This Past Weekend - E333 Heather McMahan

Episode Date: April 2, 2021

Theo sits down with Heather McMahan to talk about what it's like going to college in the Deep South, hooking Riley Mau up with a new lady and the deeper meaning behind their zodiac signs. Heather also discusses the difficulties she faced after the loss of her father in 2015 to pancreatic cancer and what kept shooting for her comedy dreams. Heather McMahan: Website: https://www.heatherontour.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/heatherkmcmahan Absolutely Not Podcast: https://dearmedia.com/shows/absolutely-not/ New Merch: theovonstore.com Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to [e-mail]. Music: “Shine” - Bishop Gunn http://bit.ly/Shine_BishopGunn Hit the Hotline [phone] Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: http://bit.ly/TPW_VideoHotline Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCiEKV_MOhwZ7OEcgFyLKilw Producer: Nick Davis https://instagram.com/realnickdavis Producer: Sean Dugan https://www.instagram.com/SeanDugan/See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Today's guest is uh is a real dominant and uh and hilarious And just dang near adorable female. That's right Female baby, you know what I'm talking about boobies you've you love baby all of it and uh, she is from Atlanta and um, and uh, I'm just so happy to finally be able to sit down with her ladies and gentlemen The one and only heather mcman She likes a hard seat. It's fine

She's got a crippling sciatica. So it's fine. Oh, yeah, a lot of my friend has an australian shepherd and it has dysplasia. Oh fuck Yeah Yeah, most of them do I think Yeah, I got a frenchie and they have every fucking problem in the book. Do they? Yeah, I like needed that expensive fucked up doc Yeah, that's where we're at, you know, a lot of I think frenchies. Let me think frenchies australian shepherds I don't want to say a lot of foreign dogs, but but it is what it is. They can't handle a lot of you know They can't handle that american pressure That's really I think the facts is once you get, you know, even you get those shitsus and they got them all piled up on instagram

I don't fuck with the shitsu. Yeah, do not fuck with the shitsu and let me tell you this I tried to do the right thing. I went to like eight different french bulldog rescues I was like, I want one spine of bifida wanted a wheelchair one leg no leg no nose One of those brothers treasure. Yeah, exactly and I got denied all the fucking time because I was living in new york And they're like, oh your apartment's not big enough I actually had a very nice apartment for new york and so we kept getting denied and so My husband was like fuck this. He's like after we got denied like the seventh time He's like, we would be perfect parents. We were like, let's get the most expensive pure bread

We were just like, let's get find the breeder who's got like just wears gold all the time and that's the way we went Napoleon I want one fresh out of napoleon's nutsack. That's how exactly I want this thing to be man. Yeah Yeah, I think it's tough. I've been thinking about trying to get a dog and so I've been thinking about like What kind of get like I think about yeah, how pure can they get how pure can the breed and get yeah, you know what I'm saying I want that shit. I want that thing afraid to show up to war. That's how french. I want it Yeah, yeah, I'm like I want it pure but you also wanted a little slutty though, too. Oh really? Yeah. Yeah, you do. Oh, yeah Yeah, I guess I could see maybe uh I don't know if they had a lot of slutty dogs bus growing up

I'm trying to think of the dogs that I would see when I was young Well, we used to bet like if a dog was giving birth people would go out and bet on it and bet how many babies it was gonna have This is so Louisiana. So the dog was welping they call it welping. I think um Then they would people be out there throwing a little bit of money down Oh, hell, yeah, you know and trying to win a little or just trying to you know Just I guess maybe just also just feel what it's like to be victorious. Maybe not even it might not even have been about the money I mean, you know, I feel like degenerate gambling is a thing like my husband gambles a little bit. Does he really and I don't get it Yeah, it's fine, but I don't get it like I I won't even put $10 on like a crap stable

Like I just I'm like, no, fuck that. I know how hard and how long it took to make those 10 And I'm like making a little money now, but I'm still just like there's no fucking way I'm gambling now. Do you give your husband a little bit of an of an allowance or does he have his own? Uh, does he have his own? No, he has his own, but it's his job. Yeah. Yeah, he has a job. Yes. I do not know. Oh, yeah That's fine. No, he has a job. Well, actually technically right now. He's uh, he's I call him the house manager So he gave up his career in New York. We were living there. We moved back to Atlanta And I'm like listen until you build your real estate shit here Like I need you to be the house manager because we're redoing some shit. Oh, y'all are yeah, we are yeah

We're in like, yeah Okay, so I'm sitting here with Heather McMahon. Thanks for coming in I know we've been trying to get to see each other for a long time. I know and uh Yeah, I had so many people that were like, can I come over if Heather's gonna be there? I had more women. I'll tell you this. I had more women offered to come over In the past five days since people knew you were gonna be here Then if ever wanted to come and spend time with me, those are my hoes. I love them. Shout out to all the girls out there Yeah, I didn't get a good look at them, but I some of them seem like hoes over text

And you know, it's you know, that's a good thing. Yeah If like if you present yourself a little slutty and you just you know, you're honest and transparent about it Like you do you? Yeah, you know the balls in your court. I'm here for it. Yeah, I like that I um, so you started out doing comedy in Atlanta Um, or you didn't start out doing comedy. So you're like, uh, you're kind of one of these hybrid people kind of and I'm not judging I'm just trying to say stuff and think at the same time. Right. No, no I hear you. Um, so you're like one of these hybrid kind of artists like tell take me into it a little bit What is it?

Well, so the first time I ever did stand up. It was actually at my high school prom So I went to this like really conservative christian school and they always had like a so we couldn't even call it prom We had to call it like the junior senior senior banquet just because it's like fucked up And so they wanted like a surprise guest and so I said they they approached me I don't know why because it was like highly inappropriate the said I did And so the first time I did stand up was at this prom and I was Roasting the senior class and I was like if I can get up in front of these fucking peers that are like the most judgmental people on the Planet. Yeah, and I just came alive. I was like, this is what I want to do forever

And I was always a theater nerd and was doing all that So I went to Ole Miss got a theater degree then went to new york and was doing kind of improv sketch Like I really was on the snl trajectory. I was like that's what I want to do. I love a wig. I love a costume You know, that's just where I thrive. That's where I'm become come alive Yeah, um, and I was out in LA doing ucb was kind of doing that underground scene and and then you were really hustling it Oh, I was Hustling raw dog in it. Whatever you had to do. I was doing it. Were you using sex to try to get forward? You know what? I I offered and no one no one picked up on it. They were like, we're good. We're good. Yeah. Yeah

Like if I could strip I would but I have eczema So I feel like I would take off my clothes and they'd be like, we're good. Here's $10 like put your pants back on It's real rashy. You know, it's lotion night. Yeah They should have lotion night at the strip club for people with eczema. When does that start? When do we start? Mm-hmm getting strip nights For when does the like cancel culture like when does that like the diversity force diversity culture hit the strip clubs

When do we see like the girl doesn't even climb up the pole? It's like one of those like things at the Hampton Inn like swim pool that just lifts you out of the water the handicap for the strip club Yeah, it just takes her up the pole slowly and then just bring her slowly back down. Maybe that's a charity. We start That's our philanthropy. I like that. Yeah. Yeah limp completely just limp strippers. So I have a Family member semi family member who is been an exotic dancer. Oh, yeah and in our town they had a

strip club called kneels. That's what it was, right? And uh, and I don't know if it was supposed to be a strip club But enough people were naked and they were eventually, you know what I'm saying you could see some titty. I hear you Yeah, so but the ceiling was low in there So the women would get on stage and they'd have to duck and strip So it was very like kind of my occupational hazard. I mean, I would say yeah before they had that. Yeah, yeah This is just like yeah, it was really like, uh, it had a lot of you know, it was like the scoliosis It was like in the scoliosis belt, right?

So there was a lot of yeah, but the women would have to get up there And so they'd have to strip so it always had this very like it looked like the women were sneaking around You know what I'm saying because they had to duck Over a little bit with like a titty hanging out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah those are my girls So they had to get into that. Um, I mean, I'm from Atlanta where like stripping is an art form And I mean you go to places like magic city and there's like 15 girls on a pole like a ginga Set. I mean, it's insane and then you go to places like the Claremont lounge was a very famous Yeah, we're like, you know, the women are in their 70s crushing beer cans with their titties

I mean, it's just like that's the the spectrum Uh, and so and then there's my favorite trick club those swinging Richards Which is mostly men and you just walk in and literally just dudes doing the helicopter just swinging their dick around You're like, hell, yeah. Yeah. Oh, I seen that in germany at the park one time. Oh, yeah It seems very german. Yeah. Yeah, I think so the chopper the fucking masculinity I remember if somebody took me to a gay club one time in baton rouge and I'd never been I didn't know they had it Right, right. So we walk in and there's like men with no shirts on and just jeans and I thought that the air conditioner was broken

I didn't know what it was. I was like, damn, we're at a bar and this fucking air conditioner You know, they should do something because this seems crazy They got a decent clientele for fucking having no ac, you know And then I realized it was gay men, dude and they started gay men get extremely aggressive I feel like if they seem like a straight man is in the building because I have this feeling that a straight man like Guys want to try to get a hot girl But for gay men the hot girl is a straight man. I hear you Well, a lot of the dancers at swinging Richards this club in Atlanta are straight dudes

And they have a big gay clientele, but a lot of them are straight dudes because you know I mean, my sister's a criminal defense attorney. So she's had a couple of clients and she's like, no, no, no That's mark. That's mark. He's had seven d y's But like he's a good guy and he's also like hits on me all the time. So yeah Interesting. Yeah. So so so so then you were in New York And then you guys decided to move to Atlanta. Now, did you kind of take a were you like Saying I'm gonna take a sabbatical from kind of the uh Because if you were if you were doing like second city and stuff like that

Were you like I'm gonna like step away from that where you started to do your own thing Well, I went to New York and then I went out to LA for four or five years and I was out there I was like, I'm doing the commercials and all that shit and I never I didn't take the traditional route Like I was more a ucb and and really like honing that craft if you will as obnoxious as that sounds So I wasn't in the store. I wasn't doing, you know The traditional stand-up route and then I kind of had this like, oh, fuck. Uh-huh life moment where my dad passed recently of cancer So I had to pick up my life and move back home to Atlanta. This is in 2016 so I picked back up. I'm like, I'm just gonna go for like six months

I'm gonna help my mom figure out what's next all this shit And It was crazy I kind of started living my life through instagram and just really blowing up instagram and using it honestly cathartically just like get shit off my chest and dry out new material and it just blew up And so then I was able to like work in Atlanta a little bit and then I was like, this is insane I you know, I don't know. It was a weird blessing. It was the darkest time of my life but it was so cool to like be able to get an audience from that and

I just started like putting funny shit up that brought me joy. I didn't give a shit about being in LA I didn't give a shit about being in New York. I wasn't trying to impress anybody and that's when the best shit came out Yeah, and then we went back to New York and I was touring in 2019 and it's just been a wild ride since Yeah, but now I'm back in Atlanta. Yeah And so now so now you have um So now you find most but now you're going on tour, right? Yeah, so now you have a show that's going to be on stage Yeah, so what's the stage so like like I mean, it's a it's a grab bag. Um, you know, it's it's a long stand-up set But I also bring out wigs and and have videos. It's kind of a mixture of like what I do on instagram and my

