This Past Weekend - E506 Sal Vulcano

Episode Date: May 28, 2024

Sal Vulcano is a stand-up comedian, podcaster and one of the original members of the popular show “Impractical Jokers”. His first stand-up special “Terrified” premieres on YouTube this Friday 5/31. Sal Vulcano joins Theo to chat about the origins of their longtime friendship, charcuterie-induced gout, the long-running Impractical Jokers bit that got him brutally memed for a year, the time Q made a horrible mistake with his non-alcoholic beer brand, making his first ever stand-up special, the impact starting a family has had on him, and much more. Sal Vulcano: https://www.instagram.com/salvulcano/ ------------------------------------------------ Tour Dates! https://theovon.com/tour New Merch: https://www.theovonstore.com ------------------------------------------------- Sponsored By: Celsius: Go to the Celsius Amazon store to check out all of their flavors. #CELSIUSBrandPartner #CELSIUSLiveFit https://amzn.to/3HbAtPJ Shopify: Go to http://shopify.com/theo to sign up for a $1-per-month free trial. ZipRecruiter: Go to http://ziprecruiter.com/theo to amp up your hiring performance with ZipRecruiter. Manscaped: Go to http://manscaped.com and use code THEO for 20% off plus free shipping. Tommy John: Go to http://tommyjohn.com/theo to get 30% off sitewide. ------------------------------------------------- Music: “Shine” by Bishop Gunn https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3A_coTcUek ------------------------------------------------ Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to: [e-mail] Hit the Hotline: [phone] Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: https://www.theovon.com/fan-upload Send mail to: This Past Weekend 1906 Glen Echo Rd PO Box #159359 Nashville, TN 37215 ------------------------------------------------ Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheoVonClips Shorts Channel: https://bit.ly/3ClUj8z ------------------------------------------------ Producer: Zach https://www.instagram.com/zachdpowers Producer: Nick https://www.instagram.com/realnickdavis/ Producer: Ben https://www.instagram.com/benbeckermusic/ Producer: Colin https://instagram.com/colin_reiner Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Get ready for puck drop at BetMGM, an official sports betting partner of the National Hockey League. BetMGM.com for terms and conditions. Must be 19 years of age or older to wager. Ontario only. Please play responsibly. If you have any questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact ConX Ontario at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge.

BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. I want to announce that we have a show in Cork, Ireland now on June 9th at Live at the Marquis. New York City, New York, May 31st, Belfast, London, Idaho Falls, Salt Lake City, and Las Vegas, Nevada there, 4th of July weekend we'll be there in Las Vegas, Nevada for two nights at Resorts World. You can get all tickets at theovon.com slash T-O-U-R and thank you for your support. And if tickets are too expensive, make sure you're not buying them on a secondary site. You got to do that. That's why we suggest go through through the website and and if they're too if they're if they're sold out or something and they're expensive on secondary sites just hold the line we'll

come back through some other time. I love you guys. Thank you. Today's guest has his first standup special, Terrified, premiering on YouTube on May 31st. He is one of the most energetic and engaging and humorous humans that I've ever met. You know him from Impractical Jokers and just from the years of joy he's brought to all of us. Today's guest is Mr. Sal Volcano. I love this stuff. Good to see you. Love you, buddy. Good to see you. Good to see you, dude.

Good to see you, man. Yeah, we waited to like say hey to each other kind of until the episode started. Love you, buddy. So nice to see you. Good to see you, dude. You too, man. Yeah, we waited to say hey to each other until the episode started. Oh, so this is the episode starting now? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I'm just letting people know. Because sometimes you start the episode and it's like, oh man, we're already going.

And then it's like, you just kind of will get rid of some of the good energy in the beginning, man. Yeah, I got it. I got the good energy. I was looking forward to seeing you, man. Yeah, same dude, 100%. Yeah, so what's different? Oh yeah, so the other place, like, we still have like our producers that work there every day. We got Zach and Nick and they work over there

just making sure everything's smooth, planning ahead. Yeah. You know? And then, yeah, it's been different being here, you know? Yeah, but you don't, how far are you from here? This is not, you don't post up, you stay here? I live here.

You live where we're at right now? Yeah. Oh, okay, I thought you like arrived from somewhere else. No, no. Oh, you've been here? I've been here. Oh, I thought you like arrived here. I was like, it's a big office, man. I was like, damn. I like arrived here. I was like it's a big office man

This is your permanent area yeah, that's my right on okay. Oh, yeah, that's my legal residence, man Oh, that's so alright, so this is a great setup, dude Yeah, it's good when you squint you when you went to scope the place out this had to be like a big Selling point that you could make that well this is that this existed to be like a big selling point that you could make the- Well, this existed kind of was like, oh wow, so I could maybe make this work, you know? Yeah. I wish there was a little more space sometimes.

Up here or? Yeah, up here. This big though? I mean, it's been, look, that's the thing. It's like, do I need more? Like I looked at a house the other day that has like, basically the front is kind of almost an office. And I was like, well, I could do that.

And then I'm like, but do I need more? I think it's about figuring out what you really need kind of and what you want, I don't know. And then I'm not home as much as I would like to be. So. You do a lot of road still right now, right? Yeah, yeah, still touring. And then sometimes I'll go do podcasts on the road. Yeah, yeah. I would like to be. Yeah, you do a lot of road still right now, right? Yeah, yeah, still touring and then sometimes I'll go do podcasts on the road.

Yeah, yeah. I know what you mean. I've been trying to like, I live in a condo still. I've been trying to build a house. Oh wait, weren't you guys building a house for a while? We talked about this last time. Is that true? Dude, no joke.

I haven't progressed at all. We're supposed to like knock down a house and build a house and I had to go through the process like I don't know anything about this stuff like getting I get like an architect and like, you know Making the plans and then demoing the thing and you know, I don't not handy I don't really know anything about this stuff and it's just been like the The worst experience really? Yeah, we had stuff and I think You just start squatting, aren't you in New York? I am, yeah. I bought the property years ago.

I thought I'd be living there already. But it's all about, so we've been making refinements. So that's what made me think of it. Isn't it by a river or something? It's by the Hudson. Yeah, like the, you know, it's by the New York there on the water. It's pretty dope.

Like I have questioned in the last three years, like not three times already and just saying fuck it because it's just been so tough to do. That's me. You know what that said? You're going to laugh at me. It said, no smoking, no junk except fruit every day. That's my album. Wow. Just to make sure. Yeah, because you know when I smoke, we're like, I eat. It's no good. So you'll smoke and then you will eat. I play this game myself where it's like, all right, if I smoke tonight, I'll let myself smoke if I don't eat. If I eat, I can't smoke. And then when you're high, you're like, yeah, but you know, and it just happens over and over and over and over. But it's not even like we're laughing, but it's like an issue.

Oh, yeah. You know what I'm saying? And I'm just like, I was trying to lose weight because I shot the special, and I was trying to lose weight for that. And so I did really good. I lost a ton of weight. You look a lot leaner.

Thanks. Yeah, yeah. It's been over time, but it's from my heaviest, like a year and a half ago, probably down 50. What? I fluctuated up and down 50 my whole life though so like now I'm trying to like break down even like the next get down to like next 20 or whatever and it's just it's just tough because

Because I'm so stressed. Oh, yeah, that's like the weed is like at the end of the night I cannot turn off you can't I can't turn off my brain unless I just smoke a little and otherwise won't be able to sleep I won't be able to just like stop everything is cute racing So yeah, dude, I would love to be able to have that I wish I could smoke dope or even smoke crack Honestly sometimes but but yeah, then it's like how do you also? Get some rest I guess but yeah, I'm sorry gonna rest with the crack though. Yeah, I don't know if you rest with the crowd I don't know. I never really like, I feel like, I have known people that have done crack.

I haven't talked to them about it. When I say I know that I was probably a kid and there was people that worked around where I live with my, and I think they did crack, that was a rumor. Wow. But I don't really know what crack does. It's a functional, like the MyPillow guy. He does crack?

He did it his whole, building the pillows. You know? Really? Yeah. Oh, so good things can come out of it still. There are crack success stories. Oh yeah. You know what I'm saying?

Oh wow. Is that what the secret is? It's like crack in there. I don't know what it is. They dust a pillow with crack before they ship it. People are like, oh, this is the best fucking pillow I've ever had in my life. This is MyPillow, you can't have that shit. It's like crack oh, this is the best fucking pillow I've ever had in my life. This is my pillow. You can't have that shit.

It's like crack bay, that guy like this, you know? He just. There's a guy on the assembly line just like as they pass. No, but like crack is like crack like, is a crack like cocaine or is it like heroin or is it like both? Let's bring up a little bit of crack if you can. Yeah.

And bring up a little bit of crack if you can. Yeah. And bring up a crack rock. Mm. Crack, I think crack was, it hasn't been as big as it was when we were younger. When we were younger, it was like, you know, sleep, breathe, crack. Like it was in the black population too, I think they, and I think there's documentaries, and I haven't seen this,

but I believe there's documentaries that they Believe it was unleashed on the black community or whatever. Oh, is that right? I don't know if it's true and I'm not saying that it isn't true. I just haven't seen I didn't go down I've never gone down that uh, yeah, but um, how do you how do you make it? Can you give me some information on it? Yeah, what's there's a beautiful picture not be I mean, there's different emmys an assortment It looks like crack had a photo section It's not all like how you shoot eBay items, you know, it's not like in the wild crack. It's like crack in a studio Yeah, it looks like somebody made a charcuterie

With I bet you there's been a drug party before where it's been laid out like charcuterie Oh like in a high end the high end parties, like in the hills and stuff. Oh dude, I heard this. It's like a little bejute and like a little bit of like. Oh yeah, a little camembert. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A little Sauvignon Crock. Really appealing too.

Like people went to the party and they never did drugs before, but then they were like, looks good though. Oh yeah, they're like, oh, there's no way that crack rock doesn't go with that fig jam Big jam is my favorite thing on that check. We're not always on there But it is it's only gives you the sweetness that you need to cut through. Yeah, I love a good fig jam You know, it's under Valued I think it's kind of the It's underappreciated yet. It's it's kind of the it's underappreciated.

Yet it's costly, which is really the dichotomy about it. Undervalued, but overpriced. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. When was the last time you had fake jam? I think when you're saying it, when someone is, when I've been at someone's house that has, that has, I guess, rich or whatever, and they have fancy wine corkers or whatever, like that bottle of wine,

like, and then they'll have a charcuterie board sometimes. Yeah, but I got a charcuterie board for the Super Bowl. Oh, you did? It had fig jam on it? Yeah, it had fig jam on it. Really? But it also had jalapeno poppers on it. Well, I did have wings as well. I had wings. I had other things.

Normally we'll make it, but then my lady found someone who did it. She went to a party and they had it and she was like, whoa, and she got the number. And then we ordered it and they bring it. It's like on a four foot board. You know, and you know, you've got to pay the lecture for it, but for the guests, you know. It's almost a level of like how rich you're willing to be when you go down the charcuterie boards, because there's also different sizes. There's the, um, there's the Noah's ark. There's the, and you can go all the way down to like the Titanic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's like the Nina.

Sorry. And that's your joke, dude. I stepped on it, but, um, and yeah, and you can go all the way down to like Titanic door like this small little Yeah, don't ever let go. Yeah But I will tell you though I stood there calculating how much the woman Actually paid like the actual wholesale cost because I was like there was some there were some things on there that there are some Things on that they make you go. Oh, okay, but they're like, you know, they're throughout but then there's also like, you know grapes Just cheap, you know, so I'm like looking at it. I'm like man. I guess it's labor-intensive I'll give her that okay

Cuz I felt like she probably could have got away with everything on there for like under 200 and it was probably like 450 Or something like that. Oh wow for a bit. It was like four feet. Well, we had like 35 people Oh, that's fair. Yeah. Oh, yeah, if it feeds 35, dude, I'll fucking get one of those every yeah But then like not every we had so much food not everyone ate it and then I have like so much excess Charcuterie and then I feel guilty because I'm like I have to eat this I can't piss away money like this Yeah, so I'm just I was eating charcuterie for like six seven days past the soup bowl. Really? Yeah, just having olives and pecans and just what? Yeah. But you know what it is?

11 pistachios. Like they always have like, like seven or eight like things. Yeah. There's unidentified things all the time. I got to like Google photo it. I don't even know. I'm like, what is this? It's like, I don't even know if it's cheese. It's a cream. There's nuts. I never seen them on there before. Oh, it gets twigs. Very vague towards the end. Like sometimes there'll be like a hoof meat, there will be something called a neighborhood sausage.

They give you like a legend, like a key. You're like, oh, you got to try, that's a neighborhood sausage. But it's so much more depressing eating it the week after because it's bagged in like sandwich bags in the fridge. And so now I'm just pulling out different bags of unidentified meats and like, like tasting it and like the sodium levels that week were probably through the roof. Really? I retained a lot of water that week. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that's another big issue.

I think is one of the side effects of charcuterie. Charcuterie boards is gout, probably, and severe salt retention. My buddy's daddy, if he had too much salt, he couldn't talk. And so he'd get his fucking dad, like, his dad would be drunk, and he'd get a bunch of fucking, like, he'd keep giving him potato chips and shit. If he knew he was gonna, like, steal the car that night, the day before he'd be like, give his dad just a family, like a Costco bag of Ruffles. Yeah, the dad just would be hard.

So he wouldn't chew them out when he got home. He would just look at them, like, furrowed. Mmm, my jaw won't lock. You just look at him like furrowed You ever have gout no, I never had I'm a stepdad had it I think it's basically salt builds up like in the bins of your body, huh? I Have I self-diagnosed gout? You just said you had it. Yeah, I just said I was trying to will it Thank you for admitting it. A lot of people will have fucking... like I had

like a stepdad probably couldn't even move his arms or anything. He's like, I don't have anything wrong. And meanwhile, his arms are like... You look like Randy in A Christmas Story in the snow suit. Yeah, yeah, you look like that. No, I was getting these sharp pains. Is that

Gout stuff? Right there. Right there. Oh, wow. I never even Googled Gout and that's where I had it. Gout happens when you rate a... That's like a T-shirt. Gout happens. Gout happens.

Yeah. I didn't mean to cut you off. No. And that is definitely a market that as we age, we can get into. I think Gout happens. Gout happens, right? Oh, my staff, they would wear that every day. He'd wear the helmet.

He's got it so bad, dude, he's a fucking, he shows up on the periodic table at elements. That dude has so much salt in him. That dude's fucking probably got iodine in him. That's not good. You ever talk to him about it? We mentioned it. You should cut his sodium down, you know?

We mentioned it. Anything you do for him? He's born free. He wears a shirt that says born free all the time, so that's not the kind of guy you know? We mentioned it. Anything you do for him? He's born free. He wears a shirt that says, born free all the time. So that's not the kind of guy you can approach about their stuff. I think born free essentially means God happens. Yeah, that's true.

Yeah, those are, that's an interchangeable shirt. No, I had this shooting pain, like, in your foot. Out of nowhere, out of nowhere. But I mean, like, your foot locks up and you can't, like, you would have to, like, like, you have to, like, tip toe and put your weight on the other foot out of nowhere, right? And then what happened like Could happen for two minutes could happen for like five minutes ten minutes and then it would just Magically like a charlie horse would just go away. Oh, and I didn't really know what it was I thought I kind of I thought I broke my toe or I had some something wrong with the actual like infrastructure in there and

It would reoccur and go away and reoccur and I was like I gotta talk to my dad So I went I got x-rays and they were like, it's fine. There's nothing wrong with it Yeah, you're full of shit and I realized God because it's not just salt I heard like well it is meats and stuff. So I guess that is salt. Yep salt shrimp. I know have it shit That's the seafood head Seafood is high in sodium. I didn't really, really know that. And I eat seafood thinking like, oh, it's lean. It's good protein, you know?

And- Yeah, it's the lean cuisine of the ocean kind of. It is. It is, right? Yeah. And then I realized, I realized I had, I guess you can have it, you can have flare ups and it goes away. Because I haven't now, not going to go, this is going to be, this is going to suck because I know I'm going to bring it back now by saying it.

But I haven't really had it in like a year or a year and a half. But there was times where I would get it like every few days and it would strike anywhere at the most inopportune times. Oh, yeah. Thank you though. You know, prayers, you know, anything you could do for me. Yeah. I love how, like, you really, you actually really just got empathy for my gout. Oh, well, I watched my stepdad.

He would have so much, like, flare-up or whatever. He couldn't even... My stepmom would go put a blanket on him. He'd be like, He couldn't even, like, even an afghan or whatever, couldn't touch his skin, it would fucking hurt him too much. Oh, my God, dude. Let's give this information, though. Gout happens when you urate a substance in your body, Couldn't even like even an afghan or whatever couldn't touch his skin. It would fucking hurt him too much

Let's give this information though gout happens when urate a substance in your body builds up and forms needle-shaped crystals in Your joints Yeah, I got I guess I need little shape crystals this leads to Pain swelling redness and changes in the movement and use of the affected joint. However, not everyone with high urate levels develop gout. And does gout just go away? Maybe look that up, how it comes and goes away. Yeah. The pain is like, you can't use the foot.

You literally like, it's almost like you need a crutch, but you don't have one. Cause you never know when it's gonna hit. You need a short friend. Yeah, you need anything really, any kind of support at all. Gout can go away or return again and again. Oh my gosh, dude, this is like one of those, one of those Robert Pattinson movies.

Some people will go months or even years without having another gout attack, or very rarely they may never have another one yet. It's like the mafia. Like you never know when it's lurking over your shoulder. Like it threatens you once and then you just be like, you got to fall in line. I have psoriasis, which is the same exact thing. I got a lot of like autoimmune things that threaten me, then they go away, but there's always a threat of them again. Yeah, that's one thing I guess about growing up, is that that stuff starts to happen.

Your special is? Yeah, it's called Terrified. I shot at the Vic in Chicago back in December. This is my first actual one on anything I recorded. I have some television sets and this is not happening, this and that, but most of my stuff, I just never put it out there. So I finally had the time, the runway to do it.

So it's a big deal for me because a lot of people aren't educated that I am a stand-up. My fans are, but I want to reach. So it's like that I am a stand-up, you know, like my fans are but like just you know I want to reach like, you know, you know, so it's like this is a kind of like my you know Hopefully i'll reach a lot of people. Yeah, I remember well I wanted you and I got on a show together at a bookstore In new york. I remember I think when you were first starting to do comedy. Yeah, like it's well now let's talk about uh Proper stand-up probably been about eight, eight years or so now.

