day we get there we go to the magic kingdom and you get there And all they do is pride themselves all disney world does is pride themselves on How it uh, how friendly they are to the uh, nature economy. How do you say that how they're um, what? They're uh, eco friendly. They're eco friendly. So they're saying they use paper straws All we do is use paper straws. You love us paper straws. Ba ba ba ba ba Then I take my daughter to get her hair done at the Bippity Boppity boutique

Which is the boutique in the magic kingdom 600 fucking dollars to get her hair done an extra would you get it done into dude a hot air balloon? I got it done into nicks banks. It has about 600 So $600 to get her done with the prince. She got a cinderella dress. She got her hair done by cinderella So it's a whole experience and then and then extra 50 bucks for tea I saw them making the tea at a fucking curig in the back. So bullshit. So it's like, okay Paper straws using paper straws. You'll save the turtles, but you'll rape You'll rape the fucking parents, right?

So all fucked up So I was pissed off because my mother had my credit card because I was take I was on my phone a lot I was responding to emails, you know sexed and I was in a full sex hole and work hole While my daughter and mother are experiencing these beautiful things at disneyland So I'm just for you. You're like, I'm just fully out of my mind, right? Oh, yeah. Yeah, so I'm being an idiot So my mother's like, listen, why don't you I will meet you back here in two hours Give me a credit card and then my see my mx just getting fucking hit up Bippity Boppity boutique six hundo Getting taffy and caricature. Yeah, my mom my mom got shirts, you know

You know that wild western drawing where they get his fake gun. Yo, I was gone for two hours. She hit my car for $2,300 Kizash Yeah, and I just it's like fuck So then I'm like because then I got stressed out when you get stressed out and you have chlamydia on deck when you have STD brewing when you get stressed out it really starts to flow So I was like, shit, I know I have it. So I call my boy who's an ER doctor and I explained to him the signs and symptoms He was like, fuck. Hey drop off a bag of salt over Yeah, he was like that's a haunted castle. He was like, that's an std man. How quick can you get back to new york?

New york, I said, this is day one of my disney trip. We're at the magic kingdom He goes, all right, send me your location. So I sent him the location He sent gets a pharmacy like whatever 10 miles away But in Orlando still still kind of like on the outskirts of disney like a oh not in disney No, no, but like on the not on the disney property But like where disney people who work for disney like their local cvs Okay, so he goes out there calls in the std fucking medication for me. So I go there swinging us Everyone's got little kids, you know, so I throw medicine people buying binky. Everyone's got little kimms, too

A little kimms, and I'm over there and I go I go over there and I pick up STD medication I had a goofy shirt on I had a goofy shirt on and I left disney hat on and I forgot That because I was dressed, you know, my daughter was like you got to dress where your disney shit Yeah, so I picked up std men. I took them my daughter and mother back to the hotel. I said, hey, listen I'm just going to go for a jog and I got in uber and I went and picked up those std meds with my goofy shirt on And I popped those and then I started to feel better Start to feel a little bit better and now I'm proud to say that I've been Chrissy condoms

I was Chrissy celibacy for a month after that and now I've been exclusively Chrissy condoms But even now that I've been wearing condoms exclusively still sometimes when I pee it burns a little I'm like, do I did I get one bat? Did one sneak through the condom or do you think that that's just me being hyperactive? And anxious if I'm using the condoms you wouldn't worry about the std. I think what do you say? I think you could have muscle memory probably in your penis or something that and it has that recall a little bit of having The symptom have you ever got sniped you've got burnt with an std. Yep. I got something one time I was living with a guy this guy named kin actually We had a couple cats dude and he used to get stoned and make them do tricks in the living room and something

Jumping these boxes. Yeah, and uh And when I was leaving when I was moving out he said hey People are going to come look at the uh the place, you know And so some lady came by and checked it out and she was attractive and so I started hitting on her right and um And then that night She and I went out right and he's just said to me He's like dude do not hook up with this young lady who is Is potentially going to live here, you know, like I need somebody to live here, right? I will not do that right

And then I hooked up with that night in the room right next to his room And you went raw daddy. I I I don't believe I had any condoms at the time and uh Would you catch the clap gonorrhea? No, she caught something from me But she told me she said hey You have something and I don't know if I did have something because I didn't have something before I think she was lying but then one of us had something and uh, and you had to go get rid of it Yeah, I got chlamydia, but it was good though But you never had any symptoms of the chlamydia. It wasn't bad

