This Past Weekend - E502 Nikki Glaser

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Starting point is 00:01:26 Thank you guys so much for your support. Today's guest is a comedian. She's my friend. She's one of the roasters from the recent Tom Brady roast on Netflix. She's one of the best roasters of all time. She has a new special out on HBO called Someday You'll Die.

Starting point is 00:01:46 Today's guest is Nikki Glaser. Shined that light on me. I'll sit and tell you my stories. Shined on me. And I will find a song I've been singing Yeah, I um, I'm gonna sip of this coffee so I think I'm gonna talk to a woman then. It's different? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:02:25 Really? All good. Yeah, dude, talking to a dang woman, are you kidding me? Really? Yeah. It's the biggest fear inside of a man, I think, is talking to a woman. Some people, they, men will, yeah, men, they can't,

Starting point is 00:02:42 yeah, people sometimes can't talk to a woman. Yeah, I feel that way. I have a nervousness around men that I think fell away when I started doing comedy, because I just felt like, oh, I'm one of the boys now. Men don't treat me differently, they don't see me sexually, even though sometimes I do want to be seen that way, but I don't think about it much anymore.

Starting point is 00:03:05 But yeah, I've used to feel that way all the time. But now I feel like I relate to men sometimes more than women and enjoy having conversations. Cause I feel like I pull out like a feminine energy from men that I like, that they don't get to express a lot. Like I like, I like when the guys I'm, a guy I'm dating has women friends because he gets to release some emotion

Starting point is 00:03:27 that doesn't have to come out on me. I don't have to be the only place for that. Because he doesn't feel safe doing it to me because it's not sexy. He can do it with his girlfriends that there's no sexual vibe. Because women are asking, how are you? And if it's a big lesbian friend too,

Starting point is 00:03:38 you could cry on a lesbian. Oh, absolutely. I mean, they. I can't because it gets sexual. But a man can cry on can cry on a lesbian like oh they get a little too comforting to me when I cry There should be like a place like in nature or on I'm not gonna say like street corners or whatever but where there is a devout lesbian who is You know who is?

Starting point is 00:04:02 Totally has gone through whatever the steps are to be a lesbian and is there to take the journey off of a man to just shoulder some of the burden. Because a lot of men didn't get either one of their parents because one of their parents was gone because of divorce and then the other parent because of that had to work. So a lesbian, a tough lesbian too. Not one of these little Las Vegas nightly rental lesbians.

Starting point is 00:04:30 I'm talking about a real fuckin' oatmeal-eatin' lesbian. Do you ever feel though that lesbians have no use for you because you're a man? Oh yeah. Like that they're just like, get the fuck outta here. I don't need to deal with this shit. Yeah, we are the ugly women, the lesbians. Oh, man. That's what a man is, you're the ugly out of here. I don't need to deal with this shit. Yeah, we are we are the ugly women a lesbian That's what a man is How does an ugly woman feel because the lesbians aren't going after her either

Starting point is 00:04:52 So that's an ugly woman is an ugly woman to everyone That's what that's why it's so important to stay like hot you feel like no one wants you really you think that yeah, it's I think it's yeah As an ugly man acceptable to anyone I think there's certain like yeah Joking dude every these days first of all everybody looks pretty good these days can we say that well if you have money There's no reason you you better look good, but like it's right But even the government is like buying people teeth and phones, phone cards. It's like, I feel like everybody kind of almost looks

Starting point is 00:05:35 the same now, really. Yeah, I agree. Everybody's about like an eight and then you have some people that- That's true. Or I don't know, there's definitely some people that are 10s, but everybody's kind of like an eight or seven. But the 10s were like born 10s,

Starting point is 00:05:47 and you can't like buy, you can buy a nine, you can't buy a 10, like when that's just like, you see a model and they're just like an alien. They're very rare though, they're probably more rare than psychopaths or something, you know what I mean? Percentage wise. Yeah, only God makes 10s, huh? Yeah, that's a good, yeah.

Starting point is 00:06:06 A doctor can't. They try, they can get like 9.2. Yeah, they can get like. You get a good one, but even, it's hard to find a doctor that can do that kind of work. Yeah. No, it's Dr. God. Dr. God, baby, God luck.

Starting point is 00:06:22 Yeah. But yeah, there's no, like, you can just, that's the pressure though, is like, sometimes when I feel like, oh, you don't look as good as you could look, like, I always want to reach my potential, right? Ooh, now that's a good point. Now my potential with enough money is 9.2.

Starting point is 00:06:37 Like I just said, enough, like, I can find a person to make me a 9.2, and I'm not a 9.2, but there is surgery, there's a right person out there that can transform my face and my body into exactly, that's as high as I could get and I'm not reaching it and so I just go, I'm failing in some way and my friends who don't have money go, I'm just the way I am because I can't afford to do that but I could maybe afford to do that

Starting point is 00:06:58 so I feel like I need to do that. You gonna risk it? Yeah, I mean I do stuff already, I get like injections and stuff here and there and I'm not like, I don't do it a lot're gonna risk it? Yeah, I mean, I do stuff already. I get like injections and stuff here and there, and I'm not like, I don't do it a lot, but every couple years I get insecure enough that I'm like, let's just see what we're gonna do. And I like the risk of it.

Starting point is 00:07:12 It's like getting a tattoo. It's like, it can be bad, a haircut. Like, I can get it dissolved or what, I could turn it back around, but it is, when women have face work or men, and it kind of gets fucked up, I sometimes go, good for you, you took a fucking chance. That's a good point, huh?

Starting point is 00:07:25 Yeah, you're a risk taker. You are the ultimate. Yeah, you're somebody that reached in the draft. You are Sean Payton of the Denver Broncos in Reconstructive Surgery Realm. Yeah, because you definitely see, well, sometimes I'll kiss a woman and her lip tastes like a part of, like it's like a, yeah, it tastes like something you would throw to a dog to catch kind of, like it just like feels like a shoe toy. A shoey thing, yes.

Starting point is 00:07:51 So it doesn't feel like you're kissing them anymore, it just feels like you just want to uh. Oh you can feel filler, for sure. I don't have it in my lips but I got it just like recently down here, which for some reason makes this go up, like it's all like, I don't even know how it works but I don't like all the like I got something here I've never gotten in before but I can feel it like I don't whenever I'm like you know going like this like hmm I'm like oh god cuz I don't you feel weird pressing on it I guess I'm on the feeling I get some like on the back of my legs bottom of my butt

Starting point is 00:08:16 maybe just to make me a little taller like when I'm in a seat or whatever I would that is a way to get taller. Sitting only. Yeah, you're sitting down a lot. Nobody thinks about that, hey. Holy shit, of course you would. Sitting tall. You're like, yeah, I'm not that tall when I'm standing up, but when I'm sitting, I'm a little taller than you'd expect.

Starting point is 00:08:33 I mean, are you good on your posture? Like, are you working on that? Fuck no, dude. Yeah, I was working on it, dude, until I quit working on it. I mean, like, when you're conscious of it, when I am conscious, when I sit the way I'm supposed to with my shoulder blades down my neck extended

Starting point is 00:08:45 And my back like this is a good look. I know this is gonna look better than what I really want to do Which is this yeah? Armadillo, but this feels like I'm gonna meet some dudes gonna try to meet me. I feel like all the time. Yeah, you're You're waiting for a grinder date or you're waiting yeah, you're hoping they pick you to go on the Mayflower or something like It has a very, yeah, if your posture. Alert ready. Yes. Pick me.

Starting point is 00:09:11 Yeah, yeah. Yeah, pick me. That's what it feels like, pick me. Yeah, but for a girl in a way, she can sit in a way that is just like, I have confidence. Like there's a way to sit that's like exude sexuality for sure. Well, yeah, oh, definitely.

Starting point is 00:09:24 For a woman? Yeah, oh definitely, for a woman? Yeah, to like, I don't even know how to contort my body in that way, but I know that when I am trying to look sexy, my back hurts afterwards. Because I've been holding this arch back. It's not healthy, it's not good, but some girls just walk around naturally like that. Oh yeah, people from Toronto have the best posture,

Starting point is 00:09:40 I don't know if you've been there or not. Have you been there? Oh yes, and it kinda checks out in my memory. But I- Oh, they're like- Wait, why? Maybe they're school desks? Because that's what breaks us. It could be like the,

Starting point is 00:09:52 I don't know how gravity is up there or something, but it's definitely, there's a, they are very, you know, they look very on purpose. They look very on purpose. Okay. Yeah. Like a lot of people like wander around like, oh look at this fucking accident.

Starting point is 00:10:08 Yes, Toronto. Yeah, yeah. But it's not an intimidating on purpose. Like Toronto, they're like, is it, I always say it wrong, Toronto, not Toronto. It's Toronto. I think you can call it whatever you want, dude. They're just happy you came to visit, I think.

Starting point is 00:10:20 They really are. Yeah. And they should be. It's a bitch getting there. Well, and it's like, a lot of people didn't even think Canada was real for a long time. Like we had to discover it like seven times before people are like, yes, OK, we'll admit it. That's your real. Is that the history of that? I don't really know how. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:10:40 I mean, oh, 100 percent, dude. Canada, dude. Yeah. A lot of people are like, I don't know, man. Yeah. We'll see about it. That's what you see a lot of times. Every time I go there, don't you feel like you're, they are like Air Canada.

Starting point is 00:10:52 You fly there, they're mad at you when you're flying them. I don't like that. I just don't like flying Air Canada. And then when I get there, the customs feel so aggressive that I'm just like. They don't like us. Are you happy I'm here? They don't want us. No, they're not, yeah.

Starting point is 00:11:06 That's the real truth. I think you're right. I think you're... And then once you get in though, the people love you. People are always like, why don't you come? And I'm like, it's your border control. Makes me feel like a criminal and makes me feel like, why are you here?

Starting point is 00:11:16 Well, we kind of have become that. I mean, America's a criminal state, obsessed with capitalism, that has sacrificed everything that was good to make a couple bucks. So I get why they're tapping us on the shoulder a little extra over there on the way in. I get it, they don't want that energy.

Starting point is 00:11:34 They don't want that semen in their country. They're not looking to be famous and cool. They don't have that sad desire. And sad is just a word I use for that. But it's like- Yeah, we have some kind of desperation here, it feels like. Does that make any sense or no?

Starting point is 00:11:50 Totally. I'm fighting it all the time because I'm a part of it and I feed into it and it gets me. But I also am so disgusted by it. When I can't go shopping, because consumerism really stresses me out and thinking about all of these when I go shopping I just like look at all the racks of clothes. I'm like this is all gonna be in a landfill

Starting point is 00:12:09 This is all gonna be the ocean like that it grosses me out, but I'm also buying that stuff They're just shipping it to me So I don't have to see it in mass amounts and think about that But so I'm I'm on both sides of it, but yeah, we've it's it's a bitch. It's interesting Well the question everybody wants to know is But yeah, we've, it's a bitch. It's interesting. Well, the question everybody wants to know is, how's that vagina doing, huh? It's pretty good. That's what's up, girl.

Starting point is 00:12:33 Yeah, that's what's up. It's like, right now, it's like a good day. Like, do you have like good and bad days down there? Good wiener days, kind of? Like where you're just like, I wouldn't mind if someone saw it. Like, it's looking, I think vaginas have more going on that can be either Just there's more pieces to have in place that some days

Starting point is 00:12:51 You're just like this is great, and it's probably the days that you should that you're like ovulating or whatever Oh, it's that party nostril homie. That's what it is. Oh, you know what I'm saying the deep the deepest dimple, baby Let's get it. You know what I'm saying is definitely it dimple, baby, let's get it. You know what I'm saying? It's definitely, it's like the 30th wonder of the world, I guess. It used to be like the number one wonder of the world. It was like there, it was like Guantanamo Bay, like Gary Busey, and then like the Leaning Tower of Peace or whatever.

Starting point is 00:13:19 And then like, but it's definitely lost, I think. It kind of went down with crypto, I feel like. The vagina did some. It does feel like people aren't as interested in hearing about it and talking about it and like getting It moved to ass is that what people are interested in or is it just like or that ass pussy? That's what a lot of gay dudes would be like. Let me get that ass pussy. I like that. Why not? I don't like I don't like hearing it. Yeah, the mall or whatever when I'm At an aero postali or that popcorn shop that they have always.

Starting point is 00:13:49 That's when the mall's going out of business. If you have more than one popcorn shop and you're not in Minnesota, your mall is giving day. But yeah, that's what a lot of gay dudes are hunting for that ass pussy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's all they've got yeah, but there's a lot of like like

Starting point is 00:14:10 Cuz gay dudes you be like I'm God made me gay right or whatever I'm not gay by choice, but the second they buy you one drink. They're trying to get you to choose to be gay It's like that's interesting Yeah, like well because they see how you can make that... They probably are buying into this fluidity thing of like, they probably, as in high school, hooked up with girls and were like, I know how to hook up with someone I'm not attracted to and convince myself to be into it.

Starting point is 00:14:36 You do that now with me. You know, because they have to do that. Like, you know, not maybe kids now, but in some states, yes, but like, when I was growing up, there weren't out, there weren't kids in my graduating class that were gay. No one was gay. That were like, yeah. Everybody called everybody gay,

Starting point is 00:14:52 but nobody was definitely gay. But we knew who was, but they had to hook up with girls. I mean, into their 20s and 30s sometimes, they're hooking up with girls. Can you imagine having to hook up with someone you're just so not into? I mean, yes, I I can I've done it before But it's alcohol would probably make it so I could do it. Yeah or marriage or yeah, I think a lot of people get

Starting point is 00:15:12 Married or whatever and then they're like damn this dude's gay or whatever Oh, and then they're stuck with a gay husband, but I think a lot of women because of things like A lot of women, because of things like, watch what happens live, they love having a gay husband. It's almost cooler than having a straight husband and whatever he's doing. They'd rather have this crazy gay husband and then they just write crazy boy on their butt or whatever before sex or whatever.

Starting point is 00:15:39 I don't know. No, I don't think they ever, I think they just, I do think they know he's gay and they just have a tacit agreement that we're gonna do kind of indulge in some of these things but never call it out that you're gay. Like I feel like you're right about having, being married to a gay man would be fun

Starting point is 00:15:55 because there's a feminine energy to him that would be almost like having a girlfriend. Oh, it's the largest Pomeranian you can have if you're a woman, is a gay husband. Yeah? Yes. But at least your Pomeranian could go down on you and enjoy it. That's true. You know, and have a good time.

Starting point is 00:16:13 Yeah. That is the irony of putting peanut butter on your genitals or whatever, like, and having a dog licking it off, it's disgusting and absolutely illegal and should be, but the dog would like it. No, like, they already like crotches, and then plus peanut butter, it would, I mean,

Starting point is 00:16:28 there's no denying that that party would enjoy it. And wouldn't be like, I don't wanna do this. I mean, unless they're being forced, but if it's on their own licking. Yeah, it's true. We're really not helping each other get what we want. With these bestiality laws we have, yeah. It's just like-

Starting point is 00:16:45 No, I know. As soon as animals can vote, dude, we're going to learn a lot. Or the soon as they can do the alphabet or whatever. They just had a dog or whatever that can open up- With their tongue? No, he can open up a pack of cigarettes. So can you look that up? I want to say it was an Australian shepherd.

