This Past Weekend - Feeling That Yule | This Past Weekend #251

Episode Date: December 23, 2019

Audio file corrupted at 53:00 - 1:14, hence the lesser quality. Thank you for understanding and Merry Christmas!   Subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts http://bit.ly/ThisPastWeekend_     -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------   New Merch https://theovonstore.com    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Butcher Box https://ButcherBox.com and use code THEO for a special offer   BetterHelp https://BetterHelp.com/THEO for 10% off your first month   Bex https://BexSunglasses.com and use code THEO for 20% off your order -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------   Hit the Hotline [phone]   Video Hotline Upload here: http://bit.ly/TPW_VideoHotline  -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------   Find Theo   Website: https://theovon.com  Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend  Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCiEKV_MOhwZ7OEcgFyLKilw   -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------   Producer Nick https://instagram.com/realnickdavis    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Patreon Gunt Squad   Name Aaron Rasche Adam White Alaskan Rock Vodka Alex Bmayer Alex Hitchins Alex Person Alex Petralia Alexa harvey Andrew Cole Andrew Valish Angelo Raygun Anthony Holcombe Ashley Konicki Ashley M Audrey Hodge Ayako Akiyama Ben Deignan Ben in thar.. Benjamin Herron Benjamin Streit Bobby Hogan Brandon Woolsey Brian meek Christopher Becking Cody Anderson Cody Kenyon Cody Marsh Crystal Dan Draper Dan Perdue David Christopher David Witkowski Dentist the menace Devin James Cornwell Diana Morton Dionne Enoch Doug C Dusty Baker Eric Tobey Felicity Black Gillian Neale Ginger Levesque Greg Salazar Gunt Squad Gary J Garcia Jamaica Taylor James Briscoe James Hunter James Schneider Jameson Flood Jayme Sta Jeremy Siddens Jeremy Weiner Joakim Joaquin Rodriguez Joe Dunn Joel Henson Joey Piemonte John Kutch Johnathan Jensen Jon Blowers Jon Ross Jordan Josh Nemeyer Joy Hammonds Julie Ogden Justin Doerr Justin L justin marcoux Kaylyn Dudich Kennedy Kenton call Kirk Cahill Kyle Baker Lacey Ann Lawrence Abinosa Lea Rashka Leighton Fields LJ Logan Yakemchuk Madeline Matthews Marisa Bruno Matt Nichols Meaghan Lewis Mike Mikocic Mike Nucci Mike Poe Mona McCune Nick Roma Noah Bissell NYCWendy1 OK Qie Jenkins Ranger Rick Robyn Tatu Ryan Hawkins Sagar Jha Sean Scott Shane Pacheco Shona MacArthur Stephen Trottier Suzanne O'Reilly Taryn Feingold Theo Wren Thomas Adair Tim Greener Timothy Eyerman Tito Liebowitz Todd Ekkebus Tom Cook Tom Kostya Tugzy Mills Vanessa Amaya Victor I tuck back and sit down to pee Johnson II Vince Gonsalves Vlog Master William Reid Peters Yvonne Zeke Harrisx`See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, hey, hey You what did the horse say to the um other to the chicken on Christmas? Hey, hey, hey So Today's episode is brought to you by gray block pizza if you want something and you can't and you think you can have it and it's pizza then You're doing great 1811 pico boulevard on the way to the beach gray block get that hitter

Merry Christmas to you. Merry Christmas to you Stay waiting now for you to come And that is some romance modern jazz Christmas there by Blumma Petterson and That is Blumma Petterson there with a song called Christmas moment Let me pull up something else. That's really let me pull up fire up another Here here we go one right here Oh, yeah, that's that Wild West

Get on your horse get a gun get some dang Christmas And that is a song right there That is a to meet Tamisha Alexander with Santa hold on Happy holidays to you Merry Christmas to you and that's what I say a lot of time Merry Christmas and that's how I leave it. Oh It's that time of year is good to be here. I hope that you are just Honestly, I hope you're wherever you are. I don't care what where I don't wherever you are I hope you really fired up about it and you feeling that you baby You feeling that you you know

Because this is that time when you can just You know, you could kind of grab somebody's cheek a little and whip and I'll wiggle it. Hey, hey, buddy Merry Christmas This time when you could pet a little you know pet a neighbor son touch them on the head. Hey, buddy You're doing great. You know stay out of my yard, but you're doing great It's that time it's that holiday time You know and it's It's really when you think about Christmas that they had a baby in the desert

And I've talked about this before But they had a baby in the desert First of all very dangerous. I don't know if you've ever been to Arizona, but you don't see a lot of babies a lot of children won't even come out of the The homesteads or the other buildings until they're five six when they got enough hydration in them They got them oiled up enough Because a baby at the desert is the complete opposite of a baby You know a baby is um

It's it's look it's like Gushy kind of and got fat like a little it's fat look like muscle You know a lot of time you'll see a baby and it's fat look like muscle you'll see a lot of It's arms look like he's jacked, but he's only 20 pounds, you know, you're like damn is he jack? No, he's just he's just He's fat, but he's It's stylish

There's the Fat is never as stylish on us as it is when we're a child and The desert is dry. It's grainy. It's Sound like that it doesn't there's nothing slick about it So a baby if you put a baby in the desert man, it's lights out So to think that a long time ago For Christmas that a baby was born and put in the desert, man And and then a bunch of men went out there to see him and that's where it really does get wild I get you know I

Get but I also if I think if somebody said hey, man, they got a baby out in the desert Think about that You're somewhere, you know, you're at a hard ease or you're somewhere You know, you're just parked in your truck somewhere just thinking about your wife or your husband Your wife or something or anything, you know doing whatever you're doing video games, whatever and you and somebody Nudges you or something. Hey, buddy They got a baby in the desert You would go see it

