This Past Weekend - Fortune Feimster | This Past Weekend #254

Episode Date: January 9, 2020

Subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts http://bit.ly/ThisPastWeekend_    Fortune Feimster New Netflix special “Sweet & Salty” comes out January 21st https://instagram.com/fortunefeimster    ----------------------------------------------------------- Find Theo   Website: https://theovon.com  Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend  Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCiEKV_MOhwZ7OEcgFyLKilw   -----------------------------------------------------------   Producer Nick https://instagram.com/realnickdavis -----------------------------------------------------------   Music   “Shine” - Bishop Gunn  http://bit.ly/Shine_BishopGunn    -----------------------------------------------------------   Gunt Squad www.patreon.com/theovon  Name Aaron Rasche Adam White Alaskan Rock Vodka Alex Bmayer Alex Hitchins Alex Person Alex Petralia Alexa harvey Andrew Valish Anthony Holcombe Ashley Konicki Ashley M Audrey Hodge Ayako Akiyama Ben Deignan Ben in thar.. Benjamin Herron Benjamin Streit Bobby Hogan Brandon Woolsey Brian meek Christopher Becking Cody Anderson Cody Kenyon Cody Marsh Crystal Dan Draper Dan Perdue David Christopher Dentist the menace Devin James Cornwell Dionne Enoch Doug C Dusty Baker Eric Tobey Felicity Black Gillian Neale Ginger Levesque Greg Salazar Gunt Squad Gary J Garcia Jamaica Taylor James Briscoe James Hunter James Schneider Jameson Flood Jayme Sta Jeremy Weiner Joakim Joaquin Rodriguez Joe Dunn Joey Piemonte John Kutch Jon Blowers Jon Ross Jordan Josh Nemeyer Joy Hammonds Julie Ogden Justin Doerr Justin L Kaylyn Dudich Kenton call Kirk Cahill Kyle Baker Lacey Ann Lawrence Abinosa Lea Rashka Leighton Fields LJ Logan Yakemchuk Madeline Matthews Marisa Bruno Matt Nichols Meaghan Lewis Mike Mikocic Mike Nucci Mona McCune Nick Roma Noah Bissell NYCWendy1 OK Passenger Shaming Qie Jenkins Ryan Hawkins Sagar Jha Sean Scott Shane Pacheco Shona MacArthur Stephen Trottier Suzanne O'Reilly Taryn Feingold Theo Wren Thomas Adair Tim Greener Timothy Eyerman Tito Liebowitz Todd Ekkebus Tom Cook Tom Kostya Tugzy Mills Vanessa Amaya Victor I tuck back and sit down to pee Johnson II Vince Gonsalves Vincent Gil Vlog Master William Reid Peters Yvonne Zeke HarrisSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

today's guest has a new special coming up on Netflix she is she's multi-faceted and she's a wonderful storyteller she's very entertaining and and I'm happy that she's here with me today the wonderful fortune-themed stir Amanda Bond got a face tattoo bring that up next fortune thanks for coming in hey Theo thanks for having me yeah yeah man that's cool nice to see you yeah it's really sweet of you to come by appreciate it um yeah wait can you bring it up next sorry I just want to see this I just saw this on the news oh Amanda Bond's got that face hit her right there it's not even a good heart is that a

heart it looks like it's like a somebody got drunk and yeah try to make a heart but it's like kind of a lopsided oh it's like a tattoo a buddy of yours would give you like in Syracuse or something at a party you know or in like there's like a Flint Michigan basic white person kind of tattoo I think like anything like she used to look uh-huh she um it's so common now with face tattoos it's almost like you know I have this idea sometimes that in the future the layer of like this layer of skin will be we'll wear like an actual protective layer of skin in the future because we the Sun will just be murdering all of us oh

that's a good reason I think I think my thoughts were just that it'll become like an old idea like oh my god you wore your natural skin you know like we'll eventually have like a newer layer because it also seemed like people are on the line like people are just like face-tattling and just totally like the old layer it's like getting all people it's like people are just at the end of the road with the old layer yeah the dry skin yeah we're gonna be one of the last people to like have worn our natural skin like snakes just like yeah let it all shed it all like all right now for the new one yeah and I think those

blow it on almost like with a um like a pressure wash it on or like uh maybe a tanning bed if you ever go to like one of the stand-up ones I haven't been in the stand-up I've never I've been in the tanning bed uh once yeah and it's not great well I went in my hometown no I've definitely been so yeah no tanning bed shame here yeah no tanning bed shame but I this is obviously not a body that tans easily really body that burns oh yeah and this body has not seen the light of day ever as much as you know I'd love to rock a two-piece it's not happening oh yeah I see in the two-piece so I um in college I bought like a

package of four sessions for a tanning bed or whatever I went to one and I was like all right it's not bad and the second time I went um I got undressed which you know is a feat just getting undressed takes a lot of time and you wear a belt or no yeah I wear a belt yeah and I got into the tanning bed and they hadn't turned it on and I was like and I'm all like hello hello no one's like listen because it's like part of it's a tanning bed other parts of salon because you gotta always something else tanning bed yeah I used to work at a place called frozen options and we had a smoothies and then a fucking bootleg

tanning that people got pink eye from the bed no but anyway yeah so like no one's turned it on and I'm just like sitting there and it's getting cold and I'm just yeah I got so I got put my clothes back on there's another good ten minutes yeah it's misery and I'm like peeping my head back and I'm like hello like no one's doing anything so I just I had seen her turn it on before so I just made I just turned it on and put you know the ten minutes where I mean that's probably a lot of so I think it's a good amount so I turn it on and I get in the tan bed I do my thing I get out and they're all like looking at me like

they had like looked in the I don't know a video or something like I had tried to get more time oh like you try to sneak a minute I think I try to sneak a minute I'm all like no I did the appropriate amount of time I paid for it but I could never go back after that cuz they were giving me such a stink I like I had stolen candy or something damn oh this bitch in here stealing fucking hot I was like my body can't even take extra hot minutes I'm telling you I just y'all weren't doing your job are you looking at me like that so that was my I got I got a tan in bed shamed did you feel the did you feel the tan after was

it real though did you get too much did you get yeah I mean I was like red yeah I mean I was I mean I got as tan as my body pigmentation will allow your body only goes so tan yeah and then it just turns to freckles yeah so for me it's like straight to cancer goes straight cancer and if we ever go out to like a beach or something I'm that asshole with like a towel all over my body where you can just see like this much of my face cuz I just I'm like no one expects me to be tan what am I doing you're going straight to cancer you're going you're begging kids to bury you in the sand you're like yeah bury me again I'm

putting everybody's umbrellas over me I'm like you don't need that do you all right I got three umbrellas covering me it's not sexy yeah I think I used to love 10 and my mom used to open the windows in our apartment by the she would move the dinner table over and open the windows and put a lawn chair right there and oh really yeah that you'd have a little bit of beer and get catch some sun right there yeah but let me see that tattoo one more time Nick do you mind brother I guess she got it huh is it permanent I mean it looks like some of my nephew is it a yeah it looked like a large sock I think it's a heart you

remember when she remember she was a childhood star and then she really I guess she's I don't know if she struggled from addiction or admit she had mental health issues but she went might have been a calm but combo I don't remember but I mean she was known when she was growing up has been very girl next door you know she was in all those movies where she played the cutesy yeah you know nice girl and then she yeah she went deep she was like tweeting about one and Drake to murder her I think that was her words we've got enough black crime in America okay I don't think that we need Drake and I don't think Drake is

the guy who's gonna murder the pussy but maybe like sneak up on the pussy and tickle it you know you know get a little romantic with it but I think that was the cry for help where everyone's like oh no she's in trouble yeah things are going well oh then she threw a bong out of a window too I think I remember oh really oh there's the Drake right didn't he's one of the correct term oh it murdered my vagina sorry I made it crass or she was a lady about it she said murder my vagina yeah that's pretty gangster actually but I think I had read a story about her like a year ago where she had gotten she'd gone to

get some help I don't know the mental stuff for any sort of addiction I'm not sure what it was and she was taking classes at the fashion Institute oh wow in downtown so she was trying to get you know do something new pull it together and maybe she felt like she didn't want to be a celebrity oh yeah she graduated college yeah just in June fit them I want to fit them fit them you know what's interesting there's a when I was I was working on a dog show one time or a pet show or something this years ago and like you were on the show it was yeah I was hosting it was about pets or something something about animalia you

