Three Bean Salad - Archaeology

Episode Date: July 24, 2024

This week the beans are scraping away the topsoil of knowledge and softly brushing away the woodlice of friendship to reveal a hoard of lukewarm banter for your pleasure. This is all thanks to Pat from Ely who buried archaeology into the bean machine in the distant past naively assuming it would never be disturbed and would be allowed to rest in peace in perpetuity. Hard cheese, Pat!Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladWith thanks to our editor Laura Grimshaw.Merch now available here: www.threebeansaladshop.comGet in touch: [e-mail] @beansaladpod

Wowie, this is exciting. We've got a bean at large. We have, haven't we? And he's looking every bit of the bean at large because he's looking like our glamorous foreign correspondent, isn't he? I'm using a handheld mic. He's using a hand held mic with a sort of windbaffler thing where it looks like a tiny sort of looks like a tiny wig. It doesn't like a tiny wig for a sort of prehistoric man. We also look Yeah, it looks like a very small member of the band

kiss is facing Ben back to us. Presumably poking his tongue out, trying to put him off. That's what it looks like. Looks like you've shrunk someone from Kiss and taken them hostage. It's a really fluffy mic that. It is, yeah. Yeah, so this is the mic I'd use if I was out and about normally, so because I'm away I'm using this. Recording your thoughts. But you're holding it in that that corresponding way because you're holding the stick up to your... it also looks like it's the 90s and you're about to say I'm about to cover a primary school in gunge. Bring on the gunge copter. When TV had budgets for just military levels of gunging. We're just gunging around in primary

schools. It's quite John Simpson, isn't it? It's very John Simpson. It's very freeing, freeing Baghdad. Well, it's helped by the room, which he's in a completely, quite a small and featureless room, which helps with the very, the rictus grin of a war correspondent. It's true. Yeah. You do look like you've been pounding JD and Cokes all night with Simpson.

And who are the other ones? Kate Aidee. Kate Aidee. Horla Gerwin. Just, just JD and Cokes pounding him. Oh, it's been back an alien with the, yeah. With Simpson and who are the other ones? Kate Aidy. Kate Aidy. Paula Gerwin. Just Jadien Cokes pounding them. Oh, it's been back an alien with the whole press corps are absolutely getting it on because they don't know if they're going to be alive this time tomorrow.

They're about three days behind the news cycle because they're just so pissed on Jadien Cokes. This is what no one's talking about. That's why war correspondents do what they do. It's not because of the thrill of being in a complex zone. It's because the party scene is lit. Right? Yeah. So basically I'm near a lovely old medieval town and then of course there's a ring road

around it and on the ring road is the major hotel chain. And that's where I've decided to stay. And on the road outside the major hotel chain is a huge skip that they're filling with mattresses on a daily basis. And I think the message they're trying to send is stop shitting the bed Benjamin Partridge. You can soil this as much as you want. We'll keep bringing more mattresses. Don't worry about it.

Deep soil, you relax. It's your time. You saw the promise on our hotel website, which is no mattress is too minimally soiled for us to completely replace. And the same way that I'm going to test the infinite breakfast to it. In fact, those two things are related. Those two tests. I'm going to test the infinite breakfast to the max.

I'm going to test the mattress policy to the maximum grotesque cycle. You can sign up to the coach trips where you accompany them, where they drive them all the way down to the Mediterranean and just dump them into the sea. Don't you? He loves that. That's right. They have got a kind of guard standing against them. So yesterday I went up to have a look, have a closer look at the soiled mattresses.

And that's what tourism, good tourism is about, is that you improvise. If something comes up, you don't have to stick to the tour guide plan do something happens if a delightful Italian man invites you into his woodwork workshop you go with him if loads and loads of soiled mattresses piled up near a ring road you grab your microphone you go down you explore so i wanted a closer look and the guy started he clocked me he just thought another it's so Instagrammable that he thought isn't it, yet another person. Another mattress ghoul. Yeah.

And I was warned off them. So I don't know if there's some kind of like. Were you trying to get onto them? I thought this is my only chance of being able to do a true princess in the pea style test just on 25 heavily soiled old mattresses and try to detect a small mini fridge. So what was the story with these mattresses then? I'm intrigued. Well, it seems like they're sort of swapping out a lot of mattresses at the moment. Is this from the hotel or from just from general stuff in the area from the hotel? So I'm assuming it's a bed bug infestation. I would imagine.

Oh, nice. Oh, interesting. Okay. Yeah, that's a relief. That's what I'm assuming it's a bed bug infestation. I would imagine. Oh nice. Oh interesting Okay. Yeah, that's a relief. That's what I'm sort of banking on. So I've got a burn on my clothes when I go home I think yeah, so this works. Yeah, and before you get home, I'd say you may have brought the bed bugs Benjamin What caused this? It's possible. We've been a bathroom bed bugs are such a nightmare I'd say it's probably safe for you not to come home now, Ben and just be a digital nomad. You and the bed bugs. Try and get them on the payroll if you can. Just keep roaming. Just keep roaming.

Maybe they can edit the podcast. Very good. Bed bugs are such a, they're a horrific nightmare. Have you ever had them? Either of you badly? No, never. No. I've had them. Have you? In your home?

Yeah. I don't know if I'd even know. I mean, if I, if I was to bump into one on the street, I'm not sure I'd recognise it from her. And that's, that's why they're so powerful, Mike, because they don't take the guys of sort of fully formed human beings wearing clothes and stuff. They're actually very, very small insects. That's part of their genius.

They didn't introduce themselves. They're not on social media. They're not on LinkedIn? No digital footprint. Very small digital and actual footprints. But their tiny little footprints, if you can detect them, are made of your blood. Are they bloodsuckers? Yeah.