Kind of I don't know brand of of comedy is very much so storytelling and it's it's you know about my life And but I here's the thing I really like people to leave and they're like, I don't know what the fuck just happened Not like performance already like weird But I like people to like maybe cry at one moment and they're like, I don't know what the fuck these feelings are But something's coming up and then I just hit you, you know what I mean? And then they're like this was fucking weird and I was here for it and it was rowdy. Oh, I like it Yeah, yeah, I like it. Yeah, I think it's something one of my goals always Will stand up was like I don't care if people remember like a joke that I told but I want people to remember me somehow

Like yeah, because that's what I feel like you go back to see like you go back you get invested in a human or in a feeling I don't know if I get invested enough in like a joke alone because Anybody could write a joke kind of I feel like I want to get invested in somebody, you know, that's what makes me as a A consumer want to be involved with somebody Yeah, I mean I remember the shows where you leave and you're like, I don't really know what just happened Or like yeah, you just leave with that feeling or that warmth or maybe like shame I don't know what it is. Oh, yeah, but I want you to get in your car and and just be like something happened

You know and like think about it for a while I don't know. I'm a Pisces. So I like to just get in there. You know what I'm saying? Oh, I'm a Pisces Yeah, when's your birthday march 1 9? Okay. I'm 1 5. Oh, yeah, this makes sense. So what does it mean? What does it mean take me into this because I don't know anything about it like and if people did know about it I always thought they were like sorcery or something or people would call them You know people would curse when I was young, you know, you know, if people showed up with the Libras or something, you know Oh, well, I don't fuck with the tourists like I don't like hold a lot of weight into it But most tourists has been pretty evil in my life. So I rebuke in the name of Jesus. I walk by a tourist

I'm like, no not today. Yeah, I could oh I feel the negative energy Um, but Pisces, okay, what are tourists is sorry. Just so don't forget it Um end of april through beginning of may Oh, yeah, so it's coming up. So tour season is coming up. Yeah. Yeah, just keep your butt hole clenched like shit's gonna get wild Oh, dang. Oh, wow. So it's tourist season. It's about what do they do? Uh, they're just like usually cheaters god. I'm gonna get so much hate for this. They cheat No, I want to know more about it. I did like three tourist guys and they were all cheaters. Do you see them? Yeah, you see them at strip malls t-mobiles

Um, a lot of chilies, you know what I mean? They're always hanging out at a chili's bar Dude, I remember making love to this girl that worked at a chilies and uh, she had oh my god She had all these pictures of I remember going over to her place She lived at her parents house and were out of town apparently or She killed them. I don't know where they were. Okay, and it seemed like it had been out of town for a long time They might still be out of town. It'd been about 17 years But she worked at a chilies and she had all these pictures of like all the local firemen in our house I remember um see him sus

Yeah, I never even thought about that till just now. I wonder what happened to that Maybe the firemen like helped bury the family. They were in on it. There was yeah It just got a little like some chicks have that diy date liney kind of shit. They want, you know, yeah Yeah, a little like oxygen channel snap moment that energy. That's a tourist woman right there. Yeah, she might have been a tourist Okay, anyway, so but Pisces were creative. Um, and we're creative were sensitive And it doesn't necessarily mean that like you're a sensitive person where you're just empathetic Right, you're able to connect with people on their emotions. Okay, but we're also terrible with money Like that's the number one thing we we're able to make a lot of money because we are big thinkers

But like if I get a hundred dollars, I'm spending 99. You know what I'm saying? Yeah So, yeah, I got to have like a financial advisor an accountant an attorney just to be like sign off on shit You know what I mean? I need like a bow. I need Uh, a limit on my credit card. You do. I do. I do. Oh, wow. Yeah, and I don't know what it's like I don't gamble, but if I'm making money, I want everybody to have it Like I'm like, do you need a job? You know, and my friend's like, no Heather I I'm you know a financial investor like I don't need a job. I'm like, I just want to give you money because I feel like I don't know why yeah, I feel that sometimes I feel sometimes like I don't yeah like money's

I don't know money's so weird. Yeah, it makes me uncomfortable. It makes me like I have it But I need it. Right, you know. Yeah. Yeah, I need it But yeah, it makes me uncomfortable I don't like being somebody that has money because I think I always judge people that had money Like I was always like, oh these fucking rich people and shit like that And so I think sometimes I'm like, oh man, I don't want to have any money, you know Like but then you also have to have money if you can't tell the rent guy. Hey, you know I'm just trying. I've been nice to people this month. He doesn't care, you know

That's not his and I've had no money and it sucked so bad Like I've worked every hospitality job you can imagine. Oh, really? Oh, yeah, I work. Do you do doordash? I never did doordash, but like I was in worked at every restaurant. I worked every job in a restaurant And when you're working in restaurants for like 10 years, I mean it just takes a part of your soul away that I don't know If you can ever get back But I do believe, you know, like in Israel you have to Um serve in the army. You have to serve. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah two years, right? I think yeah I think in America everybody should have to either be like a valet

You know any sort of like we're gonna a hotel we're gonna rest on yeah something Yeah, work at a Perkins jiffy lube be a hostess at a Perkins for at least a year Yeah, and then you can go out into the real world and like be an adult. Yeah Yeah, I think that's true. It would be nice if they had some kind of like a Like a little tributary of occupational tributary that brought you out into the mainstream. Yeah um You know, I'm trying to think of a job that I had that I really That really really stuck to me

Um Well, I used to sell Mexican food for a living And in a restaurant or just like no in a restaurant. Yeah But it was crazy man They had uh the two chefs back there with these two black women named april and may And they did not like cooking Mexican food. So sometimes we would have to literally go tell the tables that uh we The chef okay didn't feel like making a case of DNA Okay

So we would be literally offering like french toast and shit at five p.m. All right You got vague over there And I was so scared of them that I was like afraid of the confrontation and sometimes I would just lock myself away From some of that because I didn't want to be a part of it. Um Do you think we had a question that came in right here for you? Let's bring up this question right here from this young lady right here Hey, y'all my name is jessica from Atlanta and my question for heather is

If you could start in the broadway with the rat king himself What production would you guys start in and what would your roles be? Oh Why I've always been told I have a lot of friends on broadway because I come from the theater world I've always been told the only role I could play on broadway is pumba from the lion king I don't know why but they're like that's the only role because I bring up a pumba before you get your yeah Yeah, because why go ahead. I'm sorry in a row. No, I don't know why I don't know if it's like them Just being assholes and being like this is the best you can be or it's because I have like a deep voice

Uh, but yeah, I think god. What could we be in the line? Is that the lion king? Uh-huh Yeah, my friend dod lumas actually works. So he does the lion king if you ever want it to be that I think you are Better looking right. Yeah, but they're always like no you'd be pumba like you just have the energy of pumba I'm like what the fuck is that about the eyes and maybe some of the cheek structure And I mean that in a very beat. Yeah, I would definitely spend time with this animal We could do sound of music. You know sound of music. Oh, yeah But the sound like it's kind of has a little willy nelson in the beginning 100. Yeah. Yeah, little banjo

We spice it up the music the sound is people opening cans of tuna at home 100% just the ring doorbell over and over again Yeah, the sound is people reaching for that latch under a car hood. Yeah, like the 90s where people or it didn't just pop up automatically And you have to then it comes up an inch for you. Then you have to put your young fucking hands into a dirt Fucking hot fucking car. Yes and reach for a fucking latch. Yeah The sound is just like women trying to like uh get around in there like purse just looking for keys and shit It's like fucking shit. God damn it. Did I leave my keys? It's just that recording over and over again. Are you being the sound? Just over and over again like god damn it daryl. Fuck you. I I knew you forgot the keys

That's it and there's three checkbooks in there, but there's no checks. It's just that like carbon stuff in the other side Yeah, do you still have a checkbook? Uh, I still have a couple checkbooks. This sound is um, one of us running back to the Microwave because the popcorn's already like past the one or two second mark between the pots and so we know it's just burning So the sound is just just running back to the microwave That's the sound of the music. Yeah Listen, I think we could listen when Broadway comes back. I think this is our moment You know, I'm trying to get an egot I wanted Tony and I've realized like maybe I just need to write my own musical and I can't really sing anymore

Got this deep voice. And so I'm like, maybe we do we should actually probably do like a like a straight man play though You know something dramatic something where we're both nude, but there's nothing sexual about it It's just for some reason because I feel like that's the only way you win a Tony. Oh, I got a little erectile dysfunction So it didn't have to be something sexual about it. If there was it would take a couple episodes So I'm just gonna let you know. Yeah, there you go. And I got eczema. So, you know what? But we're winning Tony's for it. Uh, it's called back to back. It's our sex life God I'm freezing my eggs for both of us facing the other way just ass to ass Yeah, well, let's go back to that. Yeah, let's go back to what I was saying

I mean, we can assume that our butts are touching but I think yeah just for like Yeah, the ass to ass thing is just gonna be that's gonna make me nervous. Okay. I feel you. I respect that Didn't mean to push that on you. I apologize. I apologize. Really apologize. Wow. I thought you were Pisces. I thought we were Vibing but okay, so note to self. Oh, what else would we be the sound of music that would be that such is it was such a great question So what else? Yeah, what other kind of show could we be if it was a We could do like hello dolly. Now, I don't know what you know about musicals But we could I mean hello dolly is like this very iconic old show. It's southern. Is it southern? No, it's not southern never mind

But it's I mean we I could see you in like a hoop skirt having a moment You know with like a hat on and like a like a pipe or something. Okay. Yeah, you're a little old timey Okay, okay. Okay. I'm gonna go with this. I I think we could do like a I don't know hello dolly, but I've been a dolly would want. Oh, fuck. Yeah Um, so what about hello dolly would? I could play dolly part. Yes. We just wrote this. So this is our pitch and Broadway We would like some funds. What is your dolly part and you just parked your hair like so severely. Yeah, and it's um Now that's not a good one

Yeah, but you know that that thing now is that these young kids on tiktok are telling women I'm 34. They're saying that we can't do a side part anymore. They're like no, it's only a middle part We can't wear skinny jeans anymore It's like this whole fucking thing that these young girls are trying to tell us how to dictate our life and our aesthetic I don't fucking pissed about this. Have you heard about it? I haven't heard about that and I'm also glad I haven't heard about that Because it seems like it's it's a bullshit. Yeah. Yeah, and it's okay. I'm glad that women are doing stuff But I don't want to know about it. You know I love that women are telling other women what they're doing wrong because that's feminism

Yeah, that's what we need. We need more. I think it should let's I want to see it spill out into the streets I would love to see here's what I here's where it is. Okay is a couple of 19 or 70 year old women getting abused by some 30 year old women just a street path fight Listen, I went back to my story at Ole Miss like before rush and they wanted me to give like a motivational speech And I literally no way really I scared them so were you the head of your story I could see you being like the um the lady at night that comes down is like only one peanut butter, you know No, who's that lady the house mom? No, she's like a 65 year old lady who's living rent-free. Yeah. Yeah She's like no boys upstairs, but also only one peanut butter. Okay. Yeah. Yeah

