Three Bean Salad - Budget Airlines

Episode Date: October 23, 2024

Put your seat back into the reclining position (but only if you have the express consent of the person behind you who has also ideally reclined their seat with the express consent of the person behind them ad infinitum etc), shove a lukewarm bean in each ear and enjoy a third bean as a mid-flight snack for only €79.99 for Joe from York has suggested budget airlines as this week’s topic. That may mean BYO sandwich, BYO magazine and BYO sick-bag but the lukewarm chat is complementary. Bean voyage.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes, a monthly bonus episode and more: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladWith thanks to our editor Laura Grimshaw.Merch now available here: www.threebeansaladshop.comGet in touch: [e-mail] @beansaladpod

Hi, hello everyone. Hello. Welcome to Three Bean Salad, the podcast where we talk about topics ended by you the audience. But first we have a little catch up. How have we all been? That was really breezy. I liked it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was light. It felt too live radio. That didn't feel pod enough. It was good. And amazingly, even though that was the 37th take, it sounded the most natural. I think we've got it guys. I think we finally got it guys. That's a wrap on Henry. Thank you.

Because it was way too breezy initially, then it was zero breeze. Then it was like the inside of a vault. That was the note you gave me, Mike, wasn't it breeze. Then it was like the inside of a vault. That was the note you gave me, Mike, wasn't it? You said that sounded like the inside of a fucking vault. Got some breeze in there. In which an evil king is keeping turds. Keeping turds. Dried out, desiccated turds of his ancestors.

That's how not fresh that sounded. Ancestral turds. Blogging to a powerful dynasty as well. So socially evil, desiccated old, old dinos. In and of itself is past its prime as well. Exactly. And hasn't had any fresh ideas for centuries. Yeah. And is deep into inbreeding at this stage. That's why a lot of those terms were weird shapes. There was a, there was a Mobius. It was a Mobius, which I'm still

marvelling at. It just hovered. Yeah, that was the vibe, wasn't it? You know what? You there was that there was a no bias. Just hovered. You know what, you know what's happened there? I've tried for my sins. I've tried to give us a kind of normal, you know, accessible intro that everyone everyone can get. And we ended up turning it into an absolutely obscene, really weird. Welcome to newcomers who perhaps never listened to the show, so they've got the purchase points

to understand what they're listening to. Yeah, maybe the whole family's in the car. Yeah. Let's give this a shot. Let's give this a shot. It's probably a bit of whimsical fun, isn't it? Turn it off, Barbara, turn it off! Put it on our shoulder, we're leaving the car, we're leaving the car where it is. Leave your rucksacks, we're just going.

How do they know about our vault of turds? It's too close to the bone. Stuff your jumper into the petrol cap and light it and we're off. Go, now. We're doing a Molotov Hyundai i10. And now we'll do the chant. And then boom. Oh, good stuff. Lovely stuff. So yeah, nice, relatable start. Thank you. Nice

way to start. Yeah, hook them in. Yeah. Yeah. And then you did then they're basically just they're just a little an Ewok on its back now isn't it's just tickle it tickle its tummy. I've got potentially quite a relatable bit of chat fuel. Oh, yeah. Oh, lovely. Give it a go with a bit of a blue edge for the Mums and Dads. No blue. Okay. No blue. I can try and inject blue.

Let's see how it goes. We can dunk it in some blue sauce if we think it's not crispy enough as it is. Okay. So, the other day I realised I've never washed my windows. This is good podcasting. So I realised that I'd never given my windows a clean, I'd never got anyone else to clean the windows. And I'd never really given them much sort of critical. Is this inside and out?

Yeah, since I moved in. So I've lived here probably, how long, two and a half years? Too long. Yeah, cool. Yeah, it's one of those things cleaning windows. It's like you can either, it's a bit like teeth, I suppose you can either, you can see the hygienist like every six months. Or you can live in pain. Or you can live in rancid, really, really malodorous pain. I think you need to blame your local community because I think what is supposed to happen is you're supposed to inherit a window cleaner. I've never sought a window cleaner in all my days.

Yes, it is handed over, isn't it? Really? Yeah. They've always just appeared and say, by the way, we do, I clean your windows. Okay. No, that's it. It goes with the property and also they hand it down generations to generations so that that person's father would have been a window cleaner.

And that's an initial way of monitoring social history because generation by generation, they've become less lewd. So in the seventies, all the window cliques were just full on lewd. The whole thing was just, oh don't mind if I do, oh nipples, nipples ahoy, oh that kind of thing, that's all I would say. It was just pure lewd banter. Uh oh. Lewd content warning. Lewd content. These days you have to close your windows when they come so that water doesn't get in,

but in the 70s it was so they wouldn't slip a dick on your windowsill. Exactly, which is something they would do. They actually only introduced non-penal squeegees. Squeegees in the early 80s. I can't believe this content is really, come on, this is not good enough. It's is not really nasty stuff. But it's nice but but actually, now, it's the opposite because now they've become less and less lewd every generation more and more enlightened. So now they'll actually say things like you know what, instead of me looking in, they'll offer you the option you can actually look out and watch me having sex on this little

on a gantry. This little gantry that's meant to by the other way. Now they've evened it out as yeah. And I'll ask you, how are you really? Yes, that's right. That's what goes now. But it is a it's quite a kind of because you know, if the eyes are the windows of the soul, then the glasses of windows, the glasses of the house, of windows. What the hell is the glasses of the house prescription windows. That's so good. I've actually got there actually I'm Polaroid for extra bright days for the low and I've got them the trifecta was it called again the very vocal. they're very vocal. So I can read a book as long as the book is outside the house. I'm inside. And to scale.

So I can put a book in the little flower pot. Read that from the inside. Now if the eyes are the windows of the soul, then the glasses are the double glazing essentially, aren't they? On the windows, the eyes. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Okay. So what does that make the windows of the house? Oh, and where did drapes come in? Where did drapes come in? Pell meds? It's all good stuff, isn't it? No, but it's quite an intimate thing, isn't it? Because a window cleaner is looking into your home. Well, not anymore. So this is what I was going to come on to. Okay,

go on. So I looked at my windows. I thought, yeah, they're probably a bit grimy, aren't they? But I'd never actually looked at them. Do you look at something with that with fresh eyes? Yeah, well, you shouldn't in a way you shouldn't, you shouldn't be able to look at them. You should be looking through them. That's the ideal. Well, that's my problem because they were caked in shite. So this is human shite on the inside and avian shite on the outside, is it? 100% avian shite in an avian and there's always 99.9 and the other bit is sort of protesters isn't it? People who hail their own. Yeah that's right. It's

drive by protesters. You do get a couple of those here don't you? Yeah lots and lots of bird shit on them. But sideways or have you got upwards windows? What do you mean sideways? How's the bird, the bird normally poops poops vertically, doesn't it? Rather than horizontally. Yeah, but they're normally moving. So it's got it's got momentum. It's like when you drop a bomb, it kind of keeps going. So it's a bit. Yes. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. These are finned bird turds. Okay. Yeah. So it's a bit like it's a bit like the other side, like this one's for Pearl Harbor. It is a mystery because I was looking around right and none of the other houses on my street have this but it looks

like a bird has made a concerted effort to kind of will be targeted. Ben will be targeted. Are you on a community WhatsApp? No, we've got a we've got a Facebook group. Yeah. Okay. You are on a community WhatsApp. You're just not hot on it. Yes, that's the thing, Ben. Yes. Yeah, you're either on it or you're on it. Yeah. You are on a community WhatsApp. You're just not hot on it. Yes, that's the thing, Ben. Yes. Yeah. You're either on it or you're on it. Yeah. You're either at the menu or you're standing outside the tent pissing through the window. You either go with the shit caked house. When is he going to do something about it?