Starting point is 00:17:01 That sounds right. You need to take him to a vet ASAP. Well, okay. If he's opening up a pack of cigarettes. That's crazy then, hold on, here's crazy. This is how in St. America is. It says, if your dog ate a cigarette, you need to take him to the vet ASAP.

Starting point is 00:17:16 However, Americans can smoke them as much as we want. Actually, it says, if your dog opened up a pack of cigarettes you need to take him to the vet. He said tobacco and the filters from cigarettes can be toxic. However, it doesn't say this part, but it low-key does. If you are human, feel free to smoke your fucking life away. I mean, no one... It's crazy that people still smoke. I mean I vape sometimes like yeah, I've baked sometimes It's like we know it's bad But what the fuck like we know it's bad, but YOLO

Starting point is 00:17:53 Yeah, I guess it's like I don't know if it's not ruining my life yet. I can't yeah, let me do it Yeah, there's always gonna be something I think and we're imperfect creatures. It's so hard to not have anything. Yeah, it is But yeah, how's that? I think it's pretty good. I really haven't checked in on I haven't like done anything with it in so long I've just been wiping it after I pee that's like my and washing in the shower I haven't I haven't like had sex or had an orgasm in a really long time. Really? Yeah, I Know yeah, that's why I was like when you asked that I was really like, how is it because I haven't had sex or had an orgasm in a really long time. Really? Yeah, no. That's why I was like, when you asked that,

Starting point is 00:18:26 I was really like, how is it? Because I haven't done anything with it. I've just been too busy. Oh yeah, yeah. If you got busy cooter going on, it is. So it's good. I think it's really good right now because it's been not neglected in that way.

Starting point is 00:18:42 You feel like you get things back and you're like, oh. Oh, you've built up some chi. Yeah, oh. Oh, you build up some chi. Yeah. Really? Probably, and I do Pilates. I'm doing a lot of pelvic floor work, so it's probably pretty good. I love that.

Starting point is 00:18:53 Thank you. I love that for everybody. And also, yeah, I noticed. My back pussy? My butt pussy, though? No, I don't know about that. Shit, dude, I don't wanna talk about that. We can't talk about that here.

Starting point is 00:19:04 This is a Christian show. What about, like, cause I do notice, so say I'm a man, right? And so if I masturbate, like the next day, I do feel a little bit like weaker or a little bit less organized. You know? Yeah. I feel, sometimes I'll be a little like,

Starting point is 00:19:22 I'm not a hundred percent. Yeah, I've heard that. that I haven't I don't do it enough to like track it I do know that I can get like compulsive about masturbating if I'm like if I'm in a compulsive mood And I'm like I'll smoke weed okay. I got high and that was good for five minutes. I'll pick up the guitar Oh, I played one song okay now. I got so I'll eat a bunch of food, and then I'll do that I'm like I need more dopamine. Okay. I'll masturbate. After that, I'm like, okay, I'll go smoke weed again. And then I get back to masturbation. Not time yet, not ready to go. I'll eat more.

Starting point is 00:19:51 Like I just, that's when I can be- It sounds like a new diet, I feel like. Like a Nashville diet. That's what I feel like that sounds like, dude. It's horrible. I hate when I get into those spirals of just like just chasing it until you fall asleep Yeah, yeah, you're just like waiting for sleep to come But yeah, that's when I can be too much about it and that's and that's when I can track like oh, yeah

Starting point is 00:20:14 My mood it's just I'm trying to get dopamine up Mmm, but I don't really feel like a dullness afterwards or I don't feel like I'm harnessing anything by not coming or something I haven't I'm sure there's some truth to that, but I haven't felt it Do you does a woman feel less in less complete the day after an orgasm or like? Something like that like possibly, but I wouldn't know I'm not like someone who's like I Haven't tracked it. I haven't like what really you just haven't noticed in your life I can be really constipated and not know it I can like, why do I feel sick and none of my clothes fit? And then I'll go to the bathroom, I'll be like,

Starting point is 00:20:48 oh my god, I haven't pooped for like a week. I just don't notice my body. I'm not in tune with my body. Wow. So I don't like, when my friends are like, I feel sick, I think it's that thing I ate. I would never be able to trace things. I'm not paying attention to what makes me feel good.

Starting point is 00:21:00 I'm trying to do that more now and do somatic therapy and like, you seem really angry, where's that coming from? And I literally never have any answer from my therapist about like, I don't feel things on my body. I'm like numb. And it would seem to be that I was molested or something, but I can't remember anything like that happening either. So it's like kind of a disassociation.

Starting point is 00:21:18 Yeah, exactly. If it happened, I'm glad I didn't remember it. But something keeps me from being in tune. Yeah, molested or forget forgetful that could be a new That's insane and that's unfortunate to say dude. No, but they're you know, it's it's not nobody don't justify that I should just buy what you could say that because people are molested or But if you're molested you forgot your molestation You still have trauma from it because things happen to us as a baby that we don't understand, that we carry on to.

Starting point is 00:21:46 But what a gift it would be to not remember it and just have it be, and then you just keep blaming your parents forever and not knowing that it was some kind of babysitter you had or something that really did it. And they used to, I was going to talk about lobotomies, but can you believe that they did lobotomies? Yeah, I can. It's really unbelievable. Bring up some of the lobotomy information, please.

Starting point is 00:22:08 A lobotomy is a type of brain surgery that involves severing the connection between the frontal lobe and the other parts of the brain. And lobotomies became popular in the 1930s as a treatment for certain mental health conditions. There are times when I feel so mentally unwell that I would be like, if it went on a really long time that me feeling that bad I'd be like, please please take it out

Starting point is 00:22:31 Yeah, please cut the the the the cord connection that is making this happen Like you would want just an out like I still want it would be like a suicide without having to die Yeah, oh wow, but then you're still just milling around like God I wouldn't know huh? I would know and it's not bothering people though. Oh, I would hate it now You're just walking up people ask you to take a eternal trick-or-treat or you just bother Yeah, I guess I would never do a voluntary one, but if someone was like she must be I'd be like, okay You know like kind of like it's not my fault that I'm gonna be that yeah, they did this to me But yeah

Starting point is 00:23:03 There's times where it's like I can can see why they would wanna clip that cord. In addition to people who meet current definitions from mental illness practitioners, also performed lobotomies on people with intellectual disabilities who were gay, wow, who were in prison for crimes which some blamed on criminal insanity. Oh, a 2018 study also states

Starting point is 00:23:22 that most lobotomized people were women. Yeah, so it was just like bad PMS. And they're like, clipper. Yeah, like, hey, look. And what about, who's the group that came over to decide? That must have been a crazy dinner, huh? Because the woman had to cook it and also sit there and defend herself. Oh my God, I hope they let her clean up

Starting point is 00:23:45 before they took her away, because who's gonna do that? Oh my god, often the reasons doctors gave for this was they needed to maintain order in the hospital. You're right. Other reasons included a lack of interest in child care and strange behavior. What does that mean?

Starting point is 00:23:58 What do you mean a lack of interest in, other reasons include a lack of interest? Oh, I guess they did it to women who probably had postpartum and were're just like I don't really want This baby which most women were just getting raped by their husbands back then and making to have a baby every fucking chance that they could Why would you want that kid? Well, we wouldn't have mad men. First of all, if some of that didn't happen John him would never career if that didn't happen. So the fact that- I wouldn't be here if that didn't happen to my grandma. But the fact that he doesn't donate a million dollars

Starting point is 00:24:28 a year, okay, to secretaries of America with children is un-fucking-real. What lobotomies do to people. Proponents of lobotomies thought that the procedure could address the root cause of mental health symptoms by cutting off the part of the brain they believed was responsible for them well. So it really was just so pre-historical,

Starting point is 00:24:51 let's just go in there and cut the cable, you know? And you don't get, so you have apathy, you have distractibility, so you get a little ADD. Right, they reduced the functionality of frontal lobe, resulting in, okay, go on. Yeah, so lack of initiative, so lack of initiative so no one the lack of restraint Okay, so lack of restraint is not a good thing. That's probably a thing that they go Well, we don't like that like we want to control them euphoria you so they reduce the functionality

Starting point is 00:25:14 Oh, okay, so they reduce the functionality of the euphoria So they get euphoria and it resulted in yeah euphoria feeling of intense happiness. That sounds good significant changes in personality Okay, because I think a lot of those things are things that come from um the back of your head It's like from your like limbic system. I based on those symptoms. I'm pretty sure I've had a little bottom It's like Jack Jack Jack Jack Yeah, it's interesting Yeah, I'd be I'd do it back in the day I would have been up for it if you could come back again if you get to run it back, right?

Starting point is 00:25:48 Yeah, Whitney Glazer. Sorry Mickey Glazer fucking did that on purpose. I did not yes you did I would never do that. Really? That's funny. My brain is so really I love it. I love being you know Misgendered or whatever Whitney or being thought well she's the same gender as me I was thinking you're talking what you're thinking Whitney Cummings oh dang I wonder if my brain was really or who what kind of when you think Whitney who do you think definitely not Houston you're I think it's very funny Whitney has some fucking Igers on her. I've seen them, have you seen them? Some pool toys, dude. Yeah, and they're nice.

Starting point is 00:26:26 And the lifeguard can take the day off, you feel me? She's got those unsinkable battle shit, bro. Whitney's on duty, yes. Yeah, she's got those U-boats, dude. If I were that baby, I would never grow past two months. No. Those are insane, you're right. And they're probably even, they get so good

Starting point is 00:26:47 when women are pregnant. Do they? Oh my God, my friends who have tiny tits are just like giant, firm, full, nice color of nipples, they get a little darker, it's just, their tits look amazing. That's the one thing that they wish to keep. That's what I need, that freaking, that birthing tit.

Starting point is 00:27:04 Yeah. God, it's just something everybody wants. Yes. Just to see those things, and before the baby gets to them. I don't know if it's what everybody wants, but yeah, I enjoy a pair of, like, Whitney's, you just can't deny they're amazing. And when I saw them, I was like,

Starting point is 00:27:22 I wanna, like, I wanna feel what that's like. Yeah. I don't know if I felt them, I was like, I want to like, I want to feel what that's like. Yeah. I don't know if I felt them though. I want to know what love is. You know that song? Oh yeah. I want you to know me. Yeah. Something. I think you got it right.

Starting point is 00:27:35 Yeah. Yeah. If you got, if you got to be reincarnated based on a lot of what you've done. So you've been a women's lib activist, right? Shut up. Well, you have. Whatever. A women's lib activist. I'm Shut up. Well, you have. Whatever, a women's lib activist? I'm just a woman. Or whatever it's called.

Starting point is 00:27:49 You mean being a woman and just wanting, like speaking freely as one? I don't know that I'm, what comes to mind when you think of me like that? No, I think you haven't been like a, like a, you know, like, rr, grr, grr, you know? Pussyhat. Like, yeah, like, you know, like, rrrr, grr, grr, you know? Pussyhat.

Starting point is 00:28:05 Like, yeah, like, you know, you know, Charm-a-Vulve or whatever some of those women are doing for Africa or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I think, yeah, you're like a proud female. Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely. So, and someone who speaks up for women. Yeah, I mean, yeah, I think so

Starting point is 00:28:25 So maybe I might have been the best from I didn't mean it like you I didn't mean it like a negative thing No, I'm not like a man. Hey, I hope people don't personify me as like a man hating That feminist I actually like like men a lot and I empathize Even the things that I'm like why do men not have to do this and we have to do this and I'm like mad about The disparity it's like I'm not mad at men about it. It's just the gender roles. It's not like your fault that like men's fault that this is the way it is or there are many ways in which women are shittier or have it better than men do.

Starting point is 00:28:57 And it's like not our we don't need to be villainized for it. It's just kind of the roles we fall into. I think there's a there's a ton of truth that what was I just reading the other day was about something that women they they were they don't want to Do it. Oh, this was about bumble. Did you see it? Oh, yeah They just changed the setting so men can now reach out to women because it used to be just women only reaching out to Men women had to ask first and I believe women are like, you know what? We don't want to do that. It doesn't it's not sexy I would say most men are not really...

Starting point is 00:29:25 No, that's a good point. Bumble really does us a favor by having this feature because women need to learn that if you want to attract a man who's a masculine energy man, you gotta let him be the one to lead. And men don't really like women taking the lead. Feminine energy men do. And it doesn't mean gay men, but like there's less. There's like 20% of men are feminine, straight men are feminine energy. And that's just, and then there's 20% of women that are masculine energy women, which sometimes I am.

Starting point is 00:29:51 Like on stage, I'm a masculine energy woman. Like anyone who's horny for what I do on stage is a feminine energy guy, probably. That like is a, like wants a partner, like the person I am on stage. And so a lot of times the guys that are throwing themselves at me After shows are not my vibe because offstage. I'm like a feminine energy woman I'm like I want someone like that like I I want to be the girl

Starting point is 00:30:13 But then people don't think of me that way because of on stage you kind of naturally have to be masculine It's like you're talking to a microphone and like having opinions like that's kind of a turnoff to men. It's interesting I don't think of you is that way. I think probably like Eliza maybe I think more of is that way because she's definitely Yeah, there's a spectrum. You know her pacing and energy, you know, probably add to that. I wonder who else is that I think. Like just the nature of a woman going like this is what I think and everyone needs to listen

Starting point is 00:30:43 Even if I'm like this is what I think and and everyone needs to listen. Even if I'm like, this is what I think, and everyone needs to listen, and I have my tits out. It's still like, you're talking to a microphone to a bunch of people who have to be quiet, especially men have to be quiet. It's like, it's a masculine energy thing. It's okay that men are like, I don't really like female comics, like I get it.

Starting point is 00:30:59 It like, it's like, it makes sense to me when guys are kind of like, that's not my thing. It's like a woman like yelling at you. If you grew up with a really aggressive- We've talked about it before, mother, yeah. It's like, makes sense to me when guys are kind of like that's not my thing It's like a woman like yelling at you if you grew up with a really aggressive mom. We've talked about it before. Mother yeah, yeah, it's like I get it. It was hard for me for years I think sometimes to listen because it was just like it I didn't even know that it reminded me of my mother But it was always something but yeah, it totally makes sense I think some of that went away after a while, but yeah Bumble said now yeah Bumble said that they're not after a while, but yeah, Bumble said now, yeah, Bumble said that they're not,

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Starting point is 00:31:40 Good, I like this. So like little flirting cues, huh? Love it, just any chance for a guy to like reach out and let you know he's into you without really giving away too much. Oh yeah. It's so embarrassing. Like even for me, if I like someone

Starting point is 00:31:52 and like wanna let them know, like I won't let them know until I'm 100% sure they're into me. Like 100% sure. I don't want that rejection. And I'm sure men feel that way all the time. Well yeah, and there's no sure bets, you know? It's like everything, I think this is one thing

Starting point is 00:32:08 that's a lot in our society these days. Everybody wants a sure bet, right? Yes. They want a lot of messages to make sure that everything is okay, that there's, like you're there. Everything has to be a home run. Yeah, nobody wants to kind of make that move and be at risk. I mean, they're even setting it up like that here now.

