This Past Weekend - E565 Bert Kreischer

Starting point is 00:00:00 BedMGM, authorized gaming partner of the NBA, has your back all season long. From tip-off to the final buzzer, you're always taken care of with a sportsbook born in Vegas. That's a feeling you can only get with BedMGM. And no matter your team, your favorite player, or your style, there's something every NBA fan will love about BedMGM. Download the app today and discover why BedMGM is your basketball home for the season. Raise your game to the next level this year with BedMGM. Download the app today and discover why BetMGM is your basketball home for the season. Raise your game to the next level this year with BetMGM. A sportsbook worth a slam dunk. An authorized gaming partner of the NBA.

Starting point is 00:00:33 BetMGM.com for terms and conditions. Must be 19 years of age or older to wager. Ontario only. Please play responsibly. If you have any questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact Connex Ontario at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. I have some new tour dates to tell you about. I'll be in Chicago, Illinois on April 24th at the W Wind Trust Arena, Fort Wayne, Indiana on April 26th at the Allen County War Memorial Coliseum, and Miami, Florida on May 10th at the Casea

Starting point is 00:01:14 Center. All tickets at thetheovon.com slash T-O-U-R. Today's guest is a stand-up comedian, a podcaster, an actor. You know him from his shows Burtcast and Two Bears, One Cave with Tom Segura. He's got a new special coming out on Netflix called Lucky which premieres March 18th. I'm grateful to have my friend the machine here today, Mr. Burt Kreischer There's a woman out there teaching her kid how to ride a bike. I could do it in five minutes. You want to do it? A buddy, it's part of what I'm working on in therapy.

Starting point is 00:02:12 Really? Let people have their own thing. Oh. Yeah. I get my fingers in everything. And I just was like, hey, here's what we do. We take off the pedals, okay? And you teach him to just glide with his feet and lift his feet up.

Starting point is 00:02:24 That's how I did it with both my girls. then we go to a subtle decline and we do it that way with feet up the whole way then we put the pedals back on teach him how to pedal so easy hmm yeah yeah riding a bike the toughest thing I remember well first some guy who's teaching you don't know him usually in my neighborhood you didn't know it was like some dude's dad we'd be out there drinking or something like I'll teach this little whatever you know you're like some dude's dad would be out there drinking or something like I'll teach this little whatever, you know You're like, well, that's not That's a whole that's not how it works at all. Well, yeah, well, you definitely know the guy

Starting point is 00:02:52 Well, yeah, but yes, but a lot of times you also don't know you some people someplace You don't know the guy right or if your dad isn't there or whatever. So there's some guy who sets his beard down He's like I'll teach this little mother. Youucker. I almost did that out front. Yeah. Yeah, okay, that makes sense, that tracks. Yeah, so then that guy, so now suddenly there's some guy teaching, you don't even know or whatever, and then they get you going, right?

Starting point is 00:03:14 And that part's good, but the scary part is then you realize you have to steer, and that's where a lot of people just bank right into it. You do two things at once, you have to pedal and steer. And it's counterintuitive. My daughter, Isla, the first time I told her I'd ride a bike, I got her going, like pedals off, gliding, pedals back on,

Starting point is 00:03:35 here we go, and boom, hit a BMW. Hard as shit, over the handlebars, body mark on top of the hood, and I was like, God. So then she goes, I'm good, Dad. Second time we get her, she hits a trash can. Right away and I was like, God. So then, she goes, I'm good, dad. Second time we get her, she hits a trash can. Then right away, I'm like, God dang. And then third time, she hit a fire hydrant, and then we realized she needed glasses.

Starting point is 00:03:52 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We got to get her glasses. Yeah, at that point. She's dyslexic too. She hits so much shit. We got a video of her. She's just, that kid has been, are we rolling? Are we good?

Starting point is 00:04:03 Huh, I don't know, are we? No, you're good. Okay. That kid rolled the dice on life so much so much Do you know the feeling of when you cut your bike front tire and it goes like this? She would she would do that. That's how she rode a bike. She liked her stomach just drop so she go And George had a GoPro on her helmet and Ila did it and then went over the handlebars That's the cutest video George looks me. He goes dad. I got it Capture the footage. Yeah, who's great? Wow, you guys are a footage family. You've always been kind of a footage family then Yeah, but it was before

Starting point is 00:04:37 Content really right like it women. We you know, I got an Instagram to not tip for professional reasons. I got Instagram I got an Instagram to not for professional reasons. I got an Instagram to keep up with people I knew in high school and college. And then you're like, oh, in comics, cool. No one was posting videos of like promo videos. And then I shared everything about my family on everything. I remember the first time I realized, maybe I was oversharing,

Starting point is 00:05:00 is I posted our Christmas card on Instagram. And someone hit me up, a guy we both know, that we someone hit me up, guy we both know, that we respect hit me up and he was like, dude, what are you doing? And I was like, and it got like a million likes. And I was like, you know, I don't know, you get addicted to the likes, you're like, nice, fucking killed it.

Starting point is 00:05:14 And then you don't realize your kids, all their friends see that and then you're putting, you're taking toothpaste out of the tube that you never put back in. But that was, we were creating content not knowing what we were doing. Oh, I see what you're saying, like like yours like maybe you're putting things that might have been too personal out there you mean way too personal yeah wait I mean I

Starting point is 00:05:29 talked about I was period on one of my specials and you weren't there for the first period whatever were you oh my god and what don't you gotta like candles or whatever huh yeah we did hang on yeah dude as a comic okay uh-huh you certain things happen to us where we go that's too good. That's gotta go on stage like something happens and you're like this Yeah, it's like I did just it's a I don't know if it's like a I don't know like if it's a neediness or whatever It is but she got her period and I talked about a special but she called me from school and she's like, yo It happened. I was like, yeah, she's like I go go what do you need like new socks or like just she's a new panties new pants new whatever she goes no go to the store and get a red velvet cake I was like huh she goes we're throwing a period party and I was like

Starting point is 00:06:18 Wow I was like okay be positive immediately as we were as as the night went through and by the way put it on all social medics It's funny and no one no one has a frame of reference for how big this is getting You know and you just filming and you're laughing and everyone's laughing and then I love the next morning was like, you know Maybe we want to take that off social media. Maybe I don't want everyone I went to school with to know I got my period yesterday. I was like, yeah, good call a 10 year old or 12 year old whatever you are God I don't know if people I mean I guess people

Starting point is 00:06:46 kind of remember I Think if somebody got their period in our neighborhood people would just start calling them a whore or whatever, you know Like I think people were just Yeah, people were were more vulgar in our area. I think you know if anything happened It was everybody always made it you feel ashamed in no matter what happened to you, you know, oh Okay. Yeah, I've been talking about shame a lot in therapy. Have you been? Yeah, you just said well You just said you that you can you saw somebody who was trying to teach her kid to ride a bike because I heard something

Starting point is 00:07:13 Going on out there. I heard something that sounded kind of Mexican or whatever happened out. It was very Mexican Yeah, yeah I heard like something kind of Mexican happen at outside earlier and I was like, oh wonder what's going on But I'm not gonna get involved, I gotta work right now. But you came in, you said you saw a mom teaching a kid to ride a bike. Yeah. And you were gonna get involved.

Starting point is 00:07:30 I wanted to get involved. Yeah. And I just was like, no, this is their life. What am I doing? Right. Like what part, what need do I have to jump in, make it an event, event like, ah, and then, I don't know. So I was like, I'm working on that in therapy too.

Starting point is 00:07:42 Just like removing myself, slowing down, listening. Yeah, well Leanne and I are in couples therapy. Oh y'all are? It's awesome. No way. Yeah, I'm fucking killing her. Like I've won three, she's only won two. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:07:56 Two ties. I'm smoking her dude. The very first therapy, the very first therapy. The therapist, like I was just, I just, I didn't, like we went into couples therapy in a good place. We were in a good place, but the girls both went to college. We're spending a lot of time together. And you know, and like I just, I, both of us were like, yeah, this is just different than we've ever lived.

Starting point is 00:08:14 I've always been on the road home Tuesday, Wednesday, gone Thursday, back Monday. And now all of a sudden, and I'm taking a break from standup right now. So I'm taking like a year off and We're just around each other so much We're like maybe we should like just be in front of it in case something happens, right? Like see what's going on Yeah, yeah And so yeah the first therapy that their fair Leanne interrupts to me and the therapist goes now, you know me, right? He goes does he ever talk? I You know me right because does he ever talk?

Starting point is 00:08:49 I was like, oh, this is awesome. She's got I'm got Leanne got crossed up She's like on her heels like wait, what the fuck he won't shut the fuck. He's just not talking now I never felt like it was like oh, yeah Damn dude who picked the therapist that's the thing that happens a lot of times is with couples I think you get if you pick the therapist and it's almost like that's your, you have like, um, you know, like the insider trading on the referees or whatever, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She picked the therapist. Yeah. I'm not, I'm never going to find a therapist. Yeah. And was it weird? And one of the things they said in there was that you got to let people do their thing.

Starting point is 00:09:20 Yes. I need to slow down. I have FOMO. I want to be involved in everything. I want to like, I just, I get, I felt like I've done too much, I wanna be involved in everything. I wanna like, I just. I get, I feel like I've done too much as looking at you. Like if I look at you, I'm like, oh fuck, I gotta sit down for a minute. Dude, I get, when I wake up, when I wake up, if I hear something happening downstairs, I gotta go downstairs.

Starting point is 00:09:37 I go, what are we doing? Hang on, we're playing with the dogs? I wanna be a part of that. Yeah. Like dude, I, and I have, my day starts early, and it just, I slam it. So if I have Like dude, I, and my day starts early, and it just, I slam it. Because if I have any downtime, I get in my head, I get on my phone,

Starting point is 00:09:49 I don't, it's just not positive. And so I pack my days. I had a therapist tell me one time you have FOMO. I was like, that doesn't sound like a therapy. Yeah, well, I mean, it's just crazy. You would, yeah, I guess you hear something you wanna go see, you wanna be a part of, you wanna know what's going on.

Starting point is 00:10:06 Yeah, like when you got sober, did that change? Because there has to be a part of you when you get sober where you go, hey man, they're all going out, but I'm cool staying home. Oh no, I just didn't, the best thing that happened from that was at like 11.30 or midnight, I was like, I'm fucking heading home. So you just didn't end up like in the retardation hours.

Starting point is 00:10:27 You didn't end up fucking, sneaking into somebody's house through an air vent or some fucking shit or some dude tricking, trying to trick you into being gay or whatever. I'm so glad when I hear you talk like that, I go, I definitely don't have a problem. I've never known anyone to climb through an air vent. Oh dude, have you seen that?

Starting point is 00:10:46 There's a great meth tribute video where a guy shows up through a floor air vent in somebody's trailer. That shit was something else. Dude, when I was a kid, my buddy Jeff, he had like a lot of violent tendencies or whatever. I don't know what happened to him, but he would get so angry his parents would send him to his room and he would beat the drywall out of the walls of his room. And every year for Christmas, they would get the drywall redone in his room.

Starting point is 00:11:13 Oh, that's very sweet of him. And he would listen to that song, you gotta keep them separated. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. I just met those dudes. I'm so fucking fucking too loud, I'm so fucking fucking tired. Do you know that they got, they said, I just met those dudes. Do you know that they got, they said, I was talking to the, to Dexter and, and fucking slinky, it's not slinky.

Starting point is 00:11:34 Noodles? What? Noodles, Dexter and Noodles. And they said, you know, that a lot of white supremacists adopted that song. Yeah. You know another song white supremremacist adopted? Huh. These boots are made for walking and that's just what they'll do.

Starting point is 00:11:49 But the White Supremacist, one of these days these boots are gonna Walk all over you. Jews. Ooh. Stomp, yeah. Damn. There's a, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:11:58 I heard that in the old school, you ever watch the old school Ku Klux Klan videos? Mm, they didn't do a music video, did they? I don't think so. I haven't seen that if they did. There would be like the videos where it's like the one British guy infiltrates the Klan, and he's like, so I'd like to talk to your son,

Starting point is 00:12:16 and he's like, so do you have a problem with black people? Oh, I knew you were talking about, dude. Louis Thoreau, yeah. Oh, Louis Thoreau, yeah. And then he'd go to like their fucking, their big barn and they're burning his cross and he's like I feel a little uncomfortable This isn't really my cup of tea. Oh the cross is a little warm

Starting point is 00:12:32 Can you turn down the heat a little close to the cross can we do smaller crosses? Maybe spread them out evenly by the tables kind of like a heat lamp He goes actually my wife's a bit cold could Could you spark up a small cross near her? Do you think that was the first cross burning? They're like well, we want to get us right here, but there's people on the side Like let's get spread it out like the fire is too centralized Well, I think that's why you that's probably why they burn across. It's kind of the perfect fucking heat lamp. I don't understand I mean, I'm sure it's ominous to see a cross burning in your front yard Why they burn across? It's kind of the perfect fucking heat lamp. I don't understand. I mean, I'm sure it's ominous to see a cross burning

Starting point is 00:13:07 in your front yard, but if I saw that and I'm like two in the morning, I'd be like fucking sweet. Yeah. I'm like nice, I believe in God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck yeah. I'd be like, oh damn, we got a Megadeth rally happening. We are, what is this?

Starting point is 00:13:21 Our organization is just- You interviewed that dude? Our relatives- Yeah, fascinating guy. Media's advertising, the literature we put out is advertising. We are what is this our organization is just you interviewed that dude Yeah fascinating guy is advertising the literature we put out. He did uh curtain cortney, too, I think He's done a lot of documentaries. He's done a ton, but he does like gossip documentaries, you know Yeah, it's always and it's a little it was almost a look Will the skinhead in the crowd Could be handy for cross burnings That's not cool

Starting point is 00:13:51 Can use a big lighter for a cross? No, no, you have to use a torch or something. How come? Can't use a big lighter for a cross burning. Hang on. Hang on. Let's hang on pick that apart That is fucking hilarious if they've built the cross it's covered in fucking kerosene and you see a guy At the bottom I can't get it. Hang on. It's too windy Like someone trying to light a cigarette behind the comedy store. Hey somebody come stand like Dude one time I was at this party out in Franklin, Tennessee and they had like a huge bonfire, right? and so they were and they had one black guy that was at this party out in Franklin, Tennessee, and they had like a huge bonfire, right? And so they were, and they had one black guy

Starting point is 00:14:28 that was at the party, right? And they sent him to pour the gasoline on all of this huge, I mean, it was a huge pile of sticks, you had to climb up, I mean, it was humongous, it was probably- A little gas goes a long way. I agree, and it was 40 feet wide and probably 20 feet high, this pile.

Starting point is 00:14:43 And I was like, and there was American flags everywhere I was like you cannot send the one but I was like if anything happens right there. Yeah, this looks Absolutely being with your Jewish friend and go hey, there's something in the back of my oven Can you climb in and see if you can get it out? You know fuck no well? That's why Jews invented the self-cleaning oven They're like we're not doing that sure we're not falling for that again oh oh we're gonna make us take that out probably they can't huh well unless the Jews actually invented the self-cleaning oven then it's just

Starting point is 00:15:16 fucking that's just factual information dude I can't so I can't believe you're in therapy so that's going on yeah I like it you do I didn't believe you're in therapy, so that's going on. Yeah, I like it. You do? I didn't do therapy. I quit therapy for a period of time because I was talking too much, meaning two bears, bird cast, something's burning, and tour.

