This Past Weekend - E384 Brotherly Love

Episode Date: March 17, 2022

Theo talks March Madness, Irish haircuts, autistic leaders, and getting caught doing self touch. Happy St. Paddy's Day.  ------------------------------------------------- Tour Dates! https://theovon.com/tour New Merch: https://theovonstore.com Podcastville mugs and prints available now at https://theovon.pixels.com ------------------------------------------------- Support our Sponsors: The Zebra: Go to https://thezebra.com/theo to get your free quote today HOP WTR: Go to https://hopwtr.com to get 20% off + free shipping with code THEO Upstart: Go to https://upstart.com/theo to find out how Upstart can lower your monthly payments. Allbirds: Go to https://allbirds.com and find your perfect pair today. Mint Mobile: Go to https://mintmobile.com/theo and cut your wireless bill to just 15 bucks a month. Peloton: Visit https://onepeloton.com to learn more. ------------------------------------------------- Music: “Shine” by Bishop Gunn https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3A_coTcUek ------------------------------------------------- Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to: [e-mail] Hit the Hotline: [phone] Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: http://www.theovon.com/fan-upload Send mail to: This Past Weekend 1906 Glen Echo Rd PO Box #159359 Nashville, TN 37215 ------------------------------------------------- Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheoVonClips ------------------------------------------------- Producer: Colin https://instagram.com/colin_reiner Producer: Isaac https://www.instagram.com/isaacheckert/?hl=enSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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H. O. P. W. T. R. Dot com See what flavors they have use my promo code Th E O to get 20% off plus free shipping Go to H. O. P. W. T. R. Dot com use promo code Theo Happy St. Patrick's how about it? Happy St. Patrick's baby you can You know it's a if you celebrate St. Patrick's I want to wish you that wish you well with it

If you've ever found yourself in a shiny green hat vomit and outside of a 7-eleven Then you are probably Irish If you've ever If you hit about the age of 50 and you have the same haircut as your wife That's a that's an Irish staple I feel like

What else oh a lot of Irish men and women as they age they get the same tits on them If you notice that They said they similarly jugged up You know you see them they give the same tits on them You know you see them they give the they are That's a popular Irish thing you hit 50 55 you and your wife who's almost your buddy now You know they just they kind of morph into the same being it seems like or twins almost And they they double titted they got the same tits

But happy St. Patrick's Day to you Um, what else a lot of closeted gay happens during St. Pets Because men they get the tights. It's a lot of liquor They're carrying around the ah In New Orleans and the St. Patrick's Day parade they'll carry this thing of flowers And then the men get drunk or and they start kissing each other on the face even at some point And I don't know what at that point

I that's when I would usually drive home, but some men keep going and the parade keeps going and I Don't know what happened. I just You know, you just hope for the best for those guys You know, you hope somebody gets them a sandwich or kind of helps them Because you'll end up damn gay and not even want to be you know, and it wasn't a plan when you started out in the morning And that is St. Patrick's Day a lot. What else? Oh Dude, I So the other day

I'm ordering. I Guess what I want to talk about is autism You know, I'm ordering some cottage cheese at a breakfast place, I'm ordering some cottage cheese and And it's you know, it's a rare choice. It is what it is. I ordered it The guy goes, I don't know if we have cottage cheese, but let me see What I can do for you That's nice, that's a sweet guy So I wait he brings over a bowl. He brings over a bowl and it's like

Three or four pieces of cheese cut up in a little bitty Squares and shapes kind of just and he just kind of stacked them all in a little bowl And I just I mean the shit just I'm grateful, you know, I didn't want that's not how I didn't want things like that But he the guy made an effort But I think what we're starting to see more and more is autism You know, we're starting to see it more as a It's a positive in this and because here's what it is a lot of big business owners now You know, Jeff Bezos

Elon Musk they have autism You know, nobody wants to flat out say it But if you're part computer part person, that's always what autism was autism was that, you know You know was Danny calculator It was that dude who you would start talking you would reach out to shake his hand And he would kind of shake he would shake your hand with his eyes, you know He would like kind of just look look at you look down look up look down look up Like he was shit, you know, he's part computer. It's built into him and

And those are people that are starting to rule the world because the world is becoming more man and more computer It's murky, you know, we're merging it's that man, you know, it's that man pewter, you know That comp human, you know, it's that It's that middle ground You'll put a You'll put your hand in a woman's pants and she'll have a damn, you know, a quarter of a keyboard down there You know, and you'll just start typing in P, you know CLIT or, you know Labia or whatever, however you spell it, you know, you don't even you're not even really touching the genitals anymore

You just typing in the words of it, you know, uh, uh, uh, you're just UHH UHH UHH Until they, you know, I'm just saying we're starting to we're we're seeing the merging of people And that's what you know, it's just and those are people that are gonna rule the world because it's it's just we're becoming more of both We're becoming more computerized automated ATM blender You know, you just so just being a human is not It's good, but it's old-fashioned The these these people that are doing it all now are people that can see both worlds at once And sometimes you get the Jeff Bezos sometimes you get the um

Sometimes you get the Elon Musk Sometimes you get the Elon Musk And sometimes you get Patrick you get the dude who brought me who cut up four pieces of cheese into a bowl You know, it's kind it's a light autism. It's not helping anybody really but You know, it helps that, you know, it's It it's it works at a diner a little bit, I guess Anyway, um, I don't know exactly what I'm talking about, but I never have and I'm grateful to be here with you today And I mean that from all of my a orders. Let's let's hear a little bit of this

