This Past Weekend - Responses to Wife Strife | This Past Weekend #66

Episode Date: January 11, 2018

Best Call in Question yet came in from the hotline. Callers share suggestions to Andrew's Wife Strife. I had fun. Thank you. Hotline: [phone] Grey Block Pizza https://www.greyblockpizza.com Patreon Support: www.patreon.com/theovon Thank You Chris Perez. Kaz. Bud Galloway. Sherbbbbbb. GUNT ME LIKE A HURRICANE: Matthew Snow Renee Nicol Ryan Wolfe Angelo Raygun Carla Huffman Robyn Tatu Beau Adams Yoga Max Bowden Shawn-Leigh henry Roar Hanasand Laura Williams Not Even Wrong Xela Person Open Mind 101 Deanna Smith Mona McCune Suzanne O'Reilly Rashelle Raymond Chad Saltzman James Bown Brian Szilagyi Monica Hynes Matt Eckenrode Arielle Nicole Greg H Dave Engelman Dylan Clune Calvin Doyle Robert Doucette Jacob Ortega Jesse Witham Andrea Gagliani Scott Swain William Morris Qie Jenkins Aaron Jones Jon Ross Kevin Best Haley Brown Ned Arick Milo J Garcia Lauren Cribb Ty Oliver Tom in Rural NC Christian from Bakersfield Brian Martinez Matthew Holland Charley Dunham Casey RobertsSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

All right, we got caller suggestions for Andrew. Them Olympics are on the horizon. We got one of the best caller's questions that I've heard yet has hit the hotline. Happy and excited to share that sucker and drop that lint into your trap. It's only Thursday. So what? So why? We've done Thursday before. We got this again. It's Thursday, January 11th. This past weekend. There we go. Man.

It's like taking your shoes off at your cousin's house, baby. That's what I feel like when this hits. Like taking your shoes and your socks off. Gonna let your cousin get a hit of your stank. Let's have some fun while we all die. And that is Spencer Jacob Growl Band.

And Spencer Jacob, for those of you guys who don't know, he hit me up. I don't even remember when. It could have been a year ago and said, hey, I feel like this is something you could use. It might be able to help your podcast. And I've met him in person. He have long hair. I mean, that boy has long hair. You know, and long hair is dangerous to me.

Because say you're hanging out of a window, you don't think anybody could get you. With a fade, nobody can really wrangle you. But you're hanging out of a window and you got that long hair, somebody could jump up, get you. Snatch on to you. You know, you could get your hair cut in a fucking blender. You're trying to make a smoothie, next thing you know you're making yourself. Woo! Next thing you know, boy!

Next thing you know, one of your ears and cheeks ends up in a big sippy cup. And that's the dangers, I feel like, of having that long hair. So sometimes when I do see people with really long hair,

you know, I'll say a soft prayer for them in my head or somewhere in the back of my head. You know, that's something that happens with me sometimes. Small prayers will go off in the back, in the back of my head. Good to be here, man. Welcome to This Past Weekend, and it's the Thursday edition. And I am excited to be here with you guys. Thank you all for joining me. I'm just checking my levels here. Making sure that we're all good. And that is that.

I got to guest host today on Fighter and the Kid. You know. And it was fun. I got to go in there. Brendan Schaub was in there. They got that beautiful. They have a beautiful Korean gentleman in there. Named Chin Yun.

And he is. I mean's korean you know and he is um and koreans they seem very you know it seemed like they have secrets in them and i've always felt that sometimes about a lot of asian people and this this can be me being judgmental but this is also just me exploring my thoughts here is that you know when you see an Asian you kind of for me I get a sense of wonderment you know I got a sense of like oh peacefulness staring at two Asians or three Asians it's almost like meditating for a for a minute it's almost just as effective when you see the docileness, that docility that the heavens and that the Lord have packaged in, you know, to a Korean or to a Laotian. You see them just, oh man, it's pretty remarkable. You know, it's pretty remarkable sometimes to see, to see an Asian and to feel

that inquisitiveness about what's going on in there. You know, and I've always wondered what it would be like to be Asian and what it feels like. And I actually got to talk to him about that a little bit. And it was pretty cool to get some of his take on there over at the fighter and the kid and to spend time with Brendan Schaub. He said he's sick. He said he have a little bit of something. I don't know what it is. Something got him, something got up in his system. You know, he wears a lot of fancy clothes and different types of fancy wool on his body. If you guys don't know who this man is, his name is Brendan Schaub. And he is a, he was a fighter, you know, and he was one of those men that would get into those cages and those dirty cages because some of them look dirty. If you look at them on maybe the television, I might be watching in only 720p or something, but some of them cages look like they don't really dust all the bars and everything on them.

fighting and and you know and some of them look like they have ear infections and all kinds of shit and they're tatted up and they're in there just beating the damn bile out of each other's assholes and uh he was one of those guys and he didn't die or anything and he's you know mentally he is he's alert you know and he's i don't know if he i mean he might have to wake up every day and hit those smelling salts just to get his day going. I don't know. But he seems active and coiffed. He's very, you know, he's coming in a little bit French if you look at him. He's very coiffed up. You know, he has special types of gels and lotions on his ears and his whole skin and everything.

You know, it's almost like, you know, like something. You know, it's almost like, you know, like something like they just dip him in some type of a fancy tub of damn fucking Guatemalan space chemicals or something in the morning and it just leaves him fresh. You know, it looks like he's the kind of dude that kind of washes his ass with coconut water. You know, he's a little bit fancy like that, but he was a fighter. So there's these two elements to him where he's coming in kind of French. Then he also has this element where you know he's been through the battles of men. He wears a lot of

fancy different types of wool and fancy attire. Could be alpaca. Could be Mogadishu. I'm not sure what types of furs and stuff he wears, but he, you know, he has a lot of fancy footwear and he might, you know, he might have cufflinks at his house. You know, somewhere in his closet, he might have a shelf that's starting to come out of the wall a little bit because it has so many cufflinks on it, heavy cufflinks. a little bit because it would have so many cufflinks on it, heavy cufflinks. Because he has strong arms too. He could probably hold up some heavy cufflinks.

