This Past Weekend - E378 Chris Distefano

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Starting point is 00:00:48 more. Go to HOPWTR.com. That's hopwater.com. HOPWTR.com. Use my promo code THEO to get 20% off. I want to let you know next week I'll be back on a regular solo episode and I'm looking forward to that. So I will see you then. We could just do a little bit of mano-e-mano or mano-e-wo-mano as well. We'll include everybody. This week, February 2nd, I'm in Jacksonville, Florida. And February 3rd, I'm in St. Petersburg, Florida, America. February 5th, I'll be in Orlando. That's this week. So you can grab those tickets at theovon.com slash tour. I'm also in Tampa and then I'll be in Lafayette, Indiana. That's sold out. 225, I'll be in

Starting point is 00:01:46 Rockford, Illinois. That's February 25th, February 26th in Chicago at the Chicago Theater. Very excited. And yeah, Rockford, Illinois, home of the Rockford Peaches, a feminine baseball group that did it all, almost won it all. I think they won it. Theovon.com slash tour. T-O-U-R for tickets. Don't get tickets from any third-party sites. Only go through theovon.com slash tour. If you're paying a ridiculous amount of money for a ticket, it's probably because it's some aftermarket site, some peddler, grifter. We also have the new I'm Upstairs collection available in hoodies, long sleeves, and tees. I wore my black hoodie

Starting point is 00:02:30 yesterday that says it. I'm Upstairs. And be good to yourself collection as well, always available. Go to theovonstore.com. Thank you guys so much for your support. Coming to see the shows and any merchandise or anything. I love you. Today's episode is being taped at Howie Mandel Studio out here in California. So we're taping it here and we're grateful to Howie Mandel for that. Thank you. Today's guest is a friend of mine. He's a deer man. And I don't mean he's a hunter or anything. I mean he's just a deer man. And he is, he's one half of the podcasting duo Hey Babe that he hosts with Sal Volcano. And he is a full, both

Starting point is 00:03:23 halves of his solo podcast, Chris C Chaos that you can check out. He is currently touring in cities on his Chrissy Theaters Everywhere tour, the CTE tour. Tickets are available at Chris D Comedy. He and I have a long history of podcasting together. This one's right in time for Valentine's Day, man. We're going to talk about love. And I'm grateful that he's here. My friend, Mr. Chris De Stefano. Yeah. So, you know, but Chrissy D, you know what I mean? You motherfucking Chrissy D, you know what I mean? Like, look at that. You're not wearing bracelets like that unless you're doing something. You know what I mean? What is that? Is that Bloomingdale's? Where'd you

Starting point is 00:04:43 get it? Got that Amazon, but you know what I mean? 200. Wow. Yeah. And what carrot is that? Is that 30? It might be 30. That's a good amount. Yes, sir. And I got a chain. Oh, wow. Yeah, I got a chain too. Cuban link bracelet. You know what I mean? I'm just saying like that's, you know, your ad and show is at a funny bone with that. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, look. And you're married still to your wife, right? Yes. Well, we're not married, but we have children. So we're married in the eyes of God. And did you know when you were going to be in love? Like, did you know, like when you take me to it for real and be honest with me, because I've been thinking a lot about love and like, how do I get, you know, being just jumping in and being like,

Starting point is 00:05:23 I'm in love, you know, and like, like, I don't have a girlfriend right now, but it's like, really? Yeah. But I've been thinking about, it's tough to be single with a jacket like that because you're, I'm soaked. Thanks, man. You look good in it, man. I think it's one of those like Andre Agassi collection things. No, it's fucking, it's money in the bank jacket. I just, I really like the jacket. Thanks. I actually saw a man with it who did skydiving is the first time that I ever saw it. Yeah, it looks like something like Whitney Houston would wear, but I love Whitney Houston. Really? Yes. Whitney Houston is my number one. I was watching the Whitney Houston documentary on the plane coming out here. Oh, is it good? Fully crying in Delta economy.

Starting point is 00:06:03 I've told you, bro, I'm adding shows at Funny Bones. Yeah. Oh, that's good, dude. If you, what do you, were we talking about? You were asking me about love and you want to find, did you know, did you know? Okay. I'm going to be 100% honest with you. All right. This is for real. In 2014, when I met, okay, hold on. What was the climate of the world in 2014? 2014. We're kind of getting along pretty far. We were getting along. We had Obama as president, you know, there were real no problems on the horizon. You know, China was starting to act up a little bit. You starting to hear, you know, like China was always like, uh, watch them a little bit, but we really didn't have the problems we have right now. You know, we were two years away from being saved by Trump,

Starting point is 00:06:47 and now we're back in the bullshit. But yeah, so it was kind of like a little bit of a glory days, but I was single. I had been single for six months. Had you been dating kind of vigorously? Had you been doing sex a lot? I had been again, just being completely 100% vulnerable and honest from the time, uh, uh, from, from, from, uh, January of 2014 until August of 2014. Yes. Early. I contracted chlamydia so many times that my primary care doctor gave me my own prescription of azithromycin, which is what cures chlamydia, almost like a male birth control. He said, anytime you, it just hurts a little bit to pee, just take this. He said, cause I can't stop you. He said, and it's amazing. You don't have herpes, AIDS or syphilis, but you got chlamydia,

Starting point is 00:07:32 like I've never gotten COVID once, but I get chlamydia, like chlamydia is like, you know what I mean? Yeah, you were, yeah, you were, and so he was scoring chlamydia. Yes. A jammer ran a chlamydia. Yeah. He would, I would pee in a cup and he would go like that, like it was a hot potato cause my urine was 100 degrees. You know what I mean? So, so, so, yeah, yeah. This thing's, it looks a little bouillabaisse. That's when it's bad boy. I remember one time when you got that chicken noodle piss. Yeah. Chicken noodle piss with chlamydia on the side. So I, I remember one time I gave him a cup of my urine and I said, is it bad? And he goes feel it. He goes, feel it. What do you think? And I was like, it's, it's a little warm. He goes,

Starting point is 00:08:09 yeah, it's nice to be like that. I was like, yeah, he went, so, okay, so, so get to August of 20th. You were serving hot. So, so let me tell you something. And listen, at that time, you know, I, I, I was, I was, you know, there was a lot of beautiful women. I was recently single. I, you know, I was out there in the world with comedy and I was, I was, I was hooking up with beautiful women and, and, and, and having a good time. I had a beautiful apartment in Long Island City, New York, out of view of the city. I was really, really like being free and single for the first time in my life, right? Were you on the apps or were you just meeting women at shows? Just meeting women at shows on Instagram. I never did any of those apps, not never once. I like it.

Starting point is 00:08:46 Okay. I did, I was Native American basically of dating. I was Native American. I was hunting buffalo and some of them were buffalo, but I don't discriminate. You know what I mean? Because you got some gazelle, some buffaloes, it depends. Oh yeah. Dude, I've been with some wounded antelope. You know what I'm saying? 100%. I had sex with a woman who was on dialysis, you know? Oh wow. Is that good for them? That's good. Well, it, it, she wouldn't, she'd be dead without it. She was in her mid 40s on dialysis. She was actually a friend of my father's and they met at dialysis and I wound up having sex with her. It wasn't a proud moment, but I did. And cause I was in, I was just in that, in that time in 2014, I was just there. I was finding women that felt empty like me,

Starting point is 00:09:24 that were, you know, having sex. I don't fuck out of, I don't fuck anybody out, out of like a urgent care or nothing. You won't do it? No. Yeah. I don't do it, man. My sister works at him. I've seen some behind the scenes. I'm not doing that shit. Yeah. No, I get it. If somebody's rolling out of her urgent care, I'm not fucking. You're not going to, I know. Having sex with a woman on dialysis was, I don't want to say it was a low point, but you know, I mean, it was, it was dangerous because, you know, she was, had blurred vision and shit and I was like, you know, I don't even know if she's, are you really? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, so, so August of 2004, this year. Take me there. August of 2004, I'm sorry, July of 2014. It was July 6th. Okay.

Starting point is 00:10:08 My boy Pat Finnegan, Patti Flyball. Shout out. He just fell down the stairs yesterday and had a laceration on his chin. He tripped over his dog leash. So shout out to him. He's very Irish of it. Lost consciousness. Yeah. So he, we went to a place in Brooklyn. It was called Place to Beach in Coney Island, Brooklyn. Okay. And what did you say in volleyball? They haven't said volleyball. And it was, this is a place in Brooklyn where this isn't like gentrified, woke Brooklyn. This was like where native New Yorkers are going. Okay. You know, you have the Puerto Ricans and the Italians going out there. It's Coney Island. Like Coney Island is like, it's not gentrified, man. That's real New York city. Like you got to be from New York to even know where these spots are at. That

Starting point is 00:10:48 was one of those spots. I wasn't looking for anything. I wasn't looking for, I was just, I was out there maybe going to try. Why'd you go that day? Because Pat Finnegan had told me, he's like, yo, my sister's there with her friends. Oh yeah. So let's go meet my sister's friends. Cause your sister's a beautiful girl. And we were like, okay, yeah, we'll go. We'll have fun, drink. I had a show at the creek in the cave, RIP, the creek in the cave. It was in Queens, New York at the time. I was supposed to have a show at the creek in the cave at eight o'clock. I said, let's go to that place at five. We'll do it. We'll have a couple of drinks. I was drinking strawberry vodka. I was drinking strawberry vacas and I said, let's get drunk. We'll drive my,

Starting point is 00:11:20 my Jeep Jeep Grand Cherokee out there and then, you know, we'll take the bus to the creek if, if we can't drive. I got a Grand Cherokee. See similarities. So, and we both got eighties jackets on. Yeah. It's nice dude. And I got that bracelet. I don't have it. So, so I'm, I'm, I'm, we're in there and again, not looking for anything. And again, I was at the point, you know, a lot of beautiful women. Were you feeling hopeful? I was feeling, I was feeling, I remember I was feeling good. I felt, I was wearing the right shorts and the right shirt that I felt like I was in better shape than I actually was. I felt tight even though I'd probably had eaten pizza and carbs, but I felt tight and good. Yeah. I love that when your shirt does that for you. Cause, you know,

Starting point is 00:12:00 like right now I don't feel good. I feel fat. I feel bloated. I'm just trying to cover it up because I don't feel good, man. Cause I had a muffin this morning, but so I had two muffins this morning actually and a jalapeno cheese bagel and I had cold oatmeal on the plane. What can you do? I'm Chrissy carbs. Wow. Yeah. I went in. I probably had 4,000 calories. It's, it's barely three o'clock. Damn dude. It's barely, it's not even February yet. I know dude. So I, I, I eat like my drug is I, I eat too much and uh, you know, but what can I do? So you're on strawberry vodka. You have a nice fit on there and do you, are y'all doing activities? What are you doing? No. So we're in the bar, literally just listening to, you know, the house music, uh, uh, you know, trying to talk to girls,

Starting point is 00:12:40 dancing, just being stupid. And I, I go to take a piss. They had a porta potty there. Oh, I like that. Yeah. So I go to take a piss. I like a porta potty dude. Cause it's almost like you feel brave when you even go piss. You're like, you're not like Magellan, but you're like, I'm going to try it. You know what I'm saying? I'm doing something different. And it was, and the porta pot is the only time in my life before COVID that anytime I use a porta potty, I would look to wash my hands or pure elf because a hundred percent of the time, even if I do deed, I would never wash my hands before COVID. I was like, I don't need to wash my hands unless I was in a porta potty. So with the porta potty, the Harper is getting the door open.

Starting point is 00:13:16 You almost got to kick it with your foot and let it bounce a little and then catch it with your foot. Yeah. You got to do some, you got to act like you don't have, even have hands. Like you could just got nubs. Yeah. So, so I am there. I hate to not have hands. I come out. I come out. I met, you know, I met a guy, I used to be a physical therapist. I had a patient, I should say, that was just a torso. Let's not say a, well, is it called a patient or if you're a physical therapist? No, they would call us patients and we technically have doctorate degrees. I mean, I have a doctorate degree. I would never call myself doctor. Some of my, you know, classmates did and that's bullshit, but they were called patients and I met, he was a torso, just a toy.

