Three Bean Salad - Eggs

Episode Date: June 5, 2024

A brand new series kicks the talon of lukewarm banter through the paper-thin shell of rules before squawking truth bombs from the beak of freedom and watching its unhatched siblings being gathered by the smallholder of something else and incorporated into a pretty decent ham and cheese omelette. That’s right, thanks to Katie of Hull, the first topic of the first of episode of series 13 is eggs.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladWith thanks to our editor Laura Grimshaw.Merch now available here: www.threebeansaladshop.comGet in touch: [e-mail] @beansaladpod

My voice has gone a bit reedy. It has, hasn't it? I don't know what's happened. Yes. Any major changes in diet? Is it still, is it still full sparrow? Sparrow based? Is it still seeds and... Oh, you see, I'm still doing my seed regime, absolutely. Seeds and... Oh, you see, I'm still doing my seed regime, seeds and fat balls.

My, my, I was going to say anal regularity, but that doesn't quite feel like it. Have we gone straight there despite promising listeners that we wouldn't go straight there? Come on, please. It's a new series, new start. Fresh. Remember we had a conversation, we said fresh start. Different orifice. Different orifice.

That's the mantra. At least get the orifice is moving. I'm sorry everyone. We're leaving that in fallow for this series. We did that special therapy where we showed you pictures of fecal matter and then slapped you. It wasn't sophisticated, was it? And it wasn't official anyway, was it? Or licensed? It really wasn't licensed. Wasn't based on any sort of evidence or research?

No. It's gut instinct, so to speak. I thought it was a trustworthy looking medical troop that had come to town. But they were Italian clowns. They were Italian. They were Italian clowns. Just some fast cash. You've got to diversify these days.

You've got to, especially as a modern clown, because we were trying to disassociate you, weren't we? But all you've done is created a heavy layer of shame around that particular daily, natural process. Yeah, which you now can't do without experiencing searing pain somewhere in your body. Well, that's right. I need to have an Italian clown dressed as a doctor slap me, or I can't go. And actually the only way to combat that awful sense of shame you have is for us, we had to then do fecal glorification therapy, didn't we? Luckily the same troop of clowns were happy to do it. The same troop of clowns.

We would show you a picture of a fecal matter and then you'd get to slap a clown. We reversed it. It's really restricted the number of airlines you can use for long haul, hasn't it? It really has. It's only Qantas weirdly that are okay with it, don't they? You don't have to pay extra for the troop. That's the only thing. There are standards. Yeah. Also, as talking about this kind of syndrome that I have can create a sort of social contagion where people just hearing about this will now start to internalise either the shame or the glory of passing feces and will themselves have to have a troop of clowns to help them.

That's right. So one of the positive, I think it's mainly been negative, but a positive offshoot of this is it has actually revived the Italian clown industry to levels it hasn't seen since the Renaissance, hasn't it? Oh, those guys are making hay. Those guys are making hay. Whichever way, whichever way you plump it or lump it. Every fecal need is sort of tended to now, isn't it? By an Italian clown troop, even if you're just quite neutral about it. There's no harm having a Italian clown troop there. Do you know what I mean?

Just in the sense of just hoping you won't have to use it like a fire blanket, whatever, just have them there. And a lot of people now Do they're actually what's contained in a lot of to live a roux baskets? Yes That's right. Yours Henry is Pavarotti's cousin, isn't it? Yes. Yeah Navarotti And my Scott's Davarotti is that right? I've got Davarotti who's a bit cheaper.

Not as good, but you know, you've got to look after the pennies. But he's also, because he's related to both Pavarotti and Davaros, isn't he? Head of the Daleks. So he's got a very rich cultural heritage, hasn't he? It does mean he needs to be charged once every two hundred days. And a very robust lower half, in either case. Which is actually great for your diaphragm for singing, but his singing voice can project, but it is that...

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, nasandama, nasandama! But you seem to be okay with that. When Pavarotti dies and they tried to replace him in the three tenors with didn't work. It didn't write it. It was worth a punt. I saw something a bit grotesque the other day. It was walking. I was walking along and there was a caterpillar suspended in the air off a sort of long thin sort of slime string. There's a lot going on about the moment. Yeah. Yeah. So the season for it was it the season for it? But will it be the season for it when this podcast actually goes out?

No. No, not at all. Far from it. So that might create quite a lot of seasonal confusion amongst the listeners. Yeah, because we're recording this in spring, but it'll be going out in the first week of summer. It will. I will have been to France in the meantime. I wonder how it went slash will go slash is going about the sort of standard baguette holiday. Yeah, just standard baguette holiday. It's a holiday where you spend just hours and hours eating breakfasts that just never end for some reason you feel permitted to. So you're eating an entire baguette each croissants jam and stuff in the mornings. You're then eating nothing but steak dinners. The steak the steak steaks are getting rarer and rarer through the day. Steak's getting

rarer and rarer. Yeah. The freets are getting fattier and fattier. Yeah, you'd need a bloody Italian clown troop with access to an industrial drill to shift that by the end of the day. Well you'd have to get run in with a sort of pointy plague doctor style mask pecking away at your ear end. In our lispy gotty. That's the one. He's very, very good at that. Classic archetype.

Classic. But Ben, you will have been on holidays. How do you think your holiday will have gone? Well, I don't know where I'm going. I know I've got a couple of weeks to play with and I haven't decided where to go yet. Interesting. Because you've already seen all of the Eastern European nations. Of course. Where should I go guys? You should choose from... There must be something you can tick off. It's not a good time to go to Kaliningrad, is it? No, that's true. What's Kaliningrad? The little Russian enclave off

the Baltic. Oh yeah, don't go there. You've done a lot of Eastern Europe. I think it's time for Western Europe, I think, for you, Ben. It's time for you to conquer Western Europe. Do you know what I'm thinking? What are you thinking? Start in Vienna. Yeah. Of course. Like any true Habsburg descendant would. Yeah, exactly. You've got to pick up some of your bullion, haven't you? Yeah. From the vault.

