Three Bean Salad - Gameshows

Episode Date: June 19, 2024

Allison of Penistone has the beans talk about gameshows this week and by gum they don’t disappoint. Or do they? Why not play the ultimate game of chance and find out? Simply “Spin That Bean!”* and you could stand to win the best part of an hour of lukewarm banter.*conceptual bean only. Sorry. You’ll need to click the link as per.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladWith thanks to our editor Laura Grimshaw.Merch now available here: www.threebeansaladshop.comLivestream tickets for our shows at London Podcast Festival on Friday 13 Sept and Saturday 14 Sept 2024: https://www.kingsplace.co.uk/kplayer/performer/three-bean-salad/Get in touch: [e-mail] @beansaladpod

We haven't done any pre-small talk today, have we? Maybe that's for the best. Well, I haven't. You have. We've been talking teenage music. Oh really? Yeah. I've been putting Ben's finger back on the pulse for him.

Yeah, really. Who's it all about now? Um, Survivor. That one? You still just catching up with that? I have the tiger. Yeah apparently kids these days are into Survivor, Toto, Aerosmith. Right yeah, Toto have got a... I'm getting confused. Who is it? The song called Pamela? Was that Toto? Yeah, Toto. Oh, Toto. Yeah. And Rosanna. Rosanna, Rosanna. It's good those sort of old... You don't get songs for women with those names anymore, do you? 70s names. Rosanna, Pamela, your Barbaras. Barbara's very rare, isn't it? Lyrically, these days. Yeah. And you'd imagine amongst baby names, I can't imagine a baby called Barbara.

That's true. A contemporary of mine at school is called Barbara. Babs. I think that's the last fresh Babs I met. She may have been the last Babs. Yeah, she may have been the last Babs. She might have been the last Babs. There's an Auntie Babs in my family but she's... Same. Of course there's an Auntie Babs in my family.

Yeah, there's an Auntie Babs in it. There's an Auntie Babs in my family, but she's same. We've got Auntie Babs in everyone's family. Isn't it? That's de rigueur. Where we should go in some kind of quest to find the youngest Babs we can. The world's youngest Babs. Yeah. Well, let us know. I mean, listen, this is one for the listeners.

If you think you're the youngest Babs listening, or if you have access to the world's youngest Babs, we'd be interested to know. And how is that youngest Babs being protected? Is it, is the youngest Babs being kept away from the glare of the media? Is it like the last, is it the last white rhinos? There's two of them left and there's like a bloke with a machine gun sitting next to them? Choosing, choosing which one to knock off? No, they're being protected on there. I saw a photo the other day of the, I think it's the last two Northern or Southern white rhinos.

Oh no. And they're sat there and there's just a bloke with a Kalashnikov sitting next to them. Do we know if it's a possible mating pair or are they both lads or something? I think one of them was made, there's definitely some kind of lab business, isn't there, where they put sperm from one kind of rhino into one that's similar but not the same, I think. This is rhinoplasty, isn't it we're talking about? You grow it off a starlet's nose, that's right, and then it bathes. That's right.

You release it into the wild. Yeah, so there's a bloke whose whose job is just to stop people killing them. Yeah. Actually people think the one way to save them may be to actually to properly unite and unify them with the rhinoplasty industry, don't they? Because rhinos do, that's why the words are similar, isn't it? Because they do generate. Perfect noses. Perfect noses. So if you could grow say 10 to 15 noses on one rhino horn, it would almost look like grapes and then sort of harvest them. And then send them off to Courtney Cox or whoever it is.

And then squish them into a sort of nose wine. Yeah, well that's one of the options, yeah. Or sell them to Courtney Cox. That's the other option. Courtney Cox and her wall of noses. Yeah, and you press which of them, yeah, different noises, which of them makes the noise, collect the sequence of notes, which will save your life. That's the game you play when you go out to dinner with her.

Or she'll make you a gin and tonic. Or she'll make you a gin and tonic. It's one of the other, isn't it? With Courtney Cox. You've got to do something after friends, haven't you? You've got a lot of money in the bank. A lot of spare time. You've got a lot of spare time.

A lot of spare noses. A lot of spare noses. What are you going to do with them? You invite people around to a sort of terrifying dinner party of death situation, don't you, where you set them a series of challenges. That's why we haven't heard that much from a lot of the Friends cast. Because they fell foul of her first go. A lot of them were there for the pilot. They describe it as the exact mixture of the experience of being lost in a hall of mirrors and trapped

in a giant nose full of millions upon millions of miniature noses. It's really, it's heady, isn't it? So I'm starting to picture this. Is going to Courtney Cox's house for a dinner party a bit like doing it to knock out? But nose-themed. It's a delightfully naive way of looking at it, but yeah, okay, believe that if you want. Yeah, that might help. I think sometimes, I think newcomers often think that they've just walked into a very well soundproofed room.

That's right. They think, oh, maybe Courtney Cox is getting into podcasting then. Yeah, it's sort of weirdly contoured. Yeah. Series of walls that and then, and then their eyes adjust to the gloom because it's very hard to light when you've got the ceiling covered with noses as well. That's right. It is actually noses they're dealing with. And she has collected those over the years from conquests. Well, we assume so, don't we? That's one of the... I think it's conquests and interns, largely. Some are sent in by fans. Yeah, they'll do that. I mean, we get sent noses, don't we? We've got bags full of them, haven't we? I still can't mean to go through them.

