Three Bean Salad - D.I.Y.

Episode Date: January 22, 2025

Steven of Oslo suggests DIY as the topic for this week’s episode so if you’re looking for the audio equivalent of a double-treaded sub-insulated Type D prog-backed 9mm helix arched reverse spiral pentagonal retaining bolt shackle with adjustable nose you’ve come to the right place.With thanks to our editor Laura Grimshaw.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and bonus/video episodes: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladMerch now available here: www.threebeansaladshop.comGet in touch: [e-mail] @beansaladpod

Before we start, I might mention that, although this is kind of a thing we talked about on Patreon, we watched a film called Hundreds of Beavers that we all enjoyed. And the filmmaker of that is coming to the UK and they're doing a load of screenings and kind of Q&As. Oh really? They're doing a kind of tour of the film. Yeah. Oh amazing. Oh wow. So if you're you hear us talking about that and you want to go and see it in the cinema, which is how it needs to be seen, I would say go and see it. Go and see it. Because it's a good communal view for sure. Exactly. Whole family. Yeah. Whole family. I think if you just Google hundreds of beavers, you'll find it.

Yeah, and we'll put the link to Google in the show notes. The link to Google, yeah. But honestly, it's a gateway to so much information. Extraordinary, isn't it? Yeah. It really changed the way I used the internet when I found out about that. Yes, because you were having to do HTTP and all that jazz, weren't you? I was having to guess URLs. You were having to guess URLs, which you did get quite good at to be fair.

And you'd still do that live tour thing sometimes where you guess URLs on stage. That's right, yeah. But it wasn't wasted, even in the learning stage. I mean, you went down some interesting avenues, didn't you? You've accumulated some very unusual knowledge as a result of your accidental URL. That's right. You can make a hand grenade, can't you, just out of dead wooden creature skeletons? Isn't it? It's all that deep web stuff that people don't come across. Yeah, because you guys on Google, you're in the shallow end, really.

Yes, we're very much shallow end. Very mainstream. It's things like a guy that makes eggs using an espresso machine. Yeah, it's water wings information. It's yeah. Once you start guessing URLs though, some of the stuff you'll end up seeing, you know, scales fall from your eyes, don't they? Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah. I mean, Ben, you could basically from memory now, you could draw a pretty much functioning sort of. Battleship, yeah. Everything that a ship builder would need. Battle galleon. Battle galleon. Yeah.

Oak made. An oak made battle galleon. But you could give that to just a standard high street shipbuilder and they could put together something functional, couldn't they? Based on your blueprints. Yeah, if I had enough oak. Yeah. Hard to get these days.

Not enough sort of virgin forest in Britain these days to properly build a really good armada of galleons. But isn't that why you're stockpiling oak? That's part of it, isn't it? I'm also panelling my house, mate. Ben, you've got so many long-term passive income schemes, haven't you, from all your RL deep dives that you've done over the years, haven't you? It's mainly just oak, to be honest.

It's oak stuff, isn't it? And it's not really giving me any kind of income. More sapping all of my resources as I plough more and more of my own money into oak. And sap is the right word isn't it because you've got huge amounts of sap that you have to deal with. Well I have to buy mainly eat and drink sap. It's very hard to monetise sap. Which is why you've got that kind of, people say you've got like acorn cheeks but actually you are people say you've got like acorn cheeks, but actually you are almost like 30 or 40% acorn in terms of on a cellular level now. Yeah. Yeah. And of course that means that your skin now has the consistency of wet bark.

Yeah, that's right. Yeah. It's horrible. Which is very unsightly as well as uncomfortable. Which is very unsightly, as well as uncomfortable. But luckily nature has shrouded you in a moss poncho. Yes, yes, that's right. Well speaking of something that's covered up with a moss poncho, the bean machine. Lovely. Really nice. Master of the segway. I have had to cover it with a moss poncho. Well that keeps it warm in the winter and then gets it ready for spring, doesn't it?

When it sprouts mushrooms from every crevice, every pipe. Very painful for me. the moss poncho. Yeah. Well that keeps it warm in the winter and it gets it ready for spring, doesn't it? Indeed. When it sprouts mushrooms from every crevice, every pipe. Very, very painful for me. Full of very, very painful and they're completely toxic mushrooms. And come the wild hogs to eat, feast upon it and spread the seed. Exactly. They de-bride me of fungus. But then again, that is also very painful. The wild hog come as you hear that

you hear the clattering of hooves and you've got about 20 minutes to get ready. That's right. They clatter down there because it's in a sort of concrete, it's in a multi-storey car park area, isn't it? Yeah. Well, that's why I live. Yeah. So you live in an entire ECP car park, don't you? NCP? Put it this way, if you've ever gone to a multi-storey car park and you've got on the lift and you go, oh, it smells of piss in here, you assume it's because someone naughty is pissing there. It's actually because hundreds of wild hogs are pissing it on their way up or down to feast on mushrooms from the bean machine.

Yeah, it's a crucial part of the ecosystem. So don't stress about it. Exactly. I pick a different multi-story car park every year. This year it will be in Lewisham. So the one you've been in Coventry, you're leaving that fallow for a few years now. That's quite a nice way of managing the terrain. And what happens is cars then park in it, don't they? When you're not using it.

And that kind of brings it back to life again. But if everyone wants to go shopping in central Lewisham this year, it's probably going to be a bit of a struggle, isn't it? I'd say use the, um, use the shop. What's it called? The ride and the shopping ride. The stop and shopping, the shopping bus, you use the shopping, shopping bus. Parking, park and ride, park and ride.

Use the park and ride. Okay. Here's a little pop quiz. Yeah. Which of us here has used a park and ride the most times in their life? Right, it's not you, because I think you've probably never used a park and ride. Correct. I'm currently on zero park and rides.

I will take a park and ride if I ever visit Bath. It's the best way to visit that very wise traffic clogged town. Yes. Mike, I'm guessing you park and ride it quite a few times. I have, I have met there. There are other cities. Yeah. You're sort of, um, you're pretty, you're pretty small cities tend to be quite

good for the park and ride, as you say, Bath, your Oxford's, your Cambridge's, your York's, that kind of thing. You're on a safe bet with the park. So park and ride for people that know is a system whereby driving to visit a city, you park in the suburbs in large car park areas, you then queue up in a sort of, I imagine a grim sort of squat building with some depressing vending machines in it. A non-functioning toilet? No, there's often no vending machines, no toilet, but there is a great sense of community.

Doesn't it sort of really, really crush your soul at all? Is there any of that going on in it? You get used to these things in the provinces. It's a different sort of normal. You learn to eschew the finer things in life and learn to appreciate Debenhams. Debenhams and the fact that the access to Debenhams is semi-pedestrianized. Debenhams and the fact that the access to Debenhams is semi-pedestrianized. And if anything goes wrong, just feel the warm embrace of the one-way system, which will take you around and drop you off. Exactly. Back again.

