This Past Weekend - E508 Joey Diaz

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Starting point is 00:01:32 Just watch out for fakes, and thank you guys for your support. Coming to you live from Austin today, today's guest is a comedian, probably one of the most unique comedians of all time. He has a new book out called Tremendous, which you can check out on Amazon. He was the host of the Fame Podcast, legendary podcast, The Church of What's Happening Now. He has his own podcast now with Lee Syatt called The Check In. I'm grateful to catch up today with one of my heroes, Mr. Joey Coco Diaz. What do you say?

Starting point is 00:02:39 Jelly Roll? Yeah, go ahead. I think it's alright. So this is Jelly Roll like Jelly Roll every time he wins an award he gets up there and he's like I just want to thank Right now there's somebody stuck under a bridge There's somebody out there who's got a size 11 foot in a size 8 tennis shoe And I just want to say you wanna say you can live your dreams.

Starting point is 00:03:06 Every time, dude, every time they call his name for any, every time Jelly gets an award, man, he just, he's so full of feelings, bro. He gets up there and he's just like, I just wanna, I wanna tell you that I was a, I was a maitre d' at a macaroni grill and now I'm a Grammy award winning artist. Like sometimes it's just rockin'.

Starting point is 00:03:30 Like, bro, if they even like at a fat, like I feel like even at Chipotle, if they just call his name to come get his order, he goes out there, he picks it up. He's like, I wanna let every illegal alien in this motherfucker know no! In 40 days! And with only 90 singing lessons, you can win a fucking American musical!

Starting point is 00:03:52 Rarr! 90 singing lessons. Dude, it was better last night when I did it. Oh my God, I was dying. I was dying in my sleep. He was so... You do him to the T, it's fucking crazy. Everybody was dying last night. Some people do them real good Yeah, Joey Diaz man. Good to see you brother. Good to see you too. My food too man. That was fun last night

Starting point is 00:04:15 I was a lot of fun. Yeah, just seeing you for fucking years to you. I know just the pandemic man. I haven't seen anybody Yeah, I really so funny I realized I didn't realize how much I miss seeing you until I got out of the car out of the uber at the Mothership and I was like is Joey here and they're like, yeah, and I literally my legs like I ran upstairs I was so happy. I first person I asked for when I got them like what's fucking feel? Yeah, I could be here later Now we haven't seen each other. It's been, it's fucking crazy, man, what happens to life sometimes.

Starting point is 00:04:54 Yeah, has it been good? Have you been feeling good in Jersey? It seems like everything's good. You look great. The first fucking year was a struggle, because I was lost. I was fucking lost. I was like, you know, what I was trying to do was, honestly, was just figure out what happened

Starting point is 00:05:06 in the last 30 years. After the pan, when the pandemic hit, we were all gung-ho. We were very all gung-ho. Oh yeah. But like by May of the pandemic, I was like, what the fuck happened? I came here, I auditioned for Mitzi Shaw,

Starting point is 00:05:24 and I don't know what I did, but I was like, what the fuck happened? I came here, I auditioned for Mitzi Shaw, and I don't know what happened. Like, here we are. Yeah. You know, movies talking to this guy, talking to that guy. The store at the end, before the pandemic, it was something that you'll never ever see again.

Starting point is 00:05:41 I still remember I would do spots and then go to the kitchen After my spot and just sit for a minute and look out into the bar area and stuff And it would be like celebrities MMA people The Clippers, you know, it was something every night. It was just too overwhelming Yeah, every time you left the store on Tuesdays or Thursdays Oh, you got in your car and you had to fucking drive 30 minutes just to be compressed. Dr. Dre was hanging out at night before the fucking thing.

Starting point is 00:06:12 He was coming into the store every night. It was just a scene that was hard to believe. We had our own fucking thing. Kennison, Dice, those guys had their thing and we had our thing. It's really true. I didn't realize it either until I went back, like I've gone back over the past two years,

Starting point is 00:06:30 and it's like, it's not even, it's not even the same thing anymore. It was like a lightning striking when everybody was there. Dude, the lineups sometimes, like on a Tuesday night? I still have them. I save everything, everything. I would clip a lineup. I would take a picture of it or something and go,

Starting point is 00:06:50 this is where you were with these guys. I want to see somebody try to take something away from me. Like, do you know what I'm saying? Like, people always go, whoa, you didn't do it. Listen, bitch. And this is these lineups in 2019 what about the lineups well 2009 I wasn't there but in 99 I was there and I remember looking at those lineups and they weren't good but you had fucking animals like three of them there on the

Starting point is 00:07:19 lineups it wasn't like nine motherfuckers coming out yet yeah Ali Wong to you to the leah It was a calvocade every Tuesday and Thursday and everybody got along Whitney Fuck just Joe Segura Fucking Tripoli Brennan Eddie Bravo Owen Smith. It was fucking crazy. What was down? They had Fighters that weren't even comedians fucking doing 20 minutes. It was crazy. They had MMA fighters that weren't even comedians

Starting point is 00:07:46 fucking doing 20 minutes down. It was fucking crazy. Eddie Bravo was doing like 40 fucking minutes, bro. Fucking crazy. You think about it. People walked in there, and it's like they got high. Yeah. Soon as people walked in, it's like walking into the mothership, you know?

Starting point is 00:08:05 You walk in and you're just taken. You're just taken. And this is, you know, I didn't do it for one summer. I did it for 30 fucking years. So now I gotta figure out where they took me. Yeah. You know, where the fuck did they take me? I mean.

Starting point is 00:08:18 Yeah, just to look at that lineup and be like, it doesn't even feel like you're really the person doing it. No. You ever see Oh God, You you devil any of those Oh God movies Is it like a black movie or no? No, no George Burns. Oh, yeah Fucks are people. Yeah, you got the Coke bottle or whatever and it's really weird. Yeah those things they're fucking One of the guys he went to I'll never forget like I this is way before I got into comedy Way before I got to comedy. Way before I got into comedy.

Starting point is 00:08:46 I started watching them, I like movies. And there was one particular guy, that the guy was a musician and he was struggling. And he was like a Bruce Springsteen type guy. And then he came to him and he fucking shut out the light, cause he was the devil. He plays the devil. And he starts a deal with you to sell your soul.

Starting point is 00:09:05 Oh, God, you devil. I remember the gods must be crazy. Was that him? No, no, that's why you're getting confused with the Africans and stuff. But that's what I feel like. The guy during the movie, after he became the star, he would go, what the fuck? What the fuck? And then he would go to a restaurant

Starting point is 00:09:27 After he knew the devil took his soul He would go to a restaurant and see the girl he was engaged with and now she was about to have a baby and This was his life like it's fucking crazy. And that's what I felt like Yeah, a lot of times like did I just do that? Why do people want to take a picture with me? I'm a felon. Yeah, your mother told you to stay away from people like me and you want to take a picture with me And it was just mind-boggling. So that was the first year in Jersey, it was just Come on figure out coming down. It was I was coming down I was I had committed to coming down and seeing what life was like

Starting point is 00:10:06 with the fucking and the sticks, you know, and started going to softball games and basketball games with my daughter. Were you playing or you were just coaching or what? Nah, I don't even coach. I just sit there, I get high and I sit there and watch. Oh yeah, but still. Watch the fucking girls go, you know, it's so funny. I used to go to my father-in-law's house in Nashville.

Starting point is 00:10:23 That motherfucker's always watching girls softball. And I would look at him and go, I'm not even used to go to my father-in-law's house in Nashville, that motherfucker's always watching girls softball, and I would look at him and go, I'm not even gonna say nothing to my wife, but this is the most pedophilia fucking thing ever, an old guy watching girls softball. Well guess what, I became that fucking old guy. Now I go to her games, I go to her basketball games, you know, there's so much, listen man,

Starting point is 00:10:43 for me to get into comedy, I lost a family, I lost a daughter, you know, she's 34. I haven't talked, 30 fucking four. Like this was part of the whole like what happened? Like I left Boulder when she was five. And now she's 30 fucking four. We haven't spoken in 20 years. No way.

Starting point is 00:11:03 20 fucking years, 20, yeah it's got to be 20 years now Is it are there times where just hit you and it just hurt sometimes? It really hurt in the beginning for years. It really took me part of the addiction and all that shit was that And I made peace with it. I knew that this wasn't gonna work It wasn't in the cards and you you gotta move on. Then I had this, then God gave me a second chance. And they threw another girl at me. And I'm like, what am I gonna do here? So I said, let me sink in, you know,

Starting point is 00:11:35 and fucking be a dad. I got a second chance to do this the right way this time. And this is what I'm gonna do. And that was a real thought in your head. You're like, I got this, this is God giving me a second chance here. Fuck. Yeah, you know I've gotten Theo How many second chances have I fucking got a better decent amount so? Some second chances you got a jump on and go you know what this ain't gonna happen again

Starting point is 00:11:56 Yeah, I can make peace with myself. You know I heard things. I wasn't a good dad I heard tons of shit from my ex-wife and now I'm living it You know now I'm living like a nice house cause you know we we don't I'm not a jet set. You know that I'm not a BMW guy and nothing. I'm just happy and comfortable Yeah, you know I retire in four fucking years my daughter collects social security for three of those years The ones I didn't get when my mother died So everything comes full fucking circle man. Oh really social security, you get it for how long? So when my mother died, I didn't get social security

Starting point is 00:12:33 because they said she didn't work enough quarters. She owned a business. So I had no money coming in when I was a kid, for all those years. And it's weird now, I got a letter about six months ago about retiring and all this shit would benefit. And I'm like, I don't wanna retire, I wanna keep slinging dick.

Starting point is 00:12:49 I mean, I feel great to go out there. I'm not in the mood to go on planes every weekend. No, it's a lot. It's a young man, it's not a young man's game. It's a young man's game. But it's a- It really is. It's not even that you can't do it,

Starting point is 00:13:02 it's just can you put up, it it's like the stress it just wears on you You know, I did it for so long I get it with people and I will forget I'll forget sometimes Joey how long I did this shift for I'll like be going to The airport I'm like fuck. I just cannot Do this I cannot get on a plane and people like what are you talking about man? And but part of my brain is just like I just I don't know what time when I wasn't going to the airport yeah or wasn't getting the car for a fucking haul my thing was this I dreaded the road yeah until I got in the uber until you got in the what uber yeah once I get in the uber and I got an

Starting point is 00:13:41 edible in me and I'm headed to fucking LAX look out motherfuckers Yeah, look out come out of friendly. That's what happens to me. It's the leader. Mm-hmm. It was towards the last year. I Would wake up in the middle of nights going I can't believe I booked this trip to this place Yeah, fuck I should have taken that week off and I shouldn't have booked that's I can't believe I gotta go to this town This week. Yeah, like fuck. He's tickled town or something. There's always some you're like fuck Puerto Rico I dude I did a fucking weekend in Puerto Rico one time and I was like what the fuck some new joint they put how like I never should have went nine people fucking showed up to a couple gay I

Starting point is 00:14:22 Think it was like a sex laundering or whatever, but I didn't do anything, but I went and you know I tried to do my best comedy, but just fucking unreal bro. No, we've been doing this for a long time and You are some of this shit It's like I just went back to Jersey and I was like To top it off. I haven't lived in Jersey in 40 years. You got a driveway over there? Yeah. Yeah. Driveway, fucking backyard, I got raccoons.

Starting point is 00:14:51 Yeah. I got a raccoon that will not leave me the fuck alone. Really? And he's become like friends. He's like buddy now. He just comes, he tries to, I put two bricks in the garbage, he looks at me at night like, motherfucker, you got me again.

Starting point is 00:15:04 Then he leaves. I put a piece of nicotine gum in that motherfucker. I didn't see him for a week. That motherfucker was running up and down fucking my street with nicotine in him. But you know, I live in a great neighborhood. It's quiet. Theo, I live around the corner from Jimmy Florentine. Oh yeah, he's an awesome guy.

Starting point is 00:15:21 Awesome guy. But I mean, that's a week down. You go down there, you're like, whoa. I gotta learn how to fucking navigate this shit. Go down where, to his house? No, no, to my house. Like, when I moved down to this place. Oh, it was quiet.

Starting point is 00:15:34 I'm an hour out of New York City. I'm an hour 15 out of New York City. I'm an hour where I was raised from. Like, North Bergen, right across the city. Where James J. Braddock is from? Yeah. No way. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:15:47 I used to shovel the driveway. You're lying. When we were kids. Nuh-uh. Yeah. And his son was a fucking cop. And yeah, that's the park there. JJ Braddock Park.

Starting point is 00:15:57 They just put a beautiful statue up there. That neighborhood was rocking. When we were kids, not only did he live in town, J.J. Braddock, but fuckin' the other guy, Jethro's father. Jethro Tull? No, Jethro from the Beverly Hillbillies. Oh, that's what he got? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:16:19 That dude had a father? Yeah. Bro, anybody could have made that That row is a bad motherfucker that Wow So yeah, you saw James J Braddock when you were a kid. Yeah, like no and 12 We'd go to Hudson County Park and one day somebody said go up there He would just give you like 10 bucks to shovel in front of his house like fucking when it snowed So I only went up there like once or twice. It was way out of my neighborhood.

Starting point is 00:16:45 He probably didn't know it was snowing. He probably was a snow globe. He got hit some. That dude was fucking tough, bro. Oh yeah. That dude's tough. I saw some tapes of him. That dude was Irish, fucking Longshoreman.

Starting point is 00:16:55 He was fucking, he'll fight you with one fucking hand, those guys. Yeah. Yeah, right there. Jane J. Braddock Park. Right there. Damn, dude, that's one of my favorite movies, dude. I've probably watched that movie maybe 12 times.

Starting point is 00:17:06 I love that movie. When I saw it I was crying up a storm. The funny thing was I got in trouble for that movie. Listen to this, I'm at the longest yard premiere. What the longest fucking yard premiere. But you're in so that is. Right so I walk into my seats, I sit down and the last seat is open.