Apologies to those who have sent in noses, that we haven't gone through them. We haven't sorted them yet. It's one of those jobs you put off isn't it? Like have you put them in the fridge because last time you said you'd left them in a black bag in your garden. Are they supposed to be refrigerated? I think so. Because they're in the larder. Okay fine. They're supposed to be refrigerated but at body temperature. That's the only safe way

to do it isn't it. I like the idea, it's interesting this idea that there's a Barbara, a Barbara out of the youngest Barbara, someone that we need to identify and then protect. Definitely. But I think youngest Babs. So you could be a Barbara or you could be a Barabbas. Okay. Anything that could be shortened to Walter Babs. Yeah. I think, cause I see a sort of situation where it's a sort of dystopian future

people are, and maybe it's a novel called like the, the BABZ complex or whatever. Okay. The BABZ complex. And then people realize, realize it's Babs and they go, and then there's a point in the story where there is no Babs is a person. The Babsy complex is a person. Yes.

It's Barbara Dixon. It's Barbara Dixon. We probably needn't have worried quite so much about it. It's literally Barbara Dixon. That's good because thrillers are hard to end, aren't they? Typically, they tend to fall apart in the end. So I've not seen that we needn't have bothered ending before. We needn't have bothered. And we can easily neutralise her, Ben, can't we? Anyway. By using Elaine Page or Michael Bull to launch a nuclear device at her home.

Yeah. If there's so youngest Babs, we want to find you. We want to protect you. We want to cost you and give you a platform. Yeah. Unless that endangers you, of course. Yeah. I think Barbara's a really nice name, but I just can't.

It's got nice music to it. Hasn't music to it. Hasn it? Barbara, because it's like banana. It's like the fruit, the fruit banana. You say banana. Henry says, yeah, exactly. It's one of those words which has a repetitive, it just, you never, it can go on and on, can't it? Barbara, Barbara, Barbara, Barbara, Barbara, Barbara, I

love you, Barbara. The song writes itself, doesn't it? I love you. The song writes itself doesn't it? I also like you. I'm indifferent to you. I loathe you all the emotions, all the emotions, I've got all the emotions for you. Because Barbara's encompassed everything, didn't they? Names and stuff tend to go off the back of people. Like famous people will make a name happen, right? So after this year's Euros tournament, there'll be lots of little Jude's born. So I guess in the fifties then there would have been a Princess Barbara, was there in the Royals? I might have missed that. There must have been an originator of Barbara.

Yeah, also, how old a name is Barbara? There's no Barbara in the Bible, is there? Ooh, that's interesting. Are we talking about a tiny window of Barbara? I haven't come across many medieval Barbaras either. Barbara of Anjou. It's crucial that I either marry her or kill her within the month. Otherwise the future of the Seven Kingdoms is at stake. Barbara when I came into this room I was absolutely dead set on killing you.

But you know what? With this cheese fondue that you've served me, but some of the cheese is congealed. So now I just like you. It's a very fatty meal. I'm indifferent to you. I'm having severe stomach cramps because I haven't drunk white wine, which you literally have to drink with cheese fondue in order to not have it congeal in your esophagus. And it's actually, I think it's killed me. All right, you've defeated me. Yours are the seven kingdoms.

May you live long and flourish. You know what? It's actually been a privilege getting killed by you through the medium of fondue. So there's been a lot of emotions. Also visiting Anjou has been lovely. It's been really nice. Because it's actually my first time in Anjou. I made a little joke earlier that I'm a bit of an Anjou-genoo. Anjou-genoo because it's my first time. Yeah, I'll have to start rolling. She's had that a thousand times. Everyone thinks they've

made that joke for the first time. When they come to Anjou for the first time. When they come to André for the first time. They do. She's so bored of it. And she's now stabbing me. She's trying to stab me in my lower thorax using the fondue forks, but she's got no idea. I've got no feeling down there anymore because the congealing effects of the fondue have, it's killed me from the feet up and it's just going, in fact, my chin's dead. Yeah, I can feel it going. Yeah, my lower jaw's gone. Bye Barbara. I'm dying. So maybe that's why Barbara's flourished. But I do think that, I do associate Barbara's

with fondues by the way. I was going to say that before that fondue thing, which would have made slightly more sense of it. Right. As a sort of well-to-do Swiss type or someone in the home counties who was top drawer entertainer in the 70s. Yeah, it's the latter. I mean, as in entertaining at Barbara's, you know, Shaye Barbara.

You go to Shaye Babs and she's got the latest Fondue set. Is this because of The Good Life? And maybe, is there a Barbara in The Good Life? Yeah. So is it Tom and Barbara are the couple? Oh, probably. I think. That's interesting. Yeah. Yeah. Is that the earliest documented Barbara?