Blood. Tiny, tiny little amounts of your blood. Basically, you'll know if you've got them if you wake up and you're covered in welts. That's how it works, isn't it? Yeah. But basically, there's two attitudes you can take to bed bugs. One is you go, this is a horrific crisis. My lower legs are covered in welts. They're tiny, tiny little footprint trails all around my lot sort of home made of man plan. And you can feel a real sense of like, you know, a boundaries been crossed that you've been, you know, you've, you've been sort of violated in some horrible way by these insects living and cause they hide in the crevices, your crevices or the beds. Well, whichever is as warm as the most comfortable

Mike, okay. Take a guess. They do actually hide in bed crevices. They hide in bed crevices, furniture crevices, anything that's crevice. Do they prefer a poorly made bed? If it's crisp with hospital corners? If it's a zero crevice bed? But it's not so much the sheets, Mike, as the, in fact, it's not at all the sheets, Mike, it's the it's the wooden structure of the bed, the wooden slash metal structure of the bed. So they live in the little tiny gaps between bits of wood. So ignorant of bedbugs. Now, a lot of people assume, Mike, you probably assume that

anything that's like a bit of furniture is just been, you know, carved out of a huge lump of either wood, rock, or plastic, whatever it's made of, in our case, ice. Exactly, ice. That it's been chipped off a kind of mother block. But actually, if you look closely at things, Mike, and listeners at home are welcome to do this, you'll actually see that everything is linked up by crevices. We live surrounded by a sort of network of crevices. Because if you stick two things together without

a crevice, you're either mad or God. Can't be done. Can it then? Why are you asking me? Because you've got that microphone, you just look very authoritative. You're holding a stick with them. You're looking like if you don't know, you're probably standing next to a middle-aged man on the scene who will give you a Vox Pop. That's true. A clear answer either way.

Crevice creation is a kind of byproduct of all kinds of engineering and architecture. So in your skirting boards, there's crevices in the doors, there's crevices. So basically, you can feel you're living in this hive of tiny little sort of bastards that come out at night, suck blood out of your body. And you can really panic about it and you can do things like you can basically heat up all your clothes or cool down all your clothes. Both of those are options. Neither make any difference. It just takes your mind off it doesn't it? Neither make any difference at all. But you'll be doing things like, I'm putting some chinos

in the oven. You'll just find yourself in weird situations like that. I'm going to pop these, I'll pop these chinos out of the freezer, put them straight in them, preheat it. So you get a nice crispy finish. I've done this. I've had clothes in the freezer. I've put clothes in the oven. You might crave pants and stuff. You behave like a very unhinged person in a lot of ways.

You braise the jacket. You'll braise the jacket. Sure. Yeah. You'll flambé some socks. Friggen say a wire front. You'll julienne some tank tops and beef wellington a boob tube. All these things can be done.

These are all moth tactics. I've done this at the behest of moths. It's the same in the moth kingdom. I would say this is a bit, this is a tip for anyone listening. If you ever buy anything second hand off vintage for example, or from a charity shop, just freeze it for three days before you do anything with it. Yeah. So what happens is you start doing, you start behaving like a paranoid person, right? Going, this tiny little beings living in all the crevices. Did you know that all

objects are made out of crevices? But actually you're right. You're doing, cause there are little things living in the crevices and they do come out at night and suck your blood and you can potentially kill or hurt them by putting your clothes in the oven. And tonight I should go out onto the street and set fire to those 30 mattresses. Exactly. It does sound like it, yes. And dance around them. Because you'd be doing society a favour.

The other thing about this hotel is that when I arrived, I checked in and the woman on the desk said, we want to be cleaning your room while you're here. I said, why? And they said, we are giving the money to children. It does put you in a bit of a tricky situation, doesn't it? It really does. She's kind of cornered you there. It's quite a clever. Yeah, it's your move.

Yes, you're still paying, but we have not cooked you the food in the sausage restaurant today because we have given your sausage to the children. Right. Okay. You will not be sleeping on a mattress during your time here. We have given your mattress to some children. The toilet paper from your room is with some very elderly orphans. If that's okay with you? What do you mean they don't look like children? If you are young at heart you are a child forever. That is what I say about myself.

Give me your money, I'm giving it to the children as in me and my wife. And not our children, actually, fuck them. Just us. So I think, I think the sense of it is that instead of paying for cleaning staff to come and clean your room, they've given that money to a children's charity of some sort? What rate of cleaner are they giving it? Because you know, I mean, like, how do they know? How do you know? How does anyone know that they're giving that charity the same amount they would have paid for a cleaner? Good point. I'm a bit worried about the cleaner. What's happened to the cleaner?

That's a good point. And the cleaner's children, and the cleaner's children's children. Well the other thing they said to me was, if you would like your room cleaned, please ask. Oh yes, you can choose our bastard package, of course. Simply pull the lever here marked bastard and we will bring you a cleaner. We will make you breakfast. And please, if you just put on this dressing gown with the word bastard written across

the back, we'll be happy to give you some shower gel. But that puts me in a strange position because then it's like, if I would like the room cleaned, it's suspicious, isn't it? When you say, can you clean the room? It means I've done something horrific and I need professional help to deal with this. Do you know what I mean? I think so. Yeah. Yeah. Oh no, my room will very much need cleaning. Yes. You're a, you're a, you're a shit smearer. That's what's understood. Yeah. I'm a shit smearer. You're a shit smearer. That's fine. We understand. We have put 500 of our most absorbent mattresses in the skip ready to deal with the towels that start coming out of your room. We understand that you're

a shit smearer and a shit flinger. Is that right? Yes. We've done our research. You fling then smear, isn't it? Fling and smear. Yes. we understand it creates quite the vicious cycle, one might say. You beast. Well the trouble with that Ben is obviously, well they haven't gone through the environmental angle, which I think is a strong one. There's excessive cleaning of towels and steaming of linens in hotels. That's the usual angle, isn't it? But I've got to say, even though it's a bit wrong, it's quite usual angle isn't it? But I've got to say even though it's a bit wrong it's quite nice isn't it that coming back to that it's like a sort of reset of reality when you come back to your hotel room and everything's cleaned pressed steamed.

That budget hotel scratchy towel. But you're right Henry that's why you know it's a nice thing. It is nice and the ever decreasing size of towels from mega towel down to flannel and all the towels in between one of which is actually a matte. It's a lovely little puzzle to get you started with. It's a lovely little puzzle isn't it? Which one is a darned matte? We've all dried our face with the matte. Of course we have.

Oh yeah, absolutely. I never feel bad. I mean, oh you, next time, next time. We've all tried to make a cup of herbal tea in the toilet bowl. Another thing I like about hotel rooms is the semi desk. Ah yes. I'm on the semi desk. Are you talking to us on a semi desk? Of course you are. The two legged desk. Is it a two legged? Well it's kind of a plinth that's just coming out of the wall.

I love the semi desk, the hotel semi desk. It's so you can like do your correspondence and stuff, isn't it? It's, I think it's, it's a hangover from the kind of great 19th century era of, of hotels where people would live in a hotel for like years and stuff. Isn't it like the, you know, the idea that you're in your room and you do your correspondence or something. Yeah, but they don't even need, yeah. The correspondence is all done by postcard or telegram. Nothing bigger than that needs to go on this desk.

