This Past Weekend - E574 Mark Normand

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Starting point is 00:00:47 that we've ever had. I think you will love them and enjoy them. They're at thetheovonstore.com and thank you so much for your support. Today's guest is a standup comedian. He has two podcasts, Tuesdays with Stories with Joe List and We Might Be Drunk with Sam Morrill. He's touring all over this year.

Starting point is 00:01:10 He's a one of one, he's a new father, and he has a new series out called Page to Stage, where comedians take something from their notebook and you see it build until it gets performed. Today's guest is a one of one, my Louisiana brethren, Mr. Mark Norman. ["Shine On Me"] Oh

Starting point is 00:01:49 Flying out today Yeah, my stepdad is sick. So I gotta go see him. I'm bummed. I wanted to be there for kill Tony. Oh, yeah Are you doing it doing it with Kid Rock? So that'll be I'm gonna try I'm gonna really sing him That's the only way I can get to him because if I do it at his house He'll you know sick his security guards on me and call me the N word. I didn't know. Oh yeah. Dude, he has a dog that can say the N word I saw.

Starting point is 00:02:13 Was it a black lab? I hope. Oh yeah, dude. BLM bro. Black labs matter. Hopefully it's not a German shepherd. He thought a black lab was a place where they tested barbecue sauce. I was like Yeah, get on mic. That's where they make sickle cell

Starting point is 00:02:28 Yeah, I was like, bro, that's not I was like Bob. You got the wrong idea, man So so uh, so you're doing kill Tony coming up tonight. Yeah tonight. Oh, yeah at the what is it the Bridgestone? Yeah, very exciting. I feel like Nate Bargatze. Yeah, I know. Huh? Have you done one on that big of a level? That's big, man. No, no, I've done arena shows, but I've never done like a panel with jokes and zingers. And that's gonna be weird. Just making fun of these poor open micers in front of 20,000 people. Dude. And imagine them getting up there, that many people, they're going to be shook.

Starting point is 00:03:02 How could you have a good set? That's insane. I mean, it's like losing your virginity to Pamela Anderson. Well, that's a dated, who's the new hot lady? Who is it now? Oprah? No, it's uh. Give me a Rihanna, who do the kids like?

Starting point is 00:03:20 Oh, aw. Sydney Sweeney, that's a good one. Look at the tits on dickless God oh wow holy Hachi machi she seemed like a beautiful young lady huh very attractive she just got a separated from her husband I oh hey you're in that's slurred word I thought about sending her a message but I don't know what I would say hey say nice yams bitch I think she's she wants that she's No one talks to her like that anymore, so it'll probably turn her on. You think, oh, I'll definitely say something about that vegetation.

Starting point is 00:03:52 Yeah, she's got some crop circles. Oh, yeah, brother gang, dude. Is that the ex? That guy looks like an ugly me. Oh, man, I feel great. Yeah, that guy definitely fumbled the breast. Yeah, right? Yeah, he looks like an Uber driver. Yeah, dude, it would take you 70 minutes to get her bra on, I think.

Starting point is 00:04:14 Yeah, that's a lot to compact in there. Oh, you would have to have a buddy. It would almost have to be like two of those guys doing that slingshot thing or whatever. Yeah, it's like trying to get leaves in a bag. Oh, yeah dude. Wow. Look at that, that is a lovely, lovely lady. It's good to know that a blonde with huge cans is back. Fuck yeah, that's a great point dude.

Starting point is 00:04:35 Yeah, she could be anything. We need flight attendants like this now. Ooh, yeah good. They're all gay now. Oh, they're all gay. Even you, a woman like you're... I remember trying to hit on this lady and she'll be like, she's like, I'd love to go out with you, but I'm only going to be a woman for like another week. And I was like, what the fuck, man? Oh, damn. That's what this flight attendant said. I was like, oh, come on.

Starting point is 00:04:58 Good lord. Where's she connecting? In Transville? I know, dude. Yeah, that's great. Transville's vain, yeah? Yeah, they're all gay now. They used to be very attractive. It's like these sky homos. They've taken over the air. It is, dude, I feel like when you get on, you have to protect your straightness. The second you get on there, I lock in, dude. I tell my penis, I say, you know what we're here for. We're just here to get from A to B. Right. Okay. Do not look around. Yes. Yes. They're going to tempt you. It'll be like a kind of a guy, you know, like a guy possibly dresses

Starting point is 00:05:35 a woman walking through with liquor or snacks or those goldfish. My penis loves goldfish. I love a goldfish. So, but do not look over there, you stay straight, we're just, we're going to Cincinnati. Exactly, no place straighter than Cincinnati. That is a straight town right there. It is dude. Eat chili and watch football. Oh.

Starting point is 00:05:56 But wait, hold on, you said something. Oh, you ever get flattered by the gay love? Yeah. That is very nice when a gay guy's like, hey cutie or whatever, and you're like, eh, this is pretty good. Yeah,, well cuz it's replacing the old thing It's like you still want the affection right and now it's like a lot of us didn't even have dad So it's like they're kind of coming at you with that combo meal. Oh

Starting point is 00:06:17 You get the male attention and Flirty in the female flirty. Yeah, that's good. Get it in one. That's God. I'd love to be gay That's a lot of gay guys thing is don't you want that combo meal? Right, you know and he can blow this that fucking chrome off your trailer hitch Oh, dude, can you this is insane to be talking about sorry God's country. I'm just going to Cincinnati, okay? You're right. I'm telling you mark. All right. I'm already good. I'm already getting the layover. I'm just going to Cincinnati. Okay. You're right. I'm telling you, Mark. All right. I'm already, I'm already getting the layover. I'm gay over. But dude, yeah, there's just something like they, yeah, you see them and they, but

Starting point is 00:06:54 yeah, God, could you even imagine some strong guy who was probably like on the, um, neck team in college, whatever some some sporting event like the, uh, wrestling, wrestling or something like that. Oh yeah. And he just pins your cock to the back of his throat with his tongue or whatever. Easy big fella. Anyone else hard? You're going to make Morgan Wilde uncomfortable. Oh man.

Starting point is 00:07:24 Yeah. It's gotta be nice to be the gay. What about Glory Hole? Is that real? There was one at- What? You know of one? There was one at Louisiana State when I was at LSU. Shut the fuck up! Yeah. God, I missed that. I went there for a semester. Yeah, bring up Glory Hole LSU. What? They had one and they, you know where it was, I think it was in, um, I want to say the library. Whoa damn they plugged that hole look at that. Oh there's one right there taking a dump in Turo that's a one of those on the halls there oh there it is right there. Whoa look at

Starting point is 00:07:55 that. Look at that. Damn you could even look through there if you wanted to. But it's hard to look through there when there's a wiener Take your eye out. Yeah, dude. Don't be that weirdo that's trying to sightsee at a glory Yeah, you just gotta you gotta trust the hole you gotta go with it whatever comes through you gotta eat it That's the whole dude. That's the original game show right there. Oh Yes, that's great. Yeah now. It's, I'm thinking of what it's called now. It's like the floor is lava, dude. Right. Nothing, that has nothing on the glory hole is open.

Starting point is 00:08:35 That's a great point, yeah. And you never know who's on the other side. Could be your teacher, your brother, your pastor. I mean, that's a real gamble. Oh, yeah, it could be your pastor. It could be your future or dude It could be some gay you're gonna they are woman nowadays even lesbians will stop in there just to couture their jawline They'll pop into a male glory hole. Yeah, but what about lesbians? They don't have any way to glory

Starting point is 00:08:56 You can't get a clit through that that wood girth. I don't know you put the softball team in there They'll fucking don't hit a single at least through that that thing Yeah, Brittany Griner could get something through that hole That's a rock. That's what put her in jail in Russia. I heard have you seen her lately? She looks like Pete Davidson Yeah, I could see a crossover. Why hasn't she been on SNL? I wonder oh Brittany let me see something real quick. Oh, this is awkward Britney, let me see something real quick. Oh, this is awkward. Thank you! Get the fuck out!

Starting point is 00:09:28 Whoa, look at those dogs walking on water. What religion is this? What the fuck is that? Dude, this is that new shit, man. This is what's coming now. This is the new Christianity. This will be a story in the Bible one day. Britney Griner shoots a three-pointer.

Starting point is 00:09:44 Yeah, she looks like Deuteronomy. Yeah, damn, that was good. Ah, thanks. God, bro. That's a pretty decent start for an episode, I feel like. Hell yeah. Well, I love Nashville. I love this town.

Starting point is 00:09:56 We did the Ryman last night. We did Zanies after that. Drop your mic down a little bit. Oh, sorry. Went to a Kid Rocks house. It was a wild night. You did go to Kid Rocks? Yeah, we were just out with Tony, and Tony's like, went to a Kid Rocks house. It was a wild night. You did go to Kid Rocks? Yeah, we were just out with

Starting point is 00:10:06 Tony and Tony's like, I got a surprise for you. We jump in a car, we drive a half hour and then bam. We did it. Yeah, exactly. And what a home. Oh, you go to, there's definitely, was it just him there? Was it other people? It was just him and like a security guy. Oh yeah, dude. And maybe a slave. I mean, it felt like a big jack just him and like a security guy. Oh yeah, dude. And maybe a slave. I mean, it felt like it. Big jacked, scary, like marine looking guy. Oh yeah, a lot of those guys love to cook when they're not fucking like sniping fucking Gazans on behalf of Israel.

Starting point is 00:10:35 But yeah, dude, he... Build that whaling wall. Yeah, oh Jesus. Dude, I heard the whaling wall, this is the most Israel thing ever. The wailing wall has an ATM in it. Is that crazy? That's hilarious. Is it?

Starting point is 00:10:51 I mean, I wouldn't be surprised, you need some cash out there if you're gonna buy a little draddle. Yeah, dude. Some knickknacks. Oh, I'll fucking spin gimmel on that bitch, son. That's all I spin, dude. They used to call me Big Gimmel in a lot of back alleys. Jimmy Gimmel. In a lot of back alleys and Jimmy gimme In a lot of Yiddish back alley days to call me fucking Jimmy gimme dog

Starting point is 00:11:13 Oh the willing wall it should have at least two ATMs at it I can't even believe this is an issue over there. It's gotta have one or at least a glory hole Get that no foreskin through there. Yeah, only in the glory holes in Israel it says FDIC insured. FDICK insured, dude. Nice. There it is. There it is.

Starting point is 00:11:35 Holy shit. The only kosher ATM in the world. That's hilarious. It just takes money from Palestinians. It's not even your account. Yeah, dude. That's hilarious. It just takes money from Palestinians. It's not even your account Holy moly, that's hilarious Wow Speaking of going abroad you have shows coming up abroad man. Yeah, I'm very excited going to London going Australia I love those crowds you do oh, yeah I mean the flights a bitch and you get homesick and the jet lags a real cum-guzzler, but I love Australia

Starting point is 00:12:06 I'm pumped. Do you ever go? Yes, man. You have to where you going over there? Let me see some of his dates here. You're going to Reykjavik, Reykjavik Yeah, I think that's Iceland right? Reykjavik? Reykjavik. Oh Reykjavik. That's how they say it? Yeah, I think so Oh Reykjavik. Yeah, it looks like it's somebody's texting with t9. Look at those vowels Consonants. Oh, yeah, Jesus. That's like a drunk text Salford United Kingdom Cardiff United Kingdom Bristol United Kingdom Birmingham London Glasgow you're going to fucking glass. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Fuck. Yeah get a smash burger lot Yeah, I get a Glasgow smile. That's where they cut you from here to here

Starting point is 00:12:46 Glasgow smile. That's where they cut you from here to here. Glasgow smile. Those scots are really scary. That's going to be incredible, dude. So you have those shows coming up. That's everywhere over there. Yeah, yeah. Doing the whole gamut. Just taking a train from top to bottom. It's kind of shitty because you don't get to see anything. You just do the show and then you leave.

Starting point is 00:13:02 But the crowds are great and it's a fun time. You have a couple days off. Couple days off, yeah, not much. But I get so keyed up, I gotta get back. So I just do the shows and I go home. Well, it's hard. That's one of the things people don't realize. You go to these places, people are like, stay, do this and that.

Starting point is 00:13:14 But then, like, you do five, six shows, you're on the road then for two weeks, kind of. Right, right. Or, you know, you try to get in, and it's like, well, how long are you going to be over there? You're going to be over there for three weeks, a month? I you know, you try to get into, and it's like, well how long you gonna be over there? You gonna be over there for three weeks, a month? I know, you start, I get that FOMO,

Starting point is 00:13:28 like what's going on in America? You start looking at JD Vance memes, you're like, oh I miss home. He's fat, putting Cheeto dust on a president. They had one the other day that said he has up syndrome, this is a picture of JD Vance has up syndrome. That's fun. Look at that guy.