It might be. Because what we don't know, I mean, maybe that Barbara is a sort of de novo 20th century creation, or were there hordes of Barbaras actually and they're just unsung? One entire army of them that sacked Rome. Of course the sacking of Rome by the Barbaras! It's just history hasn't been written by Barbaras. And the Viti Barbaras. Yeah.

The streets of Rome, it was foretold they would run with hot fondue and they did. Yeah. They sacked the shit out of it. The barbarians. The barbarians. The Barbara Arian. The Barbara Arian. So does Barbara and Barbarian come from the same? Maybe that's why modern Barbara spends so much of their energy in putting on fabulous dinner

parties and making cheese fondues is to slightly cover up the fact that they're a bit embarrassed about their Bob Herian past. I love you. I also like you. I loathe you. All the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions,

all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the

emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, all the emotions, I got all the emotions for you. All the emotions, all the emotions, I got all the emotions for you. I love you. I love you.

I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. Okay, let's work out what we're going to talk about this week by approaching the bean machine Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba This week's topic, as sent in by Allison from... I think it's Penniston? Where's that? Is it a... Sounds like the kind of place a barber would be from. I think it's maybe Lake district, is it? No, it's near Barnsley. Okay. South Yorkshire, but it's,

it's it's spelled penis stone. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Yeah. But I think it's Penniston. Okay. So, Alison sent in game shows. Come on down! It's quite Barbara, isn't it? It's very Barbara. She's won a hatchback. Well done, Barbara. You've won a South Golf Club's hatchback in a trip to Toro Malenos. The prizes on those old fashion game shows were so much better or more exciting than

they are now. I'm not even aware. But is that our time of life? Where you could really do with a brand new washer dryer? Exactly. That would be ideal. Yes please. But I think these days it's just hard cash every time, isn't it?

Is it really? People don't really win stuff anymore, I don't think. There's no jet skis. No dishwashers. I don't think so. It was all about the white goods and the... It was all about white goods and big, big sort of leisure items, wasn't it? I know. But Mike, think about that jet ski. When you're like, yes, I've won the jet ski, yes, this is going to change my life, yes!

So I've got to just drive it back to Derby. Any kind of... Any help with getting it back to Derby? No, you've won the jet ski. Congratulations, goodbye. Is there a map of the canal system of Britain? Because that might be helpful. Security if you can eject Bob and Barbara, the Bobra team, Bob and Barbara, eject them from the building. Thank you. You have to take the jet ski. Otherwise you're littering, you're essentially fly-tipping a jet ski. Yeah, you're fly-tipping. It's illegal. Yeah, and it's also a fire hazard. It's incredibly dangerous. It's full of petrol.

Have you insured it? No, because if you haven't insured it, it's a crime. So you're actually currently breaking the law. Yeah, £12,000 a year. Yeah Yeah. That's minimum. Yeah. Bye. Why don't you sell these golf clubs and this washer dryer that you've been given that's also on the street? Yeah. It's a 50% markdown as soon as it's been won on a game show. It's 50%. As soon as it comes off the presentation plinth, it loses 50% of value, just so you know that. So that's already, and then you can only sell it probably through loot, which is still going

at the moment. You have to sell it through loot. So again, there's no 50% mark off. So good luck, Padre. A lot of work for Barbra. The thing I always thought was when they won holidays, that was quite often the big prize, wasn't it? It was like two weeks in Miami. All expenses paid cruise. Exactly. But I always thought there's no incentive for the show to make this a good holiday because once you're on the holiday, it's been on tally, right? You never hear back from them, do you? You generally, I think surprise surprise, you'd hear what they got up to.

Well, blind date, they'd come back, wouldn't they? Cause that's what I mean. Yeah. But that of course makes sense because it's, if there's a will, they won't they issue going on there, but otherwise, so Ben, what you're suggesting, what you're suggesting when his first day of the cruise, Barbara and Bob are sitting in their little suite with a view of the view of the engine room. Got an internal view of, um, internal view of the miracle of ship engineering. Yeah. And then a man comes in with a shovel, gives it to Bob and says, get stoking. I thought you said, I thought you were going to say it was execution style, dig a hole

because I'm burying you and Barbara in it. So start digging. You don't have to do that to see, we could just push you in, but we're going to dig a grave. So dig, dig your own grave! What's that you think I look like? Russ Abbott. I'm not Russ Abbott. I might be. It doesn't matter, you're going to die anyway. Yes, I am Russ Abbott. I do this on the side. Now start digging. What? Oh, yeah, you're going to get through to the room underneath. I know that's another couple who are also about to kill. It doesn't matter. Dig through to their chambers, yeah. Then you can all dig through together.

Yeah. But do you know what I mean? There's no incentive for it to be a nice holiday. But also it's before a review culture. So Barbara and Bob, they have their moment of fame and they disappear into obscurity. They're gone. They're over. There's no Instagram account. There's nothing. Follow up. Yeah. No major sponsorship deals coming on. They're not doing a cameo and a nightclub in Ibiza. None of that's happening. They probably won't even make the Derby Inguira.