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah that lady would always like one peanut butter You'd be like doing oral sex on some woman and she's like one peanut butter Because that's every man's fantasy is that women in a sorority house are just doing oral sex on each other That's it. That's it. Like you guys just eat each other out all day, right? It's like no No, I remember doing oral sex on some woman In an Ithaca collar somewhere. I don't remember that checks out for Ithaca and some lady peaked in it was like only one I mean, yeah, no, I ran my sorority I tried to be president but because I wasn't from Mississippi. They were like it's not gonna look well across campus

Like it was a big deal. I mean I went to Ole Miss Like the Ole Miss was weird. Ole Miss was weird and it was amazing and it's god when if I die like spread my ashes in oxford Um, but it was kind of a culture shock for me. Like I didn't even know what the capital of Mississippi was I got there and people were like, oh, we're from Jackson and they're like very, you know, old southern money like we're from Jackson I'm likeville, Florida. Like I don't know what the fuck Mississippi is, but it's the greatest place on earth truly Um, but yeah, no, I was I was a bid day president. I was pledge-cross president and then bid day So like I was totally see that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and I could say oh, well my best friend Scott went there and he was in Sigma something. Sigma Nu? Sigma Alpha

SAE. SAE. So they they've been kicked off campus. I think it was. Yeah. Yeah, probably because of Scott I wouldn't be shocked man. It was either Scott or it was probably I don't remember. They had like South Seas or something was there Oh, oh, was that Kappa sick? Kappa sick. That's what he was. So I dated a lot of Kappa six. Did you really? Held Scott Did I have sex with Scott? I don't know. I mean he'll I'll I'll I'll ask him later. Okay, but um He uh He I remember going up there and yeah, everybody you'd have like the drunkest somebody that couldn't even read me like, you know Faulkner, uh Oh, it's always about Faulkner. You have no fucking idea who Faulkner is. Faulkner used to my mouthwash here and it'd be like, what?

Who gives a fuck? Like all of a sudden everybody's into like early American poetry. I'm like, I didn't know who the fuck Faulkner was You know, they uh, they uh excavated a cannon from under this restaurant. You know, it's like A lot of fucking facts all the time and you're like, all right, Mrs. Zippy. Pump the brakes a lot of plaques. Yeah, uh-huh Lots way too many plaques Ton of plaques ton of cocaine. Yeah, a lot of just plaid like gingham Shepherd smith. I heard shepherd smith used to go do cocaine there. Do you ever hear that story? Yeah, I'm pretty sure I fuck. I don't want to say that. But yeah, I'm pretty sure like Yeah, I mean whatever. Fuck it. We all did cocaine at Ole Miss. So yeah, if shepherd smith came out of the closet

He could it's easy to come out of the it's way easier to come out of the cocaine closet I think then the actual closet. I mean, it was just such another planet. I got there and it's just like, you know You have all these like rich kids from the south. Oh, yeah But it was weird because I was in the art department I felt like like I went and visited Alabama and I swear to God I went to visit and I was like, okay I only have two choices because I didn't you know, my sat's like a blind cat could have done a better job on sat's to me Even though I was student body president of my high school. I still there. I thought I was going to go to Pepperdine Like long story short. I was like, oh, I'm gonna go to school in California

Oh, wow artists all this shit. They're like, you were 100% denied. So it was two weeks before graduation They were like who like who did this testing and the funny thing is when the Lori Loughlin thing came out where like, you know, she was paying somebody to like get her kids into college My sister called me. She's like dad. My sister went to Troy Tech. She's very intelligent and um Troy Tech No, Georgia Tech. Sorry. Yeah, Troy Tech, which is in Alabama Troy. I think is uh Uh, I'd never heard of Troy Tech. I was even like dad is a reach Troy state. Okay. Troy state. Yeah, there's Troy state in Alabama Shout out Troy. Yeah. Shout out Troy. Um, they got to go Wendy's and Troy. Do they that's it though. Yeah I could see that

But long story short by such as like, you know, dad was so stressed down about the fact that you did such a bad job On your sat's that he like called me and thought that you know, I was going to go take your test for you Like he just was like so worried that I wasn't going to get into college So it was either Alabama or Ole Miss and I visited Alabama one weekend and this I swear to god This is like so on the nose, but this guy named Bubba was in overalls at this like Theta Kai house And he was just coked out of his mind and it was like a chicken tender eating contest Which I love tindies now, but at the time I was just like and he was hitting on me And I was like, I got to get out out of Alabama. Like I'm not going to school here

So I just like that's it. I guess I'm going to Ole Miss and I showed up at orientation was like, fuck. Yeah, hottie toddy Let's go and it was the best four years of my life And then I did cocaine with Shepard Smith. So yeah Good, good, good. I was wondering how it ended. Um, yeah, josh kelly used to go there. I went there when josh kelly Uh, because he went to Ole Miss. I remember, um Yeah, I liked I liked going to Ole Miss. It was just different. I didn't grow up like with any tradition or anything like that So you went there and everything was very it was everything was very traditional Well, it was a big deal. I you know, I just thought you wore like a t-shirt to a football game

They're like, no, no, no, no, no. You're showing up in pearls high heels. It's august It's 115 fucking degrees out the humidity is at 300 and you're just melting and you're sweating out the Yeager from the night before But you're having to stand there with like a shrimp cocktail platter and like try and look regal I'm like, I'm a debutant, but literally I'm just oozing Jen and Yeager. So, um, I learned a lot. I learned how to like, you know, grab myself up by the bootstraps and get my shit together Yeah, oh, I could see that. I feel like it is really It is like a Sephora boot camp. Yes for women I totally see old miss being like that now because I would remember yeah

We'd go to some of these parties and everybody's beautiful girls All the boys have names like griffin door the sixth and shit, you know, two last names like Sutton mill Miller foster Yeah, yeah, it was all way like insane. Like, yeah, you know, his daddy invented the swing set, you know, like there was always shit that was way crazy You know, they're like, oh his great grandfather invented the noose. You like I wouldn't lead with that at an intro at a party. Let's just call. Let's just yeah, let's say yarn You know what I'm saying? Like it was yarn and you guys did something you shouldn't have with it Right, you know, but then you had to buy cocaine from him. So you're like, fuck now

I gotta get into this conversation with griffin door. God damn it, you know God, it would just be it made me feel I felt so foreign when I would go to those places because I think yeah, I just never was into that kind of culture and like that Some of that bro culture always kind of spooked me a little bit I hear you because you get guys that would be like, you know, I'll do anything for this, you know You know, you get guys drinking each other's blood and stuff and like, you know, this this market Oh, this uh, bloody Mary has real blood, you know, this has two points of my oh my oh pledge in it Yeah, that would happen at the essay house

They actually had like some party called patty murphy where they just had to get this guy as drunk as possible And I remember being there and like being 19 and just going I like I'm like this isn't right I was just like this seems unsafe and then next year that that party got shut down. But it was interesting the frat world I mean, yeah, you've got you know, your stereotypes, but my sorority was literally like the best. I met the best bitches I met these women who are still so part of my life and they were just like, you know We I don't know. We just did like dressed up and then we get drunk and then do philanthropic work Like honestly and truly it was like every other week. We had a new charity thing. So I was like, at least we did some good, you know Yeah, yeah, yeah, and I'm not it was culture shock though for sure. Yeah, I'm not trying to knock it off

I think it was also I think I was just like afraid. I think I just didn't know anything about it Right. So like my best friend went into it because his dad had gone to school at University of Mississippi And so then I just like would go and see like little pieces of it and even though I was at LSU for a couple years I just didn't get too much into the Greek stuff, you know And those guys were always such a culture. It was like if you weren't in it, you kind of weren't in it, right? Um, well, when I would meet people out in LA, there's like they would just be shocked that I was in a sorority They're like, yeah, what's that life like, you know, like they literally were like, did they beat you? Like what happened? Yeah, tell us about it. Yeah, tell us about it. I'm like, no, it was actually fantastic

We would you know dress up and like go to parties and it just like live our life. It was fantastic. Yeah Yeah, I know everybody wants but when people are from the south I mean and listen, there's Greek culture at all these different schools But I think specifically the south everybody just thinks that like you're just like yelling racist things all day and like Just just being the worst horrific person you could imagine. Yeah, it gets the worst rap man Yeah, especially out now like yeah, it's like, oh my god. You guys had fun. What was that like? I'm so sorry You had camaraderie and friends. You're like, yeah, fuck you Clark. I did and I loved it and it was fantastic Yeah, oh, you should be an R. You should be an R fraternity out here at UCLA. We have uh, we just got a new fish

Yeah, like get the fuck out of here. It was I remember going to some parties there and it was So lame it was just like sure it was really really bad It would be like a lot of people doing um Just bitcoin before it was a thing. You had to like talk about it. Yeah rumor. It was like bitcoin rumors. Yeah, that was the night That's funny. Yeah Yeah Yeah, so I went to Ole Miss, you know, and then I went straight to new york and I was like i'm gonna do the comedy thing and Now for most of us, you know learning a um a second language in high school was uh

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mentally with better help This podcast is sponsored by better help And this past weekend listeners get 10 off their first month At betterhelp.com slash teo if you need Assistance for your brain and your feelings and your emotions. Give it a try So did you find more success than once you got out of kind of the main the main not the mainstream but like the main paths of what we would expect Routes to find success because to me you were extremely like captivating and

beautiful and and like Original and so those things to me like as just a regular man And also then as an inner entertainer are very obvious. So it makes me wonder how And maybe other executive stuff did see that but it makes me wonder Like how it wouldn't be such an easy choice to be like, oh this person. Yes Right. Well, I basically, you know, I was doing the grind and you're having to like You know stroke the fucking ego of these people, especially in that like ucbs and l world and I was just like I was just kind of fucking over it

And then a lot of the teachers are angry people that didn't get where they wanted to go And then everybody in my classes like even in the early stages in new york They all had these like creative writing degrees from harvard And I would show up in my hoops and animal print and like a full face of makeup. Just like, what's up y'all? Let's fucking tell some cigarettes. Yeah Yeah, I would have like a coarse light in my purse and just like, you know Smoke a menthol and like chill and it was so weird. It was like and I hate to like Say this but like as a woman in that world you had to like not, you know

You just had to like play games and I didn't want to fucking deal with it Now who was making you play to get with was it men doing that? Or was it also because women get weird in that kind of shit? I find yeah, uh, what was it? Sorry, you I just wanted to authentically be myself I think I was trying to fit a different mold and of course I just love doing the characters and and like Wearing a wig and being the ugliest version of myself possible and just like tapping into these like weird Isms that I find in these characters just brings me so much joy like that's truly when I come alive Um, and so I just was like fuck this

I'm gonna pave my own way and really truly when I was in LA. I was having a great time But again, I go on these commercial editions. Listen, I went on an audition. This is just so LA Where the breakdown said morbidly obese but beautiful Morbidly obese and I literally call my agent. I'm like, listen, I'm a thick girl I got a thick neck than ankles, you know I've got the shoulders of an offensive lineman like it is what it is But I was like, this is the breakdown like this is the the this is the mold that I fit in LA and morbidly is death That normally is your death one foot in the grave. Yeah, you're like my 600 pound life stuck in a couch