It's superb that. Tell us, tell us more about your hotel, Ben and how it's disappointing. There's no fridge in my room. No fridge in your room. No that's a budget hotel classic. It's because they've given it to the children. Somewhere there are some children who are sitting around a tiny little fridge. Playing with a mini fridge. And they're getting absolutely stung for those peanuts. Stung.

So you've got no mini fridge. To me that's a distinction. That's what makes... Major hotel chain. It's a non-luxury chain. It's a kind of business chain. Right, it's a work hotel. Not exclusively, but it doesn't pretend to be giving you the twiddles, does it?

Like the... No, you're not really supposed to be in there, apart from when you're asleep. Exactly. They're not going to make your towel in the shape of a swan, are they? No, and if you think that is the case, what's happened is that there is a swan in your room and someone's thrown a towel over it. You need to get out. You need to get out fast.

And do not take that towel off. Whatever you do. Even if it's the mega towel, the really big, cozy one for the shower. Just leave it, use the mat and get out. I've got some art in the room. Have you got art? Got some art. What kind of art are we talking about? Ben, date me what yours is.

I'm going to get, can I guess Ben? Yeah. Yeah. It's some sort of field with one of those things that you blow to tell the time what they called a dandelion. Oh, dandelion. No steam operated clock. Yeah, it's a dandelion. Yeah, that's what I'm guessing. Mike, you're guessing? I think it's the bedbug matriarch. With her thousands of teats being suckled by her thousands of... Thousands of teats, but her single eye.

That would be a really nice, refreshing choice to have something a bit more challenging than you usually get. A single blood red eye. And actually, I think a bit of animation on it, like so it's holographic. So there may be the thousands upon thousands of teats. Oh, it shouldn't wiggle about as you walk as you walk past. Be nice. And maybe every now and then emanates some sort of pheromone. If the sun hits it. Yeah, at certain times of day. I like that. Ben, what is it? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, availability in the major hotel chain. I was basically unable to hear Mike or Henry. It was quite nice.

He's so beatific when he can't hear us properly. Look at that smile. He's so much happier, isn't he? He's so much happier when he can't fully keep track of what we're saying. I've never seen him more relaxed. I've never seen... It's revealing, isn't it? And what is also revealing is that normally he would wait until we've finished our run of episodes before he would disappear into central or Eastern Europe. It's true but this time he hasn't been able to wait until he had a penultimate episode we just done and he was off. This is very revealing.

It's going to get earlier and earlier isn't it in the run of a series that he disappears off. I think so. And gradually, eventually it'll just be Ben's smiling face. And not even a microphone. He could have stuck a picture, a physical picture on each of our laptops. Of just his smiling face. And actually we'll all be much happier than we are now. So I didn't hear that. What were your guesses for the hotel art?

We haven't got time to go over that then. But we both said bowl of fruit. Let's see the art. We haven't got time to go over that then. We both said bowl of fruit. Let's see the art. So it's a big... Suspense. It's extraordinary. It could still be a big matriarch bed bug or it could be a big blowy flower thing. So I don't know if you picked up on that, but during the first section I could hear about one in 15 of any word that I, Michael, Henry said.

Well, Henry and I came to the agreement that you looked happier than we'd ever seen you. I think a 14th of us is what you need. That's about right for you then 14th. And maybe that's what our listeners need as well. Maybe there's maybe we should ask just from now on download your podcast on on an app that can manage not just sort of speed up and slow down but choose the one one in 14 setting. Choose the one in 14 and it's just it's just right you'll end up with a huge smile on your face. That's what Ben had. I think that what you're experiencing was that you know I was not enjoying myself because it was all going wrong. I was, and I was pasting on a smile. And what it does is that just

shows my ability to paste on a big old smile when things are going wrong. Yeah. Your pasted on smile is far more attractive than your usual grimace. Yes. Your real smile is a really, it's a bit of a horror show, we can say this now, I mean it's full of conflict, it's clearly malevolent, I mean we all know that from an evolutionary point of view the smile is the fang bear, it's an aggressive act, but it's never so clear as it is with Ben. Well that's what they say isn't it, they say like when you know those chimps in the PG Tips adverts, like when they were smiling that was actually them sort of responding to threat.

And that's what you get when I smile. When you smile, you look like you're saying, back off and take this waistcoat off me immediately. And I don't even like tea. Or I'm going to pull your arms off. I'm going to pull your arms off. I'm going to be using them to play the drums on the decapitated heads of your brothers for dairy milk. Who've come in with a very, very attractive package.

It's across all platforms. A lot of it's on socials now, which is a bit more current. They're also opening up the South East Asian market to me. I've been offered a deal to decapitate orangutans in Indonesia for the King. As part of his holiday plans for next year. Is that King Charles or the King of Indonesia? It's going to be King of Indonesia, then I thought I'd change it to King... It's actually a bit more Windsor somehow in its vibe, isn't it?

Oh, it's very Windsor. All stand for the King! We're entering the Regal Zone. Off with their heads! On with the show! Listen not to the n of the shopkeepers. Bring me more advice. The regals. Of course, with King Charles, he would get the Iranian things brought to Balmoral and then beheaded.

That's right. And also, we got beheadings, of course, by the time people listen to this podcast, Garry Southgate will have been beheaded. He's now a song a song's head, a song said legend. He'll be on the yeah, he'll be along the football manager's role on Tower Bridge when he that's right, you can go visit them. Yep. And it will have been done at a I think we did I think that

would just been a quiet ceremony. I think it was just between the King, Ed Sheeran. And James Corden. And James Corden presenting the, or presenting the daggers, isn't it? He presents the daggers. King Charles chooses the dagger. Ed Sheeran mounts on top of his guitar. Yeah. Which is then mounted on top of a football, which is then

kicked from a penalty spot and sliced perfectly through by David Beckham while Ed Sheeran sings Castle on the Hill. It's a moment of national unity, which is much needed. Were you sad that England didn't win the Euros, Henry? I mean, this will feel quite old. It's going to be very old, isn't it? Yeah.

No, I mean, just the normal amount. Yeah, it was a shame, but... There's the thorny issue of the sweepstake. Oh gosh, I forgot that. Ah, the sweepstake! I'm afraid that's your first ever sweepstake. I didn't even know what I said. Did I say Holland or something? You got Holland. The final was then, in our house, was in Trinicin. So I got England and Pamela got Spain.