Will they? You know what I mean? In terms of news, it'll just be gone. Yeah. So they're very, very easy to kill. And actually it just comes to pure maths at the end, doesn't it? Do you, do we give Bob and Barbara a two week luxury holiday in Miami? That's going to cost,

what 1984, what about 75 pounds? Which is a huge expense. It's the equivalent of a quarter of a billion pounds today. Do you probably think, or we employ Russ Abbott to kill them. Get the jet ski back, give it to the next couple. Why has the jet ski got a blood stain? That's not blood. That's not blood, it's punch. Russ, please don't batter people to death with the jet ski because we're trying to reuse the jet ski.

Yes, that is a human tooth embedded into the... Into the rear saddle. Into the rear saddle. But that's because they're having so much fun, they laughed it off. Bob laughed several of his teeth off during that holiday. Obviously, Russ Abbott's the perfect man to use because he's tall, he's strong, he's completely amoral, which is better than immoral in this situation. And he can take a head off with a shovel like that.

It's just, the thing is, this is what happens if you expose, you know, pure market economics. It's just, this is what happens if things aren't regulated, isn't it? That's why game shows start getting regulated, didn't they? Yeah. It creates perverse incentives and then this creates a perverse incentive to murder the guests once they've won. The one that changed everything, of course. Okay. Who wants to be a millionaire? Yeah.

Because that was event TV. It really was, wasn't it? And I think it was the sheer bravery and the ambition, the scope and the sheer balls to say we're going to put Chris Tarrant on a stool. Wasn't it? It wasn't about the one million quid. No, it was Chris Tarrant on a stool. I mean... They do look quite precarious on those stools. They really do. It's a needlessly high stool.

It's a needlessly high, but that creates that sense of tension. Yeah, he's very good, isn't he? Tarrant is very, very good. He's been replaced. Oh, he's very, very good, though. But he was very, very good, wasn't he? Chris Tarrant, oh, go. Was he? Was his thing? Go. Which one? What's the answer? Oh, brilliant. It was super intense and very earnest, but Chris Tarrant could occasionally

just be a little bit cheeky. Yes. And lighten the mood. But you really feel like you're there with him. When you watch it, you feel like he's sitting on the sofa next to you and he's got his hand on your leg. Doesn't it? At my university, they had a Who Wants A Billionaire? Chris Machine, which we used to play a lot. Yes, I used to have that one. It was great fun. Yeah, they were sort of ubiquitous for a bit, weren't they? What was really good was when you had the answer, you had to press Chris Tarrant's face and you could freeze his face. Nice.

To see it in the whole range of facial expressions he has, the whole spectrum from smug to really smug. He's been replaced by Clarkson. He's very good though, isn't he? He is very, very good. No, um, yeah, similar type, isn't it? Yeah. Middle-aged right wing, um, owns a massive, has it has a huge garden. They've got that vibe vibe to them.

Well, talent was big in, you know, when TV money was insane, right? If you, if, yeah, I think if you were sort of game show host in the nineties, you would making absolute bank because no one has got a seemingly insane amount of money, isn't he? Yeah. He's just got a helicopter's falling out of every orifice. Yeah. Well, he's got his own space program, isn't it? Okay. If you on millionaire, genuine question, who would be your phone a friend? I've thought about this long and hard. Really? I think I pick either my friend Gareth or my friend Tom, both good people, good quiz people. But I think I almost as a rule wouldn't listen to that person. Really? You'd go bonjo on them?

Because you have to live and die by your own sword. Oh, interesting. Interesting take on it. Oh, in life in general? But can that friend not be your swordsmith? Imagine if you used their answer and then it went wrong. Oh, I see what you mean. It's going to ruin your relationship with Gareth Gwynne. Yeah, I see. Or at least jeopardise it.

Yeah. I don't know, but I think if you're in that situation, you're in that situation. Also, I think you'd want to know from them if they're confident. So for me, it's very easy because a friend of mine who you've met. Cheers, no worries. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you know what I mean? Yeah, fine. Thank you. Is a quizzing super champ in his spare time? Of course. Yeah.

Who's that? A friend of yours? Matt, who you met at one of the live gigs. Oh, he's a quiz maestro. Yeah. Of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he would also, I think he would say if he didn't know, if he wasn't sure. He's got that brain which is really good at retaining facts, but that isn't what intelligence

is, thank you very much. It's not about that, but it's just very peculiar thing. He's also very intelligent. Peculiar, it's not intelligent. It's much clearer than you. It's just made like your brain is a huge vat that you pour stuff in and it stays in the vat. You think a vat's intelligent, do you?

Do you want to play chess against a vat? Genuinely, just to kill a broke. It's just pouring facts into things, not what intelligence is. Well done to him, but that isn't... intelligence is not that, is it? But he's got that as well. And, you know, big receptacle, big bucket, big not big bucket. That's what basically being on to retain factors is just being a huge bucket. And did you know, or you won't know this, my other podcast, Beef and Dairy Network, has been at the centre of a cheating scandal in real life of international quizzing because

there's an online international quiz league, which is like the top level apparently. Yeah. And basically somebody was caught out using an AI to answer the questions for them because of a question where they gave the answer beef and dairy network instead of the right answer, which was about a different British podcast. And it was such an odd answer to give. Oh wow. The people went, what's he doing? How would he come to that? And basically what was happening is he had a little speaker.