The family bullion. And then south. South to Italy. Rampage south? Rampage through the Alps. Are you going to rampage south? Are you going to create a series of strategic alliances? How are you going to do it? Well, two sides of the same coin, Henry. They are, aren't they? It's true. You make the alliance and then you rampage. But you'll be, you'll be, I presume you be presuming it'll be a series of Ben making and breaking alliances. There'll be some looting, there'll be a lot of strategic engagements when they're to air-asses.

Marriages followed by summary executions. That's right. Yeah. The Alps are going to be absolutely littered with bastards, aren't they? Newborn bastards. Oh God, there'll be so many bonjest bonjata, bonjastards. There'll be people with bonjo eye when they're for generations. The Fitz bonjos of the Alps. Is it true? Are the rumours true that our king is a bonjasted? He does have the bonjai, but I always thought that was because he was punched in the face as a child for being such a bondge-astered. Oh yes, he truly is one.

Yeah, there'll be a lot of that. Presumably you'll be quite looting a lot of local archaeological treasures. Yes, of course. For the Bondge Museum. Oh, that's always good. Pop it in the bank for later. It's leveraged for later, isn't it, really? And also you'll be performing incredible military feats that no one's ever done like building a

pontoon into the middle of a lake and conquering the lake itself. That's like things that's changed military strategic thinking for the generations. And our pontoon will remain and then be made into one of the most beautiful kind of fairy tale style castles you've ever seen. That's right. Visited for centuries. Yeah.

Except every single room has a false floor. So it's a complete death trap. It's actually luring you in like a beautiful orchid that sort of lures in a bee. And then has a trap door. Covers you in bongeo pollen. You fall through a hole. You come out, emerge covered in bongeo pollen. And you're eaten by the bongeo queen. And then you're eaten by the bongeo queen. Sounds like it's going to be quite good. So you're thinking Piedmont, you're thinking...

I'm thinking the great northern houses of Italy. Great northern houses of Italy. So Northern Alps is what you're interested in. Tirol. The Tirol. Lovely. Quite complex local clothing and customs and stuff. Will you be dressing in the...

Oh, the garb is going to change from valley to valley, isn't it? It will. Yeah, you have to have the correct feather in your cap, otherwise it will be run through, basically. It'll be a crossbow bolt through you on sight, wouldn't it? There's always at least one item of clothing that's wooden in each of those valleys. It could be the shoes, could be the trousers, teeth, gloves, you don't have anything at all.

Easy to get caught out if you're an interloper. And of course, we're doing this whole thing with a full retinue of 500 hunting dogs, right Neil? Who are armed to the teeth. It sounds like it's going to be superb. And travelling on elephant back. That's right, and that's just the back of the elephant, isn't it? Yeah, which we've gaffer taped at the top of a Volvo estate.

And by the way, before people complain that it's cruel, the top of the actual Volvo estate has been attached to the original elephant, hasn't it? So it's actually just a like for like back swap. Yeah, it's got a sunroof man. It did want a sunroof and a roof rack, didn't it? So it can now transport things like skis and canoes and bicycles much more easily than it could before. It's going to be brilliant.

Yeah, so I'm thinking I might do sort of Vienna to maybe the bottom of Italy do a sort of you know, to the traverse. All the way down the boot. Yeah. Because I want to go to Pompeii. That's my big thing I want to do. Fantastic. I went, I think I've talked about it before on the part, I went to Pompeii.

It was blimmin hot. I'll tell you that. Although not as hot as it was during the volcano, but it wasn't much in it, frankly. That's great postcard stuff. It's really good postcard stuff. I think there must be millions of postcards that have been written from Pompeii with that. They all took some out to have that joke written on them already, didn't they? You just sign it at the bottom.

Have you ever been to Pompeii, Mike? I have, yeah, as a kid. I went to Herculaneum not long ago. Yeah, that's the one that the cool people go to, I think, isn't it? Is that like the hipster Pompeii? That's the hipster Pompeii. Yeah. So why is it the Pompeii's more famous? I don't know. I think it might have something to do with a certain volcano that went off, mate. Same volcano, you dickhead.

That'll be yours, you shithead. And it's happened. The truth has finally outed. I think Mike's a shitter, he thinks I'm a dickhead. We both think Mike's a wanker, he thinks I'm an arse and Mike's a tit. That's the actual relationship. That's the secret sauce. No, um, oh was it the same old man that you took it at. Okay, I forgot. Maybe it's because of the TV series that Pompeii. Maybe was one was Pompeii unearthed earlier or known about a more complete visitable site earlier or something like that. It's a bigger site, I think. So it could take more people and all that kind of biz. How can any of you get a

more, you get an easier sense of a sort of complete town, like buildings that have been less destroyed and streets, you can sort of visualize it a bit more easily, whereas Pompeii is a bit more sort of mashed up. But I think Pompeii's got the, like we'll have the sort of petrified couples and the last embrace, it's got some, Pompeii's got some real kind of proper must see items. One thing which will help then is if you're somebody who is prepared to be and up for being impressed by sort of what they call frescoes. Are they called frescoes? Yeah. Frescoes are, yeah.

Is a fresco on the ceiling? Which is the one that they have in Roman homes. It's made of lots of- I think frescoes are being the sort of ones on the top of the sides of the wall. Oh, not a fresco. Do I mean a... No, not a fresco. A frieze. What's it called? Maybe that's a frieze. A frieze. Oh no. Ignorance. What are the ones that are made of lots of little...