Exactly. The miracle of the inner bypass. Precisely so. Because I feel it would subtract a bit of the glamour of shopping. Because for me, I jump on a line bike, I go to Savile Row, I go to... You're measured up? I'm measured up. You have a bespoke washing machine made for you?

I have a bespoke washing machine made for me. I then sip on a new kind of latte that's got something like turmeric in it or something. I have a turmeric latte, a turmeric foot rub, a lot of cumin enema. Because those are the spices that have just drawn in on the Thames that week. They're the ones that's just drawn in. And then that gives the time. Then by the time I finished with that, my bespoke washing machine's made. Have it wrapped and sent to my quarters, you say to the man. That's right.

And I'll say, sometimes I say, sometimes I say, get yourself a pair of trousers to boot. But to my measurements. Yes, it's a tough tipping system in the old Taylor's game, isn't it? Meanwhile I'm in Bath City Centre and I've just dropped a panini on the road. Yeah. And that isn't a euphemism, but it can be. Can be. Yeah. Anyway. This week's topic as sent in by Steven in Oslo. Oh, thank you Steven in Oslo.

International correspondent. Brilliant. It's almost a panandromic city. But it isn't. national correspondent. Brilliant. It's almost a palindromic city. Well, only if it was called Oslo slow. Any other any, um, palindromic cities that'll think to think about? Oh, I mean, I can't think of anything else. I bet there's a Scandi one.

I bet there's something like with an A and another A and an R in the middle. Yeah. There'll be like a... There'll be some circles above it. The circles might floor you. Some umlauts. Yeah. I reckon Scandi will come up trumps with that. That's my bet.

I can think of nothing else now. I think with that bit of content, I've gone too Radio 4 and too far away from Joe Rogan as a pod experience. I don't want us to be Joe Rogan, but I want us to be. Okay. But again, he's pushing boundaries, isn't it? It's like you're hoovering in the pre-show pre-amble. You're pushing boundaries. That's true. All right, come on, crack on. Apologies.

LA is so almost a talent drone. Yeah. Listen, okay, so apologies in advance, Dillis. Now this isn't Ben's fault at all, but Ben is now only going to be able to think about this for the rest of, okay. So apologies in advance, Dilis. Now this isn't Ben's fault at all, but Ben is now only going to be able to think about this for the rest of the episode. So if he seems like he's phoning it in or not really paying attention, you can't blame the man. I'm just trying to look out where the Santiago de Compostela is a... It's a phalanedrome. Without Googling. You're going to lance the boil and Google it, Henry.

I'm going to lance the boil. Because also I would just have to guess at URLs until I find. Okay. I've got a few. Okay. Arda, it's in the United States apparently. Okay. Asa in Japan, Eme in Nigeria, Ere in Greece, Ibi in Nigeria and Spain apparently.

Oh no, in the United States and Japan. SAS Hungary and ABBA Nigeria. Oh, SAS Hungary. SAS Hungary Nigeria. Oh, Sass Hungary. Sass Hungary. Don't mind if I do. Sounds like a delightful place for a naughty little away break, doesn't it? Get some local Hungarian delicacies and eat them. I took a gamble I knew some Hungarian food there. Started that sentence, turns out I didn't. It's goulash.

It's goulash. It's goulash all the little long day. I'd love to be the mayor of SAS. Yeah. I think in a way, to me, you are the mayor of SAS, Ben. Do you know what I mean? Or at least a high-ranking council official. An alderman.

An alderman of SAS. Head of parking. The bursa of slash. The bursa of SAS. When the bins are collected every Saturday night and they're looking fabulous. Don't know what that means. Anyway, Stephen's topic. Yes please.

As sent in by Stephen. I've now got palindromic thinking. You're thinking in palindromes. You try to make palindromic sentences. If you write down Ben's entire, if you took the minutes, if you scroll down everything Ben says in today's episode, the whole thing will actually be a palindrome. I'm doing that across a lifetime. So I'm actually, it's much easier, I'm in the first half, hopefully.

And it's much easier at the moment. It's going to get very hard in around two or three years. Yeah. And also, unfortunately, because of the way things have played out, your last, your dying word is going to have to be asparagus. You're going to have to come up with a reason to say asparagus on your deathbed. Well, it'll be the backwards of the first word I ever said. Which was?

Which was... Pug, pug-ras-a-pooze. What? Pug. Spag-rac-a-poo. My parents were very, very worried. No, no, that's, I suppose, yeah, the first thing you said would have been, ah, so that's fine. You can do ah backwards quite easy. Oh great.

My last words are going to be ah. Yeah. You just want to do too many of them though. So don't go off too high a building. Yeah, what you want is want too many of them though. So don't, don't go off too, too high a building. Yeah. What you want is a quick ah, as you, as you And then spagracapool. Yeah.

It is, it is sad, isn't it? That the onion child's first word will be spagracapool. That is true. They do say that. So listen out for that. Anyway, Stephen's topic is DIY. Bloody hell mate. Hmm. Anyway, Stephen's topic is DIY. Bloody hell mate. Oh, you've come to the right guy. Sit back and enjoy the show. This could be more of a tutorial to be honest.

Let's start with your basics. Hammers. Get as many as you can. All the different types of hammers, right? Which are, I mean, take it away, Henry. Yeah. So you want your, you want your, your, your, your hammer that bashes stuff in, but also your hammer that pulls stuff back out again.

Yeah. Well, it's a claw hammer, isn't it? It's a claw hammer. Yeah. Uh, S, S, Sledgehammer, sister Sledgehammer, MC, MC Hammer. MC Hammer. Toffee Hammer. Yeah. And, um, probably you're looking at time of day to buy those. I'd probably go for hammer time. MC. MC Hammer. MC Hammer. Toffee Hammer. Yeah, and probably if you're looking at time of day to buy those, I'd probably go for hammer

time. When they're fresh. When they're fresh. Yeah. Good fun. Lovely fun. Yeah, no, so you want, yeah, mini hammers, so like even if they might look quite silly, some of those tiny hammers, but you don't, you know, you don't want to be in that situation

where your washing machine's falling off the, falling off and... Falling off the hook that you put to hang it up on the wall. You've got to hang them up high, haven't you, in case of flooding. Don't forget your roll plugs, guys, if you're hanging up a washing machine. Get everything above rat height, if you can. So that's three foot or more up the wall. Henry, where do you stand on the thorny issue of mallets? Well, you know what? For me, a mallet is just like a hammer that, it's a blunt version of a hammer, isn't it? It's sort of less subtle. A hammer is more of a precision tool. A hammer is like the scalpel of the whacking stuff world.