So you have like you're just eating pork chops. You know what I mean? I was like, I got a soul cycle every now and then, you know Um, I sweat. Yeah when I'm not just like sitting alone. Um, yeah Yeah, so I do basically was just like I gotta get the fuck out of here. Um, yeah that that kind of stuff is such a grind The commercial grind. Oh god, I don't think people understand like you drive across town and there's nowhere to park Yeah, yeah to north hollywood is Santa Monica. Sometimes the auditions would be in mont pale your vermont They aren't anywhere near where you live. Yeah, they're like, can you go up to carmel? It's an eight hour drive on a friday at five and then you go in there and they I literally like I was just done with commercials When I went and they're like, here's the thing. We know you're so funny and you're so perfect for this

They're definitely gonna go on a different route. We're thinking like more asian older man, but we're so glad you came here And I'm like, listen, I'm here for the diversity. I'm so glad we're being progressive But you just wasted my time driving eight hours to carmel california And they don't care and they're like, look, we need you to go shave your head in your car right now And convert to a japanese judieism and come back in here. Exactly. Yeah They're like, can you speak mandarin and do you know how to knit and you're like, no the fuck? I don't but I would fake it till I make it, you know and probably offend everyone in there But I was like, I'm so desperate for this fucking job right now

Yeah, we need you to get your cloud up a little bit. Do you mind going outside and just using a racial slur in the street for a Few minutes. Okay, we need you to at least we need 20,000 more followers. I don't care if they're angry or not Exactly for this non-union commercial that's going to pay you 14 dollars in a subway sandwich and you're like, fuck me But yeah, so after I so I basically had to pick up my life and move back to Atlanta I was like, it's just going to be temporary like I'm just going to go help the family out And then when I started just living my life authentically especially through instagram because I it's almost like a reality show every day I mean, I'm just uploading stream of consciousness Consciousness what comes to my mind and then all these women were just like, thank you for talking about this. Oh my god

I connect with this and then I was able to start touring and it was just insane. I was like, fuck it. I built it on my own like Fuck la, you know, I have to go back to la like next week now But the thing is when you leave la, that's when they want you But if you have a po box or an address in Los Angeles, the phone never rings But as soon as you leave they're like now you're hot and fresh. We want this thing. Yeah, this blood diamond That's what they call us, you know, once you're out of la they call you blood diamonds. Like, oh, how do we get that? Yeah, Sierra Leone blood diamond. How do we get that rare ivory? You know, how do we get the ivory with the cane sauce on the side of it? You know, fuck. I love cane sauce. Yeah

You know, I've never been really like I've never been like really southern. I don't feel like I'm sorry. Come again. Do you think I feel like I seem like a southern person? Yes, Theo. Really? Yes Have you taken a look in the mirror today? You have a fucking mullet You have a tight fade in a mullet and you're from Louisiana. Yes, I guess so. Yeah I don't know. I just I've never really identified as that. Well, see, maybe I don't know Maybe I'm projecting because I don't feel southern. No, it's okay. No, no, I think it's interesting Yes to me you do but then also the more I kind of see what's going on. I feel like you come off Well, here's what happens sometimes in New Orleans people also come off as New Jersey

So you some there's there's some close stitching there. I hear that between like different styles like I don't think you come off as like Southern Georgia, which is where things can get really southern. You know daddy. Yeah got a geese, you know Like it can get fucking a little get a little weird, you know, yeah So I don't know that I know how to put it on right and you don't come off as uneducated. So it's not that That red net that kind of that thing, you know, like I never was into that Uh or felt like that growing up. Um, yeah, so I guess uh, but now do you find in the business that they try and put you in that box? Oh, yes, I know. Yeah, and I will I won't honor any of it. The only southern thing that I've even done is when

Um, me and Chelsea Lynn did the we did a live show around the holidays. I loved it and I adore her and it was fun Oh, she's so much fun. It was hard to do but it was a lot of fun But that was like the most kind of because she's not she does like I don't know her character or you know Tammy's She's more she because Chelsea's from Oklahoma. So she's more just kind of rural, right Is it redneck her care? I don't know. What do you think it is trailer trashed Tammy, right? Right, but trailer, right? But it's not redneck Tammy, right?

Oh, that's where I start to wonder working really. Yeah, we're really like peeling back the layers Yeah, she's just I think trailer trashed Tammy. Here's the thing all of her characters are like very confident people and that's there's always But that's a southern thing southerners are confident. It doesn't matter like even in my lowest moment like anxiety through the roof I'm like, I got this like my daddy told me I got this. I fucking got this and I'm from Atlanta Like use I'm not from like Macon, Georgia Right, but there's something about like that southern inside of yours. Just like I'm gonna fucking do this like watch out daddy told me Yes, so I'm doing it I do say daddy diddy diddy. Hey diddy recipes. Yeah, I don't think I ever had that then I think I got to the lowest point

I was like, I'm not gonna make it. Who's coming with me, right? And a lot of people were like, I'm not gonna make it either I got shotgun That's where I kind of feel like my group it my like, you know, I feel like it's sort of this I don't know. I honestly do not know who my supporters are sometimes like I don't know if supporters But like I don't really know who's on my team because it's not like redneck people Right. No, I think I I know your supports. Well, I'm one of them. But like I know that I know that dude, you know It's a Riley, you know

Riley, how are you today? I feel like I'm in the presence of just like barbara Streisand. I adore you Riley Japanese Greatness right that right there. That's right. Are you Japanese Riley? I am. There you go. Yeah. How's church? It's it's pretty great. Great. I love that for you. You're a man of God I'm a woman of the Lord. So that's why he just opened the door earlier and we just connected. I felt the Holy Spirit there I could see that. I felt it. Yeah, Riley last year got his first kiss actually. Oh hell. Yeah Hell yeah, how was it tongue? Yeah Yes Cleaning the palate maybe with that freaking little ginger snap. There you go

Now Riley, I'm a great matchmaker. That's just like one of my talents So if you if you tell me like what you like, I mean you can be very specific with it If you're like I wanted to have green eyes and you know being to anime and you know love chipotle Like I will find her. So don't ever feel like you can ask me. I will find you Dr. Sus. They call him Dr. Sus Yeah, we'll talk green Green eyes and breasts. What uh, what do you like rally on and see if you are looking for a woman And I think Heather's very serious about that. I am that she would consider helping you out brother. Um, yeah I mean, I'm uh, I'm I'm more of the uh

I don't I don't I'm I'm honestly open to anything not not anything anything but like, um, I mean Like give us one at one detail. Yeah, give us an ideal like you talking so we talking five to six feet. What are we talking? Yeah cool, um Honestly as tall as you want, um, I like six four I mean, you know, do you want to be cuddled at night? Like you got just give me specifics How do you want to feel? Okay? Okay? I like being cuddled. Okay, great. All right. So a larger woman. Okay, larger woman Fantastic. Um, I mean, I'd like to cuddle her as well So maybe she has one short leg one long leg. Yeah, you want to backpack it, huh? Okay, exactly. Um,

Yeah, um Let's see what fantastic. That's all I need right there. I got it. I just and it's about what you get out of them It's uh, yeah, yeah, you know, it's a it's a waiting game Okay, it is. Give me a blonde. Give me a blonde. It's a game show. You say give me a blonde. Give me a blonde. Okay? Okay, there we go. See I like that and it's okay I think men now feel intimidated like they can't say what they want But just be honest about it. Like I have a very specific. I want a woman. Yeah. I want a woman. That's fine. I want somebody with a vagina

You know, yeah, I prefer a good attitude and that we can find that there's plenty of women out there with vaginas and good attitudes Now riley because we haven't even really gotten into this riley and I know have you been uh, since the kiss Have you been doing any more dating or is it? Uh, not yet. No, um, I want to the not yet. Yeah, not yet, but I will soon you got to speak it into existence Exactly, you know, put it on the vision board. I used to think that was such bullshit Right, and then I got a high one like new year's day and I made a vision board and all the shit came true I was like god damn. Okay. So I think if you speak it out into the universe, you're just like I want a blonde woman Who I can cuddle or maybe she cuddles me?

You you'll see what happens. Wow. Yeah, you got to ask me. I mean look I really believe and is Atlanta too far for you for a woman not really do you have a mileage? Do you have a a distance? No Atlanta. How far is that landing far? So not far at all 34 minute flight four hour drive I got you not bad. I got women all over like I I have a posse of beautiful women in Nashville Yeah, I got you. Okay. I don't want to end up in any sort of because legally it's going to come back on to me. Okay, sorry Do you know I can find you love too. I can find you love too. Yeah, how old are you Riley? I need to make sure you're legal I'm I'm 22. Almost 23. Great. Great. Great. Yeah going on 23. I love yeah. Yeah that somebody's young

And they also tell you how old they're about to be next In 18 weeks, I'll be 23. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah No, look, I would I would like it, you know, I would like to find somebody. Um, I had a girl just Just kind of deserted me recently, but Um, she just left you in the dust. Huh? She just left you in the dust or ghosted you or what? Yeah, she um Well, I was living in Iowa and I had two kids and they were at the county fair and She passed through town and that's how we met. I was taking photos down by a bridge. Okay, and um No, that's a bridge is a menacing. Okay

I just really like it. But um What what happened? No. Yeah, she just told me it just wasn't for her man. She told me it wasn't for her. So How do you feel? I'm I was a little bummed actually because I felt like I just didn't share kind of I think I had some more feelings And I didn't share them and so I felt like I got kind of left just like She did it over text, which was a little bit of a I thought it wasn't cool I hate that. I don't even like to text period like I am old school call me on a home phone Like I want to chitchat. Oh, yeah breaking my fucking house. Yes. Yes breaking my window

Breathe over me in the middle of the night and be like, yo, we're meeting for lunch tomorrow Like that's the level of intrusion I want club me and put me in your fucking step dad's Acura trunk. Okay. Yes. I want to know that you care. Do you notice that always it's like on amber alerts It's always a fucking like maroon accurate every fucking time Yeah, you know, I don't know what kind of like marketing they're doing but every time I get an amber alert It's like maroon accurate Yeah, I'm like, what the fuck and then the crazy part is with advertising on the phones an hour later I'll get accurate sale come on down to accurate. It's like this is insane man. Fuck. No. I'm not setting myself up for failure

No Yeah, it's just crazy though how you're out the advertising, but yeah, I think look there's probably good women out there and Do you have a type? Do I have a type really, you know, I think I'm kind of surprised a little bit I like to have a woman that maybe has a little bit of probably probably faith. I think she likes to laugh Yeah, she doesn't have to be like, uh The funny person just to get jokes though. Yeah Like just she just has to be able to read, you know what I mean? Yeah, just like a basic sense of humor

Yeah, basic sense of humor. What else do I like you want a woman who believes in the lord believes in some sort of faith It doesn't have to be you know, it doesn't have to be christian Yeah, but it has to be some sort of has some relationship with our heart power or wants to yeah I don't want somebody just fucking hitchhiking the galaxy. You know what I'm saying like Like I need to know if there's a rapture. You're going somewhere You know, I just need to know that you have a final destination doesn't have to be heaven It could be your own heaven But I just need to know that like we have something to look forward to together