But he's, you know, he's one half of the duo called the Fighter and the Kid. And it was nice to be in there. And Brian is his partner. And they're non-sensual partners. They're just work partners, associates and friends. And their podcast is called The Fighter and the Kid. If you haven't got to check it out, I recommend that you do check it out. But Brian couldn't be there today because Brian is, he's an actor. And I've known Brian Callen is his name. And I've known him since I came into town. And he was always like this guy that I really looked up to.

He just has a charisma. You know, he has a spark in his eyes. He has two sparks, one in each eye. And it's like, I'm trying to think of what it feels like when you're around him. It's almost like he has this grin and stuff like he's up to no good. And he probably is up to no good. But he's also at the same time up to good. And that's the vibe that I've always gotten around him. But I've always admired him as a performer. And I remember seeing him on Entourage, the television program.

And I've always admired seeing him. But anyway, he couldn't be in there today because something happened to him. And so I was able to go in there and be a guest associate in there today. And it was fun. We had a nice time. And that's one thing that's been like a blessing, I guess, in this podcast universe is that you just get to have conversations with people. You know, for so long in my life out here in Los Angeles, and even probably just in my regular life, there was something I couldn't conversate very well. I couldn't sit there and listen to someone. I couldn't, sometimes I couldn't hear people. You know, I really just was so just stuck inside of my head that I i couldn't hear i mean i could hear them i could

hear the sounds and i knew what they were saying but i couldn't ever internalize or or really be involved in the conversation and it's been nice with some of these podcasts to sit in a room for a while with another man and nobody's doing cocaine or nobody's trying to touch each other's privates or, you know, you know, pretend the lights went out so they could, you know, try and touch each other's underarms or anything like that and just enjoy, enjoy their company and also not feel that pressure because out here in Los Angeles, there's a lot of pressure on straight men. To let men out there, you know, to turn around. You know, to get into that, you know, to throw your dick out into the...

It's a lot of pressure out here. I don't want to say it's gay pressure. But you get out here in some of these environments and you know there'll be a dude trying to trick you into just throwing your dick up in the air to see who will catch it and it's like i know who will try and catch it you will you will brother and so a lot of times, you know, a lot of gay men will be like, well, you know, this fellow's trying, um, gay men, a lot of times we'll be like, you know, I didn't choose to be gay. It's a, it's part of nature. And I believe that a hundred percent, you know, I think it's, I think it is, it's very, to me, to me it seems narrow to believe that people who are gay don't want to, that they chose that. Now I think these days we are getting into more times where people are choosing whatever they want.

Whatever they feel like that evening. You know? like that evening. You know, if they want a little bit of that, you know, a little bit of that fricking brown eyed girl, then they might find another man. You know, if they want that Hershey, you know, that little Hershey peephole, they might find another man for their night. But internally, you know, I think men who are gay are born that way. you know I think men who are gay are born that way and um and so you have a lot of men out here will be like well I didn't choose to be this way you know this is not choices in mother nature this

is the way I am and that's that and I respect that that's that's them that's the who they are but then it's wild because you'll be at a bar and you'll have a gay gentleman trying to get you to, trying to be gay. And I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, buddy bear. I'm not gay. And he'll be like, well, how do you know? Because, dude, when I look deep into your eyes, dude,

or when you look deep into my eyes i want to defend myself that's why but it's crazy sometimes a lot of gay dudes that gay dudes are keen because they're still dudes they're still going to try to get what they want to get you know they're still going to try to maneuver and block and and parry and you know assault and you know and, you know, assault and, you know, and not assault, you know, but just, you know, take action, defense, action, defense to try to catch that hit of seed, you know, to try to get another man to spray out. And so it's,

you got to beware out here of men because that's the, for straight men in LA, that's the pressure circle comes around when the gentlemen show up. And they're fancy. And they want to be fancy with you, but you don't want to. You know, I remember they had a,

I had a manager that set me up with a, and I think I've talked about this before, I had a manager who set me up with a, and I think I've talked about this before, I had a manager who set me up with a, what was it, an agent. And this gentleman was trying to take me out to the club. And I'm thinking, I'm young, I'm new in town. You know? My hair still had all of its full natural color.

From God, that straight up Roy G. Biv that he dropped into my skull was still fully evident in my mane. And this man, you know, I remember him when we were, you know, he's trying to be fancy in the club and get me drinks, get me tall drinks. Drinks that have two drinks in one drink. Double drinks. And I'm just, you know, kind of, you know, I'm wise, I'm keen, but I'm also, you know, I'm wanting to make it in Hollywood. You know, I got those kinds of desires and thoughts in my head. And this man,

he had a convertible car. And so, you know, he's got me trying, you know, he's driving me home and he's got that, he put in that convertible top saying he likes how my hair seems wild, you know? And he put his hand over on my leg and kind of squeezed on my leg a little. You know, like when he made a joke. Almost like a dad with a kid, you know? Like, if you make a funny joke and you squeeze your child's thigh a little bit or something. And that's safe area if it's you and your child. You know, and that's just comfortable hand activity.

area if it's you and your child you know and that's just comfortable hand activity but this fella he had me feeling uncomfortable but that's sometimes something you have to worry about out here as a straight man and terry cruz actually came out about it you know they have a lot of this the you know the me too campaign going on or not campaign. But people sharing the experiences that have happened to them. And some horrid experiences. But then you also got experiences coming out now. Like this dude asked me out once. What a piece of shit. Like well come on.

What's he supposed to do? He's just trying to be a man. He's just trying to be a man. He's just trying to be a man. But as a straight man out here in Los Angeles, that's where it comes around for you a lot of times is, is gay men out here trying to be wild. And no disrespect to gay men at all. You know, I have a couple of,

I have one of my best friends, Matthew Cole Weiss, is a gay gentleman. And he, and I love him to death, man. You know, I know that he's had a ton of struggles. One of the same places that he and I struggle is with depression. And that's one of the things that made us be friends in the first place. I mean, I met, he had a roller skating party. This dude, this girl I knew, and she was a little thick, kind of, you know, round in the chest, you know.