Yeah, I actually was just so funny because I was like, I was talking to my lady that was coming here and we started talking about you. And I actually, I went and looked at it because we, it was like eight, nine years ago, you visited, we went out together for Halloween, me, you and her. And I found a photo of us He did yeah, I got I found the photo list. I was like I went it was that far back, but I had to go in like my This is this is you this you you dressed as a newsie and I was like a run-dmc That was a fun night that was a fun night and I remember we went to a couple of good bars Yeah, we were on that was dude. That was nine years years ago I can't believe I know and then I found this one which I was like I guess I forgot we did this but we did a show together me you and Adam Ray at the House of Blues in San Diego do you even remember that I remember I showed up there with luggage for some reason I remember

I definitely remember that and um because I uh cause I, uh, yeah, I just remember, cause sometimes you don't have luggage with you. Yeah. Most of your life you don't have luggage, right? No, not most of the days. Yeah. So most of, so when I have luggage, sometimes I remember it, especially if you're with luggage at a place that you shouldn't have luggage.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. It always feels so weird. Oh, if you go to lunch or somewhere and you have to go to the airport after, and you fucking walk into like a you know uh uh i'm trying to think of a good place that's well that place is closed down but even like a macaroni grill like a semi nice place where and you got the luggage by your seat you know it's by your seat and then people are like walking by and you're like yeah i know you keep pulling your luggage in especially in new york I'm sure if you go to a cafe, because a luggage will take up probably 7% of a cafe.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I would say so. Yeah, absolutely. And then forget about it if you have a large. If I have you large, you probably just gotta eat in the park now. You probably can't get into the doorway. Well, you've done, I mean, at that point,

that's how homelessness starts. I think it's somebody that's, somebody is meeting somebody, they're on their last leg, they're headed out of town, and they're meeting somebody for lunch. Somebody's like, look, I'll buy you a meal. And you realize your luggage is too big to get into the cafe, and they're like,

you gotta eat in the park. I just got new luggage, so I'm like feeling good about it. Ooh. Yeah, my old one, I was still using like the cloth cloth one like not a hard case I like the cloth one because it used to like zipper The like the flat was thin and the whole depth was one side and I was I was hesitant to get you were using that style I was doing that with just the two wheels that you had to lug like on like it was like a hand truck I respect the two wheels. Yeah

Yeah and I you know and I ended up getting that one because my shit busted while I was at the airport and Then I had to run down and get luggage at the airport and I bought it and I was like, alright And then I was like, oh man, it was it was like Can't you know it wasn't like hard case too. So it got you know wet and dry and wet and dry And but I liked that it was deep You know, yeah, and oh, I guess that's true. You have one side is deep.

You're not deciding what side to put stuff on. It wasn't a split. You know, and I resisted the hard case split for so long. And then finally this luggage, I couldn't get the handle up anymore. I still had it for like three months with no hand, couldn't get the handle up. I was like just reaching low and just pulling.

Oh my God. Really? I just, I don't know. I just like don't have time. And I was like, you low and just pulling. Oh my god. I just I just I don't know I just like don't have time and I was like I you know what it is I want to be a smart consumer. Yeah, and I didn't have the time to do the research on the new luggage And so I just was like I'm gonna do and then one day I just like I can't do this anymore Yeah, and I committed and I got the new hard hard like trying to get out of a marriage And I committed and I got the new hard, hard case. It's like a guy trying to get out of a marriage.

I'm going to stay with this baby just a few minutes, just so I know that I really like I found somebody else. And now I do the split hard top. And you know what? I was afraid for nothing. Really? It's got four wheels. It glides effortlessly.

It's impermeable to liquids. Oh, yeah. And it's not really that bad, because I was like, oh, what if I need something that is like tall in a split? I'm not gonna be able to do it because one side zips. So it's not like you can combine both sides really. But luckily I haven't run into that problem.

Happy to say that, happy to announce it here. Damn, thanks, man. That's unbelievable. So you are your hard case luggage guy now? Yeah, I'm hard case luggage guy. The best part of it though is the effortless gliding. I used to like be like, it was like the trail of tears when I was like,

you know, I used to do it with the old one. Not to diminish the fact that I was serious. Get out of here engine. People would yell that at you. You're like, oh, hold on guy. This guy, yeah, this guy is just, he likes what he likes, you know? He knows that style of luggage.

Wow, that was almost archaic, I feel like, though, to see somebody who would still just have the one thin layer side that you couldn't put anything in, maybe some pockets, but that was it. Yeah, it was like for, you know, tissues. The first thin flap was, you couldn't do anything with it, really. But have you seen someone walk with, you know, tissues. The first in flap was you couldn't do anything with it really. Yeah. But you have you seen someone walk with like us, you remember when we were little?

It was just a suitcase with a handle. And if you were lucky, there was these little ball wheels on the bottom of like a traditional suitcase. And then they had like this little like almost like a little handle that you could pull it with, but it had no control. It was little ball with it. It had no, also like it wasn't weighted correctly. You remember they were like just big. So back in the day, people had to like literally carry their luggage in both hands, like walk with it.

Yeah. That's true. When I was little, that's the luggage my parents had. Well, that's all, and they call it luggage. I mean, they call it, I guess I was the original, like they were lugging it around. That's gotta be it, right? That's why they call it luggage. I mean, they call it, I guess that was the original, like they were lugging it around. That's gotta be it, right?

That's why they call it that, right? It would have to be, I think. My mother still carries a bag like that. From like her childhood, basically. This thing. She jacked. She could be, yeah. She could probably hit you pretty quickly

without you being really prepared for it. Unless you grew up with her. You came to you came to. Oh, you had timing. Your mom was like Mike Tyson and Mike Tyson's punch out. Like you can get all the way up to him and then you would just screwed. Oh, you make one mistake with him. You done. Yeah, it's one hit.

You done. Oh, yeah. Remember that? Yeah. Oh, seven, three, seven, three, five, nine, six, three. That's the code. It was. yeah, I have a tattoo in my brain I made a t-shirt of it my own t-shirt Yeah, dude, your mom was like Tyson did you ever beat him Mike Tyson's on Nintendo Yeah, we beat him. Yeah somebody yeah, I remember like Yeah, we had one neighbor those like real liberal and I like, don't beat him because he's black, you know, and it's like, it's not about that.

It's like a video game. They missed the point. Yeah. I'm like, they didn't want to shoot the ducks and duck hunts. Yeah, they didn't want to rock the boat. Yeah. You know, I'm like, look, we paid forty four dollars for this game on my seventh birthday so we could rock the fucking boat. Yeah. You know, this is one place I can take a swing at a tough brother. Yeah in the safety of my own home But yeah when he would come out

Yeah What sucks is if you got all the way up to him, I guess they gave you the code once you got up to him But I used to try and play it straight through You know, I got to I got to that point where I could play it straight through It was one of my games. What do I could play it straight through. It was one of my games. What do you mean play it straight through? Like I would start at Glass Joe and go until I beat Tyson just without like in one session. Oh, one sitting really? Yeah, one sitting. Yeah. Yeah, I mean it didn't take that long. I had all the time in the world when I was 12. Remember how

much time you had? Yeah. Remember how much time you had, dude? People are like, what are you doing today? You're like, what are you even talking about? I don't even know what I'm gonna do today. I have no idea what's gonna happen today. Yeah. Summer vacation from school felt like, it felt like years.

Yeah. So- Kids can't imagine. Imagine, this is, or anybody, imagine now you're out of school, you go home, there's a TV, that's it really, and it's playing like Little House on the Prairie, and then straight into Wheel of Fortune. That's exactly right.

Or straight into Price is Right. Well, Little House, Price is Right was 11 a.m., and then Little House was where I was. It was like, it was actually, was Little House prime time though? I think it was, or am I thinking a highway to heaven? Highway to heaven. Okay, okay, yeah.

And we're huge fans here, both of those. Yeah, Michael Landon's staying all the way. Yeah. Michael Landon. Somebody sent me a video of his hometown the other day and his childhood home and stuff is pretty cool. Of Michael Landon's? Yeah. Someone sent you a video of Michael Landon's childhood home and stuff is pretty cool of Michael Landon's Yeah, someone sent you a video of Michael in his childhood home just recently

Yeah, just sent me like this is where he lived at This is the bench he used to spend time on and just like just some like police pieces from his neighborhood What uh, where is he from Connecticut? Now I want to talk more about this special man Forest Hills in New York. Now this sounds nice. Have you been here? No. Is that Queens? Yeah. Oh yeah yeah I've been to Queens of course. Is that Queens? Forest Hills? Yeah go back to it. Let's see. Landon was born Eugene Maurice Orowitz. October 31st, Halloween.

No way, no way. That's when we hung out. Maurice tells the neighborhood of Queens, New York his father's were Peggy. Oh yeah, it's beautiful there, dude. It looks like you're in old Europe or something. It's all these old, like, there's an old section of it. Ooh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It looks like you're in like a cottage. Like it looks like you're in the foothills of Switzerland It's some some of the places in Queens Wow. Yeah. So yeah, this was some of the footage if somebody had sent me And now this is apropos of nothing. They send you the Michael and the treats people know I'm a fan. Is that right? Yeah I'm a known fan of that kind of programming or him specifically specifically I think just like you know it was just he was good wholesome fun the fatherhood he was kind of that father that television

father when I started podcasting an online store was probably the furthest thing from my mind you know I was just just concerned with getting the episodes out. But eventually we put a t-shirt online and we started selling it and then that evolved and people wanted more. And so next thing you know, we were selling a t-shirt and a dang sweatshirt and a high heel even at one point, I think. And that's where we are now and it's been so easy all because I use Shopify. Shopify is the global commerce platform that helps you sell at every stage of your business. That's been one thing it's nice whether we were selling just one item or we evolved to have a couple of items.

Whatever stage you're at you can stage up or stage down with Shopify from the Launch Your Online Shop stage to the First Real Life Store stage, all the way to the Did We Just Hit a Million Orders stage. Shopify is there to help you grow. Right now, you can sign up for a $1 per month trial period at Shopify.com slash T-H-E-O, all lowercase. Go to Shopify.com slash T-H-E-O now to grow your business

no matter what stage you're in. Shopify.com slash Theo. Everybody likes having skin on their body. Covers you, holds you, keeps everything together. But what I wanna talk to you about is that second skin, maybe. That Tommy John, you know what I'm talking about? That lightweight, breathable, comfortable,

doesn't ride up perfect fit underwear and undergarments and garments, period. The most comfortable underwear I've ever worn. That's right, I can't even travel without my Tommy Johns. I can do everything better in my Tommy Johns. I feel good, I feel capable. I feel like just touching the world. Tommy Johns are different from other brands I've worn.

Just because of the sleekness, because of that hold, the comfort, because it makes me feel like I just feel better than I even feel. And I wanna let you know you can get 30% off site wide right now at tommyjohn.com slash T-H-E-O. And if you don't love your Tommy Johns, you're covered by their best pair you'll ever wear

or it's free, guarantee. That's right. So there's nothing to lose by even trying this comfort. You can save 30% off site-wide right now at TommyJohn.com slash T-H-E-O. See site for details. Great time to get something for yourself or something for Father's Day. A little bit more about the special, man. So yeah, like what has that been like for you? Like the comedy road?

Like, did you start to really feel like, okay, this is what kind of comedians go through? Because you also got into comedy where people already knew you. Was that scary? Like, oh, they're going to judge me or did it feel more like they're going to support me? Like, yeah, I know what you mean.? Or did it feel more like they're going to support me? Yeah, I know what you mean. Well, I did stand up like 20 years ago. Out of college, I did it for a little bit.

And then I started getting to sketch comedy and improv and stuff. And then that's how I really got into comedy because I started to get a little successful with the sketch stuff. This is like 2000. 99, I started that. And then I got on the show show and I was like, well,

the only thing I ever really wanted to do was do standup, but it just, I didn't get to go down that path. And then I was like, you know, if I don't do it now, I mean, I'm not, I have to start doing it now. I have a platform now, you know, but I was like, uh, I was very into this, like I was into the standup world a little bit because I used to host a bar. I owned a bar and I used to host like comedy on Tuesdays and and this is 2008 9 10 11 12 and so every comic every New York comic

played my bar and so I became friends with everyone like Years before I like started going hard at it in New York And so everybody was like I was friends with everybody and also, I just went at it really, really hard. Like I was, you know, I didn't half-ass anything. It's what I do and it's what I wanted to do. But I understand it's a thing like, OK, people know me from television. Like, am I back doing it?

Am I going to have an act? But if you're out there every single night, I mean, I'm playing bars with three people in it to this to that the next thing five six spots a night for you you know so it's like you know and then it's like you know if you're if you respect it I mean yeah so luckily everybody was really cool with me and would you feel like personally that's a little bit more what I mean like I think you seem like an authentic enough guy where like you would Be realistic about what you were really doing, you know if you're just trying to create a fun show that was like a

Like a Joker show like, you know, we're just like bring a lot of that to stage or if you were trying to you know Like really rock in a stand-up and really go through it, you know, and I know that for years you were Performing but yeah, like what was it? Was there anything like for you in your own head? Like, do I need to prove to myself? Like, was it some of that a little bit, you think? Yeah, but that's a motivator, you know? Like, cause I tour with the guys. I've been touring with the guys for 13 years.

Well, we toured back in 2000, but now since the show we've been touring for 13 years. We're on our fifth, you know, like we do United States every market, and then UK every market, you know? This is our fifth one for 13 years. We're on our fifth. You know, like we do United States every market, and then UK every market. You know, this is our fifth one in 12 years. So and you know, our story was like, you know, we started really small.

We started playing literally when we started. Like nobody wanted to really invest in us. Oh, yeah. You know, like even our agents, they like, well, like, oh, yeah, you can do live stuff. You know, and we started in like literally like C rooms. You know, like really like hole in the wall places. But it got better. And then, you know, and we started in like literally like sea rooms, you know, like really like at like hole in the wall places, but it got better and then, you know, a few years with theater and then, and then we started, you know, playing big, big, big places. And

then, uh, but it is, it's different. It's not, it's not stand up, you know, it's like, it's like a multimedia show. It's for our fans. We tell stories as interactive. It's like geared toward the fan. Yeah. And I love being there. I mean, so many of my first fans were fans that came over from you guys. Oh, no, really? Oh, yeah. I mean.

Is that just because of you, like you? I think from going on the cruise that we went on, and then some of the fans like would come to my shows. You know, you guys just, Jokers had some of the most loyal fans, um, by far. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. That is really true. By far. I mean, it's like the Bible and then jokers, I feel like. No, but they're good like that. If like we vouch for someone,

it's like they will attach themselves because you know, they're not really standup fans, you know, like they're, they're, they're fans of the show. Maybe they're fans of comedy and everything, but they find a lot of people through us. Yeah. You know, so it's like when we tell them all this person, like they're fans of comedy and everything, but they find a lot of people through us. Yeah. So it's like when we tell them, oh, this person, they're so happy to have someone to seek out and to become a fan of. Yeah, they're more like human fans kind of. Human fans.

Like just like, usually just pretty fun loving people. You guys have had some of the best fans, I feel like. Yeah, I think so too. And they're just so like, they're so invested and they're so loyal, you know, it's we're only on the air this long because you know because of that kind of I Don't know that kind of dedication they have to it that loyalty you know what I mean, and we just signed I just season 10 just finished airing and We mean we didn't announce this yet, but we signed first season 11 and 12 So I'm shooting season 11 now

And I can't even believe it really because it's like 300 episodes of doing it since 2011 but we signed for season 11 and 12. So I'm shooting season 11 now. Wow. And I can't even believe it really, because it's like 300 episodes. I've been doing it since 2011. Like I didn't think that shit, but it's because of them. It's really it, it's because of them. And like they, if someone is in our orbit of the shows, like they want to,

like that's how much they love us. They just wanna like, they wanna kind of, they're cool to be like a fan of what we're a fan of. You know what I mean? Like that kind of thing, like by extension. Yeah, yeah, they love us. They just want to like they want to kind of they're cool They're cool to be like a fan of what we're a fan of yeah, like that kind of thing. They by extension Yeah, yeah, they want to care. Yeah, they and also they trust your Acumen or Whatever like yeah, whatever whatever you think is on your charcuterie board of humor, right? They like want to get it. They're like, oh, I like you know my fig jam, babe

Yeah, you know what I'm saying? I'm like try some fig jam right here That's another good shirt we're gonna make a lot of shirts today Let's see how many pieces of merch we can come up with by the time this this episode right now. We got two Yeah, we got two we got gout gout happens in your mouth. Big jam. Yeah. All right, but I want to branch out It can't just be t-shirts. Maybe we'll do some like oh We'll get into socks. Maybe some, yeah, socks. Maybe laptop covers or something like that.

Ooh, yeah. Socks. Maybe like a wind chime. Ooh. You gotta get, you gotta get, that's the secret with merch. You have great merch. You gotta get, you gotta throw in something like people don't normally get. Really?

I think so. Yeah, that's, I think I just didn't want to end up having like all kind of like, you know, I got like hats for disabled people or I got like, you know niche Children's that's not a lot of disabled children's best, you know, you're like what is going on? You know, yeah But you should cinnamon like oh, it's got a cinnamon. Yeah. Do you have anything like that? I'm surprised you don't you don't have like a rub or something like that. You don't dude. Come on You this you're the you're the southern king man. You got to get like yourself a rub or something bro. I've got a

You're not allowed to use it near school But I did a peanut butter for charity no way yeah well the our, we have the, so I do Hey Babe with Krista Stefano and Taste Buds with Joe DeRosa. And together we're on this no-presh network. It's on YouTube. And so I had this peanut butter that I loved. Saratoga Peanut Butter Company was this family-owned,

woman-owned business. And she used to be from Staten Island, where I'm from. And I found her at a Christmas market. Not even her. I just found a stand and I was loving it loving it loving it and I would mention it and like you know it's a support and then they reached out and like we combined and made a like a peanut butter for charity did that once. Oh Saratoga peanut butter. Put in like the no-press I bet you it'll come up because it was cool with her on the label and stuff

like fun you know. Oh that would be really cool. Yeah. I never thought about some of that, I guess. Pickles one time. Pickles we did. I don't know. I just worry, I guess, about like trying to sell. To me, there's something that gets weird if I feel like I'm trying to sell people too many things. Oh, for sure. I didn't sell that. That was just the money went to charity and that was, I would just say, I didn't make my own. Yeah, of Oh, for sure. I didn't sell that. That was just, the money went to charity and that was, I was just thinking. Oh, I see what you're saying.