Yeah, it could be somebody from grove. I was gonna come pick you up off the counter and take you somewhere. That's fine Okay, okay, but you gotta have you got to be a side item on some deities battleship. Yeah Yeah, I feel you there. Um, so I think like that maybe what else do I like? You know, I want to obviously something that I'm attracted to Um, are you more of like a blonde brunette redhead like do you care at all? I mean, it's okay to say these things out like me that much. They don't they do not and it's okay And she can see it. Yeah, I can see it and it's fine. They do not like I don't know what it is They've never I've never really been their cup of tea. I think so you probably don't date blonde center

I don't I've I've tried I've sent them DMs. I don't hear back from these women. Well any women that are You know, uh followers of mine that are listening. I slide into theos DMs and I really want like hot blonde Like I just I think you'd look good with the blonde. Oh, wow. Yeah Yeah, or if you're like kind of a cross-eyed brunette also slide DMs So feel like you'd also thrive with somebody with like a loose eye, you know Yeah, look, I mean you can you can have something that isn't exactly perfect. That's fine. I'm not perfect So I got a lot of loose pieces and um

So yeah, but yeah, I'm open to dating, you know, I'm trying to be a little bit more Realistic about it and just like actually not just dating whatever, you know, I'm trying to actually, you know Use my time wisely, but I feel like when you find the right person you will know Oh, you do you do you do when my husband we met I mean when we're like 22 He walked into a bar in New York. I literally said to my friend Tina who's here. I said, holy shit I'm gonna marry him. No, she was like but Jeff like they were high school friends. She was like my buddy Jeff I was like, oh my god, like this it was like a voice. I don't know where it came from It was like deep in my taint and it just came out and I was like that's that's who I'm gonna marry

And sure enough. I mean 10 years later, but we're married. It's a while. It's wild. It took a while Took a while. Yeah took a couple of uh, it took a couple of like one decade. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but we got to it. We got to it. Yeah Yeah, yeah. Um, do you uh, do you remember your first kiss though growing up? Yes, we talk about this a lot and we've had a lot of You know unique people sit here and talk about it. Travis Tritt Um, who else came in here and talked about that morgan wall and we talked about Um, to me the first kiss like yeah, I remember my first like peck. It was like Levi was my boyfriend in kindergarten But my first like adult kiss with tongue. I was 13. It was michael cambell. Shout out to michael cambell if you're listening I was on a beach and destined on spring break and I think he like it like it was one of those things where you're like at

That weird age where everyone's like, so are we all gonna stand in a circle tonight and like make out like it was that And he just tapped me on the shoulder He turned me around and he shoved his face in mine and it was just like a you know what I mean? Just like a yes just an oral He was just it was like mouthwash just really hitting every spot in the mouth. Was it enjoyable? Absolutely not cycle cambell. They call him. He's still yeah, he's still has whiplash from it Oh, yeah, he does and once you stopped in his body started spinning it was like something on him was gonna be rotorin 100% and I remember turning around like like it happened

It was like 30 seconds and then he like walked away into the night in the sand I was like was that a ghost and I was in like a tank cany and I was like fuck That beach is a Cheyenne song came on by goth Brooks. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and I just and there's like the thunder rolls You know and then the lightning strikes. I was like, hell. Yeah, I just kiss michael cambell. Yeah Damn god michael cambell and I'll say this. That's a good name too. You got a damn good name for somebody You hope you did something. You know what I'm saying? I hope you did something with yourself and you're not just out there building fences You know, right? Yeah Which is codeword for being in prison being in prison uncle tom's building fences, you know

um I remember I remember now you really making me think about when we would go to the beach and uh And we would go and during the day we would try to get liquor then we would bury it in the sand Because I'm like a sand dune Yes, because we couldn't bring it back up to the hotel room because the parents would see it Yeah, and then we'd go out at night and there used to be Boys and girls would just be walking up and down the beach at night like on the beach like right where you could drown You know the freaking old natalie holloway circuit, you know

And you'd be out there just trotting along Yeah, you would meet up with somebody and you might make out with them and you were only 13 or 14 I can't even believe we navigated it. It seems like how how did we pull that off? Yeah I remember getting so much trouble the first time I took booze down I got a thing of um Like sea grooms the blue gin because I thought it was going to taste like gatorade and that looked nice So nice that I thought it was kind of square a little bit coming up. Yeah It was like a sharp bottle, you know, and I brought it down and we just like buried it in the sand dune

My best friend mary beth and I were like, yeah, we're gonna chug it and it was like what the fuck is gin You know, my eyebrows just melted off and I was like, I didn't want this to happen My tankini's just falling off. It was yeah, I was traumatized and my mom found it under my bed when I got back from Like spring break and she's like you're an alcoholic like I'm like mom I barely drank it like I had like a sip of it with gatorade and I threw up for two hours. So yeah barely drank it Yeah, and the word you would be you just try to make out with your mom like I don't remember like the first couple times you got drunk It was like crazy. So you're like dad's cute, you know Oh

It would be crazy like what and your parents and you guys were charlotte's and charlotte's You guys yeah, whoever the fuck they were do their game in and you guys were over there And the people your parents like what in the hell is going on I studied abroad in italy and I literally was so fucked up the whole time I was there and had the best time But I thought I was gonna go like go to italy and like find like a hot italian man I looked up with like a romanian or Croatian and then I'm like making out with this guy Wouldn't I and his name's Fernando and we're talking I'm like, where are you from in italy? He's like I'm from cancun

I'm the only person who went to italy to study abroad and hooked up with a mexican guy But his family owned carlos and charles. So that was the big deal. He's like come to cancun My family owns carlos and charles. I was like, hell. Yeah, did you go? Hell. Yeah, I did. We're we're still facebook friends You're lying. You know, it's we're god. Yeah. Yeah, but I also I also dealt 100% No, I know for a fact his family did not own carlos and charles because I got there and like we had to wait in line Do you know what I mean? It's like god damn it for not though. He was hot though. So Damn, that's hilarious. Yeah, that's great Do you remember were you guys pretty well off growing up or your parents have some money?

So my dad went to a private school I did but my I remembered the beginning when my dad was trying to build his business He ended up being very successful But I remember at the beginning my mom has this like triggering moment where my my dad essentially I guess like Did he meant to like the software for the online credit report? Oh, so he was big in the mortgage business and it was like a computer nerd But we started from nothing and I remember one day we were at the grocery store and I said mom We can't get that it's like ice cream. It's like we can't get it. We don't have a coupon

My mom said she went home that day was like you better fucking make this business work because these kids are like Really like shaming me in a Kroger But yeah, I mean when by the time I graduated high school dad had sold his company and he did well So yeah, but I had this like great southern father and who was just like so I mean he had this like deep southern voice And he was just like baby girl. You can do anything. You're a goddamn McMahon like go for it Like he loved being a girl dad Even though he was like this larger life larger than life character. He looked exactly like

Uncle Phil from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, but white. So imagine white uncle Phil. That is literally my father. I love that I love that man, uh I um And he died of cancer. What kind of cancer did he get pancreatic? Oh once it gets down there Oh, you're fucked and it was crazy from the day of diagnosis to the day of death. It was one week You're lying. I swear to god. He was gonna have a fucking heart attack in waffle house He went to waffle house every day He had his own booth like they have a booth with a plaque on it where my dad used to go

So he was really yeah, I mean I thought for sure if somebody called me they're like he just dropped a head in a chick filet I'd be like that's on brand dad. That's on brand. Um, but yeah, he had no idea and So we went to the hospital and they're like, yeah, he's got you know The he's oh be lucky to make it through the night and we got him to md. Anderson in houston and then it was like a week later So it's also weird because when you talk to other people about cancer, they're like, yeah My mom struggled with chemo for three years and I'm like, we had a fucking week Like I still went through it and saw it, but it wasn't I didn't have the same experience as everybody else Right. It was insane. Yeah. Yeah. It was very quick if you get pancreatic cancer

but then you have like that one asshole we had this real dick in our neighborhood And he's had pancreatic cancer stage four for like 13 years. He's still kicking it But I'm like if you survive it, you're you're an asshole like if you're still on this earth I think god either wants you to learn something teach somebody something or you still have something left to do I was like my dad peaked. That's the way I have to like rationalize it. He was such a great guy He had had the successful company. He fucking did it. He peaked. So once you peak, you're done like lights out Yeah, you're you're gonna die. Yeah, so if you start to feel you're so peaking man Yeah, you better get home and figure it out get real fucking lazy. Yeah and make sure your will in a state is you know

Yeah, yeah, that's a good point actually It is a scary feeling to feel like what else do I need to do or what else am I supposed to do? Yeah, it's also a nice feeling to think like what else am I what is what other purpose do I have and to find some other purpose? right I think that's where I've been at recently just real recently just trying to figure out like Find some more purpose for myself. That's not involving me Like that's one thing a side effect of doing our jobs these days is it's a lot of me Yeah, and it's a lot of me and it's a lot of like

Do you know you're the product kind of in a way and so it's a lot of me and it's like god Yes, so damn sick sick of myself self loathing too. Yeah, I'm so fucking sick of myself And then I had these moments where like I never had anxiety before and I've recently like been getting super fucking anxious It's like almost like a manifestation through my body where I'm like my heads Like I'm just like what the fuck is happening and I'm like I gotta get over myself Then I'm like, you know, it's like just stay fucking humble and not that I'm not but it's like you're like Why am I feeling this anxiety? Like I know what I'm doing. I know what I'm here for But it's like trying to find that bigger purpose

Like maybe maybe it's the lord telling me like slow your fucking role do something else for somebody, you know Yeah, yeah, I think well, that's what they say sometimes. Yeah, like um That I'll find if I find yeah other stuff to do for if I find stuff if I make my focus other people Right, then I'll find more joy, you know But yeah, it's interesting man because you start to become that it's a lot about you because you're the product And you're the only one doing and you're also you're the production company You're the there's so many little things that you are and it's like and then also we You you made it work that way. So it's hard to

It's hard to delegate. I don't know how to tell anybody to do anything My entire family is like you need to hire someone but I'm like when you've been hustling in on the grind It's like I just know how to do it and that's another thing Pisces. We're not great at delegating Like I'm like if I don't do it for my no, we're not we're terrible at it I mean you got a good crew here and you got Riley. You got to write this down. Yeah, I got you. I got you Um, but yeah, it's it's really hard to just like let go of the reins and be like, okay I trust somebody else because when you're like a dress sleep on our side or not Do we sleep on our back or side? No, we sleep on our tummy. Do you sleep face down or on your side?