And then above that you've got mallets, paddle. Which is more like a sort of machete. And then pushing a big man into it. Yeah. Which of course we don't, luckily we don't have to do anymore. But then you've got your pans. Yeah. You're reversing your I-10.

Reversing your I-10. I think it's the wrong one. I was still a bit once bit twice shy with the old DIY following my, my, my boo boo of a couple of months ago. Often is that when you were looking for a tortoise and you fell off a tree? That one. That suggests don't give this guy access to drills. Absolute classic DIY error.

Well, for one thing, you shouldn't have stored all your Alan Key's up that tortoise's ass. It was an anti rust tortoise. It was an anti-rust tortoise. No, so what was the DIY issue, Mike? Falling off a ladder. It was falling off a ladder, wasn't it? But you were looking for a tortoise, to be fair. That's how it started, yeah. Tortoise remains unfound at this time.

I've been a bit DIY shy ever since, to be honest. So before that, though, Mike, were you a DIY man? I have in the last couple of years been slightly emboldened to give things a go hither and thither. It's normally not going very well. Like for example, there was nowhere to dry clothes. So I tried to put up one of those, you know, there's things that you sort of like a sort of Victorian kitchen type thing where you hoik it up on a rope.

Yeah. Like in Edinburgh flats or flats, or Scottish... Yeah, exactly. Scottish tenants with high ceilings have them. Solution. And I read the instructions and I drilled a hole in the ceiling and I was like, that felt good. And I even got one of those little, what are they called?

The stud finder things? So you... Yeah. So you... The Tinder app. Nice. Yeah. Lovely bit of wordplay.

Not bad, is it? So yeah, so you can check whether or not there's pipes or electric wires or hotcakes in the wall. And I've found it completely impossible to interpret. So then for the second hole I need to make, I basically made a series with what I called pilot holes in the ceiling. And I basically just absolutely riddled the ceiling with holes until the next time my brother-in-law came around and just sorted it out for me.

It's classic brother-in-law stuff. You need a brother-in-law. You need a brother-in-law in the situation. He's so capable as well. Get yourself a brother-in-law. Big hairy arms. He does. And he, I mean, when we first moved into this house, he genuinely turned up on

their first visit, like to say hello. He genuinely turned up with it with a toolbox knowing full well that that would prevent me from. Of course. F Fing up the whole place. My wife is quite handy. She's quite capable, but he's, he's next level. He's also dangerously reckless.

He's the kind of guy who will like rewire stuff. Oh, wow. He understands how to do it a bit, but he will, he will push the limits. So have you got one of those drying things now? Yeah. thanks to the old brother-in-law that's my dream it's a real game changer I'll set a lock up look at to look up and see the socks stalactites oh it's lovely dangling down yeah but there's all there's some physics involved isn't there whereby like if they're in the sky they dry faster for somehow but I don't know the heat goes up from the radiator doesn't it oh I see. But it's also just not in your

way. So instead of just trying to wade through a pile of wet socks, they're in the sky. They're in the sky, the very sky. Sorry, I'm being a real Braggster now, but that's the magic of having a having a brother in law, sweet, sweet brother in law. Because the irony is that that brother in law also has a brother in law. Call Mike Wozniak.law. Sweet, sweet brother-in-law. Because the irony is that that brother-in-law also has a brother-in-law called Mike Wozniak. Oh God. Who's not fulfilling his brother-in-law obligations at all. No, but hang on Henry, if you are the hairy-armed brother-in-law. Ah, that's right.

You're looking for something else in your brother-in-law. Yeah. So what is he getting out of Mike? What is he? I'm quite parasitic. I don't think we have a symbiotic relationship. No, it's more like one of those ants which gets their head eaten by a fungus and becomes a kind of remote control zombie ant being controlled by fungus. That's the model, isn't

it? So Mike's the fungus? I think Mike's the fungus. Unfortunately, his brother-in-law has essentially, I think more and more, his brother-in-law, for example, now goes to Mike's house with a toolbox. Essentially the fungus, he's essentially a remote control. He's an automaton or a zombie brother, as a zombie brother-in-law. He's become fully a function of Mike's. Yes. Ineptitudes. Ineptitudes. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Pluralise it. Why not? Yeah. Pluralise it. The thing with Mike is Mike has, Mike often suffers from this, I feel, which is Mike, because of his face structure, and his check shirts, his just general vibe, he portrays, he, he, he, you give off DIY and urban lumberjack, right? Gives off urban lumberjack. He gives off capable pair of hands. Yeah. But the fact is you've got, you've got, you've got bread hands in a situation, haven't you? Yeah. You've got bread hands. They're completely useless. They look like hands, but they, but they can't, they can't hold a hammer. It's not a useful

way. Whereas I don't look like I'd be good at DIY, I don't sound like I'd be good at DIY, but actually I'm surprisingly shit at DIY despite all that. I'm a bit worse than you'd expect at DIY. Which is surprising to people. I'm trying to think if I've ever done any DIY in my life, apart from painting and decorating, I think the answer might be no. I think we're not that kind of point. You see again, if this was Joe Rogan, everyone involved, every guest he's ever had has built. Will have built a barn.

Will have built a shed that morning. Yeah, they've made their own sort of ham smoking cabin for the back garden. They'd own an axe. I don't own an axe, for example. I guess I've put together a lot of Ikea furniture. Does that count? Not really. I don't think so. I think it makes us feel like we're doing that. So one thing I have done in the world of DIY is put up some pictures. So my house is a new build house. So the walls are basically made out of sort of like cardboard boxes and stuff. And you're meant to put it into a stud because if you don't, it'll like

rip the wall off because it's made of nothing. I genuinely have no idea what you're talking about. I found in my, in my wife's toolbox, I didn't have a toolbox, my wife's toolbox that I found one of those little nails. I had one of those that goes through the ready-made picture-hangy thing for the string. Do you know what I mean? The little brackets. Mike, if you were to say the words, my wife's toolbox on the Joe Rogan podcast. He's got a flame flamethrower. You would literally consume my flames from a flame thrower that Joe Rogan had put together himself that morning. I tell you what, if it's instantly solvable in the moment, somehow I'll do it.