Starting point is 00:13:52 I had no arms, no legs. And he was, did you speak at churches? No, no, no, no. I think he's no longer with us, but he was just a full torso. Oh, wow. And it was crazy to see, but he would maneuver it like he would get shit done, just rolling around. Fucking sternum Ernie out there. He was just, it was wild. That's crazy. And does he have a spine or not? Or just like a ribcage? No, he had a full head spine, everything, but he was just, just think about like a mannequin. Okay. No arms, no legs. Just think about, hold on, hold on, hold on. You're talking so fast. It's hard for me to know. Sorry. Well, it's because it's Fuji Apple Celsius. Sorry. I'm sorry. So thinking about a mannequin. All right. And what else? No arms, no legs. All right. Head,

Starting point is 00:14:29 brain, spine. Okay. Tattoo on his ribcage. Oh, wow. Yeah. Didn't see that coming. Yep. And he was having, he was having, I think it was shoulder issues because easily neck, neck, shoulder, because it's all you got left. It's just his neck. Yeah. And he was born that way, by the way. He wasn't in an accident. And this is true. I'm, you know, I could probably prove it to you. He was also a hermaphrodite. Oh, wow. So he was, and he was blind in one eye. This is, I'm not making any of this up. I can't say his name because that's against HIPAA. Yeah. You know, but, but he is the patient. If anyone who worked with me at NYU in, you know, summer, spring or whatever it was of 2010, you know exactly who I'm talking about.

Starting point is 00:15:15 Damn. Yeah. Well, that's probably not a lot of it. And that's, you know, no, I think you got big fans. I mean, my, my people, I work with big fans of yours. Absolutely. So, so, so with that being said, I, I, I, I'm there. It's July 6th of 2014. Okay. I see who's going to eventually become my, the mother of my two beautiful children. Wow. And so when I saw her, dude, I'm never forget, I saw I was drinking a strawberry vodka. Mm hmm. Having fun. I was probably, you know, on an app looking for Domino's pizza. I'm always, anytime I drink, even though New York city has the best Italian food, every time I drink, I always want pizza hut and Domino's. I think it's just pain. It's just a cycle of pain.

Starting point is 00:15:55 It's like, I want to look in the mirror and be like, you fucking suck. You eat that Domino's, bitch. Oh yeah. Yeah. Something like that. Like BDSM. Yeah. It's like, like a suicidal thing. You know, like Italian BDSM. Yes. Yes. So I say, I see her. I see her. And she's like dancing. And it was one of those things where it was like, almost like in a movie where I was like, like, truthfully, I was like, my heart like stopped. Like I was like, like, it's the only time I ever felt that in my life where I looked at her and I was like, oh my God, like, like the beauty was like, like floored. And again, like I said, I was, I said everything before I had, you know, we're talking to beautiful women and Ben.

Starting point is 00:16:32 So she was beautiful. Like, you know, there were other girls, but there was something different about her. And I said to my boy, Patty, Patty fly balls, who I never, he was chewing on a straw. And I said to him, I do that. Yeah. I said to him, I said, I said, dude, look at how beautiful that woman is. And he was like, I know she's amazing. And I was like, he agreed. He agreed. And I was like, I was like, I said that, I said, I said, that literally is the hardest girl I've ever seen in my life. I was like, I can't even think right now. And he was like, bro, relax. What'd you do then? You left? No. So he goes, he goes, dude, yeah, she's a smoking hot Puerto Rican chick. Like I get it. Like, and I said, I got to go up and talk to

Starting point is 00:17:10 her. I said, I literally was like inside of me. I was like, if I do not talk to her, like, this is going to bother me for the rest of my fucking life. Like, I'm never going to forget this woman. So I go up to her and I say, listen, I said, I, you know, I saw you from across. Was the musical, I was at hard to get her attention. That part I don't remember because I was enamored because you know what's amazing about her? She was so beautiful and obviously is so beautiful. But the thing is, when I focused on it, she has a chip tooth. So I was looking at her chip tooth because I was like, wow, you know, you're like from afar, like you don't notice you have a chip tooth. But then when I

Starting point is 00:17:42 get closer, it's almost like the chip tooth. It even made it more beautiful because it's like, it's unique. It's almost like a, like a hot chick with a scar. You know what I mean? Like, I was like, I like this. This is unique. It's almost like you got to buy a vowel or something. Yeah. Like one of the most beautiful women I've ever met besides her has no pinkies. And I was like, and she's a smoke show, but she's got no pinkies and she hides them. But she's, you don't meet people that don't have pinkies and she doesn't have them, but she's gorgeous. Wow. It's almost like a sloth almost. Yes. Dude, I'll tell you this, first girl I ever kissed had a chip tooth. Yep. Yep. And then made us kiss. We were in love, man. I don't know if we were in love,

Starting point is 00:18:16 but we live near each other. Well, sometimes that's all it takes. That's what being in love wasn't being married was in ancient times. You just knew the people in your village. That's why this whole concept of a soulmate, you, there's nine billion people in this world and we're all connected through Mark Zuckerberg, the God. So it's like this whole idea of a soulmate and a one and only, that's, that's ancient tribe bullshit. This is not new world thinking because we're all connected, man. You just, you knew about 15 people back in the day. Right. So you know what I mean? So with her, with Jasmine, I walked up to her and I said, I said, it's, it's, I can't stop like looking at you. I said, do you have a boyfriend?

Starting point is 00:18:58 You're a full psychopath for the first time. I can't stop looking at you. Yeah. I might have whispered it. You should have had somebody write it on your back out of marker and just pulled your shirt up. Yeah. I went full psycho. Cause I was just so, and I said, love brother. That's what I'm telling you. That's love. Yeah. And I said to her, I said, is there any way I could just buy you a drink? And she said, you could, but my boyfriend is here. So then I was like, whoa, cause I got a rule, man. If you got a boyfriend, I don't mess with that. Right. Or a husband, like I don't, I think that's bad karma. I would never want that. I don't mess with that. Like there's plenty of fish in the sea, but something about her,

Starting point is 00:19:37 I was like, I almost feel like it doesn't matter. Like I don't care that, you know, like I almost have to be like, I don't care at all that you have a boyfriend. Yeah. I have to take a chance, even if this guy kills me, cause I'm sure based off what you look like, you probably have like some Guido, like convict, murderer, Brooklyn, Italian boyfriend, which I was right. Volleyball playing too. Yep. My stepdad found out that some lady was getting married that he used to have a huge crush on. And he went over, he was at a bar or something that night. He found out, she's got engaged and he drove over to the house and went up on her porch, like in the middle of the night and said, look, I got all these feelings for you and blah, blah, blah. And she didn't care.

Starting point is 00:20:20 Right. And while he was up there, somebody burned his car in the party street and set his car on fire. So he was there and literally his car is burning, which is a horrible look if you're trying to tell somebody like that you're the guy for them. Right. It's just like. And then you come back with a bicycle. Yeah, you're not the guy. No way, dude. You're not the guy. Your car set on fire. Yeah, I don't know what happened. Either he left a cigarette in the dash or something had happened, you know, online shopping isn't slowing down anytime soon. That's right. It's here to stay. Fortunately or unfortunately, I kind of miss the old days, but the old days are just that is your business ready to keep up the pace with new, you know, with the updated online shopping.

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Starting point is 00:23:44 So, so, you know, she says I got a boyfriend and I said, I can't, I won't be deterred, not on this one. So I said, you know what, I'm, I'm just going to have to stick around and fight this out. And I, and for like an hour, I would, you know, kept drinking and I was just like, you know what, man, like I got, and I know she was talking to the bartender. And so the bartender was turned out to be one of her close friends, still is one of her close friends. And so I said to the bartender, I said, what, what is it going to, what is it going to take for me? What is it going to take for me to get this, your friend to like look at me and notice me? I was like, does she really have a boyfriend? And she was like, I can't answer that. And I was like, oh,

Starting point is 00:24:17 so they're playing games. Mystery. She may not have a boyfriend. What's it called? A misdirect? No, I think it's called like a turn of events, a turn of events. So she says, I can't, I can't answer that. I said, well, what's it going to take? And she was like, she's, she's, she loves dancing. She was like, and she's Puerto Rico. Like you got to come up with some type of. Yeah, they love dancing. Like you got to dance. Like, do you know how to do bachata? And I said, I'm going to try. Yeah. So I Googled bachata and I told them, I told, because she had the music, you know, she's a bartender. I said, let me go, let me, let me look at some shit. Let me YouTube a couple steps. Let me YouTube some stuff. And so I said, and my boy was like, yo, dude, remember that scene

Starting point is 00:24:55 and along came Polly when Ben Stiller started dancing Spanish. And that's how he got his woman. So we watched that scene and I played that song from that movie. No. Yes. So I played that song and I'm like, I'm just going to come up to her and dance with her. And then, yeah, bro, this is fucking getting good. Yeah, dude. So she said, so, so, so the bartender was like, I'm going to play that song for you and you come up with those dance moves. Were you scared? Yeah, bro. I was mad nervous. Did you go outside and warm up or did you just warm up right? I was drinking. So I was like having fun with it. You know, I was like, whatever, dude, this is going to be great. Yeah. And you got nothing to lose because you're sitting there with a drink

Starting point is 00:25:31 with an Irish man. Yeah, dude. A couple of Irish men actually. Yeah. So I start. So they, they played that song. Nothing's further from them being happily married than sitting somewhere with two Irish people drinking. Yeah, dude. That is the complete opposite of it. Yeah. So, so, oh, dude, and two Irish men listening to the Mets games with the headphones on, like, you know, like they're watching the Mets game. Like they were trying to get the Mets score. Yeah. And, and, and so I just did that. I did that dance, played that song. She kind of giggled and she goes, and she goes, that was a nice attempt. She goes, that was a nice attempt. And she goes, how about this? I'll tell you my name. So she tells me her name. And I was like, okay. And she goes, and then what I almost,

Starting point is 00:26:12 it almost was like it was a setup, but I swear to God, it wasn't. I had been on a show on MTV called Guy Code and Girl Code, which is relatively still popular at that time. Yeah, I remember Jesse May and the other. Carly and Andrew Schultz and all those guys, guys and girls. So, so I, I, somebody came up to me and wanted a picture with me from that show. And then she was like, why do they want a picture with you? And I was like, oh, I'm on a show on, on, it's on MTV. And she was like, how old are you? I was like 30. And she was like, can you still aren't watching MTV? And I was like, no, I'm not watching it. I'm just on the show. Yeah. Yeah. That's just a, that's just, that's fine, man. You're not a bad guy. That's just a business choice.

Starting point is 00:26:54 I was like, I was like, I, you know, I needed, I'm just, I'm working. Yeah. I'm working. She said that to Puerto Rican. Yeah. She said that to me. She was like, you, what do you want? Right. And so I said, I'm just working. They trust a lot of television. Puerto Ricans are more, they're more real life. Yes. Yeah. Like if I was working at a gas station or something like that, that'd be more like, this is my kind of guy. Right. But so she was like, okay. And then she said, she said, what's the show? And I told her, she goes, all right, maybe I'll look it up one day. And I was like, okay. Take forever, dude. She's so vague. We only have a lifetime.

Starting point is 00:27:27 I know, dude. So then she goes, so then she goes, um, she was like fucking with me. So she goes, um, she goes, all right. She goes, look, she goes, I'm leaving. She goes, I gotta, I gotta get home. She goes, I gotta get home to my son. So that was, so when she said that, got the S bomb, dropped the S bomb. So in my heart, my heart, I said, I said, I said, if you get, I said, because already then I said, okay. I said, the first thing I said, I said, is that you have a son with your boyfriend? She goes, no. And I said, so is the, is the son's father around? I said, is he deceased? And she was like, why would you want him to be deceased? I was like, I don't. I was just,

Starting point is 00:28:07 I was just hoping that he was so I could step in and be a stepdad. Like I just said that immediately. And she was like, you're like crazy. And I was like, yeah. And she was like, and she was like, he's still in the picture. I was like, okay. So when she said that to me, I already felt in fear to him. So I said to myself in my heart and head at that moment, I said, the first time I've sex with this woman, I'm not pulling out. I need to get her pregnant too to even the playing field. That's how nuts I was. You went full Puerto Rican. And that's eventually what I did. FYI. No way. I met her. I met her. I met her in August of 2014. We conceived the, uh, j- uh, July of 2014. My daughter Delilah was conceived in August.

Starting point is 00:28:43 I have a six and a half. 2014. Yeah, dude. Wow. My daughter was born in May of 2015. Wow. So, so, so you purposely impregnated her 1000% because I felt so inferior to this guy. I didn't even know. And I was like, this is the woman of my dreams. I'm going to play hardball. I need this. He's got one on the board. I'm going to get one on the board. I said, yeah. And now I got two on the board. Now I got a second kid. So now I'm like two to one mother. So it's psychotic. This is how I live my life. So, so I, I kind of like this dude. I went all in because everyone was like, you're crazy. And I was like, I feel like I'm going to Uber X with no brakes. Yeah, dude. I was like, yeah, maybe I am. So then finally, I'll never forget,

Starting point is 00:29:23 I was at Minnesota at Target Field. I was at the MLB All-Star game, watching the game Derek Jeter's final MLB All-Star game, a huge Yankees fan. I get a message from a Instagram message from an account I wasn't sure of. And it was just a dog laying on the floor like this, just a, it looked like a dead dog. So I was like, this is weird. This is wild. And then it said, it said, this is me giving in. She said, this is me giving in. Wow. And she goes, and she gave me her phone number besides the last digit. She goes, so she was really, I mean, making me work. Like that would be a memento or whatever.

