This Past Weekend - E355 Howie Mandel

Episode Date: August 26, 2021

Howie Mandel is a comedian, actor and host of America's Got Talent. Theo talks with Howie about cartoon voices, reminisce about Theo's first job in Hollywood, and check out some auditions for TPW Fans Got Talent. New Merch: https://theovonstore.com​ New Tour Dates! https://theovon.com/tour Podcastville mugs and digital prints available now at https://theovon.pixels.com Music: “Shine” - Bishop Gunn https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3A_coTcUek Support our Sponsors: Mint Mobile: https://mintmobile.com/Theo  The Zebra: https://thezebra.com/theoFreshly: https://freshly.com/theo  Liquid Death: https://liquiddeath.com Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to [e-mail]. Hit the Hotline [phone] Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: http://bit.ly/TPW_VideoHotline Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCiEKV_MOhwZ7OEcgFyLKilw Producer: Nick Davis https://instagram.com/realnickdavisProducer: Sean Dugan https://instagram.com/SeanDuganSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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slash thio. That's thezebra.com slash thio. With the podcast, save yourself some coin, thezebra.com slash theo. Hey guys, I want to apologize for not having a solo episode this week. Just been dealing with some stuff and doing some work too. So just been a lot of different things on the plate at this moment. But I love you guys and I'm so fortunate to have today's guest in. This guy has been entertaining humans and animals even.

I mean, heck, the guy's been an animal and entertained humans as an animal. He's done it in animation, real life flesh and bone, verbal, audio, visual. This guy done it all, he's done it for decades now. You know him probably most recently from America's Got Talent. I know him at one point. He was my boss and I'm so grateful to have the hilarious, the timeless comedian Mr. Howie Mandel. Yeah, I just wonder, like, because I remember when I was a kid, sometimes if we did something

bad, then we would come downstairs. We would try to get my mom to let us watch TV. That was the big thing. And it was. You're not allowed to watch TV? As a kid, no, not if I was, if we were bad. That's what they held from your TV? Yeah.

Wow. Yeah, they held that TV and it was the main, you know, we had, I think, this TV was probably, it was a pretty tiny TV, maybe 14 inches, you know, it was one of those. Size doesn't matter. But you had to get, yeah, you had to get close to it, you know, you had to get real close. So, right. So anyway, we had to, we'd come down and like perform for my mom so that she would let

us. You have to dance for TV time. And that's, that's like, like, Von's Got Talent. Yeah, yeah, it was kind of like Von's Got Talent, you know, it was like the Von. And instead of a million dollars or a show in Vegas, you just get to watch a show on a 14 inch black and white TV. Yeah. And it was usually like, yeah, a lot of times it was, you know, Bob Saget show with that

full house or you would dance to watch full house. Yeah. And I look back on it. I think I should have just, you know, I should have danced for something better. Sometimes it was honestly the one with John Walsh, the missing P, you know, where the people go. Yeah. Because most wanted, right, which actually, actually ended up catching people.

Yeah. That TV show. Oh yeah. I still watch that. I like that. And I like cops. I liked all those. The mic's opening.

Sorry. It's okay. Was that somebody breathing? Yeah. Just Nick. So I just was going to try to give him a close up. Was that Nick? You breathing?

Yeah. I had the speaker way too loud in there. My voice is probably way too loud. No, it's not even your voice. I was starting, we were talking, no, but I was talking, then I heard heavy breathing and I thought, oh my God, your fan base for this podcast really enjoys. Like this is, I've been on a lot of podcasts, but I've never heard the enjoyment of the audience coming through.

You know, it's just like, thanks, Nick. They're separate audio tracks. Sometimes they remove it. Sometimes it's an extra layer. I don't know. Yeah. Oh, you don't know. You've been removed in post-production before it went out.

Yeah. So then I come off like an asshole talking about breathing that only I heard. But now I'm going to keep it in. Well, no, if you keep it out, then you can cut out this part too. But this is hilarious. Yeah. I think at this point, he doesn't, he got a free, he got a group on for a Lamaze course too that he's using is like kind of a, to meet women.

I love that. That's a great way to meet women. Yeah. And you're not seeing them at their, at their best. Have you ever been with a pregnant woman, Theo? I don't know. No. No, you would know.

You wouldn't know. Oh, then no. No, I haven't been with like somebody that's passed like probably a week or two. Oh, okay. I don't think anyway. Not in my lifetime. I have. But it was my wife.

Oh, okay. But I'm talking about like sex in the third trimester is kind of, oh my God. What you do is you don't want to hurt the baby, right, so you don't want to lie on top and you don't want her to lie on top of you. What we do is just butter the table and then lie her on the table and I just grab the ankles and then slide her back and forth. And that way there's no pressure on her abdomen or, you know, that's an emerald agasi method too.

I feel like, I feel like he, that has like a lot of pow. Yeah. Is that what he says? Bang. Bam. Right. I forgot. Thank you.

And as you turn on now, Nick, that's, there's a humming noise. That's the elevator. That's the elevator. Yeah. That's just a rent issue. It's just why we pay a low rent. Do the people at home hear the, hear that? There's a lot of background noises that I'm hearing and.

Like going on in here. The people, well, a lot of it is the part of the elevator. I don't mind is it's a lot of senior citizens going to get checked out. Is this a medical building we're in? Yes. Medical. Are you fucking kidding me? I'm not.

I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. What's the health-disease center? No. What kind of doctor are we right next to? That's a mental health. Lots of family important.

That's okay. Lots of, lots of dads coming alone and women coming with kids. And then they meet and go to meetings. Oh, mediators. Uh, yeah. The divorce. That's different than a medical building. There's divorce and there was pornography for a bit down the hall pornography down the

hall, we didn't, but somebody did with next Release. And he could almost have it. Um, but you could hear some some of you could hear, I couldn't tell if it was. like contractual arguments through the wall, or what it was, you know? But you could hear a bit of tussling, kind of. When I, I don't know that people know this, but I did, years ago, I did the movie Gremlins,

and I'm gizmo. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Gizmo, gizmo. That's gizmo. But, you know, I had to audition to get that, and I auditioned in a building in Burbank, not unlike this building here. And I didn't know that it was a medical building,

and the casting person had rented an office in the medical building. So I was going for the audition for Gremlins, and it wasn't just me to play gizmos, all that, all that. But as I went up the stairs, all I heard is a woman's voice going, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, that's all I heard.

And I thought, oh, she's gonna get the part. And then I, it was so as right next to an OBGYN, some gynecologist, and she was having a procedure. I assumed she was having a procedure. Maybe she wasn't, maybe she's just a complainer sitting in the waiting room, yelling, ow. Yeah. But, and then I got the part.

I went into the wrong office, I went into the gynecology. No, I did, but then they said, no, next door, because I was the only guy, I went, you're going, I can beat that. She's going, ow, and I'm going, took a McWay, ow, took a McWay. Did you, did you practice that voice before you went, or did you kind of just go on the fly?

No, I didn't practice. That's the only voice I do, you know, people, I think we talked about that before. I do, I was, it was part of my act. I was 11 years old, and I was at a birthday party, and I was choking on a piece of cake, and you know when it goes halfway down your throat, and then you can't dislodge it.

I think there was something in the, you know, when someone's half my baby. Help me, help me, help me, help me. And they were doing that, they were laughing. I'm saying, help me, and you're laughing. Everybody at the party was laughing, I'm going, I can't breathe, there's something halfway down my throat, please help me.

And they were laughing. Now that sounds like what I heard through the wall with the pornography group, actually that exact quote. Really? That exact? Help me. There's something halfway down my throat. And then I dislodged it, and,

but when I went home, my memory was the trauma of almost choking and dying, but more importantly, what stood over that was everybody at the party was looking at me and laughing at me, and I thought, oh my God, if I could just bring myself this close to death, each and every night, I could be an entertainer, I could be in show business.

I could, so I practiced without my, without cake. So, you know, you could do it. It's just like you take the nipple of a balloon, you know, when you blow up a balloon and you stretch a balloon, so that's not my voice, I'm not, I'm not talking, like, no, it's not doing that. If you close your throat, try it, that's all right.

This is a really bad ASMR. Yeah, wow. But it's good. The weird thing is, there's some Star Trek fan out there probably getting erect right now. So, now I did that voice, and that became part of my act, and then I did, I got a job on a show called Muppet Babies, and I'm Skeeter.