No real tits, but a lot of fucking sternum. Sometimes that sternum stacks up so much in the front, it's just nipples on bone out there. And she had that. You know, not even ABCs or Ds, just, you know, just a couple of just fucking nipples holding their own, you know, rooted in bone. And she took me to a party. And it was his birthday party and there was men out there. Everybody was roller skating. And years later, he'd be like, well, did you know that I was gay?

You know, because I think, you know, it seems like when you're a gay man and we'll have one of as soon as we can get some guests in here we're going to start getting into some questions and really being able to talk to people that are different than me so that i can you know have some experiences with these people and learn more about what it's like to really live in somebody else's shoes but he said well how did you know i was gay i said man well man, you know, I had an inkling. You know, I'm no fucking MacGyver. But I had an inkling when you was having a roller skating birthday party at the age of 26. That, you know, that was a fucking, you know, that was a dime in the tip jar right there. But yeah, that's one thing you got to worry about out here.

As a straight male is the other man coming around. And it's big now. It's a sexual harassment. And with all these allegations and everything out there, it does make me wonder. It makes me think back on some of my own past. You know, some of my own choices. And I've never been violent with

women. You know, I had, I had an instance when I was in high school, when I got extremely drunk at a party and I blacked out. I don't remember this. Um, and when I blacked out, if I was at a party, I like to try and find the nicest car at the party. And if the keys weren't, I like to take that bitch for a spin. You know, because I got the dark arts living down inside of me. I got the jester of death down there juggling, juggling, you know, juggling oranges in my soul. And he will, when I'm out, when I shut down up top in the brainstem because of that liquor, he will take me for a ride you know he'll go out there and find the nicest car and take that bitch around the block you know because he wants to

endanger me but i remember being at this party and next thing i know my buddy um you know he was like kind of a defense kind of boy in our town and he had a little bit of that ds that down syndrome and i actually talked about this today on um on brennan shalb and the fighter and the kid my buddy heard that you know that i had gotten physical with this girl at this party you know and and he said you know you hit you hit this girl you hit this girl you know and, look, I have no recollection of this at all. I'm not saying that I'm not one responsible for it. Um, but I mean, when I saw her the next day, she didn't have, you know, it wasn't like I had, she said, you pushed me down. Um, and, uh,

and that hurt, man. It hurt to know that if I wasn't in control of myself, that the actions that could come out of me. But also what hurt was the dude that put me in, the dude that came and accosted me about it when he heard about it. And I don't know if you've ever been in a chokehold of a fella that has Down's Syndrome or Down's Syndrome. I don't know what they're calling it these days, but he fucking put me in that hitter boy in that hard scarf, he called it. You know, he put that fucking hard scarf on me. And I couldn't, man. But anyhow, you know, I'm rambling. But I want to get into some of the calls that have come in. You know, but it is when you hear about these sexual allegations and this and that, it does make you start to think in your own life.

Were there times when I was out of line? You know, were there times when a girl wanted to leave my place and I was, you know, being wild? And sometimes that's not a problem. Sometimes that's normal chain of command. That's normal. What's going on as a man behavior. I'm not going to, you know, part of man is that, you know, that that Samba, you know, you come, you come close. I'll back up. You back up.

I'll come close and on and on and on and on until somebody's, you know, skeeting out or, you know, sloshing out of themselves. And that's part of the party. But it's when, you know, it just makes me think. And that's okay. These times are okay. They make us think. But it'd be interesting, you know, when some of these allegations come out,

I would also like to see how many, I know there's female predators out there as well. You know, there's female predators out there as well. You know? There's some shady babies out here. There's some shady babies out here in the mangroves. You know what I'm saying? And there's some ladies out here who can, you know, who got, you know, who got women out there,

you know, you know, feeding them soup out of their vagines and all of that. Doing all kinds of crazy stuff. And they got women out there who are, you know, a lot of women have probably approached a lot of these men and tried to fuck their way up. And I think that's that missing element that needs to also be shared so that we can see that the cycle. shared so that we can see that the cycle, because a lot of times we've, you know, everybody wants to complete, you know, 70% of the equation, but they don't want to put in that 30% that doesn't tell their story fully or that won't, that doesn't fill in the whole realm. You know, and I think that this is, we got to start filling in the whole realm and being

honest about what's going on across the board. But this episode, you know, we usually on Thursday, we do some follow-up. You know, we had a call that came in on the Monday morning episode, and this is what it was. And I'm going to play that for you right now, and then we're going to get into some of you guys' responses. You guys hit the hotline with some great responses. The hotline is 985-664-9503.

If you have a thought about the podcast, a question, if you have a fear, a concern, you can share your name. You cannot share your name. Just know that if you hit the hotline that we may then use that call on the show. I just want you guys to know that. But anybody out there that needs help, needs some group think, I'm happy to share any suggestions that I have. I don't have all the answers. I don't have actually fucking any of the answers, dude.

I'm 37 years old, boy. And I'm out here driving this struggle bus, son, all aboard. Here we go. This was the call that came in from Andrew on Monday. All right, here we go. is the call that came in from andrew on monday all right here we go my name is andrew from prince over down in canada i want to address a dark arts my wife is overweight i was overweight we both agreed on it i've lost the weight and she hasn't and there's no way for me to bring it up without being the asshole or the emotional abusive man. But I'm just not attracted to her and I don't want to fuck her.

So I do turn to porn a lot. I don't know. I'm just attracted to a certain thing and she was it and now she's not. And I don't know how to tell her that she's got to get back to that. Wow. And that was the call

and that was heavy, Andrew. And we got some calls that came in for you, man. And I want to get into those. I want to get into those. I also want to let you guys know that I'm going to be performing. I want you to let you know I'm performing this weekend, January 11th through the 14th at the Brea Improv. January 18th through 20th, I'm at the New Comedy Club in Jacksonville, Florida. February 8th through 11th, I'm at Harvey's in Portland, Oregon.

And that's that Pacific Northwest up there where people are fucking drinking pine tree juice. And people are wearing flannel hats and shit and rolling their babies in fish tears and all of that shit. February 16th through the 18th, I'll be in La Jolla, California at the Comedy Store. February 22nd through the 24th, Indio, California, Fantasy Springs Casino. And also in March, I'll be in Tacoma, March 22nd and 23rd, I believe. Oh, no. March 15th, 16th, and 17th. I'll be at Tacoma and Spokane.