You would go see it. That's an easy one Some people maybe Chris Delia would be like I ain't gonna see that baby, you know but but any regular You know mentally Decent male would go see that baby And so that's what's beautiful about the story of Christmas is they had a baby in the desert Some people went out there a couple of donkeys went out there and shit got real sentimental and

and That's beautiful man, and that's it and here we are Fast-forwarding to the year 2019 and this thing is wrapping up This year is almost wrapped up like a gift It's like we're wrapping the gift ourselves as the year ends and I can't even remember what's in the box Sometimes the years go by so fast I can't even You know life is such a time capsule sometime, I don't know what's in it and I'm sitting there putting things in it all the time

But yet I don't even know what's in it And before I can get a try and get a handle on it It starts back again. It's January or January That's a lot of my Latino friends say January, oh pump up. Do you like a January? And Some people think oldest racist to do a Mexican accent. It's not racist dude. I love a Mexican accent And it's fun. Do a Mexican accent do a Chinese accent do a white guy accent do a freaking uh

That girl, you know who's always like with the long finger now do or do it do it do whatever you want. It's an accent So do it whoo-hoo-hoo. That's an accent. That's Santa Hey, hey, hey, that is a pervert right there boy if you hear somebody like that If somebody has a couple grams of coke and they say there's a baby in the desert now. That's different. That's danger But if somebody comes over and nudges you during holiday Say hey big boy They got a baby in Las playas

Then you're gonna go for that. You better go for that What else what's going on not too much I'm flying back to Louisiana tomorrow and I'm Just looking forward to it. You know, I'm gonna go do the deal. Give me a little bit of Gambo Give me a little bit of Christmas. Yeah, I'm a liar. Yeah, I'm a liar And they'll put anything in Yamalaya There's somebody have jumped alive might have a little swallow in it

And I don't if you've ever had swallow or not. It's not I don't eat it around children and it's really an adult meat Because if children, you know, if children hear you eating Attractive birds they get nervous You know, so if you have that swallow, that's something You know, that's more of a seasonal or you know, a special time of year when you have a little bit of swallow But until you get but that's the thing about jambalaya. You could hide something You're not sure if you want to eat inside of something you do You know, you could throw a few Yali ranchers in there

You know, you could throw a couple marshmallows down there in the middle. Bam. Bam. What's that? Oh, this is good Oh, it's just got crab meat. Oh damn. This is sweet. That's the marshmallows, bro And that's a yamalaya Oh, yeah, my life What's going on man, it's the end of the year and it's been a great year, uh, I want to thank everybody for all the support had some good podcast recently We got some great ones coming up in the new year. That's gonna be exciting I'm going we got the show in Lafayette coming up. Let me let you know a couple dates that are still available January 14th in Oslo, Norway

January 15th stock home Sweden January 31st and February 1st, Las Vegas, Nevada And that's at the Mirage coming back through the Super Bowl weekend. So if you're gonna be there, come see February 15th, Oroville Casino at the Gold Country February 20th, Toronto, Queen Elizabeth Theater and we just opened Thursday night tickets for that week as well And then February 28th, Oxon Hill, Maryland That make-up show from last year And it's beautiful here on the set. If you could see

What producer Nick is done, man Man, and we got we got some beautiful people give us some Christmas ornaments rat king Damn We are very blessed to be part of such a wonderful group I want to let you know too. We got some single moms that are going to come out Into Uh Lafayette and here's a submission that came in for one. It's once you guys to uh to get on board. Here we go

Hey, what's up, Theo? This is Jeff from Crowley, Louisiana Big this past weekend fan gang gang buzz buzz Gang Jeffrey and thank you for calling over there and Crowley and Crowley is the kind of place they got big Uh animals over there You'll see an inch worm that's damn two feet long. You're like, whoa, this fella This fella might be in the rodeo, you know, they're big So it's that kind of place onward Jeffrey Um, I was calling to

nominate my mom for single mother's night At your show in Lafayette, Louisiana. She's a single mom to five boys She uh, she always worked hard for us growing up trying to provide for us everything she can, you know It's hard with a lot of kids like that And she don't have much of a social life trying to get out much, you know, she can't do much to work tonight but she's got her Dream job as a nurse in Lafayette and she's a she's a big fan of the show Me and all my brothers we watch you and we love you came to your show in Biloxi, Mississippi

And you're uh coming coming close to it in Lafayette and I know my mom would love to be able to get a night out and go enjoy herself and You know do her own thing. So yeah Hope you uh, hope you call back Well, look man, you're very welcome. And yeah, I'm so excited that she's gonna come now. We will reach out to you We've got a couple single moms. We're gonna have them and a guest join us for dinner before the show and um

And we're gonna do something nice for them as well. So uh, jeff will reach out. Thank you. That's very sweet of you, man and you know, it's um You know, you think about that you think about If they had you know when you know, a mother's got to do a lot of it on her own And just the fear that probably comes but that they push it aside real quick You know, there's stories a mother could live a damn Shiffa robe off a fucking set of twins or something. They'll have a 700 pound shiffa robe and uh

Something happens. There's a lightning or something or a little You know, maybe something hits your house or knocks it over onto a kid and a mother will lift it off of them And this is a mother that you know, it could be a mother that's never done squats or never even You know she ain't on creatine or any type of you know pre-workout And then suddenly they'll be able to just have the strength You know sometimes if we could just crack open a mother and just get whatever just just harness whatever that is That strength of love and of perseverance that they have Um

