This Past Weekend - E401 Nikki Glaser

Episode Date: July 19, 2022

Nikki Glaser returns to the show for the third time, chatting with Theo about their coming-of-age stories, escort etiquette and what happens next in a post Roe v. Wade world.  Nikki Glaser is a comedian, actress, podcaster and host of the show “FBoy Island”. Her new special “Good Clean Filth” is out now on HBO Max.  ------------------------------------------------ New Merch: https://www.theovonstore.com Podcastville mugs and prints available now at https://theovon.pixels.com ------------------------------------------------- Support our Sponsors: Click-Up: Get 15% off at https://ClickUp.com with the code THEO Ritual: Visit https://ritual.com/THEO  today for 10% off your first 3 months Mint Mobile: Go to https://mintmobile.com/theo and cut your wireless bill to $15 Blue Chew: Try BlueChew FREE when you use our promo code THEO at https://bluechew.com   Manscaped: Get 20% off with free shipping at https://manscaped.com with promo code: THEO Upstart: Check your rate today at https://upstart.com/theo  ------------------------------------------------- Music: "Shine" by Bishop Gunn: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3A_coTcUek ------------------------------------------------ Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to: [e-mail] Hit the Hotline: [phone] Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: http://www.theovon.com/fan-upload Send mail to: This Past Weekend 1906 Glen Echo Rd PO Box #159359 Nashville, TN 37215 ------------------------------------------------ Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheoVonClips ------------------------------------------------ Producer: Zach https://www.instagram.com/zachdpowers/ Producer: Colin https://instagram.com/colin_reinerSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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efficiency that can change use code Theo to get 15% off click ups massive unlimited plan for a year meaning you can start reclaiming your time for under $5 a month sign up today at click up dot com and use code THEO hurry up this offer ends soon we have new be good to yourself teas in summertime colorways like banana salmon and more check them out at Theo von store dot com baby get that hit her today's guest is back for her third time we've had some real moments and and she has a new special coming up on HBO called good clean filth I am I really I'd love this conversation and I think you're gonna

love it too it is my friend comedian miss Nikki Glazer Oh right Nikki Glazer good to see you good to see you too Theo von yeah being alive how what's going on just in town you know doing press stuff like that got a special coming up oh you do boy Island too also coming out okay right and so both of those are on Netflix HBO okay Max yeah oh yeah they're backed like I didn't plan it this way but my special was supposed to come out in March I shot it in November and I don't know about you but like I can't watch myself ever I hate looking at myself so the editing process was so tedious and I

put it off so much that it had to be pushed to July because I couldn't get it edited in time because I couldn't watch myself is I literally was like frozen have you ever felt that way about watching your stand up yeah I always I mean I feel sometimes like I don't it's just such a tough way to capture stand up and to try and get it right in us like in a or just get the exact thing you want in the night even though you get two chances for some reason I make the state same mistakes twice you go why couldn't I just have done it the way I always do it it's like it's um I never but I never listen to myself and I never watch

myself after that's why like stand up you just do it and then you like it was live if anyone like calls you one like oh this thing you did wasn't good you can go well in my head it was good there's no proof of like you can't analyze it yeah I get oh I think there's I think there's well that's something that's I felt like was always nice about everything you know like you used to never be able to analyze everything it was like you know I think about this sometimes like a moment used to have so much value like there's no real like a moment feels like it doesn't have value anymore like a real moment because like

if it's not captured it it started to feel like hey don't capture this but it used to be like hey don't capture this this is important this is like you know and the camera's away yeah and now it's like hey let's not have this conversation until we get rolling yeah like we just sat in silence here like we didn't want to have any kind of any friendship and no there was like a nice greeting and then it was like let's just save it but there's nothing nice about that because we want to be we want it to be genuine we want people to see like what is really going on right like us that we want to save our in our actual

energy so people can see okay this is when they really started talking because you and I didn't talk about I stood up I gave you a hug yeah you sat down and then we waited yeah and then we waited it's like we wait until okay I did like a meditation kind of for however like it was like a minute really kind of just yeah because on the way over I was planning on doing a meditation then I get lost in my phone and so I had a couple seconds while the TVs were being set everything was set up and I just was like just focused on your breathing I did with my eyes open obviously because that would be weird but do that hard

kegel baby push them freaking just tense up everything like yeah like just I don't I don't know what I did but I just centered myself and I was just like whatever happens happens and don't regret anything you say it happened for a reason anything you don't say it was meant to not be said all that bullshit hmm yeah it gets scary I used to feel less scary about podcast and then I think I started to just get in my head so much me too yeah why we should be more free I know because we have more people watching yeah you know I don't know what it is I think some yeah some of it probably became that some of it could

have been ego for me out of our fear you know because I think ego is really ego is just like fear in like a nice cape with a comb yeah you know but what's your fear like what's your fear with podcasting if you could kind of pinpoint what's the what's the thing you have now what's your like biggest fear I always like to do that like okay what's my biggest fear okay and then what happens and then what happens oh yeah I think it's that people show all your life you know I think you want you know even if you don't realize that you're seeking as a comedian maybe you're seeking validation and then they show up and

you're afraid they're gonna leave you know yes or they're gonna look closely and go oh wait this is not what I thought it was yeah yeah yeah this guy's a perv or this guy's a you know yeah loiterer yeah oh what loiterer you know just hanging out oh yeah dude I used to do a ton of loiter and that was a big thing in our area because they didn't have a lot to do so those signs were directed at you because I always wondered who's just loitering like what is it even soliciting loitering those signs I never really understood we didn't solicit I admire the solicitors at least they had they were making money yeah we was out

there just milling around just freaking feeling our penis between our legs you know we're not feeling not touching it but just you know we were just out there just you know just seeing what the wind had to say you know just out there just milling around like you kind of stand in front of the post office and act like you fucking owned it or something just bullshit yeah and no phones I mean that's what loitering no phones just staring into the air yes yeah what did we do I know that's like a very cliche question nowadays but what did we do when we were waiting for something well you know it's interesting because I'll notice some

time I'll have feelings like if I go eat by myself sometimes I'll leave my phone in the car now it's like all right dude I'm just gonna see what God wants you know I was saying baby I would be out there you know I'm gonna be out of here in Mother Nature's laundromat baby you know what I'm saying with no coins you know I'm gonna see what could happen I can see doing that with a friend but like by yourself and what do you what do you do well here's the part that feels crazy the crazy part is when you think okay if other people look over here and I'm just thinking or looking into space I now seem like a like a crazy person

yeah I seem like someone oh that guy is not that guy's not doing well that guy is just got kicked out of the church it's that kind of look you know like oh why would a man be eating by himself with no phone with no phone unless he was unless he didn't know about phones or he lost it someone he wasn't you know he couldn't fiscally afford to keep his phone yeah and but you're nicely dressed too which is confusing as well because no phone should match a different look and that's where then I think people go oh he was with the church he got let go and sit here in shame or just got out prison yeah maybe I don't know hard to get a

phone I don't think I have that look no but you feel that's when I notice I'm like oh my god if I sit here what is the feeling is it a feeling that I'm missing out or that I'm know it's that that doesn't feel normal anymore no and that used to feel real normal yes you know the Chinese pull this up Zachary the Chinese if you take their picture they get angry at you what do you mean like just it like a stranger no something more like do China want us taking their picture do China yeah do the Chinese there we go like get in their picture taking yeah let's fucking be realistic okay hmm well I understand not

wanting your picture taken if you don't know it I used to do that on on the subway oh that's interesting then why do Chinese people take photos everything I remember just being in China I wonder if maybe it was Malaysia and we try to take a picture some and they said no and I remember our teachers would teach us that they don't like their picture take as it captures the soul who believes that picture taking captures the soul there you go that's that's the goob who believes pictures capsules Mayans okay well that's damn kind of close to Malaysian but not but do you

feel like over time okay with yeah and the Mayans who knows what they were you ever see do you ever see a picture of yourself where you don't know what's being taken and you have just a look where you're like whoa I that my soul is in that where you just have like a dead look that just a moment that captures like really what you're feeling in that moment like you just you don't know like um where it's just I think we have these things I've learned about it in some class I took once where I was paying attention and you have flashes we as humans need to communicate in there like microseconds long but it will show I

could be like smiling in such a good moment if I'm in a bad mood you for a flash you'll see my real truth of like discomfort or anger or whatever it is and it's just a quick flash but it's enough to send the person that you're talking to the message without them actually knowing that you did it and sometimes those pictures catch that but mine's usually just like a dead stare just like yeah just kind of sad kind of a sadness do you get sad I mean who doesn't oh yeah I spent too much time getting sad I realized I realized I was getting sad and then I was getting stuck in my own sadness you know I was like

why am I sad I was asking that too much instead of just doing things to not be sad man I was just about to ask you what makes you sad so I don't know if you want to answer that but like you've got given a lot of thought like what's something that'll go trigger it and go you know spiral we see something loneliness I think probably getting older sometimes seeing people with families if I don't have a fam that kind of stuff sometimes I'll get me you know like but then you really like kind of look at the you know you know like all that kids going to prison in seven years like I do not want little Jonathan you know that's

yeah but I do think it's interesting how it's like almost that we like even friendships now it's like recorded and put out people it's like I wonder if in like 20 years people will listen back and like oh listen to these friendships on tape you know oh yeah it'll be like there you know oh wow let's go listen to some friendships like or like human like if podcasting if it gets to the point where humans and don't interact anymore oh yeah what does it sound like when they used to talk to each other yes or what is it like oh what about a hug let's go look at some old videos of people hugging you know or somebody tickling

somebody you know oh my god do you like being tickled I don't mind it do but when I was growing up they had I miss tickling tickling was such a part of childhood getting pinned down yeah I used to love doing it I used to look like there's something about it's though it's the worst feeling in the world and a lot of the porn sometimes when I'm watching porn they'll be like tickling videos and I have no interest in that it's not like a sexual thing but I guess it's a whole genre of porn the tickling stuff yeah it relates like just people tied up being like laughing girl yeah I hate it when now what do you think you what do you

think you don't like about tickling I mean I used to love it as a kid because I think it was probably just like touch yeah like it was just like I don't think I got enough as a kid I really didn't my mom hates when I say this on things but I just don't think I got enough human touch yeah so I think I liked when me and my cousins or me and my sister would tickle I would used to love to like wrestle I just wanted like to be touched and like someone trying to get me yeah yeah tickling felt like somebody I think was gonna be able to like I think it started to feel like when does it end it's almost too much yes it's too it

feels too exciting there's a mix of like it feels too exciting I'm gonna shit I think there's a little bit of that yeah like fart yeah something like that like somebody's gonna get the truth out of me yeah oh yeah a sound or something's gonna come out of me laugh why do we laugh with tickling why is that it's so weird I think yeah I it's that a sound's gonna come out of me that I don't want someone to hear that I didn't create so vulnerable yes like that's really vulnerable yeah it I do compare it though too I always used to say that tickling was like masturbation in the sense that if someone else does it to

me I'm laughing I can't I can't control it but if I do it to myself really I feel stupid I'm just like I see it coming I think part of sex is like or part of being turned on or is the unexpected you know I mean so I now I don't struggle with it as much but like I never really understood why people how people could masturbate and not see it coming in the same way that like this doesn't do anything to me but if anyone were to do this to me I'd be like yeah like I would how is that because I can predict it so right I'm like I can't I know what's gonna happen here yeah masturbation gets kind of masturbation really runs its

course you know I met this guy one time at a library and she had she didn't have any fingers on one of her hands she had like a I don't know what it was called a nub yeah but it was more than when you do crab legs and it was all the go on you take all the legs off the crabs and it's almost like a little just like the hand to me depart it was like that thing that Thor has now I just saw it the other day what is it I just saw the movie that super hammer yeah this gal had a real super hammer on her and bring up Tom Dempsey too if you can bring him up he's a famous guy what is what does this have to do with masturbation well so I