Starting point is 00:15:34 So every day I'm talking like four hours a day. And I was like, I just was losing my voice like crazy. I was like, I can't talk. I just don't physically want to talk anymore. And then when I took time off, I was like, like second I took time off, like my first week I got really depressed. So I was like, I don't physically want to talk anymore and then and then when I took time off I was like like second I took time off like my first week. I got really depressed, so I was like really yeah Yeah, but are you able to figure out like what that depression is because otherwise it's not torn It's just not yeah, dude not being on the go not being not being not being on the go not having something going not like hey

Starting point is 00:16:00 We got to pack you up. We got to get you to but I don't not we're going out to Boston You're doing the thing but you already have you've done so much like don't you up, we gotta get you to da da da da. We're going out to Boston, you're doing the thing. But you already have, you've done so much. Don't you worry that continuing to burn it at that speed would burn you out, or maybe you just don't get burnt out. No, I don't get burned out. I don't get burned out. What was happening to me was creative.

Starting point is 00:16:18 Creatively, I just felt like I was just spinning my wheels and nothing good was coming out. Oh yeah. And so I was like, I a like I got done this last hour It's premiering on Netflix March 18th. I think 18th. So I'm gonna check that Lucky and and I when I got done doing that hour I feel like I you know how like when we get you know how when you start a new hour You scrap everything and then you go to your joke, but you I got like 20 minutes, right? I for this special. I dumped everything Fucking seven-minute stories turned it into a three-minute story

Starting point is 00:16:46 I dumped everything I just piled this my first four minutes was initially like ten minutes and I crammed it So I wanted to be good. It's like, you know, it's like my sixth special So I don't want people to think I got lazy But then when I got done, I was like, you know, I I need to I need to write and I was like my girls are In college. I'm with Leanne all the time. Like what am I talking about? Who am I? What am I gonna, and so I was like I'm taking time off but my first week I'm sitting in my backyard

Starting point is 00:17:11 and I'm just like depressed, looking at people touring, having fun, looking at like. So severely just that fear of missing out. Missing out man, like I just, I love the energy and we pulled Fully Loaded from the summer to give me time off to do this thing this summer This summer it was we do fully loaded every summer and it's so fucking fun Oh those videos I would always get in me

Starting point is 00:17:31 So those seen all the pictures at the gorges and stuff like that and you guys are just having a blast I would always feel like such a loser that I wasn't doing it or I wasn't some of those places Just I can't afford you. I don't know about that There wasn't there was a second where I could've gotten you and Schultz where the two like, two kinda like white whales, it would've been me, you, Schultz, Shane Gillis. Mark Norman. Mark Norman, Santino. Like it would just, it would've been,

Starting point is 00:17:54 it's such a fun group. Whitney, Nikki, it's such a fun, Big J, Dan Soder, it's so fun. And Schultz called me directly and he was like, I got your offer and I respectfully declined. But then his agent was like, you can't afford him. And I was like, okay, I get it. But you want your friends to blow up.

Starting point is 00:18:11 It would have been cool, but it's like you don't ever want someone to take a pay cut to come do something. Yeah, or sometimes it's also just a time cut. It's like, since we've been podcasting more, it just takes so much time. And then I have to do it here and Nashville. It's just like the back and forth.

Starting point is 00:18:24 That's why I said this when we were in, I apologize for interrupting. And your own touring. So it's like, you have your own tour. It's like, last year, I don't know, I maybe had two weekends where I did something for myself that I wanted to do that wasn't work, which is fine, because I like working.

Starting point is 00:18:38 But- I like working too. They say, do you have a hobby? And I go, like podcasts? No, like, do you have a hobby? I go, shoot content. Like, no, like a hobby. I go like podcasts? No, like do you have a hobby I go? Shoot content like no like a hobby. I go I'm working on a movie. Yeah, and they're like no What do you do for fun? I go like collect rocks I don't know what the fuck you're talking about like look at toads take pictures of animals Well, I don't who who the fuck does that? Yeah. Yeah, that's the thing

Starting point is 00:18:58 Sometimes people will be like you got to get a hobby and I'm like, well Some of my hobbies became work and so there're still my hobbies, they're just more, it just like, you're just super involved with them, I guess. I guess I could get a nice hobby. Like what? Like think about, like walking with a friend. You think of the top 10 hobbies. Walking with a friend is not a hobby.

Starting point is 00:19:18 It isn't? Because immediately I go, why don't we turn into a podcast? Here's the beautiful thing about podcasting, okay? And so let's scrap, ignore that podcasting is a podcast. Here's the beautiful thing about podcasting, okay? And so let's scrap, ignore that podcasting is a business. When are me and you gonna get a chance to sit down for an hour and just hang out? And go, you can't answer your phone, can't look at your phone, let's just talk.

Starting point is 00:19:36 For the rest of our lives, probably never till we're older. Or if you have something you wanna promote, maybe we can do it over at my house. But it's like, it's kinda fucked up. I'll never get a chance to sit down with Kevin Nealon for an hour, I sat with him for an hour and 30 minutes, I got to ask him all the questions I ever wanted to ask. Danny Trejo, Travis Parker, you know, Jelly,

Starting point is 00:19:53 it's like, I see Jelly, Jelly's a little different because I see him and I end up spending a lot of time with him. Yeah, he's somehow so, he finds, he's so accessible in a weird way. Yeah, but podcasting, I don't look at that as work, I look at it as opportunity to hang out with my friends, you know, and get to know other people, other men.

Starting point is 00:20:10 Oh, for sure. Yeah. And I think a lot of people maybe don't get as much time with that, and so that's why they listen to podcasts too. It's like, ooh. You know, a lot of people don't. Ooh, I like what you said.

Starting point is 00:20:20 Maybe they don't get as much time as that. So that's why they're listening more to podcasts. I think some of it's why I listen. It's like, oh, I wanna hear a conversation about this thing. And so that's what I'm listening to where I wanna hear about a conversation that's funny. Or I don't get to hang out with Tim Dillon and Rogan together.

Starting point is 00:20:35 I never do. So it's fun when I listen to the two of them talk because they have smart brains in a different way than me. Like I'll never think the way they think. No, they're the best. Tim Dillon is so original, it's unbelievable. He is my favorite gossip in the world. He had this bit about the other day on, it was a social reel, and it was like about the fires

Starting point is 00:20:58 and how somebody hired private security to protect their private firemen or protect their ice cream shop or whatever or whatever was like all these places are burning but the fucking Maui peach sorbet was fucking saved or whatever you were doing your fingers the whole time as you were trying to get fancy the Maui peach sorbet Like you're selling fancy to me Well, I think I was trying to think of something fancy and this helped me

Starting point is 00:21:25 Yeah, I know this this little movement right here. Just like hey, do you guys want to go to dinner? It's really nice Hey, if I take my dick out, I think you're gonna like it. I put sprinkles on it That's like who had that jug of yeast cause on the Mexican in front of it. It just makes it so much better, dude No, oh wait, that's not what I thought It just makes it so much better, dude. No, oh wait, not what I thought. Oh really, you thought worse? I was at a Mexican restaurant at the end of the Santa Monica Pier.

Starting point is 00:21:50 Yeah, yeah, yeah. And this guy, the lady comes up to me and my buddy Eddie and she goes, would you guys like Mexican hot chocolates? And we're like, ugh, no thank you. What, do you wrap us in a blanket, hold us down and shit in our mouths? No thanks, I think we'll pass. Mexican hot chocolate sounds like a fucking, like when you want a Mexican blowjob, you're like, hold on, and shit in our mouths? No thanks, I think we'll pass. Mexican hot chocolate sounds like a fuckin',

Starting point is 00:22:06 like when you want a Mexican blowjob, you're like, hold on, what are we doing here? Like it's like the donkey show. Do you ever see a donkey show? I never saw it, I don't wanna get involved with that, I have a good relationship with outdoor animals. I don't wanna get like that. Yeah, this is his clip right here.

Starting point is 00:22:21 Oh, I love that he's, You can play from right there, it's fun. That little Palisades village? I'm glad it's still there. I am. I'm glad that guy brought in his own water and fucking was like yeah we're not losing what's the fucking McConnell's we're not losing that ice cream place. There's people burning alive in the street. He's like, yeah, we're not losing McColls. What are you, nuts?

Starting point is 00:22:50 It's a good ice cream. Santa Barbara's strawberry is a great flavor. What are you, nuts? What's that other sushi place? Is it Blue Ribbon? It's good in... Yeah! Fuck yeah! The fucking... It's just hilarious to be a billionaire and then go, we're bringing in water and we're bringing in our own firefighters

Starting point is 00:23:12 and then the firefighters show up, they're like, all right, who do we save? And you're like, what? Get the fuck in front of Blue Ribbon Sushi right now. You're not even fucking buying me a piece of shit? Who do we save? The Tiger Roll. That's a fucking get in front of Bloomer the Sushi.

Starting point is 00:23:31 That's good. What impresses me about Tim is he can do his show by himself for fucking one hour. Once a week. Have you ever tried that? For one hour every day? No, once a week he does his show. Once a week have you ever tried that? for one hour every day, no, have you ever know once a week he does his show once a week and Yeah, I do that for years. I think didn't I? Yeah, he was solo for the first couple years just him talking and then my brain I ran out of anything I don't even know now. I'm just like a fucking thoroughfare for other people's bullshit now

Starting point is 00:24:02 I suck it you should be I used to have some of my own ideas the affair for other people's bullshit. And I was like, it used to be, I used to have some of my own ideas. Now it's just fucking nothing. You know, I think you used to have your own ideas. I don't know, dude. I always say to people, I always say to people,

Starting point is 00:24:14 hey wait, were you using drugs when we did that fraternity pilot? Let me think. Oh, remember that thing, dude? Yeah, I tried to buy it. That pilot? Yeah. Because I think Bunn & Murray's collapsed, right? Yeah, I think to buy it. That pilot? Huh. Yeah. Because I think Bunna Murray's collapsed, right?

Starting point is 00:24:27 Yeah, I think, yeah, I don't know what happened yet, but because the pilot was what? It was three guys were going back to college. It was kind of based on? Old school. Old school. I think it was called old school. Three guys were going back to college, was that it?

Starting point is 00:24:38 No, no, no, no, no. Me, you, and Brett Ernst were starting a fraternity. Starting a fraternity. For people out of college. Yeah. And man, we did not think that through. No. We just put it in fucking Craigslist, right? Yeah, remember that one guy Finally kissed that hook or whatever and his fucking glasses steamed up member Ernie

Starting point is 00:24:56 Never that guy You're underselling you're underselling what we did have we talked about this Hold on. So it was I I was just gonna set the scene because this was the funniest pilot I've ever been a part of. Okay. Me, you, and Brett Ernst. Yeah. We were the hosts and executive producers.

Starting point is 00:25:15 Oh wow. You don't remember that? I don't think I got that good of a deal, but let's keep going. I think it might've, if I'm not mistaken, I think I might've been the one that was like, because I had like headsets in, and I was talking to producers, and it was all our ideas.

Starting point is 00:25:29 So we were like, alright, we're gonna get these out, put it in Craigslist, we'll get a fucking party bus, put it in Craigslist, if we get anyone that applies, we'll take them. We did no fucking background checks, none. Do you remember that? Yeah, I remember, remember that one guy showed up, he was a, oh yeah, talk.

Starting point is 00:25:43 He had PTSD, and he'd wake up in the middle of the middle night and marine crawl around the fucking house to check the perimeter I do remember that guy the little guy that didn't speak English threw up in the fucking in the garbage can and we couldn't get Him out. Well, I got was a ninja member. He was a full-time ninja. He said we're like where he was a full-time fucking ninja Yeah, and then there was the guy you championed and you were trying to get a lady made out with check his team Get dude dude one dude cheated on his wife and he was like I think I just ruined my life and we're like and so hold on like oh and this is the best is we wanted that throw a party for them but we didn't know how to get chicks so we just hired prostitutes yes real prostitutes dude and that one guy. Everyone was getting laid, but it was because we paid for it.

Starting point is 00:26:25 Everyone was like, this is great. Do you remember our band? Do you remember the band? Uh-uh. Dio. Oh, was it that all-female band? With tape over their nipples and their pussies. Yeah, Harlow, wasn't that their name?

Starting point is 00:26:36 You remember their name? I think that was them. Google them, Harlow. They had Jack Daniels and pillows, and they created a pillow flight feather feathers went everywhere And they'd spit Jack Daniels in our mouths. That's how the pilot opened My name is Burke Chrysler me and my two best friends are starting a fraternity It's gonna get wild and the girls spit vodka in my mouth, and I was like I'm married with two kids

Starting point is 00:26:57 Dude that was that is that no, it's not enough. That was them Harlow was a girl band. I thought. Oh, that's them. That's them. Yeah, dude, they were cute. They were fucking killer. They were hot, too, dude. I remember the executive producer came out to the pool. All the prostitutes are naked.

Starting point is 00:27:16 They're all in the pool. I'm in the pool in pajamas. And everyone's, and the producer, one of the executive producers goes, I can't use any of this I remember the sound guy was like hey you want to hear something I was like what's that and he grabs the headsets and he takes them off he goes put them on I go What is that and he goes someone's getting their dick sucked in the bathroom? Yeah

Starting point is 00:27:37 Yeah, dude, I hope it was me dude. I'm trying to remember what happened were you using drugs at the time I don't know. I hope I was it sounds like it was a fucking blast happen. Were you using drugs at the time? I don't know. I hope I was. It sounds like it was a fucking blast. I mean, I don't know if I needed drugs at the time. That sounds amazing. The guy broke the champagne bottle over the goat's head. Yeah. I mean, we fucking beat up those lesbians. It was the fucking wildest show ever. One of them fucking asked for it. The big one asked for it. Yes. The little one. Sure. A victim. I'll say that. That was the greatest pilot I've ever been a part of. God about that. That's when that's when I mean, like, we showed up at some place, we stole that fucking goat, put him on that bus and

Starting point is 00:28:17 he started shitting in the back of the bus and the only person that would go back there and care for him. It was some like, um like he was like a third generation veterinarian or something that one really white kid yeah and people kept giving it beers and we stole the wrong goat we did yeah we had we had an address that we were gonna pull over and we had already arranged to take their goat and give it back to them like production wise so we pulled over to piss and the fucking Irish kid do Do you remember the Irish kid is named Killian? Oh, yeah Oh, I think he was a comic Killian no Killian is just a name of a beer. I thought that was his name. Oh

Starting point is 00:28:54 Shamus Shamus Shamus It wasn't him it was a fella named Shamus I think he probably passed I don't if you passed a couple of them a lot of those guys are dead She's a feral a lot of those guys are dead. Seamus O'Farrell, is that him? A lot of guys that were in that pilot died. Because I was in a Facebook group with them. And the big guy, or the big guy, he passed. He had two kids.

Starting point is 00:29:13 Oh, did he? Yeah, he was a fucking. He had two lunches too, I remember that. He fucking, he did not make it that long. I was like, dude, you can't have two lunches. Because he would have lunch and then wait a little while and pretend like you hadn't had lunch, I remember. He's like wait, are they serving?

