Three Bean Salad - Haircuts

Episode Date: July 10, 2024

Rebecca from (The?) Wirral selects haircuts as this week’s topic for the beans. Presumably this was a cynical attempt to silence Henry for an episode - an attempt which, of course, failed. Rebecca has been referred to the Bean Standards Select Committee and is suspended without pay pending their findings.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladWith thanks to our editor Laura Grimshaw.Merch now available here: www.threebeansaladshop.comGet in touch: [e-mail] @beansaladpod

Hello everyone. Hello. Ben, you were talking a minute ago about line bikes just before we went on air. Yeah, these are the bikes you can hire from the street in London. These are street hire bikes. We did have that system in Cardiff for a while. Oh yeah. And then the company basically said, if you can't have nice things, we're taking them away. Because so many of them were found in the river basically. Can't be trusted. But no city can be trusted. They're always just strewn about, aren't they? Bobbing out of canals and in the middle of the road and just... Well yeah, that's it. But in Cardiff, we took it so far, they said. No, no, no. Yeah, you've ruined it for everyone. But to me, it's the kind of thing which completely

works in Nordic countries. Oh yeah. In Nordic countries, it's like, I'm just fixing the bike, even though it belongs to the state, but I'm fixing it out of my own pocket. I will leave a nice loaf of rye bread here in the basket. And I have a personalized message written in sesame seeds on top of the rye bread to all the names of the seeds. There's over 50 billion seeds. All of these state-sanctioned names. Olaf one, Olaf two, Olaf three.

And Helga. Actually that's German. I reckon you could get a Scandi Helga. Oh yeah, for sure. Isn't it the case though that we, in the public imagination in Britain, we think of Scandinavia as this kind of wonderfully utopian place. But in reality, isn't it all quite right wing now and a bit weird? The two things aren't necessarily not linked.

Everything is clean and nice. We have three names. Hello. The state is strong. Welcome. I don't know. I don't know if that's true, but everyone's doing that, isn't it? And that's just the bit that makes the news.

Like if you were reading about Britain from foreign shores, I would imagine you'd get the sense that that's just the way it is now. Yeah, but I don't think they previously had the idea that Britain was this kind of a utopia. That's never been a thing, is it? Yeah, that's true. It's more of a sort of grimy place, isn't it? It's a place that in advertising terms is currently thick with grime. We're the before picture.

We're the before picture. Singapore is the after picture. Because my experience of a line bike actually strangely strangely, is sort of ties in with this. Well, not strangely, it's what we're talking about, isn't it? Yeah. It's where we started. It's where we started. It's not a coincidence.

It's a continuation. Because, yeah, the line bikes in London, they get what I think of it as, but obviously it's wider than London, Ben, as you've just proven, but I think of it as they get London, like London happens to them. So anything that is in the public spaces in London, it just develops a kind of, it develops what I call a sort of deep grime. A sort of patina. A patina, but it's almost deeper than a patina though. It's a kind of, things become fundamentally filthy.

It's been like in London, if you lean against a bench or something and then blow your nose, it comes out a piece of coal comes out. Yeah. Yeah. Well, most of your body comes out, doesn't it? And you end up in a situation where over 50% of you was outside the nose and it's not clear, do you get it back in or do you just follow through with it and just start again on the other side of your nose? Do you know what I mean? Like you might just lean on something and then look at your hand it's thick with the grind with black filth. So what happens is the linebacks have succumbed to that. They used as

bins, essentially. So it's kind of a mobile bin. Because they've all got a little basket. So you could see it's designed for a Scandi world. They've got a little basket at the front in which I put my my rye crackers, my rye observations. My collection of old Norse histories. Yeah, exactly. But actually, you really become this sort of mobile bin. So you walk around clacketing around, there'll be like a burger box and some cans and some just like random detritus. Well, and people are sort of herding them into the basket as you go past.

As you go, it's kind of a sport now. You become a line, but you become a mobile filth bucket essentially. But the filth is just being moved around the place. It's not being disposed of, it's just... As long as it's always in transit, as long as it doesn't settle, it's basically not the duty. Then it's not the responsibility of the Greater London Council. Of the Greater London Council because it's actually, well it's just successful transport

happening, that's what it gets logged as. So you can log it in the positives column. Sometimes I'll move rubbish from my basket into the basket of another bike. Like at a traffic light or something like that. Yeah. Anyway, these, these, these line bikes, they, um, occasionally they'll release a flock of new ones and they're brand new and they're lovely. They're really coveted. They're clean.

But then within days they succumb to London in this sad way. They become hobbled, begrimed, nobbled, hobbled, nobbled, wobbled. They're wearing top hats where the top is missing. or open like a tin can flap. Yeah, yeah. Have they got kind of cockney accent now? Aw, fuck yeah. And you go over a speed bump. They steal hot pies. And if you don't direct them with your hands, they naturally take you to the beating heart

of Soho. That's where they're all headed. So you're basically always trying to wrestle them off course. You're always trying to wrestle them away from Soho. I can't go to another porn cinema today, I've actually got a job. You've taken me to three porn cinemas today. Are there still porn cinemas in Soho? Is that like the 70s Soho?

Henry? I'm glad you asked me that. Soho. Battersea. Old Southwark. Streatham. Vauxhall. Tuffmall Park.

Barnet, technically. Madden Two Swords. The Senate of... Halfords. Zone 2. Barnet, technically. Madden Two-Swords. The Senate of... Halfords. Zone 5. Mind the gap between your provincial existence and this metropolitan utopia.

Next stop, Urban Enlightenment. The glamorous London life of Henry Baccar. Hang on a second. Is that Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber? No, it can't be. Because you're Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber. I know. There is in the beating heart of Soho, there is what I've always thought of as the most sordid passage on earth. It links, I think, is it Glassblower Street and Berwick Street? It's an absolute, it's basically 12 feet of absolute pure filth. It's a narrow passage.

But within that passage, every sin you've ever dreamed of and more besides will come true. This is the bit where the Mark we decide broke down in tears and said I can't go on. There's a little blue plaque there for him. And presumably chock a block with it with the great and the good, the ruling classes. It's so chock a block with everyone. I mean both cabinets, the government, yeah. Submarine commanders. Yeah, yeah. Everyone's there, all the great and the good.