remember I met this guy at the library and then we wanted to get together bring him up there you go you met a girl at the library when is this video this was nine years ago okay but that's Tom Dempsey right there so he's got that freaking hammer look at that claw hammer wait zoom in on that hoof baby that's crazy he died unfortunately mm-hmm and he at the he had a 73 yarder okay I know he got a 73 so you met this girl at the library nine years ago right and I remember she would like kind of like and we got involved in sex right yeah and so she would like kind of like pick up a girl at the library pick up a girl

anywhere and then get involved in sex I really don't understand this you just have a vibe did you know right away like this is happening no I sat down and she was kind of cute and we were talking we both were in the library so right there you know things probably weren't going great at the overall I think if you're at the during you know at that time you know the library hasn't been like a real hotbed of why I asked the timeline cuz I go nine years ago yeah even then yeah it was there's phones around and especially even in Los Angeles man a lot of the library out here is just a lot of people mean as we saw a dude try to

climb into a fucking book this fucking homeless tried to get into one of those big atlases you know trying to take a vacation the long way you know but she was she would like play with herself kind of I remember this girl would like kind of play with herself with her and she had a stomp with her unlimited hand she would kind of play with herself and then she would kind of this isn't she would kind of like beat this like beat the top of her uvula or whatever it's called she would like hit it with the club with the it was almost like a damn like treble and bass you know it was like she was like remixing her own

puss kind of it was I mean I don't know I don't know what happened oh and then I remember it was like it was a it did you know a lot of women sometimes some women will have it just if it had a very violent odor to her vagina every time she'd hit it with that hammer it just I knew another like waft oh I knew it was gonna be a lot of man my toes would just curl up and I can't be a I can't be a part of this so was this something was this a one-time thing or was it a repeat thing and you noticed that this odor was not getting remedied I can't remember if it was one time or two times yeah but it we ended

up separating right because of the odor you think it was just a lot it was a lot of stuff I think we didn't really get along that great and we barely even knew each other maybe we literally met at the library and then we're you know trying to get involved sexually I'm not being like obtuse about this I really need to know how you go from library talking to like let's go have sex did it did it go did you go on a date did you go like was it was there's just something in the air that you both knew you're gonna have sex with each other like I don't understand I think we might have met for a drink okay something or a coffee okay maybe and

then did you ask her about what happened here like how long before you found out no I don't like to ask about that kind of stuff I usually say something like oh I think it's pretty cool you have like a unique hand or you have a you know like you have a you don't have a leg or something I think that kind of stuff's kind of fascinating sometimes oh I love it yeah but I like the story behind it because I think most people don't ask them and so I like to go ahead and go what's going on there hmm hmm but that's a scary question to like yeah and maybe I didn't you know I don't know but I like that you would at least

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makes more sense to me because I feel like some people just meet and they just like no and then they just start going at it like I've never understood if you get a like if you get a hooker like if my I don't know why like if you get an escort my friends that have done that I'm always fascinated like what so they walk in who makes the first move do now that I understand it and I've asked questions I guess they come in and they sit down on the bed next to you and they just start like rubbing your leg and then things usually progress from there but like that first moment of like going from like hello to like

touching each other's genitals and like kissing I don't know how that happens most of them they seem like take their gum out first and then do you talk about what's gonna happen before in the rate or is that all I mean look that for me it's happened when I've been high on cocaine I get I started in interviewing hookers or whatever online or whatever and then next thing you know you're you know the saddest is when you're like you're negotiating the rate that's like the set for like 75 bucks off and you're like this is this is not gonna hit well you know I want to hook up with someone that's like oh god this guy's so like

yeah I'm giving him a discount doesn't that take something out of it I'd want to pay more I think yeah that's well that's an overall great attitude you know I I've just you know I but I guess when you're high on cocaine you're not making the best decisions on yeah and I didn't have any money when I'm right right right okay that makes sense and so then yeah I think yeah but usually they take their gum out one of them was real angry one time and I just paid her to not be just to go it just and a lot of times that for me I get it's like it's I get so I'm so out like I'm so like kind of freaked out by the time there cuz you

have to like hide everything it's it's alarming yeah and you have a long time before they show up so the impulse to like I'm horny I'm high I haven't come over then 45 minutes an hour passes and in that time sometimes are you like are you can you sustain that excitement and then they show up and you're like I have to do this you kind of like I think it's a lot of fear and they a lot of times seem like they're wasted or something I'm trying to do they look a lot of times what they looked like in the ad or no it's definitely more of a Ross it's more like you get like the Ross version of whatever you kind of like was in the

photos a lot of times but then it's just people don't want to put their real cells at you know that makes sense but yeah most of the time you know and I've even talked to a lot of them they say it's like a lot of you know a lot of guys it's a lot of guys that are high and then they go over and there's not even a lot of sexual interaction a lot of times so because when you're coked up doesn't your your weenie is not doing anything convince yourself it is gonna work even though coke dick everyone knows as a thing and obviously you've probably had it happen before did it is that not in your is your performance

level even a factor or is it just like I'm paying for this so it can be whatever I want it to be I think do you want to show them a good time are you trying to make them come are you trying to like stand out as a client I'm just thinking like what would go through my head of like I want this person to remember me and I've never thought I want to stand out as a client like be the best he's ever had like a sexter is so pedestrian it's like oh every day the same thing like one time this you want to be memorable I don't know one time this girl I want to be completely unmemorable I have a lot of times I've

put on sunglasses and stuff because I've already been high yeah or I've been like you know I think a lot of it is the allure to it's like I'm high on cocaine we need some chicks and it's like there's no way to get chicks at like 3am yeah if you're just like alive on you know if you don't you know and you're not like in a place where there's like awake chicks you know so it's like you have to get you have to reach out to awake chicks so basically you need some some guy you need some girls with insomnia right in the middle of the night hooker it's just sleep clinic they're really just awake chicks it's not even it's like

a diner yeah but I would say that 66% of the time or even 80% of the time it's been like I've probably had maybe I would say probably I don't know five six experiences in my life and 80% of the time it's been a negative experience oh wow what was that one good time because if we're talking 80% five times um that's I think one time the lady was just really really nice okay but other times yeah it's like a lady you know one time a lady had a gun a guy with a gun hanging out outside and it was like I can't I can't even get an erection like if there's like you know like broken glass around so if oh for sure dude if

I'm hard and somebody's broken glass in the vicinity if the neighbors are having a party and somebody chips a wine glass like a damn meat ghost my dick is gone okay my dick is so it's over and the girl that was nice did she was she just like nice afterwards and it was like it was just nice she was just nice she just seemed like a nice guy yeah and I'm sure they're so relieved when it's I mean I don't know what you're like in the circumstance but you seem you're you've seen like a nice guy like even in that state of mind they're probably relieved you're not gonna murder that I mean every guy is a gamble there's so much

fear in all that moment unless you're like with your butt like we had I feel like I'm doing all the talking no no no this is fast no no no I want to know so you you've you've gone in with other guys on it before well no or one show up well I used to live with a family member that was an exotic dancer you know and not exotic like Joe like like in a cage or something you know with like mange or something you know just like a stripper dancer lady of the you know burlap you know burlesque but with tits and it's a bad word I mean it this is not yeah exotic dancer though yeah yeah I mean my she had an LLC and everything

so it was like you ever seen her perform I mean she's a family member no but we looked similar and every now and then there would be like a businessman that would look at me in a strange way and I would be like no and I would know that flash like you're talking about yeah flash of truth yeah it would just hit me like this guy's having some you know he's familiar like have I met you before and be like no you haven't get back to your wife you know I'd say shit like that under my breath but are you sad when you found out your family member was Dan was it something that was like oh we see this for her or was it like you got

you can't do this no cuz I think I think she kind of like took it in like an empowering type of way I mean I know there was probably some behind this you know once I later got older and realized like oh we're messed up and that's why you know you know people are showing their body or we're out we're out here that you know desperate for some type of attention yeah I've always kind of felt like I'm up to me is emotional yes that's what I feel like the things I talk about the things I say like have are so they're like you know they're full fully like what you know some strippers only do topless what's it

called when they're like yeah I feel like I like I expose myself like asshole everything like I feel like I sometimes do that you know metaphorically in a way that's like who could no one's gonna love me because I talk like this or like yeah if it gets back to someone that I've done this or said this thing to a family member of my boyfriend or like they'd be ashamed and sometimes you yeah I feel that way I feel like why did I do that that was gross and then other ways it's like oh it's really freeing and it's like fuck what anyone thinks I don't know I struggle with it but I'm sure you know at least I can like age into this

but not even like as I get older I'm like stop talking about sex and all the things that were like a little bit cuter when you were younger but it's like I I'm not I don't think I'm not doing it to like I'm not doing it so people like think I'm hot or to like turn men on that's never been like my goal and if it does I'm always like oh god like I don't like that energy around I don't like when guys come up at meet and greets and are like hey hey can you roast you roast me like first of all we that that guy and I would never be compatible because that's a guy that like wants me to stomp on his balls with

a stiletto heel or something you know what I mean like that's a guy that likes to get like a guy that wants to be roasted and is like horny for it hmm it's not gonna work but they like some guys do get horny for it but do they oh yeah there are some guys I like love to beat like the fact that they watch my roast and you can tell they show up being like they sit in the front row just like so eagerly please please really have a small fucking dick yeah well they like it but then how why what do they want out of that um they want a what they maybe don't want they they maybe want somebody to very popular why they want that yeah

I mean like that's a that's a huge genre of porn of just like being dominated and being told like yeah you little pussy bitch get your fucking stupid dick and like just yelling at them but I don't like your dick never went to school boy you know get your dick back out there at work yeah I don't I relate to like I like the I like the other side like I enjoy I don't like being made fun of in bed or sexually or called like you're an ugly like anything mean about me but I like being dominated or being told like just feeling like powerless a little bit so I get I get what these guys want but I that's not

it's the opposite I'm the opposite on stage of what I would want in a relationship so anyone that's like I'm really horny for like I watch her stand up and I'm just like gosh she's so fucking hot I'm just like it would never work between us but you bet I'm sure you hooked up with some fans though huh never no no never I really haven't I just don't I'm not I just feel like I it's not that I'm not honest up there and it's not exactly what I want to say and what I want to do but I feel like in a relationship I just want to be or in a sexual scenario I don't want to be in control I don't want to be in a position

of power I don't want to be the one talking I want to be like a quiet hole like I just don't want to that's a lot I do that too I feel like because stand up is all about control we write our own stuff we're the only ones on stage we get we have we decide what we write we we're the only ones talking we overpower anyone we don't have a band there's no collaboration it's a control thing and I think that yeah I think in sex or in a lot of ways we just look for ways to get out of control because we're like tired being in control so that's the last place where I want any control I don't want to think about anything it's so

nice yeah tonight that's the one time where it's like even during massages that I pay for I feel like still a pressure to like respond to them or like stay awake or talk to them or like not fall asleep there's always pressure and I feel like in sex if you're really connected with someone and like have that dynamic you can I can really like disappear and not it's almost like disappearing in a way that's probably not healthy because you're like trying to get out of who you are and like not be in the room yeah I think that's so fun to be able to do that and not be like it to get high from sex without drugs or

whatever that's I mean if I'm not smoking weed and I don't drink anymore but since I go in and out of smoking weed that's like that's my high and then I want to do that I mean I just like fucking switch things I mean so you're saying like okay so you're saying like during so you like being kind of your submissive okay yes so then here's what I think is interesting is I think there's different reasons why men and women then get into probably comedy for women for men I think the original thing is I want to be seen by women I want to be validated you know you know Sarah to look at me or I want Angelica to you

know see me and think oh there's something about him yeah and it works so for women then what is that because if y'all aren't out there trying to trap oh man I'm trying to get seen but I'm trying to get seen and and heard and so for some more of a business almost since I think it's about I think it's about wanting to be heard and feeling like I just felt like growing up if I kind of like really pull it apart and figure out why I do it I think that's like I felt like a weird kid I never got to the things I would say would always make people go like ew like what and like look at each other concerned want to get

me help so I just learned to like not talk and also I thought that if I ever talked boys would call me ugly so if I ever said something it would make it would make people look at me and remember that I existed and then they would call me ugly and then that's like I mean because it happened a couple times enough where it was like okay I learned my lesson like do not talk because the boys that are like just yeah just and the boys that liked me honestly I look back and I'm like they were the ones that called me Ellen when Ellen was like had just come out and was gay did you seem like a gay woman yeah cuz I didn't

like a lot of looking stuff no I just didn't like boys I did I liked boys but I didn't want to talk to them I didn't want to kiss them I didn't want to date I mean I wanted to but I didn't know how and so I just never had boyfriends and so I think that they were just like Nikki's gay so they call me Ellen and and then like you know just but were you doing hand jobs and stuff where you're proving yourself no dude I didn't do anything wow so you weren't proving that you weren't gay no I mean I didn't I I definitely didn't think I was cuz I love Jonathan Taylor Thomas like a lot and he's almost a woman not wrong Zach