know yeah and so we went to a dog place where they had where rich people had their dogs go for the day if they were gonna be out of town yeah and it's nice in there they got astroturf and they got fucking magical you know they got food from like exotic you know like the dogs were having turkey chefs making yes yes crazy like you see a guy there with a pot and like stirring every dog's gonna CBD oil the guy's got a white glove on yeah you would see dogs yeah one dog was getting one dog was getting a dime and put on one of his incisors in his mouth like it was fucking and that was little John's dog actually dude they said that

this is to they said that little John's dog given there for a month and that and he had gotten the top of the line stuff for it yeah so all the dogs had a play in one area and then little John's dog had his own fucking like a little he had a penthouse yeah yeah but Amanda Bynes dog had been there for two months oh wow and it was a like a hot it would look like a slipper that was alive you know one of those kind of dogs yeah a big slipper a big furry slipper yeah for you didn't know where the ass was yeah you'd like to you'd like to give it a treat and suddenly you'd put the treat in its butt you know you're like yeah

where's the face on this thing you know oh my gosh and but it loved me dude it was following me around like a fucking hot e-walk you know man and and they're like hey we'll give it to you for a thousand bucks you know it's been here for so long that we you know we can't really board it anymore we're gonna have to give it up and I had a lot of bucks is pricey for that's at the time it was real pricey for you yeah you know now I might go 800 on the fucking beach on okay you know right but at the time but that dog didn't sound like a thousand dollar dog but it loved me though it kept it was almost like the parent I

never had like in the distance it was every time I turned around it was like about 30 feet away fucking just like kind of giving you a thumbs up yeah kind of or something yes I could have been an erection coming out of the fur it could have been a thumb but yeah so uh and I and I and I and I said no and I wish I'd have said yes I don't really like me yeah you have a dog now I don't and I've never had a dog yeah that was the closest I ever came was having a man-of-bond's dog and so I wonder what ended up having to that dog I don't know because see if there's any information about that I'm making Nick work can you

call make some phone call yeah can you get its tracking number I can actually send her a DM and ask her like what did she probably realized she had a dog yeah what had a dog I wonder reunited with that dog she accidentally drenched with gasoline I didn't smell it oh wait mate was that the same dog there was a picture of it right there let's see if we can she actually that doesn't look like that that's maybe a different dog unless that was the dog as a puppy the hill mark does that look like a deal that looks like it if it that looks like it if it had like Nicholas's cage's life like it looks it had a lot more

hair than that when I met it well it says she tried to set fire to it oh that's like a Dell kind of this was 2013 that she she was reunited with the pet dog that she almost set fire to well it kind of sounds like a dog with me she's beautiful young lady yeah I hope she's doing okay maybe it could reach out and even see if she will come on that'd be interesting have her on here it'd be real interesting especially struggles with addiction we have a lot of you know I struggle with it and a lot of other people do but yeah I think it could be interesting for her to just share like probably what it's been like

because that's a scary thing about Hollywood you only know from like articles you only know when like people are like you know the Britney Spears situation where she's got an umbrella and shaved her head you don't know like what what led up to it was the thing yeah yeah you never know the truth really she's crazy and I think it would be interesting to talk to her I mean just to find out like you know where things started to go off the rails and how she got it back on track you know yeah does she blame or not blame but yeah like I bet it was tough to forgive whatever the things were that were really bugging her

you know um that's why I did not become a child star yeah you would have been a good one I think I don't know you know you look like you look like people watching you like she looks like the kid from bad Santa I get that every there was a video question someone asked and I had to look at your IDB but they were like in bad in bad Santa did you actually cut your thumb when you were making that say people are always like they're all like the kid from the sand lot or the bad Santa kid I'm not even offended by anymore I'm just so you just charming oh it is very charming I think it's charming people say that I

look like if I were a blue button up they say I look like who's that woman who was in sleepless in Seattle oh Rosie O'Donnell Meg Ryan Meg Ryan Meg Ryan yeah I'll get a Meg Ryan if I see look at that I can see it a little well when I was 10 now you have a cuter nose in that guy and I got these chubby cheeks and it's just the hair I think and the eyes may be a little and we're just adorable I mean both y'all would be I mean yeah you guys I tried out for when I was like 10 they had a open casting call and I'm from North Carolina it was in Charlotte do you remember that show wild and crazy kids it was like a bunch of kids doing

like was it the ones with the pyramid they were looking for the pyramid trying to win a contact it was like it was like it was like a it's like a field day almost like kids competing in different like activities that yeah like and you went out for it out that yeah I went out for the open casting call at the mall and you know I had like jelly stains on my shirt from McDonald's breakfast oh yeah I used to sneak a couple of those packets and I would slick my fucking hair back sometimes yeah cuz I thought chicks would dig it dude everybody loves jelly that was my concept you know that fucking

jelly sideburn gotta get is free strawberry that bitch up and that stuff I held your hair so good it's so many preservatives it's just like yeah so the guy like you know they have a producer like asking all the kids questions oh yeah I'm just like so fat and just like oh such a slob you're slob in Lee as well yeah back then cuz you know you're just like a little awkward fat kids yeah really know any better and he just like looked at me and just like no wrote no on your head no so my first Hollywood rejection and was there anything else you tried out for oh god what's so funny I you know it's funny I

I watched you on on road rules yeah cuz I thought for real world ever I did I sort of did I was in college cuz I think we're around the same age and I they had another open casting thing in Raleigh where I was going to school and I was working at a radio station and they gave us like passes to go to the front of the line oh yeah I could imagine that and so people have been waiting like you know all night to to meet everybody they're bonded and I come in all like you know my Starbucks like everybody what's up bad Santa don't even know me yet I'm about to be a star and they like hate my guts oh yeah the line hates you

and the line for those things is always like the most obtuse people it's like people really trying it's a lot of this there's always a lot of like I don't know maybe desperation I feel like I don't know ones like over the top it's like big personality he's like I gotta make them see me right at the front of the line yeah a lot of times that's what they're yeah very aggressive yeah and where you're like whoa and I just you know they pull us all in and groups yeah oh yeah I remember this yeah did you or did you say tape or something I'll tell you no I'll tell you I never really talked about it I'll talk about it but

yeah and I want to hear more about your experience so you go in instead of bar where is it it was like yeah like a big bar and and we they put us in groups in a big table and you know of course they're asking questions like where's the craziest place you've had sex I'm like I want to say like 1920 and I'm just like you know I don't even know I'm gay at that point I was in the closet and so they were asking all these questions everyone's like you know well I fucked once on a washing machine and everyone's like trying to outdo each other and I'm just like in my head like I fucked on the back of a senior citizen

yeah that's a lot and I'm just like well I can't wait for this group part to be over so I get my one-on-one interview and I didn't say one word I didn't answer one question because it's all so crazy yeah it's people desperately like yeah I'm dead yeah you're not dead I'm a ghost and I had no good stories because I was a nerdy-ass 20 year old who hadn't really lived life right and and they go all right thank you to all of us and I'm like what that was it so I technically auditioned but I didn't answer one but what a card to play though the silent card yeah they're like we want her on TV she has nothing to say did you still

leave the thinking hey they might reach out to me yeah I might well they got my contact information I have my email address and my cell phones at that point and find me on my hotmail hit up my hotmail don't say grande at hotmail dot com that was my hotmail address big sweetie oh really but that was like I laughed so hard later like knowing what I know now I'm like what a dumbass yeah but I mean it all worked out you know not meant to be for me yeah wasn't to be for you isn't that interesting know how like it's like sometimes you'll want something you'll think oh this is what I want and then later you realize oh