I'm Skeeter, I'm Skeeter. Oh, Skeeter. Skeeter is that. Yeah, Skeeter's kind of the ones, he's more, he's multi-gender, he's everything kind of. Oh, is pronoun? Oh, I think his pronouns is just everything, I'll go moss, you know,

it's like everything in Spanish, I think. Wasn't Skeeter to another gender, did he? I don't know. Yeah. So, that was the voice, I don't know. I don't know what I had. My pronoun is everybody. There you go.

Yeah, okay, so that was Skeeter, and then a couple years later I got Bobby's World, and I decided to use the Skeeter voice. So, I did this, since you're Skeeter, this is Bobby. And then years later, when I saw my gynecologist, I got Gizmo, and I did. So, they're all the same, a whole array of voices. I did other voices on Muppet Babies.

I was also Bunsen Honeydew. Oh, I don't remember that, will you bring up Bunsen, please? Bunsen Honeydew, if you don't listen to me, I'll make your sister disappear. Damn. It was that, and I was an animal. Go, bye, bye.

Oh, that's cool, bro. Go, bye, bye. And then I was busy, and I was on the road, and then who took over for me on that? I think it was Dave Coulier. You guys almost look the same now. It does look like me. I didn't realize that.

Bunsen Honeydew looks exactly like me. Oh, shit. You've had it so fucking great. I never, you might have to rebirth, you might tell me. I gotta do. Oh my God, it's me. Look at me. How did it, it saw the future.

The puppet is designed, you gotta see Bunsen Honeydew. They could see this, they're watching this on YouTube, right? Art imitates life, man, that's the facts. Oh my God, I didn't know. Holy, it's like my new headshot. There you are, yeah. That is gonna be my new headshot. Rich is in there, Rich, it works with me.

We gotta just give out Bunsen Honeydew pictures. I love that. Oh my God, look at all of them. What are you getting, what is all that? And there's merchandise. Oh, let's Google them, just look where you went to the beach so you can see them tanned up a little bit there. And some of those, yeah, look at them.

Oh my God, I was a good looking, I had no idea that I was voicing my own future. And it's off to me. Oh yeah. Well, I think that's not baby Bunsen. Was there a baby Bunsen? It's Muppet, go Muppet babies Bunsen Honeydew. That's the regular Bunsen Honeydew.

I was a Muppet babe, there I am. Oh, shit. Even more, even more like me. And there he is with an eight ball too, and that was obviously, and look at the glasses. I have my own eight ball. You go through a tough time, bro. You know, we talked about it before we went on the air,

mental health, I've been dealing with it from the beginning. And look, there's mentioning, there's my new glass line. I had, he was, you know, I got into the glasses business. Did you eyeless? Just people going totally eyeless now? Well, that's why he needs glasses, he has no eyes. He only uses those for, I've never seen somebody wear glasses without actual eyeballs.

Until you, bro, as a baby. That's me. That's who you were. Well, because I didn't want to be called four eyes, I wanted to be called no eyes. No eyes, I like that. Yeah, but this is, I started also predicting the future. So I'm doing that character, I had no idea

that one day I would shave my head. There is one hair on there, isn't there, at the top. Is there one hair? There seems to be like a little, do you see that? Yeah, if you pull that, it undoes my belly button. Yes, and then I didn't know I'd have my own line of glasses. I had my own line of glasses. Have you so fun if you pull that?

And your belly button just came on top? Haven't you ever done that? Have you ever cleaned the lint? Like there's, I get a lot of lint in my belly button and sometimes when I start pulling the lint out, I unravel my underpants. That's insane, man. What?

You've never done that? No, I never had, I mean, I've had, what happens to me is I'll wear like a blue socks and then I'll just, my whole foot will be blue for, I thought you were going, I thought I wear blue socks and then my belly button's filled with all this blue lint and I was thinking, how does that even, Oh, no, I didn't even help your joke.

I should have moved. No, you're not helping a joke. I'm just, I was, I was, I thought it was going a different place than it was going. But yeah, sometimes with a blue sock, you have blue lint. Yeah. And it gets all in between my toes and somehow I'll wear like a sweater or something.

And then my belly button looks like it has like a kind of an art project going on. It's amazing with like the amount of stuff that, why can't I speak for you, but for myself, the amount of carry on that I can bring on any flight, which is my belly button. It's not even a joke. There's just been so,

and then this is the other thing. I'm a little bit of a hoarder. So like I'll pick it out and I don't throw it away. So my side table beside my bed is filled with about three years worth of stuff that I picked out of my belly button. Oh, you're halfway to a mitten, dude. You should do a mitten.

You should do like a locks for lust kind of, but make it like a, make something, you know, somebody who has cold hands or something. It's like one of, you know, Howie Mandel's lint button mittens, you know? I love that idea. It's pretty. It is a good idea.

And you just come up with this, like with off the top of your head. Yeah, I almost wish that I hadn't told you that idea. You know, I had a weird dream last night when I was going to be on. I did, I had a dream last night that I was attacked. I don't know what I was attacked by three different hamsters, gerbils and guinea pigs.

Oh, dude. Well, and that's definitely, that's a warning sign right there. And then I sent those through my subconscious. Cause when I think of you, I went to bed thinking, okay, tomorrow I'm going to be on Theo's show. And that's the last memory I have before I fell asleep. And then.

That ground game, baby, that small ground game. You know, a lot of that market went to Russia. Do you know that? Oh, the hamster. A lot of hamster, gerbils, G pigs. Will you look them up? Maybe Nick, the Roborovskis. The Roborovskis, it's a family business.

I mean, look, I don't know if it is or not. It became a family business, the hamster business. But the Roborovskis, a lot of that market. Russian dwarf hamsters. Oh, when I was young, they were straight American men. I mean, you got them right here. How do you know the difference between a Russian hamster and an American hamster?

A lot of it's in the wit, the, I don't want to say the thigh gap, but it's like the wit of their legs, how far apart they are from the shot. How far apart their legs are? Yeah. So do Russian hamsters have bigger nuts? I wouldn't say bigger nut.

Actually, maybe that's why they have that extra space there. Well, do you mean the legs are just further apart, but nothing is filling it more? It's just more space? The legs are a little bit further apart. Now, if you get those Roborovskis or those white, a lot of the dwarf hamster businesses come out of Russia. They're over there in basements.

They're dark art and brother. They're doing it all, you know, I'm surprised. That's a Syrian. That's a Syrian hamster. Oh, it is? No, the left is an American hamster. The right is a Roborovsky, Russian hamster. See, the Roborovsky's putting his hands together.

He's plotting, you see how they're doing, howie? You know, it's weird that you're showing me these things and I'm really into it, but you talk about them like, like if I go to a jeweler and I want to buy like a stone or a diamond for my... No, this is the Roborovsky crystal. And it's got an incline cut and it's got a clarity of six. You talk about hamsters in the same way

a jeweler talks about diamonds. Oh, these are gems, baby. These are... So are they shipping these here illegally? I wouldn't say illegally. I don't think that. I mean, I don't know what they were doing at the time, but when I was young, it was all American hamsters.

You picked up a hamster, you could hear Leonard Skinner, you know, or you could hear Barbra Streisand. But now... Streisand? You could hear, yeah. Barbra Streisand? Yeah. Not Barbra Streisand.

You could hear both of them if you wanted. Or is Barbra Streisand a place where you went to go buy Roborovskys? Oh, at the Barbra Streisand? At the Barbra Streisand. There you go, yes. People who need Roborovsky are the luckiest people in the world.

You know, it's great. I love that you come up with something and then your producer, Nick, has to, like with not even a smile, just a serious look is searching the web for the Roborovsky Dwarf Hamster breeding. Look at him. I mean...

But it seems like it's the Dwarf Hamsters, Roborovskys, they're from Russia. It seems to be like a dark arts, like there seems to be something evil. Sinister. Right? And if you look at him, man, I remember when I was young,

there was a, the smaller hamsters, the stores were selling, they were fuller. They had a little bit more life in them. You looked like maybe after school, after the day at the pet shop, they went home to loving families. You know, they had dinner at a small table. When you look at these Roborovskys, man,

it looked like they're doing cigarettes. They're, you know, they're sleeping on stat. You know, sleeping all on, you know, a lot of groups in one bed. This is horribly sad. We should get, is there somebody like Sarah McLaughlin that can sing a song about the Russian hamsters? In the small arms of the angels.