Starting point is 00:13:46 I think he loves it too, which is fun about him. He has the best sense of humor. I bet he could, I honestly, I should send him one of these and see what he thinks about it. Oh, I bet he's seen all of them. I would just scroll through those at dinner if I was him. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:13:59 And look, he can't do that with Obama. That's a different meme, if you know what I mean. So it's good to have him be into it. Yeah, I got to see which ones He's into I think I would like to try and get to interview him again because now he's in there Right I bet it's weird in there well in the White House. Yeah. Oh, yeah Well you see kid rock over there dressed like a fucking fire firecracker salesman Oh, he was dressed like a fireman at a glory hole Oh, he was dressed like a fireman at a glory hole

Starting point is 00:14:30 Yes, yeah fire crotch dude. He was dressed like the Grand Wizard of Crackerjack Yeah, look at that it looks like you selling used cars in in Bristol, Tennessee Dude definitely dude this guy looks like he could fucking sign the Constitution with his cock, dude. This guy's unbelievable. He does. John Hancock. Yeah. Yeah, look at this. That is a wild... He's like a... He's a Gatrian. Oh yeah, brother. That's it. Dude, if this photo alone doesn't get the Tiger King out of prison...

Starting point is 00:14:58 Ah, right. What are we even doing? And this has got to scare the foreigners. If I was a Chinese motherfucker and I saw that, I go, we can't fuck with them. Look at this guy. He's like an Avenger. Yeah. They're like, we made that shirt, but we didn't know we'd wear it like that.

Starting point is 00:15:14 You think Zelinsky sees that? And he's like, shit, I really didn't dress up. Holy, I dress like a ninja. He's like, oh, I should have really showed up. He looks like the pilot for Malaysian Flight 370 or whatever. Yeah. The one that went down? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:15:30 Where'd he even get that made? I mean, that's crazy. Dude, the one that went down on Key West, bro. That's a fucking, that thing landed on a cock, dude. Yeah. Well, the flights have been, I think they've picked it up a little bit, but we had some crazy flights for a while,

Starting point is 00:15:43 like upside down and flights. Inside out. Yeah. Trying yeah show all these people what it's all about dude. They had run DMC flying one of the plane Run DI But yeah look at that upside down someone's it's like the movie flight with Denzel we ride Here dude, and you have to listen to DMX when you get out of that plane right? No way the plane's upside down and now of that plane right? There's no way. The plane's upside down and now we have to exit. There's no way I don't put a fucking, I don't bounce a track on my phone right there. Dude, I put on probably some DMX as you walk out. What you really want!

Starting point is 00:16:18 What you really want from a flight! I want some peanuts and a and an up upright plane It's a wacky time. There was something you had I want to talk to you about a bunch of stuff You have a new child. Yes. Yes, not mine. I can't Matt Reif Dude unreal and a lot of people thought Matt Reif is that guy who's trying to live forever. Whatever. Oh, yeah Well, he's got that beautiful face. He's shiny. He looks new.

Starting point is 00:16:47 He looks very... Yeah, a lot of people thought that that's Matt Reif. Brian Johnson. This guy... Why does the guy who lives forever have to be annoying? You know, if the guy's going to live forever, you'd like him to be fun. I know, dude. Why couldn't the guy that lives forever be...

Starting point is 00:17:01 You want like John Daly to live forever, you know? Yeah. Oh, he'll die tomorrow. Well, especially because Hooters just went bankrupt, which is crazy. Damn. He was keeping it in business, dude. I bet. I bet. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:17:14 That guy could house some wings, bro. And he would walk in and it would always be empty. Restaurant chain Hooters goes bust and files for bankruptcy protection. What is this? The Asian version? And there is a, uh, and if you can't see on the YouTube, on the video right now, there is a picture of all Asian women in Hooters attire.

Starting point is 00:17:34 Where's that photo taken? Can you give me some information? Can you scroll up or down or something? There you go. Chinese waitresses dressed in orange shorts and t-shirts cheer while welcoming the arriving guests at the Hooters restaurant in Beijing. Oh shit.

Starting point is 00:17:48 Damn, they're stealing everything from us. They got it. Hooters is going bust. The U.S. restaurant chain known for chicken wings and its skinny Hooters girls weight staff outfits has filed for bankruptcy protection. Whoa. HOA restaurant group filed for the motion for Chapter 11. It's the latest legacy restaurant chain to run into financial trouble amid high food and labor prices.

Starting point is 00:18:08 Well, is that really why? Yeah, I saw a couple of porkers in there on the last few years. Yeah, let's just say that they got probably so many articles saying that they couldn't hire good tits in there anymore. Right, right, you gotta be inclusive. Yeah. So you gotta get the wheelchair hooter.

Starting point is 00:18:25 You gotta get the downsy hooter. Yeah, you gotta get an actual owl in there. Sure. It's like, what are we doing? Yeah, it's a tough time. It's the end of an era, but we still got Twin Peaks. Ooh. Just a sleeper that they just kept low

Starting point is 00:18:41 and didn't talk and now they're still around. Yeah, that's like the Utah tits. Those tits are clean over there. They're like the Kieran Culkin. McCully's gone. He was hot for a while, but now Kieran's taken over. We gotta go to Beijing. God, dude.

Starting point is 00:18:56 I never felt comfortable at a Hooters. I like tits, I like wings, but I felt weird. It's just some girl named Stacey who's trying to make a few bucks and I'm like, can I look at her? Can I not look at her? What would I do here? There's a lot of more like I'm a model and it's like, oh, like what are you, you know, will you model those sodas over here for me? Like not in a bad way, but it's like, look, I want to support your modeling. I will tip a little bit extra. Sure. But we want to eat too. I don't want to. Yes, yes.

Starting point is 00:19:22 And then am I supposed to ogle you? Am I a creep? I never know what to do right. Are you just a waitress? Are you? It was a gray area if I have you sign my 11 year old son's back with a sharpie, right? Right a fucking sick dad or whatever exactly and then do I tip you by putting the money in your g-string? You know like like a strip club at least you know we're all here to see tits and ass everybody's on board right Hooters Was this vague thing where like, hey, while you're a pervert, order, like, let's get some fucking protein in you. And then if you go, sometimes you go with a girl.

Starting point is 00:19:54 Like you'd be at a work lunch and the whole gang would go, and you're like, I got this lady here, she's in HR and she's fat, now we got the hot blonde, and the whole thing is awkward. Yeah. And then you try to make it equal, you're like, oh, well they should have a place called Nuts that we could take you, Shelly. She's like, I'm good.

Starting point is 00:20:11 Yeah, and she's been losing her hair because she has iron deficiency or something. Anemia. Oh, that'll get you. That was my black ex. Yeah, dude, Hooters is shutting down, John Daly is gonna have nowhere. Because you know, he used to live in a Hooters he

Starting point is 00:20:25 lived in a I can see that didn't John daily live in a Hooters bring that away I thought you were joking that's amazing John Gruden had an office apparently at Hooters headquarters and John daily had a special sleeping room in there shut the fuck up where'd they hear that oh on the most recent episode of Theo Vons is best weekend You're your own reference hey, dude, this is where we are I saw John Daly overdose on Jim one night and had to get carried out of a restaurant not even a bar hell Yeah, that's awesome man. He's like a superhero this guy. Oh, yeah, he's dude He's definitely him kid rock now. We have a superhero

Starting point is 00:21:05 Yeah, we have our Avengers dude. Ah Yes, we need some more in there. We need a good woman in there. Oh, yeah. Yeah, who's a fun woman? Oh, I know who that lady that cooks and that said the n-word. What's her name? Oh Paula Dean Yeah, that's a good one boy. There's's gonna be a lot of N word in that kitchen. Oh dude, fuck dude. Maybe we should throw a black guy in just to even it out a little bit. Yes, and a keeper on her toes. Yeah, right, right. Who do we get in there? We need a good... Who's the fucking black? Maybe, um, oh, uh, oh, hold on. Uh. Kanye.

Starting point is 00:21:46 That'll really shake things up. Yeah. Now we're talking. Oh yeah. So he'll be he'll be wearing the Klan hood ironically. But now it's their Klan hood. So it's like, what do we do? What do whites do now that there's I don't want to say this is cultural appropriation. I mean, did Fubu make that?

Starting point is 00:22:03 I mean, that's our thing. Yeah. I mean, IUBU make that? I mean that's our thing. Yeah, I mean I definitely, this is... I mean it's so weird because Elon's trying to tell him, hey I'm not a Nazi and he's like, no no, I am a Nazi. Yeah. Oh it's so hard these days to figure out if you're a Nazi or not. It is fucking impossible. I mean did you ever think you'd see this many swastikas in 2020 if the whole world's gone batshit? No, and you they're not even pointed that you don't even know who they're playing like it's like there's liberal people using swastikas because they They're angry. Yes at Tesla. Yes, but now you're drawing swastika. So these poor Jews are like, oh, well, that's that means fuck me I know you're mad at that guy, but what about me? But then you also have people saying that um that

Starting point is 00:22:47 American Israel are swastika. They're using it promoting them because they're killing the Palestinians Huh, so you're saying that they're the fat like, you know what I'm saying? It's like you guys are the new Germany They're saying that Israel's a new Germany. Oh, geez. This is too much. That's what I'm saying. There's it's just it's so many layers Israel, the new Germany. Oh, geez. This is too much. That's what I'm saying. There's it's just so many layers. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:23:06 It's like what happened to a fucking the business transaction of a glory hole, dude? Exactly. You know, I mean, we're buying Greenland, Gulf of America. Canada's mad at us. Beyonce's doing country. Everything's topsy turvy. Alec Baldwin shot a lady. I mean, I can't keep up with all the shit.

Starting point is 00:23:24 It's all twisted. Ah, but at the same time is it the most exciting? It's exciting. It is, it is. It's the best of time and the worst of time, but you can open X and you're just like, Holy fuck my ass. This is crazy. Yeah, yeah. X is like a portal to like crazy town. You're just shitting like, oh, that's a bear attack, a race riot.

Starting point is 00:23:47 Oh, race riot. Black kids beat up another white kid at school. Right, right. Not a hate crime. Right. Just a tweet. Just a tweet. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:23:57 And then there's like crazy tit lady and it says, don't open this if you're alone. And I always open it. I even have to, I'm at the library. I'm like, I gotta do it. I can't resist that. It's like ten reasons why? Apples are killing your body right? Yes, and you're like fuck you got me clickbait. Yeah, huh? Did you see that bill burr thing where he yelled at the reporter? Oh?

Starting point is 00:24:18 Pull this up if you can I mean this was so cool. This is why I love the love bill He's on a red carpet for some thing. And a reporter is like trying to get him to say controversial shit. And he calls him out. I'm not gonna just have some controversial moments so you can get clicks. I'm not doing that.

Starting point is 00:24:35 I mean, I'm here to, for Conan. I'm not doing all of this. What are you gonna bring up next? The Middle East? I went to summer school, three out of four years in high school. I'm not qualified to talk about Warming

Starting point is 00:24:49 That he was ruining her face all in the view you're critical of him What do you think of all the boycotts like even the violence? I don't want to know I don't watch the news I have no idea what's going on. I watch Instagram. I watch people wipe out on motorcycles I watch lions and hyenas fight each other. This is the things that I do. And I don't think you should be asking a comedian. You're a journalist. Comedians are on top of current events.

Starting point is 00:25:12 No, no. That's weak. That's you guys passing the buck. You guys need to have balls again, which you don't. You guys always go, should we be thinking this? You guys present stuff like that. You guys used to you need you get your balls back, and it's not my job I am a dancing clown But yeah, it's so cool cuz he's like you're trying to get me to say shit so you can get clicks Yeah, you guys report. Yeah, stop put it all on me. I can get in trouble now and go viral for some Ignorant shit. I said yeah get out of here. That's a great point. Yeah, it has it's definitely become crazy now. Yeah like um

Starting point is 00:25:47 But it's because people are afraid to speak up because I think all those people feel like they'll probably lose their jobs Yeah, I think a lot of them are just caught in this old system with like if I say anything That's truthful. That's why I think why a lot of like you even see like Candice Owens you see a lot of comedians of podcasters like people are listening to them at least they They're trying to figure shit out or they're talking about things as earnestly as they think they can yeah Well, we're so divided now that if you say this opinion the other side attacks you if you say that opinion that side attacks you so The the newspapers want to sell clicks or whatever so they're just like we'll go down the middle We got to keep everybody you say the fucked-up shit. We'll report about it. Yeah, it's it's it's gross

Starting point is 00:26:28 It's a great point. He said it's passing the buck. Where's the fucking? How was it that like even during the first year of like the Gaza thing that not one? Mainstream network guy was like hey this seems kind of fucked up is that right? I thought people were taught I guess it's mostly internet people. Yeah, I think it was more internet people. But it was kind of like, hey, this, you know, or even just any side, like let's get one interview from a Palestinian guy. Oh yeah, yeah, true. That shit was just kind of crazy. Hey basketball fans, are you ready to win real money? Well check out Pick Six from DraftKings. When it comes to

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Starting point is 00:28:21 Bonus awarded as non-withdrawable Pick 6 credits that expire in 14 days. Limited time offer terms at pick six draft kings.com slash promos. UFC 314 is on the way. It's a stacked pay-per-view card taking place live from Miami, Florida. In the main event, Alexander Volkanovsky returns to face top contender Diego Lopez for the vacant featherweight championship. That's going to be a banger. Michael Chandler also takes on Patty the Baddy Pimblit in a five round co-main event.