Starting point is 00:17:25 I'm sitting there with my wife. We're talking about shit and all sudden right before the movie starts Fucking Cameron Crows this next to me and on his sleeve. He's got North Bergen Did you see the jacket he made for Braddock when he was shooting that movie? No, no fucking great jacket He sat next to me man, and I'm like, oh What the fuck is gladiator doing next to me? I didn't say nothing. Camera Crow, so that's the guy that made Gladiator? Russell Crowe, I'm sorry.

Starting point is 00:17:53 Oh, Russell Crowe. Russell Crowe. It's Russell Crowe sitting next to me, the guy who played J.J. Brannock, you know. Oh, really? And he had the jacket on. Nuh-uh. And as the movie ended, I couldn't take it no more.

Starting point is 00:18:04 The longest yard fucking ended, I couldn't take it no more. The longest yard fucking ended, everybody's clapping. The producers from the longest yard are sitting in front of me and I turn to fucking Russell and I go, yo, that's the fucking movie of the year right there. And he looked at me and the producers looked at me. I'm supposed to be pushing the longest yard, but I'm telling him this is the fucking movie of the year

Starting point is 00:18:28 Cinderella man, he started laughing his ass off you're from North Bergen We started giggling and then because my friends told me when he was shooting the movie they would see him at different delis He was doing different delis around fucking town. Just checking them out checking them out. Whatever. Well most stuff like that I love that movie man. I love that movie and that's one of the reasons I have like this, I mean, I'm, you know, Dustin is fighting in Jersey, coming up. Two weeks. And then Islam, yep, in two weeks. Yeah, that's a great fight.

Starting point is 00:18:57 Yeah, and so part of me is like, I'm like tying it in my head, I'm like, dude, when he told me that, I was like, dude, it's like James J. Braddock, bro, it's like Cinderella, man. When are you coming up? I'm gonna come up the day before Friday. Yeah, I got a show Friday where that beacon Well, maybe before the show I'll take you to JJ Braddock part no way Yeah, the fucking we're gonna park we eat over there. They got good fucking yeah Yeah, I would love to do that. They got a they got a fucking food over there. Oh. Yeah, I would love to, dude.

Starting point is 00:19:25 They got a fucking, a place called Toppers, right down the block from there, and an Italian place, that's tremendous. Spaghetti with little meatballs. Any way you go, and if not, we go up to Rudy's, forget about it. Everything's good. Oh, oh.

Starting point is 00:19:39 Yeah. It's funny, where I live, there's great food. I mean, fucking, I brought Rogan down there, his head almost blew up. They got everything down there and it's so weird Like he leave they go and I take Leo all the time. He loses his fucking mind. Who's Leo? Lee Lee Yeah, brother place that little fucking walkie-talkie. I saw him the other night, dude I saw him the other night, dude. He was fucking, dude. That fucking little fucking gumball machine.

Starting point is 00:20:06 That motherfucker is killing me, dog. The fucking Jewish Christmas present. That little fucking. And he's doing comedy. And he's doing great with it. Yeah, he's been doing it, I think, almost five years now. Yeah, he goes on the road. He fucking.

Starting point is 00:20:19 He's opening up for people. Does he close yet? I know he's opening up for people. Yeah, he opens up Rogan, a couple, I'm not Rogan, Josh Wolf. Yeah, Josh Wolf. That's when he opened up for my friend. Yeah, that's when I saw him, Josh Wolf, and Jacob Wolf

Starting point is 00:20:30 the other day at a clothing store. But then yeah, me and Lee went up to the mothership one night. Yeah, he was excited, dude. I'll never forget that time. I think it might've been the first time I came on on you guys' podcast. I came on, on you guys' podcast, and in the beginning there was something in the headphones.

Starting point is 00:20:51 It was like, Lee, I'm hearing like a little, like a sound in the headphones. He's like, I'm trying to fix it. Right, so he's over there fucking, I think he was like looking on his phone, trying to figure out, the whole board is in front of him, or whatever. Fast forward two hours, dude, I think we did some mushrooms or something.

Starting point is 00:21:08 Lee is unconscious or semi-unconscious. I don't wanna say he was unconscious, but he wasn't associated with you and me, and we were the only people in the room. So he's over there and he's like, and I hear this sound in the headphones again, and it's like, And I hear this sound in the headphones again, and it's like,

Starting point is 00:21:24 eee. This time it was him making like a wheezy. He had like some HVAC issues going on or something that motherfucker. That was the thing that really killed me. I gotta be honest. Like if he hit a popcorn bag, that's been fucking good.

Starting point is 00:21:39 That's cooked to the max, bro. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what he sounded like? Yeah, just when that first like kind of. But what killed you? Sorry I interrupted you. No, no, no, you know what fucking killed me, man? Those eight years of that podcast with Lee, that was rough.

Starting point is 00:21:56 Like I didn't know how rough it was till I stopped doing it. Like what do you mean keeping up every week by having a party every week, you mean? We were fucking, what party? It was a it Was a non-stop party. Yeah. Oh y'all were Neil Armstrong and that other guy who fights people we were fucking But Aldrin we were doing 2,000 milligrams mushrooms

Starting point is 00:22:16 Vicodin's whatever people dropped in that office fucking What's the therapy people do Oh ket, ketamine therapy? Ketamine. Oh yeah. We were doing ketamine in there. Y'all put Owen Benjamin into the woods, you gotta fucking put that dude in a blender. There was a couple people that wanted to blend, including myself.

Starting point is 00:22:35 Yeah. Fuck, I put myself in a blender. I was mixed goods for fucking a year after that. When I got home, when I moved to Jersey. Brackish water. When I moved to Jersey Jersey I moved to August Right August 19th and we stayed in the corporate housing till my house is ready Are you were building house? No, the house wasn't we couldn't move in till September 2nd. Oh, yeah

Starting point is 00:22:57 So we had two weeks in corporate housing Those two weeks were like I was just driving my wife crazy. Yeah. Because I was eating 3000 milligrams a day. I was bored. I was lonely. It was a pandemic. Oh, yeah. I was eating Xanax to fucking help me go to sleep. I was eating Xanax on the road. And I'll never forget, I went back there

Starting point is 00:23:21 and I got so high one night, I melted the tea kettle. Cause I used to make Michael Jackson tea at night, like I'd make like edible tea and put 2000 milligrams in there and the sleepy time. And mix it up and it'd be Michael Jackson tea. Put some Sesame Street on and start jerking off. Yeah, I feel ya.

Starting point is 00:23:40 The fucking hole. One night I made that shit and I was like, I'm not high enough. God, I can't believe you even said that to yourself. Like it was like, the first month in Jersey was a fucking, like I wasn't high enough, so I went to make another batch of tea, and I passed out. And when I got up, like two hours later,

Starting point is 00:23:59 the fucking steam thing, the chi, it ran out of water and it just fucking collapsed into a little metal thing. My wife wife's like we gotta throw that away and It's just like least I it's just like And then I had like fucking I fell asleep at a restaurant. I was taking a hash pills Yeah, and we were the restaurant. We mean ash pills like from a fire hash hash. Oh hash hash pills hash pills Yeah, Jesus Christ. Yeah. Yeah, no, it was nonstop We were fucking you know smoke, I mean listen I was going to the weed store every other day Wow and every other dad by

Starting point is 00:24:40 Every other day why'd you have to get so high you think just it was part of the thing I know to top it off. I was drinking Eight to ten express those a day Cuban coffee Direction you want to go son dog it was edibles sleep Edible it was stand-, sleep, edibles, it was just too much. Wow. And did you know what you wanted to do at that point?

Starting point is 00:25:09 Or were you thinking like, I don't know what I wanna do? Cause I remember there was a point right when the pandemic happened, right? After like 30, 40 days and not being able to do comedy. First I'm like, I'll take a little break, it's great. It's great. But then I'm like, I haven't taken a break in my whole life. I never made a choice what I wanted to do.

Starting point is 00:25:26 I made a choice 20 years ago. And now I'm just still doing that choice. I don't even know what I wanna be doing. So there was a time I was like, I don't even know what, you know, what's going on, you know? I remember that. And then, yeah, for a little bit I didn't know. Thankfully I kept podcasting, but.

Starting point is 00:25:42 Yeah, during the pandemic, that's what saved me, was we kept podcasting. Yeah. Fuck it, getting fucked up in there at night. I mean, listen, the podcast started at seven and we would get there at six, talk shit, me and Lee, start doing Edibles, and then you would come at seven.

Starting point is 00:26:01 Kick that mule, baby. And we'd do another hour of chit chat, bongs, edibles, and then a two hour podcast. And then after the podcast ended, we'd hang out for another hour. I wasn't getting home till two in the morning. Podcast started at seven o'clock at night. The church, baby.

Starting point is 00:26:16 How the fuck can a podcast be, you know, you're there seven hours for a two hour fucking podcast. Two nights a week, and it was constant. Yeah, I left out of there. They got that set on YouTube somewhere where I was on mushrooms. Yeah, yeah, not even the mushrooms. We were nonstop.

Starting point is 00:26:32 It was like fun. The THC scene was growing. I felt like a damn taquito when I left out of there, bro. That was fucking cool. Yeah, you know, the fucking weed scene was growing with us. Weed companies were sticking their hands out. Edible companies were giving me fucking edibles. Then comedy chaos.

Starting point is 00:26:50 Who got the most fucked up over the time? Give me the five people that probably, when they showed up at the church, they definitely, they got the holiest of water, bro. Who got doused the most up there? I saw a lot of people go through changes. Right in fucking front of me. You could see their eyes and I'm like, you know.

Starting point is 00:27:11 From spring to fall, a damn solstice right in front of you. Sarah Tiana. Yeah. And I love her, that was not good. That made me feel really bad, you know, cause she's the fucking salt of the earth. I love that girl. She's so sweet.

Starting point is 00:27:25 So funny. There was a lot of there was a lot of shit that people didn't see. Yeah. Like one of the best episodes we did was Stephen Bauer the first time. You know, Stephen Bauer was the guy from Scarface. No, did he pass away? No, no, no. He played Manolo. He played Manny. I mean, he was at the store, too. He was going to the store at the end. He came in one time with cargo shorts.

Starting point is 00:27:48 Now you gotta remember, it was like here, the cameras are facing me. That's the time he came in with cargo shorts. The camera would face him, and every once in a while he'd go off camera and take a liquor bottle out of his sock. First they were in his sock. I mean, this is classic shit. He would take them out of his sock first and drink them.

Starting point is 00:28:11 And then put them upside down over here. Then there were six empty ones. Then he started going in his cargo pants. And he would take another bottle out and drink it. We counted like nine fucking bottles plus the beer he was drinking. Oh yeah. Plus God knows what else, you know people doing that,

Starting point is 00:28:29 a guy came on one day, I forget what the fucking guy's name was, I haven't spoken to him in like three years, he disappeared. Was it a Japanese guy? No, he's a Italian guy, I forget what his fucking name was. He would come on there and bring bags of pills. I'm not talking about like a prescription bottle, like he'd come in with like, oh, I got these,

Starting point is 00:28:49 and then when you take these, like this is the way he carried the bag. When you took one of these, you did one of these, and then if this don't do it, this don't do it. And he'd give us pills by the hand. I didn't know what they were. We used to just call them happy pills. When you're just eating pills,

Starting point is 00:29:04 and you don't know what the fuck they are, And I remember I did his podcast once on a Sunday and when I got there They had bags of fucking pills at the studio Wow and one day I go, you know what? Give me one of those fucking pills It's the Lord's I got nothing going on. I Was high from one o'clock in the afternoon to fucking the next day. I don't know what type of pill I took I don't know what he was giving out that day. I mean, I was fucked up. Did it have like a leopard pattern on it? I have no fucking idea.

Starting point is 00:29:31 I didn't see no leopards. I didn't see nothing. Cause I took some shit. Yeah, one time this guy, I don't wanna say the dude was gay, but everybody knew he was gay and he knew he was gay. But he gave me a couple somas to drive him somewhere. Right, dude? He's like, this is the worst idea ever, bruh.

Starting point is 00:29:47 And RIP, bro, my boy Billy Conforto. But he gave me a couple somas to drive him somewhere. He's like, Dio, bruh. Cause he looked like Don Flamenco. Remember Don Flamenco from Mike Tyson's Punch Out? This guy was the first homosexual that everybody knew in our area. And he also was a pride.

Starting point is 00:30:05 Billy was a fighter too. He grew up boxing, right? And then, so he would get the one with the rose in his mouth that looks more like him. There you go. That's Billy right there, bro. Okay. So he fucking goes, Theo, bro, I'll give you a couple somas. You drive me across the lake, bro.

Starting point is 00:30:23 I was like, all right. I've never taken somas in my life too, so... I took two of them bitches, dude. He went into the service station to get a prepaid phone call or something because he has some domestic issues, but... So he comes back out, bro, and I fucking... It only been about 12 minutes of taking them bitches. We start driving, dude.

Starting point is 00:30:43 I took a right turn and the place didn't even exist, bro. Fucking road didn't even exist, bro. Right in the ditch, dude. Oh my God. Bro, he fucking takes my body, moves me over to the passenger seat to cops gate. He went to jail for like four months, dude. So he's switching it.

Starting point is 00:31:03 Oh fucking G, bro. Bless his heart, because he knew he put me in that situation. I was a child. He was like an adult, bro. But it was, I was just trying to, but who gives their driver fucking two somas, you know? So just poor pill management, really, but-

Starting point is 00:31:20 Poor pill management, yeah it is. But damn, that was something, dude. God. When I think of some of the times, dude. It scares you. Yeah, when I think of the times that I drove fucked up, Joey, when I used to get, I would put both of my feet on the pedals, right?

Starting point is 00:31:38 Because I was too nervous to let one of my feet make all the decisions, right? So I was like, I ain't trusting this one of my feet, I'm gonna have both feet down there in case something pops off, right? So I had one on each pedal make all the decisions, right? So I was like, I ain't trusting this one of my feet. I'm gonna have both feet down there in case something pops off, right? So I had one on each pedal, but even then it's like playing, you know, it's a little bit of driver's ed kind of vibes. It's a, so, and I would be like in a crosswalk

Starting point is 00:31:55 and I would be high and somebody would be walking through and I'd be like, do not fucking hit the gas, bro. Just hoping my feet didn't do their own shit and start a new adventure for themselves, you know? it just got me so, just being so fucked up that you didn't know if you were gonna be able to rely on yourself, you know? That shit was tough. That's one thing about me I never fucking did.