Starting point is 00:29:29 Yeah. We're like, yeah. What are they serving? Like you just ate it. Yeah, dude. It was just that reverse, he would use reverse psychology with his own stomach or whatever. Come in, that was the funnest.

Starting point is 00:29:39 Like I always say like. You forgot about that. That was, like it's like, you know when you, you know when you discover someone like when like I'm thinking of the best example is like Cam Patterson right like I'm my my wife's friends Their kids are in high school They came to one of my shows and they're like have you seen Cam Patterson at a time? I hadn't and then I was like no and then I watched some of his clips and I discovered him

Starting point is 00:30:05 and I was like oh he's funny. That moment, we all have it for comics. And I've heard for a very long time watch people discover you when they go, dude do you know Theo Von? But I had to discover you too. I got to find that you were funny too. And I always say it was that fucking pilot

Starting point is 00:30:21 where I just kept watching you just like, everything you were saying was so fucking funny funny that and oh no that and fucking reality buys back I've always said that like that finale Theo you were the single funniest human being I'd ever been around in my life Really? Oh my god, you were dropping dimes when we were all sitting in the bleachers. I was crying laughing. I've never laughed harder in my fucking life. I was like, this guy, everything you said was fucking hysterical. And you're in a room full of killers. Killers in there.

Starting point is 00:30:56 Oh, killers. It was so much fun. Look at Schumer looking vibey right there. Do you remember when Don-El, we were in the car and Don-El said to Moe Mandel? Because Moe was like, I love Moe, I love Moe, I'm not shitting on Moe, but Moe was younger than everyone so he was like trying, he was trying the whole time. It's that energy you do when you're young too,

Starting point is 00:31:14 you get put in a place, you try. And he goes, Don-El's in front of the van, he goes, Moe, has anyone ever told you you're funny? And Moe goes, of course, And he goes, name one person. And Mo goes, my mom. And we fell out of the fucking van. Donnell goes, your mom doesn't count, Mo. Your mom doesn't fucking count.

Starting point is 00:31:36 Oh God. Dude, oh, there's my boy right there. He just had his second child, I think. He's selling TV shows. He's doing great. Mo's a creative dude, man. He's a very creative dude. I think he's selling TV shows. He's doing great. I was a creative dude He's a very creative dude. Look at Schumer. Holy shit Listen to our voices down payment on a better apartment or an apartment in general

Starting point is 00:32:06 Do we most like 80 year old black man in their picture? Wow look at you bird of my career Oh Shit That's when we threw those Mexican cabbage patch kids they died the Mexican because they weren't they the Mexican was a bit discontinued or whatever Yeah, or can be how do you say cabbage in Spanish? Come on, come on Come on ninos

Starting point is 00:32:39 So we had these fucking Cabos Ninos, right and we're just like you have to throw 50 of them over this fence Like it was gonna be hard for adult men to do that bro. We were humming those bitches over there and remember China showed up she was the wrestling woman and she was all geeked up on pills or something and she she was supposed to as they went over the fence somebody was to shoot them down with like a uh some sort of a paintball gun or something. I was like, what are we doing? Do you like winning real money? If you're a basketball, baseball or sports fan, then check out the Pick Six app from DraftKings.

Starting point is 00:33:18 When it comes to basketball payouts, DraftKings Pick Six dunks on all the other apps. I've used them all and have found that I have had the best luck winning with pick six so this is my new go-to app. It's super simple to get started. You select two or more players and choose if they'll have more or less of a certain stat, like points, rebounds, three-pointers, and more. For instance, you can pick Luka Donchik to have more than 24 points and Chris Paul to have less than 7.5 assists. Track your picks for a shot at huge cash prizes.

Starting point is 00:34:00 That's all there is to it. Pick six is available in most states, including California, Texas, Georgia, Missouri, and others. Don't settle for a smaller payout. Switch to Pick Six and cash in on your basketball knowledge. New players get $50 in Pick Six credits instantly on just a $5 entry. The fun of the basketball season continues with the most fun way to play fantasy sports. Pick six from DraftKings. Download the DraftKings Pick Six app now and use code THEO. That's code THEO for new customers to play five dollars

Starting point is 00:34:37 and get fifty dollars in Pick Six credits. Better payouts, bigger wins only with Pick Six from DraftKings. The crown is yours. by jurisdiction. PIC6 not available everywhere, including New York and Ontario. Void were prohibited. One per new customer. Bonus awarded as non-withdrawable PIC6 credits that expire in 14 days. Limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash promos. All right, folks, if you're like me, you've probably had a little itch for Bitcoin recently. Are you even wanting to dip your toes into that crypto pond. Well, if that's the case, then listen up. I want to introduce you to MoonPay, the smoothest, easiest way to buy or sell crypto.

Starting point is 00:35:32 No need to learn some secret handshake or barter with a medieval wizard. Just use what you've already got. Credit card, debit, PayPal, hell, even Venmo. That's right, if you've been thinking about stacking some digital coins, MoonPay has got your back. I've had a rocky relationship with crypto, you know that. I've been in, I've been out. I'm that hokey pokey Bitcoin bad boy, I am. I sold it all a few times, I thought

Starting point is 00:36:01 it was over for good, but like a boomerang I'm back. Thanks to MoonPay. Using MoonPay's app is simpler than a one string guitar and it's available on iPhone and Android so you can always have MoonPay in your pocket. And if you're wondering is MoonPay safe? Well, their security is tighter than a pair of church pants on a center. And their support team? than a pair of church pants on a center. And their support team? Whew! They're an all-gender brazier, baby. They will hold it down.

Starting point is 00:36:31 So if you're looking to jump into crypto, there's no better place than MoonPay. Head over to MoonPay.com slash T-H-E-O or you can access them in any of your favorite crypto wallets such as Exodus, Phantom, Metamask, or Trust Wallet. This isn't financial advice. Trading crypto carries risks and you could lose your investment. MoonPay is here to facilitate, not advise. Dude, my favorite one. I wish they had video of this. I wish I could find this video is, we did So You Think You Could Dive.

Starting point is 00:37:08 Yeah, oh yeah. And you said, everyone practiced diving all week and you're like, I'm good, I already know what I'm doing. And you got up to the, if I'm not mistaken, it was like the 10 meter or like the five meter, it was high as shit. I went up there. In a wheelchair. I would like to present my ode to Amelia Earhart.

Starting point is 00:37:26 And you sang to Amelia Earhart. And you got, and you just had them push you off in a wheelchair. And you had not planned that once the front wheels went off that you were going face first. And you fucking landed on your stomach so hard, came up, ehhhh. That was the fucking, please tell me you have it. I have it. You have it? Oh, shut the came up. That was the fucking please tell me you have it. I

Starting point is 00:37:46 have it. Oh shut the fuck up. Really? Oh my god. Look how young we were. Bert look at you. Look at this. This is what all I did was hit on I hit on Greg. Greg Lou Gayness the whole time. And then he got pissed because he found out I was married. Really? Yeah you remember that's why he voted me off. He was like, you don't tease a man. I do remember driving away, this was in Long Beach, I remember driving home that day, I'm like, I can't believe. I drove you home.

Starting point is 00:38:12 I'm gonna smash that dude. No, I drove you home. Do you remember? Oh, that's right. Dude, I picked up everyone in the car, and Schumer goes, I hope none of us get voted off. It's gonna be an awkward ride home. And I got voted off, and I drove home,

Starting point is 00:38:24 and I was like, it was quiet. I quiet I was like so do you guys doing tomorrow do you think ah and we're all going back to work Oh my god What octave is that if I'm not mistaken it was that kid Cameron pushing you off that's a camera watch Cameron, watch. Oh! Oh! Oh, good. It was gravity. Tell us a little bit about the genesis of the idea Look how jacked you are, dude. God, I was handsome. Well, Frank, there's a lot of ladies out there that are missing, and I just wanted to kind of

Starting point is 00:39:16 put a tribute out to them. Okay. We gotta find them bitches. You had the ladies, and I think you just lost them. Hang on, do you have that whole episode? Yeah, I have the whole series. Okay, do me a favor. Go to me getting kicked off.

Starting point is 00:39:29 Do you remember this? With Greg Louganis? Do you remember? I did a nude dance for him. Do you have that? And Greg Louganis is a famous homosexual swimmer. If I'm not mistaken, he's HIV positive. Is he?

Starting point is 00:39:41 I think he was like the poster boy for HIV positiveness. Oh wow. He's HIV positivity Just hit on him okay, but is so why you say that it's time for you to pack your trunks Thanks, no pause for a second this for you to pack your trunks. Thanks so much. Now hit pause for a second. This was the biggest regret of my life. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:40:11 Like sometimes you ever do a podcast and you're like, hey, can you guys take that out? I shouldn't have said the C-H word. Oh yeah, I know what you're talking about. Bobby. And so like, now I did this and no one laughed. Yeah. No one laughed, everyone saw it

Starting point is 00:40:23 and it was wildly rolling the dice on it. And I was like, I'm not certain. And I went home and I got in bed with my wife that night, and I didn't know how it was gonna be edited, and I go, I might have just ruined my career. I might have destroyed my career, I might have made it, because I was telling everyone I was on this fucking show at my daughter's preschool.

Starting point is 00:40:39 I was like, they're gonna watch this? That's insane to do that. Everyone was famous, and I was trying to keep up with the Joneses. Oh yeah, I'm on a new show. I'm everyone was famous. I was trying to like keep up with Jones Yeah, I'm on a new show. I'm like I'm on a TV show whatever hit play. Have you seen this? Oh my god biggest regret Wow bird We fully naked yeah

Starting point is 00:41:03 Fully naked Michael I'll never forget this fully naked And as Michael prefer man or he prefers women he's married Michael I think was being like honest like this is a bad idea Oh my. Look at it. It's not going away. If I look at it, I will turn to stone. No, you won't. Maybe part of you will, but not all. Alright. Oh my God. That was incredible.

Starting point is 00:41:40 Dude, I thought I ruined. I thought I ruined. Ruined my career. Ruined it. And what kind of pecker you got on you there? You can't really, they got it blurred out or whatever. Just so we can. Not big at all.

Starting point is 00:41:51 Okay. I'm gonna show you two right now and it's probably the exact same size. Do you remember we took a bath with Lunel? Dude, yeah. Oh yeah. Me, you, Red Grant. Me, you, Red Grant took a bath with Lunel. He ran for mayor of Baltimore.

Starting point is 00:42:03 Do you know that? Oh. Yeah. we'll tell this story Yeah, do you remember lunel had two bathing suits on did she really and she took one off? She goes boys wear your bathing suits And then we took ours off and then she got out of the bath and we're all naked and she took our bathing suits God I don't remember that. I remember I think Kyle's mom gave me or somebody gave somebody I don't remember what happened. Somebody, one of us came or something.

Starting point is 00:42:29 Kyle's mom. I remember that. Kyle's mom was a hired stripper. Yeah. Just to be clear, Kyle's real mom's dead. Okay, Kyle's real mom passed away? Yeah, that's why they got brought in the stripper. Oh damn, well.

Starting point is 00:42:46 I remember meeting your mom. I was like oh his mom It looks like she could make dream catchers in northern in New Mexico My mom looks like she fucking tells on black people that walk out of the store with all this shit from right aid Dude that show is so wild and it was like bro bro, they paid us. It was pretty, it was fun. You got to be around other comedians. Tiffany Haddish was on there, Donnell Rawlings. Remember Javier, George, that one comedian left. He left the first day, remember, George.

Starting point is 00:43:17 Jeff Garcia. Jeff Garcia left. Don't play that, I do not need to see that. No, hang on, I actually, that makes, I have nightmares about that. You know where you've done something and you're like, oh, why did I do not need to see that no hang on I actually that makes I have nightmares about that You know where you know you've done something and you're like ah why did I do that? Yeah, that fucking moment. Oh that fucking makes my skin crawl And this is when you made a promise to your mom in the dark or whatever they said they said you're gonna bring you in

Starting point is 00:43:36 you know seduce somebody and and The more you turn them on the better you win and they brought it in and it was our mom's And I in the dark in the dark and I told her what I do to her giving her oral sex I think about that Cuz I was honest. I was fucking honest Theo. That's illegal to do that to your mother. I think so Theo did the Native American warbler. I did? Let's make this plan a head.

Starting point is 00:44:10 Whoa, whoa! Whoa! I was scared, let me say. I saw that too. The first thing you have to know is the Native American warbler. Serious panty dropper. Let's make this plan a head. You're a freaking warbler. Serious panty dropper. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

Starting point is 00:44:32 oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Like it got in my head and I would get panicked and I said needed the money and you were just fucking chill and I was probably on steroids dude. You might have been you look pretty jacked in this I might have been on performance enhancing drugs you ever take steroids. Yeah, dude, you know, yeah They just had a new did you see that a new steroid Olympics was coming up? I just that show was before its time

Starting point is 00:45:02 They should put the show back on the air if they didn't I don't understand they net After that they fucked up man. I could not agree more By the way what here's where they fucked up. This is where they fucked up. They should we should buy that me you Donna people with little money We should buy that and then get all the raw and edit it the way we want to edit it because that is we could do One season we could do five seasons out of just outtakes I mean the shit we weren't allowed to say do you remember with me you and read we're in a pool with Amy Schumer and She goes what are we gonna do now? And I was like why we play leaky submarines

Starting point is 00:45:36 She goes what's that and I go well you're the leaky submarine and we got to plug up all your holes And everyone's like can't use that and I was like why it's fucking funny like dude the outtakes we did just there I'm telling you that finale You had it was me Chris Fairbanks I think Schumer Red Grant and Donnell were in a cluster and we were crying Laughing at you for one hour straight. You were just they would say something and you just one hour straight, you were just, they would say something and you just, honest Theo, like the person you are today

Starting point is 00:46:07 was there that day and you were stream of consciousness and we were, I've never laughed harder. Damn, that was so much fun. Look at me and Amy right there. And she had a boyfriend, I think she was in love with some guy. Yeah, I always thought you guys had sex. You know, I always thought we did.

Starting point is 00:46:27 Yeah. I always thought you guys had sex. Yeah. I always thought you guys had sex. But, dude, speaking of, what else were you talking about a second ago? I don't know. The steroid games?

Starting point is 00:46:40 Oh yeah, did you see that Donald Trump Jr., or some group is starting steroid with the enhanced games Donald jr President Donald Trump's eldest son Donald Trump jr. Is the latest to invest in the enhanced games which critics call the steroid Olympics I'd invest I mean listen the steroids are extremely popular in bodybuilding and bodybuilding is pretty ever seen natural bodybuilding The answer is no. That's a good point. Yeah. You're like, okay, it's pretty fucking boring.

