This Past Weekend - E515 Nick Swardson

Starting point is 00:00:00 Make your nights unforgettable with American Express. Unmissable show coming up? Good news. We've got access to pre-sale tickets so you don't miss it. Meeting with friends before the show? We can book your reservation. And when you get to the main event, skip to the good bit using the card member entrance. Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash ymx. Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamx.

Starting point is 00:00:27 Benefits vary by card, other conditions apply. These are exciting brand new tour dates during the LSU USC game. I will be playing that weekend in Las Vegas, Nevada. That's August 30th and 31st, back at Resorts World Las Vegas. Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, September 25th, at the Paycom Center.

Starting point is 00:00:54 North Little Rock, Arkansas, September 26th, at Simmons Bank Arena. Springfield, Missouri, September 27th, at the Great Southern Bank Arena. Kansas City, Missouri, September 28th at the Great Southern Bank Arena. Kansas City, Missouri, September 28th. Sioux Falls, South Dakota on October 10th. La Crosse, Wisconsin, October 11th. Green Bay, Wisconsin, October 12th.

Starting point is 00:01:16 And Moline, Illinois, October 13th. Get your tickets early starting Wednesday, July 10th at 10 a.m. local time with presale code RATKING. General on sale starts Thursday, July 11th at 10 a.m. local time. We also have tickets still for Bethel, New York, Wallingford, Connecticut, Portland, and Bangor, Maine, as well as other places. Get all your tickets at theovon.com slash T-O-U-R. And thank you to everyone who's come out

Starting point is 00:01:45 to support the show. It just keeps getting better. Thank you. We got new merch, guys. We have new colorways for the Be Good To Yourself t-shirts. We have blue jean, granite, bae, and banana. Check all that and more at Theovonstore.com, the only place we sell merch.

Starting point is 00:02:04 Today's guest is a comedian, an actor, an entertainer. You know him from Reno 911, from Grandma's Boy. He has a new special, Make Joke From Face, premiering on YouTube on July 18th, and he has a new tour going on. I'm grateful to spend time today with my friend, Mr. Nick Swartzen. I'm on the stage. Little Nicky, remember him?

Starting point is 00:02:56 Yeah, of course. Who thought that was an idea? Well the crazy thing was I remember- God bless Adam. Oh no, I think it was, it was- The Elzebub? It was interesting, but I remember that year, we had a lot of like mentally impaired

Starting point is 00:03:12 or mentals or whatever they call them, or nugget lovers. Tarnation, yeah. Yeah, people say all different things. Yeah, a lot of times it's just like, yeah, if you eat all nuggets all day, you know what I'm saying? And you are in a small classroom that it's you are. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:03:26 It's like a commercial for fentanyl. Yeah. Well, they had a couple of issues in our area where they like it sprayed for bugs too many times and so in the four coming decades, you had a lot of, um, little Nicky's running around, but at, at Halloween, after that film had come out, everybody was little Nicky. Yeah. I love little Nicky's running around. But at Halloween after that film had come out, everybody was Little Nicky. Yeah, I love Little Nicky, by the way. It's like such a great movie, but it's like,

Starting point is 00:03:52 yeah, there were a lot of like copycats where people, you couldn't tell if they were challenged or they were from the devil. And you grew up in Northland. Yeah. Yeah, you know. So like everybody like on Bourbon Street might be a little Nicky.

Starting point is 00:04:10 Oh yeah, a lot of little. A lot of little Dickies. Yeah, a lot of little Nickies. Fuck. Suck off. One of my favorite moments, I was gonna tell you this. I don't know if I ever did. Yeah, move this over here a little.

Starting point is 00:04:24 Let's know this way, move this over here a little. Let's do it this way. Like push it out. Oh, hold on. Okay. All right, here we go. Me! So, back in New Orleans, the first time I was there, I was like 19 years old.

Starting point is 00:04:39 You were? Yeah. What is this? Huh? What's this fucking avatar? Well, we have a- What kind of production is this? I don't know, it likes you though, I know it's that.

Starting point is 00:04:48 Okay, well, I'm into Black Dick now. Well, it's okay, it's also a- Black Dick me off! I wonder if there is, yeah like, Black Dick is it a seasonal thing? I don't know any- I haven't ever done it. We don't know yet. Yeah. But it is a valid question, it's like black dick season,

Starting point is 00:05:07 what would it be, Christmas? No. Halloween? Possibly. Maybe Easter. Ooh, Easter, springtime. Or Black History Month. I mean, I think that'll be apropos.

Starting point is 00:05:26 Yeah, maybe. We should suck them all off. I'm not doing it. I'll support anybody. I will pat somebody in the back while they do it. I'll do it. Is that appropriate? Yeah, like, how do you be supportive of your gay friends? I guess sometimes like,

Starting point is 00:05:44 you don't pat somebody on the back if they're BJ and somebody do you that's not that's being weird right that's not being supportive I think that's being supportive I think you're wrong on that okay I think you're like okay you know what you go Gary yeah yeah you get it Gary place him get it Gary carrot top guzzle guzzle guzzle, buddy You play a little kazoo Yeah, you play the fucking jizz Why are that's why I said Christmas I think we're there now so bells deck the balls with balls of cocky. Nick Swarton. Yeah, I'm back. Good to see you dude.

Starting point is 00:06:27 He's my fucking dude. Love you very much. Love you too man. Missed you. My New Orleans story really quick. When I was first there and this like as it like somebody that drinks, the drunkest I've ever been New Orleans and I call it Lebarf where I walked on Bourbon Street and I threw up into my hands. No reason why I did that. Hands like this? Yep, praise. And I vomited and then threw it in the air.

Starting point is 00:06:54 Ooh. And I've never done that before, since. But like, 19, 20 years old, I was like, yeah, this sounds like, and like, when LeBron like, throws powder, and like, you know, before the game. But I threw barf, and I was like, and I call it the Le Barf powder and like you know before the game Yeah, but I threw barf and I was like and I called the Lebarf I like I'm ended but

Starting point is 00:07:10 Now you know you've been down there who dat oh, I've seen it Well a lot of times if you yeah, and you can even there's a couple brothers down there You get them a couple dollars. He'll back flip right through the book the vomit away There's a lot of like there's like there's back flipping brothers will roll up on you. They're like, Hey, backflip vomit. Give me $3. I'll fucking backflip through a, yeah. What up? Motherfucker. Through a vomit or stream or through some asbestos or something. Yeah. They got those hard hitters down there. Yeah. Game on asbestos fucking shots. Yeah. Good God. It's best.. Shush, shush, shush, shush. Don't do it. They're just playing that at like Chinese construction sites.

Starting point is 00:07:48 Yeah, of course. Shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush. Yeah, and then everyone's dead. Everybody, everybody, suck me up! Suck me up! Suck me up! Suck me up! The thing I wanted to tell you,

Starting point is 00:08:04 I'm really bummed out about it. Just let me just vent please okay I Thought of a movie, and it was already made. Oh yeah, and it was a movie for us, and I thought it was like in the vein of Chardonnay dough or whatever the fuck Chardonnay dough yeah, that's not that why sing like it's a big glass of wine chasing them or whatever I mean it could be but I thought of a movie called Llamageddon, and it was you and me Armageddon with llamas, and it's already been made, and I was really bummed out,

Starting point is 00:08:33 because I tried to find the spelling today, and they were like, yeah, that movie's been made, and I'm like, me and Theo, Llamageddon, kill Spade off immediately. David Spade done early first spade first spade Fucking bonk. It's easy to you also need to just sit him on a chair. That is a centimeter uneven in His spine is a meter uneven Couple phone books he brings his own chair. Yeah, he does

Starting point is 00:09:00 People don't know that by the way David spade god bless him. Rest in peace. Yeah. Yeah, that part, yeah. Yeah, he passed. But he has a bad spine. BYOC, dude. That dude will bring his own fucking chair anywhere. And the problem, here's what it is. The chair doesn't match the other chairs. That's the problem. It doesn't match at all. He has like a metal folding chair. It's like a cafeteria chair from the war or something

Starting point is 00:09:28 The roaring 20s are like something like yeah Yeah, it looks horrifying but it suits his back there he is right there looking him with his own chair Oh my god, what a gypsy. Oh Go to my chair in that shot Just show me look to my chair. What a gypsy. Oh Go to my chair in that shot Just show me look at my chair That is Joe Derek Regular chair and he brings his fucking Homemade chair dude. It's something made it like church camp or something. He said yeah, I think it was like in like a

Starting point is 00:10:02 Petting zoo or something. What are you gonna do? The guy's a petting zoo. The guy's a BLM activist, you know? Yeah, we praise him. Oh, we praise him. Good to see you, dude. That was the drunkest you'd ever been there in New Orleans. That was the drunkest where I was like, I mean, I've never vomited into my hands and threw it in the air.

Starting point is 00:10:19 Yeah. I don't even know what I was accomplishing there. Like, what am I celebrating? Not dying? I think it's, yeah. Or New Orleans. See, like, you know, I was accomplishing there. Like what am I celebrating? Not dying? Or New Orleans? Like you know, Nolens? Yeah. New Orleans?

Starting point is 00:10:31 Or the Permanent? Yeah, Nolens, bro. Then they say, Nolens, baby. And then somebody like, oh, we from New Orleans. And then somebody like, we from New Orleans, bro. And then you'll just have somebody just be like, man, that, that, that. And they'll just give you an oyster and then shoot you in the head. And then they fucking fire hose your vomit and they're like all right

Starting point is 00:10:57 eat my swamp pussy lips. The crazy thing about New Orleans is like if you if something bad happens to you during a during like Mardi Gras or in a parade or if something bad happens to you during a, during like Mardi Gras or in a parade or if you have a stroke or have a child or something, you are- Or both. Whatever you're doing. A child that has a stroke. Whatever.

Starting point is 00:11:18 You're going through it yourself. An ambulance cannot get to you. So you are fucking- You are fucking dead. You are fucking dead. You are either dead or somebody's alive. It's like, it depends on if you're having the stroke or the child, but yeah, it's just like people, they'll start digging a grave. They're like, we can't even, the ambulance is like 40 blocks away.

Starting point is 00:11:38 Yeah. They're like, yeah, you're gone. Say goodbye to your aunt. Your aunt Betty. that's just like, oh, I've got two aborts. Hurricane. Bye bye bye. And they keep like, they're like, damn, the water doesn't work here. No shit. First of all, you were eight feet below sea level. The water was never supposed to work. It was never supposed to work. I remember one of my favorite times I was at like fucking

Starting point is 00:12:09 Jazz Fest or some nonsense, which is awesome. Yeah, Jazz Fest is awesome. But there was a police horse. I don't know if I ever told you this. There was a police horse and the horse had diarrhea on the wall of a hotel. It's right off Bourbon Street. Oh yeah. Diarrhea on the wall. So I thought, this was a long time ago, I thought it'd be appropriate to pull my pants down and pretend like I diarrhea'd.

Starting point is 00:12:35 So I pulled in front of the cop. Oh yeah, shit tricks. Yeah, shit tricks. You fucking know man. So I pulled down a shit trick and the cop, I remember my friend a Polaroid That's how back what far back it was took a shot of

Starting point is 00:12:50 Me diarying on the horse wall and the cop just looked at me and just went now Now and I'm like yeah, but it's funny right and he's like yeah, I get it just fucking move along man. It's just like yeah patient zero No, I'm not I'm not entertaining this I'm not he didn't arrest me. Thank fucking God, but it was just like yeah, that's not your diarrhea Yeah, that's a horse. Yeah, yeah, you're you're copying his diary. Yeah, that's copywritten basically as well. I think it's just shotty written The craziest thing is that's New Orleans you'll be eating in a fine dining restaurant and then a horse just bowel blasts fucking one of the pains of window glass out because

Starting point is 00:13:41 Everybody right outside of the restaurant is just drinking hand grenades, drinking each other's blood. Yeah, they're having caviar, and then all of a sudden fucking splatty art comes out the fucking window. Josie's on it! Vacation for a week! Everyone's fucked. Oh, man. Praise him. You're a top.