Starting point is 00:32:27 But now it's like a little thing. Like, it's like this is the equivalent of like a long look across a room at a bar. Like, I've learned... I feel like sometimes autistic when I have to learn how to like flirt. Like the idea of like, if you like a guy, you're supposed to like hold eye contact for like four seconds, which is a really long time. But it's just a way to let a guy know tacitly, without being aggressive, that like, I'm into you. Then he can then, then he gets it like,

Starting point is 00:32:49 there's no way that girl's not into me. She just looked at me that long. But it wasn't like a masculine energy look. It was like, I'm like, it was like, come here, boy. It wasn't even like this. It was just like, and then that gives a guy enough confidence like, okay, she's probably into me. Now I can approach.

Starting point is 00:33:02 But this is that. It gives them a chance to like not risk anything. I always feel like if a girl looks at me like that, it's like's probably into me, now I can approach. But this is that, it gives them a chance to not risk anything. I always feel like if a girl looks at me like that, it's like she wants to probably, oh, this chick wants to borrow some cash, I feel like. Well, that too. You know, I gotta get out of this bar.

Starting point is 00:33:15 Well, yeah, I mean, like, well, you're a celebrity now, so that's different. Like, women are gonna look at you longingly all of the time. Like, they're, it's true. When I started podcasting, having an online store was the furthest thing from my mind. We started just selling a shirt and then people wanted another shirt. And we said, well, dang, we'll give you another shirt.

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Starting point is 00:34:29 leading commerce platforms. Right now you can sign up for a dollar per month trial period at Shopify.com slash Theo, all lowercase T-H-E-O. Just go to Shopify, S-H-O-P-I-f-y dot com slash t-h-e-o lowercase now to grow your business no matter what stage you're in Shopify dot com slash Theo. The Sun is out baby it's bright gosh it's really really starting to grill people and And you want to be ready.

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Starting point is 00:36:22 Girls like you, Theo. Yeah, well I- You know it, come on. No, I know some girls like me. But it's like, I'm not, I'm not, uh, it has not made dating people any easier. No, that doesn't change things. It makes getting your dick sucked easier. Nah, it doesn't even make that easier, I don't think a lot of times.

Starting point is 00:36:41 Because it's like, you're worried, like, say you want to meet somebody, right? And so then you meet up, you go on even make that easier, I don't think, a lot of times, because it's like you're worried, like say you wanna meet somebody, right? And so then you meet up, you go on a date or something, you're always afraid that they're gonna videotape you or try and like take advantage of you. Like I'll be eating breakfast and I'll see videos later online where people have like videoed me.

Starting point is 00:36:58 I know, I see you all the time, where people film you driving. It makes me just like feel very nervous, you know? It should, and it makes you not trust people and it makes you question Yeah, I can only imagine. I'm glad that I haven't reached that level yet where I feel like what are you talking about, dude? No, there's always somebody every time I scroll through tick-tock. You're yelling about your pussy or something That's probably true. But the algorithm has found you I'm not like right now I'm going through having like a moment where I'm being more recognizable

Starting point is 00:37:25 But prior to this week, I don't think it was at a level of what you deal with where people are filming you and stuff That's got to feel weird. Yeah. Well, I think here's the thing. I didn't realize is I I'll sometimes entertain it's like then I feel like I have to entertain because you don't want to be like a motherfucker Yeah, they're filming cuz then you're like a bad guy. I look at this guy's a bad guy. Oh, look at this guy. Video of you being a dick. Yeah, this guy's on pills or whatever. And people are like, knew he was back on the dust or whatever.

Starting point is 00:37:53 You're like, what the fuck? Do you read that shit? I don't read all of it, but I definitely see stuff. You can't miss it, of course. Yeah. And then it doesn't even matter if you don't read it. You're like you then you just your mind wonders to what they could be saying. It's usually worse than what they even are.

Starting point is 00:38:06 It's like, yeah, that's gotta feel shitty. I've seen, yeah, some people bombard you before and you're always funny and you're always nice. Yeah, but also you are someone that people just feel so close to and feel so connected to and feel like you're looking out for them and that you care about them, that people are just...

Starting point is 00:38:23 But also you're someone who's, even if they film you in your natural habitat and you don't that you care about them, that people are just, but also you're someone who's, even if they film you in your natural habitat and you don't know you're being filmed, I trust you to be someone, you're just not someone that's gonna be like so different than you are here. Yeah, yeah, it's not like I'm gonna be buying a slave or something or doing something, you know, or you know, burying somebody.

Starting point is 00:38:41 But yeah, I think, I'm not complaining. I love getting to meet people I think it has been interesting those songs when it gets to levels of where you really do some people do have to buy slaves There's a slave. There's a human slave trade. I mean you see it in bathrooms like if you see a slate like Yeah, I mean they're everywhere but then Miami literally people meet Miami To exchange money to buy people all the time That's crazy and imagine you have to imagine getting all that cash out of an ATM. Do you must have to? How much how much is a I don't even know if we can look this up How much is a person on the internet? This is horrible. We we honestly this

Starting point is 00:39:21 Because I have no idea I would guess you could buy a person How much is it for $20,000? $10,000 probably in some markets. It's so sad average cost right here of Russian mail-order brides, which I'm not saying is walk out And this is way different. This is where you would is it huh? I want to denote that we're not talking about the same we haven't yes We're not saying hey a Russian a Russian mail order bride is somebody that enjoyed farming in the past or whatever. Mm-hmm. This is average cost of a Russian mail order bride, $2,500 to $4,500. Wow.

Starting point is 00:39:58 Yeah. I thought it would be... Oh, I'm aging out of Russian bride this month. Fuck. I hate this. This bums me out so much when I'm age out of slave, like being trafficked. I'm out. No one wants to traffic me. That could be your next special, Untraffickable. Untraff- please. It's so good. Because that is the exact age I'm at.

Starting point is 00:40:17 Where it's like you just- I'm not worried about it. I know young girls that like do worry about it. Getting stolen. Yeah, it's a thing. Well, let me tell you this ladies, if you're at the gas station, some guys like, hey, will you help me look for something in the trunk of my car and you get in there, dude? You shouldn't get in there. You know what I'm saying?

Starting point is 00:40:36 So it's like. Thank you. You're so fucking funny. Some of it's basic rules. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. Of companionship. Yeah. You know what I was going to say?

Starting point is 00:40:48 I was going to say something that was interesting. Oh, Russian bride. Sorry. You know the percentage of people that had slaves? What percentage of people owned slaves in America? I'm going to say like back in 1973 or what are you talking about like? Huh? No, no. 18 like at the peak of slaves 1820 I would I would say

Starting point is 00:41:13 Honestly, just the wealthiest I would say 50% because it was probably there was more wealth back then I would say 5% or less. Oh, yeah, okay 25%? Only 25% of slaves, but slavery factored heavily in the economy of all the colonies, wow. Wow. We also don't know if this is a... Yeah, we don't know what...

Starting point is 00:41:37 This is referencing exactly. This feels like a thing, a statistic that should be readily available. Oh, he posted one lie circulating only 1% of white southerners owned slaves, but the 1% of white southern families owned 200 or more human beings. But in states of the Confederacy, at least 20% owned at least one. And in Mississippi and South Carolina, ran as high as 50%. Wow, you're right. Jesus.

Starting point is 00:41:59 Man. Yeah. I mean, we all, like, wear things and use things that are made by slaves. Like we all participate in it. I'm what, this skirt was made by a slave, someone who is not getting paid a lot and working back breaking hours in some country. Like it's just the way that it is. We're so fucking lucky. Are we though? We are to not be doing that. We're the luckiest people that have maybe ever lived in the history of humankind We're in the top point zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero A slave over there that like I can't complain about my life I don't feel that because I feel like you know there's problems with my life too that are just you know Yeah, and it's all about if she was my shoes. It's all relative. Yeah, she made yeah You're like dare try them on she already walked a mile in

Starting point is 00:43:01 To break them in till I give them that worn look that you pay extra for? Oh, damn. I'd walk a mile in hers, but I don't wanna wear, you know. I'm gonna stop you. It's sad. Oh, it's sad. You gotta laugh about it because. You have to laugh about it.

Starting point is 00:43:19 The other day I started. I'm not making excuses for being like, I'm making an inappropriate joke laughing at slaves. Literally, what the fuck am I supposed to do otherwise? At least I'm talking about it. Yeah. Like, at least it's something, I feel. Oh yeah, the other day I was with some black guys,

Starting point is 00:43:32 this other black guy came up and there said, damn, Larry looked like a slave. And I was like, and everybody laughed, you know? I wrote a joke for the roast that was about Andrew Schultz. That was like, you, what's this look you've got going on? You look like a plantation owner that wants his slaves to think he's cool. Which is like a great joke.

Starting point is 00:43:55 But the word slave like just turns people off and it was too high risk to like drop that word. And at first I was seeing a slave owner that wants his slaves to think he's cool. But then I did it and Finesse Mitchell, a black man, saw me do it at the Laugh Factory and he suggested make it plantation owner just to take some of it.

Starting point is 00:44:13 Because the black community, I guess, does not even like the mention of that word, which is something I didn't, of course they don't, but I wasn't even thinking that. That could be offensive or just not a cool thing to just say liberally like that that yeah yeah but I wouldn't have thought about that word I don't know maybe that's really me being so naive and just a dumb white bitch but I didn't know that but now I do yeah well that's

Starting point is 00:44:34 not that's not the perfect picture for that what I was just saying but that's you get it yeah let's talk about the Rose congratulations thanks first of all you were so funny. Thanks. And not that you weren't going to be, but I think it's a tough environment to do it in. I had one experience with the roast, right? Yeah, tell me. Nothing in comparison to yours, but I realized something about it. It was probably like eight years ago or 12 years ago or something.

Starting point is 00:45:00 It was like, who was on it? It was like, I think like, it was like a lot of like B list or D list celebrities type. Where was it? It was like Tila tequila. Oh, it was like for network germane dupre. I think maybe was on it I don't know who else was on it Was this a VH1 MTV Comedy Central? What what? Oh, no, it was just a fundraiser somewhere. Oh, okay. This is a fundraiser.

Starting point is 00:45:26 So not like films, never gonna exist anywhere, but still. But still, right? And it was like, oh, that lady, Octormom or whatever that had all the children or whatever. Oh my god, Natalie Suleman, or yeah, yeah. She had like 30 children or something? Oh my god, this is a great roast fodder. You think it's funny and easy, it's gonna be cool,

Starting point is 00:45:42 but then you get up there and the people are right there. Yeah. And you're like, oh my God, this is gonna hurt some people's feelings and I have to say this stuff. Yes. So that was when I realized how, what a tough moment it is. Do you feel that when you're doing it?

Starting point is 00:45:59 I thought, no, I don't actually. The only time I, if you sign up for a roast, like I understand maybe the first roast that ever happened and I would feel bad, cause like what is this and I wrote all these jokes. But like go watch roast compilations, that's what's coming at you. If you agreed to do this,

Starting point is 00:46:17 you are opening yourself up to that. But what if you sign up for a content, say you sign up for something where somebody's gonna call you a F-A-G-G-O-T, right? You sign up for it. Somebody's like, that's the thing. You want to sign up? You're like, yeah, I'll sign up for it, dude. And it seems chill. You're whatever. You're backstage practicing. Yeah, that's like a good time. Yeah, you're backstage practicing or whatever, like how you're going to react

Starting point is 00:46:34 when they call you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. But then you go out there. It's literally Tom Brady in the bowels of the Kia Forum the other night is practicing what to look like when they call him that word. Probably. Yes. That's what I heard is that, you know, he was nervous before. Was he? Probably, yes. Oh, yeah. That's what I heard is that, you know, he was nervous before and he's probably more worried about his own set than thinking about the reactions, but I think that's a part of being on a roast

Starting point is 00:46:52 where you have to like think about what you're gonna do when they make fun of you. Yeah. Yeah. I can't hide my feelings, I think it would be tough. Yeah, it is tough. That's why I was so glad that I would, like next time they'll come at me hard

Starting point is 00:47:02 because I'll be known, but this time no one knows me so no one came at me. I mean, there were a a couple jokes, but nothing but that consistent every person's gonna hit you Yeah, I would hate that I'm gonna hate that I'll be older my face will have more things in it that will make it look weird for people to make fun Like you know, like they'll be there'll be more fodder and it will hurt a lot a lot So you agree though that there's some pain there Oh so much pain, but I did like you like I said I before when I've been doing Rose I never thought about people's feelings and I think the last rose I did was five years ago and in that time

Starting point is 00:47:35 I think I've worked on myself enough to have empathy and like not want to hurt people and so this time I was Really worried about it and like I'm not saying this joke about Jeff Ross, it's too mean. And I don't even believe it. I don't wanna say this joke about Burt Kreischer only having one joke. I don't even feel that way. But it's like, my friends kept reminding me, it's a roast, this is what it is. And they signed up for it.

Starting point is 00:47:54 Don't pull back, it's just, it's this. Right. So I just, but I fought it a lot. There were some jokes I didn't do, and wouldn't even say here, because I was just like, they came from such a mean place and I could never, ever say that to someone's face. But five years ago, I definitely would have done that joke.

Starting point is 00:48:07 Really, so you think you were toned down this time? Yeah, I mean, but in the right way. Like, I think it resonated because I hit the exact right tone. Like, you do that slave joke and I could have lost people because they're just like, why did she say slave? Like, the set was built perfectly in the word. Don't say it anymore. Yeah, I know.

Starting point is 00:48:24 It was built perfectly so that it was, uh, didn't affect- But I didn't- I didn't pull back. I found ways to, like, go just as hard in the way that I wanted to. Yeah. I think. Oh yeah, I thought it was really masterful. I, um- Thanks, man.

Starting point is 00:48:36 Yeah. It was really, really cool. And then, yeah, you just see you everywhere and everybody's like, She killed it. This bitch is it. She's the fucking honky-cardyy B people are saying all kind of that Yeah, that's cool. Yeah, no like it's cool that It's like what I found a new Betsy Ross somebody wrote so

Starting point is 00:48:56 I don't even wait like Betsy like Like 1800s Betsy Ross. Yeah, the lady that made the freaking flag. The flag. Oh my God. Let's get up. Yeah. Thank you. That is, that feels really good. I heard she was a bitch too, dude. 1700s Betsy Ross, my bad. Lucky my buddy said his great grandfather knew her and she was a chatty bee, dude.