I mean I mean they're handsome guy but they're you know no when I get to that you like I would say the my most recent that I was just like Jesus Christ and I looked his face when I'm like he has a woman's face like he's a really pretty guy so I don't know like I definitely somewhere on the spectrum but no I like dudes and I but I was too scared of them because I just I thought it would be bad at things that's why I'm so interested in like how do you make a first move like how do you go from library to sex because to me even now I'm like how if you're not drunk how do you make a first move how do you go from like we are

just people talking to we are gonna put ourselves inside each other is just so wild to me and I was just too scared I couldn't couldn't do it I didn't kiss a boy until I was 17 wow really yeah and it was just because my friend literally like brought this guy in the room and was like you're making out with him and like sat him down and was like you to go and I was like thank you someone's making me do something so I feel like in sex when I'm submissive or like in that kind of role and someone's making me do stuff or you know with kids like my consent like they're safe words and stuff but if someone's making me do

something I can do anything I'll do anything because I'm a people pleaser and it's not my fault if I do this wrong well I didn't even want to you made me do it if I am not good at this thing well you said I had to it's like why should I be good at this is the first time I'm doing it you're making me do this thing so I haven't out oh so it's almost like you could like you kind of play that a damned Linda strat or this yeah damn yeah a little bit tied up and just like I can't I mean I used to have a joke about it but I liked being tied up a lot of times because I wouldn't have to do anything to the guy and not because

I was like lazy but because I didn't want to like be bad at things I just always thought I just had to I would overhear boys and hear them talk about girls and be like oh you know she gave me it like she scraped my dick with her tea too much teeth or like always that kind of stuff when you were young you know it ruined that everybody's scared yeah if you're a high school student out there boys you left freckles on my dick somebody said that one time that is the worst that's the way you will not get pussy is if you talk around girls that you want to fuck about girls that you have slept with and you disparage them

you might think it because I get the psychology of guys if you like a girl you talk badly about other girls so that this girl feels like like oh I don't like her I like you but girls for me at least I would hear that and say he's gonna do that to me so I'm not ever gonna touch this guy because I don't want to be the girl that gets made fun of behind my back I remember my buddy one time got a the first BJ in our area right yeah people were fucking fired up wait what is that we're talking in your area seventh grade yeah yeah that was around the same so he got BJ'd up and everybody was fucking you could hear

people cheering in the damn distance it was like you know you could hear his ancestors like you know you could see I mean Betsy Ross put another star on the flag you know like people are excited right yeah so then it the story came out that people started hearing about it yeah and then the gals parents heard about it so then the gal and her parents went over the parents called my buddy's parents because they were real pretty religious and so they're gonna come over there and talk about this if people's BJ and and if our child's BJ and we're gonna come over there and talk about it so they drove over and my

buddy was like dude I remember talking on the phone or it was like I have to go sit in there and they want us to tell them everything that yeah here's the crazy part here's the craziest part they made them show not like physically show them like what their sexual parts but like okay show us how you were show us how you were so then the gal is because my buddy let me put the phone on and let it be just under the table in there and when the meeting was my god so cuz I think the parents wanted to make sure that everything was into was nothing like force that happened okay so they're having it basically reenactment right then

here's the crazy part they send the kids out of the room so that they can talk about it and I don't remember exactly but I swear my buddy another one while they were talking about that's when you got a fucking beat that hammer son I mean the 7th grade I remember the first girl that gave a blood 8th grade the first and it was just like it was out I couldn't believe your mouth on a penis like to I've all the chicks were like oh and all the guys like yeah I mean it was so titillate everything about it but I was like god damn it I haven't even kissed boy I'm years away from kissing a guy a friend of mine just put I remember

sobbing the first time one of my close friends sucked a penis I cried so hard because I knew that I would have to do it someday oh and I also knew that I lost her like we don't have anything in common now if you can do that it was like my friends who rode roller coasters I wanted to so bad but I was too scared I just couldn't do it and I would just sit at Six Flags and sit on the bench Jan it's gone yeah yep that's how I felt she's gone and I lost her I really cried like I mourned it because I just felt like I'm getting left behind and I did like all my friends got boyfriends were like hooking up getting their pussies

eaten and I just had never even kissed a boy and I would be like just but I knew everything I would ask every detail so by the time I did that stuff I knew exactly what to do I was not I was not nervous by the time that I got to the place where I was like you're like the librarian of it kind of it seems like you're kind of the prophet at that point you're yeah yes I knew everything and I didn't get my period till super late and I was by the time I got my period all my life I knew everything about because my friends I would ask every detail I put in a tampon like I was like an old grizzled ant like it was like I'd been

doing it for years and you as a girl you don't start with tampons you start with like pads or like toilet paper and you're like am I dying why am I bleeding but I was just like oh I know what to do here because I just knew because I'd ask so many questions and I think that's what I still have is that like curiosity about sex like it even though I have it and now I'm in that world I still am just like I just want to know every detail I just think it's fascinating like how we get from being clothed to unclothed and like licking each other's privates it's just so weird yeah you got to get you you got to get stupid like

you that's what horniness does it makes you kind of dumb well yeah when you think about that horniness is built into you I mean when you're a child and it starts to go off in you I mean it's basically like you're sitting there just pretending that you're not just full of fireworks all the time you know did you know what the feeling was cuz I didn't know what it was I was just like oh yeah I remember being horny bro where you should did and I'm by my I don't know what it was I didn't know to have shame about it like I didn't know that this was a feeling like I would just watch Dave Matthews storytellers on VH1 and like

rock back and forth on my heel and not really know like sweating and getting like real horned up and do it in front of my parents like I wouldn't even know that what I was feeling I was so out of touch with like what that was do you remember like the first time you started getting my buzz I remember my buddy William would like drag his body across the carpet with like front down you know with the front side down and just he would literally just like in the military crawl all around the fucking house getting hard you know and I mean you know yeah you'd see like we'd be watching an episode of like Little House

and the Prairie and like you know they'd get in there swimming you know Vong John's and damn there goes William just damn elbow crawler bro he'd be off he'd do two laps through the kitchen bro before he come back to this man he just couldn't handle it he just keeping his front just flush on the carpet you know yeah I mean well it's interesting that that so that happens inside of us so that's a thing that says hey we want to have sex we want to procreate we and and that nature wants it to happen kind of sometime after that probably nature yes I'm saying so that's nature's plan you know is people doing sex when

they're probably 16 or something or 14 you know oh yeah that's nature's plan sure and so then we come in with our human plan and we say well these are some of our rules and stuff and it's like okay well that's when a lot of like illegalities happen you know yeah and sex issues and stuff like that you know but I feel like I remember it I remember yes somebody blue you know oh then I remember I ended up getting a BJ one time first one yeah and we met out or I remember we were meeting in the woods it was at a party let's go meet in the woods and Louisiana has wood woods it's not I mean there's like spiders there's

like dragons there's like dead bitches out there probably you know there's pirate ships there's a lot in there so you meet in the woods but we met in the woods and it was getting damp like we're meeting it was getting real um muddy so I mean I remember being oh we were slogging and dude and then I remember you getting even a little bit more like almost like probably a couple inches of water you know my god where are we meeting and I gone kind of the wrong way to meet so I'm like you know I'm like out in damn you know I'm almost in South Carolina you know I'm saying like I really you know I'm in the backdrop of

where the craw dead saying you know I'm saying it's really like I'm passing boats like and you don't have phones how you know where to meet this girl dude I was just following the possibility that I was gonna get a BJ happen I would still be walking if the possibility had never left my head and so I finally we finally got each other and by that point I mean I had like Locus on me I had like I was a damn ecosystem you know like I was certainly I wasn't doing great you know there was like scientists tech texting me there was like oh my god you know it was really oh there was moss growing on the north side of me like I was three

years older when I got to her when I finally got there it was illegal for her to give me the blow job oh my god how long it took man it was it awesome where was it like as good as you had thought it would be because I mean I'm guessing this girl is like a younger like you're on the younger side of things it's probably one of her first two maybe you know maybe she doesn't know what she's doing but was it just so great well by that point other kids had come and looking for us you know okay by that point by the time we finally met it there were other kids yelling in the distance you were missing yeah oh it was

a search party oh it was crazy there was a lantern I remember I'm like somebody had a little lantern out here there was a lantern there was beagles oh there were two beagles you know it was getting and it was getting really really bad you know and so we had to shut it down right okay and then another time so then we rebooked it for a couple of weeks later when someone else had a party yeah you know so oh you knew it was gonna be a blow job yeah I knew it maybe done it before yeah and she was like the one that you knew to go do for that kind of thing but I also liked her oh yeah that's sweet so I really really liked her

and I think I was also there was embarrassment because she'd done some blow job yes you know so you thought did I like her but I'm afraid of what other people will think if I like her oh yeah cuz she's slut one of she's a slut but she'd done some blow job right well I was saying slut as in like people yeah think she's and then what does that mean and then you can't yeah are you one of these guys that if you're dating someone you don't want to know about their history you don't want to you kind of want to convince yourself you want kind of want to be in denial of their past even though you know like you just don't

want to know about hasn't it yeah I don't care anymore that's good because it's like unless they were like work yeah I don't think I care really I think it's more now about what the connection is you know but then I remember me and this gal we befriended somebody so we could go to their birthday right like we kind of cuz you need a spot right so we ended up at this nerdy girl's birthday right matter at the library I'm sure neither of us even really knew her and we're at the party we're trying to use in her for her guest room oh people are trying to like just play games and stuff and it was water balloons and like it was really

it was still like a beat they were real there was more premature you know and so we were trying to get a sneak off for this BJ you know when they're doing like pin the tail on the dog and just things like yeah and time was ticking it was getting later in the day like there's a pony there was a pony oh my god oh my god like we got a sneak off and get this BJ and somewhere around here and so we snuck off behind this tree and it was like they don't really have the trees wide enough to get a BJ behind them where I'm from you know without somebody seeing somebody in birches yeah it's a lot more what's the thickest tree in

Louisiana you think Zach if you pull something up like that because you can really get blown behind one of these okay you know no yeah search only for thickest that taxodium district them huh 15.90 what is that meters girth yeah yeah it's my girth as we're talking meters here I assume diameter hmm so well I guess these people couldn't afford one of those right so because that's really wide enough almost especially at that age in California got the redwoods you can fucking have an orgy behind one of those oh dude you could build a car max behind one of them but anyway I couldn't and the and the

kids mom came over oh shit and was like y'all are blowjobbing and I was like I'm not you know and then the girl felt bad when I said I'm not oh and then I felt bad because I was like it was her idea no I wasn't she was doing it you know all right they're blowjob they're blowjobbing I'm not I'm just standing here she came up she came I was just trying to get some air she came up like my yeah like yeah like my penis was just wandering around the air you can't you can't get you said when was your first complete like you're good man well so then we got busted and that was a bad issue and then probably about I think

it was a couple years later a girl gave me a handjob and knew a small waterway and I like a stream why everything is outdoors for you guys yeah well yeah I think of the people I knew didn't have big indoors yeah so was like if there's not a lot of room indoors you gotta so in a small waterway you were like looking over a small a bobbling brook no it was big it was larger than that I mean you could catch something out of it all right and so you got a handjob out of that into the stream into the straight back scared you know that scared me what scared you never be able to get that semen back no really something about

that hadn't you ejaculated before and felt the same way or did you try to put it back in then like well my armor we jerked off one time and my dad made us bury it out in the yard no way what yeah wait he caught you jerking off and he's bury your semen in the backyard so you in your hand not even in the back it was in the side yard wait that is why why I don't know he said that's God's and that's where it goes oh my god Theo pretty cool that's crazy you got something in your pants baby that's bugging you that's itching that's growing it's probably hair it's probably hair you bushed out baby you George and then