A mosaic floor. Mosaic. Sorry, mate. Mosaic. Are you prepared to be impressed by mosaics? I will, especially if, you know, it turns out they're mainly Dick and Balls, which I think is what happens, right? In those places. That's the other thing is do you like phallus, like heavy, heavy sort of phallus caricatures, just phallus humor? Does it put a big smile on your face if you see like a sculpture of an old of like an

old monk and he's got a giant palace. You're laughing. I've never seen you look so happy. You're going to love it. You're gonna absolutely love it. There's quite a lot of that knocking about isn't there? And again, a lot of mosaics. It's a lot of walking around going, God blimey, this is amazing. It's almost as almost as impressive as any modern flat. But not quite as. Because it's not as good. Yeah, wow. But it was ages ago. Wow. Considering how long like obviously if this was built now you go this is pathetic. Because it's

built ages ago. Yes. Yes. Ages ago. Yes. This is yes. Henry, you live in a modern flat. Correct. And you don't have an exquisite mosaic floor, do you? No. And also, if I'm going to be fully honest with you, my toilet seat doesn't stay on. It literally doesn't stay on. Let's turn on the B machine. Yes please. This week's topic kicking off this series was sent in by Katie from Hull. Thank you, Katie.

Thanks, Katie. And the topic is eggs. Eggs, you say? Eggs, eh? Eggs. Hmm. That's a huge topic. That's a good topic for us, isn't it?

Because, Henry, you've laid over 10,000 eggs already this morning. I have, yeah. Yeah. It's part of a new diet plan where I swallow a live chicken once a month. Uh, the chicken lives within me. I'm not eating the chicken. You're incubating it. I'm incubating it.

I'm, I'm housing it in a way. And then the chicken kind of goes into overdrive, doesn't it? It starts panicking. So I've internalized the chicken. And it's really interesting. New new way of thinking about nutrition, which is think about it from the inside out rather than the other way around. What breed of chicken are we talking? It's a Dutch hen. It's a Dutch hen. It's basically it's a win win because the chicken gets a fox, a fully fox secured, um, eventually quite dark grotto, wet grotto.

And I get, um, 10,000 fresh eggs clogging up my bed every morning. 10,000 is a lot of one chicken isn't it? It really is yeah. Well that's the Dutch hen breed isn't it? That's why you don't see a lot of them. You put a Dutch hen in a wet grotto you get 10,000 eggs. The eggs are very sort of light and pale and sort of translucent, aren't they? That's right. An oily finish. That's right. And you can see the little,

the little chicken feet is in there, which does have my face. Some people don't like that. And they must be killed. They must never germinate. They must never germinate. Not the germinate is the right word, but you know what I mean. Fetus synthesise. Yeah. They must not be allowed to photosynthesize, germinate, promulgate or reproduce through fission, fusion. Because the idea of a near flightless Henry Packer prodigy being born. Too powerful. Yeah, it's too powerful.

So the way what you do is you, which is what I do with most things I eat anyway, is you swamp them in hollandaise. And if you completely swamp them in hollandaise the henry fetuses can't survive under that much hollandaise and also you don't have to look at them so essentially. Is that an ethical way to dispatch an animal to drown it in hollandaise? They still haven't legislated against it it's not it's okay on the letter of the law isn't it but I think it's a little bit dodgy isn't it? Weirdly it goes down as an avalanche death doesn't it? But I mean, it's a little bit dodgy. It's weirdly goes down as an avalanche death, doesn't it? And you can't sue tectonics yet. It's force majeure, isn't it? It's force majeure.

It's a tasty avalanche. There ain't no rescue squad. Afraid not. So you know, yeah, you drown them in Hondas and then you sort of swallow it down as a sort of crunchy, crunchy eggs Benedict, isn't it? And then of course you retire the Dutch hen, don't you, after about a month? Well, it gets full witness protection. It's surgically extracted. It's then given a false or a real moustache that is equally effective with a Dutch hen. It gets a job in retail.

It gets a job in the retail space, yes. That could be anything from running a Ryman's down to... Yeah, just a stockist at Claire's accessories. It don't run anything in between. Any of those roles. If you go to a Claire's accessories or a JD Sports, anything you ask for a gift card, what happens is they'll go in a little room in the back. If you crane your neck and look round.

As a moustache-shaped chicken. Very tired looking moustache-shaped chicken. Very tired looking moustache-shaped chicken who is pecking the machine that's producing those gift cards. And you can see from its body language that it's weighed down by the concerns of a custody battle for, you know, upwards of 500,000 Henry faced Dutch chicken fetuses in Holland. Constantly looking over his shoulder.

If a chicken has shoulders, whether or not it has shoulders in the first place to look over. It's just got side neck, Mike. It's just looking over side neck. Yeah, the chicken version of looking over your shoulder is looking past your breast. That's why owls can spin their heads so far around. It's because they didn't know when to stop because they didn't have a shoulder. They keep going. They try and look around the shoulder and just keep going. They haven't got one. Yeah, to stop an owl getting the kind of arthritis they do end up getting, you put on the false shoulders, don't you? Because then they know when to start.

That's right. You give them epaulettes. Yeah. That's right. That's why if you ever do go to an owl nightclub, first thing to say is the music is not good, is it? It's not. First thing to say is the music is not good, is it? It's not. It has a series of screeches, some of which you can't even hear in your range of hearing.

You don't want to understand the lyrics because it's nasty stuff. It's basically just lots and lots of descriptions of different ways to disembowel a mouse, isn't it? Yeah. But with a techno beat. It's horrible. It's horrific. I find eggs a bit gross, like not the actual chicken eggs that we eat, those are fine.

But when you sort of think about nature and animals like laying a billion eggs in a kind of gloopy, weird ectoplasm. Are you crab shaming? I'm crab shaming. There's nothing wrong, it's a totally legitimate way to reproduce from the crab's point of view. The female crab spews out over 60 billion larvae. 75% of which are consumed immediately by sea cucumbers. By sea cucumbers. The male crab rides in on a sea cucumber, using that as his cover.