Starting point is 00:49:18 Oh yeah, look at her. And she lived forever and people were like, well this chatty bee just died. She made one cool- She would have had a podcast. Oh. A hit podcast. That's true, huh? Call Her Betty.

Starting point is 00:49:31 Yeah, Call Her Betty. She would have had it, man. But she probably said five sentences a day and they're like, she was chatty. She probably was just like, can I get some water? You know, Rick's wife made that flag and she's been real Chatty since then Thankfully my wife's missing

Starting point is 00:49:55 It was different time dude, but you could just kill your wife And do not say that do not get that no like you not now Hold on, you cannot. And do not say that, do not get that out there. No, like, not now. Please don't, you're gonna get caught. But back then, like, you could do anything. It was so, like, that's, I've been talking a lot about,

Starting point is 00:50:14 like, on stage about the desire to have kids or not have kids and how I think that a lot of the feeling that when women tell me, like, you gotta do it, you know, and I know they're just trying to get other women, like, when you're not having a good time, you me like, you gotta do it, you know? And I know they're just trying to get other women, like when you're not having a good time, you're like, other people, will you do this too?

Starting point is 00:50:29 There's a part of it, and it's very rewarding in its own way. But I think a lot of it, they actually do believe it's so rewarding, but I think at some point, you have to convince yourself that it is because you have no other option. You have to like it. You can't let in that this is a regret

Starting point is 00:50:43 because you can't take it back. You can let in that you regret marrying your husband because there's an out or oh, I bought this house or even this tattoo I got you can let in a little regret when you're like, oh, I can get it removed Kid kid you just have to you have to convince yourself you like it And I think you do actually end up liking it because of that, but I think it's because there's no out. What do you think? Well, I yeah, it's almost like going to prison in a way, kind of. Acceptance. Yeah, because you can't be the guy in prison

Starting point is 00:51:10 that's everyday is like, man, prison sucks, huh? You're so right, yes. And people are like, dude, shut the fuck up. I have to be in here for 21 and a half more years. Yes, but if you have a life sentence, like it would just, it would be your life. I think I could probably accept it if there was just no getting out. I'd like a life sentence, like it would just, you would just, it would be your life. I think I could probably accept it. If there was just no getting out.

Starting point is 00:51:28 I'd like a life sentence better than I would. Like you get out in 40 years. Oh, when you think it's your choice and you could appeal and like they're, yes. Cause none of your chicks either, if you hit them up when you get out, bro, it's a wrap. They're gonna be like- 40 years, oh yeah.

Starting point is 00:51:40 Well, hopefully you have a pen pal that you've been lubing up. That you like, and then there's someone waiting for you because, but as soon as you're available, they don't want you. Like as a woman who's attracted to unavailable men, as soon as a guy would get out of prison, I'd be like, I just think we should be friends.

Starting point is 00:51:55 Like I would, you know, all that stuff I said I was gonna do with you. Yeah. I'm just not into it anymore, because now you're free. But I, there's a part of me that understands when women like are attracted to guys that have life sentences.

Starting point is 00:52:04 They can never be with them. Fear of intimacy. That guy will never get to know me, never touch me, and I can just dream about it. And I can tell everybody about it. It's a great story. I'm the hero. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:52:17 Or I'm the psycho who likes this guy who murdered his wife and has convinced myself that he wouldn't do that to me if he had a chance. Yeah, yeah, I'm the guy. Or that I want that, kind of. Or I wanna be the one that's myself that he wouldn't do that to me if he had a chance Yeah, yeah, I'm like I want that kind of or I want to be the one that's like he wouldn't murder me They murdered everyone else like I remember hearing about this like yeah, there's no way to get a murder me, dude Oh Ben Affleck. What was it? What was he like? I'm always a fascinating man. I'm such a fan. You didn't know He just we didn't meet it even Brady before the show began We were just like got miked got sat and then all of a sudden the show starts Is that one of the reasons they do it you think so there's no no because then I guess maybe this is a different

Starting point is 00:52:51 Production company this time different network. It used to be Comedy Central We would all hang out a little bit before like five minutes before you'd shake their hand like the guy you're about to roast But there was none of that this time and then Affleck I think just wanted in and out because he didn't want anyone to even know he was there to be Roasted and I think he was supposed to stay on stage after he got done But he fucked it he booked it out of there because Tom referenced him in his set at some point And it was written in the prompter as if Ben would still be there and he was gone So I think either he got out because it didn't go the way he wanted it to or he got out because he's like fuck

Starting point is 00:53:20 I didn't realize it was gonna be this kind of thing I'm I'm not gonna sit there and get jokes told about me damn so but yeah was that was It was weird. So he was just in and out in and out. Yeah And yeah, what was it like when he was up there? What's it like? When somebody's up there and they are trying something right and it's maybe not being perceived or going over as well, right? We all do that. Yeah trying a new joke. It's a brave way to do it It just sucks for him that in the reason his set went poorly is because he committed to a joke that is the whole,

Starting point is 00:53:52 like if the joke doesn't work, the whole set's gone. Cause the whole set was this one premise of I'm reading a tweet and I'm talking back to this guy. So if it, the first joke bombs the whole, that's what's based. He didn't switch to another joke. Like for me, one of my joke bombs, I can get it back in the next one, totally different reset.

Starting point is 00:54:07 But his was all about this one thing. So much risk. It was not a good, something, either he didn't prepare well enough or something happened, but it was, but it could have happened to anyone. It's just, yeah, it happened to him and it sucked. He's always been a risk taker though, I feel like. Yeah, and he doesn't give a fuck.

Starting point is 00:54:25 No one's even talking about whatever that was. It'll be forgotten, he'll be fine. And he is a risk taker, I like that he even did it. And he had a point of view. You can tell it, the whole premise of it was like, Tom handed me his phone one day and I saw his messages and I couldn't even fathom the hate he was getting. So we started talking to one of those people

Starting point is 00:54:45 that was tweeting at him. And you could tell he was just really, that was his vendetta. He wanted to say something to the fans because he's been attacked so much. So it was a good premise. Like he wanted to get something out that was inside of him. It just didn't come out the right way.

Starting point is 00:54:59 But it was a good premise, I think, that was personal for him and obviously to Tom of getting so much hate. Like it's something, but it doesn't resonate with other people because we don't, most people aren't getting hate online and are just like, I don't care. Like you think about that.

Starting point is 00:55:12 Most people are writing the hate. Exactly, like we as comedians are always talking about, do you read the hate and stuff? People can't relate to that. People aren't getting this kind of, there are like, you know, there's a lot of influences out there, but it's not a relatable thing.

Starting point is 00:55:23 Yeah. I guess if you have like 400 followers, and that would be a lot of influences out there, but it's not a relatable thing. Yeah I guess if you have like 400 followers and that would be a lot for just a normal person If you know that many people that are following you if you get like 14 likes on something that's good Like are you getting sad if you get seven right like what it's probably just all the same Yeah, you don't you're not like as obsessed with that stuff that some people don't even have that shit to create themselves Yeah, I'll get some things that'll be like, bet your son will be a F.A.G. or whatever, you know?

Starting point is 00:55:49 And then it'll be like, go Raiders or whatever, or go Jets. It's all over the place. And you're like, well, what is this about? Is this a DraftKings advertisement? What is this? So that's the craziest thing, dude. Spring has sprung, baby. We're spraying, it's, it's sprang, you know it.

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Starting point is 00:58:26 Right now, you can get it off your chest with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Theo today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterH-E-L-P, help.com slash T-H-E-O. Was it better having the Comedy Central run the roast or was it better with Netflix? It was different. I think it's because this was live I was just like why are they gonna do that? Like why are they doing this live? Because it was an event. That's why everyone watched it. If this would have been just like something that aired later on I don't think it would have been this good because they were just it was like everyone's like what the fuck this is live

Starting point is 00:59:04 It was really crazy. And that's why, in Past Rose, I've done really, I've done this well before in Past Rose, I feel. But when, after it's edited, everyone looks like they did that good because of the magic of editing. So I've never had like this kind of splash. Not that I've been like, why didn't more people say I was good?

Starting point is 00:59:23 It just, I never even thought to think that. But I was like, I didn't, this to me was like a same that I've done on everyone, but it've been like, why didn't more people say I was good? I never even thought to think that. But I was like, I didn't, this to me was like a same that I've done on every one, but it was just like, it wasn't, I just did a set that wasn't edited, that looked edited because I knew it wouldn't be edited, so I didn't have the benefit of, I'll tell that joke and they'll just cut it if it doesn't go well. So I just had to make it like perfect. Good for you, dude. Thanks, man.

Starting point is 00:59:42 Way to think something through. Sometimes it's so hard to figure out all those little angles and piece them all together. It's really tough. It's, you know, and I got so much advice from my friends who work in production and who work in live production. My friends who are just good writers, good roast writers. Like I just got like a lot of advice of like how to frame it and tell a story and because you could just get up there and just tell the best jokes and like pick the best ones and that will be

Starting point is 01:00:05 A great set, but there's other elements to it too that make it fun and and can make it just more palatable I guess yeah I think your level of confidence to having had done it a lot. Yeah definitely helps also Comedy Central was horribly late to the social media game Can you believe Comedy Central still on? On one one shot they have two shows, three original shows right now. I think they have South Park, Aquafina, and one other animation show. That's all their original programming. Like how different is that than even 10 years? Like it's insane.

Starting point is 01:00:38 But you had comedy, you're the one thing that had comedy in your title. We've talked about that a lot on here, how they kind of dropped the wall. But the biggest thing that they did was they went late to social media. They went really late to it. They went late to internet. They just were late to that whole game. Yes. You know, they...

Starting point is 01:00:54 And Daily Show. Sorry, they have Daily Show. Oh, sorry, they have... Yes, that's it. Daily Show, Aquafina, Dig Man, and South Park. That's it. That's nuts. They used to have so much. Yeah. Well, times have just changed too. I mean, people aren't really watching. But they were late, and I think that didn't help as well.

Starting point is 01:01:09 So as if Roasters did great for people to see it as easily. Yeah, I was like, I blew up from the roasts because of clips that when TikTok came around. Right. Like that's when people noticed me from the original roast. And Netflix makes good clips. I mean, their clips just look glossier. It's just, you know, even as compared to stuff you see on, for some reason they, they just do it. They do a better job of it. And then Tom Brady is so high profile.

Starting point is 01:01:31 You just don't realize it. Yeah. I didn't even want to do a roast again. Like, I don't know the idea of roasting, like the Jonas Brothers, not that they even asked me to do that roast, but when that was, I was like, oh, that's the level where- They already did that one?

Starting point is 01:01:42 Yeah, which was fun and I probably would entertain it, but was like you it's I just didn't want to put myself Up to be made fun of like it's just not worth it to me if it's not a big deal and Tom Brady I'm like, this is a big deal. So I I wrote I think Robbie Praw the guy at Netflix who books everyone and I I think I wrote to him and or he wrote to me about something else and I go, I saw this Tom Brady roast, this is like six months ago. And I was like, I want that. And he was like, I'm actually meeting with Tom pretty soon. I was like, tell Tom I'm the Tom Brady of roasting

Starting point is 01:02:17 and that it's not gonna be a Tom Brady roast without the best roaster there is right now. And did I believe that at the time? No, no, no. Like, but I know, what I meant was I'll work the hardest. Like, I might be a six round draft pick, but I'll fucking, I'll prove to everyone by working hard. I will not take this lightly, this is a big oper-

Starting point is 01:02:37 And so, I don't even know if he communicated that to him, but I remember, like, I never talked myself up in that way. Like, I'm really not very good at being like I can Do this, but I really did feel like I could and so I thought oh if I can appeal to Tom sense of like I have work ethic like you do and I won't Phone this in this is a you're a big deal. I'm like get me and so when I got it I was like you this is the you have to give it everything right if you ask for the ball you have to fucking Everything yes, so I the amount of I worked on that I don't love working that hard

Starting point is 01:03:08 But you just have to ask for help you just have to have asked for help in terms of like Stopping other things and having people protect you from getting overworked and were you wearing panties up there or not to be honest Oh, yeah, totally. Oh, yeah, you got I was wearing. I was actually yeah Did you think about what panties you wear? Cause Tom Brady's gonna be there. Do you, is that like a, is that a perverted thing to ask you? No, not at all actually. Okay, thanks, sounds really perverted.

Starting point is 01:03:32 No, it really, I think yeah, you kinda do think, you know what, if there's no chance I'm having sex, I really don't give a shit. Yeah. You know, and like no one's gonna see, I don't care. So I don't think, I think that I wanted them to be black in case they Something happened and they show but there was no chance of them showing my skirt wasn't as short as it may have looked If your vagina hair gets real long do women comb it or whatever?

Starting point is 01:03:53 I don't know mine never gets like that long enough to think about you probably try to tuck it up. I would think Yeah in into the underwear But no I but if yeah, I definitely think would definitely would, if I was like out and I was like, I'm gonna have sex and I didn't prepare for this and I was wearing like a bad thong, I would just wear, no, I would just take it off and throw it away because I'd rather be wearing none than like a disappointing pair,

Starting point is 01:04:16 even though I know most men don't even fucking care. Give it to a stray animal, huh? Give him a little treat, huh? Something to chew on, yeah. Hey, Bubbles, you wanna party a little tonight? Go get your rocks off, little pony. Did you, was there part of you that thinks I may have a chance with Tom?

Starting point is 01:04:30 I mean, you're an attractive lady, you're very funny. You actually look kinda like Giselle, you know? That's really nice of you, and people are gonna comment that Theo was on one when he said that, but I will say. He's on that dust. Exactly, well, I will say that I have a boyfriend so I was like no. But he would understand.

Starting point is 01:04:49 Yeah, he would. If you left him for Tom, yeah, who's not gonna understand him. I'm not gonna leave him for him, but if I banged Tom, like I think he'd probably be like, you gotta do it. Yeah, get in there. Like, but that wasn't in my, I really did not think that,

Starting point is 01:05:04 but yeah, I mean like, I will say that, but yeah, I mean, like, I will say that, you know, I've done these roles before and last time I was single and I like, did a bunch of jokes about wanting to fuck Blake Griffin because he was gonna be there and I would, I mean, I would, he's an attractive man, I was single, so I was like, I'll throw in jokes about that and just. See what happens. And it's a joke, you know,

Starting point is 01:05:19 like I don't really want, it's a joke, but yeah, was there a little bit of like, I would, maybe, like, try me. Like, I'm not like just gonna do, oh, oh, he'll fuck me in a joke, but yeah, was there a little bit of like, I would maybe, like try me. Like I'm not like just gonna do, oh, oh he'll fuck me in a bat. Like if he wants to and like he's charming, like it's a way to flirt. It's definitely a way to open the conversation.