Starting point is 00:32:14 As crazy as I am, I could do anything. Like if you said to me, Joey, can we do this? Let's go. I'm not scared of cops, you know. When I was running, I was running, okay? When you're running, you're running. There's one thing I'm not scared of cops. When I was running, I was running. When you're running, you're running. There's one thing I hate doing, drinking and driving.

Starting point is 00:32:32 Or partying and driving. Listen, I can smoke a joint and drive better than most people. The other shit, I cannot drink and drive. It won't let me. My body shuts down. Because I know I could talk to a cop, but if I'm drinking, I can't talk to him. It won't let me. My body shuts down. Because I know I could talk to a cop, but if I'm drinking, I can't talk to him.

Starting point is 00:32:48 Because he's got me. I'm guilty, I'm guilty. I'm not gonna fucking try to tell him I have one drink. That's why I won't even have one drink when I go out. The fear of a cop pulling me over and asking me were you drinking. And then I gotta go, yeah. And then he gets me out of the car,

Starting point is 00:33:01 and then I gotta do the fucking 10 steps. So before I go through all that shit, and we didn't have Ubers. I didn't have an Uber. Now, fucking great to get high. You can do whatever the fuck you want now. Yeah, people don't understand what that was like, not having an Uber.

Starting point is 00:33:17 You had to get high. Say if you wanted to leave a place, you had to fucking walk off. Walk or fucking run or fucking go through the weeds or some shit You know my thing was I I'm still very grateful that And all those years nothing happened bad on the road and bro. I Was in situations where?

Starting point is 00:33:40 You know a lot of shit could happen drug-wise One time in Beaumont that like when I think of nights that I could have died, it's Beaumont. Beaumont, for reals, I fucking OD'd on Valium. Really? You could OD on the sunset there, it's a beautiful area. I couldn't talk for three days. I had to go to a hotel room, my face was dragging. It's like I had ballsy face.

Starting point is 00:34:03 Couldn't go home, couldn't get on a plane. I blew my ho check in a hotel in Houston, fucking coming down, hiding from people. Drinking Gatorade's from. Yeah, it's, so many things could have happened. All those weeks in Miami doing drugs, Houston. Houston was fucking, you came to Houston to lose your mind and do comedy

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Starting point is 00:36:28 Stand out with Chubbys. That's a fucking, I had a friend, well he wasn't a friend. When I was like 24, there was an old guy that hung out at one of the bars. Oh yeah. And he would just drink and then throw punches in the air. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:36:42 And say, you talking to me? And he would throw punches, you know. You know the whole fucking thing. So I'm doing coke in this bar, and every day he'd talk to himself, and yeah, I'll fucking kick your ass. And he'd throw jabs. And one day I asked the bar,

Starting point is 00:36:56 what's up with this fucking guy? He goes, you don't know Johnny Reed? I go, nah. You know, it was 1984, I'm a kid. I don't know Johnny Reed. He goes, is he crazy? He goes, you don't know what he did? I go, no.

Starting point is 00:37:05 He goes, he tried to kill himself, jumped out of a building and landed in a garbage dumpster. And he just bopped his head. So now he's fucked up. He would get a check from the government on the first, and he would just give it to the bartender and say, tell me when it's over. By the 18th, he'd be broke,

Starting point is 00:37:21 and he'd be in there fucking arguing with the bartender. I locked him in the bathroom one day. Doug. I locked him in the bathroom one day. Doug, I locked him in the bathroom at 2.30 in the afternoon because in Jersey, the bathroom's locked from the outside. He was driving us crazy, talking about boxing. 1964, I took him to the body and we're like, Johnny, knock it off. He went into the bathroom, I can't take Johnny no more.

Starting point is 00:37:41 We locked him. We left. We leave. Oh, you got to. I came back at nine I go to the bathroom. He's still in the bathroom locked. He came and he's like whoo That's the noise he made when I open the door goes whoo This guy used to fuck me like we give them up then towards the end. I'll go Johnny ever do coke

Starting point is 00:37:57 Yeah, I give him a line of coke and that would put his ember ism Whatever craziness he had he'd go even worse and that would put his emberism, whatever craziness he had, he'd go even worse. And I still remember giving him a line of Coke, like a two in the morning, like a bump, and then being in the car at five, going to the city to get Coke, and seeing him walking over the George Washington Bridge,

Starting point is 00:38:15 throwing fucking laps, I'm like, oh my God, we can't give that motherfucking lines no more. And then I cracked him one day, I just showed him my dick. I put it on the stool next to him Oh, yeah, and he was right on the stool and he's like I go Johnny He goes what and I go look at this and he goes Wow He just watched the basketball game Wow He just I'm like fucking dying only Johnny could do this. I've been asking about him. What happened to him?

Starting point is 00:38:42 He's got to be dead by now. He was 50 60 when that shit in the 80s Dude, I read we had a guy we had this dude. Mr. Dennis and everybody just called him Danny, right? This guy in our neighborhood. He kind of like he was just like an adult, right? but he had this son him rocky was his son, right and so Rocky was like I don't know if something was wrong with him, but something was pretty much Wrong with him, right? Like he just wasn't, you couldn't really rely on him. Like if you told him something, it didn't matter

Starting point is 00:39:11 because he didn't really know like what was going on a lot of times, right? So you wouldn't share like a lot of information with him. But Rocky had a fucking cock on him, right? So one time we're all outside and Mr. Denny goes, Rocky, show him that cock, right? His own son, dude. And we're all like, what the fuck, goes, Rocky, show him that cock, right? His own son, dude. And we're all like, what the fuck, dude?

Starting point is 00:39:26 And Rocky fucking showed that cock, bro. And everybody was like, damn, Rocky's got that cock on him, bro. And then after that, it would always like, anytime that Mr. Denny was around, he would be like, Rocky, show him that cock, huh? Rocky would fucking get his cock out. Now Rocky wasn't all there.

Starting point is 00:39:44 No, he wasn't all there, bro. He was missing a couple of bricks, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, he was definitely, but he was like, you know, he was healthy enough. Like he could enjoy Christmas and shit, you know? It wasn't like he was like, you know, like you gotta keep him in the back or whatever. He was definitely like, you know, he was a cool guy.

Starting point is 00:39:59 Like you could play games with him and shit. Like it wasn't like he was like, he just wasn't real bright and his mouth was always wet You know, but the day would be like Rocky show him that dick Cuz most of those like mentally challenged like retards they got big dicks. Yeah, and they're horny too. They'll fuck you to death Oh, dude, you'll recalk your living room, dude I saw fucking I was up at a in Salem, Oregon one time Eugene and it was a

Starting point is 00:40:30 Whatever Special Olympian Convention at the hotel. We were doing comedy. Mm-hmm. Not good And I was working with a feature act who had huge tits with cleavage He's on stage and one of the kids was walking by and he saw her tits and he started making, he started making noises. Yeah, just doing the Biden towards him. You think I'm fucking kidding you? I was watching the whole thing go down and I'm watching this kid, why is he going crazy?

Starting point is 00:40:54 He was looking at her tits and there was two fucking big black guys like University of Oregon football players that work in security. There was a point they couldn't contain him. He was just going, they had a fucking tackle him he was pushing the brothers out of the way I was like this fuck it cuz that's strong too oh yeah oh definitely I'm strong too so you got to be careful they'll hold you down and fuck you to death put that big fucking special Olympian dick you're gonna have some

Starting point is 00:41:22 problems dog yeah you can't let him pet an animal for too long. That's for sure brother. That shit will escalate Dude what was I seeing what was that thing in the news? I just saw That they found Well now now I'm starting to think that more people will have Conditions right because they're having they just found like plastics. What was it? You see that thing? Microplastics have been found in human testicles. Yeah. Bring that up, dude.

Starting point is 00:41:54 I mean, Joey, this is the kind of stuff, brother. You're lucky you have a healthy two healthy daughters. You know, this is the kind of stuff, man, that's happening now. Twenty twenty four microplastics are starting to look a lot like cigarettes did in the early 1960s, a poorly understood health hazard in dire need of better study and regulation. The latest bad news on microplastics in human health emerged last week when a study from researchers at the University of New Mexico examined 47 canine and 23 human testes, nuts or body nuts, taken from neutering operations and cadavers respectively.

Starting point is 00:42:30 All of those testicles had microplastics inside of them. So it's just like, what's going to, what like, you know, what is that causing, bro? If you got plat, you know, what kind of effects can happen? Does it say they've already been found in our bloodstream and another human organ such as the liver the heart and the lungs Micropro I just you start to wonder what happens when that gets into your brain Does that make more if a kid's got plastic in his head or whatever? Listen, bro

Starting point is 00:43:01 There's so many things going on right now You know, there's so many things going on right now. There's so many fucking things. Look at this, the pandemic opened up with the fucking shots and the mental health. It just opened up a variety of fucking, of everything. Everybody's speeding up. I got a fucking hernia. I lost weight and all of a sudden I had this bump.

Starting point is 00:43:23 I got a fucking hernia. Who the fuck knows? Who the fuck knows what they're putting in food anymore? You know, you don't know what you're really eating. You know, fucking vegetables, fruit tastes like shit sometimes. It tastes good others. It doesn't even taste like fruit sometimes.

Starting point is 00:43:38 No, no guys, it's, we're, it's a different fucking world. And you know, try to make a doctor's appointment now Possible, it's it's you know try to get a heart it try to make a heart appointment Don't tell you like if you call today. They'll go yeah fucking July 8th. Yeah, because that fucking The fucking needle fucked everybody's heart up you know There's a ton of shit going on God knows they're not telling me they don't tell you shit man Has it always been like that or do you think it's it's happening more than ever?

Starting point is 00:44:12 Do you feel like it's always been like that in life? I think it's always been like that, but we have the internet now and 20,000 media outlets. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. We have so much information Listen this metal, this fucking heart, the disease. I think the biggest thing I'm looking at is, I've never seen mental health like this. I know people, I grew up with people. And I talk to them now, and they're not the same fucking person.

Starting point is 00:44:41 And I know I'm not the same person. I know the pandemic or whatever, the 30 years of comedy, you know, getting hit in the head. Who the fuck knows? But right now, man, you have, did you see like the last 10 years to rise and everybody's a politician now? Anywhere you go, people want to talk to you about politics. I never seen like men don't even want to talk about pussy no more. But what what do you think you know? It's too much information and that pandemic fucked us up because what were you doing? Listen to music or watching TV waiting for the next fucking handjob after the pandemic. I never watched World news ever again. Yeah, I'm an American. I want to watch that 630. I was raised on him

Starting point is 00:45:24 I don't watch anymore because they're just scaring white people. Yeah, that's all they're doing. They're giving you selective news I don't believe anything no more. I just live my life and I fucking tried it my best to Decipher what's getting thrown at you all day. Yeah, but the mental health I think right now would and this is what it's got to be It's the internet. it's the fucking, everybody's a celebrity now. We're living in a world where everybody's a fucking celebrity now.

Starting point is 00:45:51 You go to a fucking movie theater now, they got poster boards for you to take pictures of. Everybody's a fucking celebrity. I've never seen a world like this. I got at restaurants by my house on Thursday nights, you can't pull up, can't pull up. Lamborghinis, Ferraris, to go to a fucking restaurant. Everybody's a fucking celebrity.

Starting point is 00:46:08 The other half were fighting for our fucking lives. And then they keep putting this shit at you. Every day, you put the news on in the afternoon or whatever, the Trump hush deal, this, that. It's constant, it's always in your face. And if you're gonna, you get sucked in by it Yeah, I'm telling you I've seen the people with we're getting thrown so much information at us anymore. It's so much Fucking it somewhere along the line. You got a crack. Yeah

Starting point is 00:46:37 Yeah, it's too much man. I just missed like a simpler time to man. God remember how much fun it was This is simple. Nobody had a phone you went out Nobody get a hold of you. It's to go brahmer. We go to Howard Johnson's brah Remember Howard Johnson fuck. Yeah, bring up a fucking Howard. They had a fuck that short water taffy break show him that cock Rock show him that cock Johnson's by me on route three. I hope there is dude Howard Johnson's by me on Route 3. I hope there is, dude. Howard Johnson's, my mom, when I was like five,

Starting point is 00:47:11 we would go, she would drop us off there to meet my grandparents or whatever. And we didn't know our, like, and they would have, oh, they used to have, and we'd have like a nice meal there, it'd be nice, bro. They had the bathrooms that had the little you ever go with like you ever go to a bathroom But it has a little room before you get in the bathroom is like you open the door And then you're just in like a little bitty room, and then there's another door, and that's the bathroom

Starting point is 00:47:35 It's like the rooms like three feet by three feet. You know I'm just saying you open That shit who we never even seen that like a little how many Howard Johnson's possibly left. I Don't know dude showny's in bro. I remember for $11. You could stay at the place right for $15 you could stay and eat right so with that $4 up charge you got that buffet showny's had an in and We would go bro, and they had they also had this like premier buffet for like two more dollars you could go. They had like this kind of roped off area of the buffet and down there they had fucking salmon or whatever, you know, damn, you know, special pickles, salmon, honeydew melon. Like I'd never, shit, you'd never seen fucking gay watermelon, you know what I'm saying? They had all the special shit down there, like black pudding or whatever.

Starting point is 00:48:26 They had all the shit down there. The Reeboks were on sale. They had like this special area of the buffet, but it was like roped off unless you got the premiere edition or whatever. But dude, we would go there, bro. It was so nice, dude. When you were a kid, all that shit's nice

Starting point is 00:48:44 until you get old and you're like, why am I eating this shit? I'm gonna fucking die Look at the people around me. Look what they look like and here I am with them About to die and that's anywhere any of those chains that fucking country croc What's that one? Crack a bear crack a barrel you'll die You'll fucking die in one of those places. There's like 10 of those fucking joints

Starting point is 00:49:09 that you're eating in, you're like, you know what, what's the place that they have the Chocolate Fountain? Oh. They have one in Burbank. Memphis? No, I don't remember. No, no, no, no. No, there's an all you can eat buffet in Burbank.