And you have all these Russian hamsters just looking really sad. You should put together a video. That wouldn't be a bad idea. It would. For a dollar a day, you can... Less than that. How much does it cost to feed a hamster a day?

What do hamsters eat? I bet a dime. A lot of them usually eat like a mix. They'll eat like a, I'm gonna bring it up, Nick. Do you have one? Everything I asked, Nick has the answer to. Yeah, bring up that ham food mix, daddy. Do you own a hamster now?

I don't have any right now, man. The last thing I had was two big G-pigs, baby. What is the difference between a guinea pig and a hamster? The difference between a guinea pig and a hamster, most of all, the size. Between their legs? No, I think overall. Oh, that's the Russian versus the Americans.

Yeah, that's Russian versus American. It's definitely, it's a kind of a, you got a hardier kind of a, what is it called, the bottom of a car? Chassis? Yeah. You got a wider chassis on there. Is that what they're referred to in the hamster world

or the G-world or the, what's the gerbil? Yeah, gerbil or gerbil, some people call them. Daddy. Isn't gerbil a Nazi? Wasn't he one of them? Yeah, gerbil, general gerbil was a Nazi. You're asking, I think he was. He was, well, I don't think.

Look him up. Yeah. Look up gerbil, Lieutenant Gerbil, Nazi, gerbil, Nazi. Gerbil, there he is. There he is. Oh, that's him. Gerbil, Joseph Gerbil. He was a Nazi.

Oh, damn, there he was. Yeah, yeah. No, it's a famous, you don't, that's why I've never been able to be comfortable around gerbils. Oh, really? I can see that. That's a little furry, adorable Nazi.

And I didn't want him in my house. If they walk it like this, I'm sure it's a little dicey. Right. And every time I opened the oven, they would get excited. Oh, yeah. I want to start clapping. Yeah. So I had to, is that bad?

I don't know how many of this. Is that cancel? Look, that's, no, that's factual. That's factual. I think that's okay. That is factual. That's factual. We must never forget.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Okay. That's, we must never forget, F-U-R should be a pet shop. I love that. Wow, Heil Hamster. It's for kosher pets.

Well, I don't know, the gerbil is the kosher pet. What is he known for? I can't read it from here. What is he known for? He was a politician. He was one of Hitler's closest confidants. He was a minister of propaganda. Oh, he's a secret keeper.

Yes, he was the minister of propaganda. And he was chancellor for one day of Germany. Ooh, chancellor for a day. That sounds like a bad game show. Yeah. Chancellor for a day. You will play and you will like it. Wow.

What is a game show? Honestly, Hollywood? Honestly, how he would, when you look back, what is a game show or even a pilot that you did where you were like, you know, I don't know if that one, if we had it fully baked that one, you know? Oh, that's like every two weeks.

But I come up with something, but I've done some really, really bad shitty shows. Have you? Oh, horrible. Horrible. I'm always doing shitty shows. In fact, up until the few hits that I've had recently, I think I was more known for the shit

than I was for the good. Really? Yeah, I did really bad movies in the 80s. That was my thing. That was my niche. That was my, you know, yeah. I didn't intend on them being, oh, now you're gonna put it up my whole,

look at any of these names of, okay, go up first. Let's start earlier. Okay. Okay, no, where did I come from? Oh, that's not good. But you got Gremlins early, that's 1984. So that's, people love that. Yeah, there's the Muppet Babies.

Go earlier, earlier, earlier, earlier. Saying elsewhere, that was huge. Okay, these are pilots that didn't work. I know, but those are the good things, but a lot of these things didn't work. I was on a good grief on, on Fox. People were having a tough time. I was the owner of a, what's it called?

A funeral home. Ooh. I was the owner of a funeral home and it was 10 episodes. There I am. Look at me. Had a good cast, but that was the worst show. Was it?

I think it was and it wasn't fun and I didn't have a good time and it kind of stopped my career for a long time. Good grief, huh? Yeah, there you go. Really, really? No, I was at the end of my, you know, what year was that?

That was probably 1990, right? Yeah, 1990. 1990 and then that was the beginning of the drop for me. My career just went into the fucking toilet. I remember you and Rich telling me at a time that you had thought about kind of hanging it up for a while. No, I was over. In 2005, I was done.

You know, I had been, I kind of, I was on St. Elsewhere and I'd done Young Comedian specials and then around 2004, I wasn't selling hard tickets anymore. I was playing comedy clubs half full and all over the country, which is, you know, a grind. It's a grind if they're full, but it's even more of a grind

when really nobody's showing up to see you. And I was reading for parts. I was sitting in casting offices, reading for five lines and under and I, you know. Did you feel embarrassed or dejected at all or not? I mean, were you able to manage like, cause that's what I would, you know, Hollywood has so much of like a...

It started weighing really hard on me. You know, it's really weird. Hollywood is just fuck shop. All, you know, it's not a healthy place for the mind. It really is not. Even, and as well, this is gonna sound like a, like I'm a near, you know, like I don't give a shit. Not to our audience, it won't.

It won't? No. No, but even if you're doing well and probably, you know, from the outside, the better people think you're doing, the harder it becomes mentally. Because like, for example, I'll give you my example, you know, like the, I did a series,

I was on a series for six years with Denzel Washington. St. Elizabeth. I was selling out, you know, at the time, you know, I would do two shows at the Woodlands in Houston and it would be like 10,000 people would show. And then 2005, you know, they'd say we have, you know, 26 people are at ha ha's tonight, you know. And then I would do my set and then I'd come in

and I'd be sitting in a casting office, you know. Six years ago, I was on a series, I was on network TV. Every break, I was doing a movie for every major studio and all the same offers that, you know, people like Tom Hanks and Robin Williams were getting at the time, you know. But I didn't. You were in that world.

And at that time, you know, when Tom Hanks was doing bachelor party and stuff, I was doing, you know, walk like a man and little monsters and a fine mess and but 2005, I was doing shit. And then I said, I'm going to quit. And I got an offer to do a game show deal or no deal, which I thought was the worst fucking idea

anybody could ever have. First of all, if you think about that, you know, when it was pitched to me, I don't know that people remember before 2005, there weren't a lot. There weren't any comedians doing talk shows. I mean, doing game shows. The game show was the joke.

You would act like a game show host on stage if you were doing a parody of something goofy. Nobody wanted to be the game show host. The last comedian that did a game show host before that was Groucho Marx, who did You Bet Your Life, which Jay Leno is recreating now, and it's going to be in syndication. But before that, no.

So when I got asked, I thought that's the nail in the fucking coffin of my career. And I said, okay. And then they said, they showed me what the show was. And it was just an hour of opening up cases. Just opening up fucking. Unboxing, it was the original unboxing, really. That's what it was, it was the original unboxing.

And then that thing went through the roof and kind of gave me a career back. But what I was saying about the mental health is that the more I do, I'm on AGT now, which is the number one show of the summer, and I'm on a lot, I can't tell you that a week doesn't go by where I have an idea for something and they say no, or they're not putting it on,

or they go, we like that idea, but we'd like to use someone else. And your mind just goes to weird play. And it's not only about being accepted, but if you've got that kind of weakness inside you, getting constantly, you know. Yeah, some form of rejection or that we don't want you. Yeah, you're not the right thing.

Cause I think it goes back to the things in the beginning, somewhere in our lives or in our souls that were like, that made us want to be attracted attention to ourselves anyway. Well, you just, you brought it up at right at the beginning. You know, if you wanted to dance for your mom so you could watch TV, you learn that being good

or funny or getting, being the center of attention got you something, whether it got you notoriety or the opportunity to watch TV or to do the things you like. You realize that that, that became your self worth. And when your self worth is externally in your mind, the things that you do and who you think you are or who you think other people think you are, then you're, you're at the mercy of everybody

outside of you instead of yourself. Does that make sense? Yeah, man. I mean, if you want to be happy people, you just got to make yourself happy. You can't make anybody else, nobody can make you happy. Nothing externally, no amount of money, nothing you could do, you got to make yourself happy.

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at mintmobile.com slash Theo. Yeah, man, sometimes it's weird, man. Yeah, I can totally, that's, like, yeah, my whole life it's like, it all somehow depends on what other people think. And I think it's just from some programming, probably. You know, when I was a kid. But that's all of us.

You know, every piece of media you do, every piece of, you know, wherever you, you know, you want to be the funniest guy. You want to be the most interesting person. If you're a young person, you're reading magazines. You want to dress like that. You want to look like that. You're looking at other people's style.