Come on, we're gonna take it back, baby Camel I'm just sitting on your front porch wondering how could I be so far from my home And my mind is somewhere else, but when I find it, I'll patch up where it's been Come on, baby Yeah, man Now I'm just floating on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves I must be Cornerstone

Oh, but when I reach that ground I'll share this piece of mind I found I can feel it in my bones Let's go But it's gonna take a little time for me to set that parking brake and let myself unwind Shine that light on me I sit and tell you my story Shine on me And now we'll find the song and sing it just for you Oh, there we are. That's Shine by Bishop Gunn. You know that and that's that old hitter

And that's the that's the one that started it all for us and here we are 384 383 episodes later Gang, baby. Good to be with you today What's going on? Not much, man. Not much really just kind of checking in with myself, you know You know, there's someone like to ask myself, well, how are you feeling, man? You know, I do You know, I'm not feeling, you know, I'm not that feeling ferret baby I'll scurry all across my damn You know, I'll just you know, I really I'm right there on my feelings. If you need my feelings, I got them inches for you, baby Yeah, I like to ask myself what's going on? What am I feeling? What am I thinking?

What's got me excited? What's got me scared? You know, where's my head at? Where should my head be at? I don't know Um, but I like to ask myself those things. What's going on? How are you feeling? And then answer myself. Well, sometimes I don't want to answer myself when I'm feeling good Sometimes I'll get in that little that spin cycle of I just want to be feeling bad, you know, that permanent pressure Um, but sometimes it's like, hey, I'm all right. I'm all right, baby I just got four pieces of cheese cut up in a small bowl, son

You know, I'm doing good I just met a girl. She's got she's got two keyboard titties. It's you know, I'm living I'm I'm fucking in the future I'm doing good We're merging. I wonder are we becoming more robots? You know, you see these people that have the that have, you know, half a calculator behind their eyes and and and they're more operating system than they are heart And you want you're like, you know, you start to wonder are they the next evolution? Am I just out here living in the Stone Age with my feelings when three generations from now it'll be You know, it'll all, you know, they'll have our feelings almost

Well, we've been taken over by some type of or crossbred with a gigabyte and And and you'll press a button on your hip and you'll smile You know, I just I don't I don't know what the future is going to be like I don't know But I believe that autism is that gray area where we're starting to see maybe Because it used to be somebody at autism like damn Ricky's fucked up, you know Oh damn Ricky's over there licking that snake Ricky's licking snakes But now you're like damn

You know Ricky's licking snakes and And he's running a damn app You know, he owns four apps. So you're like, well, he's really He's doing well, you know, he started a damn pet kill on his phone All book, you know, or he started selling leather goods because he learned the You know, he just tasted that texture for so long on the back of that rattler and next thing you know He's out here vending damn purses, you know, Fendi purses or something You know, you know, he's out here, you know, making milk snake

You know, he's out here making milk snake skin sandals for deaf children or whatever And he's, you know, he won an Academy Award or whatever And he's got autism. I'm just saying I don't know. I don't know anything And I never have so Um, what's going on? I'm trying to think of what else is going on I saw some music the other day when I watched some singer songwriters I'm enjoying my time out here in the central east right now Um, March Madness is here

Dude, I love March Madness I love it. I love watching the games You know basketball starts at like 10 a.m. God, I love that I love that You know, I love that you can kind of be at work, but you know You're cheering on colleges you never even heard Bellarmine, Colgate Uh, Ithaca, you know

Um, you know, West Wego State or whatever Gulf Coast Community College Tech Sunday School Go Ravens. You know, you're just, you don't even know what's going on You're buying merch and shit, you know, it's just you're dialed in And there's just great basketball all week And I love that Um, yeah, what's going on? I'm gonna get myself a piano My birthday's coming up. I'm gonna get myself a piano

I'm looking forward to that You know, I've wanted a piano for a long time, so I'm gonna have that bitch And yeah, that's kind of what's happening in my week really Um, yeah, I got up this morning and I went over to the gym, you know I get up and do a routine right now I get up and I make a, I do prayers And then I do a gratitude list and a meditation And then I get into motion

I get moving, baby, I get, you know Wiener first is kind of my motto It's like, sometimes you can walk where your body, your shoulders are first Or your face is first We used to have this one fella, he always kind of looked like this Like his nose was always first Looked like he was always smelling booty, you know, body gas or something Or sniffing, you know, that butt hash

You know, if somebody had been, you know, chiefin' out their own butt doing gas Body gas and fighting, you know, fighting If somebody had been doing any of that, he, uh, you dumb He walked like he had nose first, you know, this fella Steven Like he was always, like he was a detective for, uh, body gas, poop gas Butt, butt hash, you know what I'm talking about, gas, fighting And, um And, uh, so some people walk like that nose first

Some people walk knees first, a lot of Indian people If you have, if you have a friend who is a, uh, far eastern Indian Not Native Americans Who are pretty much my new favorite people too, I want to say that So, uh, but anyway, if you are a, uh, Indian You know, like, you know what I'm talking about, an Indian dude Trucker or gas station guy IT guy, engineer

Uh, sometimes they almost look like black guys, but they're not You ever see a black dude, but he has regular hair You're like, what the fuck, that's an Indian dude, or Bangladeshi And they won't tell you if they're one or the other, you gotta ask them You almost have to tap on them and ask them And Indian people, they walk sometimes knees first It's hard, it's very, they do, they will do it But my new thing, wiener first, if you got that wiener, if you are leading

With that Vesta Bule of Seed baby, that wiener Then you, you telling the world, hey, get this dad, you know That's what you're telling the world, you're saying, hey, you gonna come at me? I'm gonna give you this serving right up And there's something powerful about that To walk with your loin, with that bag baby You know, with that bag and branch baby, with that bat With that bat and satchel baby, you know what I'm saying?