If it involves steps, I just, I just, I can't, I can't face it. So I've got, yeah, I've got that, that light needs changing. But I also can't face employing another human being to do it for me. Cause that's as much work almost, isn't it? Yeah. Now and again, your hand is forced though, right? If there's a crisis. I mean, in the cold snap, for example, we had a little bit of snow very briefly for

a day or two. I tried to frighten one of my daughters by throwing a snowball at her bedroom window from outside and it just went straight through the window. No! So you've got to deal with that. Because you've always told yourself, haven't you, that you're not going to get a glazier around, I'm going to glaze those windows, which is myself. I'm going to melt down these fragments of broken glass from my daughter's duvet. And was your daughter scared, Mike? duvet. And was your daughter scared, Mike? She was baffled really. She hadn't realised that I was... She had initially just thought

that some freak accident had happened or her window had imploded. Because literally, I mean, glass was covering her duvet. I thought you meant because the window was open or the window hadn't been, it went through the glass. I smashed the window. Yeah, I smashed the window with her. But Mike, you still do a Glasgow snowball, don't you? It's from your ball still days.

It's a pool cue. It's a pool cue covered in snow. Soaked in vodka for three weeks. Paced it over with pure cut cocaine, sesalite, and then thrown by a teenager that you've hired on the county lines. And that'll go through glass. That will go through glass. It's designed to go through glass. It's designed to go through anything.

Yeah. It'll get to go through glass. It's designed to go through anything. It'll get through a police van door. It was just a regulation snowball. Yeah, but I mean, I clearly over-packed. I must have overdid it. You overdid it. You don't know your own strength. You don't know your own compacting strength. No. I think Mike has a very high compacting strength, don't you?

Yeah, which should be put, I mean, could theoretically, could be put to good use, but it just isn't. Do you know what I mean? There must be compacting that can be done in DIY, right? Surely. I don't know what that would be, or somewhere in the world. Compacting the contents of a bin down to get a few more days' use out of the bin. I'm quite good at that. Mike, can I ask you to tell us about what you told the man who

came round to fix the window? Bloody gangs, isn't it? Local gangs. I don't know that I necessarily was great. I think I may well have implied snowballs were involved. Okay. I may have implied that it could have, it could have been the teenage boy next door. Yes. Yes. And he's gone. He's gone now, isn't he? To a facility. Yeah. Yeah. He's in Boston right now. He's learning all about Glasgow's snooker queues, Glasgow snowballs. I'll see him, right? I'll see him, right? This is the way it works, right? If you do Bird for me, I'll see you right on the way out yeah do the bird now in 10 to 15 years when you're out you'll see you right when you say see you right you

mean you mean he will make you one toasted sandwich with ham or cheese cheese. How much is not both? There's no seconds because it is a big clear up job. I don't think I covered myself in glory. No, boy you covered your daughter in shards of glass. And freezing cold air and snow. I did enjoy my temporary fix though. I did have a DIY moment there. Okay. That was quite fun. Cause I've never done that. I've never had to board up a window before. No, it's a nice feeling when you board up a window.

Oh, there's nothing like it. It hasn't been done. I did once trip over my daughter's drum kit when it was in our bedroom and landed in our window of our bedroom and smashed the entire bedroom window. How, why your your windows so weak? I think my wife boarded that one up. This one I boarded up though. Is your house like an episode of Bottom, just people smashing into things?

I think that sound effect you get in slapstick comedies with lots of pans clattering. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How much of that happens quite a lot. Our house makes that sound all the time. Yeah, you can barely take a step. I would, by the way, be interested in listener DIY disasters. Oh yeah. Oh, well, we have had a few people putting nails through their hands while listening

to the podcast. That's right. But that was a kind of stigmata thing happening. There was this weight of those going on. Yeah. It's because people just want to feel something. When they're deep into one of my anecdotes, there's a sense of like, I need to reconnect with myself as a human being.

I need to feel like I'm living on this earth. Yeah, and people have been known to use carjacks to crank their entire bodies in half, haven't they, during my anecdote about the birthday card? They just want to reacquaint themselves with the idea of cause and effect, because it doesn't seem to be playing out in this anecdote. I've been having a problem recently with a DIY problem. With a DIY problem. A tiny nut. Tiny nut?

A tiny nut. Well, you don't know where it goes, but it's, is it one of those like, this is definitely an integral and pivotal part of the thing. It's not that. Because you put together that battleship, didn't you? I sent you the plans for. That's right. Yes. But you were left holding a single nut.

Yeah. And what a sign that will be is the sailors as they ship out LeapFort, everyone else is saluting them or showing them their bums and their boobies and you're standing there on the pier holding a single nut. Holding a tiny nut. Which has cost me over four million pounds in future debt. I've loaded myself up with huge amounts of debt. I've actually taken on the debt of Panama. They didn't know about yet. But what was your problem? So basically, I have a kitchen scales. It's a classic. It's a 1950s style, nice

classic one. Okay. Oh, when you put on the little weights and then series of white. No, no, not that old fashioned. Oh, it's I'm going to get I'm going to classic 1950s electric digital classic four different units. So it's okay. Yeah, I'm with you. So single metallic bowl sat on top of a spring-loaded scale. It's a classic. Yeah, I'm with you. It has Ted Eye written on it, which is, I don't know.

It's a lovely looking bit of kit. It's quite nice, isn't it? It suggests baking know-how. It's retro 50s. It's everything you think of with me. Polka dot, retro 50s, hot. Daily baking. Daily baking. And sexy with it. Mopeds, Fiencing Brighton.

Oh, I'm bending over to pull out some mince pies out of the oven. Oh, little bit of little bit of knickers on show. Don't mind it though. That's what you think of when you think of me. And the vicar's looking through the window. He's come around for a sausage roll if you know what I mean. That's just a literally sausage encased in pastry while I toss him off. So this is my scales that I use to weigh things. So for example, sometimes I'll weigh nuts in here. Sometimes I'll weigh... Hang on, hang on, Can we not confuse the nut issue? Because we're...

Sorry. Do you mean nuts? I mean nuts because sometimes when I'm on a health kit... Do you mean metallic nuts? No, no. Sorry. No, this is kind of... We started with nuts. No, no. You're trying to have a wall mounted macadamia. Is that what you...

That's all I want. Okay, fine. If you have macadamia walls, you're never hungry because you just have to lick the walls. Let me get that, the sustenance. So basically this has a problem which is... Okay, fine. I want if you have macadamia walls, you're never hungry because you just have to lick the walls So basically this has a problem which is This the bit that goes says there's a metal dish which you put your nuts or flour or sugar whatever in and then this this bit This metal kind of cradle cradle the metal cradle attached by little screws. And on the other side, there's tiny nuts. Yeah. So each so one of the tiny nuts has gone missing. I think it may have fallen into the mechanism itself.

Or you've eaten it. It's possible I've eaten it. So so what that means is, I've been on a DIY mission to find a tiny nut. Yeah, recently. So luckily, I'm not I'm not I'm not gonna I'm doing I took the other tiny nut. Yeah, measured it up. Got it. Got it. So got its measurements went online. You can only buy these things in minimum amounts of like 200. I don't want 200 tiny nuts. I don't know what to do with them. I've been bitten by that kind of thing on before.