No, but you just go get something you get rid of it and that's the only scare that I right It's like it's kind of like a sore throat before your dick In a way it's like your dick is almost going through a tough time after a war or something. It feels like yeah It's a little beat up. It's like your dick. Yes. Just on the injured reserve list, but it's it's going to make a full comeback Yeah, yeah, it's almost exciting a little it's like a little bit of a badge of I you know, I hear from older men. It used to be a badge of honor back in the day But how do you come back as chlamydia, you know, how do you combat being single pain? You know, let's do a champagne and getting all the attention that you do from females

How do you how do you not fall into a sex addict hole? Do you just not respond to people because sometimes I text you and you don't text back And I want to know if there's ladies out there that feel that way as well. Oh, I don't know man. I mean, I think Uh, how do I not I mean, I'll do some flirting here and there, you know Like but you don't respond to all these ladies on the dm No, because I'm constantly responding and I have to I've been I've made a very recent effort Like the last 72 hours. I actually posted a video on my stories and I said, hey I know I give you guys a lot of energy. I love you. Thank you so much for your support

But if I leave you on scene or if I just double tap the message, don't don't take it disrespectfully I just I got I got to take care of me first because I was a little life Yeah, I was fully too much invested in that phone and in those dms And I said, you know, and there was a point where I was having sex no condoms and then I even having sex with the condoms I'm like, even though you're protecting yourself, which is good. You're still the act is still you're still delving into all this energy And all this oh, yeah, it's a ton of extra energy I haven't recently haven't really had as much energy to really just be out milling around, you know You're jerking off a lot. Try not to jerk off that much. I did masturbate yesterday. I didn't want to

So that was really a kind of a wild event, but Do you watch porn? No, try not to watch porn. I don't jerk it like this either I don't know I've a I lay my penis on my stomach and I put my hands like this and I rub the base of my penis and I come Into my belly button Oh, wow. Yeah, that's always the way I've mastered. It sounds so french. I feel like it's always the way I masturbate I make like a little pussy a puse with my thumbs and I rub the base hit it, Nick Yeah, Nick Nick doesn't make you say you're rapping, but um, yeah, and I blow it alone into my belly button

Yeah, and I used to let it glaze glaze over too and just my shirts or shorts were always stuck to my belly But I used to rip it off when I was a kid and I was I would always have a cut my belly button People thought I used to have my belly button pierced, but it wasn't it was from the cum dried up on my stomach that would rip off It was a skintop, brother. Yeah, dude. Are we doing all right on this podcast? Is this all right? I think we're good All right, this is fantastic. I know that if I ejaculate I will use it now when I was young I wouldn't do anything with that. I would deposit it or ejaculate into like a bowl or into a um You know into a toilet or something. I now I will actually use some of it on my body as like a You know legitimately as an ointment or a staff. I've never been in a voluntary

Gay sex act, but when I was a kid I was like the runt of my friend group I was like 10 and my friends were 13 14 I could see that and the mckenzie brothers one time I was taking his shit. Were they redheaded? Uh, no, but they were twins and they had shaved heads. They were crazy irish kids from queens One of them sat on my legs when I was taking a shit and the other one jumped on my mom's sink and skull fucked me Two pumps and my head hit off the back The backs I swear to god the back ceramic tile and knocked down one of my mom's ceramic tiles And and I told it I was horsing around playing ball

But really I got skull fucked by one of these dudes and I remember tasting a little bit of his precom and Yeah, it was weird man. I took one right off the uvula and I didn't And I didn't uh, that's a hot. I didn't like it. No the problem is I didn't like it I did not like it, but I also didn't hate it. So that's why I'll say I can confidently tell you that I'm 100 I'm 100 sure. I am not gay, but I'm also 100 sure. I'm not straight. So you tell me what that means Well, I think there's a there's a thing called where element of surprise gay Where somebody surprises you with a gay act like a pearl harbor gay. Yeah, like pearl harbor But yeah, suddenly you're just resting and then a bunch of wieners fall on your house a sneak attack gay

Yeah, like that kind of thing is like because there's been times where I you knew when I've been walking You know when we've been in new york when we were very close So I I was definitely falling in love with the conversations we were having I was about to hold your hand or something like that Really? Yes. Yo, just remember there was one time we were in here wearing pinstripe pants like locomotive pants Yeah, I used to love those pants and I bought them very cheap. Yeah, man. Those locomotive pants. I remember. Yeah, you know All aboard. Yeah all aboard. You know, because you kind of have a little bit of a fucking cake ass I got that key stuff, bro. You could do got a key. I got that german key here's a white guy right here from lord of the rings Let's see what he has

Literally This chris. No, there's literally a two percent chance That you'll die if you get the corona virus Two It's just a flu Gang gang gang, bro. I didn't say anything about the corona virus though I we use to solicit questions for you the video of you having anxiety tuesday, right? So I think he thinks you're going a little but well the whole thing about anxiety tuesday, you know