It was playing into a phone or a computer that was then listening to every question and then AI answering it quickly. And they worked out that this question was like, which British podcast blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. If you put that into Google, Beef and Dairy Network came up for some reason. Wow. So the question was about a different podcast, but he gave the answer beef and dairy network and everyone went wrong. Quite a weird thing to think of. It's a very, very obscure podcast that no one's ever heard of. And so they went, why did he say that? I think you're being a bit harsh on yourself. I think it's very obscure. I think knock a very off.

Come on, don't put yourself down. Just be proud. It's a very obscure podcast. You worked hard to knock off that first very, didn't you? Exactly. We can't all be our fuckers. Yes, they kind of went, why did he say that? That's so weird. And then in that, that

triggered them doing an investigation and he's been brought down. He's the Lance Armstrong of international quizzing. Wow. And I killed him. So does that mean he was married to the Sheryl Crow of international quizzing? Was Lance Armstrong- And is she now single? Married to Sheryl Crow. Was he?

That's what I'm asking you. Don't ask me. That's what I'm asking you. Don't ask me. That's why no one is calling you Henry. Or millionaire. No one's doing it. By the way, saying that Lance Armstrong was married to Cheryl Crow might be the kind of weird thing that only an AI would say because why would anyone think that Lance Armstrong was married to Cheryl Crow? I'm just going to Google it. Lance Armstrong married. Can they choose different friends for different categories? No, that's the thing. There's this one friend on standby. Like your friend, Matt would be perfect

because he's got a broad range. The generalist. Yeah. But they were actually engaged but never married. So what was the quiz show? It wasn't a show. It's like International Quiz League. It's like a sort of proper, you know, the real nerd apex of kind of quizzing. What are you talking about? What am I talking about? Stop asking questions then, asking the question again. You've got to ask a question and I'll give you the answer and then you turn that into a question. Sorry, sorry. I haven't, by the way, I've never had the

call because there's two big calls one gets in life, isn't it? Jury duty, which I have had. MI6. MI6 is the other one. So Cheryl Crowe asking if you're single. But one of the top five questions you get asked in isn't it, is will you be my call a friend? Just in general, I mean, just will you be a friend? Do you want to be a friend I can call sometimes? Still waiting for that? No, the the will you leave your call a friend on on millionaire. But the

question always goes with that is how does actually work? Because they call them and the answer is if they they're just like, what's going on there? Presumably they're in a military installation surrounded by security staff. They've got a scientist with a lethal injection hovering over their face. Because... Well, so they can't Google it. Yeah, so they can't Google it, mate. Because they call up and they go, hi, and they go, how are you?

Is it that they're in a safe... Are they in a... It started pre-Google though, didn't it? It did start pre-Google, but still you could have had a professor, we could have had a professor next to them. But I do think now that person must be, are they in the studio? Also, they're always in and like... I actually know the answer to this because I listened to a podcast called The Rest Is Entertainment with Richard Osmond and Marina Hyde. And what are they? Are they sequestered somewhere?

Yeah, what is the answer? And Richard Osman was someone's ask a friend and you're at home. Yeah, okay. There's a TV producer outside in a car outside your house. Armed? Armed. And is it one of those situations where they've got all those, those lasers that you get in museums where if you move-

Coming in through the windows? Yeah. Like Tom Cruise in Mr. Impossible. Yeah, where if you move bits of your face will just perfectly just slice and pull and just thump to the floor. Like a sort of laser cheese wire. Like a laser cheese wire. Is it a laser cheese wire situation?

So if you hiccup, for example, you lose an ear. So you have to sign very disclaimers. Also, while signing the disclaimer, you will use your arm. They're great those lasers because luckily they don't burn the carpet or destroy the furniture, but they will slice you up. They'll slice and dice you. So there's a producer in a car outside, engine running? Well, I think the thing is, because they're recording, you don't know when they're going

to be recording the show. It's just at some point that afternoon, they're just outside your house until it happens. Then they come and knock the door and say, you know, it's going to happen. And then they sit next to you, I think, and make sure you're not Googling it. It's true that the pressure is heinous, isn't it? If they're close to the million or whatever. Yeah. The pressure is. Also, they've got a new, on the new one, they've got a new feature.

Oh yeah. So you know how it used to be 50-50, phone a friend, ask the audience. Ask the audience is useless. Yeah. Is it? In the early stages you can do it. So if you don't know the question, it's like the 1,000 or 5,000 or whatever. Yeah.

But if you get higher up, there's no way to listen to the audience. If it's a really obscure question, then people are just guessing. Exactly. There's a new one. Ask Clarkson. Really? Yeah. Call Clarkson. So you can ask Clarkson what he thinks. You can ask Clarkson. That's bizarre.

It is bizarre. That's weird. Ask a right-leaning middle-aged man with a huge garden. But he works for the show, right? So you'd think... Oh yeah. It's in his interest to give the wrong answer because he'll presumably... The million gets split between him and the production staff, doesn't it? If it isn't one.

So he gets paid. It's got to get somewhere. Oh, that was a game show, wasn't it? Paul Ross's No Win No Fee. Do you remember that? No. It was amazing. So he's like, if you win the £10,000 prize, I get no fee for presenting this TV show. You win my fee. That's amazing.