Starting point is 00:29:00 Also on the card, Yair Rodriguez welcomes Patricio Pitbull to the UFC and the fighting nerds look to continue their UFC unbeaten streaks. You can buy now at espnplus.com slash t-h-e-o or click the link in the description below. That's UFC 314. It's this Saturday at 10 PM Eastern time only on ESPN plus pay per view. You can guarantee I will be getting it. You can buy now at ESPN PLUS.com slash THEO or click the link in the description below. Pitbull coming over from Bellator, Yair Rodriguez, one of the greats. You got Volkanovsky versus Lopez.

Starting point is 00:29:51 It's gonna be a banger. You have a new show that you're doing? Yeah, I'm working on a web series. I'm trying to sell it, but it's called Page to Stage. Page to Stage? Yeah, like you come up with a bit idea, and then you go up at Zany's and work it out, and it's clunky, and then you work it out again and again and again, and then eventually you crack it, and then you're doing it at an arena. That's the show.

Starting point is 00:30:18 So it shows the comic thinking of a bit, and then struggling with it, and then eventually figuring it out and killing with it and Like in between oh, that's an example of it right there. Yeah, we've done a couple episodes already and This is episode one. We just put out episode two Hey is this stupid? I'm bombing all day long and an expensive ticket. Oh, this is great, man. Oh, thanks. I can't believe this has never been done.

Starting point is 00:30:46 You got a dumb idea, that's how comedy starts. You take it on stage, it bombs, and you do it again. Too far. All right. All right, we'll work on that. Oh, God, we're supposed to be there. What else do you do here? You break down the bit with other friends,

Starting point is 00:31:00 kind of work on it? Exactly, like me and Sam Aril or Chris DiStefano will sit at the cellar and chop it up and try to figure out where the fun is and what angle to go with. You guys have so many just artisans up there. Oh yeah, it's like comedy college over there. It's chefs, you guys have chefs.

Starting point is 00:31:16 Yes, yes, exactly. We're down here selling hooters to fucking people. Ha ha ha ha, yeah, but this is fun, hey Shane. This is fun as hell though. I love Nashville. I mean, you got, the Zanies has opened another room. I mean, you guys are cooking. Yeah, I've been in there. That lab over there, it's great.

Starting point is 00:31:30 Great room. So yeah, this, and each episode will be a different kind. I do the first one, then it'll be, you know, Ronnie Chang and Michelle Wolf and Shane. So the show is gonna be, it's just, different examples of that. Yeah, yeah, but each one is a different comic, working on a bit.

Starting point is 00:31:46 So you could do one if you wanted, or whoever. And, Yeah, I wanna start working on some new stuff, man. I've been writing a lot of stuff. I just have to get it, start getting on stage. I think I'll go down to Austin, probably, to work on it. Ooh, I like that. I mean, that mothership, you can't beat that room.

Starting point is 00:31:59 Well, just to have this, and also there's other rooms right around there. Brian Redban has a room right there. The Creek. Yeah, they have one room there. It's called like skinny or whatever, you know, it's called, but it's like, they have Tony's room. We did it.

Starting point is 00:32:14 But they have a lot of like, yeah, it's like, um, like it's like autistic cat or whatever. Right. Right. Right. Edward Jones. Yeah. They have everything there, like save the the like, dude, things there are so progressive, but also way it's like.

Starting point is 00:32:30 I've seen like save the N words there and you're like, that is not seem. No, no. Like it's like race. It's like racist and progressive cause it's like Austin. Good intentions, but bad message. Yeah. Bad title. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:32:44 It's like, uh, save the whales, but you're talking about fat people. Yeah. No, but bad message. Yeah, title. Yeah, it's like, uh, save the whales. But you're talking about fat people. Yeah, no, but they yeah. I mean, Austin's fun because when you're working on new shit, you got to be able to bounce around. You can't just do one set every now and then. I agree. And it's even a lot of times when you're working on new stuff.

Starting point is 00:32:57 For me, it's like that third time you do it in a night, even if you don't even want to do it. Yeah, nothing comes out of it, but it's still just burning that like, every time you cook it, you just cook it. And it's like, so the next time will be good, right? 100%. You know, they say when you lift weights, the one where you're like, ah, and you can't get it up,

Starting point is 00:33:13 that's the one that matters the most. And it's the same with comedy, I think, when you're working on that new one and you don't want to say it and it's not really working, that's when you find it, when you just push it. Yeah. Yeah, dude, I have a buddy that just started comedy last week. No way.

Starting point is 00:33:28 Friend of mine from AA just started. Aren't you glad those days? I would hate to just start now. I mean, we're 20 years in or whatever the fuck. I used to watch you at open mics at fucking Lucy's Surfer Bar in New Orleans. You too, dude. Yeah, you were the guy.

Starting point is 00:33:41 You had a hot girlfriend. You had some money, had a cool haircut. I didn't. Well, I did have a very cute girlfriend. Oh, I still remember her. God had a hot girlfriend, you had some money, you had a cool haircut. I didn't have, well, I did have a very cute girlfriend. Oh, I still remember her. God, she was pretty, wasn't she? Oh, I think about her all the time. I'll be honest, I think about her a lot. Yeah, yeah, that was really something. No one had a hot girlfriend back then.

Starting point is 00:33:57 We were all losers in Louisiana. Armour walking by like some of the Saints players and they're all said, we're gonna steal your girlfriend. That sounds about right. That's what they do. And they did. That's a crazy part. No, I don't know. But yeah, dude, God, bro, when we went to Lucy's, that was fun, dude. That was not a care in the world. There was no phones. There was no, we got to get a clip. There was no video shit. It was just just for the love of the game. And they had all kind of like Dane Fochay. Remember him? Yeah,

Starting point is 00:34:22 of course. Funny guy. And then he was in that documentary, did you see that? No, what doc? I don't know if he's okay with talking about this, but bring it up, Dane Fauche. I love those old Louisiana names, Fauche, Thibodeau, Landry. Yeah, it was like... Remember Sean Patton was down there? There he is.

Starting point is 00:34:42 Oh yeah, there he is, good old Dane. I looked up to him too when I started. Oh dude, same bro. And also one of the nicest guys. Oh yeah, great guy. And he was really like, he welcomed everybody. Hey, we're doing comedy. Good to have you. And it was the first time I had like a group, like a clique. Yeah. Felt like a cult.

Starting point is 00:34:58 Dude, yeah, Dane's an awesome guy. But they had a docu- he was part of a very important docu- No, it's called Our Friend, what is it? Our Friend is a 2019 American Biographical Drama Film directed by Gabriella Cal Perthwaite and written by Brad Inglesby based on Matthew Teague's 2015 Esquire article, The Friend, Love is Not a Big Enough Word.

Starting point is 00:35:20 Geez, Jason Segal, Dakota Johns, Casey Affleck, oh, how did I not know about it? This is huge. And it's based on one of the, I think the main character is based on him. Scroll some. Oh God, are you gonna tell me he's got some disease? In a flashback to 2000, Matt, a journalist

Starting point is 00:35:37 and Nicola Theater performer live in New Orleans. She introduces Matt to Dane, a friend from college, working as a camera operator who dreams of becoming a standup comic. Oh yeah, there you go. Yeah, wow dude. Yeah dude, this is a very, this is a cool thing to watch. Good for him, yeah.

Starting point is 00:35:52 Comedy's so big right now. I mean, you're talking to presidents, vice president, Bernie Sanders, it's weird how intertwined it all is. Well I think everything's getting kind of bizarre now, you know? 100%. Everything is getting like turning into the WWE. Yes. I've been saying this for years. It's like, yeah, you can have like you can literally next month, you could have Wolf

Starting point is 00:36:13 Blitzer fighting that. Who was that like save the whales like kind of like AOC kid or whatever that was like Elliot Page representing us. Oh, David Hogg? No, you are not, it was a woman, more woman than. More woman. You are not speaking for us. Oh, Greta Thunberg.

Starting point is 00:36:36 Greta Thunberg. What happened to her, by the way? She jumped ship. Well, she started saying stuff that liberals didn't agree. She started like, oh, she was speaking out for Palestine, and now they're like, ah, fuck her. Oh, really? Well, what about the environment?

Starting point is 00:36:48 I thought that was her, she would take a steamboat from Sweden to yell at somebody on a soap box. Well, the second she wore that Palestinian garb, they're like, nah, she doesn't even make any sense anymore. Oh, damn, wow. How old is she now? Has she got an OnlyFans? I don't.

Starting point is 00:37:04 Yeah, I don't. Okay. Oh,, 22. Alright, she's of age. Oh, we're going to hell. I'm sorry. But hey, we're going together. She's got a solar powered vibrator. I got my carbon foot fetish. This is fucking crazy, bro. Are you always this funny? This is the most, you've changed my life today, bro. Are you always this funny? This is the most, you've changed my life today, dude.

Starting point is 00:37:25 Oh, I'm hungover. I'm on no sleep. So I'm just, I'm riding off gay fumes here. No sleep till Brooklyn. Yeah. No, dude, remember the other comics they had? Wild Bill, remember Wild Bill? Wild Bill Dykes.

Starting point is 00:37:41 Wild Bill Dykes, dude. He was on some TV show, like Bar Rescue, some bullshit like that. And that was, I was like, he's been on TV, and same with you. I was like, you've been on TV, I couldn't believe it. Wild fucking Bill Dykes, dude, a legend, dude. But that's the thing, you had to wait to get tapped to get on TV, and you got six seconds on some weird show, and now we got the internet, so we can just put it all out there.

Starting point is 00:38:03 Yeah. Now you can just be like, hey, I'm an alcoholic and just tell people straight up. Exactly. And a lot of comedians in the world were just alcoholics that were trying to stay away from their families or wives at night. 100%. Let's say that factually and no judgment. I didn't have a wife or anything at that time, but you'd see guys coming in, you know, have a couple in their car. Yes. Yes, exactly. We were all, I was terrified. I had stage fright like a motherfucker. We all had stage fright and salt poisoning

Starting point is 00:38:31 from living in Louisiana, the gout capital. Oh yeah, a lot of sodium. Yeah, they had that one comic, Black Gout, or whatever his name was. He was just like kind of an older black guy. Yeah, well the black comics all had like chicken fry, cornbread, red bean. Red bean.

Starting point is 00:38:46 Yep. They all had cool names, Salami Rob. Yeah, they were fun. Gumbo Jones. Spicy Child of Asian. Yeah, Sickle Cell. Sickle Cell Wilson. Johnson.

Starting point is 00:38:58 Yeah, yeah. Yeah, those were wild times. We all got along. Oh, it was so much fun. So much fun. T-Ray, remember him? T-Ray! Holy shit. He was a pro when we started.

Starting point is 00:39:09 That dude was a legend in Louisiana. He was a legend, dude. First comic I ever saw, remember the Funny Bone in Baton Rouge? They had a Funny Bone. I saw Chris Porter there in 2002 or something. And he was killing. I still remember his act.

Starting point is 00:39:24 He had a bit about he's like Smoking and drinking they go together you can drink without smoking, but you can't smoke without drinking It's kind of like you can take a piss without shitting, but you can't shit without pissing and I was like Blew my fucking mind. Where are we? Yeah God dude. Yeah, Chris Porter and that that's when he got onto Last Comic too. Yes, yes. Remember? And that's when kind of the handicapped era started on Last Comic.

Starting point is 00:39:50 With Josh Blue, who was hilarious, who made... Josh Blue was one of the best at having a disability, but also being a comedian, right? Yeah. But I think it definitely launched a wave of, you know, and it kind of ended with that guy who faked having cancer for Ellen or whatever. Oh, yeah, yeah, that was bad. That was bad. Chocolate cancer. What was that guy's name? The comedian? What was that guy's name?

Starting point is 00:40:10 I think it was Bob Melanoma. Oh yeah, I think it was. Oh, I think it was Jarvis Malignan. That's great. Yeah, he, uh, Colin Cancer Powell. It was fucking Benign Johnson. You better get that lump checked out, Peter. But yeah, he, oh that shit, I feel bad calling him out, but he got kind of called out, and then he got an HBO special,

Starting point is 00:40:35 then it all just went to shit. Yeah, just click on that right there. Whatever happened to the comedian that, Quincy Jones was his name. Jones graduated from, on August 25th, Jones was diagnosed with stage four mesothelioma and given one year to live. He began receiving treatment with chemo. Friends set up a Kickstarter for him

Starting point is 00:40:52 to produce a stand-up comedy special starring Jones. His story went viral after he appeared on Ellen. After he raised $50,000, wow, that's incredible. Jones filmed a comedy special at the Terragram Ballroom in LA, titled Burning the Light. That's a great name for it too. Yeah. Whatever happened after that, anything?

Starting point is 00:41:11 Go to that Reddit page then, let's get some real info. Well it's a weird thing when you tell people you have cancer, because then they get mad that you're alive. That's a weird place to be in life. Ah, you're still alive, fuck you. Yeah, we had a guy like that who had done a couple fundraisers or whatever, and he was still alive and people would get so fucking pissed at him. Yeah, we gave you money, we had a guy like that who had done a couple of fundraisers or whatever, and he was still alive and people would get so fucking pissed at him.

Starting point is 00:41:27 Yeah, we gave you money, we did a GoFundMe and you're supposed to be dead. Get in the coffin. Yeah, right. Get in the coffin, fuck it. Exactly. People would be like, why is he gay? Just because he lied about that.