Starting point is 00:14:03 Can you praise him, the baby God. And he's with us. What was I gonna fucking say to you? Good to see you, dude. Great to see you, I love you. I had a series of times in Orange Island, we'd get drunk and go, me and my friend would go, we would get too drunk and then we would just go start, we'd get under like one of the overpasses of the bridge there and we'd start vomiting together.

Starting point is 00:14:29 But in between vomits, we would like just dab each other up. In what city? New Orleans. In between vomiting, like we would, cause we would go through profuse bouts of vomiting. Cause like, you know, some of the alcohol, it's just like they made it at home. Some of the alcohol is like, um. Right, New Orleans is. It's like hair filtered, like hair filtered. Pubic hair. I know, I think.

Starting point is 00:14:50 That's the thing. It's pubics. It's pubics cubes. Yeah. Yeah, New Orleans is like, it's one of the cities where I'm like horrified, where I'm like, oh God, like what, like Vegas I can deal with, it's fine. But there's certain cities where where I'm like oh god. How is this gonna fucking play out? Yeah, you know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:15:10 Where they just pull you into their fucking magic Fucking voodoo well. It's a lot of big titties a lot of gout a lot of undiagnosed sunburn a lot of mosquito bites, malaria, good food. Everything. Ebola. Now that's one thing. Yeah, some. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:15:31 Quarter cup. A tad. Yeah. Maybe a shot. Quarter cup. But it's one of those cities where there's so much going on. But there's music going on, you know? Yeah, that's the thing.

Starting point is 00:15:40 It's like the bar in Star Wars where it's like, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop. And you're like, oh, yeah, I can drink a vase of alcohol. It's not even like casual drinking It's just like oh can I get a fire hose a fucking thing called hurricane? They had a hurricane Yeah, it's a fucking debilitating and they're like let's run it back. Yeah, keep the drink going It's a fucking sugary Ivy. It's just a diabetes Falcon crest. Good God. All the drinks there just named after things that will just kill you around that area.

Starting point is 00:16:15 100%. Can I get an AIDS bomb? Yeah. Can I get a black on black crime with a splash of, uh, Keontae? Can I get a stabbed in the shadows? Is that possible? Oh my God. Can I get a back flip through some

Starting point is 00:16:31 fucking throat mist, homie? Throat mist. Can I get a machete to the dick shot? Dude, some shot names, it's way too, it's like, yeah, machete to the dick, or you'll have like, vulva doberman, and you're like, that seems. Can I get a Clit taco sandwich?

Starting point is 00:16:59 What is that? No, it's got peanut butter and fuckin' bird flu. Whatever. Bird flu. Yeah, it's got peanut butter and fucking bird flu. Yeah, it's fucking horrifying. But like what's a city where you're like, just touring? I'm like- You obviously, I mean you spent a year at Key West. A year and a half at Key West. I can't believe I fucking survived that by the way. By the way, new tour Toilet head this fall Nick Swartz and dotnet really yep Oh nice, I have a whole new hour and then a new hour coming out on YouTube July 18th. Do you really yeah? Dude not my first rodeo dog bro. That's awesome man rodeo

Starting point is 00:17:43 I was just in Las Vegas. I almost went and saw the Grateful Dead at the Sphere. I might go back. To see. This weekend. Our show, my show, the show didn't get out early enough for us to get over there. We tried to get over there, we got stuck in traffic.

Starting point is 00:17:55 Weren't you there when I was there? What hotel are you at? At the, staying at the Wynn Hotel. Oh, okay. Where we went on course. But where do you do shows there? We did a show at Resorts World. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's a new one Yeah, great. Um, yeah, the I didn't stay at the hotel the place the venue. I thought was really cool

Starting point is 00:18:12 It was nice. The stage is like shiny and you get out there. It feels pretty fancy really. Yeah, that's great But it was good, dude. I do the Venetian now. Oh Yeah, so that's connected to the Sphere, which is awesome. And I went to, and I saw you too there. Nuh-uh. Yeah, it was amazing. Now, would you say it's like, I had somebody this week and they said, I don't know if I would want to see a show

Starting point is 00:18:37 somewhere else now, because it's so interesting there. And they labeled themselves a Spherehead. And I just never heard that. It was like, like I've heard somebody be like a fan of a band, but never like of a venue that much. I was like, wow. Yeah, I disagree with that. Really? It wasn't like that?

Starting point is 00:18:54 I thought it was an amazing show. It was awesome. But it's like, the stage is so small. So it's like, you know, obviously it's very visceral. I mean, look at this, bro. Oh My god, is that what it was like for you? I'm a wrecked Did I film that? Doubt it is that who's there Dan Cook? It's high quality. This doesn't get Dan Cook special, huh, bro. This wasn't unbelievable

Starting point is 00:19:22 Yeah, but I didn't I didn't have a no I don't live in a drone. I don't live in a drone. I don't fly around like a fuckin' alien. That's true. Yeah. This is drone footage we're looking at, guys. You can't see it at home, because you can see it at home, but some of you can't see it because you're on a radio.

Starting point is 00:19:36 You're listening on a radio. I mean, it was epic. You know who I wanna see there? Wham. Whites against Mexicans want to see there? Wham. Whites against Mexicans? Yep. No, Wham. George Michael, rest in peace. Oh, really? Are they doing a reenactment or whatever? I just, I pray for it.

Starting point is 00:19:55 I think that's a weird prayer to have, but I want that to happen. For there to be a Wham? Wham in the chair. We had a group called Wham in our town, it was Whites against Mexicans, it was two dudes. That's the most New Orleans thing I've ever heard Well, they just didn't have any man. I think they kind of actually wanted Mexicans They were just afraid to invite them or whatever right and so a lot of times people like pretend like they don't want it even though They want it

Starting point is 00:20:15 You know like we're whites against Mexicans. Hey, yeah, I mean okay Like reverse psychology, you know talking about right I get it. But it's like they could invite them, and then maybe just have a margarita. Yeah. And enjoy your life. Well, yeah, I mean, the group was affiliated for probably 11 months. I don't think they had a charter. They didn't have a sponsor.

Starting point is 00:20:37 Yeah, they didn't have a sponsor, they didn't have a charter. They didn't have White Claw or something. A long term, yeah. They didn't have a bread and shop. Yeah, they didn't have, Food Truck is sponsoring. They didn't have a brand shop. Yeah, they didn't have a food truck is sponsoring. They didn't have a Jojer. You know, I love going to concerts and other events. I went to a Las Vegas Aces game the other day,

Starting point is 00:20:57 and I really enjoyed that. And it was thankful to Game Time. That's where I got my tickets at the last minute. It makes getting tickets for concerts and events faster and easier, even if you don't buy tickets right away. Prices on the Game Time app actually go down the closer it gets to show start time.

Starting point is 00:21:17 With killer last minute deals all in prices, views from your seat, and the lowest price guarantee, Game Time takes the guesswork out of buying concert tickets. You wanna go see Dead and Co at the Sphere? Or you wanna go to a Las Vegas Aces WNBA game? Game Time can help. That's right, Game Time also offers the lowest price guarantee or Game Time will credit you

Starting point is 00:21:43 110% of the difference. Take the guesswork out of buying concert tickets with Game Time. Download the Game Time app, create an account and use code WEEKEND for $20 off your first purchase. Terms apply. Again, create an account and redeem code WEEKEND for $20 off. Download Game Time today. Last minute tickets, lowest price guaranteed.

Starting point is 00:22:14 You know, podcasting has come with things I didn't expect, like having a merch store online. You know, originally we had my buddy Kevin was just making the t-shirts out of his basement with his brother, who I think was drinking a lot. But that changed over time. As things built and grew bigger, we needed some e-commerce help. That's what they call it. We started getting worried if things would be done right or how they would be done and

Starting point is 00:22:43 if they would be done the same every time. That's why ShipStation helped. ShipStation helps those who own or run a business. If you run an e-commerce business, you already know shipping can consume valuable time and resources. ShipStation makes it easier. They're the multi-carrier shipping solution that integrates wherever you sell online and streamlines your workflow,

Starting point is 00:23:07 so your business can grow, even when you're on summer vacation. Work less and ship more with ShipStation, the innovative tool that helps you turn your shipping challenges into opportunities for growth. Go to shipstation.com and use code Theo to sign up for your free 60-day trial. That's ShipStation.com code Theo. If your business and e-commerce needs to evolve, ShipStation can help.

Starting point is 00:23:38 I haven't seen you since, well, I saw the video that you had about the drink where you got just, what happened with the video video it was in Colorado, right? Colorado. Because Ari Manus was working with you. Yeah, Peter Creek. Yeah, I just worked with Ari this weekend. Yeah, he's great. Yeah, he's great. He's really brilliant. Yeah, it was like the start of my whole spring tour and it was like club dates to get ready for toilet head again this fall. Nick Swartz and.net. Toilet head. Floss and we had a flush sound right there So yeah, I took an edible 9,000 feet Yeah, and it was like

Starting point is 00:24:13 The shows were great after that, but it was like yeah I was a full brain fart And I've rarely had that outside of New Orleans where I vomited and threw it into my hand But yeah, it was just like a full brain fart. And I was on stage, I was like, oh my god. And the edible hit me and I was like, fuck! And I'm like, on stage, you know what I mean? Like when you're live and you're like, oh, yeah, here we go.

Starting point is 00:24:39 And I was like, just high as fuck and balls. So you were high, so you weren't drunk? No, I had a couple cocktails, but the edible is what really hit me. Oh, was this, bro, that makes me so scared. I've had moments just where I can't kind of remember what I'm talking about, and even that gets scarier. I'll have like a bit that maybe didn't go as well,

Starting point is 00:25:00 and now I'm like, I start to feel like nervous, and then if I can't figure out my next step, I get super scared. So I can't even imagine if an edible hit. Yeah, but it was so blown out of proportion. It's like, it wasn't like a disaster. Well, people were yelling, play like 10 seconds. Have you watched it?

Starting point is 00:25:17 Yeah, go for it. Well, you did it. What are you saying right now? Yeah. I'll say this. let me ask you this. This is a weighted question. What? What?

Starting point is 00:25:35 Okay, I'll tell you a joke. Alright, here we go. And somebody yelled f*** too and that was... The crowd was so belligerent. All right, here we go. And somebody yelled f*** too, and that was... Yeah, it was like... The crowd was so belligerent. Anybody here have a chance? What the f***? Oh my god.

Starting point is 00:25:54 Dude, it was amazing. And my apologies to Beaver Creek. I'm not proud of, like, that. But I was like... I was so f***ing high. What do you have to say to the people of Beaver Creek, who first of all, they legalized marijuana there. Yeah, by the way, I'm not the first person to get high in Colorado. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:26:10 I'm not fucking Christopher Carter. So what do you have to say to those people? Because yeah, it's a tough, that's a double-edged sword, right? If you invite me over to Chocolate Town or whatever, right? Right. And I show up and I end up getting diabetes or whatever, like a black lung, whatever you get from eating too much chocolate. Like Willy Wonka invites you to the chocolate factory. Right.

Starting point is 00:26:31 And he's like, suck my chocolate dick. And then you have diabetes. Right, the people- And it's on camera. Yeah, it's on camera. But the people in the town have some responsibility, the people that built the factory and let you have as much chocolate as you want.

Starting point is 00:26:46 Yeah, they're making it. They're sitting there making it, and then they judge Judy Yu. Get the fuck out of here, you Wonka people. Fucking bonkers, fucking tarn nation. So what happened? My apologies to Beaver Creek, sorry. Yeah, no, well it's a beautiful area too.