Yeah. It was quite short-lived. I'm not surprised. He must have been furious. So would he get suddenly more and more angry as he compressed through the rounds? I can't remember what the thinking behind that is really, because it doesn't really make a difference. No win, no fee. Yeah. Let me look it up. So it was called No Win, No Fee. It was originally called, it was based on a previous show called Win Beadle's Money.

Okay. We haven't talked about a bead or these are Jesus Titanic figure in this world. Yeah. Which is, which was again, you'd, you'd win Beatles actual money. Beatles about wasn't a game show. No, but it did create the one, the greatest moment in TV history of all time, which is the alien scam. Have you seen that? No. Oh my God. are you serious? You've not seen the alien scam? I saw a lot of Beadle, but I didn't remember that. So if we're not too clear listeners, Beadle is kind of a famous prankster basically. Yeah, he was like the original prankster, wasn't he?

If I'm not counting Loki and Odin and like mythic scoundrels, but he was the nymphs. But he was the original 80s prankster. So it was Beatles about, so it'd be things like you'd go home, there'd be like thousands and thousands of toads like in your bedroom. And you'd start hanging with hammers and then before you kill too many, he'd jump in and go, Hey, stop. And he'd be dressed as a toad. And be like, I'm Beatle. Hey, stop. And he'd be dressed as a toad. Yeah. And be like, I'm Biddle. Hey, hey, hey. And then you'd come at Biddle with a hammer and then his security

rest in you would, would then it's like just pulverise you. And his, his rule was no weapons kill, kill them, but with no weapons get pulverised to death. Yeah, but he just do really annoying things to people. See, he became a kind of love hate figure, didn't he? Because something really annoying would happen to you and then it'd be revealed that it was Beedle. Your car would be clamped or something. You can't be towed and then accidentally fall in the canal or something like that. Yeah. And be like, Beedle.

And was Beedle... I think I'm a tiny bit young for like proper Beedle. I was aware of Beedle, but I wasn't really watching the main Beedle stuff. Is he doing this to celebs or to normal people who can't afford their car to be ruined? So they're crying and going, I'm going to work this. Yeah. We're fucked. We're totally fucked. Yeah. And beetle saddles up in a false beard and a Mac and takes it off and revealing his actual beard. Cause he was, he was a bearded man. Let's say he would reveal his, his true beard under the false. See. Um, and it was quite a ball. So the alien one was absolutely brilliant where they basically using 1980s, not

that much, you know, not, not hugely lucrative like funding, not, not, not, um, TV show budget, They fake an alien landing in someone's garden. So this guy comes home, there's a huge spaceship in his garden. And they've got, they've hired like, it's on YouTube. So watch it at some point, but they've hired like, imagine like a B movie. They they find that the absolute minimum setup to genuinely convince someone. So I think they've got like two people dressed as soldiers, someone dressed as a policeman and like a disused World War Two tank that they've given a lick of paint or something.

They've sort of created a vague sci-fi sort of crisis, but really, really cheap. Like tiny little cast. You know, like in any alien film, you've got the army, you've got the police, thousands and thousands of people, exactly. Choppers resources, resources of the state kick in. But here you've got like three, three, three actors, whatever. And there's a big space and a sort of plastic spaceship in his garden. And they're talking to the person, but the person basically believes that this is an alien and then there's like steam starts coming out and an alien comes out of the spaceship

and it's just like a sort of kids fancy dress alien costume pretty much. But this person sort of believes that there's an alien coming out of the spaceship. I think the alien takes his takes his face mask off, takes off his fake beard. And it's fake green beard and it's and it's Jeremy Jeremy Jeremy Irons and actually bedel had been bedel could be awful it was gonna be him underneath it was the first I've been I got bedel by irons. Ah, they don't make them like that anymore. They don't make them like that anymore. They don't make them like that anymore. Time to read your emails.

Yes, please. When you send an email, you must give thanks to the postmasters that came before. Good morning, postmaster! Anything for me? Just some old shit. When you send an email, this represents progress. This represents progress Like a robot shooing a horse Take me your horse My beautiful horse! If you'd like to email us, do so at 3beansaladpod at gmail.com

Now, I want to propose something to you chaps. If you'd like to email us, do so at 3beansaladpod at gmail.com. Now I want to propose something to you, Chaps. Yeah? Yeah. A new category of bollock. Oh, very good. And maybe this is time for a new jingle as well. I'm calling it...

Oh, I had a good name for it and I've forgotten it. Have you lost confidence in your bollock? It's the ubiquibollock. Oh, okay. Which is, and this happens quite a lot. Is this where loads of people have come in with the same bollock? Yeah. We basically get like over 20 of the same bollock.

Over 20 feels like it's a ubiquibollock doesn't it? Ubiquibollock. It's zeitgubolic. Yes. There's something in the Zeitgubolic. Yeah. It's a consensus bollock. Yeah. But also I think it almost makes the bollock quite boring in a way because it's almost like, it almost didn't need to be said because it was just there. Do you know what I mean?