At Spokane on the 17th. And those will be going up on theovan.com slash tour. Okay, Andrew, we had that call come in, and I want to get some of you guys' responses for Andrew. I hope you're listening, Andrew. If you're not Andrew and you're somebody that has had a similar circumstance, which, man, I think we can all relate in the way that we've wanted our spouse or someone we care about to be different. And here's some responses. Here we go. The guy, I think his name's Andrew. If you're unhappy with your chick because of the way she looks,

you take a long, hard fucking think about what you're doing. And I'm going to tell you what not to do because I was in that position. Ooh. This feels like it's going to be good. Let's go. At no point, at no point do you tell her it's because of her fucking weight. Find another avenue. Cause I did that to my ex-wife and it crushed her.

Women are more sensitive than we are. So you're right not to let her know. Marriage to them means for better or for worse, for real. She's at her worst. You loved her for better now where you at wow man I appreciate that call man sorry about that that's my email

that's a good call and that's for real you know yeah it's like who do we man I've been cause I know I've been a piece of shit. And people have still loved me. And you know what's the wildest is, that's when you really learn who loves you.

That's when you really learn who loves you. You know, when I'm, you know, in the gym and I got the abs going and I'm feeling great about myself and I got my medication, the milligrams are on point, you know, and I'm feeling, you know, vibrant and I got a new shirt. Yeah. Oh, it's easy for you. Yeah. Yeah. Everybody loves me then, you know, but when I haven't brushed my teeth in three days because I'm not feeling good you know and I'm wearing this shirt that's wrinkled because you know I didn't feel like I put it in the dryer two days ago but then I got depressed and fell took a nap or didn't you know take all my responsibilities and stay on top of my game

you know and I'm wearing the same pants and belt because my belt's fucking broken and I tied it and I've been jerking off so much I'm too weak to even untie that belt off of me around my waist so I got the same pants on because I ain't got enough strength in my arms because I'm skeeted out my energy's all sprayed out of my wiener then what when somebody still loves you then you know and that's a good comment I appreciate you saying that because that makes me think you know I needed to hear that

you know because I certainly have somebody you know in my life who's loved me at you know at some of my toughest moments you know in moments where I felt like I was alone or moments where moments where I probably would have been, had some fear. I'll be real been scared, you know,

going into a surgery or going into a tough day and they called or they checked in, you know. So that's a good way to frame it up. Now, Andrew, I'm not trying to point any fingers at you or blame you. We don't know your situation exactly. But that's a good call and that's a good way to think. And those things do sit heavier with women. You know, with men it's different.

Because women, they know once they have a baby too, you know, their body's all, you know, they start Rubik's Cube. And next thing you know, you know, half their stomach is down, but on their thighs and everything changes, you know. And that's just part of God's plan out here. We've got another call that came in. And this one, this one, let's hear it.

I have not heard any of these calls yet, but I do know in the notation here, it says that this is from David, who's a marriage and family therapist calling in for Andrew. Here we go. Hey, Theo. This is David calling in response to Andrew's question on your last episode. What I want you to think about for a second. Thank you.

Thank you for calling, David. Onward. Your wife, she don't want to be fat and overweight. And by you losing the weight, guess what that does? That makes her feel more shitty and more insecure. Trust me, every guy out there, if you don't like your body and like the way you look, think about the normal woman, times that by 100, and that's how they think about their body. And in her mind, because you lost that weight, it's going to make it harder for her, right?

One other thing I want you to understand is that being real is how you're going to connect with her. So being vulnerable is very valuable. You've got to be vulnerable to even're going to connect with her. So being vulnerable is very valuable. You've got to be vulnerable to even be available to connect with her. And pornography is an intimacy issue, dude. Think about this. You're more likely to look at porn when you don't have a connection with yourself, families, friends, if you're not connected with your job.

If you're not connected with your wife, you're definitely more likely to look at pornography. So those are all just information, stuff like that. But I know you want to be a positive influence for your wife. I know you don't want a divorce, man. You pull her aside and you tell her, remember, you got to be vulnerable with her first. You can't just be like, hey, you got to do better. You got to lose weight. All that criticism ain't going to work. Tell her, baby, I know I've made some comments about your weight. I criticized you in the past and I'm sorry. Give her compliments throughout the day when you see her making little choices. Like, you know,. Instead of saying, oh yeah, you could eat better, just say, hey, you know, babe, that's cool that you chose that. You didn't have to do that.

And there you go. And I know I let that call play long, but that gentleman talks fast. And that guy sounds pretty smart, and he talks pretty quick. And any man that can put that many words together successfully in a row without and it sounded like even use the correct punctuation so at that point you let a man go you know that's like when somebody you know that's like when a train's coming by and you know you want to touch one of the the windows on it man fuck that dude you touch the window on a prius when it's going by you don't fucking touch the window on a Prius when it's going by. You don't fucking touch the window on a train. And that man was on a train.

But I appreciate that. That's some good insight. You know, just a little more insight for you there. We got another call that came in right here. And then, guys, we got one of the best caller questions I've had come in. I just know it from the sub line. I'm just ecstatic, bro. So let's keep this vibe going here. Here we go.

What's going on, Theo? This is Nathan from New Hampshire. Thank you for calling. Nathan from New Hampshire. And one of my good friends, Mike Boogie, is from over in New Hampshire. And that's a beautiful state that I've never been to, but that my luggage got lost one time on Southwest Airlines, and my luggage went to New Hampshire.

So a lot of my clothes that I'll wear, if you see me sometimes, you might look at him and be like, oh, he's been to New Hampshire. But that's just an illusion because my clothes have been. Onward. Calling in in regards to Andrew and his issues with his wife and their issue losing weight together. I guess my first suggestion to him would be try to get his wife to go with him to the gym, you know, try to persuade her, say, I don't want to go to the gym by myself. It'll be a lot easier if we go together. We can motivate each other, use that type of tactic. Or you can also use the whole New Year's resolution thing. I mean,

I think it's perfect timing for that, you know, say, hey, why don't one of your New Year's resolution thing. I mean, I think it's perfect timing for that. You know, say, hey, why don't one of your New Year's resolutions be to go to the gym more often and make that deal happen that we had together? Because it sounds like he completed his end of the bargain and she didn't. Yeah, that's a good thought. That's a good thought right there.