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you try blue chew free when you use our code Theo at checkout just pay five dollars shipping that's blue chew.com promo code THEO to receive your first month free up that weiner baby that's a thing like there are some guys that like I think have an issue with coming and you should because it like when you come it fucks with your limbic system it I mean it it also makes you the the interesting thing I found about when I was I was like reading these books that about like the male orgasm the female orgasm and how much it fucks you up and how I you know I had just had so many experiences where I slept with guys too

soon when I really thought that I had weighed long enough they really liked me this was this was we're going to the next level this was actually making us like we're gonna be boyfriend girlfriend after this I didn't get the word of it but it was like this is in the bag and then we'd have sex and then instantly they would change and like some they just weren't into me anymore and they kind of me yeah and it was about and they would sometimes try to not come because they knew what was coming on the other side of that there was nothing I did it was that they came and then I found out biologically because we used

to like live in tribes and just have sex with everyone and no one like not everybody I'm filled with some people in the tribe that one you skipped a couple yeah like a little Randall over there I can eat chia seeds out of his belly but not think I'm a pass on fucking you know but we used to I'm sure within within reason you used to just like have sex with everyone because you got to make a lot of babies for the fucking totally you had to get more goods to be able to survive the winter yeah cuz and babies don't live so everyone was fucking everyone so your body when you

come as a man your subconscious like your caveman brain whatever it is is telling you don't do not come with this girl again like you already got her if she's gonna get pregnant that's so you've already done it don't drop a second load in this woman because that would be a waste of your sperm so don't that's why men afterwards have this like you know flight response of like get away because it would be a waste for you to fuck someone twice within the same like ovulation period and that's this whole book was about like not making it so like you if you want to keep a guy interested in you just don't let him come

wow ever and they'll be obsessed with you and there is some truth to that I mean like even I feel that way in in relationship I'm all I'm scared of come now because I've on the other side of it when a guys comes there even if they're like my partner at the time there's just a lack of interest in me that was like they were pawing on me before so into me and then afterwards it's as we all feel after we are satiate satiated but I don't like I don't like that to go away suddenly it felt like oh my god then that was fake or something sometimes I'll be like please don't come because I want you to like crave me forever I always

want that to be there I hate when it goes away that's a great point man maybe that's because because I'll say this whenever I would ejaculate into my hand or whatever yeah it always felt like that wasn't supposed to be outside that's one thing that I always felt like yes it's like this doesn't feel like it's just supposed to be outside of me yeah what a because it's a waste that was that semen is to like make a baby and now your body has to like make more you just like wasted this thing that was gonna keep you going keep the human species going and you just blew it like your job as a man is to make sure that

goes into a vagina that is fertile and you blew you failed so there of course there would be some kind of like disappointment or shame on the other side of that subconsciously or even consciously you just blew it out here in the back of a school bus or behind a shoneys or something you're like now you're just riding there on the bus next to your semen and you're just like all right because I feel the same way after I have an orgasm but my thing is that I get sad because yeah it's gonna I get sad because I want to feel that again right now and I have to wait now to build it up again and I'm like it's

almost like after I like to wait to eat until I'm really hungry so that the food tastes better like I love to wait I'm a pleasure to layer and so I always after I come I'm always just like man the most fun part of that whole thing was up until it happened yeah when it happened it feels good but really the best part is the anticipation that's why I love I love anticipation I love when the when I see the waiter bringing my food like that is that's a better feeling to me than when I'm actually eating it I think I like a Christmas I notoriously as a kid I would never open my Christmas presents I would just I

would hoard them and be like because I didn't want Christmas to be over the saddest day of the year is December 26 yeah I might argue the saddest days December 25th the afternoon after Christmas presents are open because people are crying before that it's like what what could be and now you know what is and it's fine it's Nintendo in your psyched and you're playing duck hunt with your cousin but before that it who knows what it could have been wow that's interesting you know I like to think of what if right and I like to know fancy yeah maybe that's some of the differences right there between men you

like to know what I like to know exactly what's gonna go on yeah I don't like there to be a lot of room for I think that scares me you know if there's like a lot of like what could happen I think that's just some of the difference between men and women you know I think that's why like you can see a male orgasm you know it's like yeah you know women orgasm you're like maybe yeah we don't know yes but you know it's more like up in the air is what I'm saying even if you go to that you know yeah this lady said something what you got here Zachary had a video you wanted us to see yeah while we're on this topic

there's a Utah State Rep it's getting a lot of flak for this kind of hot take about semen oh man that I clearly don't trust women enough to make choices to control their own body and my response is I do trust women enough to control when they allow man to ejaculate inside of them and to control that intake of semen so that may be inflammatory but I think as a legislature we have the responsibility to create a legal framework that is friendly and supporting rights that I so she's saying you can control how much semen goes in you no you can't welcome um no I mean like men are stronger than us sorry it's like

that's the bottom line like we all of this is about if we were as strong as you guys this would not be an issue like nothing it's we're the weaker sex physically I mean some of us can work out hard enough and there's jujitsu to use your body strength against yourself but like generally we cannot fight you off if you decide in the middle of sex to hold us down it wouldn't take much it doesn't take much even if we're so fast and we work out every day a guy who doesn't work out in a quick sprint will can catch us you guys are faster and more powerful so no we can't control if you want to come in us you can come in

us oh dang well thanks first of all second of all I didn't say may you that old bathroom trick no I'm not doing anything like that man I never I will I mean I will not I will like to even go and ejaculate in the other room you know no that's not a bad idea you don't associate it with the girl and so you might still have that in you to be like I'm gonna fuck her and so you might still be interested in her that's like actually one of the tactics they talk about in this book I read about male orgasms and avoiding them is like if he has to come like don't have him not associate it with you and then he'll

still like you hmm because it's about like some of that I think makes sense you know but yeah I sometimes I feel so bad about all the you know just all the ejaculate or whatever that I left in different places and just shouldn't have left do you feel like it's like a part of you you feel like it's like yeah sometimes I'd even drive through my old neighborhood and even look at that spot where you buried it to see if the tree grew grew I didn't think about that a tree where you could maybe get a blowjob behind it someday I mean this is all checking out the out your dad made you bury your semen when he

caught you the first time you got caught masturbating you had to take your semen and bury it in the yard like of course you have issues with like a jet like gardening but yeah I mean and it goes it spreads from there I mean like everything we do is because of something that happened in our childhood lesson we learned from our parents who were just like doing their best which wasn't really that great oh I saw one time here reminds me actually there was this this kind of ratchet chick you know I was in like real ratchet kind of chicks for a while I don't know I just liked it you know and she had earrings like on

her like on the sides of her wait on her labia yeah like whoops yeah wow okay never heard of that I'd never I didn't know it could even you think of like clit piercings which seems really painful but that yeah that makes sense just yeah maybe I like she oh this lady was really she was pretty ratchet she had earrings on her pussy yeah yeah and it was like definitely like you could see it like eating popcorn at a ballgame like front row at an NBA game no I don't know what you're saying but like it was definitely are you do you do you I've talked a lot about this before and I'm and I am always curious I don't care

anymore but I used to be very paranoid about like what if the guy thinks my vagina is ugly like if it's not like perfectly like tight and just like a little line like do you care about that stuff when you are there certain vaginas that you're just like yeah like or is it just like I'm horny this is fine whatever like because yeah I just want to I feel like men men and women have so much insecurity about our genitals you guys more so size us is us is also size but it's like if it's we just don't know what other women are deep are have down there and so we we are scared ours is just grotesque

compared to it or at least I'm speaking for myself the only one that I you know the only time I've really had some bad experience with some vagina was um if you know if it's really has it if it if somebody's a ill vagina yeah for a sick vagina or like somebody's but you know has a you know if there is that that's a tough thing you know yeah and I think it can even be the same for men if some of men's wieners stank you know it's like gingivitis like they don't even know it's like a chronic thing it's a bacterial thing that's it yes and I'll even send a friendly text sometimes like hey this isn't to be rude or any I love

hanging out with you but you know but this I mean that the tough thing was that white yeah the girl with that little you know just that damn yeah you know the little drummer girl or whatever yeah yeah when she broke out that little barumpa bum bum do that little drummer girl that shit that was that was too hectic man I wanted to literally you know I don't know a lot of this stuff's interesting man how's your vagina doing how are you doing are you a lot are you dating are you yeah I have a boyfriend oh good yeah I'm back a guy dated for like man we were together three years off and on and then we took a five-year break and then

we've been dated we dated for like about a nine months and then we made it official I think like four months ago but like we went to we went to couples therapy before we were even a couple cuz I was like I just don't want to do this again because we always just break up and get together it's at the point where our families are just like not taking us seriously and so we're we're doing it you're like guns and roses almost yeah I don't like rumors you were getting back together never happened yes an appetite for destruction you know yeah what about you um what's going on I'm actually taking a little bit I'm not I'm not

dating try not to date for 30 days no no not do any dating for 30 days are you on apps and stuff like that I'm on how are you dating before dm slides um after shows meeting some women occasionally women in real time you know yeah but I think it's just I think I've had this kind of like I didn't realize that I've had this kind of software kind of running like I need to have some interaction with the woman right like whether it be a tech techs exchange or a porno or watching a pornography or watching um even a drawing of pussy anything like that any I need to have some interaction of woman you know yeah

buying a wig or something looking at it you know different kind of stuff where you could be like you know I need to have some interaction of woman that where it's like the possibility of a connection of intimacy whether it be just just a female interaction yeah like what could be something yeah yeah cuz I'll notice like I like I'll sit at home no drinking and stuff like that you know so I've been I think I have almost like 90 days sober right now so thanks pretty cool and I I'm realizing and I'm not saying I'm not that I'm not gonna stay in this program but I realize when I sit there or I realize also when I just sit there a

lot of alcoholics they think I need a drink I need I want something to drink I realize for me I want to interact with a female just to know that a female will interact yes yes that's it I it doesn't have to be about sex it doesn't even but I need there's that's my drink yeah oh yeah so it's like I realize oh that's my drink that's my alcohol is that is some sort of validation or acceptance from a woman setting up a date saying hey I'll you know are calling a girl that I care about even you know just any other it could be anything on the spectrum but not a not a platonic for it's like romantic interest yeah romantic but

even sometimes platonic can be part of it because it'll like it depends on what need I have at that moment if I have a need where it's like a sexual need and I'll do do a date with a girl who wants who's looking for to do sex if or I'll do pornography if it's I just want to flirt then I'll just flirt if it's that I want to talk to someone I care about her who cares about me I'll do that but it's like I notice I kind of and a lot of its normal behavior yeah but it's not normal when it's like the second I start to feel a little bit of a comfort that's the thing that I do to solve it every time the second something will like

but before you know before when I was single like the second one would drop off instantly need to replace it with another oh this guy's not writing me back find another one make sure you're still fucking will make sure you're still validated honestly like that someone wants to stick their dick in you even though like I could post a picture and someone would write some disgusting thing that would make me feel that way but you want it to be someone who you would maybe entertain the idea of doing that but it's I know that itch where you just just sometimes you're just going on the apps and matching with someone you

get that hit of dopamine of just like a connection just seeing the connection I don't even need to talk to them like okay that guy would that guy would and I'm a fuck I'm terrified of having sex with people and meeting up with people I a lot of people would fuck you you know that right but and but for some reason I need I don't know but I still crave that I mean and yeah also you you start to age and you go oh I feel it slipping away it's not it's not as it's not as a parent anymore and then you start to feel it go away and then you're like well I'm eventually gonna get old enough where I hope and I really hope no one wants to