You figure I got to get myself fixed up just to walk outside because when you walk into a room, you're self-conscious about how people are seeing you and what they think of you. And it really doesn't matter. Right. But those are just words, because to me it matters.

You know, I'm on your podcast because it matters. Because, you know, I could be at home, but I want to be here. I want to be here. But I also deep inside of you, and that's why you're here today, you need acceptance of people you don't even know and may never even meet.

And that's a weird fucking thing. Like I'm talking to you and who's ever taking this in. I need you to love me. I don't know who the fuck you are. And you don't, I'll never see you and you'll never see me in person. But please, please, fucking love me. Just so I can get through this shit.

I know. And it's been hard. This has been a really tough, people joke around because they know me as a germaphobe and they go, you called it and I say, you know, Howie in Latin means told ya. But the thing is that this has been a really fucked up, hard and continues to be time for us all.

You know, and for me, I've just been struggling. I am so fucking medicated right now. Really? Oh yeah, right now. And I can't sleep without my gummies. You know, I take a lot of gummies to fall asleep. Those are, now you're doing the THC, what do you do in the melatonins?

THC. Oh yeah. Yeah. Do you do that? I don't do it, but. No, I know. God, I would let you spit. Don't judge me.

Oh, I'd let you spit in my mouth to get a hit of it. You know what I'm saying? Like I would definitely do it if I needed a quick nap or something. But yeah, so is it your first time getting into those? Has that been a good experience? Well, I didn't, you know, when I was a kid, I was a smoke. I didn't, gummies are kind of new to me.

But they came, I started doing gummies during the pandemic. Just to sleep. And it's just, and then, you know, I haven't been on the road like you. And I've been afraid to be out in public in front of people. I started working where you, at Supernova, just because it was outside.

Yeah, and it's in a circle. You can kind of stay safe from everybody. Right, but it's outside. It doesn't. Oh, that's a good point. You know, but it, you know, I got uncomfortable with going into a club or a building where everybody's just facing you and going, ha, ha, ha.

And then, so to combat them, I was writing tragedy instead of comedy so nobody would go, ha, ha, ha. I want to do things that make people even just stop breathing and looking in my direction. So that's what I've been doing. One time, a guy laughed so hard at one of my shows, he came out of the closet, dude, which was insane.

He was. You laughed a guy to Gaines? I laughed, he's like, ha, ha, ha, ha, I'm gay. And his friends are like, what? What's going on, Charles? Have another beer, dude. You know, it was pretty crazy. That's funny, that's funny.

People used to talk, when I started in the business, they would go, I killed, you know, like you killed the audience or, you know, they were dying laughing. But you're, you just get them to a level where they're just coming out of the closet. Basically, yeah, yeah. What is the-

That's the new thing, I think, if you can get somebody to just admit who they really are right there on the spot, you know. Wow, you're changing pronouns. I mean, we are, yeah. That's amazing. They come in as them and they leave as us. Yeah, yeah, I wonder if they,

wouldn't that be a good game show, a pronoun game show, maybe, where somebody wins a, maybe a pronoun they've always wanted. I don't know, I'm trying to marry like somebody who has a sexual choice or wants a certain pronoun or wants to be recognized or seen a certain way. I'm trying to marry that with some type of competition,

you know, I wonder if that would be one day. Wow, I love that. It's they against them. I know my guy is saying that Rich is standing in the back. He goes, don't get into this discussion. Okay, we will. No, no, no, I'm okay. Did I say anything that will get me canceled?

Not yet. Yeah, not yet. I don't think I'd be canceled. My heart is always in the right place. I don't think I can say anything to get me canceled. I'm really, I'm accepting of everyone. I respect everyone. I really do.

That's true. I really do. You've always been like that. And there's nothing that's, I don't think anything is odd. I think every person is so, is such an individual that can't be replicated in whatever their desires are and their needs are

and their wants are and who they like and what they look at is no different than anybody who has been born maybe not as the world sees them from the outside. Does that make sense? Yeah, so I don't think I could say, I'm just trying to not be confused now. And I don't wanna,

and the fear is I don't wanna offend somebody. Yeah. So I always, I'll just, whoever I walk up to, I called my grandmother the other day and I go, how are they? She said, who? And I went, them. Who is this?

I said, it's us. Who's on first, man? That's a great dude. That'd be so good. A new pronoun version of who's on first. I love that. Maybe. It's one show and then canceled.

Yeah. That's what it is. It was a pilot program that we came up with, but. Who's on first? They are. Who? But I always have to watch myself. I don't wanna offend.

I say, I'm talking to people. I know. America's got talent. I can't imagine that. And it's, I'm so conscious of, not wanting to offend anybody. Not wanting, and I do respect, but who they are. So we took a course at NBC called a,

what did I take? And now I forget what the name of the course is. It was called a sensitivity course. Oh yeah. Yeah. They brought me in for a sensitivity course. With the electrocution thing or no? I thought they were gonna just tickle me in places.

That I've never been tickled before. I'm taking a sensitivity. No, and they talked about how it is perceived when you say things that maybe are not, even it's not about intent. It's about perception. Does that make sense? Yeah.

Perception is hard to gauge sometimes until you know, until you get some sort of reaction. Most people usually, if you say something and it's a one-on-one instance, then you can tell if somebody didn't perceive it good. And then why, honestly, why do you hate the Jews? I mean, I wouldn't. That's just my perception.

Yeah. That's not, I know that wasn't your intent. Okay, yeah. I mean, look, there's definitely a couple that ruffle some feathers, but I would not say, I would not leave that as an overall statement. Okay. All right.

And it's good that we cleared that up and everything is moving smoother. Is that something that you're gonna cut out, Nick? When I say to him, he doesn't hate Jews. No. No, it's not the Jews. No. It's the, no, let's just.

Yeah, let's just leave it there. I mean, yes, I definitely have had a landlord before that's a little dicey, okay? I will be honest with you. Is landlord your name for Jew? Sorry, land them. Land them. Okay, whatever.

Land them. Whatever they used to be. I did have a, I had a good Jewish joke one time and I wanted to try, but sometimes I get it. I'll be the judge of that. Okay. Whether it's a good Jewish joke. Okay.

You're ready for a good Jewish joke. Oh, you'll love this guy. Oh man, that guy's so nice. He'll sell you the shirt off his back. Is that good? Is that it? That's it. That's a Jewish joke.

For, he'll sell you that guy. Instead of he'll give you the shirt off his back. Oh, I didn't even get it. You know why? Cause it was too inside for me. I said, what's the joke? That's something I would do. I didn't get it because I'm Jewish,

but all your non-Jewish listeners and viewers will get it. And then the joke's on the Jew here. So what's wrong with selling the shirt off my back? That's, that's what I do. That's what I, that's not a joke. That's just a part of my life. What's the joke? But now I get the perception is that some people give it.

Right. But why would you ever give somebody the shirt off your back? I agree. When you can sell it and walk away with a couple of extra bucks, right? Now it's a game show suddenly. You can walk away with a couple of extra bucks, man.

I love that. I don't want the shirt off, you know. Plus I bet you I could sell this shirt on your show. Oh, dude. People are watching. Somebody would buy it. I will sell you. Is that my camera right there?

That one. That one's my camera. I will sell you the shirt off my back. Now all they have to do is write in. Yeah, I think they write in. Yeah. I don't have like you. I don't have merch.

We still get a lot of mail. Really? No, I'm just going to sell whatever I'm wearing. Oh, the shirt off your back. Yeah. And then with that money, I could buy a new shirt. Merch is just whatever I'm wearing, whatever I have. You sell a lot of merch, right?

We sell a decent amount. We don't get overboard. Like some places do a lot of merch, you know? No merch here. We do pretty well. No merch. What was a unique piece of merch that you sold when you used to do a lot of touring

when you were coming up? Because I sold some really things that I could. Yeah, I would sell basically whatever I had. I remember buying another guy's t-shirts one time. It didn't have anything to do with jokes that I had. He was quitting. So I just bought all his shirts. What was the joke on it?

It was like about, it was pretty profane. It was like about, it was something about hot pockets or something. Right. And it had. And you sold at the Theo Von concerts, the Dave, Dave Smith's hot pocket t-shirts. Yeah, it didn't say Dave Smith, but it had the hot pocket.