Starting point is 00:47:11 You look at real bodybuilding and you're like, yeah, get, that's what I wanna fucking look at. Get on that fucking gas, you know, I remember doing that fucking shit, boy. What did you take? Oh, I took, Deca? I took Deca, I took Decker. Yeah Decker win straw what I think I don't know if I ever got some win straw I got whatever we could get a hold of look at 200 really. Yeah test 200 test 400

Starting point is 00:47:36 Tests there was some I think We somebody we would go on spring break. We'd go get it, but some people always Sneak it back in like shampoo bottles. They would buy a bunch there was about pouring a shampoo bottles so it had like this fucking kind of like like soapy soapy after like you'd be doing curls, but then you'd like belch a soap bubble or whatever like it was It was really like every time you like like if you lift it up your own It was really like every time you like like if you lifted up your own

Starting point is 00:48:11 It was when you'd sweat it would just be soapy it was smell like lavender or whatever like it was a real Hybrid at the time a hybrid type of chemical were using and that was one thing that was tough about it but it was fun using storage because And I shouldn't say I mean it was definitely also had side effects I want to know don't don't buy everyone makes their own fucking choices in life Look, I'm on testosterone out the fucking gills right now. Are you are you shitting me? Dude? I fucking love it I jerk off every morning. I jerk off every if I don't have sex with my wife I'm my dick's hard and I'm turned on Every fucking morning when I wake up thinking about my wife, but I'm sure she's not there like today

Starting point is 00:48:44 I jerked off She was at the gym working out, and I was like, or at her trainer or whatever, and I was like, how many jerk off? Dude, it's awesome. I feel alive, I'm stronger than I've ever been in my entire life, I'm healthier than I've ever been, I do my liver numbers, that's all, every damage I've ever done to my liver is all repaired

Starting point is 00:49:01 because testosterone's repaired into liver cells. Yes, it's fucking awesome. Well are you, I mean are you still fat or whatever then? Yeah, yeah, obese, morbid. Oh, okay. I'm morbidly obese. Okay, I just wanna make sure you're still, you know, sticking with this stuff.

Starting point is 00:49:17 No, I only work out, I only work out so I can party. That's it, the only reason I work out is so tonight, if I want to, my wife says, yo, let's open a bottle of Rose. I go, fuck yeah, because I know I was in the gym this morning, hearty shit. I'm going to be in the gym tomorrow, hearty shit.

Starting point is 00:49:30 You look great. I feel phenomenal. I mean, I really feel phenomenal. And I will tell you that I felt good when I wasn't on testosterone, but testosterone has just given me like a zest for life. I think, I mean, the down downfalls is like my face is redder sometimes, so like I have to get hair and makeup.

Starting point is 00:49:50 Like my face can get pretty red, but I think that's the- From the testosterone? I think so, that's what someone told me. Well don't you lose hair though, that'd be my concern. No, I mean I don't know, I was gonna get hair transplants. Leanne doesn't want me to. Really, I've gotten it before. What?

Starting point is 00:50:02 Yeah, a couple years ago I got- In the back? I had so much stress In the back? That my hair got like thin. Your hair looks fucking awesome. Yeah, it's good now, it's clean. Did you go to Turkey?

Starting point is 00:50:12 No, no, I went to, I don't even remember where I did it. I did it right off of La Cienega, 50 La Cienega. Really? Yeah. A good doctor though. Yeah, pretty decent. They take it out of the back and they just put it in the front.

Starting point is 00:50:24 It's like just reforestation or whatever, you know whenever they like take the plants. That's not me, pretty decent. They take it out of the back and they just put it in the front. It's like just reforestation or whatever, you know, whenever they like take the plants. That's not me, Jesus Christ. You've always had the thickest goddamn hair. Look at this picture. That does kind of look like you a little bit. Oh, no, that's me, but that's not my head is the crazy part. Oh wait, that is you. Yeah, but it's not my head. I never looked like this. I thought it was they shaved it or something. It's my bad.

Starting point is 00:50:48 What? That's so funny, dude. That's crazy. Dude, with AI now, it's like anything is possible. What the fuck, dude? That looks wild. Well, this is not a before and after. That's a thing. Oh, Internet, make that a before and after.'s a thing That's a internet make that a before and after just fields buns hairs transplants Because because by the way, if it's not real, it doesn't bother you and it's fucking hysterical

Starting point is 00:51:12 I think if you type in Bert Kreischer fat All the pictures have been doctored and they don't bother me because they're not real right real ones bothered. Oh, yeah the real ones Well, this is that was that was that really you this is really me This is after I got my hair transplant the they put all this they inject all this stuff in your head But it starts to come down your face. It's like pain reducers or whatever So at some point you look like you look like the guy from Ghostbusters through to Holy shit Dude, I look like I fucking did a whole lot of cocaine

Starting point is 00:51:47 Could you do could you do? pills those pain pills oh I don't know if you could take I view profile. I think there was something you couldn't take could you take like a Painted yeah, yeah They give you two pain pills right when you go in there And then they lay you down and you can watch different television shows my place It was a lot of Indian entertainment that they had in there. So it was like the shows were

Starting point is 00:52:09 Bollywood. But I don't know. I want to do that. Yeah, there's one type in Bollywood motorcycle, motorcycle dance. There's I was so for a promo, I wanted to recreate this. And I was going to fly to Bollywood. All right. And do my promo in Bollywood.

Starting point is 00:52:28 Dude, money goes pretty far in Bollywood. So I could pay like 10 grand and get a full fucking production Bollywood motorcycle dance. That's it, I bet that's it, Bollywood music video. Guy comes off a motorcycle. These are awesome, dude. And I was like, I'll learn the dance, I'll get all the people.

Starting point is 00:52:44 And you gotta find the never mind fucking Internet look at this this probably cost $40. Just look at these dances. They're so beautiful. It's a whole movie Yes, I don't know why we don't have more of that I guess they tried it in Joker, and it didn't work well they lynch they have a lot more joy of like I Love this I Bet I could do this dance pretty easy well they all this is a lot of people these people end up working at Disney World I think they have a buddy Bolly Disney Bollywood Disney yeah they have a Disney land in

Starting point is 00:53:17 India they have to huh no I mean I went out to dinner with a couple and there's good and they go did you um Leanne I just went to Paris and they're like, oh, did you go to Disney Paris? And I was like, no. And they're like, why not? And I was like, fucking grown up. And they're like, oh, we went, it's so awesome. And I went, I don't know if I could be friends with you. It's not even going to the real Paris you mean?

Starting point is 00:53:38 No, no, no, no, no, no, no. They went to Paris and then went to Disney in Paris. As opposed to just being in Paris, they went to Disney in Paris. As opposed to just being in Paris, they went to Disney in Paris. Like why go all the way there? Why just do the same fucking Disney? Go to Orlando, save some fucking money, stay here. Stay here and go to fucking Disney for the day.

Starting point is 00:53:58 They went to fucking Paris and then went to Disney World and saw Mickey Mouse, who by the way, just as Mickey Mouse, it's the way, just as Mickey Mouse, is the same fucking Mickey Mouse. Don't know if he was amazing. Can you imagine? No, I can't imagine, but then sometimes actually I went to China one time or somewhere

Starting point is 00:54:15 and I had to get McDonald's. Okay, that's fine, that's totally fine. That's like, hey man, this is my culture, I wanna see how you represent my culture. Yeah, but going to see Mickey. You go to fucking Australia and go to Outback Steakhouse? Come on, what the fuck are we talking about? God damn it.

Starting point is 00:54:30 Yeah, listen, when I travel, I like to do, I don't wanna get a big crack it on and do a ton of shit. I wanna sleep in, I wanna wake up, I wanna go to the cafe, have a coffee, walk around, have some lunch, maybe some snails, couple beers, keep walking around around and then at a certain hour I go let's start bar hopping around the city

Starting point is 00:54:48 That's the fun way to do it and then a nice big dinner close it out at like 2 in the morning No, you can sleep in the next day wake up go for a jog That's what I'm talking about. You will not find me a fucking Paris Disney damn You heard it right there Disney. You heard it. Don't even come after him Do you uh, I want to talk about that stairway to Olympics a little bit Go back to it. I'm just curious about this. There's gonna be fucking awesome, dude Well, I'm just intrigued I think we're gonna start seeing where I've long wanted to do a game show of like stereotypes verse each other right like there's like family

Starting point is 00:55:17 Feud it's like the Ronson's verse the Hamilton's right, but I want to see like the gays verse the yiddish or whatever you know like i want to see like um dark blacks versus bakers Wait, can i can i soft pitch you more ideas within the same content? Yeah, what if right? You don't know what the other team you're playing against is and in playing the game you got to guess what they are So like they're all their answers are one way. So you're like, where's the best place to vacation? And you hear a bunch of people go, the team you're playing against said Jamaica. Yeah. Or Birmingham. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And so then the whole goal

Starting point is 00:55:59 is to play the game and try to answer your questions as honest as possible, but try to guess who the other people are. Okay. Nevermind. Bad pitch because you could just lie and misdirect people. Keep going. But maybe that's part of there could be a strategy in there that that's how you do it. But I would love to see the stereotype games. I think that that's where we're definitely headed. Like asshole kids like ADHD kids verse Whatever you know We got to take that one out, but ADHD kids versus autistic kids yes I'll be great dude and autistic kids don't need to talk they do mental telepathy. Yeah, they don't talk anymore. They just

Starting point is 00:56:35 Just saw a documentary on that Google it then and and you put the two of them against each other I'll be fucking great great, but I think there's a lot of like kids suffering from smallpox verse fat kids or whatever What about this game show all right? It's um it's You fuck what you get okay, that's the name of the pitch so a guy goes up Okay, like we bring up Theo von and you have a room full of hundred women You guys guys ladies on your by your chair, you'll see a little panel on a scale of one to 10, rate Theo Vaughn. You can present yourself, my name's Theo,

Starting point is 00:57:10 I grew up in Louisiana, I'm a stand-up comedian, I have a podcast, I'm on tour, I'm interested in moving to the United States. Born in March? Born in March, yeah, give him your sign. My birthday comes out the day after your special does? I like to, for real. March 19th? For real?

Starting point is 00:57:21 You said March 18th it is? Yeah, yeah. March 18th. And then you ladies, him on what you think. So they go, Theo Von is an eight. And you go, cool. Now, Theo has already pre-rated every single one of you. So look back at your panel and see what number you are. And they look and they're like, shit, I'm a six.

Starting point is 00:57:40 He goes, everyone below an eight, get the fuck out. So it just thins out the herd. And you're like, alright You are what Theo is willing to fuck now Theo This is the group of eights that think they're your equal you can either fuck one of the eights or you can go for a ten and If you if you pick the ten, you've got to go to Paris Disney. That's your vacation You're gonna go to Paris Disney

Starting point is 00:58:03 But if you pick the eight we're're going to send you to Bali. And you're going to be on the beach all week. You can fuck a 10, the fucking hottest, out of your league. You can't get her. By number standards, you can't get her. And then you take the two of them on the date and you pick who they are. What do you think?

Starting point is 00:58:16 What do you think? I just like the idea of raiding people. I'd go with an eight to Bali. I'd go with an eight to Bali too. I'd go with a six to Bali. Did you really? I would. I'd go with my wife, but I don't know,

Starting point is 00:58:25 she's more like a six and a half. Is she? I think so, I think she's getting prettier the older she gets. You know what? I thought that the other day. I didn't think like that, I just thought, oh, Leanne looks so pretty, that's my thought.

Starting point is 00:58:34 You know what, can I do a secret time? Yeah. One of my favorite things in the world. I don't know if you did it on purpose or I don't know how it came out, but I've said it a number of times. She did her live podcast out of Zanies and you came by to say hi and support her. Oh, yeah, and she called me Balling crying she goes, you know She goes that I'm was so nervous and I was so, you know

Starting point is 00:58:56 I feel like I'm in a different space and I'm doing my podcast and it you know And and she goes baby I was I just I had to leave in the middle and go to do a show in Cincinnati or something. She called crying, she goes, Theo came. And I went, what? She goes, Theo came. She goes, that's why I love the people you've surrounded yourself, because they're real people.

Starting point is 00:59:16 She goes, Theo Varn came out to show me love and give me support. And I was, I got emotional telling it. So I was like, that's what you want. You want to surround yourself with people that care about you, and it's just not about a business. And I, but thank you for doing that,

Starting point is 00:59:29 that was the sweetest thing you could've ever done. Yeah, I forgot that I did that, but I did do that. Yeah, of course you did, that's who you are. Sometimes you forget things you do. That's it, that's it, you found it. God, you're good. Can I hire your team? Sure, it only took them 11 minutes.

Starting point is 00:59:44 Look at this, look at this video. You're good. Can I hire your team? Sure. It only took him 11 minutes. Look at this. Look at this. Yeah. The promo video for my new tour coming. Right. Do this in Bollywood. Watch this guy. Watch this guy. He's good. Oh, my God. Turkish hairlines. Look at this. Look at this. So good

Starting point is 01:00:15 God I would have been the best Indian you would have your hair that wind blowing in your hair And I think just my attitude I would have had a good time over there you think so yeah, do you would have never left? Your cast system. Are you gonna AI Theo's face in it? Do me do me do me do me do me yeah, please hey wait think about this looks like AI you would have never left your nose to India. I would have found a way out No, you can't that's India. I would have found a way. No. That's our movie dude, Cast Travelers or something or cast. Time casters. Time casters. You know I like to save money. I do. I like to make money and I like to keep it and put it

Starting point is 01:00:59 somewhere safe. I don't like taking a ton of risks. I don't like a lot of uncertainty. And that's why I do like Acorns. I've really come to admire this company. Today's episode is sponsored by Acorns. Acorns is a financial wellness app that makes it easy to start saving and investing for your future. You don't need to be an expert. Acorns will recommend a diversified portfolio

Starting point is 01:01:27 that matches you and your money goals. You don't need to be rich. Acorns lets you get started with the spare money you've got right now, even if all you've got is spare change. I'll tell you point blank that I've opened up Acorns accounts for my nieces and nephews and I just admire the way that they do it. I admire their outlook on finances.

Starting point is 01:01:51 You can sign up now and join the over 13 million all-time customers who have already saved and invested over 24 billion dollars with Acorns. Plus, Acorns will boost your new account with a $20 bonus investment. Offer available at acorns.com slash t-h-e-o. That's a-c-o-r-n-s dot com slash theo to get your $20 bonus investment today. Hey, non-client endorsement compensation provides incentives to positively promote Acorns. Tier 4 compensation provided. Investing involves risks, Acorn advisors, LLC, and SEC registered investment advisor advisor view important disclosures at Acorns.com T-he-o before we use Shopify. It was bonkers It was bonkers. We had that old register system where you were filling it all out and

Starting point is 01:02:36 giving it to your niece to run to the mailbox and she didn't know how to use stamps and Ah, it was a nightmare But now we've got Shopify that helps our merch store run smoothly. You can upgrade your business and get the same checkout we use with Shopify. That's the truth because nobody does selling better than Shopify, home of the number one checkout on the planet. Business businesses that sell more sell on Shopify. Upgrade your business and get the same checkout that ALO uses.

Starting point is 01:03:14 You've heard of them, or all birds, you've heard of them. They use Shopify. Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at Shopify.com slash T-H o all lowercase go to Shopify.com slash t h e o to upgrade your selling today Shopify.com slash Theo. What does the future hold for your business? Well if you ask nine experts you'll get ten answers. Bull market, bear market, raccoon market. Rates will rise or fall. Inflations up,

Starting point is 01:03:52 inflations down. Can someone please invent a crystal ball? Until then over 41,000 businesses have future-proofed their business with NetSuite by Oracle, the number one cloud ERP, bringing accounting, financial management, inventory, HR into one fluid platform. I admire this type of software. It helps you keep things together, makes things easier, and lets you spend more time focusing on what's truly important to you.