And that's why it's so hard for them to actually run election campaigns because obviously 95% of the cabinet just have to be there at all times in case they miss something. Something fabulous and atrocious in equal measure. Yes. Prince Edward, would you like another baby bird to eat? Yes please. But can it be naked? Can it be naked except for some tweed knickers? Or a tweed bikini, or as I call it, tweed kini. Now look, I'm not saying you have to invest in tweed kini. But the royal family depends on it.

I do have a spare one in my bum bag if you are a needed one. It's ready to go. What people don't know is that 10 years ago we sold the crown jewels to a Dubai and Emirate for all the money into tweedkini. We were assured that tweedkinis are going to be even bigger than Bitcoin. We were assured that tweedkinis were going to be huge. Well Bitcoin. We're going to be huge. Well, tiny there because they only gone small bads. But if just 5% of budgie owners invest in tweaking, we'd be able to finally invest in Prince Andrews legal fees. No, I so I think so still does have a few of those things. But basically that absolutely filthy

alleyway that I was describing. But I think now it's literally just like a scribbler, whatever was it called? The shop that sells greetings cards at stations. I think it's now just the most depraved stationers in all of London. Where the highlighter pens are black. And the printer cartridge is printing black. That's what most people need. And the staples literally only staple into a scrotum. That's the only thing you can staple into. A scrotum to another scrotum. Just as of today, all Leverarch files come with a free tweed kini.

We just can't shift these things. Just as of today, all Leverarch files come with a free Tweedkini. We just can't shift these things. Remember it's bird size. Have you ever wanted your budgie to look sexy but in a classy way? Tweedkinis. Perfect for a Scottish beach. Although, and obviously we can't canvas opinion from budgies as such. But a lot of them do do perish, it would seem

to perish within within minutes of putting on a tweed guinea presumably from sheer joy. Yeah, going out in style. I was cycling a line bike a couple of weeks ago. And this just came back to me, which was I was cycling like it's just nice, nice little London vignette, a little glimpse of what London life is like. I was cycling a line bike through a through a London park. And this thing happened, which I think is just human nature. This which is if you're cycling along and you see like a small object in the road,

if you're cycling along and you see like a small object in the road, you'll tend to head towards it. Hear me out. It's human nature that you'll say, for example, I was once cycling along and there was a balloon floating around the road and I just cycled over it, bam, popped it, it was quite fun. You'd be so easy to assassinate, Henry. So we've invested thousands and thousands of pounds in a complex honey trap. Her name is Ivanova. She's a CGI budgie. But in a real tweedkini. No need for any of that, let's just put a slightly shiny button in the middle of the

A35. Oh, he's already here! This is just just put a slightly shiny button in the middle of the A35. Oh, he's already here. This is just a discussion. He's come in the room. How did he do that? Get him. This is just the planning phase. We're still six months away from starting the mission. Okay, let's do it. I was cycling a line bike through a London park. Which one? Finsbury. Okay. So you were cycling through a London park.

I was cycling through a London park. And basically what happened was I saw this thing in the road and I did this thing, which I defend, which is, I think it looked like it was a plastic bag or something and I just thought, Oh, I'll just go over that. So then what happened was as I approached it, a moment arrived where I realised that it was a flattened dead rat. But this moat... Oh, London. London. flattened dead rat. But this moat, oh London, it was a flattened dead rat. Now its head was facing me, so I essentially had a kind of rat carpet. Like a polar bear, one of those

polar bear rugs with a polar bear head. That's exactly what it was. So the head was facing me. It's a mini bath mat. It's a mini little mini bath mat. Well, basically a lovely gift for an under six. For anyone under six. But what happened was basically I had this really quite horrific moment where I was heading for it thinking this would be a bit of fun. And I was just right on the cusp of going over it where I saw it was a rat. Now I've seen quite a few dead rats in my time. They never looked like they've had a peaceful death. They never looked like they've gone away gently in their sleep. You've not walked in on a rat in its deathbed being comforted by its nearest and dearest.

No. It's not something I've ever witnessed. So it had the kind of rat scream, you know, the kind of, the kind of, and screaming, screaming into a bin, screaming into a toilet, screaming into the gates of hell itself. You know, that kind of apocalyptic scream they all seem to have. and screaming, screaming into a bin screaming into a toilet screaming into the gates of hell itself. You know that kind of apocalyptic scream they all seem to have and the claws are very much so it's kind of had that scream the toothy scream the claws just an absolutely horrific sight all made palatable just by the fact that it's tiny or relatively small.

On a giant scale that would be one of the most horrific things I've ever seen. Do you mean like if it was the size of what like a plane, if it's a plane, I wouldn't be recording this podcast with you right now. If I just cycle over a rat that's like a dead rat the size of a plane. To be clear, I'd be reassessing things in a very, very deep way. Do you imagine then that the rat was flattened by another bike? Well, this is the thing I couldn't work out. So basically it was too late to pull out. I, in fact, cause I had the option to pull out, but by basic, I mean, quite

cold decision, which is plow, plow on, plow on over the rat. I had time to go, that's a dead rat. Plow on over the rat because I sort of did what, um, in fact, I did in a way what the captain of the Titanic should have done, which is plough through the iceberg. That's what they say. Do they? It was, because it tried to get out of the way, the Titanic scraped, the iceberg scraped

the side of the entire boat essentially. If it just ploughed through, it would have sustained damage but probably not sunk. Well it would have smashed the iceberg. It would have sustained a lot of damage but it probably wouldn't have sunk. It was the fact that it ripped its entire side all the way down by scraping past the iceberg. There's a theory. I mean it's on the rest of history. I don't actually know it, I just heard it on podcast. Oh, yeah. That's all knowledge though, isn't it? In modern day and age. Does it count? Okay. Yeah, I know it. Yeah, I'm not sure what knowledge I have that I haven't got from a podcast these days. So luckily I didn't decide to swerve out of the ray of the wrath, in which case it would have scraped my line bike all the way down. And you just sunk. I just sunk in Finchbury Park. Yeah, so I had time to decide to go straight over the head, so over the head, up the body

and pretty much down the tail to be honest. I pulled off pretty well. But I did then notice that it was so flattened. I think London is like hundreds and hundreds of Londoners have just been going over it over and over and over and over and over again. So it might not have even started flat. It might not have been flattened by a parks vehicle. It might have been this might have just been the work of hundreds of Londoners.