Starting point is 00:30:00 Yes. She gave me the last digit. So I went through all the digits and went through all of them. And I just texted this number and I just kept trying that digit until fine. Yeah. And most of them were like, who is this? Some of them were other languages. Somebody sent me back Chinese symbols. And then fine. Yeah. So I was like, could that be her? I was like, jazz? So then finally I got the digit. The last digit was actually a zero. I'd started at one, like an idiot. And then, and so zero, I just started with zero and nailed it on the first try. So I finally got her and she said, look, she broke down. She was like, I have a son. I'm not looking for anything serious. But you know, she goes, you seem like a funny guy.

Starting point is 00:30:39 She was like, I looked up your stuff. It's pretty funny. She was like, I was the guy that I was with. She was like, it was, it was a casual, stupid thing. She was like, if you want to take me out, you know, I have to make arrangements for my son. I'm free, you know, next Saturday. Now, was there a lot of pressure? Because if somebody says they got a son and then, because you're almost like, if you take somebody out that has a son, you got to have a little bit more of a plan or like be real serious. Yeah. Well, he was three at the time. And when I opened the door, when she opened the door for me, you know, he showed up in his karate outfit. No. He had a karate outfit on with his orange belt.

Starting point is 00:31:12 Oh my God. And he was holding this. He probably had hatred. Or why would he have, why would he be dressed like that? I was saying he was holding a Mott's apple juice, just looking at me. And why was he dressed like that? Because I think he just wanted to let him know, like, let me know that he knows karate if I mess with his mom. Fuck, that's crazy, isn't it? Isn't that crazy? It's crazy, dude. And I've since, you know, he's my step son now. He lives with me. So he, so he's, you know, Jasmine has since told me like, yeah, he put that on when I told him

Starting point is 00:31:36 mommy's going to go out with a friend and she, he was like, his name is a guy. And when she said yes, then he put it on. Every time he smells apples, she just breaks a board in the living room. Yeah. And he, you know, he's still ice grills the shit out of me. Every time I give him his breakfast and stuff. He's still like, dude, never forget you ain't my dad. So you took her out. Where'd you take her? So that's what happened. So I took her out. Because this is good for me, man, because I want to be in love, you know.

Starting point is 00:31:59 So I want to know how, what do I do to get there? So what happened was, is I took her, I took her to, at that time, I was performing at a place called Maguire's Comedy Club at the end of Long Island. That's the Saturday. I said, listen, would you like to come to a comedy show? I picked her up. I had a Toyota Corolla, but it was a nice one. But it was a nice one, dude. It was like a 2000. Do they have a nice one? It was a 2014 at automatic windows. A lot of them have the rollers,

Starting point is 00:32:26 but I had automatic windows at the time and locks. Right when she's walking out of the car, do you do all four windows down? It's just show where they all do it? Yeah. Well, no, I got out of the car. I rang the bell like proper gentleman. I had a rose for her that I bought from the Chinese man on the corner. Yes. I had a rose for her and she was like, that's sweet. And I was like, thanks. And then I told her, I was like, this isn't my real car. And she was like, where's your real car? I was like, it's up here.

Starting point is 00:32:48 I was like, we're going to get my real car. Like I was being honest, but I was, I was like saying like, this is a, just stay with me because I'm telling you I'm going places, right? But I was like, we're in a Toyota now, but stay with me. I was like, and there's nobody out this show, but I was like, trust me, one day I'm going to have a gold bracelet. Did you really tell her all this? I swear to God. I was like, and she was like, you don't have to build yourself up. She was like, I think it's cool. You do comedy. I think it's brave. She was like, I don't care if you have a Toyota, like it's a nice car.

Starting point is 00:33:13 Yeah. She's like, I have a son. Yeah. She was like, whatever. Yeah. She was like, I take the bus to work. She was like, I have a tattoo on my tit. Like this is nice, you know? So I said, which is, she has a butterfly tattoo on her tip and, but I love that. So, so she said, um, so, so we go out there, we go to the show and, uh, it was in like a shopping mall. Oh yeah. Nobody there. Oh, that's tough. It's tough. And that's tough to bring a girl to a place that used to be like a radio shack or whatever. Did you get to during the day? Yeah, it was bad. It was, and yeah, it was next to a diner.

Starting point is 00:33:43 So it was bad. So, but I had a pretty decent set for about 15 people in Bohemia, New York and Suffolk County, Long Island. I had a pretty decent set. And I said, at the end of the set, I said, I want you guys to, I want to introduce you to my new girl. And I said, I said, let's bring up to the stage, Ms. Jasmine. Yeah. And she couldn't believe that I did that. And she was in the back. Like she was like, I'm not going on stage. I was like, I was like, baby, come on stage with me. I was like, I was like, come over here, come on stage. Let's walk into the future. Yes. And then she walked up the stairs and people, you know, the guy was like, whew, like whistling at or whatever. And I was like, who was that black guy? No, man, it's my crowd, no blacks.

Starting point is 00:34:26 So it was Bohemia, Long Island, you know, they can only go to a certain point on Long Island. Oh, really? Yeah. That can get real urban after a certain. Yeah, you can't do it. Yeah. I'm kidding, by the way. I have a very cultured, diverse fan base. It's like a community college. Same. I was just wondering who would do the whistle. I'm trying to think. No, Italian guys. So it was Italian. Yeah. Italian guys will whistle. She's Puerto Rican, beautiful girl. Italian sauce brothers, basically. Yes. The sauce brothers. So they, so I gave her a kiss right there on the lips, dude, a fucking tap. I'm in front of everyone. Yeah, dude, I put the pressure on. It'd be, I'd be in prison for that today. You know, it was forced and all that. Yeah,

Starting point is 00:35:00 but that was 2014. There were no rules back then. You know what I mean? It was still the wild, wild west. Yeah. You can do whatever you want. Maybe a me too. 100% me too. And maybe it still will come back to be. We'll see if she writes a book. So, so I, I, I kissed her and then we got back in the car and I was like, was that crazy that I did that? She was like, it was, but she was like, I liked it. You're brave. And I was like, wow. So then I drove her back home. I drove her back home. And I said, and I said, listen, I said, I'm not going to come upstairs. And she was like, don't even fuck around with me. She's like, you're not coming upstairs. I was like, I just want to let you know, I'm the one telling you I'm not that kind of guy. She was

Starting point is 00:35:36 like laughing or whatever. Wow. Then the second date, which was two days later, I took her to a fat Joe concert at, yes. Yeah. Leave it back. Leave it back. And I had known fat Joe because we were co-hosting a show for a major league baseball at the time. So he brought me on stage and brought her backstage and, you know, Puerto Rican connection. So then I was like, You're so fat Joe's Puerto Rican. Yeah. Fat Joe's Puerto Rican, Jasmine's Puerto Rican. I was like, we're gonna have sex tonight. I was like, we're gonna have sex tonight. So that first night though, dude, I was so nervous and so enamored by her love and who she was that I couldn't get my penis. Yeah. I was just smushing my penis. I've been like that since I was 11.

Starting point is 00:36:14 I couldn't get it up, man. Nothing, dude. I was even trying to watch sports center and everything. And my dick would not get hard, bro. Did I remember drawing a hard dick and showing it to my day? Yeah, dude. Yeah. And I wouldn't do it. I could not get hard, man. I was doing that. I was watching the William Sisters. Like a Rorschach ski chart or whatever you're saying. Rorschach. Yeah. I just couldn't get it up. And then she got embarrassed for herself. She was like, is it mean? Like what's going on? I was like, no, you're so, I was like, you're almost so beautiful and I'm so into you that it's having a counter balance effect. And she was like, oh man. And I was like, this isn't, I was like, I'm embarrassed. And she was

Starting point is 00:36:47 like, I'm embarrassed for you. Like, I'm ready to go. But she said, I'm ready to go. She was like, I'm drinking. No, she was, no, no, I'm ready to go, ready to have sex. She's like, I've been drinking in Bacardi all night. You just made a fat Joe like, I'm ready to go. Like, you know what I mean? Like, I won my good. She told you that point. She said, she was like, you just made a fat Joe. I did take her to Sabarro's, but that was the only thing. I know, lady. I want to have sex too. Yeah, but I wouldn't get out. I know, I know. I know. And my balls are so long that like when I, when I have like a soft penis like that, like it looked like, looked like I have an issue down there. And, and, and I hadn't shaved my pubes. So she was a little bit like, are you ready?

Starting point is 00:37:22 Are you not? She's like, your balls are like hanging passion. He caps you have a full bush and you can't get your dick hard. You know, like, like, so like, I have long nuts. Yeah. So maybe God, but, but I said, I got a devil's mistletoe, son. Yo, so I said to her, I said, can I just cause she, cause her son wasn't with her son. I guess was with her, his father that night. She had, she had had the night. So I said, you know, nothing like, I said, will you mind something double dragon conference? Probably. Yeah. So I was ready to go. And some was, yeah, buying a K 47. So you're at her place. No, she's at my place. Okay. And she's staying over. So now she's staying over. Cause I said to her,

Starting point is 00:38:02 I said, can I convince you to stay? Cause she was like, maybe I'll just go, whatever, like, give you some time to say, even if, even if I can't get it right. Yes. Because what I knew, what I was counting on was morning wood. I said, at least I know for a fact, every day, since I've been 12, I wake up with a heart. I normally want to, I pee it out. I always pee out my morning wood. But I said, I'm going to try to have sex with her. Even, even if, even if what comes out is just pissed, even if I pee in her vagina, at least I got it hard and I could show her what's up. Cause when I'm hard, I'm very decent. And I have a, like, I've been told one of the best circumcisions like people I've ever seen, not one mistake, do not a scar, nothing.

Starting point is 00:38:37 And if I get a couple of words or two, it looks like that, uh, like Charlie Brown shirt kind of a little, the cut, you know? Yeah. So that's what I'm saying. So I have a nice, so I was like, when I get it up, man, it's good. You got that eyes out, dance, smooth skin. It's a little red at the tip. Like it's nice and really white. Like, you know, I gotta redo mine, I guess. I want to get my foreskin put back on. Oh really? My mother still has it. My mother has my foreskin and my first poop and my first hair for my first haircut in a box underneath my childhood bed, which has remained untouched. You almost would think I'm dead because she hasn't changed my room since I left. Wow. So I said, that's my only hope. I can't believe she did that. The morning wood.

Starting point is 00:39:18 So I woke up, she had to wake up and go to work. So she set the alarm at 7am. Oh, an alarm. Here's my thing. Alarm makes my dick soft. Really? Yeah. So I have to like, I just like any like alerts or anything. You know, I can't do it. If there's broken glass in the room. Can't do it. Can't do it. So I said to her, I was ready to go. I said, so I said, you know what, I'm just going to have to do this. So I just went down. I just went down. I just went down. But are you erect yet? Or are you just hoping it gets hard while you're down there? No, it was fully erect. Oh, wow. And then it started to go down a little bit because starts to get nervous while I was going down in her. So I just started dry humping my bed.

Starting point is 00:39:56 I just started dry humping my bed to make sure. So while I'm going down, I'm dry humping my bed and she's like, are you having a seizure? I'm like, no, no, no, don't worry about it. Like, and then I just popped up and I put it in and, you know, it was like, you know, I was like, oh, shit, I'm in. And then it felt like, you know, then I was in there and then I had to pee and I knew every time when I, if I, if I masturbate, I had sex with a woman and I hadn't peed and, and I was, I came, I would get some type of infection, not chlamydia, like some type of UTI or something. I said, I'm going to get a UTI, but I said, you know what, man? I said, I have to level the playing field with this guy. So I'm going to not pull out. So I didn't pull out.

Starting point is 00:40:33 And you ejaculated. Yes. And I ejaculated. But how did you get the ejaculation past the urine? It just, just will, man. Wow. Just pure will. I believed it could happen. So I pushed out and I filled her up with, with peeing. Did you tell her you were going to? She, she, she was like, I was like, I'm going to come, I'm going to come. And she was like, and then she was like, oh, you know, like went to like push me off. And I just, you know, you stayed on. Yeah. Because it felt so good. And she was like,

Starting point is 00:41:00 what the fuck? And I was like, I'm sorry, you know, whatever. And she was like, well, let's go get, you know, the pill. And I said, yes, of course. So we go get it. The same day. Yeah. Right away. Gosh, y'all had a lot of time left over then if she had to go to work. Ready for this though? Yeah. We're driving in the CVS, right? In the Corolla. In the Corolla. 10 minutes. It's a 10 minute drive. We're in the Corolla. About minute eight.