Starting point is 00:49:23 Oh, damn. It's a chain, it's a chain, and they advertise. Oh, you're talking about Shakey's Pizza? No, not that either. We used to do comedy in Shakey's Pizza in Seattle. Did you? One night, they had like a Wednesday night. My buddy got leprosy at one of those places.

Starting point is 00:49:36 He fucked me, you got leprosy. Oh, this guy would get everything, bro. He's a real susceptible fella. Golden Corral. Golden Corral, that's a fucking place right there. Oh, you'll die. Oh, there's a lot of- I see people eating fish at those places.

Starting point is 00:49:51 You just wanna go over to them and go, listen, here's a good mortician. So when they lay out your body, they can take that salmon out. Salmon, shrimp, and I don't think, there's no buffets anymore. No. Right, since the pandemic?

Starting point is 00:50:03 I mean, I think, well, people are still doing them, but it's definitely more of a risque type of thing. It's kind of like the only fans of the dinner community. I feel like, if you see a buffet, it almost feels like it's prohibition or something. Like you should, you know what I'm saying? Like it's a fucking speakeasy. You know?

Starting point is 00:50:23 When you go to those places and you look around and you're like, I went to, I went to fucking, where did I go? I went to Kentucky, Paducah. My brother-in-law lives in Paducah. I love my in-laws. It's my niece's birthday today, I love her. But I can't go to Paducah, because they take me to this restaurant

Starting point is 00:50:43 and they put cheddar cheese on everything. They put it on oatmeal, on cereal, I mean, whatever you order, they put a handful of that communist cheddar cheese, it's worse than the one the government sends you. And I'm eating the one night with my wife, because my wife brought it home to me the one night. She's like, we're going to go over here and eat, you could stay there and I'll just bring you a thing. And I ate it, it wasn't bad. It was like a steak, just a couple pieces of meat. It wasn't bad. The next night I went, I'm like, yeah, that play,

Starting point is 00:51:11 I'm excited. Let's go. And we went there and I'm looking at these people and everybody's ankles were swollen. They all had a diabetic foot. Everybody. Is that going to a Yankee game? I went to a Yankee game two years ago ago I was sitting next to a lady. Her foot was purple and what this bitch do She put like a blue tattoo on it to throw the color off of the diabetic foot I'm like, when does it end fucking don faddingly dude? And she's sitting there eating beer drinking beer Yeah, if you're eating beer, I seen a woman over there eating beer with a spoon, you know The bitch is going downhill. It was a fucking nightmare when I seen a woman over there eating beer with a spoon. You know them bitches are going downhill. Dog, it was a fucking nightmare.

Starting point is 00:51:46 When I see a diabetic foot at a restaurant, I gotta go. Or a fat ankle like that. When I looked around this restaurant, Paducah, everybody's ankles were swollen. I'm like, dog, I'm done. I'm on the plane tomorrow. I gotta go. Yeah, you get to some, it is true.

Starting point is 00:52:02 I think it's important. You gotta look around and see who's in the joint you're in. who's in this fucking joint. Look at these people. They're gonna die Cuz it's sometimes it is it's just cat. It's like people that are almost just like cattle that don't want to um Yeah, that can't even breathe that good or read you'll see people like on like on a Axis in you know of oxygen, you know, sneaking in a little hit of pie or something. While they're eating or smoking a cigarette. They don't give a fuck. They don't give a fuck, man.

Starting point is 00:52:32 And it's like, I get nervous in those places. Like, I'm going to die. Yeah. Yeah, there's just a lot of bad food out there. And I think it's gotten more to the place now. You have to take care of yourself because the government or whatever, whatever we thought the FDA That shit's already compromised. That's common. You show up with an envelope and they'll prove anything Don't give a fuck you could have damn menthol bread pudding brothers motherfuckers will approve, you know, it's like going on Instagram

Starting point is 00:52:58 They sell every get well cure. Yeah on Instagram like who would buy You know and they it's constant. Look at your Instagram. It's like bodybuilding Recuperation testosterone. Yeah, I'm gonna bite testosterone online from some fucking guy. I don't know it is crazy eyebrow loss They have eyebrow like what do you yeah, no, man. Yes, poor vision missing grandparents. You're like For $40 a month Like who gives a fuck? It's like missing grandparents. For $40 a month. Like what even am I paying for?

Starting point is 00:53:28 It's just some of this shit. Yeah, it's like everything is for sale. It doesn't matter. Everything. You sit there and you go all these products. I like when somebody goes on Rogan and they talk about a product and then you go on Instagram two weeks later

Starting point is 00:53:41 and they're talking on Rogan about the product and they're selling it just because Rogan was in it. And it's like, guys, when does it end? Like using the clips, you mean? Yeah, like using the clips. It's just so... It's dirty. Yeah, it's just changed a lot.

Starting point is 00:53:57 We've just gotten to where everything is an advertisement. Everything is for sale. I mean, if you look at it, even with like a lot of young men aren't having sex anymore, a lot of women are selling their bodies on OnlyFa. It's like there's nobody holding anything real, you know. It used to be you had to go at least tickle somebody

Starting point is 00:54:14 to get some pussy, you know? It was like... Go to a bar, talk to them. Yeah, at least lie to them. Work the angle, you know what I'm saying? There's always an angle. I don't know. I'm still recovering from my old boyfriend.

Starting point is 00:54:28 Let's do some coke and talk about it. Yeah, there's always fucking something. But it's just different now. We've forgotten with, listen man, we've forgotten a lot of things. Things are getting right away from us. You know, I was really opposed to texting for years. I remember that That's why I even called you yesterday the opposed to it now. I'll do it

Starting point is 00:54:51 But I didn't like it because it takes away our connection man. I want to hear your voice You could tell me whatever you want in the text. Do you know how you doing? I'm doing great I picked up an envelope do how you doing man? I don't, that's why I didn't like it. That's why I didn't like it, because what they're doing is creating a society that separates us even more. You know what I can't see Theo now, so we'll just Zoom once a week.

Starting point is 00:55:15 Let's Zoom, get on a fucking plane and come see me. We're doing everything we can to separate, and I always hated that. I understood the pandemic. I got it. But we need each other. It's like, I'm gonna tell you something interesting. Pandemic started, I was fucked up.

Starting point is 00:55:33 I'm gonna tell you something that you're not gonna believe this. I started doing better, going in. And once I was there a year, August 19th of 2021, I was a little better. I was still withdrawing from the Xanax. I was having some issues, but I did something that, before I did the knee operation,

Starting point is 00:55:53 because I went back and my knee went to shit as soon as I landed, like three weeks later, because I was going to cryo every day in California. But once I landed here in the pandemic, there was no more fucking crying. Oh, there's no crying. There was nothing. So my knee went to shit.

Starting point is 00:56:07 I got surgery. I went, and one day I was going for a ride and I saw a jujitsu school, a Gracie jujitsu school by my house. And I went in there and I was scared shit. It's December. COVID's been around, not even a year, you know, but people are still like not touching each other and shit.

Starting point is 00:56:25 And they're like, nah, we're doing great here. We only had to close one time. But when I left there, I had a doctor's appointment, like a wee land, and he told me how to have knee surgery. So I didn't go back to that school. I never went back to talk to him. Then one day I got a call, and it's the guy, the brown belt at the school, his name is Sean.

Starting point is 00:56:43 He's like, I just want to check in with you. I go, dog, after I saw you, I I got knee surgery so it'll be a while this guy kept calling me and not selling he wasn't selling he was just being a nice kid going if you want to come in and move a little bit it just be me and you man nobody will bother you right we'll work on stuff. I was like, I don't know. Fucking Jiu Jitsu. I went to Jiu Jitsu the same day that the Soprano movie premiered. It was September 21st of 2021. And I remember I walked in there.

Starting point is 00:57:15 I had to cancel the first two, like I canceled two classes. Yeah. Finally, I go, next Wednesday. Now it's Wednesday. And I remember going in there and we did some shit. And then he goes, just roll with me for a minute. And I remember leaving that and going, I feel a lot better.

Starting point is 00:57:30 Wow. Just human touch with somebody else. I'm not gay or nothing, but just that touch of him fucking submit me and grab at me. And I was like, I feel, and then I went to the premiere that night and I was fucking COVID conscious. I'm like, I feel and then I went to the premiere that night and I was fucking COVID conscious.

Starting point is 00:57:45 I'm like, I'm going to sit at the beacon with 2000 fucking people to see this movie. We're going to get cold. Yeah. It wasn't even that when I got out, the driver dropped me on the corner of the beacon. And I was in a corner with 500 people and they were all like touching me and shit. And I remember walking out of that circle going, if I don't get COVID now, I'll never get it. Went to the movie theater, didn't even go to the premiere party.

Starting point is 00:58:13 Just saw the movie with my family and some friends. I didn't even go to the party. But going to that Jiu Jitsu class and the classes after that, like I was just gonna take privates for like six months. I said fuck this I'm going into class with these guys. Yeah, I need these guys right? I need these fucking guys I need to talk to them and touch them and fucking be human around be human Yeah isolation is true isolation

Starting point is 00:58:39 It feels like it's what you want to do for yourself to make things easier and more comfortable and that is one of the biggest traps You know, I notice it for myself a lot of times. It's like I like Even the other day had some friends that went on the boat here on Lake Austin, right? First is like I'd rather just chill work on my comedy, you know, I'm in town I'm in Austin specifically to work on on get up on stage and stuff and so But then I was like, you know know I should go cuz I always choose the let me stay and work on something let me stay and be by myself I always choose that and then I find myself well then you're always by yourself you know I'm

Starting point is 00:59:14 saying you get stuck with by yourself thoughts by yourself bullshit you you know when you're with somebody you you get a they don't and they don't fucking run off you're like oh I'm alright I'm like, oh, I'm all right. I'm all right to be around. I'm not a weird, I'm not a complete weirdo, you know? And so that kind of stuff is huge, man. And being in those classes, it just like, and you make friends, you start to realize people got your back, you're not fucking alone.

Starting point is 00:59:37 That, there's nothing is as helpful, I don't think, as going to those jujitsu classes. I don't go into them as much as I wish I did, because I kept getting hurt, bro. I would just, and I couldn't think is going to those jujitsu classes. I don't go into them as much as I wish I did Cuz I kept getting hurt, bro. I would just and I couldn't do anything. I had to work I'm like, I'm fucking wheezing. I got my shit all wrapped up I got a fucking bunch of lemons fucking duct tape to my rib cage and reading shit online you know eating oleander or whatever on the fucking internet and apple seeds, but But yeah, just that camaraderie brah. I internet and apple seeds but but yeah just that camaraderie brah I remember one time we were we'd been in there rolling for the day and I just started bawling

Starting point is 01:00:09 crying bro like just shit from my that was stuck in my body or whatever it just fucking like released you know it's crazy people don't understand now it's what keeps me together I go every Monday and Thursday and it keeps me together I don't you Have to show up with a million dollar envelope for me not to go Yeah, I made that decision six months like I've been going steady, but I got hurt I hurt myself in December and after that hurt my ankle I go, you know what I'm doing this a different way I'm going in there. It's a plan Two days I lift I go to jujitsu. I I go to Jiu Jitsu, I ride the bike

Starting point is 01:00:45 and I'm done for the fucking week. It's what I do. Like, I don't give a fuck what you got going on. I'm really sorry, Theo. I gotta go to Jiu Jitsu because if you don't go on Monday, then you're behind the week. Then you're not gonna go on Tuesday. Tuesday, you're gonna get an audition.

Starting point is 01:00:59 Then Wednesday, your kid's sick. This is just, you wake up, she's sick, my wife's gotta do shit, I gotta cover. And that's why I always go Monday. So you always get at least that one. If you wanna take Thursday from me, something else will happen. But that's helped me a lot because

Starting point is 01:01:19 it gives you a different set of friends. And it gives you a set of friends that have, you know, they're all trying to get healthy. One guy's recovering from his shoulder, one guy's trying to lose weight. I'm just an old fuck, I go in there fucking to get, I go in there and burn 500 calories. Oh yeah. You know.

Starting point is 01:01:37 But these are the things I'm doing now to, I even enjoyed Jiu Jitsu when I was doing comedy full-time Because it got you away from the agents and the managers and everybody talking about the same shit all the time Yeah, and secret gay dudes too out there in Hollywood, bro Jesus Christ. I remember the first time I ever some guy You know I knew just got into town and what was going on and some guy tried to kiss me outside of a park or whatever And then I remember another time a dude an agent or whatever gave me a ride to someplace

Starting point is 01:02:10 Introduced me to like Cuba Gooding jr. Whatever and then tried to feel my leg whatever when he's give me a ride home, dude And I didn't know what the fuck was going on Dude, I was like if I wasn't a little brave. I would have been gay, bro I was like if I wasn't a little brave I would have been gay, bro You know that's uh, you know Rocky got that cock on Just like rocky out here Those guys want to hit on your rock show them the cock rock boom. There you go. You want that roll here? I got a cock to you suck this fucking Suck this stick of love over here.

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Starting point is 01:06:27 Yeah, bro. Dude, in Rocky, they grew up like downwind from like one of those pesticide factories or something, you know, the place they would have the spray rig, you know? Dude, remember when the spray rig would come through your neighborhood, dude? We would fucking get on our bikes, bro. And rock, because in Louisiana, they sprayed that bitch fucking twice a week The whole fucking everybody's stepmother look like a mosquito But we would get on our bikes and just ride behind that gas just pure gas coming out that bitch, dude

Starting point is 01:07:01 But Rocky and then mr. Denny they live down there. They live down wind from one of those fuckers That's what probably fucked made his dick big People could all move from those places now and go man's what probably made his dick big. God damn, fucking damn. People could all move from those places now and go, man, it made Rocky's dick big. Oh, Rocky ain't been fucking stung by a bee since 2011, bro, I'll tell you that, dude. Fucking crazy. I love, yeah, dude, I love,

Starting point is 01:07:19 I guess the best thing is remembering stuff from growing up. That's something that I really, that's my favorite thing is just remembering stuff from growing up. Yeah, thinking about the past. I love it, you know, that's where most of like the most entertaining stuff is for me. But growing up now feels, yeah, it feels like kind of weird. I think for a lot of times I didn't want to grow up

Starting point is 01:07:43 because I still wanted to just be a part, I feel like if I grow up too much then I'll lose all the fun. Does that ever make any sense to you? You know man, it's so weird how you look at your life and you go, what the fuck? I haven't had fun, like fun, fun, fun since I left New Jersey when I was 20.