You know, the damn spin of the earth. You know, it went around the moon or whatever, however it works up there. You know, the damn spin of the earth. You know, it went around the moon or whatever, however it works up there, 364 times to give you that excuse right about now, didn't it? Mr. Andrew. So you have that galactic excuse

on the horizon. And that's, you know, that's, fuck. If this shit happens in May, boy, you shit out of luck, but this shit's happening right now, um, here we go, man, we got another caller that came in, uh, but I, you know, that's, you know, I'll, You know, it's tough, man. It's a tough situation that you're in.

And it's tough also because of the influences that are out there today. It's like even if you're not looking at pornography, even if you're not doing that, fuck, if I look through my Instagram feed, say I wake up in the morning, right? Say you're with your girl or say you're with your girl. You wake up in the morning. She's at her place. You know, y'all going to meet for breakfast. You, you know, you out there, you hit the toilet, you know, you letting your body do that blow out. You know, you changing your fucking oil and, and you look at your Instagram feed. You've seen, you just looking at regular pictures. You're not even looking at anything nasty or any, you know, any titty work

or anything like that or even any pictures of women by the beach or anything. You're just looking at regular stuff. Now going through the feed, you're going to see

nine or 11 pictures of chicks, hot chicks probably. Attractive women or women trying to look their most attractive and doing it successfully. So before you even meet your lady, before you even meet your lady for breakfast, you've

already seen nine or 11 good looking chicks. You've already been stimulated because here's the thing. You might look at something. You don't think anything. Your brain thinks something. Your brain is way, our brains are way more powerful than we are out here. So next thing you know, you see your lady, you've already been stimulated 9 or 11 times by hot women. And if some of those women are in sensual positions, or you know, fucking, you know, picking an apple out of a tree with their fucking, with their ass or whatever, you know, some of these women are doing on the internet and, you know, jumping up in the air

and fucking, you know, showing their pussy to the moon or whatever they're doing. You, if you see that, you're stimulated before you even see your woman. So what I'm saying is there's so much stimulation out there that we don't even know that's chipping away at our libidos

before we even see our lady. So it's front lines out there that we don't even know that's chipping away at our libidos before we even see our lady so it's front lines out there sorry that's an alarm right there reminded me uh to not think about myself damn you know i'm fucked up when i got that thing on there um but yeah so look the stimulation is out there and, and we're fighting it, and that's a, that's a, but that's a good, that's a really good point that you gave in there, you know, Nathan, with that call right there, that's a really good point that you, that you gave, and I'm gonna play the end of that one more time, I want to go to the gym by myself, it'll be a lot easier if we go together, we can motivate each other, there you go, because the thing is, is sometimes you have to do it together, it's not like you do it, and I'll do it. Let's do it at the same time. That doesn't always work because if you get it done, then at a certain point, I wonder, Andrew, if you were even for the second half of your training, were you even training out of resentment?

fueling you because that would be fueling me if I make a deal with my lady and she's not doing it I'm still doing it then I'm going to the gym and I'm showing up and a half that second you know them last fucking 40 humps with those kettlebells are out of resentment and I'm coming back to the house with my shirt off I'm spraying extra fucking you know rose water on my chest in the car and shit before I go in the house. So I'm looking flexy when I walk in. And at that point, I'm riding on, you know, what's driving me is not healthy. And I'm not accusing you of that. I'm just saying that would be me. That would be me if I was in your shoes.

That's what would have been happening to me. We got a beautiful lady that called in here. It just says female caller. That's all I have been happening to me. We got a beautiful lady that called in here. It just says female caller. That's all I know. We're hearing this together for the first time. Here we go. Hi, Theo. I have some advice for your caller, Andrew. Yep. Thank you for calling. Let's hear it. I would say to Andrew, if him and his wife's mind fuck ever. My significant other and I, we don't really, you know, do sex that much, but our minds fuck every day. He's just my ride or die. He's the kind of person that if I'm feeling down,

he'll do anything in the world just to make it better. And, you know, that's what I need in a partner out of life. And I don't know if for Andrew, if that's the truth for his life. So if he has issues in that department, that might be what's causing a lot of the regret or resentment towards his life. So I would say focus on what really matters in life. Those people that will be there for you. Yep. And I didn't mean to cut you off.

Let's hear the end of that. Those people that will be there for you no matter what. Sorry, the call ends right there. And that lady's saying, well, how about mind fucking? You know, that that's more important than being out there in the sensual streets. That getting your minds to fucking, you know, reach across the room and tangle up next to each other. You know, letting your thoughts mix and letting your words mix and sharing ideas and being sentimental and sensual that way.

And not even ideas like, oh, let's touch and let's fucking, you know, squeeze each other's titty meat and shit like that. She just means regular conversation, I'm assuming. She just means, you know, talking, communicating. And I noticed that too man i you know this girl i was talking to and i've been talking to and you know and when i get the you know like i need if things get too complacent in the communication that can be scary when you just fall into these comfortable patterns it can be awesome because it's comfortable.

But at the same time, it loses the allure kind of dies. You know, some of the novelty wears off. Even in conversation. And so you have to, fuck man. And I'm just realizing now, I don't see how some of you guys do it. I don't even see how you do it. I mean, I don't see how some of you guys do it. I don't even see how you do it. I mean, I don't see how some of these guys do it. And stay in these relationships and are able to do it. I commend you, man.

I commend you, fellas. If you're out there. If you're out there and you're staying. You're holding the line. You're out there dunkerking. For that ass. For that wife. For that family. You're out there dunk kirking for that ass, you know, for that wife, for that family.