Yeah. He gets into the area. He pokes himself in the eye to make himself vomit. In the confusion, the beauty of life is born. Yeah, there's a fight to the death with another male crab. The loser's carapace is ripped open and spews forth the crab spores. It kind of feels like in nature, like eggs are 80% there for other animals to eat. And then there's like a lucky 20% which might make it to childhood. But it's a numbers game, isn't it? It's like it's like, isn't it? Yeah, with with your baby turtles and stuff, isn't it? It's

a numbers game. It's such a cruel way of doing it. You've just got to get the stats on your head. It's like politics. Learn to count. And you can be a successful sea cucumber slash um, you know, arachnid slash politician. You made yourself tired before you managed to get to the satire. I made myself tired. You know, you remember frog spawn, are they eggs? I think they're spawn, aren't they?

Are they spawn, aren't they? Oh, hang on, are they eggs or spawn? They count as eggs. What's a spawn, then? I don't know. Were you wondering, would you technically classify them as an egg? I didn't know that you would. There's bound to be a listener who knows the answer to this. Shall I do one of my little explainers just to get people up to speed on what eggs are?

So they are an oat voidid or egg shaped egg. Egg. Egg. Aren't they? I mean, they're, yeah, so they're an egg shaped egg. They are a form of, child rearing essentially when it's there, they're reproductive, um, sort of accessory favored by non mammals. So arthropods, mega pods, mini pods, bird, bird repods, bird repods,

frog repods, Lizzra, Lizzra pods. Yeah. Different pods whereby the young is externally sort of developed. Isn't it? So you don't have to worry about whether or not you're still going to fit into your chinos. Exactly. Just tasting.

Yeah. That's why, have you ever seen a chicken wearing tight chinos? No, but you completely removes that problem, doesn't it? So you can essentially lay, you can lay your offspring and get on with your life. So pretty much all animals have developed this is except mammals. So what the different animal types? Decapods? Pandas. There's Decapods, dodecahedropods.

They're the ones with 12 spines, are they? The 12 spined ones. Yeah, horses and horse-like animals. It's, well, they're hoofed. Hoofer pods. There's hoofer pods. Yeah. And those are divided into noble and ignoble.

Yeah. Basically they're all ignoble except for horses. Animals that are fish or should be fish. Yeah. So that includes fish. Yeah. So that includes fish. Yeah. Catfish. Sharks.

Wails. Yeah. Definitely. Yeah. It does include whales, doesn't it? We believe that as a podcast. That whales are fish and tomatoes are veg. If it looks like a duck and squeaks like a mouse, what have you got?

You've got an owl's worst nightmare. It's a mouse that can fly. So that's the other category, isn't it? Aberrations? Yes, so we've got aberrations. So they include, well, your horse crabs, your French donkeys. Have you seen a French donkey? Your spiny cats. Your spiny cats, your frog-faced lizard poodle, and members of the current Conservative government

cabinet. Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, please pray silence for a moment of satire. institutions to account. Mark Twain. Speaking truth to power. Chaucer. A core part of any healthy democracy. Chumber Wumber. Can our jokes actually change government policy? Of course they can. Quiet, please respect this important mode of humour. So maybe you've got vertebrates, you've got invertebrates. You've got your razor footed, your talons, your claws. Yes, you've got your razor footed clam, your razor footed monkey, your razor footed tentacle.

Anything that walks on something that could rip you a new one, that's a category. That's right. Like a cassowary. Cassowary. Cassowary is just as much as a snow leopard. Same category. And also you've got things without a backbone or as I call the members of the current conservable.

Yeah. And then you've got your clinging animals. So that's your barnacles. Your koalas. Some poorly socialised dogs. Yeah. And toddlers, human toddlers. You've got your ones that look like they're flying, but it's actually just a really long jump.

OK, yeah. So that's your owl squirrels, your turkey lizards. Your throne chihuahuas. Your throne chihuahuas. Your throne chihuahuas. And horses in adverts. Well, and also there's animals that can fly, animals that won't fly. Partridge. Exactly.

Because they're blimmin' stubborn. Stubborn. That's why they've got stubborn and stubborn. It's the stubborns. Those are the stubborns. Those are the stubborns. And you've also got animals that make you feel like you can fly. Okay. My beautiful horse.

Yeah. Beautiful, beautiful horse. We can both fly, fly off this cliff together and conquer the skies. That's basically anything that's got kind of equine, bovine slash marmoset eyes, basically deep black. Those big eyes. large deep blacks or Henry Packer colored eyes. That's right.

Yeah. So eyes that look like you're looking at a kind of volcanic stone that will make the sharpest blade nine kingdoms. But it is protected by a hideous army of Henry Packer-faced chicken beasts. They're squawking alone, can make a grown man vomit. But you must drown them in hollandaise. Bring forth the hollandaise cannon. Oh shit. Bit fatty isn't it?

Yes, it's quite a rich fatty mission I'm afraid. Drop the capers! Here comes the Air Force bringing forth a little bit of dill to put on top. Drop it now drop a little bit of dill! What do you think of the fact that eggs as a food product are very much sort of like measured in Imperial, aren't they? It's dozen half dozen. You can't buy 10 eggs. Well, that's what they want us to do and put them in Europe, but you can't, can you? You can't buy 10 eggs. Dis's a good point can you buy 10 eggs abroad what

do they do how do they sell their eggs in America America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... America... Mama's Apple Pie Dandy Animal in New York City. Hope, just give up now. You'll never be an actor, mister... Clemens. Burgers. I reckon in America you buy a 250 pound pre-scrambled egg cube, please. It's just a big wobbly square. Yes, it's supposed to be pink. How big do you want your pink egg cube today, mom? Sunny side down.