So we all owe Pam a quid. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, brilliant. Because you know what? No offense, but we probably don't actually have to give it to her. Well, you say that she's got her eye on a dried Yax bollock. A three quidder? She's not going to get a lot of change out of four quid for that. Not if you want to go premium Yaks bollock.

So we're talking North Hemisphere Yak left bollock. Exactly. Yeah. That's your prime, isn't it? Because that's the bollock that normally faces the wind. It faces the wind and it also is closest to magnetic North. And so that's right. So the, essentially the grain of the bollock tends Northwesternly.

What that means is that the, the, the protein doors on the, on the left of the molecules are open to take on that West early when they're against the grain of her chewing direction. Right. So you get more grip. She gets more grip. But also all those lovely West wind minerals. I'm talking so microscopic quantities of quartz. Yeah. Silica. Selenium. Also, the different zinc oxides. Zinc megroxide, zinc minoroxide, zinc dodecaoxide. So although...

Thyme, oregano. Oregano, of course, is a... wait, it's a crystal, isn't it? Oregano. Well, sometimes the yak herdsman will blow oregano into the bollocks of the yaks. Well, that's how they signal other herders, isn't it? That's right. To help them sleep. It's very relaxing for the yak.

Yeah, so you wouldn't want a Southern Hemisphere Ritey. I mean, you'd almost be better off not eating the axe bollock at all. It's going to be South Hemisphere Ritey because again, it's got no wind. It's very good for a hangover. But otherwise. Yeah, they say it's a hangover cure, don't they? Two bottles of beetroot juice washed down by a south hemisphere yaks right testicle and a lot of people think don't you normally wash down with liquid? No, you have to wash it down with the

testicles. Washing down the liquid with the testicles. Hard to do. But the results are stupendous, aren't they? But this one that Pam's getting, that's going to be from Prince Charles's personal collection, right, Mike? That's £4. That's right. Well, it's from the collection he keeps in his bloody crown, Ben. Why do you think those jewels are so big? Each one's got a yakbala in it. collection he keeps in his bloody crown, Ben. Why do you think those jewels are so big? Each one's got a yak balacan.

There's the ones he keeps in his crown. There's the ones when he does his royal drive-bys and drive past the town, he'll always toss a few out of the passenger seat window. That's right. And then- Arms. Yeah, exactly. Arms for the poor. Arms, which are always collected by members of his security detail dressed up as- As peasants.

As peasants. Yeah. Thank you, my king, thank you. Then return to the motorcade before they hit the next town normally. So it all starts again. Anyway, shall we turn on the beam machine? Let's do it. Yeah, in the name of the Yak Unuk, turn it on. OK, this week's topic, as sent in by Pat from Ely. Pat from Ely, thank you.

Thanks, Pat. Archaeology. Is it now? Hmm. When I was a little kid, you know when people used to ask you what do you want to be when you grow up? Yeah. My stock answer for about five years was probably archaeologist.

I also had a phase of that. That or Egyptologist as well. Basically I read a couple of Tinton books and thought, yeah, this is the life for me. Between that and Indiana Jones, basically. I thought, yeah, that's, that's the life I want. I think I was very much in the Tony Robinson a sphere. Ah, right. Okay.

Yes. See, I think I imagined myself as a sort of whip, whip laden adventurer. What? Tony Robinson? What do you mean? Oh, you mean, are you mean a glamorous, good looking academic with a, with a lover in every port who fights baddies and always has a wise crack and always has a, he's got a good friendship with a local man as well, that kind of stuff.

He's got, yeah. And has beautiful women and falling in love with him from both sides of, of, of the, uh, of the great war. Yeah. One of his, one of his main problems in life is femme fatale. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Tony Robinson. Yeah. So it is, just so if anyone had any doubts, we're talking about Tony Robinson.

So whereas Ben, you're talking about more about the idea of a future sort of gently wiping bits of ceramic with a fine brush. What, toilet cleaner? High-end toilet cleaner. Toilet cleaner to the ancients. Yeah, basically we're more likely sort of gently wiping away the floor, isn't it? Basically, you're just wiping the floor in the hope that there's enough that you discover another floor.

Basically. Yes. A really old floor. Yeah. Um, I don't know why I thought that was exciting, but I did, but I think the reality is that it's very, very boring. Is it? It's a weird one, isn't it?

Archaeology. Cause I think it's, yeah, it's right on the cusp of, or that there's a lot of information, a cultural information attached to it that suggests excitement. So obviously we're talking about the Indiana Jones films. Yeah. And Tony Robinson. Well, Indiana Jones is an anagram of Tony Robinson, isn't it? Coincidence?

Don't think so. Don't think about it too hard on it, doesn't matter. It's a runic anagram. It's a runic anagram. If you basically go to the Pyramids of Giza and hold a yak's bollock up to the sky at dawn, the light shines through it and explains how Tony Robinson is in fact an anagram of them. By the way, anyone listening who doesn't know who Tony Robinson is, he's a much beloved

comic actor turned archaeologist or TV archaeology presenter. Yeah. Whereas Palin journeyed through the lands of the world, Tony has journeyed through time itself. Indeed. Yes. One thing I think in terms of Rob Robinson's legacy and the breadth of his scope as an archaeologist, I will say that I think in my whole life I've

watched 45 seconds of Time Team. And you've got the idea. I think I've got the idea. Now, I basically I've never actually watched an episode of Time Team. Like what happens? It's really good. I mean, I've not watched it for years, but I used to love it. Yeah. It's mainly fun because Tony Robinson goes, we're here in Shropshire and the local people for years have said that there's a Roman villa under this field. Well, let's find out. So I'm trying to change channel. Can I change channel on zoom? It's fine. I'd rather talk to someone else other than Ben right now. Can we go across to another podcast? My only experience of time team is Tony Robinson has got that far. But by the time he said

Shropshire, there's a big man with a big white beard who said, it's Cheshire, not Shropshire. And everything that Tony Robinson says is wrong. That's my memory of Time Team. Well, that's the thing. So the main other character in Time Team is this hoary old bastard with massive sideburns, who's like, right, we're going to fucking dig up this field then, is it? Come on then. And he sort of gets...