Starting point is 00:27:04 And where were you at? You guys were at a theater there. Yeah, it was a theater. You're performing you go out there Did you know before you went out there that you were like I should not go out there right now? No, I was like I was totally fine. But like again like the edible hit me Right when I was in the middle of my set and it was a new set. So it's like again It's actually really great toilet head this fall So it's like again. It's actually really great toilet head this fall It's a solid endorsement, but I was like oh god And it's like if anybody's taking an edible especially if you're in altitude like 9,000 feet even if you're stone sober It's like aggressive. You know what I mean like it hits you stone sober, but I took an edible with a couple cocktails

Starting point is 00:27:43 I was like oh no, and I'm like god here we go and I remember the venue went to Ari and they were like we're gonna pull Nick and Ari was like at my back he's like don't do that Nick will figure it out you know what I mean like he'll just he'll figure it out it's not his first rodeo and they were like no and they pulled me because they cut the mic at one point so you just talk you can't they can't even yeah, I was like Where people yell like what were I? Don't know so you were kind of blacked out. I wasn't blacked out. I was just like I Didn't have my set list with me and like you know people, will comment like that were in the crowd. I'm like,

Starting point is 00:28:25 Yeah, I could have gotten through it, but I think people were booing because they pulled me. I think they were like, what the fuck? Why is Nick getting pulled? But I think it was half and half. Yeah, because some people start yelling, get this effgot or whatever off the stage. You can say fagorny waver. Yeah, get this this faganic You can say, Fagorni waiver. Yeah, get this, uh. This Fagani, Faganaki. Yeah, get this beautiful little Care Bear off the stage. Somebody yelled that, actually, which I thought was cute. Yeah, which is appropriate.

Starting point is 00:28:53 When you got backstage, what was it like, what did the management say to you or something? They were like, um, yeah, so, yeah. And I was like, yeah, what, all right. Okay, that happened. Oh yeah, I hate it when people don't even know what to say. Yeah, they were like, oh, hey. Suck, suck you?

Starting point is 00:29:17 Like it was just ambiguous. I was like, what the fuck? Did you wake up the next day and you were like, because what happened after that, if the edible hits, probably pretty hard, huh? No, it was the best because I went and did two sold out all my shows sold out after that. They were awesome Oh, yeah, I'm gonna test to that at that point You want to come and also see if you're gonna fuck up as well I bet yeah

Starting point is 00:29:35 So I did two shows in Aspen at the belly ups one of my favorite venues people threw edibles at me on stage I was on stage Physically, I was covered in edibles on the stage, and then I did like six shows in Denver. It was like all awesome. So, oh, so you went out right after that. Oh, that was the start of my spring tour. So that was the initial show of like,

Starting point is 00:29:59 that's how I kicked it off. And I was like, woke up, and all of a sudden it was like 100 text messages, and people were like, hey man, you're on CNN. It was like so dumb. I'm like, really? Like we're going to blow this out? Like TMZ called me, they're like, we want to comment. I'm like, for fucking what?

Starting point is 00:30:19 I got too high in Colorado. I apologize. I'll do my own apology. I apologize to Beaver Creek. I love them very much, very sweet. Are they sweet though? If they got you all doped up? I don't know.

Starting point is 00:30:29 I don't know. Jury's still out on that. But they were nice enough to show up and then, you know. Who gave you the edible? I don't want to snitch on anybody, but somebody did it. You, yeah, but you- You want the truth? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:30:45 Abraham Lincoln. No way. Yep. Yeah. Well, he got so high, he freed all the slaves. Dude, he freed my brain. He did. How about that? He fucking unleashed the cracking.

Starting point is 00:31:03 That's why we pray. Well, he should, yeah. And he unleashed the non crackers as well. I know that. That's for sure. He 100% did that. There's nobody like him. Dude, imagine what it must have been like for everyone like him, right? If everybody was racist at the time and he just rolls up and he's like, guys, crazy idea. I'm going to go to the opera. Just, I don't need security. No, I'm saying he's gonna release all the slaves, man.

Starting point is 00:31:31 Yeah. But he had to pitch that to his buddies first. Yeah, I see what you're saying. You don't just surprise everybody, like say, hey everybody, cover your eyes. Right. And then ta-da. So he was the original magician, is that what you're saying?

Starting point is 00:31:44 I mean, I'm just saying he pulled a lot of brothers out of a fucking pretty tough hat. Yeah, he did. But that was a big top hat. Yeah, it was. Those are fucking hard black necks. You know, he kept his notes in that hat a lot. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:31:56 A lot of that. And he was very tall as well. How tall was he? That's a valid question. How tall was his beard? I mean his wife. Six four bro. He was the tallest president. Tallest US president.

Starting point is 00:32:12 So he can dunk. Which brings it back to black people. Oh he definitely obviously wanted a hoop or he wouldn't have released all those guys. Yeah he like he fucking did pick up games. Dude there's no way you're not like oh fuck. I need some better competition Yeah, he's like gotta get these he's like let's go these fucking white people. We gotta get some brothers on the court Oh, yeah, I'm sure James Madison every probably fucking Totally jammed on that. Oh my god. How hard did he dunk on Thomas Jefferson? Oh took his way Did he dunked on him with the Constitution? Oh, he was like give me this piece of paper

Starting point is 00:32:51 Bye Fucking buh-bye buh-bye Wait side note so hold on sorry I just got off the road and I did like three and a half months straight. Did you really? Yeah, three and a half months straight. Did you go to rehab for that? I'm not or were you really doing comedy do I was doing like clubs working out my set you were so people are so bonkers So like when you come to a show Awesome. Yeah, love you. Oh, yeah, let's not be bonkers. So these are two road stories

Starting point is 00:33:24 Where this guy, Hotel Bar at the Marriott, awesome, this guy shows up and he goes, "'Hey man, are you Nick Swartz?' And I go, "'Yeah.'" And he goes, "'Can I have a drink with you?' And I'm like, "'Yeah, totally.'" Like I'm down, like,

Starting point is 00:33:36 if anybody wants a photo cocktail, I'm down. This guy saddles up and he, swear to God, I can't make this up. He goes, "'Let me just say something. And I go, yeah, what? And he goes, I'm gonna say the word n***er a lot, a lot. He just told you straight up? Yeah, and I go, what?

Starting point is 00:33:55 And he goes, I'm not racist, but I'm just, just so you know, I'm gonna say that a lot. And I go, well, fucking no. You can't hang out with me. Like, what did you think my response would be? Like, get the fuck out of here. Like, what would I be like? Ah, finally, somebody has the courage.

Starting point is 00:34:17 Like, no, get the fuck out of here, fucking weirdo. Yeah, oh, some of that stuff, yeah, some of, yeah, we had. What road stories, like, dude, I have so many. I'm like, oh my God. Really? Oh my God, like, that stuff. Yeah, some yeah, we had road stories. Yeah, like dude. I have so many I'm like, oh my god Really? Oh my god, like crazy people. Yeah, but just like they just like drunk chicks are the number one most bonkers outside of racist guy, but it's like There was one where I did a casino in Connecticut and these girls came up and they were like Hey, Sire shop and I go. Oh cool, and they go yeah Funny when I go. Thank you. I go do you want a picture and they're like now and I'm like, okay

Starting point is 00:34:56 Well pleasure to meet you. Thank you for coming to the show and they're like, yeah, and I turned around was playing video poker and they were like, mad for some reason. They were like, yeah, you know what? You're not that funny. Fuck you. And I was like, okay, that escalated. I'm like, yeah, you don't want a photo? And they're like, no, go fuck yourself.

Starting point is 00:35:18 And they walked away. I'm like, okay, Christ. So then, boyfriend comes up. This guy goes hey, man You dick to my girl. Oh, it's a word, and I was like, bro I'm like dude. I wasn't I would like offered a photo Everything like I was super nice and he's like, okay, and I'm like, do you want a shot like and he's like, okay So he saddles up so we do a shout watching sports center talking sports and the guy goes

Starting point is 00:35:46 Hey, man, you know what? You're actually really cool, and I'm like yeah, I'm like a fucking real guy like I'm just a dude. Yeah, and he's like Yeah, you know what my girlfriend's a fucking cunt Just a fucking bitch can't handle her liquor. And I was like, dude, I didn't say that, but, and he's like, yeah, fuck that, sorry about this. You're cool. Like walked away. Dude, we had, I remember one time in that crowd,

Starting point is 00:36:15 I said, all the ladies close your eyes, all right? And then I was like, guys, if you could take your wife on a vacation and eliminate her while you're traveling. Raise your hand, right? And none of the ladies were allowed to look. That's amazing. And it was probably maybe about 1800 people in the crowd. About 11 guys raised their hand. That's hilarious.

Starting point is 00:36:36 And one dude even did it like this a little bit, like, I think because he didn't trust his wife, wouldn't see. So he kind of just did that. But it was like, holy shit, dude. because he didn't trust his wife wouldn't see. So we kind of just did that. But it was like, holy shit dude, a lot of women could go missing. Women can go missing so easy. I think that's one of the reasons it takes them so long to get ready probably,

Starting point is 00:36:53 because it might be last looks, you know? Yeah, we don't know. Yeah, that could be like in your coffin. That's what you're doing. You got your eyeliner. Put it on. Yeah, just saddle up. Put it on.

Starting point is 00:37:09 Get your pageant face on. Judy, Janet. Maybe Janet, maybe Karine. Maybe Katonkas. What's a good, oh bro, one night I remember there was a gal I went over to her place. What an old timey term by the way. A gal?

Starting point is 00:37:27 A gal. Yeah. What are you from fucking, you valet your time machine? It was a, it was a. Fucking weirdo. I was in Philadelphia and there was a gal. Bro and Kobe Bryant had died and she made me sleep in this bed with her and a great Dane bro named Kobe

Starting point is 00:37:42 that wore a lower Marian jersey. What high school did he go to, that wore lower Marian jersey. What high school did he go to? Yeah, lower Marian PA. Yeah. Yeah, was that Chicago or no? Philadelphia, Philly. Oh, okay, yeah, yeah, Philly. That's where he went?

Starting point is 00:37:54 I didn't even realize that. I didn't know that's where that was, but I was in Philadelphia, it was after a show, stayed over at this girl's house. Me, this Great Dane and her all fucking shared a bed together and the Great Dane slept in the middle of us, dude so I've never done any like GAY STUFF but

Starting point is 00:38:18 That is it's definitely when you're holding a fucking great Dane. It's like a right. It's not racial but it's like It's intriguing It's intriguing a little bit, but it also feels like you're kind of like, uh, in a part of the zoo you shouldn't be in. Does that make any sense? I mean, kind of, but also it's like, Look at the great day in right here. I mean, look at this. You can't, oh my God, go back. What? Who is this people?

Starting point is 00:38:42 How big was the great day in? How can, first of all, all your furniture's broken. The second penis. Do you have a penis? Does he have a penis? Yeah, dude. If he rolled over his penis, just fall out of the bed and broke the back of a fucking full grown. Oh my God. It'll smash a futon. Oh, it'll break the back of a full grown cat that's laying on the down there, dude. It's a fucking dick was a calf. He had calf dick bro his penis had shoelaces on him like that thing is Bro his penis his penis had a little tag on it. It said us 10.5 UK 11 I was like oh my god. You can get his penis at Costco

Starting point is 00:39:19 Fucking woe'd he got that fucking ramp on him. Oh, you know what I'm saying? Yeah woady got that fucking ramp on him homie, you know what I'm saying? Oh my god. Um, so- He's got a parking lot dick. Are you still drinking these days? Because before you weren't, you weren't, you know, take a break from drinking. Are you able to manage it? Because you had had, you know, you had almost died, didn't you?