Hopefully get some new fans come over to me the anxiety tuesday. I never do it on a tuesday Um, I don't do it every every I do it once every other week and it's always playing it's always Sarcasm and satire about something so that corona virus video although i'm appearing to be saying i'm anxious about it The point of anxiety tuesday is to be satire because I agree with him that it's not something to really worry about Yeah, I think it's not something to worry about. I feel I mean But also and then in two weeks you and I could be deceased, you know, it could be I wouldn't be shocked if something A disease gets created that That we can't solve. Um, I think the chinese created it in the lab

I don't think I think people like m&m kind of I think exactly happy black history month. Well, uh, thank you And also I want to say also happy women's month. Thank you. Oh, yeah, it is women's month. Yes 5g now there's a theory out there that 5g created. Have you seen this news 5g? Is he a rapper as well? No 5g the wireless. Oh, okay. Yeah 5g wireless, which was created over there in wuhan Right in the wuhan clan. Yeah that that is where That that's the thing that's created it is the I don't think for a second that it wasn't created in a lab It feels like it feels like it was created in a lab to cause hysteria As just something else you can blame donald trump for

I wouldn't be surprised if the democrat I wouldn't be surprised if a casio cortez and the wuhan lab created that a wuhan Yeah, straight out of wuhan if some and elizabeth warren and joe biden and all those liberals cox created the the The corona virus put that shit Made the masks with the masks are made in china, which everyone wears They dip those in corona virus sell the mask to us and we spread it and it crashes the economy gets trump out of office But here's the truth. You can't get trump out of office. He'll always be here to stay. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, I mean he could be here for a long time social media conspiracies blame corona virus on 5g internet

This is what i'm talking about right here. And this is um, she'll get kissed on this lady would get cracked open and cleaned out Uh, I like her lips. Yeah, this lady is uh, by the way I just wanted to say I was joking about the trump democrat. I was just kidding. I have no political affiliation Oh, dude. Look, I think that I don't hate trump. I don't love him anytime somebody starts winning They definitely release a lot of information to like try and cannibalism. Remember they said a few weeks ago that the russians were russian bots were supporting bernie Remember that like what like it's just like it just never ends. I don't believe the news anymore I'm not a news believer, but I will say this though

So now that's the interesting theory that 5g why that 5g Created it that that that's what's causing it because wouldn't it be interesting if they had a Technological advancement that we don't know the side effects of which is probably most of them Right that we don't know the side effects like what if we created like a wireless or some sort of a You know a thing that's flowing through our body sometimes through the air And it causes a disease and it's that could it sounds like pretty feasible pretty feasible But it's so far. Have there been people that have beaten the coronavirus and 100 cleared it already and it's gone most people Most people

Yeah, that's one of those things. Yeah, you got to show me a dead, bro SMA D, bro. Show me a dead before I go full. Well, some people are dying, but it seems like it's more elderly wear Yeah, but that's just a dead an old person dies and they should do a snap of him. Oh, he's granny left You want to see somebody at the top of their fucking game? Yeah drop dead of the coronavirus Yeah, dude. I want to see Tyson fury freaking take, you know, yeah, take it. Yeah 92,000 cases 48,000 have recovered 3,000 have died That's worldwide. Yeah, and so the flu I bet those 3,000 are babies and old people so the seasonal flu kills way more than that

Okay Okay, I mean, it's listen. You can worry about everything. Here's a guy right here. Huh? This is a guy from obviously from the 1920s a good guy. Yeah, he's got a nice moustache one of those strongmen with the Oh, yeah with the 200 pound dumbbells. He votes for Trump. What's going on y'all? G-boy Shane dog here. What's up, Shane? I'm in Ellensburg, Washington Wanted to let you both know I love both of you guys you guys are both two of my favorite comedians

You guys give me something to look forward to every week and you guys make me laugh non-stop You guys are killing it and please keep doing what y'all are doing now. This question here is a little bit more directed towards crystal clear Chrissy little chlamydia Chrissy over here. I need to ask him a real serious question I'm going to New York for the first time. I got nominated for an award for my college radio show And so did my station. So I'm going out there. I'm going to be put up in Manhattan Pretty close to Madison Square Garden and there's a lot of things you can do in New York But I want to know what your authentic New York experience is for some west coast kid Trying to go out and be an east coast cutie with a smoothie out here in these streets