I think so. Anyway, that's a little London vignette. Of course. I mentioned this last week, I think. A rat is eating my strawberries. It's still eating my strawberries. I thought it was a mouse you said last time. It was a mouse last time. It's some kind of rodent. Okay. I think.

Henry liked it when he said it was a mouse. Yeah, very different if it's a rat. Yeah. Well, it might be a mouse. I don't know. Could be a crow. So you've not seen it at work, you've just seen the evidence. Just seen the evidence. Okay. Nor that. Beautifully ripe strawberries. Tiny little tooth marks.

What? Yeah. Classic crow. And you know, last week, Henry, you said, is this the kind of thing that, you know, a man of a certain age might decide to make their entire life's work to work out what's going on? Yeah. I'm in talks to borrow someone's wildlife camera to try and catch the culprit. Night vision, baby. So are you serious? So you're in talks with, so let's, we mix in celeb circles. It's Chris Packham, isn't it? I assume it's Chris Packham. You're talking to an- It's the Packham odd-y industrial complex, I would say. Yeah. Okay. So you're talking to a wild, somebody who's got a wildlife photographer. No, it's like, um, it's like a camera that you can set up and then it senses

movement comes on and starts filming. Yeah. They use it in, um, in nature documentaries and stuff, don't they? Yeah. Cause quite often you'll have a fox come up and sniffing it and they'll show that in the bit at the end of the Antimera films where they say how it was made. Yeah. They'll show like a fox coming and sniffing.

It's quite funny. The fox's nose looks really big. So does that mean you also have to have a highly trained camera operators behind it in a ghillie suit? Please. Three months sitting into a bag dressed as a strawberry. The perfect honey trap. So you're looking for that gotcha moment, aren't you? Gotcha. You little fuck.

Gotcha. I do have a rat problem. You won't be doing that again. What do I do? Fools. They told me it was probably a rat problem when I said it was probably a rat problem and this will show them that it was a rat problem. It's definitely a rat problem.

Okay. I know someone who once cycled over a dead rat. And I've got 2000 tweed kinies in my garage. Think Ben think. Imagine if I captured some footage and it was actually a rat on crow back. Wow. Oh blimey. So that would be good. That would be worth it. So it sort of fashioned its own little saddle and was lancing the strawberries from the back of the crow. There's no footprints you see.

There's a reason why in so many, in so many national cultures, in so many of the ancient texts of different religions and national cultures, the end of days is heralded isn't it by the idea of the rat riding the crow. Yeah, eating a strawberry. Because that's the two king, if the rats and the crows are the two most malevolent evil creatures on earth. Yeah. Not counting the current members of the Tory cabinet. Well, Henry, by the time this goes out, we may not have a Tory cabinet.

But we are a politically neutral podcast and I would like to say that if that is the case, I will be both pleased and disgusted. Did I tell you that when I was in Paris recently, I saw the most portentous thing in the world? What did you see? I watched a baby crow drown. Oh my God. Does that feel like a bad omen? Ben, Ben, do not. I insist, do not. And you didn't intervene. You cheered it on. Ben, do not, do not embark on any major military campaigns for the next six years.

Just call everything off. Send the hazards back. Send the hazards back. Six years. Until the corn have kissed the sun six times. Yeah. And you should probably be in hiding on an Ionian island. Yeah, get yourself to Ionia ASAP.

I did, it's quite horrible. I was sitting there, a baby crow fell in a pond in front of me. It was one of those moments where, you know, nature reveals itself just to be horrible. All the other birds that were in the pond already, coots and moorhens and that kind of thing, or just started attacking it. Well, even though it was in the water? Yeah. Bloody hell. So they were pecking it to bits.

God, nature really lets itself down sometimes, doesn't it? It really does. Come on. Then they'd had their fill of pecking it, so it was just kind of struggling to get back out of the pond and it couldn't because there was like a lip around the edge. And I thought, oh fuck, I'm going to have to go and fish this baby crow out of the water. So I went to stand up at which point the guy next to me had exactly the same thought and got up to go and save it. And I thought, Oh, thank God,

he can do it instead of me. Great. Yeah. And then there was probably what? A 25 meter walk around to the other side of the pond to get there. And he just walked so slowly around there that it drowned in the meanwhile. Okay. Whereas I would have cantered a bit. Do you know what I mean? And then mouth to beak? How far would you have gone once you got there? Mouth to cloracor I think is how it works. You just end up inflating it. So yeah, the guy had a go, but by the time you got it out, it was too late, sadly. Yeah, it was horrible.

But yeah, it felt significant to me, like a turning point in my life. Yeah. Well, is that why you've really put some power to your elbow with your campaign against the strawberry rats? Well, yeah, I think they might all be related. Yeah. It does feel potentious, doesn't it? Yeah. They are the most portentous of animals are the most sort of a very sinister. Was it cute? The

baby cry? No, it's hard to imagine them being cute. No, then the other other other other other birds eggs and stuff. Crows is a magpies. I think they're bad. They're bad guys. Yeah. Interesting. I wonder though, did the strawberry thing happen after the baby crow? Yeah. I feel it feels to me that you've ignored a message. Yes.

And so I was trying to send you the message again. So I don't know if it is that you should be calling off your invasion forces or I feel you're being required to act by fate and you're not acting. But we just don't know what that action is. So do you think you should be taking more of a hard line on the strawberries? I wonder. So had you visited Napoleon's grave at that point? I'd only maybe two hours before I'd visited Napoleon's grave.

That's got to be that coincidence. He's chosen you. Napoleon has chosen you. He's chosen you. The dead crow Napoleon of course. But hang on Mike, the way that Henry told me to put away my forces, to mothball my cannons, to send the Hazars home. You are my very enemy Henry Bacca. No, you fool.

Napoleon wills your destruction! You'll be flattened like that rat! Ben, if this ends up with you killing me and cycling over my body over and over again, believe you me, it's gonna be a horrible, it's gonna be a nasty moment for you as by like the sort of 875th time you cycle over me, it starts to occur to you that maybe it's just a crow that just randomly drowned. Nothing's random, Henry. No, you're right. It's such as the tragedy of war. Maybe this was all masterminded somehow by Mike.