Starting point is 00:39:35 You went to the hospital or whatever. Yeah, almost died. Yeah. Yeah, no, I manage it. Yeah, it's fine. Is it, are there drinks you cannot have? I just like, I don't, like I cut out sugar. So I just like drink like if I do drink. It's like Tito's water like it's pretty basic

Starting point is 00:39:53 But like I quit smoking cigarettes you did I never really did drugs so like but like I drink casually Yeah, but like I don't go like bonkers like back in the, like Key West was a year and a half of like fucking game on. Like it was. And what were you doing? Because you were just hanging out at a hotel bar or something. Remember? Because remember, Dustin Poirier sent me a picture. Yeah, we talked about it. He saw you down there one time. Yeah, but I would drink. Because it was like during COVID, so I was just like over everything. Oh, yeah. I was just like, fuck it was like during COVID, so I was just like over everything. I was just like, fuck the world. Oh, you're just down there counting cube and swimming over having a couple of fucking mojitos.

Starting point is 00:40:30 Oh, dude, I was just sucking off fucking margaritas. And that's the guy's name, margarita. Yeah, game on, Wayne. No, and I was just like, I didn't really give a fuck. So I just drank from 8 a.m. to two in the morning, three in the morning, every the morning every day it was amazing But yeah now I like I got my shit together, and it's awesome. So you didn't go to rehab then I Did not know yeah, I mean I've been there before but that was like years and years ago. Yeah, I mean hours ago

Starting point is 00:40:59 Yeah, I mean we're in rehab. I'm gonna this is Yeah, we praise him well now they have virtual rehab that people are going to have you heard of this thing no It's like through VR. Whatever. Can you bring that up virtual reality rehab you put on like a But what is the oculus or something? Yeah, you put on something like that But you'll have somebody at the bar and they'll go sit in the corner for like 40 minutes with fucking rehab on erect And then they all I didn't I went that close to the guys saw on it I think you were but you fucking swamp possum and the guys like I've been at rehab I just got back and I'm like you just fucking sat over there with your oculus on for 30 minutes

Starting point is 00:41:37 Yeah, I mean that'd be amazing if I says he's like, yeah, it's outpatient. I was like, all right, dude, whatever. Fucking call. How out are you? Yeah. Fucking bonk. Way outpatient. The virtual reality system allows participants to immerse themselves in a variety of settings and situations to practice recovery techniques, such as fighting off temptations,

Starting point is 00:42:00 as well as to receive therapeutic support. Can you even imagine? I mean, I'm not laughing at it, God bless, but I mean. I'm laughing at it. I mean, we can laugh at it. Imagine. But also, sorry. No, what are some of these scenarios gonna be?

Starting point is 00:42:14 You put on the virtual reality, suddenly some guy comes in, right, with like a meth queen on his arm, right? And you're just supposed to be sitting there just reading a book or something, and you're like, pick out who might have the eight ball or whatever, like what is the fucking? But also like you could be in any scenario,

Starting point is 00:42:35 so it's like if you have an Oculus you could be anywhere. Yeah. You know what I mean? You could be at the beach, yeah. Yeah. And a little crab tries to bring you up. Yeah, you could be in Margaritaville or something. A SOMA or something, yeah. Yeah, they'll like sit there, somebody shows up with like a fucking fentanyl snowman. And you're like, oh.

Starting point is 00:42:51 Bells will be ringing. Whistle. Josie's on it. Yeah, you're like, you're fucking DOA, dog. Dude, that's the saddest when there's fentanyl in the snow, dude. I think I heard about like that some of those, somebody put fentanyl in one of those cloud seeding machines

Starting point is 00:43:12 or whatever. Oh my God. That's a scary thing now, man. It's like, you go. It's like not a joke. Like I'm not making fun of fentanyl. It's like fucking horrible. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:43:23 But like it can appear like in a cactus. Oh you have no idea. There's even... Sorry sound. Dude we had a I remember kids would like not kids but women kids female kids would do like vagipin or whatever I was kid they put LSD into their vagina. And you- What? And they would have chicks like just- On Bourbon Street? Yeah, and they were like, no, this was more like in people's room

Starting point is 00:43:51 in like a safety of a home or whatever. You'd be like, oh yeah, Teresa's Vagipin homie. And you'd be like, oh fuck bro, I hope she's all right, you know? What? That doesn't sound like a safety home in the safety of a home. You just put a bunch of drugs in your pussy hole?

Starting point is 00:44:09 In a fucking gutter? Bro. This is a safe place. Anyway, drugs in your genitals. Absorb it. And then, Choses on a... Me...

Starting point is 00:44:22 Ah... Brian Callan. Bro, but dude, that's fucking Lord's lock box, dude. That's the original, dude, you know, that little, that safe that's in the hotel room. Sometimes the vagina was a lot of times people just hide stuff in their wife's vagina. That's the original escape room. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:44:41 You're trying to find a way out, find your life. And that's an Amy Schumer joke. What else is going on? Dude, do you see all this stuff that's happening with Sketch? Did you see this? People were, you know the What's Up Brother? No, I don't know what that is. Sketch is a streamer.

Starting point is 00:44:55 He's known for his Madden streams, for just being like a one of a kind guy. Oh, I think I saw him. Yeah, he was on your show. Yeah, and it was excellent. I've spent time with him over the past few months. We talk every couple of weeks. Just like, I mean a gift,

Starting point is 00:45:15 sketches a gift to the world. And so I guess allegedly he did, he had some, he did some OnlyFans stuff a few years back and some of it may have been homoerotic, you know, or gay or men, you know, extra men, more than one man type of thing or what,

Starting point is 00:45:38 or just gay and you know what I'm talking about. And so this, all these pictures started coming up, things that people found in OnlyFans. And then I think everybody was just curious, is this really him? You have no idea now with AI or whatever, you have no idea what anything is. Right, it could be.

Starting point is 00:45:59 And people would say, what did he say? Was it like genital warfare? I don't know, but people were writing some of the strangest things. Nick, what was that one tweet that I put in there? Well, I mean genital warfare? I don't know, but people are writing some of the strangest things. Nick, what was that one tweet that I put in there? Well, I mean, like what I don't understand, like, is he like canceled or something? Well, it just this shows the uncanniness of whenever people rip somebody on the Internet.

Starting point is 00:46:18 Yeah, it's like what a broken record. It's like, good God. And I love sketch. I support him 100 percent, no matter what it is. Somebody tweeted this, how could you at the Sketch reel? I met you. I used to be a big fan of you. I was your biggest fan of all time.

Starting point is 00:46:33 And this is just kind of a chubby kid or young Filipino woman who has tagged Sketch in this and is kind of calling him out, I guess. And they put a heartbroken emoji, right? So first of all, what does it, Matt, why was he, why are you not a fan now? He didn't have to, he doesn't owe you that. Like he had to tell you that he'd had gay activity or he had only fans.

Starting point is 00:46:56 But then here's what happens to this tweet. Somebody shares this tweet, tags that tweet and adds to it, quotes. It said, go lose weight, you fat fucking fuck, right? To this child, okay? Period. Fucking fat shit, there were after that, period. Which doesn't even have a noun in it, I guess.

Starting point is 00:47:18 Or it might just be a noun, but it's missing. It needs a preposition, it needs something, right? It needs an adverb. Then, after that, they came to the, That's doesn't it needs a prep. It needs something right it means an adverb then So far you would think they come to the defense of sketch because they say go lose weight you fucking fat fuck Comma Mick fuck sorry I left that part out period fucking fat shit

Starting point is 00:47:41 Then they double spaced fucking fat shit Then they double spaced wrote fuck sketch the gay What yeah, it doesn't make any sense. The internet is so bonkers and saying I'm like so I don't read comments I'm just like so over it where people like just chime in such insanity where I'm like Okay, like you're not even why even come to the defense? Like what, what are you, what are you saying? Like what does anybody, it's like, it's so bonkers.

Starting point is 00:48:12 Yeah. And why is this kid like it just like, why would the kid be looking for clout just to say, Hey sketch, like I used to love you. Didn't tell like he didn't know you, you didn't know him. It's obviously a picture of just some random stranger stranger. Yeah, literally that it met him and then the other guy quotes Read it one more time Nick. I can't really Go loose weight you fucking fat fuck Mick fuck

Starting point is 00:48:37 fucking fat shit fuck sketch the gay Yeah What is the point? Imagine just spending your time just going like, I've got to chime this in. Like, so over it, like, back in the day when I started making movies and I did Grandma's Boy and like Benchwormers, and I would read critic reviews, which weren't like that scathing, but they were like hey fuck you Fucking suck. Yeah, what did I do? Let's try to make a funny movie Yeah, like why like when people chime in it's just like

Starting point is 00:49:16 Dude, like what the fuck can you go make a movie? Yeah fucking tarred nations Yeah, like wow this shit was such a waste of my time. This guy used to be funny It'll say stuff like that. Oh, yeah, but it'll say that on like a baby announcement. It's like heck, you know Hector's here He's four days old people like yeah, I remember when he used to be funny. It's like he's four days old Yeah, he's a child like people will comment. They just have no chill man. People don't care No, people want to chime in at all times. It's hilarious. Again, I'm just so over it.

Starting point is 00:49:50 Sometimes I'll read comments, and they're like, hey man, you're fucking old. Yeah. I'm like, yeah, I know. I'm 47. What do you want from me? What are you, C-3PO? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:50:02 Are you not aging? Yeah, are you Chewbacca? Yeah, what are you, the Mayans or whatever? Yeah, are you a C-3PO? Are you not aging? Are you a calendar? Yeah, are you Chewbacca? Yeah, what are you, the Mayans or whatever? Yeah, are you a fucking Egyptian princess? And also, first of all, Is mummied? Yeah, eee. Oh, I'm sorry, I'm not a mummy.

Starting point is 00:50:13 Eee. Fucking. And here's what's dumb about mummies that don't even make any sounds, dude. They kind of remind me of door dashers that don't have any food on them, you know, because they're just kind of coming towards you. Yeah, they're covered in toilet paper. And you ordered toilet paper, which is more ironic where you like can I get the toilet paper, please?

Starting point is 00:50:30 Can you peel it off your fucking? Egyptian brain And I do and I feel for sketch here. What what what was his comment? I sent him some messages this morning. Look at this open and honest. That was me him some messages this morning. You know, I'm a changed person What does that mean he's going worse than I thought it was um, I Don't know what does he apologize? Yeah, I Did not have sexual relations with that man, I'm just kidding I did not have sexual relations with that man. I'm just kidding, I did, possibly.

Starting point is 00:51:28 Walk away. Catch out of bag. It's okay. What else do I have to say? I don't know, thank you to all my people that have been sticking up for me. I understand if you're bad. Shit hit the fan. Okay. I was dealing with some addiction problem What does he apologize for having sex with a man? I don't know. Okay. I was dealing with some addiction problems

Starting point is 00:51:58 A dick? But, what's the plan after? The plan after was not very good. If I was alone and I was at my house, I probably wouldn't be talking to you right now. But, the people at Faze, Banks especially, and my friends that I've made over the past couple years came in and they saved me I Don't know what I was gonna do but Save him what I think he was just scared the internet really came after him You know don't look at the fucking internet, but I think in his case. It's hard It's a lot of his life is built on there And then also it's like if something like that came out

Starting point is 00:52:44 I mean it you can't just pretend it didn't have like or you know what I'm saying like it's so strong He's like blue a guy or what the fucking care. Yeah. Well, I don't care what he did Well, there was just whatever it was it was take your wig off doing gay I'll take your wig. It's not a wig some guy at the airport fucking wig some guy at the airport comes up to me the other day Because that's a wig isn't it? Yeah, it's 100% Do you think this is a wig dude't it? Yeah, it's 100% a wig. So you think this is a wig dude? You're fucking wig horny weaver.