Okay. Yes. Well, you know what that's a bit like when you can, when there's a bollock humming in the background and you only notice it once it turns off. So this, so this is the first ever ubiquibollock. Okay. Okay. Ubiquibollock. Wave upon wave of bollocks. And that's a three bean salad, guaranteed.

So this kind of, this bollock is from a couple of weeks ago. Henry said that you can only get eggs in boxes of six or 12, which is a fact. And we've received about a trillion emails saying, no, no, you can, you can buy them in tens. Well, what is 12? Well, what is 12 minus six times two and take away a third of six. I'm talking about the basic, yeah, the basic units are 12 and six. Yes. 12 and six are the basic units of the egg boxes that you get. Because you still use the old counting systems, didn't you? The pre-Roman. Yes. Well,

yeah, exactly. The base 12. The Babylonian. The Babylonian. Yeah. The Babylonian cubits. The Babylonian cubits were. Also, how many eggs are there in a box of 10 anyway? Have you actually checked? It's usually only six or sometimes they try and smush 12 in and it's so little transfer. Sometimes they'll try and smush 12 in. And sometimes there's a lovely moment, moment isn't there where you get a little feather in a in a in a box of eggs adhere to a

clod of shit sometimes yeah and you can just picture that factory where there's an AI operated robo hand smudging squeezing the eggs out of distressed chicken and smudging one entirely artificial feather into every seventh box just to make the customers happy. We've had one email that sort of sums up the ubiquibolic is from the policeman. He described himself as the policeman. Last time I bothered you about your chat about a policeman's hat. By the way, can I say with the amount of actual bobbiesllocked you about your chat about a policeman's hat. By the way, can I say with the amount of actual bobbies on the beat you see these days on the street, pretty soon we actually will just be the policeman who looks after this country.

And this is an election year I'm saying that. So basically he bollocks us for the eggs thing. And then he says, I'm amazed you didn't talk about the fact that in the US it's illegal to sell unwashed eggs. Whereas in the UK it's a legal requirement to sell eggs unwashed. What's he talking about? On the inside or the outside? What's he saying?

Well that. He's saying what he's saying. He's saying what did he say? Well that? He's saying what he's saying. What did he say at the time? He's saying that in America they have to hose down their eggs before they can sell them. And he's not allowed to hose them down. So that means actually that's quite quite appropriate of what I'm saying because I'm saying you wouldn't get a little feather with a little...

No. Stuck on a little bit of turd. No. They have to be washed. Yeah. That feels a bit unnecessary. Which. No, that's be washed. Yeah, it feels a bit unnecessary. Which is why they refrigerate their eggs. Because they've washed off the special magic stuff that keeps them from going off. I think I didn't need to wash the outside of anything if it doesn't touch the inside of the thing should mean that what's the point.

I've seen you many times eating a shitty banana. Exactly. But as long as the outside of the banana doesn't touch the inside of the banana, it doesn't matter. It's the inside of the banana you want to worry about if that needs washing, but it shouldn't if the banana has its integrity. By the way, I'm just going to say this again. I completely reject that ubiquibolic. And by the way, I will not be the first person that's gone against the tide of society and been right.

A certain- Jesus Christ. Is this you and Mary Curie again? It's me and Mary Curie. No, a certain James Joyce wrote a book called Ulysses, which no publisher was interested in. And sure enough, most people still haven't read it or I haven't, certainly. And a lot of people presented to. Exactly. So no, but he went from publishing house to the publishing house. The Zeitgebollock of the time was telling him no one wants to read this. Turns out that was true.

A lot of people were prepared to pretend to read it. And they weren't scared to put good money behind that pretence. No, but the point I'm making is you can't I'm just trying to picture it now. You can't have a box of 10 eggs. I'm literally trying to draw it. Okay, what I will concede is, I'm going to show you the how many is now showing us a drawing. Yeah, well, I will. Can we see what else you've been drawing during the episode? You also drew Stephen Mulhern. And a giant strawberry. strawberry. Yeah, I have drawn a giant strawberry. Okay, I will concede to this ubiquibolic, right? To tie the public opinion, I will concede that you can have a box of nine eggs. I have actually seen them.

You can see that it's physically possible. Are you suggesting? Are you trying to show us that it's mathematically impossible to have a box of 10 eggs? It's possible, but you have to have a sort of sidecar. Look, for the 10th egg, how's that going to... Do you realise when it comes to stacking, most of grocery economics is about stacking. If you haven't thought about your stack options, you're going to be running at a loss. Things have to stack. Strawberry stack, I've just drawn one there, you can fit another strawberry next to it upside down. It's got stack built in. If you

can't stack the egg, so you're going to have to, to cost that, that box with the side cuff for the 10th egg, it's going to cost an absolute fortune. You cannot stack it. You can't transport it. It's complete waste of everyone's time. So I, so Henry, I'm just inviting you to imagine two rows of five. I'm declining the invitation. I'm thanking you, but I'm declining. I'm declining. Thanks very much. I appreciate it. I can't make it. Sorry. Okay. Just had other plans. That's not a bollocking accepted. Fine. Reflecto-Bollock

Bollocking for Mike. Oh dear. Good. This is from Miles, who is a cartographer. Really? This is from Miles, who is a cartographer. As a cartographer, it is my duty to call Mike out for describing Kaliningrad as a little Russian enclave off the Baltic. Wozniak, you fool. It's an exclave. Or really a semi-exclave, since it's on the coast.