I'm so grateful that didn't work out yeah didn't happen that way because this there was this other plan going on for me that was supposed to fit really well well it would have been hard it wouldn't hard for someone like me who you know didn't know I would have been tough I didn't know so much about myself yet yeah I moved LA and still didn't know I was gay like I was just a little bit of a late bloomer in that way because I grew up you know in the South and North Carolina where I just didn't know I didn't have those examples so that I would have been like everybody else was like this girl's dumb as shit right we

all know you know so it wouldn't have been probably you know yeah you might have been forced to have to like really figure it out before you were ready to figure it out or I'd have been that person that's like he's cute yeah where everybody else is like yeah you're banging dudes but you're the one you're behind the dude it's like you're moving too much so I want it yeah I want to hear your how it happened for you how you yeah yeah I'll tell you before I'll just you made me think so if you so I never asked a gay person because you did you you're a hundred percent gay hundred percent okay so I appreciate you assuming

I could have some bi-sex you fuck one of these fucking whack-ass dudes running around oh I'd pay $200 to see you bang out Tony Hinchcliffe over there dude fucking put it on his little ass she might kill Tony dude you know what's crazy is one day someone's gonna walk up and actually kill and it's gonna be the greatest saddest most amazing fucking documentary ever dude so if you do you know like cuz like I just wonder sometimes like if you looked when you're thinking back in your life now so now you're comfortable being gay you know there's no questions inside of you or anything like that like do you

can you look back to like a seed where it's like you kind of can where it makes more sense yeah yeah I mean once you know once that like cloud is kind of lifted you look back to your whole life and you're like oh my god they're there like so many so many things but and and now with everything being like so gay like people talk about gay stuff all the time yeah YouTube you know everyone's out everybody's gay people aren't even gay or gay and uh like being gay to some people like cool and you're just like like that like you don't even know if they're genuinely gay they're just like well gay's fun I want to be on RuPaul

so I want to open a bakery so I'm gonna come out of the closet yeah there's nothing to do I'm gonna have a fashion line so I have to be gay yeah so it's just I think too part of it is that people aren't like conforming to labels now everyone's right what doing their thing and you know yeah I can look back and just be like oh my god like this is so obvious from like early on you know you just don't know it cuz you know anyone you kind of a any dude I I assume might be gay like in my hometown would be like hey girl this is my wife Pam yeah and then she tried to hold his hand and he'd be like oh no reprimanding

her yeah so I just didn't know you know I was like I didn't see any out gay person I'm from a small town probably yeah I mean both men and women I mean you know any that was it a secret dude that worked at the bank that was gay you know yeah and there was like any woman who might I thought might be gay was like a librarian yeah who like loved mowing grass yeah man she's doing a lot of yard work and that perfumes like that's gasoline spilt some of my legs yeah so it's just you know it was a different time and so you didn't you knew what gay was but you didn't think it could apply to you and anyone right cuz you're like

well no one else I know is so I must not be so interesting cuz I'll yeah I just sometimes wonder like what is that feel like what is the like does it yeah like how does it start to like feel inside of you where you it gets it for me it got to the point where you just couldn't deny it anymore oh wow so there's just so much evidence yeah and it was like I had moved out to LA and moving to LA was a big thing for me because then Austin gave people everywhere and no one even batted an eye yeah like oh it's like I mean for me I felt like so stupid I was like lose people holding hands like like what am I like born in a barn it

really felt like I was an idiot or I was like whoa and then like you start to like the L word came out you start seeing like you're like two chicks hot chicks kissing and you're like wow I I'm feeling things and then it just sort of bubbles up to the point where you're like yeah yeah yeah some you came out of the closet one of my shows one time yeah he was last word I got he was laughing so hard he's like yeah yeah yeah his buddies are like what the fuck Patrick you know so does it so if you're does it feel like do you feel like if you get does it feel like you get like an erectioning your vagina if you're a

gay woman no I mean when I was watching the L word early on yeah you're kind of just like you're more tingles I think than anything yeah we don't get the the boners to tell us like that we're excited right more like the butterflies and the tingles are like so when that starts having could you think back to other times you're like oh my god I got that feeling some but I had no idea what was going on like yeah well I was very intense about certain friends growing up you know like if I was I joked that one of my very first jokes was like I talked about how I would get so upset from my friend Michelle would go out on a date

with a guy and my mom would be like I don't understand I'm like she's my best friend it's like so intense you know you just you just get so like angsty you know all this stuff inside and you don't know what it is and it used to baffle the shit out of my mom she's like I don't like who cares like she's on a date I'm like yeah but like we were supposed to go to Chili's together and it's more of that shit just that like oh that like teenage like but it like goes on for longer than it should and yeah you're just the direction you're like yeah it must seem so bizarre that's so why cuz I

would have like sort of these like intense friendships where it almost felt like you were dating at times like writing each other notes oh yeah on your car stuff you would do with like a boyfriend yeah I was doing that with certain friends and so you get just so emotionally invested in that person that when their straightness continues and a guy comes into the picture you're just like it's almost like yeah you're malfunctioning yeah yeah you're like our R2-D2 if I can just you've created a reality a non-reality right and then reality comes oh burst that bubble and it must be a little heart even though

you it must have been oddly heartbreaking almost in some ways even though you didn't know maybe exactly what was going on man I would just feel so heartbreaking I feel I mean I think you know when I talk to other gay people who had those experiences I think where the heartbreak comes in is that you're getting told no like even if it's not a verbal no from early on because there's like something between a closeted gay person like if you and I had met in high school like we'd be buddies right away we'd be high-fiving I never had sexual chemistry with a dude it was always like we're homies right and and so

even if I do find men attractive so even if I would find a guy attractive he would never be reciprocated because I'm put my body who I am is putting out something I can't control oh interesting yeah totally and so you're just getting rejected from the the beginning right and so that definitely affects I think a lot of gay people and some people oh yeah that worked their way through that where they're like they build up their self-esteem in other ways right some people start drinking a lot when they get to like college and stuff to sort of mask that pain of rejection everybody deals with it in different

ways but yeah I can I may I never really thought about that there must be this in this rejection from like the way that society's kind of built yeah just at least back then especially younger people too because younger people don't even know what they're doing yeah and you know it yeah it was just like I like I went to prom and stuff but usually I asked the dude yeah what's up Mark you want to go to prom he's like don't pat me on the back so hard so I did yeah I just know that that typical normal dating I never had a boyfriend yeah I went on a couple dates but oh yeah you just kind of like dating dating sort of

became like a non thing right so I became sort of the overachiever like I'm gonna be in all the clubs and I'm gonna be president of the student government and I'm gonna make a right I'm gonna find other ways to just to express myself yeah that and to get validated oh yeah I had to I had to find validation elsewhere because I wasn't the girl getting flowers on Valentine's Day yeah I'd be like Sheila you're gonna finish those cupcakes so yeah you just buy you a rake yeah I was like getting flowers from my brother it's wild cuz you really like a you you you also have this whole vibe of like a real

beautiful woman I feel like oh thank you know like you really I don't know I I don't know why I said that even but I just yeah I don't know just felt that but well that was very sweet yeah I don't know I think I think where I was able to sort of find connections with people it was more of just like being friends with people and being genuinely interested in them yeah and having good conversations and I did I had a lot of friends you know and and then I was sort of became a the class clown that sort of made people laugh and stuff so I did find laughter early on was sort of that bridge that gapped that disconnect with

people oh I see what you're saying yeah I can I can totally relate to that yeah so then all of a sudden people people are looking at you with different a different set of eyes you know they're not looking at you as like oh there's that you know chubby girl that's awkward they're like oh she's funny she's funny she's cool there's some yeah yeah you create something about you and almost kind of what a neat so much of our like who we are and our validation becomes based on that like response we get from the opposite sex or you know when we're growing up yeah so it's almost kind of neat that if you were able to

like kind of take that out of your picture even though it probably affected you some I'm sure yeah take that out of your picture and find other way and just be able to build friendships with people and not have that element be part of it yeah it's almost kind of a weird blessing it seems like yeah because I mean I did see early on like people get really wrapped up with men relationships oh yeah like my pregnancy like even my mom you know after my folks got divorced she was so hurt by that and my and my and that rejection from my dad that she spent that next like ten years oh just all that mattered was finding that man

who loved her and I would see her just get crushed you know like because she put everything into that dude to the point where she was neglecting stuff at home yeah the rest of her life or find another joy yeah and so every all of her validation was completely there and then when that thing didn't work out she just was on the floor and I and that definitely had an effect on me where I was man I can't I can't do that I can't be like that so it was like a happy medium you know yeah so yeah in a weird way it allowed me to say focused I guess and and put more value in friendships and create a new way to to