Starting point is 00:41:22 Yeah. You know what she says to me? She goes, I'm pregnant. And I said, you're not pregnant. She goes, I've been pregnant before. I'm fucking telling you. I'm pregnant. She goes, I just got lightheaded out of nowhere. I think the sperm, I think your sperm just hit my egg. And I was like, no way. That's impossible. It's like this is your brain on drugs. Yeah. Like she was, I was like, like a direct hit, like a fucking bullseye. Yeah. And she goes, she goes, I'm pregnant. I was like, you're not. So she goes, so we go get the pills. She takes it. I saw her take it, whatever.

Starting point is 00:41:52 We go and she got, and she was like, listen, it happens, whatever. She's like, I'd love to see you again. Like I'm actually starting to like you. So now I'm like, holy shit. Did she take the pill there in real time or you let her leave with the pill? No, no. She took it like, she took it in real time. Yeah. She dropped it down and yeah. Why dude? Because she wanted to take the pill. Like, you know, I mean, I want, you know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:42:11 So that was, that was August. Okay. Okay. September 11th, 2014. I was doing a show at sidesplitters in Tampa. Shout out Tampa, the owner, the owner of that comedy club. I remember that night had told me I just punched a woman in the face in the parking lot the night before and he was proud of that. They do that. Yeah. So I remember, I remember that's what I remember. That's Tampa dude. That's a Tampa national anthem.

Starting point is 00:42:31 He goes, you want to see the footage? I knocked some woman out in the parking lot the other night. I was like, yeah. He was like, yeah. I was like, great. Then he goes, I bet your whole paycheck. You can't make me laugh on the Saturday late show. I was like, what the fuck dude? I was like, you're a dirtbag criminal.

Starting point is 00:42:47 So yeah. And then he put it. The comedy condo, he had put me and Damien Lemon. Shout out Damien Lemon. The comedy condo, he had put me and Damien Lemon at, had a tooth in the sink. Oh. Yeah. So we had called our manager and we got out. You know, we got a, we got a, found a nice hotel room in Clearwater, but it had a tooth in the sink.

Starting point is 00:43:02 Oh, yeah. So it was disgusting. The fucking Dexter suite. Yeah. And there were two of us and one of us had to sleep on a pull out sofa. Yeah. So, so, so that's September 11th, 2014. I'm down there. I was talking, I was talking to Jasmine a lot, you know, but had no plans for her to come to Tampa.

Starting point is 00:43:19 And she called me that morning, September 11th. She goes, she goes, hey, I was thinking I'm going to come out to Tampa. Like, you know, it's be cool to be in Florida. I said, yeah, come on, you know, come out, you know, whatever. She was like, I'm going to come out. I'm going to, I'm going to see if I can make it there for your, for your late show. I'm going to get a flight right now.

Starting point is 00:43:32 It was a great, I was like, this is awesome. Like, I'm, you know, not thinking anything. Any dove in talking a little bit. Yeah. Oh, yeah, no, we were talking still, you know, every day, every other day. You know, she has a family and whatever. And I was like, yeah. So finally she gets there and she looked beautiful. I came off stage that night and she was like gorgeous tan.

Starting point is 00:43:49 Amen. I look good back then. Like I did. I wasn't evening. I'm like, I'm 241 pounds now. Back then I was about two or nine. Clothes to wear. You know what I'm talking about?

Starting point is 00:43:58 No, but I'll sing it with you. It just reminds me. It's like a romance song. So yeah, go to a party. Oh yeah. I know that song. Yeah. But I don't know any of the words after that.

Starting point is 00:44:10 Everyone stop as this. Yeah. You're singing it like you're deaf. I like it. I think it's all I got, man. Yeah, dude. I'm tone deaf. They don't literally tone deaf.

Starting point is 00:44:23 Yeah. So. Okay. So you get off stage. She's there. She's there. Beautiful. So do they have a nice green room there?

Starting point is 00:44:28 No, it's a shit hole. No, you stand in the back of the bar. They don't have a green room. Right. There's just, you can see all the tubes coming out of those boxes. Does that do the soda thing? Yeah, dude. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:44:37 And that guy was just. Oh my God. It's a Corolla. Yeah, it's Pat, dude. And the owners back there just beating the shit out of women. Yeah. Yeah. I was just like, what is happening?

Starting point is 00:44:48 So I said, so I was like, wow, you're here. And she goes, yes. And then she had lined up three shots. She was like, you got to do shots. And I was like, this is fucking awesome. We're going to have sex again tonight. And I'm like, great. I said, I got a nice hotel.

Starting point is 00:44:59 And we could see the bay, you know, whatever. So we go back. We have fun, me, her and Damien go out to a Bob Evans. After that, we got some food. And then we have some fun. Yeah. And then we go, we go back to my hotel room, get back to my hotel room.

Starting point is 00:45:14 And she's like. And is Damien hanging around too much or he gets it? Nah, Damien gets it. He's like, I'm going to leave you two to be. He's always that weird guy. I was like, hey, I'll come to your room and let's play a game. Damien's cool as shit, bro. He knows what's going on.

Starting point is 00:45:27 Yeah. Yeah. Damien was like, just let me listen. Let's you're going to hold my wiener up to keep it hard, bro. I don't need you coming up here. Let's you're going to stand under it like this. Yeah, dude. Nah, Damien knew what was up.

Starting point is 00:45:38 Good guy. Nice guy. So I hadn't even thought of, because, you know, the birth control, the morning after pill was like an afterthought because it's like, you know, she had taken it. I was like, nobody's thinking anything. I wasn't thinking anything.

Starting point is 00:45:49 And she didn't, what happened? She didn't swallow it? No, she did. She did. So, but she comes on September 11th. We were in the hotel room that night and she goes, she, I go to use the bathroom and she says, when I come out, she has a pregnancy test that's positive.

Starting point is 00:46:09 And she goes, and she goes, she goes, this is your baby. She goes, here's the thing. She goes, I don't, you know, really want to do this. I have a son. She goes, I told you in the car I was pregnant, that birth, the morning after pill didn't work. She was like, I told you, I told you. She goes, so, you know, you have your career, your life.

Starting point is 00:46:27 I think you're a nice guy. I've had a lovely time with you. I would love to even continue to see you. She's like, but I'm not going to have another child like this. You know, she's like, I already have a child to, a son to deal with that. I'm not with her, his dad. What does she mean in Long Island?

Starting point is 00:46:41 Huh? What does she mean, like have another child on Long Island? No, I think she meant like have another child with a guy who maybe doesn't want to get married or maybe like that. Or maybe she didn't mean, I don't want to have a child with a guy who lives in the five boroughs. That sounds like a human sewer cap. Maybe she said that.

Starting point is 00:46:57 That's possible. Because her ex, her son's father does sound and look a lot like me. Oh, he does. Yes. She has white children. She's made that very clear. She's only going to procreate with white men

Starting point is 00:47:07 and that's just her prerogative. Yeah. So if you're not white, you can hook up with her, but she will not bury your children. That's her, that's her words. Yeah, everybody has the one thing. She's Puerto Rican. She likes that macadamia nut.

Starting point is 00:47:18 That's what she said. She was like, yeah. So she was like, I want my kids to have psoriasis. So I said, I said to her, I said to her, you're pregnant, it's 100% mine. And she goes, yes, it's 100% yours, obviously. And I was like, I was like, OK. And then I had that moment in my head

Starting point is 00:47:37 where I was like, I'm 30 years old. I willingly did this. I have my career, not where I want it to be, but I was like, things seem to go in the right direction. I have my education. I said, I was irresponsible by acting in the moment and deciding not to pull out. I had to pull out and do that

Starting point is 00:47:54 because I was feeling inferior to another. I created all these dumb things in my head because I'm nuts. I said, no, I said to her, I said, look, I said, I would love to have this child, even though I know I barely know you. We don't know anybody. You don't know my family.

Starting point is 00:48:08 I don't know yours. I said, there could be a million red flags for the both of us. I was like, but I would love to be a father to this child. I was like, I don't know if you and I would work out. I don't know if you'll hate me or like me. I don't know. I said, but I know for a fact,

Starting point is 00:48:20 like I will make this child like my whole life. Like I promise you that will happen. Sounds so Japanese all of a sudden. Yeah, dude. Yeah, I dropped a fucking nuke in her. So I said, so I said, I said, I will do that. And she was like, let me think about it. Let me think about it.

Starting point is 00:48:37 Oh my God. And then we woke up the next morning. This is like on Joe dirt. Whenever that thing happens, he's fucking at the sewer system or whatever. And he's drinking shit out of a can. And he's like, and brandy wouldn't touch my dick. You know, and they laugh me at them.

Starting point is 00:48:51 We'll be right back. Okay. Yeah. So she said, so we won't think about it. We woke up the next morning. We were in Florida in Tampa Bay. Woke up the next morning and there was a pelican on our balcony. And I was like, that's a stork.

Starting point is 00:49:04 I was like, that's a stork. Even though I knew it wasn't. I was like, that's a stork. Yeah. And because she, you know, she doesn't understand pelicans and storks. She was like, that's a sign then. That's a mess stork.

Starting point is 00:49:14 I said, that's our baby right there. That's stork. Wow. And she was like, if you're going to be a good dad and you promise me that you'll, then we can do it. Wow. And you did it.

Starting point is 00:49:23 And we did. And that's the best. And that's why I now in retrospect, even though I love her and, you know, she's always be a part of my life. I think what I was seeing when I met her that day at place to beach, I was really seeing my child. That's what I was thinking like a life thing.

Starting point is 00:49:39 Like it was, because it was, it was a, it was a, still I've never felt that way about any woman. Like, well, right. Stopped on my tracks like this woman is like, I felt like this woman's going to be like my life. And that's what it's turned out. Like I'm forever linked to her now. We have two children.

Starting point is 00:49:50 It doesn't matter what happens between us and things are going good between us, but it doesn't matter whatever the future holds. It's like we, we're linked forever. So, and then we broke up. We broke up. Like we were co-parenting for years. And then the pandemic happened and we got back together.

Starting point is 00:50:06 First time we had sex, we have now a second daughter, my seventh month old daughter, Violet. So now, so, so, so it's just locked in like that. And I think when you're talking about love, what I will say is that I feel like now, like I never went looking for it. Like at all, it kind of just organically happened. And I don't know necessarily what being in love is

Starting point is 00:50:30 or what all those, I think it's different things to different people. Yeah. But I know that they'll never be, me and Jasmine may not always be together, that may or may not happen, but they'll never be a woman. Like she will always be priority number one in my life,

Starting point is 00:50:44 no matter what. You know, and my daughters of course, you know, my children are my children, but that's a different thing than talking about as a grown adult woman. She'll always be priority number one. Wow. Like I'd kill my mom before I killed her,

Starting point is 00:50:55 or if I was gonna, I'd killed them both at the exact same time. Yeah. But I never kill my kids, but I would kill my stepson. Yeah. Yeah. But probably not.

Starting point is 00:51:03 He'll probably kill me first. Yeah, well. I was just kidding. I would never kill any of my stepson or my children. I don't think I could kill anyone actually. I don't think I could kill anyone. You could. No, because I am very...

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Starting point is 00:52:33 and I didn't think I was going to be able to, because I had negative credit issues, things that had happened. Something hadn't paid this. This had happened. I'd never gotten this bill, and that had happened. Well, I got my credit repaired before I applied for my loan,

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Starting point is 00:53:49 will contact you. They helped me. They can help you. Well, here's advice that I just received. Okay. I just received advice. So I have a character on my podcast, on the Chrissy K.S. podcast called TT Jerry.

Starting point is 00:54:02 Yeah, I know who TT Jerry is. So TT Jerry is, if you guys listen to the Chrissy K.S. podcast, TT Jerry is Jasmine's godfather who's transgender, who's been in prison for 25 years, was son of Sam's prison bitch, as she describes, for many years. Also had sex with son of Sam, had sex with the Amityville massacre,

Starting point is 00:54:25 the Amityville horror house. You never heard of that, the Amityville? It's a guy's name Patrick or something. No, his name was Ronald DeFeo. Ronald. Yeah. TT said that he used to let, she would let him jerk off to her. They were right next.

Starting point is 00:54:37 So, you know, she had a knack for killers. And so she told me those 25 years in prison, she told me recently on the podcast, she said, if you went to prison, what I would tell you, if you ever went to prison, what you needed to do is immediately say that you're trans. You would immediately need to start taking estrogen pills. I'm not saying you have to cut your penis off,

Starting point is 00:54:57 but you should take estrogen pills because then they will move you to the transgender part of the prison and you're safe there. Because you said, if you go with the general population men, they're going to rape you and kill you probably immediately. She was like, so I would start to claim your trans and start taking estrogen pills immediately. So that's just a little word of advice out there.