It had something about hot pockets on it. It was like a lot of euphemisms, a lot of like seedy euphemisms you would hear probably in like a bag now. Right now, the only thing I'm selling is my glasses. Really? I'm not selling them. This is at Sea Eyewear.

Part of a collaboration with Seth Rogen, the hilarity for charity. If you buy my glasses, some of it goes to that, which is for Alzheimer's. So that's the end of my merch. I also want to sell, I should, oh, there you are. There's my partners, Sea Eyewear. Oh yeah, I heard about them.

I don't wear glasses yet, man, but I would be willing to wear glasses. You'd be willing to wear glasses? Oh yeah. Wow. I feel like it would help you focus. Was there anything you ever sold that was like, because a lot of comedies when you're first coming up,

you're trying to, you know, guys will burn CDs in their hotel room and then take them in a stack on the spindle to the shows and sell them. So you know what I did? One time when I was on tour, I took t-shirts out and all I had on the t-shirt was my wife wanted to add an addition onto our house. There was another room that she wanted to add

like a playroom or whatever. And she got the, you know, she had somebody drop the plans and give us an estimate. So I took the plans and the estimate and that's what I printed on the t-shirt and I sold those shirts until I had enough money to build that room and pay that contractor. And I did and I still have that t-shirt.

I should send the picture of you so you can post it on here. I have a picture of that on the wall and it's just the plans for the room and the estimated costs and everything. And as soon as I hit that button, it's our t-shirt room. Oh, I love that. Yeah. So I did that.

I would, my wife, we once set up, you know, there were all those stands on Venice Beach. One time, did it before, when I had a lot of time on my hands, I set up a stand that were just pickles and socks. Oh, really? Just to see people walk by. And I did, it's not even a good prank, it's nothing.

I just thought it was hysterical alone. You know, I've always said, if I could just make one person laugh, I'm doing my job. It just seems that most of the time that one person is just me, but it's one. And I've done my job and hit my goal. And I used to sit on Venice Beach at a table because there'd be artists selling their art

and people selling snacks. There would be people selling readings, tarot card readings and things like that. And then I would have like a jar of pickles and a little stack of socks. Ooh, I like that. And they'd go, and people would walk over and they'd go, what is this?

Yeah. And I'd go, well, this is pickles and this is socks. And you could buy them separately or together. Really, it's up to you. I'm not gonna push that on people. They can make their own decisions. So that's the merch. And I still have access to pickles and socks

if anybody is in the market. I could go for some, I think. I didn't even eat breakfast yet, but. How many cans of liquid death have you finished? Not enough to fricking, not enough to do what they say they'll do, dude, which is take you to the grave, baby. You know? But that's not a sponsor?

It is a sponsor. Liquid death? Yeah, and they're good, man. It's good, clean water. It's from, I wanna say, maybe Aspen or Boise. Aspen or Boise. Wow, they don't really don't care about the read on your show as far as.

I do a podcast, so I'm just getting into it. I'm doing a podcast with my daughter. You gotta come on. Oh, yeah. How come on? You definitely come on. So we do, me and my daughter, I was freaking out during the lockdowns,

and I didn't know what to do. So I would spend hours on the phone with my daughter just fucking around doing prank calls to friends and celebrities and challenges and things like that. And my wife once walked in and said, what are you doing? And I told her, she goes, who's it for? And I go, it's for us.

And she said, record it. So that became our podcast. So if you come on my podcast, we'll do prank calls and fuck with people. Do you like prank calls? I know we did deal with it. We did deal with it. Yeah, I like prank shows.

I was so nervous doing deal with it, but I definitely got the hang of it. Oh, I was at a show one time, and some lady in the crowd starts yelling. She's like, I threw the wedding ring, I threw the wedding ring. And I don't know what she's talking about. I'm thinking like, oh, we gotta get there.

We gotta get this lady out of here. She's like, I threw the wedding ring. And I'm like, at first I think she's talking to some man. She's with her, something like, I have no idea what's going on. So they start literally escorting this lady out the back. And right by the door, she yells out, Howie Mandel. And then it clicked in my head.

And I was like, oh my gosh, that's where we pranked the wife that her husband was cheating. She threw that wedding ring. They were just, they had just got married and for those that don't know, you hosted the show on TVS called Deal With It. And it was Howie's show.

And it was, I was a producer on it. And the thing about it was we would, you would whisper things, you or a celebrity guest also, would whisper things in people's ear. And they had to do, they were challenged to do these for money levels. So the guy came in, he was sitting there with his wife. And you could, you or somebody else came up with the idea

of telling his wife that, I don't know, I don't think it was cheating, meeting somebody. Yes, we're meeting somebody here and we sent in a accomplice. It was like a female or something. And that's when the lady lost it. And she's like, I'm through with this. Yeah, we sent in the lady.

I don't remember what the joke was. Cause the guy had cheated before, I think. The guy had bad infidelities. And now when this person stood up at the table, I think immediately it went to that place. She takes off her wedding ring and threw her ring away in the, and we're going, no, it's a joke. I remember it with Marlon Waynes was there too.

Yeah. It was Marlon Waynes was doing the jokes with you. That is funny. And she showed up at one of your shows screaming. Yeah, I did. Did you let her back in or you threw her out? We let her, we let her stay in. But I just had no, like it was just this,

like the strangest little piece of like thing to say that would, that I knew what was going on. You know, I threw the ring, you know, I threw the wedding ring. I love pranks. We did a prank. Oh, that's not him. No, that's, well, we will not.

We will not. Don't bring that up. Now we're canceled, bro. Nick is canceled. We didn't do it. Unbelievable. Thank God he got us out of this. Oh, we had been skirt in the edge the whole time.

And Nick came through in the clutch. Oh, Marlon Waynes, man. He looks different than I remember him, Nick. Nick. Unbelievable. But I was going to say on the podcast, we did a prank call the other day and somebody was getting really mad, really mad and rich.

Like my Nick goes, reveal, reveal, reveal. Tell him it's a joke. Tell him it's you. So I phone back and I go, hey, buddy. He goes, yeah, can I help you? I phone him back like the 10th time. He goes, I go, it's Howie Mandel. It's Howie Mandel.

And this is a joke. He goes, okay, Howie Mandel, can I help you? I go, no, I'm just telling you that that was a prank. He goes, so you don't need any plumbing equipment or anything. I go, no, I'm just, go fuck yourself. That was my reveal.

It wasn't good for the ego, but it was such a fail for me and my podcast. But I did one the other day. I talked to, we did one with Bobby Lee. Oh, yeah. This was also a bad one. Rich was mad at me for this, where we called a guy, I know a guy

that was dating a girl, finished dating the girl and the girl was pregnant and he did not know whether the baby was his or the next guy she was dating. And we found out it was the next guy she was dating, but I knew that he didn't know yet. So we had Bobby Lee call as a doctor from a clinic. Yeah, a very shady clinic, I'm sure. And with her father, I played her father telling him

that the baby, the DNA test came back, the baby is his. And I, as the father of the mother, I'm gonna talk to him about his intentions and put together some wedding arrangements. And he just started crying. And I hung up before the reveal. That's why you were mad at me. I never.

So you guys just ruined somebody's day for real? Yeah, I was terrified, like crazy. And then he gets the peak of everything and how he goes, I'm sorry, he hangs up. I go, we'll call him back, let him know. He goes, no, we're not calling him back. No, because the last time I called back on that other prank, it was that plumber.

It was the plumber guy who goes, I don't give a fuck you're Howie Mandel. I'm not going through that again. We just been talking about mental health and our ego. I'm not gonna lay it on my ego again. It's not worth it. I think you let God and that man figure it out. You know, I really think you do, man.

That was a right choice. I know that was the right choice. We have, Howie, we got some people send in different talents. All right, that's it. If it's okay, we wanna see a couple of them. What you think these are this past weekend listeners that are fans of you?

What do you look for in the beginning? When people are, is there any energy thing that people can do when they're introducing themselves to you guys? Well, I think that, you know, ultimately you wanna, no, the answer is no. Because one of my favorite things that happened on the show, there was a young singer, Courtney Hadwin,

who, you gotta see this girl. If you pull her up, Courtney Hadwin audition. And there's this girl. I'm gonna show you this. She was 13 at the time. And they said to her, she was coming up next. And they said, no, we're gonna bring out an act before her because she's almost sick, you know, from nerves.