You out there done kirking. Because fuck, man. I've thrown in the white. I've raised the white flag, dude, many a times. And not even when the going got tough. Fuck, I brought the white flag to the first date. You know, but I don't want to always be that way. And I don't plan to always be that way. But, um, but sometimes, uh, you know, where we are, where we are until we

take action and then we can end up where we want to be. And that's why I'm hopefully trying to do, uh, here we go. Now, Andrew, this call says Andrew added more info. Andrew called and added more info. Now, some of you guys know we got the assistant Chris Perez, a Latino gentleman. And we got Wild Corey. And Wild Corey handled the technical side. And we got Bud Galloway. And Bud Galloway is also another technician. And he's been out of town.

And he also sometimes does a little bit of drinking. But Wild Corey got a fucking you know he got that action in his fucking jacks and you know he got the you know he got that you know he got a he coming in like he fucking hung out in a thunderstorm too much and caught off he didn't catch lightning directly but he was sure as fuck was standing next to something that got hit by it he's got that in him but chris perez the beautiful Latino gentleman, he's the one who puts all these calls in. And so here we go. This is another one that came in.

And this is from Andrew who called back. Here we go. Hey, CEO. It's Andrew from TVI. Prince of Rhode Island, Canada. Again, I didn't mention that there's love there. Like, I may not be attracted to her, but I deeply love her. And we have three beautiful children whom I also deeply love.

So I definitely don't just want to scrap it. But I do need to figure out how to make it work. Well, that's good added information. And thank you for calling out about that. And I think you got some unique calls that have come in, man. And I'm glad that you brought this up because this is some fucking real shit. I remember seeing a dude one time. This dude, just when I was young, dropped his wife off in our neighborhood, man.

And that was it, dude. This lady, Terry, boy. And she lived by us for about nine years. I remember seeing that dude leave, boy. That was it. Fuck, I remember she got out and they were arguing or something. Dude, leave, boy. That was it. Fuck, I remember she got out and they were arguing or something. And I went over there to look at the car because the car was kind of nice.

It was like a Nova, Chevy Nova. And I'm like, damn, that's a fine fucking car, boy. You know? And it had bumper stickers and shit on it. You know what I'm saying? That made it fucking tight. And they're fucking sitting there fighting man i'm looking around in the windows and shit and then he left i remember even waving i thought i didn't know who they were man i waved at him and then terry lived in our neighborhood for about nine years bro her husband dropped her the fuck off and it was interesting

because i had you know i didn't ever have any feelings for her or nothing, but I did, you know, I saw some of her struggles and saw what was going on. And she would kind of, you know, there were times where she went through bouts where she was, you know, you know, we'd go over there sometime and we got into, when peeping Tom was popular,

just before everybody had cable, when you just go get you a little ladder, you know, or rent a ladder and go watch people in the neighborhood fucking live their lives. Sometimes it'd be sex. Sometimes it'd be people, you know, beating each other with shit or I don't know what it would be doing. But we used to go peeping Tom at her house a little bit and it got pretty interesting seeing a single lady out there in them Dayton streets, you know, in the early 90s. Praise God. All right, man. Let's hear a little more.

This is another call that we got right here. And that's it. That's all the calls that we got, Andrew, that came in on that topic. So I appreciate you calling in and letting us kick it around a little bit. And you said that you're going to that pornography as an outlet. And that's the thing. Now, that's a separate thing

because then you have this whole magnet of pornography that's attracting you. You know, and that stuff gets wild. People, you know, catching, you know, I've seen a woman catch a ground rule double in her vagina on one of those, you know, catching, you know, I've seen a woman catch a ground rule double in her vagina on one of those, you know, Vietnamese sites. And it's, I mean, damn, boy. This lady had a fucking Ozzie Smith down there between her legs, you know.

So you got to be careful out there because you can get addicted to that. And they'll use trickery like that to wrap you into pornography. Oh, you love sports? Okay. Well, here love sports? Okay. Well, here's some lady catching a fucking foul ball in her ass. And next thing you know, you think you're watching baseball. And next thing you know, you jerked off and you passed out. And you passed out in the family chair.

You passed out on the couch. Or you done sprayed out and passed out on a glass coffee table. And your nephew comes in there and finds you. You know, and then that's that. And then you're doing something else because then you're heading down that way. And I have had, I have struggled out in them J streets. I've struggled in them jerks. And the thing I was thinking, I was even thinking about this today, and we even talked about

on Fighter and the Kid that I noticed when masturbation got out of hand for daddy was when it wasn't even about. I wasn't even feeling that much joy from catching that newt, you know, from fucking, you know, because you, you know, you pleasing and pleasing and pleasing. And then you catch that, you know catch that newt Gingrich, boy. And I wasn't even feeling joy from catching that newt. All I was feeling was, I was feeling like I had serviced a habit. You know what I'm saying? In the beginning, when I would jerk off or masturbate, I would feel, you know, like a joy, like, oh yeah, I'm a randy gent. But then I noticed over time, it would feel like, oh, it was almost like if you

smoked a cigarette, it was like, oh, it just, it fed the habit. You weren't getting anything out of the action really anymore. You were getting a little something. But a higher percentage of what you were getting was just feeding the habit. And for me, that's when I noticed that not watching how much I entertain the idea of pornography is dangerous. Here we got a call right here that came in. And this is from Michael. Here we go. Hey, what's up, Theo?

This is Michael from Tacoma, we go hey what's up p.o this is uh michael from tacoma washington oh tacoma and i'll be up there like i mentioned earlier and that is march 15th and 16th and the 17th i'll be in spokane let's hear more from you uh mr michael so you're always talking about self-pleasure and quitting masturbating and all that and it got me to thinking the the best and worst orgasm i ever had in regard to uh self-pleasure and quitting masturbating and all that. And it got me to thinking the best and worst orgasm I ever had in regard to self-pleasure. So, you know, I started doing it when I was around 10 or 11 years old. Oh, man. And it's crazy now because here, you know, what's weird now is Michael tells me that. And now I'm picturing in my mind a young boy.

Now, what the fuck is going on? So does that mean I'm a bad person? Is Michael a bad person? Or are we just sharing a story? Onward. It's old, right? And I thought I was being slick by taking a shower. So I would take like three or four showers a day.