And Theo I'd like to know Where what's your favorite spot in New York? What do you like about New York? I want your opinion on New York Okay gang gang and ladder 14. Yeah, that's nice. That's nice. Um, I like yeah I like uh, I like uh, two out of three your fans so far to have lisp's You got a heavy lisp fan. Yeah got lit. Yeah, we got a lot of damage Damaged dudes. Yeah, so I like that kid a lot. I just got an endearing voice I think anyone with a little bit of a lisp like that it's endearing to me. I would like to list down the radio Do you think he has a lisp though? I think he has a list. I kept wiping my cheeks. I thought he was spitting on me

Yeah, through the camera I think you might just have a you you could have unique shape. You have a very unique shape Hey, what if the sound's not coming in right? That's true. My head is fucked up. No, but I like that kid I like this mustache. I like he seemed like a real nice kid So what I'm gonna tell him to do is when he's come to come to uh, new york city experience I'm gonna say he could come through to come through to my crib Yep, that's what I'm gonna say is that unique experience just for him He could come through and he could come tickle me with that mustache

Just like the mckenzie brothers. Yeah, no I think um, I think what he should do is go get a slice of pizza from joes in the west village by the comedy seller I think you should go see a stand-up show at the comedy seller or one of his comedians that he knows He's a fan of his performing in new york city. Go see him or her headline at gotham or caroline's comedy club If not, go see go down to the comedy seller or the stan comedy club or new york comedy club He's a great venues um to see a show go get a slice of pizza from joes Um, I would say if he's never been there It's just an experience to walk over the brooklyn bridge because it's scary as fuck when you get into the middle

Because it's only wooden plank so you can see down Hundreds of feet below you and you'll fall to your death Definitely see brooklyn. I would go to bay ridge brooklyn along with williamsburg and some of the trendy You know quinoa flea market places also go to deep brooklyn like go to bay ridge because it's like a different experience because In williamsburg, you know, it'll be like I said quinoa and flea markets and scooters But then in bay ridge like the day after trump won the election in 2016 There was a cafe out there giving out free black and white cookies So you want to see both extremes of you know

They gave they were giving cups of marinara sauce into my daughter's halloween trick-or-treat bag at nino's pizza on third avenue I was beautiful and they're calling it bats blood. So it's different different types of experiences in brooklyn. So I would go see that um And then uh, you could come you could come with me Uh, if you're there on a tuesday afternoon, we go take my father to dialysis at colleges statin island hospital If you'd like to come there you can come see um him get his blood filtered. How many bags is he doing? I want to say two bags two three bags easy work Yeah, you want to talk about farts

This guy he doesn't my father doesn't wear underwear anymore. Yeah, because he constantly shits his pants Well, dude, if you're running on somebody else's blood, who knows what kind of gas is in it? That's true. You know, that's true You got to think about that. I really like your fan. I like this part of the podcast where fans come in Dude, the best fans man. The best listeners the best group. We got such a yeah, the whole just constantly amazes me man And that young fellow said he's going to new york for the first time and what did he ask me? What do you like about new york? What's your new york experience? I say you got to go down to alphabet city, man That's what you got to say

It's your last place to get still get mugged anywhere in manhattan I feel like kind of in that area you got to go down there Down up maybe second and b or something or it goes even further go to c or d Yeah, a and b is a little hipster honka-donk now But once you get to c it starts to fade and then d you're in the full hood Yes avenue d you you will get stabbed right now There you go, and that's the last place you can still do it anywhere else. It's just more it's just changed a lot The Bronx you could still get stabbed a little bit, but the Bronx is going too far to the way

But if you want to be on the island of Manhattan, I agree with Theo go to avenue d to get yourself shanked Yeah, get shanked see somebody's telegram learn a little bit of spanish or something do it all You know they just have a different vibe down there. It's still a little Risky, and that's what I like you could do. You know, you do you know, there's a lot of the dark arts basically brother I just also want to send a quick shout out rip to the neighborhood crackhead that I grew up with which is also See I would where I grew up in ridgewood bushwick. It used to be a place. We could get stabbed, but unfortunately now It's all like vegan cupcake stuff, but there still was the neighborhood crackhead homeless guy who was I mean We thought he was gonna die in 1997. He just died recently Scotty karate just passed away

And he was the neighborhood guy used to he would sing a Billy Joel song and then he would do whatever thing Anything you wanted him to do he would do for a dollar So I remember one time he back flipped into these shards of glass knocked himself unconscious And then we just put a dollar on his chest or he would do, you know, roofing work He would fix you anything you give him a dollar and call him Scotty karate and he would have no shirt on and sweatpants Almost 12 months a year. Damn. So and he survived for a long time. So I just want to say shout out Scotty karate Yeah, all right peace Scotty and also yeah, they had a guy bus and he was mentally challenged or something happened to him And he was um, he used to ride a bike a woman's bike that had like a little baby seat in the back