Man, it's something that's beautiful. That's it's it's own little Christmas, man What goes on inside of a mother? And I applaud your mother Jeff and I am excited to get to meet her So her and a guest will be coming up. Well, please join us for dinner. I hope you will Nick will reach out to you and uh, and we will set it up and we've got a couple of others We're gonna reach out that we had a we had a a good deal of single moms that were nominated and um, we can't have everybody out but we're gonna have some out and we're gonna do our best and the next ones we'll catch next time So, uh, thank you very much for those submissions

Oh man, it's that time of year dude. I was thinking man One Christmas I got I got a silk shirt And I don't know if you ever remember the silk shirt Because silk is first something you think you'll never be able to have it Because spiders have it And there's no if you look at a spider

Never once does a spider look like hey, I'm gonna fucking do something for you You know almost share this batch with you you know And it's marvelous that sometimes one, you know that want that That at some point in history, I don't know when or whatever, but they made a deal with them and they got all the silk So We when I remember when I got a silk shirt, I just it blew my mind And I don't know if you remember when these really hit the market

they were kind of They had that kind of glow like One edge to like at one It was like mine was like a light red Like a light red shirt and From straight on it looked red But if you stood had somebody move over about five inches to to the right or the left and look at it It looked a little bit purple

It was just you know like when you see somebody's car has been leaking oil on your on the concrete outside of your house from And you'll see a little bit of they have the oil and then on top of the oil they got that little uh That little party layer, you know that kind of little It's like a little like somebody just beat the fuck out of a rainbow and just left it there bleeding kind of Well, it's like that and that's the kind of thing. It's in the silk. It has this really Transvestant Thing I don't know what it is It's like an extra layer of skin in it that kind of glistens that's ready to fucking party or do some blow

And I remember I got that silk shirt and man It was nice dude. I remember where we now came back from school from christmas That's when I really hit my stride because that's when I had that new stuff. I had that flex You know, I had the freaking straight up just flex curtains, bro new shirt new hat You know sometime in winter me and my brother split a pair of mittens. He get one one day. I get one the next You know, he's going left. I'm going right, bro. You feel me And then sometime I'd replace the other side I get an oven mitt

because um My dad, you know, whenever my parents were married He would sometimes drink and he got my mother a set of small oven mitts one time When he was in I think like Puerto Rico or something and So we had so sometimes you could replace the other gold mitt and you didn't have with that fucking baby oven mitt um But yeah, that's shirt man that silk shirt

So I go back to school with anything I knew I got fresh hanging off of me anything slap bracelet uh New wrestling figurine have it in my pocket um My grandma give me a bag of mints. Usually she give me a bag of breath mints. That was her big thing Uh, and I would just roll to school bro fucking mint it up pocket full of the ultimate warrior Gang shit and I had that silk I had that fucking that spider spit

uh smock on And uh, and that thing man, it was nice and the crazy thing was though if you started sweating The sweat would immediately get so then the shirt started to stick to you And in Louisiana you sweat automatically. It doesn't matter. It'd be 200 degrees below zero and everybody's sweating You know it just gets hot down there. You'll see a crab some of you'll see a crab come out of his shell And he's wiping his brow Man, it's hot in there You see it

Louisiana it's just like that, you know, you'll see a raccoon take off his fur and hang it on the branch for a bit You know, he'll be over there just wringing out his muscles full of sweat And until you've seen a furless coon brother, you don't know what's up man. You're like damn, bro But those I remember those silk shirts and then sometime like that thing would get all Uh, when it got sweaty it would just stick to you But yeah, if you looked at it head on it was green But if you had somebody move nine inches over to the left and look at it It was like a little bit

A little bit less green kind of blue or something man. I love those. I love that silk shirt back in the day um We got some calls came in nine eight five six six four nine five zero three Merry christmas to you and happy holidays to you and uh and We got a great bright year coming up ahead of us all of us You know, we are living this gift of life man and it um And it is a journey and I'm grateful that it is a journey

I'm grateful that it is highs and lows um Could it it is a challenge, you know, I mean if you played super mario and it was just the whole course was just you running to the end Man, you put the controller down after one time But it's not like that, you know life is there's more They got the magic mushrooms. They got you know, you can get a little bit of coin You know, you can beat your head into some bricks you know, you can uh

You know every now and then dude in certain areas bro, you could Light a can of wad 40 and throw it throw it at somebody who fucking didn't fix your truck correctly You know fireballs You know, they got dragons you can fight every now and then Some thought will come out the house with a bunch of slippers on talking shit and you could freaking, you know Just launch that bitch off a drawbridge if you want. I mean, I'm just saying that it's

As tough as it is some time with these downs and these valleys that are in life, uh We wouldn't play if it if it wasn't challenged. We wouldn't play We were I wouldn't play I don't think so No, I'm not preaching at you. I'm just trying to remind myself that That this is the game this is the This is This is the game I'm playing You know in an easier

A too easy game there would be no challenge And I get to see who I am when there's a challenge around me And uh, and it's nice It's nice to be it's nice to be inspired even by ourselves sometimes in the face Of of adversity But all right, let's get in a couple calls that came in 95 664 9503 Yo, what's up, bio? It's jake from tennessee. I work with the post office and what's up big jake at the post office that p.o

And dude, I know a lot of y'all hopped up on them perfume samples dude. I know that shit That's why I go in there sometime. I'll see some dude like He's on some damn, you know polo sport. I'm like damn, bro. You need to You know, you'll see him over in the distance just ripping open a magazine and Getting hitting a couple hits of berbery brit over there. You're like dang boy You freaking better back off that christian. Y'all Because you fucking geeked up dog Yeah, one time the guy pushing the little mail card. He's over there. You saw him. He's back there

He's ripping perfume samples out of out of out of the zines and fucking based in under his arm, bro You know, he hits himself with them samples and next thing you know, he's all tweaked out Because he's popped up because he's been you know, setting up his trenches, bro I'm telling you that's one danger thing about being at the post office Is get whatever comes through the mail try not to get addicted to it And that is nature. That's nurture That's nature or nurture So can we beat it? I don't know