Starting point is 01:08:03 Like that old fashioned fun that I liked New Jersey when I was 20. Like that old-fashioned fun that I liked, I enjoyed, you know, just getting fucked up and laughing with your friends, sleeping on the floor and going down the shore and all that shit. And then it's like I've been chasing it for the last 40 years. What happened those summers when I was growing up? You're just chasing it. You know, it's funny, I look at when I was growing up. You're just chasing it, you know. It's funny, I look at, like I was seeing something but a while ago about a club, they were talking about this club and VIP and all this.

Starting point is 01:08:33 And I looked at it and I'm like, all this is is people chasing Studio 54. Yeah. That's all this is. They've been chasing Studio 54 since the 80s. You know, us guys like you and I, our childhoods were fucking really special. They were comical. Comical. When we think of our childhood, we had no other option than to become a comic.

Starting point is 01:08:57 Because all the tools were put in front of us. The stories, the situations, other storytellers that taught us how to tell a story. It's fucking crazy Yeah, I think now like I was always gonna be a comic. I just didn't know that I just didn't know that Everything all goes into one circle everything that you've lived. I remember somebody told me one time That when you do a movie Okay, like, you know, I did a bunch of movies earlier and nobody talked to me Nobody said hey, I saw you in that movie He goes you got to give a movie culture

Starting point is 01:09:31 Culture that you have to give a movie years And all of a sudden I saw what he meant because one day When the podcast and everything else started lifting us People started connecting those movies started lifting us people started connecting those movies do you follow me at first you can't connect them but after you hit a little bit and people start following you and stuff your movies will connect you know like it's the weirdest thing I don't even know if I'm explaining I don't know I'm not understanding you yes he had a concept that said like people do a movie like

Starting point is 01:10:02 you do a movie with like who who's the hottest star today? I don't know. Fuck. Probably. Gigi Hadid or something. I don't even know these fucking people. Yeah, probably Bradley Cooper. Bradley Cooper, all right.

Starting point is 01:10:14 You do a movie with Bradley Cooper. And the movie comes out, Bradley Cooper wins an Academy Award for it. It's a great movie. You don't think that you're getting as much as you should have. You ever see somebody do a movie, and fucking they blow up.

Starting point is 01:10:29 Tiffany Haddish did a movie. She's been working hard for 30 years. Did one movie, blew the fuck up. Okay? I did 20 movies. Nobody ever fucking talked to me at all. They didn't talk to me till I fucking told the story about mugging a hooker and lighting her wig on fire.

Starting point is 01:10:46 That changed my career. That was it. Now people, you know, people start, you do a Disney show, nobody wants to see it. You know, you do a T, nothing. But my point is that, let's say you did a movie with Bradley Cooper and you call me a year from now and go, what the fuck?

Starting point is 01:11:03 All these motherfuckers blew up around me. I got one commercial or something out of it. Right. You know? But in three years, as you keep growing, your career keeps growing, more people start going, let me watch that movie, because Theo's in it now. I didn't know Theo was in it.

Starting point is 01:11:20 Oh shit, I gotta watch that again! Because now you're somebody to them. And that's how that movie gets big and connected to all the other movies. It's the weirdest fucking thing. Because nobody would see my shit. You know, like I'm telling you. I mean, I remember going to see,

Starting point is 01:11:34 I did the longest yard. That's the only movie where people would come out and shake my hand and at the end of the show, they would hide from me. Because they thought I was gonna go up there and do Adam Sandler knock knock jokes. I'm up there talking about snorting coke and fucking getting my dicks up,

Starting point is 01:11:47 and putting the coke rock, and people were like, they would just leave. And now you say one fucking joke about mugging a hooker and you're selling out fucking comedy clubs. You don't know what it's gonna be, but the culture of it is what I'm talking about, how you might not think nobody saw you But years from now, it's like you could do

Starting point is 01:12:09 To 18 movies and you the movie you hate the most Is the one that people come up and go? Yeah, we loved you that you like god damn it I did 17 other ones. Yeah, I did 17 other movies That's the one like you know what? I fucking hated and then you tell them the story I was coked up to eight in the morning and my call time was at nine and Yeah, I think yeah, yeah, I guess it's like Did you think that when podcasting started it was gonna be what it was? Did you have any real foresight on it? Did you get into it because you were like,

Starting point is 01:12:48 oh, I don't know if acting is gonna be enough for me? What was your motivation to get into it? I know it's kind of an old question, I just don't know the answer to it. 2009, I moved to the Valley. I moved to Studio City, where we lived, the office, up the corner from the office. At that time, man, I had done movies, I had done TV shows, I recurred on TV shows.

Starting point is 01:13:11 I wasn't at the store anymore, and I was just opening for Joe, and I would do spots, you know, I would do my own shit, and open for Joe. And then I was like, you know what, man, I got a call from the Funny Ball one time, and they're like, we're willing to give you like six weeks of work.

Starting point is 01:13:29 The number they threw at me was so fucking ridiculous. It was so ridiculous. And a year before this, I had had this conversation with somebody else. That guy's name was Billy Gardell. I saw him in Burbank and we were're just chatting and he told me that right before He got Molly and whatever that fucking show was my mark or whatever He was like I'm thinking of getting out of this shit

Starting point is 01:13:53 He goes they just offered me these deals and it's no money They want me to work Wednesday through Sunday in those days. That's hard 2000 no air fair. No, you know, and I'm like, you know when that happened to me I was like, you know what? It's 2009. I got nothing going on I'm gonna go to the Ford store and pee in a bottle and get a job selling cars. Yeah, I'll still audition I'm in there still audition and I'll still go out and work for Rogan, but I'm not doing this It's it's I've been doing it for 20 years or something right at that point. Wow, and it's not I'm not even happy doing anymore That's the biggest thing. Okay, it was like I'm good. I could do movies. I keep my insurance

Starting point is 01:14:37 I could always book a movie or a TV show except lately. I don't know what the fuck's going on but Don't even have any more TV shows really. No, but I got an audition for me to go fuck yourself and I didn't get it. Wow. When you got one line to curse at Steve Martin and you don't get it, you're not doing well, okay?

Starting point is 01:15:01 So you still audition a pretty good bit. You still audition a decent amount? If they have something, they'll call me and I'll put it on tape or lately They've been doing zoom ones, which I'm in fucking shock, but I'm not booking anything. It's it's look at me. It's over But you like it though. It's something you like though. No, I like booking. I don't like working I say my dick gets hard when I get that call My dick gets hard when I go in the room And there's other actors in there. They look at you like what are you doing here? And you're like really motherfucker I'm gonna show you what I'm doing here bitch. Yeah, and you and then they call you but then when they call you for wardrobe You're like come on guys

Starting point is 01:15:36 What the fuck we want you to come in for wardrobe and then waste and you come back for this and then park and then we're Gonna do a table read on Tuesday. You're like guys quitking everybody off what I want to do wasting people's time and money. No So that's my secret. I love booking That is a good moment somebody's to call you and says you got some got some listening day I made you an offer but why you like fuck? Yeah, fuck that punk in the audition. Yeah fuck That's a I'm gonna go to audition one time and the guy told us in the audition, go home, I already did the job. I already worked with this guy,

Starting point is 01:16:09 he's gonna give me the job anyway. And then I booked it, I saw him at the store like a week later, did you ever hear from him? I go, bitch, I booked it. He was pale, he was fucking pale. But what I was telling you was, the truth was, I'm gonna tell you the honest to God truth. I always had a problem with comedy I'm not the best comedian

Starting point is 01:16:31 But I'm a good storyteller and I always knew if I had a chance to tell my story It would change things if it didn't then I'll go away into the hills quietly You ever watch HBO boxing like 15 years. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, with Joe Frazier or whatever? Nah. Roy Jones Jr.? Yeah, like anything 20 years ago with boxing, you know, you look at a guy that's a boxer or a UFC fighter.

Starting point is 01:16:55 Yeah. All right, and you're like, look at this fucking guy. Tattoos, he's talking all this shit, you know. But then they do those things. You know, 20 for 20 do those things, you know 20 for 20 like those HBO would do like let's talk to Theo at his house, you know, so I know Theo He's got a hat. He's from Louisiana. He's got icy Mike this that but now I get to see you with your mother Yeah, I get to see you with your dad. I get to see you with your kids. I get to see that Fucking Theo has a farm. I didn't know that.

Starting point is 01:17:25 And he gets up in the morning after training, two hours and he goes to the farm and works eight hours. And then he picks his kid up from school, cooks for them. Then he goes back to fucking train. Then he goes back over there and puts his kids in showers. Then he fucking, you know, and you're like, I thought this guy was just a fucking sack of shit. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:17:43 That was my thing. Right. That I my thing. Right. That I knew if I could tell my story digitally, like detail by detail, I could get somewhere. And I was right. Just go up there. And for two months we were doing what people do. So what do you think about P. Diddy?

Starting point is 01:17:59 That's not a podcast. Right. You just fucked them the extension of the news. When you get into the nuts and bolts with people, and you just like, I told you, I had nothing going on in my career until I told the story that I mugged the hooker and lit her wig on fire. And all of a sudden I was selling 150 tickets a show,

Starting point is 01:18:15 and you're like, I've done fucking all this stuff, and nobody ever wanna buy a ticket. But I tell the most awkward stories, so what do guys like me and you do? Tell more disgusting stories of your life. And they ate them up. Nobody ever wanna buy a ticket. But I tell the most awkward stories. So what do guys like me and you do? Tell more disgusting stories of your life. Yeah. And they aid them up.

Starting point is 01:18:29 Get it out. Well, people can relate to stuff, dude. Especially with hookers, man. I remember doing drugs, and then I would negotiate with hookers online, right? Because I didn't have any money, so I'm sitting there, I'm not price gouging or whatever they call it,

Starting point is 01:18:42 but I'm like, you know, like, I'm like, how about this? Just stay for maybe 40 minutes or whatever, you know, just give me like, you know, $75 off, the amount or whatever. And I was always so high, this would happen to me every time, Joey, a woman of the night or whatever escort would come over,

Starting point is 01:19:00 I'd be so high, I'd be scared, I'd hand the money out of the door, open the door a little bit, fucking hand them the money and have them go home, right? 90% of the time, because I was so scared. Like, I don't know even know why I would do it, and I would do that two or three times in the night, right? So, one time, dude, I remember one time,

Starting point is 01:19:20 this Russian lady, she, I was, she had to go or something, right? And she asked me to watch her dog, right, at her fucking place. I went over there and she asked me to watch her dog. And I couldn't even understand what she was saying. I thought she wanted to do like butt stuff or something. But then she just was trying to get me to watch this fucking dog, dude. So the whole conversation was just ridiculous, bro. Cause I kept kinda touching her butt

Starting point is 01:19:50 and she kept kinda pointing at this puppy. I'm just like, what am I doing, dude? I would be petrified to call a hooker. Oh, it was so scary. Petrified. And nevermind on coke, like I wanted to, trust me, you're not the only how to got fuckin' secret fuckin' desires, whenever you do coke and you're by yourself,

Starting point is 01:20:12 you're dying to call a freak that's gonna take the ride with you. I can never do it. I can never fuckin' do it. And if I got somebody to come over, if I jerked off before they come over, then I wouldn't even open the door Yeah, I keep that little bit of coke for me. Fuck it. You ain't getting none of this You ain't getting the I'm out of coke. I crash a fucking aspirin and give it to them. Oh

Starting point is 01:20:37 I remember yeah, like I'd feel so bad. Once a hooker was coming over one time I remember putting on like an, I didn't want to even seem like I did coke or whatever. So I remember putting on like an apron or something to make it seem like I was like cooking around my house. Like just being like an organized guy. You know, like what the fuck? What a loser doing this.

Starting point is 01:21:00 She's probably like, it's 3.30, this guy's a fucking chef. I just wanted to look like I was doing something important or whatever and I didn't have like a, you know, that was the closest thing I had to like a uniform, I guess, or whatever was that. I would love to sit with like a fucking, I don't know, one of those psychotherapists that's analyzing people

Starting point is 01:21:21 for drugs or something and just sit there with them for three days and tell them the stupid shit that And it's not even stupid. It's fucking hilarious when you look at yeah, when you think about it years later you're like that was fuck like a Couple weeks where I came down here the 420 I came down here for the weekend Mm-hmm, and I was thinking about in 86 when the Mets won the series or something with the player, I forget what it was. I went to New York to pick up like a couple ounces of Coke. I was bringing them back to Colorado. And when I got there, the guy I went to see

Starting point is 01:21:57 said to me, your Coke is ready to go. You got it. You got a house. You could stay at my house. He goes, I gotta leave. I gotta go away for three days to a wedding in Connecticut or something. But he goes, I forgot you were coming. I hooked you up, you're good to go. We went to eat after the fucking airport and then he drove me to the house.

Starting point is 01:22:18 He goes, the coke's in there, go in. My sister's there, my mom, they left you the whole fucking house. I get in there, the fucking hot water heater blew up. And the power went out. So you know guys like me and you. I wasn't leaving till Sunday. I called some of my friends, but they were fucking busy.

Starting point is 01:22:37 And I stayed in that house from Friday to Sunday, snorting coke with a candle and with my pants rolled up because it was all water. So I'm walking around like Jethro Tull, that album from Jethro Tull, with a mirror, navigating myself to the water in this fucking basement with a candle, snorting coke. The sister's like 16.