Starting point is 00:55:12 And biotin too. Yeah, because I bite my nails. And I got to grow my hair, that's what you're saying. Yeah, or they say that that's good for women also. Biotin? Biotin, biotin. I think it's called biotin. Yeah, she told me to take estrogen to fully start growing.

Starting point is 00:55:27 Yeah, she knows. Look, yeah, I shouldn't have said anything. But now that she's in our life, she's really helped us, me and Jasmine, through some of our problems we've been having. She's helped us because she's like, hey, I've actually been in prison. I've actually been in solitary confinement.

Starting point is 00:55:40 Don't make your life a prison when you guys are free. Just support each other. You have two beautiful children. Don't have, you guys make up, you put yourselves in these prisons. She's like, I was, for real, federally incarcerated. Wow. So don't do that.

Starting point is 00:55:51 So that was a big thing. But about the love thing is I think if you don't look for it, I do believe love, this is gay and I love cock when my dad's asleep. But what it is is if love finds you, you don't find it. I think the people that go looking for it, it's a forced thing. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:56:09 Yeah, yeah. And also who would be better, who better to do relationship advice than somebody that's trans, somebody that has a relationship going on inside of their body? I was going to say that, that she sees both sides. She comes out from both sides. Dude, why are we not using trans people to help us do marital advice

Starting point is 00:56:25 and support? Because they are a man and a woman. They, nobody could have sorted out at once than the original recipe. And sometimes the best times at TT Jerry is when sometimes she goes like Minotaur. She goes half man, half woman. Sometimes she'll be wearing like-

Starting point is 00:56:38 And what, sharpens her feet? No, no, I remember one, recently she was wearing one of my sweatshirts from the Denver Comedy Works. Oh, they're nice. They do that. Yeah, she was wearing my sweatshirt from Denver Comedy Works and Jasmine's High Heels and my six-year-old daughter's pants.

Starting point is 00:56:51 So she was, she was fully like, it was crazy, you know? Because that's the thing about dating a Puerto Rican woman is, you know, when I'm folding their laundry, I don't know what clothes are my six-year-old daughter's and what clothes is their mother's. Oh, the whole culture is bedazzled. Because they wear very tight clothes, small clothes. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:57:06 You know? And the good thing about Janet is her mother's beautiful. So you know, like long-term, you know, because my father's a very, my father's a very weird-looking man. I saw faces of him. He looks like he's upside down. Like he's, he's got different parts.

Starting point is 00:57:18 Like he almost looks like he was assembled when God was drunk. You know, I don't know God was doing something. I think we can see him on your Instagram as well. Yeah, yeah, he's a hideous-looking man, Tampa Tony. So Jasmine has brought that up. Like, you know, you're going to really fall apart soon. You know, my dad looks like Fred Flintstone.

Starting point is 00:57:32 Yeah. So, but Jasmine's mom is beautiful. So yeah, I recently posted him, if you look at his name is Tampa Tony. There you go, to the right. So if you see, he looks like, you know, a lot of people think he's special needs. And, you know, you can't smile, can he?

Starting point is 00:57:46 Yeah. And he can't smile. And, you know, he's wearing diabetic socks. And he was in Tampa last night. I was at the Tampa Theater and he was telling, he was asking girls to look at his Tampa socks. He said, how's my drip on these Tampa socks? But yeah. So that's my father. So he's not, you know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:58:00 He's kind of looks like he's, he's fallen apart and he's got a lazy eye. So I get when Jasmine's like, I don't want to be with you long-term because that's what I will turn into. He gets a little Shawshanker on the boots. He definitely seemed like he has that fresh out of prison stance.

Starting point is 00:58:13 He wears referee sneakers. A lot of people don't know how to stand when they get out of prison. Yeah. So that's how my dad is. So, and, but here, Katherine Narduchie likes it. She's from Goodfellas. That's beautiful. She's the wife from Goodfellas.

Starting point is 00:58:24 So shout out Katherine Narduchie. That's cool, man. So, so yeah, dude. So I think, so I think, I think, I will say that having a family, having, yeah, he's good, man. He's got one of the tiniest penises you've ever seen in your life, man. Tiniest?

Starting point is 00:58:36 Truthfully, man, where it's like, it was a little bit of a thing where I used to think my dad just was balls. Like, because we would take showers as, you know, take a shower at your dad once in a while. And, and really truthfully, like I'm very blessed. I don't have his penis, very blessed. I remember taking a shower at my dad

Starting point is 00:58:52 because that was probably 76 or something, 75 when I shot, 74 maybe when I shot with him. I don't know. What year was your dad born? 1910. 1910. So did he fight in World War II? No.

Starting point is 00:59:05 Or World War I. Did he, was he a late, late addition? He was born in Nicaragua. He didn't have a, he didn't have a. They were neutral. American war. I think, I mean, they were having. Is he Nicaraguan?

Starting point is 00:59:16 He's half Nicaraguan. So his mother was, I guess. But he had people like we're eating dirt in his village and stuff like that. Right. 76 years old. It was pretty sad. He said it was pretty sad, but people were eating dirt. But, um.

Starting point is 00:59:30 Yeah, no, I know, dude. So I think that, dude, I think, you know, if this was about love today, I think that, um, I will say this, I will say that having a family, it does make all my problems that I used to complain about. Yes. Seem very minuscule. Like I don't care about, like I love comedy.

Starting point is 00:59:47 It's my career. It's, but I don't get all bent out of shape. If I don't get an audition, if I don't sell this many, if I don't do that, I'm like, yo, I just go play with my kids, man. Like my kids, your kids bring you back. I think you have to have something that grounds you. I'm not saying you have to have a husband,

Starting point is 01:00:00 a wife and kids, but you have to have something that gets you outside of your work. Like Japanese people, they are so identified. They are, they have Japanese people have a very, very high suicide rate for people over 65. Because when they retire, they usually kill themselves because they were just identified by their job. So I identify myself as, you know, a father.

Starting point is 01:00:18 And then like, then the other stuff is comedy and this and that. But I think having the kids, it's actually a saving grace because I don't, the problems that I just, even like old relationships, I just don't care. I'm like, like even I have a friend right now, he's going through, he's like agonizing over it. Should he get a divorce from his wife or not?

Starting point is 01:00:36 But they have no children. I'm like, buddy, do it. It'll be over in an hour for you. Like you don't even have kids, man. Like just get out of it. You're making, you're putting yourself in this prison. Like you don't have children. If you have children, it's a lot harder.

Starting point is 01:00:49 If you don't have children, it's like, just move on with your life. For me and Jazzy, it's been harder times because we're like, we're going to walk away from your kids. Like, you know, my six year old daughter says, when you're not here, I get scared, daddy. So what am I going to do? I'm going to go stay in a Ramada

Starting point is 01:01:02 because I want to get some side posts. No, you can't do that. You got to go in the guest bathroom and jerk off because I'm not going to have my kids scared and I'm going to be in the Ramada with a side piece. Would you wait till you're turned to sleep before you'd masturbate for sure? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:01:16 And I know we can legally talk about that. Can we? What do you mean? Isn't it insane to talk about that? No. Yeah. You know, you never masturbate in front of your kids, of course, but. No. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:01:24 And why would you even say that out loud? That's kind of. I mean, it's they're my kids. And actually they were it. Yeah. So it's like, yeah, it's just taking them back to the whole shop. You know, you know, the government getting involved

Starting point is 01:01:36 in family matters is a very new thing. For most of American history, the government could not get involved in a family matter. Like if you killed your wife, that was up to the family. If they wanted to, if the family said, hey, we want to prosecute you, all right, fine.

Starting point is 01:01:49 But the government couldn't just step in and do family. It was family. George Washington's era. You could do whatever the hell you wanted. Missing your family. Missing wife central, dude. Yes. Missing wife central.

Starting point is 01:01:59 I think the, well, once they made it illegal for you to have a graveyard on your premises. Is that truthfully illegal? That's when it started to get really, really strange. Yeah. Interesting. That's very, very, very interesting because, yeah, dude. So what do you do with your family?

Starting point is 01:02:15 But I mean, what do you, so you think, let me ask you this. Why do you want to fall in love? Do you think it's going to save you? Is it just you're at a point in your life you don't want to be alone? I think there's some things like, there's some things you just said.

Starting point is 01:02:26 It's like, I think for one, people are always like, get a pet, get a wife, get her something, get a kid. You know, I almost wish a girl would show up with a kid that I have. And I don't, you know, in a weird way. Not like I didn't want to be there for the few years. But yeah, I just think I need some, I just want something different in my life.

Starting point is 01:02:44 So I'm not going to like settle for some weird thing or, you know, you know, come in somebody. I just met at a fucking, you know, some Irish, you know, Irish tennis festival or volleyball deal. Yeah. But I mean, but maybe that is the way to do it. I think some of it is just about just doing it. Like one of my friends, I'm always like, man,

Starting point is 01:03:03 I think I have trouble in relationships with my friends. Like you have trouble in relationships until you do a relationship. So it's like, you just have to do it. And so that's kind of where I've been. I recently, I took a break from dating in December. I took a complete break from dating and interacting with females.

Starting point is 01:03:22 So that kind of helped me get at least a little headspace because I would just, I'd just been kind of frenetic for years. Just kind of like one girl to the next. Yeah, you just don't really think of like what's important. You know, you just kind of get used to just messaging and doing this and that. And then you're just kind of, I wasn't intentional. Right.

Starting point is 01:03:40 So now I'm just, I'm starting to get to a place where I like to be more intentional. So I just think like, yeah, what would be new things in my life? Something that would be new would be being in a loving, committed relationship. Does that woman need to be vaccinated? I do not care if that woman's vaccinated. Okay.

Starting point is 01:03:57 So she hasn't approved for a vaccine card. She doesn't have to have the booster. No. Okay. That's good because then that widens the playing field. Oh yeah, that's true. If you say I'm only going to have vaccinated women, it's just tough right now.

Starting point is 01:04:09 You know, because I think most of the women that you want to deal with are not vaccinated. Yeah. I'll go non-vax. You didn't mean it, you know. Because it's, it's, it's becoming quite clear that it's very difficult to deal with, you know, a very ultra liberal woman.

Starting point is 01:04:23 They're very, you want to go Republican. If you're looking for love in a relationship, if you're looking for a one night of fun, then I would say you can go more liberal. But if you want, I mean, a woman who's going to be by your side, then I think you want to go Republican. Yeah. It's what I, it's what I would recommend.

Starting point is 01:04:36 Or at least someone who leans right. They don't have to be ultra right-wing nut job. But I would say their priority should be to the right because it's becoming clear that the, you know, the people to the left, it's just, it's a losing battle. You know? Well, if someone over there is getting weird, I mean, whenever you get way out on the friends,

Starting point is 01:04:51 it gets really weird. But yeah, either side is extreme. That's one of the reasons why I got a place in Nashville during this pandemic. It was like, it was normal there. Like there was no, nobody was masking. Nobody's doing like, No.

Starting point is 01:05:03 It was normal. And it's been fine. It's fine. So that was like, you know, Rogan asked me, why did you move there? And I couldn't, I mean, taxes or, you know, there's no state taxes and stuff. And here, you know,

Starting point is 01:05:13 they might even move them up to 18% in California. But I know, New York and California, the worst. I know. But then also there's a lot of great things about living in those places. So it's like. You get it. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:05:22 You don't want to, you know, but. Yeah. I would say, I would say if you're looking for love. But it was just free there. You know, I was like, oh, I want to live in a place that was free. And it felt strange when I came to other places and like, people felt trapped up.

Starting point is 01:05:34 I would try, for you, man, if I'm being honest with you, just like, just vibing. And please do, bro. As a, as a. Well, I need my friends to be honest with me. As a pretty mature guy, like, you know, or the most mature. Do I seem mature?

Starting point is 01:05:45 You do. Thank you. As the most mature in my life and being a father and just being, knowing what I think is just being truthful is for me, man, when I look at you, I think you would, you want a right-leaning woman who's from Wyoming. I think you want to state like a Wyoming or an Idaho.

Starting point is 01:05:59 You want someone like that. You don't want, you don't want someone who's in entertainment. You know, you don't want someone, you know, and you don't want someone who's storming the Capitol. I think you'd like a nice, just like, like, like watch that show, Yellowstone. And a woman like that is what you want. Maybe some, maybe you could contact Kevin Costner

Starting point is 01:06:14 and see if there's an extra or something like that who's single and available in Montana. Yeah. I think that would work for you, man. I could see you with that because you're. And they're tall too. And windburn, a lot of them have windburn on their face. A lot of them have windburn.