Sunny side in. In America, they do have all those ways of cooking eggs, right? Whereas in Britain, nobody asks you how you want your egg. That's true. Over easy, under easy, easy peasy. Yeah, that's true. By the way, have you, we may have discussed this before, haven't we? Did you realise that a couple of episodes ago, I think for the first time, we'd literally

did a conversation we'd already done before. We reached that. Yeah, I feel like we did, didn't we? It was talking about Henry's magic colleagues in Hamley. I knew at the time that we had discussed that, but you'd, what, the French drop? Yes. But we thought we hadn't done the French drop element of it, but we had. It turns out we had. Did we get complaints?

A couple of people pointed out, someone was really annoyed in that way people on the internet get annoyed when they've got no right to be. Yeah so we've reached that point I think all podcasts much much must reach that point yeah so downward slide from here on in. It feels like it doesn't it? Potentially quite a steep one. It's a sharp cut off when it comes. It's photiginous mate. We'll literally be screaming for the last part. Now time for emails. Especially if the listeners start sending in the same emails as well. Screams in email form. And then the next episode will be us going and the people email and going hang on he did a whole episode of screaming last week. Now we're from our

sponsors. Conquering the egg as a cook is a sort of lifelong journey I find I just find it gets I get slightly better every time. But I sure yes, I'll tell you how I so what I do is telling us how to fry an egg when it but that's the thing Ben and people say that as if it's really easy but there's different ways of doing it. Okay, so I use a mixture of butter and olive oil, butter and oil, and I have to be able to smell the you freities. And basically, you've got two choices with a Friday, which is you go very, very hot, really get crispy around the edge. Or you go very slow. So not not

not too hot at all. And you cook it very slowly. And then you get a Friday, which sometimes people describe as being a bit like sort of clean bed sheets, which I think is a bit weird. It's like soft sheets, kind of like getting into bed kind of egg. It doesn't sound that clean, does it? It doesn't sound clean. These bed sheets are like a slow cooked fried egg. No one's ever said that. Everyone loves that fresh, clean, fried eggy bed feeling. Do you want to give you fried eggs? And do you have a technique?

It's about speed for me. I think. Of course. For me, I crank the heat up. And that's in the house, isn't it? You're talking about in the house. Central heating's on. It's ambient cooking. Yeah. Swimming trunks on. Get the heat up. Yeah, you're cooking eggs, baby. Let's enjoy this.

It's bikini weather. Yeah, the eggs are frying. It's summertime, baby. Isn't it? If I can't feel the hot fat ricocheting onto my bare stomach, then I'm not doing it properly. And it ain't egg season, baby. I controversially don't really like a yolk that's too runny. So I don't mind it if the yolk has gone slightly kind of jammy, you know what I mean, like slightly cooked. Ooh, jammy. I like that.

That's nice. Yeah. So I'll sometimes turn over an egg. What's that called in America? That's over easy, isn't it? Over easy. Yeah. Mike, do you, do you, do you fry an egg?

I very rarely fry an egg. If I egg it up, which isn't very often, I'll I might I'll often omelette myself. Oh, I like omelet. Yeah. Yeah. If I'm going to bother anyway. That's another one where I can't wait. I think we probably have discussed this before. But that's another one where it's you know, we literally have discussed before. So should I not?

Hmm. Oh, no. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah The horse can't fly. I'm plummeting down a cliff. What was it premium level stuff about omelette? Well, it was just about how the omelette is seen as a simple thing as a basic, but actually a great chef. You know, if you have a chef, if you and a chef would have a chef omelette, no, stop. So, so you almost did you put stuff in your omelette, Mike? Yeah, big time. Whatever's going.

Keys, post-its, just whatever's lying around the kitchen. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Vibes, whatever. You're normally just whatever sort of rotting and nearly dead in the fridge really will get chopped off a bit and chucked in. So this, I don't mean to be offensive to Mike. Mike gives off a slightly old fashioned and wholesome edge, I would say. Do you understand what I mean by that Henry?

Yeah, it's a very, very carefully constructed veneer. A wholesome and old-fashioned vibe. Yeah, he does, yeah. He's like Genghis Khan. Or I suppose like a Spitfire or something. Yeah, but pelted by a Nazi. That's the truth, isn't it? As it turns out. It's been re-commanded by the love of Arthur. I think all I was going to say was I thought Mike was going to say that he's into the boil

deck, which fits for me with Mike. Do you know what I mean by that? Well, with the very sort of precise timing, sort of Poirot level precision timing. Yeah. Just to say, and I'll send it back if it's not the right level of running this, that kind of thing. Half inch wide soldiers for dipping. Exactly.

Yeah. Salted butter. It's angles, protractors, check the watch. Tick tock, tick tock, in goes the egg. Check the watch. Tick tock, tick tock, slice the soldier tick tock, all in a row, nice and controlled, tick tock tick tock, serried ranks serried ranks, charge charge charge charge!

Dippity dippity dippity tock, dip it o'clock, dip dip dip dippity dippity dippity tock. Yeah, and that's the first hour of every day in this household. Everyone knows to remain completely silenced during that time. And for you Mike, all of the Toast soldiers have a rank don't they? They're not just soldiers. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. There's, there's NCOs, there's, there's, yeah, there's sort of staff rank. I mean, it's, it's the whole, yeah, the whole kit and caboodle. There's your officer class soldiers and they're nowhere near, they're nowhere near the egg. They're in the, they're in the next room.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. They're being prepared for a Holland days bath. They're nowhere near they're nowhere near the egg they're in the next room. Yeah exactly. They're being prepared for a whole other day's bath. They're not going to get anywhere near the rough end. It's all done by drone these days isn't it? Yeah of course the real egg dipping is actually up here isn't it? It's actually the propaganda is that what are people saying about eggs? Can you control the egg narrative? Well, I'm, I, I, I like a ball. That was, was, was soldiers. Yeah. Yeah.