Yeah. Because obviously, Ben, in terms of insulation, if you were to allow it to carry on for another couple of years, you could effectively be living in a poo glue, which wouldn't need any heating. And maybe the future. It could be a poo glue future Benjy, for all of us. It would be the subject of a BBC Four documentary. You could be at the front of that wave. Anyway, I thought I need to get this cleaned. Now, this is what I wanted to ask you both,

especially Mike, because I feel like Henry lives in some flats where somebody else might deal with the clean. Well, my problem is I live in a service department where they clean them all the time to a degree that is completely unnecessary and it's clearly a racket. They're cleaning them all the time. I just don't need them to be that clean. You basically always got a man hovering outside your window on some absolutely equipment. Exactly. It's really military.

Reading over your window. They're always at manhandling equipment. Exactly. It's really military. Reading over your shoulder. Robert Coln-Cruz. Yeah, yeah, it's quite disturbing saying, I think probably three and a half minutes on the poach, Henry. Three and a half I'd go for, because I know that you like it soft as the bread goes in. Have a nice day. There's that kind of thing. But they've got mega mops. They've got literally, I'm not even exaggerating, they've literally got mega mops. And they're telescopic. They've got telescopic mega mops. They've got literally, I'm not even exaggerating. They've literally got mega mops and they're telescopic. They've got telescopic mega mops. Yeah.

Well, this is what I wanted to ask about because Mike, you live in a more similar situation to me, house on the street. You need to get someone to do it. Yeah. In my day, a window cleaner was just a bloke who had a ladder. Yeah. And fancied your partner. Yeah. And essentially, they were trying to get in, the feeling was they were trying to get in through the window, essentially, wasn't it? That was

the feeling. Or make it as clean as possible as they could see your partner, who in the seventies, obviously, most families in the country in the seventies were, mustachioed bald man with a top hat. Or bowler hat. in the 70s, obviously, most families in the country in the 70s were mustachioed bald man with a top hat. Or bowler hat. Sorry, bowler hat is what I meant. Sorry, mustachioed bald man with a bowler hat. But a wife who was sort of bedecked, sort of huge, incredibly glamorous, a wife who

spent about three hours in make-up with a kind of huge bouffant hair. But from there down it's just Italians and fluffy slippers. Yeah, exactly. That's what the government wanted us to do. That's what the government wanted us to do. But it was resistance. And a cocktail. A cocktail in one hand. From a little, because instead of bedside tables, in the seventies, each bed had a little

cocktail bar with a waiter, didn't it? On each side of the bed. And a really horribly thick carpet everywhere. There's just utterly, utterly imbued with human cells, thick carpet next to the toilet, thick carpet in the kitchen. That was the utopia that they wanted for us. But now it's different, isn't it? Well, yeah, so I just thought it'd be a guy with some soapy

water. Is that what you have, Mike? They've upgraded recently. So they're now the small van with quite a lot of kit in the back, pressurized hose, very long mega mop to reach a couple of the taller houses. All the houses perhaps have got an attic conversion with a V-Lux. They can reach those guys. No problem. This is what I got. Yeah.

And I understand it because you don't have to go a ladder and I imagine that the death rate will have come down quite highly. Yeah. Because of the mega mop. But so he gets at the mega mop, which by the way, just uses water, no soap, which I don't really understand. Yeah. And it's a much more professional situation. I'm thinking this is going to be spendy. He starts getting all this kit out and then starts talking terms. I've got to sign up for like a, he has to come back every eight weeks. I've got to sign up for that. There's no such bullshit. There's no option. No, I don't know. I disagree. They know they understand that I absolutely sign up to this stuff. Why do you agree with it?

Because I, well, for a start, they're good. The guys that come to us, they're good. I trust them. However, they often they come, I've, I've got no idea. They just come. But when they come it's, it's, it is the right time. Then Mike, you're being completely fleeced. I'm not being fleeced. I've got, I can see out of my windows. And you're doing the male thing, I think, which I do. I mean, I sometimes get into this relationship with people, which is I'm being fleeced. But if I pretend I'm not being fleeced, I can sort of save face to myself and to my loved

ones. And also I don't have to go through the embarrassment of telling the person that they're fleeting them or saying no. Because it's like the Geordie menu, self fish dogs door. Have we talked about those? Have every either of you come across this? No one has ever tried to sell me a fish at the door. I actually do have a vague memory of being a child and my mum talking to these guys at the door. And it's happened to my mother before. So this has happened to me before, which is you're having a normal day, the doorbell goes,

you open the door and there's an incredibly charming Geordie Mann going, I've got lords and lords of Hague. And he's also Welsh, is he? Yeah. He's educated in Wales. I've got haddock. I've got salmon. It's just me and my pal and we're in the van, love.

We can give you incredible deals on mackerel, on cod. I think the idea is that they've driven down that morning from the port side, right, with all the fresh fish. If you're, I don't know if it's just mothers, but I think, I think they do target mothers. Cause happened to my mother, Ben happened to your mother. That hasn't happened to Mike, Mike is into mother. I think they target mothers and they've got this way about them. They're a bit like a character from a fairy tale. Frankly. I mean, I don't want to. Rumpel fish skin. They're a bit of a rump a fairy tale. I mean, I don't know. Rumpel fish skin. Because what you like your mum is always should be rosy cheeks. What are you talking about? He's

a charming man. It's just him and his pal. And they've had a crazy night out. I'm not trying to show up what's happened. They've ended up with thousands of fish in the back of the van. It's going to anyone. And they just need a bit of a hand, you know, moving these fish on. And they just suck you into their web of stuff. So the only solution unfortunately is to be incredibly rude. Or buy a whole salmon. Yeah, a huge amount of fish. Wait, because what happens is they go and you're like, hang on a minute, I've got like an industrial amount of fish suddenly clogging up my hole. Why has this happened? And I spent 300 pounds. I spent 300 pounds. So you've got to be careful with these people.