And the baby seat was always empty, you know, and he said he had a little husband that used to And people are always like, damn, where's your little husband at? And so he would always just tell us he had a little bit of a he had like a little husband that used to He was looking for him or something and yeah, I don't know what happened to that guy But it's funny to grow up the way we grew up like how you grew up in the like it's very relatable Like you grew up in the deep south and I grew up in kind of the deep Brooklyn deep Brooklyn where it's like You had your there was just different names But but like like for example like we both have neighborhood crackheads or we both have like crazy uncles

Like I have an uncle who somebody robbed my mother Um, and and then at the local bodega He used to hang out the local bodega and I guess they had this robbery ring going out of this bodega They would steal women's purses and steal their credit cards and their money or whatever or whatever And they stole my mom's purse one day on the corner and then a couple of days later My uncle was in the bodega because he was just chilling drink beers there And they were talking about how they just ripped off this lady and he was like what she looked like and And my uncle's like, oh, that's my sister-in-law. You know, he didn't know oh, he said it in his head

That's my sister-in-law And so whatever they kept drinking continuing drinking drinking and then later on that night my uncle I didn't know this. I was a little kid. I only found this out a couple years ago the guy No, what he did was he took they got drunk They went back into my uncle's garage, which is in the back backyard of my house and my uncle beat him up and then tied him up And uh melted the skin off his knees with a blowtorch For stealing my mom's bag and then he got my mom's it couldn't get the credit cards back But he got the cat he got cash the amount of cash that he thought she would have he got it back

So it's like that's a crazy uncle you I'm sure you have maybe not that exact story, but a crazy uncle Yeah, no, we don't I mean, it's it's a I think it was just growing up in a different time too and people could do more Stuff without everybody constantly ratting everybody out and no Twitter's just a big snitch fast on there man It's just so many snitches. We got a question that came in from a guy right here. Oh, yeah. Yeah, we run out. We good on time Theo's got about five. Yeah, we're good. Yeah, and this guy's in a free conch This is uh, christelia supporter right here This guy looks a little dirty, but like a nice guy Yeah, you look like he's done. I bet he's done chef work or just some UFC, but I like hey, what's up, Theo?

What's up, Chrissy D baby gorgeous. Hope you guys are doing great Um, my name is Nick. I am from Aurora, Illinois And my question for uh, chris actually for both of you if you both could answer this would be great But for chris, I know that you had started a career in physical therapy And um, I was wondering what was the moment and what made you decide to pursue stand-up full-time? And what like what was going on? I'm always curious to know like what it was that made you transition into uh, different career paths Like it was stand-up. Maybe just a hobby. Was it always a passion?

Um, and how was that for you? How did that go and for you as well, Theo? Like what were you doing when you decided that you were going to do Stand-up and become a comedian full-time and how was that like for you as well? Uh, it's something I'm always interested in to know with uh, with anyone that pursues something as crazy as stand-up. So Uh, thanks guys. Thank you so much. Uh, I appreciate it. Have a great rest of the day gang gang gang Thank you very articulate. I did not expect him to be as articulate and well spoken and well mannered Uh, and soft it's like in a positive way. Yeah, as he was I thought it was going to come out because last time I did your podcast your fans were just coming out swinging

Saying I want to fight you. Fuck you But now it's yeah because because they were only going off what they had seen of me and what they had seen to me Was you and I ripping each other ripping from opi, but now again positive because I came on your show And some of your fans start listening to my stuff. I could see they're using calling me baby gorgeous and christy chlamydia They listen so it's a different thing. Yeah, I appreciate all this Yeah, look man. I appreciate you. I'm glad you're that you're here, dude. The good the good thing I haven't held a guy's hands like this. Hold on bro. Come on man. You got those fingers, bro Huh, you got those fucking perfect ass fingers. They're not perfect, dude. I'm very very

Like kind of the hands of the you could barely fucking choke somebody if they have somebody else just come and help you Nah, dude, they're fucking good in there. So and you don't bite your nails either Um, I do my but my thumbs are good. You got sexy ass cuticles. Really? I think so look at this finger Kind of oh, that's that finger is disgusting. That looks like et. Yeah. Yeah, that's gross. Yeah, you actually fingers are a little long Yeah, but I mean their fingers though. They shouldn't be real not long. You could just rock your toes, man With no I'm just my feet are disgusting. They grow over each other. I could easily see that. It's disgusting Yeah, you almost you look like somebody who would have webbed feet almost I don't have webbed feet, but I believe I was born with broken feet and they never fixed it