I haven't done it for a while, but I have big phases of doing it. Basically in all egg preparation, the enemy actually much like in life itself, the enemy is slime and that's true. So many things, isn't it? Mike, if you're on a day out with the family. Yeah. That's all I always say. The enemy is slime. What do we always say girls?

The enemy is slime. If you were with your family and you were noticing slime, it's not going well, right? That's not a good, that's not a successful day out. Well, it depends. I mean, maybe you're going to sort of slime con 2025 or something. If you're going to slime con, you're going to see the great, the great frog

spawnings, whatever happened live. Yeah. But then maybe not. But yes, you're right. An unexpected slime, a sentient slime. Sentient slime is always bad. Yeah. If Pam has eaten some slime, that's probably quite bad for you.

That's how it's generally speaking a rap on the day. It's plan B. It's back home, pizza and death in paradise. Everyone to bed. Mike, if one day one of your daughters were to say to you, you know, I'm getting married to meet my husband-to-be, it's a sentient, it's a form of sentient slime. But he's not what you think. I knew you'd judge him. I knew you'd judge him. Is he a green healthy slime? Is he a fungal slime? Is he a cave slime? Has he got prospects? What's his family situation? Has he got a degree? Has he served at a harvester? Well, of course it was described as gravy, but it was effectively slime, wasn't it? In that role. So with an egg, yeah, because sometimes if you undercook an egg and there's a bit left

that hasn't really cooked, you can really ruin your breakfast. Well, there's no turning back as well, is there, with a, I mean, a ball egg, you know. Well, you try. There's that surprise, you know? Will you try? Is that a surprise? You know? Like, like alchemists who for centuries tried to find the key to eternal youth. To turn an egg into gold. Can we turn an egg back into gold? Can you extract the chicken from the egg?

If we could turn eggs. That's why we've got so many methods of cooking an egg, because of the so many different things we've tried with eggs to turn them into gold. Because Mike, think about it. If you could turn a chicken... No, if you could... Okay. Feathered gold. I'm talking about... Unlimited chickens. Unlimited chickens. The feathered gold. If we could conquer that. If we could turn eggs back into chickens, should we think about chickens we would have?

Just with a bit of butter and some olive oil. If we could do this. Every chicken produces over 10,000 eggs in a lifetime, right? So if we could turn those 10,000 eggs, each of those into a chicken, do the maths. You do the maths. No, I don't want to do the maths. I'm an archivist. That's why people say do the maths, because they don't want to do the maths. They don't want to do the maths. Otherwise the phrase would be, I've just done the math. Time to read your emails.

Yes please. When you send an email, you must give thanks to the postmasters that came before. Good morning, postmaster! Anything for me? Just some old shit. When you send an email, this represents progress. This from James. Hello James. Hi James. Hello Beans. Following your recent chat about the interpretation of what happens to the horse in the email jingle I thought you'd like to know the following thoughts.

The debating question prompted Henry to say, this is like a conversation at a university campus. Well, it may surprise you to know that this discussion has already happened between myself and a group of other postgraduate beanheads on the humanities site of the University of Cambridge. Good heavens. Wow. Big hitters. Big hitters indeed. Big hitters.

After much deliberation, we came to the conclusion that without any contextual information, it does indeed sound like horse murder. Oh dear. Yours James. that without any contextual information, it does indeed sound like horse murder. Oh dear. Yours, James. And then he writes a PS. A PS bollocking. Blimey. Blimey. That's quite a power move, isn't it? Yeah. It's like a sort of, oh yeah, and just quietly, here, I've stabbed you in the ribs.

And it's a mic. Well, we were looking the other way. He stabbed Mike. Oh yeah, and just quietly, here I've stabbed you in the ribs. And it's a mic. While we were looking the other way, he stabbed Mike. Mike down, Mike down. Mike's lying dead. It's always too late. Now, we actually had a lot of bonkings about this, Mike. A lot.

Okay. Which I think sort of shows the maybe pedantic nature of our listenership more than anything else. Okay. Okay. Henry starts talking about swimwear Macbeth. You might remember that. Mike quotes the line, my kingdom for a budgie smuggler. Which is actually from Richard the third. Which is actually from Richard the third. And then what happens is Henry went on to make another illusion.

And then Mike has a go at me about- Because you quoted Julius Caesar. Yeah. And Mike said, that's the wrong play, Henry. But only moments before had Mike quoted Richard III. Yeah. Oh no. And to quote another Shakespeare play, I am Marcus Aurelius Henryus, brother of a murdered

sister, uncle of a murdered niece, sister-in-law of a brother-in-law that I don't get on with that well, but you know, we only see each other twice a year, so yeah. Put her up my hands through some wheat earlier and I will have my vengeance on you in this pod or the next. Oh no. How embarrassing. Yeah, Mike. Well, I'll accept that wholesale. But I can't accept it.

I genuinely thought that was, that was Macbeth. Did you genuinely think that was Macbeth? What a numbskull. Yeah, I'm sorry, Dave. No, to be fair, you had us full. I was with you. It's just now that the scales fell from my eyes. Well, thank good for that. Was he post post grad? Did he say? He's yeah, he's doing an M Phil, I think in Cambridge. Okay, so that's what the M Phil gang thinks. Yeah.

We need to know what the post doc gang thinks. You want to go higher? Situation. No, I'm interested. This is this all got value. But yeah, the Sport of King accepted absolute 100% wholesale and I apologize to our many Shakespearean scholar listeners, but I'm interested to know that there's consensus among this group on the horse murder. We had loads of emails about people analysing the horse jingle. Is there a consensus among those or is there variation? Susan says, I've always interpreted the horse story thus.