This is a good email topic. Have you fallen victim to a pushy Geordie Fischel's man? Do email in, do email in. But when you say you've got to be careful with these people, I don't, I don't, I don't put the window cleaning team in, in, in the same bracket. No, it sounds like it's properly romance to you. This, this, um, also, do you think that, you No, it sounds like it's properly romance to you this this window clinking scene. Also, do you think that, you know, when people go past Mike's house and the windows are obviously

so clean and transparent and shiny, that will attract the Geordie Fishmonger, right? Because they'll see you as a mask. See the light glinting. Yeah. Oh, there's another chump down the road. Wait, I reckon we, you know what, with this guy, I reckon with this guy we don't even sell him an actual salmon, right? What we do is instead... It's like all of the British Isles' accents at once.

I tell you what, you know that my niece does the odd drawing, right? I'm going to get my niece... Fuck it, I won't even bother to get her, I have to do it. I'm gonna draw a picture of a fucking salmon on a bit of paper, read them on. I'm gonna tell them it's a new super 2D salmon they've been evolving. See if that chump will buy it. If anyone can geographically pinpoint exactly where Henry's last... ...level ejaculation came from, please get in touch. If anyone can geographically pinpoint exactly where Henry's last...

...little ejaculation came from, please get in touch. You know what, with chumps of that scale I almost feel a little bit bad about what we're doing. But not really. Not when I see that stupid smile on his face. With his tongue hung and all torn end. Your provincial accents often have quite a high register as well. Your vocal range is extraordinary. It's like a grand piano or Maia Carey. I've got exceptional range. There's absolutely no doubt about it. I tell you, I really share it in my evil Geordie laugh. I'm on. Oh, I might do with all this money we made from this guy's actually buy some actual fish for once. I've never actually tried it.

Can you try and do it as a basey, Jordy? Was that impossible? Why are you the hell you're talking about one? That way their boss, you've gone too far with this lad. You sold him a big biro and told him it was a new kind of prawn. You've gone too far, lads. The thing is, it sounds like Mike is happy with his window cleaning regime. And so he's not being fleeced, is he? He's just paying a price that he's willing to pay for a service that he's happy with. I think if you're agreeing to every eight weeks, you're being fleece. And also I think if you're buying fish off an uncredited Geordie that doesn't have a

fish license, doesn't have a fisherman's beard. We're back to the uncredited Geordie argument. Every debate. Every single debate. Eventually comes back to the uncredited Geer. With a bag full of fish. That's made me ham. Ham is very slightly cheaper than fish and that's the margin. It's begun to smell of fish.

So he's selling it as fish. And you could argue that the pigs are pigs are tuners of the land. People do. What I'd say for the Jordy fish, just a little bit of advice. If you do get the Geordie fish, because this is a separate area. Okay. My advice is even if it feels rude, do not engage with the Geordie fishmonger. Don't think it because as soon as you look into those Geordie eyes and you hear that lovely Geordie lilt, I got sardines, mon! You get, they're so fucking charming, you get sucked in, so I've seen this happen to

people and I come into the hall and I go, close the door! We don't like fish! Don't look into his Geordie eyes, it's too late! Take her, take her! She's lost to us now. Alright, let's turn on the beat machine. Let's do it. Let's do it. This week's topic is sent in by Joe from York. Hello Joe, thank you. Home to the York Vic Viking Centre, which does not give out a pompity discount, though people have tried, is Budget Airlines.

This is an announcement to all travellers on the Beans Airlines flight to Lukewarm Banter International. Boarding is now open at Gate 23. Please make your way to the gate for a smooth and timely departure. Thank you. Once I went to Toronto, or we came back from Toronto, and it was purely just booked the cheapest one that exists. So we didn't think about it. You just go, there's a list of them on the travel thing, it compares all the prices. And we just clicked on it, bought it and it was weirdly cheap. Yeah. And it

turns out that it was a new company that had just started fresh out of Latvia. I can't remember what they were called, but basically as soon, almost as soon as they started trading, they became insolvent like within about two weeks. Oh wow. There was a period where this was happening, I think quite a lot, wasn't it? So we were in Canada, we got an email being like, sorry, so and so airlines doesn't exist anymore. We literally launched two weeks ago. What's going on? The worst is when that happens mid flight, which does happen.

Just disappears from under you. Yeah, we're going to have to power it down. I'm afraid none of us work for the airline anymore. The pilot, we could try and re-employ the pilot as a freelance now, but the paperwork is going to take about three days. He's not actually allowed to fly it anymore. Cough up your lamb. Everyone cough up your lamb. That lamb belongs to us. We're going to use that lamb. Give that lamb to our creditors. I'm sorry. That lamb doesn't belong to you. That lamb belongs to Omnibank. It's Omnibank's lamb. Cough it up. Forget everything that happened in Mali and me. If you watch Mali and me,

forget it. That experience belongs to Omnibank. So their thing was, the company doesn't exist anymore, but you have some statutory rights to be conveyed from Toronto to London. In the hog transport. The annual Canada to Europe hog transport. The good thing about that, it's been in place for over 200 years. You'll be driven across the sea by an angry swine herd. And a ball that has been forced to learn to swim across the Atlantic. So anyway, this company sort of ceased to exist, but did still exist in some form. I fully don't know the legal framework that we were entered into.

They gave us two options. It was like, you know, they have your money back or we can transport you back to Britain. But because it had been so cheap, the flight, it was like 240 quid to go from Toronto to London and that's a return. If we got the money back, we wouldn't be able to afford, we couldn't use that to buy a new flight. We'd have to put more money in. Yeah. So we were like, well, no, we'll just take the, you will be transported. Transport from Canada to Britain is worth more than 240 quid. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Unless

you're canned. Yeah. Unless you're canned or dehydrated, or dehydrated, if you're powdered. Candle powdered. Or if you've been pickled or biltonged. Right. If you're in a biltonged state. Because 90% of the human body is water or that. And then vacuum packed. And then vacuum packed. Yeah, and also the skin is the biggest organ in the body that gets whipped off. Get rid of your water. Get rid of that. The head weighs a sixth of the body. The head's not involved. So there's almost nothing left when you build on someone except for lovely, lovely build on, which you can post over.

Isn't it? So, but it's tricky. I remember the whole thing with this company was that they were able to, when they were running, they were able to run the kind of planes that budget airlines use on a shorter haul flight all the way to North America, which you're not really normally meant to do because it's too far. So the kind of small plane you'd get to go to, I don't know, Italy or something. Yeah.

Were they going against the answer rotation? Because obviously that takes off. Interesting. This is why you need someone like Henry involved in the repatriation process to work out whether or not you need to be slingshotted. Yeah, you need a consultant in this situation. In the opposite direction. Sometimes it's quicker to just head north.

And use the magnet. Use the big magnet. Use the big magnet on the north pole. To slingshot you around. So you've got this. You just collect as many pots and pans as you can. It can be quite cheap. If you want a nice one, you want to get yourself a nice one anyway, get a nice one, but get as many pots and pans as you can walk to the North Pole.