Yeah, I didn't make my own. Right. Yeah, of course, of course, man. Q, I was on a, so Q, my buddy, you know Q. He made cucumbers? No, that would be good. He owned a beer company. He started it, he bought the rights to and revived

a beer company from Staten Island from like 100 years ago that went defunct. What a great idea. Right? And yeah, and he was so passionate about it. And he doesn't have any more, but years he had it. And to mess with me on the show, he made, there was one time on the show where they renamed me Prince Herb.

And I had to go by Prince Herb in my whole life for like a year, like late night TV, the news, any press, going up on stage, please welcome Prince Herb. They pierced my ears, they made me wear these big cubics or Cognia earrings. It was very embarrassing. So I was known as Prince Herb. And so, I mean, everything I did,

like I would go to Starbucks and get like a lot of them and be like, Prince Herb, right? And he made a Prince Herb brew and it was, you in a picture, you, if you pull up Prince Herb, that's all me. Oh yeah. That's Prince Herb. They put billboard in Times Square. That's a billboard of me with the earrings. No way. Yeah. That, that's the, that's the new year's Eve bill. That's the huge one. That's in Times Square. Yeah. That's the size of the building. You have gout in your cheeks, dude.

That is huge. It was like 60s. What are you looking at? The T-shirt, the Prince Her for 2024. No, if you put in Prince Her. Who is that? That? Oh, that's another thing.

I'll get to that. That's me. Oh, that's you. That's me. That's the worst picture I ever took. 2003, I had the flu and I was 60 pounds overweight. And I gave them the picture to put on Jokers, because we like help each other out, you know, like they want to do something like, here, take this bad picture of me, go ahead. And they kept using it for like six, seven seasons, right? And then I was like, this joke is getting old. And then just when I thought I was getting old, it became a meme, dude.

Like the crying Michael Jordan face. Not that like it's that big, but I'm saying like that. Like people just started using it. I don't even understand why. Dude, it got so big that college campuses across the country, I go to college shows now, everybody in the audience has that face on a shirt or they put it on quilts and they put it on like these blankets and they hang them in the dorms.

Dude, at their graduation, I'm on, my fat head is on the cap, like and everything. It's, and I never sold, made a dollar from that. Someone made so many millions of dollars. I mean, dude, I can't tell you the amount of merch that that thing is on. Who is that? That's me, dude.

That's me. I look like Andre the Giant, bro. Yeah, it's just a bad angle, a bad day. I was in Santa Monica. I was at lunch with Q. He took the picture and I was at, I mean, that one's blown. Someone widened it, but it wasn't good. I understand the one with the glowing orbs come out of his eyes has been edited. I don't know what, I asked the kids when I go to the colleges, like they hold them up on the blankets, like they get this, they spend real money. Oh yeah.

They get it blown up and I'm like, what is this? And they just like- Quiltery is very costly. Yeah, yeah. I don't know much about it. Yeah. But I didn't think college kids could do quiltery, can afford quiltery.

Look at this, oh my God, Sal, I didn't know you had all this happen to you. Yeah, and so, but when it first happened, I didn't know what it meant. Because it looks like the guy died, God. Yeah. I think that's part of it. Everybody everybody when they look at that guy. They're like, oh, yeah, I remember him It's terrible a gamble. I look like the whale Right. I never didn't see the movie

But I look like I locked myself in my house and I had you know I didn't come out for a while you look like the whale if he wrapped I feel like like that's the element That's also there's a very Brooklyn or very like, uh, okay. There's a run DMC, like kind of a little bit with this in the sense. I don't see run DMC in just my big peach fat, bald circle head, but I, if you say it, I'll take it because anything to make me feel better about this photo. Okay. There is a hasn't run in a while DMC.

Has not run. Yeah. Yeah. There's a has not run. Thank you for the, in a while. I appreciate that. But I know it's one of those pictures you see, yeah. Yeah, there's a has and a not. Thank you for the in a while, I appreciate that. Um, but I, no, it's one of those pictures you see, if you notice you go to, and I hate to say this out loud,

but a F-U-N-E-R-A-L, and one of the pictures that's on there. Why would you want to say funeral? Because people pronounce it differently and it means something bad. Well, if you say funeral, it helps soften the blow. That's a good call. Yeah, say we're at a crazy funeral, somebody hands you a pamphlet and you see a fixture on it. Sure. It looks like that guy a lot of times like damn R.I.P. Yeah, just say a prayer. Just say a prayer for me. R.I.P. Ricky, too soon, like a lot of that kind of

spot. Yeah, that's what it looks like. It definitely looks like that. But I didn't know what they meant. Someone texted me and was like, I got to tell you something. You're sitting down. That's what they said. I said, what's up? They go, you become a meme. And I was like, what does that, what do you mean I become a meme? I know what a meme is, but what do you mean I become a meme?

And they're like, the picture of you that you hate that was on like, because I was like, this is not funny anymore. You did it till it's not funny. They used it for like seven seasons, and then it happened. And then, dude, for like one year, if I posted something, if I... And my DMs were... I couldn't get to regular messages. I couldn't see...

If you DM me, I couldn't see it. If I put something online, 800 to that face right underneath in the comments. And it was like... I thought it was funny at first, but then it was like... It's just not funny. I got to talk, I gotta, I have to communicate. I gotta use the internet. Every time I post, I can't just get that heading. You know, it's like, so I don't even know where we're going. Oh, but anyway, the Prince Herb, it was a non-alcoholic hot pink beer. And it said a corny, a corny beer for a corny mofo. If you put Prince Herb Brew, you'll see the can.

Now, this is a funny story. You'll see the can with me on it. It's a hot pink can. Like Prince Herb Brew. There it is on the left there. Oh, wow. That's a real future looking can of beer. That's cute plugging it right there.

And it said like a corny brew for a corny mofo. Now, here's the thing This is the funniest thing ever. It was unintentional, but he shipped so many of those things, right? It was hot pink and it was non-alcoholic and he shipped so many of them and what we did He wanted to get it done in time for that punishment where they pierced my ears put on the billboard So it was all part of the same punishment. Okay, so I didn't know he was doing this So after they they brought me out to Times Square, they told me I was going to become Prince Herb.

And I didn't know what they meant. And then he said, turn around. And I saw on the billboard. And then they took me inside, pierced my ears. For the whole season, I had to wear these big cubic zirconia earrings. Oh, I didn't see this. Yeah.

And then that came up. And they told me about that in the moment. So I guess in the haste to produce the beer, make a recipe of a hot pink non-alcoholic IPA, something was wrong in the measurements of the recipe. And he shipped out like, I want to say like, I don't know, hundreds and hundreds of cases, hundreds of cases. And he got word back that they were exploding. And what happened was, He got word back that they were exploding. And what happened was, if they were not refrigerated and only, or they had to stay cold and that's it.

Once they were cold, they had to stay cold. And if you didn't, if you took them out of the refrigerator, they exploded, bro. And I don't mean like they leaked, they exploded. Which is actually, in full circle, it's the funniest thing I've ever heard of in my life. Because it's like, he didn't intend it, but people started reaching out,

being like, it's exploding all over my house, my fridge, everything. Because you could also leave it out to them, put it in the fridge and explode it in the fridge. But these things were popping like grenades. My cat's wet, my kid's, yeah. Dude, so they were expanding, and so you see the metal in the bottle just like

Start to expand until the things pop like grenades and it happened to everybody and he had to give all the money You know back or whatever. I think it was to share was to charity of all two And I got I got a case of my own as it just like here Yeah, and I didn't know and I put him in the fridge right away. And then so then I had like And I didn't know and I put them in the fridge right away and then so then I had like Two cases I had 48 of those in my fridge and when I realized that they were gonna start exploding I was like, I can't I need room in the fridge is my main fridge Yeah And so my lady's like we got to get these out of here and I was like but I don't know how to get them out

Because they're gonna start exploding. Yeah, and so we took out I left two in there now right now There's only one in my fridge and it's it and it's expanded, but I put it back in time. So it's like the top is like, it's almost like a point and it's ready to explode if it loses like five degrees. But it's in like the crisper. Oh yeah, it's a safe drawer. Yeah, it's supposed to keep, you know. But we took every one of them out

and I put them in the sink in my In my I put him in the sink in my kitchen, and I just put a blanket over it dude. It was like it was like Sarajevo in that dude it after like 30. It's like 2030 minutes it was like And dude it was I mean and then part of it Exploded was hot pink sticky beer all over my kitchen. I mean, and it was scary actually. It was scary. Non-alcoholic.

It's not alcoholic. But I would try to like pop them open to preempt the blast. And so I would go and I would like, but then you'd pop them open and they would just still explode. Yeah. I got to send you a picture of the one in my fridge.

It's like, it's just two degrees away. I know it's gonna happen, but like I just, I'm keeping it for like the, what do you call it? Just like a- Like a gender reveal? No, like just a keepsake. That's what it should have been like. That would be a really funny-

You know what it sounds like these would have been great for? Is gender, gay gender, like gender reveals if your cousin was gay or your brother's gay like hey mom and dad We got an announcement to make like it out and out like yeah Yeah, like coming out coming out or yeah like a coming out reveal which I guess is a like a sexual reveal Yeah, or sir preferences reveal or something. Yeah. Yeah, uh you'd be like mom and dad. We got a yeah We want you to know something you just set one in front of them And everybody's waiting a couple minutes. It's like a Trojan horse

Really? I know but they hear that they like Danny's gay No shit, we fucking we knew he was gay and now you fucking ruin your mom's new wallpaper mom's new wallpaper. That's the problem, dude. But it's just so funny to think that they were exploding all across American people's homes unintentionally. Oh yeah, but beautiful. There's something so special about that type of thing. Sitting in your chair at home, right? You're relaxing, you're cute, right? You've made a lot of beer. You've got Prince Herb Brew just hit the, it's on the ships heading out to different homes.

And then you know it's starting to blow up and you're like, all right, things are going poorly. But you hear like, boom, like the email. Boom, boom, boom. But lucky nobody. You've got malpractice. Yeah. For real though, for real, lucky nobody got hurt.

Oh, for all. Because I'm telling you, dude, I'm telling you, the sound was like, you would go, yo, it just thought it was one can. I had 48 cans. Yeah, thank you. Baby Angel, that is so heavy. Yeah, it is heavy when that kind of stuff is going on,

when there's a dangerous product that hits the scene, I think is very scary. Kid Rock, I know made a beer, and the first batch of it was good. It was like badass beer, something it was called. And the second batch. It was called not Bud Light. Yeah, yeah.

It was called straight beer. Even though the craziest part is, he drinks Bud Light every day. You get over things, you know, it's like a bad breakup. Time will heal his Bud Light wounds. That's a good point. It did quickly, but badass. That was his beer. Badass beer, American lager. And the second batch of it, like they just made it bad like whoever made it

It was a bad beer like they messed up the recipe or so it didn't taste good tasted horrible tasted bad So yeah, he's just ass. They just got like a sharpie and like blackout bad They could sell it for what it was and then it wouldn't be like false advertising Yeah, they somebody's. Disgusting. Exactly. Somebody put ass in a can. Exactly. Yeah.

Which is so ironic, because he didn't wanna do Bud Light, but then people are like, yo, I'm eating ass. Yeah. I mess with ass. Yeah, you're like, hold on. You put that ass in my mouth. You can sit in a can of horrible ass. Yeah. But you can't support a beverage or some guy who

maybe prefers a little ass every day. Like what kind of world are we living in? But the simple fact that he had his second run of the beer, he was all fired up and then it just was, and the recipe was bad. Like I'm sorry to hear that because he's the guy who needs a break oh yeah you ever go to his like compound or oh yeah it's nutty right I know you kind of know him probably right yeah it's crazy yeah it's pretty interesting he um where was I with him I went to one of his shows he played in my sister's town a couple of weeks ago in Louisiana

okay and so I got to fly over with him he has his his own plane, so I got to go on a private plane. And then we flew over there and flew back late at night. Is he a nice dude, cool dude? He's a really sweet guy. It's not constant bad ass, right? Oh, no. Well, he's also just normal. He's a unique individual.

He's a really unique individual. But is everything bad ass? Like if he eats a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, really unique individual. But is everything badass? Like if he eats a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, is it like in a badass way? Like what is he, like when does that go away? Like you ever with him and do you ever see him weep? Oh, never weep, I don't think. Maybe, no, he like, he loves like,

Kid Rock is an interesting dude, man. He's like, he's the kind of guy, if you go do something with him, he'll send you a card or a nice picture of something y'all did together. Oh, that's so sweet. Something like that, actually. You're like that.

Sometimes, maybe I am. You are like that. You are like that. I remember when you did the cruise, actually, you sent me a gift after. Oh, I did? It was the sweetest thing. No one's ever done that.

Thanks dude. It was so nice. Sometimes I think I got so busy that I just didn't even know who I am sometimes. But then Bob also would be the, but then Kid Rock will also be the kind of guy where if you're in a car, like one night we were in a car we were leaving.

Oh you're calling Bob? Yeah I'm calling Bob. I was about to ask you like what do you call him? Yeah his real name's Bob. I know that but I didn't know if you called him. Oh yeah so I call him Bob right? right or somehow it just depends kind of but you have a calling kid I call him rock restart after time. Okay. Okay, and we can beep that up but people know what it is But oh he's the only guy I've ever been with in a car. And everybody was just chatting and having a good time.

That's wild, bro. The only guy you ever knew in the car, Kid Ron. Yeah, it just was the craziest Uber. It's like Uber Black and then Uber fucking Dirt Lord. And he comes and gets you. But he was in the car one time. He's like, hey, can we turn down the radio so we can talk about me? That's what he said.

That's what he said. Yeah. So he has this other element of like, um. Like a Kanye West thing? Yeah, it's kind of like, yeah, just a cocky thing, right? Yeah, yeah. So, and he'll be like both of those things a lot of times. But he's tongue in cheek about it?

Cocky, but he's. You can't tell a little bit sometimes. Oh, all right but he's, you can't tell a little bit sometimes. Oh, all right. All right. You can't tell a little bit. Interesting. Um, but a nice guy, like if I call, I think if I needed something, he would be willing to help out, you know? Like what level of needing something?

Like if I needed like to borrow 20 grand or something. Really? Oh, that's, that that's that's pretty good Yeah, but he's also the kind of guy like if I called him I needed something he would ain't you know I think he he's helpful. He likes to all like he helped me think about stuff. He's been through a lot, you know Yeah Have you gotten to see his like White House replica? Has he shown you that? Have you been over there through his White House? No, it's like the capital of the South

I think I was if for some reason or another, maybe there was an event going on in his compound or something. And there was an opportunity for me to go. I've never met the guy. But I didn't end up going. But I thought Tyler Perry had the White House replica. Oh, maybe he does. Oh yeah, what does Bob have? That's what Bob has. Go down one picture. Wait, is that a replica like that you can walk into or a replica like a snow globe replica? That's a replica you can walk into. The picture to the right is his home. Um, wait, the white house is his home? Yeah. Wait, he lives in a, he lives in a replica of the white

house. If that's the white house, I can't, I don't know what the white house looks like, but that looks like that. I think, Oh, then that's that. But wait, but Tyler Perry has a, I think he has a, whatever it is. He has like a compound that's like a state. In Atlanta he has it. It's like a huge statewide, like it's like 308 whatever it is. And he built a, I think a three fourth identical scale of the White House every room, like whatever.

So that they, and then he lets movie productions film there as the White House. Wow. Did you not hear about that? I didn't know that at all. Is that not a wild endeavor to have somebody rebuild the White House. Wow. Did you not hear about that? I didn't know that. Is that not a wild endeavor to have somebody Rebuild the White House at 3 4th scale to look at that meticulously Well, it's like people are like hey does media like what really runs America?

And if you don't think it's media the fact that somebody rebuild a White House somewhere else, right and is using it It's wild. Yeah, it's media and it's Duncan. Yeah. Oh, yeah It's definitely Duncan, dude Get ready for puck drop at bet MGM an official sports betting partner of the National Hockey League bet MGM calm for terms and conditions must be 19 years of age or older to wager Ontario only Please play responsibly if you have any questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you please contact Connex Ontario at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge. BenMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario.

Hey fellas, I'm going to need you to blink if you haven't purchased a Father's Day gift yet. Yep, we thought so. Today's episode is brought to you by Manscaped, the leaders in below the waist grooming. Maybe your pops has had a brush since the 70s, and that's okay. But our friends at Manscaped have crafted the total package for his special day. Whether it's for the boys downstairs, his beard, or even the best pair of underwear out there,

Manscaped has his bases covered. Head over to manscaped.com and get 20% off and free shipping with code Theo. You know that beard trimmer that your dad's been using since you were in grade school? Yeah, it probably needs upgrading. Introducing the Beard Hedger Pro Kit, the complete beard maintenance kit

for all the bearded kings. This Father's Day is also the perfect time for your old man to stop stealing his wife's nail clippers and finally have a kit of his own that will last him a lifetime. Get 20% off in free shipping with code theo at manscaped.com. That's 20% off with free shipping at manscaped.com and use code theo.

Never forget where you came from. If you know what I mean. Happy Father's Day from Manscaped. You know there's an old Abe Lincoln quote that says, good things come to those who wait. That's true. That's actually only part of the quote. The full quote is good things come to those who wait, but only the things left by those who hustle. That's right. Well, if you're a business owner and want the best people on your team, the same applies.

Thankfully, ZipRecruiter puts the hustle in your hiring so you can find qualified candidates fast. And now you can try it for free at ziprecruiter.com slash t-h-e-o. That's right, ZipRecruiter has a smart technology that finds top talent for your roles or your positions right away. Immediately after you post your job on ZipRecruiter, their matching technology starts showing you qualified people for it. So if you need someone and you know what you want them to be able to do, you post that and ZipRecruiter does the rest. Let ZipRecruiter give you the hiring hustle you need.