Starting point is 00:41:38 That's true. But I remember back then I was like, oh my God, I wish I got cancer, because it was so hard to get a special or on TV. Oh, totally. I was like, oh, every mole I had, I was like, oh my god, I wish I got cancer. Because it was so hard to get a special or on TV. Oh, totally. I was like, oh, every mole I had, I was like, check this bitch. Yeah. Put me in the sun and some radiation on my ass.

Starting point is 00:41:51 I'll start smoking. I would put little fake moles on my arm and I went on stage. But whatever happened, though, the cystic ears, he may have just gotten better, which probably made it also uncomfortable for him. Is there any information? Can you scroll up or down or something? I hope he got better.

Starting point is 00:42:03 Six years old, it just says that he's still active. Oh, that's tough. That's tough, dude. You gotta get into remission. He's like the Magic Johnson of cancer. He won't die. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:42:15 That AIDS, what happened? We used to be so scared of AIDS and Magic Johnson is kicking. He beat AIDS so hard. I will tell a story though. I've told this before, but- Please. I was at a restaurant where someone

Starting point is 00:42:25 was choking to death, right? And Magic Johnson was there. So everybody, it was like a Chinese restaurant kind of place and so they brought out a wall. They brought out a little, one of those Chinese walls, they fold up. It's like a great wall. Yeah, it's like a very great wall, but it's short.

Starting point is 00:42:43 I know those. Yeah. You could change behind them or whatever. Yes. Change behind them real quick. They brought that out and started doing CPR on the guy behind the wall. And we're all just sitting there and it's kind of like a nice place. We're all eating, but everybody stopped eating because it's like, you can't eat while a guy is like choking. Of course, of course.

Starting point is 00:43:00 And they're doing CPR and shit on him. So then everybody starts kind of looking at Magic Johnson, like when do we eat? Right? He became somehow like the liaison of feasting or whatever they call it. Right. In the Greek mythology or whatever. And so everybody's watching him and you can tell he starts to feel this pressure. When do we eat? And they get the guy back, right? Oh, thank God. So you can hear him, he starts coughing.

Starting point is 00:43:28 Everybody claps, right? So everybody takes one bite and then fucking something happened immediately. And the guy coded, the guy died right there. Shut up! Yeah. Holy shit. Guy died.

Starting point is 00:43:39 Now what do you do with the food? Do you finish it? We waited like seven or eight minutes and then we ate as quiet as we've ever eaten. Oh man, that's awkward. They gotta wheel them out on the gurney and you got a mouthful of General Tso. You chew so quietly, dude.

Starting point is 00:43:53 Oh dude, and if your wife doesn't salute you like that when you eat General Tso, you're not a fucking true American Asian. Yeah, she'll get a Kung Pao. That's what I'm saying, dude. I'll fucking, yeah. I'll fucking yeah. Speaking of, did you see these Yankee bats, by the way? Oh, I've heard about this.

Starting point is 00:44:10 This is pretty well, I want to get your take on these bats. I don't know where the Yankees have, their bats are fat as shit. Oh, come on. That's what they're using now? The torpedo bat, yeah. They plump them up a little. Like in the middle? Yeah, like a weird dick that girthy in the middle then cones out.

Starting point is 00:44:29 Well that seems weird, because wouldn't the angle of the bat then affect which direction you're hitting the ball even? Yeah, I think they engineered it perfectly where it just sails it, it works every time. During spring training, someone in the organization for the Yankees had mentioned to Kay that the team's analytics department

Starting point is 00:44:44 had counseled players on where pitches tended to strike their bats and with subsequent buy-in from some of the players, bats have been designed around that information. In the hours before the Yankees' home game against the Brewers that day, Kay, who is the Yankees' play-by-play man, told the YES Network production staff about this, alerting them so they could look for an opportunity to highlight the equipment. After the Yankees club, four homers in the first inning, a camera zoomed in on Jay Chisholm's bat

Starting point is 00:45:11 in the second inning. "'You see the shape of Chisholm's bat,' K said on air. "'It's got a big barrel on it.'" Wow, and it does, it has a look towards like the, one part like a snake digesting something a bit. Yes, yes, exactly. Wow, and how are the Yankees doing so far? Was that just one good game to start off? No, they're killing it I mean you got four homers in the first inning

Starting point is 00:45:31 I mean, they're like they're on fire which they were already a good team But now they got this secret weapon other foreign to right now gang starting off big. Okay Still no Otani that guy is incredible. Oh, he's so good, man. Yeah, that's interesting. How, like, are they allowed to just change their bats like that? Can you look at why they're allowed to do that? I think it's one of those airbud things. It's other than the rule books, is you can't have a fat bat or whatever it is. Yeah. The idea of the torpedo bat is to take a size format, say 34 inches and 32 ounces, and distribute the wood in a different shape than the traditional form to ensure the fattest part

Starting point is 00:46:09 of the bat is located where the player makes the most contact. Wow. It's just a loophole. They found a loophole that's still legal. It's the same amount of wood, but they just put it in different spots of the bat. The torpedo bat moves some of the mass on the end of the bat,

Starting point is 00:46:22 about six to seven inches lower, giving it a bowling pin shape with a much thinner end. The benefits for those who like swinging with it and not everyone who has swung with it likes it are twofold. Both are rooted in logic and physics. The first is that distributing more mass to the area of most frequent contact aligns with players swing patterns and provides greater impact when the bat strikes ball. The second benefit in theory is increased bat speed.

Starting point is 00:46:46 Imagine a sledgehammer and a broomstick that both weigh 32 ounces. The sledgehammer's weight is almost all at the end, whereas the broomstick is distributed evenly. Damn. Which is easier to swing fast. The broomstick, of course. So they're saying that it's slower to swing than the new one. Yeah, but it's got more impact.

Starting point is 00:47:04 By shedding some of the weight off the end of the torpedo bat and moving it towards the middle hitters have found it swings very similarly to a traditional model but with slightly faster bat velocity. Hmm. Huh. I haven't seen a bat like that since the wet market. God, I know, huh? Damn, that's interesting. I wonder what other loopholes have I noticed? What other things? Well, there was interesting. I wonder what other loopholes have I noticed. What other things, well, there was a part where they allegedly deflated the balls some. Yeah, yeah, with the Patriots.

Starting point is 00:47:31 What else has kind of happened over the years? Lot of steroids. Yeah, steroids are so big. I don't know if that's a loophole, but yeah. I'd love to talk to Barry Bonds, it'd be crazy. Oh, man, what a run he had. I know. And he looked crazy too.

Starting point is 00:47:44 He was like a superhuman Yeah, Mark McGuire. Yeah him too. You could see it's like he's pink. He's like he's got like Ballskin on his forearms Dude, can you believe that women like used to not even be able to talk that much in that crazy? those were the days but you even imagine like you're at dinner and a guy comes up to talk and You talk to him your wife trust to say like you're at dinner and a guy comes up to talk and you talk to him and your wife tries to say something you're like, honey. Exactly.

Starting point is 00:48:08 But the flip of God let us do business here. Well women really got screwed because like they couldn't really make a lot of money back then so they needed a guy who had a house and a car and a job. So like they had to be nice and play ball. That's got to suck. You imagine the resentment built up in a lot of those women. Oh, of course. That's why a lot of imagine the resentment built up in a lot of those women? Oh, of course, of course. That's why a lot of third generation women are squatters,

Starting point is 00:48:28 I think, because it's all that resentment built up. That's true, yeah, it all comes out. That's fucking, what do you call that? Oh, what's the word when they can't vote? Oh, that's- Suppression? No, there's a word when they can't vote. We'll get it right, voter suppression. Something like that.

Starting point is 00:48:48 Suffrage, suffrage. Women's suffrage. That's women's suffrage dude. Yeah, it's a streamline brother. Yeah. That is a damn damn, huh? You ever got a squirt from a lady? I mean, oh I knew a gal that could.

Starting point is 00:49:01 Super soak? She, no, but she was just articulate. Oh damn, like she could. Oh, she could a gal that could, oh. Super soak? She know, but she was just articulate. Oh, damn. Like she could. Oh, she could fucking autograph a curtain. I knew a girl definitely that could fucking wash your cat's eyes before he could blink them. It was like those, the windshield wipe squirter,

Starting point is 00:49:19 you know, you clean the window. Oh dude, yeah. Yeah, I had a lady, it was like a fire hydrant in the black neighborhood. I mean, she would just stand up and it would gush. It was a great time, I. Yeah. Yeah. I had a lady one. It was like a like a fire hydrant in the black neighborhood I mean she would just stand up and it would gush. It was a great time. I loved it I mean my bed was ruined. Oh Dude, and there's a couple young sisters double dutching in it Oh, yeah, yeah love a squirt cuz with a female orgasm, there's not really a lot of proof, right?

Starting point is 00:49:42 So it's nice to get some results. Oh yeah, that's David Slopperfield on me. That thing is crazy, bro. Those things get going. Yeah, Squirt and Ernie. And sometimes you can't turn them off, dude. No, no, sometimes it's a problem. And it's a lot of Asians, bro.

Starting point is 00:49:57 Sesame Street. Yeah, yeah. It really is, dude. It tickled me elbow. But sometimes you're like, enough. You got to put a cork in there or an old rag. Oh, dude, it's a tickle me elbow. But sometimes you're like enough, you gotta put a cork in there or an old rag. Oh yeah, dude, that's crazy. Oh, bro, you'd have to put siding on your bed.

Starting point is 00:50:10 You need a gutter on the side of your bed just to get some runoff. You gotta clean the leaves out every year, but still. Oh yeah, dude, it was, bro, yeah, you get somebody that's a real galosh, or you'd have to fucking, somebody's like, damn, are you from Maine or something? What's even going on here? Yeah, you need rain boots. Yeah, it was crazy. Oh, you'd have to fucking, somebody's like, damn, are you from Maine or something? What's even going on here?

Starting point is 00:50:25 Yeah, you need rain boots. It was crazy. Oh, you'd have to use that stuff that you would use on your car. It was like Rain-X, remember that? Oh yeah. Dude, when Rain-X came out, we got high. Because we'd seen commercials that would make

Starting point is 00:50:39 the rain bead off the window. Yes, exactly. So we'd Rain-X our cars, get stoned, drive in the rain and watch it bead off. We'd be like, no. Oh, that's a good time. Those are the good times, dude. Yeah.

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Starting point is 00:53:17 You want kids? Yeah, I gotta get a kid, man. I mean, hey, no pressure. I don't wanna be one of those kid guys. You're like, you gotta do it, change your life. Super meaningful. I'm not doing that, I'm just saying. You'd be a good dad. Thanks, dude, no pressure. I don't wanna be one of those kid guys. You're like, you gotta do it, change your life. Super meaningful. I'm not doing that, I'm just saying. You'd be a good dad.

Starting point is 00:53:28 Thanks, dude, I appreciate it. I think, yeah, I gotta change a little bit of some of my patterns, kind of. Well, we all have some fucked up tendencies and all that. Did you have, how did you change your tendencies to meet a woman, and I know you have a child now, but how did you change your tendencies? Because you were kind of like a rost about man, huh?

Starting point is 00:53:45 Sure, a man about town, I like to paint it red, but I don't know, I just was getting older and I knew I wanted kids and then you start doing the math. You're like, all right, if I have a kid at 50, by the time he's 10, I'll be 60. You had an old dad. Yeah, I'm terrible. You know, it's tough on a kid.

Starting point is 00:54:00 It's tough. So, and I heard Bill Burr say, not to bring him up again, but he was like, I should have done this 10 years earlier. And I heard that Burr say, not to bring him up again, but he was like, I should have done this 10 years earlier. And I heard that and I was like, oh shit, maybe I should do it now. And he's the truth. Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

Starting point is 00:54:13 So. The average age of New Father in the United States has risen from 30.9, risen to 30.9 years, a significant increase from 27.4 years in 1972. Wow. Actually, I thought it'd be higher. So it's going up, so it's almost 31 years right now. Yeah, I live in New York. People are having kids at fucking 45.

Starting point is 00:54:32 Like, Shultz just had a kid, he's 41. Is he? Yeah. God, he looks great. Oh, he's a sexy, sexy man. Definitely. He looks like an old bullfighter or something. Oh, he definitely looks like the last matador.

Starting point is 00:54:44 Yeah, look at that stash and the hair. He looks like an old bullfighter or something. Oh, he definitely looks like the last matador. Yeah Look at that stash and the hair. He looks like definitely the guy that'll turn a triple play at a glory hole, you know Yeah, he looks like a like a French villain. Oh, yeah, he does dude. Oh, he's always definitely had that very like America's favorite spice trader guy, right? Like he sells knives and Bangladesh. Yeah, he definitely looks like a guy that'll sell you a secret. Yes for sure definitely. He's a unique guy Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. He's a very unique guy dude his new special I think is the best-looking comedy special I've seen he oh yeah It's it's so beautiful like the Beacon Theater's killer and the way he starts it with that montage like you get choked up I thought it was really really amazing um You have a child now, man.