Starting point is 01:04:27 If I had needed this product, it's what I'd use. And maybe someday we will. Whether your company is earning millions or even hundreds of millions, NetSuite helps you respond to immediate challenges and seize your biggest opportunities. Speaking of opportunity, download the CFO's guide to AI and machine learning at netsuite.com slash t-h-e-o. The guide is free to you at netsuite.com slash Theo. That's right, netsuite.com slash Theo. Are you gonna do more movies?

Starting point is 01:05:03 Did you like it? We're making our movie right now. You just made it. We've got still five days left. Oh for real? I didn't know that. I don't know, we'll see. I am happy that we did it.

Starting point is 01:05:13 Can I ask you an honest question? Yeah, 100%. This is why I don't do, I shouldn't say this out loud, but this is why I only do my projects. So I noticed that I have, for lack of a better word, bad interior thoughts when I'm not in control. And I'm not good at it. So I did something for someone one time,

Starting point is 01:05:34 and the whole time in my head, I was like, I'm wasting my fucking life. I'm wasting my life, I'm in fucking makeup, and no one's treating me with respect, and I'm fucking, and I was like, I'm just sitting in a goddamn trailer, waiting for some 18- to come and tell me it's time and I can't walk around I was like I'm wasting my fucking life and a friend of mine said just give me your heads up Notice this in yourself and do and get don't allow yourself in that situation. She'll get a bad rap

Starting point is 01:05:57 It's what they're saying happen with that chick and that dude is that they didn't they just lively or whatever? Yeah. Yeah Yeah, whatever, but I'm team Blake Lively, I like her, I think. Yeah, I don't even know what happened. It just seemed like rich people being fucking rich or whatever. But did you, in doing it, did you, because I know how internal you are, and I know how kind of pensive you are,

Starting point is 01:06:17 did you, were there parts of it where you're like, okay, if I do this again, I'm not doing that? Oh, for sure. I think there's some of that I'm still learning. Yeah, like there's just like certain like Ways to like do the script differently To like certain have less

Starting point is 01:06:36 Scripts we'd have more time to shoot certain scenes like that's one thing. It's like we just kind of run out of time You know, so it's like we can't you know I think it's like we just kind of run out of time, you know? So it's like we can't, you know, so you can only get so much coverages or whatever. What else? I don't know if I would ever do the acting again. I would like to do the producing or writing, but I do, yeah, I only like to,

Starting point is 01:06:58 I'm just saying I just only want to do things that I am in control of, right? Because for me it's just, I don't want somebody else to have control of, right? Because for me, it's just I don't want somebody else to have control of how I look or seem. I don't want somebody else to have a say. I don't want anybody to have any ownership over my voice. That's it for me.

Starting point is 01:07:16 It's like when I was a kid, I felt like I didn't have, I couldn't speak up for myself or something like that. I don't know what it is, but internally somewhere in there, that's what it is for me. So it's like I don't want to have to say anybody else's lines I just want to do what I want to do and if I live or die on that then that's fine But at least it's just me you know do you ever run into the situation where you get hired for something? They want it they want you to come in and do something

Starting point is 01:07:39 Mm-hmm And then they're like try to like script it for you a little bit. Like my example is like, they'll be like, you're gonna take your shirt off, right? I was like, I don't know, maybe. I mean, I don't know, it's fucking 10 degrees out here. And they're like, okay, it's coming off though, right? It's like maybe you just come out and rip your shirt off and be like, kill a beer, and I'm like, I also talk.

Starting point is 01:07:57 But it's like, sometimes you get, especially if you get a little big, you get kind of typecast as a producer, they go like, so you'll just, like they did it today and were like, he's just come in like a hurricane, like with his hands going up like this, and he'd be like, ah! But there was no, do you find that happening to you ever?

Starting point is 01:08:13 No, I don't do anything, I only do our own stuff. Like I don't ever do anything that I don't, I don't ever do anything else except for like our own things so Me and spade wrote that movie. I knew that he's a great actor one of the funniest guys I know so he would be able to carry it. I'm like the second guy who like is kind of we're just it's like a dumb buddy movie and So I never put myself in a position where somebody have to be like you have to do something like this You know because goes back to your reason I learned I don't do well in that situation like you know, I tried to do a

Starting point is 01:08:48 Chris Pratt had asked me to be in a movie years ago and I had to leave once I got there because Once I thought they didn't give you the script till you got there And so once I got the script and stuff, I realized oh this isn't it just doesn't fit for me It doesn't work with who I want to be there. How hard is that to do to leave? Yeah Oh, it definitely was hard It was a hard like, you know text to send a sentinel in caps So they would know I was serious about her but yeah, it was like in Come out, huh? What movie was yeah tomorrow war That movie a tomorrow war no

Starting point is 01:09:20 And when I watched it back, I ended up realizing I made the best choice for myself it took 12 weeks wait with Tom Cruise Dude, that's damn Chris Pratt brother. That's Chris Pratt. Yeah, it's a new yeah The Tomorrow War what was that about it's about an Amazon people Went in the past I can't even remember it was kind of confusing But it was great. It was fun I'm glad that I got to do it Sorry, I'm glad I didn't get to do it Jesus, but um but I saw Chris like who ended up playing you Just somewhat they just moved the lines over to some other guy

Starting point is 01:09:56 Oh, they didn't like I try to get Josh Wolfen I remember as a substitute, but they just moved the lines over to a different character But when I watched it back the guy had two lines, and it would I would have better be there for 12 weeks It just wasn't a good fit right the first movie. I ever had her friend did Tom did a movie with Mark Wall or dot note Mark Wahlberg yeah, and he was there for like five weeks, and I was like I was like oh cool You're so you're in a lot of scenes. He's like I'm like two scenes. I was together for five fucking weeks He's like yeah as'm in like two scenes. I was like, you're there for five fucking weeks? He's like, yeah, that's part of making a movie. I was like, well, I'm not making a movie.

Starting point is 01:10:27 And then I was like, I'm not gonna fucking sit in a hotel for five weeks. You gotta be kidding me. I like. Yeah, that was the thing. It was a long time and it was in Atlanta. And also I didn't know anybody on the set except for Mary Lynn Rice, who was there.

Starting point is 01:10:41 And I'd met only Chris Pratt just through Instagram messages. So I'd never met him. Yeah So it's an easy Texas and then yeah, it was chill and I actually did call the director too and I called him and uh and Just shared off that and they were they were cool about it, you know But then there was like a thing like in Hollywood like this guy might back out he moves I was like I don't fucking care dude like long as I was cool with Chris and everything was fine It was fine with me, you know

Starting point is 01:11:05 But that's when I realized oh, I can't do something if it's not my own thing And I I'm not gonna be able to say oh We're keeping that or we're not keeping that or I don't want to be seen like that or this sort of thing Then I just can't do that for me. It's just how I work You know when I got back from Serbia someone had written a part in a TV show for me And they text me like you're a part for you, and I was like oh, I'm gonna do it He's like we haven't even read it. I was like I know that but it's not my show Yeah, he was like but hold on hang on I wrote it for you, and I went okay

Starting point is 01:11:34 I don't know what to tell you, but I can tell I can just tell you yeah But if I go on to your show I'm gonna have feelings And I'm probably not gonna be great and I'm gonna be in a fucking different city for my family I just got back from Serbia And I kind of want to go on tour and I kind of not gonna be great, and I'm gonna be in a fucking different city for my family, and I just got back from Serbia, and I kinda wanna go on tour, and I kinda wanna do my podcast, and I kinda wanna, like I don't wanna go onto another set,

Starting point is 01:11:50 and then play a, you know, fat guy that fucking wanna eat snort's coke or whatever, you know? And so he was like, and I was like, and I'm friends with you, and right now it seems we're friends, so let's just keep the friendship, and then we don't have to work together. It's funny, cause it's like, as if I was younger,

Starting point is 01:12:05 I would have been totally opposite. I would have been like, yeah, yeah, you're my friend, write a part for me. And now I'm just like, no, please don't write a part for me. Yeah, I think it's, I'm trying to think a little bit more about it. I mean, this was like, I just remember thinking, because we wrote it and then nobody wanted to direct it,

Starting point is 01:12:21 nobody wanted to help us with it, no agent, no producers would. were you kidding? Can we for anyone listening? That's how tough Hollywood is right now right now They are not making movies. No, I think it is didn't also like they don't want I don't know if they don't want certain people To have voices. It seemed easier for other people to make movies, right? I'll say that but also Yeah, yeah, it seemed easier for other people to make movies But you mean you mean you two cisgendered white bravish males had a hard time selling a movie in Hollywood But that's the funniest fucking thing that there's because there is semi a truth to that But but also we have had opportunities our entire life

Starting point is 01:13:03 But also it's like you talk to any fucking writer any writer in Hollywood Who's like 50 a dude who's white? They cannot get a job like they cannot work and they're and they lose and these are all liberals Yeah, like you gotta realize a Hollywood liberal writer Man, he's fucking storming the capital about those goddamn scripts. That's crazy. It's crazy. I talked to any of them.

Starting point is 01:13:28 They're all like fucking, dude, whatever's happening in Hollywood. I was like, you've had a good run. Yeah, I think, well, I just then it was like, well, we have to do, it was like, I don't like thinking that if you say I can't do it, there's a part of me that wants to just show you that I can do it, right? Like, I don't, I'm not a great actor, right? I know that and that's fine with me. I wouldn't do it there's a part of me that wants to just show you that I can do it right like I don't I'm not a great actor right I know that and that's fine with me I wouldn't say that well I wouldn't say that I'm not real I have some moments that are good in this thing but it's not a movie or awesome not sweet of you yeah it was easier for me to play like a disgruntled person kind

Starting point is 01:13:58 of then I think um like a dumb buddy kind of thing for some reason. I've felt like that. But then also I'm like going back and looking at the things and I'm like thinking of what else needs to be in this scene. My mind's kind of like all over the place. But I do think that it's funny. The script is super funny. I'm curious to see how it was shot,

Starting point is 01:14:19 how that plays out and stuff. And I'm just glad that, I think when I look back on my life, I'll be glad that I got to do a movie with David Spade and, oh yeah. And it's like, yeah, we funded it ourselves. We funded it ourselves, we did it all,

Starting point is 01:14:35 it's like, it was crazy. That's wild to me because you guys are, I mean, David is a legend. David's a legend. David Spade is, like, I always think, He's a legend. When Spade is, like I always think. He's a legend. When you look at like SNL, right? Did you watch 50 years?

Starting point is 01:14:49 Yeah, I was there. You were there? No, I was there for the 50th, I was there Friday and Saturday night. Okay, but when you watch it, it's pretty epic. I will say SNL's 50th is a lot better if you're 50, because you watched a lot of it. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:15:03 If you're 20 years old, you're like, I don't get why these racist sketches. Yeah, like where's Timothy Chalamet? Yeah, where's Timothy Chalamet? How come Pete Davidson is not in more sketches? Where's fucking, you know. Chappell Rhone, yeah. Chappell Rhone.

Starting point is 01:15:16 But when you watch it and you're older, you're like, oh, I remember Eddie Murphy. Eddie Murphy and Will Ferrell and Kenan Thompson were fucking gold Eddie Murphy doing Tracy Morgan, did you see that? I saw the skit with Eddie Murphy and Tracy black jeopardy You mean yeah where Eddie Murphy was playing Tracy Morgan next to Tracy Morgan who's so anybody pick up that that's what it was. Oh Did you see it? Yeah Yeah, I saw this right here. Yeah

Starting point is 01:15:49 Tracy underneath it. Oh Now I get it I didn't know what he was doing. I just thought he was doing Tracy Chapman or whatever. No wasn't Tracy Chapman It was this was my favorite sketch ever. We can't play it because it'll get docked. They will blame it, sorry. But it, dude, it was great. What was I saying? But David Spade is like, when you look at,

Starting point is 01:16:12 so when you look at comedy history, right? Yeah. When they talk about comedy history, now it's kind of interesting, I think, because you look back at the last 50 years, and there's only like a handful of names, but legends that'll, like Belzer, he'll be remembered. Richard Belzer?

Starting point is 01:16:30 Yeah, and Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld, Eddie Murphy, Bill Richard Pryor, Sam Kinnison, Carl LeBauve will be remembered. Like he was one of the outlaws of comedy. And then when you look at our generation, we're so thick with comics, like so thick. There's so many fucking comics right now that a lot of us are gonna get forgotten and lost in conversation David Spade will not be lost in conversation out of all the SNL people he has had one of the most

Starting point is 01:16:57 probably fucking crystal clear pristineistine, hysterical, his movies will fucking forever be talked about. Tommy Boy, Black Sheep, Meet Joe Dirt, he's a legend. And to make a movie with him is like, that's the coolest thing you're ever gonna get to do. Yeah, that's what I felt like. I was like, I have to do it.

Starting point is 01:17:23 And we made it ourselves. It's like we made it. It's like we don't have anybody telling us what to Yeah, that's what I felt like. I was like, I just have to do it. And we made it ourselves. It's like we made it. It's like we don't have anybody telling us what to do. And that's what I realized. I was like, oh, if we say it went in the script and it went in the script and then went on the screen, if I had to go through a beat on a set to go ask somebody for permission to do it that way,

Starting point is 01:17:38 then I wouldn't be able to do it, right? I just, I wouldn't, like you're saying, I just know it would not react well with me viscerally. If someone's like Theo, I don't get it. You'd be like, hold on. Hang on I hit dingers like like I what I do is just tell jokes and I'm just funny So trust me that if I think it's funny, let me just try and a lot of people like I don't know Yeah, I couldn't have especially like when you see a lot of the funny like but also I gotta see how this thing is How it looks when it's done like I have no fucking clue. The script is super funny We put all our own jokes in it

Starting point is 01:18:10 We wrote it for two years like we definitely So but I have no clue how it goes from doing the scenes which are all done out of order to then it being An actual you know how it like that I cannot my brain can't metric or like figure all that out like But we had some funny, but yeah like Nate Diaz has a role. I saw Nate posted about it today Tim Dillon has a place the manager Lee Bobby Lee came in and did a Yep, we got William McCullough William Montgomery Montgomery Casey Rockets some of the Killtoni guys And there's some others some other also like great actors stuff But then we also didn't want to overdo it and have everybody you knew there's Spady right there in uh and

Starting point is 01:18:51 Nate Diaz dude fucking hilarious. I've got the picture. I saw oh yeah, that was cool, dude That was so much fun And I think I'll look back and be like man this thing was cost you a ton of money And it wasn't worth it, but man you had a fucking good time man, this thing cost you a ton of money and it wasn't worth it, but man, you had a fucking good time, I think. When I did The Machine, the very first time, I was like, I'm not gonna drink.

Starting point is 01:19:10 It's Chris Avila right there, that's Nate's buddy. But it's a real movie, like when you're there, you're like, damn, this is a real movie. And I have one thing I got on set was ice bath and sauna. Really? There's a portable company and they have ice bath and sauna and they bring it and they set it up right there. For real?