Oh, yeah, boy. Dude, there was probably about seven months where I didn't take a bath towel off my body, boy. I was sitting there fucking young, cutting, dude. Dude, it was fun jerking off when you were young, man. How much fucking fun was it? You got home from school, people were like, what are you going to do? Oh, nothing. What are you going to do?

Oh, nothing. All right, bro. Talk to you later. Then everybody ran in their house and jerked off, dude. Or sometime, depending on the weather, you guys might fucking jerk off out in the woods, you know? That was fun, man. That was being young. And that was when it was an adventure.

Let's hear more. I'm curious now. So this one time, my dad, he needed help moving a couch because he just got a new couch. So I'm like, hey, dad, you know, before I move this couch, let me take a quick shower so I can get myself right. And I mean, and I thought I was being slick. Obviously, I wasn't. He knew what the fuck I was doing. Damn, dude.

Now, that's an early warning sign. If you got a jerk off for you can even adjust furniture. It's going to be a long life because, you know, the average person moves about probably about seven times in their life. Let's hear more. So I go to the bathroom, I turn the shower on, and I'm sitting crisscross applesauce on the floor and just kind of doing a little bit of sensual stuff with myself, you know. So as I'm getting closer, I kind of stand up and get near the sink

so I can kind of spray out in the sink, you know. Oh, boy, that's that old, whoo-hoo, that old sink jack, huh? A real man goes over to the toilet and tries to fire it all into the bowl. And you know that. Here we go. Michael taking the easy way out by the sink. Onward. You know, no muss, no fuss.

All of a sudden, my dad opens the door. And I could have sworn I locked that damn door. Oh. Because sometimes your brain and your spine is so lit up on the potential of jerking that you fucking forgot to click that lock. It scares me so bad. I just start spraying all over the place, all over the sink and all over myself. And the worst part is it felt good, too. So it was the best I've ever had.

And I've been kind of chasing that dragon ever since. Damn, dude. So you're probably wearing your dad's shirt sometimes and just jerking off to try to get back to that vibe. Hmm. Man, I can sympathize. One time, you know, I was, and I'm hardy

in the cock, boy. You know what I'm saying? I'm coming in thick, Rick. You know what I'm saying? I'm coming in all sternum and nipples, bruh. You know, I'm coming in. Damn Rick. You know what I'm saying? I'm coming in all sternum and nipples, bro. You know, I'm coming in. Damn, son. If my dick had a rib cage, it would have about 70 ribs in it. And sometimes, you know, I'd be masturbating at home because it became, you know, a popular activity.

activity. And I remember one time, pleasure myself and sitting on the bed, kind of one, I was kind of sitting on the bed, had one knee on the floor, like on the edge of the bed, kind of, kind of kneeling down, you know, and, you know, and just, you know, hitting myself with a couple of A and C chords right there on the wing. And my mother opened the door. And I was like, what the fuck, mom? Close the door. So she closes the door. Now I'm high.

I'm high on that erection. You know, I'm high on that sensuality. I mean, I don't know if there was a bigger dopamine rush than being 14 and jerking off. So I go right back into it, dude. You know? You know what I'm saying? I'm playing Every Rose Has Its Thorn on that. You know what I'm saying?

I hit right back to those CAD chords on my wing. You know, the ones, them pleasure chords, the ones that get you right to that poison. You know? And my mother opened the door right back up. Like four seconds later. Maybe two seconds. And I'm still jerking off. And I'm like, what the fuck? Man, and that just.

And you know what? You know, and I do. I love the fact that I've asked my mother one time about that. Does she remember? And she said she doesn't remember it. And I believe that she does. But, you know, in the kind heart of a mother, she would never say that she does. And, you know, i'm grateful for that because

i don't have to i can remember that but when she tells me that she doesn't it makes it so that i don't have to remember that every time you know in those awkward moments i don't have to that doesn't weigh as heavily on me and that is uh that's one of the graces that our mothers allow us a lot of times, is the things they choose to forget. And that makes me even think more about your wife, Andrew. I don't know her. And look, I'm not saying that I haven't, I mean, I've stepped out on any woman that I've,

any relationship I've ever been in, I've struggled in. So I'm one to talk. But it is amazing the gift that women have to look past things sometimes. It's amazing. A woman that really loves you and cares about your well-being, the ability they have to look past and to forget

things that they could remember. Now also, boy, them bitches be remembering shit. Them bitches be remembering shit. Maybe mothers a lot of times will do it, but that's a grace that women have. That really almost is a definition for me,

a very specific example of a grace that women possess and that mothers possess is the grace to not remember things about their sons or their daughters that they know it doesn't do them any good to hold on to because they know that it only hurts us if they do.

Now, we got a great call that came in. And also, I wish you the best of luck, Andrew. I mean, you know, and I'm not trying to, no judgment from me, you know. And I don't think for anybody. I thought this was fucking interesting. There's a lot of interesting. A lot of interesting shit out there. Because some people's killing their wives.

They got a man out there. Scott Peterson's. He killed four or five fucking wives dude. This dude killed four or five fucking wives. And they can't catch him. So it's, you know, as long as you're not doing that, at least you're starting from somewhere. If that's not your start answer, then at least you're in the running to be a

good husband, to be a decent man. It's never too late to turn things around. You can learn from everything. So just fucking stay in it, man. Stay in it. All right. We got this call right here and I've been bragging about this one. I haven't even heard it yet, but this call seems so legit to me. Now, a lot of porn stars have died in this past year. Last year. And it happened towards the end of the year. And it's sad when anybody leaves this earth. But this call came in right here.

Hey, Theo, this is JP from down in Alabama. Alabama. JP, I recognize that voice. That's my boy right there, JP. Let's hear it. Calling you about what may be one of the darkest arts see i'm about a i'm 35 year old and i got about 23 years in the uh masturbation game okay so you've been out there a good bit man you at least uh uh you at least a green belt

and you are 35 you sound about 60 but, but no disrespect, son. Onward. And I was calling you about dead porn stars, man. Had two of the greats pass away in late 2017. Well, now they've left behind all this material. And I feel like a lot of people that are, you know, scrolling through these porn sites and stuff, they may not know these girls are dead. What are your thoughts on people jerking it to dead porn

stars? Wow, if you didn't know what that is, that's my mind blowing up. That's that fucking brain shrapnel landing in your lemonade. Because J. Because JP from Alabama, who just won that natty, natty, champy, champy, that nayship, that natship.