Starting point is 01:05:33 Yeah. So yeah, oh my God. Okay, I can kinda see it. I mean, that's my goal. Like Gisele's the prettiest person that's ever lived. Very, very cute. So I could get to a 9.2. If I keep getting the right kind of work in doctors,

Starting point is 01:05:45 I could maybe get to looking like her half sister or something like that. Yeah, like Gizelle. Yeah, exactly. People are like, whoa, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry. I'm trying to think of another one.

Starting point is 01:06:06 Jizz, Zell, but like the way you pay people. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the ultimate hooker name, Jizz Zell. Zell. Yeah. Ah, that's great. That would've been a good rose joke, huh, maybe? That's good, that's good.

Starting point is 01:06:21 No, you've got it, you good fuckin'. I was thinking, your to run like next time I do a rose I'm just gonna be like can I just send pictures of the people and you just tell me the first thing that comes to your mind? Cuz you say you're the funniest you're one of the funniest people that's ever lived like you are me You would be amazing at roast jokes You're able to just like look at something and break it down in a way that yeah, you know, yes You do know I mean like you've just been maybe you don't know But the way your mind works and processes things is so fucking elite and cool and yeah whenever I'm feeling not funny

Starting point is 01:06:50 I'll watch Some of your like compilations and stuff of just how you talk and how you think and it gets my mind into a place Of like more being more creative. Oh sweet of you. I don't know if you ever feel that way like the people you're around Like make me funnier like I absorb it. Oh, I think that that's there's a lot of truth to that. It's funny cuz and thank this Sweet stuff you to say I think there was a time when I my brain was really good and something happened in my brain I think I might be getting a disease or something. No way No, you're sharp as ever. Oh, I don't know. I'll really feel it. I live in here You feel a dullness like I just feel like a lot of times

Starting point is 01:07:24 I'll my brain used to just give me like the craziest like best idea And it would even surprise me. Yeah, and now this motherfucker's just a fucking- you might be used to it though I don't know because I haven't sensed a dip off from just observing. You make me laugh That's what I was thinking today I it's like sometimes you sit in here and you have fun and this is one of those times Oh well making you laugh is a privilege, but I always just come in here. I'm like, I'm not even gonna try to be funny I just want to like laugh because it I I actually I'm on I'm on reddit a lot and people comedian subreddit Oh thinking of a

Starting point is 01:07:58 Like how many milligrams The more milligrams are reddit somebody's on the fucking worst they're doing, dude. No, I only do it at night after a long day. Like, I love Reddit, but they'll show me a lot of my friend comedians, and I kind of see their subreddits. And yours is like so beloved. And people like love you so much, and I've not participated in it, but I've like read through it. And like, sometimes I just go through and they'll be like, what's your favorite Theoism? And I'll just like read them it's

Starting point is 01:08:25 you're brilliant I don't mean to fan out but I'm just saying like when I came in here I'm like oh I'm just gonna like laugh the whole time that's what it is you and Tim Dillon that episode fuck it I've listened to it a couple times. How funny was that? He's so... You both. No he is. But he's next I mean he's next level you guys are on's next level. You guys are on the same level in terms of- I saw him at a dessert place or whatever, a dessert banquet, it might've even been like a, like a dog show, but for desserts, you know? Okay. And it was like a,

Starting point is 01:08:56 and he was there, I think he was a judge or whatever. I have no idea what the fuck that means. But he was like, man, we did something that day, didn't we? Dude, did you ever? I've talked to him about it so often. And I just talked to someone recently who was like, man, we did something that day, didn't we? Dude, did you ever. I've talked to him about it so often. And I just talked to someone recently who was like Theo and Tim and we were quoting pieces of it where you guys were talking about those Uber Eats drivers,

Starting point is 01:09:16 the DoorDash guys. DoorDash, yeah. You had some great lines in that. Like you guys, you both were just on fire. It was so fun. Oh my God, that was such a great episode. You guys need to get just on fire. It was so fun. Oh my god. That was such a great episode You thank you this is too often more often. This has been fun. I got to go do his show He's like let's let it simmer. Let's let you know we want more. You made a good steak

Starting point is 01:09:34 He's like just let it you know let's raise the calf no no no don't raise the calf because there's no amount that we as fans I'm a fan of both of yours in the same way, and I'm not like that with every comedian, like I'm not consuming their content, but you guys, I would be like, the way, I would be like refreshing, when is this gonna be posted? I'd be so excited, it's my favorite. Yeah, he makes me laugh. Yeah, I've been lucky to have some neat conversations

Starting point is 01:10:02 with people and yeah, and it's a good way too to get to know people and then this is what I start to realize Nicky It's like the most time you get to spend sometimes in a real conversation with some of the comedians is through podcasting This is our hang right said the thing of like did comedians did comedians have friendships before podcasting like what did they do? Like yeah, this this is how I get to know people. This is how this is the most we've hung out We've gone to like dinners before and stuff, but like these are where we have conversations that we would never have even at dinner maybe

Starting point is 01:10:31 of just like sitting and doing nothing else. We're not on our phones. When are you hanging with someone not on your phone? So yeah, this is how I love podcasting for the friendship that you get out of it sometimes. In the hang, it's great. Yeah, and to get to catch up and yeah, have some moments in someone's life.

Starting point is 01:10:45 Yeah. Do you jockey for position with the roasts on where you get to be in the order? I tried. You know, I said I want to go first. How does that work? You just like wait for them to tell you what the fuck is going on because there's no, like you don't know a lot. They're just like, here's who's going to be on.

Starting point is 01:11:01 And then you find out like, oh, that person dropped out a week ago. And I'm like, okay, well, I've been writing about them for like, can you tell me? Like it's kind of like and then you find out like oh that person dropped out a week ago? I'm like okay. Well. I've been writing about them for like can you tell me like it's kind of like who dropped out Mike Tyson And someone else I'll tell you off air, but yeah like there were manner woman I'm gonna ask three there were actually three men that dropped off two comedians Mike Tyson and then one celebrity Three comedians Mike Tyson two comedians two comedians And they were men yeah, and I don't even know if they were confirmed I maybe they were just names that were floated. I wish oh I cuz I

Starting point is 01:11:33 I'm friends with him enough to be like what don't drop out. What are you doing? This is great for you, you know, but no it wasn't it wasn't him And I don't don't tell us any aims cuz I can't lie and I'll make you cut it I can't think of other people. Oh good great I'm so glad your brain is doing exactly what you said it was doing Dang um Mike Tyson so he didn't want to do it or he just couldn't know is it could he could have had something that He had to go to I think at one point Gronk was supposed to miss it He was on it

Starting point is 01:12:04 And then they took him off because he had to go to a I think at one point Gronk was supposed to miss it. He was on it and then they took him off because he had to go to a wedding and then he decided to come back on. And I was like, thank God he made that roast so, like it wouldn't have been the same without him. So I'm so glad he decided to do it. The people that dropped out would have been great, but it wasn't like they weren't showstoppers

Starting point is 01:12:18 in terms of like what's gonna happen. They would have killed though. There's one in particular that I'm like, come on man, what are you doing? You should have done it. There's one in particular that I'm like, come on man, what are you doing? You should have done it. And I think he'd- Dave Attell probably. No, I wish.

Starting point is 01:12:29 He'd be amazing at it. I've never seen him do a roast though. I thought too. But yeah, I wanted to go first. Because that's where I've gone before. Oh, okay. Right after the host. Just open it up and then I'm done and I can relax

Starting point is 01:12:39 and just enjoy the night. I don't wanna sit there all night thinking about my set and I just wanna be done. I always wanna go first on shows. I just don't wanna wait around and think about being about my set and I just want to be done. I always want to go first on shows. I just don't want to wait around and think about being. That's how I am during sex, dude. You know, and people, yeah, girls don't understand it. See, I want them to go first.

Starting point is 01:12:54 And then, so I don't have to worry about pleasing you. Yeah, them's me, dude. Yes, yes, yes, exactly. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you're the same way. Yes, yes. I want to go first, dude. Get my work done.

Starting point is 01:13:02 And then I can relax and get my stuff done. Oh, I see what you're doing. Like, after I got you off, yes, yes. I wanna go first, dude. Get my work done, and then I can relax and get my stuff done. Oh, I see what you're doing. After I got you off, now I feel like I can just relax. If I'm, you know, if I, it's like when you massage someone and you're like, I'll massage you after this. I can't enjoy the massage, because I'm like, I have to massage this bitch after this. Oh yeah, dude.

Starting point is 01:13:19 So it's kinda like that. But I ended up, yeah, I asked for a first spot, but you just, I don't have any power. I was just like, I would like to really go first if there is a chance for me. And I'm the least famous person on the fucking thing. And they go, I think it would really behoove the show for me to go early. I've gone early in three different roles and it worked out, but I don't want to also be like, the last production company did it this way.

Starting point is 01:13:40 Right. Because they might go, well, then we're not doing it that way because we're doing things differently. What were the differences between the Comedy Central version and the Netflix version? You think, well then we're not doing it that way, because we're doing things differently. So you just kind of like- What were the differences between the Comedy Central version and the Netflix version? You think, well, the one was it was live. It was live. So that made it totally different.

Starting point is 01:13:52 Yeah, I think, I didn't think about this before, but after the fact, like, you can say any, like I never censored myself, but it would get bleeped, and bleeped things aren't as funny as just saying it. Sometimes they are, sometimes a bleep is funnier than the word. Right, but it was 100% live, like, no way. So scary.

Starting point is 01:14:09 I'm not kidding you. Oh, and I've said this before on other podcasts, so I'm sorry, I don't wanna repeat myself, but I think we'll get into something else with this, is that, dude, I had my set locked in. It's in the prompter. I just gave it right before we're going out. Last minute, I'm making changes to certain words, everything.

Starting point is 01:14:25 It's perfect. I submit it, I'm out there, and then Kevin Hart does one of the jokes in my set. And there's nothing I can do. There's no stop down, there's no commercials. And I'm just like, what do I do? And I just decided to tell it. Thankfully, our sets were separated enough

Starting point is 01:14:40 that I was like, people might forget that he said that, but that was like, there's just, there's just, and oh, this is another thing. Oh, I haven't said this before. were separated enough that I was like, people might forget that he said that, but that was like, there's just, there's just, and oh, this is another thing. Oh, I haven't said this before. Speaking of underwear, and I was gonna say this, and then I go, don't say this, but I think it's kind of funny.

Starting point is 01:14:54 Yeah, I think people need to know it. What is it? I like right before, my period ended like a day before the roast, and so I was like, I'm good. Like I was, took out the last one, like I don't know if you know how it works. How many do you do? Cause they're almost like cigarettes.

Starting point is 01:15:06 You don't do a whole pack, do you? Sometimes like if you're really like, Oh my god. Yeah. Oh, you can go through, not in a day. It's in a day, it's about three or three, two to four in a day. Four on a very heavy day. And maybe some girls are fives and some days,

Starting point is 01:15:20 maybe your girl is a one if you're- No way. Yeah. I thought there was just one and then a couple of days later you take it out no way really yeah Yeah, it's three or four day. We all thought that really well this is three or four and I wouldn't expect you to know that like It's like we're not talking about it. Yeah, you're gonna need the gum to quit, dude That's crazy. Yeah, what yeah, I was doing

Starting point is 01:15:42 Wow, but I like but yeah, there's something no I was doing menthols too. Oh, wow. No filter. Why doesn't Marlboro make a tampon? They probably should. With some nicotine in it. That's a way to absorb it. You can soak vodka and get high from doing that. So I was on my last one. At my age, your period will stop and it will start.

Starting point is 01:16:00 There's just this funky thing. It's like puttering out. It's like we don't know what's going on. So I and it'll start. And like, there's just those funky things. It's like puttering out. Like it's like, we don't know what's going on. So I thought it was done. And then I'm going to, for my right, to go to the bathroom right before we go on. I'm like, I'm just going to pee one last time. And like, it's back on.

Starting point is 01:16:17 More period? It's back on. It went from nothing for a day, nothing. I was done to it's enough that something needs to be like I can't just like wipe it and be like oh and There's no and I'm in the bathroom. I mean Foreign bathroom forum if the key of forum. I'm in the bathroom in the backstage So it's like in this like kind of party area

Starting point is 01:16:37 It's not a bathroom that has like women's products or anything So I just made a tampon with I just went like this and just shoved it up and corked it with some toilet paper, which any girl listening has done before. Really? Yeah, because you either make up, you go like this and you make a pad and you put the pad, like with a bunch of toilet paper, you make a pad, but I couldn't risk making a pad

Starting point is 01:16:56 because I was wearing a thong. It could have just slipped out and I'm wearing a dress and it falls out. This like bloody napkin would fall out. But I swear to God, I didn't tuck it that well. Later on after the roast, I went pee and I'm like, it was loose. It could have fallen out.

Starting point is 01:17:09 Can you imagine on live TV, if my napkin with blood on it, like toilet paper would have fall, like it's not like a nice look, it's like all crumpled up, fell out. Like what would I have done? Like that kind of thought goes through my mind. I'm like, that was so close to happening.

Starting point is 01:17:24 So close to happening so close to happening It's scarce like one of those hospital scenes in Dunkirk. Have you seen Dunkirk? No, but it's like a war movie Even if the cameras didn't catch it someone on the dais would have done something And then it would have been a thing and who would have done it. That's let's decide right now Well, Jeff Ross Jeff actually probably would have saved me and just seen it and covered it Jeff Ross Jeff actually probably would have saved me and just seen it and covered it up. He's like He would have said it was his Like guys put it in as a pocket square. Yeah. Yeah, he would have he would have had my back but um, yeah Oh, you could have said oh, I he could have been like, oh, I thought what's your name was on the day

Starting point is 01:18:00 It's the lady from that blood movie. Oh, oh, oh, the woman that talks like this. Yeah. Theranos, yeah, Elizabeth Holmes. Yeah, they could be like, oh, Elizabeth Holmes is here, guys. Oh yeah, that would have been good, that's good. But yeah, like, do you ever think about things like that? Like, oh my God, that could have gone so bad.

Starting point is 01:18:16 Do you have like, waves of excitement? Anytime I've done anything. And you're like, oh my God, I could have said that word, or what, like. Yeah, dude. It's live TV, the things I could have done. And I know what word it is, dude. And yeah, and you don't want to say it, dude.

Starting point is 01:18:32 You can say it in your car, but no man. But yeah, and you don't want to say it. And it's like, but yeah, it's like very scary. Like when they do, like we did good morning football or whatever. Yeah. And it was for the sec championship and it was live and I was like I Would never let me do live TV like that is don't even know what's gonna go You know, I just don't always know how I'm gonna be if something gets me so scary. You did. How did it go?