Starting point is 01:06:25 Yeah. And I think that, you know, they would cook a lot of the stuff that you like to eat like ferret and whatever other, you know, because it's from Louisiana. So, you know, you guys eat. Grittle cake. Grittle, they know all that stuff,

Starting point is 01:06:35 ooey gooey pie, whatever that crazy shit is. You know, cause we have to play pretend a lot, like with a lot of these places, like they're real places, you know, but I don't think with the pandemic. A little bit of dove. Yeah. So, you know, like you just, you know, so, so I think that, I think that that's who I would go with

Starting point is 01:06:51 if I was you, you know, and I think that you'll find it, man. Yeah, thank you. You seem like you're in a happy, healthy place when I saw you, your cheeks look good. Really? Yeah, you did. You look good because I saw the one, one time I saw your cheeks look sunken in,

Starting point is 01:07:01 like I was almost like, man, just, you know, I've AIDS or something, but like gaunt, like Horus gaunt. Yeah. But now you're good, man. You look healthy. You look good in your hair looks good. Your hair looks like you're using Per Plus or something. Really?

Starting point is 01:07:10 Yeah. Your hair looks shiny, man. Like I know you're using conditioner. I've been feeling bad about it, but not really bad about it. I'm just grateful to have some hair right now. Yeah, man. I think I have COVID. What?

Starting point is 01:07:20 I just feel cold. Body aches, dude. Do you? Yeah. But I haven't gotten it once. You've been through a lot though. Yeah, I've been in the room with COVID like 15 times, man. Dead ass. Did you ever get it?

Starting point is 01:07:30 No, I got the antibodies. Yeah. So. Did you get the booster? I'm sure I've missed. I'm sure I've missed some shots. Yeah, dude. Yeah, me too.

Starting point is 01:07:40 I had a fake one for a while, but then I just, I had to get the juice. Yeah. I think it's like, look, I don't know. I don't even want to get in all that, honestly. Yeah, you can't write at this point. Well, you can't make public statements. Well, I just don't, I'm just over here and it's like, what, you know, I can't fathom they're going to get people to go get some other booster.

Starting point is 01:08:00 Are they, what are you fucking insane? At this point, it's like, you're literally just throwing dart. You're literally just stabbing people to CVS, you know, like it's getting wild. That's what it is. Yeah, no, I'm waiting for the next one, man. Even people that believe in it don't even believe in it now. Not anymore, dude. Even AOCs out there with no mask on, you know, like nobody gives a shit.

Starting point is 01:08:19 Yeah, dude. One of my friends used to hook up with AOC. Really? The bar she used to work at, yeah. Wow. He said she's really not like that. He said deep down, she's Republican. Wow, really?

Starting point is 01:08:29 It's crazy, right? Yep. I, yeah, I think, well, there's a lot of identified people that want to be just, you know, they want to be something and they, I think a lot of people out of fear too. Their boss is a certain thing and they feel like they have to be that. Right. But it's funny when we're talking about 2015 and even before that, it's like, I don't think people, it's so crazy how divided people got.

Starting point is 01:08:50 I know. I know because you know what it is, man. When you think that you let, when you, but when you really think that you let some political thing divide you from your own family members and a lot of it's just things you heard or, you know, it's like, it's not like real shit between you and them. It's just like pieces that you both heard on social media and stuff and just fuel. It's kind of crazy. Well, you know, my father said this in 2008, 2009, you know, this is a man with an eighth

Starting point is 01:09:15 grade education, but very street smart. And as you, you know, you know, as a special needs man, and he was saying that he said in 2009, he said this, this Twitter thing is going to be the worst thing that ever happened for this country. And I was like, why? He's like, because not everyone's supposed to be talking and it's come out to be true. Social media is like, not everyone's supposed to have an opinion. This is not, this is not what it is.

Starting point is 01:09:35 He's like, you can't let the whole world talk. And I'm like, it's pretty true because now you get people galvanized, little sexes of them and then they do big things where it used to be, you know, these people's ideas, which just, they would get shot down at a, you know, at a cafeteria in Biloxi. It wouldn't go any further than that. But now it's like that cafeteria in Biloxi, you know, you can get that to thousands, millions, billions of people. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:09:55 So it's problematic. But I think we're, I think we're going back in the right direction. I think, I think, I think we're going to be all right, man. I think once Biden dies of natural causes, it's going to be all right. You know, because I think they're going to have to push him. They're going to have to do something with him. You know, I don't want him to die. I think he's okay, but I don't think.

Starting point is 01:10:12 It's like watching Old Yeller. It's like watching Old Yeller. Yeah, I think, I think that the United States is like, I don't think, I think that the powers that be are going to, they're going to say, you know, they might just get Lee Harvey Oswald back, back, you know, it might get the juices flowing again. Oh, to assassinate it would be easy. Just, you know, it'd be, you just don't, you just don't, you just don't give him his pills that morning.

Starting point is 01:10:31 It's just, I don't know. But also government has become such a, that's not even our government anymore. Facebook is our government, Twitter is our government. Like those are the things, the ruling entities. The rest of this is just bull. It's like trial by Twitter. It's, it's people just arguing about some bullshit. Well, it's become States rights.

Starting point is 01:10:48 That's why when you, you know, you live in a place like Tennessee or Florida, you live a different life than you do other places. Like I've never thought I would ever want to even consider leaving New York. But this, there's a very simple thing. Like in New York, my six year old has to wear masks in her classroom all day. She hates it. I hate it for her, I hate it for her social people. I'm not wearing the breathing is like whatever, but hers,

Starting point is 01:11:09 you can't deny like when my child doesn't see her friends. When you see someone's full face, you get in, you know, her brain is for me. She could see people smiling. She doesn't understand reactions. It's a harmony where if I just moved her, you know, a thousand miles to the South in Florida, she's living a free life like it's 2019.

Starting point is 01:11:25 So you're getting there in your career. You can do that. It's making, I have to make like an honest decision. If in the summer, the summer they're like, Hey, we're going mass on again. Then I'll, I don't want her to live like that. And I'm not anti-vax or anti-science. I'm not a right wing nut.

Starting point is 01:11:38 I kid around, but like seriously, I'm like, that's a simple thing. That's a very easy thing for me as a pair where like, I just don't want my child wearing a mask anymore. I don't. Well, I just, I think the whole thing's interesting how none of the so, like none of the social effects of this have come into any conversation. There was never any big conversation. The fact that if we shut everything down,

Starting point is 01:11:58 we're going to have hundreds of thousands of people that are going to die from addiction, from loneliness. Yeah. All the people that probably seniors that died of heartbreak because they couldn't see their fucking family. Yeah. It's like, and that, a lot of that stuff is unquantifiable. And I bet I really believe that it could be more than the amount of people

Starting point is 01:12:20 that died from COVID in America anyway. 100%. I really believe it. Just because for me, you know, it's my own thing. I have six friends that overdosed and died during the pandemic, completely dead, gone off the earth, right? I don't have, I don't know anybody that died of COVID. That's just me.

Starting point is 01:12:33 It's my own world. But if they had AA meetings that were open and recovery houses that were open, it might not have been the same case for some people. So I don't know. I agree, man. I might have a different chip on my shoulder about that. It's a mental health issue. Like in New York, I saw the other day, I saw a guy in the middle of the day.

Starting point is 01:12:53 It's like a homeless man. And he started, I saw this, he started full spray shitting, like diarying on a brick wall, right near Penn Station in New York City by the last square guard. Just full shitting on a brick wall. Yeah, like it was crazy, dude, like wild, wild behavior. Like just nuts. When people are desperate, when you're spraying something out of your body

Starting point is 01:13:14 onto a wall to like get a message across, that's desperation. Spray shit. And a woman was walking by and I was, because I was stopped. I was like, oh my God, a woman was walking by and she walked up. Called him gay or something? No, she walked up to him and she goes, she called me gay for no reason. And she goes, and she walked up to him and she goes, she goes, excuse me, sir, put on a mask.

Starting point is 01:13:34 And I was like, I mean, this guy sprays shitting against a wall and you're worried about his COVID status. Like, you know, like it's just like we're outdoors in public. Let him, you know, it's a mental health issue. Like the people who are the most afraid have all three vaccine shots, probably two boosters. They wear six masks and the other ones that are terrified. And I'm like, it's a mental health issue.

Starting point is 01:13:53 It's clear it's a mental health issue now, you know? Yeah, it's interesting, man. Well, it's just the mental health side of it is really interesting. And a lot of that hasn't really been explored and it'll all be looked at probably years down the road. But the thing is, I think Dr. Fauci is like just like cute. You know what I mean? Like I like seeing Dr. Fauci.

Starting point is 01:14:10 I know his science is what it is, but I say he's just a small Italian man. Like somebody's no-no, you know? Like he just comes out there with like a wooden spoon and he'll hit COVID with a new rolled up newspaper. You know, like, I like him. I guess he does have a cute ambiance about him. Yeah, man.

Starting point is 01:14:26 Like he looks like if a tortellini became a national health doctor, you know? Like, I like him, man. But he lost him when he threw out that pitch at the national. Yeah, he stinks at baseball, dude. Which is crazy because a lot of those Italian guys who grew up in Brooklyn, they play stick ball and-

Starting point is 01:14:40 Jodomaggio. Yeah, dude. So he's- he's- he's- Yashremski. Was he Italian? Call Yashremski? No, Polish. It sounds Polish, huh?

Starting point is 01:14:48 Yeah, I think Yashremski's Polish. Yeah. Yeah, one of my friends, a Polish guy, he just had a baby. Wow. He was a guy actually. He got circumcised at 19 years old, man. Showed up to school on crutches, man. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:15:01 And he did it for a girl that didn't want to uncircumcise. Just pierce your ears. That's what I said. And then she dumped him about two weeks later. Fucked his dick up, man. His dick was swollen. It was bad, dude. You ever pierce your own ears for a woman?

Starting point is 01:15:15 Pierce my own ears for a woman? No. I mean, the craziest thing I did is I got a woman pregnant because I felt inferior to her ex. And I started a full life. I locked myself into- in woman for the rest of my life. See, I like that, though. Just to get even with a guy who I don't-

Starting point is 01:15:30 just saw once on Instagram. Yeah, that's cool, though. Yeah, man. I go for it, man. Yeah, I think you do. Shooters, shooters. I take swings, dude, you know? Shooters, shoot, man.

Starting point is 01:15:38 I want to be- that's where I want to be. I want to be the guy that's willing to ejaculate in somebody I just met. Yep. I did it, man. And that's why- that's why, like, I- there's, um, you know, I'm proud of the fearlessness, you know? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:15:51 I'm proud of it because I'm like- I'm like, you know what, man? Like, if I'm gonna get a woman pregnant who I barely even know just to get even with her ex that I barely- that I flat out don't know that I've created in my mind, then, yeah, dude, I'm gonna take a chance on a joke.

Starting point is 01:16:06 I'm gonna add a show that I probably shouldn't have added. I'm gonna make a ticket price. I don't give a fuck. Say it for a new America, dude. Christopher Columbus. Dude, you got this, dude. I'm taking big swings, dude.

Starting point is 01:16:17 I'm taking big swings and that- Big semen swings. And that's what you have to do, man, especially in our careers. Like, you gotta take big swings, dude. Yeah. I gotta get on the Joe Rogan show, too. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:16:27 Never been on it once. Never once. Oh, you'll probably be right around the corner. No, but you know what, dude? I'm proud of- You're doing great without me. I was gonna say, I'm proud of the ticket sales and all that, and the people that have been coming out

Starting point is 01:16:37 to see me without any Rogan appearance. I'm proud of that. Yeah. You know? So, I don't know. But you think if I ever do get on him, what, should I take a swing at him just to, like, stand out?

Starting point is 01:16:46 You know what I mean? No, I don't think that's the move. Or, like, try to- Or, like, kill one of his security guards or something. No, I think he'll- And bring his head in, like, on a spike, and be like, yo, start the show. Yo.

Starting point is 01:16:56 Yo. You just puppet it. We are live. Yeah. We are live. But, dude, you're killing- I mean, what else is going on? The thing is with you, man, Theo, is, you know,

Starting point is 01:17:08 I was talking to OPI the other day. We used to do the OPI and Anthony show or the OPI and Jim show at the time a lot. And I was talking to OPI the other day, and we were just talking about how, man, Theo is killing it. And we were like, OPI misses you, man. He wants to take a walk,

Starting point is 01:17:22 me, you, and him around New York City, just a walk. Oh, wow. I said, if Theo's ever in New York, I'm sure if he's got the time, man, we'll take a walk. Dude, I had so much fun on there. That's when I was really cutting my own hair for about eight years, and I went on there. I remember that we had that back and forth

Starting point is 01:17:34 where I said, you look like Eileen Wernos. You said, I look like a deaf guy that goes to the gym. Yeah. Yeah. It was good back and forth. And then Carl was in the middle, and Carl died, man. Everybody else in there died. Carl died, and what's his name died?