Starting point is 01:23:01 She's down there snorting coke with me. I'm like, oh no, I'm gonna go to jail. It's a damn underground railroad, brother. He would call me every hour, like, how's it going over there? I'm like, I'm here with your sister and mom, snorting fucking coke in this fucking, you know. Nobody would believe that.

Starting point is 01:23:16 I stayed there till Sunday. And then I get to the airport, Kennedy Airport. It's fucking freezing out. Everybody's got jackets on. There was no tunnels then. You had to walk out and get on out. Everybody's got jackets on. There was no tunnels then. You had to walk out and get on the plane. Everybody had jackets on. I've been doing coke for three days.

Starting point is 01:23:31 When I walked out, they had a t-shirt on and steam was coming out of me. And people looking at me like, what the fuck is he on, right? Like you can't, that was like a whole afternoon. Then I got on the plane and I was so coked out, I had the aisle seat. Before the plane took off, they came to me and said,

Starting point is 01:23:50 you can't keep getting up and going to the bathroom. I was going every eight minutes to the bathroom to load up and then when the plane took off, I actually took the blanket, put it over my head, put the lunch tray down, crushed it up, and I would snort and then pop my head up. And I'm like, nobody knows I'm getting high, but the clinker of that whole fucking day.

Starting point is 01:24:12 Like Punxsutawney Phil, dude. Dog, it was not, and this was every week. Eight more weeks of eight more. You gotta remember, this was going on in our lives once a week, this craziness. And then I go to, because in those days, the planes had like a little bar And you could order from the bar and I remember that I'll never forget There's a black linted bar like black Wow on the airplane in the 80s and 90s shit

Starting point is 01:24:33 You had fucking planes with bars and jet blue No, People's Express was a plane that went out of business a company. I went out of business. They had a piano No, but the guy would play upstairs. There were double-decker planes. This shit today, I don't know what the fuck's going on. No bars, no nothing. This shit today is a bunch of traffic. Yeah, you go on a plane now,

Starting point is 01:24:53 you go on a plane to sit there like a commie and look straight ahead. In the 80s and 90s, you went on a plane, you partied. You could move around and talk to people. That's what Ric Flair always says. He always says about how great it was on planes. Oh my God, I could come up to Theo and go Theo, buy Theo a drink, buy that lady a roll three a drink.

Starting point is 01:25:11 And all of a sudden you're picking up chicks on a plane. God! Come on. Fuck! I'm lonely. So I go to the bar, I order whatever, a Southern Comfort, an orange juice, whatever the fuck I'm drinking.

Starting point is 01:25:22 And Theo, as I'm talking to him, it's just me and him at the bar. A fucking Coke Rock falls out of my nose and lands on the lint. And me and him are looking at it, like to see who's gonna speak first. And I go, I look up and I'm looking at the plane. I go, that fell off the plane there.

Starting point is 01:25:39 And I got back in my seat. I was never so embarrassed. Look, I was doing shit that nobody, I remember going on a date with a girl to a fucking net Philadelphia six again. Oh, high on coke? No, I had a half ounce in my pocket, I was holding the fillet in case

Starting point is 01:25:55 she didn't wanna go home with me. Yeah. You know, the first quarter I'm talking to her, we're not getting nowhere. And I go, fuck this, I'm going together, do you want a drink? She goes, yeah, I'll take a drink. I went to the bar to get a drink at the net game. Mm-hmm the bartender had a bow tie on this

Starting point is 01:26:09 Like a Theo story. He had a bow tie on very decent guy. Oh, yeah, like let me get a double We got another one pop and also I go you want to do a line the guys like yeah, this is 1984 rock you got that cock on it. I had a neck basketball game I got the bartender in the back doing lines. By the end of the night, he had his fucking bow tie off. He disconnected the computer. He was just pouring them in and giving them to people. I didn't go back to that seat till three minutes left.

Starting point is 01:26:37 Wow. That girl was like, what happened to you? I'm like, you're not going to believe it. I had a good time. I had a good fucking time I had a good fucking time. Sitting next to your fucking tight ass, fucking telling me. I mean, that's the shit that happened all the fucking time.

Starting point is 01:26:53 Yeah, anything could, it used to feel like anything could happen. Anything could happen. Anything could happen. Like, yeah, we're gonna go here, but listen, there was a time when there was a $39 flight to Miami. After midnight in Newark.

Starting point is 01:27:06 After midnight. After midnight, it was 39, it was like 59 all day, like just to Miami, straight shots and 84. But from midnight to, it was like $29. Oh my God, you get on that plane and there'd be 200 people fucking whacked. You know how you go, we're out of coke, what are we gonna do?

Starting point is 01:27:27 Call Timmy, call Mikey, call Louie, nobody's around. Fuck it, let's go to Miami. That's what people would do. They'd get on that plane with the last two lines and pray to God till they get to the airport. No, it was crazy. That's how crazy it used to be. After midnight midnight a fucking

Starting point is 01:27:47 On the hour every hour to Miami Why would that fucking why would you want to go to my what would make you want to go to Miami at two in the Morning cocaine brother. Yeah, and women or men if you like men, I don't like them But women but you have a thousand of those stories thousand and I have thousands of them. Thousands of, you know, fucking getting high and not getting anywhere. That's all it is. That's the truth of it is,

Starting point is 01:28:14 after you look at it over a long period of time, it's like getting high and not getting anywhere, son. You know, you're talking about that shit about giving the hookah money. Listen, man, how did I quit smoking cigarettes? I forced myself. I bought an eight ball and I didn't take no cigarettes home because I knew once I had that eight ball in me,

Starting point is 01:28:32 I'm not walking to 7-Eleven. So I stayed in that apartment all night, eight hours, with no fucking cigarettes, on an eight ball. The next day, I didn't need to smoke. I had already beat it in my mind. That's how I quit smoking cigarettes. I bought an eight ball and no cigarettes to go fuck Yeah, I just miss a time when anything could happen I've told this story before but I you know, I went one time I used to love telling people that people had died, right?

Starting point is 01:28:59 One of my favorite things to do tell people like a famous person had died, right? Like we go to lunch or whatever like oh You know someone so died Whatever you know and just we could talk about it during lunch and they leave lunch right and they find out some point They didn't die like what the fuck. I just talked to this guy for a Hour about over here, right? So a piss real quick. Oh, yeah, take a piss man Sorry, no, you're good, man

Starting point is 01:29:27 You good, man, you feel alright. Yeah, I just had a pee. I was holding it. I hate that burns me up Yeah, dude, I remember one time I had a Escort or whatever I hate to hook her I feel like but do the Hickl hookers like the term hooker? They don't care. They don't care as long as you pay them. Yeah. So yeah, and I always paid, but, yeah, this hooker got sick one time, and I remember I stayed over there for like a day and a half taking care of her.

Starting point is 01:29:54 Really? Yeah, in West, in Beverly Hills. You ever talk to her anymore? No, we texted for a while, and then I changed my number. But I think it was fine. We didn't even speak really the same language that much I think she spoke like Slovakia maybe or something and But yeah, but we were I mean definitely had been doing drugs, but that was that you know, um, I Saw my mother. Yeah, I went surprised my mom for Mother's Day. I was. It was pretty cool.

Starting point is 01:30:26 Went over to Tucson. She was doing good, man. I said, I got over there and I go to her house, right? And I'd never been there. I'd never been to the house that she lives in, but she's only been there for maybe about a year and a half. But so I go, I'm knocking on the door and I'm like, she's not answering.

Starting point is 01:30:43 I'm like, oh man, don't tell me like, they'll finally come to see her, you know? And that would be my mom, you know? Cause that's how she is. I finally come to visit and she goes and dies just to show me up. You know, like I can see her doing that shit. But I looked through the window, through the blinds

Starting point is 01:31:00 and through the back blind that's open and she's laying out in the back in the bikini, right? Cause my mom will like, the one time she would spend by herself, she would get in her bikini and get herself a can of beer and go lay on the side of the house. How old is your mom now, if you don't mind me asking? She's probably 74 maybe. Wow, you're lucky, man.

Starting point is 01:31:19 You don't see her a lot, do you? She's growing up. I see her probably twice a year. I'm trying to do a little bit more. This was the first time I'd ever went and like visited my mother in years. You know, like she never asked, she never like says like, I want you to come,

Starting point is 01:31:34 you know, she doesn't like to assert herself into things really, you know? She just, she likes to kind of keep her distance, I think in some ways. But uh anyway so I look through the thing and I see her in the back in that bikini in the chair and brought all the memories out when I was a kid sometimes like if she'd had enough she'd fucking go lay out in the side yard it with a fucking can of beer you know and if I look our whole apartment complex was always sinking in the mud, we was always fucking fighting

Starting point is 01:32:05 with the landlord, it's like, give us 45 bucks off, we're fucking, you know, the dinner table's two inches lower than it was last week, you know? So mom's chair would be over there just slowly, fuck it, we thought that bitch was gonna disappear, bro. Now who she live with? She lives by herself. And who's down there with her?

Starting point is 01:32:22 Nobody, she likes to be by herself. She likes to, she's always like gone. Like even when I was young, she always was going. That's what I, one thing I remember about her, she always had to go. That's the one thing I think I remember the most about my mom, she always had to go. She always had to go to work.

Starting point is 01:32:41 She always had to move away. Just how she's built, you know, something inside of her. It's hard for her to stay right there. Well, that's where you get it from. I know. Me too. Listen, we were talking about that before. We didn't really touch on it.

Starting point is 01:32:53 That's where I get it from. You know, I'm in the same boat as you. You sit there and you go, nobody calls me to do anything. And when they do call, you know, I'm living a life now offer bill hicks that's what i'm doing now bill hicks had the greatest joke that couldn't be any true marijuana does not make you lazy

Starting point is 01:33:15 it just makes you realize that what you're gonna do just ain't worth doing and that's why i'm at my point in my life now this day is like oh you know what for me to get into this party I got a drive an hour and a half by the time I get back and I got a his shit I'm you know, it's just a thousand variables. You give yourself excuses. Yeah, but then again Tom Hardy says that once you spent time alone For a while you like it and some people like it and there's nothing wrong with that deal Theo. Listen At this age and at any age,

Starting point is 01:33:47 from the time I was 20, my favorite thing, yeah, everybody likes to have sex, everybody likes to eat good food, but between me and you, give me a joint and a good book and put me in the corner, I'm good. I'll smoke a joint every two hours, take a bite of the sandwich. I love reading. That's the happiest I am when I'm fucking reading.

Starting point is 01:34:09 If I don't have a book now in the hotel, I'll go back and start looking up recuperation for men over 60, benefits of boxing, benefits of breathing. I'm a fucking idiot, but I like to read. That's my thing then. Yeah, I'm one of those fucking idiots.

Starting point is 01:34:26 You press benefits on my page and every benefit comes up. Benefits of drinking water, benefits of washing your ass, benefits of doing, you know, I'm the captain benefit. I wanna know everything that I can about something. That's the happiest I am. And you don't read a book in a team. You don't read a book with 20 people. Yeah. You know, that's the happiest I am and you don't you don't read a book in a team You don't read a book with 20 people. Yeah, you know, that's what I love it I fucking like a point we do stand up

Starting point is 01:34:52 We would not we wish we could have joined the fucking improv troupe and been the the war flowers and no We like being up there alone with a microphone with four bricks and working ourselves out of that It takes a certain person to want to be a comic bro Yeah, I think sometimes I do compare myself to just like people that aren't comics that much And then you have to realize how odd it is to do that job It's an odd thing to do. It's an odd job. If you saw an animal do it in the woods You'd be like that fucking animal is out of his fucking mind. We're crazy. We're crazy as standups. We're not normal.

Starting point is 01:35:29 We are not normal. There's something, you have to come to terms with all the things we are as comics. We can't question them. That's who we are. We, you could have been a doctor. We could have been a lawyer. We could have been a bum.

Starting point is 01:35:40 We could have been a hooker. We chose something that, you know, I don't know why I chose it. I just loved Richard Pryor and I and I knew once I had the felonies I wasn't gonna do anything else that I really liked. Yeah, this is not you know Comedy is a profession for fucking guys like us. I mean you have a little darkness in our past We can't figure out what it is, but it makes us tick Yeah, I looked here Richard Pryor too, man. I loved hearing him say the N-word.

Starting point is 01:36:09 Me too. My mom wouldn't let us say it. And we were like, well, fuck, man, we gotta hear it, you know? And so I remember we would hear him say it, dude. Just those books, like, by, uh... Who was the crazy white guy? Mark Twain? No. Mark Wahlberg?

Starting point is 01:36:25 The comic before fucking Richard Pryne, that was a white guy, Lenny Bruce. Lenny Bruce. Have you ever read any of his books? Yeah, one of his books I read. Next time you're having a hard time with yourself, go order one of his books. Ladies and gentlemen, legendary, How to Talk Dirty,

Starting point is 01:36:44 any of those books. He has one particular book. That one, the black one there. The Essential Lenny Bruce? That one. That book will tell you more about yourself than you know about yourself. He lived at the Chelsea Hotel.

Starting point is 01:37:03 He partied with strippers and jazz musicians and did heroin every night. There was no responsibility. He got up when he got up. He didn't have to be at work till 11 o'clock at night. Remember, they only did fucking burlesque shows. In fact, you ever go to Jackson, Tennessee? I don't think I have.

Starting point is 01:37:21 Jackson's like an hour outside of Nashville. Jackson's got a comedy club Mm-hmm that used to be a burlesque club And Lenny Bruce used to play there in the 50s and 60s Hmm, if you ever had a chance to go to this place go out there. I forget them and just look at a Google it It's like a comedy club and Jackson Yeah, that's it I think 731 comedy club Yeah, that's it, I think. 731 Comedy Club.