She's 13 years old. She's from the UK. She's so shy. Then at that time they said, Mel B, you could talk to her. The first one, the audition. Watch this girl. She can't talk.

I like to be surprised. Watch this. Hi, my lovely. Hi. Welcome to America's Got Talent. Oh. How are ya? They look a bit nervous. She's a lot nervous.

She got sick before the show. You'll see understandable. What's your name? Courtney. And how old are you? 13. 13. Oh, watch.

And what's your favorite subject in school? Music. What kind of music? To know. You're gonna, your socks are gonna be knocked off. You're gonna be singing for us? And all you have left is a pickle. Watch this.

Don't be nervous. I know this is a big stage and there's lots of people here. But you're here for a reason. So go for it and good luck. Thank you. Watch this. This is what I like. I like when I see things I'm not expecting.

She's gotta be so nervous. I'm nervous for her. That's her dad. Hopefully it's her dad. Yeah, I think so, it's you, it's all you, it's all you. I bet you you think you can do that. Wow. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Dang. Like Chris Robinson from the Black Rose kind of. Yeah. That's amazing. Oh, yeah.

So that's a surprise. So when you say, you know, what do you look for when it starts? You know, I don't know. It becomes part of the whole package as far as like just to see somebody who's that shy and just becomes a totally different person when they do it. And I'm sensing that that's going to happen right here with the Theo Von crowd. It's good. It's certainly good.

Let's see. Henry. He'll be bow staffing. He'll be bow staffing? Yeah. You hope it brings a family honor. Yeah. And they look rich.

You look at that. Look at the legs on that side table. You always know if your son's in the. Oh, wow. Whoa. Oh, my God. Dude, I have a broken AC unit at home right now. Get this dude in the heartbeat.

Where do you learn to do that? That's amazing. Look at that. I don't even know what that is a bow staff. It's like a giant like what do you call the Twirleys? Baton. Baton. Yeah, basically.

Whoa. Wow. They got to be so honored. Oh, I felt honored at the end, man. I don't understand. You keep this guy. What do you think? When this guy gets out there and does it, does he need to add an element?

What could Henry do here, you think? I think that was good. And I think I'd move him on to the next round. He needs to, you know, that was a good audition. But you hope that the ramp up, like the next time you see it, maybe he has two, I don't even know what that is, two sticks. Bow staffs. Two bow staffs.

He's fully staffed. Above bow staff. You hope that he has the next. More staffs. Oh, he'll be a staff infection next time. Oh, my God. Can you get a bow staff infection? I'm sure he can do.

You saw it at the end. It kind of hit his leg. I'm sure. Oh, wow. Can you imagine the guy shows up next time he can't even move his neck or arms? Because he was just trying. It's your fault. It's your podcast.

Just infected. Wow. Is that the only piece of talent you have on this show? We have a couple more for you, man. Let's have a couple more. That was really, his family should be so honored. Oh, I feel honored. Does he think he's, like, that sounded like,

remember the beginning of Kung Fu? Remember the show Kung Fu? You don't know to grab the pebble from my hand? It doesn't matter. Let's move on. Here's another guy, a wakelifter on a skateboard. Donatello from Ninja Turtles had a bow staff. He had a stick.

The purple one. Yeah. He was a purple man. He had the purple man, Nana. Why did they wear those masks in Bandana? We got, like, a Ninja Turtle without the mask on. Would you not know? Is it like Superman when he takes the glasses off

and you don't know it's Clark Kent? If a Ninja Turtle took its Bandana mask off, would you go, wait a minute, did you see a Ninja Turtle? There was just a Ninja Turtle here a minute ago. You're just a turtle without a mask and a bow staff. Who are you? Yeah, I never thought about that. They didn't really, it didn't really help their hiding,

I don't think. No, they didn't need, like, a lot of... Except amongst other turtles, I think other turtles might have been like, oh, who is that? You're right. It's easier for us to identify turtles and specific turtles than turtles to identify themselves. Probably.

Because they spend a lot of time alone in their own shells. Yeah. They're not cognizant of, like, minuscule differences in the turtle. I feel like I look like a turtle. You know, a shell, yeah, I can see you shell is kind of out of the shell. I'm out of a shell like I'm an old...

Like a soft shell turtle. I'm a soft shell turtle. I love that. Yeah, because I love soft shell crabs. I love that and it keeps his mic on so you can hear his little giggles. There's tittering. Yeah.

Keeps you going. Yeah. I love that. It sounds like... And then he turned it up. It's like the lightest tickling. Yeah, it started with breathing and it ends with a, like, a titter.

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slash thEO. Okay, show me this guy's talent. Okay, here's what's... Oh. No. Ooh. No. No, don't do this.

Okay, I don't know if it's a talent or just... It's not smart to do. Is that it? That's it. That's it. $405. Yeah, what is a talent and what's not smart to do? I think that that's not a talent.

I think that's just like... I would imagine... Listen, it's amazing that he can lift 405 pounds. The lifting is the thing. It is amazing that he can skateboard. I can't skateboard. Same. But combining the two, he's not skateboarding.

He's standing on a skateboard to lift the weight. So standing on the skateboard is not hard. Lifting the weight, it's just... That's a bad decision. Sometimes there is a thin line between a bad decision and talent. Right? Yeah, I mean... That was a bad decision.

That wasn't talent. Yeah, there you go. This looks like talent right now. This could be talent. This guy... I already... See, this is where my talent radar as a judge goes on, even before hearing him, seeing him. He's a patriot.

He's a patriot. He's a patriot. I actually love this. Nice song. It is a nice song. He's kind of like a country springsteam. Yeah, isn't he? But he's got this cherub face, and it looks like he's just...

He's never smoked before, but right before he made this tape, he finished a pack of camels, just so that he can get that phlegm. Yeah, I like this. I think it's good, man. I do like this. I don't like the angle he shot it from. Let's get a close-up of my nuts. It's like he's playing back up to his own nuts.

Isn't it? Why wouldn't he put the camera on a table? It reminded me of being at a forest fire or something. It reminded me of having hot dogs with friends. Being at a forest fire? Do you mean a campfire? Yeah, campfire, sorry. Don't mix those two things up.

Okay, sorry, man. I didn't know that. Maybe where you come from. Let's go to a forest fire. I love sitting around a forest fire with my friends. I love sitting around a three-alarm fire with two friends and some marshmallows. A small forest fire. Oh, and it's so cute when they're watching people drop from their balconies into the...

What is that thing they drop into? What do you catch them with? No, the fire department. I've never seen those just in the movies. Yeah, they run with that big trampoline. I don't know if they still do that, do you think? I didn't know they ever did it. I saw it in a couple of movies.

I saw it in a lot of cartoons. And I'm an ambulance chaser, not a fire truck chaser. And I've never seen that at a fire where they took out that giant condom or whatever that is at IUD. And said, jump! Which I want to do one. Wouldn't you love to jump off a few stories into a giant trampoline? It's one shot, one kill. There it is right there, that life net.

And they don't use it anymore? Is that what they're saying? It's called the life net? Let's get some intel on this, Nick. Can you take us into that? Yeah, they became obsolete in the 80s. In the 80s? Was there a reason why?

Owing to their form of prevalence, life nets often feature in... It says they had varying... Limitations. Go up there. Okay. Limitations. Firefighters believed that the practice... Height limit for successful use of the nets was about six stories.

Although in the 1930's Chicago Fire, people survived jumps from eight stories into a life net. Wow. One suffered a skull fracture and the other two had minor injuries. But they were out of a fucking burning building. Yeah. So if from four to six stories this could save lives, why do we say because we don't care about people? Well, we can go to failures and problems right here as well. If you can zoom a little bit on that next, we can see it as well.

Alright. Life nets often failed to save people and some of those firefighters themselves were injured or killed by falling bodies and that is what I'm talking about. Well, they're saying that they phased it out because the term Eugene Oregon Express Reservation saying that the term life net was misleading. It should only be used as a last resort. Well, it is the last resort. Come on.

If you're in a resort and the resort is on fire, the next place you want to be lying and luxuriating is in a fucking life net if the resort's on fire. Yeah. If you're in a burning building, anything that is not burning is a resort. It really is. It's just a getaway. It's just a quick little getaway. It's a life net.

Where are you going this Christmas? I'm going to be lying in my life net. I think a lot of, I say we bring them back, man. Howie, what if we put your face on it too? It's if you were like, jump onto my face. Because I jump onto my face. Right here. Right here.