Yeah, he's it seems to be coming out on top. Because I'm in prison for murdering Henry. Henry's dead and Mike's eating my strawberries. Oh I'll have a strawb. Let's turn on the B machine. Yes please. This week's topic was sent in by Rebecca from Wirral, or is it The Wirral? I'm never sure. Isn't it The Wirral? The Wirral for me. No idea what it is though. But she herself has put in Wirral. Oh well, she seems likely to know best perhaps.

Yeah. It's a bit like The Ukraine, right? You're not meant to say The Ukraine anymore. Yeah, but we got used to that quite quickly, didn't we? We dropped the the. Why was there a the on the Ukraine? It just sounds good, or it did sound good, didn't it? But why did we have to drop it? Because it's not the Ukraine, it's just Ukraine, and the same with the France isn't... the France. I still think of it as the Frankish Kingdom. Basically a conglomeration of city states that are mainly at war.

Also the Facebook, remember it was called the Facebook. It was called the Facebook. Not in the film, I mean, and in real life. Yeah. But it was called, and then they dropped the the, and that was huge. Hang on a minute. The tweedkini. That's what's been going wrong this whole time. It's time for the to come back.

You have, if you both watch mad men. Yes. I just think it's quite, it's quite done draper. You know, when he's, when he's, when he's talking to a group of people, when he's, when he's doing, when he has a genius moment. Yeah. Everything's coming back. Things come around.

Tiramisu, nineties music. People want to feel safe what is the average american what he wants a lucky strike. He wants a. I'm a daemon a daemmler a. A hot piece of apple pie great day not a great day a great day the daemmler. A Great Dane on a Daimler. And a budgie wearing a tweedkini. I give you the tweedkini people. Tweedkini!

But that's why we call it the tweedkini. Exactly, that's the thing. Because it's the United States of America. It's the American president. It's the Route 66. It's the Golden Gate Bridge. And it's the Korean War. I offer you the tweedkini. Anyway, Rebecca from Wirral. Okay.

Or maybe it's the Wirral. A sent in haircuts. Okay. A bit of a sore point, but yeah, fine. Well, I'll just sit back and yeah. You've had haircuts. I've had haircuts. In a way, I've had too many you could argue. Too much of a good thing. And I assume you must, you know, cut or deal with at least what's left going, you know. Yeah. Thanks. Thanks. Choose the words carefully. And thank you for doing that. It's not an issue. Honestly, I'm cool about it, frankly. So it's not a problem. I mean, I'm actually

fine. I'm fine with the fact that I've chosen a different haircut. You're beautiful the way you are, Henry. In a way. Ah, after the fashion. Thanks mate. Through a certain lens, not sure what that lens would be, but. A non-visual lens. Guys, think about it.

It's the bald eagle. It's the bald Henry. It's the bald truth. It's the bald Henry. It's the bald truth. It's the bald pirate. The most obscene animal on earth. It's an absolutely hideous creature. It's a hideous, hideous creature.

Okay, let's not lean into the bald pirate. You'd smash with a man at the second you laid eyes on it. But you know, you've got to make decisions about your hair. You could have distinguished tufts if you wanted. I've flirted with distinguished tufts. I've this very morning I've, I've shaved it, which is why I've got that lovely kind of matte, matte egg, matte egg. Isn't it?

I sort of quite a matte finish egg. Yeah. Like it looks like an egg that's been inspected by a sort of a fingerprint specialist from CSI. They've dusted it. I used to have, I dusted down it. I sort of, yeah. An egg of criminal interest.

That the authorities are suspicious of in some way. Yeah. Yeah. So what are you using to shave it? Shell? I'm using a. An old shell. An old shell?

Yeah. Things have moved on then. I use a combination of pebbles, pumice stones, and a sandblaster. I've been using the same device for about a decade now. And it's called a wahal. A what? A what? A wahal. W-A-H-L. Look them up. They are the industry standard in sort of middle-aged, gaminy old blokes and having to look after their heads.

But what is it? So WAHL is the leading industry standard head shaver. So if you look it up now, to put that into into Google WAHL. I'll show you. I'll show you. Is it WAHL or is it WAL? I'm getting a village in India. In Maharashtra at the moment. Okay, so here's my WAHL. Oh, is it just WAL? It's WAL. WAL.

WAL. I don't know how to say it. But you put an extra A in, didn't you? It's WAL as in WALBURG? It's WAL. WAL. WAL. I don't know how to say it. But you put an extra A in, didn't you? It's WAL as in Wahlberg. As in choice. It's WAL. It's WAHLberg. It's quite narwhal.

It's in the narwhal word sort of area because it's WAHL. It's WAHLberg, isn't it? It's WAHLberg. It might be short for WAHLberg. So basically, this is in, I can't say this enough as industry standard. Yeah. It looks huge. It's massive. It looks like you could sort of shear a sheep with it. It's got that kind of chunky look. Yeah. It's that level of thing. And it's, it's ones which you use in, I'll demonstrate for it. It's ones which they use in salons,

barbers, prisons, barbers prisons, sort of agricultural shows, far right organisations, black sites. It's got a lovely... Oh, that's a nice deep sound. When it came close to the mic there was a bit of... I think it's German, I'm assuming it's German. While is a German word. Meaning?

Choice. Choice. Mark Wahlberg therefore being Choice Mountain. The mountain of choice. Choice Mountain. Welcome to Choice Mountain. You've got two choices, punch or run. It's ironic that it's called choice in a way, isn't it?

Because choice is the thing you don't really have as a bald man. But anyway, so basically this, right? I, the reason I was able to get my hands on this, because it's industry, it's an industry standard. They use this in salons, right? Is it industry standard? It's industry standard. They use this in salons. But actually the only reason I got my hands on this, right, I went to a special shop for industry, um, hair people to this. And I had to register a company because it's only for industrial use. I still receive mail for a company called Henry Packer's World of Hair.

Wow. Henry Packer's World of Hair? Henry Packer's World of Hair. I just signed this document of Hair. Well, I just signed this document for just, I had to make up something when I was buying it. Are you still a registered company? I still get mail. I don't think it's actually a registered company, but I get mail for Henry Packer's World of Hair. The people at Waha-Lib-Waha-Lib think that- Henry, how many of your tax returns have you filed for Henry Packer's World of Hair in the last decade? No comment. Somebody's doing some prison time.

there in the last decade. No comment. Somebody's doing some prison time! Just to let the audience in, on a Pompadou, it's rare we do a Pompadou these days. Yeah, you're right. It's been a while hasn't it? In fact, someone has sent us in a version of the Pompadou jingle which we could use. Oh yes please. Sent in by James from Manchester. Thanks James. Who writes, Quitting's Beans, please find attached a version of the Pompidou theme done in the

style of technical death metal. To make it especially tech-deathy, the bass is performed on a fretless bass. Some technical things to annoy Henry, the guitar used was tuned to drop C and is a Music Man Majesty 8 string. Good heavens! Serious metal business. Don't give a shit. I tell you what, the bass might not have a fret but I'm fretting because I'm pissed off.