I've literally never watched it long enough to meet that guy I do not have any idea who you're talking about. He's definitely the highlight, absolutely the highlight. And is he the one who's the actual qualified archaeologist and Robinson's just there for the basically for the for the for the for the for the pizzazz? For the eye candy. For the eye candy. Is that what it is like Robinson's the presenter a bit like with this podcast I you know I

know you're the only expert. I know stuff about history, science, etc. I just love facts. I love books, reading, learning, knowledge. I love it. It's just my addiction, you know what I mean? For me, it's knowledge. So you need that, don't you, alongside- Ben's glamour. Ben's the glamour. But it's the same with Sky at Night, isn't it? Patrick Moore was the kind of hoary old expert. And the presenter was... What was his name? Patrick Moore?

Patrick Moore. So he was both, as unusual. He was so good. Because you barely noticed him changing into the sparkly skirt, did you? He would throw to himself, whip off the sparkly outfit and get into his like, silk and tie. One second he's in a leather bound study. The next day he's in a leather bound gusset. He's next to a leather bound traveller with some white goods going past it. Is that guy with the sideburns, he's the actual archaeologist?

Yeah, but he's like, there's a couple of others as well. There's some sort of nice women, normally. Oh yeah. Who are, well, I don't mean, I don't mean nice women. Well, I mean, you said nice women. Well, they are nice women, but I don't mean nice women in the way you're thinking. I mean, nice women. Don't tell me what I'm thinking.

I'm picturing two women, both of them are dressed as Cleopatra and they're both trying to outdo each other with how scandalously slight their Cleopatra outfit actually is. That's not what I meant. Well that's how Tony Robinson, that was how it was originally. That was what was put on paper. That's how they sold the series, yeah. And all the initial production meetings.

That's how every series gets sold. Most of them. Even the 10 o'clock news. It was the 90s. All the initial production meetings, we're going to have to reel in Robinson. We cannot. He said his outfit, he wants himself to just be wearing the headdress of a Pharaoh and the rest of his outfit, all he's written is, oil.

This isn't going to fly. We're going to have to reel in Robinson. I know he's intimidating. I know he's much bigger in person than he is on camera. Much bigger. Okay, okay. I've been in touch with these people, he says it doesn't matter what kind of oil it is. He doesn't mind.

Any kind of oil is fine. He's willing to meet us halfway there, on the oil. And his idea was, you think you've seen Builders Bum, wait till you see me digging up Erna Truskin Fort naked. It's a whole new level, mate. What a disgusting series he had in mind. Anyway, but they've managed to reel him in. When I say nice women, I just mean just nice women. Just wearing outdoors gear just with the fleece on.

Yeah, great. And they're part of the team. They're part of the time team. Couple of wholesome academics who also don't mind getting some dirt under the fingernails types. Exactly. That's what I mean. Because the other of course famous archaeologist is Lara Croft. Oh God. Yeah, but that's weird isn't it? That's another sort of concept of this horny archaeology of the sexies. What is it about archaeologists and sexiness? I think it's that to represent it in media, it is in itself so boring that you have to sex it up. Otherwise, it's just not good enough.

Ben, that's exactly what I was thinking. I think they have to hit it with sex. So Robinson, like on a jet ski just with a couple of old fossils tied around his mid-air. And each week is it a different area? What's the template of the show? Like what's the kind of format? Yeah, different, different place each week. They will dig a trench. If they find nothing in the first trench, they'll dig a second trench. And that's when it gets really exciting. Because a third trench is now on the cards. And that was not the case at the beginning of the show.

To be continued. Yeah, exactly that. It's an incredibly slow process, isn't it, archaeology? How do they viscerally sort of make that into must watch TV? Isn't their banter key? Isn't it? Yeah. It's all about, it's all about bants.

Okay. And it's like, yeah. Oh, we found this little cup that we think the Romans probably used to drink wine out of. You don't drink out of a cup, you drink straight out of a can, don't you Phil? That's right. Oh, so it simply falls back on old fashioned stereotypes, sort of an urban metropolitan type mocking a simple country man. Is that the idea?

So you might quite like it then Henry. Well, I'm just thinking, hang on, give us another chance. What it is, is I, what I've noticed is in a lot of kind of middle of the road television and radio, the fallback banter position is you're an alcoholic. Yes, yes, yes. Are you aware of this kind of thing? Yeah, yeah. Well, it's particularly like the Tony Robinson era and that generation that would have been

like that's general bants though, isn't it? That's like back in the day. You get a lot of on the radio, so they'll do the traffic or something and then the traffic will finish and they'll say, Oh, any plans for the, for the weekend, Sally, do you be like, well, you know, me a couple of bottles of wine and, and they'll go, Oh, and the rest. And then, and you're away. Yeah. No one's immune to it.

I think even on radio for this morning, one of the presenters on the today program asked the minister, new minister for sport, if she, if she had a bit of a sore head after the euros fight. Oh really? Yeah. Yeah yeah yeah yeah that's true well it's deep it's deep in british culture though this is deep in british culture for example in britain if you're an adult holding a glass of water in any kind of workspace environment yeah within seconds someone will say gin and sonic vodka it's so basic in the yeah it's the basic building block of

banter it's the basic building block of banter. It's the basic building block of black. It's a basic, it's a basic little bit of a little bit of answer. Isn't it? Ben, I saw, you know, that word we learned last week about, um, Gementus of horse piss. Yeah. Yeah. And I came up with the quite philosophical idea, that's the word

that it's bad to learn new words. Yeah. But I actually needed that word and I forgot it because basically yesterday I watched a horse doing a huge piss for about like two or three minutes. And it was a really great chance to use the word Gementus. Oh, Gementus day. I'm feeling Gementus. We're all feeling Gementus. It's a Gementus day. It's a Gementus day. It would have been a nice moment for a kind of 1940 style musical number. Yeah. What a shame. Tremendous, stupendous, tremendous, tremendous. Yeah, it was in Finsbury Park. I was...

So Finsbury Park has come up twice recently and the first time it was that you ran over a dead rat, the second time was that a horse had a massive piss. I did. I ran over that. There's a lot more fauna in Finsbury Park than I remember from my London years. You're right, there is a lot. By the way, I ran over that rat, snout to tail. Not side on, that would have been weird.

I've got an update on my strawberries problem, if you can do that briefly. Please do. My partner reckons it's crows definitely because she came back to the house and we've also got some apple trees where the strawberries are. You live in a sort of German fairy tale. It sounds that way but really isn't. On the first day the strawberries disappeared and he thought it was rats. On the second day the apples disappeared and he thought it was crows.