For example, I once bought medical square medical tissues to also gauze tissues kind of medical to put the back of my heel when I had a shoe that was chafing on the back of my heel. I didn't realise I was buying a literally had bought 200 packets of these things. Enough to set up a small field hospital. And you can't resell medical equipment. You can't not used gauze. No, not used gauze.

So I thought I don't want to buy 200 tiny gnats. It's also really hard to get the right size of this kind of thing when you're online because there's no scale to them. A tiny gnat and a nut that would go on the Titanic that's like the size of two Doldekka buses. They look exactly the same when photographed against a white background. There's literally nothing different about them. Do you know what I mean?

I mean, I imagine the price would be a bit of a giveaway. £40,000? That's more than the Terrain scales cost in the first place. But that's how they get you, they get you with the nuts. Because you buy the Terrain scales for £7.99 on Amazon and they give you nut replacements for £40,000 each. And you buy four tonnes of steel. It's like printer cartridges. It's the same bloody scam. And they'll only deliver it to Belfast, Liverpool or Southampton.

I have to click whether or not I live in a deep water port. What is this? And I have to hire 400 able seamen at the same time. I barely need one able seamen. I could do with one. We could all do with one. Especially if it wants a sausage roll. If you know what I mean. And just to reinforce that, that is sausage encased in pastry. I'm not tossing anyone off. This has been an online hunt, has it? Yeah, because you could go to a hardware store or something and ask.

You get your B&Q pick and mix? Yeah. Yeah, you get a kind of a sort of ersatz brother-in-law kind of character in B&Q to help you, don't you? So here's the thing. You just need to make eyes at the right person. Well, no, here's the thing, okay. I've got brothers-in-law, but I don't want to reach out to them for a tiny nut because the

symbolism is too, it's too raw. It just feels pathetic. Also, you don't have brothers-in-law, do you? No, I don't have brothers-in-law. I've only got brothers. You know what, I was thinking, I was picturing this person as my brother-in-law, but it's actually... Clive Myrie? The brother of my sister-in-law but it's actually Clive Myrie the brother of my sister-in-law's sister oh hang on the brother of your sister-in-law's sister so you could just say the brother of your sister-in-law but the brother of my the brother of my sister-in-law yeah is he not my brother-in-law no this doesn't feel like territory that the beans are able to clarify.

Interesting. No, I'm happy to say that he's not your brother-in-law. Also, I don't think his arms are that hairy, and I can't now picture him anyway. Exactly. I think it's irrelevant anyway. He might be worth the fun. I think you need to get yourself down to your local hardware store and either look out for a hairy armed man or a woman in paint spattered smockage and just, you know, do you know what I mean?

Someone who looks like they know what they're doing. Mike, Mike, I'm way ahead of you. Believe you me, we are in the foothills of this anecdote. Strap in. Get ready to drill through that hand. Also if you want to reduce screaming while drilling through your hand or leg, we recommend biting down on a copy of... On medical gauze.

If you'd like some. The latest addition to the B3B merch page. Would you like a free tiny nut with your medical gauze? So I went to, so I Googled it, there's a DIY store around the corner from me. And I went and I went and it was one of these DIY shops. Well, I suppose maybe it's all of them really, but just so during the day, there's trade in there. There's trade, there's burly men who work in the trade. And I don't

want to characterize them in a way that seems stereotypical. No, you wouldn't do that. I wouldn't do that. But they're big burly men. They read tabloids. They drive around in white vans and they love vinegar. They just love sugar. They work with vinegar. They drink vinegar. You know what I mean? You might leave film portrayal of a man with a trade. I've just been reminded of a sub strand anecdote. Can we drop into it really quickly? Because the moment will be gone. If I don't seize it now, the moment will be gone.

We know we can drop into it quickly. The question always is rescue, isn't it? So you might want to double the quantity of medical gauze you've got in your mouth right now. Time to put your foot over that nail people. So this is a quick sub anecdote which is I've just been reminded of this. I was working my flat with my friend Tom. We were working on something together writing something. And while that happened, a plumber came round to fix a toilet seat onto my toilet. Okay. And while he was there, I asked him, is there

anything you could do about the sort of cop the kind of I nearly realized until I what it what it is. But I was gonna say that the sort of dark copper coloured stain that happens in the toilet from the surface of the water down. I didn't do this. This was in the flat before I moved in. It's not DIY, that's cleaning. You don't even need a plumber to do a toilet seat, really.

No, I shouldn't have done. But I was struggling with it so much. Okay. So, and anyway, so you know the way that you quite often you'll make small talk with a plumber or a builder, pretending that you know more about the territory than you do in order to not seem like a bit of a flim flammy middle class urban prick. Yeah, he was saying, you might, we're talking about solutions to this copper coloured stain and he went, you might want to, he says something about vinegar, maybe vinegar would help and I, there was a pause, right?

I didn't notice this until, but Tom pointed out to me after it was suggestable. So did you know what I suggested was small feta cheese cubes, drizzled, smattering of pomegranate seeds, a smattering of pomegranate seeds and pine nuts toasted just so. And I toasted pine nuts in a low oven, 50 degrees, without the fan. Watch them like hawks. Watch them like a bloody hawk, mate. And then you wrap the whole thing up in... In Parma ham. In Parma ham. Leave it to soak in the toilet bowl 24 hours. So, so, um, but apparently, so I was basically bluffing trying to, trying to do some talk

because he said vinegar and I went, I said, what would that be like an industrial vinegar? And Tom pointed out to me, I didn't know what I meant by that. And I still don't to this day. An industrial vinegar. That'd be an industrial vinegar. Yeah. Um, so back into the mother anecdote, reverse, we're still on track. Um, so back into the mother anecdote, reverse, we're still on track. Um, so, um, I forgot what the main, uh,

come on guys started with nuts, nuts, tiny nut. So, so I went, I went, I went to the, um, I went to the DIY shop. There were people that were with trades, big burly men were standing waiting. You've given an offensive characterization. I was doing an offensive characterization of a noble and ancient trade. Falconry. Trying to get some fresh Falconry pliers. They do get through them. They do.

Yeah. Yeah. And those, those leather gloves, they get, um, they get a real pounding, don't they? Cause they're being covered in meat, meat drool from the Falcon mouths, Falcon mouths, aka beaks carry on. Yeah. By the way, if you find it, you're too busy to deal with with having an actual Falcon and the amount of work that goes with it, consider just getting a drone.