Yeah, one time they the mail truck is over by my house. It's a it's 11 o'clock at night I go out there. I'm looking at the guy He's in there. He's got he's got two strips of s-day lauder cut up in a little paper squares and he's putting them under his tongue I said He about to smell the devil But that's you know, that's just the dangers of working in the uh In the mailing catalog industry But thank you for calling brother. Let's let's hear more today. I was at this house delivering the packages

I was on a new route. So I don't really know this house now walk up the drop off this big box and do they had a snack bucket For all like delivery drivers and stuff that come to your house during you know, christmas time, especially during black friday and saturday or monday You know, these people have nice snacks out there and stuff and dude. I'm not gonna lie to you I forgot about my delivery drivers and all this shit, but I just want you to PSA To all these people out here. Don't forget about your delivery drivers

You know, they're bringing you all your amazon and your dildos or whatever you're ordering online They'll show them a nipple or something. Yeah, don't forget about your delivery drivers this christmas So I want to say gang gang Let's get it gang gang. Let's get it And that man right there is telling the truth right there out there out of tennessee. Take care of your drivers These men out there. They schlepping this and that you ordered 13 boxes of oatmeal For your grandmother for christmas and now you know

Henry over here. He's got to schlep it up the stairs for you Leave him something out front Leave him a thing of fresh dorito packages or leave him a um A thing of gummy bears, man Or you can even get that one big gummy bear that big bitch, man That big papa bear that thing's about freaking probably 11 and a half inches tall And he can just snack on that manch While he's cruising around

Yeah, people think they just order off amazon it magically drops on their doorway. No They got a middleman They got these side piece sanas running around everywhere and those men and women too a lot of strong women Women who also do fitness and who be having protein shakes on their lunch break and wearing gloves with no fingers on you know I'm talking about A lot of strong, you know sometime lesbian and sometime non lesbian women That dress like the wet bandits from home alone And these beautiful ladies over there schlepping the goods up to your door

So leave them something out there. These are the real sanas leave them a milk leave them a cookie Leave them a picture of you and your cousin or something doing, you know fishing catching a big trout catching a big walleye Tao baby, that's think about others and you know it. Thank you for calling and thank you for making all those deliveries And i'm gonna think about it too I'm gonna set a little stool out there. Dear mr. Fed ex dear mr. Amazon dear mr. Or missus male person I know you're really santa And here's a rice crispy treat

From my nice crispy heart gang brother onward I gotta tell you this you know it and I know it that This episode is brought to you by better help Better help will assess your needs and match you with your own licensed professional therapist You know, we do live in a time where a lot of men is getting In need of help and women of brain help And you can start communicating with a therapist in under 24 hours with better help

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And they got one man out there, you know, maybe a brother or maybe a couple of uh You know a white dude wearing like a buffalo sabers jersey or something And they you know having a couple freaking menthols or blowing a Winston and you know that they trying to just score a couple of um of uh Of drugs from a therapist or something, you know, something by the building and you don't you're like, oh, I am I'm not going there Somebody's gonna see me needing help Well, better help offers you a way to do that without driving over

Visit betterhelp.com slash theo That's B E T T E R H E L P And join the over 500 000 people taking charge of their mental health with the help of an experienced professional That's right special offer for this past weekend listeners get 10 off your first month So you can do that at betterhelp.com slash theo Oh, what's going on man? I don't know. I'm excited down in Lafayette We're gonna raise some money for Dustin Poirier's charity the good fight foundation Uh that show I think it's sold out

Um people are asking about a meet and greet. There will be one after and we're excited to raise some money for Dustin's charity You know, they help people that can't help themselves and um And that's one of the things that this whole podcast kind of was started on Is fucking I don't know man, whatever dog I mean, not whatever, but I'm just glad I'm not freaking laying in a park trying to smoke my own nuts right now because some some somebody Somebody's doing that, bro Grilling body you feel me

About to have a little bit of their own grilled body And I knew a man that brings me I knew a man this dude's swingy up there and uh in Out in uh near Natchez, Mississippi And he actually uh He um took his own wiener off of his body With a knife at a party when he was on lsd

and um And they used to run the ramada over there on the bluffs But anyway, all right, let's take another call 9 8 5 6 6 4 9 5 0 3 as always is the hotline Oh, and this is I think our three-year anniversary too That's crazy This is three years. I'll talk about that in a minute. Here we go What's up there, it's josh from bold, you know, I just called asking about uh Went to depression if you ever get that, you know, I just realized you live in fucking l.a. Don't you?

Yes, I do josh. Thank you for calling and I do live in l.a. All word brother You know fucking went over there, dude You know what I'm saying? You don't get no snow or nothing. Like what are we what's happened what happens over there? I mean have you like where does it get cold? You know, that's a good question. What happens over here during the holiday and I'm going to answer it in a second Let's hear more from you. No, I don't even fucking know dude. You know, I'm driving around Fuck it. Two feet of snow right now

I mean haven't seen my kid in days You know because I've been sleeping in an egg hole You know one of them egg loose hitters Because you know, you got to get right back up. That's the liver in those packages Bro, that's what I'm talking about brother 28 degree drywall. Baby. That's the igloo in gang So that's don't give a shit if it's smelling You know first when you do I got to get after But uh, yeah, so you know what?