fuck me I don't want to be 90 and having people like that'll be your last special for me you know what I mean like that you're vulnerable you're 90 it reverses no you don't want anyone being sexually I don't want to be sexualized when I'm 90 it's like you're a baby again that's why we don't I don't want anyone to want to fuck me cuz I can't fight you off I'm like a fragile old woman so you want to be like not sexual but that's scary to me is like I'm a dying battery of hotness everyone is a dying battery of fuckability and like you can plug yourself in to little like portable chargers right here and there

but those are gonna die too and you're gonna you're eventually gonna have to age that's scary to me oh that's been a very scary thing for me even in the past few years just getting older and feeling like oh yeah first of all like I have to be an adult too I gotta do adult stuff you know taxes and stamps yeah and looking people in the eye when you talk to oh god yeah is that hard for you I think I think all of that kind all that kind of stuff has always been a little tough for me you know but um yeah I have the new thing of like on an airplane I really like to like curl up in a ball like on the window

and I put my foot up on the thing and I don't I make sure not to disturb anyone and I put a sleep mask on and I have like a you know jacket over my head and I'm just like I'm 38 like this is not this is not that's a child thing to do right this is not okay like where I still want to behave like a little like a child like the eye contact thing like sometimes I just don't want to make eye contact with people and and I go that's a thing I did when I was 12 when I was scared to look an adult in the eye like why am I still doing this yeah yeah I think it's all those ghosts of being a child you know that's all we all become

is just the haunted house for ghosts of our youth oh yeah I'm fucking so stuck at 15 are you that's like every time I talked to my therapist about like my fears about you said I just have fears of like boys being mean to me and being like if I reject a guy they'll be like well I didn't even want to fuck you anyway you're old and disgusting like they'll say the meanest thing back which we know guys that do that like the season of f-boy Island that's my biggest fear for these girls that like these three girls sign up for the show and then on and what is on their kids fucking each other by the beach yeah man like it's

it's 13 and 13 nice guys so 13 guys that are like looking for love and 13 guys that are like they are just to like get the money because if you get chosen then you get money you also get the girl but then if you're an f-boy and so you're there to like trick girls but the girls don't know who is who but my biggest fear was like these girls are gonna eliminate an f-boy who's been pretending to be nice the whole time and then when they do the guys gonna be like I didn't even think any of you were hot anyway fuck this I can go get you're all fucking sixes and that was my biggest fear and these girls are just so hot

that they they're just like and they have confidence like and they're 10 years younger than me so I just I just assume anyone 10 years younger me that has less confidence than me I've like worked hard to have the amount of confidence I have which isn't much but they don't care at all these guys are so they will say the meanest shit and they still like them and no they still they're just like bye whereas I would be like he just said the thing that I've always thought about myself like that's why I will not read YouTube comments on this video I will not I only read Instagram comments on my own stuff because it tends to be nicer

but I don't read Twitter anymore I don't read YouTube comments because I'm so scared a man is gonna call me old like that's my new fear it that's only in the past like five years that happens to everybody though it happens oh yeah but how do you feel when someone called you out for the thing that like you think maybe no one's noticed yet looks wise does it bother you I mean it has to but does it does it like land you in a like I get super depressed yeah I think it kind of hurts my feelings I think or it like enforces fears that I have probably I don't know I mean the things that I get probably most uncomfortable

about probably my hair you know that's crazy because it's so good I feel that interesting yeah I think so I got a hair line every man I know all they talked about his hair put into you did yeah wait it hasn't been yet oh well it's just your own hair from the back yeah oh my god it's so good and it hasn't grown in no I mean you you're I know maybe you put work into it but it's it's paid off it looks good oh thanks yeah yeah I think things like that I get nervous about I guess I mean I think being funny I think the tough thing for me is like I went through like some pretty severe burnout a few years ago

and I kept working and I didn't know that I was supposed to stop and my career was just kind of getting good and I'd worked so hard and I didn't know what to do and I didn't really have you know you talk to people and they're like you got to strike while they aren't how all this kind of you know yeah and and I'd always had a good work ethic and so it was just like oh you just keep working you know saying no to stuff it's so hard it was hard and I loved you gave me we talked to each other about doing this I loved I mean we don't have to talk but you saying like hey just let me know if you're doing other podcasts so I can

time it and I was like oh yes I don't have to do any pot like I'm doing this podcast I don't have to accept any other podcast because I'm doing this podcast it's a reason to like you gave me a reason to not have to do because if I come to town I'll just say yes to fucking everything because I got to just strike why that I'm only here for a couple days I love you gave you essentially tied me up and I was like oh I guess I can't give you a hand job I'm tied up like it's it's just it's free I need boundaries yes yeah we need boundaries so yeah you say no to things now well I it's sometimes it's tough you

know a friend is asking to be in his movie next month and I'm thinking about it but then I just got off you know I've been touring for like 16 years and I just finally stopped don't you love what people are like so what's this tour when how long is this tour going and you go the rest of my life I just name it a different thing every year but it never stops maybe I'll take a week off to go film something but we don't stop so you took well I just finally I you know I just said I don't I don't want to keep adding dates you know I had a huge date in Vegas they were it was the most I was ever gonna get paid for a show and I

said I just I'm not doing it I said I just I can't keep go cuz here's the thing if I'm not feeling great when I keep putting myself out there it's the same reason why well then I catch on it's like it's like I'm just using my set it's like yeah you're like raping yourself kind of like my my wellness it's like you know God gave me these gifts to be able to feel comfortable and be humorous and like instead it's like you know it's like when you ever you got to the bottom of a bowl of a weed and some kid we keep smoking just like the dirty glass at the bottom like Ernie quit yeah fucking hitting this shit though it

should have been empty for a month though get a job though I mean I have to I do that with weed when I get like every six months when I have to quit yeah I find myself like smoking resin and that's what I was doing I was just smoking just a fucking resin myself yes yeah I do that all the time to with stand up and then you're you're bad because you're tired on stage you resent that you have to do it you're all you're thinking about is when you don't have to do this anymore and what you're gonna do afterwards and and then you're the audience some they know they know that and then yeah maybe you might make the

most money you've ever made on that one gig but they won't come see you again because they go I just paid so much and this was not not that great yeah and so I'm trying to like I'm just trying to make gigs fun cuz I know that if I went to go see my like Taylor Swift if I if I had in the back of my head that she didn't want to be there at all even 1% was like not feeling it I wouldn't want to go I want my performers to like have fun that's why I do not go I don't like going to see plays because I feel like I would be so bored doing the same thing over and over that I can't imagine they're having fun like maybe on opening

but like on like a long like Broadway when they're doing months and months I'm like they can't change it up at least for stand-ups or for like musicians they can change up the set but I play I'm just like oh god I I project that and now I know from talking to actors that they're like no I like doing the same thing every night and it does change for me but for some reason I project like every night the same thing yeah totally autopilot well yeah yeah I can't enjoy it well I think and also it's a reason why you know I do this other podcast King of the Sting and it's one of the reason why to take breaks from

that it's why I started having guests on here more instead of just doing solo because I was just getting burnout I didn't want to put my not best self out there and then also I want to be able to have the energy for the shows that's the part I like the best getting to meet people after so it's like you know it's just like I had to monitor like it's just been tough and I didn't realize I thought like oh you just keep going people want to see you I was a people pleaser like I wanted it's the same as like being at the lunch table when you're a kid and you like get your buddies to laugh you're like oh I just want that

you know this just keeps getting bigger well this is all we ever wanted and now people like actually like us and want to come see like how could you say no to that and also the meet and greets like I love meeting fans and at this point it's like when you do meet and greets it's not just like random people that just came to the club to see you like they're actually people that like you and like have good boundaries like I like my fans now but sometimes I'm like you got to understand I can't do it I want to meet you guys but it's just it's too exhausting and you I wouldn't want to meet someone who didn't have the energy

I would never want to put out someone that I was a fan of if they didn't want to do it right like and it makes me mad we're like you canceled the meet and greet I'm like do you want to meet me when I'm tired and I don't want to meet you is that don't you wish I would cancel that I'll give you your money back and I'll love to meet you another time but why would you want me to do something I don't want to do yeah but it's hard because I do want to do it sometimes I'm just like God can I just go to a town and do meet and greets yeah a show and a meet and greet is and then do a two show night that's four shows I know it's a

lot of energy well that's a weird thing it just becomes well it just it's a lot of like putting yourself out there you know there's any good you think goes back to what we're talking about in the beginning it's like yeah how much of me I got yeah I just kept putting myself out there until it wasn't even about whatever I had I know I quit feeling like myself a couple years ago I'm just starting to get moments where I feel like myself again good but um yeah it's you it's just fear you know a lot of fear and you don't want to let people down that's another thing being a disappointment and being and being

forgotten you think oh if I don't take this show you know your agents will be let down and then the people will be let down and you might be forgotten and someone else is gonna be doing stand-up that night and they're gonna get this much better than you because they had a one more gym session because it's like going to the doing stand-ups like going to the gym so not doing sets every fucking night which is why I moved to st. Louis because it's not like a comedy town so I'm not like there's not places I'm dying there's not great place and there's clubs there but it's a little bit of a far drive I moved there to get away

from the pressure of doing stand-up every fucking night because I come here I'm here for five days and I have like five sets every night because I can't turn them down because you know I don't I because it's a gym session because it's like I'm gonna get better and I can't stand passing up an opportunity to get better and to be loved by strangers yeah I feel you man it's that quiet hole you know yeah and then feeling like oh well they don't really know me even though I'm so honest I mean you're so honest too like the fact that you can even say like oh I've gotten an escort this many times it's like that kind of stuff people

don't talk about and they rely on us to talk about it so that they can go oh maybe I'm not a bad person because I've gotten escort okay Theo has to like that shit is important for us to share but there's sometimes where I'm like man pull it back a little bit no one people don't need to know this and you have to I there are very few things that I keep private but I have a couple now but before I was just like I'll say anything and I don't even know if those things that I've deemed like private if there's not a time where I'd be like this is just too good not to share yeah this podcast isn't going well let me just

toss this one out this gem oh yeah you know like I had a hooker one time an escort you know or a bit you know I think I don't know we should bring that back I like she might have had an escort actually too I have no idea what her business abilities were but she came over and just made me ended up making like a carrot soup at my house oh yum that's naked she was in I wasn't attracted to when she got there and I was doing drugs and everything I remember I had on fucking like this headdress kind of thing somebody had like this I've been to this tribal I did a casino show and they made me a headdress so I had that

bitch on dude I was geeked up out of my brain bro you know I'm saying I was she made a carrot soup she just saw a Cuisinarn and some carrots and yeah and she's like you she want to take care of you she's like yeah you got an hour you don't seem like you're doing well I was like how can you tell indoor Native America was that the one good experience the one nice one what's giving you that clue the headdress and the bloody nose I'm so glad you're 90 days and she made the but none of that was even those are just some of those times are kind of fun time yeah I mean they're great stories thank God for all that yeah that's true

and now somebody ruined the cocaine you can't even do it oh no you can't that is a man I never got into cocaine but that that's gotta suck if some you know I'm into weed I'm into like oh I'm sure there's party that still wants to fucking risk it cuz that's another thing about it it's like oh you don't think I'm willing to fucking risk it all yeah I mean fentanyl is basically you know it's really the it's the Alex Trebek a fucking dope you know it's like oh it's like you know it's like saying this is the fight do you want to put it all on the line how are you know it's a Pat say jack of drugs or whatever it's like are

you willing to risk it all you know it's suicidal it's it's like it's Russian rule that look at it it yeah I mean I know what you're saying man like I I have a compulsion show with the Lord well listen like sometimes I like I have a compulsion to cut myself like I only did it once in my life but there's sometimes that I just feel a certain way and I just really want to cut myself and I don't do it because I know that I'll have to live with the consequence that's not something that I can like erase there'll be a scar there'll be some there's I never understand that with women I don't know what I don't know what

it is either it's for me I've the only time I come myself was when I got caught shoplifting and I didn't get in trouble for it they let me go and no one knew about it and I had to I had to punish myself I don't know what it was but I never had the compulsion I didn't understand cutting I remember Lucy did it on 7th heaven and I was like what is this and for some reason it was just exactly what I needed and I just went to it without even thinking and I did it yeah and and man I mean I have so many people cut themselves so it's very common thing and it's a I feel the desire often instead now I just Google

people who cut themselves to hear about their stories and read about it because not so I can like watch it happening and feel like oh I'm doing it it just I think that it just helps to see people that feel as sad and fucked up as you do and and just know you're not that weird and so sometimes that like it's soothing to me to just like watch videos not of people doing it but of people talking about it same with suicide I mean I think that's the same thing of like I like I see in your eyes when you're like sometimes I just want to fucking risk it like so what like I feel the same way about suicide for me

it's like I think about it a lot it's my go-to response when I'm feeling sad about myself or about the world like I get I just think about killing myself and it's like literally soothing like I will just go to bed and just like smile thinking about the option and I'm not gonna do it I know like I've made a pact with myself as much as you can never gonna do it no matter how much I want to man that like just that doesn't sound safe though Nikki no I know that's why I talk about it because if I don't talk about it that's when it can get out of control but I feel like if I'm honest about it I've never attempted it I've

never planned anything I've never written a note like I've honestly written a note or not no no I mean the first step would be cleaning my apartment and like getting my affairs in order so that my parents wouldn't have to like deal with that stuff and even that is like that's really you know you joke about it but honestly a lot of times my apartment's so messy the idea of even like my mom would have to deal with my death and have to like clean my apartment and like the EMTs would arrive and see like look at this Jesus Christ she lived like a fucking hoarder like that judgment on the other side of my death I would need