breach just to a new war it's almost like you didn't get stuck into this same path because so many of so many people it's like you get into there and everything's based on it fucking you know Larry look for every other side does Larry look at me between after science you know yeah and I've seen people make career decisions that have changed the course of their life for a person yeah for love that didn't work out sometimes it did and so you just wanted to find like you wanted to make those decisions when it was the right person in the right time right so I was glad I at least didn't spend my high school college

early 20s where that was dictating all my decisions and thoughts oh yeah I dictated all my shit dude this fucking nightmare dude driving across town just a masturbate I remember biking across town to find some teddy magazine I used to bike five miles to masturbate dude on the weekend that was like the biggest thing I look forward to well back then you couldn't that you know porn wasn't as accessible oh no yeah yeah now these are lazy people yeah no one's getting their steps in yeah I had a Fitbit on bro was the healthiest fucking master I'm so strong from biking and masturbating but now you date a lot of

hot women you're basically like the David spade of a lesbian commuter that feel like you get a lot of hot chicks I've dated some very very attractive women now I'm engaged now you're engaged now I'm a I'm a spoken for but we have a question that came in about that actually let's get to it quick have you set a date for your wedding yet she's matter of fact she's very short you set a date for your wedding yet her husband may only be allowing her a certain amount of words woman you've got one question make it short you got nine words Rhonda Rhonda keep it short and sweet we have not set a date for our wedding yet we

got engaged like two years ago she moved out here we've been together four and a half years and the first year was long distance and then I wanted us to at least live together a year to see if we still liked each other good idea so once we hit the year mark I want she made so many sacrifices she moved from Chicago she was a kindergarten teacher left a job and she was working in the inner city Chicago and just that was her passion and so she gave up all these things for me so I felt like I needed to show her earlier because I probably would have maybe waited like another year to get engaged but I wanted to show

her I was serious about us and appreciated the sacrifices she made so I proposed to her but neither of us had the intention of getting married right away or like to be in any hurry we are gonna get married sometime this year I just got a plan it yeah 2020 cuz you have about eight hours left yeah it's just I think normally when people getting engaged there's like usually it's the bride whoever the we're both brides but technically but that brides usually like very much like all right I've been dreaming about this my whole life right here's the thousand things I want to do well she and I never dreamt of getting

married because you know we just again that wasn't my fantasy that was ever gonna happen for me even if you think about the wedding cake is just one woman standing up there by ourselves yeah so we don't have these all these things we've always wanted to do so for us we're just like and we've lived together for now for you know over three years and it feels like we're married we will get married but it's just one of us has to freaking plan something right so I think I just gotta find like a wedding planner yeah or get one of those planner books that books I said planner on them get there you go you know but

yeah somebody to go to Pinterest yeah we just kind of want to have a party I think we'll probably get married at the courthouse or something yeah like that she don't like a lot of people like she doesn't like to be the center of attention she's very like she does not want to say vows in front of people she don't want to be walking down an aisle she just is like so it's kind of funny so I'm like well we gotta have a party and why else get married yeah you gotta have some yeah a nice celebration it's almost like when like people don't ever celebrate their birthday or something you got to celebrate it well you just I

just want it's a split there she is oh yeah I met her before I met her yeah kind of think of where we ran into each other I feel like at a strange place I remember where it was she's awesome she's she's beautiful and so smart and and lovely and she comes on the road with me a lot but she's she's kind of joined the circus that is being a stand-up comedians partner you know oh yeah it's a different world and LA's you know Chicago's an awesome city yeah it's fun and LA if you're not in the business you're kind of like what is this place yeah so it's been an adjustment for her but I think she's

finally starting to feel like home so now we're in a good place with LA and making friends and that it feels like a good time to get married cool if you want to plan it bud oh my god get some shrimp if you'd like to bike to our wedding and do the whole time I was biking I would try to look my main goal while I was biking was to look like I wasn't gonna masturbate when I got there like I'm up to nothing because I remember thinking the whole time that oh fuck everybody knows that I'm biking across town of Jericho where were you going like a I knew what my basketball coach had a bunch of nudie mags he kept

in his bathroom under the same your so you would go to your basketball coach his house oh yeah and be like yo can I borrow some of those magazines oh I wouldn't tell him dude I'll just go in there and pretend I had to do a bowel movement for about two I got that and then I would be so embarrassed to come out of the door I would go out through the window of his house and leave the fucking bathroom door lock so I would lock myself in and it was one of those locks like that's one of those locks you put the little latch in the thing yeah yeah oh yeah so you had to come back in

oh my god why did he let you keep coming over I think you thought I had just bad GI tract or something man things were so different back in the days because I hung out with teachers too and like they would come to my house like nowadays they're like I'll fucking sue you yeah you know they're like it but back in the day you were just like yes I'm hanging out with my teacher yeah everything's a lawsuit now that's what that's one thing that's messed up a lot of things in America just everything you know lawyers got so happy everybody found his easy ways to make money it's almost like yeah everything's a lawsuit

you know so they have to make everything safe they have to make everything I can't do this that you know the school bus driver can't say things to the kids just like there's no living anymore yeah well everyone's like walking on eggshells you don't know what you're gonna say that's gonna offend somebody people you know it's ridiculous though but I don't understand how why it's so it doesn't feel real though it feels like it's real like if you look online yeah like if you're on like yahoo.com it feels real the outrage in the bullshit it look if you just read that right and you're not alive as a human but it feels like in

the world things aren't exactly like that as much I don't think so I mean yeah I don't know I've never thought and nothing's ever happened to me I'm like I'm gonna sue that person yeah like I just think you just work things out like you just got to work it out yeah and you know you hit somebody's car call your insurance yeah take you know it's not like I'm gonna sue you I don't know it's like a I think we're the only country that really is so litigious in that way yeah I think so too there's so much money here too yeah you know people's all you know chasing money yeah okay my story about yeah so I went to when I was

I was going to University of Arizona's and they had auditions there you do these several dishes at like six or seven schools around the country yeah real world and road rules University Arizona's a good one to go to yeah kind of a party school right no that's Arizona state oh okay if you want to basically cut the top of your car off with a fucking welding torch and also cut your sleeves off to match your fucking car okay and buy a little bit of turquoise yeah then University Arizona's very good okay so and they turquoise oh it'd be cool it was definitely it was uh it was just hot what was it like it was fun

though a lot of classic rock fans all four years you were there the whole time no I was actually only there for one okay semester got you so I went there for one semester and they had auditions at a bar called gentle bends I think sounds like a fucking place it's definitely gonna get a sexual harassment lawsuit yeah Ben was too gentle so they had and I went in there and man I was having I was depressed bro I mean I'm a half half of my life I'm depressed but so this was a time when I was and I went in there and they had auditions and yeah they sat us in a group and and they just started talking and yeah they started talking to

people yeah and uh and I was and I just remember being like I bet half y'all would be afraid to fuck some twins that's what I said right and you were always saying crazy shit though I remember they would always be like they have some weird shit so that's all I remember saying because shit was getting weird like one guy yeah like the first guy was like gay but then wasn't gonna be gay and then came back from the dark side he said and then went back to like everybody had like a crazy story one guy was doing fucking Renaissance fairs and shit I'm like fuck dude I'm down to nothing right now you know I gotta come

strong I gotta pull some shit out of my crazy so I was like I bet neither one of y'all would would fuck twins you know they didn't know what to say and so then when I'm leaving and then there was a girl in our group she literally stood up she's on the highest heels you could be on yeah she stood up and then just fell directly down and she got fucking asked to go to the next round oh she's gonna fall off the camera yes she's going down right so then what happened was when I'm walking out of there yeah the man like taps you on the shoulder and gives you this packet and it was like a big packet yeah and it was

literally like 30 pages of stuff to fill out and he said hey fill this out and mail it in and you hear from us and like sit within six weeks yeah so for six weeks I was excited you know it was like who knows and then I never heard from and that was it so then the next year I'm at Louisiana State okay and they had auditions there and every year they had like six campus where they would have audition so it just happened to be the next year that they had it at this campus okay so I'm like okay so I went again and then and I kind of knew okay the first round you say something wild you know my twins line again and then