Starting point is 00:55:28 Yeah, it's crazy. That's insane to see you right now and be talking to you for the past 40 minutes and then realize this guy has a human child. I mean, it'll get taken away at some point, but for now, let it ride. God, probably from ice or whatever. Yeah, there it is. Wow. Wow, what sad news source reported on that. May Planner gives birth to her first child with Mark Norman. Look at that fat little nugget there. It's got a bad hairline already.

Starting point is 00:55:53 Wow, very much has that Kevin from the office look. Yeah, yeah. Wow, your wife looks great even post-birth right there. She killed it, yeah, she looked good the whole time and she did the old C sectsect so the clam is intact. Yeah, fresh seafood. Yeah. You know what I'm saying?

Starting point is 00:56:11 Yeah, still oyster shucking. But yeah, you really get all mushy with the thing. Being as cynical as comedians are, right? What does cynical mean? Like negative and always looking at the bad, not the good, I think, something like that. I think, well, I noticed for myself, it's hard for me sometimes, or it used to be for sure.

Starting point is 00:56:29 When something was really real, like a real moment, it was hard for me to experience it as a real moment. Who are you talking to here? Yeah. Come on. I thought that was you. Yeah, I'm altism. Yeah, and so was that kinda, did that come into play at all?

Starting point is 00:56:43 Do you notice that part of you come in and you almost have to stop it? Yes, yes, but with the baby, you can't help it. Yeah, and so was that kinda, did that come into play at all? Do you notice that part of you come in and you almost have to stop it? Yes, yes, but with the baby, you can't help it. Like you're talking baby talk and you're just like gushing with love and you pour it right on him and you feel it and you go, fuck it, I'm doing it anyway.

Starting point is 00:56:57 I'm letting go, I'm gonna love this kid. So it feels really real, so it's like super real feeling. Super real, I mean, that came out of your ball bag and her stomach, I mean, the whole thing is, it's surreal that you made this thing. And it's gonna grow up and have a personality and weird addictions and thoughts on races. And that's all gonna form right there in his little noggin.

Starting point is 00:57:20 God. It's fascinating. Does it create a new relationship with your wife? Like is there now some, like, cause I've heard Schultz say that like You know you now like he would have times where he would call his wife to check on the baby and not be checking on her kind of and so like he said just there were little dynamics like that that he started to notice where Does it make like a new relationship with you and your wife does things still seem the same does it? Everything is just normal like Like any of that?

Starting point is 00:57:46 It's super different. Like the baby becomes the priority. So you start to forget about each other. You know, it just becomes like, all right, I'll take them for this moment. You take them for that moment. You feed them. Did you, did you put them down? How's that going? So it turns into scheduling and very, um, like calculated almost. So you got to stay lovey. You you gotta stay a couple. And so it's kinda like the two of you versus the baby. And you become a team, but you gotta make the team fun. You can't just go all in on logistics.

Starting point is 00:58:13 You gotta still be cuddly and sexy and all that shit and fun. And is it hard, how long do you have to wait before you can be sexually active with your spouse? I think it was six weeks. So we did like six weeks and a day before I went, and I've jizzed in her on accident. I was like, what am I doing? I'm an idiot.

Starting point is 00:58:32 This is how the Jackson five started, you know? Why would you do that? I was like, I was, I had been so long and I lasted like eight seconds and I couldn't pull out. It felt good at that warm meat pocket. So I. Dude, you knew what just happened there.

Starting point is 00:58:48 I know, I know, I'm an idiot. But hopefully she's barren at this point. But that's like, that's like, like walking out of a burning building, right? I think going into another one. And then, yeah, hold on, and then. It's like leaving tower one and going into tower two. Yeah, and it says gas above the door.

Starting point is 00:59:05 And you go in there and fucking blaze up a smoke. I know I couldn't help it. And she was like, what the fuck are you doing? And I was like, you're right. You're right. So do you think you did that? Is it almost, was it territorial or you just partying? I think I was partying.

Starting point is 00:59:17 I let loose too much. I I'm an idiot, but I'm just lucky we had a kid the normal way, the old fashioned way. Everyone else is doing the IVF and adopting and all that, so that's nice that these kids can swim. Oh, that is nice, man. I worry about that. Someone had a baby out of their butt, too. You see that?

Starting point is 00:59:35 No, no. Bring that up. An ass baby? That's tough. Well, it's a... That's some good sperm. These days, it's the only way to get into this country, it feels like. Anal birth, let's uh, that's a good sperm these days. It's the only way to get into this country. It feels like

Starting point is 00:59:46 Anal birth let's look at them That's on Apple whoa whoa Anyone else hard Bro, Jesus just the article that was wild There is something on there. Oh There are they'll come or somebody will write the article yeah Is that real huh real as they asked to have had happen wow I guess it just came out the wrong shoot You know yeah the baby a lot of them are working backwards

Starting point is 01:00:17 It's like yeah, have you ever seen those pictures of those guys that get stuck in those tunnels like in fucking Jews yeah, of course But the baby it just got off on the wrong exit. They don't have GPS. You know, they should have. Yeah. But it's like head towards the light. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah. Avoid the boom boom and go with the clam clam. Come on. God, dude, that's crazy, man. That is crazy. It's weird how close they are in that weird the butthole in the vagina. They're like an inch apart. Put them further apart. What are we doing here? It's like how close they are. Isn't that weird? The butthole and the vagina, they're like an inch apart. Put them further apart.

Starting point is 01:00:45 What are we doing here? It's like Israel and Palestine. There's two arch enemies living right next door to each other. That's ridiculous, dude. And the Gaza Strip right in the middle. What has, speaking of that, has there been like a lot of turmoil in, do you see a lot of turmoil in the state, in New York City? Oh yeah, oh yeah, it's crazy.

Starting point is 01:01:03 Is it really? It's real. I mean, Columbia University is a hotbed of controversy and they deported that guy, whatever his name, Mohammed Falafel face and yeah it's yeah and one of the food trucks went missing too ironically the same day. Bring that guy up. Is that right? Oh no. Oh I didn't hear about the old PETA. I can't believe after all the things that have been said, that's the one where you say is that right? I mean, I believe it. That shwarma is missing.

Starting point is 01:01:33 Oh, dude. Yeah, dude. Shwarms my heart. Oh, shwarms my heart. How is that not a shirt or I'm sure it's the name of a food truck. It's gotta be. Yeah. What do we know about foreign college students targeted for deportation?

Starting point is 01:01:44 Yeah. Which one did they have? The Trump administration has set off a legal and ethical firestorm by targeting international students at US colleges for deportation, including some whom the government alleges participated in pro-Palestinian protests or activities on campus. I will say, to be a Jewish guy around this has gotta be awkward.

Starting point is 01:02:03 Like, I feel like there's a lot of anti-Semitism hurled at them and no one seems to give a shit. Like, if you make black comments, it's like, it's a bad, it's national news. But I don't think anyone really gives a shit about the Jew feelings. Yeah, well, I think you have to, I think you have to be able to separate,

Starting point is 01:02:21 that's a good point. They don't get the oppression points that other groups to separate that's a good point. They don't get the they don't get the the oppression points That other groups get that's a good point Yeah, that's a good point man. Well cuz I think that they've from what I've learned They've been like a tough time finding a territory to live in right? Yes Historically that they've had a tough time finding a place to live in yeah, I think what what just hasn't helped is Been the shit in Gaza. It's like of course. I think it just hasn't helped has been the shit in Gaza. It's like, I think it's just made like, and then there's a lot of, I think people start looking then at like ownership and oppressors, right?

Starting point is 01:02:54 And I think you have a lot of Jewish people that are super successful. They're good at being successful. Oh, the best. They're on the weather. The best, right? They got it all. And so then I think it doesn't, that makes things like, I think that's where people take one bridge, go from one thing and bridge to another. Yes, yes, exactly. And there's so much nuance here too that people forget.

Starting point is 01:03:16 It's just good versus evil. But there's, there's complex shit going on here. It's a lot of layers. We want to just put black and white, but it's. It's true. There's a lot of layers. It's hard put black and white, but it's... It's true, there's a lot of layers. It's hard to figure a lot of it out. Oh yeah. Mahmoud Khalil, I can't see you talking about.

Starting point is 01:03:30 A 30 year old Columbia University International Affairs graduate student of Palestinian descent was arrested on March 8th when ICE agents appeared at his student apartment building. Can you even imagine? I would think it was like one of those fraternity things they do in the morning or whatever. Yeah, yeah, like initiation where they spray

Starting point is 01:03:46 a air horn on you or hit you with a fire extinguisher. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it was like a sigma alpha genocide or whatever and they're fucking taking you outside to tickle you until you fucking piss gin or whatever. Khalil is married to an American citizen who's pregnant with their first child. The Trump administration accused Khalil, a Palestinian activist, of supporting Hamas

Starting point is 01:04:07 and distributing pro-Hamas propaganda, though it has provided no evidence to support this claim. Wow. Yikes. It's a tough time. Fuck. Because then you also wonder like what, like if there's Israeli influence, because that's a big thing now, like how much Israeli influence is there in like American politics, you know?

Starting point is 01:04:24 Oh, that's a lot. It seems to be a ton. I feel like America's just like, it feels like we're just owned by Israel, you know? And we just never knew it. I thought we owned them. That's what I thought. Uh-oh. But here's the thing, if we're just a team, then just tell us we're a fucking team. All right, tell us anything. We're all in the dark here. Everything's going over our yarmulke. I don't know what's happening. Yeah, dude, everything's fucking sliding right over that little hair wallet. Yeah, right?

Starting point is 01:04:48 But dude, that's the thing I think that would help everybody if they would just say, hey, this is what's fucking really going on. Yes. So, because otherwise, I think you're just, there's still this ruse of pretending that people aren't gonna maybe figure it out, or if you let people start to figure out themselves

Starting point is 01:05:06 Then a lot of times people go to the worst place in their minds, right? And you pick a side and that's it. It's just fuck that side We're left in the dark with light of menorah get some light in here. Yeah, like one of the candles Do you give us three out of eight? Yeah Is it nine? I think it's eight. Yeah, Give that a check, but I think it's eight. But I agree dude and also like how to be supportive of your Jewish friends that you know, it's like... Oh, it is nine. Shit, my bad. Well done.

Starting point is 01:05:35 Labia minora. They snuck one in. Yeah, they always do. Yeah. Look at that. That's the guy they caught. He'll get laid off this though. He's got some, this has got some deported pussy. Oh, definitely, dude. He's a bad boy. He is, huh? Yeah. Mamou Kaleo speaks to members of media about the revolt for Rafah encampment at Columbia University.

Starting point is 01:05:58 Dude, I think, but also dude, the shit that's going on over there is so horrific. Here's what I think has happened in Gaza recently, right? I think they are testing a lot of like the technology and things that they've, weapons and stuff. I think they're testing it on that place. Who's they? Israel? Israel.

Starting point is 01:06:19 Oh, boy, you're obsessed with Gaza. This is really taking over a lot of your brain. Well, I'm just. Maybe I got caught in a fucking Twitter Hole the other night. Oh, yeah, that'll get you man. I had to call Sean Ryan and tell me dude. Everything is okay, right? I got scared. Yeah, holy shit But don't that that shit will make you sad don't know I agree to orbit too much. Yeah. Yeah, let's get up We'll get off of it. I mean, I I don't know enough about it

Starting point is 01:06:44 I don't either but some of it's just heartbreaking Of course how is this fucking going on? Yeah? Or is there something that we don't know then just tell us that shit like I know I know They won't tell us they think we can't handle it, but this is way worse now We're all killing each other and fighting in the streets. I agree. That's the thing It's like just tell us what is fucking going on. Yes, you know Does that make sense to you too or does sound crazy saying that no, I'm with you 100% We don't know what's going on. It's like the drones We had all these drones in New York and everybody's like is it weapons?

Starting point is 01:07:14 Is it China is it this and we're like just tell us so we go to fucking lunch and not freak out every day Yeah, I tell my niece that was Santa. Yeah, is it fucking Papa John delivering n words to be? That's a service I told my niece that was Santa. Yeah, is it fucking Papa John delivering n words to be? Yeah That's a service. Remember when he had that deal dude. Yeah black olives matter. I Don't black the black people go Papa John what the pizza of Joe I thought they were more of a domino's First of all, why don't they have more black specific businesses do interesting? It's like boo-boo or black specific businesses, dude? Interesting. You got Boo Boo. But where's the black pizza company, right? Right, right.

Starting point is 01:07:50 Yeah, that's a good question. They like to play Domino's, or maybe that's Puerto Ricans. No, but still that's close enough, right? Yeah. It's like, why is there not more, what's the top black owned pizza company? And I believe this about a lot of things, like where are the top black owned pizza company and I believe this about a lot of things like where the fucking black owned businesses yes they're out

Starting point is 01:08:09 there we just got to blow them up right there we go that's a good point so okay slimming huskies let me huskies that's in uh I think that's here yes that's in Tennessee oh there we go dude I met the owner. Bring the owner up. I met him one time over at Fenwick's here in town. Nice. Dude, you saved my day today, man. Hey, we're saving their day. Go to Slim and Huskies, get a fucking pie from these guys. Go to Slim and Huskies,

Starting point is 01:08:36 get that fucking father figure omelet. No, but go to Slim and Huskies. There they are. They're the dogs right there. Who are they? Oh, there they are right there. Clint Gray, Derek Moore, Slimanuskis. There they are. They're the dogs right there. Who are they? Oh, there they are right there. Clint Gray, Derek Moore, and Emmanuel Reed, baby. Hell yeah.