Yeah, I just my feet are broken. Take care of yourself, dude. Okay. That's what I'm saying You look like a guy that definitely was in the band and the school band even though he wasn't really in it Yeah You look like you're on like the marching thing with the flag. Yeah Dude, you look like my my third grade gym teacher mrs. Klein Yeah, she was like this lesbian. We used to call a lu Kang you kind of look like lu Kang from street fighter If he was a white dude and had money Thanks, man. Yeah, um, that's awesome. But but I'm in this

What should we ask questions? Yeah, let's answer his question. Okay. You want to start? Yeah, so, uh Uh, yeah, what was I doing? I mean, I was always doing something else on the side. Um, until comedy was just enough of a job, you know I think at a certain point it just kind of chooses you I always I think even till about like 10 years in I was like, am I going to keep doing this? Am I going to keep doing this at some point? I have to grow up. It feels like comedy for me always felt like a place where I could I could just be I never had to grow up. You get to travel all the time. You get to escape whatever was going on in your regular life You had to you always got to get out of town if you were about to be in a relationship

I gotta go I gotta get out of you know, there was always You're always on the go. You never to be in one space You never had to really kind of deal with your with yourself I guess and right so comedy always gave me that the ability to escape I felt like and then at a certain point I was like, oh I'm getting older. I need to figure out um Am I gonna have uh, you know, what am I gonna do here? How am I gonna have a real future and then Yeah, I think at some point he just kind of chose me. It was like, okay

There's enough here where I can survive. You know, so I'm gonna stay what I always liked about you is you were a guy that you had to really Not that it mattered But there was a lot of proving that you had to do to your peers because when you started out It was real world and then you start doing stand-up and already people like nah He's a real world guy. He's not a real stand-up And then your career like you said was like just maintaining maintaining maintaining did the netflix special and it's just maintaining and then you start to prove yourself in the podcast game and then they say Oh, well, he's just starting a podcast, you know, he's still the real world guy

But then you start to explode with the podcast and then it got to the point was like now I've shed that real world thing. I don't think any but I know for a fact No one even thinks about that with you anybody like that was something he did 15 years ago And now it's just like great podcaster great stand-up. It's match So I don't sometimes as a peer of yours in the comedy world We I noticed I'm like that was pretty insane. I was able to do all that the random fan may not know that They was like, oh, I've always fucked with Theo But it's like where you had to come from because you could have easily quit is my point was what you're saying 10 years

It's like I'm sure you heard it because if I heard it in New York then you heard it was like Oh, it's the real world dude, but that's you know, we don't want to be known as that like just now Am I starting to shed? Oh you that guy from guy code where it's like that's a part of me That's I'm proud of it, but now it's like they know my name a little bit. They know my podcast They know me for stand-up not for being a talking head and you are not known for being on a reality show Yeah, you know, so it takes a lot of work to do that So I'm I'm always noticing about you and that's I think it's dope. Thanks man, but I will say that you're a faggot No, I'm kidding

Dude if I'm a faggot bro, hey No offense if anybody is a faggot or And and still refers to themself is that that's very I don't say that word. I apologize. I didn't say that I I said it so if you want to edit it out. Yeah, and just put quotes on your mind and just refer to his Yeah, um, I was because I was just I didn't have anything to say the problem is I because I said that nice thing about you I was thinking of a joke and it slipped so I just went to a very uh A premature thing and I just said that and I just I have two gay friends and they're say they say look I am a faggot right

And I'll be like dude, you know, I don't say that I'm like no I am that's what I am So so everybody does different something different some people once but I'll be there. I'll tell you this dude if I'm gay, bro I would be shocked See if I'm gay, I'd be if I'm gay I'd be relieved Yeah, that's the thing with me. It's because I can't ever really take a good look Because my father's still alive. So my I got an old school father 75 year old brooklyn, you know, tony balls is his nickname So I can't even look inside to see if there's a little gay in there because it feels like there's a little gay in there

Like what like I'm plant-based. I'm on a plant-based diet right now And you build like a strong gay you built like a strong and I'm a strong gay and people tell me, you know, I'm a power I'm a I'm a power bottom. Um, I got a big fat ass Um, I love Whitney Houston. I'm my favorite movies little women or pretty woman. Um, you know I fucking jerk off to guys like all those All those things are gay So sometimes I feel like I can say that f word which is derogatory and I don't mean any harm But but I could say because I know deep down I am one. I know that there's one just pouncing around in there

Um, oh, yeah, I could see a little tigger inside of you, man Yeah, because the thing is even though I did get two pumps I got skull fucked by the McKenzie brothers two pumps. I did give it a lick as it was coming off So that's so that changes everything Bro, that's an alarm if things get too Really? And I think we just hit that man my fault guys. Can I tell you quick? It sounds like the McKenzie brothers fault. Yes. What do you gotta say quick? Well, no, just a luke? Um real quick. Um, I started stint just to answer the fans question. Thank you for that question