See why four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Just go to ziprecruiter.com slash T-H-E-O to try it for free. Again, that's ziprecruiter.com slash Theo. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. So a sweet thing that my girl always talks about is, one time we hung out in the city or whatever,

and then like a couple weeks later or whatever, you left me a message and I played for her that she didn't forget, and this is a long time ago, but you were like, hey, you know, hey you guys, I just wanted to give you call see how you're doing. Like I was just you were in my heart today is what you said I'll never forget that line. He said you guys were in my heart today And I just I just figured I give you a call to see how you're doing. Oh, I played that for her She she's she already loved you, but she was like, you know, I forgot that it's just such a gentle sweet thing to To call to see how we're doing just in a general sense But then to say it like that. It was like guys

That's that's I love you, buddy. You're you're you're such a big heart. Yeah. Thanks, dude. Yeah, I think I just have a tough time Remembering sometimes that I'm a decent guy. Is that true? Yeah, why I think I just have a tough time I don't know why I think I have a forgetter I just have this like I have this forgetter inside of me. You can stray from like what you know yourself to be. Like you just kind of have ebbs and flows about how you feel about yourself. No, just like a reminder.

It's like, I almost feel like, like I'll forget that people know that I care about them, right? I feel like it's this constant thing you have to remind people about or they don't know it. It's like I didn't understand that if you care about somebody, then they will just know that you care about them and that sometimes it's okay to like kind of show it or express it, but it doesn't have to be something that you have to like remind people of all the time. like kind of show it or express it, but it doesn't have to be something that you have to like remind people of all the time. Yeah.

And I don't know what that was. I think it's gotten a little bit better as I've gotten older, but I think, yeah, I think for a while, I just didn't know. Like I would. You felt the need to be expressive. Like you actually, it would be on your mind to make sure you would have to express it.

Right. Because then you thought that they wouldn't know, people wouldn't feel it from you or something. Yeah, yeah. Like as if your feelings weren't real to people. Alright. Or something. Yeah. Like if I seem like I had a nice time, I don't know if they knew it or not.

Okay. And so I need to make sure that they knew that I had a nice time. Or if I was thinking about somebody I needed to I guess let them know maybe or like that if a time meant something to me I don't know when some of that's kind of normal, but I think I had this uh, I don't know I can't explain it exactly, you know, I I'm I am that way but I'm that way like not because I need people to know, but because I just, not need or want,

well, I want them to know, you know, but not because I think that they don't know if I don't tell them, but that's the way I grew up with my family and just how I am. Like, I never want to miss a chance to tell someone, you know, anything that I'm thinking about them, that I admire them, that I love them, that like, you know, any little thing, I'm just, I, that I admire them, that I love them, that like, you know, any little thing,

I'm just, I don't hold anything back like that. Wow. But it's the best. Yeah, you're good about that too. It helps me too because I, like, I, it makes me feel good to tell somebody that I love them, or that I care for them, or that I'm thinking of them, or I admire them, or they're, you know,

anything nice, you know, like I, when I greet people and when I say goodbye, it's just like, or anything, like I just, know. That's, that's just the way I am. I don't think, I, I, I don't think I could be another way really. I, you know, and you couldn't be, you are trapped being a nice guy, but that's what I'm saying. Like I feel that from you. Yeah. I think I just get like, I just like am self-torn in it a lot of times, but, but yeah, no, you always seem like the, yeah, you seem like just like a little campfire that's allowed to be inside of people's homes, you know?

That's, that's, that's a, is that the first time you ever said that? Yeah, yeah. Really? You just conjured that metaphor up, that in? Well, I'm thinking- I know you're good with words, man. I know that you are the person that,

you're the person I know the most that will say a phrase that I've never heard before. I mean, off the top of your head, man, I mean, you're one of my genius friends. You have a way with words, but that's such a good, that's like, that's merch. You're a campfire that's allowed indoors. Yeah.

Well, no, now you switch it. You're a campfire that's allowed indoors seems like a rule. I think it's like you're a campfire in people's homes was the sentiment. Oh, yeah. It's two different seems like a rule. I think it's like you're a campfire in people's homes was the sentiment. It's two different things, you know? Well, I'll have to go back and see exactly what we said, but you're a warm soul, man.

We need those. You are, that's a great, that's what you are. Yeah, yeah. But I appreciate that. When I was a kid, I didn't, I remember like my kid, I used to write postcards all the time to my kids that weren't born yet. Like, because I wanted them to know that I was thinking about them.

Like if that's kind of crazy. That's unreal, man. Yeah. I think when I was a kid I didn't know if my parents were thinking about me or whatever. And so I always grew up with this like uncertainty about it, I think. And so I didn't even remember this. My roommate from when I was like 20 was like, dude, you got these postcards. You used to send them to yourself. Send them to your kids. You put like unborn kids or something on it. You put postage.

Yeah. Oh, I'd send them. I'd put them in the mail. They'd be from like other places I was doing comedy at or something. Really? And he goes, and you would just say like, Hey kids, I haven't,

I didn't meet your mother in this city or whatever. Like just saying what's up like, hey kids, I haven't, I didn't meet your mother in this city or whatever, like, just saying what's up. I've wrote, I've written, I did that one time for, you know, I did that once. And wrote something to your future children? Yes, I did, yes, one time, but like, yeah, I did that. That's, did you really do that? Yeah, I swear to God.

Oh, that's awesome, man, that's awesome. It was crazy also, like, cause I remember my roommate would be like, uh, Do you have them? I think I probably had because aren't you gonna send me like nine or ten of them because then when you have a kid I'll give them to them. Yeah, but it was it was it like like you were just like Jokey like I don't know if i'm gonna meet your mother here or was it like hey one day When I am a dad or when I am your I hope to do like it was it was it like what was the angle?

I think sometimes I'd put in a little joke, you know, but it was like hey unborn unborn Children But it was for you were being silly. No, I was being serious. Okay. Okay. Yeah, I didn't realize at the time like now I'm a I have a better understanding of like how the exchange of Like of like how the exchange of emotions, I guess, a little bit more than it, yeah. At the time I just didn't know.

I think it went from when I was a kid, I didn't know if my parents were thinking of me or whatever. And so I was like, I wanna make sure my kids know I'm thinking of them. That's heavy. But then I'd be like, yeah, sometimes it would be fun. I'd put something funny on there. Like I didn't meet your mother. Or I hope I didn't meet your mother in this.

Yeah, you gotta throw a little, it's got heart and humor. Oh, yeah. Yeah, we put some funny stuff in there. You just reminded me of this when I was younger, like one of my first girlfriends that I like was serious with as a kid, like my first love kind of thing, that kind of thing. Oh, yeah. And so I thought, like I was gonna marry her. Like it was like, we did it for years as kids, like 15, 16 to like 20, 21, something like that. No way. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And so I really thought I was gonna marry her, like our families were close. Of course. And we said we were gonna and I wanted to and stuff. It didn't end well, but, so I did this thing. I wrote her a letter when I the first time I knew that I I was like in love with her you know it was like not that far into our relationship let's say a year not maybe a year and we ended up

dating like five six years and I wrote her a letter to propose to her tell her I wanted to marry her and like how I felt to her, to tell her I wanted to marry her and how I felt about her, and to be like, I feel this way now, and I know one day this is gonna happen, but I just wanna let you know that I've been feeling it from right now. And then I mailed it to myself,

and it was postmarked, and it was sealed. And so I was like, when I propose to her one day, I'm gonna give her the letter and let her open it, and just have the postmark date on it from all the way back then That's romantic. Yeah, I don't know why or how I thought of that But I did and I did it and I didn't propose I did the letter and everything like, you know five years later We broke up or whatever, you know

I would call it was on her Let's just you know, whatever I was No, I was on her like it was you know, whatever right we broke God bless, you know, but I was going. Yeah, it's probably on me. No, it was on her. It was, you know, whatever. Right. We broke up. God bless. You know, but we're kids. But I remember, too, because it was like, oh my god, dude, it was the worst timing. It was like a little bit after Christmas, I think,

or her birthday. And I had gotten, now dude, this is, oh god, what time? This was the 90s. It was like the- Would you get a jet ski or something? It was like- No, that would be great. A jet ski, I was like, no, it was like 20.

No, it was like the 90s. It must have been like 96, 97 maybe, something like that, right? Oh yeah. Rent, Rent was the huge Broadway musical. It was like the, do you know Rent? Remember Rent? And you were dating a woman?

No, not even the Broadway musical was. Oh, you're from New York, I forget about this. Yeah, I mean, I've been going to plays and music, no, but that's the thing, right? Oh yeah, yeah, Rent, yes. They have everything from like the Lion King to them. You got the golden ticket. That's exactly the right one.

And you know, like now, like how it's like, who's the hot ticket of the president? Oh, Hamilton. Yeah, yeah, it was like that, right? Then, and I spent $300, and she wanted to see this thing, and I spent, back then, do you know, I was 19, 20, whatever, $300, if you were just for inflation now, it's like,

It's one-tenth of your salary. Yeah, it was like $20,000 like 20 30 thousand dollars. Oh, yeah maybe more and I got these things and I I surprised her with them and It was that night and I called her on the phone and I said to her I Got these tickets the rent tickets tickets, you know, whatever, like I got these, like it's something she wanted

to see for so long, it felt like it was like unattainable because it was so expensive. Oh yeah, wow. And I got, I remember it, I was like, I told her I was gonna surprise her with something. And so I got ready, I like had it on a button down shirt, like I got like all nice, because I was gonna pick her up and drive there

and go see rent. And so I got all ready and I called her and I told her I was gonna pick her up, and then I told her, I was like all nice because I was gonna pick her up and drive there and go see rent. And so I got all ready and I called her and I told her I was gonna pick her up and then I told her I was like, you know, we're gonna, I got, like, I get to see rent. And this wasn't the only time this happened because it was like rocky toward the end, like broke up, got back, broke up, came back,

but she broke up with me on the phone. No. The, like, a few hours before rent. And I was like, I was, I mean, like a few hours before rent. And I was like, I was, I mean, I was devastated, dude. Right, this is worse than the gout, dude. And this was like the gout in my body, the whole body, like a gout heart, I had gout heart, merch. That's a subsection of the gout merch.

There's gonna be a gout tab. I have gout in your heart. I have gout in your heart. I have gout in my heart. Dude, my heart needed crutches, right? And I'm bawling crying. I'm bawling crying. And what borough were you in? I was in Staten Island.

Oh, thank God. Okay, and then. Thank God. Thank God. So rent is now at eight o'clock. It's like 3.30. And I was like, I spent my life savings on these tickets. So dude, I got in my old beat up car, all dressed up, and I drove to the theater crying. I paid to park. Sorry. I was laughing about something else. No, no, no, no, please. You know, I

know you would never laugh at this. And, um, dude, I, but you know, when you, when you cry so hard that you look like you got punched in the face, dude, like, like out, like my eyes were like, like I look like the photo of me that became a meme. Like I wasn't that heavy, but my face just blew up. Like I was, when you cry so hard that it looks like you got straight up punched in the eyes. That's how I got out of the car. And my goal was not to see rent. I couldn't do it. I've never seen it.

I was too, I'll tell you, and I never saw a sleep assistant in Seattle because she ended up going on a date with a guy who took her to see sleep assistant in Seattle and it broke my heart. And so I never saw it to this day. I mean, a Nora Ephron classic. Tom actually would think I would see it. I still to this day, now I would see it now, doesn't bother me, but I just, I kinda like think it's fun that I haven't.

But, and then I was like, how do I, so then I was like, I gotta scalp these, because I couldn't eat the tickets, and I wasn't gonna go with sitting there next to a blank, next to an empty seat and cry through rent. So I'm standing outside, I'm like 19 years old, my face is puffed out, I still have, I'm crying there, I'm crying trying to scalp.

I had two rent tickets in my hand. I was in a black button down shirt, I was crying, and people were going into rent and I was like, excuse me, and let me tell you something, those scalpers, I give them respect, because people don't even wanna, they don't give you the time of day. Wow.

You know, I was a young kid. I was dressed respectfully. I'm right in front. I got two tickets in hand. I'm not going to kill you. I'm not going to run. They, it was like, Crip tonight. Is that something? Sick person. Yeah, Crip tonight. They were all Superman. Yeah. And I'm crying. And what's also probably in hindsight looked really weird. Like here's a young boy crying. Yeah. You know, right in front. Like here's a young boy crying, you know,

right in front of me. Right outside. And just saying, I'll give them to you for 280 instead of 300. Like I don't even know if that was a deal or not. Dude, it was so sad. And then what I ended up doing was after it was like, everyone rejected me and it was like,

almost start, gonna begin. And I was like, now I'm like, I didn't know what to do if I lost that kind of money. You know, like I was like, it would have been so sad. So I went to the box office and I pleaded with them. And I just said, my girl, I said everything. I was talking to the box office lady. She was like 80. I was like telling her my life story.

I'm like, she broke up over the phone. I was like, I'm keeping this a secret. You know, like. And she goes, all right, here's what I'll do. I'm not supposed to do this. She's like, but the next people that walk up to buy tickets because it was sold out she's like I'll refer them to you whatever and these two women walked up and she referred him to me and I don't know I don't remember exactly

what I got for him and it wasn't full price but I I was able to unload those and did you feel any better after you sold them? No, no, not at all. I didn't see rent. I took a hit on the money and she was still gone. And where'd you park? Let me tell you something. In that area, there's a lot of parking garages nearby. So I wasn't too far, but they get you.

That's what I was saying. You go to a Broadway show, it's like maybe a four hours total. It's like $80 now. That's rent. That's rent. Yeah, like, you go to a Broadway show, it's like maybe a four hours total, it's like $80 now. That's rent. That's rent. Yeah, they charge you rent. They do. It's insane.

So anyway, so after she broke up with me, I told her. About the letter. About the letter. Oh, yeah, I would do that kind of stuff. Just show how romantic I am. It wasn't spiteful or anything. No, no, no, no, just like, I was like, but you don't understand,

like from five years ago, I thought, you know, like I can't believe this. And I guess she was, I guess she, I don't remember her exact, I think she was moved by it. She must've been moved by it. I had to really think on it. Cause I know I told her, but I just gotta,

I can't call the moment. It's been so long since I spoke about this. Oh yeah. But check this out. About, I call it three, two, three years later, I was in the workforce now. I was out of college, so was she. And I used to work at Prudential Securities. And I was at a desk, right? I had like a, out of college. So was she. I mean, and I was, uh, I used to work at Prudential Securities and I was at a desk, right?

I had like a, at a college, you know, and, uh, I got an email from her and, uh, she said, can you give me a call or whatever? At her office. So I called her and she goes, Hey, listen, I just want you to know, um, there was this, there was this site called, I think it was called daily candy. I guess it was like a daily blog or whatever. I don't know what it was about. She said, and they were doing a contest where you submit the most, if you're married,

submit your engagement story and the most romantic would win. And she goes, and so I submitted what you did for me. She didn't send my letter in, but she told the whole story. But as we, as if we got married, because you had to be the married person. So, you know, so she said, I said that I have married and this is what my, you know, what my, how my husband proposed and she won the contest and they gave her a $5,000 shopping spray. And she called me up and said, do you want to split it? Do you want like to do some of the shopping spree with me? And I was like, no, I don't want

to, I don't want to do that. Half the shopping spree. I was like, like, I don't want to do it half the shopping spree. I was like, I don't think I was, I wasn't like I was still like mad, but I was still hurt. You know, and I was like, you know what it was? I was more like, that's fucked up actually. Yeah. Like you didn't experience this. Right. We didn't experience it.

Like I was, I thought we were gonna, we didn't, we didn't and now you're profiting off of it. It's a lie dude i was like you just like if you i mean how like wouldn't you not want to do that because like you you you broke up with me yeah so why use that story and and she won wouldn't you know because of your work yeah and i was like no you take it you know and on but in my head I was like, I think it's kind of messed up that you submitted that. Yeah. At least from you know for me to hear it. Oh yeah. It hurts a little bit. Oh. But that's a letter I wrote to the future you know you know.

You're romantic. You're a romantic South. I was a very um. Salvatore. How can you not be romantic with that name? Salvatore. God, it's romantic. Yeah. Is y'all's family full Italian? Half. Yeah. Me and my dad is Italian. My mom is Puerto Rican and Cuban.

Oh, wow. Yeah. I don't know if you want to add this in there, but it looks like you spent about the equivalent of $720 in 2024. Yeah, maybe just pull that chart up. How are you adjusted? Yeah, maybe just pull that chart up. You adjusted?

Let's adjust the value of the rent tickets and your love at the time. 1990? When was it? 90? It was 90s. I'm going to call it 96. Okay. $300 and then now $600. Yep. It's not jump chains, man. And then how much was $5,000? I guess double, right, it'd be 10,000. Yeah.

Right, the shopping spree she won. I mean, that's basically, can this keep the same, right? Yeah, even if it was two or three years later, yeah, pretty close. So we're double. We're basically 28 years later, we are double. Wow. We doubled up.

I remember, like, I broke up with my girlfriend and then I tried to learn, like, she was like learning French or something So I try to learn French on like three weeks or whatever and like I just how'd you do that? Rosetta Stone or like I got a book or something. It was like Merle's French or something and So I start learning and my parents like what are you doing? Like you just learn an individual words That is that's not teaching you syntax or anything. Is it it's not teaching you like grammar grammar

Look, homie. I was crying in my backyard smoking Newport's. Okay Just like We like I couldn't think of another French word but like like that yet You end up going to her and be like I learned French like the guy Like I will use For I love that I love the idea like this will get her back. Oh, that's what I thought drop some pepper I made up like this story about us going like sailing

or something, I made this like little sailboat. Like dude, it was, the whole thing was so. We how old are you? Huh? Oh, 10. I thought it was crazy. A story about you guys sailing. Who knows, dude.

I don't remember what happened, dude. There was a lot of different things going on in the area at the time. But I do remember, oh, this is so good. dude, there was a lot of different things going on in the area at the time. Oh, this is so gay. G-A-Y. I don't want to say it, but actually gay dudes don't even do that kind of shit. This is like kind of Shakespearean sadness. But then I remember, dude, I hitchhiked.