Starting point is 01:18:56 I'm guessing it was great. It was great. Oh my god. That's so Scary is that Pat McAfee? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I love him. He crushed it. He's so great It was it was really fun, but it was just I never realized what it's like being live and like and go Yeah, like what? Yeah, but you've done like morning TV and like local markets That's the closest we get to doing something like this because that's live This is pretty live and you can take some stuff out But yeah, this feels live and I like even that last thing I'm like, oh my god If someone out of context just hears me go say slave as that was a callback if you're joining the show late

Starting point is 01:19:29 And yeah missed it also if you start listening to a podcast in the middle at like 47 minutes They're not listening the beginning because they get like a package delivered or something and they miss that whole bit and then they keep listening And that that's the only thing well, if you don't know about slavery in America, dude, then that's your loss. If slavery even happened. Jesus Christ. I'm just saying they never found the boats. See what they bring up some of the boats. Bring up the Marina.

Starting point is 01:19:58 The Marina? Bring up the Marina in Charleston. Oh my God. This is not funny. Marina. He's looking for it. Bring up the Marina in Charleston. Oh my god. This is not funny. Marina... Is looking for it. Hahaha! Um...

Starting point is 01:20:09 Where did the Amistad dock is what you want to know? Oh, I love that movie. I haven't seen it. It's so good, man. Did you want Hontsu? He's so good. Give us free! He's good in it.

Starting point is 01:20:20 They should do, um... They should remake that and be like, where are they now? You know? Right. Tony Hinchcliffe's so good. Let's talk about that for a second. Dude, he was so good.

Starting point is 01:20:34 Well, first of all, there's nobody, and I say this out of sheer admiration, I talk about his show all the time. Kill Tony gets 100,000 people watching it live when it goes on. Wow. On YouTube at the same time. I get Kill Tony gets one hundred thousand people watching it live. Wow. On YouTube at the same time. I get it. It's so good. He was he was a rock star that

Starting point is 01:20:50 I remember. Just I was like front row for it. And he's walking by me roasting and just like his the steadiness of his pace. Plus just looking like just going nice shoes. Tom, did you get those in the

Starting point is 01:21:01 divorce? Like just boo. But like just so smooth, so confident. Who is this guy? Perfect way to get into it too, did you get those in the divorce? Like just boob-a-da-boob, like just so smooth, so confident, who is this guy? Perfect way to get into it too, because it starts out in the crowd and you're just like, who's this guy doing a crowd bit that's like not the same as what we're doing up here? Dana White does this thing, Tony's like sitting there,

Starting point is 01:21:16 and then, you know, people know who he is, obviously, but at that event, maybe not as much, but he owned that fucking room within seconds. And it just starts out slow, you know, it's like good joke here, oh, this guy knows how to write a joke. That one was fucking good too. And then the crescendo of like,

Starting point is 01:21:32 as soon as he gets to the comedians and starts going down the line at us, I've really felt like I was watching a rock star. Like it felt like a musical performance to me. I told him that I'm like, it was rock star levels of good, like just walking while roasting. And he told me like he like, it was rock star levels of good. Like just walking while roasting. And he told me like he almost, he was delivering the last one about the, I forget.

Starting point is 01:21:50 Rodney King? Yes, the King one. That was just a perfect, lyrically perfect joke. He said he almost fell off the stage. He felt his shoe, like he had one of those moments of, what if I would have fallen during that? Like it would have ruined, I mean, that would have been the worst thing ever,

Starting point is 01:22:04 but that almost happened. Like, but he, he fucking killed. He's, yeah, I saw him the other night and we both know what we're each other going through this week of like people knew of us before on a big level that I would have never expected before my career, but it's like next level now. And we're both like, you're feeling this too?

Starting point is 01:22:22 Like it's a big deal for, yeah, it's really cool. So this is the, do you feel like this is kind of like a new level in your career? Yes. Let's go dude. Dude, it's, I'm not being modest about it because it's just undeniable. Like I don't, I don't get recognized this much. I don't like have people, I've got, I don't have people saying, I heard someone talking about you and they don't even know I know you. That's happened a hundred times. This is a cultural event.

Starting point is 01:22:49 I didn't know it was gonna... It's really bigger than anything I could ever have done in my career. It will never be a bigger moment in my career than this, even if I become way bigger. Nothing this like big. You look a little bit like Kylie Minogue. People tell you that?

Starting point is 01:23:04 No, thank you. What's that? What was the song she sang? A lot of down-stern people listen to her. Oh, your boy is all I think about. I just can't get you out of my head. Yeah, thank you. Yeah. Oh yeah, I see it. Very pretty. Thank you. Um, yeah, I, uh, there's just, there was something about this. And I think also just that it's the Tom Brady effect too. I think Tom Brady was always kept so from the public in a lot of ways. Like he was around, but he was always a, um, you know, he was always seemed like a safe guy, you know, a family man, you know,

Starting point is 01:23:43 who tried probably as hard as he could to keep it together Tried to keep things on his own terms. Yeah, and even then it's just blew it open Yeah, and this just blew it up. I'm curious to see what it'll be like now After the show, what's it like when it ends? Are there like? Like I cannot go look him in the face right now. There's some people I can't see I was like I don't need to say anything to him like he doesn't need to hear from me again Like everyone's gonna run up to him like we already I already go look him in the face right now. There's some people I can't see. Yeah, I was like, I don't need to say anything to him. Like, he doesn't need to hear from me again. Like, everyone's gonna run up to him.

Starting point is 01:24:07 Like, I already hugged him afterwards. He was very nice. Like, I don't need to bug him. But if I run into him, great. But I just went and found my parents. They were there, so I was just meandered off the stage and went and talked to my parents. You didn't DM him or anything?

Starting point is 01:24:19 No, I saw him on the way out. I was walking back to my dressing room and he was leaving. And I just said, Tom, thank you so much. Like real quick, cause I really don't wanna bug him. I wrote my number in blood. At that point I like knew we're not gonna be friends. Like there is a vibe that you could feel. Like with Alec Baldwin at his roast, I was like,

Starting point is 01:24:36 I became friends with him after that, like, or friendly. He knows who I am. He really, he was endeared to me. But Tom, I could just tell was like, this is a one and done. Like I wasn't trying to fuck him, but like there's not gonna be other, he's endeared to me, but Tom I could just tell was like this is a one-and-done like I wasn't trying to fuck Him but like there's not gonna be other he's not gonna be like oh you should come to my parties or something right? So I said thank you, and he said thank you so much. You did great. Good luck with everything which is kind of like You'll never talk to me again. Well. Yeah, have a nice life. We never have to see each other

Starting point is 01:25:00 Yeah, and I understand it like that's how I feel too probably in his shoes We never have to see each other. Yeah, and I understand it. Like, that's how I feel too, probably, in his shoes. But yeah, that was it. But afterwards, it's just like, you know. Was there a big party after? Yeah, there's a party. Was it fun?

Starting point is 01:25:11 Exactly, at the Forum Club. Yeah, it was fun. My parents were there, so I was kind of like, hanging with them, and it was just starting to feel like a little overwhelming of something big just happened in my life. And so it was starting to feel a little bit anxiety about, I was trying to process like, was that good?

Starting point is 01:25:28 Did I go too hard? What did it look like? I don't know anything. So it was, I just kind of wanted to get out there and I had to be on Howard Stern at three in the morning. I had to go get up for hair and makeup. So it was like finished at 10. It was in New York or oh, it was LA.

Starting point is 01:25:41 LA, but I had to be up. But Stern tape's out here, you had to fly over there. I did a remote from here, but I had to be up for hair and makeup at 3 in the morning. I was like, can I just like stay in this? But I had to do a new look because that's the way it works. But um, yeah, so I was kind of like what's next? And then I had Jimmy Kimmel the next day. So you just go into like, well, I have now I have to like keep doing this again and again and killing this hard and being this prepared, which is just impossible because I don't have... Because I think, well, the bet... You don't have to do...

Starting point is 01:26:06 continually do more, because, yeah, you could burn yourself out. It's unrealistic. You know, I'm just trying to think of how we... everybody can kind of relate to that when something kind of goes good or it seems like you level up in some way. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:26:20 How to manage that. Or is there anything really to manage at all? And part of that is just a mirage What's like getting a new car and you think it's gonna stay new forever? There's a delusion that you have of like I can just keep it this new forever. It'll smell this way Yeah, the leather will look this shiny like and it just doesn't you can't like you can with a lot of hard work But you just aren't gonna do that. Most people don't keep new cars looking good I think that's how I would relate it to people

Starting point is 01:26:45 who don't maybe have the way I feel about a new car. I'm like, okay, this is who I am now. I'm this new car lady. And I feel so much better about myself being in this new car. I can maintain this and you just, you can, you definitely can. You can keep a car looking new.

Starting point is 01:27:00 But two days later, you're smoking menthols in it. You're like, I'll just have one cigarette and I won't ever do this regularly. I'll keep my hand way out when I smoke and then you're fucking eating it. But then an ash goes, burns the seat, and then it's game over. You're eating M&Ms in it, you're yelling queers out the window of it.

Starting point is 01:27:13 Yeah, I'm putting on makeup, bronzers going everywhere. Yeah, you're yelling queer out the window. Well, sorry, yeah, but you were in Clifton, New Jersey. Yeah, it's lovingly. It's not like you're just anywhere. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and that is what the queer people like to be called queer, New Jersey. Yeah. It's not like you're just anywhere. It's lovingly. Yeah. And that is what the queer people like to be called queer. That they are queer.

Starting point is 01:27:29 I mean. It's a term they embrace. Yeah, beautiful queers a lot of times who yell. Yeah, I don't know that even though they embrace the term, they don't want to shout it out loud. But maybe. Nah, you gotta get out more. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:27:46 Who was missing on the dais up there who was missing on the roast were there any roasters you like Who's your Mount roast more? Geraldo you know like obviously he that feels like he's missing from there someone who's just like Speaking from like the heart and a very personal place And I try to like you know I watched a lot of Geraldo to prepare for this of like what is my actual? speaking from the heart and a very personal place. And I tried to, I watched a lot of Geraldo to prepare for this, of what is my actual take on these people?

Starting point is 01:28:10 I think we always remember Geraldo at the roast, some, it was later the cable guy, and he just at one point just breaks and is like, why are you so famous? He just can't take it, it seems like it's not part of the set, I don't think it was. And that is a moment that I really liked and was like, okay, I'd like to recreate that.

Starting point is 01:28:27 Like, how do I actually feel about this person? What's my personal frustration with them? I'm trying to think who else you miss. Like Alisa Lampanelli, who's more of like a, just boom, boom, boom, and like can say some really sick, twisted, racist, sexist, homophobic shit and get away with it. Like just a sharpshooter like that.

Starting point is 01:28:45 I can't believe she wasn't there. She quit comedy. Oh, she quit? She doesn't do standup anymore. She was like, it's too mean, it's not who I am anymore. And she was like the queen of mean. That was literally her moniker. And like, going to a Lisa Lambele show early in my career,

Starting point is 01:28:58 there was no one better. Yeah, she called me out one time in the audience. Yeah, I wasn't even a comedian yet. And she made fun of me. I was just sitting in like the back corner. So you've seen, you've witnessed it. She was amazing. And she was just like, Yeah, I wasn't even a comedian yet. And she made fun of me. I was just sitting in the back corner. So you've seen, you've witnessed it. She was amazing. And she was just like, no, I don't wanna do this anymore.

Starting point is 01:29:09 She does self-help stuff. She still performs. Well, she lost all that weight. I wonder if that changed some of her mindset in her life. Probably, yeah. She quit insult comedy. And now she just does weight loss seminars and stuff. Oh, good for her.

Starting point is 01:29:23 So she just wants to help people. Wow. Which is something I could see either both you and me getting into, of just empowering people. You know, you watch these TED Talks and these TikToks of people just telling people how to live a better life and I'm like, oh, I could see myself veering into that. Being a life coach or something like that?

Starting point is 01:29:40 Yeah, being inspirational. Maybe not a life coach, but yeah, just teaching people how to like themselves more. Not necessarily being good at it myself But seeing how other people could and seeing just knowing the tools to get there not that I'm necessarily picking up those tools Right, but sometimes people can see things easily in somebody else even if they can't see it in themselves or or adjust that for themselves It doesn't mean that they're not still a good Like you could be a good painter, but you may not know your own colors or whatever

Starting point is 01:30:06 You know I used to when as a kid I remember watching gymnastics coaches like yell at the gym these little girls like you're doing it wrong You carry strong you like Bella Corolla, and I'd be like you get up on that fucking beam you asshole Yeah, he can't do any of that shit, but he's good at coaching So it's just like it's that that's the kind of thing and I don't even feel like um My therapist needs I don't need my therapist to have like a great full perfect life that I want I feel like they can they're you know, I don't need my therapist to have a round off back handspring either Yeah, they don't

Starting point is 01:30:36 Exactly. Yeah, I don't need I don't need them to be perfect. I think you can dish it out without really doing it yourself It's hard. Yeah yourself., being alive's tricky, dude. Some people have wieners. Some people have vaginas. Yeah, some people have both. Some people have both now, imagine that. I don't think now, I don't think it's just getting built. That's an interesting thing.

Starting point is 01:30:56 I haven't heard about gender reassignment where they wanna become a hermaphrodite. Where they're like, I want both. Don't get rid of my vagina. Let's just add on a dick next to it. Well, how many people are born, are more people born, can you be born trans? Yes. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:31:10 So you're born with both genitalia. No, no, no, no. Trans don't have both genitalia. People post-op trans have what they wanted. They got rid of the last one, the penis has turned into a vagina, vagina's turned into a penis, but you're born trans. And then you can be, I don't know the exact terminology, but yeah. Yeah,

Starting point is 01:31:28 intersex are born with both sex characteristics. 1.7% of the population are born with intersex traits, but not gentilia. Jesus. Yeah, that checks out. So, what does that mean? People are born with both? People are born with both. 1.7%? what no they said traits That means like maybe like more like four right okay bigger Big hips or something yeah longer lashes. Oh dang So good on men yeah lashes Martin you have long lashes Martin. Yeah, so what about when women learn to? What about when women learn to um

Starting point is 01:32:12 Masturbate when does that kind of happen for women because guys talk about it a lot like you know I'm in these meetings and people are always talking about it. I'm like when do women learn about it? I was so mad at my friends because all of my friends in high school were doing it some in middle school Didn't tell you even earlier. We didn't talk about it. We talked about everything. They didn't tell me about it, so I didn't know about it. What were you doing, just reading or whatever? I didn't even do that. I would never, I was not, I was definitely horny in high school.

Starting point is 01:32:34 It started late for me, but it happened. And I didn't know what to do with it. I would like, you know, if I had an itch down there, I'd itch it and it'd be like, oh, that kind of feels good, but I would never follow through. And it wasn't because I was like, I'm, God's watching. I just didn't know what to do. I would never have, I know like penises go in you

Starting point is 01:32:50 at some point, but I would never think to put something in me, I was not sexually driven in that way. But all my friends figured out on their own. We were all doing, they were all doing it individually, not talking about it with each other and not talking about it with me either. I would have a hundred percent done it. But once I found out it was a thing, I started doing it.