With that root and them seed buckets baby There's something powerful to say, you know what? I'm putting it all forward There's something powerful about that Aw And Native Americans did that They walked their very, the posture is right there You got snout, genital knee and that shit was lined up

And maybe you'd see that, the penis would be just ahead Just winning the race, you know, like they're coming down It's like, just a nose and it's a niece And it's a penis and it's a niece A penis and a penis and it comes out of the back of the knee Penis! You know, there's something powerful about that And I'm 1-8 Pontiac, a lot of people didn't know that

I am 1-8 Pontiac, we got the chart back or whatever Somebody spitting something, you know Or my sister banged somebody and they got tested I don't know what happened, but I am 1-8 Pontiac And I'm happy about that We got some great calls that came in You know, I want to let you know also right now That we're currently...

Actually, you know what? Let's go to this call that came in right here What's up, Phil? My name is Victor I actually saw you in Chicago, I'm from Chicago I saw you at the Chicago Theater What's up, Victor? And Victor is a great name because it's... It means champion

It means first place leader trophy boy You know what I'm saying? I have blue rib and monster That's Victor, baby That's Victor Onward? I was tall Mexican with blue sweater Oh, I did meet a tall Mexican after the show And they're rare

I mean, when you meet them, you know it I mean, you damn want to steal a piece of their hair You know, because it's... They're... That's that chupacabra, baby You know what I'm saying? You don't see a tall Mexican Name 44 tall Mexicans You know what I'm saying? It's just...

They don't have it And they're trying You see a lot of Mexican people these days, they fucking upward You see them meet somebody and if they're not 5'4", they're not fucking And I'm sorry about my language, but that's just what's going on, baby Let's hear the call Same thing I was wondering what you think about, you know, the Ukrainian brothers, you know

Getting absolutely fucking blacked by Russia, you know You know what I'm saying? And what do you think about the president of Ukraine Denying to write out He said, I don't need to write out I need bullets, bro I think this guy's fucking dick is huge, bro Like this guy's fucked, man, you know

Look, baby, I'll say this They're bangers, baby The Ukrainians are bangers And those people, man, those frozen far-easterners, baby They about that, they about that bout Them people like to cigarette smoke And, uh... And try and knock each other out, bro

It is a ice-cold culture They have, I remember seeing, uh... Not seeing, but hearing descriptive stories Of children playing with stone dolls over there And you'd see a drawing of like a five-year-old girl Carrying a, you know, four-pound stone doll That she got for Christmas or whatever So...

When you, when you, when you're first baby doll That'd be, wait, four pounds And it's made out of stone You gotta keep it in your bed at night Or even if you put it in the garden And a bird shits on that thing, baby That's a, and you still carrying that thing to church I mean, you are a lot of tough people over there

And yeah, you know, I think it's a, you know It's kind of a travesty to see that there's so much violence But yeah, they want to eastward it out They want to bang it out That dude's saying mail me a bullet You could put a bullet in the mail And that dude, he's ready to use it And you know, I don't know enough about the situation

But I just know that we're going to try to help where we can And actually right now We're running a 25% off sale on the out-of-gast collection From now until this Sunday, March 20th And proceeds from the sale will go to the World Vision International Ukraine Crisis Fund I have a friend that works for that organization They're a great organization

They really focus on helping children And they have this Ukraine-specific crisis fund So that's where it's going to go to If you don't like that charity, that's totally fine Put your effort somewhere else We're going to make a donation as well Well, that's what we're going to do, man You know, and...

Yeah, it's just... War is just damn It's just people want it all You know, you see people, they want it all And I think Putin, he wants to go out He wants to go out that banger You know, he's kind of that fifth year senior right now And he's like, I'm not going out without using all the toys

I'm not going out without using all the toys He's that toy bear, you know And he opens up his toy chest And it's all missiles, baby It's missiles and strong knives He's got a knife that have a damn missile in it You stab somebody and then a missile shoots them Like, damn, just stabbed them

But that's who he is, baby That's who he is, and he is who you thought he was You always knew it The dude shirtless, he's out there fucking And you know, he's... You know, he don't have a lot of heart And he's from another era But Ukraine's saying, let's bang, baby

Let's make it three out of five You know, Herb Dean's trying to step in And they're saying, nah, nah, nah, nah, let it go Let it go, I'd love to see Bisping and Annick Commentate it Because I wouldn't be surprised to see Ukraine Make that comeback and You know, and our thoughts and well wishes