Strap them to your body. Wrap them in copper. Wrap them in copper wiring. That is expensive. You can steal that from a church or... Steal that from a church. Get yourself up to the North Pole. No, but in all seriousness, if you walk straight up to the North Pole. So then that's essentially this. How do you show this? Audio medium, not podcasting audio.

So you go straight up to the North Pole. Wait for you to rotate till you're facing where your destination then you walk straight down again. Using the world as a sort of slide. Do you have to hover then while it's going round? Yeah, we'll just jump up and down. You just jump. Why don't you just turn your body?

Why don't you just turn around? On the North Pole, you want to fucking set the earth off its orbit, mate. Thanks a lot. Thanks mate. Thanks for that. Yeah. You can't be doing that. You need to think of yourself as like a ballerina in a little sort of music box. Yeah, you can't be doing that. You need to

think of yourself as like a ballerina in a little sort of music box. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. So you jump in and it rotates or walk around it and yeah, what's happened to a fortnight now takes three days. Why is that? Because Ben Partridge runs the North Pole and started walking around. See you next Friday. Next Friday is now the last Thursday. Do you remember we slugged off Ben for ruining everything. So you walk around and then obviously that creates what's known as a bulbous triangle.

Stop referring to the diagram. Then effectively Pythagoras gets you home. Okay, so I'm a consultant you can talk to in these situations. So that is one option. Yeah. Anyway, so the plane we were, I remember this quite vividly, the plane we were meant to get home was called the Boeing A321neo. I think it was called. Yeah. A332, I mean every element of that, A, the letter A, the 321, the Neo, it all very much sounds like it's either a prototype or a Lego model. Also the A321 is clear road, which isn't very encouraging. Actually the A stands for Airbus, so it's not Boeing.

Okay. The Airbus 321 Neo. Yeah. We've got the bus bit covered, It's airing it that we're worrying about. Okay, neo. The idea of this plane was it was a small plane that you'd normally get in a budget airline, but because it had extra fuel in it, it could go a bit further. It was a bit more. Unregulated. No, it was a bit more like efficient so you could go further in it. And was this talk, were you aware of this when you bought the tickets? Yes, because then we, on their website, they were making a big deal.

They bought two Airbus 321 Neo's, but that had bankrupted the company which had just started. Right. So you were aware of this when you bought the tickets? I was aware of the plane. If they made a big deal. I'm sorry, Ben, if I'm buying air tickets to go somewhere and the website is talking to me about the amount of petrol needed and that we've worked out a kind of...

And that it will be fine. I don't think... It should almost certainly... Yes, normally these just go to Naples and really no further and even then they have to refuel in Marseille. But it's... We really think... We have done the sums and as long as a prevailing wind... Well, emmilyily that's normally,

if it's in the right direction with the rotation of the earth, you think it's going to be okay. These things tend to average out over the course of a year. We have found a pilot who's willing to give it a go. Exactly, and also we wouldn't say this lightly, don't worry, we've put this in, we've put it in the biggest font that we could, well, we haven't got, we haven't actually bought the font so it's cheaper, So we make our own fonts. But we do not say this lightly, don't worry. And the other thing we don't do lightly is fly. We fly heavy because we put extra petrol on. But don't worry about that either. Also,

if you can bring a jerrycan full of petrol, you can get on half price. Yeah. And you can meet the pilot. You're not actually allowed to meet the pilot because there's a restraining order on him, you're not allowed to meet people. But that's a completely different crime segment from Asian crime. He's caged. He's completely caged. There's nothing to worry about. He then has a parole officer who he directs to press the buttons, as and when he wants. They're not strictly buttons, are they? They're more rudimentary pulleys, isn't it? We couldn't afford buttons not strictly buttons are they there and there are sort of more rudimentary pulleys isn't it it's not we couldn't afford buttons but buttons are just surfaces isn't it it's not the buttons that matter on a laptop for example is what

goes on underneath the buttons isn't it the buttons does an interface and we've saved money on things like interface and we're sharing that saving with you then we've got bicycle gears we've got bicycle gears also a dynamo which provides a reading light. For the co-pilot. Because he gets quite bored of the whole thing because he doesn't know what he's doing so he's untrained. Also we can't afford films but we do have an amdram production of Coriolanus. To be fair that bit is actually true they didn't have films on it. That's how they are. Really?

Yeah. Ben, if I'm thinking about aerodynamics, physics, I don't want to be buying from that person to buy my plane ticket. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I don't want to be thinking about the fact that most planes actually are suckers. Those idiots like British Airways. If the weight of the data of Marley and me is going to tip it over the edge, so it can't make it, the USB stick with Marley and me on it was too heavy. We've only got two rules. The second one is enjoy yourself. And the first one is you must

have a shit before getting on the plane. Everyone has to. I can't emphasise that enough. You absolutely have to. Please be advised that family members without boarding passes do not qualify as hand luggage and must be checked in. Thank you. So then when we were in Canada, we became aware of the fact that I think actually what happened was these planes that they bought hadn't even turned up. So they'd never got to use them because there was a delay in getting them. And that's why they went under because they didn't have any planes or something.

I suppose the only way to get the planes there would be by flying them there. And they can't go that far. They can't go that far. If they bought the planes from an uncredited Geordie? It may well have done. Do not trust door to door Geordie aviation salesman. Aviation salesman. Anyway, so we had this flight booked to go home then and they said, okay, we're going

to honor the flight somehow and it's going to be from this airport at this time. And then I can't remember quite how, but we became aware of people complaining online about the fact that the plane that they were going back on was like a bad plane. And so I looked into this, there's websites where you can check what plane you're going to be in for your flight in advance because they have to register them. And it's form, like a racing horse? Well, sort of, because this one was built in 1972. It was a post plane. Oh, wow. Oh, so, okay, you don't mean it wasn't a plane anymore. You mean it was a... It was a mail plane. And it was used for, get this, transporting mail, also sometimes transporting prisoners

like Conair. And it was like, it had formerly been an American Airlines plane, but because it had got too old, it was now being used for these like sort of rudimentary crap flights. And I also managed to learn that recently it had done the thing called, I think it's called a heel strike, which is when the back of the plane hits the runway as it takes off. This was all available online. This is a tail strike I think it's called. Yeah, because there's all these like nerdy plane people who like plane like train spotters

for planes and they sort of like follow these planes around and know what they do and all this kind of thing. This certainly doesn't sound like a plane that's ever been across the Atlantic, right? This is this is delivered some birthday cards and some murderers to the Yukon. Also, a birthday card can take a lot more jiggling about than a human being in terms of how rough that ride's going to be. The temperatures it can survive at on a level of oxygen. It can survive in really low temperatures, paper on it.