On the third day his face was pecked off by a giant crab. It's got that rhythm to it now, it's got fairy tale rhythm. It does, yeah. And my partner, who is a tiny goblin with long tresses of golden hairs. It's just it's got that rhythm to it now it's got it's got fairy tale rhythm. Yeah, it does. Yeah. And my partner who is a tiny goblin with long tresses of golden hairs who won't reveal her real name. Who bashes out 5000 pairs of clogs a night doesn't she? She's an all night clog maker.

Just bashes out clogs and that's what that's what drew you to her isn't it? Because on the one hand on the negative column, there was the fact that she's a goblin yeah but on the positive side golden hair and the amount of clogs she's bashing out and luckily you're a heavy enough sleeper you can sleep through that most people couldn't yeah we also you're knackered because you're spending all day trying to dispose of those clogs aren't you so yeah by the time the evening comes around yeah we've i've really flooded the market on facebook marketplace. I think I've put too many up now so people don't expect to spend that much on them. You've devalued the clog. There was a brief clog bubble, wasn't there?

We should have sold up, Ben. You should have sold up then. Anyway, my partner came home the other day and she witnessed a gang of six crows. Hang on. Hang on. This is the perfect opportunity to use the greatest collective noun. A murder. A murder.

An attempted manslaughter. That's barrows. An aggravated armed... Robbery of terrapins. A white collar fraud of sardines. A death by misadventure of badger. An impersonating a police officer of swans. We could go on, couldn't we?

That's the thing with this. Please, please, please do go on there in the correct way. Oh, just she basically came home and there were six crows just going hammer and tongs at all of our apples and they've basically ruined our apple tree by pecking off all the apples. Six is a six is also, it's a sinister number as well, isn't it? Six famously. Yeah.

Crows six. The estate agents don't tell you this because they say it's an enchanted forest. That's a good thing. You get to see, you know, you might meet a magical swan. Sometimes a cental, want to use your downstairs toilet, don't worry about it. It won't be too Gementus. It's only half Gementus. I'm aware it's a deer, not a horse. But surely there's not a word for relating to deer piss. There is I'm afraid.

It's spewmentus. It's even worse than deumentus. But there are negatives, aren't there? Which is on the positive side, crows will take your apples. Curses. Curses. I mean, the good thing is maybe that, you know, if we didn't have the apples, they'll be doing that to my eyes.

Ah, yes, yes, yes. Then naive sweet, sweet boy that you are. They are going to doing that to my eyes. Ah, yes, yes, yes. Ben, naive, sweet, sweet boy that you are. They are going to do that to your eyes. Yeah, that's true. The apples are very much your first course. One option you've got is to wear eyes, wear eyeglass, apple glasses. It was just to stick apples on your eyes at all times, but then you're much more likely to wander into the cursed troll swamp, the rear side of your property.

Swings and roundabouts, isn't it? Anyway, that's just a little update. So I think the current leading theory and maybe we've solved it actually is it six crows? Yeah, it's a tricky what you're gonna do then? Nothing we can do really. I mentioned something to do with like, what we project onto animals. So like if it was doves, would we have what this conversation be? You said if it wouldn't, you wouldn't have said a gang

of doves one thing, we'd call them pigeons instead. You'd never use you'd never I mean, even if they were doves, you wouldn't call them doves. Not in this situation. They're too pure. But if they were like white, perfect white doves, I'm just thinking what, how would you well that's an as end of the world stuff, isn't it? If perfect wild doves start ruining an apple tree. That's in Revelations, isn't it? When the doves take the apples. Yeah, exactly. And lo, the doves come and destroy the perfect apple tree and the strawberries and it's, oh, okay.

And the baby bites the nurse's tit. Is that sort of thing, isn't it? Yeah, it's end of days. And the clocks weep blood. And lo, the puppy has burnt your toast deliberately. And the crabs get into short fiction. They start writing it, reading it. It's kind of auto-fiction, they may need draw from their own lives. It's kind of reportage. Or crab-ortage. Oh, or crab-otage.

Okay, time to read your emails. Thanks to everyone who sent us an email at 3beansaladpod at gmail.com. Thank you. Thank you very much. When you send an email You must give thanks To the postmasters that came before Good morning, postmaster! Anything for me? Just some old shit When you send an email This represents progress Like a robot

Shooing a horse Give me your hoof My beautiful horse! This is from Charlotte Hello Charlotte Dear beans, I was listening to last week's fanjambo talk Ben's assertion that you can't say to a hairdresser Let's just zip it shall we? And not speak, sent a deep cringey shudder

through me. I can indeed confirm this is not a viable option as I tried this myself with disastrous results. After years of dreading the hairdresser's small talk, I decided it can't be any worse to just declare, don't feel you have to talk to me. I was wrong. The look of confusion, then hurt on the hairdresser's face, followed by pin drop silence until I left, was indeed worse." It's so tricky. It's a very tricky area, but that's why the Fanjumbo protocol was first come up. That's why we came up with it, isn't it? Because it's such a difficult area. I mean, thank you to Charlotte. Charlotte is a true pioneer, I would say. Cause we've

all, we've all dared to dream of that, haven't we? But she's gone and done it. She's seen the dark side of the moon. On the topic of haircuts, this is from Jess. My dad had a, has a hairdresser specific fan jambo alternative. On being asked by the barber how he would like his haircut, he has always replied, in silence. But you can do anything with the style, is that what you're saying? He's walked out with like purple afros and stuff. Having caused offence with his silence answer.

But at least not had an awkward conversation. In silence. That's very good bollocking for you Henry accessing listener bollocking bollocking loading Charles in Warwick emails. Okay. I'm sure you've been inundated with emails regarding Henry's Prime Minister of Scotland bollock.

Oh, I knew that was coming. Yes. Sorry. I knew I caught it as it was happening. I thought I'll let the listeners catch this one. Yes. You described Nicola Surgeon as the former Prime Minister of Scotland. She is of course the former First Minister of Scotland. First and Prime. Do you know what I mean? They're pretty close though, Henry.

Do you know what I mean? Exactly. No, I'm rejecting the mullock. Prime is just a potray saying first. Same thing. It's the same thing. Well, Charles from Warwick says, rest assured, I don't think there's any issue mixing up first with Prime as they're perfectly interchangeable. Now, I'll get back to drinking a bottle of first with my Prime-born daughter on my lap as I watch Rambo Prime Blood on Amazon First. Can I say, I take that on board and the amount of effort you put into that suggests to me that you are an absolute first cock. I'm going to declare a moratorium on that one. I'm not going to accept it. Rejecting it feels petty because of the amount of effort you put in.