I mean Questions still stand because you know, maybe you wear someone cold one. I'm sure you were you've been a lot of places Look at great question, brother. I we don't have a it doesn't get cold here And you know one thing about Los Angeles that Really freaking Trickles my deckle, bro. I mean this will make me it just leak from my low beak and that is that

That there's no seasons here so things don't change so there's no You don't feel the vibe. You don't feel that mother nature has a real pulse here You know, you don't feel her wrath that much You know, there's fires sometime, but that's usually a dude over there You know some dude playing hopscotch what is what is buddy and they're all cooked up on that freaking uh On that kettle corn, you know methamphetamine And next thing you know, they'll fucking they chasing each other with cigarettes Playing, you know pp tag or whatever out there behind the bushes

You know when it's kind of drug induced homosexuality and next thing, you know, they burn down half of a fucking hillside Because these bastards over there doing, you know Gramming up on a fucking some homemade share nobles over there And I'll tweaked out on that bust or dustless And next thing, you know, they don't they who knows So they burn down a hillside with half a Winston because they fall asleep in each other's arms over there all cooked out on that fucking bugle boy But

Jesus, sorry. I'm wearing the bad Christmas hat and earphones at the same time, um Are we talking about oh, yeah, there's no winter here and one thing so that's Sometimes when one of the reasons why people in Los Angeles are so nutty is because they don't they they feel like they run the world Mother nature doesn't push anything on them, you know, so they feel more powerful than nature a lot of times You know, there's not there's no seasons so things never You don't realize the power of mother nature. You don't realize the beauty of of just

You get trapped in this bubble that things can just go on forever as the same Um, or I think so. This is just what I think. Sorry. This isn't everybody, uh But other places. Yeah, you realize, okay For four months. I'm gonna be have to be indoors You know, I so maybe I should find a spouse. I'm gonna need someone not just just that I can hook up with for a night I need somebody to care about I need somebody to care about me You know, winter's coming

You know, I know in the Midwest they got cuff in season You know, I know in the Midwest they got cuff in season And that's when if you don't have someone to love you got to lock them down And And so in the winter a lot of times that cuff in season is right there around august september october And that's when you better lock down a mate Because it's going to get cold And you you need that that full body durable that full body durologue

You know a significant other And they have it man, they uh, so So So, uh So that's one thing about LA. You just there's no effect of nature. I don't feel like as much with the weather Now that's strictly the weather You can see the power of nature by going to the beach and there's you know, there's a very peaceful element But you don't see

It from the weather where the weather really dictates things it doesn't rain so You can always throw a party you could plan anything and you never have to worry about the weather Like I never wake up in the morning and think what the weather will be But when I used to work on a mississippi over there on the farm, we used to have to look at the dtn all day I think that's what it was called dtn weather Yeah, we'd have to look at the dtn and this back before they had an app When you had to look at the actual computer screen go in there and see where the storms were coming across

So you say, okay, we could fertilize right here today because It's going to be dry, you know Um, or it's okay to have a crop duster come through today because Um, uh, because it's you know, it's not going to rain so we're not going to you know lose whatever chemical we put down Um, but I remember that having to just sit at the dtn and weather would dictate how you behaved But here it doesn't happen as much So yeah, I think it's a lot of people in in california and los angeles go to hawaii You know, they're like

They want it even nicer Which is another thing I notice why this city doesn't stop much Man in louisiana when it rains it Man in louisiana when it rains it put a time out Talk to your buddy sit on the porch spend some time. We can't go do something. It's raining When it snows oh, we snowed in and maybe you have two friends come over and you guys enjoy each other's company because You need it You know, there's more of a value

on one another But this is more of a turnstile out here and I'm not saying damn la blah, blah, blah There's a lot of great things, but I am answering the question as to how this What do I feel like the weather dictates? behavior here in la You know, there's less like in the in a lot of places you you help somebody shovel their driveway An opportunity to talk somebody. Hey, hey

Hey, burda. Hey, miss burda. Let me go do your shovel You know my buddy over there he used to go decorate the christmas tree by the neighbor and she would fucking touch his ass while he was on the ladder What are you gonna do? Huh? It's christmas But stay busy out there if you fed x and baby get it done And put something out on your porch for a fed exers Put something out on your porch for you amazon guy, you know, they're gonna stop by Let them, you know, it does feel Feeling appreciated is nice, isn't it?

gang Oh, let's get a call right here. Here we go. What's up, bio? This is jay from san diego. What's up jay from san diego, man? Thank you for calling brother onward down here in the dirty breakfast Just calling to give you one of those hotline hitters that you love Recently all social media have been seeing a lot of stuff about These people trying to change Santa Claus gender

To be gender neutral or or you know question whether he may or not may or may not be a woman And i'm like the man has a beard He's kind of wondering where you stand on the whole subject. I'm like, do you think it's as funny as i do? Well, let me know gang gang gang. Thanks for the message If you and your household want to have a nondescript universe That's fine But

I like santa being a woman. His wife is mrs. Claus. You know the tooth fairy is a gay man the um The easter bunny could be a woman now that i could see let's go either way with it But santa is a man Santa is a man If you You don't want some lady being out all night. It doesn't feel even safe You know a lot of women get you know taking advantage of at night

And santa is just you can't And you won't some of that shit man people That it's done but nobody's buying that shit Well santa doesn't have a gen santa is a man And Okay, until he comes out and shows a tid or bust out a lip That's a man And that's it

And it's really just the same because here's what happens if is if the if That's all fueled by companies if they can make it if they can make santa santa gender neutral then they can sell a whole new branch of New santa ornaments new santa christmas card new santa pool toys Because now they got the gender neutral santa And so that's you have to for me. I think that's where a lot of that motivation comes from is all it's just people trying to make money It's people trying to make money And it's sad man