That's one of the reasons that paper is a better medium of transport for written messages than a human face. Just one of them. Just one of them. Also, I'm picturing this is the kind of plane which has one of those, the way you get on is at the back, there's a huge ramp that lowers down at the back. So a tank can go on. So a tank can go on. And quite often there'll be a hugely muscly guy having a fight with Tom Cruise on it. And one of them will flap off the edge and sort of hang on. And get tangled in some sort of cargo net.

That's draping off the back. While you're getting trapped in a cargo net. It has a nuclear warhead in it. And the other point where Tom Cruise just goes off the edge, he's done. The big fat bull guy goes to have a little peek over the edge, what's happened? He's not done. Tom Cruise is still hanging on by the net. Grabs him by the ankles and then yanks

him off. Tables have turned. But that's kind of your in-flight movie, isn't it? And you're all strapped in at the sides, just screaming for the whole journey. That sounds really... You can probably picture this plane because this is the thing that really concerned me or brought home how old this plane was. It wasn't white.

You know how all planes are white, essentially? This one was like metallic. You know, like when it's silver coloured? That's like World War II bomber or something. So I mean, my partner were really sort of like, do we want to get on this ropey old plane? Like this is bad. The access to ashtrays is superb. You're

allowed to light a fire on it. For warmth, in fact you have to light a fire on it. Or you'll die. Halfway through the flight the pilot will be reading out part of the novelisation of Starsky and Hutch. Enjoy! So we were really worried and a bit like, should we book another flight? But they wouldn't put us on a plane where we were all going to die, you know, all this kind of stuff. And then actually the ending of the story is again opaque. I can't quite remember what happened, but the company then came back to life and the Neo A321 Neo was delivered and we went in it and it was fantastic. So hang on, did you have to fly back to Canada though in order to make to benefit from that?

No, while we were in Canada, we thought we were getting into this road trip plane and suddenly the business like found the financing it needed to re-exist. It relaunched, I think with a new name, but it was the same plane. And still, for me that's still not exactly like a really booming high five. Compared to going on the mail plane. Yes! The company that we're going to entrust our lives with kind of died in a way, but just survived! Yeah! Let's entrust our lives to that company that nearly massively fucked up and had completely miscalculated its entire business model.

It's relocated to a different territory. Yeah! Under a new name. Probably it's just really bad at managing business models, where there's actually a plane which has basically petrol, wings, air pressures. And the cheapest pilots available. That'd be fine at that probably. Put it this way, if the business just about survived,

then hopefully we'll just about make it over to the Atlantic. Please note that the duty free labyrinth is currently closed because it is feeding time for the tax minotaur. Thank you. We have an airline pilot listen don't we? Because he told us about the time that he ate a three bean chili whilst driving a plane and was overcome by the spiciness of the meal. We also have Jez the pilot who I met in Munich.

Ah yes. Who does he fly for? Did he say? But I don't know what airline Jez works for. I have no idea. What vibe did he give off? You can normally tell from the vibe of, you know, was he giving off sort of BA vibes? Was he giving off Lufthansa vibes?

He cut a nice dash. Okay. He was a nice looking fellow and he was charming and we had a nice chat. I'm sure Jay's could have taken his pick. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Valedictorium at the Academy of Pilots. I like it when you go to a hotel somewhere and you get in the lift and then some pilots

get in because they're staying there and they're wearing their full uniform and their hat and stuff. They're all dressed up. Yeah. It is quite cool, isn't it? Why do they leave it all on? That's why I don't understand. You would renew if you had a hat like that. Just cause you can walk into anywhere in town.

Exactly. Give me the best table. AAA. Yeah. I've got, I don't know if that's true that I've got a feeling pilot has become less sexy, hasn't it? Since the sixties as a career gradually. I think so.

Well, people in the old days used to like dress up on in a suit to get to get a flight and stuff. And they was like, it was like going to the opera. Yes. That was the picture. I seem to remember. Yeah. Growing up. That was the, that was the hot tip. If you want to, if you want to get an upgrade, I really, you go in a suit. Really? Urban myth, I think. I don't know if that's true. There was a period of budget airlines, wasn't it? There was a kind of hay day. There was that, um, the easy jet guy. What was he called again?

Oh, the Greek guy. Yeah. He was a huge figure. He was. Yeah. You'd never seen these days. No, but there was a big period of airlines with names like bang, wahs, wing bong, pika chow, blam, bloop, remember?

Which is quite, which is sort of not what you want from... And you could fly to Cork for 75p. Yeah. Yes. On Wamba Dash. I once flew to Milan for 99p, I think. On Boing! Oh yeah, we're flying! I actually got a great deal on...

There was a boom of those kinds of things. Yeah. Fly baby, BMI baby. Do you remember BMI baby? Yeah. Which is a name based on the song, be my baby. Right. I mean, was it a pun on be my baby? I don't know. Body mass index. Body mass index baby. Was that the trip was that? Well, it was, was it British Midland or like, I can't remember. I've got, for some reason I've got it in my mind that, um, that easy jet is a tiny little bit. Oh, it's above a cut above. It's a cut above Ryanair. So I'm a bit like, oh, I'm spoiled myself with some easy. I think of easy jet has been quite posh. It's quite, it's basically the posh one. Yeah. Yeah. It's good. Easy jet. Um, Ryanair, Ryanair is like

getting a mega bus, but it flies. There's something about Ryanair that is, it really sucks fun and glamour out of the idea of a holiday. It also, also traveling, no offence to anyone, but traveling by Luton airport does the same. I've been in Luton airport and I'm actually just not even bothered with this fucking thing. Let's just go home, just write the whole thing off. It's already ruined. It's already ruined. It's already ruined. It really takes the wind out of your sails going via Luton anywhere for your holiday.

I mean, we've got to be careful slacking off Luton because Mike is kind of a son of Luton. You've got Luton in your past, right? Have you? My dad grew up there. I still have an aunt who lives there. I think that means we're allowed to slide Luton off actually. Christmas is in Luton. I think you seem to be a bit careful Henry. It means a lot to Mike that place. I'm gonna say Luton is almost sub Derby. Oh my god. Never been to Derby. I'd have nothing against Derby. Sorry. It's just a running joke. But you have been to Luton. Do you think it's bad?

Luton is bad. But have you been beyond the airport? Have you enjoyed the delights of Luton itself? Downtown Luton. Downtown. Everyone wants to die downtown. Look at the dead look in their eyes downtown. Lots of places to buy vapes. Vanilla is one of the vapes you can buy. Strawberry is another favourite vape you can buy. Kumquat is not actually currently available in Luton. Vape shops. This is an announcement to all passengers waiting to board at Gate 23 for the Beans Airlines flight to Lut Banter International. Unfortunately this flight has been

delayed as the pilot was catfished. It turns out that he isn't in fact in a long-running relationship with Bonnie Tyler. So sorry to him and sorry to all passengers who will have to wait for him to stop crying. Thank you! Right, time to read your emails. Let's do it. When you send an email, you must give thanks to the postmasters that came before. Good morning, postmaster! Anything for me? Just some old shit When you send an email

This represents progress Like a robot shoeing a horse Give me your horse. Ooh. Beep beep. My beautiful horse! You can email us at 3beansaladpod at gmail.com. A few people emailed us on similar topics this week.