But don't try and feed it mine. I said, and I looked through the window and I thought, if I get into this queue, there's two barely made ahead, two barely men ahead of me. They're waiting. So it's the one is ones where there's a counter and you say to the, you say you go to the front, you say to the guy, well, I'm, uh, I'm trying to rip off a family in, um, in Barnet at the moment, but more so, um, sort of, um, sort of double crossing, uh, two families in Hendon playing, playing them against each other in the usual way, uh, pretending I'm buying tools from one so that my parking is essentially paid for by the first family while I'm getting tools for the second family. Um, and then I might just have a holiday for a bit. That's effectively paid for by the

third family because they can get tools for the second family. I might just have a holiday for a bit. That's effectively paid for by the third family because they can't get any tools for the second family. And essentially I'm just having trouble keeping up with the admin of the whole thing. So the guy at the front is going, yeah, I need this and the other. And then the person goes off and fetches it. It's screw fix, is it? It wasn't actually a screw fix, but it's the same vibe as a screw fix. Tool station? It might have been a tool station. Hammer Depot? Hammer Village. I think it was a hammer village. Yeah.

World of mallets. So I went in as I didn't go in because I realized if I go, if I go in and join that queue, the two belly men in front of you will get to the front by their produce leave. Then if two, if one or more burly men get in the queue behind me, they're going to have to listen to me go to the front of the queue and say, I just want one tiny, tiny nut, just the smallest nut you've ever, just such a small nut. And I just thought it's going to, it's just going to seem lame. Do you know what I mean? To send this guy off into his shelves looking for one tiny nut. I just felt too embarrassed about it. So I've left and I still basically my scales still skew with. I just, I just felt too embarrassed, but so I've left and I still basically my, my scales still skew with I've, I've, I've, I've realized it's like the modern world we live in

where within seconds I could buy a drone. Ben, you could buy a drone, isn't it within seconds? Yeah. I could book a holiday. Mike could fly a drone into one of the windows of his house. Yeah. All that stuff we could do just without getting up for our chairs, but I can't buy a tiny nut because online you have to buy 200 and in real life you have to go to a shop and ask for a tiny, tiny nut and someone goes off and looks for it.

It's just too embarrassing. I don't know. I mean, do you feel that or not? No, I don't. Is that me being self-conscious? I wouldn't be at all embarrassed to ask for a tiny nut. I just need a very, very small nut, please. Oh, Henry.

You worried about slowing down the economy? Is that what it is? Are you worried about delaying the potential, those trade people behind you? Or is it more the humiliation? I don't know what it is. I think it just seems really pathetic to need this tiniest, to go into this really burly atmosphere. But maybe if I just say something like, you know, I can have two barrels of industrial vinegar, probably maximum strength.

Why do I just chuck in a little nut? Why not? Maybe that's the way to do it. And maybe like punch some people on the way out. Maybe punch some people on the way out. Yeah. Might make you feel better about the whole thing. Well, have you ever bought a tiny nut? Are you selling a tiny nut? Are you selling a tiny nut? Are you selling a tiny nut? More to the point.

I went on the Screwfix website and there's a few websites for this kind of thing. So on Amazon it was like you're going to buy 200 of them, I'm not doing that. On things like Screwfix you can buy one tiny nut which costs literally like 18p or something. It's worth nothing. Nine pounds delivery. Oh God. It just feels wrong as well. The amount of admin and for someone to send this tiny nut in the post. It's just, I don't know how to solve it. Every so often you come across or one comes across a kind of old hardware shop where there's

like tin baths hanging from the ceiling and a little tiny old man. Independently run and he's wearing one of those sort of beige overcoats. He absolutely is wearing one of those beige overcoats. Of course, I love those. And they have sort of powders in there for killing rats that probably have been illegal for a hundred years. Oh, without a doubt, yeah. You need one of those.

They know exactly where it is. They've got a little ladder on wheels and they know exactly where to find that tiny nut. Yeah. And they'll charge you an amount of money that could be pre-decimal cash. It'll be a farthing. Yeah. And also won't make any sense how they're surviving.

You'll get a proper receipt on a piece of paper that's ripped off something that cannot be bought in any Ryman's. It's a little receipt which has the family crest at the top, Rumpkins and sons. Isn't it? Yeah. Um, and a picture of a rat puking their little logo. Rumpkins and sons.

And it'd be handwritten. Everything would be beautifully handwritten. But what you've got to be careful of, Henry, is that you can end up in one that looks like it's going to be Rumpkins and Sons, but it's actually a kind of shoreditchy, wankers kind of middle class kind of thing. And they'll sell you a broom for like 150 grand. So you've got to be careful. Yes. You need to find Rumpkin. Rumpkin himself.

I need to find Rumpkin himself. You need the old man. But there's less and less Rumpkins. It is quite sad. There are. It is sad.. There are. It is sad. And they'll do a receipt which rips something off. They'll rip something off.

There'll be a kind of daguerreotype. Whatever the hell that is. You know, they'll be like blotting paper. Yeah. A lot of grease everywhere. Yeah, I love it. Oh, it's a feast for the senses, the whole experience. Yeah.

And no queue. You don't have to worry about waiting in a queue or anyone else coming into the shop or does he cut keys as well? This guy, I've got to think he cuts keys. Does he? He'll do it. He'll do you a key. As long as it sticks of grace. He doesn't mind. Sweet, sweet, Rumpkin. Just fine Rumpkin. He's out there somewhere in a back street. You've never even noticed before. He's walked back street. You've walked past a thousand times. Yeah. I do need my rumpkin in this situation. He'll do white spirit when he'll do turps.

Yeah. He'll do industrial. Vinnie. He mixes his own turps every morning. He mixes his own turps. There is also in the shop for sale, a single bicycle. Oh yeah. Yeah. For sure.

Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, I'm interested in DIY stories, local rumpkins to you. Yes. Email in. Yes. Have you got rumpkins near you? Tell us about your rumpkin.

Or are you holding the rumpkin close? Is it a secret rumpkin? That's true. Are you a rumpkin? There's no way rumpkins listening to a podcast though. No. No way. No, if you are, then you're not a rumpkin.

No, if you, if a rumpkin, you'll go into the shop and they'll be somehow listening to radio, but it's from the forties. It's the home service. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So do let us know about your rumpkins.

Okay. Time to read your emails. Yes, please. Hmm. Okay, time to read your emails. Yes please. Hmm. When you send an email, you must give thanks to the postmasters that came before. Good morning, postmaster. Anything for me?

Just some old shit. When you send an email, this represents progress. Like a robot, shooing a horse. Give me your horse. My beautiful horse! 3 Bean Salad pod at gmail.com is our address. Now, we're starting off with what is described by Hugh from Minneapolis as a Candlemas preemptive reflectobolic for Ben. OK, nice. In the most recent episode of the podcast, Ben confidently claimed that Candlemas is

on the 1st of February. As I'm sure Ben is aware, in a normal year Candlemas takes place on the 2nd of February and indeed we did receive some bollockings of that type. Really? Is that big in Minneapolis? Sorry? Is that big in Minneapolis? Candlemas? Well, he says he's formerly of Northumberland. He described himself as Hugh from Minneapolis, formerly of Northumberland, spiritually of Bremen. Wonderful. What a life.