And Nick Saban, I'll say this, dude, I don't care who your team is. If you don't like Nick Saban, then you just have an issue with greatness because that man is captivating. And here's why I'll tell you this really quickly, why he is. Because the pressure that mounts. I know he's got a million five-star recruits.

I think that they should put a, I think that they should stop the amount of recruits you can have that are of a certain ranking. I think you should only be allowed so many to even the playing field. Because at a certain point, that conduit to the NFL just runs right through Tuscaloosa. And they need to shut that down at a certain point or narrow that so you could widen other rivers. And in turn, I think give a lot of those players a bigger field to shine on because they'll be up against less talented players.

Therefore, they're going to shine brighter. But I'll say this with every year that they win in the five out of seven years that they win championships or whatever it is, five out of nine, the pressure mounts. And that is when greatness, that is when you are at that level where you, that is when you can then reach for greatness or bubble up even to a higher level is when the pressure continues to mount and you continue to rise. And that is what I think is remarkable about Nick Saban. And I'll say that about Nick Saban and Bill Belichick. He might be cheating. They might be doing different things. And shooting stuff.

And have special cameras. You know. And hiding DVR. And people's fucking kneecaps and shit. But. They continue to win. They continue to rise and to excel. And that's remarkable about those guys.

But JP down in Alabama hit us with that question and it made me think. A lot of people do not know that they are masturbating, sadly, to deceased porn stars. And what do you think about that? What would the porn stars think about that? Would they want their work to still be out there

for men to pleasure themselves? Do you think that is dirtier of men to be doing that? You know, to be tilling their own soil when nothing can even grow in it anymore? It's a good question. And that's one that we're going to get into on Sunday night's episode of This Past Weekend. I have some friends that are in the pornography business. Associates. I wouldn't say close friends,

but I have some people that I'm going to talk to. And I'll see if I can get them to chime in on it. Maybe we'll get one or two on a live call if we can for Monday's episode. And we'll get to the bottom of this. If you have some calls about that, you can hit the hotline. [phone].

I want to thank everybody who called. I want to thank Brendan Schaub, who hit us up and had me in on Fighter and the Kid today, and Chin Yu, and MJ. And also, I got a gift right here. You know, I'm grateful. I mention them a lot. Gray Block Pizza is our charter sponsor, and they came on this year and have been, last year, and have been so helpful in support.

And also some leadership man they got a um they got a fellow over there who uh who helps to he just helps me think sometimes and um helps me get a better overview of of just uh growing up sometimes different stuff but anyhow i just want to say he gave me a gift man whenever we met up great i want to thank the people over at gray block pizza you know and they gave me this gift, man, whenever we met up. I want to thank the people over at Gray Block Pizza. You know, and they gave me this gift right here. And so I'm going to open it right here on air. And if you're on audio, you can't see it.

If you're on YouTube, you can see it. And it's got green wrapping paper inside of it. And I like the color green. Ooh. That boy gave me that hitter right there. Ooh, and this is a Patagonia's. And that's Patagonia. That's a mountain range down there.

I think that's Chile. And this thing's bright green, son. Because you know I've been hit by a Trans Am. At three years old, I got hit by a silver Trans Am down there in Covington, Louisiana. And maybe it wouldn't have happened if I'd have had this on. Maybe this is something nice to wear and something safe to wear. But I'm happy to sport something wild. And I want to thank

our people over at Grey Block Pizza for giving me that green hitter. And if you want that food, you want to get your fill yourself up. And you haven't tried it and you're in Los Angeles, go to 1811 Pico Boulevard on your way to the beach. Grey Block Pizza. Get that hitter. As always, you can grab Onward this past weekend t-shirts at theovon.com.

I want to thank Joey Coco Diaz for giving me a call this week and inspiring me. I want to just wish you good luck out there, Andrew. I want to wish you good luck, man. It's going to be hard, too. My problem is I'll start something and I won't, I won't be able to continue it very well. But I, so if I have a wish for you, I just wish that that doesn't happen to you, that you are able to, to hold the line, man. Cause you got, sound like you got three beautiful kids and you're a loving father. It sounds like

you're a loving husband. Cause I bet at the bottom of all this, you just really care. You know, you didn't call and say, I'm out there, you know, touching ladies' assholes and stuff in the back seat. You know, I'm out there buying a van and fucking, you know, meeting strippers and, you know, installing fucking toys and shit in the back of the van. You said, this, I'm in a tough spot and I'm jerking out and I'm catching seed out there outside of the bedroom well that's okay that's okay man

but I wish you well bud thank you guys for being here I'll see you guys on Monday if you guys choose to show up if you don't choose to show up I appreciate you showing up this time oh fuck dude it's okay man we got the playoffs coming up I wish my Saints good luck

Nick Swartzen I hope you catch a fucking strong D, boy. And the J, son, and the jizz all. Because them Saints going to go up there and do something special with them Vikes. And we'll see it, boy. I remember the first playoff game I ever saw was the Saints' first playoff game. And they played the Minnesota Vikings. And my best friend friend William Teague lived across the street from me and he his mother was a beautiful woman she still is I think and

I went over there to watch that game we were so excited I mean there was never any more excitement I'd ever had in my life and the Saints got beat I believe 41 to 10 and that's when I knew that the devil lurked, that the devil lurked. You guys be good, man. Be good to yourselves. You probably deserve it. I'm out of here. Gang, gang, who dat? Celebrate living, celebrate misery You know that soon we're gonna die Be good to yourselves, baby, I bet you do I bet you deserve it Let's have some fun while we all die

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club Bet you deserve it. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner. The answer may shock you. Sometimes I'll interview my friends. Sometimes I won't. And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.

You have three new voice messages. A lot of people are talking about Kite Club. I've been talking about Kite Club for so long. Longer than anybody else. So great. Hi. Sweetheart. Here's the deal. Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.

Charmaine. I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry. I think Tom Hanks just butt dialed me. Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club. Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club. Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah? And yes, don't worry, my Brad Pitt impression will get better.