Saving lives every day. This guy looks like he's got something for us. I don't know what the talent is. He hasn't gotten out of his truck yet. Yeah. He's in his truck. It could be. What's going on, Theo and Howie?

My name is Isaac Spots. I'm 21 years old. I live in Jackson, Wyoming. And this is my official audition for this past weekend's fans. Got talent, baby. I got a little trick up my sleeve, a little magic that I think you guys might enjoy. And you don't have sleeves. Be prepared to be amazed.

Are you ready for this? And as you can see, there's nothing in my hands, fellas. Literally nothing. I have to bring up my sleeves. It'd be hard to put something in these sleeves anyways. Check this out. Okay. What is he doing?

Take his penis off, I bet. Explain that one, fellas. You feel me? Wow. Anyways, that's all I got for y'all. Gang gang. Gang gang, fellas. Gang gang.

What's up, player? So that was, explain that one. Isaac Spots, I don't know either he had been smoking the night before. I think I can do it. Really? Yeah. Nothing up my sleeves. No, I think I can.

I really can. Okay. Watch this. Did you see any? Did you see any? I didn't. Yeah, I swear, I can do it. I'll do it again.

I'll try to do it again. There might have been like a little something. No, no, no. It's kind of, it's a known thing. You think he had something in his hand? He put a, he inhaled something? No. No, I can do it.

I'm telling you, it's your lighting. Let me try it one more time. All right. Oh, dang. Get in there. Get deep. Get there, baby. That time I saw it, that was huge.

You did? Yeah. Oh, dang. Oh, you're winking. Because we're going to add it in post. It's just a really bad fucking animated piece of smoke. We got a new editor. Yeah, that's true.

Do something with this shit. He's supposed to be awesome, man. You know what? Sometimes when you have magicians on the show, you go, you know what? It looks amazing, but it's all smoke and mirrors. Yeah. And when you brought a magician on your show, all it is is a little bit of smoke. It didn't even bring a mirror.

There's no, there's no trick. It's just the smoke. And it's nothing. Turns around, takes a hit off a cigarette. And I like, he had the most, like he was a, the first kid said, I want this to bring honor to my family. The next guy legitimately sang a song from a bad angle. And this guy had the most, I thought, which do you see this?

It's great being here. Yeah. I got something for you. Let's go. And it was nothing. My dad died in the mines. Right. It was nothing.

It was nothing. It was nothing. It was nothing. But Simon might have loved it. Yeah. Yeah. Let's break on after this. Is Heidi still there?

Yeah. God, bro. Dude, I thought I had a chance with her one time, man. Yeah, she did the show. I really did. I think she thought you're adorable. I don't know that you have a chance with her. How old are you, Theo?

Me? I'm 41. No, you got no chance. Really? She likes younger guys? Her husband's 30. Yeah. She likes, uh, she loves her children.

But at the time, at the time I was 34 or 33 that we did the show, 34. Yeah. But then she was going out with, the guy she was going out with right when she was in the show, I think. He owned like Saturn or something. No. He was eight, eight and a half. She likes young ones.

Oh, yeah. I got six and a half. I got six if I'm lucky, you know? No. She's, uh, she is, uh, she's a good friend. It's amazing. You follow her on Instagram? Yeah, man.

She's very rarely dressed. Oh, dude, I remember one time we were sitting in the makeup chair or something and I liked, she had come right here. I didn't know and she had on like some type of, I don't know what it was, man, but it was something and it's probably like that last guy's shirt. And you guys, like somebody, she threw her voice or something and I turned, oh yeah. It was like that last guy's shirt, dude. But the middle, but she had the sleeves, but not the kind of middle part.

Right. It's like an inverse, uh, wife beater. Yes. And I remember turning and her chest was right there, right? I mean, all the glooms, baby. You know what I'm saying? You were right into the, the glooms were in hiding. Oh yeah.

They were not, they were not hiding. The glooms were not hiding, bro. And I remember just praying that night that I would have a chance with her and then nothing ever happened. Well, you got it. You should have said, do I have a chance with you? Yeah, I should have. You didn't say anything.

You thought it would just unfold. Oh yeah, yeah. Word free. Yeah. Just boom, you'd be there. Enough of that seance and just Ouija board and you know, A-G-I-D-I. Yeah, I'm a lucky guy. I get to work.

Sophia Vergara is stunning. Oh. In person. Yeah. As pretty as she is on television, it's crazy. And that's my job. That's where I'm going from here. Really?

I'm going over to AGT right now. You got some talent you might want to take with you, we got, does she have a website? Does she have a, is she on Instagram? Let's go. Her name is Brenda O'Connor. She didn't include any of that in. Okay, let's see. Let's see what Brenda does.

She goes for three and a half minutes. So just let me know when. She goes for three and a half minutes. These are the things you go through before you go on a date. She goes to three and a half minutes. So do you have time to take in a movie, take her out for coffee and then you got three and a half minutes. It sounds, she sounds right up my alley, honestly.

It's a three minute introduction. I like her. Sounds good. This is legitimate. Great. I like her, sounds good, this is legitimate, great. Is this an original, is this her song or is it, she didn't include any of that in it. Wow, that's good.

That's good, Nick. That's good, Nick. That's, she's really good. And here's what I would suggest for her, she should, well she did put it on tape, but it's funny that she put this talent on tape and sent it to this podcast instead of to AGT. So I think she's got talent, she just is misdirected. I think that she needs to make that tape and send it to AGT.com and I'm telling you that

was really, really good. Was it her own song or you don't know? I'm trying to see if we can find her. I don't know, but regardless, she's got a really good voice, she's just a very pleasant entertainer who I think would do well on AGT. Yeah, she sounds really good. This is another piece of talent. Yeah, this guy is doing some stand up outside.

Stand up on the road, look where he chose to do it. Literally. Who's that behind him? Is that Lou? Is that your friend Lou? It looks like Lou or Mick Jagger on a fence or a wall behind him, how about Charlie Watts? I know, huh? So sad, I love the Stones, that's my favorite group of all time, I've seen them about five

times. Why? Who do you like in music? I like Rolling Stones. I like Black Crows, I saw them a couple of weeks ago. Yeah, I mean, it's just heartbreaking, man, I like Grateful Dead, I like John Mayer. John Mayer is funny. John Mayer is funny, he is funny, yeah, he's just a conduit of talent, man.

Well, he's touring now with Grateful Dead. Yeah, yeah. He's remarkable. All right, let's see, stand up. What up, people? This is Bungalow, I'm from Hamilton, Ontario, Canada, living in Croatia. This is a little stand-up routine for, fans got talent on Theo Vaughn this past weekend. We go, got someone's hand.

Here we go. Well, back in the day, I got my first kitten, right, hold on, yeah, I'm a fucking cat guy, no big deal, right? But let me take it back, so, there used to be these crackheads that used to always have these kittens, I don't know why they had kittens. Okay, well, I like this, this is kind of neat. Is that chopping screws? No, when, so, these crackheads that have kittens, and then he, did he slow it down, because

he's easing, is that a technical problem? Oh, okay, something happened where it extended, gotcha. So, here I go. Okay. Well, back in the day, I got my first kitten, right? No, that was not intentional, I don't know how that happened, I slowed it down to 10 minutes, it was a three minute video. Okay.

So, when it's good, you want it to last, and people are going, fuck, this is amazing, crackheads with cats. And that's a talent, man. And I love, what I love about this comic already is, and I think that that's a funny thing to do. Outside right here. Well, first of all, outside in front of nobody, but the over-explanation of a setup, yeah. So can you imagine going to the club next time, or your next Netflix special, all right,

here's what I got for you. I got for everybody here at Netflix, I got a comedy routine. I'm going to be coming out here in just a minute, and I'm going to be doing some jokes and routines and just chatting. I might do some interaction with you, with the audience. I think I might be doing things that you're going to find mildly amusing, there might be things that you find hilarious. I'm going to probably close, which will be an hour from now, with my best piece, that's

my drop the mic moment. I will give you a signal, so you will know the drop the mic moment. The signal that I have come up with is the mic dropping. You will know, you will see that. Ladies and gentlemen, Sebastian Manuscauca. If that wasn't the best Sebastian impersonation. All right, let's hear the cats in the crack. The cats in the crack.