Starting point is 00:53:10 I could imagine if you don't know something like that you think it's private and then it goes out public that would be very It would be alarming Yeah, be alarming if it was like 1800s. Oh, I agree. I think it's ridiculous. I think anybody coming out of being gay. Suck dick, pussy, fucking who cares? Yeah. Oh, I think it's ridiculous. You both, same time. Pussy and a dick.

Starting point is 00:53:32 Oh, but you're a real intersection at that point, dude. I mean, it's both ears. It's a bit of bumper traffic. But it's just interesting, just as he's making this statement, he's like, well, what else do I have to say? It's almost weird. It's like you're, you're pleading for peace from this. From just strangers. Right. I just kind of fascinating where we are in time that you watch somebody who has to make this plea. Um, in the, even, even as he's trying to figure out,

Starting point is 00:54:00 what is he even asking for? You know, like, apologizing for I agree the fuck I agree but I just think it's fascinating to see that that's where we're at in time where you're watching somebody apologize hyper or whatever it is right totally to a scream yeah because of the world that we live it's just it's very interesting I think but who cares that that he was gay first of all he was a Texans fan way tougher Than doing some gay stuff What the f oh more dudes took down David Carr than did sketch ever, huh? Yeah, he got sacked 73 times

Starting point is 00:54:40 Okay, I mean good god. He got sacked in his fucking fucking mouth dude. That's what sack means and yes catch I just want to say man Yeah, don't just hang in there if you're feeling any type of way or Yeah, just keep your head up brother. We love you and Everybody loves you dude, and it doesn't matter everybody loves you dude and it doesn't matter whatever has happened or has it or yeah whatever you know we love you because of who you are and yeah and nothing will change that bro so just hang in there and know that people have your back some people probably have your front too some of these people are perverts. But just know I love you, bro.

Starting point is 00:55:27 And I'm just one of the millions of people that do. So just hang in there, champ. Sketch, we love you, you're fine. Yeah. Don't stress about this nonsense. And yeah, if you feel like you, and now people do what they want, bro. Some people are gay, some people are straight,

Starting point is 00:55:42 some people don't even know. Some people don't even have a sexuality there's kids out there not kids but adult children or whatever who don't even know they're like I don't even know I like to go to the library or whatever I didn't know I had a wiener you'll have a somebody say that sometimes yeah they didn't even know if there is what a library is yeah so they're gonna go to it yeah you'll even have a guy yeah being like oh look at this long pussy I have with balls under it. You're like, look at these fucking fresh fucking labels. Look at how many labels do I have? I put these in my

Starting point is 00:56:12 armpits. I don't even know what's going on anymore. Yeah. Somebody like, Oh, look at this long vagina. I have. Look at this. Oh, Oh, I'm going to fucking bring mr. Bourbon Street, so throw some beads in my purse We love you sketch and Sorry, you're having to deal with that or if you're scaring or whatever. I just can't imagine would be very scary, you know What is scary about that haunted house is scary. I think I don't think he's gay It sounded like he had addiction issues and maybe he was doing it for money so it was something he was keeping secret and his fame really kind of happened overnight in the last six months and

Starting point is 00:56:52 Everybody just who loved him found that out a thing He doesn't have to be ashamed for but he's already felt shame for it So he was just scared and it sounded like he was in really bad shape yesterday, but the streamers from phase clan Really supported him and he went over there. I think it's all good. I think he's only gonna be bigger to be honest Yeah, I think um I think that's what I'm saying. I just feel so much that he's scared. That's what makes me But what are you scared of it's like well? You're scared of fucking die He's fine, right But I think for you a lot of people it feels like the internet is the only be all-in doll like you and I are at a Different age where it's not as much right or different aids, but at further for the younger generation

Starting point is 00:57:36 I think that is it right is that making sense now right that makes sense where it's like okay? That's that's the jury of my life right you know what I mean where it's like, okay, that's the jury of my life. Right. You know what I mean? Where it's like, it's not. Right. I mean... We still have a little bit more of like, there's a human jury and there's an online jury. But I think it gets... But who fucking cares?

Starting point is 00:57:54 I agree. But I... You know what I'm saying? But the power of it is intense. I mean, even the power of just your video where they had, if you guys were drinking or had done edibles and... Whatchamacallit? It was like, look how much news, you in what you McCall it It was like look how much news you know I'm saying it was like yes It doesn't matter with the media doesn't fucking care what matters you know right?

Starting point is 00:58:10 but I didn't like hold a grain of salt to like When it came out like on TMZ was like Nick Swartz and his Hammered on stage and whatever like edibles, and I'm like yeah alright the fuck like Who cares yeah everybody out there just listening Don't worry about the internet and comments. It's fucking Dumb and superfluous makes no sense. Yeah, like just move on enjoy your life be you and don't kill people Yeah, and when you but I think when you your times, if you're struggling with drugs, people will get into some wild stuff, you know?

Starting point is 00:58:48 If people are out there. Dude, everyone's done wild shit. What the fuck? Oh yeah, I agree. You look back at your past, you've done some fuckin' nose nachos. Dude, I've- Somebody's had some nose nachos in their past.

Starting point is 00:58:58 Some of those fuckin'. Yeah, fuckin', fuckin'. Wee-oo, wee-oo, wee-oo Some of that fuckin' snout mustard homie, you feel me? That fuckin' dick mayonnaise Oh, no, no, I'm good I wanted some coke Okay, chill

Starting point is 00:59:17 Don't be that guy You look No, I'm kidding I'm kidding, man You want this wiener coke homie? I wanna tell you about blue chew. That's right. Blue chew, baby.

Starting point is 00:59:30 You, you, if this wieners are rocking, don't come and I can blue chew, baby. They'll get that wiener. Blue chew is a unique online service that delivers the same active ingredients as Viagra, Cialis and Levitra, but at a fraction of the cost and in a chewable form. The process is simple. Sign up at BlueChew.com, consult with one of their licensed medical providers, and once you're approved, you'll receive your prescription within days. That's right.

Starting point is 01:00:06 Bluechew tablets are made in the USA. And prepared and shipped directly to your door. Get that wiener up baby. Bluechew wants to help you have better sex. I like Bluechews. You can have a little bite, a little nibble. You can take a whole one, do what you want to do. Do that thing daddy.

Starting point is 01:00:26 And we've got a special deal for our listeners. Try BlueChew free when you use our promo code, Theo at checkout. Just pay $5 shipping. That's a good deal. That's BlueChew.com, promo code THEO, to receive your first month free. Visit BlueChew.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank BlueChu for sponsoring the podcast.

Starting point is 01:00:52 This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. You know, if you struggle with your relationship with yourself or with a loved one, with your children, with a brother, with a family member. Sometimes what helps is to practice that relationship with a therapist, to practice conversations that you haven't been able to have yet, and better help can connect you with a therapist. If you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient,

Starting point is 01:01:25 flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get masked with a licensed therapist and switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. Stop comparing and start focusing with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Theo today to get 10% off your first month. That's better H-E-L-P help.com slash T-H-E-O.

Starting point is 01:01:52 Dude, you know what I saw the other day? Did I tell you I heard that Frederick Douglass was gay? Did I tell you that? Frederick Douglass, like the old black author? Yeah. There he is. Bro, hit that picture right there above, one. How did that come out?

Starting point is 01:02:08 Come on. Bro, you telling me, bro. And look, I respect. How did that come out that Frederick Douglass is gay? Bro, I respect fucking F. Doug to the end, bro. Yeah, he's a legend. But don't even tell me bro. He was like little Nas Xscape.

Starting point is 01:02:29 He looks like he was the other member of Color Me Bad. Yeah dude, huh? I wanna sex you up. Sex you up. And I'll tick tock it on. All night. Sweaty genitals, sweaty genitals. Bro FDR, and I just heard that. I'm not saying that.

Starting point is 01:02:46 That's something that I've heard a lot. Yeah, did you grow up with them? How'd you even know that? No, it was just, you would read it on places. You would read like little. Where did you read that? Just saw, what's it called? Spade.com.

Starting point is 01:02:56 No, when people write something on a bench or whatever, you know, Henry got fucked or whatever. You're like, well, gee, is he okay? Right, I don't like read benches and live by it. But benches used to be the internet though. You're like, well, gee, is he okay? What's going on? I don't like read benches and live by it. But benches used to be the internet though. You didn't have the internet, dude. You had whatever somebody wrote on them.

Starting point is 01:03:11 Bathroom walls and all that. Yeah, that was the internet. Don't you know that? The original Reddit. I guess, yeah, that's, yeah, that's about. Larry sucks cock or whatever. You're like, oh, good, good to know. Gary's got that gay flu.

Starting point is 01:03:23 Yeah. Gay! Yeah. Motherfucker. Hit's got that gay flu. Yeah. Yeah. Motherfucker hit me up for free tires or whatever. Like a one hundred number. But that was the Internet was the bathroom wall or benches, man. Yeah, that's true. You know what I was looking at recently, man? They had there's gay animals out there.

Starting point is 01:03:40 Like what? Name a couple here about this thing. I know some of them, okay? You tell me which- Wait, personally or the genre of the animal? Let's go genre, not specific animal. Cause you can't be like, oh, Paddington bear or whatever. But I want like a genre of an animal or a specie. Specie, that's the right, is that the right specie?

Starting point is 01:04:00 Spaces. Species, yeah. You tell me an animal, I'll tell you if it's gay or not. Panda. Not sure. Okay. Giraffe. Fuck yeah, dude.

Starting point is 01:04:14 Yeah. Giraffe, bro. Just dripping dicks. Well, dude. They got fucking waterfall penises. Oh, well. They just hang down. Well, that neck too. A neck is just a long penis with sounds in it.

Starting point is 01:04:24 It's like the Ron Jeremy of horses. Yeah, horses. And here's the trick about being a giraffe. Giraffe, your head and eyes are so far from your wiener that if a guy blows you or whatever, you can pretend it's not a guy if you want, right? Because you're so far. You can't see. But you're so far removed from it. Like if I'm up here and somebody's just, you know, whistling on my route or whatever, I can pretend it's whoever. But if I'm right here like a human, it's hard to not, it's hard to be in denial. Yeah, you can see fucking Steve and Mark.

Starting point is 01:04:53 Right, you can see somebody with a- Showing your fucking butt puss. Yeah, you can see somebody with a Terry McCloren jersey or something on just harping you down, you know? Yeah. Look at this. Oh, yay, dude. Oh, whoa, hold on this. Oh Dude, oh

Starting point is 01:05:09 Why thing is pop lock and whoa homie, bro She's Croons and stones and that is how you meet a man out there in the woods buddy Okay, what if a lion's sucking your dick? How fucking sweet would that be? Well giraffe giraffe is dead No teeth no teeth the lions just Maybe the lion doesn't have teeth it does. That's why we okay It does it wouldn't he would nibble that thing down. Just like a Like somebody just biting down a piece of thing a mistletoe

Starting point is 01:05:44 Okay, like like that. Some vegetarian. Yes or no? Elephant, gay or no? Elephants, no. Two just... Dude, what about if the trunk goes into your gin, Ooh. and then you can suck your own dick?

Starting point is 01:05:59 So does that make the elephant gay? We don't know. What about, guess another one. elephant gay? We don't know. What about, guess another one. Cheetah. No. They dress gay I think, but I don't think they are. But they do dress gay.

Starting point is 01:06:16 Or they dress either- They dress like 80s hairband gay. Yeah, like Italian women. Yeah, Jersey Housewives. Yeah. At a Poison concert. Yeah. God, that's good. Yeah, they Housewives. Yeah. At a Poison concert. Yeah, god that's good. Yeah, they dress pretty gay.