In general, the vibe is that me and Mike deserve a wee bollocking. Ah, nice. vibe is that me and Mike deserve a wee bollocking. For calling into question the idea that no one else remembers the McDonald's advert that Henry sang us last week. To our beef patty special sauce ladies, cheese, pickled onion, sesame seed bun. A lot of people were like, yeah, that's famous about me. Yeah, that was massive. So I'll accept that bollock. Yeah, absolutely.

Do we have a, was there any demographic data, Benjamin? I think it's the older listeners, the more mature. Oh, fuck you. To all beef bollocks right into your face. So anyway, that's the bollocking accepted from me. Bollocking accepted. Bollocking accepted. But Henry's not spared of the bollock. This is from David. Next time he sings that jingle, the McDonald's jingle, stop him when he gets to the pickled onion part and ask him, since when does a Big Mac container pickled onion? Question.

Can you sing for us again? To our beef patty special sauce lettuce cheese pickled onion in sesame seed but I could quite that's going to like a knockoff McDonald's where they put a pickle. Maybe that is a knockoff McDonald's and then she starts singing like a siren. To our beef pickled onion in sesame seed. The portion of Belgian fries. she starts singing like a siren.

The portion of Belgian fries. I know I think it's it's pickles. It's pickles onion. Yeah, good. Well done. Yeah. Very good point. Mind you pickled onion in a burger. Would that be nice? Wouldn't it? Yeah. I love pickling. I eat them raw. I raw dog pickled onions sometimes. Great. Can I just add a little sub note there? I think we're misusing the term raw dog a bit. And it's coming up, it's coming up quite frequently. Oh no. What? It's changed.

We've talked about it in transportation. Has it changed? Raw dog used to mean unprotected sex. Yes. Right. Has it, so it has changed. But people now use it to mean sort of doing something without the accoutrements. Yeah, but no, you're right. It's a sort of

troubling phrase. So I've just missed the memo about the repurposing that hasn't reached Exeter. I think it is quite new though. It's like a, it's a Gen Z thing. They'll talk about raw docking things and they don't mean. Fucking a jar of pickled onions. Without protection. I'm happy for us to stop saying it if you make sure. No, no, no. I just felt it felt worth clarifying. Yeah.

Thank you. I think I was worth doing definitely. So Christian from Perth in Australia. Hello. Writes, hello beans. Knowing your collective interest in both random bits of trivia and the future nozzle-based society to which we're all heading, I thought I'd send you this bit of dystopian horror. Aboard His Majesty's £6 billion aircraft carriers, the defenders of the realm, his salty jack-tar sailors are served their breakfast by Scrag. What? What the heck is that? And he sent us a picture of Scrag. Scrag. Scrag is an

egg-scrambling droid bot. Oh my god. No. Scrag. Now you should be able to see an image of that now. Oh my word. God, what's served in hot cups of scrambled eggs? So can you explain what it looks like? It looks like a coffee machine for egg. It's a coffee machine and it's paper cut. It's a classic Costa style paper cup, but with steaming hot egg in it. Is that supposed to be someone who's in the Navy wearing a Czech shirt and he's next to like a little basket full of bagels and like seeded bums. Maybe that's the aircraft carrier uniform. Or the HWS Prince of Wales. They've not even tried to not make it sound dystopian.

Do you know what I mean? Scrag! It's spelled C-R-A-E-G-G. So that's scrambled and egg mashed together to create a word. Why don't you just call it Scrag? Yeah, why keep in the A? Scrag! Scrag!

Scrag! It's so dystopian. Yes, it's Scrag, the egg-scrambling droid bot. I've attached a picture of the monstrosity and, having served as an officer on HMS Queen Elizabeth, I can tell you that the produce is exactly as disgusting as you'd imagine. It's pretty to pull chicken who's trapped in that. Poor thing.

That's a Victoria Cross that chicken should be getting. For that work, but they'll probably never be honoured. I never want to eat a coffee cup full of hot egg. A hot cup of steaming Skraig. Skraig. Skraig. It's absolutely, and that name, it just sounds like a sort of fairy tale monster, doesn't

it, from like a Nordic folk story. Skraig, we'll come and get you, Skreg. Welcome to our village, but don't stray out at night because you shall meet the Skreg. And the Skreg will scramble you and put you in a hot cup. Thank you, Christian. That is horrifying. Really, really heinous. But good to know that Her Majesty's, His Majesty's Navy I should say, sorry. Obviously they march on their stomachs and they're getting a good cup of hot egg in the morning.

That's the thing. I do think, yeah, if you go for the ship life, I don't think you imagine the catering is going to be like Michelin starved, right? But no, come on, we can try a bit harder than that. For boys and girls of the Royal Navy. Marcus emails, hello beans. Henry's recent rendition of a McDonald's jingle, which only he seemed to have heard, reminded me that I seem to be the only person who can remember McDonald's briefly selling hot dogs in the UK and the McDonald's hot dog advert jingle. I'm emailing in the hope that perhaps Henry could validate my memory or confirm that I

am insane. Thank you to the postmasters that came before Mark. I've got no memory of this at all. It feels like there's a kind of, there are certain sort of sacred areas that McDonald's, I don't know, it feels like there's almost like a law that they don't go in, they don't mess with that with hot dogs. I don't know. It feels like.

Or was this nationwide? Or was this sort of, where's Marcus from? Was it piloted wherever Marcus? Marcus hasn't told us where he's from. He just, okay. So maybe they just tried it out in Worcester on a rainy weekend and no one talks about it. I'd be interested to try one because it's interesting what McDonald's always does is it takes, it takes a product and makes a version of it, which isn't like any, you know, which

isn't like any other version of that food type. So the monos burger, it isn't a burger. I don't know what it is. I like it. I like it every now and then. But it's not a burger. I mean, I don't know what it is. It's not a burger. A burger is two or three patties. A pickled onion. No, but but you know, like a Big Mac, like, you can't imagine any of those components being sort of sourced separately, then put together to create it. You don't mean like you got a normal

burgers, others, there's some buns, there's meat, they put some lettuce in this has happened. There's an onion, like, a Big Mac is just this thing that you know, and their fries are the same. They're quite they're almost like abstracted from reality. They're platonic almost Jimmy, it's like kind of it's not really how you could never make a big mac at home. You could never fucking make a big mac home. And the closest I've ever got to that was I once bought a big mac took

it home. It had gone cold. I didn't have a microwave at the time. So I put it in the oven and disappeared. And then I looked at photographs of myself as a child and I was holding it. It had travelled into my past and made decisions about my future. This is the safest place to hide its secrets. It created the worst smell. A smell I can't describe to this day. Never put a Big Mac in the oven because it was intersecting

with real cooking implements. I think you could probably microwave it. Don't put it in an oven, don't put it in a toaster. It's not that kind of heat, is it? It's not that kind of heat, it's some kind of... It's not temperature heat, it's molecular heat that creates a Big Mac. So what I'm saying is because also their fries don't really have a relationship with the potato. You mean it's all abstracted. Yeah, you with me? I do. I do know.