What is a fret? I don't care. Right, move on. Play it. Let's carry on. Let's play it anyway. Christ. And now it's time for Pompidou section. Pompidou. Yeah! Anyway, the Pompidou is, I had to go out and do an errand and now I'm back. So we are now recording over an hour since we finished recording and we were mid topics, pretty dangerous stuff. We were, weren't we?

It was quite dangerous stuff, but luckily we can get it back on. We can get it straight back on because of course the topic was. Haircuts. Haircuts. It was haircuts. Mike, I want to know, because basically I'm, I'm an ignoramus in this area. It's not my field of expertise. So I would like to learn what it's like.

Tell me about your haircut life. It's every two or three months. There was a time when I would wait until I got an acting job and turn up on set and whoever was on set have to deal with my hair. So I'd get a free haircut. Wow. I mean, that's quite a kind of ballsy move in terms of frequency of acting work being expected there.

The, the acting work did eventually dry up. I don't know if those things are related or not. But is it because you were going to auditions with longer and longer hair? Nothing like my spotlight photographs increasingly unsuitable for roles. So you were having to go for only Wildman of the Forest roles? Yeah, exactly. And Wildman of the Forest, it's not one of the popular characters is it? That's why there's never been a film called Wildman of the Forest. These days I see Nicola to whom I'm loyal. I like Nicola.

Oh yeah. We have a good chat. So that's just for anyone who doesn't know, Nicola Sturgeon, so she used to be the Prime Minister of Scotland. She was, she's quite famed for her bowl cut that caught Mike's eye. She was, she was then no longer Prime Minister of Scotland. She didn't have a bowl cut. Things kind of, you know. She had short hair. She had quite a harsh cut.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Didn't she? She had a fairly harsh cut. Yeah. So she just gets a special, she's made a special bespoke bowl for me now and she puts it on and then we talk about Scottish independence and holidays. We have a lovely time. And then you flip the bowl and eat a nice hairy minestrone out of it. Yeah, exactly. Can I say the experience of getting your hair cuts, I think, is a prime example of where fanjambot and the fanjumbo philosophy could really revolutionise things. That's true.

Great, great idea. Fanjumbo. Fanjumbo. So if you know they don't know, fanjumbo was a protocol that we brought in, which was all about how to deal with awkward conversations in life, like running into people that you vaguely knew at school on the train, do you talk to them or not? And we, we had this idea that if you both just said, fun jumbo, it says everything that needs to be said. It says, I don't want to talk to you, but I respect you. I don't, this isn't a snub. I wish you well. Yeah. And then we also, you could have like

fun jumbo badges or maybe like a fun jumbo hat. So people just know he doesn't do small talk. Yeah. He's fun jumbo named of course, after St. Fungi Ambo. That's right. Yeah, he's fanjambot. Named of course after Saint Fanjambot. That's right. Who was stoned to death for being so rude in 1440. But also we then, we never added, but I think we need to add in to fanjambot, which should be fanjambot except in emergencies. For example, if your feet are on fire, for example. You need to do some small talk then. But some people don't talk about, yeah, some people don't regard that as small talk. I mean, people have different definitions of small talk, you know. people don't regard that as small talk. I mean, people have different definitions of small talk. To a Londoner, a person's shoes being on fire, yes, that's small talk.

If my shoes are on fire and I'm on a train and there's a guy from school who I used to know at school, who happens to be like a qualified- Shoe dowser. Then don't hold back just because we used to be friends at school, but just don't expect a lot of small talk when I'm in the recovery position later on. Anyway, so yeah, go on. I don't like getting my hair cut because I don't like chatting. Although I have to say my current barber is quite good. I think I've found someone I can sort of chat to and it's

all right. But up until recently, it's been 100 hundred percent fanjambos own, but you can't really ever say, let's just sip it. Culturally, we're not there are we? It's difficult. That's what fanjambos therefore, because it's obviously the same with like taxi drivers and various other things. Or like a massage, anything when it's just you and one other person in a sort of service industry relationship.

There was a place in London, when I lived in London, there was a place I used to go to that I became a regular of because they didn't chat to you at all. They were chatting to each other. Oh, that's good. That's quite good. It was very much a barber shop. They were very much chatting to each other. They barely gave a shit that you were there.

They certainly weren't interested in what you wanted done. They just cut your hair a bit, which was fine by me. So the nearest thing I do have to a haircut is every once in a while I will get my back waxed. No. Yeah. That's quite a thought. Yeah. I do sometimes, especially if I'm going on holiday. Smooth like a dolphin. Well, because for the flumes. For the flumes. Yeah. I've clogged up enough flumes. Essentially without a back wax, I become the literal equivalent of a clump of hair clogging up a sort of a drain. A plug hole.

A drain. But just, yeah. Also in places like Greece, you could be prone to wildfires. Very, very, very dangerous. I will go up like, whoop, like that. Oh, if someone starts a barbecue on your left shoulder blade, you're in real trouble. Yeah, big, big, big, big trouble. Sometimes the person waxing my back will try for more talk.

When I'm going through unspeakable agony, it's unbelievable. See, this is an experience I've never had. They'll be saying, have you got any holiday plans? Yeah, yes, yeah. Any, can you go anywhere nice? Spain! Spain! Spain! Am I right thinking with waxing like the hair, it's not like shaving the hair has to grow, right? It has to be a decent length for decent purposes.

I thicken it up during the winter months. Yeah, or during the hibernation period. During the hibernation period it thickens up. And then prior to a holiday, I will sometimes get it. How long does it take? It's about 20 minutes of seventh circle of hell stuff. And is it strips or is it one single sheet that can then be sold on as a doormat? Car upholstery. That's where there's a small doormat and carp Holstery concession stall in this lobby. I've been buying back my own hair! The bastards!