So I went to a sailing thing in Biloxi, Mississippi, right? And my ex-girlfriend had moved up to Charleston, South Carolina. And when I'm there, there's some guys that were there who were from the sailing team at College of Charleston. So I told my friend who I went there with, I was like, I, these guys said they'll give me a ride to Charleston. I'm gonna roll with them, right and She's like what and I was like, yeah, she's like we're in Biloxi. She's like, it's like a 10-hour drive I was like, I know but I Gotta wait. So you hitched a ride to Biloxi. I hit the ride Charleston sailors I hit star to Charleston from Biloxi. Oh, okay. So I'm very so in so in Biloxi, via Charleston sailors. I hitched a ride to Charleston from Biloxi. Oh, okay.

So I met, so in Biloxi I meet some people that are sailing from Charleston. I hitch a ride back to Charleston with these guys that I met. You're like the mom in Home Alone, like driving with John Candy in the Polka Bell. You're like, I gotta get there. I gotta see my son.

Bro, I end up, we pull up there like 1 a.m. probably in a Charleston. I end up, I knew her, my ex-girlfriend, this is I think a crime, but I knew where she lived, I go to her place, I'm on the porch of her home petting somebody's cat out there and thank God a floodlight came on and kind of like knocked me into my senses. I wasn't going to go inside or anything. I was just like seeing where she lived. Oh, she doesn't know you were there? Yeah, I don't know. Oh, you didn't announce yourself?

It was one of you. But we, then you, did you made a U-turn? You saw her the next day? I went back to those guys' place and crashed on their couch for a couple of days. And then she and I finally met up like a week later. She did not want to see me. Okay, but your intention was to see her and you saw her I saw her a week later So you post at the time? I was a scope You posted up in Charleston for like I ended up staying there for like six months

So then we kind of fell out of each other and then I had yeah, then you just Had a great time loved it there of each other and then I had yeah yeah I had a great time loved it there yeah you I think I stayed there for a year are you like a nomad you're wrong from place to place in search of food and water I could have at the time and then once podcasting started I had to be in a place that it had to be more substantial but this but you know my math is off once podcasting is all but you pre podcast you felt like you could be where you could wherever you set your bags You know, but before that, my math is off. Once podcasting, oh, but you pre podcast, you felt like you could,

you could wherever you set your bags down. Yeah, I was a little. I could never do that. Really? No, I'm the opposite, man. I wish I could. I wish I could, I go on vacation. Yeah.

That's about it. I can't, I can't, I don't know, man. I'm so rooted and it's something I'm working on in therapy. I have attachments. I have, you know, it's something I'm working on in therapy. I have attachments. I have a, you know, I don't know. I don't like change and I have attachments and stuff and I just can't pick up and leave like that. I can't relocate.

I feel like anchored to where I'm from. I don't know if it's a good thing, you know. But I don't know if it's a bad thing though. Yeah, yeah. You know, to know, yeah, it's like, cause you have so much joy and love. There's something you can go to another place and, I don't know if it's a bad thing though. Yeah, yeah. You know, to know, yeah, it's like, cause you have so much joy and love there, sometimes you can go to another place and, I don't know.

And also at the time I was younger, it was easier to do that kind of stuff. Yeah, yeah, that's true for sure. Do you remember your first girlfriend, like a kid, like, I guess not a kid. Oh yeah. Yeah, my first real girlfriend wasn't that, till that, till 15, but I remember like being a little kid.

I remember, I used to live in this, like these garden apartments, and so like, I mean from like, grammar school, that kind of age, like so I was little, like from like zero to, you know, whatever, like 10. And it was in its own complex. So all the kids from all the buildings,

we all grew up together, and we were there young enough so that we were allowed to be, because all the buildings like were surrounded surrounded like a courtyard parking lot pool, like in the middle. And so like our parents were like, you can hang out anywhere in the, in the property, you can go out of the property, which was kind of cool because we had more, um, autonomy than we should have at that age. Cause you were kind of caged in. Right. But, but then, you know, yeah, so it's kind of cool.

But yeah, but we all grew up together there. And I must have been I'll call it like like fifth grade, maybe. Yeah. And it was summer. Yeah. We had a pool, a pool area there for the presence. Right. And I remember like it was just one of those summers where we were talking about before how, like when you were a kid, time went so slow,

which I wanted to touch on that, cause I have a theory about that. Because if you took away your phone and your internet and your car, you know what I'm saying? And you didn't have a job, and then you just had to find time in the day, like you basically reduce yourself to the options you had then.

I think that we could slow time in a way, you know what I mean? Time is, it only gets faster and faster. It's burning for me right now. But like, you know, get up at eight, go outside, come back in at six, you know, and then see how long the days feel. And I've been having such a hard time with how fast I think life is going right now, especially because I hit an age where like I'm for the first time I see my, I look older. That's the first time it registered with me.

You don't, you feel it until you feel it and then it's too late. Yeah. And then my parents, you know, I see them, you know, and so like for me right now, I'm going through that and like really like I'm having that like existential thing going on. And so I've been given this thought and I was like, why did time feel so slow back then? You know, and I, you know, I thought, I was, I, I like daydreaming, but I was like, why did time feel so slow back then? And I thought to myself, I like, not daydreaming, but I'm literally like, I wanna just do a thing where I like, just stop working, and then just like, don't use the internet.

And I just wanna like get up and go out and just spend my days like I was if I was a kid. Like try that for like a month and just see if it feels like everything just slows down. Yeah. And what that does to my psyche and my day to day and you know, I really want to like, but anyway, that's, I mean, I really do feel like it was like, I remember just being like you came back at six o'clock, I felt like you went on a pilgrimage and that was daily, you know what I mean?

Yeah. And you really are much more in touch with yourself, you know, and you're really spending really are much more in touch with yourself. And you're really spending this quality time with these kids all day long. And it's just like, I don't know, man. It just was like. Oh, things had more value then for sure

because you did them, you experienced them. Now we consume so many experiences and just have less of them, I think. And to the point that. Everything's on to, I think. And to the point, um, that... Everything's on to... I mean, it's just buzzed, buzzed, but next thing, next thing, a point, we call this that, you know, and it's just, it's just nonstop, you know? Oh, the times where you would sit, I remember just laying in my bed, just like thinking about a girl or something that didn't even exist.

Thinking. Yes. Yeah, just laying there thinking. Yeah, no, who's thinking? Name 30 people that are thinking. Right. Right now. It's probably not.

I don't think anyone is really. Everybody is reacting. Just sitting down thinking. I daydream about just getting, I just want to move to the country. Not even like a remote part. I want a porch. And I want to sit on the porch all day long and think. That's what I wanna do.

I swear to God, dude, I've come this close to almost doing that and just leaving this life, like this career life, or just like, dude, or just at least going like six months on, six months off. Like I grew up in the city. You really think you could? I don't know, but I'm romanticizing it right now. I grew up in this city and like oh I have six jobs

You know like you you know, I mean it's a hustle what we you know If you hustle you have to hustle you know, I mean, it's just like I don't know like I'm just so tired of like Even when I do allow myself like all right up the afternoon like the morning I'm not gonna look at my phone or like if I fight let's say I go away on vacation You know if I do and it's like three or four days and I'm like, I want to stay off the grid. I have this anxiety of all the things that people are waiting on answers for that are piling up.

That's what might be important or like, God forbid someone needs my help or like, you know, whatever. And that when I get back, I think about the hole I'm gonna have to dig out that, cause it's keep, it's piling up and I can't even enjoy the off the grid days because I'm like, I'm going to get slaughtereded if I don't at least mitigate it a little while I'm on vacation right when I come back I can't dig out of it dude I don't know how you are but right now look how many text messages I have unanswered right

there oh my gosh that's insane look at the miss calls oh my god I can't live like this you got that too right you't possibly. I just changed my number, dude. I know because I was texting you. And I was like, oh shit, the only thing getting back to me. The other day, who is the worst part? Some kid the other day sends a thing. I guess he got my phone number, right? So he's like some guy from Berlin or somewhere, some other country, maybe Africa, he gets my number. He's like, I got a burner phone for three weeks. It must be Theo Vonn's phone number. He's like, so far I've talked to MGK and Jordan Peterson.

That's what he said. Cause people were texting him. Texting him. He just thought it was still me. No shit, dude. I just forgot to tell. I literally told probably 15 people closest to my life. And then I was like, I'm going to shut my life down.

I just couldn't handle anything anymore. I so understand you. Cause you know, you know, I will tell you though, cause that, cause when I went to text you last, I like, you know, whenever it was like a few, a couple of months ago, whatever, what it was there was the last time I texted you. And I guess in the interim you read and I was looked at it and it was a voice note. And I was like, oh, and I just, I played,

it was a while back, but I played it. And it was like this voice note I left you that was like, kind of like, it was like, not sentimental, but it was like- Nice message. Yeah, it was like a message, like kind of like the one you left me. Yeah.

Like I'm thinking about you, I just, you know, I hope you're doing well, man Like I'm always like, you know, I know you're always on the go Like I just it was like, you know whole and I listened to it I started cracking up cuz I was like I forgot I was like you didn't even answer that No, but I'm like but not cuz you didn't answer cuz I was like, look, I haven't answered 200 You know, I mean, but I was like, oh shit, dude. That's like so funny I gotta tell him that and then you when you change your number I was like, oh, he never even he never probably even got it never got it. Yeah, but it's alright

Yeah, that's the worst part. The world knows I left like the I left it. I left that message. Thanks. So now you know, yeah Some kid in Berlin is probably decoding No, but uh, oh no, so I live in this compound, right? So that summer everybody was like, everybody had like crushes and getting girlfriends and stuff. Like all my friends. Pressure suddenly. Yeah, like, and that's like young kind of like Sandlot kind of thing, kind of. Oh yeah. You know what I mean?

And you'd hear like, Samantha likes Randy. First of all, I didn't know who Samantha was. Right. And I didn't know who fucking Randy was. Right. And when I found out, I could tell you right now Randy didn't deserve some But even if I didn't even know who they were if I just heard that sentence Samantha likes Randy I was like Oh my god, we gotta get somebody to like us. Yeah, dude I felt so left out and so I was I got to the point where I went up to the went up in it was midday the pools open all day, it was midday. And I just felt like I was trying to like, midday, midday.

I went up and I was like sad. And my mom was like, what's the matter? I'm not sure what grade I was in. Yeah, it was probably about fourth or fifth, fifth. And I actually was like, everybody's got girlfriends. Like nobody likes me. I was like crying and stuff. And I'm like, I don't know and she's like what's a man? I'm like now every boy that's a girlfriend. I'd have a girlfriend or whatever. I'll never get my mom did she's so sweet

I gotta remind her of this. I don't know. She even knows this or remember this so I was crying So she comforted me and she's like you can you can get a girlfriend too You just didn't meet that, you know the right girl yet or whatever and I'm like, yeah But he I was named if he'll like Matt has a girlfriend Jason has a girlfriend and I'm like they're out there like and nobody likes me and she's like you can get a girlfriend She's like we're gonna get you a girlfriend So she makes me put on it like a nice outfit right then in the middle of day in the summer that day I remember what I put on I put on like I put on these great dark gray jeans. Yeah

Capizio There's's a black leather shoes that Michael Jackson used to wear. Capizios? I think they were called capizios. Bring them up. Bring them up. And I got those because I was obsessed with Michael Jackson. So I had capizios.

These were like special day, like Easter shoes. So I put on my Easter capizios. I put on like dark gray. And I put on this like mock white, like cream turtleneck shirt. Oh my god, this gets worse, huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But also better.

Yeah, yeah. So and then I put jewelry on, you know. Oh yeah. And so I didn't really have jewelry. And so my mom gave me like a gold chain of hers. And I put on my mom's gold chain and she put, she's like, you're going to go out, you're going to dress up. So I put on this outfit, I put on a whole gold chain. She sprays me with her perfume because I didn't have cologne.

She's like, we'll cologne. And she's like, look, it's like cologne. And she's like, put on whatever she had. I don't know. I would guess I was wearing like Chanel or whatever the hell. I don't even know what it was. And she gave me five bucks. And she's like, when the ice cream man comes, you just go up to a girl that you like, ask if you want to know to buy her ice cream or whatever like that and my mom sent me out I went out with like women's cologne my mom's chain five dollars and capesios and I was like just circling the pool area like looking

for a girlfriend oh yeah wow it's so romantic and that's how you end up being a pimp basically yeah that's basically how I end up being a pimp yeah gosh dude that that's basically how I ended up being a pimp. Yeah, gosh, dude That's so romantic. I ended up buying five girls five ice creams and then they were in my stable after that I whip them with the No, it's pretty sad now that I think about it. Yeah, but it's real what a sweet thing Mom the mom was beautiful. That's great. Yeah. Yeah, it is. You're right. It is beautiful But I really felt sad then. That was like the foreshadowing of like the feeling

I had with the rent. Yeah. Yeah, I was, I don't know, my best friend got all the girls when we were like kids or whatever, so I'd always be like running the notes for him and that sort of guy, you know? But you are popular with the ladies. I started getting dates probably later in high school.

Yeah. You know, I got a girlfriend pretty quick. Yeah. But then I always kind of felt, you always kind of feel a certain way though. I was kind of too sentimental I think at times and shit. I don't know. But you don't think like,

women didn't, girls didn't like respond to your, you have a gentle way about you Nope, no, they weren't into that really they would like a tougher guy, you know It was just like young southern kind of you know, there wasn't a lot of like, you know there was like the drama, you know, there was like Yeah, it was just You know, it wasn't bad, but it just wasn't like I Mean I remember when I was younger they locked me in this room with this girl.

She had a chipped tooth pretty badly. Yeah, she had that, that Lloyd Chris a little bit. Yeah, that's bad. That's bad. It's a lot for a kid. I chipped my tooth on a Miller Highlife once, making a joke. I went to take a swig on it for comedic effect

and I hit it and I chipped my tooth. I chipped like a swig on it for comedic effect and I hit it and I chipped my tooth. I chipped like, I would call it less than 5%. And I couldn't, that's the only thing I looked at when I looked at my face for a decade after that. So a third. Dude, I remember one time somebody came in the room, I think I was either jerking off or just pretending I was jerking off, right? And I went like that and chipped my own tooth. What room? Huh? What room?

A room in your home or a room in like school? What do you mean someone came in the room? No, no, no, yeah, a room in a home. My home or somebody else's home. Okay. And... Well, that's fascinating if you felt comfortable to masturbate in someone else's home.

And I went like that and then fucking, so now. Where you chipped on your dick? Oh, I... Where did you chipipped on your dick? Oh, I. Where did you chip it on? I just chipped on the bottom tooth. Just, I just like. Your tooth chipped your own tooth? Yeah, I was so.

Oh my God, it's like a civil war in your mouth. Yeah, and then I was like, and I was just like. Did you stay the course? No way, dude. I'm not crazy. You think I'm jerking off with a chipped tooth? No, that would be crazy.

It's just the fact that you were in someone else's house. Like I'm some kind of homeless person? Ha ha ha ha. Hell no, dude. I only jerk myself off if I have a fucking. You weren't good enough for yourself after you chipped it. No, I'm like, I ain't jerking off. I mean, you do it feverishly then, yeah.

This guy with a chipped tooth. You're a spirited masturbator then I don't know you're chipping teeth. Oh, that's it. Well, I think I was just shy like so shocked that somebody had come in the room You know, I don't remember exactly. I'm not chipped my teeth a lot over the years. Really? Yeah Well the microphone you hit those a lot Oh, I hate that and that'll bounce them and people can hear that too and they're all like I've done it I haven't chipped but I've done and every every time I hit it I go, oh no. And I feel it right there because I'm like, please no.

But wait, so what happened with the girl? It's the one third. Oh yeah, people locked us in a room and made us kiss each other or whatever and we're kids. I don't remember if we kissed or not. I think we did. People? Like neighbors, other kids, you know. Oh, other kids.

Because I was going to say this is bordering on something that sounds not good. Yeah, you know, it was all on the up and up. No, nothing like sexual, just like they, you know, you better get in there and kiss you little queers or whatever they would call us. Right. You know, and then we had another family, this Protestant. But she was a girl. Oh, yeah, she was a girl. And they still called you queers.

And her brother. I guess that's a tough town. Yeah, it was just, and she had a short haircut too. Okay, okay. And you had a long one. Yeah, and people were like, Now it's making sense now. Like, you gay kids better one. Yeah, and people are like. Now it's making sense now. Like you gay kids better get in there.

You know? But, and then what else was there? Any good love stories and everything? We had a lady that would always be drunk and her husband I think was gone or missing or whatever. And she would like be just drinking and laying on her Corvette, just like. This was an older lady, like a Miss Robinson type of deal?

Yeah, trying to be like all sexy out there. Like neighborhood, old lady. Like, yeah, oh wow. I like this vet, huh? She would just be saying that to nobody, and we're like, what is this lady doing, dude? And she was like, I think kind of a tramp or whatever. But then we had this other guy,

he was kind of like a homoerotic kid or whatever. And he might've been like a young man, but he would always like, it was unclear. We would do like the Navy in his, they had like a big bathtub and he would have us pretend like we're in the Navy or whatever and like swim around in his tub or whatever.

But he wouldn't do anything, he was just like an older kid and he had like used hairspray and stuff. So he was like, I think he didn't know that if he was gay or whatever, but he wouldn't do anything. He was just like an older kid and he had like used hairspray and stuff. So he was like, I think he didn't know that if he was gay or not, but he was gay, you know? And he would have us do the Navy or whatever at his house. How do you do the Navy? Huh?

How do you do the Navy? You just swim until somebody yells and fucking throws something at you. How many kids are in the tub? Probably three kids. And were you in, were you clothed? I mean it was bumper to bumper in there. There's not a lot of room in a tub, you know. I think we had our underpants on or something.