So I'm going to say bollocks ceasefire. Okay, I'm offering a bollock truce if he'll take it, if I accept it. Interesting. So it's like, it's a hanging bollock. I'm using prime as a descriptive. She was the prime minister. She was also the best minister. She was also the top minister and she was also the first minister. All of those statements are true. Well, this sounds like you're reflecting it to be honest. Yeah, I'm reflecting it. Yeah, sort of.

Right back in your face. And we also talked last week about the new Marks and Spencer's chocolate covered custard creams. Yes. I have enjoyed watching people on social media tag us in them trying them and buying them and trying them because they heard about them on our podcast. Oh, I've not seen that. Oh really?

I've not seen that. I'll have to have a look at that. How are they going down? In general, I think the big sticking point is that it costs three pounds and you only get six. Oh, crumbs. So it's premium stuff. It really is, isn't it? We've had an email from Blake. Whilst listening to your recent episode, during the email segment, I came over in a cold sweat hearing Andrew's recommendation of a new M&S chocolate coated custard cream biscuit. I'm usually a of a new M&S chocolate coated

custard cream biscuit. I'm usually a fan of the M&S biscuit, especially their staple more chocolate than biscuit biscuit. Sure. I'm not sure about that one. But it reminded me of a time at uni when sharing a chocolate fountain with some friends where I casually partook in dipping a few custard creams. What's he talking about? I didn't know you could get food poisoning from a chocolate fountain, but later that night I reversed chocolate custard fountain to those biscuits. Now it's a mystery, isn't it? How is it that you could get any sort of bug transmission

from a sort of open fountain in which hundreds of people are dipping their shit smeared hands? It's really weird, isn't it? It's never been explained. I think, I mean, Mike, what you say is true, but I think I'm, before you said that I was kind of with him, I was like, but it's constantly moving. Doesn't that stop the bacteria from bacteria appause motion, doesn't it? It's a constant fresh source of chocolate spring isn't it? But then goes directly out to sea. It's not just four litres of chocolate

sauce being recirculated for 17 hours. As a lovely bacteria warming sort of temperature. So I don't think we can blame that on the custard cream itself, it sounds more like... No, but it was, I enjoyed it, thank you Blake. I also like the sort of image of a reverse chocolate fountain. It was visceral. I've never taken part in a chocolate fountain. Have you not? No. I've been a couple of weddings where they've got chocolate fountain. It's a bit like the sweepstake thing. It just you reach a certain level of, you know, you get a certain social circle, friendships and people start inviting you to this kind of stuff.

Yes, it's true. There's a bit of a pattern, isn't it? The other thing I've never heard, what is this RSVP? Reservape? What is that? Reseamles, dears beans, as an employee of Marks and Spencers, Beaux Deschanges, I'd like to confirm that we do indeed get swamped in luxurious Ecuadorian dark chocolate at the beginning of every shift. With us and the notes being absolutely slathered in the rich brown nectar, it does make counting out the UAE dirhams more difficult, but it's worth it to deliver that M&S luxury brand. Yours in fermented, dried, roasted, refined and tempered cocoa beans.

Rees. Insphofulated. Disgustingly decadent. Pan-Equadorian choco filth. And now Praline Traveller's Checks. Are there actually M&S travel agencies? Is that true? Yeah, a beauty shop.

That's where I will, if I'm going to get some money, I will go to an M&S beauty shop. Really? I like the M&S beauty shop. I like the beauty shop. I like the beauty shop. I like the beauty shop. I like the beauty shop. I like the beauty shop. I like the beauty shop. I like the beauty shop. I like the beauty shop. I like the beauty shop. Praline Travelers Checks. Are there actually M&S Traveler's Agencies? Is that true?

Yeah, Bureau de Changes, that's where I will, if I'm gonna get some money, I will go to an M&S Bureau de Changes. Really? I like the level of service. Slightly obsequious in a nice way, but not too much. And is this in a branch of M&O? I prefer the cold, hard, transactional post office.

Oh, do you? I'm sorry, guys, but who's still using Bureau d'Echange? They just go on holiday and use your contact list, whatever. Or withdraw some money. Oh yeah, I like an MMS, Bureau d'Echange. I've literally never seen one. Because they'll ask you where you're going and what you're doing, but not in a way that's too familiar, you know.

So post office, they're not remotely interested. They're not even going to ask you. Wow. Post office also make it easier because however much you, you might have spent all familiar. So post office, they're not remotely interested. They're not even going to ask you. Wow. Post office also make it easier because however much you, you might have spent all of your time walking with the post office and in the queue for the post office trying to work out exactly how much cash you might need for your holiday. That becomes completely irrelevant by the time you reach the front because they will

tell you what they've got and that's what you're having and that's it. Because it's always less than you imagined. So it's just, no, what this is going to have to do is, I'm sorry, it's going to be £17.50. So you say, I would like 200 euros and they say, we've got a thousand lira. Yeah, exactly. And you're like, fine. I'm not even going to Turkey, but fine, I'll take it. I'll take it. Exactly. Sorry, it's actually Italian lira. Fine, whatever. I've got on YouTube to look at observational standup routines from the 70s. I've no idea what you're talking

about. I've literally heard of who the hell goes to a travel agency to go to a bureau to show them anymore. I didn't even know this existed. It's contactless. It is not. Europe. And you are you taking cash like British cash because even even even UK cash is pretty much over, isn't it? I don't know. It's like some some local cash. But are you turning British cash into foreign cash?

No, I'm just buying some cash for the card. Henry, what are you giving the muggers when they're at you at Knifepoint? What are you giving them? Yeah, exactly. Contactless? What are you throwing in the air as you make good your escape? Yeah, I suppose you're right. I hadn't thought of that.

I'm in a vulnerable position potentially if I get mugged. If you're buying a bit of tat somewhere, a bit of tourist tat or a bit of street food, people don't mind a bit of cash now and again. Also yesterday, I didn't have any euros and the thing I'd ordered was less than five euros and they said you don't do card under five euros. So I had to buy a rhubarb turnover that I didn't want. Think about that, Henry. And that is travelling. And that is exploring other cultures.