Back in the day, I got my first kill. Hold on, hold on. Yeah, I'm a fucking cracker. No big deal, right? But let me take it back. So, there used to be these crackheads that used to always have these kittens. I don't know why they had kittens, they always had like 15 kittens at a time. What did he take back?

So I used to go to these guys, and they used to be my cat dealer. So I had a stepdaughter that wanted cats, but we already had two of them. Hang on, stop for a second. I had my first kid, then he had a stepdaughter, crack, this is the most confusing. It's like Downton Abbey, but in Memphis, I feel like this is it. That's just getting pretty crazy, bro. And I love that he's got so many gestures, he's leaning on the wall. I don't understand what the fuck happened either.

I had to play him, this is Bungo, he's a longtime supporter of this past weekend, he's been watching since the beginning. And we love Bungo. Bungo, thank you so much for telling us this. It's a nice little soft kitten, nice little furry piece of life in your hand. Amen, baby. So, she wants kittens, but we don't want to buy them for real. So we used to go to these crackheads and rent kittens, $10 a day for the kittens.

So we used to rent three, so that's $30 a day. Wow. Now, there's one time, they came over and they're like, hey, ding, ding, knock on the door. Ding, ding, ding, knock, ding is not knocked. The aluminum door. Wait, wait, but ding, ding, ding is the bell. Look, look, look, the door was made out of bells. Come on, how we...

Ding, ding, ding. He did even the knocking gesture. Ding, ding, ding. This guy's great. I love Bungo. I'm going to give him the same advice because he's got to come on AGP. Just the way he tells jokes. Bungo.

Here's what I'm going to need. I don't want to come into the theater. I want to be outside. He got a wall I can lean on sometimes and I'm going to tell stories. I need a small river in the background or sewage can now. Just a furry bundle of life. Should we keep going to a fun sign or...? Oh, we didn't get one.

Okay, keep going. So we're like, all right, so the black kitten and the black dog, I'm like, all right, sure. I'm like, why? What's going on? They're like, somebody just died because they overdosed on drugs in my apartment. So the cops are there. So I got to put these guys somewhere safe. So I'm like, all right, no big deal.

So the guy ends up going to jail for killing his fucking girlfriend, right? A little furry bundle of life. The thing is what's great about it is it's what he's using is he's using real life to make humor. And sometimes the darkest, I like he goes because the guy, there was a murder at another apartment. No big deal. I like that he says no big deal because he doesn't want to make it heavy.

He killed his fucking girlfriend, but back to the kids. We have this dog, which I named Blackie Chan, because it's a black Labrador. We ended up giving it to my brother's neighbor, which he dubbed himself the whore master, because he used to go to Cuba and pick up all these young girls and everybody's. Okay, stop it right now. So we've gone from murder to sex trafficking to. Is this Gamora? This sounds like that show Gamora.

No, you're not getting the joke. This is an amazing, you know what this reminds me of? I mean, who did the similar joke? It was who's that girl with the talking about everybody, somebody, they told the worst joke and everybody kept telling it. Not the one I was talking about. Aristocrats. Aristocrats.

I was in that. You were? Yeah. Did you hate it? All right. You hated it when when I wouldn't I wouldn't watch it again. The only reason I did this episode of your podcast was I wanted people to re-rent it and re-stream it.

I was going to I was plugging that. If you'd done it in Gizmo voice, man, I would I would have really dug it. All right. Let me hear you get to the punch line. Then I got to go. All right. Alarming. If you think about it now, we end up giving it to the whore master and the whore master

are we later? Boom. The whore master wasn't a good person. You got the dog killed. Got hit by a car. All right. Stop it right now. It just gets funnier and funnier.

This is your longtime supporter. I don't know why you're laughing, Theo. These are your people. And these are good people, Alie. No, no, no. He's a good person. He's not a great comedian. Or maybe he is.

Look at the crowd. You know what the thing is? I learned and you did too. How do you come up with good comedy? We go to the clubs every night and we see how people react. What I would say to this person is just go inside. The first step is go inside where there's another person. I promise you, you will never tell this joke again.

Let's continue. There's got to be a pipeline. He doesn't walk the one guy. Look at the one guy. He's still there. Where? The painted head. The black cat.

And I ended up keeping him. His name is Kraken. He lives with me now. He travels with me. No big deal. I'm a fucking cat guy. So he ends up living with me. So I take him to this vet with my ex-girlfriend.

Now at first I'm like, oh shit, we're just going to get his balls snipped and snipped he did. And we're getting a neuter. So we bring him to the vet. First thing I notice is the vetation. I'm like, oh shit, how much money do you want to put down that this vet is going to get him put down so he can have a dinner for his family. Oh my god.

Oh my god. Now it's getting edgy now. But so I'm like, oh shit, you're probably going to put him down for some dinner, right? And then we're in the waiting room, the operation room as they say. And he's on my cat balls. But I noticed he's holding on to him too long for like five minutes and my cat starts crying. I look at my girlfriend, look at the doctor, I'm like, how the fuck doesn't anybody notice

this shit? So I'm like, hey buddy, can't you hear my cat's crying, stop molesting him. Boom. My girlfriend sucks me in the face. It was just Donna's question. This is Banjo. This is my stand up. I don't really do this.

No, you don't. I hope you like it. Love it. Yeah. Banjo, how are you? You're a legend. I remember you from Bobby's world. Thank you.

Boom, boom. Boom, boom. Boom. Boom, boom, baby. Boom, boom. That was great. That was great. Because I like that he, thank god he put a little caveat at the end saying I don't really

do stand up. Because you wouldn't know that. You would not know that. It's like this guy's been doing this for, for a lifetime. Oh, I think it's amazing. He went to a place and set this up and did it. You can tell he was nervous, Banjo, putting it out there, trying material. Maybe if I just try some, like, some string together a bunch of violent shit, kittens,

horrors, and maybe a little bit of racism just at the end to throw in. Don't forget the catch phrase, big deal, I'm a fucking cat guy. Yeah, big deal, I'm a fucking cat guy. I would love to be in the offices at America's Got Talent when this tape arrives. Yeah, is there an AGT uncensored that's going to come out or something? That's what I'm wondering. They tell me phenomenal stories that never make the air that, you know, people come in with their ideas and tapes like this.

That was amazing. It was something, man. It was definitely something. And I'm glad that he put it on. I'm glad we had a professional here to judge him for it. One of my friends that worked at Red Bull for a long time told me that they would record the craziest calls that came in under the 1-800 number from people on Red Bull and at the Christmas party, they would play them for everybody and I know I always wish I could

have gone to that because I follow this thing on, I think it's on TikTok where that somebody has animated all the really weird 9-1-1 calls, horrible, like just bad 9-1, that's a great idea. It's really great and people calling for the stupidest things. How much do you love TikTok? I feel like it fits you so well, like just in the sense. Because I'm good for 15 seconds and out. I did good, you know, I'm doing good on it.

I love social media. I just love all kinds of social media. I just like, you know, a reason to get up and dance like an idiot or a reason to post a picture or to, I just like just being someplace, not in my own head. I just keep doing shit and that's why I'm doing this and I can't thank you enough for having me, buddy. Yeah. Thank you so much, man.

Thank you for helping me get a job too on your show a while back. We got to work together again. The next step is you coming on my podcast and we'll prank, prank. Okay. Yeah. Oh, you know what we'll do? We'll get a bunch of fucking cats. All right.

We'll get some fucking cats. Oh, yeah. I'm a fucking cat guy. I am. And then, oh, great. We'll take them down the street. Hopefully, they'll be like a murder in the podcast and then when we see that the murder is there, we'll get a dog also and send that over to where the crackheads are.

Yeah. I like that, man. Listen, I got to come up with my, I got to come up with my own material. Let's don't, let's don't spend it all here. Yeah. Some of that might be copywritten. Howie Mandel, congrats on all your lifelong success and thank you for being a great entertainer for so many people and, and thanks for being my friend and thanks for coming in today.

Thank you, buddy. Stay healthy. Yeah. Take care of Ritz too, man. Thank you. And my mind is somewhere else, but when I find it, I'll patch up where it's been grown. Now I'm just floating on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves. I must be cornerstone.

Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found. I can feel it in my bones, but it's gonna take a little time for me to set that parking brake and let myself online shine that light on me. I sit and tell you my story shine on me and I will find a song I will sing it just for me. And I've been moving way too fast on the runaway train with a heavy load of my past. And these rules that I've been riding on, they want something that they're damn, they're gone.

Now they just weren't built to last.