They've solved capitalism, it's the perfect business. Time to read your emails, thanks to everyone who sent us an email at 3beansaladpod at gmail.com. Thank you. When you send an email, you must give thanks to the postmasters that came before Good morning postmaster, anything for me? Just some old shit When you send an email This represents progress

Like a robot shoeing a horse Take me a huff First of all from Andy, this is about the name Barbara. This topic runs and runs. It's huge, yeah. Dear beans, you asked recently if the name Barbara is dying out, or if any listeners know a Barbara from the younger generations. I can confirm that I've met a Gen Z Barbara recently. I live in rural Essex. A little while ago I was walking along a footpath that cuts through the neighbouring farm. I turned the corner and came face to face with an enormous Highland cow, standing in the middle of the path and glaring at me. That may actually have been me just before my holiday wax.

I backed away gingerly around the corner, spotted the farmer in her back garden and called over the fence that one of her cows was loose. She replied, was it a big yellow one? Oh, that's Barbara. Don't mind her, she does that all the time. You just need to shout, shoo shoo Barbara, get away. And then she made a shooing motion with her hands to demonstrate.

That was a great twist. I didn't, I did not see that coming. That's very good. So now you know not only that the name Barbara is still alive and well, but how to react if you meet one in the wild. All the best, Andy. This is from Gareth from Southwick. Thanks Gareth. Thank you Gareth from Southwick. Thanks Gareth. Thank you Gareth. Dear beans, this is a bollock, mainly directed at Ben. The Eurasian eel Anguilla anguilla doesn't spawn in freshwater, i.e. Northern Irish lakes, but they do in fact spawn in the Sargasso Sea in the Caribbean.

Leaving their freshwater homes behind, they travel without feeding to the Sargasso, where they spawn in a mega eel orgy and then perish. That's right. Yeah. That's right. Yeah. No, I actually weirdly- He's got that bang on, has he?

No, I actually knew that. I once wrote, well, one of the- You once wrote a well, one, what the treatise on it, a very angry op ed piece for the, for the economist about eel, eel reproduction and how it's just Caribbean eologies, Caribbean eologies and how it's just not really, not really on know they, you know, they do do that. I did actually know that because the radio sitcom that I occasionally write with Tom

Crane, we did an episode that was about eels and it involved them going to reproduce in the Saga S.I.C. Having a big eulogy. Big research phase, isn't there, for that sitcom? There's a huge research, very, very deep. I mean, we'll go all the way down to the bottom of a Wikipedia page. So what's he saying? We suggested the spawning had happened in Northern Ireland.

In Loch Ney, but in fact it was... No, they're like Brits abroad, they go abroad and, you know... Have an orgy till they die. Have an orgy till they die. A bollocking for Wozniak. Okay. This is from Andy, who's a medieval history teacher. Hang on, before you get into that, wasn't that a bollock from Gath? Oh yeah.

Is that accepted now? I don't think so, I didn't notice you're reflecting it. You stand by it, you saw them spawning and they were spawning. Put it this way, if you were an eel, why would you wait to get to the Caribbean before you had an orgy? When you could have a perfectly serviceable orgy in Northern Ireland. Yes, the DUP won't like it. It's almost a reason to do it, isn't it? For some heels. That's a good line for the Northern Irish tourist board as well. You can visit various

scenes where Game of Thrones was shot and you can also have a perfectly serviceable orgy. I know you're right, Mike. I think that's bollocking accepted. Yeah. I don't claim to know much about heels. Bollocking accepted. Now it's time for your bollocking, Mr. Was. Okay, I'm ready. Mike's first comment about feudalism was that it was Anglo-Saxon when it is famously part

of the Normanisation process conducted after the Anglo-Saxon period. Is Wozniak pro-Norman, we can only assume? Lots of lavander. I am pro-Norman, thank you. My Welsh grandmother, whose surname was Bassett, was absolutely certain that we were descended from high-end Norman barons on her side. And as proof, she once took us to a small ruined Norman castle and said, look, that was ours once. Wow. But for her theory to hold water, you also had to believe, didn't you, that a human can reproduce with a Bassett hound.

That's also true, yes. What was her, where was the proof? What was the idea, where did it come from, this idea? Well, the idea was that she had a name Bassett, and it may have been that the name Bassett might have been vaguely associated with this Norman ruin in some way, but quite tangentially. But the proof in terms of showing us the proof was that because it was there and she knew it was there and she just knew it was all true.

Did you feel quite at home when you got to the ruin? I didn't feel at home. I felt a bit confused. I didn't really understand what it meant necessarily to me. Here was I clear in my identity as a half Polish half Welsh, born and raised in English in England, young man, and all of a sudden, the Normans are being thrown in. I think most families have an eccentric relative. I think it's a global phenomenon who think that there's some sort of royal lineage somewhere in the family. My family myth is that we are related to a woman called Jemima Nicholas, who was a huge farmer or farmer's wife who repelled attack by the French Navy in 1797 in West Wales. Nice. And yet you, her progeny, is allowing a rat to run rampage over your strawberries, Ben. They took on an entire army.

And you can't even protect your own home fruits. Oh, is that Bollocking Accepted, Mike? Yeah, absolutely. Always. Bolly King accepted. Steve emails. Hello beans. Hi Steve.

I've been listening with interest as fellow listeners claim to have listened to the pod in the most northerly, highest etc locations. I propose an alternative. Listening while on or in the oldest man-made feature. And I'd like to nominate myself. I listened while walking along the Ridgeway which has been in continuous use for over 5000 years. What's the Ridgeway? Where is the Ridgeway?

It was while walking along a section in Wiltshire that I found myself listening to your pod. It looks just like a big hill to me. I'm looking at it online. Well he writes, in its earliest days it was seen as modern, sophisticated and ground-breaking, now it feels tired and shabby and in many places completely ruined. But the Ridgeway was great. Okay. Was that a switcheroo? I was really passedendry by that.

I'm not even going to engage in that. The Ridgeway is... Your badge is in the post. The Ridgeway is such a great example, I'm looking at it, of our slight paucity of really great tourism spots in Britain. It's a path basically, it's not even it's nothing. I'm reading it's a picture of a hill. And to me, that's just any generic bit of countryside anywhere in Britain is just a green hill.