And prayers with everybody over there It's a lot of travesty going on when you see war happening And in a second, we're going to take those calls We had a lot of people calling about the masturbation And if they had ever had a sibling If they'd caught a sibling masturbating How that had fared And what that's like

To grow up being a victim of A visual sibling masturbation Seeing Victim, so Alright, I want to know What would you do if you didn't have any high interest loans? And it's a good question because some people don't know Some people, they might make themselves a steak dinner

Or get a steak for the kid A kid had never had a steak I remember I had my first steak when I think I was 16, 17 Somebody, daddy, cut me a piece of steak Or left someone on his plate because he got drunk And I ate it Well, what would you do If you didn't have high interest loans or credit card debt

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I want to tell you about all the birds And I'm not talking about gulls And pelicans and everything Toucan and sparrow I'm talking about the shoes, man You want to feel your feet fly Put on the new all birds Tree dasher too

I love my all birds I love them when I go to the airport, I put them on If I'm going to a casual business meeting Which a lot of business meetings are now And they're casual or semi-casual, I think Then that's how you do it And I don't know what semi-casual means It might mean you have a little bit of an erection

But I don't know that And don't quote me on that But you can quote me that the all birds Tree dasher too Is a great shoe And it's a running shoe now You know, I've frequented the casual pairs But the running shoe is different

It's for outdoors, it's for taking on your goals Out there in the spring And feeling it, let nature say Hey, I'll meet you outdoors I'll meet you halfway, mother nature Let's go for a jog Their light, more responsive foam Adds spring to every step

Extra traction grips the pavement They have FSC certified 10 cell Lio cell That's right, eucalyptus tree fiber Built in to them, dang So if you're running on a trail You're putting nature on nature, baby Shoelace is made from recycled plastic bottles

Go to allbirds.com The new All Birds Tree Dasher too I love my all birds, I really do And you will too Yeah, we had this call that came in I want to play this sucker Hey, T.O. My name is Big Daddy Jay

Big Daddy Jay, brother And I appreciate your call, man Onward I'm calling all the way from Walnut, California Run-a-thon-ya Walnut And so, you know, it's a knot Walnut is a nut you don't hear much about

Peanut really have a lot of the They kind of They got a lot of the acreage Walnut It's kind of that all, you know It's kind of that unorthodox strain looking nut It looks like a damn nut out of your body A body nut

You know, a sat nut That little seed, baby It looks like a real body nut But yeah Anyway, I don't know what I'm talking about onward Hey, man, I just wanted to say I love the podcast I love the comedy specials you got on Netflix

They're hilarious I wanted to ask you if you don't mind blowing up the spot What's the name of the ayahuasca The tree that you went to in LA? I've been feeling a need to go and get that done Gang, baby, I appreciate you asking And it's a secretive place That's the thing right now

You know, it can't be legally done in America I believe unless you're a church Let me see It says right here Ayahuasca plan itself is not illegal in the United States However, the active ingredient DMT is As it is classified as a Schedule I drug Which is the same category as hair on and ecstasy

Man, I can tell you these things are way Ayahuasca is way different than that Ayahuasca has been decriminalized in Oakland, California Santa Cruz Denver, Colorado, Washington, DC Cambridge, Massachusetts This means you won't face prosecution if you possess Or use a psychedelic brew

But only in these cities And I don't know how much of that is true I don't know if that's really the best information This is just off a random space on the internet Let me read one more While it is true that only the two main Brazilian Ayahuasca religions Unaio do Vegetal and Santo Daime

Have secured legal protections for sacramental Ayahuasca use in the US And those legal protections do not yet Really extend to anyone else Today there is a growing movement of churches Asserting their rights Either by formal petitions or heal-digging Perseverance to use psychedelic sacraments

As part of the free exercise of their religions Under the first amendment of the US Constitution And the Religious Freedom Restoration Act That's really interesting This article is also from 2020 That doesn't really help us Let me see if I can get anything more recent Seattle's psychedelic revolution has arrived

Decriminalization means shrooms have officially taken root Oh, interesting You know, I'm going to have to do a little bit more Investigative on this I'm going to have to do a little bit more investigator From what I believe and have heard You have to be a church to administer the drug You have to be a church

I know there's a lot of groups that are fighting and pushing for it The group that I did it with is fighting and pushing for it But in the meantime, it's got a trap house vibe to it And it's really fascinating You go and you wear all white and you sit there And you are in this group And I didn't know anybody when I went And you drink one plant

And then a little while later you drink another plant And you sit there And you just start like meditating You just start having a thought And then it becomes a story And then the story You start to realize that it's not just a thought you're having It's a sometimes kind of a realization

I don't know, I'll go more into it I'm going to think more about it If you have any questions about the ayahuasca send in Or about my experience, send them in And I'll try to do an episode about it Specifically about it next time I know last time we put this question on It was a very interesting question

As to the time in men's life About their body and their semen And I want to just hear that question right now Here it is I'm sure there's probably, if there's anybody out there If you ever had a brother You accidentally seen your brother masturbate or something You know, and I'm not trying to be nasty or whatever

But I'm just curious The effect it has on you Can you still look at him the same Is everything still okay between you And if you saw him, do you tell him You let him know that Or is that a private thing Or if your brother saw you

How did you handle that? How did you handle that? And we had a lot of interesting calls And I find this stuff to be fascinating And some people will say This stuff's homoerotic I don't find that But I find it interesting to get a bead on