Starting point is 01:06:29 What about here, I'll tell you, I'll give you a clue. Nighttime, Halloween. Bats? Bats. Bats are way gay, dude. How are bats gay? First of all, they're hiding in the dark, you can't even see what's going on, right? So something just flies right into your wien or whatever it could be like

Starting point is 01:06:49 oh I'm a you know like that's the craziest thing the dark is just this it's the ultimate. Or it's also like I'm sleeping upside down but they're trying to suck their own dick. Yep. Yeah. So what about Batman? Oh it's dark I'm gonna fly into some other bats and just whatever happens that kind of shit I'm gonna fly into Robin. Yeah, he's a fucking gay bird. Yeah. Oh, I'm not gay I'm it's just really dark in here that thing. Yeah bats have that I got a right here in wild little brown bats Males often mount other males during late autumn and winter when many of the mounted individuals That's not real are torpid 35% of matings during this period are homosexual Wow. What does torpid mean Nick? Yeah, what is torpid? I've never even heard that word mentally or physically inactive or lethargic

Starting point is 01:07:37 So I guess Every man took a k-hole I guess for animals when many amounted individuals are torpid, huh? So yes, the bats can be gay Bisons to Bisons look up Bisons being gay, please That can't be right Bisons dude, aren't they basically buffaloes? The American bison is a bovine mammal which displays homosexual behavior. Look at him right there Full anal penetration between bulls has been noted to occur among American bison. Wow.

Starting point is 01:08:10 Put in gay bison. And let me know where that bar is. Oh, that's gay, sorry. Right there, zoom in on that picture. Look at the kid, he's kind of off at school or whatever that area is of the yard. Right. And this dude is trying to holler at that his dad

Starting point is 01:08:25 I Mean good lord, and that one's in blackface. I want to say I mean, I don't know if that's okay to say or not Well faces can be black. So anyway, just want to go down a little trail there. Yeah But yeah, that was a treasure trail. Yeah, I think the crazy part is just like Yeah, I don't know I just just feel for Sketch. I hope that he's okay. He'll be fine. He's alive. That's all you want is to be alive. Oh, dude, totally.

Starting point is 01:08:55 Good God. And even that's tough, bro. Sometimes if somebody was like, would you want to be alive? Sometimes he can be active. I mean, yeah, but it's like, when I wake up every day, I'm like, fuck, here we go. Yeah. Christ in heaven. But if somebody right now is like,

Starting point is 01:09:08 would you want to be alive or do you want to have a really nice lunch? Ew, what does the lunch consist of? Four course lunch, soup, salad. From which establishment? It's a new place. Would it be in New Orleans? It's a new place.

Starting point is 01:09:30 What about some gumbo? It's a new place. And some jumbolazy, and some maybe a hurricane, and then Drew Bray's, and then... Blue! He just comes out and hums the dessert into your mouth. Dude, they used to have that restaurant called Lambert's where they throw the roll across the-

Starting point is 01:09:46 Love Lambert's. You've been there? Yeah, of course. Wow. Yeah, it's not my first fucking rodeo, bro. They would throw the roll. You think they got a spell to earth? You fucking wig gypsy.

Starting point is 01:09:55 They'd throw the roll to you across town. I think Billy, I think- Yeah, it'd be like a curve ball. There he is right there. That's the guy who'll throw the roll to you right there. Lambert's home to the throwed rolls and they'll hum a bread over at you. Yeah, amazing. Right there.

Starting point is 01:10:14 And that guy probably pays. Is that Kirk Cousins right there? That's Knoxy. That's Kirk. Oh yeah, that's an Amish dude. Oh yeah. Now's Amish dude. Oh yeah. Now this is way better than anything Sketch did. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I mean.

Starting point is 01:10:32 Underhand tossing a bread roll to somebody in a full restaurant. I would take that guy over Kirk Cousins. Yeah. For the Vikings. But yeah, I just can't even believe that that's the biggest issue. I think him being a Texans fan for the past,

Starting point is 01:10:44 however long they've been in existence. But I mean, they they're like they're exciting. I love Houston very much now Yeah, yeah, but I mean back in the day. Yeah, they were just and back in the day was two years ago It was just like JJ watt was just trying to play every position and try to keep him alive. Yeah good God That's why we pray what else man. What else is happening? What else is going on? I'm going on tour, Toilet Head, Nick Schwartz and.NET. Got my new special July 18th on YouTube. Game on. And are you, oh I did see you.

Starting point is 01:11:13 And I'm doing Happy Gilmore 2. You're doing Happy Gilmore 2, you're in. Yep. Wow. You're in. And you're gonna play. I'm gonna play Adam's Caddy. Yeah, super excited. Have you already read the script or no?

Starting point is 01:11:24 There's no script yet. But we start shooting in the fall. Yeah, super excited. Have you already read the script or no? There's no script yet. We'll be start shooting in the fall Congratulations, bro. I'm excited about that And then David Spade. I don't know what he's doing. I think he's homeless David. Yeah, we pray Do you know there you go comedian X for an ounce as you will plays Adam Sandler's candy and happy Gilmore, too Yep, and how did that come to pass? Did Adam ask you about it? How does that work? He called me up and he goes, why? Why?

Starting point is 01:11:52 Why? Why? And I go, hey, what's up man? No, he goes, hey, I'm doing Happy Gilmore 2. I'm like, oh, that's fucking awesome. Cause he had turned it down for like decades He was like never wanted to do like a reboot of it or a sequel And he was like yeah, he's like I don't script yet, but I wanted to play the caddy and I'm like yeah fuck yeah

Starting point is 01:12:17 amazing So super stoked Any opportunity for a grandma's boy to you think no I got off her grandma's boy to I turned it down really Yeah, I just like Sequels are so tricky especially with comedy So I was like yeah So I thought about it for a minute the only sequel I ever wanted to do really bad And I thought of a whole concept was bench warmers, too

Starting point is 01:12:44 so I really wanted to do that, and we lost the rights to the fucking movie, and they made some bonkers shit show of a sequel. But I had like a whole outline of it. That was the only one I would do a sequel to. Benchwormers 2. Yeah, it's like Ball's fart or something. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:13:04 Yeah, whatever. Mine would mine would have been balls shart So you'll be in that that's awesome, man in happy humor. Yeah What else did I just see I saw him? Oh Steve. Oh, he's getting breast implants. Did you see that? Is he really doing that? I'm doing a show them tomorrow night. Are you yeah, we're doing the doctor Phil without him, right? Oh, yeah, feel them frickin bee cups for me then Yeah, I think he's gonna get him for a couple of months is it a fundraiser he's doing it for That's the most Steve-O thing ever. Otherwise Steve was amazing. I love him but getting tits is Is he like

Starting point is 01:13:44 Is he gonna get rid of his penis? I don't know. Let me see. This says right here, Jackass star Steve-O confirmed this week he's going to undergo breast augmentation for a laugh during an appearance on the X5 podcast. On Wednesday, the 50-year-old prankster said he's been thinking about getting a pair of fake breasts for years. I came up with the idea a few years ago to get a boob job and just film a bunch of legitimately

Starting point is 01:14:02 funny hidden camera pranks with me in disguise in various disguises. I mean, I spoke with the doctors and I said to them candidly, the one thing I'm really freaked out about and bummed out about and would back out of this over is if I'm just gonna be a mess afterwards. He's gonna get D cups. Wow. I wouldn't go that heavy, I don't think. Yeah, that's a little aggressive. Two months it comes, absolutely no issues. That's what the doctor told him. Wow. But D-cups is aggressive.

Starting point is 01:14:31 Yeah, this feels, why not just wear fake boobs to me? Like, why not just wear a... Yeah, totally. Like a prosthetic tit or something. Synthetic, what is it? Yeah. Yeah, a few years ago, to get a boob job. If you go through this, X-Five will pay for that.

Starting point is 01:14:51 Oh, wow. And pay for time taken out. Look, I just so happen to have my checkbook with me. It's not a problem. Dude, that actually means a lot to me, thanks. Oh my God. Wow. I'm gonna see him tomorrow, so I'll ask him, I'll text you. That's incredible, man.

Starting point is 01:15:05 Yeah, getting some breasts would be, I don't know if I would love them. What do you think, Nick? I mean, I don't think I want, I don't want breasts. I don't think I want that. I mean, that would be, D cups, again, is like, that's a haul. You're hauling some fucking weight.

Starting point is 01:15:30 You got some mammaries right there and you don't have a fake baby. Just suck on them tatata cons. You know what I'm saying. And there's no way you're not gonna put your tongue on them a little if you have them. Well no, you gotta eat them out. Yeah, you wanna be fuckin' nip.

Starting point is 01:15:50 Yeah, I mean, I would definitely just juice box those little bad boys, you know? Yeah, but I want juice boxes in my tits. Oh, yeah. So I want some Capri Suns. And then, suck in on a vacation boy. And then we praise them. But yeah, I would for sure fill my tits. Would you get some? I don't know, it just vacation for a win. And then we praise him. But yeah, I would for sure feel my tips.

Starting point is 01:16:07 Would you get some? I don't know. It just seems like a lot. After the thing happened in Colorado, did people call you and express concern? I reached out. I was like, dude, what's going on? I know you hit me.

Starting point is 01:16:15 You were like, what in the fuck? And I was like, just God. I've already been through hell and back. I was like, yeah, I got too high in Colorado. I'm like, yeah, I got too high in Colorado. Like yeah the fuck people like, okay well My bad, that was me. No, no, no, it's fine. Well, you know, you're a good friend Oh, like what's going on man? No, it was a valid question

Starting point is 01:16:39 But I was like you guys like people that like no no me. I'm like, they're like, yeah, okay, like you're fine You know what I mean're like yeah, okay like you're fine. You know I mean like yeah You know I don't I'm not bonkers. Yeah, it's just like a Slip you know what I mean where I was like yeah, I just made the mistake of taking edible mmm And I still take edibles, and I don't even do any other drugs It's like people think like I'm some like cuckoo brain. It's like no, I'm fucking, I know my shit. I'm smart as fuck.

Starting point is 01:17:10 Did people start coming to the shows and wanting you to like do the same thing, like kind of trip out or whatever? Well yeah, like I said, like I did two shows, sold out in Aspen, people were throwing edibles at me. And then so people afterwards were like, okay, what's gonna happen? And I would address it on stage. I was very candid. I'm like you had a bad day at work

Starting point is 01:17:28 You ever have a bad day at work and you end up on the fucking news Yeah, that's a blast But like my shows after that like people can attest to that like yeah Columbus Omaha Philly Houston like they're all great Like my new set is fire. It's awesome Nick Swartz in Todd Nott. You feel good about it? Yeah, I love it. I talk about Norm MacDonald a lot.

Starting point is 01:17:50 Oh yeah? Yeah, I got three Norm stories that are great. Do you remember, did you ever go to his birthday party or anything? Yeah, I went to everything. Really? Yeah. What was, where was one of his birthday parties at?

Starting point is 01:18:01 I never got to go to it. Well, he would have ones at his house. Oh yeah? Yeah. Oh, that's nice. But I remember one of his birthday parties that I never got to go to it. Well, he would have ones at his house. Oh yeah? Yeah. Oh, that's nice. But I remember one of my favorite moments is I was on tour with Sandler, Spade, and Schneider and Norm. And we were in Connecticut, Mahouken-san, and we were backstage.

Starting point is 01:18:17 And Norm and I were in the hallway and there was a security guard walking down and he had a gun. Security guard. But like long hallway. So I saw it and I go to Norm and I go Hey, um That guy's got a gun and Norm was like really paranoid about death and he goes, yeah what? That gun? That guy's got a gun? And I was like, yeah, and he goes in the Sandler's dressing room, and it's again, Adam, David, and Rob.

Starting point is 01:18:46 And Norm goes in and he goes, hey, there's a guy with a gun. And Adam goes, what the fuck? Are you serious? Everyone's like freaking out. And I go, oh no, no, no, I was, no, it's the security guard, I was joking. And everyone's like, what?