I've been doing like kind of this almost 45 degree angle thing. I gotta figure it out Okay, we sleep on our tummy. We do sleep on our tummy. I'm like face down Yeah, okay. Yeah, we're getting our lives together because I don't know a lot of this And I think this is one thing where men and when we don't know what's going on right in the stars So we're out there. You know, like you think everything's a little dipper, you know And we're like, oh, that's a little dipper, you know Yeah, I mean, I've really had to have these moments like after coming off the road and like basically sitting at home for 2020 I'm like shit. I've had time to like be in the quiet and reflect and I realize I only thrive in chaos

Like when I'm on the road when I'm at auditioning when I'm on 65 flights in a month That's where I do well when I have time to kind of sit alone in my own thoughts I'm like, this is a scary place to be and it's not that I'm like, you know, not in tune with who I am I think you have to be to do comedy, but there's just moments like I don't do well in silence Maybe I'm fucking codependent of shit. I don't know what it is, but I need to have like the noise around me I'm also freezing my eggs right now. So I'm on a lot of hormones. So I'm just like Literally, I'm sweating through everything I have on right now And I think that's also why my anxiety is bad, but it's a fucking wild ride

Frozen eggs, baby. Yeah, I like that. Yeah, but they basically like I have to put testosterone gel all over my shoulders at night I already I'm built like a water buffalo. Look, I don't I wouldn't say that I'm built like a conestoga wagon I know that I'm built like yes pull up a gingerbread man. This is exactly what I'm like ladies if anybody wants some of this You know what I'm saying? I want you to know what you're gonna get. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah full throttle. We're going no frosting Okay, we're going no frosting though ladies, but pull the water buffalo to and then you'll see Water buffalo and gingerbread man, please. Can we get two images Raleigh whenever you get a chance? You know the brain is one of the biggest organs in the body And I made that up, but that could be true

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Headspace can help you headspace dot com slash t-o for one free month um Yeah, it's interesting as you start to like kind of know what you are and what's going on Yeah, but I can't imagine women you guys get that so when they do the eggs What do they do take me through the egg hunt? It is such a wild ride and can anybody do it or you have to be chosen No, no anybody can do it as long as you have eggs So you might actually have a couple eggs. I don't know you could look into it

Oh, dude, I feel like a little bit of a bit sometimes brother between us man between us now that one looks a little too I don't want to sit that one. I need one a little bit lighter tone. That one looks a little bit argentinian for me No, not the water buffalo the gingerbread man. Yeah. Yeah, okay. I could see this. Do you like thick hands though? No, you've got a nice underhand arms only a medium length arms. There we go. Let's go that happy go lucky guy right there There we go. Oh, yeah, and even the one that's kind of running away at the bottom. That's me Yeah, hi see he's running away from our problems. Yeah, that's me right there Now hit the water buffalo. That's me to a tee a solid slender ankle. You know what I mean? Beautiful ankles. Yeah, yeah, great ankles, but just really I mean, it's just all the powers right here

Make a sock out of my freaking wiener that thing looks nice, bro Oh, how's that little baby right there? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. God So that's where I'm at. But yeah, I have to put testosterone gel and then like take estrogen pills So I'm just spiraling like I don't know what the fuck's happening. And where do you eat it? Do you just you guys for all summer you're in that field or what do you guys do? Yeah, we just hang out in the field and then roll around and testosterone and grass. Yeah Um, we actually eat I mean, we you know, we graze if you will. I love that We graze a little bit. Then we also smoke a lot of menthols. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, yeah

There we go. That's what I'm talking about testosterone gel a little glaze in the grass and then a lot of menthols These eggs are a lightly charred Now do you date a lot of brothers growing up because I feel like you seem like and people must say this all the time You kind of that brother bait. Did you drive a Honda Civic and date a lot of brothers? I did not drive a Honda Civic I drove an old BMW. But so the I would say like if Jeff got hit I have a very distinct type and it's literally like my father I like I consider like identify as a lumbar sexual I like men and like plaid shirts with chest hair and beards and like medium penises like that is to me

Okay, that's that's my type. Okay. Um, but but the men who hit on me inside my DMs the most are urban gentlemen for sure I had a man after a show in Atlanta one time. He came up to me. He's like damn girl never lose y'all groceries And I was like, I mean, I'm so sorry. I know I literally was stumped and I was like, I'm so sorry sir What and he's like, you know girl y'all melons and then just like then they just walked away And I was like, I don't know what just happened. But yeah, I'm kind of turned on right now Yeah, black men also, I think they just have a level of they can I think fuck at a different level. I feel like I don't know. Yes. Yes. Yeah, I don't know. I um, my last couple of boyfriends were not black But yes, those are the men who here's the thing. I think because they're excited. They're like ready to do they're like fun

But they also like really confident women And and I think that's what it is like we look at black women. They're always just like owning themselves In their body so comfortable like what do white women have we have like gwyneth paltrow telling us We have to do a fucking cleanse and put crystals up bar vagine all the time. Yeah So I think I'm I kind of carry that southern big hair big tits like let's fucking go, you know Um energy. So how many people think you're that lady who married the football player's wife? Do you know that lady a little bit more specific the lady who married the lady they had a reality show for a while on bravo Do people ever think you're that lady?

Oh kim's ulce act. Yes. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Okay. So my mom went up to her to publics one time because they love I thought it was you. Yes. My mom went up to her and was like kim My daughter looks just like you and then showed her a photo of me and kim was not happy with it But I'm like kim come on girl. I'm like you with like, you know an extra 20 pounds But yes, I do get told I look like kim all the time. Oh, that's funny. I get a lot of random stuff Kim look all different now. I mean, I haven't seen her in years or anything I just remember they used to have a show that she was on Yeah, don't be tardy for the party and it was uh, because her husband played

Atlanta football and I'm a Saints fan. So we would see you they would play each other, but I get uh, Anna Nicole Smith a lot Oh, yeah, the deceased deceased recipes, but I get her like when she was having a good day I used to work at this gym in LA and this old guy named Moses would come in all the fucking time and he would just scream Anna Nicole You're here and I'd be like god damn it, Moses Like I know you're in a knee brace and you're here to exercise, but I want to fucking take you out by the knees Like I don't need you and then everybody would kind of turn and look at the counter. They'd be like, oh, she is Anna Nicole And I'm like god damn it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I wonder what musical we would be in Sound of music is good. It's a good one

Yeah, I mean, we're not hitting Hamilton You know what I mean? I just don't think we have the diversity or the talent for it So I think I yeah, I don't know and I don't like those I think a lot of the uniforms they were on a ship or something. I don't like a lot of that I feel you. I feel you then. I mean, what else can we do like dirty dancing? Oh, yeah, hell. Yeah, we could have a moment in dirty dancing again. We would have no pants on Yeah, exactly. Just remember You're the one thing

That song you know I'm talking about. Yeah, okay, but then I would pick you up because I keep singing it and you're singing Like you don't know what I'm talking about and it's making me nervous I time of my life Why don't we get a harmonize? Never felt this weird No, I know it. I know it. I was letting you take the lead I'm in a wheelchair. I gotta be in a wheelchair and in the end I'd just go off a little ramp And then I'm at the bottom and you crush me, but we figured out we're like obviously It's like stage combat where I don't actually get hurt

But that's the new twist that you end up killing me You have you have a thing they gotta go into for the wheelchair Because they did a fundraiser. Yes, I love that. They did a fundraiser volleyball game And it rained but people still came and gave money And somebody got electrocuted because they also had a band there and that guy died, but it wasn't about him It wasn't it's never about him and everyone's like, hey, you know what Dylan go fuck yourself You always try and make it about you, but because he's a tourist and that's how that works Yes, he's a tourist dude. He's a tourist, but he ain't no freaking bull like no, he ain't a water buffalo

No, he ain't god. It's like looking in the mirror. Oh Oh, really? I just don't I mean, I understand the Relationship to I I understand seeing an object pull up connoisseur wagon if you will please rally Uh Also, let me let's go on record first time in asian guys ask me how to spell something And no offense not assuming you're asian but connoisseur wagon we expect it better How about this dude fucking gas bro? Yeah, you know what I'm saying? Just type in wagon. I got it. I got one of those would come up

Let's see you spell it out. I actually want to see this go on Because the spelling bee at our school and shut out this girl Halena and they called her big Halena. Oh She was pregnant. That's why she was big and people were still like you're fat. She's like, I have a black baby in me You know, it was like kind of Crush the spelling bee suck a dick. Yeah She won the spelling bee in fifth grade Pregnancia, okay And it I miss women can do anything. I'm telling you. Thank you. We can't thank you. Look at the statue of liberty

Okay, that bitch is in you know, she's in heels and she's been standing up that long. She's been doing it crush. Praise god Oh, this is a Conestoga wagon. That's how I'm built. Yes. Hold on. Let me take a look at you. Let me take a look at the wagon 100% that I've actually never seen something more accurate. Thank you. Yep. The neck is right. Yep limited neck now I can I can see you know, I'll look around but it's it's a lot of us for show. Yeah So you're self-aware. That's another thing about being a Pisces. You're self-aware Too self-aware too self-aware and that's why we get anxiety. Yeah, I think No, I think you might be right. God I wish I freaking knew you more because I just need a lot of this information. I got you. I will literally help you

I'll find you love. I'll do your taxes. Not well, but I will do them Um, and yeah, I'll find you love and help you fix your life. Okay. That's but that's also another thing I like to kind of help and fix people like I love a fucking project. Yeah. I love a project. Oh dang Oh, hell. Yeah Yeah, a fixer-upper. Let's go Are you um Are you touring? What are you gonna be doing? So I kind of did what you did. I did a bunch of the live shows Here's my thing. My audience gets really fucking rowdy like originally they were like, let's do some of these drive-in shows

But I'm like, I've had a call on ambulance multiple times for these drunk women So I said the last thing we want to do is have a drive-in show where then there's like a 15 carpile up on the highway And my name's on the marquee. So I was like, let's not do anything with vehicles So you guys had a bad drive-in. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, you know, I just I was like, I'm not gonna do the drive-in shows I know that's what everybody was doing this summer. So I'm waiting. I mean, I had to put my tour in hold So I hope we're able to go out in the fall. I need to like pop in and start doing some shows again But no, I haven't I haven't it's kind of nerve-wracking. I think now somebody can come from that You're like, will people still come out? They came out before. Yeah, will they come out again?