and then watch somebody fall over so so I don't remember what I did the second time but I did something oh he's good and I remember actually I remember so then they had you they had you fit you know you fill out the packet and this time I didn't try to be wild on the packet I just try to be like just talk about my life and so then they called one time and then they made you set up a camera and they would call you and interview you and you had to mail them the tape okay and then they did that three more times and it was with therapists and different types of people that work at their company okay then

they had to talk to a therapist yeah oh interesting you had to talk to a therapist yeah I still know where this lady Laura Kakori and that's her name real sweet lady but yeah and then they had you drive to a regional like they had like 20 or 30 people drive to a regional place and so I drove and I went in the hotel yeah and it's and in the hall in the hotel it smelled kind of it was like kind of a it was in a urban area and it smelled like a lot of like urban kind of haircare products and stuff you know kind of like because I grew up you know with riding the school bus a lot of black kids a lot of black

kids at school and I was like oh it smells kind of like black people in here you know and I remember saying that right when I sat down and I could just see their eyes just like they're like we got a race we got a ringer right and I didn't mean it like oh man it fucking smells like black yeah I didn't say that I was like oh it smells like I can't remember exactly what I said that smells like a black woman in here I think maybe that's you always said shit that made me like yeah it was something kind of specific you know yeah and it did that's what it's you know and I was right no joke two seconds later a black

woman comes in and asked everybody a question in the room and I was like oh it's that it maybe it's that lady but um yeah and then so then I remember after that they yeah they would ask me more questions about race or and cuz they wanted people that sort of like push buttons and stuff right yeah they wanted people that would say stuff that was outrageous I think right or just I don't know if I was just too naive to even know filter maybe yeah it's no filter yeah but also I think people knew I wasn't you know I've never come from a place of like I'm I have any anger or yeah I've maybe had more curiosity than right you

just seem kind of misunderstood by the rest of the cast at least what was oh yeah what aired I think I was and then cast members at a certain point they start to become cast members right so they're like oh okay I'm this person yeah one who's gonna you know like if anybody says anything inside a line I'm gonna be that you know yeah some ladies like oh I'm gonna come out of the closet you know even though I don't even know if I'm gay you know some guys like oh I'm the guy who's gonna fuck everybody you know some guys like I'm gonna boss steroids you know everybody's got different roles right but yeah anyway so

that was that and then one day they called and said hey do you want to go on road rules do you want to go on this trip yeah and it was crazy because at the time so many people watch the show right MTV was only yeah MTV was huge and I remember thinking man this is gonna be just a life change you know I remember going to a basketball game that day and walking into the the stadium the basketball place and thinking man next year if I do that show next year half these kids would know who I was yeah when I came in here and and that was kind of it that was a just a wild feeling kind of and then when I then I went into

the show went back to LSU and it was a nightmare oh really people were so mean people would throw shit at me all the time holy shit make fun of me call me all kind of names yeah I remember one time I was at a bar I was waiting to go into a bar and some kid threw a bottle and it was right by my head and shattered on the uh on this bar right next to me oh my god that's when I was like man I got to get out of here yeah it's just not safe for me to be around here right one night some people I forgot about this I was at a bar about Tulane University and some kids started fucking with me and then started chasing me and

I ran up to a house I banged on the door this late it was a girl was a group of girls lived there yeah some of them were asleep this one girl was awake and she let me in and then these people ran around their house and were throwing things through their windows oh my god just drunk kids like 3 30 they broke like 3 windows in these people's house and I was just like Jesus dude I'm man it was just just a couple of weird you know shit that was real scary yeah you know so I was like I probably need to get out of here was it that they thought you had like like they wanted to take you down a couple pegs yeah I think so and I don't

know if I had ego about it I can't remember I don't really think I did I mean I was sleeping the fact that you were on TV yeah this guy thinks he's cool this guy's different I don't think it was a matter of how you were acting just like oh he's on TV fuck that guy yeah yeah it was just a lot of like really shit that made me uncomfortable yeah I was like I'm not doing this yeah that's crazy I didn't I would have never guessed that that would have been the I wouldn't have either yeah and that shit was scary like what happened to the basketball game they're all throwing bottles at you yeah there was just some

scary moments now that wasn't everybody right right but that was just a couple things where I was like oh I'm not gonna you know I'm not gonna die down here because somebody wants to be a prick you know right and that's when you moved to LA I think that's when I moved to LA yeah but anyway that's kind of a fucking downer story I mean it that sucks but it is it's interesting yeah that was the journey of it it kind of illuminates we were talking like Amanda by and she was child star and stuff when South Korea it was just never as good as right perceive it's gonna be in your mind you're young oh yeah I was young I was 19 yeah I mean

that's young one cool thing was one time they had flew me to back to Los Angeles for something and they sent a limousine to pick me up yeah which was so bizarre dude I'm sleeping on my friend's floor we're sharing a floor and he would always bring home these crazy fucking drunk chicks and and I would have to hide and fucking kind of sleep by the closet you know under under a bunch of sheets so look like nobody was in there oh my god and anyway so I had to I had the limousine stop at the bus stop because I usually wait it's one bus stop and pick up everybody and got in and dropped them all at school and that was

a fucking pretty cool day just pulled up like hey you guys get in we're going directly to campus it's like 7 30 in the morning people are freezing oh my god that's that's like that comedy club up in where the sand Sunnyvale or something they always would send a rooster yeah like a stretched limo for just you you're like what's white is this the fucking 80s what's happening yeah you're like you're like your one book bag and like a satchel of merch like okay you're almost embarrassed you're like the only place this would be okay in Vegas we're in Sunnyvale yeah fucking Twitter over here looking down on me that's crazy

that's what's one of the weirdest clubs you played over the years you feel like was there something weird when you were starting out there with the one that is tripped me out was in Peoria the jukebox or so I love Peoria but I never played the club there the comedy club is right beside a strip joint there's a strip club on one side of it and then right across the street is a race car track but like we're dudes just like it like the race car tracks like mud mm-hmm it's like demolition derby yeah kind of but they're racing where so it's like it's crazy loud and we're dude you know it's kind of more of a passion thing that

is like a passion project yeah like anybody can be raised they're like making these cars in their backyard like racist people will show up like I'm ready like nah nah man it's not that it's cars yeah so that was that was a trip like everybody was so nice but like so dudes would wander over from like the strip club drunk below or Emma and I'm like so being a lesbian what and I would fuck with these dudes it was so fun but you like if the door would open it'd be like it was insane so you couldn't like not talk you had to talk the whole time oh yeah it would drown out the engines yeah that was probably

one of most memorable ones the jukebox juke something like that comedy jukebox or something I need to go there that'd be dope yeah I performed once back when I did last comic standing oh yeah I forgot you did that yeah you did it too right yeah I made it like the final 40 or something yeah I was like same it was like that kind of thing they I started touring pretty much right after that but you know nobody only people who knew who I was right a couple people yeah I watched the show but they like hired me for a charity event in Virginia Beach they're like oh it's gonna be like sit down dinner it's gonna be really nice it's

supposed to be like sort of through a gay organization and I guess like a week before the guy in charge quit and some other guy was just like handed the project and he was like so I ended up being at like a biker bar like Harley you know the dinner was like a Chinese buffet with like eight options and there was no gay people in sight and I had my mom meet me up there from North Carolina cuz you know I was new to touring and stuff yeah and fuck man the stage was like a crate like a fucking you know Coca-Cola crate and the light was the light was a clamp one of those clamp work space and the mic was like sounded

like a karaoke like a kids karaoke machine was like I want to hear some comedy and they hired an opener who used to come up with a comedy store Steve Moore he was he was an old comic and he was supposed to do 20 and I was supposed to do 40 and he lasted two minutes he was bike it was like biker dudes that were just like what the fuck is this and and there was maybe only like 20 people there he lasted two two minutes he got hit they still paid him he got his check and he left and I was like dude you can at least be make it 21 in here come on and I got 20 bikers looking at me like I'm insane and my mom's looking at me

like what profession have you chosen and I don't buy the grace of God I just like somehow figured out what to talk about for 40 minutes and got it done got it done but you know that's early on when you're just like I don't really have 40 minutes so I think I was like asking what's hey sir like where are you from you know that shit like crowd work and I mean I've never been scared in my life to be on a crate yeah great it's so hard you take every step is a fucking no yeah yeah every time you move is like yeah on my karaoke machine yeah you got your stripes though you know dude I remember we me and a friend