Starting point is 01:17:46 Vic Henley died. Everyone on that kokina. God. Yeah, kokina. Vic was on a dust? I don't think Vic was. No, I think Vic, they said he died of a blood clot, which is interesting because he died of a blood clot,

Starting point is 01:17:57 and this was about April, I think, of 2020, where he might have been early COVID, because they were saying that COVID was causing blood clots, or it might have just been a rant. Vic had gotten hit by a car a few days before, and wouldn't go to the doctor. And Opie was like, you need to go to the doctor. Dude, you got hit by a car, man.

Starting point is 01:18:11 And he was like, I ain't going to the doctor. So there might have been a blood clot forming in his body. I mean, he got fully hit by a car. That'll clot your blood. If you get hit by a fucking vehicle, dude, if anything's going to clot your blood, it'll be that. That's a crazy thing, man, to get hit by a car. I remember trying to steal my mom's car

Starting point is 01:18:29 one time, and it started, I was pushing, I got the, but it was kind of uphill little, and I didn't realize it would start coming back. I wasn't going to be strong enough. And I got sandwiched between it and another car on my thighs, and it was just fucking so much pain, dude. Damn, dude. And I had these black bruises on my legs for about two weeks.

Starting point is 01:18:46 Didn't have to yell for help and shit. It was so horrible. That sucks, dude. I remember one time I was driving, me and my dad, I was in my dad's old mobile. Had nice legs. And all four of his doors opened up on the Varrazano Bridge going to Staten Island.

Starting point is 01:18:58 Yeah. All four of the doors at the same time, it was wild. And I didn't have a seatbelt on, I was like 11. Yeah, my dad was just holding me. My sister fell out of Viad McDonald's out of an Oldsmobile, out of a cutlass or something, or a Delta Oldsmobile, Delta Cutlass, Delta 88, damn. Dude.

Starting point is 01:19:15 Those bitches, those locks on those doors are weak. Weak as fuck, man. Weak locks. I miss Oldsmobiles. Yeah, I miss a lot of things, man. I miss a lot of things, dude. What else are we talking about? No, dude, we're just flowing, man.

Starting point is 01:19:29 I felt like this is, you came out me and we just started talking about love, which I could talk about it all day because I think it's got many different definitions, dude. And I don't know if all your fans will like this. Maybe some of them tuned out, but the ones that stayed, man, congratulations, because it's a different vibe.

Starting point is 01:19:45 We're not just going to talk about jokes all the time. We're talking about love. Well, yeah. I think a lot of people want to hear that. Oh, I think, I mean, it's just what I've kind of been like, not thinking about, but it's like, you know, you want to see if it's out there, you know? Yeah, I want to see if it, yeah.

Starting point is 01:20:01 And listen, dude, and maybe it's only out there for you for a month or two or a year, and then it goes away, but you know, nothing lasts forever. I don't want to get that, I think I would like to get that marriage. You want to get married. See, because I had children first, I don't want to get married.

Starting point is 01:20:17 If I would have gotten married and they have the kids, that's one thing, but because I had the kids first, I don't see, to me, what I think of is marriage is, this is my opinion, marriage is a piece of paper. It feels archaic. It feels like something you would do, like if you're very wealthy, like if you're on that show, succession,

Starting point is 01:20:34 then you get married because it's power dynamics. But this marriage thing now is just a piece of paper that some guy made up that had to be a thing. It's not real, but children, like that's a type of marriage from the universe. I can't explain, I'm forever locked in to my children's mother now, and that's from some powers I don't understand.

Starting point is 01:20:53 But the piece of paper is like, that's just whatever state you live in, there's different rules, you got to pay a guy. That's how I look at it. And some people will say, oh, that's a bullshit way of looking at your, that ain't cool, but I'm like, but that's how I feel. That's heaven's eggs, dude, that's children.

Starting point is 01:21:08 I would like to have, I think, then some matrimony. I think I would like to then maybe just, even if I co-parented or something, have a loving environment that brought some children into the world. I will say having children, man, it's the most beautiful thing. Listen, it's all ego.

Starting point is 01:21:22 The thing is it all stems from, it all stems from a degree of narcissism, that everything, even mothers love it. The reason why you love your own children is because it's a piece of you, right? So that's okay to, I think, to accept that. You can't put yourself before your kids because you need to make sure you're healthy and strong

Starting point is 01:21:42 so you can be healthy and strong for your children. You know what I mean? So when some people are like, oh, my kids are everything. My kids are everything to me. They truly are. But I have to be mentally and physically happy and healthy so I can pass it on to them. So I'm always thinking, every decision I make, I'm thinking about that.

Starting point is 01:21:58 Yeah, see, I like that. I think I would like to just have something, and I don't want to do it because of that, but it would be nice to have something in the world that makes me less self-focused. Yes, because I think that's the only way that it popped like that, you know, I can get outside of my own thoughts and ego is to,

Starting point is 01:22:16 because I can't, you know, I can't sit there and commiserate all day about career or about something I said five years ago or about what are people saying about me on social media. I can't commiserate about that because my daughter needs to eat, you know, and I'm like, this is the real important stuff. Even like, you know, on the social medias of the world,

Starting point is 01:22:33 you realize like all you have to do is like, you know, when, I don't know, somebody gets canceled or somebody gets a battery review on a show, like all you have to do is delete that app, and then it's gone because the real world for me is my children. As long as my children think I'm okay, I don't care what anybody thinks of me.

Starting point is 01:22:50 So it's like a superpower where sometimes people will be like, well, Chris, you say some crazy shit sometimes on stage, like you ever get worried about being canceled? I'm like, no, because I got my kids, man. And if you find you take my comedy career away, I mean, I'll just go be a physical therapist. I have a license, like I don't want, I love doing comedy, I love this, I want this to be my life.

Starting point is 01:23:09 Yeah, but why not stretch a guy's leg out somewhere? You know what I mean? I might do both, dude. As a matter of fact, when the pandemic happened, Governor Cuomo of New York, former Governor Cuomo of New York, he reinstated every healthcare professional's license at his laps as long as it didn't,

Starting point is 01:23:23 as long as you didn't lose your license because you like killed somebody, but mine had just laps. As a matter of fact, you ready for this? In the state of New York, when I got my license reinstated, in the state of New York, I was told that I was the only male physical therapist

Starting point is 01:23:37 who had had my license, my physical therapy license on a five-year hiatus because that's only designed for pregnant women, for women who had had children and want to step away and raise their kids and then come back, I was the only male on that. So there was all these people that I was in the pregnancy base, I was basically the pregnancy, you know,

Starting point is 01:23:55 part of the portion of the license. My license was treated like as if I was a pregnant woman that had bore children. So I got my license reinstated like that, like overnight in an email. I got my full license so I could legally, I could legally practice. I don't remember shit.

Starting point is 01:24:12 Because I'm an urban planner, dude, and my degree was in urban planning. And what would you do if you could urban, you know, if you were going to plan something out in the urban community, what would you do? Would you have a company night? You do neighborhood, you do shrubber, you do like if a postman's coming into the neighborhood,

Starting point is 01:24:32 you tell him where to go first, how to do the best routes. You do zoning, you know. Urban planning, man. I don't think I'm, that's not up. I don't think that's what I'm going to do. How long are we going? How long are we going right now?

Starting point is 01:24:46 How long do you normally do? I would do another 10 or 15 minutes. Yeah, you want to bring Dom in? Yeah. Come on. Dom, you want to come on in, man? Don DePeta coming in. Come join us.

Starting point is 01:24:56 Come in in the batter's box, baby. Yes, sir. Come on, Don DePeta. All right, here, let's get your camera set. Get your keyed up here, brother. Look at his mustache, ladies. Oh, yeah, it's beautiful. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:25:10 Thank you. Yeah, he said he wouldn't shave it, man. He was going to shave it and then he said he wouldn't do it. Oh, really? Yeah, he's not going to do it. I had a goatee and sideburns and then I shaved it. It was not a good look. So I was like, let's trim it down.

Starting point is 01:25:21 Yeah, going with different body hair is a unique thing, you know. There's only the thing I don't love about body hair. There's only so many places you can grow it. Yeah, even like my pubic hair, it's not like a bush, it's stringy. Right. Like my pubes almost look like your hair, like long mullet. But then I'll have bushy hair on the back of my neck and stuff. Don told me at the Atlanta punchline, you forgot your pants once.

Starting point is 01:25:46 No, I was in Huntsville. Huntsville, you forgot your pants. Oh, yeah. Oh, I did actually. This was a while ago, yeah. I didn't have to give you his pants. No, no, no, the opener. You took the opener's pants.

Starting point is 01:25:54 Yep, it was some guy who was living in a van. Remember that guy? Yeah, dude. I saw that guy not long ago. Yeah, I saw him performing. I think it was in Nashville. I saw him at a comedy show, Nice Guy. I think he quit living in the van, but that guy lived in a van for a long time.

Starting point is 01:26:06 I didn't tell you war's pants on stage. I didn't have a choice, brother. Other man's pants. How'd you forget your pants? And I hit him hard too. I think that's where I was hoping for funny man. No, you, yeah. I mean, he did like a one night thing and they bumped us.

Starting point is 01:26:19 So I opened you featured and then funny man closed and he shouldn't have followed you. I think it was different times. Yeah. I didn't really have a following. Then I just starting to catch some, maybe a little bit of opportunity. You took off right after that. Yeah. I got to tell you, by the way, you look really tan on that screen.

Starting point is 01:26:37 Really? Dude, you look so good. I was working out of the, um, on a gym on a rooftop yesterday. Nice. So it's one of the like a full gym on a rooftop. Like they opened up a gym rooftop and you can be up there and do weights. And so I was up there. Thank you though.

Starting point is 01:26:53 So I think I got a little bit of sun and I've been trying to wash my skin. Nice. Nice. And your head looks and your hair look great. My hair looks great. Yeah. I just want you both to know you look terrific. But my face looks a little swollen today.

Starting point is 01:27:05 No, no, no, not on camera. I don't know. It has the opposite effect. Like you look fat in real life, but on camera. Yeah. You look like if you discovered your skeleton, it would they be like, oh, this is like, you have a prehistoric look. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:27:17 Neanderthal head. Yeah. But you think women like that though. Oh, I think it attracts them at a base level that somebody like me or Dom can't replicate. Replicate. Nice. Nice. Are you performing a lot?

Starting point is 01:27:29 What's going on? Yeah, man. Yeah. At the funny bumps and side splitters. I got side splitters coming up. So I'm going to go. I'm going to go be in that thing with a tooth and the condo with a tooth. Would you stay in that condo?

Starting point is 01:27:40 Bobby Jewel, the man that he sold it. So they have a new condo now. New condo. Thank goodness. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Bobby was a legend down there.

Starting point is 01:27:51 A legend, man. I've definitely. Yeah. I was in Tampa last night, man. I went to a place called the Tampa pizza company. I got the Fettuccine Alfredo and it was awesome. And I burnt my mouth on it. I still feel the effects of that right now.

Starting point is 01:28:03 That's good. Yeah. Yeah. But it was great. I did the Tampa theater. You ever do the Tampa theater? Gorgeous place, man. Haunted, but it was gorgeous.

Starting point is 01:28:11 I'm at St. Petersburg. I'm at St. Petersburg in a couple of weeks down there. Yeah. St. Petersburg. Beautiful, man. And we're doing one night at the improv actually too. Best way to do it. We got a night off.

Starting point is 01:28:20 Yeah. So. Best way to do it, man. I think you're gonna get nervous after walking with your agent. Oh yeah. Well, it's a weak. Yeah. Imagine I didn't.

Starting point is 01:28:28 And my current agency is like, what? I'm like getting nervous, man. No. Well, look, I think look good. At least I'm just grateful that we're able to go places and do shows. Seriously. That's been the tough thing about living in Nashville is that there's not a place to perform.