The robot, though enthusiastic, is still such a modern step that it lacks finesse. The nailing sounds extremely industrial, like some kind of pneumatic shoeing hammer. Horses are, as we all know, extremely flighty creatures and the creature is so startled by the loud, sudden noise and forceful shoeing technique that it scarpers, possibly kicking over the robot or leaping through a window as it goes, creating some of the auditory chaos that we hear at the end of the jingle. The owner's lament of my beautiful horse is a cry of despondency as the horse flees the scene, but it's nevertheless tinged with awe at the sight of such beautiful horseshoes,

which he can only admire from this unwanted vantage watching his horse run away. To ride the horse is to miss the sight of the robot's horse shoes. It's a bittersweet parable of both the forward march of technology and those left behind in its wake." That's very good. It's true that it is one of the great paradoxes that you can't admire horseman shoe work from the position of riding a horse. It's one of the great ironies, isn't it? Unless you have a mirrored paddock, unless you have a fully mirrored paddock. And if you want one of those, you need to be friends with a member of the band Queen, because they've all got one. It's the kind of thing, oh, anyone

in Pink Floyd, they've all got mirrored paddocks, haven't they? That's the kind of world, those are the kind of circles you need to be in. An email from Alex who came to our recent live show in Manchester. I was delighted to come and see your live show in Manchester last week. It was also lovely to meet all the beans in the bar afterwards and have some pictures together. Don't remember that? Was I drugged? You were drugged, but you were pliant and yeah, you were snapped, you were documented. That little mantra of yours, I ain't getting in no damn selfie. You remember? So you had to give me your special milk.

They write, all of the photos for some reason look like I'm attempting to take Mike hostage. I did, however, have a chilling thought when I got home. Were we watching the real Benjamin Partridge? Ben seemed particularly riled up during the performance. I saw a side to Ben I'd never seen before. I especially enjoyed comments including, but not limited to, telling an audience member who thought his comedy was better than Steve Martin's to go and fuck himself. Telling several audience members who had attended both shows to fuck off. Yeah, it's ugly. It is ugly. Telling an audience member that he'd made himself look like a right prick.

Is this usual for your live shows? Does Ben normally mercilessly insult the audience? Or is this the work of Bondramine? I'll wet your comments Alex from Salford. Gosh yes, true looking back Ben is quite... He's got that note. It's not typical of a live show I would say. I was a bit nasty wasn't I? Maybe it is the real Ben that comes out. There was one, we did two shows in Manchester. I would say that that particular Bon Jovi's was only unleashed on one of them.

The second one. It was the late show. It was the only time we've ever done a late show. It was the first ever late show. The late show. No holds barred. Late Benjamin. And I had maybe a third of a pint of lager as well, you have to remember.

Yeah, it was a completely no rules like berserker environment. It was quite gladiatorial wasn't the whole thing was quite metaphorically Bennett ripped his shirt off and was metaphorically slapping his chest a lot. Yeah, I do apologize to anyone who came under fire. Yes, apologies. You've got nothing to apologize for Henry, don't apologize for me. No, okay. Yeah, but we can't guarantee that if we do another live show, we can't guarantee

that isn't going to happen again. You know, imagine if we did a midnight show. Good Lord. In Vegas. You might've had half a pint by then. It almost, you almost became a WWF character, didn't you? Where you were deliberately goading the crowd. What are the baddies called?

The heels? Is that what the baddies are called? WWF heel kind of guy who turns up with a sort of trestle table wrapped in barbed wire. And I had done that as well, hadn't I, Mike? That should have been a clue to the audience that I was not messing around. We've had this email from Sam. Sporting my new Svelte and incredibly incredibly sexy three bean salad t-shirt, I strutted confidently into my local bakery. I was planning on having a cheeky mince and cheese pie.

Sounds horrendous, isn't it? I grabbed the pie, popped it in a bag and nipped to the counter to pay. The girl behind the counter said it would be $5, but that there would be no Pompidou discount. Wow. The currency was an unexpected twist there as well. Yeah, there can't be bean recognition on that level in America, surely? Well, is it America? We don't know. Could be Panama. Yeah, could be. Well, yeah, Panama, I can buy that because of Mike's control of international shipping. Mike's control of international shipping lanes. What will be known there? So they write, I'm left double shocked that A, the teens of New Zealand, listen to the podcast. Very good. Nice.

And B, that those same teens will not invoke a Pompidou discount for fellow journeyman. I paid and left, but I've been left feeling off kilter. I made for the first time since I was a teenager. Listen to the same lukewarm banter as the youth. And that very same youth doesn't respect the discount. I'm shocked, Sam." I've got a lot of time for that youth, Sam, because I don't think that youth owns the bakery and that youth is obeying the letter of the law. You can only give a pompe du discount if it's, if either it's your right to give the Pompidou discount or you're trying to inflict some sort of vengeance on your employer.

We have had that in the past, haven't we? Where someone was clearly trying to undermine their business. The Yorvik Viking Centre, it was some way, I think it was in Yorkshire some way, some sort of... Oh, the Yorvik Viking Centre, yeah. Yeah. So it may be that this employee respects their, the master baker. I think in the case of Jorvik, they did respect Jorvik. Right.

They just wanted to give the discount. We have another one, which was a photographer's assistant who felt that everyone they photographed were like twats. Do you remember that? Oh yes. And they just had no care for the business whatsoever. I just want to reassure them not to be too discombobulated. And bear in mind, you know, that this teenage baker's assistant might have been equally flabbergasted, you see. They might have been off kilter.