How we learn sex And what it means and how we You know, I've had taboos That things in my life I was like, oh, I can't talk about this I can't share this I can't say things that I'm into Or not into

I'm afraid I've always had an intense nervousness around sex So it's almost felt like It's just a crazy game of freeze tag Where it's just like, you're it, you're it, you're it, you're it You're it, you're it, you're it, you're it You know, it's like I don't know, I've never handled it super well

I get so damn excited I'm like one of those fainting goats, you know I'm like one of those fainting goats, baby When it comes to the sexual And the full sexual, baby I got that fainting goat energy You know, I'm saying I'll be in there I'll be bleeding and hammering

And I'll be eating garbage You know, I'm that goat But damn, son Before I know it, a couple of thrusts in And the clock strikes midnight And I'm, I'm faint, you know, I faint You know, I get my energy gets so heightened up I can't handle it

And my brain shuts down But anyway, let's get back to you guys Sorry, I'm hogging all this That was the question And you guys had some great, great calls that came in, man I want to hear a couple of them Here we go Gengeng, P.O. This is Zach

What's going on, man? Zach And that's short, usually for Zachariah, I believe Or, uh, Zach Z-A-C-H, Zach, maybe even I think it's Somewhere from somewhere else So let's hear it

Let's just listen to your episode the other day And you're talking about, you know Learning to beat off and stuff And, uh, and getting, like, caught by your brother Or whatever, you know I never got caught by a family member But I got caught by a fella down the street from me And he taught me what masturbation was

And then, um, you know Back in middle school, when you were figuring that out And all the homies found out, you know We all found out together how to beat off You know, one guy learning to start telling everybody Yo, you gotta try this shit And the next thing you know, bro, it's a Friday night We're having a sleepover and we're all hanging out

Watching some freaking pornography together Just beating off Oh, yeah The devil's video game, baby You know, that little spunk bowser You know what I'm talking about Fighting that damn inner enemy Onward

Just a bunch of freakin' 12-year-old dudes Just getting there I mean, nothing's coming out We couldn't come yet, but, you know We were trying Um Anyway, we wasn't gay or nothing It's just

You can know your boys found out how to beat off You're like, dude, this shit's sick Anyways, bro Love you, podcast Love you, man Gang gang Gang, baby, this shit's sick, bro Dang

Bro, we were at Randall's And we were beaten No Yeah, baby, I feel like it's All interesting how does it come in your life? How do you learn? Is it in a comfortable space? Is it in an uncomfortable space?

I'm sure if you and all your friends are out there Just driving, you know, you know Beating, but not even saying it Not even, you know, just like the damn Blue man group out there You know, you guys are doing You know, you're putting in the work But nobody's

You don't really know, you know, you're not You just Y'all ain't getting nothing out That's the damn blue man group Hell, that could have been How the blue man group started Couple dudes beating And there's no, you know, no geysering

You know, no spouting The next thing you know, they damn turn blue And they start a band Yeah, I think, look, of course There's nothing gay to nobody Unless there's a gay dude who was in the group If that's the case, then that is his He, bro, he saved the sheets, that guy

If you have a friend who isn't married And he's never had a girlfriend And he wears a bed sheet every Halloween With the eyes cut out And it's the same bed sheet And that dude is a, that dude was an undercover gay dude Who was in y'all's friend group Because he's probably, he probably started taking art classes

He's drawing, the reenact, drawing those scenes I mean, to him, that's everything But yeah, it's interesting how do you learn it I remember somebody At school one time said the word dildo And I didn't know what it was You know, and I knew a lot of words, I was a word boy People, you'd see me sometimes running down the street

A damn preposition fall out of my bag Or a ING, or a, you know, LED Or a damn, you know, you know, you'd see a damn On and on a page, just roll, you know Fall out of my shirt sleeve or something I was a word boy And, and man, yeah, you see Yeah, well, I don't know

No, I don't know But that's one way, look I think that's insane to see people just using a damn air rifle To some of y'all, you know That's insane to me, but That's how you learned it I mean, I remember I I had

I had found some nudie magazines Titty Literature You know what I'm talking about? Titty Literature, baby You know And, uh, And I found them on the top level of my brother's closet And dude, I got out there And at the same time, I found a little bit of Alize liquor

And that shit was peach, peach flavored or something Something beautiful, beautiful flavor, you know Flavor, they didn't have a lot of flavor back then You had peppermint, you had strawberry You had lime and just come out And people were all crazy about lime, you know You'd see husband, you know, spousal killing Somebody choked a spouse to death

He wouldn't share the lime, you know He kept the lime in his truck, you know So when peach came out, people were fucking keyed up You'd see people keying each other's cars And yelling, you're a pussy Out of their vehicle when they were driving by and shit People didn't know how to handle the energy Because nobody'd seen peach before as a new flavor

And damn, when it hit the scene, people were gassed up And, uh, I got up on that It was the top level of my brother's closet And they had some nudie magazines and some liquor And I'd never had an air one of them, bro And I crack open one and I crack open the other And next thing, you know, I'm, you know I'm touching myself to the magazine and sipping on the liquor

And then I'm sipping on... One point I'm sipping on the magazine, dude I'm trying to pour the titties into my mouth And I'm touching the bottle I just got all damn confused And then at one point I blacked out and fell off that shelving unit You know, like a damn... You know, I fell off a child, I landed a man, baby