Starting point is 01:08:50 Hell yeah, dude. Get the fucking big dog special over there. The founding, the trio who are also Tennessee State U alumni, Tennessee State University. Shout out TSU, where my buddy Zeta played kicker over there, was the only white kid over there. Oh yeah, kickers are how we slide in. Oh yeah, dude.

Starting point is 01:09:08 That's it. Yeah, but my buddy John Laster, he has a thing called Blap, and it's a black app. It's like a app for black owned businesses. Really? So yeah, that's something. Get that shit. Yeah, go to Blap, check it out.

Starting point is 01:09:21 Dude, this is one thing I think that a lot of cultures and ethnicities can learn from Jewish culture. Oh. Is how to like support your culture, right? Yeah. Like, like we should do that. I think other groups should do it.

Starting point is 01:09:34 I think, um, and other, other cultures may do it better than like Christians and Muslims. Yeah. But Jewish people do it well. They support their friends. They support their,. They support their creations and the things that their friends make, you know? Yeah. I mean, they had to. I think they got pushed around. So they're like, we got to start our own shit. We got to start law firms and real estate and diamonds.

Starting point is 01:09:56 But they do a lot of stuff like invest in their children, their children, like, you know, like learning education. I think a lot can be learned from that culture, man. Is that crazy to say that? I completely agree. I mean, I'm circumcised, so there you go, we took that from them. Are you? Are you cut? Dun, dun, dun.

Starting point is 01:10:11 Oh, baby. Auction off, dude. Call in if you fuck Theo. The last inch, they call it. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Dude, yeah, let's talk about something else that's more fun, man, sorry. No, no, I mean, I'm interested.

Starting point is 01:10:24 But I think I was just curious what it's like in New York City, because you know. You can feel it, it's talk about something else that's more fun man. Sorry. No, no, I mean, I'm interested I just but I think I was just curious what it's like in New York City because you know, it's you could feel it It's there. You remember how like BLM you could feel in 2020 or whatever that was. You could just kind of feel it There was an energy. It's it's that in New York with Jew Palestine. Yeah, and it's heavy is it. Oh, yeah Wow Well, it's kind of crazy that two years ago. You couldn't even say the word Israel, it felt like on a podcast. I mean, you could always say Jews are great or whatever you say. Sure, sure. Right.

Starting point is 01:10:50 It's an interesting group, because they're cloaked in whiteness. So you can't really tell. It's the only group, like you don't like Asians. You can kind of eyeball it. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 01:11:00 But Jews, it's just like a white guy. Yeah. You know? It's just a hunk. It's like a very successful white guy. Yeah. You know? It's just a honky, it's like a very successful honky. Yeah, I mean, to get an Ari Shaffir, that's like Jewish propaganda. I mean, that's a mug. Yeah, that is.

Starting point is 01:11:13 He's working for someone. Yeah, yeah. His show's coming back. That's right. Are you going to be able to do an episode of it? I am. I'm working on a story now. I got to work on one dude.

Starting point is 01:11:24 He asked me. I just fucking, it's been hard. It's a lot now I got to work on one duty ass. I just fucking it's been hard It's a lot of work cuz you got to go out and run that state It's ten minutes of awkward weird hey is this the where the story should go and how do I end it? But you got to do it. I don't know if I can get it right now. Yeah, I'm so fucking get it ready But I think I got to do this podcast coming up Well your last one was killer with the the cab and the cocaine. That was like my first story. That was like when I started talking about being sober and shit like that. That blew up.

Starting point is 01:11:51 I mean, people really connected with that. That story was crazy. I remember one part of it, this girl laying in my lap and we were just like both, we both had been drinking or whatever, and I'm trying to like lean down and kiss her. And I couldn't get to her face You know, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, and you get so close and you're right there and she's fucking you know It's like trying to blow yourself you get so close. It's right there. God. That's a fucking Adam's apple stops you Yeah, I got a lick once but I hurt myself I like pulled a muscle. Oh, that's the worst when a guy's getting a tort all shot.

Starting point is 01:12:25 Cause he's fucking tongue washing his own cat. Yeah, I gotta do yoga or something. Oh, dude, yeah. Oh, that's the craziest though, dude. You asked Trump about Coke. Was that, give it to me straight. I've known you for a while. How scary was it having him right next to you?

Starting point is 01:12:44 Well, I'd seen him at UFC fights. I know, but this is like face to face podcasting, I mean conversation. I think I've felt for a while that things are turning into the WWE, that nobody's like super famous anymore. Things are merging pretty quick. It's like you have people who are coming up with like a crazy lyric on TikTok that are now selling out big music venues that band to have been performing for 15 years can't sell out. Right. So it's like, I think everything's just getting weird.

Starting point is 01:13:13 It's like you could have like, you know, a year and a half ago sketch that what's up, brother. That guy was probably for two months was the most popular guy in the world. Maybe totally like everything's just it's very strange now. So yeah, the lines are blurred. for two months was the most popular guy in the world maybe. Totally. Like everything's just, it's very strange now. So. Yeah, the lines are blurred. It used to be like celebrity, not, now it's just everybody's in there. Right. It used to be like,

Starting point is 01:13:33 you and I would never talk to Harrison Ford. No. Or get to, or like Kendall Jenner, you know, it's like, but now we have a chance to at least look at them as they drive by, right? Right, well, you've talked to Shalimu. I mean, he's like but now we have a chance to at least look at them as they drive by right hey right well you talked to shallow moo I mean hey like one of the biggest actors in the world you're just hanging out with him didn't ask to edit the thing or anything totally fucking normal cool dude regular guy yeah he's plowing Kendall which has got to be a or Kylie it's got

Starting point is 01:13:59 to be a good time like they're honestly like kind of like in lovebirds like when I saw it just seemed like they're like lovebirds which made you give you some hope for Hollywood because you just think like everything's so manufactured but But anyway, that's so that was part of it the second thing Oh, dude, I'd had an interview post Malone here the day before and so I was so like just burnt out Yeah, and I was just tired, you know, but I just went up there. We we flew directly there to his golf course it was crazy like rich people were everywhere like kids were driving at the bottom of the pool and bringing up mutual funds and shit like way different damn well that was was that Mar-a-Lago? it was

Starting point is 01:14:38 something fancier than that it was like it was New Jersey huh okay it was like Mar-a-Lago or something or whatever they have up there, you know? Yeah, yeah. Interesting. It was like kind of like this year, like Italian, there it is, dude. Look at that. Wow. And bro, they had ducks out there in the pond that were fucking like organized as fuck.

Starting point is 01:15:00 None of these gay ass ducks you see at the park like that are just fucking doing dope or whatever. Right. eating fucking bread from strangers These motherfuckers I saw him polish off. I think a sourdough line up in a straight line classy and perform motherfucker damn Ducks in a row. Oh, yeah, you could tell they were gonna be lunch if they didn't land every every fucking If they didn't land every move in sequence. Right. So that was crazy. Then you had secret service everywhere, right?

Starting point is 01:15:29 Oh yeah. But they're still fans, you pull in, they frisking shit and they're all like, hey, I fucking love the thing. And then you're just taking selfies with them, you're holding their gun, right? You're pointing their gun at them and they're like, it'll shoot, you know?

Starting point is 01:15:40 That's the best. I love getting the working man. Like when you get like a garbage man or a cop and he's like Hey comedy. I'm like yes. I want you as a fan. That's the best is the best Yeah, there's nothing better dude anytime if I'm walking down the street And I see a couple of guys digging in a hole or whatever hiding the bodies or whatever Jews again Yeah, our funneling monies for fucking Schwab through one of those Fucking Yiddish mattress sale tunnels or whatever. I always stop and get photos with those guys. Oh, buddy that does something real

Starting point is 01:16:10 Yes, yes, and those are the most sane guys by the way Yeah, by the way, we you see that Adam Corolla went on some rant where he's like, you know, we hate dudes But like who do you think's fixing the LA fires? It's just a bunch of dudes getting in there and getting their hands dirty and building shit He's got a point and like that's what's so annoying about politics That's why I can't pick a side or it's so like Gavin Newsom's got a pocket. He's talking to Steve Bannon He's like, yeah, these trends are crazy. And you're like, he's like we've got too many regulations in California Like you're the guy right? You're the you do the governor you, Dickless! Change it! Why are you telling us about it?

Starting point is 01:16:46 Well, it's the same thing with America, even in America's support in the Gaza stuff. It's like, then your complicity, it's like all of a sudden we're complicit in it. That's what makes everything so tricky. It's like, are we standing up for ourselves? Are we not standing up for ourselves? Who are we supposed to support? It used to feel like we knew what was supposed to happen. Yeah, yeah, that's true. It used to feel like we knew what was supposed to happen. Yeah, yeah, that's true. It used to feel like we knew. And whether we were right or wrong or just being fed like sheep, you still knew where to go.

Starting point is 01:17:13 Even if we were wrong, you knew what America stood for or whatever the fuck. But then it brings you back to like, I think the Vietnam times when you saw those protests. Oh, yeah. Because I used to hear about the protestors in Vietnam. I'm like, what would they be protesting? Like, we're doing this war. That's what's supposed to happen But then you realize that there was a group of people who ended up being a lot of times some of the coolest people Uh-huh who were like this isn't right, right? Right who didn't believe like the propaganda machine Yeah, so it's crazy that if things could even get out then that the same kind of it's just so I don't know

Starting point is 01:17:42 It's just interesting man it is it is and I think the cracks are opening up because the internet and everybody's talking and Sometimes there's too many people talking but yeah, you can kind of start to see the bullshit a little more now There's more light on it. Yeah, it's just crazy because then it's like what happens you just got to take care of yourself Take care of your loved ones. That's got to be important. That's one good thing about a kid It just you focus. You're not thinking about Twitter, you're not thinking about this, you're just like,

Starting point is 01:18:08 ah, this kid has got a shit diaper, and I gotta change it, and that's it. Really? Oh yeah, so it kind of just, it makes you, you got one problem, you don't have a million problems. Yeah. It's just, get this kid to not have Down syndrome. And when do you find that out? I think pretty early, that's why you see less of them now.

Starting point is 01:18:27 I think people are nipping that in the bud. I know, it's sad, because you like seeing one every now and then. Oh yeah, man. Especially, well they started, I hate to say this. Oh baby. They got more talented over the past 20 years. Yeah, there's a lot of models, Downsy models. They got more talented over the past 20 years. Oh yeah, there's a lot of models, Downsy models.

Starting point is 01:18:47 They got more talented and I got proven wrong. I had always known that Downs Center and people couldn't walk backwards, right? Is that right? Whoa. That had always been a big thing in our area, but now a woman disproved me on that. Oh, good for her. This is like the Jackie Robinson of Downs. Oh yeah, dude, good for her. This is like the Jackie Robinson of Downs. Oh, yeah, dude. Good for her. Oh, yeah, that's it. I mean, I don't know that the moment is past, but yeah, I play it. He goes on a hell of a rant. Does he? Yeah. They give a shit about young

Starting point is 01:19:17 dudes now because they're losing their demo. They were the enemy. Young white dudes were always the enemy or heterosexual dudes or whatever and now they they lost they're losing their constituencies so now they have to pretend to get a spot. She signed an executive order aimed at increasing young men's enrollment in education and skill training programs so yeah they're doing some uh catch up right now. Yeah okay perhaps you shouldn't have uh waged war on them for the last 15 years. Amen. Fucking retards. That would have been nice.

Starting point is 01:19:48 We got a clip of a neglect of toxic masculinity and all you assholes. Shut up. Your Connecticut governor trying to... By the way, can I just let me say this. Let me just say this. Please listen to me, everyone. I toured the sites of Alta Dena and the Palisades and Malibu. There's a whole bunch of people with dicks and balls who are fucking driving excavators in trucks and operating all the heavy equipment, all the fucking people you hate, all the people who didn't go to college, all the guys with the cocks in the balls, all the guys who don't give you their pronouns,

Starting point is 01:20:34 that place has been completely rebuilt by just them. Amen. Nobody looks like you, nobody uses pronouns, no he-shees, none of your fucking freak shows None of your Admiral Levine's nobody looks like that. It's just a bunch of fucking dudes Who go by he and him fuck? Yeah, that's good Yeah, you need Mike Rose children in there every now and then dude. That's what you need, but it's a great point It's like you trying to build this you're gonna have places that are gonna fall apart

Starting point is 01:21:06 You know at some point guys are gonna like we're not rebuilding for these motherfuckers anymore. That's true We're gonna have a military that's like I'm not fighting this fucking war for you anymore. You go fucking figure it out, right? Right exactly. That's why they contract military guys in there, so they're fucked a lot of times people realize that that's good point But also the the binary world we live in now everything's got to be like I said black vs White so women hear that they go. Oh you hate women like no no we love women women are awesome Martha Stewart rules But can't we both be awesome? Why do we have to have one of the other like all these men talking about they're complaining fuck men women are great You're like yeah women are great, but why can't men be great too. Let's just both be great

Starting point is 01:21:43 Yeah, they yeah, but it's like I don't know sorry went's just both be great. Yeah, but it's like, I don't know. Sorry, went off on a road again. No, no. But it's just a weird time, it's a heightened time. It is, it is. And I think we used to go at each other racially, and now that I feel like racial harmony, obviously we're never gonna be perfect,

Starting point is 01:21:59 but now we just go at each other opinion-y. You don't agree with me, you don't agree with me, fuck you, I'll kill you. It used to be, we used to be divided up in different ways, mostly by race, you know, back in the fifties, whites only, blacks only. But now it's like we're divided by opinion. And it's, uh, if you don't agree with somebody, they just take it personally and then they lash out at you and you're like, ah, but not agreeing on everything is I like pussy, gay guys like dick, you know, we don't have to fight about it Yeah, we're both going to Cincinnati

Starting point is 01:22:28 Exactly, but they know that's a great point Tell me a little bit more about that man Cuz I think I fall victim to that too sometimes like kind of say that again for me well, we everything is opinion and and What side you're on and what stance you take. And if you don't agree with that opinion fully or one little thing, not even fully, one little thing about it, I don't buy that part. Then they just turn on you and they go, you're the enemy.