What's your most sort of UK centric pastry? Well, we hardly ever said it. I mean, I could probably hustle up, I don't know, something like that. And bearing in mind, something really sort of jingoistically British, there's something that a Union Jack flag-waver might be snacking on during a royal parade or something. Well, I suppose we could. A room upturn over here for the last seven years, someone left, another British George left behind, we weren't sure to do with it. But I thought, well, so when I got on a date, so I'll take my card, and then then withdraw cash from a cash point when I'm in that country.

As a charge? Yeah, but there's a charge to the Bureau de change. Is it definitely less? I think this is, I'm not I'm not I don't want to sound patronising, but I think people I think people that don't live in London have a little bit more time on their hands. What do you want to waste it by going to a bureau just wrong? How do I fill the gaping void? Give myself a set of tasks which actually aren't necessary but will help fill the gaping void. I'll go to MS and change the money. Lovely isn't it? I mean, might bump into somebody you know.

Well maybe, I'll give it a go. I didn't even know they're in there. So what floor are they on? Depends on the branch. Really strange question. I just never even seen the Bureau de Change in an M&S. I've never even seen it. You've got to keep going high enough. I would say probably actually, to be fair, you've got to keep going high enough or low enough. Okay. Yeah, it's normally high or low and you probably have to go through meters of ladies pants together. Finally, emails from Chris. Chris. Chris writes Henry story of being attracted to objects on the road while cycling surfaced a long forgotten memory of mine. The time I I don't need anything else. That's a superb email.

It's time to pay the ferryman. Patreon.com. For slash free beat salad. Thanks to everyone who signed up on our Patreon. Thank you. Thank you. You are the chosen few. patreon.com forward slash three bean salad.

Thanks to everyone who signed up. It means an awful lot to us and you get all sorts of stuff. You get bonus episodes, you get ad free episodes and at the Sean Bean tier, you get a shout out from Mike from the Sean Bean Lounge where Mike spent a bit of time last night. Sure did. It's one year I knew you were looking forward to Mike because it was the boiled buffet, wasn't it? A buffet where everything is boiled.

And here's my report. It was the boiled buffet where everything is boiled last night at the Sean Bean Lounge. Tony Coffee tucked into a boil in a bag bolognese, while Karen Lopez, Joanne Schuen, Jay Olguin and Paul Buckingham flogged up the boiled omelette stand the whole night. Amber Loftus and robot Moff Pachapsky lost discipline early doors and initiated a boiled food fight by lozing steaming gyoza at Joe Barkley and Aaron Barron McLaren. Retaliation with boiled eggs was inevitable, as was loungers being caught in the crossfire, including David Cooper, Yellow Frog, Donna Terraroka and Mick Ford who took a full ten back to the groin. Steph Fox Adcock teamed up with Honor Drummond and Eve McCafferty to first ensnare Sam Neill

and Samuel Stegall, then stripped both their outfits of their copious elastic material, before using it to construct a powerful catapult with which they pelted mafoolio tea with boiled butternut squash, Mark Pierce with a boiled Cumberland sausage and beefy-keefy Tyler Orsak, Sophie Evans and Matthew Bentham-Clark with the complete boiled works of Stephen King. Lara Scott, Peter Gordon and Steve Pease tipped over a trestle table to create some cover but failed to remove the Sean Bean Malagatoni soup samovar which spilled its boiling contents into Patrick Meldron, Dean Humphreys, George Crowe and Harry Kidd, all of whom were mining their own business in the boiled Bombay mix cube. Steph raised a white flag to try and make a safe dash across the lounge to the boiled

Impossible Burger Stand, where Cara Evans and Jacqueline Gill were doing a brisk trade selling big hot mushrooms cut into circles and pretending they came from a lab. The white hat was mistaken in the steamy haze for a chef's hat by Kate Winsenberg, who, alongside Andras Fant, thought it would make for a perfect white flag to try and initiate an armistice. Magda Gurska was dispatched to intercept the chef and bring back the hat, but by then stuff was long gone. Visibility was decreasing rapidly, and she returned instead with the feeding bibs of besties Tim and Michael, which were deemed too heavily stained to surrender with. On the other end of the spectrum, Colm, Tim, Sarah Kerrison and Kate Cooper Owen saw no need to give up the fight, having already annexed the boiled pudding zone and the boiled

awful games centre. They used boiled yoghurt to smash the line of Carrie Breaking Spain, Andy Cormacan, Keith Ashton and Warren Chester, ignoring their cries for mercy, and managed to seize the anti-chin burn ice water plunge basin which was being guarded with neither strength nor spine by Olly and Paul Carlom. Parmigiani Earl, Dr Nathan Sparks, Winky Boo, and Ben Jackson had no idea any of this was going on, as they held their own mini-silent disco dancing to 90s Euro trance while stuffing their gobs with fistfuls of boiled taramasalata. Texas James was similarly oblivious as he boiled a banjo and sang a song in praise of someone or something called Daisy.

Greg Hilton, Charlie Carter, Jonathan Santore and Nathan Smith took part in a boiled food treasure hunt devised by Tim Moyknip, in which, by eating their way blindfolded along a cryptic track of frankfurters laid by Callum McCombs and Joanne B, they could win prizes ranging from Claire Mary Ellery and Neverland's famous boiled popcorn, double boiled granola by Steven Zarenka and Ben Bronstein, or even Christina Nichol and Nathan Stout's stuffed rainbow baguette. Brackets boiled. They had to be careful, though.

Take the wrong frankfurter turning and they could land in a boiling pit of John Earl's homemade jam, or slide over the edge of and into Fumi Hayashi's giant, overheated Red Leicester fondue bucket, where all you could hope to save you was getting hold of one of abandoned arse factories' slippery croutons. Special commendation goes to Sarah Rosling for sucking up all the steam at the end of the night. Thanks all. Okay, that's the end of the show. We'll finish off with a version of our theme tune, sent in by one of you lot.

It's the end of the series as well, is it? No. It is. Is it? Yeah. Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo my word. Blimey. With our new school bags and our satchels and pens and a fresh slug on our upper lips. Yep. We're gonna play this version sent in by Dav from Ireland. Thank you, Dav. Thank you, Dav. And until September, goodbye! Goodbye! Cheerio! So Patreon Patreon, Patreon Patreon, Patreon

It's time, it's time Just stay the front of mine It's time, it's time, it's time Da da da da da da da da It's time for the love Patrion Patrion Patreon Patreon Patreon

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