Yeah. Yeah. And then it says, check out this, this is the top paragraph on the website, right? This is where you grab them. Yeah, this is where you grab them. You put your best stuff out front. Yeah. And you grab them. You make it a must see. Yeah. This is the first sentence. The Ridgeway National Trail is a walking route in a surprisingly remote part of South Central England. What does that mean? How can something be surprisingly remote? And, and, and, and not nothing in South Central England is particularly remote.

Exactly. It's South Central. Compared to most nations on earth. You're always quite near Worcester. Yeah. You're always quite near an Esso garage as well. As Britain's oldest road, the Ridgeway still follows the same route over the high ground used since prehistoric times by travellers, herdsmen and soldiers.

I mean, that sounds okay. But I didn't want to snag off the ridge, right? But I am. Is it possible then that Steve has listened to our podcast at the most disappointing tourist attraction on earth? Okay, that could be a new category. So if anyone has listened at a more disappointing tourist attraction than Britain's oldest round. That would accept as a category. Absolutely. And particularly because I don't want people going and listening to the beans in a tomb in the Pyramids of Giza and getting cursed and that kind of stuff. It's a dangerous game, he's suggesting. Yeah, disappointing tourist attractions. Yes, please.

West of the River Thames, the Ridgeway. Oh, West of the River Thames, eh? Now you've got me. Taj Mahwat? We're not going there. This place is West of the River Thames. Golden Gate, fuck off. We're going to the Ridgeway. It's West of the River Thames. Okay.

It's a broad track. Can you imagine that? Imagine a broad track. Because you know most tracks you're like, this is an okay track, but I wouldn't travel to see it. But broad? Doesn't say how broad. You could walk in the very footsteps of some bloke who sold turnips for a living quite a long time ago. Probably. Also, most places in Britain have been walked over by some prehistoric person at some point. Yeah, exactly. Good point. It's passing through the North West Downs area of Outstanding Natural Beauty, and it's often quite a distance from

villages or towns. That's literally what it says. It's often, often, not always, quite a distance, not far, just quite a distance. Not long the door of a seven minute drive. Quite a distance. As if it's a long distance, it's quite a distance. A seven minute drive. Quite a distance. It doesn't say if it's a long distance, it's quite a distance. It might be quite a small distance. You can see the Esso garage normally, it's just a bit of a pain in the arse to walk there. Yeah. You can't read the deals.

Unless you've got 20-20 vision. You can hear the A-road. You can hear the A-road. You can hear the A-road. We say you can't read the instructions on the charcoal for the majority of us. At points. At points. We can't guarantee that. So we have to, for small print purposes, we have to say it's possible that you can read the instructions on the charcoal throughout the walk. If you've remembered your glasses. But for 80% of the walk, you will be within 10 minutes of a wild bean cafe.

And it's called wild bean for a reason. It's because it did well in focus groups. So what you've got on this walk is you'll experience wide open views. So not cramped and closed. Not those kinds of views. Not cramped and closed views. That's what I take my family to. Yeah, cramped and closed. It's more like looking at things through a slot, isn't it? What you

get the whole family inside a post box and you look out of the world. So wide, wide and open views of rolling chalk downland. As soon as you said chalk, I'm having a shit British old man. Because in a minute you're going to say limestone. You said limestone as well. You said chalk and limestone are having a shit day. Because you've said chalk and limestone. No one who's fucking climbed the Andes has ever said chalk and limestone. No one's ever visited the Louvre has said chalk and limestone. It can't be a selling point, people. It can't be a selling point. Chalk and limestone. So you've got chalked outlands and find many archaeological monuments close to the trail, including...

Okay guys, are you sitting down? Is it a mound of earth? No. Oh, you wish. A mound of earth that might be a Saxon burial site? It might not be, it might just be a mound of earth, we're not sure. It's Stone Age long barrows. What's a barrow?

I don't know. But it's long. It's a long one. It's a Stone Age Long Barrow. Not a wheelbarrow. Come on, chill out, guys. It's a barrow. They've got Stone Age Long Barrows.

They've also got, I hope you're still sitting down. Bronze Age round barrows. Whenever you're attracted to a Stone Age or Bronze Age monument, I mean, it's always just, it's a ditch. It's a ditch or it's an area of grass. And you're just having to kind of... Can you believe it? Look, there's the vague, with eye of faith is the vague shape of a shape of a shape To this ditch and presumably it's just very very Children are getting very antsy and and like it's pretty I imagine

It's just very difficult to manage a family through this kind of bit of holiday. Yeah, if you don't have premium snacks Yeah, yeah, you're getting mutiny within five minutes. I feel sorry for the Ridgeway a bit, but also Within five minutes. I feel sorry for the Ridgeway a bit, but also not massively, because it would have ruined a lot of people's holidays, I imagine. Henry, it's Britain's Route 66. Imagine going along it in a drop-top Chevrolet. Suddenly things change. Getting stuck within seven yards.

We've had an email from Andrew. Hello, Andrew. Hello Andrew. To have speed, in your most recent episode there's a brief chat about biscuits. I wanted to share my recent experience of a new twist on a classic biscuit that is genuinely amazing. I'm something of a stalwart supporter of the classic British biscuit but was tempted down off my perch by a present from my girlfriend's mother. Chocolate coated custard creams from M&S. Oh my god.

Honestly, they're so good I've become something of an irritating evangelist for them. I also now have my entire extended family addicted. Yeah, this sounds like a cult. It really does, doesn't it? Yeah, I mean that sounds absolutely foul. I'm looking at a picture of it and it's a very M&S thing. M&S are kind of in charge of like the luxury indulgence sort of food, aren't they? That's their thing. So that's it's a classic M&S thing. I'm looking at it and it's called, this is so M&S.

Is that just because they coat everything in milk chocolate? That's all that's happening. Carrots, the luxury way, coated in thick milk chocolate. Luxury Cumberland sausages, drizzled in thick milk chocolate. Luxury Cumberland sausages. Drizzled in hot milk chocolate. And now, two for one on Fairy Liquid. Enrobed in the most luxurious... ...of milk chalk.