And I was blacked out unconscious And had liquor, uh, peach liquor on my breath Amen, baby, that's all I gotta say Let's take another call You guys had some great ones The hotline is always 985-664-9503 Onward Hey, this is, uh, Stevie D

Calling out of New Jersey Stevie D Out of New Jersey And some people can't even spell their last name You know, and I'm not saying that's sad, Stevie I just, you know, we're here for you, buddy Stevie D, thank you, brother Onward

Just calling to tell you what it's like to have your brother Walk in on you, uh, you know, jerking it Not only did my brother catch me jerking it But also my sister and my mother did as well Not at the same time Although I think that might have actually been better But, yeah, anyways, uh, it's fucking horrible It's exactly how you would imagine it

You know, it ruins not only that day But a week, possibly 10 days of your life Just feels pure shame You know, your brother tries to pretend everything's okay But you know it isn't Oh, yeah I mean, your brother's no, you know He's no, uh, you know

Benedict Cumberbatch or whatever He's no, uh, Brad Paisley He's not a great actor So he can try to pretend all he wants that everything's fine But it's, the reality is seeping through the seams That he knows that you are, you know Touching your body in such a unique way That semen's coming out of it

And that is, that's a lot, man It sounds like a lot anyway, Onward My mom was probably the worst though Because she walked in and I was just sitting on a bed Staring at a laptop at naked Sitting there crisscrossed applesauce Oh, Native American style Now, you gotta respect that a little

You know, I'm one-eighth Pontiac, baby And you gotta respect a man who gets back to his roots To get back to his roots Onward And, you know, it really just, uh, Made me take a good look at my life But, yeah, it's exactly as bad as you would imagine it Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I can imagine

That I can see when all the family sees it When all the family gets the hang of that, uh When they all get to, and then they're talking it You know they're talking about it You know they're going to the movies And after the movie they're walking to the car And one of them's like, oh, you know Remember when, uh...

Hey, this is, uh, Stevie D Remember when Stevie D, you know, was bursting himself over there You know, and then the other one's like He was bursting himself by me, you know So, yeah, I'm sure that they have had a real hoot Now, I'm sure you're giving them a lot of joy Now, at the time, very traumatic Best of your sister and mother to see it

I mean, don't you have to lock a door? Or don't you know how to damn close a door? What do you, you know... And who sits there in Native Americans? I mean, I guess I, you know... You know, I'm sorry I'm really judging here But I just, you know, I just... Well, here's what I would do

I think you should at one... Make some joy out of it now I would have them all bring a scorecard to the table one day Y'all are at dinner, you have dessert, have a pudding Have a pudding And be like, look guys, on the count of three I want you to all rate me on how you felt like I was doing as a masturbateur

And then they all hold that card up You get a nine, you get a six If your sister gives you a ten, dude Then you guys... Then that's on her now If your sister gives you a damn ten on... On Turbatin, that's on her So I think, but that would add some levity to it

And really bring it off that high cliff of, you know Stevie D's a pervert, you know Stevie D's a pervert Alright, let's get in another one here right here Homeward What's up baby bear, this is John from Sunny LA I'm just looking out my balcony And enjoying a cup of coffee

And I'm responding to the brothers and masturbation Question that you have What's up John, thank you for calling man from Los Angeles And we appreciate you And if you're drinking coffee and you're looking out the window You almost be damn rich baby If you got a window and a phone If you got a window and a French press son, damn

Y'all must be damn rich Your daddy must have done something, huh? Let's hear more My brother actually taught me how to masturbate And we're best of friends man I think I was like eleven We shared a room and he... He was awake and woke me up and he's messing around

And I'm like, yo Tony, what are you doing? He looked at me man, he said I'm masturbating It feels so good, you've never masturbated? Damn Tony, huh? Homeward I don't even know what that is man So right next to him He sat me down

And taught me And being eleven man with those boners I couldn't get enough of it I was going into school I was like, I'd sneeze and I'd crack a boner I can't believe Riley doesn't He's gotta be walking around full tilt baby Yeah, I mean look

Riley Mao's a homeschooled kid and who knows what happened to him And who knows what God wants for him Or if his parents are trying to detour him Off a God's bust path, I don't know You know this is fascinating to me that your brother It is fascinating to me that your brother Taught you how to masturbate I've never...

I've never heard of that And at first I'm thinking man this guy is This is not good But then the more I'm thinking about it I'm like this is This is Maybe this is how it's supposed to be You know?