Starting point is 01:33:05 Once it became, I was an adult, but that was the only way. I had to have information first. Does it add wear and tear, I feel like, to the vagina over the long term? Yeah, I mean, the way I do it does. Really? Just not wear and tear, but like, you know, people, this is not good.

Starting point is 01:33:22 People always think all I do is talk about sex, but I just, I feel comfortable talking about it openly. I think it is interesting. I use like the Hitachi Wand. Oh my God, is that a real, like, is this like a DeWalt or whatever? You can look it up, Hitachi Wand. You've seen it before.

Starting point is 01:33:35 It's like the classic, it's like in porn. It's like a back massager looking thing. It's like, looks like almost a big white mic. Oh, that thing can beat an egg, huh? That thing is. Oh, it's crazy. It's crazy. And so I put that in the front. You know, you don't put it in you. You can't, I guess. But that's, I pretty much always use that.

Starting point is 01:33:52 And that, because it's, the vibrations, like, will make things sometimes swell, I guess. So I can get kind of swollen down there if I go too hard. But that's what I mean by beat up. It's not like it's like, it leaves permanent damage or something. But yeah, you've seen those before right? Yeah, I've seen something like that I think also uh, you should they're amazing. Everyone should have one water pick makes that too. Don't they what's a water pick would? Be too intense, but I'm sure that that would work If I was on the road and didn't have anything and I was really horny, I absolutely would probably try a water pick. DQ presents How to officially start your summer.

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Starting point is 01:34:58 Just, I would really recommend blowing people instead of having sex with them, because you can't get pregnant. And like, I know sometimes having sex as a woman, you go, that's less scary, because women are scared of being judged after sex. Like, when you're young especially, like a guy's gonna think I'm bad at sucking dick,

Starting point is 01:35:15 and so you avoid it. That's what I did. And so I would have sex before I gave a blowjob, because I just wanted to do the thing that I- And what do you mean by dick? You're talking about winging her. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and I thought that I would be judged. And so I had so much more sex than I should have, because I was just you to think that I- And what do you mean by dick? You're talking about winging her. Yeah. Yeah. And I thought that I would be judged.

Starting point is 01:35:25 And so I had so much more sex than I should have because I was just avoiding doing this thing that I thought was high risk. But really the high risk was almost getting pregnant. Yeah. You should have been blowing people, definitely. Yeah, definitely. I would definitely- If you could go back in time.

Starting point is 01:35:38 I would teach my daughter about blow jobs and say, this is how you do it if you're interested in boys. Teacher? Yeah, I would. What age? If my daughter was starting to be sexually active when I just sensed like she's dressing in a way that she's like boys are liking her and hanging out with boys I'd be like listen listen in a slipknot or whatever but like if you want to get

Starting point is 01:35:54 if you I don't think you should but I would recommend a handjob here's here do that and I'm not gonna teach you how but like do your research handjobs are where it's at well in native what they want anyway. In Native American cultures, a lot of the older sibling will go out into the woods and teach the younger sibling how to masturbate. So there's not as much shame with it because then it's like something you like, you learn. You're like, oh, this is, yeah, I do it like my brother did it.

Starting point is 01:36:18 He did it like my grandfather did it. Like we've all, this is how we do it, you know? And it's so it's like, you at least can have your own, not style of it, but it's like, then it's not something that's taboo, cause I remember, yeah, I remember jerking off or whatever. And then just being like, oh my God, dude, I'm so, God hates me.

Starting point is 01:36:39 People think I'm, everybody knows I remember thinking, even though nobody knew, I thought everybody knew that I'd been jerking off, because the way I was moving or something. And I'd be like, damn, I'm walking, I've been jerking off, you know? And so I think I was always paranoid,

Starting point is 01:36:54 and if people would be like, hey, what's going on? And I'd be like, you know, I've been jerking off. Oh my God, the shame that people carry with them for so long, so much shame that just stays with you even after you kind of are like, oh, it's not that bad. It's like you can't erase it. Speaking of that, um, What else did I just see in the news? Oh, the Boy Scouts are changing their name. Did you see that, Nick? To the Scouts or something?

Starting point is 01:37:20 There we go, Boy Scouts of America changing name to more inclusive, scouting America after years of woes. Are the years of woes about the gender thing or just that they were molesting boys non-stop and they just want to get boys out of the title to make people not think about boys? Is this like a woke thing of like boys and or is this is about molestation and wanting to get away from that? There's no doubt the Catholic Church will pick the name up immediately probably They should just call it the Boy Scouts of America Roman Catholic Church of America now said after a hundred and fourteen years that it will change its name and will become scouting America great in an effort to emphasize

Starting point is 01:38:02 will change its name and will become Scouting America in an effort to emphasize inclusion. So it is about inclusion. As it works to move past the turmoil of bankruptcy and a flood of sexual abuse crimes. Yeah, so it's both. I really think it's both. Boy Scouts is just, it's a... Yeah, they've just, yeah, after-

Starting point is 01:38:17 They're so associated with dittling boys that it's like, let's get away from that name. We're a punchline. They are. So Scouting America, I like it. I think it's a good move The crazy thing is nobody apparently can hang out with a bunch of boys without molesting one of them Well, it's just that people who are pedophiles Find ways to hang out with boys. So that's a job that a pedophile would get into dude

Starting point is 01:38:39 We had this guy Richard Langenstein, right and he is He's DEAD now, but he had an autographed Shaquille O'Neal shoe Richard Langenstein, right? And he is, he's D-E-A-D now. But he had an autographed Shaquille O'Neal shoe, like a big shoe, and he would always use that to entice boys in. And then try and pervert him or get him to, you know, just be perverted or whatever. Who is this, you had a guy.

Starting point is 01:39:02 What does that mean, you had a guy? At first I thought you were like, we had a guest on the show. And so then we never had. No, as a child in our town. In our town, yeah. A school teacher. Yeah, they have an inn.

Starting point is 01:39:11 Yeah. It's not crazy. Come look at this big sneaker, you know? And you'd be over there and then he would order a couple of. They have like video games. Filet steaks or whatever. Baked potatoes and shit.

Starting point is 01:39:23 Yeah, they have their shifty ways. Yeah. They have to reel you in. It's like the guy, the classic one is just like a man in a van with candy, but it's like, they find another way of like having kid stuff. Arcade games, signed shoes, like any of that shit, like look out. If the guy in your son's life has a lot of memorabilia that 14, you know, 12, 11, 12 year old boys enjoy, it's not because he's just in touch with his, you know, 12, 11, 12 year old boys enjoy.

Starting point is 01:39:46 It's not because he's just in touch with his, you know, boyhood side. That could be it, but if he's interested in your son coming over to hang out, that I would say 90% chance that person's trying to fuck your son. Yeah, and parents would be like, yeah, go ahead, he's a nice guy, he's a teacher. Yeah!

Starting point is 01:40:01 And at first I'd go over there with my girlfriend, you know, and we would just be like, nice people over there And then he kept having my buddies come over and he would we would all get stoned with him He used to smoke a lot of dough and then he would like Oh, he would say things that was real perverted, you know testing. It's like they just have they they have They all follow the same playbook It's pretty like evident when you start paying attention and know about it.

Starting point is 01:40:25 And my buddy put lotion on his back one time because he had like, what's it called when your skin kind of comes off a little? Psoriasis. Psoriasis. Eczema, yeah. Yeah. That's, I mean.

Starting point is 01:40:35 And my buddy Nathan put lotion on his back. And he was short too, so we had to even reach up to do it, which was fucking gay as hell. Oh God. And- Poor Nathan. But one time we were in the kitchen, I've told this story before, and my buddy Scott was in the living room

Starting point is 01:40:51 and Big Richard had ordered us a couple of filet steaks. Of course. And we'd never even had steaks, dude. So we were fucking losing our minds, dude. The parsley was in there, we were like, what the fuck, you know? And, um,. We're like, what the fuck? Wow, yum. And my buddy Scott, I was like, he goes, hey, can you get me some sour cream?

Starting point is 01:41:11 He just yelled from the living room, and I was in the kitchen. Ugh. And I said, no, but you can have some of this sweet cream. I was just joking about semen. Yeah, I bet Richard liked that. And then you heard Richard go, can I have some? And all of our heads, you could feel like a,

Starting point is 01:41:27 like a secondhand tit to the next, in all of our heads. And we're like, we, somebody's getting molested. Not it. None of us are getting out of here. Not it. Yeah, not it. We'll finish the steak first, but I'm out.

Starting point is 01:41:43 It just breaks my heart that that's the kind of thing. It's happening right now hundreds, thousands of places is that kind of like grooming as they say. Which is just disgusting. But that's why you got to talk about it so people that have kids can be on alert for the stuff. Because you're not a bad parent if you miss it. I think some because these guys are so fucking sneaky. Right, but if you don't talk about it with your kid, yeah. You have to talk. If I had kids I would tell if anyone

Starting point is 01:42:07 Ever the big thing I think parents need to know from what I've learned about Pedophiles and how they operate is that they do what they do then they tell the kid if you tell anyone your parents will hate You forever and they'll or I'll kill your parents like you lose your parents in some way And they believe them because they've already had the secret thing that's going on with this guy you Just need to tell your kids if anyone ever says they can kill mommy or kill daddy or that we won't love you Just know they're lying like cement that in your kids head that no matter who it is No one can kill mommy and I'm maybe that's a bad thing to tell right but no it's not you got to put that kind Of stuff because yeah, that's what they know anything

Starting point is 01:42:42 That was a problem against the kids and that will keep a kid from telling even the most Appearances us tell mommy if someone touches you in your bathing suit area That's not enough you need to say if someone tells you that I will not love you or that I will Someday will kill me if you tell me it's not true right that's what you got to do I think yeah No, I think you gotta you got a people have to communicate to the parents to their to their children about everything like yeah Like if your kids aren't getting along if they don't love each other like you got to teach parents, to their children about everything. Like, if your kids aren't getting along, if they don't love each other, like you got to teach them how to love each other.

Starting point is 01:43:08 Like there's so many things I think some parents maybe just think the kids know automatically that it's just maybe because they weren't instructed, you know? But it's like, I think there can be more instruction out there. And I don't have any children, so I'm not judging. I'm just saying. You want to be a dad, right? Yeah, I would like to be a dad, you know? Oh, my God, you'd be so great. Your kid would be so lucky. But my frickin wife is gonna be there and that's gonna be the tough part. That's the bummer.

Starting point is 01:43:32 She'll be, she'll be good too. You'll pick someone good. She'll be good. Yeah, she'll be great. You're not gonna fuck that up. And if she isn't, I don't know what happened to her officer. I'm joking. That's my future wife might be hearing this. I'm looking forward to loving you. I don't know you yet, but I'm looking forward to loving you or maybe I do know you. That's so sweet. That kind of shit like really gets me when it's like, oh, like you talk to your future, whatever, or I think that's so cute because she will see this. Yeah, she might. Yeah, well, even after you're married, she'll find someone will send her this clip or something. Oh, yeah, that's sweet Oh, yeah, it's nice. Yeah, babe. Yeah manifest it. Yeah, hey We're just watching the game and that's all we're doing we're not up to no good, you know back off the coke

Starting point is 01:44:24 Second things to my future wife. What else is going on? Anything else in the news? Did you see that Peter Griffin that they found on TikTok? You see that guy? No, I'm not on TikTok, are you? Real life Peter Griffin.

Starting point is 01:44:41 Oh wow. Yeah, this is- Did you ever believe that you would be a big success? Honestly, I just dressed like Peter Griffin. Oh wow. Did you ever believe that you would be a big success? Honestly, I just dressed like Peter Griffin in the Comic Con like 11 years ago with my friends and decided to have fun and then it turned into this whole career thing. He talks his own language.

Starting point is 01:44:56 And I got a family guy. I didn't believe people at first. I was like, they did not shout me out on Family Guy and then people were sending me the clips. I'm like, oh, we should, they really did? So it's been quite a trip. I enjoy it tremendously I like making people laugh and making them happy and that kind of stuff. So My buddy Danny looks like the wife what's her name?

Starting point is 01:45:23 Lois Lo? Lois. Lois. Lois Griffin. Yeah, my buddy Danny. Wait, your buddy Danny looks like her? Yeah, and I'll put a side by side. If Danny allows me to ask him after we tape and ask him to see if I can put it in. And he took us fishing once in Illinois up there

Starting point is 01:45:38 in Stark County, Illinois. They got a beautiful male Lois Griffin look-alike. This is insane. That guy, yeah, he does a good job. Yeah, what about you have your new special is out. Yeah, HBO, Someday You'll Die is the name of it. What a great time for all the extra hype then, right? Dude, it all just timed out perfectly.

Starting point is 01:46:00 What are the freaking odds of that? I just am really lucky. Sometimes you just go, man, I lucked out out and there's been a lot of times I'm not lucky in this business and it could have kept going like that but it was yeah it just was great so it's a little bit of pressure of being like well my stand up is not roast. Right. Like that's tight like refined and my stand-up is a little bit more it's different and so I'm like I hope people don't expect that and but it's I love it and it's beautiful looking

Starting point is 01:46:27 and I worked really hard on it and I wrote a song. I wrote my first song. I have a single out right now. Dude, I know. And here's the thing is like, I would never bring it up if I thought at all it wasn't good, but it's like one of the things I'm most proud of in my whole life I've ever done.

Starting point is 01:46:40 I wrote my first song and it's like, I'm not kidding you, it's a hit. Really? Yeah, my voice, like I'm gonna get better at singing but my songwriting is fucking I feel really proud of it It's like a pop song that I like can we listen to it? Yeah Honestly, I would love for you to I would and I would never in a million years watch a stand-up clip with you of mine Yeah, do you know I mean? Oh, yeah play it hit it Well, it's first time when it's yeah last time I went to my buddy Walker Buehler's house and he's a pitcher.

Starting point is 01:47:06 He was on, he was a previous guest on here. He's a Dodgers pitcher and his wife, Mackenzie, they just had a new baby. Bring up that baby, this baby is so cute. If you can find a pitcher. But I was over there and she was saying that they saw you on the roast and then that she went and watched your special and really enjoyed it.

Starting point is 01:47:22 Oh really? Oh nice. So just so you're getting like some immediate feedback. Thank you, no that feels so good. Oh she's so cute. Oh congrats to them. Oh yeah dude, it was cool. Oh they're so happy. That's so exciting. They really were. She's perfect.

Starting point is 01:47:34 It was cool to see. Yes she's even cuter now. She looks a little bit like George Costanza right there. No shade, he's beautiful. No, he's amazing. But she's a little older now. But anyway, that was one of the highlights of my week was getting to go see their kiddo. But they mentioned that they saw your special. Okay, good.

Starting point is 01:47:54 No, I love it. It's just, you know, you just like, all eyes on you. You just are like, I gotta keep this up. People are saying I'm fantastic. If I even drop the ball a little bit, people will be like, no, she's actually not. And then I'm scared it's gonna go away. But I'm not embracing it too, I'm like not letting it in that much because I'm scared it's gonna go away.