Starting point is 01:37:46 That could be it. That's it. Guy was great. You know, I had been at Zany's already one time. And I was going back to see my in-laws, so I wanted to do stand-up one night. Not a big room, there wasn't a lot of money. Fucking guy could cook, he had Italian food,

Starting point is 01:38:00 he was telling the stories about all the comics that would come through there in the 50s and 60s Yeah, and fucking Jackson, Tennessee No wonder fucking my boy Johnny Cash was going to Jackson Right wasn't he going to Jackson? We're going to Jackson. Go comb your hair. Yeah, see if I care We're not you know, that's why I went home. I went home. Listen, I could have came to Austin. I could have moved to Nashville. I That's why I went home. I went home, listen, I could have came to Austin, I could have moved to Nashville.

Starting point is 01:38:25 I had an opportunity in Telluride, Colorado. I wanted to come back to Jersey to find myself. Do you think that you've gathered what you wanted to find? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. Because now I'm at peace. I'm at peace with myself, I'm at peace with my friends, with my family, you know, I'm'm at peace. I'm at peace with myself. I'm at peace

Starting point is 01:38:50 With my friends with my family, you know, I'm just at peace. Do you have any amends to make whenever you got there? I know everything was pretty chill Listen, I thought about making amends, but the people that was only making amends so weren't worth making the amends You know, I was 40 fucking years ago knock it off and deal with it My amends was doing something with my life, right? That was my amends. If you really cared about me or care about anybody, you look at them and go, that dude fucked me over 30 years ago. Well, guess what? He did something with his life. You have two options. The guy fucked me over, but he died in a car accident, fucked him. He deserved what he got. He was a scumbag. Or, you know what, man, the guy robbed

Starting point is 01:39:22 me. He was having problems as a kid I'm happy he got his life together. Yeah, and that's what it was like I'm not gonna fucking apologize to nobody now. It was a long fucking time ago. Yeah I didn't know if anything wild had happened. No, no, I don't have anything like that either I don't think from my hometown. I just wanted to go home and recoup LA You know when you've been there for a long time, it's a number on your head for a while. Like just, you know, we thought there was a lot of rejection. Oh yeah, driving across town, parking, walking,

Starting point is 01:39:53 getting in, checking at the station, walking there, don't even know my lines, don't even give a fuck, hate the place, hate myself, fuck them, fuck me, walk in there, nervous as fuck, bomb the shit walk outside Scream the n-word in my head go back out through the parking thing return my badge get my ID back get in my car and fucking go It is you know people have no idea what we did we

Starting point is 01:40:22 Got that way figured it out I had no idea what we did. We got to LA, figured it out. That's true. Figured it out, which listen, that's alone. That alone. The parking meter's alone. Quarter gets you six minutes, dude. I had so many tickets when I first moved to LA.

Starting point is 01:40:39 They took a car, I mean my apartment got towed. Remember I lived in my car, Ralphie May and those guys, go, oh your apartment got towed remember I lived in my car rafi main those guys go your apartment got towed It's it was that scrambling I would do it 20 more times. Yeah That not having money lunch and having to rob the gas station for a pack of cigarettes on the way to Josh Wolf's house To get a turkey burger You know to fucking borrow eight bucks to go to Sunset Grill and get a burger with the guy with the bum leg. You know, nobody knows that,

Starting point is 01:41:08 what it's like to showcase for Jay Massad and him telling you like, why are you here? You know, and thank God, you know, Mitzi passed me right off the bat. Thank God. But then it was seven years of, I can't get an agent. And you can't do this and you can't do that. And most people would have quit the L. We did something that a lot of people just can't handle.

Starting point is 01:41:34 They move back and they go, you know what, it wasn't for me. And I, listen, I understand that. I fucking definitely understand that. But for me, I think it was time to move on to the next chapter I'm trying to find what that chapter is now, you know, you wrote a book Book that was cool, man. I feel bad that I haven't even read it, but I did just order it today I didn't even know that you had written it. I don't think actually, you know what? I think what I did your podcast last time over zoom. I think you remember telling me. Yeah that you read done it but um,

Starting point is 01:42:09 That's awesome tremendous. I was trying to write that book for fucking 20 years I know a lot of comics always have that book what milling around in them and then I kept writing and making notes and then I kept trying to hook up with a writer tremendous and then I hooked up with Jimmy Florentine's niece really yeah his young niece and she fucking helped me. Listen man, we sold some copies, we made it to number nine on the audio book in New York Times, which for a dirty comic and a criminal, it's not too fucking bad.

Starting point is 01:42:35 Rocky got that cock on him, baby. Rocky got that cock on him, motherfucker. Before you were saying something really funny. And I interrupted you, I had to go to the bathroom, but you were telling me that you used to call people and tell them celebrities died. Oh yeah, yeah, dude. And so we'd go like on Boy Scouts or whatever.

Starting point is 01:42:51 My buddy was in the Boy Scouts. And so I remember one time we went on a camping trip with them. And right when we started out, I told everybody Jay Leno had died, right? I've told this story before, but I love it. And I was like, you know, Jay Leno died. And so all the dads are like, oh gosh, that's so sorry to hear that.

Starting point is 01:43:09 And so then throughout the rest of the weekend, I'd be in my tent, right? And I'd hear the dads out there talking when I'm telling the other one, you know, Jay Leno passed away and I would be in my tent, bro. Fucking howling, bro. Laughing at a level where it was like coming out of my fucking spine And I don't know why stuff like that made me laugh so much I don't know if it was that I had control like a hidden control or that I was affecting things without them No, it just there was nothing as good as that

Starting point is 01:43:42 When you fuck with people like, you you know, control fucking with people, like me telling Eddie Bravo Rogan was in the CIA, all that shit, you know, it's always great. But the best thing I ever think I did, and I did it on accident, remember Chuck Liddell? Yeah. When Chuck Liddell was the fucking king of the UFC, he was the king of the UFC, okay?

Starting point is 01:44:05 So I get a call from Eddie Bravo, no. I find out that Fidel Castro died. I get a call from a friend of mine, he goes, you know Fidel died? I go, thank God that motherfucker died. And all of a sudden I call Eddie. I go, Eddie, where you at? And he goes, I'm sitting here with Dana White or something. I go, you know Fidel died

Starting point is 01:44:30 But the phone didn't say it right. It said Liddell So he goes let me call you back and he hung up the phone He told that he brought he told Dana White that Joey D just called him told him Chuck Liddell died I said Fidel not Liddell Now this is Dana White's fucking man at the time. Dana White's got no hair and he lost even, he lost the hair he was going to give his children. Fucking how could this be? Eddie Bravo calls Dayton and says Liddell died.

Starting point is 01:44:59 Not Liddell, Fidel you fuck. That's fucking great. I love that kind of shit. Not Liddell, Fidel you fuck. Kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk didn't speak enough Spanish to know a ton of the head of translator. Where was what did you go to college? LSU? Yeah, we're at LSU and University of Arizona. But it was a thing called Semester of Sea. It was like a floating college. But we stopped there on the cruise ship. I was working in a bookstore. So we pull up in a Cuba, dude, and all the people are there having,

Starting point is 01:45:42 you know, we're like throwing all our tennis shoes, everything we own that they could have, we throwing it off the boat, bro. And like you would be walking through town and people would like, have you come up to their windows and they would tell you like, just about like the control they were under and shit. And it was like top secret kind of. Well, we got to go to a baseball game.

Starting point is 01:45:59 Dude, some group was partying in this alley somewhere. I went over there, I'm dancing party and they cut up a birthday cake for us. We thought it was like a party for like a old man. Next thing I know I turn around, this old dude is going down on one of the chicks, bruh, it's some guys and some hookers. And now like, what the fuck?

Starting point is 01:46:19 They don't fuck around. I thought it was like somebody's grandpa's birthday, bruh. I'm over there singing a pledge of allegiance Are you trying to get back in the birth canal? Talk you was a dirty fuck Awesome, they got tons of hookers down there. Oh, it was apparently so God I got those girls come up here and they destroy it. They're all over Jersey, those Cuban hookers.

Starting point is 01:46:47 Really? Wow, I gotta get out more? There's a strip club in Jersey that my friend, and I grew up with this guy, he owns, and they keep closing them down because they're just nasty. Oh. You know, they're fucking 60 deep in there.

Starting point is 01:47:01 I went in there like three times and I'm like, this is buck wild. There was a biker chick that would slam her heels together and every time her heels would come, I gotta get out of here. Oh, every year. But they had a bunch of Cuban girls in there and I would talk to the,

Starting point is 01:47:15 I would go in there once a week just to talk to the one Cuban girl. And she would tell me about Cuba, what's going on, and she would tell me right off, why don't you just sit there? Why don't you go get your dick sucked? That, that's their mentality. They're like what? Suck your dick. What are you there talking watching a game for? I'm like, I'm married who cares go have a good time Your wife ain't gonna mind. I mean, they're fucking open-minded as shit. Yeah

Starting point is 01:47:38 That's what I might get a real span like a Spanish wife or something Be nice, huh? Yeah Like a Spanish wife or something be nice, huh? Yeah Balance you out a little bit. Yes, they'll smack you around take your money This is my wife How'd you know you were in love when you met your wife, dude? Did you know it? No Did it grow on you you think it's hard for a guys like us to be in love kind of yes because our first love is You think it's hard for guys like us to be in love kind of yes because our first love is commodity That's when you're in LA not when you're in your hometown once you get to LA and you're caught up

Starting point is 01:48:18 That's your love when you really really think about it at the end of the day. That's your love. I was with my wife maybe Three years before You know I was like but thank God she had patience. Thank God I had patience. And it wasn't till my wife and I got together, we're gonna be together 24 years next month. And it wasn't till I got the longest yard that I, it was 2004, we were struggling.

Starting point is 01:48:44 Every week was a struggle with her and I, we were struggling every week was a struggle or and I were living together. The relationship was good, but we always struggle we had no money we had 6 cats. Oh yeah, I got the longest yard and I want to shoot it and when I came back home. I had to shoot you know for 11 weeks. My call time was at 4.45 You know for 11 weeks my call time was at 4 45 every morning. Oh my god in orange county 445

Starting point is 01:49:17 So, I don't know how many times I got up at three in the morning and my fucking costume would be out She'd be cooking eggs at three in the morning for me And I go what did I do to deserve this? You know like and that's when I realized I really love her you know I wasn't gonna get married again once you get married and you lose I'm a Catholic you do it one time yeah move on I wasn't looking to get married I wasn't looking to waste anybody's time I'm not a big time waster if it it's not working, let's move the fuck on. But with her, it was different. And now it's tremendous. Like, I mean, it's...

Starting point is 01:49:50 Now, after 24, I look at her and I'm like, if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be here. Wow. Did moving to Jersey help you guys' relationship, you think? One thing about me and my wife, I gotta be honest with you, we got into a fight in December in Nashville. Yeah, good. Beside that, me and my wife, I gotta be honest with you, we got into a fight in December in Nashville.

Starting point is 01:50:05 Yeah, good. Beside that, me and my wife never really, we got into like, it was a long awaited battle, her family, me, the whole thing, I just went home. I was in Nashville for Christmas, I just went home Christmas day. And she got mad at me for like two weeks, we had a little problem at the house for two weeks.

Starting point is 01:50:23 But ever since then, it's been, and before then it was smooth, you know? And we're fucking a great team, and now we got this little girl, and you know, we bought this house, we paid it off, we did so many fucking things in three years, you know? She's an accountant, so I got pensions, I got a pension for the pension, another pension.

Starting point is 01:50:44 Hopefully she's laundering money from you too. Yeah, she's laundering too. I mean, she's, it's great for me. I never thought I would say something like this. Yeah, that's what I find interesting. I would never in my life tell you, for me, it was the best thing that happened at that time. Was there a fear to do it?

Starting point is 01:51:02 Like was there a fear to be like, okay, I this. Fuck it, Theo, look at our lives. We go on the road, we bump into a girl, you do things with them for three days, then you come back a year later and there they are. And then one time you come back and they obviously have a boyfriend. And they bring them to the show

Starting point is 01:51:20 and that's when the relationship ends. And I was in Boulder before I went to LA. And I had, honest to God, no lie, I probably had six girls on the rotation that would just come over to snort coke and have sex. Yeah, that's a beautiful, that's, I mean, yeah. It's a beautiful thing, but it's like, you get used to it. Right, and then it runs its course,

Starting point is 01:51:40 and then time changes. And you come back and you're still living five years ago, and now they got chilled, they got a fan, so everything changes. So, like I was never gonna get remarried. I got the movie, then it took me two more years of struggling on coke, I mean, a hard two years, heroin, and then, and that was what was killing me,

Starting point is 01:52:01 that I was hurting her. And one day I go, you know what, I gotta stop this shit. Because listen, I'm old school. I found my mother dead, and I'm here. I could find somebody dead, but I never wanted her to find me dead. She couldn't handle it. That would live with her for the rest of her life.

Starting point is 01:52:20 So that's what made me get clean off coke. I didn't want her, there were two reasons I got off coke. One, I didn't want her to find me, and number two, if something happened to me, I didn't want people telling Rogan he was wrong. That meant a lot to me, that he had my back. So now he's got my back 100% because, so I got clean, and then two years later,

Starting point is 01:52:44 I proposed to her on the phone. I just go, it's time, it's time. No more shit. I was going for a ride and I go, you know what? I gotta marry this girl. And then two years later she got pregnant. So it was all like. That's interesting man, saying like,

Starting point is 01:52:58 I don't wanna hurt you so I'm gonna stop hurting me. Yeah. I don't wanna hurt this person. She could never handle waking up and finding me on the floor. Yeah. She doesn't have it, it's not in her DNA. She's very sweet.

Starting point is 01:53:12 We were animals. We could find anybody dead in the next day if I can go eat a pizza. Yeah. But she's from a different cloth, so. Hey, Rocky got that cock on him, dude. What's that? Rocky got that medium pepperoni on him, dude. I'm telling you, Doug. Hey, Rocky got that cock on him, dude. What's that? Rocky got that medium pepperoni on him, dude.