That's true. They might have done things differently had they been able to take a breath. But no, but you can't realistically, you can't be going around offering discounts unless you're in a management or ownership role really can you? It's not within your purview. Now. This is the kind of chat the kids love isn't it? You're buying a premium item, right the mince and cheese pie. Yeah, that's a good point You know, they're gonna be following those things. You can't be I mean, yeah, that's that's where the profit is You know that they're what do you know when they're doing the books, they're watching that stuff like a hawk.

Yep. Strong points. The mince pie, maybe the cheese pie, maybe. Minced and cheese. It's not just a flapjack. Yeah. No, no, no. Come on. Forget it. But you know, the other thing is I think if it's a big enough company, I think it's okay to steal from them ethically. B&Q. We're talking about B&Q. We're talking about B&Q. B&Q a systems. Yeah, systems. If you know if a chinook goes missing, they don't notice that they don't notice. It's not like someone selling a mince and cheese pie for 15% less than it should be. Exactly. No, probably the Chinook. Probably the Chinook, isn't it? Yeah, I quite like that.

Yeah, alright, cheers. Also, Chinooks are mainly used for transporting things, aren't they? So they're not particularly lethal. They're the troop carriers. Yeah, typically. Yeah. They might have a gun on board, maybe, I don't know. Yeah, they'll often be an armed helicopter escort, won't they? A couple of Apaches, for

example, if it's the Americans. The analogy to that in this situation would be if you're buying a mince and cheese pie you might have a couple of sausage rolls on the side. The apatry of the race course. It's time to pay the Ferryman. Patreon Patreon Patreon.com. Thanks to everyone who signed up on our Patreon. Thank you. Thank you very much. Patreon.com forward slash three bean salad is the place to go. We do a monthly bonus episode.

We do the occasional film review podcasts. You can get ad-free episodes. Early access to live show tickets. Indeed. And if you sign up at the Sean Bean tier, you get a shout out from Mike in the Sean Bean Lounge where Mike was last night. You bet I was. It was the old Learn the Bass Guitar with Sting Night, wasn't it? It was. Yes. Thank you, Ben. And here's my report.

It was the old Learn the Bass Guitar with Sting night last night at the Sean Bean Lounge to which Jim Bradshaw inexplicably invited Flea to give the keynote speech leading to the first ever documented Tantric hissy fit. Undeterred, Paula Dunlop, Jimbo Bibby and Henry Clark activated the back-up educational Sting hologram and slapped and popped till their thumbs swelled to the size of watermelons, at which point Thomas Ant strained them of fluid, which was run through the soda stream Aidan Doyle had just bought and wouldn't shut up about, and which Devon sold to Dan Pet and Phil Williams at nine quid a pint, and which led to both of them briefly and blissfully knowing funk before disintegrating into purple vapour.

Elsewhere, Alex Shaw and Chris Tobro broke the land speed record on the bass tandem, while Angelica Jelle Carroll hammered the low B on her six-string so hard it burst and flailed hard into Sarah McNally's Rickenbacker semi-acoustic, snapping it in two and revealing that the partially hollowed-out body was stuffed with contraband, including prohibited Lithuanian gummy bears, frogskin wallets and Harry Harding. Elise Morgan activated the Sting Teach Yourself Reggae Bass avatar, which mistook David Gassaway and Christopher Hardy for Stuart Copeland and Andy Summers respectively and attacked them with a nine-foot gong. Luckily the gong was holographic, but unluckily we only worked that out after First Aid Officer TJ Jenkins had attended the scene

and put both David and Christopher to sleep. Paula and Berger challenged David King to a jazz fusion duel, but upon him choosing acoustic upright as the mode of combat, secretly supplied him with a four-string Kitty Marie that turned out to be both out of tune and ticklish. Pete Hairpool calmed the situation with a soothing walking bassline, and the evening was brought to a close by Rebecca, corralling the throng into forming the world's only bass guitar-only ensemble, a creation that was widely felt to be a predictable and unmitigated failure. Thanks all.

Okay, that's the show. We're going to finish with a version of our theme tune sent in by one of you. And this one, I'm looking forward to an awful lot. Okay, so this one is from Nick who previously sent us the Van Halen style one. Oh yeah, that was great. He writes, I was listening to the final episode of the last series and had reached the meditative state that usually sets in towards the final 15 minutes. The waves of lukewarm banter washed over me and I was at peace. Then in a flash, my synapses came fizzing back into life.

My heartbeat quickened. Like a deep cover sleeper agent I heard Mike utter my activation phrase. Sweet bass. He said this in the context of Birdland by Weather Report. We're talking about the song Birdland. Mike Simon grew as I realised how similar the phrases of your theme were to those of the iconic Jazz Fusion tune and how perfectly they might come together. Let's hope this has been done in a spirit of upholding copyright. And thank you. This is very exciting. And yeah, see you next time. Goodbye. Thanks everyone for listening.

Cheerio. Thank you very much. Goodbye. This is Beanland. What is Birdland exactly? The rear is on the loose, high on the roof, calm, reason with them, the power of the trans. Birdland Park and Gardens in Burton on the Water in Dorsetown. Yeah, I'm all for you right now Yeah, I'm all for you right now I personally don't find any birds sexually attractive. That was very good. That was utterly superb. You know what that made me think of? That totally conjured up for me.

80s American cop TV show, the credits are the end. With a light touch. With a light touch, but also the end credits would often be lighter than the start credits. So, and it really made me think of Cagney and Lacey. Is it Cagney and Lacey? Yeah. Which was it was two women cops. Was that Cagney and Lacey? Was that the one that had that amazing theme to it, which was sax going, do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do

do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do It had the most amazing sax riff in it. It really gave me the vibes of that. Henry, go and listen to Birdland now because what he's done is extraordinary. It's absolutely amazing. Okay, I need to listen to Birdland. As soon as I finish reading The Brothers Caramats off. Sweet bass indeed, Nick. Sweet bass indeed.

That was very good. Absolutely perfect. Thank you.