Starting point is 01:19:31 And that was like the one thing, because I knew I wasn't going to be able to go to a ton of AA meetings, so I was like, I'm going to have to have something to like hijack my system to like help me so I don't, you know. Pew, pew, pew, pew. You know? When was the last time you pew, pew? Shot a place up? Never. But it's like you don't, you know, pew pew pew pew. You know, or. When was the last time you pew pew?

Starting point is 01:19:45 Shot a place up? Never. But it's like you don't wanna get there in front of a bunch of people, you know, especially around your friends. Wait, when was the last time you fell off the wagon? Oh man. What's it like when you, like, the morning after?

Starting point is 01:19:59 Is it like shameful or do you go like, like is it, because that's the only reason I never quit drinking is I don't wanna fucking, I don't wanna relapse. Like honestly my biggest problem when I quit drinking is getting back to drinking is so difficult cause you're doing so well and you're like, I'm feel good, I'm losing weight, I feel fucking happy.

Starting point is 01:20:17 Like, well I don't wanna drink and then you're like, yeah but I wanna cruise in champagne and then the next morning it's just like, the fuck, you let everyone down. Although no one's let down, because I never quit drinking. Right. So like, but like, what's it feel like?

Starting point is 01:20:29 Oh, I see that pressure of letting everybody down. That's my pressure is why I'm terrified to quit drinking. So you're afraid to quit drinking because you don't want to, because then if you relapse and you'll have let everybody down. Yeah. God, that's crazy, dude. I thought you were going to say it was brilliant.

Starting point is 01:20:44 No, it's like the same way, like, you ever see someone that loses weight, right. Sorry. I thought you were gonna say it was brilliant. No, it was like the same way, like you ever see someone that loses weight, right? Yeah. And they're like, I lost like 90 pounds. You're like, cool. And then they gain it back plus some. And you're like, oh, you should have never tried to lose weight. You should have just stayed that fat.

Starting point is 01:20:55 That fat was good for you. Well, you see people losing weight and then suddenly it feels like the person that's been inside them is finally coming out to play or whatever. You start to see that coming to the surface, like a fish coming to the surface, you know? Sometimes.

Starting point is 01:21:07 Sometimes you see that. Sometimes people lose weight and they're like, and you're like, I'm like too fat. Oh yeah, I knew a guy like that, he used to clean the pool over at my friend's house. And one time I was there catching some rays and he shows up and I hadn't seen him in forever and he'd lost 170 pounds or something, this dude comes in

Starting point is 01:21:24 and he's walking around the pool and I'm like, and he kinda looking at me but he didn't say anything because I knew the fat pool guy. Yeah. I knew him well. So you're looking for the fat pool guy. No, I could, yeah, maybe it's his brother, his son, or maybe they got a new guy.

Starting point is 01:21:39 I didn't say anything to the dude. So we're out there running each other for like 45 minutes to say anything and then later that evening I was like, man, you guys got a new pool guy and they're like, no, that's the same guy he lost, 190 pounds, I was like, fuck. Isn't that crazy, you can change? Because when you lose weight,

Starting point is 01:21:54 you kinda change your personality. Oh yeah. Like when you, because there's a narcissism, and by the way, I take whatever, I'm not gonna be gonna be gonna be a grand assault, there's a narcissism about a person who decides weight loss is gonna be their thing. I'm gonna get real skinny, I wanna get ripped.

Starting point is 01:22:08 Like it's okay to get healthy, but like when you go like, and look, if you're 400 pounds, that's not narcissism, that's just getting yourself to the next level. But you can change your personality when you lose weight. What if you could do something, you could change your race? Like what if you like, like dude, if you start eating blueberries, you'll be black. Wouldn't that be cool?

Starting point is 01:22:27 Just to be like, oh you're eating a lot of blueberries? Like I'm gonna be black next month. Like yeah we got a game on Thursday. Like I'm gonna polish off a few before I go into practice. That's what I would do. If blackberries really made you black. Yeah, you're eating a lot of matzah and You know like taxes are due in April Fuck yeah trying to say yeah

Starting point is 01:22:50 With the burritos like I'm yards a fucking mess. I gotta fucking clean that shit up Jesus yes, somebody's got to do it. What's up with the tuna fish sandwiches? Just trying to improve my credit Yeah, that's all just want to get my good damn it. Well, what's up with eating pussy? And you're like, ah, I don't know, it's just for fun. What's up with all those hot dogs? Yeah, like, I don't know, I'm not saying anything. This is... Dude, what about being the first gay dude ever?

Starting point is 01:23:17 It must have been crazy. Imagine, everybody's straight, right? And you wake up or something happens, you get hit by lightning or whatever. And suddenly you're gay and you're like, something happens you get hit by lightning or whatever and Suddenly you're gay and you're like, oh my god Like you're just talking to your buddy who you've who you've talked to every day for years And you're just like thinking like I'm gonna stuff his fucking face with some wiener and you're like what? And and then you like don't like imagine that cuz then you have to take some other guy aside or somebody aside

Starting point is 01:23:43 And be like hey, this is to seem totally crazy to you guys, but I keep thinking about coming on Jacob or whatever, you know, and people are like, what? Yeah, that does sound crazy. Don't tell anyone that. Don't tell anyone that. You're the only one that thinks that. And then imagine the moment where you meet

Starting point is 01:24:01 the other gay guy, you're like, were you like, I remember I had a buddy one time, we were at a beach and he was like, hey man, can I say something crazy to you that I've never really said to anyone, but I wanna run it by you and see if you think it? Oh, I say no when people say that kind of shit. I fucking.

Starting point is 01:24:14 Oh, I said yes. I said yeah, we were drinking, we were smoking weed, I was like, run it by me. He goes, there's a thing that everyone says they don't do that I do. And I was like, please be jerking off, please and I was like, please be jerking off Please be jerking off. Please be jerking off. I go. Okay, and he's like everyone says that if you do it, you're gay But I do it and I'm not gay. I just wanted to like run it by you and see if you do it. I said, okay What's the thing and he goes I?

Starting point is 01:24:43 Jerk off and I had the weight of the world come off my shoulders. I went, I jerk off too. I jerk off too. Oh my God, I thought I was the only one that jerked off. I thought I was gay because I jerked off. Because that's what they tell you at Catholic school. You don't jerk off, don't touch yourself. It means you're gay.

Starting point is 01:24:54 You want to play with dicks. That was what must being gay and meeting another gay for the first time feels like. Where you're like, oh my God, I want to suck dick too. God. But how do you let them know? Do you just be oh my god. I want to suck dick too. Oh God, but how do you let them know? Do you just be like I would love to see that I would love I would love to gaze in the wild or whatever meet each other like a rich or Attenborough movie where they're like, okay We have at that lunch table to game in the Memphis homosexual

Starting point is 01:25:20 Yeah, and then you can watch them kind of feel each other out. Yeah Homosexual yeah, and you can watch them kind of feel each other out. Yeah Perusing the Whole Foods produce section what I think is fascinating is the gay dudes who hook up with the gay football player Who then is like you can't tell him I'm gay. I'm gonna beat your fucking ass and you're like, okay, you know Yeah, like that's like Yeah, like why do I get my ass beat just because you're being gay or whatever? That doesn't make any sense. I wish I could find out. Wouldn't it be cool if like on Instagram, I guess you could, but you could find out

Starting point is 01:25:51 every gay dude you ever knew growing up. And apologize to them or whatever? No, no, I don't need to apologize just to know who they are. Oh yeah, to see who they are? Yeah, dude, I think in the future, you'll be able to know immediately if somebody's gay. My buddy's dad used to get, he'd get like the hiccups if people were gay.

Starting point is 01:26:13 Isn't that crazy? Yeah, like allergic to gay people? No, he would just have like a, he would just like, he'd be like, and he- Like an allergy? Yeah. Like all of a sudden if a gay person got too close to him,

Starting point is 01:26:24 he'd be like, and you're like, uh-oh. You're like, like all the sudden if a gay person got too close to me And you're like, yeah Hope it's not me Someone get him a glass of water quick count to ten while you're doing it ten sips Yes, stand on your head on your head quick quick quick quick either that or you're getting the fuck out of here Stand on your head or somebody's gay, dude It's just so crazy that being gay was always like the funniest thing though to two to people like you know Yeah, it's so it's funny. I think oh, yeah I mean it's like it's so different mean I I'm certain gay guys make fun of straight guys

Starting point is 01:26:53 I'm sure that I'm sure they do about like the way we think and they're like oh, yeah, I want all that pussy Yeah, oh my god. He wants the pussy. Yeah, they want that long pussy, that wiener. I mean, everything, everything, like you ever seen a white people make fun of, a black people make fun of white people's texts? Uh-uh, are you good? It's so good, but like the idea that they can't understand the way we communicate, that black people just can't wrap their head around the way we simply communicate

Starting point is 01:27:22 on a text, and they think it's crazy they're like shut up. There was a text HOSB and they were like what do you think this is a black dude reading it he speaks white and he goes they go and his white girlfriend's like what is HSOB what would that mean? And he goes, oh, I know what it means. It's hold on one damn second, buddy. And everyone's, and they're like, what? They put buddy on the end of it?

Starting point is 01:27:52 And he's like, oh yeah. And they find that funny. So everything, you can find everything funny. Like I still think, like I put my dick and balls in a wine glass one time, and I went up behind Tom and I went. Actual glass, wine glass? Yeah, wine glass.

Starting point is 01:28:10 Oh, that's very dangerous. Yeah, and I went up to him behind his shoulder. Oh yeah. And I went, cocktail? And he turned around. I find that to be the funniest thing you could ever do. Yeah. I love it, I love it, I love.

Starting point is 01:28:20 I used to do this thing where I would pull my nuts up over my wiener, right? That's not where I thought you were going with that. You're kind of laying on your back, nuts up over my wiener, right? That's not where I thought you're going with that you're kind of laying on your back nuts up over your wiener and kind of wrap your wiener so almost looks like a Half like a baby head coming out of your body, right and you'd be like I'm having a baby or whatever, you know Yeah, and um, and then people be like what the fuck are you doing? Kind of run off and hide or whatever We're like, what the fuck are you doing? You know, it's a fucking, kind of run off and hide or whatever. You'll be like, wait, what the fuck are you doing?

Starting point is 01:28:48 We're in a library, what the fuck? Oh dude, there was nothing more crazy than being at the fucking library when you were a kid. It was basically just like, it was like a couple thousand square feet of you hiding from a lady who's like obsessed with Voltaire or whatever. And you and your friends were just in there being loud. There was like one other person in a wheelchair in there. It like never made any fucking sense They're just in there like in the did this like wandering the halls of the old internet or whatever like they wanted to teach us

Starting point is 01:29:15 The Dewey Decimal system so bad when we were kids the library was always ridiculous. I felt like what was I gonna ask you about? Oh, so yeah the Yeah, I wonder if people would watch the Stairway to the Olympics or if it would be too much for people. Mm-mm, why not? Because you're gonna get people that are gonna be risky.

Starting point is 01:29:32 No, but why even have the regular Olympics? Well, regular Olympics are regular. You know, everybody, the playing field is even. Playing field's even when you use drugs. Yeah. Right? I mean, I mean, why, honestly, honestly, if you're like, okay, what are you gonna watch?

Starting point is 01:29:48 I wanna watch a high jump, a guy can high jump seven feet. And you're like, that's cool. And they're like, there's a dude who can do 10 feet. You're like, what do you mean? Over a basketball hoop? Like, you have 10 feet. It's like fucking crazy. And they light it on fire.

Starting point is 01:30:00 And you're like, oh, put that one on. It's like, I mean, it's just like like supply and demand What do you want to watch? You know a guy sprint? Like sprinting is pretty cool, right? The sprinters are pretty cool. Noah Lyle Tyree kill I want to watch that head-to-head but what if they bring in a guy that's like, oh he fucking Smokes those guys and you get to see a real blur of a human just like a cheetah Whoa, I mean physical capabilities when you see people And you get to see a real blur of a human, just like a cheetah. And you're like, whoa! I mean, physical capabilities. When you see people, it's like the natural bodybuilding

Starting point is 01:30:30 versus steroids. Why would you ever put the two together? I want to see the big ones. But I just worry about their ramification. Like, if somebody's, but I guess if they want to do it, but you're going to blow your body out. How great was baseball when Mark McGuire and Sammy Sosa were? How great was baseball?

Starting point is 01:30:44 To your point. It was so fucking great. and then they ruined it by taking steroids away, and these guys weren't I mean look I don't know what they were doing. I don't know steroids Yeah, but I think it was all for recovery and these wasn't wasn't like they were like I don't think they were doing deck. I think they were doing TRT if I'm not mistaken I don't remember. I don't really know, but they were pretty jacked. They want something their heads were growing. That's the thing It's like if you got heads growing your head is I have a size 8 head and now my head 8 Size 8 hats because of the TRT. I guess I don't know well. That's the thing dude It's like if you start getting on the drugs then like you're gonna have a lot of forehead monsters out there

Starting point is 01:31:17 Just wandering around you know just fucking I Just wonder what type of intensity is jumping into the stands and fucking punching their wife or something Yes, like you're gonna have shit like just it's just gonna get pretty intense Let me throw the javelin out on the fucking parking lot or whatever date You know and hit that guy that works in the booth sure is HGH Human growth hormone is a crazy one That's great you show up in their hands are bigger and shit and they're fucking they can catch a fish They can just easily catch a fish and shit. They don't even yeah before and after pictures of Barry Bonds is fucking insane

Starting point is 01:31:50 Oh, yeah, brother. We look at him. Look at him. Yeah, it's like you're not even it's like but your skeleton and stuff grows That's the thing dude, or what if then they had they had like the fasting games It's like people that haven't eaten in months or whatever, and they have to do the Olympics, and it's just like going up two stairs or whatever. I pitched it for UFC. Or getting out of a blanket fully, but you haven't eaten in months

Starting point is 01:32:16 and you're just so, you have no energy. I like that. I want to challenge- More of an ASMR type of game. I challenge Israel Adesanya as a joke, but just was like, I would love to fight him, but we both gotta drink 12 beers first. And Izzy was like, I talked to Izzy about it,

Starting point is 01:32:31 and he was like, I'm not gonna lie, it'll be an interesting fight, because he's like, I'm not a big drinker, so I'd be fucking wasted. And I was like, 12 beers doesn't do anything to me. Like, what if you put Shane Gillis, and Izzy's a perfect example because he doesn't do anything to me. Like what if you put Shane Gillis and like, and Izzy's a perfect example because he doesn't drink, but Shane Gillis is gonna drink 12 beers

Starting point is 01:32:51 and not feel a thing. Yeah. Oh, I think it would be, I think Izzy would beat the ever living shit out of both of you guys. To be honest, first of all. Yeah, I think so. Yeah, but he's fucking great at it.

Starting point is 01:33:03 Cause it's really just taking both of you guys, which your current levels, giving you each 12 beers. Yeah, just giving us 12 beers. We haven't increased our level at all. We're trying to diminish his, but even after 12 beers, he still is a professional fucking fighter.

Starting point is 01:33:20 Yeah, so that's a part that would be risque. He came to my New Zealand show, and I had said it a couple times on Two Bears that I wanted to do it. And he came up and they're like, I got a text. They're like, yo, Izzy wants to come to your show. And I was like, okay, but I've said some joking, wild shit. Like I said it about everyone.