It was submarine, it was like a submarine. Yeah, yeah, it was like, yeah. It was like buds or whatever. I don't know what that thing is that guys go through. But yeah, a lot of just... Just some Navy action yeah just kids being yeah just like when you're at home during this just like a lot of that summertime stuff like what are we gonna do all day and then other

kids parents are going to you know doing we you know just being around like the days would get so long because then you'd have a friend that went to summer camp and you didn't go to summer camps you would just be literally laying face down on the sofa at home yeah the TV's going and you have nothing but just nothing. I remember we used to play like, we called it manhunt. You know what that is? I don't know, it sounds like the Navy that I was in. It was like outside, like almost like teams of,

whatever, it's just five kids and five kids, right? And so basically one team goes out and hides and the other team's job is to capture all of them and there was like You know a home base and there was like Where they locked you up and so we would have the whole apartment complex and there was hills and grass there was some things and so we would go out and play manhunt all day and It was so intense that like there was a time where like we split up and used to hide I did I got so into it. I used to Put like on camouflage and I used to like burrow under bushes really yeah, we got that intense with it

You think that perfume would give you a way? So yeah, it's like there he is I smell lilac I remember one time I went under this bush up on this little like hill like and I Mean if you could find a good spot, great. And you stayed there and you would hear, you would hear screaming and running, and you would, oh, he's getting caught. And then you would have to come out

and if they were in the jail, if you got there and tagged them, you would free them again. But if you got caught, now it's high stakes, right? Because if you, let's say three people are your friends are POWs, right? And now you gotta go get, now there's high stakes right because if you let's say three three of people are your friends are POWs right and now you got to go get now there's five people still searching for only two of you and like now they got people guarding the jail so they're hunting you down and now you got to get past that

guy who's already guarding it and then when once he yells it's a swarm so it's a really it really like you had to get strategy with you know so I would commit to it so one time I dug on I, I went under a bush, dude. And I put like dirt, I was like, and I was looking and 20 minutes, 30 minutes, 40 minutes, hour was easy. I'm talking like, dude, I'm talking like two plus hours. And I stopped hearing everybody. And like, I was like, do I come out?

Like, I don't know know like this is a great It was I'm swear to God it was getting dark out And that's what I was like I don't hear anybody is getting dark like and so I came out it was like two Two and a half hours. I was I was under there so behind Who has the time to lay in the dirt for two and a half hours just to play a game? This is what I want to go back to But I came out and I start looking for them and I can't even find them doing it.

And we live in these apartments and I live on the second floor. My friend lived on the first floor. And I said, I'm just gonna go home. And I start to go home and I hear people. I hear people and they're all singing happy birthday. And I hear like, and it's coming from the first floor of my friend's, one of my best friend's house

that lives there, all the windows are open. I'm like, what the hell? And I look in, everybody's in there for a birthday party. Just having a birthday party. They're already at the cake. They're already at the cake. And I was just in the dirt for two and a half hours, just like hoping not to get caught by these.

Yeah. And the crazy part was, there was nobody to tell that story to. It's just like, you get inside. It's like, do you want some cake now? Guys, like you usually like, all right, we're calling it. Yeah. You know what I mean?

But yeah. A lot of bad intel. It was a different time. Yeah, dude. It was like, I mean, I had nothing. I always used to come home. One time, I moved in with my grandparents when I was around, just at the fifth grade.

And I moved in with my grandparents. And then I moved away from those people. And they didn't live in the best neighborhood. And so we weren't really allowed to go outside. It was like a really bad neighborhood. Like you would hear like gunshots and stuff. Like just in the summer, they didn't have, we didn't have air condition.

So like we had all the windows open and you just hear like pop, pop, pop, pop. Like it just was normal. But my grandparents lived there for like 50, 60 years. And so we lived downstairs from them for a bit when we were trying to get our footing or whatever. And I had nobody, it was just me and my sister. So I'd get home from school and I had nothing. I just would like whatever. That's why I was beating Mike Tyson, like one hand behind my back. But I remember one time I was like, maybe I'll get a pet. So

I used to, I don't know if you had, I had these county, like these fairs or these festivals at your school. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You ever had those? We did. They would like come like- Confetti eggs and stuff, we would have different things.

Like they would come like, like you would open up the, it was like a Ferris wheel and like a little, like they would come for like a few days, like a mini little, what do you call them? Like not a carnival, but like a, you know, a fair. Like a fair, a fair. Yeah. We just had a carny in here actually, which was pretty cool.

But we, yeah, yeah. We had fares too. Really? Yeah. I can't never tell if you're joking. Oh, we had a carny in here. We had a carny. How did you, uh, we had a carny in here actually.

Uh, we just searched for him. Ah, we searched for him. We found a decent guy, but, um But yeah, but they had fairs too. Yeah, I know what you're talking about. So we had these fairs. You had to come to your school? Yeah, they would post up in the parking lot. And it was also a way for the school to raise money,

because it would also be like casino night at the church. So like the parents, they would get, you know, so it was like, but they had those games that I would come home with like a stuffed animal, you know, whatever. And they had this thing where you threw a ping pong ball in goldfish and these little, you know, there was like maybe a grid, like 20 by 20 grid

of these little bowls with goldfish in them. And then it was like 50 cents, you threw a ball of a ping pong ball, landed in the thing, they bagged up the goldfish for you. And they gave it to you. Yeah, they shouldn't be doing that. I mean, if you think, people don't give goldfish any respect at all.

Like, they're just as good as nothing. They're like ants. Like, you know, it's not fair. People eat them and throw them back up, like Steve, you know what I'm saying? But goldfish get a really bad, they're really born into a bad life, if you think about it. They don't have a memory.

They don't, a lot of them are used just to feed other fish. It's almost sex trafficked almost in a way. It's really bad. But no sex, yeah. Yes, and if you're a goldfish, I mean, I don't, a lot of them are used just to feed other fish. It's almost sex trafficked almost in a way. It's really bad. No sex, yeah. Yes, and if you're a goldfish, I mean, I don't know, man. A goldfish is a terrible life. You get split from your family, you know. You don't even know who your family is.

You don't know who your family is. You get immediately put, you either live alone for your whole life, or you get thrown into a people you don't want to be with, you know. And then you usually die of an infection. You know, your eye is like has a big freaking, like cotton ball on it or something like that. And like, and you die slow. Nobody knew how to reverse a goldfish death

when I was young. You got it, and then when it started to die, you're like, oh, there's the white stuff. Couple of weeks now, he's got a couple of weeks. And then like, you just walk, you'd still feed him and you just watch him with like one flip or you'd stare at this thing looking at you like, I have been dying for two weeks. So as a matter of fact, I would get them

and bring them home and like, oh, this is gonna be like, pass the time, I have something to take care of now. My mom never knew, I never got the setup, she never got me a tank, a filtration system. I didn't know you needed a filtration system. I did not know. Because when you threw the ball in the thing, there was no filtration

and they just threw them in that water. Well, you know, that water has to be cycled and filtered or whatever. Those are all goners. And if the ping pong ball don't hit, they're dying anyway, right? It's like a kill shelter basically for fish, right? And so I would bring them home

and I would put them in a salad bowl. I just fill up tap water, throw them in a salad bowl. I'm like, this is like the only thing you can solve anything. Dude, I was just, I was like, this is as big as it is eight times bigger than when he came from. He's like the Jefferson's right. He's moving on up this thing. I'm in a big salad bowl. And I would just bread. It was white bread.

I would just put white bread in there. And I was like, because I'm a kid. What are you making a sandwich? Dude, when we were a kid and we went fishing at the lake, we would ball up Wonder Bread until it became like a boy. Oh, you had a little nugget and put it in for him. And then put it on the hook. And we did it with Wonder Bread.

So I would just feed it Wonder Bread. And you know, it wasn't until way after that I realized that the fish would eat, like I would break it and throw it in chunks, and it would suck it right in and then shoot it right back out. You know, some of them wouldn't come back out, but most of them would shoot back out. And I just was like, he's full. But I guess he just didn't want white bread. I don't think they can take it in. Yeah, so I would, so they would always die. So I felt so bad. So then I realized one day, like I was like the fish store, because it was a, it was a

fish store and then my cousin's house that we used to, it was on the same square block. We weren't allowed to cross the street so we can go to the fish store without crossing the street. So one day I'm in there and I'm like, oh, there's these bubbles. Like I don't have that. I got to get bubbles. Yeah. So one time I went in and I brought a fish home,

my mom wasn't home from work yet, and I was like, I don't want this fish to die. And so I took a straw and I put it in the salad bowl and I blew into the salad bowl to keep the fish alive. I blew bubbles for three hours until she got home at six o'clock. Thing was dead that night. I'm blowing carbon dioxide directly into the thing.

I literally was like, literally poisoned the fish. I'm sitting there going, and I'm blowing, and I named them, I named them Harry. And I remember, because I named every fish and they all died very quickly. And so I was, here I am three hours blowing with a straw and I just thought the bubbles did it. Damn.

So finally when I got older, my niece won a fish and she brought it home. Or maybe my little sister or my niece won a fish, brought it home. And was it beautiful? Was it big? It was little, it was a little, right? But I was like, I'm not,

I was like, I'm not letting this happen to this fish. I was like- Right, this is gonna be different. I was like 20, 20, I was like I'm not I was like I'm not letting this happen to this fish I was I was like right this is gonna be different I was like 20 20 I was like probably a 23 24 right who am I if I continue to let this happen went right to the store bought the whole setup I came home rocks like coral fake coral yeah castle a little DMV in there I had the treasure chest and like a little like like a little DMV kind of thing. A little perk dealer. Yeah, yeah. I got, yeah, all that.

I had the whole neighborhood in there, right? All the people in the neighborhood. But I had all the accoutrement. And I got into it. You buy the rocks. I don't know if you've ever had a fish, but then you have to like, you roll the rocks through a strainer

because the dye has to come off a little bit. Oh no. And you put them in there and you have to eat. I got so into this. I bought medicine, food. I bought all, like, I would do the water. I would test it, the pH, put all the, I got so into this. I bought medicine, food, I bought all, like I would do the water, I would test it, the pH, put all the, I would, what do you call it?

Condition the water. And I took this fish and I had it for six or seven years. And the fish became like this big. And I don't know if it's a thing, but I would just feed the fish. I would put my hand and the fish would eat out of my hand. That might be one any of them do, but it really felt like we had something.

Like if I put my hand there, he didn't jolt away, he'd she. He would just like go in my hand and just like stay there. You know? And so seven years- Yeah, you don't see a lot of that. You don't see that now these days with goldfish with people like that, right? Anyway, one day he died or whatever.

And I think, I honestly think he was murdered. I really do. I'm not making a joke. I know it sounds like I am. What? I think that it was a spike. I think maybe got murdered out of spite from somebody in my house.

I think, or a friend. Cause I had just done the clean the fish tank. He was in perfect health. I just did a full fish tank cleaning. You did it like every three weeks. I mean, I dumped it out and put him in another bucket. Yeah. You have to do this whole thing. You put half of the water in the bucket with him because you want it to stay like the ecosystem. That water

is like FEMA or whatever. Yeah, exactly. I was basically like, I was basically like Red Cross. Yeah. My cousin worked for FEMA for a while. They had to do all that shit. He'd be fucking putting wet people in shoe boxes for two hours while they fucking vacuum out there. I was, I was feeling it up fuming it up and I put it in, I tested everything and I had this thing that was science-stingy for seven years, right? And it looked beautiful too, it flourished, right? Then the next day he was in the clean water just dead.

Not even a slow death, just dead. I suspect foul play. But this fish moved with me to three different locations. So I'm in the third location that I've owned this fish in, in seven years, and that's where he died. And it was a summer and I felt guilty. I didn't want to flush the fish. It just felt disrespectful.

Seven years, I'm gonna throw this in. And the pipes too, are you in New York at that time? Yeah. Yeah, I don't want to put the fish that I called my friend where, you know, where people shit. Yeah, that's a good point actually. Hey fish, I love you. Yeah. People, that's something people just flush the goldfish when they die. It's so disrespectful. They have no platform, no voice. Anyway, I didn't want to... You're right. They don't.

People don't get... I didn't want to... So I was like, I'm going to bury it in the yard. And it was a summer and I just didn't want to bury it because I felt like it was going to stink and decompose and stuff. Maybe be dug up by like a raccoon. And so I was like, I have to wait till cooler weather. And so I...

Put it in the freezer? I did. Wow. Did I tell you this story? No. Because I told it before. I was thinking, what would somebody do? I put it in tin foil, and I put it in my freezer. Yeah.

And you know, I kind of, half and half, half was I forgot about it. And maybe I missed a cycle. Maybe you don't want to remember because it's painful, too. Sometimes your brain will hide information. Yeah, like I had to unhurst it in therapy. But one thing led to another. And a few warm seasons passed, and I still hadn't done it.

And then it got to the point where I was like, I don't know, I just felt bad. I was like, whenever I just felt bad. And then I moved. It could have been toxic shock syndrome or something. You know, lot of animals if they move too many times they get really sick Yeah, well, I mean not to worry about that with him because he was dead Oh another thing was I thought that they only died when I I was like it's bad luck to name him So I never I had this fit in seven years. I didn't name him. Oh, I would kill anyone. I called him fish

It's fine. He didn't care. And I moved and then I moved. I took the stuff from my fridge and freezer with me. It's not like I'm gonna throw stuff out. I took them and I moved again. So I moved from that house. And what kind of compartment is he in? Are you keeping him in a little bowl or a little bag with water in it?

It's tinfoil. Okay. He's not in water. And so the place I had him. Do you just have like a couple grams of a fish rolled up in tin foil it's like this big of a fish and It's in my freezer right he's in my freezer like a sock. He's in my freezer right now and it has he really has been It has been since he died it has been

It's been about 12 years since he's done I have I Moved into the house 2010 that he died in. And then when I moved to my next house in 2015, he was already dead. So he died somewhere between 2010 and 2012, 2013. The fish is frozen in my freezer right this very, very second. Wow, still today. Today, 12 years I have a frozen fish in there.

I've told the story in my pockets and people saw this in me fish coffins, little second. Wow. Still today. Today, 12 years, I have a frozen fish in there. I've told the story of my podcast, and people started sending me fish coffins, little fish coffins. And I was gonna actually have like a funerals for him. Yeah. Cause I told him my pod years ago, and so people started sending him in, and we were gonna do like a,

like a Patreon like funerals for him. Oh man. But he's, and then you know what, I ended up taking him, I hadn't done it, but we talked about it, so I got him out of the, I used to film it at my house, I got you know what? I ended up taking him. I hadn't done it, but we talked about it. So I got him out of the, I used to film it at my house. I got him out of the freezer and I opened it. No way.

Yeah, I was scared. I did. I opened, he's still there. I put him back in, but I was scared to do it. Did he have any, how did he look? It wasn't good. You know, it was, he was still whole. Yeah.

But he was, I mean, very, very, very light gold. If there was even a, it was a gradient, it was maybe like a 10% gold. Zirconium maybe? Yeah, it was like, it was like whitish. It might've been close to white, which is a hint of gold. And his eyes. It was like the cheapest high school ring you could get.

Exactly, right? Yeah. Yeah, that was. Like he turned. Local gold or whatever. They would have like a term, they'd be like, oh yeah, special zone, like mountain gold or something. Yeah, just something they tried to sell you on.

Yeah. Yeah, that turn. And his eyes, they were like not there. Which was, he had like the sockets, but the balls, they were kind of not there. I don't know what happens to balls when you freeze them over time if you're a goldfish. Well, I'll say this, we had a guy named Max Moron

and he runs the Cryonics Institute, which is where they freeze people in Arizona. And it was- How was that conversation? It was interesting. I don't know if it's a scam or not. I believe that in theory, it's a good idea. I really wonder about that, I really do.

But they keep bodies in like these big vats of nitrogen and they just keep them at really low temperatures in the hopes that one day they'll be able to. Yeah, like Walt Disney and College of Shroomsky, right? Yeah, like start them back up. Yeah. That's wild though, would you do it? I mean, some people like it's all the same. You're gone, you're gone.

Why not put it in there and see if the, I've had this comment because like, what do you want to wake up to? Like what's it, let's say in 300 years, they can bring you back. Cause it's like, you know, they find the technologies there and then you come out, you know, no one, you know, no one, it's like, you know nothing of that world. It's like, yeah, you're just being, yeah, like this draft is brought to you by Price fix and you're just drafting you back in the time. But that's definitely going to be what it's like.

When you think about it in the future, you're going to be able to create your own player like you can do on video games. But out of DNA that's actually in labs, you're going to be able to create your own like, player that will play in like some special gym universe somewhere. And then we'll actually eventually go onto the court and play. Like that's going to be a real thing people can do.

I have my DNA and sperm stored. Yeah. And I just did, I just did the 23andMe premium package. Really? What did it, what all? And how I mailed it out? I mailed it out. I mailed it out 10 days ago. It's like five to six weeks. It comes out. I've always, dude, 20 years ago, I've always been like,

I need to know as far back as I can go. I need to. Like, I just, it's so fascinating to me. Oh, yeah. I've asked to be on that show, like. Oh, with history's, like. Hey, this is where you're from. There's two of them.

Like, one's a PBS version, and one's like, and it's just like, where you came from, whatever it's called. I've been you're from there's two of them like one's a PBS version of ones like and it's Just like where you came or whatever it's called I've been asking them for years because they like they do all the legwork the black people ones always just Chicago. It's like you're from There's been some crazy ones though like I've seen people go on there like celebrities and then realize that they came from like really bad People yeah, I've seen that dude. I've seen, dude, I got, I did my 23rd, I was like 40% Thousand Island dressing, I feel like. I like that. You're all the Thousand Island.

That's a term. I don't know. That dressing went downhill, didn't it? Yeah, I never liked it. Wow. Yeah, it's doing too much. It's also a mystery to me. It's like kind of like orange, right?

Yeah, it's like a orangey, mayonaise, it kind of feels mayonetta or whatever. I don't like a mayonetta base. I don't like it. But you did do it or no, you didn't do it? French dressing was big, remember? Yeah, yeah. You don't hear much about French dressing anymore.

Everything's a vinaigrette now. Yeah, it's a vinaigrette, it's ranch, or it's blue cheese. Ranch never lost blue cheese, yeah. I don't like ranch either. French was very scary to be a child and they would have French. No, no thank you. It's ranch or it's blue cheese. Ranch never lost. Blue cheese, yeah. I don't like ranch either. French was very scary to be a child and they would have French.

No, no thank you. It was orange, right? No, no orange was Stiles and Island. But there was a really fine orange one. Wasn't French the lick, like, no that was the Italian one was like the oil, yeah, you're right, yeah there it is. No, I wouldn't fuck with French.

French was very shocking. It doesn't look appealing. No, I'm not a big salad dressing guy. I'll do a little red wine vinegar I just stick to that but I'll eat some blue cheese. Um, but Did you really do the 23 and me? Yeah So what did you know cuz cuz cuz cuz cuz I did this one now where you could like find out, you can go back like it says like, I mean hundreds of years, like they tell you like, Really? Like I read a review where the guy was like, I found out that like my great, great, great, great, I'm not joking.