Starting point is 01:53:26 I'm telling you. Look, that's true, dude. Sometimes I'll be sitting with somebody, I'll be like, if this person died, what would I do with them right now? I literally would think that kind of shit. It's fucking crazy, man. Yeah, and it's just, and I'm just sitting

Starting point is 01:53:38 in the back seat of an Uber, and you're like, what the fuck would I do with this guy, you know? Do you ever have tough moments, like, when you think back on your own mom, and like, what the fuck would I do with this guy? Do you ever have tough moments, like when you think back on your own mom and like in that whole situation, like do you ever like, on Mother's Day, do you do anything special? Do you just say like a special prayer?

Starting point is 01:53:56 It's like these idiots celebrate 420 one day a year. I do 420 every day. There's not a day I don't think about my mom. In fact, I didn't think about my mom fact I didn't bring flowers to a cemetery this time I went to a cemetery when I moved back to Jersey and looked like a fucking rat's nest Yeah, I went I complained I brought some tools up there. I did some cleaning and It's like scared me now and it's like now. I don't even want to be buried I want the people to have to come visit me and clean up my grave.

Starting point is 01:54:26 Burn the shit out of me. I don't give a fuck. Well done. The last bullet. Well done. I'm not fucking, don't come visit me. She lives in your heart, Dio. They live in your heart and in your mind

Starting point is 01:54:36 and funny fucking stories and you know. Yeah, do you remember like a funny story that you, like do you have like a real fun memory that you remember with your mom? Oh,, do you have like a real fun memory that you remember with your mom? Oh, I got 30,000 of those things where it just, I still remember a night where I was probably like in the eighth grade.

Starting point is 01:54:57 Maybe in the seventh grade, the second time, because I got left back in the second grade. Real G's do it twice, son. My mother used to fucking own a bar, and every night at three G's do it twice, son. My mother used to fuckin' own a bar. And every night at three, she'd come home, 315, and some night she'd walk me up with food, some night she'd just walk me up to talk to me to see how my day went.

Starting point is 01:55:15 This one particular night, she woke up and she's like, get dressed. There's a girl downstairs that wants to meet ya. That was my mother. She's like, go downstairs. And I went down with warmups or something. And there were like three of my uncles, and there was other women, and fucking my stepdad,

Starting point is 01:55:33 and this girl was dancing with me, and I'm like, hold on, I gotta go up and put on my suit. At four in the morning, I went upstairs and put on a suit, and they're all like, go, Joey, and I'm dancing, Coquito, they would call me Coquito, and I'm'm dancing with this girl I'm rubbing her tits and shit finally somebody gives me like a shot of whiskey you know you know I'm like in the seventh grade and all sudden they're like take her upstairs and I'm like and my mom was there I didn't make eye contact with my mom I just held her hand

Starting point is 01:56:00 and she took me upstairs to the attic not even to my bedroom we had an attic where she was gonna spend the night. And Theo, do you know till this day, I cannot tell you if I fucked her, ate her, kissed her, I think I just passed out from the fucking anxiety. And that's the type of mom I had. She brought a girl home for me. She took me to fight somebody once.

Starting point is 01:56:22 She would pick fights for me. She was my Dana White. When I went to Catholic school and I come home, she's like, you gotta go home and change. You gotta fight at 3.30 in front of my boss. Some guy cursed at me and I told him, come back here Friday at 3.30, you gotta fight my son. I had to go up there and fight two fucking kids.

Starting point is 01:56:38 It never ended, man, with this lady. But those years, this is what I'm trying to do with my daughter now, because I remembered how my mom got to me. And it was just real. I finally had to tell my daughter a couple months ago that I smoked pot, 11 years old. And she's looked at me like, Dad, come on.

Starting point is 01:56:58 I know. Smoke coming out of your mouth and you come out of the bathroom, what do you think, I'm stupid? She's like, everybody knows that. She's like, we have smoke coming out of our house and we don out of the bathroom. What do you think? I'm stupid You're like everybody knows that she's like we have smoke coming over our house and we don't have a chimney dead Okay, I fucking go in the garage with her sometimes. She's like dad. It smells in here She'll go and I go come he keeps breaking in my house and smoking dope and she's like dad So I'm really being honest with her little steps at a time. Like I gotta break it to her, she's got a sister.

Starting point is 01:57:26 Soon, eventually, someday I gotta tell her the story. You know? I don't wanna tell her now because I don't want her to think, well what if me and mommy break up, you'll never see us again. So I gotta be careful. I thought when I put the book out,

Starting point is 01:57:39 I would have to sit it down, but it's been two years. She hadn't read it. Not, she's not gonna read it until I tell her to read it. Yeah. So things like that, you know, but I miss my mom. I miss my childhood. If it wasn't for my childhood, I would have never became the person I would have became.

Starting point is 01:57:56 Yeah. Plain and simple, whether it's a criminal thing, everything I did in my childhood came to help me out later on, you know, like in some way or another So I have no fucking Regrets at all you know yeah Dang man Thanks, dude. Thanks for just sitting down. It's just so good to just hear your voice even I remember how much like when you would go on your lives did remember when

Starting point is 01:58:23 When mad flavor was going fucking live, dude, the world lit up, do you remember that, Nick? The world, people were like, Joe Coco's going live, dude, I would get texts from my friends back at home, they're like, Coco's going live, and I thought it was like a black stripper was gonna do something, you know, I didn't know what was that. All the periscopes and shit like that.

Starting point is 01:58:41 Yeah, when you would do periscopes, dude. I love them, I love them. And the cats, you'd be on your balcony. Yeah, you can't smoke on Instagram. They'll fucking shut you down. So I can't do that stuff no more. It's been fucking, I love smoking on Instagram and stuff like that, but you can't.

Starting point is 01:58:56 I haven't made a video on Instagram in three weeks. That's ridiculous though. You can link, yeah, there you go. Fucking seven in the morning. Oh, this is fucking crazy. Seven in the morning. Right. Who I would get up just to take a shower, to go out there, smoke, and talk to these fucking animals.

Starting point is 01:59:12 Oh, dude. There was nothing like it, bro. People, dude, I remember a deaf kid even fucking called me and talked to me and told me he was excited about that shit. Two people fucking came out of their own diseases and malfunctions. Do you understand we were getting up at seven in the morning to do that shit at eight o'clock? I was already three sheets to the fucking wind.

Starting point is 01:59:40 There was a wheat store that opened up at nine that gave out bagels in Studio City. He was a Jewish guy. I would be there at nine in the morning with him eating bagels, eating fucking banana bread. Well, you know, it had to give in eventually. Now, listen, I got some edibles, I didn't take them last night, and that's why I was uptight last night on stage, I got to drop them tonight, I don't give a fuck. I'm gonna drop like 800, 1000 milligrams tonight and go down there and torture Joe, get some fucking barbecue. Yeah, it'd be good I'll be down there man. Any chance you move in Austin. Is that just a myth? You know, Joe throws it around, you know

Starting point is 02:00:11 Well, I'll tell you what For my situation now it would it makes sense. I Miss you guys. I really do miss This yeah, I miss it too. I'm realizing that I don't want a's in there. I don't want a week down here I don't want to be down here for a week. That's too much three four days eight nine sets get back on the plane and go home If I buy I'll buy a condo or something in the building like I told you something that everything is there like my niece in Nashville Everything she's got everything for twenty two hundred dollars a month everything waits

Starting point is 02:00:43 Music they cook in the building. If I could find one of those down here, maybe get Troy Conrad in with me, maybe Lee, just somebody, you know? If I'm not in town, they're in town. Right. Watching the joint. You know, if they're not watching it,

Starting point is 02:00:58 somebody else could come in. I don't care. That's what I'm thinking, I can't buy a house down here. I don't wanna do that. Because I don't wanna resettle. I don't buy a house down there. I don't want to do that Because I don't want to resettle. I don't want to remove with my daughter She said hopefully now, you know for me to remove her again Fuck that. Yeah Yeah, I might maybe I might I do like going and doing the sets man. I did 24 sets last week here

Starting point is 02:01:21 Yeah, just at the mothership at At the different clubs, 22 sets. Where'd you go? I went to... Red Bands? Mothership. I went to Red Bands Sunset. I went to Creek in the Cave. I went to Black Rabbit. And I think that's it. But amongst those clubs, I did like...

Starting point is 02:01:39 I mean, I probably did 12 sets at Mothership. Wow. Yeah, I did three last night. I left. I went to get tacos and I'm like, dog, I'm tired. Yeah. I went to get tacos after the second main room show and I wanted to do the bottom of the barrel again to get some other jokes, but I was like, dog, I gotta go home.

Starting point is 02:01:58 Yeah, I went home, dude. Ended up jerking off. Didn't want to, but. I went home, smoked some pot, watched some TV, I slept good good got up too early this morning I ate that shit ate breakfast went for a nice walk smoked a joint went right back upstairs watch the rest of some Clint Eastwood movie and I fucking slept from 10 to 2 oh that's beautiful I got up I washed my pussy I hit you back yeah I took long shower. I shaved one of those Puerto Rican big razors

Starting point is 02:02:28 I got skin missing. I shaved my fucking ear. I cut my ear You know when you get out of shower you feel all these little things I could see myself as I was shaving in the shower Putting all those little cotton balls all over your face like that. Yeah all this fucking prison freckles. Oh Cotton balls all over your face like that. You had all this fucking prison freckles. Oh Well, it's good to see you brother, I'm happy you had me on here I'm very proud of you and what you've done. You're a fucking animal I love that you have a smile on your face all the time and I will take you up on June 1st we're gonna

Starting point is 02:03:03 So you're at beacon that Friday night, yeah, I'm a beacon that Friday night just one show Just one shows just one just one and then you're free. Yeah, you're staying in the city. I could stay anywhere Saturday will do the Saddle go to lunch Saturday and then go to the fights if you're that perfect even if you don't go to the fights it'd be Perfect. No, no, no Saturday will go cuz we'll go, cause you'll have more time. Yeah. So you come over. I'll cruise over early Saturday.

Starting point is 02:03:29 Take the ferry. Yeah. Take the ferry right to there. It drops you off right down the block. No way, really? Yeah, drops you off right down the block. That sounds good, that's JJ Braddock Park. Finish the story about JJ Braddock.

Starting point is 02:03:41 About what? Just you, but you met him. Yeah, like when he was old, though, guys, you know, he was fucking old. Was he still talking about fighting and stuff? Like, was he still like? He was just, I remember his son, he had a son that was a cop.

Starting point is 02:03:53 I think he's still in the town. I think they still own the house. The family still owns the house. But I never saw him box, or, you know, he never coached me in boxing. I wish he would have. But you got to see him though. Yeah, I got to see him.

Starting point is 02:04:07 And did people think he was like a hero? Yeah, at that time I didn't know his full history. I just knew he was a fucking boxer. And there was somebody in our neighborhood that told us about him. And then they said, if you ever go up there, he'll give you money to shovel snow. And I remember one time we went up there as kids

Starting point is 02:04:26 He was outside giving like danishes and ten bucks if you shovel and that was it. Yeah, I never really Saw him after that or spoke to him, but you hear the legend, you know and then It is what it is, but my buddy Well, we don't talk no more, but my buddy's in charge of that park. Wow. Okay, he's a committee, he's like a... Groundkeeper?

Starting point is 02:04:51 No, no, no, no, he's a big time dude. He's in charge of that park. He's a politician. And they keep it nice? And they keep it nice, and he's the one that put the, because he's from my age. Wow. So he put that up there, they had him.

Starting point is 02:05:04 And the whole family showed up when they put the statue up. It was pretty nice. I saw the pictures. It was pretty impressive, man. That's cool, man. Yeah, I think I saw Natalie Portman at my hotel yesterday. Really?

Starting point is 02:05:15 Yeah. I don't know if that did, I don't. Dog, every time I'm in Austin, I see somebody. One day I was in, not this time, Port 20, I fucking walked out of my elevator, I walked right into Magic Johnson No, and he goes he looked at me like we knew each other. I never met magic and he's like, hey man What are you doing here? I'm like the question is what are you doing here? I go I was in LA for 23 years

Starting point is 02:05:36 You never fucking showed up one time now. I'm in Austin you I gave him a big hug He's like, hey, I go you want to come do Rogan with me He's like, ah, that would have been crazy. And I told Joe and Joe's like, oh, you should have brought them. I bumped into him, started talking to him. Like he knew me for 10 years. I don't know. I don't know. Fucking Magic Johnson. Fucking met him in my life. I'm like, hey. Hey, we used to do Coke in Miami. They don't fucking know. Nobody knows. Coco Diaz, man. I love you, dude.

Starting point is 02:06:03 I love you with all my heart, brother. This is I love you, man. I love you, man. I love you, man. I love you, man. I love you, man. I love you, man. I love you, man. I love you, man. I love you, man. I love you, man.

Starting point is 02:06:12 I love you, man. I love you, man. I love you, man. I love you, man. I love you, man. I love you, man. I love you, man. I love you, man.

Starting point is 02:06:20 I love you, man. I love you, man. I love you, man. I love you, man. I love you, man. I love you, man. I love you, man. I love you, man. and Thank you, man, and Yeah, I just appreciate the fact that I get to know you it's been one of the gifts of this job You're my favorite guy that way me Lee how Lee how fucking happy was he to see? When I told that motherfucker you were down here. He lit up. Oh, yeah, he lit up

Starting point is 02:06:39 He was like like a fucking just like a warm McFish when I got a little edible with a money thing Nothing as I could smelled his breath He has no more flies on his neck He was like a fucking, just like a warm McFish when I got ahold of him. Did you do an edible with him or anything? Nothing? Nah, I just fucking smelled his breath for a couple minutes, dude. He has no more flies on his neck. Yeah, he looks great. Yeah, he looks great. Probably looks lean.

Starting point is 02:06:53 He was excited about things. Not more energetic than I heard him be in the past. More vocal confident. He needed all that. We all needed that break to realize what, you just need a break sometimes to realize what just fucking happened. Yeah. And now we're ready for the next. I love you, bro. Let's go get it. Love you too. Now I'm just floating on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves Must be cornerstone

Starting point is 02:07:27 Oh, but when I reach that ground I'll share this peace of mind I found I can feel it in my bones But it's gonna take a little...

This Past Weekend - E508 Joey Diaz

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