of mine went to a school University of Arkansas Little Rock or yeah or some or it may have even been a smaller one right and we had to be on a crate it was outside yes it was outside we had to be on a crate yeah people brought sofas and everything they were kind of fired up yeah bringing their own and we didn't know what to do we had no plan yeah in another community which had about eight minutes right yeah it fell an hour we stopped before it like a store that had a bunch like a dollar store got a bunch of fucking weird prizes yeah and we had two girls take pregnancy tests no at the school they had to go in and take them

and bring them back to the crate back we're standing on a fucking crate outside and the audio was good though okay that's good yeah and every and both of them came back negative man and they won something that's if it came back positive you get a baby one girl it's sweat when guys started pacing in the distance we're like jeez holy shit you're like your prizes condoms I had a crazy show it was also an Arkansas out of college and it was one of my first college gigs and at the time I had this character because I came from I did growlings first and then transitioned in to stand up so I had like I had tested

for SNL twice I had this whole past comedy thing of characters and improv and all that stuff and I had a character that was a Hooters waitress named Darlene Witherspoon and so I filmed myself like in an alley pretending to be a Hooters waitress and it it I didn't go viral viral but it like a lot of people watched it and so I was sort of known at that time as like Darlene Witherspoon and so I got hired to do this college and they mentioned that they were fans of Darlene Witherspoon so I just assumed well then that's probably why they're hiring me all the students must be fans of Darlene Witherspoon so I

again didn't have a ton of material you got to build it up and so I at those colleges you have to do an hour and so I did like 40 minutes I found my way through that and then my big idea was that I was gonna take my clothes off and under my clothes would be my Hooters outfit where I'd be in this tight Hooters shirt and these tiny orange shorts so I I take it all thinking like here comes the big finale I'm in my time this tiny outfit I'm going through the rows of kids they all are horrified none of them ever heard of this fucking character it was the people that hired me who were fans the like you know advisors these

students were just like you know they're 18 like why is this fat girl in a Hooters outfit and she's why is she like everybody was like my clothes are up on stage in a pile I was like well I misread that situation and you must have known immediately to that it wasn't going well no and I there it is see damn my fat asses in this hooters outfit fine and I just these kids were just you know when you're 18 they're like uncomfortable for they're like yeah they're not in on the joke because they're so fucked up college kids that are going to those events are fucking fucked hard they just think they are they feel

sorry for you they're like yeah oh man like what did you know what happened to this poor woman they're like I'm part of the Native American initiative here at fucking Fayetteville Arkansas it was and I still have like a good 15 minutes left you have to commit to that shit we're just like I'm gonna prance around in my Hooters outfit just acting like this is normal do my word show was I mean there's so many of them but one of them for sure University of either North Florida or Central Florida it was their battle of the bands oh man and so they hired I got to be the host the MC okay so I go out in the beginning I'm

thinking I'll do a couple minutes warm them up and then and you know it'll get the crowd going start to bring up a band well I go out there they don't give a fuck about me dude they don't have some dude honestly through the American flag at me I remember it was a big one it was on a thing and it just came and hit the stage so they literally boo me off stage and it was about 800 kids in a small venue and they were all excited because I think it was a Greek thing and it was their battle of the band so each one had a band that was gonna play yeah so I go backstage and I burned through all my material yeah they couldn't even hear it

it was so pissed I go backstage I bring out a band and like okay you just need to do you know about four or five minutes between each man now really Jesus which feels like an hour when you're gonna eat I felt my spine literally crawl out of my ass and hide in my sock dude so I just came out again and literally I kept coming out to the point about the fourth time it became funny that I was coming back out again yeah but man I remember crying internally like tears forming but not coming out of my face and only going backwards into my throat hundred percent and it was just painful man oh my god this it was dark we got a

question right here came in all right fortune two questions do you wear a bra and would you or have you ever shot a porno oh my god I got I get sort of I didn't have the thing did she say do I wear a bra she said yeah what did she say yeah do you wear a bra and have you ever or would you shoot a porno why it's quite a question that's some diverse question do I wear a bra my titties are down here I do wear like a it's like a kind of like a shout out North Carolina right here nice to say hootenanny hootenanny nice I do wear a bra it just I don't wear the ones with the wires and the the things so my my

boobs should be like here if I did do that so now they're like a little bit like midsection they're kind of like man boobs a little bit go moves I wish I was a little more but they say women oftentimes they're not wearing the appropriate size bra really I gotta go to one of those bra specialists and get like a better one probably and would I shoot a porno that's a big no yeah I mean I'm sure that comes as a shock to people watching or listening oh nah this is not a porn body this is a turn the lights off you know no no candles even no wow oh my darkness I'm more one lamp in the

distance oh speaking of no lamps here's a guy who definitely just woke up says dick fuel hey what's up Theo what's up fortune my question for both of you is when Netflix calls is it a call do you have to go in for a meeting how does that go down when they go hey you're getting a special how does that work also if you could turn into a motorcycle would you thanks yeah brother and he said it's his shirt say dick fuel and the motorcycle man I think and the dick dick fuel and the motorcycler motor motor I don't know cycles maybe he likes motorcycles um yeah how does it work because you have a

new special coming I do on Netflix yeah January 21st it's called sweet and salty it's my first hour it is yeah I've done two half hours I did one for Comedy Central and then one for Netflix so I'm excited that's so exciting super pumped for that and yeah I for me well I did the half hour first as part of the stand-ups it was like Nate Bregat yeah and Nikki Glazer if that happened they call your agents I don't know what how it went with you but for that they call my agents and then just sort of offer it and so that helped me sort of get in the door with Netflix and then they I think we went to them like a year and a half

later to do an hour and they're like no because it's gotten very competitive you know they're saying no to a lot more people nowadays because there's so well they make so many special it makes so many specials they said no why they just it felt like that it was time that you know it's all about timing and stuff so yeah I mean it's just and it's their opinion yeah and and and so I just sort of and I got the same sort of answer from other people which I was kind of surprised by I was like I think I'm ready but I just was like all right it's sort of forced me to kind of put my head down and just hit the road even

harder so I spent a year and a half just I mean I've been touring since 2010 pretty much since last comic so I hadn't stopped that process but I just like cranked it up even more where I was just like gone like every weekend just like beat beating this set as hard as I could trying to make it better trying to get it to a place where it they couldn't deny it or who would be at Netflix or whoever yeah and uh so but if you don't really think about that as the end goal you're just like this is what I'm doing I'm a comic yeah I'm just doing my thing yeah you hope for this yeah I thought of like what's gonna happen yeah bigger picture

you can't control you can't control if someone's gonna bite or not and and so I got it to a really great place and and then they it sort of came at the same time I'm doing a morning radio show for them now on Sirius XM just uh it's me and Tom Papa it's called Water Joke and so it sort of came like you're gonna do this radio show with them and also we want your special oh wow so it was I think a phone call and then you meet with them later but you know I just I don't know for me it was like I I've gotten plenty of nose in my career but I'm very motivated by those nose it makes me like you know I got I was on a

pilot Tina Fey produced I was so excited about and it didn't go and it just like something was like all right you got to know but you have Tina Fey's ear for like five more minutes what are you gonna do with that so I pitched her show you know selling my own show and we've shot that pilot it didn't go but that led to me being on the Mindy project so I just try to use those nose has a big motivator yeah and now I shot my special I said I shot it in Charlotte sweet North Carolina was it called sweet and salty sweet and salty yeah and I love sweet and salty right you know and you shot in North Carolina shot in North