It's sad And I I try to distance myself from things where I feel like that is what it is only about But yeah, fucking that's some bullshit dude. Nobody want their grandmother out there driving a sleigh all night Dude, my mom's driving a freaking houston right now and she called me nine times and it's only two in the afternoon Nobody nobody want their grandma out there Slepping around a bunch of hello-kitties or whatever, you know a bunch of you know Gryffindor hats or whatever the children want this year And now she you know your grandmother's got to stay at a days in because one of the reindeer she's worried about him overheating. Uh-huh

You want santa out there? Manta bra you want him with the pedal to the metal On dancer on prancer Oh vixen stayed up all night doing some dust. Oh, well Oh, well put him on your back cupid because we ride in What if a couple of Somali pirates show up in the middle of the night And you got a gender-neutral santa claws out here injecting himself with different hormones and shit man he Nobody's getting a gift because they're jack. He's getting you know

No kids are getting gifts now You can't do it like that Santa's not a woman. Nobody wants him to be a woman It's some asshole writing an article Who isn't who doesn't have any care about you know a lot of people they want to kill any christian spirit that's alive And they want to kill the fun Don't let these people kill your fun They're just trying to take advantage of you and make money

Man get out of here with that man Santa's a man The earth mother earth the earth is a woman Tooth fairy is a gay man Everybody gots their space You know this shit ever since black Annie nobody liked black Annie even my black friends are like what? So unless it should have had Blake Griffin in it then it would have been good He's hilarious

But let's be real with this shit man I'm tired of it because some of it. There's no benefit to it It's just a trick to sell Oh, if we can make every man think they're a woman then we can sell them all now woman products as well So I'm all about equality, but you know everything functions because there's male females yin and yang Now I'm not saying there might be you know the gestation in three generations. We might all be We might all be by gender who knows But let nature do that

Not some asshole with a yahoo article Gang bro, sorry. I got heated. I'm gonna tell you about this man I'm gonna tell you about Beck's sunglasses. Do you care about your eyes, bro? Ask yourself down in your in your little cauldron of Of feeling and hope that's your heart ask yourself. Do you care about your eyes? Because your eyes are just little visual hearts that are just Kind of poking out of your face a little bit With my lifestyle and the sun here in california. I need sunglasses that will hold up

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If you like having meat in your home and you do not want to have to go and get it all the time This is a perfect solution I I didn't even like dude. I would hate going if my was with my mom and I had on a tank top And we were at the grocery bar I was really a little bitch kid. Hell. I'm half bitch now most of the time, dude. You know me if I fucking get If I start swimming in the baby pool of my own damn feelings, I fucking I'll drown down there But But I'm also a badass dog

You know I'll also put your fucking chubby cousin in a hard scarf dog I'll put half a bread pudding on it Fuckin chubby cousin in a hard scarf dog. I'll put half a bread pudding in his mouth and fucking put that boy to sugary sleep So don't come out don't come at me with that shit Um, I don't even know what I was talking about Okay, let's take another call that came in here. Here we go Hey, what up? This is Brennan from uh, Eden prairie in Minnesota. What's up, Brennan from Eden prairie

in Minnesota beautiful, um You know, I met a girl one time, uh Out there in Minnesota and she was a native american she said and then she accused me of almost well She threatened to have a baby with me. Anyway, let's hear more Um For those of you that don't know Eden prairie is basically the uh, the white bratty little cousin of minneapolis uh

And anyways, I'm I'm 16 years old. I had a question about uh girls so Um, I got a girl that I like and she likes me Okay, this That's a start man. That is a big start more um but

she I don't know if she's caught up in some illegal activities and Um, I won't get into that. Uh, but you know, I got my own issues of you know getting Um, uh getting in with all the pornography and all that and so Like I said, I'm 16. I don't know anything about girls or life or anything um, and I I was wondering do you think

having a girlfriend Is something that um Can help you with your problems or where you can help each other or is it something that will distract you From fixing your problems that need fixing Because you know, we both need some fixing and Uh, yeah

Gang bro, thank you for the question there young fella 16 year old boy They're calling out of there Man 16 God Hell I'd drink a glass of your blood if I could man You know, it's uh Man being 16

Well, here's what I say sometime relationships can help and sometimes they can hurt. I think if If I'm not doing well Then I don't know if I'm going to be able to really treat somebody well You know, it's hard to see the value of a relationship or Or even a friendship sometimes when you're in it You know, so I can get complacent I'll get complacent In a relationship

Um Sometimes I'll stay in a relationship just because I'm afraid to be alone that can happen I mean, you do know some stuff because you are asking people, you know to be 16 and be this kind of aware and asking these questions is That's huge, dude A lot of 16 year olds are just busting on themselves at home And you at least are trying to do a little more than that Uh

So I think you know, I think if you you can work on yourselves together you can work on yourselves apart And also man, you know what sometimes There's not working on ourselves. Sometimes it's like, you know, I'm always sometimes caught in this I get caught in this trap sometimes where it's like I have to fix I have to repair something's wrong And sometimes man, I'm just being alive I'm just being alive And there's the ups and the downs but this is the ride It's almost like I wish they taught us that in school sometimes like had a real course

That said hey children This is what some days will be like You will leave your driveway Somebody will you know, you'll get a call from your cousin. He'd been in a fucking head-on collision over there by the hardies You know, you'll get to work and you might lose your job You'll stop on the way home. You'll try to stop by a Dunkin Donuts and that bitch is burned down And you'll go home and your wife will be complaining because you guys haven't had sex in a while Sometimes they should just teach you that that in school. Hey, that's gonna be what that's what life is. Sometimes it's that

But so yeah, sometimes it just is what it is and that's the way things are bro So I think you're gonna be fine. You're 16 you're figuring it out. It's okay Take it easy on yourself You know if this if you're alone if you're not You know find some things that make you feel good Um, don't do a bunch of drugs and hurt yourself, bro That's what I'm saying, dude And that pornography can really it'll dirty your freaking brain