Starting point is 01:48:10 You ever do that? Yeah, well, I think there's like, if things are going good, there's a level of also just being in a place where it's like, okay, I don't have to slam, I don't have, things are already, I'm already going downhill. So if I add acceleration, then that's when things get scary. I'm already at increasing speed.

Starting point is 01:48:29 That's what I mean. So if you add like, but people are like, you have to throw gas on the fire while it's going, but I don't know if I always believe that. You know? This is it. So this is a real song. Dude, okay.

Starting point is 01:48:42 So the reason it even got made is like, I've been, during COVID COVID I learned how to play guitar and I started singing and I was like, I would like to like be able to like play at a coffee shop, just like with a wig on or something. If I was famous enough that people would go, that's Nikki Glaser, but generally I was like, oh, I could probably just do this

Starting point is 01:48:56 under a different name or something. Like this wigger. Just like literally coffee, yeah, just a coffee shop because my dad plays locally at grocery stores and restaurants and bars and grills. Was your dad an astronaut? No, he was in the cable business, but close. And so he, but he plays music now

Starting point is 01:49:12 and he's a really good musician. So that's all I aspired to was like, I'll just do that. But then when I was making my special and editing it, we were like, what music do you want to use over the credits? And I was like, I gave a bunch of songs because I care about the credits. Like I like that song to like hit at the end.

Starting point is 01:49:25 So I had a bunch of ideas, but they were like $30,000 a piece and we were over budget. So it would have come out of my money, which I would have paid if it was like, but I was like, no, I'll just, what if I wrote a song? And you know, my producing team was like, you can. And I was like, oh, okay.

Starting point is 01:49:40 So I just hired a producer from Chicago to come down to St. Louis. I flew him down, put him up and he was a friend of a friend. And then I had my other buddy, Tim Convy, who's been in bands. We all got together. And then the night before, I was like, I wanna bring a song.

Starting point is 01:49:52 I don't want someone to write a song for me. Like, I wanna write it. And maybe it'll suck, and then I'll use their song. But I just wrote the song the night before we went into the studio. And then the next day, I was just like, I've never written a song in my life. Like, I've written like parody songs

Starting point is 01:50:05 to songs that have already been written. But like from coming up with the melody and everything, like it was, and I was like, oh, this is actually good. Like it was kind of like the way I felt the first time I did standup where I was like, I think I'm kind of good at this. Like I'm not great yet. No, but look, I think this is huge.

Starting point is 01:50:20 I have potential. Having some confidence in trying something new is huge, you know? Because I think everybody wants to try different things, you know? And even if it sucked, I'd still keep going. But I'm just like, I think I just got lucky. You know, it's the first set you have is always really good because you wouldn't keep doing it. And I think that's like, I'll write some real shitty songs.

Starting point is 01:50:38 But I think I wrote a really good song. Amen. Yeah, I want to hear it. I will listen to a second. Yeah, I want to get a DJ table, too. Because even if you're good at that, you're still dumb as fuck. What do you like, what's your like kind of extracurricular

Starting point is 01:50:49 that you wanna be really good at that maybe as people are like, no one needs that from you Theo. Like kind of like, you know, we like you for this. Stop trying this other thing. Is there any sport or? Sometimes I would think yoga. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:51:01 DJing. How often do you do yoga? Three times a week. Oh, that's a lot. So you're getting good. You've been doing it a while. I feel good, yeah. It feels pretty good when I do it.

Starting point is 01:51:13 What else? Maybe pickleball. Yeah. Artwork. Yeah, oh. And. You do a lot. Violin and sex, maybe. Wait, violin, really? You play violin? Yeah Violin and sex maybe.

Starting point is 01:51:25 Wait, violin really? You play violin? I just think it would be remarkable to be able, it would just shock the world. You should pick it up. Even if you're four years in, you will blow people's minds at how good you can be, just with a little bit of work.

Starting point is 01:51:38 Amazing. I could see it. Thank you. And what else? Oh, Harp is kind of gay, I think, but I would like to, I would be willing to date a woman that was a nurse or could play Harp. Okay.

Starting point is 01:51:54 Um, dude, I was on this ayahuasca one time, I was on this ayahuasca ceremony, and we're sitting in this room, and me and my buddy are dying laughing so hard. They like kicked us out of the ceremony because we were laughing so hard. Yeah. Really? they had they like kicked us out of the ceremony because we're laughing so hard Then somebody came up to us outside of this room It's like 3 a.m. In the middle of nowhere and like hey you guys are laughing too loud

Starting point is 01:52:12 You have to go back inside. I'm like Like now they're puking oh yeah, they're back in they're distracted, but we're sitting in this one room and We were like having like this winning this trance kind of like, or this meditation moment pretty deep. And this girl was playing a harp, was over in the corner, like she was, she'd come out and she had a harp and she was sitting there just playing it kind of.

Starting point is 01:52:39 And then at one point, this guy's like, hey, you can play that harp a little louder if you want to because she was playing real quietly It was a required environment and she goes who me and we're like Like, here's another fucking heart player out here. It was just weird. That's the dumbest story. But let's hear it. This is Nikki Glaser, Someday You'll Die. Yeah. Yeah Bro I lost control just from a score Why can't I look like that girl? Is she lonely? And that ya

Starting point is 01:54:08 What's all this for? Who's keeping score? I've wasted so much lifetime To be someone that I'm not I've done your meditation And I stay awake for a while That's good. Let's leave them. Let's let them let's go listen Let's make them go have to listen to the summer someday. You'll die dude. I could see that being Remixed dude by some DJs. Yes do it. You know what I'm talking about You got the equipment I well I'm wearing some stuff online

Starting point is 01:54:37 Yeah, people do something with that song do whatever you like. Yeah, but I don't have to cuz someday you'll die. It's like yeah. Oh Do whatever you want, like, yeah. But I don't have to, because someday you'll die. It's like, yeah. Yeah, it's like, that's what I kind of feel sometimes, is like, I have suicidal thoughts when I get depressed, and it soothes me, because I just, the idea of it, people go, oh, that's so sad, you think about killing yourself, I'm like, no, dude, I need to think about that,

Starting point is 01:55:00 because it relaxes me to be like, someday this will be over, it's okay, but then also, that's also the fear, is someday I'll die, holy fuck, you know, it's both. So I just, yeah, that's what my whole special's about, really. Really? Yeah, just like dealing with the fear of death while also really wanting it sometimes,

Starting point is 01:55:16 because it's just, life is too fucking hard. Well yeah, sometimes I think about how much sleep you get when you're able to die, and the rest. Yeah. It's like, you almost feel like, and the rest, it's like you almost feel like you know what I could sleep for about 80 years. So you wonder how long until God like sparks you back up or whatever. Yeah. You know or um. I think sometimes it's quick and then sometimes you just wait around for a minute because

Starting point is 01:55:38 you're not, I don't, I don't, who knows what happens but yeah sometimes it feels like death will be like oh god I have a vacation coming up. Yeah. Yeah, I think sometimes death's like, yeah, we got a good one here. Yeah, yeah. And then sometimes it's like, no, I don't wanna leave. It's both.

Starting point is 01:55:55 But I don't think it's the worst thing in the world to think about death and be soothed by it. Sometimes I used to feel like I was really, something wrong with me that I felt that, but it makes sense. It's like, it's just, I just wanna think about it. I'm not gonna do anything about it. I know I, it's just, I just wanna think about it. I'm not gonna do anything about it. I know I'll never kill myself,

Starting point is 01:56:07 but sometimes I think about it and it makes me feel like I have a little bit of control and that there is a way out if I want it. Even though I'm not gonna do it, just let me just fantasize sometimes. And it's not good for you, but I do go there and I'm not ashamed of it anymore, I guess. Well, I think thinking about that sort of stuff

Starting point is 01:56:22 is fascinating, you know? It's interesting because we've also determined everybody that has a thought that's not positive, that something is wrong with them. When people like some of the most morose writers and stuff of our time have thought about some of the most depraved and darkest things. If you look at like Nietzsche or Edgar Allan Poe, dude,

Starting point is 01:56:45 or the guy that wrote... Da Vinci Code. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Tuesdays with Morrie. Yeah. No, it's true. It's like, you gotta go there.

Starting point is 01:57:00 I know you think about it. Yeah, but sometimes I get scared to think about it, but it's really a brave thing to go think about too. Oh, I think your brain won't let you think about it. Yeah, it's but sometimes I get scared to think about it But it's really a brave thing to go think about too Oh, I think your brain won't let you think about it for longer than like there's some kind of statistic about longer than 90 seconds Or something because your brain just can't handle it That's pretty crazy. It is it's interesting. Yeah, and it sucks that we all have to do it That's what I don't like like sometimes I forget I have to die someday and I'll be just looking at a plain window letting my mom wonder and I'm like,

Starting point is 01:57:26 oh fuck, I have to die some shit. Fuck. Fuck, like it's almost like you forget, you're like, oh no, I gotta do that. Like it's just, it's like. Yeah, like I left the oven on. Yeah, I have to, yes, exactly that same feeling. Like I'm gonna miss this or I'm gonna miss this person.

Starting point is 01:57:41 I gotta get my passport updated, shit. Yeah. I gotta do that, remember to do that. Oh, I don't want to, but yeah. Or all the emails, or you left your shoes in the hallway, that'd be like the thought I'm having when I'm dying, like fuck dude, I left those fucking shoes in the hallway. What's the problem with that?

Starting point is 01:57:56 Well, they should be in the closet. What's gonna happen if they're not? I don't know, I just won't die the right way. Or like. OCD, okay, I get it. It won't go into time. I get it. I won't go into the filing cabinet of of the heavens the correct way like fuck

Starting point is 01:58:08 Do you fucking left the heat on? Well, I have that OCD thing too sometimes of like if this thing I don't do right then this other thing will go horribly and I had that right before the roast I was like trying to remember a lyric and I was like if you can't remember this lyric Like you know when your brain just makes it and you're like, yes better fucking remember this lyric and I couldn't, if you can't remember this lyric, you know when your brain just makes a rule and you're like, you better fucking remember this lyric, and I couldn't. I failed my little test, and I was like, okay, it's set in stone, I'm gonna fail the roast,

Starting point is 01:58:30 and let me just tell you, it didn't happen. So OCD, it's not always real. Like, because it was set in stone, God made that assignment for me to remember that lyric. I failed the test, therefore I was going to be punished, and my OCD was wrong. So that gave me, I was so happy when it went right, because I was like, okay, and my OC was wrong so that like that gave me a I Was so happy when it went right because I was like okay good that isn't real Yeah, that's not real all the time is not real all the time

Starting point is 01:58:52 I was a kid who'd be like I'd run and try to jump and touch a brand if like if you can't touch that branch You're a little yes, and then I would run and I would not be able to touch it and I'm like god You know yes, we do well I do it all the time still and it's not true um babies where are they huh Whitney did it not me wow not any tips I'll adopt if I want them and you need to have your baby fight her baby though that would be fun it's not gonna happen unless like I'll adopt a child that is the age that hers is so we can do a fair thing in the weight class. What brand are you gonna adopt?

Starting point is 01:59:28 Whatever's available. I'm kind of like, I would never go like, I want it to look like this. I'm the same way with dogs. Like, I'm not like, I want a rescue, but I want it to be a little white dog or whatever. I just take whatever they gave me. But of course you hope for like a cute kid.

Starting point is 01:59:41 Yeah. I want him to be a cute kid and smart and all. But I feel like, yeah, I don't know. I don't think it's for me unless I find someone who really wants to be a very hands-on father almost in a, like as present as a mom would be. Cause I really like to work and I like traveling still and stuff like that. And I think that's more of a father role.

Starting point is 02:00:00 Work is my relationship I realized over the years. Yeah, me too. It's like the thing that I, I don't know if I fell in love with it, but, and it's really a relationship I realized over the years. Yeah, me too. It's like the thing that I, I don't know if I fell in love with it, but, and it's really a relationship I have. It's like, I wake up with it, I go to bed with it. It's like part of my life. It's like the biggest part of my life, you know?

Starting point is 02:00:14 Yeah, it pays off. Yeah, it is. But at some point you can start coasting a little bit and let in something else. Yeah, maybe so. I'm projecting to myself. Maybe something with some tits on it, you feel me? Yeah, you deserve it.

Starting point is 02:00:29 Thanks dude. Or get your own, that's how it is now. You can't do that. That's a lot of dudes, huh? A lot of dudes are like, oh, I ain't gonna meet these chicks, I'll just get some tits put on. I don't think that's how it works.

Starting point is 02:00:41 Really? No, I don't think men are transitioning to women so that they can feel their own tits. I'll Really? No, I don't think men are transitioning to women so that they can I'll show these bitches. I'll be one of them. You can't titty fuck yourself Well, but you can look at your own I guess You don't want to sip where you eat, you know what I'm saying? I don't know what the statement is Nikki Glazer. Thank you for a roosting Tom Brady, dude What an odd what a crazy thing to get to do.

Starting point is 02:01:06 So crazy. So cool. Wow. Yeah, yeah. A legend. Is he beautiful in person? So handsome. But almost like unreal looking.

Starting point is 02:01:14 I had a joke for a while that was like, I want to put a knife through you to make sure you're not cake. You know, like he looks cake. He looks like his wax figurine was, they were like, we don't have enough wax to make it look like as waxy as he does. He looks unreal because he's had really good work done.

Starting point is 02:01:32 Yeah, he's a good looking man, but it's almost too perfect. I was intimidating to look at. Has he had work done, you think? Oh yeah. Really? Be crazy if he didn't. He's got all that money, he's got a wife that is like the most stunningly beautiful woman ever. You kind of want to raise to that level.

Starting point is 02:01:46 She's got good people working on her. I'm sure she's a natural, she's a natural 10, but she's also she's gone up to 12, I would say, with the right work. So, yeah, he's definitely done stuff. He's definitely done stuff. And I don't begrudge him. He did good stuff. He looks great. Beautiful man. Beautiful guy. Beautiful man. Yeah. Nikki Glaser, great to spend time with you. So fun. Beautiful band, beautiful guy, beautiful man. Yeah.

Starting point is 02:02:06 Nikki Glaser, great to spend time with you. So fun, Theo. I love you. Thank you for having me. I love you too. I love you too. Thank you. Now I'm just floating on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves.

Starting point is 02:02:15 I must be cornerstone. Oh, but when I reach that ground I'll share this piece of mind I found. I can feel it in the air. I can feel it in the air. I can feel it in the air. I can feel it in the air. I can feel it in the air. I can feel it in the air.

Starting point is 02:02:23 I can feel it in the air. I can feel it in the air. I can feel it in the air. I can feel it in the air. I can feel it in the air. I can feel it in the air. Oh, but when I reach that ground I'll share this peace of mind I found I can feel it in my bones

This Past Weekend - E502 Nikki Glaser

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