Starting point is 01:22:55 And you're like, well, how'd we get here? And we gotta just start going, oh, you think that, why? Oh, I never thought of it that way. I mean, I still think this, but you think that and can't we all get along? Yeah, why do we get so attached to our? I think because we have no identity anymore. People have no identity, everything's so E.

Starting point is 01:23:13 We got modernity, we got a phone, we got Uber Eats up our ass, we got anything, you just get shit delivered to your house and no one's living anymore, no one's like connecting. You know, we used to have kind of a community and this all this shit has been said before but I think before you actually had to like do shit and get your hands dirty and now everything's given to us and if something doesn't go our way we don't know how to handle anymore. Where shit used to not go your way at all back in the day.

Starting point is 01:23:41 Like your fucking kids would die, so you had another kid or you know. It used to be your kids would die you would have another kid like two days later. Yeah and everybody just got along and dealt with it. There wasn't like a guy going my kid died I'm bummed out I'm doing a GoFundMe and everybody goes you're so brave good for you. Right and they would even name the new kid the same name as the other kid. It would be like Matthew the second or whatever. Yes. Matthew 2 like it was all like one of those Apollo returning things or whatever. It was a sequel.

Starting point is 01:24:09 Yeah. Avengers nine or Fast and the Furious. This is Fast and the Furious, this is Avengers eight. Yeah, bro, that's such a good point, man. Wow. It doesn't have to be like this, but I think it gives you an identity and a personality to attack, oh, if Theo thinks this, I'm gonna go against Theo because I'm this and I got to show everybody on this

Starting point is 01:24:29 I got to plant my flag, right? Yeah, and that's what they call identity politics, right? I guess so. Yeah Bad news. What is the term identity politics? Bring it up I just want to see what it means So I know and everybody has to start us in as a white man as as a black woman, as a gay Jew, as a queefy bitch. Identity politics is politics based on a particular identity such as ethnicity, race, nationality, religion, denomination, gender, sexual orientation, social background, political affiliation, caste, age, disability, intelligence, and social class. What's kind of interesting, because you also have to represent, like you have to speak up sometimes for where you're from.

Starting point is 01:25:03 Like, you know, otherwise your group can get totally just trampled over I guess so but at the same time it's like but there's a hierarchy that's part of the problem too it's like black trans is more important than right like a lady yeah yeah then Asian Sagittarius or whatever yeah yeah but three Asian Sagittarius is beat one black trans. Exactly, it's like poker now. Yeah. You gotta roll flush.

Starting point is 01:25:28 Oh, left-handed gay dude from Minneapolis? Forget about it. Yeah, but that's the other thing is we have to have all these differences. Like black versus white, whatever. But really when you think about it, we can find a difference anywhere and hate somebody. Like the Hutus and the Tutsis, they're all black,

Starting point is 01:25:44 but they just hate each other for some Religious reason I'm a too stupid to know. Oh, I'm too stupid, too Dude, but what I'm saying is if they join together and just attacked whoever owned the fucking land right near them There you go, then they would make some progress. That's a perfect example The Bloods in the Crips it just it just comes down to clothing at that point. You know, it's blue versus red. It's silly. Yeah. I, um, it was something you said a second ago that was really great. Oh, the... Oh, these tariffs are getting out of control.

Starting point is 01:26:15 Oh, yeah. The tariffs are getting out of control. All the everyday items that will cost Americans more following Donald Trump's global tariffs. But here's the thing with tariffs. Is the goal of tariffs is that if they, if it costs more for people to bring their products in, then they'll build them here. Yes, that's part of it, yeah. So it's kind of a long-term play.

Starting point is 01:26:34 It's gonna take a while. It's gonna be bumpy for a while, but that's if it works. So we'll see, but it might take 10 years. Right, if we don't try this though, then I think it's a wrap Oh, you can just go for it bite bite the belt and go for it I do because I think at this point even from my own perception We'd probably on this tour this comedy tour been probably the top 200 cities like size wise in America

Starting point is 01:26:57 maybe maybe even more than that and a Lot of them. there's nothing there. Yes. It's empty downtowns. Oh yeah, it's that boarded up. We're in Amarillo, it's empty downtown. Shreveport, Louisiana was empty downtown.

Starting point is 01:27:14 Toledo, Ohio, right? It's getting a little bit better there. But, and that's just a few. I mean, a lot of places, Montgomery, just empty. And so you start to be like, nothing's gonna change, there's nothing coming that's gonna make that different, right? And maybe it doesn't matter, maybe that's just how society

Starting point is 01:27:33 changes and evolves and we just end up with like seven big cities in America and the rest of it is just like rural land where people live and have great lives but they're not in like a city and these things fall by the wayside. And don't forget, we got automation coming, we got AI coming, so like jobs are going away quick, and everything's digital now, there's nothing manufactured here.

Starting point is 01:27:55 And why do we keep building? Right, and that's one of the things that people say, well even if you bring jobs back here, those jobs are gonna disappear because of AI anyway. Oh, yeah. That's one of the side, that's one of the other arguments against doing the tariffs at all.

Starting point is 01:28:09 Damn, Alan Iverson. It's fucking, it's weird, man. And then the weirdest thing you start to realize, I feel like, is that you're just a member of your government, whatever the choices they're making. Yeah. That's something that's been big recently. It's like, oh, whatever choice the government makes, I'm a member of this country.

Starting point is 01:28:27 But if you, if you don't, if they don't make you feel like you're a part of something, like there's no benefits to being a member at a certain point, you're like, damn, it's a weird club to be in. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe we've got to overthrow the government. Maybe that's what's, what's next. How do you do that? Do you think? I think we got, we got them outnumbered. I mean, we got a lot of people here.

Starting point is 01:28:45 Right. And we can, you know, send out a couple tweets and texts and get everybody on board. People have guns. You probably got a gun. So there you go. We'll get in there and shoot some people. And where do you meet up, you think? A Dollar General or something? Yeah. You know, some nice community place we all know about. And we'll meet at the KFC slash slash Taco Bell get a meal and revolt. Yeah Did a belly full of fun? Oh

Starting point is 01:29:11 That's a gas chamber. Oh and those pizzas came out. They were so good remember that nice. Oh the Mexican pizza Amazing that'll make you want to open the border God remember how fucking good they and when they first came out. I think they might have had even real meat in them, dude God remember how fucking good they and when they first came out. I think they might have had even real meat in them, dude Those were the days and someone pooped in the meat over in mandeville Really? Oh the whole town didn't know what to do. There were people crying over at the parking lot Did you tell the difference? I don't know if you could or not somebody. I don't know who had it now That's the thing. We never found out who had it, but they really busted it Run a research on that poop in the meat over there,

Starting point is 01:29:45 Taco Bell. Well, what do you think it is now, a horse or a dog? Mandeville, Louisiana. I'm not sure. It tastes damn good either way. I love Taco Bell. That's probably my favorite fast food. Pseudologous feces found in Taco Bell item, there you go.

Starting point is 01:30:01 A new lawsuit has been filed against Taco Bell Restaurant just months after the company settled a series of lawsuits out of court following a 1995 hepatitis outbreak. In the suit filed Wednesday, Third District, an anonymous couple and their 10 year old son alleged the boy found feces in a soft-shelled taco. Damn.

Starting point is 01:30:24 Bought at a drive-up window at the Cottonwood Heights Taco Bell, Fort Union Boulevard. Oh, this isn't in my town, this is Salt Lake City, man. Oh, imagine eating that, that chipupa. I know, oh God. Damn, you gotta put a lot of fire sauce on that turd. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:30:40 Just to get it down. Just to get that motherfucker down. Yeah, you ever tasted shit? I don't think so. Have you had any accident with the baby being around? Oh, well they say shit's on everything. Your keyboard is apparently a fucking cesspool of flit water. But yeah, I mean I've tasted piss. That was not pleasant. Oh, I've had a little even during a fast one time. I was fasting for like three or four days.

Starting point is 01:31:05 I was in the shower and I fucking, you don't even realize what you're doing. Wait, how did you get the piss in your mouth? I'll piss straight up. Damn, that's impressive. Piss straight up, yeah. You got a good stream. I can piss straight to the top of my head

Starting point is 01:31:16 if I'm standing there. No way. Yeah. That's, damn, that's not easy, especially at our age. I can piss really good, man. Wow. Thank you. I can piss pretty, I'm trying to think. Yeah, I can piss pretty good. and then you just get a fucking yeah, I've been fasting and I took a side sip off that bitch You gotta try it once I'll show them yeah, it's a weird flavor. It's tangy as shit. Yeah, it's very um it's kind of like hot coffee

Starting point is 01:31:40 That's what my ex-girlfriend used to say Really she's a keeper. I let her go, unfortunately. Damn. God, dude. What's she up to now? Hanging out with R. Kelly, I guess. I know.

Starting point is 01:31:52 Working in, I'm not even sure. Probably working at that geyser park in National Geographic, dude. Hot Springs, baby. What else do we want to talk about, dude? Well, I think the world is on fire know on fire. So buy buy some whiskey I'm selling a whiskey out there me and Sam started a bodega cat. You got it. Yeah. Yeah, it's not legal in Tennessee yet But we're gonna get it here. God damn it. Let me see if what we can do here, please

Starting point is 01:32:17 The red tape is bananas. It is. Yeah, it's so hard to get it places. Is it? Oh, yeah, you got it It's all mob run. it's all super mobby and you gotta like work your way in. Yeah, there's all these old fashioned rules and shit. Damn. Yeah, Sam's drinking it on Seth Meyers right there. Oh, he took it on there? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:32:35 So Bodega Cats, so didn't they just have an issue too about Bodega Cats in New York? Probably, they're always there. That's where we got the idea. Really? Yeah, we just, you want a bodega. There's always a cat sleeping on the bread and you always go, it warms your heart. So we go, hey, how about a whiskey? That'll warm your heart. Yeah, I love that idea. Bodega cats make New Yorkers hearts purr even if they violate state

Starting point is 01:32:57 regulations. Oh yeah, I'm sure it's a health code thing, but how cute. But they had rat issue there, so of course you can have cats. You can't get fucking mad. Exactly. You need a bodega cat. You need them. New York City's bodega cats are beloved fixtures in the Big Apple, but they're on the wrong side of the law. Ooh.

Starting point is 01:33:11 The convenience store cats that live at many of the city's bodegas and delis look innocent enough, spending their days lounging in sun-soaked storefronts or slinking between shelves of snack foods as they collect friendly pets from customers. State law bars most animals from stores that sell food with bodega owners potentially facing fines. You can't bill these fucking guys. They're probably charging these cats to even be in the city after 4pm I bet.

Starting point is 01:33:32 Yeah right? But you need it. It's old school. You get rid of the rat, you get a cat. That's like as old as time. But the rats hate the cat. It's like an Indian with deodorant. They don't get along. Oh yeah bro. Oh it's that full body shwarma, brother. Oh yeah, it's palpable. Oh, it's that scurry. I'll fucking run from that shit. If I smell it, I gotta go. Oh yeah. That's crazy. So Bodega Cat is a new, it's a whiskey. It's a rye whiskey. Yeah, it's been around for a while. We're just, it's such a slow process. We're getting it one bar at a time. We got it in all the comedy clubs, a lot of theaters. Do you yeah, is it down at the?

Starting point is 01:34:09 Mothership it is yes, that's awesome. So if you were at the mothership you can order bodega cat. Yeah, is it a good whiskey? It's a great whiskey. We taste-tested a million of them. We've had like experts try it and they like it We got at the Comedy, the Comedy Cellar. I mean, it's all over. Really? Oh yeah, coast to coast. And is it, it has alcohol in it? It is a big bottle of whiskey, yeah.

Starting point is 01:34:34 Okay, so you can't, so yeah, if you can't drink, you can't drink, but you could get one for a friend. Yeah. You could watch your dad drink it, watch your mom drink it. Do you mix it with something? You can have it straight up. It's got a nice spice to it, or you can put soda water or coke or whatever the hell.