I was a pediatric physical therapist. I have a doctorate degree in physical therapy. It's crazy, dude It really is crazy, man. When you get skull fucked you your paths change You know, so so I went and I became a physical therapist I was working with children pediatric mentally and physically handicapped children. It's a beautiful job But then simultaneously I got on guide code and guide code really started to pop off on mtv2 And then they created girl code and that really started to pop off. So what happened was see the thing is this is You know, they a lot of a lot of the people who were watching the shows were younger people 18 19 20 21 22 is a

college younger people show on mtv and mtv2 And it's very well known that older women sometimes will give birth to a child with a disability You know, there's a lot of testing at women as they get older have to do it's less and less now But it's still a thing that's what people say on my biological clock But what's also not as known but is very true is younger women 17 16 pre they don't have the proper prenatal care and they don't know that they're pregnant So their children are born with high disability rates as well. Definitely in high sugar too. They always at sonic Always at sonic. Yeah. Oh, um, so so they so they uh a lot of the moms and dads of the children

I was treating were young people that were watching guide code and girl code and the principal of the school I was working. I was like, look, we found out you're doing comedy and doing these tv shows and they're like, it's not you can't be treating Handicapped children and also doing a show about the guide code to hiding your boner. So you're gonna have to choose And so it was really this little kid my little man Aaron great kid. He was in a wheelchair at cerebral palsy So cognitively he was fine. No problems with speech or his mind worked like our minds But his legs didn't work from cerebral palsy. So he was sitting in his wheelchair one day We were throwing the ball at him, you know, he would throw it at me I would you know rifle it off his legs. He couldn't feel it. Anyway, so I would just rifle it off

You know light him with you know burn him with cigarettes. Whatever it is. You know, I mean You know, he couldn't feel shit. I would tell him to close his eyes. I would just yeah Light his pants on fire and joke around Have a pet bat bite him. Yeah. Yeah, I'm kidding. I'm obviously I'm kidding What he's your agent now. Yeah, he's my agent. No, so Aaron so um, so Aaron Told me I was when I was flirting with this idea of leaving Physical therapy. He's six years old But the thing is when you're a six-year-old kid that's got a disability you're you're so wise beyond your years

So the reason because the you know, man asked me what why what made me change I was always flirting with the idea of leaving for a year. I was like, I imagine Lee I need to jump two feet in if I really want to do stand-up And then it got to the point where Aaron told me we were talking throwing the ball back and forth And uh, and I was like, I kind of want to leave stand-up I kind of want to leave physical therapy to do stand-up, but I'll miss you guys so much So I don't know if I could do it and he was like, well, it isn't stand-up Isn't being a comedian your dream and I said, yeah, it is and he goes

So why wouldn't you go why wouldn't you go do it if that's what you always want to do and I was like I was like, I don't know. I'm gonna miss you guys and he was like he and he said to me He was like, I'm not going anywhere. I can't walk. I'm always going to be sitting in this chair waiting for you He's like, but I want to Aaron said this to me He goes, I want to I think it's pretty cool if I could see one of my therapy my teachers He called you close teacher one of my teachers on tv. He said I would think that was pretty cool He said and if I had that opportunity I would go and I would hope you would want to watch me and be proud of me And he said we're all proud of you. I think you should go do it and go live your dream

And I was like, damn And then because I would say because he because he said because I and then I said to him I said to him. I was like, how are you so smart? How are you so smart like this and how are you so brave? And then he said like I'll never forget. He was like, well He was like you see mr. Chris. It was like a fucking movie. He's like you see mr. Chris He said when you can't walk or use your legs and you're in a wheelchair He said you have all day to sit and think He said so I'm thinking about you and I think you should go do it and then I swear to god

I fucking relieve myself hysterical crying like three hours later. I told the principal. I was like, I'm I'm gonna leave Is this patch atoms? I think no It was fucking legit, man. It's uh, that's wild. I mean, it's uh, fuck And then I put Chinese finger traps and shit on his toes. I took those off because he couldn't feel it Did he really say that man? I swear he really said that remarkable Yeah to think about how much time you have to think just how still probably your world gets when you can't even move Because it was that that push me out and also I this is true too I had sex with four of the teachers at different times and the heat was starting to get turned up

Because they all found out about it So they were starting to get a little heated in that physical therapy room Petri did for that drip drop so between Aaron telling me to go live my dream and and these girls You know about to press charges. It was it was time to leave Praise god, man, you can check him out on history hyenas, man Check me out on history hyenas.com And you can see him and Don this weekend. Where are you guys going to be at? No, well, I don't Donnie, where are you going to be?