Starting point is 01:28:45 So. You do Zanies too much. You know Zanies? But you can't do it. It's not the same. It's not the same as having a workout room. Yeah. Like they're not you can't just pop in like you can at the comedy store or the comedy seller

Starting point is 01:28:55 Well, you can but it's like it's like a lot of you know people that go to a lot of shows So you're seeing a lot of the same people. Yeah, which is fine. It's great. It's just not It's not where I can go and do three sets like lat like this week I probably did or last week I probably did like 12 sets, you know in in LA. Yeah, which for me It's like that's like a time where I can learn like I feel like by the 11th show It's like I'm cooking with gas like I'm not I have no fear that anybody in the joint is gonna

Starting point is 01:29:30 Are you back here now do any better than me? No, no, but I'm gonna be have spent more time here because I got to do more practicing good, right But your permanent residence is not here. My permanent residence is not here. No, I'm a legal resident of Tennessee Well, so you don't see you so you Tennessee doesn't have income tax either, right? There's no state. No state. Yeah, right Oh, so you're good man. Well, one of the blessings too is just that if you go touring out of there They have all the tour buses and stuff. So that's really nice is just to be able to like yeah Go do a string at based out of there. It's like yeah, you can't find a wife in Nashville, man I probably can I there's some good. There's some nice women there, dude

Starting point is 01:30:05 I think so find your girl with a piece of camo. What about Puerto Rico's me good, dude Oh, I would like something from another country. Yeah, what about Nick O'Rourke one go back to your roots I wouldn't but I got to get down there. That's the thing. It's like do I you got to get down there You know, you got a plan. Hey, you got to be there for a couple weeks. You can't stop You know, you can't forth, you know hurry in a week, but I wouldn't mind. I'm open to it I'm gonna start asking God. Hey, God. I Am willing To meet someone our data mostly white women. I'm dating women that are

Starting point is 01:30:42 Some of them a good amount of them are white women, right, but I am not sentenced to that I'm okay to any type of woman. Mm-hmm Right and a bodied woman. I have DM'd with women that are all types of women. You got to find a woman doesn't know you Yeah, that's harder and harder though, man Just maybe yeah, or go to China or mercenary. What is it? What is it called the Mercer? Oh Mennonite Mennonite. I'm sure Mennonite. Yeah, cuz they can't have they can't have electronics Or a acidic Jewish woman. That'd be a nice call for you, too, man. SIDS baby. Go hard. I'm a Jewish baby Yeah, we'll see. I mean, I'm open to I'm open to anything. So you got a lady right now, Adam

Starting point is 01:31:22 No, no recently. No, but it's good dude. You're gonna find love though. You got a good heart Yeah, I've always been inside about both of you. Thank you very genuine. I'm not being well He's already got love this guy's doing fine. This guy, you know, I got a lot of cholesterol, man Yeah on my heart. I Definitely am gonna go home and probably have more popcorn like I usually do and of course not terrible for you though, man It's not terrible, but it's not a family, you know, right? It's not a right, you know, right? I get it man It's not that so I'm not like lamenting it. It's just like I'm just getting to the point where it's like, okay I'm feeling like this is a possibility. Well, what are you? You're are you 40 yet? I'm 40. Yeah

Starting point is 01:32:00 Yeah, so if you're 40, yeah, that that's one that you know, you're the male's biological clock starts kicking in. Yeah But I think you can do it man, especially because you look like you look like Matt Damon from the last duel Yeah, a lot of people have been tagged. Yeah, so so I think like he had a wife, you know, and it didn't work out really She came with land though. She came with land. Yeah, one of them acre babes homie. Yeah, I like it man You'd look it's like a Andre Agassi look. Yeah, when the 90 when he was winning though, you know what I mean, dude You're gonna find love. Thanks. Yeah, I think you will do it But here's the thing that has been an issue is committing to the love when I get in some love You just gotta can you accept love? I don't know somebody

Starting point is 01:32:43 Who was that sounded like a vote? No, dude, I'm with you bro. Really? Yeah, it's the celtiest life fit Celtiest live shit. It did not do it. Yeah. No, dude. I can believe in me. It's just it's deep dude I you know, I dealt a food. Did you yeah? Oh, you eat a high altitudes, bro. That's all gas It yeah, yeah, that's all gas. Yeah, dude the fact that they even feed people at that altitude is insane It's Japanese man. It's got it's like a lithium battery. It's gonna explode. This thing is a game show Yeah, it's such a fucking game show man. Yeah, man. I think I think love is um, I Don't know how it's gonna happen for you or who it's gonna happen with it might not not even be a female

Starting point is 01:33:33 But it's it's happening, you know, I want a female You want that but that might not be what the universe wants for you I'm not living with some sexual man, dude It's it's one of those things where like I said man Love finds you you don't find love and if it's a man or an animal or you know I wouldn't mind getting a pup or getting something like that to start off the The commitment, you know, and so that's what I'm thinking of but I don't know what kind of animal I would get that I would then you know want to saunter around with to have to take around a lot because it's not all about sex either

Starting point is 01:34:08 That's the other question has sailed. Yeah. Yeah, I'm willing to do sex, but that's also like yeah as you get older It's not it's just like somebody awesome to be around. Yeah weird how unimportant that comes. Yeah, I don't you know It's yeah, I don't care about it as much I mean, you know because it's like it's kind of like you've done it enough for it's like I you know when you masturbate It's like that's the best, you know that it is because it's it's all you But so I don't need to have sex anymore and we burned it out as a society We burned sex used to be that it was like that secret thing and how are they gonna do it? And you got a sneak you got a somebody's got to draw a picture how you do it, you know

Starting point is 01:34:44 When you're like, you know, you you don't even know what's going on Somebody's behind you pushing you into the woman like you do it used to be totally different And now it's just like everywhere people there's ejaculate everywhere. There's advertisements to to to Get more ejaculate in your bike. It's just like what's it's all it's just we burned it out Yeah, in the Civil War they used to have One of the generals general hooker. That's where the term hooker comes from is he would have prostitutes follow him and even more so everybody wanted to be in his Platoon and they would fight harder for him because they had

Starting point is 01:35:19 An artist that they would protect at all costs that would draw women that they would meet on the road And that was like the porn and they would jerk off to that porn Crazy beautiful and sex is like isn't is is all in it's all intertwined like in history Like the French when in World War two when the French were getting invaded by the Germans Yeah, the French they let them have sex with women and prostitutes and a lot of them were fighting with venereal diseases We're Hitler and the Germans said you are not if you have if we catch you having sex with a woman You're gonna get shot on the spot. So the Nazis didn't have STD's that was one of their biggest superpowers Just man, we're a lot. Yeah, they and they had Panzer Chocolat, which was crystal meth

Starting point is 01:35:57 That's what it was called Panzer Chocolat imagine doing meth and not we don't have any sex. Oh, yeah, dude It's crazy. Oh, so but but but that's a big thing is is you know sex is intertwined with even our history But if you remove it if you can remove the urge for sex then you remove almost you remove 99% of your problems Truthfully, you know, you know, it's all sex everything. We're doing subconsciously is for sex. Yeah, that's what it is It may not you know, sometimes it's right on the open. Sometimes it's not but if you can just say to my and it's difficult It's almost impossible to do but if you could do it That's what monks do when they meditate when they're sitting there meditating for 20 hours a day They're not getting to a deeper place. They're basically just humming till they ejaculate. That's what it is

Starting point is 01:36:39 They're just basically not having sex and thinking about sex. Yeah, that's what Unix That's why Unix were so powerful because you had them, you know The the thought was you had the aggression and the brain of a man, but you weren't you weren't distracted by sex It's why they cut your nuts off. They can think clearly. Yeah, that's what clear that the Unix would run the ancient priest Like right after you come they will run that exactly dude They're forever the Unix had forever just ejaculated and we've gotten in that place of society where sex isn't even that big of a deal It's just like it used to be that big of a deal You needed 15 children you needed the land don't need any of it anymore and also sexting and porn like you can just you can

Starting point is 01:37:19 You can sex with the Opposite sex and fulfill your needs. You don't have to put the insert in them anymore And they don't have to jump on you. You don't have to well That's one nice thing about taking a break from dating it had me a little bit of there was a little bit of a reset from like just that The pattern it's nice of like one, you know, like feeling like you have to did you find? Do you find more discipline in that or like more with yourself like more structured? Well, yeah, I found like there was things that I like to do that. I just even forgotten about that's great, right? Yeah, dude

Starting point is 01:37:49 I mean if you can if you can if you we don't realize how distracted we are every day even you know Sometimes I'll be at home with my children all day, but I'll be on the phone Scrolling or saying I got to work I got to think of it and I realized I haven't looked at my daughter's face in 10 hours And it's like, you know, so now I try to just put my phone away Yeah, if I can you know unless there's a something important, but then just put it on now I'm like I used to go for a long time He say I hate talking on the phone just text me but now it's the it's come full circle for me

Starting point is 01:38:17 Now I'm like I rather you call me to because then I can just get off the phone with you And I don't have to text and because if I start texting you and I get sucked in but if I'm on the phone I I hang it up and I put it down, but if you're texting me, I'm texting you and then I don't text I'm looking at Instagram looking at the news. I'm looking at the same bullshit over and over and over again And Siri has a lisp in her ears, dude. Yeah, I've never met an incapable woman as Siri or man, you know, whatever Mm-hmm. I think if she's Persian, I don't even know what she is But I've never met anybody that doesn't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Yeah, she doesn't know at all She's Chinese

Starting point is 01:38:49 But when you do the voice comes from China, we know when you do the voice recognition thing when you voice to text Unbelievable. Yeah, you might as well eat your own ass outside, dude. Yeah, man Great to have you guys. Thanks for coming in Which it's where's the tour at man? Tell me about it So baby listen February 11th. I'm at the Warner Theatre in Washington DC February 12th at the Tabernacle in Atlanta And then we got March 4th and 5th in Cleveland at the Agora Theatre and Detroit at Royal Oak And that was Mr. Don DePedro will be there. We got the Chrissy Chaos podcast Thursdays 11 in each of time Hey babe with Sound Volcano. Chrissy Chaos Tuesdays 11 in Eastern Time. Hey babe, Thursdays 11 a.m. Eastern Time

Starting point is 01:39:33 ChrissyComedy.com for all my tickets. We're on a theater tour going all the way to the end of April and I appreciate you having me man And I hope that I hope that we find love dude And if even if it's with this transgender, it doesn't have to be a Biological woman is what I'm saying I think if you do that, then you're closing yourself up and they don't have to be vaccinated. I Am not taking a lot. I am hope I appreciate your hope for me and some of it. I don't okay I would like a woman and I am open to anybody the universe brings me I am open to love the universe gonna bring you woman just for a couple of weeks see open it up to more than that

Starting point is 01:40:07 See what happens if I'm if I'm gay. I would be shocked if I am gay. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah, but If I met a man one day and I was like Jesus Christ, I love this man. I Don't know. I can't I don't think I would be gay for him. Mm-hmm, but You just can't get past some certain things. I get it. No, I want a wife is what I'm saying. Yeah So that's even as much as I can even think about it I think I think I don't mind being around somebody driving somewhere with a guy if we're going to a right Like we're all going somewhere people are going somewhere. Yes. I'll ride with this guy. This is my friend I'll go somewhere with him. I'll talk to guys like this

Starting point is 01:40:42 I don't want anything really beyond that in my life But if you could use guys To help with women like I'm saying don't just discount us like for example, I've said this many times I fall in love with men. I have sex with women, right? Like we've had a stimulating conversation Oh, yeah falling in love with you guys, but I'm gonna want to go home. I'm have sex with a woman, right? So if that's gay, that's gay. You know what I mean? I'm not maybe your brain gay, but body straight. There you go Yeah, I'm brain gay Brain gay. Maybe that's the title of this episode, dude. Brain gay. Brain gay body straight. I love it. Don, where are you gonna be at?

Starting point is 01:41:17 Where are you coming up? I got the dates in March with him I'm gonna be at sidesplitters in early June like three through six and dude. I'm just in town working at times. Just That's it. Where are you gonna be? Where are you gonna be? Where am I gonna be? Let me see. I am at um You gotta be something while you're gonna be in I'm it's I'm in Jacksonville on February 2nd I'm at St. Petersburg on February 3rd On February 4th, I'm in Tampa or St. Yeah, St. Petersburg And I'm in Orlando February 5th. Nice. Then I'm in Rockford, Illinois February 25th in Chicago, Illinois

Starting point is 01:42:02 February 26th. That's gonna be good, dude. Yeah, and the Wiltern in Los Angeles May 7th some fun dates. So Um Yeah, grateful grateful you guys came in man. Thanks for coming and spending time today man. I love it, dude Yeah, I'm excited about y'all getting out there and making people laugh man. Y'all bring me a lot of joy So thanks, man. Thank you, brother. Thank you Now I'm just floating on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves. I must be Cornerstone Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this piece of mind

Starting point is 01:42:37 I found I can feel it in my bones But it's gonna take a little time For me to set that parking brake and let myself on my Shine that light on me I Sit and tell you I will find a song I will sing Yeah, I've been moving way too fast on the runaway train with a heavy load of my

Starting point is 01:43:27 Hands and these wheels that I've been riding on they want something that the damn they're gone. I guess now they just work

This Past Weekend - E378 Chris Distefano

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