Because otherwise who teaches you? You know some creep over there Some guy selling sugar syrup or whatever You know some guy's got you in his truck or something He's a trucker, he drove off the interstate He's putting tootsie rolls in you and Michael Grutch's mouth And now he's you know And now y'all all dampened up over there

Y'all you know and you don't even know anybody Maybe it's the brother's responsibility Maybe it's the brother's responsibility Or the father's responsibility That's a great... I wonder how they used to do it in native culture Because that's where we're missing all of Literally all of these beats you know

Like we're missing this connective tissue that We allow everything to be made taboo And then we... And then it's profited off of Products are created It's like... If my brother taught me how to masturbate I use the same style as him

You know it's like people would know us by our style If you know say a cop saw somebody jerking off near a building And they just see the shadow they could Oh that's how they're... That's the family style You know I mean I just... That's fascinating man You know I think a good response on this

What do you guys think? 985-664-9503 Is it a brother... Is that a good idea? It's a brother's responsibility To teach their younger sibling How to masturbate The father might not be

Because that's... But I don't know Yeah I don't... You don't do it to him But you... I don't know, have somebody's father taught them? I don't know Some of this is just really interesting to me man

You know I learned from a magazine And then I found a dirty movie And I put that bitch in And next thing you know I'd ejaculated And I felt horrible I didn't know what was going on And I felt ashamed There was nobody I could ask

My dad couldn't even hear me I remember he was 82 or 83 And I tried to ask him something And his fucking heart pressure went up And he couldn't drive his car And I remember he pulled the car over And I thought he was so sad that I'd asked him And it had nothing to do with it

He was just senior citizen And just had decided he couldn't drive anymore And I'm just sitting there and... I just... I don't know Just a lot of bad shit but... Anyway, his brother taught him There you go That's one way to do it

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Okay, let's venture into a few more of these Interests in here when we do stuff about sex And that in body sex Okay, here we go Yo, what up to yo gang gang It's your boy Jeff I coming to you from Long Island, New York Jeff I, and that's a rare name baby I is a unique last name

Fighter Jessica I, a UFC fighter Beautiful and tough, gang onward I just want to let you know that I'm a huge fan And you're a huge inspiration to me I'm actually having my son May 25th And I'm actually named Hensio And the name is definitely derived From a huge inspiration of you

And I just wanted to say that You've had a huge impact on me and my life And I thank you for everything you've done for me Over the past couple of years Man, thank you That's very awesome That's exciting You know, I feel

That's very sweet of you man I appreciate it And I'm happy and excited for you guys and your child That's beautiful man You got a little son And Theo is a good name You know I'm just happy for you

Onward But yeah, one crazy fucking story Just got done this into your most recent podcast Teenage Easter My little brother, he's 13 now So we have a pretty decent age gap I'm 25, going on 26 And a couple of weeks ago

One of you was sleeping over in the house He left his phone open And now I'm not the type of person Who's been in anyone's privacy But it was literally open on his browser history So just out of curiosity, I peeped it Okay Onward

And I was definitely fucking scarred for life I felt like I had to wash my eyeballs out With chlorons of bleach after I saw his history man I mean, categories from slam and granny And the fanny, to foot jobs To double penetration, build-o-rides Man, I just don't see how a 13-year-old Is, you know, interested in something like this

You know, I'm just a simple guy It's like the big booty You know, some big tits, categories But I just want to know your thoughts on These youngins getting access to pornographic videography Yeah, well, it's heartbreaking, you know I mean, it's heartbreaking to see that These youngsters are all porned out

You know, the category, it's just too intense now When I was young, the categories were different It was like, you know, tits across the street You know, or like, you know, chick with cough and big tits You know, that would be, you know Or two chicks with a, you know Women, coughing women with tits You're like, oh, this is going to be good, you know

Or lawyer's wife, or woman with asthma with, you know With tits, you know Or woman chasing squirrel with strong labia You know, it was just a different time It was a different time And now the levels of pornography out there It's insane, you know Women fucks building, you know

And you're like, whoa, that thing's three stories, you know Damn, you know, that thing's got a car dealership in the bottom I mean, is she going to be okay? You know, it's just, there's a lot more health concerns Out there now And to know that the young bucks are seeing it, man I don't know, I don't know, I don't know if it's okay I don't know if it's safe

So that, you know, it's just a different time now I mean, I remember we had When we learned about Teddy, you know We had a fella that had soft hands I mean, just so soft, you know Just like his hands were just probably 40% polyester And he just had the softest hands And I remember we would get him to put his hands like this

And to get a pencil, half a pencil And get the eraser sticking out And he'd do that after school With that eraser sticking out And you'd go over and you'd feel on his hand on the What was it, a nipple And one of your other buddies who was in choir He would whisper, titty in your ear, you know

So it was just, it was like this perfect storm You could feel this soft kind of nipple thing And he's saying, titty, and you got this Just this robust sense of feminine, you know, of abreast And that was porn You know, we had to all meet up, it was just joining four It was just, you know And now it's just, I mean, you know

There's just no God in it At least we were together and there was a little bit of unity And you had to, you know, get a pencil Yeah, I mean, that was all it took for arousal for us And now the waters are deep The waters are deep and the waters are devilish You know, and sometimes you need God's help Man, I would maybe take your brother over to the church

You know, and I'm not saying beat his ass at church But, you know, maybe get out the car And hit him once and see if God wants you to hit him again You'll know immediately Because sometimes the older sibling has to come in And be God's hit man You know, sometimes the older sibling has to come in And be God's hit man

Because if not, what's next for the boy? You got to ask yourself that And I say you have to, you have to You're the brother, man But dang And also I don't want him teaching little Theo That's me, now I'm in, now I'm in I don't want him teaching me this shit

You know, nine years from now his little, you know, my uncle Is going to be, you know, he's going to be, you know What's he going to teach me, you know, it's just I don't What's he going to get me for Easter or whatever I don't need all that shit, I'm only nine So just take care of us, man Take care of us And congratulations on the new kiddo, man