And every time you bust them cheat sheet pops out You're losing a little bit of that stallion So finally, you know 19 years from now you have a child and that motherfucker. He's a little pony You know, he gots a little buzz cut and he fucking they put a bell around his neck at the mall And that's your son So save up those cheat sheet pops and be a warrior You know save up those cheat sheet pops and be a warrior I don't think I really helped you or anything, but I love you, bro and um

Just take care. Just just be safe, man. Where are you seatbelt? And find friends that you trust And it's okay if you don't know what a relationship means at this point. Just just do your best And just know that you're okay, man However, you are You're okay Everything is okay You're not doing anything wrong

The world is not conspiring against you everything is okay And that's the truth And I just don't want you thinking that it's not all the time Because I used to do that And it really was and I can miss out on some of the beautiful gifts that are right in front of me Let's take a call right here onward Hey, p.m. This is Justin from Dallas. Just on my way back home from work Thought I would share with you a story that came to my mind when I was a kid around the christmas time

Thank you. Uh, Dustin or Justin. I'm not sure which one I couldn't hear it, but um, it doesn't matter Thank you. Austin will go there man from Dallas and I love Dallas man and uh I had a crush for a while and wanted a radio host down there on the morning radio gang onward So me and my buddy in Austin were having a sleepover at his house. Oh dang Shout out my boy scott satchfield when we was younger we stayed by his daddy's house over there in jackson mississippi And his daddy had a house over there and it was on the top of a little bitty hill and we stayed over there and

I'd never slept in bed in a bed with another man before we weren't even men we were children so another you know children man and uh And His dad closed the door and then he came back in about a minute later and he goes now fellas Y'all can sleep pole to pole or hold to hole But don't sleep pole to hole And then he closed the door

And dude we sat there trying to figure it out and do the math and Finally I just slept on the floor At the foot of the bed dude like a damn golden retriever man Just because we didn't want to get the equation wrong, you know Uh, let's hear more sorry interrupted your brother and we I don't know how we got to this But we went up in his attic. We really just grabbed a bunch of ornaments and we we filled them up with gasoline I love gasoline And uh trailed the little you know like the cloth outside of the end. We really just made cocktail

Uh like ornament mulltops, uh, and we were really just lighting them up and throwing them at cars as they went by and It's pretty risky pretty dangerous. And yeah, I mean they really did catch fire kind of like a bomb so uh Yeah, I was wondering if you've ever done anything like that or just didn't take a real risk you over the whole day Appreciate everything you do gang gang. Thank you, brother. Yeah. I remember one time we had uh My mother had a friend that came over and she'd only come over when we cooked And this lady was big as a damn I mean just big as about a small gymnasium And she really part of her arm had turned a little yellow because she I don't even know what had happened something

And anyway, she would drive over only when my mom would cook and she'd come over and have her She'd talk and everything and be friendly. But really she was you know sneaking all some of the rations she was really You know, she was she she was there for the food and the the socialism was second And I remember one time while she was in there we'd gotten some kerosene maybe it was or gasoline I can't remember god. I love gasoline man I love man. I put some on my hands the other day and just fucking smelled it all day long

um And anyway, we put her bumper and kerosene in her car and right before she took off we lit that bastard on fire And she just drove off into the night, dude with that With that old-fashioned taillight baby That fuego bumper dog and we lit that we lit that that lady up like that And honestly, I don't know if we ever even saw that lady again. Honestly But I love being dude when I was young we would put fucking wd 40 on our tongue bro and try to fucking lick each other we would do I love the smell of wd 40 damn

Dude, I love the smell of wd 40 I wish they made wd 41 bra Because I mean Hell we could do anything with that You know beautiful Uh, let's take another call here. Actually, you know if we got a patreon question Okay This is

From tara stegner one of my favorite christmas movies is home alone What would you do if you were home alone at eight years old because you wished your family away? What kind of stuff would you do knowing you're the man of the house now? Personally, I'd watch every R rated movie available and go through everything in every bedroom looking for treasures Let me think if I was well, I was home all the time when I was young I was home alone all the time dude, and I would always I would have a couple extra vanilla creams. That was the first thing Because we was allowed two vanilla creams at night for dessert

And that's that vanilla cookie vanilla cookie cream in the middle white cream in the middle So I'd have about probably about six or eight of them matches and some milk You know because we always had to split up there the milk we had we had to split up the cookies So I would I would cheat man. I would have what I wanted And what else oh then sometime I like to take off my Shirt and pants, and I like to We had a couch and had three cushions. I like to lay under the cushions like on top of the couch, but under the cushions And just like feel that pressure kind of against my body and just look out from the side

You know from in between the cushion and watch television like that like a sandwich like I was a meat And the and the furniture was a bread And What else would I do? Oh, I like to play game on the front on the television Games would come up sometime You know Do you know uh sports trivia or something call one eight eight eight sports now And play the game 17 dollars a minute 90 dollars if you're in cuba

You know coupons don't apply or some kind of shit So I would call that hotline. I'd play fucking $200 worth of games and mom would beat my ass later When the bill came What else did I do? Yeah, we went peeking in our mom's closet around christmas. That was always so crazy man peeking in there You know, it made me realize how hard my mom worked even just looking at her shoes hanging from the shoe thing in the door You know, she had her heels and her work shoes

She had her morning walking shoes These pink new balances she had them forever man. They were probably they were 20 years old when I met her You know and she had uh You know, I don't know my mother was such a hard worker man. She was always going She was always working hard. I wish she had told me hey, I'm working hard so I can take care of us Because I think a lot of time when I was a child. I just didn't know what was going on You know, no one ever said hey, this is why this is what's happening. This is why we're doing this So sometimes today I'm always like I always feel like I need to be doing something. I always feel like something is wrong