You never formally of Northumberland though are you? If you're from Northumberland it's deep in your blood. It's deep, deep in your blood. I mean, all we needed is to reel off some of the Northumberland towns to get a sense of how deeply, how deep you'd feel that heritage. Yeah. I've got a hexam. I was about to say hexam as well. Yeah.

I've got Hadrian's all the way, which isn't a town. Carlisle? No, wrong side. Oh, is it? Carl's West. Oh, where's Northumberland? I suppose it's more, it's your Alnwick's, it's your Breckpont Leeds, it's your North East.

It's your Blyth, it's your Ambals, it's your Rothbury, it's your Seahorse, it's your Willard, it's your Bamberg, it's your Royston, it's your Ronson. And Hexham, tell us it's Hexham, surely Hexham. Yeah, no, Hexham is in there. I'm good friends with him. I'm pretty sure it's not Bamberg. It's beautiful. It is Bamberg. It's your Royston. It's your Ronson. And Hexham. Tell us it's Hexham. Surely Hexham. Yeah, no, Hexham is in there. I'm good friends with him. I'm pretty sure it's not Bamberg. It's beautiful. It is Bamberg. B-A-M-B-U-R-G-H as I remember it.

Yeah, Bambera. It's not like Edinburgh. Oh, sorry. I used the medieval pronunciation. Or should I say the medieval pronunciation? Never back down. It's renowned for its stunning castle overlooking the North Sea. Shame. If you had to look over the NEC, it wouldn't be in the North, would it? I think Bamber Castle's lovely. Anyway, as I'm sure Ben's aware in a normal year, Candlemas takes

place on the 2nd of February. However, January, 2025 contains a fifth Wednesday, a date not recognised in the Bean calendar. Once you remove the fifth Wednesday, all of the dates have to move up. One leaving Candlemas as the 1st of February. It's a big Bean calendar shuffle. We do it at the beginning of every year. You go through your diary and you work it through and you work it out. So often, yeah, Canada's worship.

Lovely work. Thank you. Thank you. So thanks for preempting those bollocks and reflecting them for me. And if anyone wants one of the, go to the three bean salad shop, if you want the adapted three bean salad, um, phylofaxes that we've been working on. Yeah. It'll absolutely ruin your life. Family birthdays, you missed them. Big work meeting, you missed it.

I'll never make it to a wedding again with a three bean salad child. So every cloud. But you'll also miss doctor's appointments and crucial sort of meetings with lawyers about wills. Just anything and everything, you will miss it. Oh, you're convincing. I'll be up the scuppers. Completely up the scuppers. Yeah. Mike from Southampton emails. Oh, Mike from Southampton. In the Peter Pan episode,

you spoke about the origins of the name Wendy and how perhaps it was made up by Barry for the book. It reminded me of the Tiffany problem, where the name sounds too modern to be used in literature despite it being coined in the 12th century. And she's attached to the Wikipedia. And this is a thing, it's called the Tiffany problem or the Tiffany effect. Other examples are Shane, which is a name that's thought to be of modern origin,

but it's actually historical, dates to the 17th century. Beverly. There's a town called Beverly, isn't there? Is it named after the town or vice versa? Well, it says that Beverly originated from the term Beaver Meadow and has historical usage. Beverley's really raced up my list of names. It really has hasn't it? Yeah. I've been to Beverley, it's a very nice place. Seen any beavers in the meadow? Don't think I did. I think they've concreted them over.

Wade, which people think of as a modern name, which is actually rooted in early English and was very popular in the medieval period. It's true that if you went back in time, you found yourself in a medieval situation and you had to sort of get by and not be noticed while you work on your time machine to get back to the present. Yeah. Yeah. But using any medieval, so this can be like a sort of a hog powered time machine.

I don't know how it's going to work. It's just 20 hogs lashed together. 20 hogs lashed together. And then you just jump off a cliff and hope. But also you hold the clock and you turn the handle back in the wrong way, don't you, while jumping off a cliff? Yeah. Come on over to Mike, Ben, try and do a hot squealing hog.

I can't believe you thought you were going to, I'll do the hog noise and we'll move on. You're literally dealing with the Britain's premier hog actor. But Ben you might need to put in the reverse to illustrate the point now. Mike is Britain's premier hog impersonator, aren't you? Yeah, that's how I started in the business. And it's how you'll finish it. Could you infuse the hog sound, Mike, with hog, but traveling through time?

Yeah. Blimey. Terrific. Doesn't like it. Doesn't like it. That was great. And I was picturing his little twisty tail going in as he's getting younger. It straightens out briefly. And it straightens out.

And so you're getting sucked through a vortex and there's like a grandfather clock spinning through it and stuff, isn't there? He doesn't like it one bit. There's a calendar with all the days flying off. Who's ever bought that kind of calendar? That's a really inconvenient calendar to have. You peak off a day each day. Also to have all the days of the year, that calendar would have to be so long,

it would extrude into the room all the way across the room. It's going to block the door, isn't it? It's going to block the door at the beginning of the year. No one's coming in. You have to limbo under it. Exactly. What's the point please? The point is, was it Mike from Southampton? Yeah. The point is Mike from Southampton was just letting us know about the Tiffany problem and a very nice smattering of names of the role of the new thought they were. Yeah, so I was thinking if you found yourself back in time in medieval times.

Yeah, you wouldn't call yourself Beverly. You wouldn't call yourself Beverly. You wouldn't call yourself Shane. Shane I exclusively identify with neighbors characters in like the early 90s. Almost everyone was called Shane. There were loads of Shanes. What name would you go for then? Sir Robert of Nongingdon. Give yourself a high status position. German Prince.

German Prince. Brisket of the Tay. Oh nice. That's good. I'd probably go for Eleanor. Her beauty beguiles. And in medieval times you would have been a great, great beauty. You fit with the fashions of and do feminine beauty.

My big flat forehead. Your glistening skin, your shiny, shiny skin. The artists of the day would have been queuing up to render you in oils. Yes. They say that one of those miniature portraits of you, it's so beautiful that it can make a rabbit explode. That's what they say. Bring me more paintings of the Dauphin. Who would you be? Eleanor. Eleanor of Austria-Hungary. Eleanor of- Of Bohemia and Moravia. Your connections across the Holy Roman Empire are fucking insane. The amount of connections you've got.