I'm excited for you guys, baby Gang, gang Oh, man, we got one more call right here Hey, Theo Vaughn, this is Tyrell I'm just driving home back to California And I was listening to your podcast Thought I'd get some stuff off my chest Tyrell, baby, thank you for calling, man

And it's good to get some diversity on the pod, baby We love you guys, dude And we know you are good folks Onward Just driving home back to California And I was listening to your podcast Thought I'd get some stuff off my chest You know, I've been single for quite some time now

I haven't been having sex in the last, I don't know Two years, and I just need some advice, man How do I get back in the gang? How do I, you know, get my I'm really wet, if you will Appreciate it, but what you doing Keep it up later Gang, baby, you trying to get that hitter, baby

And I feel you, look, first of all You got to get a woman or something that has, you know Something that's willing to let you Get inside it And legally, I think it has to be a woman Or man, but I would, you know I don't know where you reside on the sexual spectrum But

It has to be one of them So I don't know how to get back out there Are you dating? Did you give me any more information? Let me listen one more time Stuff off my chest, you know I've been single for quite some time now

I haven't been having sex in the last, I don't know Two years Okay, now that's a long time And there's a lot of asexuality going on So, you know But sometimes you go through patches And you don't need to feel like you have to have sex All the time, that's something that's crazy

You know, that's a crazy thing Because once you start that fuse inside of yourself Like, I gotta have, I gotta get, I gotta meet girl, girl, girl Dude, that shit got lit in me years ago And that thing is a nightmare And mine's finally starting to quell a little So I don't feel that constant need Like I need approval

Because that fuse will get lit And it will just keep going And it's not even you You're just acting on this impulse So first of all, you're coming from a great place of peace I'm choosing, I would like to get that damp baby That labia, you know what I'm saying, bro? That little smut mitt and dough

You know what I'm saying, bro? That's not holster So, I think you got a great shot, dude I don't know how to just get back in just to sex I think it's kind of easy People are doing sex all the time Even though I read an article That animals aren't even having sex anymore

So that's, I don't know what that's going to be like in the future You know, you go to pet stores And there's just videos and shit And just reenactments in there of just Our little stuffed animals I have no, you know A lot of scary stuff going on But if you have any suggestions for Tyrell

How to just get sex Go get you a little hooker Also, if you want that I guess I don't know enough to know what you want But if you just want to get the willy wet Then I think you could, you know You could go to another country and get you a little hooker You know, that titi for hire baby

You could do it Or talk to somebody There's a lot of women out there at these days Who are open to sex Just to help somebody out But I don't know If you have a suggestion for Tyler T You can hit the hotline

985-6649-503 And that's a good Those are both interesting things That are going on But yeah, how to just get some sex Damn, just, you know Look, I bet if you ask 40 women Two of them will say yeah

A lot of people don't care You know, sex isn't as important to them Or they're just not as much of a hang-up for them So, and I haven't seen a picture of you Or a drawing of you So I don't know much about you But you sound like somebody That somebody would thought

To be real honest Let me listen again real quick I haven't been having sex in the last I don't know, two years And I just need some advice now Yeah, you're driving across California You can drive You can talk and drive on the phone

At the same time Somebody will fuck you, bro I think Yeah, somebody will for sure, dude So I think just stay active, man Stay alive If somebody has a great suggestion for Tyler You can also offer for Tyrell

Sorry, brother 985-6649-503 Damn, Will Wade got fired LSU basketball coach, I broke my heart Okay What's going on with me? I'm good You know, some stuff on the personal side

We'll get into it on another episode You know, trying to feel good I washed my hair So, yeah You know, I think I'm going through some spaces Where I'm kind of having some new feelings about stuff And that, you know, I'm trying to see what that's like Trying to pay attention to my feelings

Yeah So kind of maybe where I've always been But Really grateful to be here today with you guys Really grateful that I get to do this And I get to spend time with you And we get to share things in our lives That are fun or interesting or weird

Or somebody's weird Or our weird We're lucky You know, we are lucky And I feel grateful for that I'm going to be putting some new tour dates out I'm excited, I don't know what they are yet But I'll probably announce them next week

We have the fundraiser for World Vision For Ukraine For relief efforts And it's going to go, I think a lot of the money Specifically goes to help children So I'm really, really excited about that And Yeah, and if you're struggling with something, man

Just know that you aren't alone, you know And don't feel alone, I love you And And just keep going You know, just keep going, just get to lunch Get to dinner, get to bedtime Sometimes we got to just take the small steps You know, and we take turns

One day one of us is leading the other And the next day the other one is leading the other But that's what a gang is, baby That's what a gang, gang is So y'all be good to yourselves, bro You deserve it And I'm gonna, you know what I'll just finish the song that we started out with

This is Shine by Bishop Gunn Thank you everybody who hit the hotline [phone] You guys be good to yourselves, man You deserve it, gang You know, they want so thin that they're down, they're gone I guess now they just weren't built to last Yeah, I'm gonna die

To make sense of what I can Of where I'm going My story Shine on me And I will find a song I will sing it just for you And I will find the words to help you make it through Call my name

I'll sing every dream Shine a light on me I'll sit and tell you my story Shine on me And I will find a song I will sing it just for you Shine on me Yeah, baby, when we share stuff, man, it just

Yeah, when we share stuff, it's good Yeah