And I I I fear that I think everybody I think A lot of people do in our business, you know, you just don't know you had things were going pretty decently You don't know if people forget about you if they forgot, you know, like even though there's proof that they didn't right You still just don't know sometimes. I know my audience pretty well though. I mean, I love you I mean, listen, I have a very strong female audience and and you know, I am their white Oprah and I'm just so proud to have that role Um, but I I know that these women that mean they message me on the fucking regular They're like, I've got three kids. I've been locked up wrong with my fucking husband And you know Marcus like I'm gonna literally murder the whole family. You better be performing this weekend

So I have a feeling it's gonna be like revenge travel like these women When they're able when they're able to be in a theater again, they're gonna be losing their fucking shit So and I had a wild uh tour in 2019 where I was like god damn I almost like felt a little self-conscious I was like, do I come off as like a raging partier because I mean I drink but nothing crazy And these women would just be like getting so fucked up at the shows and I had to be like Hey guys, I want you to enjoy this and take something away from the show. So like pump the brakes on the seltzers before you get here Um, but I think it's gonna get even wilder

Like I think I'm gonna have to just do some crazy shows right out of the gate And then we can get back to like trying to be a professional. You know what I mean? Yeah, that's a good point You know, I stopped in the comedy club last night and um and half the crowd I felt like Was just wanting to be out. Yeah, they just want to be out somewhere If it's a woman or man, whoever's come they're bringing their they've wheeled their partner out Yeah, the partner does not want to be there. The partner wants to be doing something else They just got in like chess.com or some bullshit that eventually will lead them out of the marriage

Yes, because I saw the queen's gambit and now they're like, oh, yeah, I'm gonna be a fucking chess tycoon. You're like, no, you're not You're 20 years behind Yeah, so I think a lot of people are just wanting to be out right now Yeah, I mean, I'm starting to get that itch I mean other than fact that I'm sweating because I'm on a lot of hormones right now, but yeah, I'm starting to get that itch Where I just need it's a revenge travel. Like I'm ready to go. I had COVID. I'm like, I've got the antibodies. Let's roll, you know Um, are you hot in your eye? I can see on oh, I'm fucking melting But again, it's because I'm on testosterone

Is it I was on some a little bit. I got off of it But will you you mind cutting the uh air conditioner on it's right outside of the door. Yeah. Oh, I didn't know if you could have it Oh, thank god, please be I'm fucking melting. I've drank like already this water. I'm hitting a smoothie Oh, it's been a while. Yeah, well, you look nice though. I don't see any sweat on your head or anything Well, I'm just I feel like the pants are getting you know what I mean Just I mean when you have big tits though It just it all it captures right around your heart, which then that's why I have a fucking hot flashes all the time That's the other thing performing

I'm a very physical comedian and I get off stage and then I have to do these meet and greets and I have to like Change clothes and I don't sweat in normal life. I mean, it's amped up obviously because I'm on testosterone gel, but Yeah, I want to get on I remember getting uh, I would get sweaty on stage and I remember Yeah, I never had any tits like that. I had decent I used to do steroids and I had some pretty good tits for a little bit But that was in college, you know, and They were just you know chest more. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I feel like I'm on Roy's right now

Like I literally called my doctor before I came in I've only been on these for a week But you basically have to do this shit We have to like prep your body so you can grow a ton of eggs Oh, really and then they go in and they try and take as many eggs as possible. No way and it's a really weird feeling Yeah, it's almost like angry birds Yeah, no, it's literally angry birds And it's the weirdest feeling because most people they like take their eggs and then they're immediately like trying to get pregnant But I've got to go finish tours and like my career is just now in this place where I'm like

Okay, I but my doctor's like you need to try and get these out while you can because in two years It might be hard to get pregnant So I'm doing all this shit to make your body think that you're pregnant to prepare to then not have somebody like hand you a Baby, it's the weirdest thing. So it's a real big emotional I mean, obviously you're a hormonal roller coaster But I'm just like about to have to start shots in like a week like what it's just the most outer body feeling Do they give you a prac like a like a baby to carry around just like a cabbage patch doll to take the the edge off You know, they can and actually I think I should probably request that

I don't know why I didn't ask for that in the beginning Yeah, you get like a little papoos with the baby and it's really just to see like if you are Tutable to be a parent. Yeah, just get a temp at least something to keep under your arm for an hour You know what I'm saying just something to take that little grit out of you Yeah, and I asked my my husband. I said, you know, like ideally when would you want to have kids? He's like just such a typical dude answer. He's like, I don't know like five to seven years Like the clock is ticking brah. Like I don't have that. He's like, let's start in like seven years I'm like, I'll be like well into my 40s. It's not gonna happen. Um, so after Illinois wins, you know, like, uh,

We don't know when that's gonna be Oh, everything's around Penn State, you know, he's just like, yeah when Penn State like wins a championship And so I'm like, yeah, good luck to you when they stop molesting people. Yeah, then maybe but They're in the wrong business No, people so many people have been molested and called into this show. So it's totally yeah, that's nothing crazy. Yeah, um What else do we want to cover on here? Let's let's bring up another question that came in uh from someone that loves you and uh And we'll see what we can do here. Actually, you know what? I want to get to real quick Let's bring up that video of um, we do something on here where we do something fun nice for single mom

So we had somebody who called in and submitted one. So let's get that video up real quick If you don't mind Raleigh Mal Oh Okay, is your title nervous? Hey, it's Cody from central pennsylvania. I wanted to nominate my co-worker kim as a single mother Um, you know, whenever we come back to our office, uh have bad day had a hard day. Uh, she's always a smiling face Um, cheers us up And a great woman. Um, you know, she's raised uh A good daughter. I've got a good head on her shoulders. Um, you know, she's trying to take care of her mother

Um commuting to take care of her mother as well. Um, and it's just been a little tough lately um figured I'd reach out but um Gang gang gang baby. Thanks for the call. Let's call kim real quick and we'll just I love that you do this Let's give her a call. Yeah. Look, it's uh, it's nice that people support man And I remember my mom always just like I just sometimes if she would have had like a little extra can just do something You know, just so she like a couple of hours. We shouldn't have to think about some, you know, like I feel like it just would have helped her a lot. Um Um, but what do I know also? Let's see. Let's call him up. Riley. Can you get that lady on there? Kim is her name?

Yep, he's on he's on him by Oh god, I cannot wait to set up Riley, I'm so thrilled. Yeah. Now that I want to see yeah, uh, you know I'm sure I could eventually figure out something if something real, you know, positive comes across your desk Let me know. Can you switch to the camera so they can see me or Riley or there we go She's gonna think I'm a damn pedophile Hey, Kim Yes, hey, my name is Theo. I'm just uh, I guess I'm a stranger really but um

I am calling you a friend of yours. I work on a podcast. I'm a podcast guy And a friend of yours called who was the guy who submitted the video Riley. Can you tell me? Uh, cody cody a man named cody that works with you reached out And he said because sometimes we we I was raised by a single mother sometimes we do something nice for single moms So he nominated you he just said look there's a lady that works with me And sometimes I'm having a bad day or at work We're having a bad day and I see her and she always boosts my spirits and she's been a great mom

She has a child and she's been taking care of her mother and it's just been a lot He's said I noticed it might have been some extra stress on her recently So he just nominated you. Um, and we just do a thing where we just Just give you a little financial gift of a thousand bucks and you can go do something fun And um, and that's all it is. So we just I know it's a lot of me talking immediately out of the gate And I just wanted to uh To just let you know why I'm calling so you don't think I'm some kind of pervert or something Well, thank you so much theo. I really appreciate that that is really awesome

uh, cody is an awesome friend and co-worker And uh, when he told me that he he did this, um, I looked you up and I watched one of your podcasts Um and enjoyed it very much so um So this this is great in many ways because he he opened my eyes to to you and you're a funny guy so and he said that you do great things for people and Um, just is wonderful. Well, that's sweet. I'm gonna say that, you know, it's nothing super big, but uh, yeah It's sometimes just nice to have a little bit, you know, just something extra to you the luxury coin

You go do something, you know do something take mom to the skate park or something, you know Um, what does your mom enjoy doing? Do y'all spend any time? What's the what's the time like that you guys spend together? Well, um, unfortunately, my mom is ill right now um, and I just saw her a couple days ago for the first time in over a year because of coven And um, so she's struggling. Um, I'm trying to to help her Um, I live two and a half hours away from her. So it's not easy to see her on a regular basis Um, so I'm just trying to help her. Um, hopefully move her closer to me. Um, I And just take care of her. Um, she's 71

Which is, you know, still fairly young. I think but oh, yeah, a lot of games of scrabble left in that lady, I think Yeah, do you guys like to play a board gamers or something you like to do my mom and I like to play scrabble sometimes Oh, yeah well, um Not recently. Um, because I've been away from her for a few years. Um, we used to go to uh concerts a lot. Oh, dang Oh, yeah, we've been to you know, anything from rock to country to it's pretty much anything Um, so so that was really big for us for many years. Oh, wow And we're we're big washington football team fans

Oh, wow, that's incredible. Um, well, you know what also I think maybe, um We'll have to send her some nice flowers or something. We'll grab her a dress from you, you know So we can just you know and keep in touch and see if there's some other way that we can help out I don't know if I know anybody with the washington football team. I'd say I get you some tickets over there, but I might though. I'm gonna have to ask around. Maybe we'll see what we can do. Um, and we have heather macman here today too She's a comedian friend of mine. Hello She might have some suggestions. I don't know. What what what do you what do you do with your mom heather? Um, my mom's 73 and sassy. I mean, she loves the home goods. You know what I mean? She just likes to be bop around town

Um, yeah, here's the thing. We're gonna figure out. I'm gonna reach out to whoever I need to we're gonna get you some tickets So a washington game. Oh, wow. I mean, I I feel like I'm well lubricated. Well connected. We'll figure it out. Yeah Yeah Could your mom go to a game you think possibly one day or what do you think? Um, I'm hoping as of right now No, just because of her medical issues right now, but um, I'm I sure hope that we can in the future Okay, so that that is a little iffy right now, but um It would be great to take her to a game. It's been uh, uh, almost 10 years since we've been to a game

So oh dang well, it's probably been that long since the team's been decent too. So Um, probably a little over 20 And you're still fans. Wow Yeah, good on you life long life long fan. No matter how good or bad they do That's pretty cool. Yeah, I I've yeah, you don't meet a mother daughter. Uh football fan. I haven't met it that much I have it. I just want to say I think it's so fantastic that you're taking care of your mom I move back in with my mom and my mom 73 and just like these this time that you get Uh with your parents just like hold on to it because it's you know, you can't get get those years back

So you're doing the Lord's work. You really are Well, thank you. That's why I want to move her closer to me so I can see her on a daily and weekly basis Um, it's it's really really difficult to have her so far away And and I hadn't seen her in almost a year and a half and it was just very difficult. Um, I'm an only child Um, I have an only child. Um, my mom's an only child. So we have like the world's smallest family I think damn. Yeah And what's what's the biggest thing preventing you from having her close right now? Um

Financial issues. Yeah Yeah, um, I I need to figure out how to get her moved up here. Um, just moving costs Um and find a place that has some assisted She needs some assistance. So, um, not necessarily an assisted living in place, but um, Did it help to come in to check on her and Moving's expensive and help like nursing is so expensive. So I I hear you it's we looked into it for a family friend I was like, I never realized how truly expensive it is to get an extra set of hands, you know Yeah, and if you go through the government and stuff, it's hard to get that

It's all these so much documentation and you can't have a job a lot of times if you want to get help It's really it's really tough. You know what I want to I want us to help out as much as we can So I want to stay in touch and see if there's some way that we can't find some, um, You know, I don't want to promise anything, but just see if we can see what the costs are and some of the longer term kind of thing I know, uh, when my mother's When her husband when her second husband died one of her biggest or as he got older one of the tough things was my mother couldn't Claim any income because if she did she couldn't get like, you know, then she couldn't get assistance and all this There's so much rigmarole. Um

So when you're like, I bet your mom's so proud of you though She is she is very proud of me and and I'm proud of her too um, you know, she was a single mom and It was tough and and now I'm a single mom of five years, I guess it's been and uh Yeah, it's tough, but uh, but we're very very close and would like to continue that as long as possible Well, we're gonna stay in touch and see what we can do to try and help out and uh, and just thank you so much and and um Yeah, just thanks for answering the phone today. Yeah, and just it just puts us in a place of just remembering