I know you take a potato and try and make what those things are potato. Good luck. So what they were done with a hot dog. I've been interested because we know what we know for sure is it wouldn't have any relationship with a hot dog. As we know, it would be this new category that I mean. Yeah. It's gonna make Marcus your scraggers in the post. that have created. Yes, I know what you mean. Yeah. Skreg.

Marcus, your skreg is in the post. Every correspondent this week gets a skreg. And is that a skreg machine or a skreg? A cup of skreg. A hot cup of skreg. A dangerously hot cup of skreg. Yeah, you'll get a drive by cup of skreg. It'll come past your house at some point in the next week. Yeah.

Hopefully just before the window cleaner comes. And it'd be hard to know how many eggs are in any of Skreg, it'll come past your house at some point in the next week. Yeah. Hopefully just before the window cleaner comes. And it'd be hard to know how many eggs are in any given Skreg because there's so much egg intermingling isn't there in the city. Maybe your house has been Skregged. Better than it could be then. My house has been Skregged. You might be in a Skreg testing zone. Yeah, you could be in a Skreg glue. You could be in a protein rich Skreg glue. You know what I'm worried about with skreg is that obviously any machine will eventually learn love. It'll fall in love with a seaman or a sea woman.

Yeah. They'll have an affair, but it'll have to, it'll only be able to express love through the medium of hot, of hot, hot egg. Yeah. So hot egg spraying, it'll just be spraying a hot egg on your face. Cause that's the only way it can express love. While it's trying to say his vows. Yeah, exactly.

It's quite hard to tell the difference between love and, for example, anger from a scrag, isn't it? It is. Because anger will similarly be hot egg. I think anger will be slightly hotter egg. Right, okay. Love will probably be slightly runnier, slightly runnier, assessing. Love will be a bit runnier.

What are the other emotions? Fear. Fear will be brown scrag. Imagine going out for breakfast and the Scrag comes out brown. Oh, it's everyone to a station at that point, isn't it? Battle stations. Also, imagine you come to the Scrag machine, you wake up in the Scrag machine and there's someone else's lipstick on its nozzle.

You've been Scragging directly into the mouth of my best friend. You've got to imagine that when they announce Top Gun Maverick, which of course is partly set on an aircraft carrier, that the Skreg Corporation must have tried to put a lot of money into getting Skreg featured in the movie. Oh yeah, because they only got as far as implicit Skregs. We knew that there were Skregs going on. You could tell that Skreg was happening. They'd obviously, I mean all of those pilots were full of Skreg because you could tell

them. Yeah, they probably had a mini Skreg was happening. They'd obviously, I mean, all of those pilots were full of Skreg because you could tell them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They probably had a mini Skreg on their jets, I expect. For the long haul flights. But they also, because they all had the Skreg sweats, didn't they? There's a slightly kind of... Unique, regardless of the temperature outside. Yeah, slightly constant.

And there's a kind of glassy-eyed look as well you get after a big cup of Skreg. You could see that on their face. And of course all your teeth fall out. So there's a few little signs. Well, that's why a lot of them fly alone, isn't it? Because of the old Skreg guffs. Yeah. Oh my God.

Yeah. Not nice. That's why you can never put a Skreg machine on a submarine. That's what they say, isn't it? Exactly. No, this is surface fleet only guys. Okay. But it's because the pressure changes so much when you go

down that the valves would, it would, it would completely scraggly entire, the entire insight with entire ocean potentially. It's scraggly the sea, the entire sea would be a huge scrambled scragg. Which obviously the sea life will love for a bit. Yeah, but then we're then in the Scrag Age. And then the fact that you married a Scrag machine may mean people aren't laughing at you quite so much. Still laughing at you quite a lot though.

Because you're married to a Scrag machine. The wedding would be a good wedding, wouldn't it? Because you'd have the Scrag machine and then all their relatives, which would be ancestrally machines that have led to the Skreg. So toasters, microwaves, gatling guns. On one side of the aisle. On the other side of the aisle, your horrified family. The ones that haven't disowned you. But the Skreg speeches as well, what would that be like?

That would be shooting a hot egg over the father of the Scrag. Over the concrete. Just a sort of moving speech from a milking machine or something. Yeah. The father of the Scrag would be crying tears of Scrag. Crying Scrag tears. From its nozzle. Then there'd be the brother of the Scrag with some crying tears of Skreg. Crying Skreg tears. From its nozzle. Then there'd be the brother of the Skreg with some ribald stories about how in the

old days they used to do it. Pushing it a bit too far. Yeah. They used to go to strip bars. His grandma doesn't want to hear any of this. Grandmother. The toaster, she's turned herself up to 11. She's so angry.

She's got all hot and angry. The toaster. But of course a lot of those young able-bodied seamen and sea women who are there, the friends, they're hoping that I think it's a good chance to get your... Like, fuck a soda stream. It's a good chance, you're right. Finally an email from Nick in Buckinghamshire.

Dear beans, uh, Nick. Hi Nick. This is a bollocking for Henry. Oh, shame. Can I say, I don't normally do this. Bollock back. If you look me, then I'll follow you. So who are you following Nick?

Buckinghamshire. Now I'm taking a bloody risk. I'm putting everything on the line here. Okay, I'm bollocking back already. Whoa. Bring it on. What's the basis? I've already committed to the bollock back. There's nothing I can do now. I can't reverse the process. The bollock back has begun. Okay. Well, let's hear his bollock and then you have to bollock him back. Okay. You might be bollock rupt by the end of this. I might be completely bollock rupt. I'm going to be borrowing bollocks off you, you guys. Just get myself afloat. So next says, I was just enjoying the Lukewarm banter seamlessly interweaving multi-genitalian alien bar drinkers and the Civil War.

Sorry? That was a couple of weeks ago. However, Henry referred to the said alien, I think we call it an alien brothel actually, as being in the future. Whereas any vaguely sentient organism would know that the Star Wars story opens very clearly as being set a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away. Thank God I'm safe. I thought I was right for a minute there. Yeah, it was set a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, but on whose terms? On that galaxy's terms. Does

that galaxy's lifespan coincide with ours? So that a long time ago there is a long time ago here, I doubt it. It's a long time ago in that galaxy. lifespan coincide with ours? So that a long time ago, there is a long time ago here, I doubt it. It's a long time ago in that galaxy, different galaxies, different timespans, different time, different times, schedules. Okay, thank you. So move on to the bit where we do the song at the end. Thank you. But now you have to- Song at the end. Thank you.