I would already be in a casket if I'm killing myself I'm killing myself in a casket I want to make it like as easy right people but that's not possible and it's never gonna be easy and I will never it's no it's not possible to make it easy because you will always leave behind people that it's it's not emotionally easy oh yeah yeah yeah it's never gonna be no matter how much you think people are gonna be better off without you take it easy Bob you know sorry or whatever yes no they're not gonna be like alright I'm gonna take it easy since he's dead but so many people think like they'll be better off without

me you know like that's the thing and like it's committing suicide is a disease it's the end of a disease it's like you know stage for it's like it's a terminal illness so no one like I don't ever blame anyone who commits suicide because I feel like they really don't have a choice that was no they're trying to alleviate whatever pain is inside of them yeah and the pain is in them so much they're like I the only way to stop this pain is to stop the where it lives which is inside of myself yes it makes sense yeah but it's but let's talk about something else is it okay oh please I'm sorry to even get on that but

it I just say that like if you have thought if you have thoughts like that out there like seriously it's it's a part of a disease your date brain is like fucked you're not because I would get into whatever I get into but let's let's take it suicide I bet any negative thought about myself sometimes you like believe I believe like oh this is the truth like sometimes I don't want to take my antidepressants because I'm like there lies I really see the truth and I don't want to feel better because this is the truth the world is shit climate change I'm old no one cares about me I'm not funny I'm not like I'm not that

interesting I no one really loves me and I know that if I take a pill I won't feel those thoughts but sometimes I'm like then you're just dumbing yourself but really I have a sickness I have the flu for my brain and I'm thinking that the flu is like right and it's not oh that's interesting yeah so if that helps anyone or maybe if that makes anyone feel worse please call someone there's always someone that will talk to you about how you feel yeah I mean we yeah it's hard to tell in every moment like if you're helping people are hurting them you know but that's just sharing the shit like as dark as it is I think it's

gotta help because whenever I find people like talking about stuff and I go oh their life is probably perfect not that anyone ever thinks that my life is perfect but I just find that I always want to know when people I just want people to be more honest about how they struggle or insecure you know I sometimes I look at girls and I'm like projects so much perfection on to like these models and like God they never get sad their homes are probably so clean and perfect and their skin is just glowy all the time and I just am so jealous and so resentful and then I hear that they like hate the way they look and part of

me goes fuck you bitch you hate the way you look you model but then I don't know it then I kind of feel like it it actually helps me because I go like well this is just a sickness because clearly this girl is cool like she's not of the right mind so maybe I have a little little bit of that yeah maybe I'm not seeing myself clearly well I think that's what's really interesting is that as much footage and everything as we have now of our cells that we don't see ourselves clearly dude the somehow we've lost this huge perception of of what even the value of being human I mean I think it almost goes back to like we're

talking about about the moment it's like it doesn't feel like we're enough anymore it feels like even I thought about this the other day it feels like it used to feel like 20 years ago if you died it would really mean something and it would matter and it would really have a like a longevity to people and now that doesn't really feel it feels like people would get over it pretty quickly in the world would move on that's what it feels like it feels like so much faster than it would have even those closest to you and not even because they would want to but just because of how whatever is happening to us as a species yeah you

got to move on and I you do not have to move on that quick if one of us dies no you don't but like you kind of do because what do you're never coming back I if I die dude I'm renting out a holiday and for like seven years people can come there whenever they want and think about me or look at me love that leave images or something in there look at them maybe leave like a little you know a little replica of hand with no fingers on it you know yeah and people can just beat themselves with it I don't know but but here's the crazy part I bet after like a week nobody would even come no no you're right for anyone but

I think that anybody I mean I mean I just recently went to Columbine mm-hmm because I just I don't know what happened my freshman year of high school it was very just I was just morbidly curious I guess about it I was I've always been fascinated by it I read a few books about it and I'm like I'm I love I don't I hate to say I love Columbine but like the way that some women are obsessed with murders and we go oh they're murderistas or whatever and it's like cute it's you that's me but for like for Columbine 9-11 a little bit like I'm my high school was bookended by Columbine 9-11 and so like but I went to

Columbine and I is so weird to go to this place where this like this thing happened go to the memorial that is on kind of right off campus and it's just like no one else is there like memorializing it like I thought it there would be like crowds but it's just like no this is the the students that go there don't even think about that like maybe they do but it doesn't seem like it was like in the air there it's like they've moved on and I'm still like how is everyone here like I just thought that everyone knew that I was there to like check out where things happen and no one cared there was I saw a cop car and

like oh they probably patrol this area so that people don't come and like you know and he's not yes yeah he's just like a cop car at a high school like you for direct you got a new Duncan put in around the corner yeah but people move on yeah and I remember one time a friend of mine died and I was I had too much I had a busy week and I had too much going on and I remember thinking I can't I can't cancel this thing and that I have to be happy for and like on for and I just put a bookmark in my feelings because I go he's never not gonna be dead I can do this later like I it doesn't need to happen now I can literally just

save this for later and I just didn't feel anything completely shut myself off to the sadness for a few days and was able to do that because I just rationalized like I have all the time in the world he's never coming back like so I think I'll tell him by later yeah yeah that's what everybody's everything feels like that now but I wonder what happens as a society if when we know you get all those unprocessed feelings and all that I don't know and I think we're just learning to you know and also we store everything now in this third party there's like a third party to exist until you just used to just be you and

God or you know you in the universe or now there's the cloud and now there is this other yeah there's this other kind of mirror but it's also like a mirror that has you feel like somebody's behind it with a control a little bit you mean like your social media presence I just mean all of this everything that's recording it you know all of it how we all record everything you know it's like I'll record this and then I'll watch we never watching of it later it never means it's like it's like the moment I don't know it's just something about the moment used to matter more to us because we didn't get so many of them now it's

like you can open your tiktok and get a thousand moments from other people and look at them all and whatever and so the moment doesn't have as much pictures like we take pictures and like you get them developed and it was an event to get them back and now we don't even print pictures they don't hang pictures up they're just in our phone and and that was old and then yeah I'm half 99% of will never make it out never be seen and it's like it's just and then we're all doing that instead of being you know I sometimes look at my own Instagram feed it's like we all work for Sony kind of we kind of wait I mean I think we do I

think that's or whoever owns Sony but it's like sometimes I look at my own Instagram feed and I'll get jealous of myself like God she's like I'll forget I'm almost looking at myself and I'll go back far enough where it seems like a different person's life and I'm like she has it all she's killing it and I'll have that moment like fuck I'm doing it to myself like so when I do it to other people it's got to be alive because I remember that day I was not happy and I look like I'm killing it oh my god she does everything she's so busy she works so hard I start getting like threatened by my past self and then I always run the

risk of like when I post something like I don't want to look like I'm like look at me but I also need people to look at me yeah and I'm always mitigating this like I hope people don't think I think I'm cool but I also want people to think I'm cool but you can't like my biggest fear that I always think is like I just don't want female comics mainly female comics to screenshot this and text it to each other at a mass text of like making fun of me and being like look at how sweet she thinks she is she looks she thinks she looks hot here isn't that sad what is she what's going on with her yeah that's what I think about you really

you think about that oh yeah like my peers my funny peers who I look up to you know talking about me but because we do that I mean and when I do it it's always when I'm threatened it's always a girl showing her body in a way that I'm like oh my god I say I say oh this is so sad but really I'm like I wish I could show my body like that and be that free and like not care what people think who is more threatening to women you think at other female comedian women or other men comedians I think it's I think it's a totally different thing and so it's kind of hard to compare the two because it's such a different kind of threat

but female comedians like we yeah we definitely are threatened by one another and I think it's it podcast is more conversational nature of what we're doing now and sharing and like it's made me a lot more open about like my insecurities and being able to tell what like I need to do I need to mute you sometimes like I need I'm sometimes I you know telling Taylor Tomlinson like I like I sometimes don't watch your clips because I don't want to know how funny you are because it makes me feel insecure or I like I being able to say it's so embarrassing to say that but like it's just true and it's not and it's not

helping anything but yeah I think that we I know yeah there's tons of female comics that have I mean my biggest my the worst interactions I've had in comedy have been with female comics like I was pretty badly bullied what like in stand-up when I first got into it like almost bullied out of comedy when I first started and just looked up to this girl that was on the scene like only wanted to be her had nothing but reverence for her did not even consider that I mean I was not a stand-up that like thought I was good when I first started I was not one that was like hey asking the headliner to watch my set

like I was embarrassed because I knew I was bad because I just started and I knew that I was gonna get better but did you work with the girl or no you know we were in the same scene in St. Louis and like she was the top dog on the scene so funny a little bit older and and she just hated me just hated me thought I wasn't funny and then she also thought Tommy John again wasn't funny he was we were kind of like the two young comics in St. Louis and that's when I knew like oh I'm probably funny because if she thinks Tommy's not Tommy's just I knew Tommy was funny so I was like oh she just thinks anyone who's funny is isn't

funny so that that made me feel better but she she just like spread lies that I slept with people for stage time and I was a fucking virgin at the time like I literally had never had sex and I was she's saying I was sucking dick for stage time when I was turning down stage time I mean there were guys there was headliners that came through and they would offer me guess that's because they probably liked me and I was funny enough but you know have you ever blown an Indian guy before no no why I don't know no I haven't not yet bucket list you got to get out there huh it's weird sometimes I think I feel like I can't

even I never I feel like Indian people even have penises I feel like I've never I don't know I never even like even in porn I never even yeah I guess I don't see much Indian representation in porn they don't Indian Pete yeah it's like I can't even imagine I can't even imagine Indian guy with a penis really yeah I can for some reason I'm like I'm into it yeah what else we wanted to go through a couple of news topics anything else we want to talk about I feel like we covered everything did we good I mean not like it's been a good conversation how do you think it's been Zach all right oh yeah you're about an hour 40 right would you

like tell us the truth Zach would you ever be like this is was not your best and then just take it out later I don't think you would I would tell you the truth all right okay good okay that's good still no no lol's like no lol yes yes yes okay this is a story we were talking about you're talking about DMs earlier no your cat is calling out Noah this guy from stranger thinks he please will I guess she DM'd him trying to hook up with the guy who plays Eddie on the show and he shared their DM thread and she called him out saying it's kind of weasel shit so isn't this kid 17 that she DM'd yes but she's DMing him

about with the guy I still think it's like I'm not saying that she's doing anything inappropriate by DMing a 17 year old but the 17 year old is might screenshot your conversation I mean he's a child so don't get mad and also it's a little strange just DM the guy that you're into this is the guy she was trying to hook up with looks like we're known a writer okay I don't watch this show but so what did she say I can't read that what was her first okay Noah can you tell Joseph to hit me up wait no does he have a girlfriend and he goes LMA oh oh oh slide into his DMs okay his IG on Twitter or Twitter he