Well, well. What does that mean? Does anyone know? I've never come across the word exclave in my life. There's a conclave. So a conclave is one that bends in, right? Or is that a con? There's convex and con-cl-a-ve? So we've had another email from David on the same topic. This came close to being a ubiquibolic. Really?

Yeah. David writes, an enclave is a territory fully surrounded by another country. Think San Marino. An exclave is part of a country which is entirely separated from the rest by the border of at least one other nation. Think Alaska. Okay. All right. Fine. I'm still slightly struggling to get my head around that. No, I'm in. I'm in. What? Alaska, a country with only one board with only one other country basically?

It's separate, no, it's separated from its main country, but it's part of the country, but it's physically separated, but it's part of the country. But it's not like a separate territory, like an overseas territory type thing. Because Alaska is part of the United States, but it doesn't have any border with it. Physically separated from it by Canada, yeah. Whereas Enclave would be like the holy sea, right? Yeah. Oh, okay.

Nice. Well, a bodyking accepted, of course. Finally emails from Tom. Dear beans, my wife and I had our first baby last week. Congrats. Congratulations. And despite several inspections, I'm yet to find the expected onion birthmark. I am unsure how to proceed. Can you advise? Kind regards, Tom.

Name the baby Barbara to start with. That's my main bit of advice. So we have a Barbara zero. We have a Barbara Zero. We have a Barbara Zero. I guess the thing is, Tom, like not every child is going to be a holy onion child. No, that's true. They can only be four or whatever those... Yeah, well, for like anything, well, any box of onions amounts, so four, six, 12, 24. Any amount that you could get of onions in a box, isn't it? But you know, your kid is going to be special in other ways, I think, you know.

Yes. And that's why you should make sure that you check for birthmarks in the shapes of other vegetables. Because you may have glanced by, you know, a parsnip birthmark in the left armpit just because you've been looking for that onion one. And there could be something very special happening with that child that you've overlooked looking for that onion one. And there could be something very special happening with that child that you've overlooked. Look harder. Yeah. It's time to pay the ferryman. Patreon.com forward slash three bean salad

okay let's talk patreon yes please if you want to listen to bonus episodes the occasional film review podcasts and various other things go and check out the patreon patreon.com forward slash three bean salad and there are various tiers you can sign up to. And at the Sean Bean tier, sign up to that and you get a shout out from Mike in the Sean Bean Lounge where Mike was last night. Oh yeah. It was free soil night, wasn't it? It was, thank you Henry. And here's my report. It was free soil night last night at the Sean Bean Lounge, which may have meant an unprofitable

night for soil touts Dave Goffin and Billy Wheeler, but for those living in soil debt such as Jacob Mills or even full soil ruptzy such as Ollie Foxel, it was a lifeline. Sean Bean himself bestowed the soil arms and began by filling Siv Sivagumaran's many hats with clay. Lucy took home a fistful of the Lomi variety and Wrights Ed Fred walked out the door in Pete Chino's. Kevin O'Shea from Cork's Clod of Sod transubstantiated in his gob, causing the very flesh of Sean Bean to be lodged in between his molars. Kristen Thobro and S. Muck, ever-seeking melodrama, wilfully misunderstood the evening's theme and began liberating soil from beneath the grass of the Sean Bean ornamental Napoleonic

war lawn. Fortunately, the blackarts were intercepted by lawn monitors Elise Morgan and Harry Harding and, according to the terms of membership to the lounge, were duly composted. Meanwhile, back in the lounge proper, Angelica Carroll received a year's supply of wet silt, Matthew Keeney and Graham were permitted to leave with as much chalky soil as they could eat, Lucy Reeve and Devon each opted for a bag of worms, and Heartbleeps was tricked by Danny Stoker into taking home six turds. Thanks all.

Okay, that's the show. We'll finish off with a version of our theme tune sent in by one of you. And this one is from John from Bristol. Brilliant. Thank you, John. Dear beans, in honour of your many accident-prone drill-toting listeners, I thought I'd perform a version of your theme tune on my trusty cordless drill. It feels like it should have a provincial dad sort of like crossover. Well, it says here to please a certain provincial dad brackets and irritate a certain metropolitan elite. I should

probably mention it's performed on a Makita 18 volt DHP 428 LXT combi drill fitted with a 3A lithium-ion battery and a 4mm carbide straight shank masonry bit to give it that extra sustain. I just heard that as a really long fart. Yours with all my fingers intact, John from Bristol. Superb. Thanks for that. We'll play that out now.

Thank you, John. And thanks to everyone for listening. See you next time. Thank you. John. And thanks to everyone for listening. See you next time. Thank you. Bye. How the hell has he done that? That's amazing. That was really good. Brilliant. Has he drilled into different densities of wood or something? I think different speeds of the drill probably. Different speeds. Brilliant.

Thank you, John. Thanks, John.