Carolina wow your folks came out yeah everybody came I mean a lot to me because I've been in LA 17 years and they don't really get to see my world and yeah what I do much and so to get to share that with them was a special for me and it's a very autobiographical set where I go through like birth elementary school I take everybody on this sort of timeline journey and then I'm bring it back sort of full circle and I talk a lot about being from the south you know and because I think the South gets a bad rap in a lot of ways there's assholes everywhere but ignorant people but I fucking love a southern people been so

good to me and I am proud to be from the south and I wanted to have it filmed in the south because I think people associate the south with certain people I'm like well I'm from the south yeah I feel like I'm a good person yeah the south has so many good people yeah I wonder sometimes why they why it's almost like the people that make a lot of the news stories have never even they're not from there yeah they have no idea most of the people I know are good people yeah have manners they're kind they loving do some for their neighbors would help anybody would help a neighbor with no matter the color of their skin

does it's something man it just makes me so mad sometimes yeah so I just wanted to like I'm not ashamed of that part of me myself and my past at all I'm southern but I'm also gay and I'm also a daughter I'm also a sister yeah so I tell a lot of stories that I think a lot of men in particular kind of assumed they wouldn't be able to relate to my story and a lot of dudes come to my shows like with their girlfriend or their wife's and you can kind of see them be like all right what do you got and then by the end they're the ones they're like oh my god like that was I had such a good time yeah and that means so much

to me because I'm like I'm trying to just make people feel good I'm telling stories that everybody can relate to yeah so I'm really proud of this special and I just want people to watch it because I don't know just I feel like I'm I'm presenting a different look outlook on that world yeah when they also have an I was talking about this yesterday I think we had Tommy Tommy we had Tommy Lahrenin yesterday the newscast she's like a fox you know she's and she's very conservative you know right but I was talking about they haven't had anyone from the South in comedy since the blue collar comedy

tour right really yeah there was a big gap Reba I mean they've had they had read that Reba show which was great yeah Reba shows great yeah you ever watch that yeah I love the fuck it's good yeah she's so how we that shows great um yeah there was a big gap huge gap and so it's it's like you tell me in a place where there's so much history so much good storytelling so much creativity right and that's a thing like Southerners are such storytellers and that's a lot of my stand-up is I'm just telling stories I'm not I'm not doing the like setup punchline setup punchline that's never gonna be my style I'm like here's a

funny story and it's gonna make you laugh you know on the way to telling you what happened and I think that's a big southern thing I think like you know we tell stories because we grew up with like people that you would think like that that's not a real person yeah no I grew up with that yeah that's a real person this is a real story yeah and that was like my entire childhood and I'm what I grew up watching everybody tell these crazy stories and they're like full of life and full and I I mean of course you know that influenced me influenced you and a lot of southern comics you know but yeah I just I felt

I felt like being gay you're sort of just like thought okay well you're gay comic right I go no I'm I'm still southern yeah that's still a huge part of my upbringing I still have my accent like it's I go I want a house in North Carolina yeah it's a big part of me oh that's amazing no I love hearing you say that yeah and southern women too like what you're telling me there's not I can't imagine how many great personalities have been missed out on yeah that are southern women you know that are just and I think a lot of southern women also don't think of getting into comedy right probably because I think in

some of the in some of those spaces there's still like more of a you know men kind of do comedy right a lot of times yeah I mean like when I started the store like Sarah Sarah Tiana was there so that was nice to see like she's from Georgia oh yeah she's great seeing like another stand up but you know there's like a handful of us Nate Brigotti's done so well yeah and there's a girl on Instagram to Chelsea Lindy you follow her oh yeah she's so funny just trailer trashed yeah yeah Luke Brian's house oh yeah their video of her and Luke Brian's mom I was there that day you were I was there that day yeah they

had a big charity event at their house can we watch it I don't know if we can watch it on here right now oh my god it was so fun his mom's Luke Brian's mom she's out there smoking a cigarette now yeah she was driving around with a golf cart smoking yeah okay Luke Brian and his wife Caroline asked me to help prank Luke's mom this is Chelsea so he's like telling his mom that this girl's been stalking him yeah he's telling his mom's mom's having a cigarette they're standing by a golf course

this is a shot on a phone it looks like to hear come that's it back yours it is hey It's so funny. They prank each other all the time at Christmas. You could have killed his mother with this, man. That is, it's hits. So, Luke's wife, Caroline, is a big pranker. Oh, really?

So, every year, she does 12 days of pranks, miss, or what, yeah. So, this was like, they said, she's, this was months before Christmas, she set this up, because they had a big charity event at their house, and- Is it a golf tournament? It was like a bunch of stuff.

It was like a gun range. It was putting, it was a fishing, it was like a day outside, and they played like music and stuff, and raised money for the Bret Boyer Foundation, which helps kids with like, heart defects, and down syndrome, stuff like that. Oh, that's beautiful.

Yeah. Dang, that sounds like fun. Oh, it was awesome, because that, you talk about getting back to my roots, like, I don't get to do stuff like that very often, you know, live in LA, I'm on tour all the time. Yeah. Like, just to go to somebody's farm,

and like, fish, and like, you know, you're just shooting targets and stuff, and they had skeet shooting. Oh, really? Yeah, it was awesome. And then they had like, the, all the, like Jason Aldean, all these guys were playing music with him that night, and-

Wow. And Kid Rock came out. He did? Yeah. Was it in Nashville? It was, yeah, in Nashville, at their, they have like a house, and it's like a farm. It's in Leapers Fork out there?

No. I don't, I honestly don't know. They like shuttle you somewhere, cause you know, they don't want, people don't know them where they live. Oh yeah. Blindfolder. Put you in a trash bag.

That's awesome. What's so funny is like, my fiance is like, you know, lived in Chicago 12 years, and then it's from Michigan, and they go, do you guys want to shoot a rifle? We're like, yeah, we'll try it. And so they had like five targets, and I tried shooting, I hit like the target maybe once. She gets the rifle, and she's like,

pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, appears. All like holy. What the fuck? She nailed all five targets without even like flinching I'm just like. Oh, God Kingdom garden cop, huh?

Kingdom garden cop, 100%. dancers, nice surprising like okay, now I can pay her with security. That's right. Yeah, she'll protect me. I'm the pus. Our alarm went off one time, and she, and I was like, we gotta wait for the cops.

She's like no I'm going in, And I sit in the doorway, I was like, I have my hand on the panic button of the alarm system. Should anything happen to you? I'm of no use. Don't let this big body fool you. I'm like, that's when I become very straight. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah,

Help me. Help, Theo, I need a man. Oh, I should have been like, you're supposed to be the butch one. I'm like, what are you talking about? Get your man boobs over here. Oh man, that's hilarious. Yeah, I'm so excited for your special. Yeah, that's how it works.

Yeah, yeah, did you call, did they call you? Yeah, I had one. Yeah, let me see. 2015, I think, and they came out and saw me. And then they said, yep, we'll do a special. They gave us like a certain budget. Yeah. And that was it.

You shot yours in New Orleans? Shot mine in New Orleans. And I wish, I really wish I hadn't, just because, yeah. I am glad my mom got to be there. I think my mom got to be there. My family, a lot of family and friends got to come. So that was the best part was just them getting to be part of the experience. Yeah.

The tough part was just people there had not, there hadn't been a lot of comedy there. Same, same with me. So a lot of people didn't know what to do. They didn't know when you were joking. Sometimes they didn't know. Yeah. One person was yelling defense for half the thing. They thought it was like a sporting thing.

Oh my God, really? Some ladies yelling defense, they had to throw her out. Oh my God. Like this lady's out of her fucking mind, dude. Yeah, that's a similar thing where the show started like an hour late, you know, you're filming, they're setting up the stage and everything. So people were like pissed about that. And you're just kind of like, well, at tapings, it's different than a regular show.

At tapings, they do kind of start late because they're trying to get all the stuff. They take cameras and lights and so everybody got hammered in the like hallway. Oh yeah, that's risky. And I were just people pounding it. So people, but people were so excited for me and I appreciate that. I love that. They were like, you know, they were yelling at me my whole set. Oh wow.

Some gay guys were even yelling lesbian. Like as a term of endearment, but I'm like, dude, I don't want lesbian being yelled out during my entire Netflix taping. Yeah. They're going to like some editors going to have to be like, oh, you know, going through this whole thing. Yeah. It's funny.

People don't realize like you don't just cheer the whole time. Yeah. Like just listen to the show. Right. Like cheer. We're going to fucking let them know. It's like, they're going to know. Yeah.

I had one woman who, when I would say the punchline or whatever she got, that's right. And I'm like, no. Or like, yep, that happened to me. This was my first show. I had to be like, man, I love you, but can like you not do that? And she kept doing it like, yep. That. And finally I went, shut the fuck up.