And I was like, he's like, I found out like my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather died by an arrow. That's the kind of detail he got. I don't know how, but I read it and I was like, hell yes, I want to know all of this. Yeah. You know, I can't wait for the results to come back. I can't wait. I've done ancestry. I know my breakdown, but I didn't do it where it's like genetic testing. I did that traits, you know predispositions Everything like if you're a night person what stuff you should eat not eat Oh, and then or as much history of your family tree as possible. Yeah, do you think you want to know all that?

I guess sometimes I really do. Yeah, really. Well, I've lived with a mystery for 40 something years already I want not I want to know I mean, just feel like, you know, I don't know. How do you not, you don't really know your, you know yourself, but you gotta know. I have a longing to know exactly where I came from. Was it a big thing in y'all's house, to y'all's family that was like, this is where you're from? Cause that is the thing that I feel like is very important

that should be in more homes probably is like, this is who your grandfather was. And this is like where our bloodline comes from. And this is what we've been through. Everybody should know that we didn't do it at all. And I think that's why I long for it. Like I only, I knew one great grandparent when she died, she passed away at 99 and I was still young. And then I had a very great relationship with my four grandparents. I mean,

very close. And I still have my, one of my grandmas and I, they all, I, luckily I had them told a decent, decent age. So I was really, really tight. And I was like, I just wish I knew, you know, about, you know, you blow your mind thinking about like, even just go back, like it's crazy that we don't even know our great grandparents. Nevermind just a few times removed, you know? Just how about great, great, great?

No idea. And that shit's like, that's long enough ago to be like, oh, he was a, you know, he was a blacksmith. I don't even know that. You know what I mean? He lived that. Oh yeah, I mean, yeah, a lot of times you just know like, oh, my grandpa drove a van or whatever.

You're like, what? Yeah, what the fuck? The guy lived a whole life. Right. He created your dad. Right. And all you know is that he grew a fan. He smoked Paul Moles.

Yeah. That's all you know. He smoked unfiltered cigarettes and... Yeah, the guy lived a... Yeah. He had a chicken coop. Yeah. That's really it though, right? That's it. Like he, oh, yay. Everybody likes to almost...

Yeah, there's like, there's this mystery, whereas I think a long time ago, there used to be a lot more, um, probably, uh, familiar lore that was passed down. And now it's just like, um, a lot of that's not present in a lot of families. Like my dad, did I remember my dad was like, she'd be like, I think my dad liked to drink a pretty good bit. Like my dad was very, my dad was born and he was, he was 70 when I was born, so he was an older guy. You know? He was like, bye.

Remember you talked about that in your first special. Yeah, he was like, bye. I knew it, Erwin, I'm sorry. You know, in a lot of ways. But yeah, he was like, he would, my dad would like drive us to school or something. My dad's car, he always hit stuff with his car, so he always had like spare tires in his car,

like in the back seat was stacked with fucking tires that were blown out or ones that were still usable, dude. And so a lot of times you just get in the backseat of his car. He'd take me to school sometimes and I would get out and all my clothes and skin would be just covered in black tire marks, dude. I'd just wander in a school dude. Like just trying, like I'm a diversity hire. Like Pig Pen from Peanuts.

Yeah, like I'm part of the diversity initiative. Coal miner. Like a five-year-old coal miner. And then yeah, he just saw his like, you know, he just, so that was very did you know? So you should what did you know of your grandfather then? Oh, I didn't know your paternal Oh Mike, I knew we had a step grandpa that would smoke a lot of cigarettes You know and he would wear his like he used to wear motorcycle goggles

Even when he was just sitting on the porch for a long time He wore like that. He had like that old-school kind of motorcycle hat with the goggles You know, he just wore it on the porch? And he'd sit on the porch and just, I think he wanted people to know he was about to go ride his motorcycle all the time. I wanna know that guy, you know? And he wore like a onesie kind of,

but a worker's onesie. Oh, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a Dickie's, like a jumpsuit thing? Yeah, and he worked at a factory and stuff like that. Oh, see, yeah, this is like, yeah, that's like a salt of the, that's like, that's what I'm talking about. You know what I'm saying?

I want to know that. Like, I don't know, man. You know, my grandparents all had like eight or nine siblings. Yeah. You know what I mean? But what did your dad do? Did he do, is your dad kind of a neat guy? Do you have any good, like, cool memories about him

when he was a kid? My dad? Yeah. Well, he's still with me, luckily. Yeah. My dad from when? Even just like memories when you were a kid of your dad. What was your...

Oh yeah. My dad would have these big shoes that we would put on sometimes and that was pretty cool. My dad would put his shirt on. Sometimes he would take his shirt off. He liked to drink and he would have a couple drinks or whatever and then he would just take his shirt off and button it up in front of us and he'd be like,

oh, you got my shirt on, huh? And he would say stuff like that and then he would just pass out on the call. Sounds like a very warm guy. Just the physicality that you become when you're talking. I'm like, you got a shirt on. Put a shirt on. He'd be like, you got my shirt on.

That was his playing with us or whatever. Big game. Who wants to wear my shirt? Yeah. And you were just, your eyes were burning with like, brute and like, Old Spice. He'd be like, you got my shirt? And your eyes were burning with like, brute and like, Old Spice. He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, god. And by the time you got the shirt off or whatever,

he would just be like, asleep on the couch. Or he'd be like, this is good. My dad, you know, I'm lucky. I have a real good relationship. He's like, my best friend, really. Growing up was cool. I got hit by a car with him. My body, not in a car accident. We were playing frisbee in a parking lot by my house.

And it was a gated parking lot. And it was like one of those posts, those like CW, not CW, what do you call those? Those veteran VW posts, right? You know what I'm saying? And it was like a big parking lot and it was gated. And so VFW. VFW, it was like, I don't know? And it was like a big parking lot and it was gated.

And so- Oh, VFWs. VFWs, it was like, I don't know. Yeah. And so we used to play like stick ball in that thing and like hockey and things like that. And so they, but, because it was always closed when it wasn't an event, it was a big empty parking lot.

And it was gated and it was pretty big for a kid. Like it was like, you know, it was a good, like I would call it maybe about a hundred and maybe 25 feet long, something like that or more, and pretty wide. In the buildings we lived in, it was right in the front of them, those buildings. And he had so many jobs,

and he was a superintendent of those buildings. So he had an office there, and we also lived there. And I would go visit him in the office and go around and help him fix, watch him fix things. Oh, he was a super? Oh, he was a super. Yeah, he was a super. Oh, wow. Yeah.

And he was also a garbage man, but he did both. And so he had an office, he used to lift weights in there, and I used to go hang out with him and the guys that worked there and everything. They had like posters of girls on the wall in the office, and like they played darts and stuff. But my dad, like he didn't drink. He wasn't like a, he wasn't into sports, he didn't drink. He just was like, I don't know, man.

He just, he was very unique. He's a healthy guy, very into fitness. But, but you know, I hung out with him a lot. And so he took me one day, I'll never forget it. He's like, come on, we're gonna go play. And he threw, it was a Coca-Cola, red Coca-Cola Frisbee. I'll just, and we went down the block. We went in there, not a car in the place, gates closed.

I went throwing the frisbee back and forth. I'm young, I'm probably, I was like five six years old tops and you know, you I don't even know to this day I can't really throw a frisbee. I throw the one that just does that. Oh really? Yeah, you can throw a frisbee Yeah, it must feel like a superpower It does feel good when you learn it because when you don't know how to do it as a dude it is a Questionable look. Yeah, I mean I it's it's it's anybody's it's anybody's guess when I throw it how it's gonna look. If it's gonna just sail to the right, if it's gonna wobble, if it's gonna hit the floor like you know, can you throw it like that? Huh? No, that dude is also closet engaged. Yeah. I'll

throw it like a regular dude. Yeah and bless him. Yeah, but that dude is like yeah any of that dude That dude's trying to steal your lady too. You know, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah skipping it off of a fuck You could throw like a you could Toyota Tercel or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that was that's a show-off Yeah, nobody likes a show. That's what I don't like is that guy? Yeah Yeah, I could just make sure I get it to where it's going in the area So you show if we were playing if we haven't haven't considered a catch. I haven't a catch, yeah. Having a frisbee? Having a throw in frisbee. I throw in a frisbee. You can, I could be far away from you and you could be like, I got you. I got you. That's really naturally nice. You have to spin in a full circle before you let it go or

no. Can you just do like that? I didn't really throw like a disc. I had no skill whatsoever in that department. So I would just like, you know, let it go. Yeah. And, um. I'm sorry. It's all, dude, well, what happened to me? I had a traumatic experience. I seen three gay dudes throwing a frisbee in a Hampton Inn.

Uh, hot tub, like a big hot tub. And to this day. Yeah. That had to be bigger than the place, the tub you played Navy in, because they were throwing the Frisbee? Well, they were all just sitting there just kind of throwing it to each other.

And it just was, it was just the most craziest thing I'd ever seen in my life. Wait, what part was crazy? The fact that they, it was like kind of like a little sport, and they were only sitting like four feet from each other. And then they kept throwing this little frisbee to each other.

I love that you described that as like a, would you say a dramatic, would you say a crazy experience? Cause that's when I knew that our military was done. That's what I knew that our military was done Me it sounds like a it sounds like a Party broke out though. Yeah, you're right. I think I got you know, and a lot of it for me is a perspective issue It's like I show It is man I show up with a negative perspective. I'm like, look at these guys. Look at these air force guys or whatever.

Oh, I missed that part. They were in the air force? Oh, no, no, no. They were in the Navy probably. You saw you weren't in the tub and you're just having like PTSD about the Navy. Was it you? I had a lot of bad experiences.

Yeah. That's hilarious. Well, mine went wide and it was our neighborhood and my dad saw a guy that he knew walking by in the street outside the other side of the gate. And so he was like, I'm gonna, he just walked over to the gate to say hello to his friend. And he's at the gate talking to his friend

and he threw it to me and it went over there. So I was like, I was walking to go get it. I mean, there was two things in this parking lot, me and my dad. And so I'm walking to get to Frisbee and then I look up and from the other side of the parking lot, I see a station wagon is now in the parking lot and it's driving toward me.

And even at that age, I'm like, there's no way he didn't see, it wasn't like, oh my God, a car's coming. I was just like, no, he saw me. And I'm walking to get the thing and he's driving toward it as well. And I remember it so vividly, I got to the Coca-Cola Frisbee and I looked down

and I looked and the car was still coming at me. You know, it wasn't going that fast. I'm sure it was going like 10 miles an hour, whatever, something like that. And I went to go pick up the Frisbee. And my dad's talking, he's not looking. And I go to pick up the Frisbee, I remember, I picked it up and I dropped it.

I fumbled it and it dropped back down. And I had this moment of, do I pick it pick up the frisbee. I remember I picked it up and I dropped it. I fumbled it and it dropped back down. And I had this moment of, do I pick it back up right now? Or did I get out? I just remember being like, it happened fast and I went to pick it back up. And the next thing when I woke up, I was in my dad's arms and he was running with me in his arms and to get in his car

and take me to the hospital. I didn't get any broken bones right now. I got bruised up. But yeah, blacked out completely. The car hit me. Now, in hindsight, I know the story. Like my dad got so mad. Like he turned around, he just, I don't know what you must think to see your five-year-old get hit by a car. And I didn't know this until later on, but I found out and he just, I don't know, what you must think to see your five-year-old get hit by a car. And I didn't know this until later on, but I found out that he just went nuts and he ran, the guy hit the thing

and he ran up to the car and he was like, just punching, like, get out of the car. Just punching the car and the guy wouldn't get it. He's like, get out of it. And he's trying to rip it. And my dad's friend goes, Sal, Sal, don't worry about that, get your son. You know?

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he was like, oh, and he just grabbed me and we went to the hospital. I was punching the car, you know? But that was a big guy, you know? I was punching the car and everything. And then, yeah, so I got here by this car. Hold on, son.

Yeah, it's like, stay with me. I'll be right with you. Smash. It later turned out that it was one of my kid in my grammar school's grandfather. But anyway, and I said we sued him, but it was like, man, it was really a disappointment of a lawsuit.

Cause I got five, I mean, I was like, what was it? It was like probably 1981, but I got 5,000 bucks. It's a lot of money then. Yeah, or adjusted for inflation from 81. Hit me out. And then I couldn't touch it till I was 18. And so when it was 18. So you had that auto money.

It was 12 grand when I was 18. It was 12 when you were 18? Yeah, I think 12, 13 grand, that's about it. 5,000 to. That's a lot of money, 12 grand when you were 18? Yeah. What'd you do with it? You know, I don't really know ultimately,

but I'll tell you what I thought I was gonna do with it. I thought I was going to buy an engagement ring with it. Yeah, that's what I told her. I was like, oh, I'm gonna just take this money to buy you an engagement ring. Yeah, I love that you've taken like a knee for me so many times. I started with the gout So many times you're really like I've you've you really felt my pain. Thanks, man. Yeah, it's for I mean, that's a fucking god

Yeah, when I get I'm gonna get her that ring and we're gonna get a little home or something. It sounds like a There's so much like I haven't spoken about like it's just it sounds right now that I'm like, yeah man, my life with this woman and I'm still thinking about it. It's like, I didn't remember that, that I was going to do that, but when you asked me, I was like, I think, yeah, I remember telling her that like, I'm going to get you a ring with this money. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think, yeah. Well, I, oh, I remember a girl, she broke up with me and then I got in like, oh, I'm going to, I remember calling her mom,'m gonna buy her a ring you know and like I took that Avenue one time like I was I'll just yeah doing that stuff and playing on a head is relationships are fucking hard especially when you're just figuring out

about love and am I in love what's going on you know how many how many have you been in love yeah I've been in love man how many times you know? How many, how many, uh, have you been in love? Yeah, I've been in love, man. How many times? You know, I think maybe three, four times, I think, you know? That's about right. That's about, I think, three for me. I gotta start dating towards a family, you know? You want one? I think so. Yeah, yeah. Because otherwise, I'm like, what happens if you don't get one? then you are, are you, it's sometimes it gets a little strange when I still go like to people's things or something and it's just me. I get that, yeah, I get that.

It's like, I gotta start bringing somebody. Do you, but you don't wanna bring some boot, like, you don't wanna bring like something that's not like potential. Yeah, right, right yeah right right right right so wait so are you feeling pressure just externally because of those situations and maybe what your age or are you feeling internally biologically like I long for this and I and I feel like I'm ready to I I feel like I'm kind of ready to start a family are you

feeling that are you like yeah it's a little I feel like I'm kind of ready to start a family. Are you feeling that or you like, where you at? Yeah, I think it's a little bit of both. I think it's like, if I'm gonna do it, I have to do it at some point. Do you feel- Or I'm gonna be like my dad. Right. You know, or not really, but I'll be, you know.

I see what you're saying, a parallel, yeah? Some, you know, but I think there's part of me in that that's always like, oh, you could do it whenever. I think that could have been my mindset that I got too. You know? Like I can always, yeah. So you wanna put my shirt on? Yeah.

Yeah. I don't know, man. I gotta set you up with somebody or something. I don't know. I don't really play matchmaker, but. Keep your ears open. People sometimes try to matchmake me, but I just gotta be more like.

But you're not looking for it? I mean, I'm keeping my eyes open Nashville's kind of tough because it's a lot of like college and then a lot of married also now, you know You're so you're so faint like your fame you got a like how you meet someone is More little has to be a little more intricate intricate now like you got to make sure you gotta make sure you're investing your time in someone that's for the right reasons. That was the thing with me. My girl that I'm with now, I've been with since before.

I was in the public, you know what I mean? It was just right about that time. But I've known her, I knew her, I would say, like seven, eight years before, even before that. Yeah. So, you know, I didn't have to navigate being in the public like this and then trying to- Right, you had somebody- Put myself out there for somebody like that. Right.

You know, being vulnerable and you invest that kind of time and not, you know. Yeah, it gets a little spooky because some of you are afraid to like message somebody if you, like if you meet somebody online and you don't want to feel forced to have to meet somebody that's also in... I'd love to just meet whoever I'm supposed to meet. So I just want to make sure I'm able to be in a good space and just be ready. And I just feel a little bit of that kind of change I think I'm ready for something a little bit more realistic. Yeah. I never really talk about it. I never talk about it, but I, yeah, I was 43. I'm

married. Yeah. I never really talk about it at all, but people know that I'm with my lady for a very long time. I always reference her. I've met her. Yeah, you know her. You've known her since back then. Cute too. Sorry, I shouldn't have said this, but she's wonderful. I'll say that. But also... She's beautiful. She's my best friend. That's what I was going to say. Yeah, I was going to say beautiful, but then I'm like, dude, you can't say beautiful to the guy. That's... you say cute, right? Like, is cute weird?

Dude, she's hot. Anyway, yeah. I'll just pretend I didn't say anything. Yeah, I honestly, dude, I'm so, so private. I just never want to, privacy is like the last thing I have. Once I give it away, I can't get it back. And it's just weird because I've spent a decade on television as myself. And so there's a different type of filter

between me and the people that enjoy what I do and stuff. And there's a familiarity. And it's like good and bad. So some people are like just very curious because I'm I am so private so that kind of brings Stokes curiosity. Yeah. Then also just sometimes people like they just feel like they know me and so like there's a little bit of a line crossing. I was very private my whole life so this is like to the umpteenth for me you know. So like I just keep it I just keep that to the vest because it really what is what does it matter? What does that detail matter to me?

Right, it doesn't matter. You know, and I, but I also- But you also want to be able to speak freely about your own life. I do, that's exactly right, that's exactly right. And I do want to talk about my own life. And I was, what I was saying was my next special that I'm working on now, I am going to like, I want to do it on my own terms and stuff,

so I am like, going to be speaking about, you know, her on stage and stuff, so I was like, you know what? I just gotta like, you know, just put it out terms and stuff. So I am like, going to be speaking about, you know, her on stage and stuff. So I was like, you know what, I just got to like, you know, just put it out there and stuff. Yeah, it's important. Yeah. Well, yeah, it's, it's, it's interesting. It's like, you want to be able to be yourself at the same time. You want to protect the few things that you have that feel like that. They aren't public and protect her as a person. Cause like, you know, you know, how, you know, the internet is and all that stuff. It's just like, it is, you know, you know how, you know, the Internet is and all that stuff. It's just like, it is, you know, and I just like, I don't like it.