Starting point is 01:19:00 And Norm goes, yeah, you said there's a guy with a gun. I'm like, yeah, I know, I was just, it was a joke. And he goes, why is that funny? And Adam's like, what the fuck is wrong with you? I'm like, no, I was just trying to mess with Norm. It's fine, it's fine. And they're like, that's a joke? Fucking psycho.

Starting point is 01:19:17 And I just went to my room alone and just sat there. I was like. There's a guy with a gun? How do you? No, what? No, a gun? What? No. I was like. How do you know again? Yeah, it's like how do I do it teach you how to do it? Do what is a guy with a gun?

Starting point is 01:19:38 Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's like a little bit a little bit of a hesitation where it's like and you gotta do the hands Yeah, right now. Yeah again Yes, yeah, there's a guy. Yeah. Wait, he's got a gun or what? What? A guy with a gun? Yeah, that's better. What?

Starting point is 01:19:53 What are you? What? He's got a gun. He's not a dead body. You gotta like, yeah, I have to have a voice. Sorry. There's a guy with a gun? No, you're doing a dead body voice.

Starting point is 01:20:02 Sorry. There's a guy with a gun? No. No, a gun. No, you're doing a dead body voice. Sorry. The guy with a gun. No. The guy with a gun. That was kind of it, huh? Thanks, dude. It's better, dog. What's another impersonation you do?

Starting point is 01:20:14 Anything? Morgan Freeman? I do a couple impressions that I will save for my new hour. Not gonna spoil it. There he is right there. at that what a fuck Oh Don knots I loved him oh yeah that was impromptu Hey, your mouth is my toilet. That's the worst done nuts ever. Not that bad.

Starting point is 01:20:47 It's fucking. My dog shit snowman. That's not done nuts. That's done nuts. I can do, oh, Morgan Freeman, you know. They said it would take a man 600 years to get out of this year prison, but Andy Dufresne did in less than 20. That was Frederick Douglass.

Starting point is 01:21:15 Oh really? Where them boys at? That's Frederick Douglass, dude. No, you eat me out. Yeah, you don't know. What's something you miss about like when you were younger out. Yeah, you don't know. That's how you do it. What's something you miss about, like when you were younger? Is there anything you ever like have nostalgia for or ever you feel like? Breaking things.

Starting point is 01:21:34 Yeah. I remember like back in the day, like growing up in the eighties, yeah, 1980s. And I remember it was like, we would have like, okay, like go outside and play. play yeah, I would just break things I would find things in the dumpster remember dumpsters Yeah, yeah, and you would find like some light bulbs and then break those bitches. Maybe some fireworks Oh, I don't know the best was if you worked somewhere and like I need you we need you to take these fluorescent bulbs out

Starting point is 01:21:59 We just yeah, there's a mess And they would fucking explode when the powder come out. Yeah, and then you would orgasm them out. Yeah, there's a mess. And they would fucking explode. And the powder would come out. Yeah. And then you would orgasm. Yeah. Yeah. Did you ever meet Michael Jackson or not? No. Damn.

Starting point is 01:22:12 Not yet. Not yet. What about Spacey just did a podcast? Did you ever meet him? Kevin Spacey, no. Really? I never did. I saw him at a party,

Starting point is 01:22:27 and he looked at my genitals. That was fine. That's where he looks. Yeah. No, I never met him. He does a podcast? He just had a podcast. Is he like over his like... He just did one.

Starting point is 01:22:43 Oh, is he over the allegations against them I guess nothing ever happened oh no that wasn't that was about his trial not okay yeah I don't know like who's canceled or what is going on yeah fucking weird oh I don't think him I don't think anybody's canceling where nobody gives a fuck who gives a fuck Kanye got can't nobody gives a fuck he's the dude still selling out tours So nobody cares what somebody says in the media. Nobody even reads them. It's like it's so bizarre It's so ambiguous cuz you're like

Starting point is 01:23:12 What like who is? Are they still? to me Yeah, I think you can kind of do whatever you want. It feels like you know I'm gonna fucking fuck this plant Yeah, yeah, then cancel me Whatever you want, it feels like, you know. I'm gonna fucking fuck this plant. Yeah. Yeah, and then cancel me.

Starting point is 01:23:26 See how that plays out. It's fine with me. I'm gonna fuck your wig. No. Yep, I'm gonna take a shit on your wig. Don't do that. Shit wig. Don't.

Starting point is 01:23:35 That's my next special. Buddy. Shit wig. Hey, shit wig. I mean. Dude, what's something, tell me something else from like, let me think of a good, oh, this was the best, this is the best touring story I ever heard, right?

Starting point is 01:23:47 And I don't remember who told it to me, but they said that one night they were at, they'd done a show at a comedy club, they get off stage and their opener, they were both staying at the same hotel. They said right when they get off stage, some like this hot chick comes and rushes up and is like flirting with them and they're like

Starting point is 01:24:08 and she's like, let's go back to my place and Her place was like 30 minutes away. So the comic was like now let's just go back to my hotel room, right? so they go back to the hotel and She starts getting like super belligerent is like throwing shit at him in the room and stuff. You're like, let's go to my place Let's go to my place. Let's go to my place. She's like, I have drugs there. And so finally the comedian's like, this is too crazy, man. Um, and he throws her out of his room.

Starting point is 01:24:33 She goes down the hall or when she's leaving somehow, she comes across the opener who was also staying at the hotel. The opener goes to leaves with the, goes to her house, right? They take a taxi there, whatever. They get inside. The chick, they're hooking up. They take some pills or the girl took a pill or something like that. The girl handcuffs the guy to a bed, starts giving him like a BJ and she passes out.

Starting point is 01:25:06 So now the dude's handcuffed to the bed. This chick has passed out on his lap and he sees like some headlights come across the, through the windows of like a car pulling into the driveway. So he's like, oh fuck. A man comes in, walks down the hallway, looks in the bedroom where this dude is on the bed with this chick, right? Goes into the kitchen or whatever, does something, comes back, gets the girl, takes her out of there, puts her somewhere, comes back in

Starting point is 01:25:34 the room, tells the dude, if I ever see you at my house again, I'm going to fucking kill you. Blows the dude. I was hoping you were going to say that. Then lets him go, dude. And gave him all his shit and fucking sent him walking. The headlining comedian says like 5am he gets a call and it's the opener and the opener's at like a gas station or something. 25 minutes away and needs some help.

Starting point is 01:26:01 Oh my god. I don't know if that's a true story but it was the guy who told it to me. I want to believe it's true. He told it was so it had to be true. Well detailed. Yeah. Oh that'd be the worst dude. Why the guy did he come? I don't know. I mean that's a valid question. Oh it just it's just that kind of fucking multiple mouths on your dick. It just, it's just that kind of- You have multiple mouths on your dick. It just makes me sad that that's the kind of stuff that's going on. The bait and switch type of thing.

Starting point is 01:26:30 That makes you sad? Yeah. Yeah, do you cry over it? You weep. I wouldn't cry over it. But you said sadness. Well, it bums me out. It doesn't bum you out that somebody's getting chained up

Starting point is 01:26:42 at a house thinking they're gonna hook up with a girl and then somebody's stepdad or whatever comes in and BJ's them out? No. Well, if I only had a heart. Yeah, no, it's amazing. What else, man? So one story I had. So I had to do a gig in Philly.

Starting point is 01:27:05 It was a casino. I had to go through Dallas. I had a casino in Iowa. So same day. So this is not a similar story in any way. Weird segue, but it was one of my favorite moments of the spring tour. So I go Philly, through Dallas, Sioux Falls,

Starting point is 01:27:22 drive to Iowa. Again, same same day key detail So I go and at my flights at 6 in the morning. I've got to make this show in Iowa So I go to the airport 9 p.m.. And I'm like I'm just gonna sleep at the airport So I show up 9 p.m.. I'm like hey. I'll just sleep at the gate what airport Philadelphia okay, so I'm like I'll just sleep at the airport and I'll sleep at the airport. I was asleep under I don't fucking care like I'm just fucking sleep on the floor in front of the gate We need to sleep the airport my flight was at 6 in the morning

Starting point is 01:27:55 I've seen people sleep all the time at the airport. It's an airport. Yeah, I know I'm like whatever fuck it So yeah, you're right 9 p.m. night before, and I go, hey, can I just sleep here? And they were like, no. They were like, TSA is closed. And I'm like, oh, fuck. And they're like, we have a Marriott Airport hotel. And I'm like, oh, okay. So I go to the Marriott, connect to the airport,

Starting point is 01:28:18 and I go, hey, can I get a room? And they're like, no, we're sold out, oversold out. And I go, oh, motherfucker. I'm like, are you serious? And they were like, yeah. So I go to the airport bar at the Marriott, and I'm like, can I get a cocktail? So this couple that I had met in Key West,

Starting point is 01:28:33 and they go, Nick, Swartzen. I go, yeah, what's up? And they go, what are you doing? And I'm like, I'm fucking homeless. I'm homeless. I have no place to stay. I got a flight to Dallas tomorrow And they go we're on that Dallas flight and I go oh cool

Starting point is 01:28:49 And they're like you don't have a room and I'm like no so like do you want to crash on our floor? So I just slept on this couple's floor. They were so nice. I literally slept on their floor They gave me a pillow slept on the floor Oh wow, and then we woke up four in the morning made our flight I made the gig and it was great did they uh They gave me a pillow, slept on the floor. Oh wow. And then we woke up four in the morning, made our flight, I made the gig and it was great. Did they, were they like floored, like it was like trying to be a swinger thing or no?

Starting point is 01:29:12 No, not at all. It was just like, hey, do you want to crash? I'm like, I don't know what other comic would do that. Yeah. I would just sleep on the floor. I'm like, and I vaguely knew them from Key West. They were really sweet. But I was just like, yeah, I'm just gonna, yeah.

Starting point is 01:29:25 Dude, my buddy Jiggy, he opens up with Impractical Joker sometimes. Okay, they're great by the way. Those guys are awesome. Comedian. He was on a plane talking to a girl, flirting, having a good time. The plane ends up getting delayed.

Starting point is 01:29:42 It doesn't leave the tarmac. It goes back to the gate. The girl kind of speaks a little bit of a different language, but the girl says, you can come and stay with me. So my buddy's like, holy shit, I'm gonna go stay at this girl's place. What are the odds? The girl, they get to the place.

Starting point is 01:29:57 It's the girl's grandmother's house. Him, the girl, and the grandmother all slept in the same bed just watching a movie. What? Yeah. Any new pets in your life? I do not. I wish.

Starting point is 01:30:10 Yeah? I travel so much. I love cats and dogs. I'm addicted, fully addicted to Instagram animal videos. Yeah. Like I spend maybe ballpark two hours a day watching animal videos and just sending them to people My family. Yeah. Yeah my friends. Yeah, there's something beautiful about that. There's something. I love seeing a little animal I got to meet some alpacas yesterday

Starting point is 01:30:35 Or not yesterday one week ago. I mean, that's amazing. Where was that? It was in Utah Oh, just had a beautiful time for for to those alpacas a little bit. Right? See if you can see them. Here we go. My boys got them. Oh dang. Wow, bro. That's why I quit smoking, homie. Dang. Beautiful. Yeah, they're beautiful? And their fur... Um... That's good, brother. And their fur is so warm and soft.

Starting point is 01:31:11 Their fur is so warm and soft, dude. And some of them look so weird. And look at this dude, John Rogan, dude. That was our bus driver. John Rogan? Yeah. Is he related to Joe? He grew up in the same town. John Rogan? Yeah. Is he related to Joe? He grew up in the same town.