I'm going to be in Jacksonville this weekend They can see him at the Jacksonville comedy zone. When does this episode come out Theo? Thursday, there's this Thursday. Okay, so go to my website christy comedy.com I got a bunch of dates up there march 19th Gramercy theater live history hyenas first show sold out second show available and then April 29th Wall Street theater normal, Connecticut. I also in April I have Vancouver, Boston, Raleigh, North Carolina. I got Philadelphia I just put Seattle and Portland up in October a Latin theater and Neptune theater. So come check me out

I got a bunch of dates christy comedy.com and check out the podcast history hyenas. Yannis Papas Amen, man, and thank you so much for coming dude. And sorry if I'm a little bit tired It's just been just feel tired. I hope it was a good episode, man I think it was a lot of fun. I wish I could be more fun like just more engaging Sometimes I'm just a little bit exhausted. I like your energy I like I like your energy this way because I like it because it's really you It's really just like you and then I like in the beginning like when you get like a little caddy bitch energy I kind of like that about you. Oh, thanks when I was like talking to you like hey save for the podcast

I kind of like that and then and then I like that you go in waves and zones with this thing Yeah, I have to pee too. That's why I've fucking been in that zone for a minute But I love the story about the kid in the wheelchair. I loved The fact that he inspired you man. That's shit. It's pretty powerful You got you got real good fucking positive energy and I wish that we hung out more But I text you you don't text back anymore. I will that's the problem Well, I will so much like seven going through I want to start FaceTiming you more too. When you pee is it clear or is it darker? Okay?

I'll tell you that I bet it's a lot clearer than some of the patches you've had Yeah, dude, that is for sure. Yeah, man, but I've but I've been but I'm just waiting for these last STD results and then I'm gonna be celibate man. I'm gonna try to take two months off. No pussy I'm not saying I won't fuck guys, but definitely no girls Yeah, but if you're only banging guys because you're taking a break from women, that's not gay, bro You have to actually be a gay man, man. I know I feel like guys can't go back You can't be a bisexual guy could be bisexual girl But guys I feel like once you hook up with a guy you're gay. Yeah, which is fine Duncan Donets. Remember that Duncan Donets?

No, what's that from? Jim Norton over there on the OPI show. I love Jim Norton Duncan Donets, Duncan Donets Dude, it got weird those words in because OPI and Jim were always arguing. They were arguing a lot There was a lot of tension in there And to be honest man People would hit me up because at the end I was on at the end literally every time Jim was out OPI would call me in to be the fill-in because I was you know, hungry. I live right there hungry for this for the opportunity Um, and uh, and so a lot of fans would ask me questions

Hey, what's going on with OPI and Jim and and the truth is I didn't know because they only saw them argue once And that was live on the air when everybody else saw it when it was before after I had no idea I would see Jim at the comedy cellar wouldn't talk about it When I would speak to OPI privately, he wouldn't talk about it. So anything that the fans I don't know. Yeah, you know Yeah, same people would ask me about it. I just felt like I think it's hard to work with anybody for a long time To start that early in the morning, you know, OPI'd been there for a while. I think it's just tough to make that It's tough to make things fit, you know, a lot of things but anyway, I shouldn't have brought that I didn't mean to kind of bring it up. I just dinner tonight

Uh, you can't do it. I probably can actually you want to do it. Me you and donnie. Yeah, scotty bangs I just have to go I have to go to yoga right now. No, but I mean after yoga. Yeah, we're gonna do it, man I want to buy you. What do you want to eat? I don't know something Italian. You want to do something Italian? Yeah, scotty bangs. Are you you need it? You getting a trim? Oh, yeah, I actually I got podcast tonight. Oh, sorry. He has a podcast too I'd be honored to another bachelor podcast. No, I know his name's nick, but aren't we calling him scotty bangs? Or do we call him nicky bangs on my fault? Yep, scotty karate nicky bangs Dude you want to piss in my hood

All right, bro, I'm gonna fucking kiss you on the lips right now. What get it on camera Can I do it? No, come on, man. Stop being anti-gay. Let's go. Let's go. Get him. Dude if I'm gay I will tell you bro. I'm not just being gay for no reason, man It's too much. It's too much guys. Be good. No, get that away. Yes, that's what I'm saying But when I reach that ground, I'll share this piece of mind. I found I can feel it in my bones But it's gonna take a little time For me to set that parking brake and let myself on one Shine that light on me

I'll sit and tell you my story Shine on me And I will find a song I will sing it just for you And now I've been moving way too fast I'm gonna run away trained with a heavy load of my hands