It was bonkers. And then the second show started late too. They had been drinking it all night. So it was rowdy. It was a rowdy. Yeah. Yeah. So I, I'm glad I the same.

I'm glad I did it there because I got to share that with friends and family. But you know, it's risky. It is. Yeah. Because people think it's just a party. We're coming out to party. Exactly. Which a live show is.

Yeah. Any live show you're just like, yeah, I want you to have the most fun ever. Let's fucking have the best hour and a half ever. Yeah. What you want. We'll do it. Yeah. But at a taping, you're like, I gotta.

You just got to get this done. Yeah. Yeah. It's tough to be up there and be a comedian and also trying to feel like you have to kind of like, uh, produce, you know, like, you know, be a, you know, a controller as well. That part was the most interesting because you, it's harder to like stay in the moment, you know, like as a live show, it's just like so natural. And you're just like, I'm connecting with you.

You're connecting with me. But like when you're taping, the producer part of you is like, oh, I messed that line up. You kind of like, or you're like thinking about where you're standing. There's something a little more unnatural about it. But then by the second show that night, it was like, okay, let's just, let's just do this. Yeah.

Yeah. It gets to be, uh, yeah, let's just do this. Yeah. It's time yet, you're like, yeah, you, you just start to realize, okay, there's things I can control, things I can't. Let me just do my best. Well, you know, like I said, I just want people to watch it. January 21st.

January 21st on Netflix. Sweet and salty. I love it. That's right. That's so exciting. Where are you going to watch it? Uh, I'll be in New York doing press. Uh, so I guess somewhere in New York and then I leave like two days later to film a movie.

Oh really? Yeah. Yeah. Oh wow. I've never filmed there before, but it should be fun. To San Juan, do you know? Uh, San Juan. Yeah.

That's beautiful. I'm flying to San Juan to shoot for two days on that movie, uh, then flying to Pittsburgh to shoot a day on another movie, flying out on the red out that night to go back to San Juan. And as soon as I land, I go back to filming. Damn. It's crazy. Uh, but it's good.

I mean, I'm always been trying to balance the stand up acting life. I'm just happy that anybody wants to hire me, so if that's what it takes, I'll do it. Yeah. You've always done what it takes. It sounds like. Yeah. I mean, I come from, you know, I come from very, uh, nice working folks. My mom was a special ed teacher for 30 years.

Oh wow. My dad was, uh, worked at a trucking company and then the last 10 years, he's basically been a janitor at an elementary school. Oh wow. He's like in charge, he's a janitor, but also he's in charge of the janitors there. So I'm very like working class, like we didn't have much growing up and you just learned from an early age. You got to work.

Yeah. Nothing's handed to you. And, uh, you know, I started working at the recreation department when I was like 15. Did you really? Mm-hmm. Lining softball fields and picking up trash and, uh, work at the rec department. What was it called? That's right.

Belmont Recreation Department. They called it. Uh-huh. And, uh, and I loved it and, you know, but we just, I, when I moved to LA, I had $25 in my pocket. Damn. You just figured it out, you know? Yeah.

You're just like, I have a goal. I want to keep a roof over my head. And for me, it was never about trying to be famous or anything. I didn't think someone like me could be on TV. I was like, I just want to pay my bills and, uh, and you know, there were times where before I got like, uh, Chelsea lately, I, I like had no, I was done with money and nothing. And I, but I was, and it like scared me because I thought, well, I can't like call my parents. They can't bail, bail me out of a rent or something.

But there was something in me that knew like, even if you have nothing, I'll go work at a Starbucks. Yeah. I'll go work at a UPS. I don't give a shit. I'll do whatever it takes to pay the bills and I'll figure it out. So yeah, there is something nice when you have a family member, you grow up having like just an understanding of how to figure things out.

And I feel like that's one thing I learned as I get older, I see sometimes there's people that depend on other people to figure things out for them and there's people that are able to figure things out for themselves, you know? And there's, there's really a, it's beautiful. It's a beautiful thing if you've had to figure things out for yourself because it's such a, I mean, that's the, it's just such a skill. You know, it's such a skill that some people don't even realize they don't have. They're like, oh, I need the government to do this or I need, you know, like, it's like,

yeah, to have that skill to be able to survive. You gotta be able to pull yourself up by your own bootstraps, you know? Like I find the people that I know who've been handed things their whole life, they don't know how to function sometimes. And you're like, come on, dude. Like, you get, yeah. Tighten up. And it's just like, as hard as it was growing up with like, you know, we had, I'm not saying

I had it worse than anybody else, but you know, we, there were times the lights were cut out, the, there was, you know, the, the water bill hadn't been paid and you just are like, all right, we, you know, we at a young age would pull our money together and be like, all right, let's pay the water bill. You know, you just figure it out. And so my, my mom as a teacher, like in the summers, she had to go get a job waitressing at like a sizzler type restaurant. Oh yeah.

I used to like sizzler. Yeah. It was called Quincy's. Oh, was it really? Yeah. Oh God. It sounds good. It was, there's no ego in it.

Yeah. Like it was embarrassing for her. She had to wait on like friends, family, families and stuff, but there's no ego when it comes to taking care of yourself and your family. Yeah. You just got to do what you got to do. So I think it helped prepare me for LA for this business because, you know, it's like I'm lucky that I'm working, but I don't know what's going to happen.

Yeah. You can't. Yeah. You have to. There's no city that'll make you survive. I don't feel like, like here. Yeah. And I was here, you know, eight years before I made a dime at this.

So I had to do other jobs, you know, you just figure out other ways to make money. Yeah. Yeah, so I'm just always like hustling as a result. I never stopped. Yeah. Well, and that's a nice thing. Some of that never stops. You know, I think that thing never stops like the, the desire to achieve or to figure

it out. Yeah. Well, the flip side of it is that you're so consumed with this being secure and making sure you're never in that position again is that you almost work too much where I spread myself pretty thin. But I'm doing what I love, so at least I got that part, you know, I don't think my dad loved being a janitor. Yeah.

But you got to do what you got to do. So at least I love my job and I get to do really cool things. Yeah. It's true. I love sweeping though. I fucking love sweeping. Yeah. I would have been a janitor, man.

My mom, he's putting me outside. No, it's sweet, man. I'd sweep everything. I'd sweep stuff that wasn't ours. I'd sweep the cars. I'd sweep the damn sidewalks. I'd go sweeping halfway down the damn block. Oh my God.

I'd have to come get me, so I was like, oh, that's not ours. Come back. Yeah. My dad's big thing was doing floors. He was good at stripping. With that buffer? Yeah. That buffer.

He'd strip floors and wax them, and that was his big thing. I used to ride on that buffer, sometimes they had this one man, Jerry, it was a janitor and he would let me ride on that fucking buffer for a half a minute sometimes. I bet he did. Hey, you want to ride on this buffer? Oh, yeah. Yeah. If you mean the machine, yeah.

I'm in. If you're talking about that, you got it. Dude. He's like, yeah, sure. That's what I was referring to. One time, these two janitors were walking in the hall. I just told this story yesterday, and one of them said to the other one, he goes, hey, did you set the chairs up in the gym?

Mr. Ford's going to be speaking in there this afternoon. And the guy goes, President Ford? And the guy goes, fuck no, Mr. Ford. The science teacher. What do you think? President Ford. President Ford. That's right.

Get those good chairs out. It was just so baffling to me and also beautiful how this man was just working in this school every day and thinking, hey, man, the president might show up. That's right. It could happen. It could happen. You got to dream big. Fortune Fiemster, thank you so much.

Of course, Theo. For being here. It's always lovely talking to you. It's such a good time. It's one of my favorite chats that we've had in here. January 21st on Netflix and, yeah, Sweet and Salty, and I'll share it on social media. I'm excited for you. Thank you.

I really appreciate it. Yeah, you bet. Thanks for coming in. Yeah, buddy. I'm just floating on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves, I must be cornerstone. But when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind. For me to set that parking brake and let myself unwind. Shine that light on me.

I'll sit and tell you about stories. Shine on me. And I will find a song, I will sing it just for you. And now I've been moving way too fast on the runaway train with a heavy load of mountains.