Starting point is 01:31:26 Is that true? Yeah. My favorite is I had lunch with Joe Rogan recently. And he had genie sashimi. He brought a genie lamp and rubbed it. Genie came out and Joe cut it up. Fucking ate it. Yeah, it was amazing.

Starting point is 01:31:41 Oh, that's beautiful. Yeah, he's not afraid. Dude, I think sometimes I wish my fucking I wish I had metal legs No, cuz it'd be so clangy when you're sitting down Yeah, not if you sit right That's why you cross your legs. You wish you had more balls you could handle it or not or two is good I think two is fine. I mean, ideally, I would like eight Little fucking satchel.

Starting point is 01:32:09 Little family, huh? Yeah, little fucking hobo satchel. That little- With a stick with a fucking satchel. Oh yeah, like a little spider carrying their eggs or whatever? Exactly. Yeah, and then they spread and fucking disease. Have you ever had STD or not? I have not.

Starting point is 01:32:27 Not yet. Sure, dude. I'll be on tour. Next words in dot net. Everybody lies at that, dude. You see that lady that hid those drugs and those burritos? Is that a euphemism or? Drug disguised as Taco Bell burritos found during traffic stop.

Starting point is 01:32:45 Great. Now I want Taco Bell. Thanks. Wow. You ever do some good blow back in the day, Nick, ever? I was never a big coke guy, but I did do it one time where it was like really good, like 20 years ago. Yeah. And it was like pure. And what, did you guys have a long night on it? Do you remember that or not? I remember like Do it was in Atlanta fucking ATL. I'll be there on tour next Keep warning myself now, but uh yeah

Starting point is 01:33:17 I went to some bar and I had to blow out this fucking black dude is cool as shit And then we talked philosophy all night. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it was like one of those cocaine versations. Yeah. It was just fucking Chad Sajak, we were just back and forth, and we were talking about the difference between Plato and Socrates, and then existentialism. It got like- Really?

Starting point is 01:33:38 Yeah, it got bonkers. Yeah. Because I love transcendentalism and existentialism. I haven't and existentialism Throw like I can talk like all that stuff But it was a great night. It was it was great I got cornered by two brothers one time at a pizza joint actually out there and Out there near Palm Springs and okay, they were the first people that ever talked about flat earth Two brothers you wouldn't expect that. You would.

Starting point is 01:34:09 Yeah, you might be right. Yeah, you would. What was the pizza joint? It was at a casino out there. I was working at a casino and they had a pizza place in it. I don't remember the name of it. Oh, okay. It was at a casino, though. It wasn't like a franchise. It wasn't like pizza. I did a movie in southern, Indiana Yeah, and it was retarded my friend Michael rosa bombs movie is great. It's called back in the day. It's awesome

Starting point is 01:34:31 Is it out yet? Yeah, it's out. It's on DVD. Oh nice. Yeah, it's great great movie But we were in southern, Indiana, and they were like and I go do you guys have like a like what's a nice restaurant here? And they're like we have a pizza hut and that was their Fancy place and I was like all right So I went to pizza But that was their that was their bar. They were like yeah. Yeah, we have a fancy place Pizza. Hmm. Yeah, yeah pizza. It's kind of like a love diarrhea Pizza, it's kind of like that pizza, it's kind of like that thing. Wherever you put, whatever you put in it, it's still going to be, you can tell

Starting point is 01:35:10 cause of the roof, you know, it's almost like if somebody's trans or whatever, like no matter what you do, you can know cause of the roof, what the original kind of structure was, you know, like it could be a chase bank and you're like, yeah, but yeah, but What was it? We know there was breadsticks up here. Yeah, I like it whenever hut is in the word. That's There's nothing classy about like yeah, there's let's go to sushi hut No, I'm not doing that Let's go to fucking China Hut. Yeah, that's not good. It's a hut.

Starting point is 01:35:47 Or f**k Bistro. I'm like, that I don't know if that's what we should eat at. Dude, we had a dude on time in our neighborhood. I knew we were talking about like kind of racial clothing or whatever earlier, but he had a hat, right? The hat said the N word on the front, right? He sold this hat. It said the N word on the back. It said just joking across the bat. So who the fuck sold that? I guess like an entrepreneur or whatever. I don't know what it's called, but an entrepreneur or an intrapreneur, dude, hard and intraprene entrepreneur. But it was crazy because at first I just saw the front of it and I was like, oh man, you can't. I was like, save me one, but I wouldn't make a lot of those, you know? But then he goes, dude, no. And he turns around and says, just joking across the bat.

Starting point is 01:36:41 It's like, oh. That's so weird. Yeah. I mean, it's just like one of those gimmicky kind of shirts or whatever. No, I get what it is. You know, can you see that video where they find that it was a Yamaka, the mentally challenged guy and they catch him. They accused him of being a child predator.

Starting point is 01:36:57 And then they make them wear a shirt that said, I went to meet up with a child and all I got was this stupid shirt. Is that real? That's amazing. He pulled it up, Nick. It's on Tik TOK, I think, but it's just, there's a lot of this child predator stuff now, you know, you see that guy, Vitaly and, um, uh, maybe in Bradley Martin caught a, they caught a Hollywood executive supply.

Starting point is 01:37:23 They surprised him at a pizza place. But it's crazy that just regular everyday citizens now are doing, have become officers, you know? Right. Here you go right here. What is your name? Boris, my name is Boris. Boris, what's your name?

Starting point is 01:37:37 Shake my hand. What's the problem? What do you see with my daughter? You know who she is? I don't know, I have no idea. You have no idea. I have no idea. You have no idea you have no idea the fuck you thought was gonna happen here

Starting point is 01:37:50 pizza yeah you don't know how old is she red you know how old she is 23 is that was that what the conversation look like 23 on a dating site. 23. On a dating site. Yes. Yeah? Yeah, she was 23 on a dating site. How old is she? I have no idea. Lila, how old are you? 15.

Starting point is 01:38:11 I'm sorry. 15. She was 23 on a dating site. All we've done is gone. So she didn't tell you how old she was? That's good. She did. How old is she?

Starting point is 01:38:21 Yeah, that's Bradley Martin talking. Some of you guys can't see it if you're just on audio. But they just stopped this guy who I guess met up with a girl at a pizza place. But you're seeing a lot of this now like- Vigilantes. Vigilantes. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:38:33 You're seeing it everywhere. Yeah, but why does it always come back to pizza? Yeah. That's a good question. Why don't we ban pizza? Yeah, cause- Let's get rid of pizza. But yeah, I yeah, I open up a pizza slut hut. Did they lose their job Nick because of that though? No, it just kind of went away. Oh, but did I thought Vitaly got kicked off a kick? I thought you were talking about the writer. I'm looking that up if he got kicked off.

Starting point is 01:39:07 I don't know who that is. It's a streamer. The streamers, it's a tough business, man. Could you imagine that? Milonakis did it for a while. Yeah, I mean, he was like one of the originals. Yeah, Andy like started streaming like way back in the day. I was like, what the fuck is going on here? Cause it'd be crazy when you're around him.

Starting point is 01:39:23 He's just streaming, he's just this whole universe going in, you know in you know yeah, like you're literally stuck in the internet. It feels like Well, you're just non. It's non-stop content right so it's like I can't it feels exhausting it feels super exhausting like I am so like tired of like Just touring enough and like coming out new special, July 18th, but just touring and doing my nonsense, filming. But I can't imagine nonstop having your phone like, yeah, hey, I'm here at Pizza Hut, how old are you?

Starting point is 01:40:01 I'm just like, oh my God. Dude, imagine if you're just trying to, this must be the worst part. You're sitting there, you're just trying to enjoy your meal. Right. And somebody next to you is a child predator. So now your meal's ruined. And you're in the background.

Starting point is 01:40:22 Yes. So people are like, I saw you hanging out with that child predator like Hanging out I was at table 7 yeah, and they're like Rick you affiliated with Gary who's Putting babies on his asshole, and what's in your new special is it tough to make a new special these days? I mean it's hard as shit because it's like and I think you know this like you've done it long enough where it's like when you have a new hour so I have a new hour coming out

Starting point is 01:40:50 again July 18th and then a whole new hour in the fall so every time you have an hour it's so daunting where I'm like can I think of another hour like after this like I don't know if this might be my last one. I don't know You know what I mean? Yeah, like whenever you think of a new hour. It's so hard to write like a good hour Oh, yeah, I've had bits. I'm like, oh this is I'll never have another good bit. This is the best bit I'll ever have yeah, I'm always like I'm just my favorite joke and this is what I got and that's it. Yeah, totally, you know But my new hour is fire did yeah Yeah. It's fun as shit. What are some of the things you're discussing? Like is it about a certain part of your life?

Starting point is 01:41:28 Is it about growing up or is it just stories or what is it? It's kind of like all over the place. Like if you've seen my shows, which people have, it's like storytelling, one-liners. It's like kind of all over the map, like observational. Diarrhea stuff or no? There's a couple D-rays, couple D-rays. I make sure my fans know.

Starting point is 01:41:50 You show up, you're gonna hear a D-ray. We're spraying it on the walls, homie. Yeah. Horse poopy. Well, yeah, it's just crazy how there's like vigilanteism now, it's like, you know? Yeah, which is cool, but if it's warranted, you know what I mean?

Starting point is 01:42:03 It's like, yeah. Like what do you mean, like people listening to warrant? Yeah, like is cool, but if it's warranted, you know what I mean? It's like yeah, like what do you mean? Like people listening to warrant. Yeah, like the band But yeah, if it's warranted yeah, of course You know remember the first time somebody ever touched your genitals or not Yeah vaguely where was it what count or whatever it was at my family reunion. Oh, yeah. Yeah That's why we pray. Yeah, do we need more fucking gay animals? We need um, and we got to support our gay animals That's the thing We have to. You know? Giraffes? If you see a giraffe, suck its dick

Starting point is 01:42:44 You know giraffes if you see a giraffe suck its dick There it's right there. It's hanging fruit. It's so big though You know how big it's gonna be yeah, but why don't you just what if it's up? What if you just skirt like it up? Did it rip your jaw open if he fucking moves over the left or whatever? Yeah, when you get a new jaw when he get John implants You're gonna have a you're gonna be in a neck brace cuz's got a blue some giraffe. Yeah, then you have a great story Yeah And people like what happened to your jaw turtle head? Giraffic new special coming out our tour. Sorry toilet head. Sorry toilet head

Starting point is 01:43:21 Did you say toilet toilet head? I said turtle head. Sorry, man, I was in Vegas all weekend, my brain is rattled. His wig is off. My wig is off. July 18th, YouTube. Great joke from Face, then toilet head this fall. Game fucking on. And Sketch, we love you dude, hang in there. Yeah, I just can't believe that this whole time he's been a Texans fan. Yeah, Houston. It's a spa. We have a problem.

Starting point is 01:43:55 Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I praise him. Nick Swarton, thanks for hanging out dude. Love you dude. Sorry if I was a little bit subdued today, man. That's okay, I'm thanks for hanging out dude. Love you dude. Sorry if I was a little bit subdued today, man. That's okay, I'm fucking always subdued.

Starting point is 01:44:07 Makes jokes from Face that comes out July 18th on YouTube. His tour, Toilet Head, you can get out there now and catch him. Any more Edibles on stage, Nick? You're done. We don't know yet. Yeah. See how this plays out.

Starting point is 01:44:22 He's gonna make a Edible, so fast, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so. Well I wish it was a night, See how this plays out. He's gonna make a A-double-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice-suffice- There's no hair. Spade took me to his hair doctor. That guy's fucking 2000 years old, dude. Oh yeah. All right. Cool, man. All right. Praise.

Starting point is 01:44:55 Now I'm just on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves. I must be cornerstone. Oh, but when I reach that ground I'll share this peace of mind I found I can feel it in my bones But it's gonna take a little

This Past Weekend - E515 Nick Swardson

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.