You've beguiled in Constantinople. You've befuddled in the Iberian Peninsula. They say her earlobes are Pomeranian. Please meet my sisters, Beverly and Shane. But the other one that surprises people is actually the name Robotron 5000. He was actually a Moorish king. He was. Yeah, people forget that. Patreon.com. Thanks for everyone who signed up on our Patreon.

Thank you very much indeed. Thank you. And it's all change over at Patreon Towers. Indeed so. Change. Because only change is permanent, isn't it? Everything must change and evolve. You can't stand in the same river twice.

You can't. Two big changes really over at Patreon. One is at the Sean Bean tier, we are now going to offer video episodes of every episode. So starting in, well, almost straight away in February, anything we put out, we'll also put out a video version. A feast for the eyes. A feast for the eyes. But very much one of those £4.50 Chinese buffets in terms of quality of meat on the

show. And then the other big change is that we have our months off, as you probably know, so February for us is going to be a month off here on this feed. There'll be no more content across February, but over on Patreon, we're going to keep it going, baby. Oh yeah. That's the big change. So now on our months off, where there'll be no episodes here on this main feed, there will be a Patreon only bonus episode every week or unless there are five. Except for the fifth Wednesday. It's getting quite confusing now. We will continue to observe fifth Wednesday. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As a respect. Yeah. But the basic news is in our months off,

the fun keeps going on Patreon. And slightly different themed episodes, not quite like the normal episodes. Yeah. Things like film corners and Bon Jo's House of Pain, a dangerously delicious quiz and various others. Can we say we may be dipping into Nigel Hayward's autobiography? I think we can pull our chinos up a little and offer a little bit of that fleshy ankle. Why not? Yeah. Go and check it out. Patreon.com forward slash three bean salad. And if you sign up at the Sean Bean tier, not only do you get video episodes, you also get a shout out from Mike from the Sean Bean Lounge. You better believe it.

Where Mike was last night. I sure was. It was the blindfold karate tournament, wasn't it? It was. Thank you, Benjamin. And here's my report. It was the blindfold karate tournament last night at the Sean Bean Lounge, which began with Lisa P kicking Morgan Harwood and Es Folas Shell through Jim Baxter up Gordon Cootes into Ian Craddock via David Saunders and Adam Wassel, the noise of which prompted Andy Gault to adopt a defensive stance he called Half Moon Stance, but Ness, Ness, Nessa more accurately described as losing your balance and falling

down the Sean Bean spiral staircase. Claire and Andy Fluter, both brown belts but yellow blindfolds, challenged Noah Gault and Tom Knowles to a 2x2 but accidentally attacked Claire Pennequette and Steen McFall using Tom Putman and Jen Cotesworth as what they thought were nunchucks, propelling Jay the Man Mansell onto a small pile of bricks where he was karate chopped in half by Kim O'Neill. Blissfully unaware of this were J.C., Terry Breakfast, Raymond, Seb Davis, Aaron Cobb, Caroline Simmons and James Price, who were singing what they hoped were lyrics to Take On Me during a misguided blindfold karaoke competition.

Sean Bean would like to remind loungers to avoid skim reading the event's calendar. Evan Smith, James Coley, Torbjorn Jensen, Andrew Jordan, Johnny Rawlin and Arthur claimed to be concerned that the absence of a properly qualified dojo cho meant that appropriate observances to the esteemed martial art of karate were not being made, but Joe Bethel revealed that they were simply embarrassed as they had mistakenly mastered Wing Chun Kung Fu for the occasion. Back in the blindfold tournament proper, Keris Martin, Stephanie Moore, Natalie Sim, Cora Hardell, Anna Marie Seagate, Alison Parfit and Amy Springett used hivebrain acrobatics

to turn themselves into a single 18-foot shitkicker. This crushed Tim O'Hara and Lewis Ball into powder before walloping Nate Bradley and Nick aka Tuna flat and whisking Freddie Sweet, Barnaby Riley, Drew James, Julian Gerech and Ezra into peaks. The titanic Tatami Tough could have destroyed the entire lounge had not Georgia Wright and Al Salsas distracted it with shadow puppets, while Thomas Roche, Monica and Rachel repositioned Sean Bean's portable abyss behind it, whereupon Dana, Kate Linden, Natalie Gray and Carruthers

used the non-Carrati accredited move of a shove and that was that. In the red corner, Madeline and Jimmy C jumboclouted Tom Hopkins. In the blue corner, El's of Derby bacon sliced Kevin Barsen. In the Puce corner, Eleni of Calo Cotti thought she was round housing Matty but actually square danced Ella and Janelle forcing Ben Lieford, Elizabeth Elko, Loza B and Logan to provide musical accompaniment in the form of Who's Bed Have Your Boots Been Under by Shania Twain. Jodie Broad was the first to clock the special track and so won D Blindfolding privileges, giving her the opportunity to have the upper hand on every lounger present, but she chose instead to focus all of her attention on Duncan Harrison and karate'd him until he was a

perfect quarter-sized scale model of himself. Helena Roberts and the youngest living Peggy had both failed to note that blindfolds only had to be donned within the lounge and so at this time were still aimlessly kicking and punching their ways towards the event in the Sean Bean car park and on the number 53 bus respectively. The recipient of the Sean Bean blindfold karate trophy was Quince Charming, however, after wowing the judges by exclusively using Shotokan-style karate to knock up a note perfect vegan cheese souffle. Thanks all. Okay, it's time for us to finish this show with a after wowing the judges by exclusively using Shotokan-style karate to knock up a note-perfect vegan cheese souffle. Thanks all. Okay, it's time for us to finish this show with a version of our theme tune sent in by

one of you, and this has been sent in by Avin. Thanks Avin. Thank you Avin. Avin writes, Hello Beans, I've made a synthesiser ragtime version of your theme tune. Lovely. Finally we can automate Jules Holland. So Jules Holland can live forever now? It really is the end of history.

A little thing about theme tunes. Thank you for everyone who sends them in. They're all amazing and we're very appreciative. I would say though, you're more likely to get them played if they're a bit shorter. We're getting some quite long... It's hard to fit in, isn't it? We can't really fit in like a two to three minute epic, can we?

Ideally, it's about 20 to 30 seconds, is that right? Yeah, under 30 seconds, I'd say is ideal. So to bear that in mind if you're making a theme tune. And if you were thinking of sending in a longer one, just have a bloody look in the mirror and just think, when did this, what happened to make you like this? Because it isn't anyone else's fault. We have to live together as a community on this planet. Yeah.

So just reel it in. Get down to 30 seconds max. Thanks Henry. So that's the end of the show, end of the series. So we'll see you again in March, unless you're a Patreon, in which case we'll see you in February. Yes please. Right, let's finish off with this synth-ranked time, I can't wait. And see you again next time. Bye!

Thank you, bye. Thanks for watching!