Starting point is 01:34:49 Bad decisions, mix it up. Bodega cat, dude, I wanna see you guys win with this. We're trying, we wanna retire on this puppy. And it's, people seem to like it when they try it, so get a bottle. I love that, and this is you and? Sam Morrill. Oh, that's hilarious, dude. Yeah, just a couple of old pals who we feel like we're... You're sober now. Everybody got sober on us.

Starting point is 01:35:10 So we're like the last men barely standing. You know, we're uh... You're talking about Shane. Yeah, Shane. But he's a beer guy. Yeah. So we like the liquor. So like Dan Soder, Joe List, all these guys. They got sober. Burt's out there.

Starting point is 01:35:26 Yeah, Burt is definitely the Neil Armstrong of alcohol. Yeah. Whatever that guy is, he's just out on the moon. Yes, one small step for alcoholism. Yeah, I'm just trying to think if there's something else we should talk about. Go through the news really quick story that there's a couple.

Starting point is 01:35:43 Trump had that gold card thing for wealthy immigrants to expedite citizenship. Yeah. Oh, that's doing well. we should talk about go through the news really quick story that there's a couple Yeah, oh that's doing well, oh that gold card. Yeah, Trump had that gold card. Is it doing well? I heard they sold a thousand of them already. No, which is what what's that five? Million I'm an idiot times one thousand that is uh 500 million. Thank you. That's a lot of scratch. No, it's more than that. It's five billion.

Starting point is 01:36:10 Is it? Jesus. Do five million times 1,000, God. We should know this. Five billion, you had it. You had it. The second time. Second time, Asian.

Starting point is 01:36:22 Think Tam and he perish. Yeah, that's AI is gonna take over He pulled out the trunk car president Trump proudly showed off the design of his administration's new five million dollar gold card to reporters aboard Air Force one on Thursday. Let me just see what it looks like dude. Yeah Are they selling commemorative ones? They have to be that's a smart move, but does it look like a Walmart card or like a Costco? It's got to look cool. Oh Damn, it looks Chinese, that's like Mao. Bro!

Starting point is 01:36:47 Fucking so Mao, dude. Bro, and yeah, but that's wild that they're selling those. What do you think about that? Because now it's like, you can just be a citizen with five million bucks. Well, I feel like if you got five mil to throw away to get into America, you wanna get here. And you're not like a poor guy.

Starting point is 01:37:03 Right. So you probably have, you're probably doing all right. So yeah, bring them in. So it's become like a home for the elites. This has become a, it's become the central pair or whatever. There you go. Of humanity, but do they still have to pass immigration tests? What is the rules with that?

Starting point is 01:37:19 Good question. You hope so. You still, you can't just buy your way in. You got to still do the homework. Dude, I'm gonna do that. If I get to meet him again, I'm gonna ask him if I can have one of those as a gift. Oh my God, but you're already in.

Starting point is 01:37:32 You don't need one. But I'll stay in. Yeah, you can frame that bitch. I'm staying in, Mom. You can use that at every bar. Hey, you want my ID? Goldie, suck it. Well, what does it say?

Starting point is 01:37:42 Does he have any other information on it? Sydney Sweeney could sell a few of those to her box I'll tell you that god dude. I can't believe you came in your wife again. I know I gotta get my shit together Mark yeah, I'm an idiot. We'll see what happens. She's very she's very fertile is she oh yeah fertile Myrtle over here You could throw a like it... I've never done that. You've never gotten a lady pregnant? I've never ejaculated in a woman. What?

Starting point is 01:38:10 Yeah. Wow. I've talked about this before, yeah, my whole life I haven't. That's... boy, you got good willpower. Even when you were drinking? Yeah. Man, I'm impressed. Good will spunking, that's my...

Starting point is 01:38:21 That's my movie coming out. Fuck it. That's my movie coming out. The proposal aims to supplement or replace the existing EB-5 immigrant investors visa program, which required foreign investors to create or preserve 10 permanent full-time jobs for US workers. The gold card simplifies this process by allowing the wealthy foreigners to pay $5 million for a visa, granting them green card privileges

Starting point is 01:38:44 and a route to citizenship. Do they still have to pass immigration? Let me see. At the White House press conference on February 26, Trump and the US Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick introduced the concept of a gold card as a new pathway to US citizenship. It's not a bad idea that there's this golden ticket kind of, because at least they're making

Starting point is 01:39:06 money off it. I'm just curious to see. They've talked about getting rid of the FED, getting rid of the IRS, if that shit can happen. Yeah, that's some big moves. Very radical. It'd be crazy, and we wouldn't have to pay taxes anymore. Like just... Well, we used to not have income tax in America back in the day.

Starting point is 01:39:21 I know. That came up later. It'd be nice to get back to that. Oh, and we could use it. I mean, eggs are $ million dollars now. Are they? Eggs are way through the roof. Yeah, they busted more people bringing eggs in than they busted fentanyl dealers, which is kind of insane. Is that a joke? No. Whoa, how do you carry that in? I mean, fentanyl, at least you can throw it in a car tire or something, but eggs, you got to really... You got to hide that. Shipping and handling. I know, that's a good point, huh? You have to walk real slow with them bouncing your head.

Starting point is 01:39:48 U.S. sees large rise in border seizures of eggs while fentanyl rates fall. Damn, well, at least fentanyl's going down. With egg prices soaring due to the bird flu outbreak, border officials say they're catching more people attempting to bring eggs in the United States illegally. U.S. Customs and Border Protection said this week that seizure of raw eggs have risen by 48% at entry points.

Starting point is 01:40:07 Damn. In fact, sharp increases in egg seizures are outpacing border's official interceptions of deadly fentanyl. It's so much easier to catch an egg though. Of course, of course. You just shake a guy and then watch it run down his leg. Yeah. We gotta get a chicken. What are we doing? Just get your own chicken. You'll be like, it's like growing your own weed now.

Starting point is 01:40:28 Yeah, it really is, dude. Dude, make a fucking Fenton Omelet. That's what I would do. Who the hell thinks that's gotta go, man? And then you wonder, do the chickens know about the egg prices? They'd probably feel pretty good about themselves. Like, damn, I'm shitting out gold here.

Starting point is 01:40:42 Yeah, imagine the pride they would walk around with, huh? Exactly. Bacock! And now Hooters is is gone so they're not getting chopped up for the wings. Chickens are living the dream. Dude I quit the last Hooters I went to was that one around the fucking West Bank over there. Oh, yeah The one where Anthony Davis... No! Look at that! Oh shit, I even realized that that's crazy. Dude I did not realize that. That's where Anthony Davis allegedly knocked up the waitress remember that? Yes Hoot that on the back, baby? Yeah, that was a great Hooters. God, it was pretty good over there. Oh, yeah, but if RFK saw us eating that he'd shit the bed. I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, it'd be crazy to see what would happen, man. If they stop Hooters,

Starting point is 01:41:19 we're all gonna be in bad off. We do need better food. I think like a lot of people get mad about RFK when I'm like, we are sick, we are fat, we are obese, and we are, we pay the most in health care and we're the least healthy. And racism too. Sure, I can't really fix that. But you don't see somebody fasting that's using the fucking racial slurs.

Starting point is 01:41:38 That's true. You don't see somebody fasting, yelling out of their fucking window with their last living available energy. Right, but if you yell the N word, you better run fast. You gotta get the hell out of their fucking window with their last like living available energy right but if you yell the n-word you better run fast you gotta get the hell out of there yeah you gotta be fast yeah that's a different kind of fasting one more thing anything else you want to talk about again for you believe marketing oh boy I feel like we covered a lot I mean we did we took we totally did you got to ask out Sydney Sweeney that could be your new your next

Starting point is 01:42:04 kid could be a Sweeney She's gonna be upset that we talked about her breasts. I bet in the beginning. Yeah, I think she's hurt at all I mean she imagined the fucking Creepos DM and her it's a good point. Yeah, and you're telling me to DM her now. Wow, but you're a nice guy You're successful. You're funny. She's gonna be upset though, but we were just joking. Yeah, of course. We're joking, you know We were just joking dude. I just watched white lotus season one. That was great were just joking. Yeah, of course, we're joking, you know. We were just joking, dude. I just watched White Lotus season one, that was great. Oh, nice, yeah.

Starting point is 01:42:29 Two is good, and three is bananas. It is? I mean, they upped it. I can't even imagine. It's naughty, it's dark, and don't watch it with your parents, I'll just say that. Tuesdays with stories, that's it? Tuesdays with stories, and we might be drunk.

Starting point is 01:42:43 Those are the pods. Yeah, I still gotta fucking come up there, man. We'd love to have you. It's an open invite anytime. I owe you, man. Man, no problem. I know you're a busy queef. You know, what about Luigi?

Starting point is 01:42:56 I heard he's going to the death chair. Mangione? Yeah. Oh yeah. Did he really? I heard he's getting the death penalty. Maybe I'm wrong. But yeah, look at that guy. Kind of pisses me off, man.

Starting point is 01:43:10 The irony. Well, it sucks that he did this. You know, you shouldn't go around killing people, but it didn't change anything. That's the worst part. Well, it just shows you, man. I mean, I saw a Luigi Mangione facing a slew of federal and state charges in the sling of healthcare CEO Brian Thompson could be sentenced to death if he's convicted of federal murder charges and what criminal justice experts say was a rare but unsurprising move to pursue the death penalty by the Justice Department this week. Wow.

Starting point is 01:43:38 Damn. Dude, remember Attorney General Pam Bondi announced Tuesday that she's instructed federal prosecutors to seek the death penalty for Mangione 26. Dude, remember what happened with those Epstein binders? Remember that shit? Oh, yeah, that and the JFK that just kind of went away. Well, I think there was nothing new in the JFK, right? I think everybody just kind of like, it feels like there's nothing new there. But remember the binders? They gave them all to these like six, like kind of bizarre influencers.

Starting point is 01:44:04 Yeah. And look, I mean, bro, how staged, this is the most staged thing ever, right? Yeah, and they can't be like, today's the day, it's coming out. And you're like, what are you doing to me? And then nothing has happened since then. No, they're edging us with this list.

Starting point is 01:44:16 Yeah. How could it take this many years? How fake or procured? It's almost like you're just, I bet in the background, they are threatening everybody, you're going to be on this list. Yeah. If you don't fucking file suit right now. That's got to be it. It's leverage. And then look at this binders. I mean how

Starting point is 01:44:34 fake is that? Well we got Jislaine. She's just sitting in a jail cell. Let's talk to that broad. Who is it? Jislaine Maxwell. She did all the recruiting. Oh yeah. She was like the, she did the college recruiting or whatever. Yeah, yeah. She ran the portal. Yes, exactly. The portal. Yeah, she's around. We can talk to her, but no. That's a good point. Where is she? What is she up there?

Starting point is 01:44:57 I think she's sitting in a jail cell, like, living it up. It's getting fucking interesting in the world, guys. If you want to live in an interesting time, fucking, this is it This is it you like playing the game clue. This is it man. That's it every day is clue You know it's a school shooter in the homeroom with the AK. Yeah every day, dude the Pelicans suck still yeah, yeah, they fucking suck. What else is new? Yep. That's it Saints

Starting point is 01:45:26 You hope to form next season always always I feel like we got one Super Bowl win in 2010 and it's It's all downhill, but we had the the Super Bowl in New Orleans looked fucking amazing. Did you go? No, I killed me I was texting Gillis. I was taking Bert like I had so much FOMO cuz you know, we're from there and it was just We should have been there the city was alive. We should have been there. I just had a kid so I couldn't leave Oh that kid's only a couple months old yeah two months Wow crazy is it do you really miss it when you're gone from it? I do he's in the car right now, but you're lying no no but Yeah, he's Coffee or something

Starting point is 01:46:04 That's a lot, man. Congratulations, dude. I feel like I didn't ask you enough about your kids. No, no, it's everybody's got a kid. Retards and crackheads have kids, you know. It's not that big of a deal. Is it fun having a kid in the city or does it make you start to think about moving out? Well I got lucky.

Starting point is 01:46:19 Me and the lady, we had the kid on the way so we moved to Brooklyn. We got a backyard, we got some space so that helps Okay, but I just I like New York. Yeah, so we're staying. You're an energy you like you're that guy. Yeah Comedy Mark Norman, thanks so much dude. You have your new series. That's on YouTube It's on a punch up live which is like a paywall kind of thing. Okay, so go to punch up live com page to stage okay page to stage you got it and And you have your two podcasts Tuesdays with stories, yep, and we might be drunk we might be drunk

Starting point is 01:46:55 Mark Norman, thanks so much. You have a blast at kill Tony man, and thank you can even say you're doing it and Who dat dude who dat for! Good to see you buddy. Thank you bro. I'll share this piece of mind I found. I can feel it in my bones, but it's gonna take a little... Podcasting was a revolution until big tech and big money started rewriting the rules. What's a podcast the revolution redefined is an urgent new docu-series featuring exclusive insights from industry experts like A.J. Feliciano, General Manager of The Roost. I still want to kill the word podcast.

Starting point is 01:47:50 Plus, pioneers like Ira Glass, Adam Carolla, Leo Laporte, Guy Raz, and more. If you care about the future of podcasting, listen now to What's a Podcast, wherever you get your podcasts.

This Past Weekend - E574 Mark Normand

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