And now our entire home cleaning range. Forty watt light bulb. In gore. With a hazelnut finish. Absolutely drowned. In thick milk chocolate. Honeycomb ganache. And why not try our new home insurance? Encrusted in the smoothest and most fabulously indulgent

Milky Milk Chocolate. And have you visited our Bureau de Change? Where our chocolate-coated exchange experts are on hand to give you chocolate-coated Turkish Lira. And for that special person in your life, have you considered M&S funeral... M&S funerals? Say goodbye to that special person by enrobing them in four layers of salted caramel Swiss peanut encrusted chocolatey milk choc chocolate now with raisins. They've developed the alchemists we're looking for which is basically a nozzle that can pump hot chocolate but cool it as it exits the

nozzle so that it can inrobe anything. Because if you were to, Ben, if you were at home to try and encrust something and in in in robe something in chocolate, which she's doing all the time like a crow, for example. Exactly. Like a crow. So you would the first thing you do is you create a bain marie wouldn't you? So you put a bowl over some over some boiling water, you put the chalk in that the chalk would melt. But as you're pouring it onto the crow, what is the crow sedated? This is in a trap, isn't it? Isn't this a... It's eaten so many of my strawberries that it's kind of in a sort of post-strawberry sleep. And you're like, you know, you've made the Bond villain era, which is instead of just

killing it while you can, you've decided to give it a really drawn out symbolic death by enrobing it in hot milk chocolate. And while you've got the bain marie going, it's fucking going through your fridge. Okay, but you'd pour chocolate on it, but it wouldn't it wouldn't cool down in the right. It'd be very, very tricky. I think probably very hard, technically hard to enrobe things in them. Delicious milk chocolate, but they've done it with the custard cream. I'm looking at the packaging at sermon as it's called outrageously chocolatey. They always use words like that.

Yeah. Anyway, sounds nice to me, to be honest. Sounds quite sickly. I can't promise I won't try it. There's a high chance I will, but it sounds quite emetic. It's time to pay the ferryman. Thanks everyone who signed up on our Patreon. Thank you. Thank you. Patreon.com forward slash three bean salad is the place. One thing I wanted to say, because I've seen a few people write about this on the internet. Some people were saying they were reluctant to join because they don't

want to listen to the episodes on the Patreon app. But that's not a concern because when you join on Patreon, you can still listen on your app. You get an RSS code, it's quite simple and then you can listen to all the Patreon stuff on your app or on Spotify. Just thought I'd make that clear because some people were concerned about that. Crumbs. Crumbs indeed. I'm glad you handled that because I didn't really understand what you people were concerned about that. I'm crumbs. I'm crumbs indeed. I'm glad you handled that because I didn't really understand what you said there, but yeah, great.

Thanks. It's pretty simple, but you can listen to them. In four major bookshops. And there are various tastes to sign up at. If you sign up at the Sean Bean tier, you've got to shout out from Mike from our old stomping ground, the Sean Bean Lounge. You certainly do. Where Mike spent last night.

It was quite busy down there, wasn't it, last night, because it was the go through your old receipts with the Scottish rugby team night. It was. Thank you, Pen. And here's my report. It was go through your old receipts with the Scottish rugby team night last night at the Sean Bean Lounge. Following the Acts of Union of 1707, the Scottish rugby team is technically the king. And so the evening was also Charles III's Sean Bean Lounge debut. Brianna Adlard, Phil Lowe, Alex Fisher and Stephanie Hutt all presented suspicious handwritten receipts and were ejected immediately. Andrew R. Sauer Goodwin, Matt Koshanikava, Alex with an I and Dan Richards were all found to have receipts for anti-monarchist purchases such as Hamilton DVDs and French Lager and were sent to the Tower. Sam Knight,

Chris Wilcox and Andrew Griffiths all addressed the King incorrectly and are now walking the perimeter of England wearing nothing but the last receipt they took possession of, which coincidentally in the case of all three was a receipt for Athlete's Foot powder, Musician's Hand powder, Cossack's Knee powder, Two litres of cherry cola, and tennis umpire's bum powder. Charlotte found a receipt for a mini panettone from Costa, on the back of which was a charcoal doodle by none other than Vincent van Gogh. King Chuck took possession of the receipt, promising to have it valued before giving Charlotte a receipt for the receipt and, just to be on the safe side, sharing his mobile

number with her with assurances that a. yes it was real, and b. he wasn't sure but he assumed that it was on account of him being the sovereign head of state that the number was only one digit long. Connor Gribbin had a receipt for 18 spanners but wouldn't take questions, Rory Forbes had 18 receipts for one spanner, and Philip Lowe had a receipt that would have spanned the length of 18 spanners end to end but was in fact for fake beards and rubber chins. Samantha Knight had a gift receipt from Roger Cotton, who'd re-gifted it after Savannah Yanker gifted him with it as a thank you from Sean McLabray for the original gift, the nature of which is unknown. Laura, Liz and Anita shredded and chewed their receipts before sculpting the pulp into the shape of Gibraltar, for which the King awarded them the Order of the Royal Garter. Seeing this, Coco, MLB and Piper Cheese tried to work a receipt pulp into the bust of Queen Camilla, but her left eyebrow said Mando's and they were exiled. Sarah Proctor brought vouchers by mistake, and with this folly so pleased the King verily he'd hath laughed till he did piss, and Sarah is now official court jester until death. Matt Alder had a receipt for a build-your-own-lego

bean machine, Stu Boyland had a receipt for blackmail payments to Nathan Beardsley, and James Dawson had a receipt for the hard payments to Nathan Beardsley, and James Dawson had a receipt for the hard drives he had to hand over to the National Crime Agency. King Charles III scored the only try of the evening and converted it twice to win 9-0. Thanks all. OK, that's the show. We'll finish off with the version of our theme tune sent in by One of You. And this one is from Damien from Perth in Western Australia. Thank you, Damien.

Dear beans, the first time I ever heard your theme song I was instantly reminded of the song Lorelei by Cocteau Twins. Oh yeah. Is it not the Cocteau Twins? The Wirral. The Tweedkini. It is eerily similar, although far more jaunty than ethereal, so I've taken it upon myself to bring your theme into the shoegaze slash dream pop realm. Bean gaze, if you will. I had a cocktoed twins face, I used to like them. They're really good. I think I know

that song but I can't remember how it goes. Well let's see what Damien's done. He writes, I sincerely hope this doesn't bring on a lawsuit. Me too Damien. Thanks everyone He writes, I sincerely hope this doesn't bring on a lawsuit. Me too Damien. Thanks everyone for listening. See you next time. Bye. Thank you all. Thank you. I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man Music