Even though there's nothing really You know, I feel like somebody pushed a car in the distance and they have a car alarm that's just going off outside of the apartments or something but it's And that all the alarm's always been there, you know, it just is always this thing making me feel like something Like I don't know what's happening. Like everything's not okay. Uh, anyway, I kind of digressed in all of that. Um Here's a question from Jacob Wells. Did you believe in Santa growing up? Yes, I did And a lot of me still does

You know then in coming to Louisiana they used to hire a It was like a small plane to go through the air at night And they would put a bunch of lights on it and stuff and they would play Christmas music out of speakers on it It got a speakers on it and so You could hear on Christmas Eve. You would actually be able to take your kids outside and hear uh And hear like a Christmas and see something in the sky

And I remember that being a really neat treat for kids because it just cemented into you that Santa was there And you never even thought hell why the hell does Santa have a propeller on his leg? But You know, that's being a kid man gang. Let's take one more call here that came in 95-664-9503 Dio, what's up? This is Bob Hey, Bob. Thank you for calling brother onward. So Lost my leg in a motorcycle accident a couple years back Damn Bobby

That flamingo baby. Tell me more now. I'm trying to find out how to get some fucking Pulling tanks with that stuffy hitter Just you know kind of hard Now we're gonna change up the game So any thoughts? Thank you well

So you got that one, you know You got that one piece really you rolling on You rolling on three right now and you looking for love I think be forthright We're all missing something You know, we are all missing something and I think these days more than ever people that have uniquities to them Those things are valued more than ever You know, uh

I used to know a guy named Bobo and he had Cut off part of his arm for some reason. I don't know why and It was below the elbow about three or four inches. So it was like in his forearm And he would sometimes get behind the bar at a bar club and he would walk And he would stick the the nub part of This of his elbow and the part coming forward the little bit of his forearm up and he could turn them back and forth Like it was a submarine. He would walk up and down the bar

And so if you were like away from the bar about 15 feet You could see just this little thing pop up and look around like it was a submarine Or a snork remember the snorks they were old cartoon But yeah, he had that Bobo had that submarine hitter and he was always looking for cocaine really But he's a beautiful man, dude, and I still miss him um Would you ask me oh, man, I think there's there's more value than ever to being unique There's more value than ever that to being unique and I said I know that's easy for me to say because I'm bi right

I got my bipedal. I got two hitters right here below the belt but But there's more Now there's ways constantly to inspire people They got the titanium you could get something graphite you could go wood even if you you know if it's if it's a tough year financially or if you're You know you're living in like newfoundland or something you could get that wooden appendage There's a lot of beautiful options out there

um But I say be forthright. Hey ladies I got fucking I got that magic wand. Do you feel me? You know, I'm that one-legged fucking I'm that stationary bad boy You know, I you got it man If you only have one leg bra I love you, dude

I think it's cool, man. I you know, I know that's crazy, but I think it's I think it's really really cool Because dude when I see somebody that has a handicap and they're really And they're challenging it and they're man that inspired me so much, dude You know It really you have the chance to be so inspirational to others and I know that probably is hard To think about because it doesn't heal what's going on, but you could hella get some pus, bro They got ladies out there that are fucking some real muppets

So I know when you come in with that fucking low body gonzo, bro that one piece All day, bro You're gonna be a You're gonna be a freaking third lieutenant in the poontank mafia son And I would decorate that leg bro get that other leg decorated for the holidays, bro. There's some fucking lights around that thing hang up hang up uh A car freshener off that bitch man do something with it

Dude, I remember I was in Tucson, Arizona on the bus once and a man had a wooden appendage a second half Low half on the left and he would sit on the bus. This is when you could smoke a cigarette on the bus And he would put his cross his leg over the other leg And in the side of the wooden part, he'd build them uh ash tray in there And I remember sitting there one time with him having a cigarette after work Over there a city grill off a tank of Erty and Wilmont And I took the bus and I'd sit there with him and have a cigarette And put the ashes right out into his leg

And I've never forgotten that man Oh We're at the end of the year. We're at the end of the year man, and I love you And you know If you need me bro, I'll hold you up dawg the more I think about it, man. I will hold you up You know, I'll hold you up brother And thank you for sharing what's going on with you in your life, man. You're holding me up Gang shit, bro

We out here dawg And it's a beautiful time of year, and it's a beautiful time to love somebody And it doesn't have to meet mean sex or anything like that or touching yourself. Don't touch yourself at Christmas What are you doing? But touch your heart man love yourself a little get in there As that boy used to say that had it And he had a lot of hits of that TISM and you know it What else is going on I may have this uh thing this week chocolate shoulder challenge we'll put out on instagrams you can check it out

Remember get your Christmas shopping done now. It's on list over And I hope your holidays are something special And I hope that your heart is a fireplace And uh And it keeps you warm And uh, and it keeps you warm and keeps the others around you warm as well Thank you for three years Thank you for the support

Thank you for all the calls Uh You know this has been one of the toughest years of my life in some ways, but I'm feeling a little better and um And I couldn't be more grateful for you guys not giving up on me I'm excited to see you guys. I'm in Lafayette. I'm excited to see you in Europe Let's go. I was watching some rugby today. Lycester and somebody else Let's go UK, Manchester, Glasgow Dublin

London, Oslo, Amsterdam, Norway Let's go I can't wait to get over there. Baby the Rat King Coming down your chimney January 4th. We start the tour over there Ari Manis the dirty little Hebrew rolling over there with me So let's see what we can do man. You guys be good to yourselves. I love you. Merry Christmas to you And thank you Uh, thank you

Let's take us out today with DJ Dins the rooster and Christmas Day sale Oh Oh, it's a little Christmas trap music Oh Oh