Starting point is 01:33:36 I do it to everyone. I did to Connor. I did it. I just like guys I know have sense of humor. The Cage Fighters. I love those guys. Michael Chandler, all those guys. Michael Bisming. They're funny fucking

Starting point is 01:33:45 Oh, yeah, most of those guys are most of them There's a couple that aren't but I just don't think they get comedy but I don't that I don't mention those guys sugar Sean fucking great, dude. He is fucking awesome. He has a best sense of humor dude Connor hysterical Nate Diaz fucking love Nate Nick all of them, but uh, I Was like, I don't know if Izzy's got a sense of humor. And then everyone was like, he does, he does, he does. And they're like, I get a text, you wanna come to my, can I come to your show?

Starting point is 01:34:10 I was like, yeah, of course. DM or something. So I give him tickets and he comes back and he's with all his buddies and comes over and he's like, hey, the machine. And he grabs me and he holds me by the neck real tight and he real quick brings his knee to my stomach. He goes, you still wanna fucking fight me?

Starting point is 01:34:25 And I went, no? And he goes, ah, just kidding around. I was like, oh my God, I would've been fucking destroyed. This man is so fucking strong, and so quick, and just bigger. Yeah, I think they'll just gift wrap you. Like they work at the mall at that place where you get the nice wrapping or whatever

Starting point is 01:34:50 He'll fucking tie you up with his feet. I'd be crazy if he gift-wrapped you with his own feet Do you you guys have a 5k coming up? I saw oh, yeah, two bears 5k. You're gonna run run I'm not gonna run this year. Why not? I just can't do it. Why I just don't think I could do it You could I don't know Theo and jelly rolls on it though, Dude. I saw jelly roll is Tom one of his Zimbabwe Do you think is Tom one of his in big? No, he just works out really hard we look so thin here no, that's not him those are different bodies But he is very thin. He's right now. He's like 186 pounds. Oh my god. Yeah, he's really thin He works out really hard and he watches everything eats Wow, so he's really locked in on that. I saw Jell-O roll two nights ago.

Starting point is 01:35:32 The healthiest I've seen him look. Jell-O is down 130 pounds and he looks fucking great. And the thing about this is, you know, we just did this as a lark. They look happy. You look immensely fucking scared of getting some results back. I don't know why they picked that picture for me. But anyway, we did this as a lark on Two Bears. Me and Tom said, well, let's do a 5K,

Starting point is 01:35:53 because I've always run. I ran the LA Marathon, I've run half marathons, Tough Mudders, Spartan races, I've done all of them. I enjoy the event. The event for me is fun, 5K is so digestible. I just ran Travis Barkers in New Orleans over the Super Bowl. And I said, you know, Tom, let's do a 5K. And I've always had stupid ideas, like big tent pole stupid ideas that never pan out.

Starting point is 01:36:15 And Tom's like, yeah, let's do it. We called a bunch of celebrities on our comics, just friends on the show. Everyone committed. Barely any of them showed up. But Jelly Roll heard it and he went on Nelk Boys podcast and he was like, I think I need to get in shape. And by the way, type in Jelly Roll on Bustin' with the Bears. You forget how big he was.

Starting point is 01:36:34 And so he said, I'm going to commit to Bert and Tom's Two Bears 5K and I'm doing my first 5K. And he started training and I get FaceTimes from him. He's like, I hate this. It doesn't get any better. I was like, it doesn't. it takes a while before it starts getting better And he did came out like good news word came out to LA Did the 5k with me my I wore a 50 pound weight vest look out big wow you forget how big he was

Starting point is 01:36:59 He looks so man. I saw me other night. I literally grabbed his face, and I was like oh my He looks so, man, I saw him the other night, I literally grabbed his face and I was like, oh my God. He looks great. Dude, look at it, by the way, look at fucking Taylor. Look how big Taylor looks. Taylor's so lean now. Somebody said he's modeling or something.

Starting point is 01:37:13 I was like, what the fuck? It's crazy that his wife married that and then now she gets that. She gets like a really skinny, good looking dude who looks like he listens to Blink 182. All the small things. Look at him now. Yeah, totally.

Starting point is 01:37:27 He said he got all the small things tattooed right above his cock too. That's what I heard. So Jelly came out for the Two Bears 5K last year and we did it. And I wore a 50 pound weight vest. He did it last year? He did it last year.

Starting point is 01:37:39 He did it last year. He lost like 70 pounds. People Magazine did a big write up on him. He really kind of eventized the event because I think Jelly was just starting to really, really pop and everyone's like, good for him. And then people were like, I can do that. Like Kid Rock called him in the middle of the race.

Starting point is 01:37:55 Like dude, I'm proud of you. And we walked it, me, his wife, Bunny, and my wife Leanne and him, we walked the whole thing. And then as we crossed the line, he was crying. Bunny was crying, Leanne was crying, you know I was crying. And Jelly's like, Bunny said to me, you might have saved his life.

Starting point is 01:38:15 From whatever this stupid idea was. And so from that moment, he's like, yo, we're doing this again this year. So we're doing it in Tampa, May 4th, at Raymond James Stadium. And I mean, I'm telling you right now, it's gonna be such a big fucking event. Like it is.

Starting point is 01:38:29 Y'all are doing it at Raymond James Stadium. We're doing it in the stadium and then we're partying on the field after. We've got fucking polar plunges, saunas, we've got a rope climb, we've got. And people are just, people are coming out and doing it with y'all? People are doing the 5K.

Starting point is 01:38:42 I'm gonna do it, I think I'm doing it three times. So I'm gonna run the first heat, I'm gonna run doing it three times. So I'm gonna run the first heat, I'm gonna run the second heat, and then I'm gonna run the third heat with Jelly and Bunny and Leanne. And how far is it, seven miles? No, it's three miles. It's so doable.

Starting point is 01:38:52 Oh, it is? You could do it. Oh, I could do it, yeah. You could definitely do it. I know, I could do it. Well, here's what happened to me. I broke my toe like probably three weeks ago. So I'm dealing with that right now.

Starting point is 01:38:59 Which toe, big toe? Second from the right, the one next to the little piggy or whatever. And... Wait, what foot? Right foot. Second from the right, the one next to the little piggy or whatever. And uh. Wait, what foot? Right foot. Second from the right, the little, next to the little piggy. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:39:11 I broke it dude, and so it's been miserable. So I haven't been able to, there's so many things I haven't been able to do. What do you do for working out? I do a lot of yoga right now, and then I'll just do like circuit training, but like find like four exercises, do four reps of them, you know,

Starting point is 01:39:24 and do that four times, and then I'll do like three blocks of those yeah but this past few weeks has been miserable it's been like sucks when you break it oh dude it's unbelievable I was like you got to be kidding me you can't hardly do anything I can't even push off into a good hug with anybody people like you can't even fucking hug or whatever you pussy or whatever you hug pussy I dropped a whiskey bottle on my big toe, the toe next to it and the toe next to that, and I shattered them.

Starting point is 01:39:49 And I was like, what do I do? And they're like, nothing. I just had to wait and wait. It was my big toe. I was barefoot for three months. It was so, it happened December, it happened January 1st, so it's been a month, and now they're fine.

Starting point is 01:40:05 They're fine already? Yeah. Testosterone helps, huh? Oh, so reparative. What the fuck am I doing? What are you doing? I'm just afraid I'll lose my hair. You're not gonna lose your hair.

Starting point is 01:40:14 You can always give so much fucking hair. Can I have some? No. I would love some of your hair. But here's what happens. People say you're not gonna lose your hair and then you fucking, well I tried TRT one time a few years ago and I lost some of my fucking hair.

Starting point is 01:40:25 No. Yeah motherfucker, I did. God damn it. Is that, wait, can I see the new hair? Huh? Is that new hair? You can't really see it, they just kinda put it in there. And I think my hair that I lost cause of stress

Starting point is 01:40:35 actually grew back. I think I just had so much stress. You look like you have a ton of hair right now. That I was shedding. What's crazy is that your top hair goes gray before your side hairs, so then it'll be perfectly peppered. Hmm, somebody save me. Um, you had also my favorite musician right now, one of anyway, Stephen Wilson Jr. was on your podcast.

Starting point is 01:40:57 I was ready to see. Every bone's tethered. You wanna change my name, gotta drain my blood. Everything I am, everything he walks. He's the best, dude. He is really great. I'm a song, I'm a song. I know you love that one.

Starting point is 01:41:17 I've listened to that one a couple times. It's not my favorite. You're serious? I've listened to it, cause I know you like it. I've listened to it. It's just, and I know how much you love it. I love it, it. Yeah, I've listened to it. It's just and I know how much you love it I love it dude, because it's it's so beautiful that it I remember the song I lost my virginity to I remember the song I got my first car to I remember the song that Leanne and I fell

Starting point is 01:41:34 In love to I remember the songs for me like I get very emotional listening to music. I I mean every one of these episodes I'm like, you know, don't put the camera on me. I'm crying and Did you hear what happened when I did it with him? He goes to start playing, and he starts playing on the song. And I, so he went, and he goes, and he had to stop. He goes, Bert, can you please not cry like that? Like I cried out loud. But man, music for me is so emotional. Red Clay Strayz came over to my house and played.

Starting point is 01:41:58 And I was like, I was like, shut the fuck up. Dude, Goose is one of my favorite bands in the world. You know Goose? I gotta listen to them. No, my best friend Scott loves them, but I haven't listened shut the fuck up. Dude, Goose is one of my favorite bands in the world. You know Goose? I gotta listen to them. No, my best friend Scott loves them, but I haven't listened to them that much. I've had very, very, I've been very blessed with the opportunities of having these.

Starting point is 01:42:14 This band is so fucking great. But I've been very blessed to have all these guys and girls come over and play music for me because I just, I love music. And I think sometimes, I'm good at a podcast like if I'm talking to you because because I don't know but sometimes with like younger comics I'm at the best because I don't like I don't know I'm not great you know but with musicians I'm so much I'm so fascinated by their process and who they are and I don't know anything about them

Starting point is 01:42:40 and you get to kind of deep dive them and then and then and you've had some great fucking musicians on I mean I saw Billy Strings live the other night Billy Strings he took me fishing one day too he's such a special real yeah he's just the most he's so normal he's he's so not a slayer you know he's just a normal guy you think you're not a celebrity oh I think I don't like the celebrity part of it. I don't see a lot of value in it. But like you get a lot of access to cool shit.

Starting point is 01:43:12 It's a mirage. Yeah. Like that's the only thing I see that you like about celebrity is and I wouldn't say that you like it, but I noticed that you travel and go see the events you want to see. Like you get to go do everything. Like I look at yours, I'm like, you're at UFC, you're at fucking Jelly Roll show, you're at Kid Rock show, you're at the fucking

Starting point is 01:43:34 the Republican National Commitment or whatever the thing, the inauguration. Like I look at that and I go, that only comes with celebrity. You don't get that if you're just talented. You gotta be famous and talented. And so I think I see you leveraging that in the best way. You're filling your interests. I think I saw you with Caitlyn Clark. Oh yeah. And I was like that only comes with celebrity. And so... Well I'm a fan of hers. I'm a I'm friends with her boyfriend. Really? Connor, yeah. Connor Clark? No, Connor, it'd be crazy, it'd be illegal,

Starting point is 01:44:06 it sounds like. Connor McCaffrey. Wait, Nolan, is she dating Christian McCaffrey's brother? No, I don't think they're related. But we went up to watch Caitlin, Me, and Caleb, and then that's how we met Connor. You interviewed Jessie Murphy? Jessie Murph.

Starting point is 01:44:22 Jessie Murph? Yeah, she's the best. That's the little girl that sings Cigarette Card, doesn't have the, with Jelly Roll. Oh, Wild Ones. Wild Ones. I got a wild open, got a 45 on a man with him and about 102. Always smokin' something, got me worried about nothin'

Starting point is 01:44:43 and he ain't got nothing to lose. I got nothing for the wild underbelly. Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, hey. I texted, I DM'd her one time, I was like, I was like, I should not love this song as much as I love it. What did you think of the Super Bowl halftime show? The Super Bowl halftime show, I tweeted about it

Starting point is 01:45:05 that I thought it was boring, right? And I only know like, I'm not a big Kendrick listener, right? And then a couple days ago, I ended up taking down my tweet actually, I just felt like, well I guess I felt like, why am I judging this? I don't fucking know, you know what I'm saying? I think sometimes you forget that people are gonna make

Starting point is 01:45:23 a big, could make a big deal out of you tweet something that you can't just say like fucking whatever you want without some people having like Reactions to it. Maybe we do that I mean, I think I think it I'm sure you've had gotten negative feedback in your life And you just go well that wasn't my intent and then if you ever talked to that person They're like oh I didn't know you're gonna see it and you're like like if Kendrick might be a big fan of yours And he sees it and then he's like oh fuck. I know that sucks, right? Yeah, right. I thought about that But then I also I know I just thought about like why am I I think like two days that I was like, why am I?

Starting point is 01:45:54 Why am I judging this guy and then people are gonna judge me like what kind of energy am I really creating? I don't think that's what I thought when I was tweeting and I was just like, oh, this is fucking you know I just it what it didn't feel like it was for me. I don't know I didn't know enough of his songs I think that was the I mean there's I think there was a bunch of issues I think number one is his catalog his catalogs very big in the culture and in white culture I don't think there's enough crossover. He's only have like two crossover songs I think he played both of them, but like I'll tell you being there I was sitting next to Jamis Winston when it happened and man

Starting point is 01:46:25 We loved it. It was really fun in the stadium I made on TV it didn't translate but was really fun in the stadium the interesting person's take was kid rocks take did you hear Is he was like cuz you know kid rocks, you know I remember he shot those pepsi's up when that fellow was drinking them gay pepsi's or whatever. He's got Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bud Light. Oh, Bud Light, I'm sorry. But his take was, he did this for the culture.

Starting point is 01:46:55 Like Kid Rock's take was pretty insightful, because Kid Rock grew up loving it in hip hop, in hip hop. And so his take was really kind of insightful. It was like, yeah, we did this for the culture. He did this as representation of like, everyone on stage is black. It was all about like inside what they listen to. I mean, Kendrick's a fucking legend, dude.

Starting point is 01:47:14 Here are my take, okay? It's fucking New Orleans. Like kind of, like why not celebrate Boozy, Wayne, Master P, like why not the way they did LA? And it doesn't have to be black, you know? I mean, I'm sure there's Harry Connick Jr. sang at the beginning, there's a lot of talent that isn't, but New Orleans is like a black music town.

Starting point is 01:47:39 Jazz, hip hop, I put Juvi. I would have been sick, but then somebody, I thought that too, somebody brought to my attention, but most of the people in New Orleans aren't at the game probably, it's a lot of people from out of town. So then it's like, yeah, it's interesting, do you celebrate the city?

Starting point is 01:47:56 What is the real goal of whoever they put out there? Or why they put certain stars? But then also, then I thought, well also, a lot of the athletes are black, they may all, Kendrick might be one of their favorites, just because I haven't listened to a lot of Kendrick except for the mainstream stuff. Doesn't mean I don't, you know, that I wouldn't like it.