doesn't have a DM to slide into okay so she she would have oh and then he sent her it right here ma'am oh ouch that is cold and I think it's strange she went through a why do you it's cuz sometimes people will do this thing they will say hey what about your friend but they're really trying after you that was my first thought too I don't want to make any accusation make any accusation they got a writer name TMC loves to say or they got a writer age these publications love to say a woman's age doji cat is 26 okay 26 sorry that's if I was trying to get a find out about a guy I would not go to one of his children co-stars to

find out his thing and she also may not have known how old this guess maybe but you know give it a go yeah yeah I think oh do you ever worry about that girl's screenshot and your stuff what girl just any girls like you DM maybe like you know fans yeah I've never seen I'd never have sent anything really in obscene or nothing you know my buddy I used to use a dick pic for you know two times I sent it but it was my buddy's my friend Jason oh that's good and like yours enough that it was like okay to use or were you just like no I think it was just you know I was probably in you know driving or something and I just was

like I need a dick pic hey yeah and like hey can you you know and he's kind of 17 and he's looking for work adult news going on yeah so Elon's walking away from his Twitter deal Twitter's what waste of all of our time I wish he'd bought it by buying it really why he had 20 he's having twins apparently with someone I know it one of the people who works how efficient is he's having fucking twins dude you got to respect that guy two birds um yeah I just annoyed by this this is what like when people say they're going they're retiring and then come out of retirement I go we wasted

so much energy talking about you buying Twitter and now you're not let's like God can I get that time back I know but it's like you got it set Twitter free it's just way too far left like it just caters to way too much of one side of all views I feel like it's just seems like a because here's what I was you do better I hope he doesn't I hope he gets it and then just kills it oh that's yeah you're right I mean I would I'm already pretty much done because print is kind of dead yes so once that's gone what are we gonna do then it's just gonna be video stuff I just think it leaves us in a better spot because you kid that's the

only place you can easily go and just get all these other like quick replies and like thoughts from people it's like you know the other social media platforms there's not as it doesn't seem as easy to do that it's like you know you can pull some comments off of Instagram fees but that doesn't feel like it's gonna catch fire right ideas don't catch fire as as quickly as Twitter right yeah yeah you right that's a good that's an interesting perspective of he would have run it into the ground yeah yeah that's not gonna happen right and then I don't know if there's another one that gets people's like where they can quote

people as much and is easily with print yeah and it like kind of sets us free from all that so I feel like the best thing that he could do Elon that's even your name which it probably isn't but is buy it and kill it you know you know what do they say kill birds or whatever or don't I don't know what they say man but do it what else do we have oh we got the rovers Wade you guys they overturn rovers wait was there more news yeah I mean I at Louisiana is one of the places where they just put it in they had a they banned it yeah same with Missouri where I live I'm shocked kind of that this happened yeah yeah it's sad I for

the first time ever like I hearing people say you know don't tell a woman what to do with her body like the people that believe abortion is like literally killing a baby like I kind of see their point if you believe that it's a baby at a certain like late-term abortion I don't think any I wouldn't be for that and I'm very pro and how late do they do it I mean if it's really there should be a line for sure it can smile or something I think you can't do it I don't know how they see that you know I'm saying though like if it can like yeah I mean there should be a line but then it's like okay if you miss the day before that line is

that not a bit like what when what's the fucking line but there needs to be one but I do see for the first time when when you know people people on the pro choice side are saying don't stop trying to control a woman's body I mean I believe that that is what they're trying to do but I think that people that are pro-life a lot of times they just think you're killing babies and I kind of Sarah Silverman used to have it I think a bit about like seeing little girls with signs outside of an abortion clinic you know picketing with their parents and these little girls literally think they're in there stabbing babies which is

like of course you would be against that so I don't I don't blame people that really think it's a human life and and are against that but I really think this is about like wanting to punish women for being sluts like it's like huge huge shows that you wanted to fuck someone and and I I don't know this is me kind of going a step further I think men want to punish women who don't fuck them so oh you want to fuck someone other than me you're gonna have to keep the baby then you stupid slut I think it's punishing women for being sluts men love sluts when they're sluts for them but they fucking hate sluts when they're sluts for other

men and I say sluts as like that's not what I'm calling them that's what I think men I know you're talking about yeah what men think women just love Dixon so much when really we have sex with men a lot of times not because we love Dixon us but because we want men to like us and to protect us and we want to give you guys what you want what does it feel like does it feel like you're having like your hat like you like after you've eaten dinner does it just feel like that but in your vagina oh like like stuffed like literally like Thanksgiving like um sometimes if you like have a lot of stuff in you but no

it does not feel like it does not feel like you're like oh I'm gonna throw no it feels like I guess you just like don't know what it's like I'm not trying to imagine I'm just gonna think I'm just gonna think about it that's the only thing that we can share is what anal sex feels like that's the only thing men and women can go I know what you're talking about hmm which I kind of like about it is that why you think women and gay men get along well no but that is interesting but I do I do like I I do like talking to gay men about anal sex because I enjoy it and I like talking about like isn't it great and

no one like fucking knows how great it is and you guys like have to do it because you don't have anything else but like also like you're not doing it cuz you're like I guess is all we have like it literally feels good or they probably wouldn't do it but they should be able to find another way to do it also dude they can redesign a damn fucking living room in a heartbeat you can't they don't need to find another way dude it feels so good well then that's fine yeah it really like if you find a way to make it work it can really work for you yeah I am not you're not interested I remember they had this

group for a while it was like trying to get they had this gay group in our area that was trying to get it was like we want to know what it feels like to have a period or whatever to like to partner with women so they would wear in tampons in their bottom and for like that's not what it feels like to put in a tampon yeah it was crazy man and there was like trying to get you know get people on board with that I was like dude I ain't doing that no I would not suggest that that would be a dry tampon like there's nothing worse than putting a tampon up your vagina when you're not bleeding it's like drop that's what it would feel

like up your asshole that's terrible yeah this guy yeah this group was no this group was idiots they weren't even I don't know if they were even had a flag or a sanctioned or whatever it could have just been some pervy gay dudes you know I cannot believe that's a thing like in solidarity oh yeah really all right oh my god they used to have a lot of I'm trying to think of like what it we said they used to have a group called I talk about talk about this before we used to have a group called F.A.G. fistfights right that we come to the bars in Louisiana it was gay men and they would come and fight and fistfight

and you pay to go watch we okay so they would what but it was it just like like boxing boxing and you would pay to go watch it yeah we go there and drink you go and drink and watch you know and it was a rod what like were they did were they enjoying it in an erotic way did you think they were beating them they were beaten if there was anything straight left in any of them I think they beat it out of each other was it like a self-hating thing you think as gay men I don't know because they were couldn't be themselves I don't know her mind you know this kid that I grew up with and he dated this gal who I think was a lesbian

probably early lesbian you know and he would always he had like she would like bruise his penis up and it would like he would always show us and it was like dude I don't think she likes that yeah I mean she never heard of anything like that I mean she was bruises I mean yeah this kid Bradley and he used to be a referee did he like it because there's something he was happy that somebody was touching his penis but I think he wish it was somebody else oh man yeah it looked like she had just you know that is the thing about penis is like you just asked me what it feels like to have a penis in you like you don't you can't understand

what that feels like and you even said before like just loitering with the you know having a penis between your legs like that is wild to me that you guys have that just like swinging all the time and that also the thing that blew my mind about penises when I first encountered them was that they go I thought a boner which just was like 90 degrees I didn't know they could go like all the way up and I love that they can just be like I love a flaccid penis I love playing with them I think they're so fun I like to just hold them when they're flaccid and I know guys don't like that because it's like oh I'm small

but I just love I just think they're so fun well I'm laying down if I squeeze my penis yeah for long enough I'll go to sleep it's comforting it's good yeah it's good the same way I think women do that with our tits just like hold it I just get to go do this and it feels like I get why that is exciting to men and I just get to do it well it feels like you're holding on to like the chain of life a little bit you're like hugging you're nurturing yourself I like again I didn't get touched enough as a kid I don't think and I in the right way you know yeah and so yeah same I think let's look at a little bit more yeah so if

this starts to happen though if they shut down the uh oh yeah what's gonna happen do you think like how do you see that playing out just women getting them illegally right it's just gonna be something for the elite they're just or and they're just gonna do it in unsafe methods and so there's still gonna be abortion but it's just women back streets back all right it's gonna get a risk a other honestly that makes me feel so happy that out of all of that all of this that makes me so sad you can make that joke and like that wouldn't exist without this happening and I'm grateful that that joke can exist it

doesn't make it worth it but that that fact that I'm always I'm gonna tell everyone about this joke and that will bring a little bit of joy to this very scary time to just go back streets back all right damn yeah with this abortion stuff man what if they start going back to those way like no it's so yeah I've never had one and doesn't look like I'm ever gonna be able to I live in Missouri so I can't get one anymore that's true but I you know you just I'd be I'd man I'd find a way so people are thinking to drive across state lines to get them if I needed to yeah he's gonna be like a little abortion wagons or

whatever like you'll see like a train of just like spent broads rolling through town you know you know just like legs hanging over this out the side of the thing yeah we're taking them all up north you know yeah no the girl you can go to like the underground snail road oh my god oh my fucking god there's just gonna be greyhound buses full of frickin just just breast milk leaking out the back of it just charter just like the fucking gestation charters LLC just like all kinds of crazy LLCs opening up trucking these frickin damn it Theo stop just trucking these cock-servin brawls you're

contributing to the narrative it's so sad it's ridiculous man it's like I but have you ever had a scare have you ever had I'm sure I don't know like I won't even have sex two times in a row with the woman because I don't want the possibility of since I got off a first time of any put more semen getting in there oh my god it's like you're like buying two lottery tickets I you don't want to double your chances oh yeah I don't want to single my chances whoa dude do you pull out is that your I pull way out do you use condoms I don't know I don't regularly use them but I have you sure yeah I mean I use them when it's

necessary yes yes man but you're rich now man if I like jump off a building in landed in with a giant on a street yeah I would use a condom okay but like do you worry that girls are going to try to keep it in try to find the comp but it in them I go I'll go to Drake was hot sauce in his condoms I'll keep it far away oh I'm from Louisiana dude I wouldn't be shocked if you've done a lot of that shit I wouldn't be surprised if some of the bull you base out there you got to worry about that shit I know man rules you crazy stop I just don't even want to ejaculate anymore I just don't even know if it's safe it's probably best for your

mind not to like it fucks you up go back to mold neighborhood and just yard out for dad I mean all right that's still alive no no okay I got I really want to get to the bottom of what that reasoning was just giving it back to the Earth yeah it wasn't it wasn't about shaming you though it wasn't like don't you fucking do this again no he just said that's God's you put it back oh fuck but that's how it is but yeah what do you think will happen would you go get one still you think or would you think it's gonna create cuz I guess if the if the idea is that I get how religious people I get if they are

overtly religious about the religious I get some of their like you're saying I get their mindset I can understand people's mindsets on it yeah right can do I can even understand the mindsets of the men who are just like God women if they really were able to harness their sexuality they could destroy us we should probably fucking put some sanctions on this because you know Bill Clinton sacrifice think of what Bill Clinton sacrificed to get a blowjob like really think about that because his balls were full one day and it's flirty skirt walked by the office and he sacrificed everything that he had

worked so he got to the top position and he put it all the line for a blowjob and then another one and then a fucking cigar up a pussy like if women were really able to harness what we could do to that that power how defenseless men are to wanting to come we could take over the like that's some powerful shit yeah so what of course I'd want to control that if I were a man and saw my my livelihood and my sense of power and self being threatened by women and their bodies I'd want to fucking try to if I was a bad person and wanted to like a selfish person a narcissist I'd want to control that I even understand that