That were you know that everybody's kind of dealing with something whether it's big or small sometimes and that um It's nice to connect and think about those things together Right, right. Well, I really appreciate your help and your thoughtfulness. It's really awesome Um, well, that's you know these days. It's really hard to find Nice people that want to help out and um, I I greatly appreciate it Well, that's sweet of you to say that and yeah, we're gonna stay in touch and see what we can do to try and I don't know. I feel like we can be a little more helpful though And so I just want to see let's let's see what we can do and uh, and thanks for your time today

And um, I hope you guys have a nice day over there Okay, well, thank you so much. Theo. It was really nice meeting you. Thanks so much for your help. You bet. Take care. Have a good one All right. Take care. Okay. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye Um, so sweet. Yeah, that's gotta be tough when your mom's far away, huh? Yeah, especially if you want to go and it's like If you're still working and then it take that you got to get that extra time to go do that I'll say after like moving back in with my mom. I now I've done it twice right right after my dad died I had like a period where I was like, I can't believe I'm doing this and like I have a sister and she's fantastic But her career was she's an attorney and life was busy

But I like picked up and moved back home and I was just so resentful for so many reasons I was like mourning my the loss of my father but also like my mom's a young spirit like she can do stuff You know, it's not like I mean god bless like she didn't need physical help Um, but there were moments now looking back. I'm like, I can never get back back that time with my mom And so my husband and I literally gave up our apartment in New York and we've moved back in with my mom now And we're like taking over her house and all this and and Jeff my husband is like so into it and he loves it But I just like have so much fucking fun with my mom now Like she's just the best and I'm like it's the best decision. Most people are like you live with your fucking mom. I'm like, yeah

Yeah, I do and you rage and it's amazing. You know, like I'm like, I've never had more fun in my life I don't want to hang out with anybody my own age. She's 73 doesn't look a day over 40 and she's just sad She is unreal and it's the best I wonder if we had a show and it would be like you and like maybe you and your mom lit together And I'm like the brother that comes back and lives with you guys or something And then you think I'm gonna help but I don't help. Yeah, you just hang out in the basement do bitcoin play fifa Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah, uh-huh, and I end up dating one of your mom's friends from the country club. Yes Yes, yes, yes, and then like you you bring her home to your basement apartment. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. It's not far off

Yeah, I like this. Yeah, but Raleigh. Where do you fit in man? We don't we don't we still don't have a lady for you, man Uh-huh. Yeah, man. I mean I think uh, if uh, heather, you know helps out with uh, I got you. I think you I think you got me I got you. When's your birthday? July 14th. So what do you a cancer? Yep. Oh, we're gonna get along cancer and Pisces Okay, we're gonna get along I got you ladies if you're listening and you like it. No, it's a lot of sad men who listen to this And no offense guys. I got y'all's back fam. You feel me? Oh gang gang, baby There you go. Um, no, I'm joking. I'm sorry. No, no, no, but I know they're sad. I yeah, I know

I know they are I can feel the energies just reads really sad Um, and Riley's giving me a little I mean, you're giving me a little joy, but most of sadness You gotta really you gotta beat it out of them. You know what I'm saying? You do and I love that I mean, I listen to this podcast religiously So I live for when you you know, you just you give like the least but I can get the most from it So I just need you to know that even though you're doing the least I'm getting the most and that's What it's really all about Riley, so I got you. I will find you a woman with green eyes and maybe one leg Maybe two legs, you know, yeah, maybe three nipples. I don't know

But it's gonna get freaky, but I will make sure she's a woman of the lord. There you go. Yes. I got you Amen. I got you got us good all the time and all the time. God is good. Yeah, there you go. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Let's bring one more question from one of Heather's listeners and then I think we'll probably be good for the day Great because I've sweat through everything Hey, it's kind of cute. I think but That is not one of my listeners. It could be it could be. Okay. Let's see Hey, they'll hey Heather is brank coming from michigan And Heather I see you like to travel a lot

Have you ever had like a near-death experience? And if so where and how did that go? Let us know. Okay I love this the aggressive. What's up? It's a very michigan thing too. I think so. I mean just like what is what is life? Um near-death experience Uh, let's see. I mean, dude. Yeah, I almost died in baltimore. I don't know if you've been to baltimore I have it's basically the black mane and yeah, it gets a little it gets a little little crazy Like people people had warned me. I was there for a show and people had warned me. They're like just wait till You see somebody doing like the heroine Yes, and they're literally like zombies walking out and I played this club that was across from like one of the

Scary movies was it my goobies or no, was it? No, I need to quit interrupting. No, no, no, no, you're right Um, no, I think it was like oh shit. It was some I can't remember the the place I just remember we rolled in we couldn't find food anywhere Yeah, and we were saying like they were like there's one street in baltimore You can like stay in a hotel there so you can get a sandwich here. Everything was closed. This wasn't during covid This is in 2019. I remember seeing during regular times. Yeah, like the subway was closed like a subway sandwich I was like, I just need a fucking sandwich and then I came out and everyone's doing the heroine lean And then I never had a panic attack in my life

But for some reason like just the energy of baltimore I had a panic attack right before I went out on stage and I had to start the show and like work through it So I did have that moment where I was like, okay I I just did a show through a panic attack so I can do anything like anything that gets thrown at me I'm like, I got this. Yeah, and then when we got back out of the theater, it was more people doing the heroine lean I was like, we got to get the fuck out of baltimore I just I don't get it and people from baltimore got really upset. They're like our town's great. We've got crabs I'm like if that's the only thing you have crabs and spirit airlines like I don't know what

I just don't see the draw. I really don't crabs are just suv shrimp brother. They really are to be honest Really are it's just a shrimp and armored truck. That's all it is, bro I mean crabs are great, but It's not y'all, you know, it's happening underwater. You're not doing it. I'd like to see you do more above ground Yeah, I 100% at least dolphins come out. They come out of the water. They do a little yes. Hello pop pop in pop out Yeah, I would love to see a crab at least, you know, give me something. Give me something Yeah, but yeah, baltimore is a wild place, man There's I definitely I remember going there one time and there was uh people

Yeah, kind of heroin doubt up top, you know, just kind of wandering around and UFC had just come there for the first time It's people going insane. She had people that were fighting each other in the street And then you had heroin people just kind of like refereeing. There was a third world. I can't it's a third. It's a fifth It's it's yeah, it's yeah, it's like a two and a half world. I thought about getting into the UFC stuff I know you're a big UFC guy, but I have some of the female UFC Fighters that follow me and I just expected these women to like come up They came to one of my shows in Atlantic City and I just expected them to be like ripped and they were like half my size And I'm like, you're in the fucking octagon

Because like I feel like I'm built to fight. I'm a very like gentle person, but I'm just a very limber like I got a high kick I'm strong, you know, I feel like I would thrive in that environment, but I don't know. I know you're training I could see you. I've been doing some training. I like it. I really like it. My ribs got hurt I've fought in a lot of the women in class. Uh, I could see you doing it. Yeah. Yeah I could see any woman doing it. It definitely it's a confidence builder and it's not about as much the fighting when you're at the training It's just more about like learning how to like Women will definitely learn to defend themselves and how to like that's what I want to yeah a lot of that stuff You know break someone's nose if they come up behind me at a valet, you know, I just want to fuck some shit up

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's self-preservation. Yeah, you can do that. You'll be preserved after a couple of classes. I think Yeah, yeah, I really I really enjoy it. I think it's fun. Um, and a lot of the fighters are really nice people Um, do you only fight people in your weight class? You're supposed to I thought I had a kind of blind guy there. Look, it's really Um, I have a long way to go. Okay. They have put me against females and Most recently a blind gentleman. Yeah, albert. Oh sweet albert. Well, how'd it go? Uh, he's good. He's good Yeah, he's good, man. I think he used to do gift wrapping or something like a macy. So he fucking had me the best massage I've ever had in my life as a blind man

Yeah, and he was like, you know, they warned me but those guys they're like he'll change your life And you you can feel him feeling around the table and I'm like, hey, you lose one sense you get a new sense in your hands I mean, it was incredible. He knew the body like no one's business I was like, I really kind of only want blind masseuses from here on out. Yeah, you know Yeah, I think site eventually site will become a thing of the past. Um But just in general just yeah, I could see it phasing out. Yeah, I could yeah my hearing's going for sure. Yeah Who needs it? I mean, I think us having skin starts to feel really like Archaic almost like in the future

It seemed like we'll have some sort of a dip or something that people will be in Like a paraffin wax that you just go in and then that's all that's your new skin Something like doesn't it seem almost archaic that we're still wearing our old skin? It seems crazy that Women are still giving birth With their actual body. You know what I'm saying? Something starts to seem a little bit like Like you see somebody do it and you're like, oh, this is gonna become outdated. This seems almost Oh, I feel like an alien right now putting all this shit into my body and then I have to do the shots And it's like couldn't we have done this with like a grapefruit? Like there's a lab somewhere that could be growing this

Yeah, you know barbara straysam what she paid a bunch of money and like cloned her dog And I'm like, yeah, it was it was only like actually $20,000 and you think about it for like cloning an animal I'm like, yeah, let's why aren't we there yet? Right? Maybe we are. I don't know. They haven't called me They haven't told us. I didn't get the email, you know, it'll probably start, you know It'll start abroad first. I'm sure Because we have any too many regulations, you know here, you know, it's tougher to get things passed here We'd probably have a lot different stuff, you know, yeah, but well, I mean, you know, good old us of a Remains to be seen

Right, it remains to be seen a lot of things. Uh, Heather, man, thanks so much for coming in today. Thanks for having me Yeah, I appreciate it and people can check you out. Yeah, check me out on instagram. Yeah, and uh You can listen to my podcast the actually not podcast the absolutely not not podcast and we'll put links to all that right in the description And uh, yeah, thanks so much for your time and for coming in and for bringing your childhood friend in Hey, thanks for letting me sweat on your couch. This is a real magical afternoon. Yeah, we're gonna auction off that that cushion Actually, yeah, let's get weird with it for all your sad lonely male followers Riley's probably gonna keep that. I'm freaking. Oh, oh, it smells like testosterone Riley. Oh Riley, I actually feel like there's been a little sexual energy between us. I really do. I do

I mean, do you feel that way? Oh, yeah. Okay. Good. Good Riley is I mean All he has is sexual energy. Yeah, honestly radiates it Radiates sexual energy and I don't think you're living your truth So I think I'm gonna get you with a broad shoulder then ankle just big titty blonde girl Who loves the lord, you know, he's in the youth path. No, not youth. Sorry. No No, she's a youth group leader, but she is an adult. Look, let's be honest at some church And she could be as long as she's kind of like As long as she's a pastor and training a p.i.t. Or whatever pastor and pastoress. Yeah, whatever it is

You know, but I see it and I just ask one thing if I find you your wife Can I please officiate the wedding? Sure. Hell yeah. Okay, great. I love it. Look Who knows what can happen magic? It could be how magic starts Uh, Heather, thanks so much for coming in. Thanks for having me For me to set that parking brake and let myself on my Shine that light on me I'll sit and tell you my stories Shine on me

To me and I will find a song I will sing it just for you And now I've been moving way too fast on a runaway train with a heavy load of my past And these girls that I've been robbed know they want something that they're damn they're gone