Starting point is 01:48:16 I don't know, I guess I probably wanted something more that a basic white guy would want, you know? Jelly Roll, Bruno Mars. Bruno Mars is, there's no performer better than Bruno Mars. His shows, top to goddamn bottom, are the most entertaining shows with so many songs you recognize. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:48:38 It is, that guy is so talented. Justin Timberlake, worth my money. New Kids on the Block, bring them back. I would be a cool Super Bowl show. Maybe if they'd have done some music over the years. But I think sometimes you forget that just because you do, if it wasn't me tweeting, nobody would have probably shared it or given a fuck.

Starting point is 01:48:59 And I don't mean that in a way, like an ego way. But sometimes you're just tweeting instead of just thinking, this is what I think, nobody's gonna care. I said out loud, it should have been Lil Wayne and Juvie and everyone, and then we were at, I did a show at the Super Bowl

Starting point is 01:49:13 with Nikki, Tony, and Shane, and I didn't even see my critique come back at me, but someone goes, why didn't you have Theo and Mark here? And I was like, huh? And they're like, this is their hometown, they should have performed here, and I went, oh fuck. I was like, I didn't even think, I didn't you have Theo and Mark here? And I was like, huh? And they're like, this is their hometown. They should have performed here. And I went, oh fuck. I was like, I didn't even think, I didn't even.

Starting point is 01:49:29 But you guys asked me to come do it. I think we did. Oh yeah, actually we did. I just couldn't. Oh yeah, we did. I couldn't go home for the Super Bowl because I had to do that movie. God damn it, that's right, I did ask you.

Starting point is 01:49:37 I wanted to be there. I asked Mormon too. Fuck that guy. Yeah, fuck that guy. You know? I mean, it's always something that's gonna make you feel some type of way, I guess. And then it's like, I don't know. I mean mean but then I was like, why do I fucking care like and

Starting point is 01:49:49 Who needs to hear my opinion? So, okay, I'm gonna interrupt you because here's what I'd love to know Did you get any pushback when you went to the Republican National or the Republican inauguration? Yeah for real Yeah, I did get pushback about it, which I didn't really understand. Like, I would go, if anybody invited me to go to the inauguration, dude, like people on the street where I grew up, they're not, nobody's ever going to the inauguration. Nobody from my fucking street, my neighborhood is ever going to the inauguration, probably ever. No.

Starting point is 01:50:22 They're not, some of these people cannot legally vote anymore So the simple fact that I got to go right Bobby Kennedy is a friend of mine I'll be Kennedy's a sweet, dude people are like you're not I'm gonna support my fucking friend I don't care if they're if I have a friend that went to jail out for even something serious. I would still go in You know maybe speak on their behalf sometimes or take them bread or whatever You know like I'm gonna be supportive. So yeah, some of that shit, but I would never hold it against somebody if they went to an inauguration.

Starting point is 01:50:52 So then I gotta start thinking, well, that's just odd of that person. Some of that's on them, you know, like I've even had friends that I've texted and they'll be like, oh, it's, didn't know you were so MAGA or whatever. And it was like, I've never ever in my life thought of myself as MAGA, you know?

Starting point is 01:51:08 I've never thought of you as, I've never thought of you as political. I've thought of you as just a person interested in living life. Like that's, I mean, that's my perspective. Like I didn't, I honestly, when you went to the inauguration, I was like, oh, that's fucking dope.

Starting point is 01:51:20 That's fucking crazy. Like I would go in a, I'd go in a fucking heartbeat. I went to, I went to George Bush's, when I was a kid, I went to George Bush's State of the Union. I went to Bill Clinton's State of the Union and George Bush's State of the Union. No one ever called me on it. Like I was 18, 20, whatever, 16, 18,

Starting point is 01:51:36 whatever the fuck it is. I went to both, I went to the State of the Union like every time we got a president, my uncle could get me in. And I just think it's a crazy wild thing to see democracy working and like I if I got invited to an inauguration or I'm not gonna buy it to the

Starting point is 01:52:00 Republican National Convention, but it was as an influencer and I was like, yeah, I wouldn't I think I got invited as that too I wouldn't go to I wouldn't do something like that I'm not gonna go like go like I'm gonna get you fans, right? But like if you invite me and I don't have to do Shit, and I can hang out I fucking go. I thought it was cool shit. Yeah, I wouldn't go to support like one party You know I'm saying like if somebody like I got asked to do some Republican stuff like that. I wouldn't go do that you know and we just got lucky with that to would come on our podcast was Vance and Trump. Everybody got asked, everybody was emailing with us,

Starting point is 01:52:28 but they didn't wanna come. There's nothing I can do about that. And then you expect that I'm not gonna go kind of be supportive of the fact that they even came and they came. Yeah. Fuck, at least they fucking gave a fuck to come. Do you realize?

Starting point is 01:52:40 Now I think Trump, what they're doing with Gaza and him coming in and speaking on that is one of the most fucked up things I've ever heard of in my life kind of you know lost me That's how little I know about politics, but so it's like yeah I don't know that shit was kind of crazy me, but then you got to realize like All you could like I just have to just be myself man I don't even know who that is sometimes and so I'm still learning about who that is you know Well, you should what I mean this is, I'm saying this to hear it, right?

Starting point is 01:53:06 I'm saying this to hear it, but what you have to realize is the people that love you, love you. And then fuck everyone else. That's the truth, is I'm trying to get to that. The people that love you, love you. And fuck everyone else, because you can't fucking help someone that doesn't like you.

Starting point is 01:53:19 That person that sends that text has been waiting to send that text. For sure. In one manner or another They're bothered by everything good happening your life is a reflection of their shortcomings And they're like didn't know you were so MAGA and you're like go fuck yourself go fuck yourself Yeah, if you ever think you could I would never let anybody even put a pin in me that Described me as one part of one group anyway. I

Starting point is 01:53:44 Will never be part of one group. I wouldn't even do that to myself. This is who I am. I'm vegan. They don't even have the fucking group that I am. And hey buddy, they do not have the group you are. And I think they don't have the group that a lot of us are. They don't have my group.

Starting point is 01:53:58 We're more complex than just being like, you're this or that. Yeah, if they said we had a fucking 30 K struggling alcoholic guys in therapy with his wife, you know what I'm saying? Who loves a fucking good brisket and Johnson brought, you know what I'm saying? And cares about his kids a ton. Where's that group? My group doesn't exist. My group, I love when they want to put me in my group and go, Hey man, uh, uh, you have a problem with your drinking. And I go, I'm doing pretty good.

Starting point is 01:54:28 It's a good point, dude. Anybody that says you have a problem, you're doing pretty good. It's always guys in the system or whatever it's called. And they're like, Hey man, you know, you have a drinking problem. I go, okay. I had a guy tell me, I won't say his name, but I'll tell you after he goes, it just cause you think you have to make a ton of money and you're on an arena tour and you have three successful podcasts and you're happily married and your kids are good.

Starting point is 01:54:46 You think that that didn't mean you have a problem. I went, no, I think that's exactly what that means. I think that means that like I got fucking feelers around me and if something goes sideways, they tell me, but like right now we're doing pretty solid. So like I go, I, I said it on a podcast a long time ago and I got a lot of heat from people in the system and they were like, uh, I said, sometimes I think the problem is the person and it's not the booze or the alcohol. It's going to show its from people in the system. And they were like, I said, sometimes I think the problem's the person, and it's not the booze or the alcohol, it's gonna show its head up

Starting point is 01:55:08 in another place. You get rid of the booze and it shows itself up in gambling or jerking off or sex addiction. It's like, you gotta take care of the problem. If you don't have the problem, like if you don't have the problem, then maybe you should look at that. Like go like, hey man, like my wife was a big drinker in college and quit drinking thinking she was an alcoholic

Starting point is 01:55:29 and then realized, oh no, my parents were split up, I had a shitty childhood, I need to get in therapy and fix all the things that when I drink, bring those to the top. She did it, my wife never drinks. She will drink every now and then, doesn't even give a fuck. And I was like, oh wow, I wanna be like that.

Starting point is 01:55:44 I wanna be like that where you go like, yeah I can have a drink, sure, like last night. Had a couple drinks and then doesn't even give a fuck and I was like oh wow I want to be like that I want to be like that where you go like yeah I can have a drink sure like last night had a couple drinks and I was like I want to I don't want to be too bloated when I see Theo tomorrow so I was like I'm gonna sleep watch the documentary on hey do you think in Japanese Netflix how do you think they they titled the World War two movies do you think they're the World War II movies. Do you think they're like World War II, we were also in it? Cause like I was watching this. It's like World War II Road to Victory is the one we get.

Starting point is 01:56:14 What do you think the, cause they have Japanese Netflix. Almost good. Almost good, so close. Yeah. World War II, I watched, I watched, I watched, Inglorious Basterds with a German guy. Oh, yeah

Starting point is 01:56:29 That's uncomfortable oh with a German yeah, it's like watching Django and chained with a bunch of black guys. Yeah Yeah, that's not really a post game movie There's a really bad guys, man. Yeah, Dan. Guys was bad None of them look like my grandfather. I know uh damn brush. You got real um What else do we want to talk about okay? Is there anything else you got your special coming out? I was out March 18th March 18th. Yes, and I think it's I think it's my best one lucky some luckiest man alive You know yeah, I might be right about you, buddy. I am. Think about it. If I pitched me to you.

Starting point is 01:57:06 I wouldn't believe it. Right? 25 years old in college. Been in college seven years, roughly. Yeah. Rolling Stone, no degree, no chances of graduating, no hopes of graduating, no real direction in life. Rolling Stone magazine discovers me

Starting point is 01:57:24 and calls me the number one party member in the country. And a Buccaneers fan at that time. And a Bucs fan, back when the Bucs and the Saints sucked. Gonna test a vertigersie. Dude. Back when you were just waiting for the 49ers to come in town and beat your ass. From Florida, from Florida,

Starting point is 01:57:36 before anyone knew what a Florida man was, those were all my uncles and my fucking brothers, all my people in my life, all for our Florida man. Rolling Stone discovered magazines, discovered me called the number one party member in the country. Oliver Stone options the people in my life all around Florida, man. Rolling Stone discovered magazines discovered me called the number one party in the country. Oliver Stone options the rise of my life. I moved to New York. Within six months I get a development deal from Will Smith. That's weird now but I moved to LA. I get my first TV show on the X show. I then get another development deal at CBS. I meet the love of my life. I keep working in TV. I get fired. I get on travel

Starting point is 01:58:04 channels. I mean all the things that have happened to me are so goddamn lucky that I look at it and I go, I don't deserve to be where I am. I have the greatest group of friends, meaning like my friends, and you included, are the funniest, most thoughtful people in the world. The funniest people in the world. The funniest people in the world.

Starting point is 01:58:26 But yet people who will take time out of their schedule to go see my wife's live podcast when they don't need to. Like that's my friends, right? Tommy, you, Joe, Ari, some of them drug me. But like Joey Diaz, you know, it happens. But like you look at your group of friends and there's more than that. I got two great kids who are really fucking well rounded

Starting point is 01:58:43 for a dad who's leveraged their childhood to make money. Yeah. Yeah, and they're still well-rounded and they're happy and we love each other and I'm healthy and I'm the strongest I've ever been and I get to do what I love. And for work today to promote my special, I get to sit with you and just chat about,

Starting point is 01:59:01 I mean, that's like, I'm the luckiest motherfucker, but I also think, I really believe this, you have to identify your luck. I think I mentioned this in the special, you just have to start looking at things as half full, and don't, like even the bad things go, that needed to happen to me. That had to happen to me to get me to the place

Starting point is 01:59:18 where I could see the luck come from it, you know? I mean, it's like, look at all the shit you've been through, and then I go, thank God? Like I think, I was thinking it's like, look at all the shit you've been through. And then I go, thank God. Like, I was thinking of it today, I was like, I hate that Theo had to go through drugs and alcohol, because that's so not him. And that's never been who I know you knew you to be. I never even knew you to party, to be dead honest with you.

Starting point is 01:59:38 Yeah, me either. I never saw it, yeah. And I go, but you know, I'm so glad he did, because he's so fucking grounded now. Like he seems like in such a better place and he's got all these great stories about the time he got high on coke and locked himself out of his apartment while he was making a smoothie.

Starting point is 01:59:53 Like those fucking wild stories where you're doing Coke with Darrell Strawberry and fucking the Bronx. I mean, you have all these crazy adventures now, but you're so like, like I go, just gotta look at it and go, that sucked then, but that's then, this is now, now we're lucky. Yeah, no, you gotta be here to tell them. Dude, I mean, I'm lucky.

Starting point is 02:00:14 I went to, I'm lucky as fuck. And I think if I can put luck out there, like I'd say I bought like $100 worth of pennies, it's a lot of pennies, more than you'd think. This is wild. And I just started throwing them around LA, just flipping them on the ground. Cause every time you see a penny,

Starting point is 02:00:31 you're like, oh shit, good luck. Yeah. I was like, oh, why not just gift that to people? Like just a little, and then if I have a project like that, I start getting really into it. And I'm like fucking, I'm walking through parking lots, dropping them in front of everyone's car. So everyone gets good luck when they get in the car.

Starting point is 02:00:44 It's a fucking copper Johnny Appleseed out there. I'm the Copper Johnny Appleseed? That's him. Spreading luck, March 18th on Netflix. The special is dropping. You got the 5K in Tampa. You have your double down show that's in Las Vegas. Yes. Oh, that weekend I'm in Vegas, March 21st and 22nd, over at the Resorts World Theater. Two shows. Wow. Yeah. I'm proud of you, man. I'm proud of you, man. Vegas, March 21st and 22nd, over at the Resorts World Theater. Two shows. Wow. Yeah.

Starting point is 02:01:07 I'm proud of you, man. I'm proud of you, man. Thanks, man. We've been friends for a long time, but it's so good to see. Man, you know, my girls and Leanne root for a couple comics, and you're in that short list. And so when good shit happens to you, same with Nikki. When Nikki did the Golden Globes,

Starting point is 02:01:26 they were in a text thread. When you crushed it. But you're in that short list. You, Shane, Nikki, Tony Hinchcliffe, people in my family knows. And it's cool when you get a text from your kids, you're like, oh, dad, did you see the fucking, what was the Theo, I forget what it was?

Starting point is 02:01:45 They're like have you seen the best of Theo and I was like no and then George sent it to me She's like dad. She's on a plane. She's like dad this fucking he is fucking hysterical I was like dude fuck. Yeah I remember watching George and watch Shane Gillis for the first time and was like are we allowed to laugh at this? Yeah, and I love that. I love that. I'm the luckiest motherfucker out there. Well, we're lucky to be in your presence, man. I feel that, and thanks for always being supportive, and thanks for some of the nice things

Starting point is 02:02:10 that you said today, dude. And yeah, I feel lucky. I was driving over here today, I was like, man, my job today, I get to talk to a friend of mine. Fuck. Fuck. That's a blessing. It's a blessing.

Starting point is 02:02:27 Bert Kreischer man stay healthy and enjoy your your year off a comedy huh okay I think I'm gonna go back on tour maybe October we'll see we'll see he'll be back on tour in a month probably but that's okay he keeps working hard Love you bro. Love you bro.

This Past Weekend - E565 Bert Kreischer

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.