You know, I want to keep the people I love the most away from it, you know. But but there's a sense of me that also wants to speak about my life. And, you know, and, you know, I mean, like, I love her. She's my best friend. I talk about her. But like, she's always like, you know, if you say you say, you know, but, you know, she's like, I don't mind if you, you know, you know, and I'm like, I just want to say good once I say it, you know, it's just a thing, you know, I don't know if I make more of it than it should be in my own head. But yeah, dude, I've never really said it. So I think one other time.

Dang. Yeah. Well, yeah, thanks for talking about it, man. I felt... You make me comfortable. Thanks, bro. Yeah. There's been times in my life where I didn't want to say that I was dating somebody because I would think I was worried about what people would think or if people would try to find that person. Yes. And, but then at some points I felt bad that I didn't try and honor them a little bit more, you know, or if they felt like that, you know. That's the struggle I have, you know, and she's very understanding. She's the best. But like, you know, so it's like that balancing, it's balancing all those things, you know?

And so it's even like, it feels weird for me to even say it out loud. Yeah, I can tell you, it's a little bit of nervous energy for you. Yeah, because once it's out of the bag, it's out of the bag, but it's like a big step. Well, we can always take it out too. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

100%, if you just, you know, if you think about that, totally fine. Yeah, right on. I mean, do you wanna talk about building a family or you don't wanna go into that? You think you're okay? That's really going there, but I guess I'm gonna do it as well. I mean, I don't know, that into that you think you're okay that's really going there but i i guess i'm i'm gonna do it as well i mean i don't know that's yeah i mean like i just say that i have a kid it's like it's you don't feel like you have to at all you don't feel like i think you

have to or you know not at all no not at all babe not at all i feel totally comfortable i'm just saying to myself like do i want to dude i i have never you know really said it it's like you know i just want to you know but uh and i so it's yeah it's just like, you know, I just want to, you know, but, and I, so it's, yeah, it's just like, here it is. Does it feel scary to admit to yourself, you think? No, I've, I mean, if in my regular life, I don't even, like, if you come up to me with my wife, this is my kid, like, I don't, it's, that's real life.

But why do people that see me for 22 minutes a week on TV need to know that? Why do people, you know what I mean? Like in real life, I honor my real life, you know? But this is just like, this is entertainment for you. I don't know if I want to invite you in. Like I don't want people to be like, come up to me like, hey, how's your wife?

Like it's like, ah, ah, ah, you know? But, um. That's a good point. Yeah, but, but, so it's even, I think it's like more with the daughter. Yeah. It's like super protective, you know what I mean? But, but I, it's the best thing that's ever happened to me.

I mean, if I start talking about her, man, I'll get tears in my eyes. And like, so, so I love her so much. I want to express that, you know? Yeah. I'm so scared. I'm so scared to. What do you think? Yeah, I don't know, you know, I don't have that response. I don't have that, like something that I'm responsible for. But also I want to, it it's funny I think about that a lot. I think about like if I have kids would I let people know? Do I feel like people need to know but then also do I want to be? Honest about my own life, but then who am I being honest to like? Can I still just be honest to myself and be like a good family man? I think with podcasting I think it gets a little different because It's like a lot of times we do share stuff that's real to us. And so then people get to know us in a different element.

Isn't it weird? And you've been doing it so long, right? And so talk for so many hours. And then sometimes you'll see someone come up to you and they know something intimate. And you're like, Oh, I guess I, cause we get so comfortable with each other and you know, we're, and this is what you want to have a real conversation. And and that's like just so weird because over time when you've talked to a set of 1,000 hours People can really like take notes and be like, oh this is they they really know your shit Oh, I'll get no tip right. I'll be eating somewhere and somebody right now like hey, man I could tell kind of how you were feeling just shit. They were like fuck. I'm fucking And it is weird because like do I want to have this exchange with you?

Right, it's sweet, but it's like, do I want people to come up to me and be like, so how's your daughter? All the time. Like, I don't wanna talk to you about my daughter. You know what I mean? You might not want to, but then she's also probably super, I mean, I know you sent me those pictures.

She's so cute. Yeah, man. God, that must be cool, huh? She just loves you. You know, you hear it. You know what it's supposed to sound, you know what it's supposed to be, you know what it is, you heard descriptions of it. You have it, you know everything.

That's the best thing ever. It's hard, she's my best friend. You do anything for your kids. The reason I live, the reason I breathe, you hear it all. But then when it happens to you, there's not words to describe it. So, 40, I had her 20 months ago and a thing, feelings I've never felt, imagine having a new feeling

after 45 years, 45 years, a feeling I never felt in my life is unlocked. And it's the deepest feeling that I've ever had in my life. And I love my family, I love my wife. What was the feeling? that I've ever had in my life. And I love my family. I love my wife. What was the feeling? It's a feeling of inexpressible, pure happiness and joy that you feel like you are floating in the air

and it's overwhelming. You cannot process it. You can't believe it. You can't process it. To this day, I can't believe she exists. Every day I wake up and I take a deep breath and I look at her. I'm overwhelmed. I've never not been overwhelmed looking at her. I've never been able to process my love. The love is so strong that I can't understand it. It's tough, man. It's insane, dude. That's awesome.

And it's just there. It's just there, and it's not going to go anywhere. And I had gotten to some deep, some dark places, really dark. Did you feel like it was going to, like, that must have been shocking, because you said that it's not going to go somewhere. Was there, yeah, like, fuck, dude, that's huge. Yeah, so just to think that I will have her, and then my brain is such that then it gets dark, like, fuck, dude, that's huge. Yeah, so just to think that I will have her,

you know, and then my brain is such that then it gets dark, like, oh, then one day I'm gonna be gone, and she's not gonna have me, and I'm not gonna see how the second half of our life plays out. And then I go to depression, and I'm working on this. There's a weird thing where I could be like something so good, and then my mind wants to go, oh, you're gonna lose it, though. Oh. It's gonna, one day it's not gonna be that.

Okay, so then I'm not gonna know, this is deep, but I'm not gonna know then how her story ends. Isn't that crazy? To think about that the air I breathe is for her and then to just think that she might have a good 40 years, hopefully 100 years on this earth, post to me

that I don't get to know I don't get the thing that I care about most in my life I don't get to know the end of that's there's yeah so it's like this dichotomy of like this deep deep it's such a deep love but it sends you because like if you get, if you let yourself go there, yeah, yeah. It's kind of wild, man. Right. But that's also kind of a creative and you know, it's a, uh, it's a deep thought and deep thoughts are, you know, depth has darkness in it a lot of times. You know, the deep, you want to get into stuff, the more, the more that can be in there, but wow, I've never even thought about that. It's like if watching your favorite, it's like your favorite movie, but you don't get to see the half, you know? Right?

And you got to make the movie though. Oh dude, it's like nothing you've ever felt. That's crazy. Yeah. The feeling that you said that it's not gonna go anywhere, that really sent me, man, because yeah, I think, I didn't realize it too. You said that there's this feeling always inside of me

that it's gonna go somewhere, you know? That it's not, you know, that it's not, like it's not reliable or something. I think it even goes back to me like, not knowing how to, you know, you gotta check in and make sure people know you care all the time. Sure, sure, yeah. Yeah. Wow. It's wild that I get to wake up to, you know, you gotta check in and make sure people know you care all the time. Sure, sure, yeah.

Yeah. Wow. It's wild that I get to wake up to, I wake up now at like seven in the morning every day, like, or, you know, we're at eight, but like, but I was never a morning person, you know, I was never, I was a bartender, I'm a comic, like I, I'm not that guy, and like, and I wake up and I, so here's another thing, I remember what it was like to feel naturally,

organically, truly feelings of happiness. You know, whether it was just a general feeling or whether I got good news, like this feeling that would emanate like a joy, like joy, like pure though, right? You're all, you're a very joyous guy. But I lost that, like, and for a while I got like, you know, I was depressed, and I would register

that I was supposed to feel happy, and I would say, oh, I'm so happy about that. But I would say, but that feeling is not here. I'm telling myself that I'm happy and I'm happy. This is great news or this is, oh, that's wonderful. Oh, I'm excited, you know, but this thing that I used to have where it's like you walk around like with a pep in your step

and you're cheery and it's coming out of you. Like it's coming out of you. You're emoting it. Like it's beyond you. Your body, you're not in control of it You're happy right you know not that you you you now lived life, and you know all this is good news I'm happy. I'm supposed to be happy, but it's not the same no and I stopped feeling that what happened Although I made you're saying this exactly I feel a lot of times

I look at old videos of myself like man that guy was so happy right and and I would get really sad about that because It's like I have no reason not to be happy I I have such a wonderful support system family friends. I have so lucky in my life to do what I want my career I feel blessed Every day every day. I know how lucky I am. I take nothing for granted. And so why why then? Do I not feel that and but the odd thing is is that I can? Feel viscerally sad. I have immediate access to sadness, immediate access.

And I didn't used to, it like flip-flopped. And if I wanted to sit here right now and talk to you about something sad, I could bring up something that's sad to me and in one minute I could be bawling. And I could, and I feel it, like I feel it emanating. But the happiness, it's in one minute I could be bawling yeah, and I could and I and I feel it like I feel it emanating but the happiness it's kind of like I had to either work at it or just like Accept this new version of happiness and with my daughter This free again

It's more than ever was uh It's crazy to to have someone pull that out of you. And it's at the ready. And it's just limitless. I don't need anything. I don't need to access it. If I hear her voice, if she walks in, if I look at a photo of her right now, something happens to my body.

That's cool, man. Yeah. Even if we don't I didn't mean to get into this save this you can give it to her one day you know yeah I didn't mean to get into this you know like I know that you you know it's cool with you like I know you go everywhere on your podcast and stuff no it's okay man listeners are cool with it like I just if we keep it in like I just I know it's not all it not laughs but no it's okay yeah it's dude to see that somebody how much somebody cares about their kid you know yeah I think it's not laughs, but. No, it's okay. Yeah. Dude, to see that somebody, how much somebody cares about their kid, you know?

Yeah. I think it's, it makes, yeah, cause it's funny, that's where I'm at in my life, is I think I'm like, could I do it? Like, would I be able to be okay? You will. You know, like I think like. They say it's true, everything they say is true,

you never know, you think you're ready. You will never be ready. Yeah. Something just happens man. You don't know if you could do it. You don't know if you're ready. Will you be a good this? Will you be a good that? That happens naturally, immediately. I mean, you, you, you, it's, it's just something, a switch flips and you, it's not could you do it, it's I wanna be the best at it. You know, the doubt is erased, the doubt is erased.

You immediately like, you thrive off of it, you know? Like it really is purpose. I mean, all those cliches, all those trite things that people say, but it's true, you know? It's like, I thought I had meaning and purpose and I do, you know, I, I, I, you know, like I said, I just, I'm so lucky and I, even like people aren't unfulfilled in certain areas, but I'm lucky.

I love, I love my job. I'm a comedian. I wanted to be a comedian since I'm a little kid, a little kid is all I wanted to do. And I didn't even start doing it like this until very late in life. And I, I'm so lucky that I did it. it, because I could imagine I could have never done it. It's all I care about, you know? Like, so I always am, like, blown away every day that I am a working comedian.

Like, wait, my dream came true. Like, it's wild to me. Because you could be a comic, too, and it's so hard to, like, stay the course and then to get by and make a living and all that stuff, you know, and I Really don't think what is the percentage of comedians that get to that level like that can say this is my job You know, I mean like I don't know but like I never would Believe it and so that's so I feel like I have a purpose and I and I and I and I love my family and like I'm just I have a purpose and I love my family. I am very self-aware and reflective and everything. But then when I had my daughter, it's like everything just

melts away. It's like there's just one thing that matters. It's so fulfilling. And it's a source of joy and energy and just the love. The love is a different level of love. And so it's like, it's not like, oh, I'm afraid. Like, oh, I hope I don't fuck this up. It's like, it's the best thing that's ever happened to you.

You're gonna honor it. You know what I mean? Like you die. You feel like you become a new person? Yeah, yeah. I mean, I am, I've had, I, I'm late in life, so I feel like I was, I'm always getting, I'll never be, you know,

always getting in touch with yourself and learning more about yourself. Oh yeah, 100%. But I did have a soul late in life that I feel like I, you know, just to say like if I had a kid when I was 25 or 45, I know who I am more. So in that respect, I feel good about that.

But yeah, yeah, yeah, because you have a new title, you have a new job, you have a new purpose, you know. And it's so beautiful because everything that she consumes, how she learns life, how she learns what life is about and who people are and who she is and everything from just her brain developing and learning words and just to emotions and the things she observes and molding the person that she becomes and wanting to give her, do better than, you always want to do better and do better and you know, and you know, I'm always like trying to, you know, we fail, but trying to better myself. And like she just like, it's like on step on the gas. You know what I mean? Like everything I do,

I run through the filter of her. Everything now, like, I mean, like, it has nothing to do with her. I say, will this, if my daughter saw me doing this, if my daughter saw me working on this or talking to someone like this or speaking like this or handling myself in this way, like, will it make her proud? You know, it will set an example for her. And so like, I just, like, I walk around thinking of that all the time now.

And it's really great. It's really great to hold yourself to a standard, which I did before, but like I said, this is a deep new level and to hold yourself to the standard, but want to do it and be proud to try and then be proud to, and then succeed at it, you know, like, and know it. Oh, I, I'm... Right.

I have an integrity here with you. You should feel like, I'm big on oh, hi, I'm... Right. I have an integrity here with you. What you feel like, I'm big on integrity, man. I have my whole life. And so as a guy who has always been on like my word, I give you my word, I'm honest. Like I try to be genuine. I don't fucking, I can't stand phony people. I don't like, you know, I just,

I don't like people that aren't kind, you know? Like I'm just very, I don't know, whatever. My work, everything I do, I try the the hardest I can I kill myself with that shit, but like So so being a person like that already to then have the marker be Her and how that how the person she becomes and who how she thinks of me what's gonna be her perception of me That's the highest and so it's like it's like the super bowl of like integrity. And, uh, and, and it's, and it's a wonderful thing. It's not a hard thing. It's, it's a gift. It's like a gift. You know, it, it just probably sounds so corny to people.

I don't think it sounds corny at all, dude. And it's like, I know everyone says it and I probably just sound like I just realized it, but it's like, like I said, it's just different when it happens. We never talk about it on here. I don't have a, yeah, I never really talk about like to friends about their, about kids or anything like that. And it's just funny because it's a place that I'm at in my life now and I don't wonder how that'll look. And it's just funny how like God kind of puts things together and is like, oh, well, how about this? Why don't I connect you with this awesome example of a guy who, um, feels like he's got, who has been bringing joy forever and found a whole new level of joy. This guy made 300 episodes of joy and now I trumped him with one episode of joy. Right, right, right.

You know? Yeah, it's wild, dude. Now it's outside, the episode never ends and there's no commercial Breaks. Oh and so your special is it's coming out next week. Uh, yeah, it's great. It's called terrified. It's on youtube Salvocano terrified on youtube. It's on 800 pound gorillas Uh channel. Oh, yeah, they're great man. I made my first album with them. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah So yeah, that's uh, i'm super excited about it, man. And the tour is going on sale the same day. Okay, nice. Yeah, I got the whole tour coming up, I mean, geez, the next year.

Everything's fine tour. Tickets at SavalacanoComedy.com. So it's a big week, you know, next week. Yeah, everything. So hopefully people want to come see me. Hopefully people want to come watch it and want to watch it. Yeah. Thanks for coming and talking about that with me, man. Yeah, that's so exciting. So to have a big tour heading out right on the back of the special launch and it's your first special. Yeah, it's my first special, not my first tour, but to come out together, it's like a big,

like hold your breath day, you know what I mean? Because it's been a long road, it's a long road for a comedian to get to his first special. It means so much. Yeah, you know how you know I remember your first Netflix one People are so excited when you know when you get a chance to do your first special. It's like yeah, I'm doing this I've dude I worked so hard. I mean, I know we all do it just like I was in this zone You know it never mind that it's like ten years of whatever the material, but like just the last like ramping up to it the last six months, I spent hours on it every single day for like to the point of the day after I filmed it, I felt like I was going to pass out because

it's like, I can't believe I don't have to think about this thing. Oh, yeah. Getting meticulous with stuff, you know, like the every little thing, you know, getting it like that. And I and everyone that worked on me with I just want to say thank you because they did such a huge team. They did such a good job. I think it looks really great Like I just it's just it just I'm really I'm proud of it You know as I hope you I'm anxious because you know like you get like people that just They don't care. They hate gonna hate you no matter what yeah, you know, but I really it's very it's personal, you know and

Yeah, and then the tour launching with it. I hope it like I just I'm just hoping for big things, you know? Um, and, uh, yeah. And then the tour launching with it, I hope it like, I just, I'm just hoping for big things, you know, like, stay, you know, I just, cause I'm, you know, I just want to go ahead. Like, I just want to be full on standup and, and, you know, like I said, I'm lucky that we got another season of the show and stuff. But, you know, after that is kind of like, you know, what I'm jumping into, but it's been tough touring nonstop, you know, with the show, but dude, this is just like

I'm really I'm just like so thanks for having me. Thanks. Let me talk about it and stuff. Yeah. No, it's huge, man I mean that's like oh, yeah getting your first special Man, yeah, I know we just realized that your time we got to get you out of here. Yeah, my flight boys in 17 minutes I'm sorry. I don't need to run out like that. No, it's okay for another two hours, dude Yeah, same same here man. We can I'll sorry. I didn't mean to run out like that No, it's okay. I'm gonna talk to you for another two hours, dude. Yeah, same same here, man We can um, I'll have to come up and visit you guys, please and uh and um Come and come over that come over the house have dinner and stuff. Yeah, I'd love to man. I love you, man I love you, buddy. I'm just happy to get to spend time with you today. This is just I told you I texted you

I was excited to so excited to see you. You didn't disappoint. I always love catching up with you, bro Thanks, man. Same congratulations on your first comedy special Thanks, bro. You started off a comedian. You still are man. Thank you for all the years of entertainment. Sal Boccano Appreciate you Stone oh but when I reach that ground I'll share this peace of mind I found I can feel it in my bones