logic and I think that's where it comes from but some guys I think honestly he also was just in the White House I think like he just got in the Oval Office I think there's something about guys like if you just get into a new room it's like you want to kind of ejaculate in it like dude I'll stay at a Hampton Inn bro and I'm not in there 40 minutes before I'm like I got a spill out in here wait you just said you don't like to put out your like you but you want it out as a child you know right okay okay but as an adult I think as a man you're like you know I'll stay your claim yeah oh dude I'm 75 minutes up you know where's the most

common hotel room based on when you have common hotel rooms come further like top sheet no on the floor I think on the floor okay good to know what do you think yeah with I would think like I would just like if I were even myself I just kind of like smear it on like the pillow case or so like wipe my hand like on a pillow I'm not using and just like something I know is gonna get washed oh or like a toil just like rub it in the sheets dude one time this girl had stayed over with me at a hotel this awesome girl and she had gotten her menstrual cycle yeah and I didn't know I had to go to the cleaning lady and say

like hey you know I don't know what to do do I pay for this you know that's nice of you whatever yeah you know oh there they got it they don't and she was like I don't know where she was from another country right and so I didn't know what I was like trying to like I was like the and I was just like how does he you know yes yes and uh and I don't think she understood I did give her 20 bucks yeah yeah that's good throw 20 on if it's messy and looks like a crime scene like yeah hush money so what do you think it's gonna happen because I was in Santa Monica the other day having breakfast with my friend who we've talked about

having a kid together also and she oh and a parade went by a get out of our pussy parade it was like a protesting parade yeah and it was really cool to see people protest and it was real crazy that was really cool is get out of our pussy talking to men or talking to the baby they they have in there okay so parade's going by you're with this lady that you might have a baby with as and as friends I like it okay and uh and yeah this lady kids going I mean there was a lady just screaming you know and I was like I could not even imagine anybody ever being in this ladies yeah vagina ever but I'm not saying that it

hasn't and I'm not saying I have no idea what her life is like but I was like whatever whatever gets out of her pussy I wish it would get into a male this lady is yeah sometimes it's like I think that women get so mad that they feel like it's like trying to silence us and you know put and control us so like what's the opposite of that being so loud being so offensive like doing doing the opposite like I don't know when I was on the road with Bert when Roe v. Wade got overturned and I had already had planned on taking my shirt off at some point on the tour with Bert as just like an homage to Bert just like a funny

thing that cuz he got a joke like it'd be funny if you took your shirt off and I was like oh yeah like I never do that but I was like I would do that that's kind of funny and then Roe v. Wade got overturned and I don't know it was we were in the south and it was kind of like I think I told someone on his tour like I might like take my top up and they're like you have to cover your nipples like like it's we could go to jail like you could get arrested for that and for some reason that like so Bert can show his nipples but I can't like it made me mad and I kind of and I ended up taking up my shirt and it was

just to make Bert laugh and like make everyone laugh but it was like there was something about it being naughty and being like it's first of all I didn't want anyone to think I was doing it because I want to like look hot or like want to titillate I was really doing it for laughs and just a fun thing but it felt a little bit like fuck you like sorry if you if you're turned on by me or if these are like a burden to you like it felt like a fuck you in a way that it didn't intend kind of like a bra burning like I'm gonna be loud and proud and like sorry if this makes you uncomfortable sorry if there are kids

here look at my fucking tits and I had a bra on it was totally covered but there was something about like man if I wanted to take my shirt off and show my nipples I couldn't that's kind of weird that is the weird to me that like that's super weird they there's like they've on TV I think there was like a trans person getting top surgery and they like you know as they're before surgery flat chested pre-op they show the whole nipple and everything the second they put an implant in blur like the second it becomes a woman's tit not okay and there's just and I get it because it is distracting like we don't want to turn

men on and like they're there I'm not I'm not gonna get some tit out there but yeah I really do feel like there's something in me that's like man I want to fucking do a topless special not because I want to be like look at my awesome tits but to be like I can deal with it and if Bert can do it and it is freeing it's fun to take your shirt off on stage there's something so vulnerable about it like we're talking about stripping there's something like I don't fucking care what you guys think of me take me in look at me I like myself there's something yeah there's there was something about it that wasn't look at

me I'm hot it was a little bit of a fuck you and I don't know how to define that but it's I think I had something in common with that fucking woman screaming get out of my pussy yeah when like yeah that is funny when you go I think I don't even think you could carry a child man at your age but like I like no it's no one's talking about your pussy and they haven't for a while but I like that you're so upset about it and you're making you're ruining my lunch that's why you know what and now that I think now that I hear you say that I'm like you're right you're like if you're gonna protest it has to be annoying right it

has to be in your face like I always I'm vegan and I post vegan shit then I'll say this that lady did a fucking good job yeah we're talking about it now like it's making it because as a vegan like I I fucking used to hate vegans they're so annoying I thought they always thought they were better than us constantly reminding us of like animal suffering putting things in your face and you're like Jesus Christ and then one day it fucking worked they got through they were annoying enough that I go honestly I can't deny this anymore I gotta go vegan so I I post it all the time and it is a little shamy of like listen I was

once you too I used to think this way I used to be in denial of it but tell me watch this video and try to eat a pig today later today and see what happens so because it worked on me people being obnoxious I used to make fun of vegans I used to fucking hate them resent them oh god and now I'm one of them and it's because they were so obnoxious so you got to be loud that's a good point you got to be loud you got to be annoying you got to have people hate what you're doing because otherwise you're not gonna get noticed yeah especially these days but it's hard because all I want is to be liked I don't ever want to be annoying

I hate that I know I never want to be people think like I she thinks she's cool or like she thinks she's yeah I just I and it's you know it's ironic because I talk into a microphone for a living and no one else can talk and I make make people listen to me but I'm so scared of people thinking that I'm annoying or that I want attention or something would clearly I can do that's fascinating well it used to be a different level of manageability before there was social media stuff it was just like I'm good at my craft come see me do it and now every time you put something out there's a risk that it's like maybe

they'll see that I'm not and they won't come see me dude actually good at I don't post any stand-up clips literally none I've done three hour specials four half hour like I have hours of stand-up I could be all over tick-tock kill I could kill it with my clips I cannot put them out there because I'm scared that they're gonna look closely and see I'm actually not talented whereas if you just see trailers for things or you see pictures of me doing stand-up who knows I could be the fucking I know I'm funny I know I kill I but then there's a part of me that thinks I'm imposter you know and that I'm a charlatan that I'm tricking

people yeah so and it's scary for me to even admit that because I'm like please don't go look closely please just just think I'm funny like don't go analyze it yeah I do the same thing to comics like you know you watch some comics and you go God this fucking guy sucks and look at all his tricks and you like I'm scared of people doing the same thing that I do I got to work on what I do in my judgment of people and then the self and then me worrying about everyone else thinks we'll go away if I stop because I'm just doing I'm scared of doing of people doing to me exactly what I do to them damn right yeah look I appreciate

your honesty were we ever gonna date I don't think we ever were we never even talked about it huh no and it's like but I've always like just I mean you're the funniest fucking person and you're real as fuck and I love that you talk you're like anyone who's in recovery and struggles with that shit I'm like so yeah I'm just like so into it and cuz it's like we have to operate on a different level of honesty than a lot of our peers like you think you're honest then you get in recovery and you're like well I wasn't really and I think it's like carried over into my stand-up I don't know if it helps sometimes though

what do you mean because it gives you more stuff to evaluate your stuff on like or doing podcasting sometimes it's like man now there's so much more like you know sometimes I used to think I was being kind of like I'm sharing what's going on with myself and then then when I get really like judgmental it's like of myself or like in fear it's like man look at all this I can't believe I did this to like I put all this out that you know it's like I don't know it gives like it gives that fear another like punch of like you shouldn't have done this you know yes you're too overexposed and then they use it against you

sometimes you'll get vulnerable and say something that like you're like you know what I'm gonna put this out there and share this thing I don't usually share because I'm with my friend and it just feels safe and then you find that fans will watch that in the second they get they they they start using it against they'll say like we're worried about you are you suicidal again like you said you were on Rogan or and like and then you go or they'll you know yeah that I I just have found that sharing too much people I forget I share certain stuff and then it comes back to haunt me with fans just knowing too much and they don't they

shouldn't know things might only my best friends or my sponsors know but for some reason I'm giving them that why and why wouldn't they feel close to me of course they would they're listening in their ear to me say like things that they're closest friends don't even tell them course they feel like they they're worried about me I hate when people worry about me man oh yeah isn't that the fucking worst yeah it's like I'll fucking worry about me you idiot yeah yeah I worry you don't know me and you're trying to get closer to me but and I get it I'm worried about it it's like I'll fucking worry about me you know it's

like I'm the one who worries about me that's where my thought is it's just like I've worried about me this long yeah come do it that's where my thought and it's strikes me as pity and it strikes me as someone like talking about me behind my back me being like I don't I don't know I just like growing up in high school and having like an eating disorder always having people having meetings behind your back of like what are we gonna do about Nikki like and then finding out later like the whole school is meeting about me and all my friends are having conferences with my parents and call like that you'd have been eating one

wiener nobody would have said you know what I'm saying there's no demo in the fucking living room in front of our parents yeah but there's no conference about that no there's never you're starred from nutrition yeah we got to discuss this yeah I was getting too hot but you're out there carving up on freaking little Henry's nut bag I get nobody says a word anymore news we got to discuss that or what the big it's we got doja cat slide and that rovers way I just wonder if it's gonna go all the way through I just I wonder if this is also becoming a thing where it's like everything's kind of not working now

it's like the airlines aren't working right like the everything that the the post office doesn't work anymore yeah it's like every kind of like the environment right yeah like the air outside it's so so hot yeah and this is just the beginning it's fucking scary everything's breaking down yeah and we're all kind of just like pretending that it's not like joking about it we're like commenting on it here and there but it is terrifying things are fall like it's like it feels like oh we're also things are just kind of going along and there's so much media that is about fear that's that's what I can't I can't

figure out which one it is I think it's probably a mixture of both but I think for I don't know it's I really don't want to read about the climate anymore I just there's no good news there's never any fucking good news about polar bears there's never an animal news story that like makes you feel good no there's maybe like that dodo account or whatever and you read about a rehabilitated pitbull or something like a fucking donkey who's friends with oh yeah parents are the other day ahead of two parents killing a cat on Twitter yeah I mean it's just fucking unreal so hot thinking about having a kid I'm sorry I'm you can't

not have a kid cuz it's so hot honestly fucking lazy ass up you can't not have a kid because it's too hot to have a kid they're not gonna be able to go outside and you're gonna have to hang out with them all the fucking time that's what listen this isn't about me being like my child will never get to experience a safari and get to swim in the ocean it's like I'm just I don't want to deal with a child during like the end times and I don't I don't want to go I don't want to be around a kid 24 hours a day in a fucking bunker without electricity that's what's sucked get out my bunker yeah those are the kids we need to get

rid of like four-year-olds who cares about the damn zygote I'm like have you spent out 40 minutes with a two-year-old that's we need like a two-year-after pill dude yeah I want to adopt like a teenager yeah I think I'd be a great mom for like a eight and up I want to talk to kids about life I want to like listen to their feelings I just I can't like I don't want to pull I don't really want to play I want to go outside too hot to adopt that's your new special that has to be a new special she has a new special coming up on HBO Max called good clean filth comes out July 16th on Saturday and it'll be it's on HBO on

Saturday July 16th and then it'll be on HBO Max and then yeah F-boy Island season 2 F-boy Island season 2 yeah and and I have a daily podcast and a daily podcast too yeah Monday through Thursday Nikki Glaser podcast wow it's daily too huh yeah because weekly I don't know every time they would come up and be like oh god fuck another like it would just it would feel like I do one and then be like yes I get a break in the next one would just show up and I'd be like God so I was just like just make this every day so it's not something you dread it's just the way life is and I love it it's my favorite thing to do yeah it's good

I'm grateful you're here thanks so much that you're here thank you for having me yeah it's a lot of fun yeah so fun Nikki Glaser for me to set that parking brake and let myself on my yeah and these wheels that I've been riding on they want something that they're damn they're gone I guess now they just weren't built