Okay, you've reflected that bollock. That's fine. I'm on your side for that one. But you know, you did promise that you'd now bollock Nick. So you have to name Bollock Nick. Oh, did I? Yeah, you said you'd Bollock Nick. Okay. Your DIY show is shit, mate. You're imagining it's Nick Knowles. It's just assuming that he's got a YouTube channel with a DIY show. I mean, it's probable Nick from Buckingham, I mean, it's got all the hallmarks of a DIY YouTuber. I'm throwing the dice on that being Nick Knowles. You're really doing some big gambling, aren't you? Yeah.

Wow. I feel like you don't know Nick Knowles is Britain's premier television presenter. Yeah, he's National Treasure, National Treasure and DIY expert. It's time to be the Ferryman. Patreon.com forward slash free meat salad. Thank you to everyone who signed up on our Patreon. Thank you. Patreon.com forward slash free meat salad is the place to go. There are various tiers you can sign up at. You can get our bonus episodes, which include our film review episodes. I've recently edited

the most recent one. We didn't do a great job of explaining the films we were talking about. That's true. That's not what it's about. That's not what it's about though. So if you want to listen to three men talk about a film, but you don't know what the film is. Yeah. Then I would probably check it off into NE.

Because there's something very wrong with you. Anyway, it's all good fun. There were different tiers you can sign up at. And if you sign up at the Sean Bean T, you get a shout out from Mike. From the Sean Bean Lounge. You were there all last week, couldn't you? The whole week this time, yeah. Cause well, they were putting in, they were installing in your obscene ceiling weren't they? They were. Thank you Henry. And here's my report.

It was installing an obscene ceiling week last week at the Shambheen Lounge. To determine which ceiling would be rendered obscene, Joan Beak, Dan Hill, Ty Wilson, Louisa, Bruno Lordow and Paula Robinson were given a 10 minute head start and then Jack Nemeth, Rory, Caroline Knight, Devereaux O'Brien, Alex Pitsoulos, and Karen Graves and her dog Shadow went on the hunt armed with tranquilizer dart blowpipes and launchable glue. The room in which the last person was incapacitated would have its ceiling obscene with me as adjudicator. But not me, me and other me as in someone else called me. And so it was that Bruno was tranquilized in the Sean Bean Library by Shadow with the canine-adapted Beretta.

The library was, of course, originally founded by Vicky, Happy Bean Birthday once again, Lee, consecrated by Colin Broadbent, desecrated by Dave McSudenham, refurbished by Lydia Smith, defurbished by Noah, subjected to dirty protest by Simon Norton, and used by Sam Hopkins to test patio cleaning equipment. These noble souls formed the Library Committee, who have gone on to fill the Library with books that have been published by, about or despite Sean Bean, plus one collection of bawdy cartoons by Owen Anderson and Jimmy Jones. These cartoons were used as inspiration for the design of the obscene ceiling. For example, a scene depicting the International Monetary Fund's Board of Directors engaged in a Bacchanalian bareback barbecue was turned into a tasteless fresco by Tam Lines and Stephen Rhodes, using Matthew Gray, Cormac and Bristol, Adam Pope and Tobias Anderson as life models. This was stuck to the ceiling by Patrick Flynn, using Luke, Hannah Holly and Ash Charman as human Blu

Tak. Ellie McTimoney and Charlie Toogood set about plastering over the rest of the previously only Salacious ceiling, but were urged to also do this obscenely by Will Cooper, Bernadette Hickey and Chris Hutchins Joss. They were unsure how to proceed, so Louis W., Ben Farrell and Alex Humm demonstrated what they called plastering Vegas style on Alex Lee and Richard Lee Thomas or Lee Thomas, who both agreed afterwards that they'd never be able to look stucco in the eye again. Rebecca Joy Smith, Christian Peacock and Henry Johnston then opened an obscene confession inspiration circle, which they claimed was confidential but did record in order to harvest further material for the sealing.

Anna Bishop, Ryan Chanter, Chris and Alice all had eye-watering anecdotes from their gap years in Derby, while Danny McIntyre and Nick Sturz tales of a standard Wednesday in the eastern panhandle of West Virginia would have made a deep sea erotic tickler blush. Hausner, James, Jack Mowbray and Dave Troman's scatological offerings were just the right side of the line, as were suggestions by Ruth, Matthew Payne, Dave Boyle-Saccarra and Joe Brett, based on their knowledge of multi-protagonist orifice parkour. Ewan West, Alex Walker, Sally Davies and Daniel South donned obscene plaster decorator costumes, home-made by Ben Price and Alastair Patrick and with a nod to 1930s Berlin, and brought all of this to life on the ceiling with gypsum and paint.

Crossing the line and not having their ideas realised were Alad Morgan, Joe Simpkins, Kirsten Wood and Nick Forsey, who broke NDAs to share unconfirmed obscene Sean Bean rumours. They were all re-NDA'd by Eric Frieden, legally gagged by Rob Taylor, physically gagged by Kerry Moyles, encased in ice by Earl Hatchback, driven to leel by Camilla Edwards, and stored in Jack Glover's family getaway meat locker by Alex Conway. To add an obscene note to proceedings, Okay, let's finish off the show with a version of our theme song. as a single glance at the finished product would render the viewer incapable of ever cultivating a fulfilling carnal life. Thanks all. Okay, let's finish off the show with a version of our theme tune sent in by one of you, and this is from Barney. Thanks Barney.

Barney writes, Hi beans, I recently bought a sailboat. Well, I know what you need to be installing on that sailboat, Barney. For your breakfast. Esgreee. Esgreee. Esgreee. I've recently bought aeegg. Esgreeeegg. I've recently bought a sailboat and I'm relatively new to the sailing scene. I recorded this version of your bean theme a while ago when I made my first voyage around Scotland's west coast. I was tucked in a cosy little bay where off to starboard the sun gently set behind

the diving gannets hunting for their last snack of the day. Sounds lovely. So yeah, he's recorded this whilst on the boat. Oh, lovely. Thanks. Wonderful. Thank you very much indeed. And thanks everyone for listening. Thanks for listening. So Well, thank God for the optimistic court at the end, because it was hauntingly lonely stuff before that minute. He really needed a hot cup of Scrag there, didn't he? He needed someone to ask him inside to their home and give them a cuddle and a warm hot cup of Scrag. Warm Scrag, yeah. Okaydle and a warm, hot cup of skreg. Warm skreg, yeah.

Okay, look after yourself, aren't you? And with that, that's the end of the season. Series season, whatever we call them. Have a lovely break. We'll be back in November, won't we, for the Christmas run up. Nope. We're going back in December. For the Christmas run up.

We'll see you in December. Bye, cheerio.